losing a job is not an all too uncommon thing . reacting to such a personal setback by taking a group of small children hostage is a bit more rare . while we all might feel the desire to blow someone's head off with a shotgun when they don't seem to grasp our point of view , actually threatening them with one is usually something we avoid . this isn't the case with sam baily - john travolta's slightly askew average-joe persona in mad city . " i don't think people listen to guys like me , " sam laments during an exclusive interview from behind the walls of a museum . just a few days ago , sam was a guard at this same museum , but when cutbacks led to the elimination of his security position , sam's apprehension resulted in a brash decision . in an effort to get his ex-boss , museum director mrs . banks ( blythe danner ) , to " just listen " , he barges into the museum one day equipped with a fully loaded shotgun , taking the uncooperative banks and a group of school children hostage . sam's overall concern is valid enough - if he loses his job , his paycheck , his benefits , etc . , his wife and two children won't be provided for . he's not a lunatic or a hot-tempered madman , he's somewhat like a child - panicky , compulsive , and running on emotion - and his naive intentions aren't helped any by the fact that banks wasn't overly compassionate with the let go . overall , he's just like you and me - except that he has the capacity to view the line we'd deem " far enough " as the starting mark of some crazy race . meanwhile , television reporter max brackett ( dustin hoffman ) is also on the scene . covering a " fluff " story for the evening news concerning the museum cutbacks , max suddenly finds himself in the middle of the biggest-breaking news story he ever could've hoped for . having been demoted from network newsman to smalltime affiliate reporting , max is anxious to turn this into his , and only his , story . max immediately bonds with sam . max even coaches sam thru hostage negotiations and writes scripts for him to use with the police over the phone . at first , max's intentions don't stretch beyond high ratings and a good boost to the ole pride factor , but as he gets to know sam more personally , he begins to sympathize and even become somewhat of an advocate for him . the media , however , is creating a frenzy that leaves the fickle public shifting gears as often as a diesel truck moving downhill . the accidental shooting of ex-co- worker cliff ( bill nunn ) , a black security guard , becomes one of the main factors in the controversy over sam's honest ambitions . also involved in this film are robert prosky as lou potts , head of the news department of the station max falls directly under , and alan alda as the nationally famed reporter kevin hollander , who uses his network power to try and outshine max . alda and prosky both turn in fine performances that fit like gloves on their acting abilities . then there is mia kirshner , who plays the young tv station intern laurie . she falls under max's wings only to become a student taught too well in the way of sensationalistic reporting . kirshner's credits are relatively small for now , including roles in films like exotica and the forgettable sequel to the crow . still , kirshner's character transformation shows that she has shining ability to play both good girl and kinda-bitchy-in-a-reserved-way roles . i wouldn't mind seeing her in some more prevalent parts , where perhaps her talent will be able to blossom more fully onscreen . while the viewpoint of the media as a greedy , self-righteous monster has indeed been tackled before , mad city provides a solid two hours of enjoyability . hoffman and travolta are both excellent actors , and seeing them together is a real treat . they both do a great job at smoothly and naturally becoming their characters , and they provide enough chemistry for us to genuinely care for both . there is quite a bit of humor in this film , and without it , it could've fallen into a drab , cliched social statement more likely to garner sleep from the audience than applause . this isn't a flick that will grip at both your funny bone and your heart , but it will lightly touch both , making for a recommendable movie . if for nothing more than the opportunity to watch both hoffman and travolta at the same time , i urge you to check this one out . as much as i wanted to like this film as i went into it , the more pleased i was when i left . first , getting through all the usual lines of newspaper glitz : " if you liked scream , you'll love wild things ! " " campbell gives a stunning performance ! " " this twisty plot will have you dazzled for days ! " ( oh yeah , the day a newspaper uses these is the day neve campbell falls in love with me ) now , onto more serious stuff ( and with this film , i mean that in nearly a sarcastic way ) . wild things has single-handedly broken down the rules surrounding the r rating from the mpaa . i'm not saying that in a bad way , but when you see this film , you may be shocked by what you see . however , perhaps the mpaa was pleased by the film's charming cast and tricky plot , that they let the film slide with an r rating . being mormon , i'm bound to hear an uproar from religious zealots warning me not to see the film . trouble is , i have already seen it . and i like it ! wild things is a film noir of the 90s , filled with 40s sensibilities , and yet breaking the rules and modern-day taboos of 90s culture . the style in which it is filmed is rich in color . the actors are all gorgeous people , seemingly drawn from the same gene pool and placed into this film . sure , it's all too good to be true , but ain't it fun to watch ? when movies like this come along ( sort of a better version of basic instinct ) there is bound to be people who either love it or hate it . there will be people who don't want to admit liking what they see , but i tell you , most anyone who sees this will like it . wild things begins at blue bay high school , the one high school in the world that any teenager would love to get into . it's almost as if students are put through entrance exams just for admittance ( totally based on looks alone ) . of course , there are those select few who may look slightly ugly , but compared to the average person , they are gorgeous . immediately , the film finds its tone and the audience settles in for an enjoyable time . we can turn off our brains , right ? wrong . while you may be expecting one thing to happen , it certainly doesn't turn out that way . the film begins in a classroom , with nearly all the main characters present . there's sam lombardo ( matt dillon ) , a counselor for the students . he's heading the class discussion . there's also kelly van ryan ( denise richards ) , a snobby rich teen who has fallen in love with sam . teaching the class , however , are two policemen : ray duquette ( kevin bacon ) and gloria perez ( daphne rubin-vega ) , who want to talk about 'sex . . . ( cheers ) crimes ( boos ) ' . " what is a sex crime ? " ray asks . " not gettin' any ! " one student responds . this pretty much sets the tone of the film we are about to watch . however , upon hearing this , one student , suzie toller ( neve campbell ) , stands up and leaves the room , commenting that they can both kiss part of her body . and so , wild things sets into motion . quickly , kelly begins hitting on sam , but sam doesn't want anything to do with her advances . kelly is stubborn and continues to pursue him . she even pleads with him to let her wash his jeep . surprisingly , that's really all i can tell you about the plot . any more would give away one of the many crucial plot twists . and what's more , these plot twists are actually unpredictable . going along the way of scream , wild things maintains that film's surprises , and then adds even more to them . there are more plot twists in this film than probably any i have ever seen . and even though you think you may get tired of them , the surprises are so genuine that it's rather pleasing . going back over them in my mind , nearly all of them work , though some stretch the boundaries of belief . thankfully , the convoluted plot doesn't give us much time to think about each one , pouncing yet another twist on us before the shock of the previous one has worn off . as for the critics who complain that the film is trashy--well , it is . this is pretty much just one trashy film . however , it is the kind of trashy that isn't hard to watch . it's good trash , in a sense . one , the screenplay knows that it's not to be taken seriously , and it includes a lot of humor and satire into the story . this varies everywhere from kelly's mother ( theresa russell ) , who is more of a caricature of rich people , all the way to an ambulance-chasing lawyer ( bill murray ) , who wears a neck-brace to cover an insurance scam he is running . bill murray also provides the best character in the film , and most of the genuine laughs . and two , the sex is more than gratuitous , although not unwelcomed . wild things is supposed to have sex in it ( what film with that title wouldn't ? ) , and this movie breaks the boundaries . instead of having heterosexual sex scenes , it also includes lesbian scenes between denise richards and neve campbell ( don't worry . . . it's not as graphic as you might think ) . the heterosexual scenes are quite graphic , but the surprise shocker is kevin bacon's full-frontal nude scene . it's very brief , so if you blink , you may miss ( ahem ) it . and , for as long as i can remember , i don't think i have seen an r-rated film show an erect one before ( it's not completely , but judging from the audiences' reaction , it was more than they expected too ) . also , during one scene late in the film , there seemed to be a relationship brewing between bacon and dillon's characters , but nothing came of it ( makes you wonder if the director had to cut it in order for the r rating , or if the actors refused to do it ) . what first made me want to see wild things was its cast . neve campbell , of course , has been one of my favorite actresses since the scream films were released . here , however , she turns every typical role she has done on its head and plays a gothic pothead . the closest role to this was her performance in the craft ( though even in that she was a nice girl ) . campbell is probably the best in the film and shows her wide range of talent . you can tell she will be around for a long time . denise richards will also be around for a long time , although she may be limited to the roles without much range . here , she gets to express more emotions than in her stiff ( yet effective ) performance in starship troopers . hopefully one day she will land a very good role that can display her ability . and then there is daphne rubin-vega , a newcomer to the movies . she gives a very good performance , although her character is mostly left to the background for the first hour and a half . towards the end she does get a bigger part . on the male side , matt dillon is probably the best , giving a subtle performance that surprises with every twist . kevin bacon has a slightly wooden character , but he makes the most of it . you must have admiration , though , for what he did on screen . and judging from many of the women's reactions in the theater to that shot , they have grown a deeper appreciation for bacon ( yeah , right ) . and then there is bill murray . his performance is the comic relief , and he nearly steals the film . as a whole , the entire cast works wondrously together , and they seem at home , even when doing the menage a troi . director john mcnaughton , who has previously done the critically acclaimed henry : portrait of a serial killer , has constructed a wonderfully twisty plot that works . his direction is smooth and stylish . the visuals are striking , filled with rich colors , and almost so realistic that we can actually breathe the humidity in the air . however , he seems more at home when the actors aren't talking . his fly-by shots of the swampy areas are brilliant , and his photography of denise richards' climbing out of the pool is a highlight . the cinematography is gorgeous in its details . its not often that you see a film like this , and we should watch it just to see how the camera can take pictures . then , there is the music . this was probably the most obvious thing to me , as it set the perfect mood for the film . it's hard to describe in words , so just see the film and listen to it . it's wonderfully composed and presented . and be sure to stick around during the closing credits ! mcnaughton has finally put the ending credits to good use ( while most comedies use it for outtakes ) . he has included some small scenes which help explain the preceding events . some may say that these are lame attempts to explain the convoluted plot , but it's an entertaining way to finish the film . plus , there are some shocking moments in these ending credits which just add to the fun . wild things is appropriately rated r for strong sexuality , nudity , language and violence . again , the nudity is rather unnecessary , but let's face it--people want to see it . so why not give it to them ? neve campbell , admirably , has a no-nudity clause in her contract , and the most you see of her is from behind as she takes her top off ( way to go , neve ! ) . the sex scenes are graphic , especially the first one we see , between the mother and one of her deck hands . one almost wonders how they got away with the r rating . the language is quite harsh too , ranging from sexual innuendo to your average , everyday profanity . and i can't stress it enough : don't allow kids under 18 to see this film . the target age for the movie is the 18-24 range , and that's who should see it . it's definitely not for those under 18 ! did i mention that this film is rated r ? however , for those that do get a chance to watch it , you will probably more likely be pleased , and may even take friends to see it the next time . the postman delivers but not first class the postman a film review by michael redman copyright 1997 by michael redman [warning : my opinion of this film is definitely in the minority of reviewers perhaps because it hits so many of my cinematic buttons : post-apocalypse stories , hope in a desperate situation , grassroots uprisings and kevin costner . even worse , i thought that " waterworld " was watchable . read the following with those particular grains of salt . ] it's the year 2013 and things have fallen apart . due to a world war in the late nineties , the resulting three-year winter and a devastating plague , life in the former united states has been reduced to isolated primitive fiefdoms . although this is the future , it looks like a western . as the film opens , kevin costner ( his character's name is never revealed ) is wandering the utah wastelands with only his mule bill for company . giving extraordinarily bad shakespearean performances in exchange for food and lodging , costner is an outsider in a land of outsiders . running into even worse luck , he is forcibly conscripted into the racially pure holnist army of general bethlehem ( will patton ) . the rag-tag retro-futuristic cavalry is the descendent of militia groups and is even called the " clan " after a brutal boot camp , he ( and you can see this coming a mile away ) escapes . taking shelter in a wrecked postal truck , he liberates the uniform and mail bag from the skeleton in the cab who no longer has a use for either . once he reaches oregon , land of beautiful women , bright youngsters and rock and roll ; he pretends to be a representative from the " restored congress of the united states of america " . this scam gets him inside the walled towns where the promise of mail delivery renews optimism in the hearts of the inhabitants . food and other opportunities come his way in the form of spirited abby ( olivia williams ) who wants him to father a child because her husband is sterile . shortly her husband is killed by bethlehem and she and the postman ( as costner is referred to for the rest of the film ) become a reluctant item . although the postman knows he's running a fraud , the concept of renewed communications sets the kids' imagination afire ( especially ford lincoln mercury ( larenz tate ) , his second-in-command ) and they form a new pony express dedicated to getting the mail through . the revived postal service doubles as an army to fight the holnists' tyranny . the postman has become a symbol for hope in a rube goldberg manner . although the movie appeals to my sensibilities , there are so many things wrong with it that they can hardly be counted . it's derivitive of costner's own " waterworld " and clint eastwood westerns . there's little here that we haven't seen dozens of times before . the film is often down-right corny . a scene where the postman is on horseback and grabs a letter from the hands of a bright-eyed child is embarrassing in its slow-motion banality . the film's final few minutes should have been left on the cutting room floor . despite the film's excessive three hour length , several things are never explained . what was the war about ? how did civilization change so rapidly ? everyone has horses : where did all they come from ? the " law of eights " that bethlehem lives by seems to have its origins somewhere beyond the film , but where ? are we to believe that the rest of the world is in the same shape and hasn't made their way west to help or conquer ? there is some jumbled symbolism here that doesn't appear to make sense . the tale is obviously saying that communication can defeat evil in much the same way that the internet has the potential to topple governments , but beyond that there are some oddities . the evil army is called " holnists " which sounds coincidentally like the new age " holism " , but why ? is it another coincidence that it takes place in 2013 , just one year after many ancient prophesies ( including the ending of the mayan calendar ) predict a new world for mankind ? why is the general named " bethlehem " ? there seems to be some reason for that , but what ? sometimes the movie feels like a joke . an army of postal workers armed with guns ? considering the headlines of recent years , it takes a tremendous leap of faith to cheer for these guys . it's even more difficult to accept those re-powering the federal government as the heroes . given the current climate of the country and the distrust of big government , it's asking a lot for the audience to get behind the film's nationalism . even with its numerous flaws , the movie all comes together , if only for those who have the same weaknesses that i have . it's doubtful that " the postman " is going to find much of an audience , but a few of us are going to have a good time . besides we're all awaiting the fall of civilization caused by the year 2000 millennium computer bug . ( michael redman has written this column for over 22 years and would like to announce that the " michael redman " arrested near indianapolis last week for accepting an illicit package from federal express is , to the best of his knowledge , not him . perhaps this similarly-named person should have used kevin costner's postal service . ) there are certain people in the world who have some talent that very few people have , but they chose not to take advantage of this for some personal reason . " good will hunting " is about one of those people . the will hunting of the ( horrible ) title ( let's face it , this film would be a bitch to title ) , played by co-writer matt damon , is a mathematical genius . he can do almost any mathematical connundrum in about the time it takes to brew a cup of irish cream cappuccino . and he works at mit . . . as the janitor . one day , the professor of one of the most challenging courses , proffessor lambeau ( " breaking the waves " 's stellan skarsg ? rd ) , puts a big problem on the board for his students to attempt to complete . the next day , it's already done on the board , but no one in his class claims to have done it . so lambeau puts another problem on the board , this time one that took he and his colleagues over two years to prove . and , duh , it's done again . of course , they catch the guy who did it red handed - will . before lambeau can find will again ( he ran away when he caught him ) , will has gotten into a fight with a bunch of punks on a basketball court , and struck a police officer , so lambeau gets him out on probation with two agreements : a ) he work with him on math , and b ) he get some therapy . after going through some therapists whom he psyches out in one way or another ( for a hypnotist , he fakes being under his spell , then launches into an impromptu performance of the 70s classic , " afternoon delight " ) . finally , lambeau's old college roomate , sean mcguire ( robin williams ) , a psych professor , agrees to treat him , and the two begin a rocky relationship , as sean tries to get will to open up . turns out will had