"I used to be the queen of the euphemisms. Give me a (certain male body part), and I could turn it into (another term for the body part) faster than you could say (a third term for the body part) or (a fourth term for the body part) or any of the dozens of awkward terms romance writers use to describe the (aforementioned body part).

"I was a historical romance editor for more time than I ever thought possible."

LESSON ONE: Cagan has an exceptional sports background.

LESSON TWO: Cagan is no stranger to difficult, complex subject matter.

"This is the true story of an American women's sports fan who grew up under the great promise of Title IX watching one of her teams finally emerge as a national presence and feeling utterly betrayed. This is a story of a fan turning against her own players, of how I learned to stop worrying and love the Women's World Cup by rooting for the Chinese."

What made her angry?

"It all started with the Americans' ponytails."

And:

"Disarmingly prim and perfect, they were instant media darlings. ... The nation swooned. I got cranky."

However:

"I thought if I could only get over the nagging feeling that these were the girls I knew and hated in high school, then I could cheer along with everyone else."

But, finally:

"... I rooted for the Chinese.... All were apparently devoid of prom queen personalities."

When the game was over and the Americans had won ...

"The nation cheered. The media fawned.

"Since then, I've tried to stay away from it all — this joyous celebration of girl power turned inside out, like a bad dream."

LESSON THREE: Objectivity may not be Cagan's long suit.

Incidentally, the co-author of "Field of Schemes," Neil deMause, is identified as another BMT contributor and a "co-editor of the WHAM! Alert e-newsletter."

LESSON FOUR: Two Brooklynites telling Texans how to handle their affairs are always better than one ... but not as helpful as three. Or four. Or more.

"Neil deMause ... picked up a habit called 'interactive fiction' a couple of years back. Wrote a few games, even picked up an award along the way. You might find him hanging out on the back streets of the I-F MUD, shooting the breeze with his fellow miscreants."

LESSON FIVE: Except for "shooting the breeze" and "miscreants," I have no idea what that paragraph means. But I feel confident that any translation readers can provide will confirm my strong feeling that the musings of deMause and fellow New Yorker Cagan are what San Antonio's hoteliers need to make their anti-arena case credible.

Yessireebob. With those two experts behind them, they should kick some serious (neither of the body parts mentioned above, but in the same general area).

Wednesday, Oct 20, 1999