This opinion article was written by Jay Senter and originally appeared in the Badger Herald Online on November 12, 2001. (An article about my undergraduate institution in a publication from my current institution.) The original article can be found online in the BadgerHerald Archives.

Perhaps it's because I'm shallow and ethnocentric and don't really care about anyone but myself, but I always thought Wisconsin offered the normative college experience. Granted, I only applied to large state schools with social environments based exclusively on binge drinking, but I figured small liberal arts schools were probably a lot like the big state schools (only with smaller student bodies that were on average more intelligent and less physically attractive than state school student bodies).

But I was wrong. Oh, how I was wrong.

I had the distinct pleasure last weekend of touring a utopian little institution called St. Olaf College in Northfield, Minnesota. Located 45 minutes southeast of the Twin Cities, St. Olaf offers its student body of scarcely 3,000 a curriculum rich in the arts and humanities.

The seduction began as soon as we arrived on campus. Atop a small hill lay the class and administration buildings, all built of cobblestone. Surrounding the hill were vast open fields which smelled of lilac and sandalwood. My traveling companions and I paused for a moment to drink in the cool autumnal air.

Our hostess for the evening was living in a large house at the base of the hill. The college owned 10 or so such homes, all in a row. Each home is furnished by the college with two computers, a piano and a large dining room table in addition to traditional items. You don't get that at Sellery Hall, do you?

As we entered her home, we were met by the heavenly odors of a dinner party in progress. We were then quickly whisked away into a backroom so as not to be an embarrassment to our hostess, which was to be expected, I supposed.

It took no time at all to realize how much more civilized the students at St. Olaf are than myself and everyone I know. At St. Olaf, guys impress girls with their musical abilities or knowledge of gourmet cooking. I impress girls by spraying gallons of vomit through my nostrils.

And I'm not alone in my romantic ineptitude -- the average UW male goes to the bars every weekend in hopes of sucking face with anything with two X-chromosomes. How many times have you heard the following conversation at a bar here?

UW BOY: Hey, I know you! You were in my _____ (fill in made-up class) class last semester.

UW GIRL: No I wasn't.

UW BOY: Oh, I guess you just look like another girl. I like your pants. Let's make out.

And the goal is to find the special lady who will say yes.

But not at St. Olaf. Oh, no.

The guys there court the girls with fancy homemade dinners and piano concertos delivered personally. The only problem they have is finding time for a date:

ST. OLAF GUY: Why don't we go out Saturday?

ST. OLAF GIRL: I'd love to, but I'm giving blood Saturday afternoon and then reading to homeless blind children with cholera Saturday night. How about Friday night?

ST. OLAF GUY: Ohhhh . . . Friday isn't great. I have a viola performance to give Friday night, and then I have Nordic skiing nationals Saturday morning . . .

And as if the people were not infinitely better on average than they are here, the cafeteria food put Pop's to shame. Seriously. All St. Olaf students eat at the cafeteria (or "caf" as it is affectionately known by the students). Cafeteria is such an ugly word for what they have to offer, though. In essence, the "cafeteria" is a gimonsterous, all-you-can-eat gourmet buffet with food prepared for you individually. There were quesadillas, pizza, Chinese food, salads, sandwiches, burgers -- you name it, they had it. At Pop's I ate pudding every day because the hot meals were so atrocious. That isn't healthy. Seriously. I lost a lot of weight and people were starting to talk. It was a very unpleasant situation for everyone. And you had to pay for all items individually at Pop's -- you pay one price to eat at the St. Olaf trough.

So kudos, St. Olaf College. You truly are the school on the hill.