a rough childhood , being abandoned , and placed in foster homes and what not . it also turns out that will does not want to do simple mathematics all his life ; he wants a challenge . and that is to hang out with his buds ( including the other co-writer , ben affleck ) , and do honorable jobs , like construction . is it right to make this genius follow in the footsteps of einstein and kasinsky ? should this guy be forced to do something he doesn't want to do ? this appears to be one of the million questions in this film , which is jam-packed with greatness , but does not have the totally brilliant whole it should . i'm not saying " good will hunting " is a bad film at all . it's a very enjoyable film with tons of great moments , and lots of great things about it . the acting is amazing , with two oscar-nomination-worthy performances from damon and williams , who have amazing chemistry together . we also get some great support from stellan skarsg ? rd ( great name ) , ben affleck , and from minnie driver , who plays will's love interest , skylar . there are tons of individual moments that i adored . i loved all the comedy in the film , especially a scene where damon proves a schmuck out of a college student who is quoting a historian to impress some chicks , his various attempts at therapy , and of course , my favorite scene in the entire film , the one where he delivers a long , exstensive rant to some nsa agents about the downside of working for them . i liked the relationship between some of the people , like will and skylar , will and sean , sean and lambeau , and will and his friends . there are scenes between them which are just amazing to watch . and there are even moments in the film which are so honest in their portrayal , that i felt rightfully uncomfortable . like the break-up scene between will and skylar , will and sean's first meeting , a bar scene between sean and lambeau , and a scene where sean tells in detail how he doesn't regret meeting his first wife , who would later suffer a slow , painful death , and leave him lonely and slightly bitter . however , the main flaw of the film is there's too much of everything , and not enough of it either . the film tries for deeper relations between the characters , but they're sometimes either overwritten or underwritten . take for example the relationship between sean and will : the film gets an interesting father/son as well as doctor/patient relationship going with out any problems , but when it tries to show them as equals , it falls on its face . we hear how they went to the same town , and there are even scenes where the film shows how hypocritical both of them are at times . but this never takes off like the other parts of their relationship do . also , will's relationship with his best friend , chuckie ( affleck ) , has a nice climax , but not enough rising action . we see them joking around , but when chuckie arrives at a decision between the two of them , it seems more like a superficial reasoning than a more selected one . their relationship never goes beyond " just best friends , " and his decision just seems to be a generalization of any two best friends instead of something more . . . human . maybe it was just me . and it also goes for a parallelism with the relationship between sean and lambeau , but that , again , is underwritten . and , of course , as in most films like this , the girl/boy relationship is pretty underwritten . we never understand what they see in each other , so when skylar confesses that she loves him , it seems more like it's there for plot details that anything else . minnie driver is interesting , though , and breathes life into her character . the writing is a bit at fault here , but what makes all this worthwhile is the little moments in the film where it acheives true awesomeness . sure , it feels overstuffed , but it's extremely enjoyable . the dialogue that affleck and damon have written is amazingly fresh , and seems extremely human . i think that they should get a nomination for their script chiefly because of the dialogue , which is amazing . while this is probably director gus van sant's most conservative film ( you'd hardly know it's the same director of " to die for , " the only van sant film i've seen , really ) , it's still a pretty remarkable film , albeit a tad overrated ( what's this " best picture " deal ? ) . and if a film puts a smile on my face despite posessing a lot of flaws , i have no problem with reccomending it to anyone . i guess it's a credit to jackie chan and the general likeability of the franchise that rush hour 2 could not be ruined even by the nauseating " comedy " of chris tucker . i'm a fan of jackie chan in just about any medium , and this movie lets him not only do his impressive-as-ever martial arts schtick , but show off his comic timing as well . it would have worked better if he was the only name above the title . the plot is your basic martial arts flick clothesline for stunts and special effects . this time around , the evil smugglers are led by ricky tan ( john lone ) , who makes his fortune by shipping counterfeit money into the united states ( i'm still not sure how you can make a fortune doing that : is there a place where one can exchange fake bills for real ones ? ) . the only way to tell the phony money from the genuine article is to set it on fire and see what color it burns . of course , it's up to hong kong detective lee ( chan ) and trash-talking lapd detective james carter ( tucker ) to take the bad guys out and the authorities , to the extent that they even exist , stay out of their way . rush hour 2 turns the tables on the first film in that here it's carter who gets the two of them into trouble and lee who winds up having to get them out . i guarantee that my rating would have been at least a half of a grade higher had anyone other than chris tucker been cast as the foil for jackie chan . he refuses to shut up . not only did his voice feel like a jackhammer on my head , but his jokes just aren't funny , a pathetic mixture of sub-par eddie murphy fasttalking blather and wannabe chris rock white-man-black-man jokes that wind up being more offensive than funny . i realize that in a movie like this some of the biggest laughs come from letting the actors ad lib beyond what the script dictates , but didn't anyone realize how irritating tucker's incessant ranting and raving was ? if this is all the comedian has to offer then i don't care to see any more of his films . fortunately , chan makes for a marvelous straight man , and he redeems the fledgling comedy completely . it's not often that one actor can so completely save a movie , but there is no other name for what he does ; whenever he's on screen , rush hour 2 comes to nearly breathtaking , often hilarious , life . much of it hinges on the dubious value of how cute it is to watch chan try to be a " player , " but who cares ? i can think of few high concepts that are funnier . the movie ends with outtakes that , as usual , show that chan isn't perfect , and that it does , indeed , take him a few tries to get some of his incredible stunts to look seamless . chris tucker botches some lines as well , and his mistakes are funnier than anything he says in the whole movie . a lot of people have pointed out rush hour 2 isn't very different from its predecessor in tone or style . but i liked the original , and i like the sequel , though a certain sidekick seems to have done his best to ruin it . director brett ratner ( the family man ) keeps it moving at an entertaining pace and manages to keep the laughs coming despite the fairly miserable hit to miss ratio of the jokes ( i guess sometimes the shotgun approach works ) . it's not great jackie chan , but it's jackie chan , and that's enough . up next : jay and silent bob strike back some critics , including siskel & ebert , are on the record stating that martin scorsese's raging bull , the story of boxer jake la motta , is the best film of the '80s . since there are still a number of '80s films that i haven't seen , i don't feel qualified to make such a judgment , but i'll say this without hesitation : raging bull is a great motion picture , and i would be surprised if more than a handful of films released between january 1 , 1980 and december 31 , 1989 come close to its level . bio-pics often fall into one of two categories : overblown hero- worship or a dry , dull textbook account . it's rare that a movie with the moniker " based on the life of ? " comes across as anything more than sporadically energetic and marginally entertaining . raging bull is the perfect counterexample , and a brilliant argument for film makers to continue to work in this genre . the picture takes the life of boxer jake la motta , a middleweight icon from the '40s and '50s , and develops one of the most compelling character studies ever to reach the big screen . for all 129 minutes , director martin scorsese and actor robert de niro ( in the title role ) have us mesmerized by this individual who is by turns sympathetic , sad , and horrifying . historically , raging bull is said to be mostly accurately , with the lion's share of the details culled from la motta's own autobiography ( which was co-written with joseph carter and peter savage ) . however , although la motta is credited as the movie's " consultant , " he was reportedly unhappy with the final result , because it portrays him as nothing short of an uncouth , insensitive lout . the la motta of the movie is a man of extreme appetites who is driven by base , bestial impulses ? paranoia , jealousy , and blind rage . sex and violence are inextricably linked . the title is apt ? la motta is a raging bull . in the ring , he is a terror , not just beating his opponents , but destroying them . outside of it , he is no less vicious or more easily controlled . the two people who spar with him on life's canvas are his wife , vicki ( cathy moriarty ) , and his brother/manager , joey ( joe pesci ) . these are the two who mean the most to jake , and who , as a result of his inability to trust himself or others , he loses . he beats vicki mercilessly because he suspects her of infidelity , and , when he inaccurately believes that his brother betrayed him , his lets loose with an explosion of violence . raging bull opens in 1941 when la motta , an up-and-coming fighter , is battling his way into the upper echelon of the middleweight class . over the years , he wins several key bouts , including one against his arch-rival , sugar ray robinson ( johnny barnes ) , but his unwillingness to capitulate with the local godfather keeps him from an opportunity to participate in a championship match . meanwhile , away from the ring , la motta falls in love with 15-year old vicki , who he marries after discarding his shrewish first wife . vicki becomes jake's greatest prize ( a wife , in his view , is not a companion , but a possession ) and the source of his most extreme pain . his own insecurity is so great that he cannot accept that a woman as beautiful as vicki could be faithful to him . hence , he is constantly haunted by a belief that she is sleeping with someone else ? perhaps even his brother . ( this leads to the famous line parodied in waiting for guffman and elsewhere : " are you f * * king my wife ? ? ? " ) in the late '40s , la motta gets his first shot at a championship fight , but with one huge condition : he must take a fall . he does it so badly that an investigation is launched and he is almost thrown out of boxing . two years later , he wins the championship , only to lose it in a subsequent bout to sugar ray . by the late '50s and early '60s , when the film ends , jake has become a pathetic figure ? a broke , overweight loser who has spent time in jail for corrupting the morals of a minor , has lost his wife and children , and is trying to earn a few bucks by doing a cheap standup routine . raging bull is the other side of rocky . sylvester stallone's tale of boxing triumph was released to great critical acclaim in 1976 . it won the 1977 best picture oscar , and a sequel arrived in theaters before raging bull went into production . but , where rocky romanticizes boxing , raging bull takes a cold , unflinching look at the violence both inside and outside of the ring . while scorsese's primary aim is to present a riveting deconstruction of la motta the man , he never backs away from showing the seedy , ugly underside of a sport where gambling , greed , and organized crime force fighters to throw matches to continue working . rocky shows boxing at its noblest ; raging bull shows it at its most diseased . there's little i can say here that hasn't already said about de niro's performance . in a career that has included many fine roles , this is his most outstanding . the level of intensity de niro brings to la motta is unwavering . and , although there's a lot of travis bickle ( de niro's character in taxi driver ) in la motta , scorsese and de niro go to great lengths to make sure that , if we never fully sympathize with him , at least we understand the forces that drive him . this is a complete characterization and a perfect example of acting . as the younger jake , de niro is trim and fit . as the fat , older man , de niro gained 50 pounds and turned his body into a grotesque parody of its normal form . how many actors would go that far ? the best oscar statue is only one testimony to the lasting power of the performance . cathy moriarty and joe pesci both earned nominations for their supporting work ( although neither won ) . their portrayals have the same raw energy that infuses de niro's . pesci , who has basically re-created the same personality in two other scorsese films ( goodfellas and casino ) , presents joey as a slightly more intelligent version of his brother . the misogyny and violence are still there , only better concealed . but , when joey snaps , as he does in one scene where he pounds on a mobster ( frank vincent ) , it's startling to behold . moriarty , on the other hand , must play the temptress with virginal qualities ? the only kind of woman who would ensnare jake . later , she's called upon to portray the battered wife and mother whose love has turned into fear . scorsese and cinematographer michael chapman elected to shoot the bulk of raging bull in black-and-white ( a few " home movie " segments are in color ) . the choice is perfect for the movie , giving raging bull a unique look in an era when a black-and-white approach is almost unheard of . ( one important recent exception , schindler's list , eschewed color for some of the same reasons that raging bull did . ) in black-and-white ( especially considering scorsese's choice of shots and use of slow motion ) , the violence is stark and disturbing . there's no room for romanticism in the ring with inky black blood staining the canvas . during fight sequences , the director also uses a number of point-of-view shots designed to show the world , however briefly , from la motta's perspective . scorsese could have chosen to end the film with la motta's loss to sugar ray , where he surrendered his middleweight crown . after that , his career was all downhill . yet the director allows the film to run for thirty minutes after this pivotal moment , stretching more than a decade into la motta's future . the reason is obvious : scorsese isn't as interested in boxing as he is in the character . following his retirement , la motta is still as violent and volatile as ever , but he has lost the arena in which he can legally unleash those tendencies . we see the results of this beast let loose on society and how the consequences of his actions reduce him to a parody of his former self . who cannot feel a surge of pity for la motta as he quietly recites marlon brando's speech from on the waterfront ? ( " i coulda been a contenda . " ) perhaps raging bull is indeed the best film of the '80s . and , if not , it's certainly perilously close to the zenith . much ballyhoo has been made over this new version of " lolita , " made in a time when one would think that a faithful adaptation of the infamous novel could be made , over its use of pedophilia , and as such , it's important to address it straight-forwardly , before any other ideals such as goodness and themes can be discussed , as this film has been in film limbo for a number of years , lying around in vaults san a distributor , and having critics waiting to either hail it a masterpiece or call it anticlimactic horseshit . when seeing this film , after all the hoopla , keeping in mind that there are people , namely me , who are fans of the novel , who have been eagerly awaiting this flick since its creation . . . well , you just have to wonder why no one really picked it up for distribution . what's even worse is that seeing this " lolita , " especially the first time and if you're familiar with anything " lolita , " is admittingly very anticlimactic . this is a real pity because when you really sit down to watch this film , ignoring all the crap that has preceeded it , it's really quite a film , perhaps the best film by director adrian lyne ( although , really , look at its competition : " flashdance , " " fatal attraction , " and " indecent proposal " ) , at least besides " jacob's ladder . " i've seen this " lolita " twice : the first time , i wasn't so blown away . it seemed overly dramatic and surprisingly unaffecting . the second time , not really thinking about how i've waited for what seems like forever to see it and how i'm seeing it on a tv set on a premium cable channel and not a giant movie theatre , it really affected me emotionally . the story itself is a surprisingly heartbreaking one , which is why it's such a good novel , and why this is such a good film . the story of a pedophile obsessed with a young 14-year old girl named dolores a . k . a . lolita is great because it's not trash for the perverted but because it's about human obsession with things that are out of one's reach . its protagonist , the comically-named humbert humbert , is not your average pedophile , but a seriously wounded human being who embodies how we are all destroyed by our sick obsessions and idosyncrasies . the character of lolita is almost a symbol of the forbidden apple in christian mythology , something that will destroy us but that we can't live without . these ideas are all worked into this film nicely , but done in a way that is not heavy-handed at all , but instead lyrical and emotionally devastating . the focus of this film , and the reason for making it , it seems , was to really penetrate the emotional depths of the novel and bring them to life on the screen in beautifully dramatic images , and scenes which are blatantly over-stylized . the tone of the book is a comical one , but it's also a tragic one , and humbert , telling the story from his perspective , blows every single thing out of perspective . humbert exists in a fantsy world of his obsessions and desires , and this reflects the way the entire film has been designed . we get a sense that perhaps it's by doing this that humbert has really trapped himself into a fate that will ultimately leave him haggard and destroyed . he weeps uncontrollably and never lets himself get over his original 14-year-old love , and allows himself to embody her as lolita . he lets his feelings for her navigate all his decisions , and by the end , he has nothing but overly-dramatic feelings for her . the story recognizes the extreme of this , almost out of a test , seeing if the readers will really sympathize with someone who is socially deemed a pervert , and one almost wonders while reading the book if the author , vladimir nabokov , wrote the book as a means to bring into focus his own sick obsessions , and perhaps bring them to peace . the weirdest thing about this film is that by the end , when humbert has reached the finale of his obsessional journey , we can easily sympathize and even identify with him . the opening and final images of the film are the same , and who hasn't done a similar action , that is wandering about without any sense of reality or anything else but a deep sadness in us ? this is the second time the novel has been adapted for the screen , the first time being filmed in - shock - 1962 , by stanley kubrick , who couldn't possibly have brought the novel to the screen with as much faithfulness as lyne has been able to do , but did the next best thing : he economized for everything and came up with a droll black comedy about obsession in general . in that film , he used the traps of society as benefits . the studio demanded the final scene , that of a heinous murder , come first in the film so to portray humbert first as a murderer and second as a pedophile . . . and when you see it , it gives the film depth of a man trapped by obsession . the censors wouldn't allow anymore than a couple glances and subtle dialogue to show the , um , relationship between humbert and lolita , so kubrick decided to play it as comedy , but still allow the tragedy to seep through . looking at these two versions , especially after reading the novel ( and we all know that when we've read a novel and see a film adaptation , we are bound to be angered by any size differences ) , it's really impossible to compare them . they both go for different things , and one has a lot more room to be as sexually frank as the novel was . and although it's true that several scenes are similar , and are thus up for comparison , overall it's unfair to say which one is better and which one is worse . i have never been one for saying the level of greatness of a film adaptation of a novel is deemed by how faithful it is , and i won't say that here . however , this film is pretty amazing , mostly because hey , i loved the book , and this film nearly reminded me of it . it doesn't have nearly as much wit ( a couple comical scenes , and even a lot of good chuckles , but just not totally witty ) , but it does have the same emotional toll that the novel had . some of that is in the casting of the two leads . jeremy irons , with his deep , soft british voice and gentle look , is an amazing humbert . he's droll in a very unique way , and , well , no one can look distraught the way he does . he brings a wonderful sympathy to the role that goes beyond pathos and really comes up as being easy to identify with the audience . and when he looks at lolita with love , and she looks at him with lust , you know that he's her prisoner for as long as he lives . and dominique swain , who plays the title character , is rather incredible . she pulls off the tough role even better than sue lyon did in the original , wonderfully balancing the qualities of seduction , bratiness , and self-centeredness that marks the character . it's easy to see why she surrenders to humbert : she loves the attention , and knows that she can have her way with him at any time . when he denies her something , she blackmails him effortlessly ( a scene involving a rocking chair and a little foot action is damn near classic ) , and when he stands up to her , she weeps and runs away , leaving humbert to follow her . there are two other minor characters in the film , one who's a road block in the beginning , and the other who's a reappearing threat to the relationship . the former is charlotte , lolita's mother , played by melanie griffith . in the book , charlotte is a monster of a woman : overbearing , constantly scolding her child , overly-religious , and ultimately selfish . and she's the one obstacle humbert has to overcome to obtain his goal , at least in the beginning . as played by shelly winters in the original , she represented all these qualities ; as played by griffith here , she's about half of them . it's annoying to watch a film and play a game where you try to see who could have done the role way better than the one on screen without mentioning the actor who played them first . and even though griffith is not really bad , persay , she's nothing more . the other is clare quilty , the writer who is also trying to seduce lolita , and succeeds , but at a price . langella takes a totally different direction than the one peter sellars took in the original . quilty was a comic character in the original : a threat in the form of many forms , popping in states of rambling , german , proning , and eventually drunk . langella takes the other route , allowing all of the creepiness to be unearthed , and the result is a character who exists in shadows and low shots , and who meets a wonderfully ironic ending , the exact opposite of what we thought of him . as you can see , most of these are not improvements or mistakes done on the part of lyne and his screenwriter , stephen schiff , but just parts of a whole new look at the novel , at least cinema-wise . this version is beautiful , and perpetually saddening . the camera movements are stylized , and each shot is breathtakingly rich . the acting is for the most part wonderful , and when we watch it , we really get a sense that for humbert , who is telling the story , the only two people on earth most of the time were humbert and lolita . more importantly , it takes us right up the brink of emotion , then jumps right over it . by the end , with humbert sadly driving recklessly in his car , following what he says is the only part of his life he doesn't regret , we feel that we all lose to something we can never have . capsule : side-splitting comedy that follows its own merciless logic almost through to the end . . . but not without providing a good deal of genuine laughs . most comedies these days have one flaw . they're not funny . they think they're funny , but they are devoid of anything really penetrating or dastardly . occasionally a good funny movie sneaks past the deadening hollywood preconceptions of humor and we get a real gem : ruthless people , for instance , which established a microcosm of a setup and played it out to the bitter end . liar liar is built the same way and is just about as funny . this is one of the few movies i've seen where i was laughing consistently almost all the way through : instead of a couple of set-pieces that inspired a laugh ( think of the dismal fatal instinct ) , the whole movie works like clockwork . jim carrey playes a high-powered lawyer , to whom lying is as natural as breathing . there is one thing he takes seriously , though : his son , and we can sense the affection that they have for each other right away . but his wife is divorced and seeing another man , and now it looks like they may move away together . the son goes with them , of course . the movie sets up this early material with good timing and a remarkable balance of jim carrey's over-the-top persona with reality . then the plot springs into action : after being snubbed ( not deliberately ) by his father at his birthday , the kid makes a wish as he blows out the birthday candles : that for just one day , dad can't lie . he gets the wish . what happens next is sidesplitting . everything turns into a confrontation : when cornered by a bum for some change , he shouts , " no ! i'm not giving you any money because i know you'll spend it on booze ! all i want to do is to get to the office without having to step over the debris of our decaying society ! " he can't even get into an elevator without earning a black eye . and what's worse , he's now gotten himself into an expensive divorce settlement that requires him to twist the truth like abstract wire sculpture . carrey , who i used to find unfunny , has gotten better at his schtick , even if it's a limited one . he uses it to great effect in this movie . there is a scene where he tries to test his ability to lie and nearly demolishes his office in the process ( there's a grin breaking out across my face right now , just remembering the scene ) . he can't even write the lie ; his fingers twitch , his body buckles like someone in the throes of cyanide poisoning , and when he tries to talk it's like he's speaking in tongues . equally funny is a scene where he beats himself to a pulp ( don't ask why ) , tries to drink water to keep from having outbursts in the courtroom ( it fails , with semi-predictable results ) , and winds up biting the bullet when he gets called into the boardroom to have everyone ask what they think of them . this scene alone may force people to stop the tape for minutes on end . the movie sustains its laughs and also its flashes of insight until almost the end . a shame , too , because the movie insists on having a big , ridiculous climax that involves carrey's character flagging down a plane using a set of motorized stairs , then breaking his leg , etc . a simple reconciliation would do the trick . why is this stupid pent-up climax always obligatory ? it's not even part of the movie's real agenda . thankfully , liar liar survives it , and so does carrey . maybe they were being merciful , on reflection . if i'd laughed any more , i might have needed an iron lung . maybe the most important thing about this movie is that it's not handled like the hallmark hall of fame movie of the month , because it very well could have been a manipulative tearjerker , broadcasted on abc on a monday night , starring kelly martin and yasmeen bleeth , respectively . because it's not handled like the greatest story ever told is precisely why it's so great . underneath the to-die-for cinematography , the brilliant acting , and incessantly wonderful direction is a film of modesty , not sure whether or not this story is totally great but with the balls to run with it , tell it in a certain original way . it doesn't merely go from plot point to plot point . it goes from character to character . it obsesses itself with the depth and the style of it all , and makes the story of a world-reknowned cellist who contracts ms and dies prematurely into the story of two sisters , both musicians , who have a totally unique relationship . it's that their relationship is the center of the story that makes this film transcend any cornball , shamelessly tired tearjerker qualities it could have had and makes this , unlike " patch adams , " effortlessly emotional and real . in short , this movie is just awesome . it merely tells its story really well , and that's something that just has to be commended these days , when most stories are botched because they're not told by great storytellers . director anand tucker tells this story well . he overdramaticizes everything , but still keeps it real . the film tells the story of hilary and jacqueline du pr ? ( rachel griffiths and emily watson , respectively ) , two sisters who are first seen in childhood ( played by auriol evans and keely flanders , respectively ) as the very best of friends . they are also both musicians , hilary a flutist and jackie a cellist , and when it all begins , both are considered child prodigies , but hilary is seen as the better of the two . jackie , a bit jealous , works and works at her playing skills , and soon the tables are turned . when they both hit adulthood , hilary strives for a comeback , while her sister is playing in famous halls around the world , but instead of fame , captures the heart of a hapless , joyful conductor , kiffer finzi ( david morissey , in a semi-star-making turn ) . they marry , after a short courtship , and move to a lovely country house , making jackie incredibly jealous since her cello playing becomes a symbol of her current life : when she plays , she has the eyes of the world , but when she stops , she's alone . she enters into a shallow relationship with an equally famous pianist , daniel barenboim ( james frain ) , in hopes that she may overcloud her sister , but she eventually begins to lose it , and runs away to hilary's country home , where she hopes to gain admittance by hilary to sleep with her husband , since no one she sleeps with gives her any pleasure . it's all terribly melodramtic , as you can see , and by the time jackie has contracted ms ( in a brilliantly edited scene that surpasses the breakdown scene in the semi-smiliar " shine " in technical and emotional devastation ) , it would have been the time that i could easily call the sign for melodramatic overload if it hadn't been handled in such a way . the key thing here is that it's not about her gradual death and slip into insanity but rather that it's about her tumultuous relationship with her sister , which , i might add , is perfectly realized . their relationship is the most down-to-earth complex entity of the year : they love eachother more than anyone else in the entire world , but they're also completely jealous of one another . when a young jackie surpasses her playing abilities , she tries in vain to make a comeback but can't , and almost seems to marry to get back at jackie for her success . when jackie lands on top and sees her sister marry a wonderful man , she is jealous of her lifestyle to the most extensive brinks that i've ever seen in a film ( only two sisters who truly love eachother would dare share the same man ) . and the whole time , their love for eachother is never doubted or even tested . another thing i really liked is emily watson's performance . i usually make it a note to never overpraise an actor for playing either a drunkard or a lunatic or someone with a mortal disease ( or any combination of the three ) . my reasoning for this is that it's a fucking easy job . the worst case for this very year may be thandie newton in " beloved " : sure , she's good , but what's so tough about playing a woman who stumbles around , slurs her words together , and acts like a three year old inside a 20-year old's body ? hell , i could play that if i had a pair of breasts . in that same exact movie , though , is a performance by kimberly elise where she has to be the rock that holds the family together as her mother slowly goes insane , her brothers run off never to be seen again , and her mother's lover is scared off . she has to actually deal with real emotions , something much harder than mere stumbling about . but the academy of arts and sciences loves loves loves overpraising performances like newtons . if you don't believe me , look at jack nicholson's performance in " as good as it gets " : great performance , but easy job . this isn't so for watson , though , because her insanity comes from real emotions , not just a plot point . and thanks to the opening sequence , where we see her and hilary as kids , we understand the motives behind all her actions , and by the time she actually contracts ms and begins to loose her sanity and her life , we've already understood that this is the last straw for a woman plagued with terrible neuroses . rachel griffiths , who would have otherwise been the understudy to watson's protagonist , actually matches watson step-for-step , because as watson grows insane , and demands unspeakable things from her , griffiths holds her own , and has to deal with what she is able to give her sister who needs emotional help from her . griffiths , an otherwise unknown actress ( and watson being famous from " breaking the waves " and " the boxer " ) , is absolutely brilliant , just as absolutely brilliant as watson is , and if the academy and all the other critics groups , who've already deemed watson's performance the best of the year , glance over hers because she's the one who doesn't get to go insane ( read : she gets the boring role ) , then the scream of hysteria you hear will be from me . after all , griffiths has the thankless job of keeping things real - the tom cruise role in " rainman " ( the one who should have gotten oscar consideration and not hoffman ) . she does , and if anyone deserves accolades from the academy this year , it's griffiths . together , the two actresses work extremely well , though , and both have to go through deep emotional hell , the likes of which haven't been seen this year . if it hadn't been for an otherwise not-totally-great final section that deals way too much with jackie and not enough with hilary ( when the two had gotten equal treatment for the entirety ) , i'd say this is one of the top ten best films of the year . it's so close to perfection , in its structure , its treatment of its subject , and its beautiful technical specifications ( cinematography nomination , without a shred of doubt in my mind , and maybe film editing ) , that it's nearly a shame that it's not the flawless gem that it should be . but , hey , as it is , i can hardly complain . as i write the review for the new hanks/ryan romantic comedy you've got mail , i am acutely aware that i am typing it on a computer and sending it a billion miles away on the internet . i am also aware that i have just spent the last 2 hours watching the world's biggest paid commercial for america online . and i wonder : is that so bad ? well , the commercial part is . as for the movie , well , as long as i can watch tom hanks and meg ryan , i think i'll be okay . to paraphrase james berardinelli , whose reviews i admire very much , tom hanks and meg ryan can act . they are both wonderful , but for all of hanks' glorious work in serious films , such as his magnificent performance in saving private ryan , and his glorious triumph in philadelphia , i like him best when he's suitably obnoxious . tom hanks is wonderful when he is obnoxious in a romantic comedy when he's going to get the girl : the only question is how ? meg ryan , america's high school sweetheart , can act . she's had a handful of memorable performances , including the great scene in the diner in when harry met sally ( i must not mention what she does , due to the , well , um , you get the idea , and if you don't , get the movie-- fantastic ) . but , i like her best when she's , well , perky . she is so adorably perky/cute that together with hanks , they are the most amazing onscreen duo in my short lifetime . some people have them going back to really old classic romantic couples , but i don't really know . all i know is that i just like them both . they have such wonderfully kinetic chemistry that's really hard to resist , and i'm not going to even try . they're just really , really cute , sweet , and charming . hanks and ryan collaborate once again with nora ephron , who directed them in the megahit sleepless in seattle . here , the setup is a little different . kathleen kelly ( ryan ) owns a small children's bookstore which her mother founded 42 years ago and passed down to her . she is successful , beautiful , and dates a well-known columnist with very radical idea ( kinnear ) . she is also having an affair , of sorts . you see , kathleen , with the handle shopgirl , is secretly emailing ny152 . they have a strictly un-detailed relationship : there are no specifics , and they have no idea who each other is . ny152 happens to be joe fox ( hanks ) , a multimillionaire bookseller who is the heir to the fortune of the fox chain of mega-bookstores , run by his father ( coleman ) . fox books has decided to open a store on the west side , right across from a little children's bookseller named " shop around the corner " , run by a perky girl named kathleen kelly . every morning , these two email each other silly , and every day , they fight " to the death ! ! " . it's a charming premise , and one that works nicely , balancing the immense troubles kathleen is in with the romance she wants to have . it also has the great sense of being a classic romance : there is no " let's have sex tonight " mantra , if you'll excuse my bluntness . this is a solid romance built around that vague concept of love . hmm . well , the movie goes through twists and turns , having some sad moments and happy ones , until at one moment tom hanks and meg ryan " hook up " , to use modern terminology , and kiss their way into happiness . you know it's going to happen , the question is now ? thankfully , ephron has a wonderful supporting cast with posey , kinnear , chappelle , and a host of others , including a great scene involving brothers , aunts , and two sweet kids . it's all cute and wonderful , and for all of the idealism , it makes me feel good . hanks is as obnoxious as ever on the outside and as warm on the inside as he always is . he is , i believe , america's greatest actor . does he show it here ? nah . but he's still tom hanks , and she's still meg ryan . which is what this movie boils down to . it's pure confection . all the bits about the godfather , the jokes , the superb script , it's all really sweet . there are some immense flaws , like pacing . the last third of the movie really doesn't work as well as i would have liked , and for a romantic comedy , it's slow . once hanks knows the secret , it gets really slow . i even looked at my watch a couple times , to make sure ephron was going to deliver the big onscreen kiss i was waiting for , so that i could get home at a reasonable hour . the other problem is that this movie is shaping up to be really dated . e-mail ? when my kids are my age , i don't know what we'll be using . but hanks can do more with one eyeroll than anybody , and meg ryan just loves to dive into a pillow better than anyone in movie history . they just work together , and it's nice to see . it gives you , well , a smile . the script helps with some great lines that are absolutely hilarious , and that always come at the exact right time to keep the audience awake . i was arguing with my father on the drive back home on what the purpose of movies was . i've always believed that movies are very powerful , very powerful indeed . you see , mankind has three abilities he needs to survive : the ability to think , entertain , and procreate . movies can definitely do the first two , and as for the third , well , i'd rather not think about that . i always thought films that made you think enlightened you and made you see something from another viewpoint , and that films that entertained you were good , because you forgot about your troubles and thought about something nice for a night . and i was thinking about how incredible a year tom hanks has had . hanks was the driving force behind one of the year's best films in saving private ryan , which is one of those thinking films that truly made someone wonder about the world . he's also half of the glue behind the year's best example of pure entertainment . tom hanks and meg ryan are magical , as is this movie . it's a sweet , lovely affair with a technology twist . it may be a long commercial , but it gave me a pretty big smile on my face . are we victims of fate in life or can we create our own destiny ? director/writer brad anderson seems to be saying yes to both questions in his witty film " next stop wonderland " . the two main characters , alan and erin , spend the entire movie in each other's orbit , catching glimpses of one another , yet not quite connecting until the inevitable conclusion . is it fate that keeps them near each other and ultimately puts them together ? does this predestination carry over to all aspects of life ? as the film starts , erin castleton ( hope davis ) , a melancholy 29- year old late shift nurse , is ending her live-in relationship with her boyfriend ( hoffman ) . rather , he is ending it with her . arriving home from work , erin finds her boyfriend parked in front of their apartment , car packed with his belongings . in a fumbling , amusing and self deluding ramble , he instructs erin to watch a videotape he's made detailing why their relationship is doomed to fail and why he's leaving . it's obvious he lacks the courage to confront her directly as he rails on about accomplishing something with his life and taking a stand , all the while backpedaling his way out of their relationship . he then flees the scene with the grace of an inept thief . erin's mother ( holland taylor , in a surprisingly effective , small role ) , fearing that her daughter will be without a man in her life , takes out a personal ad for erin . to erin's embarrassed horror , the ad describes her as a " frisky , cultured , carefree professional with a zest for life " . eventually , erin responds to the tidal wave of responses , which makes for some of the most humorous , telling moments of the movie as she meets prospective suitors and " poseurs " . alan , a plumber and aspiring marine biologist , first spots erin as he's cleaning the inside glass of a fish tank at the boston aquarium . wearing a wet suit and goggles , he follows erin from window to window , separated by the glass as erin , oblivious to his gaze , enjoys the fish . later , we see him on a train as she sits on a platform outside , mere feet away . the movie spends it's entirety having their paths circle each other without crossing . there are several subplots involving alan . one concerns his attempts to get on the job track at the boston aquarium , thereby escaping his apparent fate to carry on the family plumbing business . another subplot involves his father's desperate attempts to force fate's hand by gambling away his life at the dog track . a distracting focus is put on alan's debt to a loan shark and the manner in which he pays it off . the movie tries too hard to make alan a likable guy . thankfully , his dream- guy persona is counterbalanced by erin's distant , yet fundamentally hopeful , personality . the film moves along at an unhurried pace , albeit too much so in the latter third , as we wait for the two to meet . co-writers anderson and lyn vaus throw a couple of possible red herrings into the mix as the two find other possible relationships . the films shifts into a much slower gear as we wait for these romances to blow over . when alan and erin eventually do meet , we see that perhaps they both were destined for each other as they share a lingering , almost subliminally knowing , gaze . it's a sweet , measured moment . the disappointment comes in the fact that we've come to know the pair , yet we don't get to view their impending romance . the film's inherent belief in the subtle persistence of fate and the wonder it can bring to one's life makes " next stop wonderland " a quiet pleasure in a cinematic landscape littered with explosions , shallow characters and overdone special effects . i'm an avid fan of the " alien " saga , so this review is obviously a tad biased ( at least i admitted it ) . of course , that doesn't mean that i'm gonna be giving this a four-star review or something , because " alien : resurrection , " the fourth film in the cool-as-hell series is not an absolutely amazing film , much like the first two were . however , it's a very good film which never fails to entertain , and consists of yet another mutation in the style of the series . in short , i had a good time . " alien : resurrection " leaves off 200 years after the last one , where our heroine protagonist , ellen ripley ( sigourney weaver ) , the science fiction genre's answer to job , had killed herself after discovering that an alien was inside her body , waiting to pop out like it did to john hurt in the first one . of course , the last one wasn't very great or anything ( i liked it , though not as much as the first two ) , and more importantly , it wasn't financially successful ( a tawdry 55 million bucks ! ) . so back we are , with ripley back as a clone , which means we get another little satirical look at cloning ( not that that's a bad thing , but it's becoming a cliche ) . so she's cloned aboard an even more futuristic-looking ship called " the auriga " by some doctors ( including the necessary bad government guy , dr . wren , played by j . e . freeman , as well as the little-seen dr . gediman , played by none other than brad douriff ) , mainly because they have a version of her with the alien still inside her . once you get past the fact that you can't figure out where they got her blood ( although i think it might have been from the blood samples taken by charles dance in the third one ) , the film's okay . also on board are a band of mercenary pirates , including michael wincott , ron perlman , kim flowers , raymond cruz , dominique pinon ( a jeunet sytable ) and . . . winona ryder , who plays analee call , who turns out to have a bit of a secret ( i won't state it , but unless you've been shacking up with salinger for the past two years , you probably know all about it - although it's nicely covered up ) . there's a bit of a non-sexual-yet-slightly-homoerotic relationship between her and ripley , but it's never really deepened enough . oh well . well , as you might have guessed , the alien and its spawn escape and run around the ship . and it pretty much does away with most of the people on the ship ( including some shocks - dan hedaya , for instance , who's death is comical yet sad since , well , he's dan hedaya ) , and the remaining people ( about 7 or 8 ) are left to try and escape and stop the aliens from doing any major harm since the ship is heading quickly towards earth . of course , the plot is all balderdash , and just an excuse for some good old " alien " -brand fun . the real focus of the series seems to be on style , not really substance ( although there's always a bit of it , most notably in " aliens " with the relationship between ripley and the little girl ) . what's interesting about the series is that each film is stylistically different in its approach . " alien " is a claustrophobic exercise in quiet frights . " aliens " is a wild , tense thriller . " alien 3 " is a bleak , moody piece of semi-noir . " alien 4 " is kind of like an off-beat french film , filled with lots of humor , and cool scares . jean-pierre jeunet ( without his usual directing partner , marc caro ) creates a ship filled with the kind of scares films like " das boot " has , with echoes hinting at a possible threat . the chills in the film are really cool , especially with the music , which is sometimes turned down completely for certain scenes ( there's the most tense surgery scene since " face/off " towards the beginning ) . and not every chill turns into a bloody mess or anything like that . this all combined with some good old humor makes this as interesting visually and stylistically as the others . there are even a couple scenes which just stick out afterwards as being brilliantly executed . one is the aforementioned surgery scene . another one takes place between call and ripley , which is just awesome . the underwater chase scene and the ladder scene afterwards is one of the most tense , thrilling , and jaw-dropping scenes in the entire saga ( with a small allusion to jeunet's earlier film , " delicatessen " ) . and the way they do in the final alien is hysterically cool ( with a lovely allusion to " goldfinger " ) . but the best scene in the entire film ( i'm sure i'm not the first to mention it ) takes place when ripley sees all the variations on her as they cloned her ( she has a an " 8 " tatooed on her arm ) . it might be the most emotionally stimulating scene in the entire saga . the screenplay by joss whedon is not a great piece of work , as it never really deapens a lot of the characters . however , it does make us care about most of them , so that when there's very little of them , and it looks like one or more of them may become alien chow , we are pretty scared . and , yeah , there are some very funny lines ( ripley : " who do i have to fuck to get off this boat ? ! " johner : " well , i can get you off . but not this ship . " ) the acting is good all around , with stand-out performances from ron perlman as the male chauvenist pig johner , and leland orser ( the poor bastad in " se7en " who performed the " lust " sin ) as an anxiety-ridden wannabe woody allen who has an alien inside him . winona ryder is good , but not amazing like she usually is ( although she meshes well with the film ) . of course , and as usual , sigourney weaver steals the show . playing a variation on the ripley character ( less emotional , and more rude and bitter ) , she pulls it off while still being utterly lovable . she's not going to get an oscar nomination like she did for " aliens , " but she's just awesome . overall , it's a thrilling , entertaining film which doesn't really amaze like the first two , but is much more amazing than the third installment . the style is the best part of the film , which isn't really a bad thing , but it being the best part takes away from a lot of the depth the film occasionally tries to apply . but it's entertaining as hell , and it's definitely fit for the " alien " series . it may seem weird to begin a film about glam rock with a sequence that includes a spaceship , a green ovular pin , and the birth of oscar wilde , but if one really strains , they can see that perhaps maybe these connections are not half off . wilde's philosophy was that everyone should be true to their own human nature , and the result of his following this philosophy was that he was imprisoned , loosing his family and his career . the glam rock movement in the early 70s in england had a similar take and came to a similar demise . the main difference was by placing makeup on their face and acting out on their deepest fantasies and inquiries about life ( mostly dealing with androgony and sexuality ) , they became less and less like themselves and more and more like everyone else . and that's why the movement seemed to end as soon as it began . it's been said that todd haynes' " velvet goldmine , " the film that chronicles what it was like to be a part of the movement , not only from those who experienced it but by those who created it , steals a lot from " citizen kane , " and that's true . in the film , a british journalist in the 80s , arthur stuart ( christian bale ) , is asked to go back and find out what happened to 70s glam rock star brian slade , a fictitious rock star , who faked his own death on stage , bringing the end not only to his career but to the entire glam rock movement . structure-wise , this totally steals from " kane , " not only from the set-up ( he interviews three people , and the story is a result of their flashbacks ) , but in other things , like the beginning ( death , then newsreel ) , and smaller details , like the bitter ex-friend in a wheelchair and the bitter ex-wife as a washed-up lounge singer , found in a bar after hours . this is no " kane , " and it really doesn't aspire to be : it doesn't attempt to be the deep outlook of something gone like " kane " did , and it doesn't really uncover anything poignant about humanity . instead , it uses the flashbacks as a form of contrast between the magic that was the glam rock era and the boredom that was life after glam rock for those who were participants . the 80s scenes are dry and deliriously melancholy , equipped with a performance by bale that is perhaps appropriately dull and unengaging . but the 70s scenes are engaging , though , not to mention addictively campy . they radiate with gorgeous cinematography that nicely accentuates all the vibrant colors of the era , and a feel that's so eerily lighthearted that when combined with the then-footage , they become not only a symbol of decadence , but of times when everything seemed so simple . instead of creating the world the way it was , haynes paints their own world as if it were a narcotic fairy tale : the glam rock movement was full of so much freedom and liberation that after you've experienced it , everything else seems so mundane . there's no outside world to speak of , secluding these people inside a protective globe that will eventually crack . haynes focuses his story on the tale of blade and the other fictitious rock hero , curt wild , and their relationship that created , molded , and then brought down the movement , reducing everyone else who contributed to it as merely that - contributors . blade - played with reserve by the pouty jonathan rhys meyers - and wild - played with anarchic wildness by ewan mcgregor - are little more than thinly disguised recreations of david bowie and iggy pop , respectively , complete with the creation of a ziggy stardust persona named maxwell demon and the confirmation that the two rock stars may have very well not only have been one-time partners in music , but also partners in bed . through discussions with slade's ex-manager cecil ( michael feast ) , ex-wife mandy ( toni collette , reinventing herself as an american blonde dish who fakes a british accent when with slade ) , and finally ex-partner wild , journalist stuart begins to remember his own experiences in the era , like his discovery of his rebelliousness cum conformity , including the moment when he began questioning his own sexuality ( when he opens up his first slade record , he finds a naked and green slade lying on a crimson blanket ) , and finally running away from home to be part of the london scene , finally resulting in leading a boring job in america . haynes demonstrates that he's quite the visual auteur , molding scenes that are like long heald breaths , such as a seemingly long sequence juxtaposing a slade/wild concert of them performing a brian eno cover , " baby's on fire , " with scenes from a decadent drug party ; and the film's most wow-inspiring sequence , the first concert scene of wild with his band , the ratttz , where mcgregor lets loose so much anarchic steam that his wild iggy-esuqe movements ( including stripping naked ) and screams that the film captures that perfect moment when one discovers a major talent , and another ( slade ) discovers his idle . even the brief music videos , spoofs of bowie's , have a rare visual flair that's pure camp , and which would cause ken russell to drool . the best sequence , though , may be the beginning , following the prelude , a sequence which acts as the middle ground for both the actual being of the movement and the post-movement era . in it , stuart and his mates are going to the infamous slade concert where he fakes his own death , where he kills off his alter ego maxwell demon in what appears to be a real assasination , which brought about the end of the era in one swift fake bullet . with brian eno's famous " needle in the camel's eye " playing in the background , the scene has a detached exhileration - the song doesn't seem to be played in quite the same way the other songs are . it has a distance that's hard to put a finger on , and it seems to represent that all this is coming to a quick and sad ending , and when one sees slade in the dressing room before the show , docked in a silver frock with wings and blue hair , depressingly staring into the mirror , it comes off as a none-too-obvious prophecy of the finale in the beginning of the film . this movie's not so much about plot , but more about the way it is presented , making this one of those films which is classified as being " style over substance , " a statement which prompts many critics to line up for attack . however , for the most part , the engaging part of this film is not the story but rather the way in which haynes creates this world , by using his sets , costumes , cinematography , and especially the music to play as characters in his film . the music is especially notable . the soundtrack , which is wall to wall , consists of old school glam rock tunes by the likes of brian eno , t-rex , and roxy music , as well as covers by slade's band ( with vocals by thom yorke , and occasionally rhys meyers himself ) , and even newer music by shudder to think that sounds uncannily bowie-like . the cast is rather impressive , but no one really walks away with the film , and no performances are extremely good . although eddie izzard , as slade's manager ( who challenges slade's first manager to an arm-wrestling match to see who gets control of his career ) and michael feast as the first and tragic manager come off greatly , and collette and mcgregor have their moments , rhys meyers and bale are noticably sub-par , neither putting a lot of effort into their respective roles . some of it is at fault with the actual construction of the film by haynes . rhys meyers' brian slade remains merely a metaphor for the glam rock era , dying when he turned into a retro-garbo , resorting to a life of salinger-ism , and found in the mid-70s to be lying around , sniffing coke off the ass of a party girl . in fact , no one in this film is really seen as a person , rather than just as a symbol or composite of a type who thrived during the era . bale's character is an especially tough sell : bitter and depressed by flashbacks to his young adulthood , he's not an extremely personal character , and his cliched experiences ( being hounded by the record store guys for buying a record put out by a " poof " ) never help us communicate with him . nevertheless , rhys meyers and mcgregor have the excuses that their characters are not really characters but rather the results of an era that has left them , and others , bitter , part of which helps the film work , since this is a major piece of eye candy . at the prime of the movie , they at least look the role of fashionable leaders - slade with his perpetually-changing , androgonys persona , and wild with his topless and unpredictable image , which clash and fuse into an unstable union . their story - of how slade was so influenced by wild that he adapted it into a similar who-cares attitude crossed with camp - is engaging , without the personal background . the story of stuart , though , is a tougher sell because he's the everyman , and when you can't totally identify with the everyman , your story's in slight trouble . as a cultural rock piece , " velvet goldmine " is rather good , but it is merely good . it never totally takes off , although it has moments where it absolutely flies , but then comes back down . it's really nothing more than a bunch of really great moments , surrounded by material that could really be much better . the beginning is captivating but slow , the middle is fantastic , and the ending is not only shallow but worse than that , it drags ( the final half hour not only does it not bring the story to any real conclusion , it could probably stop at any point ) . and did anyone really figure out what the mystery is that arthur unearths ? it almost seems like there was no point in the entire investigation other than to unearth the past , which is commendable but not totally so . still , it does what the oliver stone pic " the doors " didn't do right , becoming very insightful to what happened , using the visual style to hit most of the right notes of contrast between what made the era so great to those who lived during it and why after living through such an era that everything else seems half-assed ( i suppose the message is : " live life , but after you've lived it , what else is the point when you'll be forced to live with regretful memories ? " ) . the really superb achievement of this film is that during its flashbacks , it successfully creates for the audience what it must have felt like to be in that era , but with the added perk of knowing the result of all that goes down . when i first heard that romeo & juliet had been " updated " i shuddered . i thought that yet another of shakespeare's classics had been destroyed . fortunately , i was wrong . baz luhrman has directed an " in your face " , and visually stunning piece with this film . it revolves around the two rival families , who in this version each run multi-million dollar enterprises . these rival companies/families are the capulet's and the montague's . the younger generation of these two families have formed gangs , who despise one another . as the storylines goes , romeo montague ( played by leonardo dicaprio ) and juliet capulet ( claire danes ) meet at a fancy dress party , and it is love at first site . i never believed love at first site was possible until i saw this film , the scene in which romeo's eyes meet juliet's through the fish tank is one of the most memorable . of course , they cannot publicly reveal their love , for their families are arch enemies . so they marry in secret , this is where things begin to go wrong . the story , as with all good shakespeare , ends in tragedy . the cinematography is spectacular to say the least , and the soundtrack provides the perfect atmosphere in which to " lay our scene " , as the film says . there is very little to criticise . the performances are convincing , and several of the film's younger stars may find that it provides a launch for their careers . the modernisation of the script is ingenious and clever . despite the well known storyline , this latest version still manages to cause tears among many members of the audience ( especially the younger generation ) , and this is certainly a great credit to the film . krippendorf's tribe is a formula comedy . done poorly , formulaic comedies might seem to signify the downfall of american cinema . however , every now and then , one emerges , like krippendorf's tribe , that actually works . professor james krippendorf ( richard dreyfuss ) , the renowned anthropologist , is in trouble . his university gave him a hefty grant to discover a lost tribe in new guinea . however , he found . . . nothing . his wife has recently died , and he has spent the remainder of the grant money in raising his three kids : shelly ( natasha lyonne ) , mickey ( gregory smith ) and edmund ( carl michael lidner ) . tonight , he is expected to lecture on his newfound tribe . rather than break the news ( and face the consequences of misusing his funds ) , he invents a tribe : the shelmikedmu ( named after his kids ) . however , one lie begets another as he is not only required to deliver filmed proof of the shelmikedmu , but his research becomes a popular phenomenon . soon , professor krippendorf is caught up in an elaborate ruse in which he films mockumentary footage starring his children as the shelmikedmu tribal members . his efforts are hampered by the boasts of an over-eager colleague , veronica micelli ( jenna elfman ) , and the intense scrutiny of a rival anthropologist , ruth allen ( lily tomlin ) . krippendorf's tribe does seem to require a little suspension of disbelief . no one seems to question the way his field documentaries seem to be shot with multiple cameras , or that his newly discovered tribesmen have startlingly blue eyes . luckily , as the film builds momentum , that suspension of disbelief is easy to come by . though there's some mild humor in the krippendorf family trying to pass themselves off as a lost tribe , the real humor of the film is in how james gets trapped in his ever increasing snowball of lies . the double meanings to many of the shelmikedmu appearances are enjoyable , and the comic timing required for some of the film's latter scenes is superb . richard dreyfuss is terrific as the hapless professor who soon loses control of his own imaginary tribe . jenna elfman's position as a romantic lead seems a bit forced at times , but she plays the part with extreme affability . even the kids , who in films like this tend to be a bit on the precocious side , are endearing and humorous . yes , the film does veer occasionally into some rather lowbrow humor , but it has the best excuse of all : it's funny . it may not go down as an all-time classic , but it certainly delivers what you expect from a comedy : plenty of laughs . not since 1996's shine , which starred geoffrey rush as pianist david helfgott , has a movie so defiantly laid bare the lives of world-class musicians . in fact , if one were to watch these films together , it would almost certainly stand as a convincing argument that a life of music naturally leads to all varieties of social ills . yet hilary and jackie , the sophomore effort from director anand tucker , has something more to say -- it softly but strongly explores the complex relationships of sibling rivalry and love in a very compelling tale . emily watson and rachel griffiths are the leads in this tale , playing the sisters du pr ? . both musicians from childhood , hilary ( griffiths ) is renowned flutist while jacqueline ( watson ) is easily as skilled on the cello . the two comepete for and win many honors as children and as young women , both together and seperate . their careers as musicians surpass and then bow to one another's , and although their lives take very different paths -- hilary settles down to marriage and a family while rachel skips across the globe on a world concert tour -- they are bound together by their deep family love . the performances of watson and griffiths are excellent in style and substance . they contrast each other wonderfully , and while watson's portrayal of jackie du pr ? is at times eccentric and perhaps unsympathetic , both characters are charged with emotion . the frank cottrell boyce script , which is based on the book by hilary and piers du pr ? , brings a great deal of depth to these characters as well . the script is also to be commended for its well-polished dual nature . cottrell boyce adopts a style which one might expect to see in a mystery thriller ( which was in fact the case with david koepp and robert towne's script for mission : impossible ) and skillfully molds it to the story of two rising musicians on different courses to fame . the latter parts of his script are controversial to say the least , and the rather depressing ending takes the wind out of an envigorating story . some will leave this movie feeling disenfranchised . nevertheless , hilary and jackie is a movie that reaches an upper echelon of contemporary cinema through solid fundamentals and is a decent watch all around . luckily , some people got starship troopers . some people knew it was supposed to be silly . for those of you who didn't , how could you miss it ? from the very beginning , when we see an interactive internet-like promotional video for the armed forces of the future , it should be obvious this film is to be taken lightly . i guess without blatant one-liners and home alone style slapstick , some people just don't recognize such goofy humor . such a dry approach to such intentionally campy humor must have left some disillusioned . first thing to do before seeing this movie - lighten up . meet the equivalent of " beverly hills 90210 " meets " mighty morphin power rangers " . four close friends are now graduating high school and are ready to join the armed forces , which , in the future , means fighting for the whole galaxy and not just your country . johnny rico ( casper van dien ) is ready to join the infantry , mostly because his girlfriend carmen ibanez ( denise richards ) has enlisted to be a pilot . dizzy flores ( dina meyer ) has enlisted as a trooper , and it's possible she's joining merely to follow rico , whom she's always had eyes for . if you saw these three on the street , you'd automatically start searching for the fashion designers and photographers , for never has a movie's cast looked so much like the cut-out cover of " seventeen " magazine . the lone non-supermodel , carl jenkins ( played by doogie howser himself , neil patrick harris ) is the brainiac who gets into the military intelligence division , the top secret department that pretty much leaves doogie - er , carl out of the picture . ( good call - now we can put all our drooling efforts into only the most deserving of characters ) . right off the bat , rico becomes the star of the show , far surpassing all the other soldiers and becoming squadron leader in a short period of time . but a horrific accident during a standard training exercise ( which follows all to closely to his breakup with carmen ) leaves rico ready to call it quits . with his bags packed and his civilian clothes back on , johnny is ready to walk off base and catch the next flight home . well sorry , rico suave , but there's no place like home , especially after gigantic alien insects have destroyed it . that's right , the planet is being attacked by a colony of arachnid-like alien beings that a can of raid just isn't going to destroy . with a sudden change of heart ( and clothes ) , rico is back in the game , following his fellow starship troopers off to fight a mean group of daddy long legs . what starship troopers really is , is a spoof of all that it even remotely touches on - the soap opera like love affairs of high school , the love for sci-fi and thirst for gore shared by this same age group , etc . nothing is taken seriously . it's almost as much a satire on young adults as clueless , but with its sly and futuristic approach , it's not as recognizably so . it's a spoof so subtle that many won't recognize the spoofery . if you deem this as sci-fi/action , you're wrong . it's sci-fi/action/comedy , with the comedy being on the level of such cult favorites as evil dead 2 . starship troopers just may be on the road to cult status as well . gore is a factor heavily brought up in reviews of this film , but the gore , too , is meant to be cheesy . yes , it's graphic , but it's also brutally phony , and that's what makes it such great fun to watch . not since the old " mr . bill " skits on " saturday night live " has torture and mutilation been such a joy to watch . people were laughing out loud every time a body was severed in half or a head was viciously decapitated . perhaps it brings back fond memories of the severities we inflicted upon our sisters' barbie dolls as young children . with the actors resembling ken and barbie so closely , it's a good chance this is the case , whether we're fully aware of it or not . starship troopers has it's slow parts , but it's truly an alternative to your typical sci-fi/action flick or lame juvenile comedy . aside from the intentionally cheesy gore , the special effects are quite astounding . when the spaceship passes a meteor , it's quite an awesome spectacle , visually crisp and captivating . if you're looking for brainless fun , this is the epitome of your search . a beautiful cast , awesome special effects , fast-paced action , campy acting , and a whole lot of gore . this is brainless heaven . just remember not to think . the happy bastard's 30-second review notting hill a cute romantic comedy from the writer of the hit comedy four weddings and a funeral , notting hill stars julia roberts as anna scott , a very popular actress with a $15 million asking price for movies . one day she wanders into a travel book store owned by a simple london resident ( played by hugh grant ) , and sparks somehow begin to fly . sure , there are points of turmoil , such as putting up with grant's slightly disgusting ( but very hilarious ) roommate spike , anna's pesky ex-boyfriend ( alec baldwin in a humorous cameo ) , and , on top of all that , those damn press . it's a fresh sort of complexity to see in a romantic comedy , very different from , say , a stubborn father or " not the right time " like as seen in usual flicks . roberts is terrific as the astonishingly beautiful actress , and grant is surprisingly good as the straightforward guy still trying to get a hold of what has actually happened with this girl . in short , a sweet romantic comedy that has a lot of good laughs , particularly provided by spike . one tee-shirt really says it all about him . in an attempt to turn on a woman , he shows the front of the shirt , which says : " you are the most beautiful woman in the world . " on the back ? " fancy a f * * k ? " first , i am not a big fan of the x-files tv series . i have nothing against it particularly , i just don't happen to watch it . having said that , i can now say that i liked the x-files pretty well . for us non-fans , there's nothing big going for it , but there are a lot of little things . the movie opens on an ice cave in north texas in 35 , 000 b . c . two proto-humans enter the cave and find a space alien cocooned inside . the alien breaks free and kills one man in a struggle while the other is seemingly captured by the bloody ooze from the alien . the movie jumps to the same cave today where a boy ( lucas black , from sling blade ) is captured by the same black ooze . we then cut to fbi agents scully and mulder ( gillian anderson and david duchovny ) , who have been pulled off of their previous assignment ( investigations into the paranormal ) and put onto the bomb squad detail . a caller has threatened a federal building in dallas , texas . on a hunch , mulder checks out the building across the street , and , wouldn't you know it , he turns out to be right . the fbi finds the bomb in time to evacuate but not in time to defuse . five people die in the blast , and when mulder learns who the victims were , a light bulb goes on over his head . the two agents team up to investigate , against fbi orders , the links mulder has made . their search leads them back to the north texas cave , all across the country , and even to antarctica as they get closer and closer to " the truth . " the plot , and " the truth , " are uninspired . i got the feeling that what i learned was supposed to shock and amaze me . it didn't . the possible existence of aliens on earth has been explored so many times before in movies that one could hardly count them . but the point of the x-files is not what the truth is , but the extent to which it has been hidden . it's a slightly more interesting angle , but it still raises expectations about that " truth " too high . if this were the whole film , i would say the movie was mediocre , perhaps even boring . but there are other qualities that make me like this movie well enough to recommend it . the pacing of the film was brisk enough to hold my interest . before the audience can get tired of one location , the agents follow a hot tip to another location , and so on and so forth . the locations are not all computer-generated sets , either . there are some artificial settings , but the desert night of nevada , the edge of suburbia in texas , and the endless fields of snow in antarctica ( actually somewhere in north america . ) make this fantastic film feel more real . ward russell's cinematography is very good . the overall look is dark and ominous , appropriate to the intended tone of the film's plot . russell is able to make something as innocuous as a cornfield look foreboding . when the movie is set in darkness , the picture quality is still rich and detailed . finally , and specifically , there is an incredible shot at night in which the camera crosses the tracks in front of a fast oncoming train . i don't know if the shot is faked in any way , but it looks dangerous , and it looks great . the movie's soundtrack is also used to convey the dark tone of the film . ( skip to the next paragraph if you have yet to see the movie - there is a spoiler in the following sentences . ) during the opening prehistoric sequence , a howling wind dogs the soundtrack , never giving the characters or the audience an escape from the lonely terrible sound . in one of the movie's most effective sequences , metallic doors suddenly slam open to release a cloud of buzzing bees . the visuals of the scene are good , but what makes it so surprising and frightening is the sound . there was no question as to who the movie's stars would be . even so , duchovny and anderson are an interesting pair of actors and a good combination . both are easy on the eyes and together , they have some good timing , banter , and energy . there is a hint of chemistry between them , but it never gets in the way of their professional relationship . they are like a couple of kids out exploring the empty lot at the end of the street . there might be some romantic interest , but for now they're more interested in their environs than they are in each other . no single element really makes this movie outstanding - not even the sense of paranoia that makes the tv show so popular . but enough things were done right that the x-files is one of the more interesting summer adventures to come along . many people will not find much to like in what dreams may come , the new film by visionary director vincent ward . most will come to see the computer animated landscapes and vibrant colors . but little do they know ( as i so plainly found out ) that this has quite a complex story to tell . walking out of the theater , i could see the audience's disgust . . . one member even had to be awakened after the film ended . don't believe the previews that you see . . . this is definitely not a film for everyone . this is quite possibly one of the most adult-oriented films to come out in recent years . kids will get bored with the slow plotting and the complex storyline . the plot is just as fluid as the heaven that ward presents to us . it goes back and forth in time , as if it has no boundaries . think of the film city of angels . now add a more complex screenplay and a more unique vision . both films deal with the afterlife , but i doubt what dreams may come will do well at the box office . costing around $85 million to make , the film would have to do extremely well in order to make it's money back . but due to it's story , i doubt it will . for everyone who thought titanic's story was too simple and cliche , here is proof that if james cameron had written a more complex screenplay , it may not have done nearly as well . but don't get me wrong . . . i hope the film does do well . it's a vision of pure visceral enjoyment that hardly ever gets put to the screen . i doubt most of us could have thought of this place , even in our own mind . what dreams may come is the second best film of the year when it comes to visuals . the only film that surpasses it is dark city . full of rich , shocking colors , we get to see a heaven that most of us would probably die to get to . but don't do that , because you'll end up going to hell . what dreams may come begins with two boats colliding on a lake . chris " christy " nielsen ( robin williams ) is startled by the sudden jolt , but is even more startled by the beauty of the woman in the other boat . annie ( annabella sciorra ) spies chris , as well , and both eventually bond and get married . annie is an artist , whose paintings are colorful , lush , and surrealistic . chris is a doctor and loves annie more than life itself . they also have two children , marie ( jessica brooks ) and ian ( josh paddock ) . but one day , the two children are killed in a car crash , and it almost destroys annie . she tries to commit suicide , but fails , and is then put in an institution . chris copes with the problem by realizing they aren't around anymore , and nothing will change that . just as annie gets her life back in order , chris is killed while trying to save the life of a car crash victim . chris goes to heaven , or his version of heaven , rather . guided by albert ( cuba gooding , jr . ) , chris explores his new surroundings with pure delight and joy . that is , until he realizes how miserable he is without annie . prior to heaven , he would try to comfort annie , but the more he was around , the more pain she felt . chris decides to leave her alone . little does he realize what will happen next . i'm not about to say , because the plot point is crucial to the rest of the story ( many critics , however , give it away ) . certainly , chris dying is crucial to the plot , but they tell you that he dies in the previews . story is not necessarily important for this movie to work , because it deals with the afterlife . however , strangely , virtually nothing is heard of god or the devil . a couple of comments here and there , but the story maintains its focus on chris and his search for the love of his life . " we're soul mates ! " chris exclaims . heaven , in movies , is almost always depicted as a glowing city of white , purity , and love . usually , it also looks like it rests among the clouds . but what dreams may come goes a different route . it shows us a heaven that most of us have never seen before . chris' heaven is his memories brought to life . his thoughts can make anything real , and he makes the paintings annie drew become his heaven . " i've never seen anyone use real paint before , " albert says . equally good as the depictions of hell which cast away the normal stereotypes of fire and brimstone . instead , it's a state of being . in one gloriously horrific scene , chris and his " tracker " ( max von sydow ) arrive at a sea of faces . thousands of heads are stuck above ground , their bodies somewhere else . mostly dead silent , some quips are made , almost as if to lighten the mood . it's truly a frightening sequence . production designer eugenio zanetti is definitely going to be up for an oscar nomination . using state of the art computer technology , worlds are created for exploration . sometimes , some scenes play out as if they are only there for the visual impact . it's not necessary to be there , but we appreciate seeing it . costume designer yvonne blake ( who also appears in the film ) has done an incredible job providing some interesting and colorful costumes . cinematographer eduardo serra , whose work was last seen in the luscious wings of the dove , has a difficult job , as most cinematographers do working with special effects . but serra's entire universe is a computer generated image , and he does a masterful job . writer ron bass , adapting from the novel by richard matheson , provides a very fluid screenplay with no real set plot . the story is extremely vague in its details , allowing viewers to think for themselves about the meaning . and director vincent ward puts it all together into his final vision . what dreams may come is a good example of german expressionism which may just turn off a good portion of the audience . your average movie goer more than likely isn't used to expressionistic techniques . the film will also definitely draw attention from religious people , but they shouldn't take it too far . it is , after all , just a movie . robin williams has continuously impressed with his dramatic performances , while his comedic roles have been suffering . his comedy is perfection when he makes up his own stuff , but when is confined by a screenplay , he isn't quite as effective . but drama is really his strong point , and you can see that here . it's doubtful he'll get another oscar nomination , but i wouldn't really mind if he did . the real surprise here is annabella sciorra who impressed last year with cop land . this may be her breakout role and may garner her some much needed attention . it's also quite possible that she could get an oscar nomination . however , the academy doesn't like to award performances for these types of films . cuba gooding , jr . has been better , but he's certainly not distracting . max von sydow is underused , as are jessica brooks and josh paddock . a treat for some movie goers is to see werner herzog appear ( if they even recognize him ) as chris' father lost in the sea of faces . it's not hard to see why herzog would be attracted to this film , considering he thinks that audiences are starving for great images . overall , it's williams and sciorra's film . what dreams may come is rated pg-13 for thematic elements involving death , some disturbing images , language , and some partial nudity . the film is definitely aimed at a more adult audience . some will find the plot distracting . some will find the visuals absolutely glorious . and some will find both . the only real problem with the film , that i could see , was that it slows down considerably during the midsection , just after we have been immersed in the visuals and before the search for annie begins . by the way , some controversy even surrounded the title , which was mistaken for a sexual term ( " what " becomes " wet " and you should understand ) . in actuality , the title is from a soliloquy in hamlet . just thought i should let you know . when i was growing up in 1970s , boys in my school used to divide into two groups , based on their action movies preferences . the first one , myself included , liked movies that featured spectacular car chases , lots of machinegun fire and huge explosions . the latter one preferred hong kong martial arts flicks , probably because they could ( or , to be more precise , thought they could ) imitate its stunts in the real life . decades later , while refining my own cinematic taste , i began to appreciate and actually like those movies , probably because of overexposure to shoot-em-up idiocy of 1980s ramboids . yes , most of the kung fu and other " martial arts " flicks were cheap , they had predictable and formulaic plot , and asked very little of production values aside from martial arts skills . but , in the same time , those movies had their own rules and in the hands of capable director could become a terrific guilty pleasure and source of relaxation . the best of those movies , one that passed the test of time and managed to keep its own cult status after quarter of century was enter the dragon . made in 1973 in a joint hong kong - hollywood venture , it was intended to bring bruce lee's skills and kung fu philosophy to the western audience . it succeeded , but it is still debatable whether by its own merit or by the unfortunate and mysterious death of bruce lee that immortalised the myth about that actor . lee plays a quiet shaolin monk who is a martial arts expert . he is approached by interpol official who asks him to join tri-annual martial arts tournament that is held on a remote island , owned and controlled by han , renegade shaolin monk . interpol suspects that the martial arts business is just cover for narcotics , gun-running and prostitution operations and lee must find the evidence necessary for authorities to intervene . lee accepts the mission because of personal reasons - o'harra , han's brutal bodyguard was responsible for the tragic death of lee's sister years ago . the island is also destination of two colourful martial arts experts from us - williams ( played by jim kelly ) is black activist running from the racist police , and his friend roper wants to make money in order to pay gambling debts . the plot of enter the dragon was in many ways influenced by james bond ( the 007 franchise itself would return favour by using kung fu elements in the man with the golden gun two years later ) . the main hero was faced against a power-hungry megalomaniac on a remote island , alone against whole army of bad guys . on the other hand , lee was more believable hero than bond ; deprived of guns and super-tech gadgets , he had to rely only on his personal skills in order to survive . in the same time , the plot , although extremely thin , allowed him even some internal battles - between the natural instinct to avenge his sister and his own anti-violent philosophy . the latter provided some opportunities to evaluate lee's acting skills and some new elements to his impressive screen presence . although two other main actors - john saxon being the obligatory good white guy and jim kelly being the obligatory black good guy - were intended to share top spot with lee , they served as nothing more than a comic relief . it is a real shame to see kelly , definitely the worse actor than saxon , to steal the scenes from him only because his lines , being the worst possible blaxploitation cliches , sound so damn over the top . other actors , not including shih kien who turns han into typical , although not very convincing bondian villain , are nothing more than fist fodder for bruce lee ( among them is young jackie chan ) . fighting scenes are still impressive today as they were 25 years ago , although they mostly lack gore associated with that genre . in many way they are also more realistic ( they were personally staged by lee himself ) , demanding only a blow or two to incapacitate or kill the opponent . i'm not a martial arts expert nor the martial arts fan , but comparing those scenes with typical scenes today i simply can't avoid to appreciate the difference from today's movie fights when masses of bloody pulp manage to get up from the floor and win in the end . so , despite all the obvious flaws that preclude this movie of being top 100 of all times , enter the dragon is a incredibly entertaining piece of cinema and the martial arts flick that can be enjoyed even by those who don't like that particular genre . one of the sweetest tales to ever be made , it's a wonderful life isn't perfect , but its good natured charm and beautiful performances light up the screen with glorious results . probably the greatest " feel-good " film of all time , it's a wonderful life aims for the heart , and strikes with a golden arrow . on christmas eve , george bailey ( stewart ) is being prayed for by many in the small town of bedford falls . you see , george is in trouble , and he has always helped others who needed it . this one time , however , god answers his prayers , and sends down the lovable guardian angel clarence ( travers ) to try and save george . clarence has got his own problems , however . clarence is an angel without his wings , and each time the bell rings , the wings pass him by . the bailey case is a way for him to earn those magical wings and become a true angel . but before clarence can save george , he first has to go through a cliffs notes version of george bailey's life . we see george sacrificing his hearing to save his brother's life , sacrificing his college education to save the family business , sacrificing his dream of living far away to support his brother , and even sacrificing his life to make sure his brother is happy working somewhere else . when the bank his family owns is in trouble , george gives away his honeymoon money to make sure the bank isn't sold to the evil mr . potter ( barrymore ) , who wants nothing less than to get the baileys out of bedford falls . one christmas , potter gets his chance . uncle billy bailey ( mitchell ) loses $8 , 000 of the bank's money . without the money , the bank must close down . george is stuck in a tremendous bind , and contemplates suicide . clarence , the faithful servant , is there just to pick him up , and to show him what bedford would be like without george . this is all a lead-in to the very famous last scene , where george finally sees what true happiness is about . it's a wonderful life does have its faults . the movie is beginning to feel dated in the details , especially in the treatment of women and men . the sex roles in the film are weirdly out of place in the 90's , like something out of a revisionist look . all the men drink too much and slap their wives too much during some portions of the film . there are , however , endearing moments in all of this . capra puts in just enough humor mocking the sex roles of the 50's to make the movie remarkably enjoyable . the story is hackneyed , and the ending feels , well , a little too sugarish . there's this uneasy feeling of sugar over everything , especially the sequences where george is either in trouble , or helping somebody . it's a little too nice for my liking , at times . there is , however , enough humor , enough wit , and enough of jimmy stewart to get the movie through the middle part , which would be the most difficult . but watching it's a wonderful life is never boring or difficult : it's always interesting , right until the finale , which , for all its sugar , makes delightful sense and is beautifully done . capra does have his monumental cliches , but the actors relish them and overplay everything to perfection . donna reed is perfect as the loving , obeidient wife , and lionel barrymore is gloriously grump as mr . potter . everyone else is magnificent , including bert and ernie ( ward bond and frank faylen ) . there is a general sense of goodness , as if everyone in the film knows that they are making a great film , and they relish that . stewart , however , is the king of all of this . he is sometimes awkward , especially when saying " merry christmas " to all objects , animate or inanimate . but he is james stewart , and he's lovably delightful throughout the film . have i complained ? i shouldn't have . this is a really good movie . no , this is a great movie . better yet , this is a phenomenal movie . there is a reason classics are invented : to make sure that people will always have great movies to aid them in their quest for living life . this is one of those films . it is a " feel-good " movie , something people complain a little too much about . but capra's reworking of " a christmas carol " is the greatest christmas movie of all time . there , i've said it . i have to admit , the first time i saw this , i saw it with my family , including my 11 year old kid sister . they all loved it . they loved george , his wife , his troubles , and the beautiful ending . is it a little too sugar-coated ? maybe . no matter . this is a film that should be watched time and time again , with families around a coffee table , and eggnog on the plate . it is a film that just makes you feel good about life , family , and hope . it is the perfect christmas film , flaws and all . it is frank capra's greatest acheivement , and that really does say a lot . for about 121 out of 129 minutes , this movie is flawless . the rest can be excused : no film is perfectly flawless . i can't get over how much i love this movie , and how much you will , after watching it , digesting it , and sitting with your family , appreciating how special life really is . of circumcision , psychic wounds and the family sitcom the opening segment is something of a foretaste of this film . there's a guy's voice telling us how he tries to imagine what his biological parents look like , and on the screen we see images of a variety of oldish men and women . as his imagination plays o n , he ( and we ) picture these motley characters in a mix-and-match shuffle of unlikely marriages , businesswomen with bums , matrons with paint salesmen , the images coming on in a faster and faster frenzy . it's not just a witty , funny summing up of the film 's themes - you might not guess it yet , but it sets the pattern for the way the story goes on . what starts out as a step in a fairly sensible direction , gets taken on a road trip , put through a detour or two and finds itself freewheeling towards an immin ent crash . that may not sound so different from the average family sitcom , and the general idea of the film doesn't , at first , seem so wildly distant from standard-issue hollywood comedy : man who was adopted as a child ( ben still er ) sets out on a journey to meet his real parents , along with his wife ( patricia arquette ) , his baby , and a pretty psychology-researcher ( tea leoni ) in tow . various mix-ups , shenanigans , oddball characters and , yup , disasters follow . but if you think you've been here before , the dialogue and the direction ( by david o . russell , who made spanking the monkey ) take it into another dimension . the dreaded t-name seems an inevitable reference point ( what with a drug overdose scene and the casting of arquette from true romance ) but really the point is that the foot-massage master hasn't got a monopoly on plot twists and fast , funny , irreverent lines , or on the absurdities of ordinary speech . whether it's about circumcision , psychic wounds , oral sex , carjacking , the beauties of the armpit area , or ronald reagan , the script never seems to run out of hilarious invention . the best thing is how these words aren't just there for the punchlines , but are great precisely because they're said in character , like tea leoni's neurotically-charged psychobabbler who's able to say under assault , " it's understandable if you find this threatening " . the cast is excellent throughout , and , rather than singling out anybody , kudos are due to the fine ensemble acting , with the sometimes frenetically overlapping dialogue and the sense of a dozen different reagents colliding to the point of fission . there are some elements of a woody allen film in this ( not to mention the hand-held camera and loose , improvisational feel of some scenes ) . like allen , russell's interests are in the volatile sexual politics of couples and the neurotic obsessions in both pare nts and children ( and everybody , really ) . still , if you're expecting a privileged moment of revelation and emotional outpouring a la " murphy brown " / " frasier " / fill-in-the-blank-american-comedy , well , it won't happen . the film sets up expectations like these , with the lead character's search f or his origins and his hopes of self-healing , only to knock them down . if the conventional sitcom structure is to put a slightly loopy family in catastrophic conditions only to rediscover their essential lovey one-ness , flirting with disaster's charact ers embark on a journey to seek that essential state but find themselves only plunging into more weirdness and dysfunctional chaos the further they go . and that , the film suggests , is the essential family state - and you better learn to love it . somehow , this is perversely feelgood cinema , right up to its manic end . nosferatu the vampyre ( germany 1979 ) a film review by mike watson copyright 1999 mike watson this extraordinary re-telling of bram stoker's " dracula " by german filmmaker werner herzog deserves the most prominent of places in cinematic vampire lore . inspired by f . w . murnau's 1922 silent film of the same name , herzog's film is a work of exquisite bleakness , an oddly touching tragedy with a beautiful and uniquely haunting quality that lingers long afterwards . the original full-length english and german language versions of nosferatu have at last received a video release by u . s . distributor anchor bay entertainment , and in gorgeous widescreen prints . until now only a shortened english language version of the film was available on video , and only in europe . both of these re-releases restore the film to its full length , but viewers should still be wary of the english version due to its often stilted dialogue . apparently the english dialogue coach herzog had on the set during filming was incompetent , and some of the voices also seem to be dubbed . the german version with english subtitles remains the definitive one . everyone knows the story of dracula . or do they ? his story has been so bastardised on film over the years that a brief reminder of the basic plot certainly won't hurt . jonathan harker is a young lawyer sent to the gloomy castle dracula in transylvania to do business with a creepy count ( played by klaus kinski ) who wants to buy a house in harker's hometown . upon seeing a photo of harker's wife ( the radiant isabelle adjani ) he instantly falls in love with her . locking harker up in his castle , he sets off on a long journey to meet this woman whose beauty so bewitches him . upon divining his identity as a vampire , adjani seduces the count and lures him to his death one morning as the sun rises . that is a story familiar to millions , but herzog has elevated stoker's tale into the realm of - and i use this term a tad reluctantly - cinematic art . nosferatu is as much a meditation as it is a film , shot through blue-ish and white filters and peopled with characters who perform as if they were half hypnotised . the film's surreal , dream-like quality is utterly mesmerising . there is much to enjoy , but i'll limit my praise to a few key points . holding the film together is kinski's remarkable performance as count dracula . past screen portrayals , including bela lugosi's famous turn , have largely been one dimensional and tended towards camp . but kinski . . . oh boy , this is something far more compelling . aided by a startling make-up job , he portrays dracula's vampirism not simply as pure evil but as some sort of loathsome disease . this man is dreadfully lonely . he lives in utter solitude , shunned by the locals for his hideous appearance and reputation for bloodlust . kinski's portrayal of the count is both creepy and deeply affecting . when he dies , you almost feel as if this man's tortured soul has been freed at last . then there's the unforgettable soundtrack , largely composed by german group popul vuh . it is so eerily beautiful and evocative that it's quite impossible to imagine the film without it . popul vuh are longtime herzog collaborators and play an ancient-sounding kind of spacemusic using piano , chants , and exotic instruments . when i first saw this film some years ago i was so impressed i tracked down and bought a number of their albums . the one i still listen to the most is " tantric songs " , from which most of the music in nosferatu is taken . it's a testament to the music's depth that it is as powerful without the pictures as it is with them . the album is still available on the highly respected ambient and world music label celestial harmonies . this is a timely re-release by anchor bay . after francis ford coppola's unscary and woefully overblown version of bram stoker's tale in 1992 , it is a joy to go back to herzog's film and see the amazing things he has done with what is now a century-old story . to some aficionados , nosferatu is quite simply the greatest vampire film ever made . without a doubt , it is an unmistakable classic of the genre . don't miss it . even if i did not know that director and co-writers james wong and jeffrey reddick of the creepy final destination helped create the hit television show the x-files , i would have inevitably made a connection . the similarities are very apparent from the inexplicable phenomenon- like plot , to the mysterious characters , to the overall dark , ominous settings . it would have been perfectly fitting to see fbi agents mulder and scully investigate this case , they witness stuff like this on a weekly basis ( in fact mulder and scully would have been a much more welcome change to the bland one dimensional fbi agents seen in this movie ) . another more important similarity , is that both succeed in entertaining and thrilling at the same time . this is a great accomplishment for a teen horror movie , especially when compared to some of the trash , of the same genre , released in the last couple of years ( urban legend and i still know what you did last summer are classic examples from the bunch ) . what helps final destination is its unique premise . unlike your average horror flick in which some invincible psycho with a knife chases blonde cheerleaders , the villain presented is unusual , it's the grim reaper . this being already has predestined when and how you will die . according to the brief history lesson given in this film , everyone was meant to die at a certain time , some people at 100 , others at 17 , whatever death chooses . what is unique about death is that it's already dead , so you can't really kill it . the only way to defeat death is to cheat it ; the question is how do you do that ? this dilemma is what faces alex and a group of teenagers . alex has been having some dreams that the airplane which will take his class on a trip to paris will crash , leaving no survivors . alex begins to realize that his dreams are a little too real and eventually gets himself and six others kicked off the plane right before it takes off . shortly after , the plane does indeed crash leaving some of the seven survivors confused and others feeling immortal . however , death isn't through with them yet . it gradually kills off the seven one by one , leaving those currently still alive frantically trying to trick death again . the plot allows for some of the most creative , original death scenes i have seen in a while . some scenes build up the perfect amount of tension until an elaborate climax , others are so unexpected they will leave your jaw wide open in shock . creativity and originality are two adjectives lacking in most horror films nowadays but final destination is not like most horror films . sure , it has your traditional share of jerks and outsiders ( ali larter's character is particularly annoying ) , but the shocks , from the beginning to the end , are extremely entertaining . also director wong has the sense not to take the movie too seriously . he knows its just another entertaining guilty pleasure that won't win any academy awards ( not even a golden globe ) . the myriad of inside jokes and gags ( the characters are named after famous horror directors , one character who plays a jerk is named carter , like x-files creator chris carter , and a song by john denver , who died in a plane crash , plays whenever death is near ) show this movie is a bunch of guys having a good time making a movie . and from this , i had a great time watching the movie . " take a number , fill out a form , and wait your turn . " starring kati outinen , kari v ? ? n ? nen , sakari kuosmanen , elina salo ; written & directed by aki kaurism ? ki ; cinematography by timo salminen it might be possible to call drifting clouds a satire or a black comedy , but that would imply a sense of anger , of vitriol , of energy ; drifting clouds is what you get when the rage and vitality are gone . it is the sad , slow story of lauri and ilona , a married couple caught between the wheels of capitalism as it grinds inexorably onward . he loses his job as a tram driver , because everyone drives cars nowadays . within a couple of months , she loses her position as a head waiter , when her restaurant is bought out by a chain and the entire staff replaced . a conversation early in the film reveals a lot about their situation . lauri has surprised ilona by buying her a tv , which she greets with little enthusiasm . she notes that they haven't finished paying for the bookshelves or the couch yet . he says that in four years the payments will be done and then they can buy some books for the shelves . it would pass as deadpan humour if it wasn't spoken with such resigned weariness . this sets the tone for the rest of the movie . there is humour and idiosyncracy at the periphery , but at the centre there is frustration and futility , and sorrow for the ways in which the logic of profit reduces people , until their worth is equated solely with their earning capacity . there is an element of political commentary in this critique of the mechanisms of capitalism and the stultifying social environment it creates , but in drifting clouds the political is subsumed by the personal : the movie is about two people and what happens to them , and nothing else matters . lauri and ilona live lives starved for friendship , respect , culture , passion . they go to the movies , and walk out past old posters for l'atalante and l'argent , but the movie they have just seen is a pointless , violent , unfunny comedy . their house and workplaces are uniformly unpleasant , painted and upholstered in lifeless colours ( ugly greens , dull reds , insipid blues ) , full of inelegantly functional objects and appliances . the art design is impeccable in its tawdriness , and director aki kaurism ? ki often matches the colour of characters' clothes with the background colour and/or lighting , so that it seems as if they are almost physically fading into the environment . there is no suggestion of sexuality in the relationship ; ilona and lauri sleep in separate beds and their gestures of affection lack the heat of desire ; their lives are now bound by something more complex and desperate than love . their downward , downsized , downtrodden lives have a momentum that is almost comic , as one setback succeeds another , bottoming out when lauri stakes all their remaining money on the spin of a roulette wheel . it must have been tempting to play the story for more laughs , more farce , more deadpan wit , but the film's great strength is the sober , empathic manner in which it observes lauri and ilona's misfortunes . irony would be an injustice . situations and settings are broad and exaggerated--this is not realism--but they are not distorted . the emotions are authentic . if it is difficult to laugh at anything that happens , despite the droll performances , the laconic humour , that's because kaurism ? ki brings such compassion and understanding to the manifold indignities that are suffered . he shows us how humiliating it must be for a woman of thirty-eight , who has worked long and hard to win a respectable position , to be forced to accept a job as a dishwasher in a two-bit restaurant ; how humiliating it must be for a man nearing 50 to confront his wife's former employer , demanding the rest of her wages , only to have the crap beaten out of him , unable to land a single punch , when the employer and his cronies refuse to give him the money . all this is observed keenly , with great economy : every cut , every line of dialogue , is judicious . if most films are novelistic in their telling , this one brings the focus and concentration of a short story to bear . but what is gained in nuance and acumen is rather undermined by the sense that the material barely accommodates the 96-minute running length . i have seen many movies far less profound , less humane , less necessary than drifting clouds , but they filled me with an urge to watch them again , and this one did not . it does not need to be seen twice : its every detail and implication can be absorbed in one viewing . it is not a movie that will be seen by a large audience , because it cannot be pitched to one . there is no selling point . it is all understatement , restraint , melancholy . the characters are unremarkable , their best years behind them , their dreams dissipated ; it takes all the effort they can muster just to pay the bills . this does not make them less fascinating , merely less marketable , which is a shame , because this is a movie which should be seen , precisely because it pays attention to people and emotions that most movies prefer to ignore . it engages us and touches us and resolves--surprisingly , and movingly--into something resembling a happy ending . the only thing greater than the ill-luck that governs the characters' lives is their refusal to give in to despair . their persistence is rewarded with what might be called a " feel-good " ending elsewhere , but not here , because this ending differs in kind from most such endings : this one has truly been earned . ingredients : london gal , fate , true love , running joke about monty python's spanish inquisition synopsis : american actress gwyneth paltrow with dark hair , playing a londoner ? believe it . sliding doors is a love 'what if' story . the gimmick is that it's really two stories : the film follows the life of helen ( gwyneth paltrow ) down two directions . in the beginning , likeable gal 'helen' ( gwyneth paltrow ) gets unexpectedly fired from her advertising job . so she goes into the subway train station meaning to return home early to her apartment and her sleeping live-in lover gerry ( john lynch ) . helen doesn't know it , but she is at a fateful junction in life : 1 ) if she enters through the sliding door of a london subway train her life takes one path with one future 2 ) if she stays on the platform her life takes another path with a different future . the film shows what happens in both paths , switching back and forth between intertwined , parallel stories . in story one , helen meets a charming and talkative monty python fan named james ( john hannah ) on the train . arriving home early , she discovers that her live-in , gerry ( john lynch ) , is having sex with his former lover lydia ( jeanne tripplehorn ) . this leads to a life where helen moves out . helen's winsome new friend james helps her recover from a broken heart , and encourages her to start her own business . in story two , helen experiences a different fate . she misses the train , never meets james , and doesn't get home early enough to discover gerry's infidelity . in this new life , helen takes up odd menial jobs , and faces the constant sneaking suspicion that all is not right with her relationship with gerry . will the truth of the heart finally work its way through a number of problems and setbacks in both scenarios ? opinion : rejoice all ye monty python fans , gwyneth paltrow fans , and watchers of quirky romance flicks . at last here's proof that there's still creativity in 1990s filmmaking . sliding doors is refreshingly different from anything this year . not only is it a well-acted , heartwarming film , but it's also easily gwyneth paltrow's best recent performance . when helen ( paltrow ) screams that her unfaithful boyfriend is a 'shagging wanker , ' ( a british phrase better left untranslated ) she sounds like she knows what she's talking about ! nor does sliding doors go overboard with formulaic true love or other stereotypes . nobody scrambles around in danger , screaming , " i will find you no matter what , my darling ! " when helen finds herself on a boat in the starlight with james , she doesn't take the easy way out and leap into his arms , since she's supposed to be recovering from heartache . and handsome live-in boyfriend gerry isn't the stereotypical screen hunk ( either a stud or a snob ) . instead he's a nervous and indecisive , almost helpless hunk . another example : when one of the protagonists lies wounded in a hospital , sliding doors gives us neither the 'hospital miracle' nor a maudlin tragedy but surprises us with a third variation . in other words , all of the characters seem non-stereotyped , human , and local . there are minor inconveniences . since sliding doors switches back and forth between two possible fates , it's occasionally difficult to distinguish between the two . distinguishing between the two stories isn't a problem in the scenes containing paltrow , who sports two different hairstyles . but in scenes containing only lydia and gerry , who look the same in both stories , it's slightly confusing . also , quite a few snappy comebacks referring to american pop culture ( seinfeld , woody allen , etc . ) are spoken by the british characters . but these seem slightly forced , given that the remaining dialogue is predominantly british slang . possibly an attempt by the screenwriter to balance the british so that american audiences can feel more comfortable ? sliding doors is a charming , quirky , original , happy romance with a little 'philosophy of fate' thrown in . monty python and the meaning of fate , anybody ? sick : the life and death of bob flanagan , supermasochist by fernando vallejo starring bob flanagan and sheree rose . interviews by kathe burkhart , kirby dick and rita valencia . produced and directed by kirby dick . running time : 90 mins . this film is not rated . the central themes of " sick : the life and death of bob flanagan , supermasochist " are pain and love , and its subsequent effect on a person's life . its protagonist , bob flanagan , who died at the age of 52 , suffered from cystic fibrosis , a mortal disease which debilitates the lungs by saturating them with thick coats of mucus , preventing him from normal breathing . the movie is about much more than recouperating ( or attempting to ) from this disease . an audacious , fabulously triumphant docudrama , " sick " chronicles the life of flanagan and his vicious , unthinkable acts of sadomasochism conducted with his mistress of 15 years , sheree rose , who amazingly provided much of the footage for the film . flanagan's idelogy crosses the realms of rebelliousness and becomes transcendental , similar to terry zwigoff's brilliant 1994 " crumb " , which also explored the dysfunction of an artist by painting not a sympathetic portrait , but a realistic one . both crumb and flanagan revelled in their defects . but flanagan was not only a man content on enduring the pain via lungs , he inflicted acts of pain on himself at a very young age , courageously defying god ( he was an irish catholic ) and turning his body into a work of art , which he unraveled in museums and lectures . behold these works of physical art . among them is a metal ball inserted inside his anus , and , --the most disturbing scene of the decade-- , nailing his penis to a board . flanagan was a man of great intelligence , wit and humor , as well as adopting a sense of candidness scarcely seen in modern filmmaking . not only did he approach his disease with humor , peforming burlesque acts in front of an audience , he was also revitalized by his approachment . most with cystic fibrosis do not make it past their earlier twenties ( there's also a subplot involving a female devotee who knew death was awaiting her . ) but the most outstanding thing about " sick " is flanagan's relationship with sheree . brimming with honesty , sensual stimulation and unapologetically sad moments of pain , their powerful bond lifts " sick " into a rare cinematic high , where we forget we are in an auditorium and become a part of these people . the last scene , where we see the hero murmuring the last words to his wife in a hospital bed , as he struggles for his last moments of life , is raw , tender , hideous . it goes a step beyond cinematic intimacy . studio expectations must not have been high for " great expectations " -- the film's release date was pushed from late december to late january at what appeared to be the last minute , therefore putting any academy awards chances it has off until this time in 1999 . it's actually a smart move , because while this updated take on the charles dickens tale isn't quite oscar fodder , it * is * strong enough to be distinguished from the cinematic dumping ground that usually makes up the first five or six weeks of any given year . " great expectations " also demonstrates how to modernize a classic story right , especially after the excruciatingly wretched excesses of baz luhrmann's " william shakespeare's romeo + juliet . " " great expectations " opens somewhere in 1970s florida ( the original story is set in 19th-century england ) , as eight-year-old finn ( jeremy james kissner ) meets a trio of people who will have a profound effect on his life in the future . there's icy , 11-year-old estella ( raquel beaudene ) , a pseudo-playmate of finn's ; ms . dinsmoor ( anne bancroft ) , estella's auntie who's quite off-kilter over a past romance that never took off ; and a mysterious prisoner ( robert de niro ) whom finn saves the life of . finn , who lives with his sister's affable boyfriend ( lone star's chris cooper ) , fancies himself an aspiring artist , and proves his prowess by whipping up an unusual portrait of estella using only ms . dinsmoor's lipstick , eyebrow pencil and the wallpaper from her dilapidating mansion . flash forward into the '90s ( after a brief stop in the '80s ) , and finn ( now played by ethan hawke ) , despondent over a strange hot-and-cold relationship with the elusive estella ( gwyneth paltrow ) , receives quite a bit of money from an unknown benefactor ; it's enough cash to send him to new york to focus on a career in art . there , finn seems to gain everything he could ever want -- wealth , prestige and a high place in the glamorous art world . when estella resurfaces -- albeit with an aloof fianc ? ( hank azaria ) -- finn also sees the chance to renew their mutual attraction . but she's not the only ghost from finn's past that's going to be paying him a visit . comparisons with the afore-mentioned " romeo + juliet " seem inevitable since these films are the only ones in recent memory to plop classic drama into a current setting . " great expectations " is a much better venture , though , because it treats its source with even-handed respect , where " romeo " was never quite sure whether to be a spoof , a homage or both . the movie is a visual banquet thanks to emmanuel lubezki's sexy cinematography ; notably , he captures a revisited fountain kiss between the two leads with a luscious , erotic charge that's steamier than the film's ( surprisingly muted ) love scenes . the eclectic rock soundtrack compliments the on-screen action beautifully , especially new songs by tori amos , mono and duncan sheik . acting credits are first-rate , often hiding the screenplay's occasional slip-ups . hawke is sincere and solid as a leading man ( something we also learned from " gattaca " ) , and his finn is quite a likeable guy . paltrow's estella , on the other hand , is rather underdeveloped . while the actress is at her icily seductive best , we're not told very much about her character , and as a result , it's often hard to understand why finn would appreciate her beyond a physical level ( but , oh , * what * a physical level ) ; sometimes , we root for finn although we don't quite understand why she's fueling his fire . robert de niro is nice and sophisticated in the benevolent kind of role he rarely gets to play ; on the other end of the acting spectrum is bancroft , a macabre , throaty delight who mambos and sucks down cigarettes with an eerie enthusiasm that would make norma desmond jealous . alfonso cuaron's visually elegant direction helps to distract from the dry moments that pop up more frequently around the movie's climax . another problem is predictability ; you can guess your way through the plot even if you aren't familiar with the story . despite its script flaws , though , " great expectations " is undeniably romantic without being corny or gloppy . and frankly , it's nice to see a film that embraces softened sensuality other than explicit sexuality . perhaps that renovated release date , awfully close to valentine's day , will end up helping " great expectations " ' seemingly average box office chances after all . seen december 28 , 1997 at 8 : 45 p . m . at the crossgates mall cinema 18 ( guilderland , ny ) , theater #8 , with matt perreault and my sister jena for free ( matt paid using pre-paid passes ) . if there's ever been an exception to the perils of excessive cliches and non- stop action , the james bond films are it . and if there's ever been a james bond film that not only proves this , but does so by pushing it to the extreme , " tomorrow never dies " is it . opening sequences almost always make or break action films . when done properly , not only are they actually exciting , but they foreshadow things to come . this film starts off on the right foot by establishing the kind of atmosphere that could only be found in an action movie , but with a sense of the self-aware , enclosed universe where james bond movies take place in . first there's a high-tech , slightly complicated scene involving a british warship crossing into unfriendly , chinese waters . there's definite tension as there seems to be an unknown , but certainly hostile , third party involved who is manipulating both sides . when the scene ends in tragedy , it's clear there's some kind of powerful conspiracy going on , and who else to call on for such a case but james bond ? the film uses good judgment in the way it introduces us to bond ( brosnon ) . as the enemy was portrayed as evil and mysterious , bond is clearly ( and obviously ) depicted as an out-and-out hero . he single-handedly takes out a small army of terrorists , and then must escape in the nick of time by flying away in a fighter jet while the co-pilot tries to strangle him and a terrorist in another jet tries to shoot him down ! this might sound like the kind of cliches films like this are notorious for ( over- ) using , but it works here because the film knows how to get our attention quickly . it's not about the payoff because it's obvious bond will escape , instead , it's the way it processes the action sequences by going over the top and not apologizing for it , all the while creating for witty , hysterical comedy . it seems less emphasis is placed on the villains in thrillers anymore , because of political correctness , and just plain copping-out on behalf of the filmmakers ( even the term " villain " sounds passe ) . what the film deserves kudos for is its ability to create a villain as heinous as they come , yet making him seem completely plausible . jonathon pryce delivers a perfect performance as the arrogant , cunning elliot carver , a media mogul whose goal is to take over the world , that is , through his massive media empire , not through nuclear weapons . through some interesting detective work , bond and the english ministry of defense believe carver is behind the trouble brewing in the southern asian seas as a way to create and accurately cover his own news . not only is that an original idea for a conflict , but one which could carry over into reality . surprisingly , this is about as detailed as the story allows the specific plot to become . the film's hook is the action , and of course those cool gadgets and we get plenty of that here as bond goes out to investigate carver and finds himself in a jam or two along the way . the story works much like bond himself - always on the run and concentrates more on the individual conflicts than any general plot . somehow a chinese agent , wai lin ( yeoh ) , bumps into bond a few too many times and they find themselves working together . the chemistry between brosnon and yeoh is rigid , but also works because of this , not in spite of it . the two are constantly on the run from carver and his goons , yet the film manages to balance the stunts and special effects with its clever story . although " tomorrow never dies " is far from perfect , it is quite an impressive film in terms of its ability to be so cliche and cartoony and not make plausibility an issue . james jones , one of the major novelists from the middle of the twentieth century , has written a number of fictional works about the effects of war on the individual . a veteran of world war ii , and a witness to the pearl harbor bombings , his novels are not only grounded in realism but poetic in nature . they are reminiscent of stephen crane in their blunt eloquence , a trait which lends itself to razor-sharp focus . but perhaps none matches the scope of his autobiographical novel , the thin red line ; now a cinematic masterpiece from director terrence malick . the book's principal cast , some thirty characters , has been trimmed down for this rendition , but it still retains its most endearing value . each of the roles has an everyman quality , emphasizing jones' examination of world war ii on the american soldier . there's a definitive chain of command present , and this also plays on the motivations of the cast . but most importantly , and perhaps intrinsic to the novel but not to the movie , a dynamic and effective voice-over is used . malick has several characters relating their thoughts , giving the viewer a greater perspective of the issues at stake . the issues at stake are many and one . told from a limited third-person perspective ( as opposed to a top-down , omniscient view ) , the movie entails the struggle of an american infantry company ( " c-for-charlie " ) to take a hill during the conflict at guadalcanal . the south pacific island is seen by the top brass as the key position for american armed forces to hold if they want to win the war . and want to win the war they do . in an excellent performance , nick nolte plays c-for-charlie's commanding officer , lt . col . gordon tall . he's an aging soldier who embodies the win-at-all-costs mentality , if only to impress his superior ( john travolta , in a questionable cameo ) . this philosophy is opposite that of captain bugger staros ( elias koteas ) , who dearly values the life of each and every one of the men under his command . at the front are the privates and corporals ( adrien brody , james caviezel , ben chaplin , et al ) , lead by 1st sgt . welsh ( sean penn ) , who must actually execute the suicide orders handed down to them . the thin red line is filled with intense , visual poetry , but it's nearly three hours long . although the interest level is high throughout the first two hours , the climax comes forty-five minutes before the end of the movie ; it goes without saying that the movie drags on the back end . the thin red line will doubtless be compared to 1998's other masterpiece of war , saving private ryan a countless number of times . but to do so is to belittle both films , for although similarities abound , so do differences . director malick has a story to tell , and for those interested in listening , this can be a very outstanding movie . an energetic , visually stunning , but intellectually hollow recreation of the mysterious life of jeanne d'arc . in history jeanne d'arc is lost in an ocean of mystery and controversy , which creates the perfect launching pad for talented and creative directors , who can basically alter the story as they wish . she came in a time where people desperately needed a saint . a hero that could rescue them for misery and deliver peace and happiness . director/writer luc besson ( 'nikita' , 'leon' ) portrays his version of the peasant girl who commanded the armies of france and was burned at the stake for witchcraft . besson tries to recreate the person behind the legend . he tries not to show her as a saint or a villain . he shows her as a human being . in a time where blood was almost pouring from the sky , and the air smelled of rotten flesh , it is hard to keep your sanity . the only support and hope is in god . at the age of 13 , jeanne ( milla jovovich ) watches her own sister murdered and raped by the english soldiers . this terrible event makes a lasting impact on jeanne's mind . god is no longer her support . he has become her obsession . she starts seeing visions and signs that command her to raise an army and free france from the siege of the english tyranny . with the help of the wise yolande d'aragon ( faye dunaway ) and charles vii ( john malcovich ) , whose grand royal ambitions and life are at stake , jeanne raises an army and marches towards the english walls . after this the film stays mostly on the battlefield , where besson demonstrates his ability to direct amazing action sequences , only occasionally resorting to a calmer tempo . the movie is filled with dreamy , symbolic images of pure artistic craftsmanship , that create a surreal and occasionally paranoiac atmosphere . the film is lost in time and space , hysterically jumping back and forth in jeanne's thoughts , imagination and conscience . besson's visual style permits the audience to enter the medieval age , feel the smell of fresh blood and the adrenaline pumping in your body in the heat of battle . but the film is far from being flawless . the script needs a lot of polishing . except for jeanne , there are no real characters . and although a grand star cast is assembled , their characters are nothing more than props , not more alive than the costumes that they are wearing . as for the maiden of lorraine herself , she is portrayed as a simple girl , too small for her divine task . in the latter part of the film , we see her as hysterical , confused and on the brink of madness , with her past purity and innocence for ever lost . jovovich handles the part with more panache than one might expect . but though her screen time is incredible excessive , both malcovich ( 'being john malcovich' ) and dunaway ( 'titus' ) surpass her rather overacted and simply unprofessional performance . and even hoffman manages to breathe some life into his dreadfully small part . besides casting jovovich , besson's only mistake is his extreme sense of patriotism that in the end ruins his so gloriously crafted painting . there are some viscously evil englishmen that murder , pillage and betray with a smile on their faces . and some incredibly brave and noble frenchmen , represented by the " three musketeers " of this story -- the brave gilles de rais ( vincent cassel ) , the wise aulon ( desmond harrington ) and the strong la hire ( richard ridings ) . though all those actor perform well , their characters are nothing more than symbols -- banners that proclaim the glory of france . and thus , there is no sense of realism in this film . 'the messenger' has muscles instead of brains . there is some relief in the end , where besson lays down his armor and starts thinking . dustin hoffman's appearance helps and the film ends elegantly and surprisingly effective with a climax worthy of praise . jeanne's character is unlocked , but whether god was in the picture or not , is never quite explained . was she a confused peasant girl driven by her own hunger for revenge ? or was she truly a messenger of god ? the film poses as many questions as answers and nothing is completely obvious . bess o messenger' is nothing more than a fairly good film . it is not much that you remember of it after you leave the theater . maybe the sound , the dreamy sequences , but certainly not the dialogue . it is an elegant and adrenaline pumping history lesson for the mtv-generation , that although presents some interesting material , works better when it's on the battlefield . i'm not quite sure what to say about mars attacks ! , which is obviously the work of a deranged genius . when tim burton's twisted alien invasion comedy really works , it's breathtaking and hilarious in equal measure . and when it doesn't work , it's just dull . i'm not even sure it works more often than it doesn't , but where it counts -- that is , when this gleefully evil invading force from the red planet gets down to the business of blasting us to kingdom come -- mars attacks ! is brilliant . mars attacks ! is based on a rather unsavory series of trading cards released by topps in the 1950s , and it takes its cues from the same sources as this summer's independence day -- old alien invasion flicks , disaster movies , and big-budget special effects extravaganzas . but unlike independence day , which was a painfully middle-of-the-road appeal to the hearts , minds and wallets of america , mars attacks ! has a fully developed and very personal sense of wonder about it . the big difference is that while independence day celebrated the resilience of human beings , mars attacks ! portrays us as the greedy and hapless schmucks that we are . the title sequence is just splendid -- an incredible swarm of flying saucers rises out of the canals of the red planet and then storms earthward through the solar system in formation . the spinning metal saucers are dead ringers for the invading forces of movies past , and their first appearance on the big screen in combination with danny elfman's thundering , theremin-driven score is absolutely jaw-dropping . it's so overwhelming that , i swear to you , i had trouble breathing . the movie lays low for the next 40 minutes . we get a glimpse of the alien leader , resplendent in a purple-sequined cape , when a television message is broadcast to the people of the world -- naturally , the only way to communicate with earthlings is to preempt our regularly scheduled programming . but mostly , the first act is spent developing characters , setting up mildly comic situations , and drawing a quirky but dishearteningly drab picture of america according to tim burton . it's a good thing that the most compelling personality in the movie belongs to the aliens , because burton's just not interested in making more than caricatures out of his human stars . anyone who comes to mars attacks ! expecting to see a lot of one favorite actor is bound to be disappointed -- with few exceptions , these characters are dispatched as the film progresses . jack nicholson is a lot of fun as the president of the united states but fizzles as a sleazy las vegas hotel developer . rod steiger does an amusing enough take on dr . strangelove's buck turgidson , glenn close brings some star power to the role of the first lady , and martin short is a presidential aide who meets the martians in the white house's " kennedy room , " a secluded nook where he unwittingly tries to seduce an alien dressed up as a big-haired , pointy-breasted sexpot ( lisa marie , the burton flame who played vampira in ed wood ) -- in an earlier scene , it's made clear that the aliens studied human sexuality in the pages of an old issue of playboy . sarah jessica parker hosts her own tv show and michael j . fox is her newsman husband . the octogenarian sylvia sidney has a funny part as the old woman who cackles , " they blew up congress ! " and plays a decisive role in the defeat of the alien menace . jim brown and tom jones are the film's vegas-based heroes , and director barbet schroeder ( reversal of fortune ) has a funny cameo as the unfortunate french president . also on hand and underutilized are annette bening , pierce brosnan , pam grier , lukas haas and natalie portman ( the latter two also show up in woody allen's everyone says i love you ) . the real stars , of course , are the computer-generated martians , and they're fantastic . with bare brains glistening atop their grinning skull-faces , round egg-eyes with red pupils darting this way and that , these animated invaders are malevolence incarnate -- joe dante's gremlins are the closest equivalent in recent memory , but burton's little monsters are more inventive . the film's raison d'etre are the scenes of crimes against mankind -- the most famous monuments of the world crumble under the alien assault , easter island is turned into a bowling alley , and the nasty little buggers perform hideous medical experiments on captured humans . the sheer level of mayhem is staggering , especially when the aliens make their first attack , blasting human beings into iridescent skeletons . parents are urged to pay special attention to the pg-13 rating -- it's earned . the special effects vary from charming to astonishing to deliciously cheesy , and at least a couple of shots of mass destruction seem to have been engineered specifically in response to independence day , although mars attacks ! was in production long before that film's release . cinematographer peter suschitzky , who makes the most of wynn thomas's wildly imaginative production design ( thomas helped define the spike lee style ) , actually took time off from his mars attacks ! regimen to shoot crash for david cronenberg . cronenberg's movie will almost certainly be more somber -- it won't be released in the u . s . until early next year -- but mars attacks ! is surely a similarly elegant nightmare . this is not a nice movie . ( and which studio executive was duped into giving burton $70 million to make it ? ) by setting the film's final scenes in the nearly empty , holocaust-ravaged america that independence day conveniently avoided , burton's invasion epic suggests that the world we've got may not be worth saving until many of the people on it are dead . the victims of his invasion are naive , greedy , or disastrously self-absorbed -- and a good thing , too , since the movie's wicked charm is dependent on our ability to take this invasion partly as a wish-fulfillment fantasy . the surviving cast members are the innocents and the entertainers , who triumph by determining that the alien invaders -- the ultimate elitists -- are actually susceptible to the kitschiest strains of american pop culture . ultimately , this messy masterpiece is the year's funniest comedy and a weird , winking affirmation of the power of the people . capsule : trippy , hyperspeed action machine from hong kong's accomplished tsui hark . van damme and rodman have nice chemistry , the stunts are eyepopping , and stuff gets blowed up real good ; what more do you want ? i admit i was all set to loathe double team ; it reeked of cheapjack timing-oriented marketing ( stick dennis rodman in a movie , quick , while he's hot , and do something about jean-claude van damme's flagging career while we're at it ! ) . surprise -- double team transcends its dumb roots and turns out to be a mess of fun . bring some friends , get some pretzels , and have a blast . van damme is jack quinn , an ex-agent who is brought back in for " one last mission " -- you'd think any spy worth his shoe phone would run like hell when he hears those words . but van damme's character has a pregnant wife who's also a sculptor , and some unpleasant pressure gets used to get him to come through on this mission . he's been assigned to take down an old enemy , a terrorist named stavros ( mickey rourke , looking oddly subdued ) , who may be back up to his old tricks . in the first showdown between quinn and stavros , the movie wears its ambitions proudly on its sleeve : nonstop action . an amusement park , a hospital , a private " retired spy " 's retreat , most of rome , various houses , planes , cars and other modes of transport , and the coliseum ( ! ) all become arenas for some of the most bone-rattling shoot-outs and punch-outs filmed . they are better seen than described and are reason enough to see the film : one jaw-dropping scene has van damme taking on a man who uses a switchblade with his * feet * . ( van damme is a good , dextrous athlete and fighter , but he is often upstaged . ) there are other nice touches . stavros and quinn both want the same thing : to retire in peace with their families . that ambition ties them together in various ways , and also humanizes them a bit . one of the things about hk action movies is that there's always some form of human element , and that's carried over into this movie as well . it gives weight to scenes that would otherwise be forgettable . also good is dennis rodman , playing a weapons dealer named yaz -- a character who sticks out like a fistful of broken fingers and who is funny just standing there . rodman is natural on screen ; he's fun to watch , especially when slinging bad guys like basketballs , and deserves to get a movie of his own , based on what's seen here : a lightweight , fast-moving entertainment that showcases all of its pieces excellently . the heartbreak kid ( reviewed on aug . 26th/1998 ) starring charles grodin , cybill sheppard , eddie albert in " the heartbreak kid " , charles grodin plays one of the most unbelievably obnoxious characters i've seen on screen in a long time . he's a guy who spends virtually the entire running time of the movie bullshitting his way from one situation to another . i doubt he ever expressed any genuine feeling at all during the film . as the film opens , he has just gotten married , and is on the way to miami beach for his honeymoon . halfway there , he begins to resent his bride . by the time he arrives at his hotel and has met the cybill sheppard character , he is ready to divorce his wife . as played by grodin , this character is the type of person that nothing will ever be good enough for him . the phrase " the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence " was practically written with him in mind . however , if he finds something he really wants , he will pursue it for as long as it takes . the only problem is , once he has it , he immediately loses interest . the end of " the heartbreak kid " is both hilarious and sad for that very reason . charles grodin is at his smarmy best here , and sheppard is quite appealing as the object of grodin's desire . however , the real scene stealer is jeannie berlin , daughter of director elaine may , as grodin's whiny bride . she owns every scene that she's in , and makes you almost want to root for what the grodin character is trying to do . " the heartbreak kid " was written by neil simon and it shows . simon loves to deconstruct and analyze human relationships , and he's at the top of his game here . as maddeningly obnoxious as the grodin character is , he's the type of guy that everyone knows . the character of george costanza on " seinfeld " seems to have been modelled after him . the only problem with the film is that it's not that funny , and it's billed as a comedy . as much as i could see the realism in the characters , it would have been nice to have a chuckle here and there . " the heartbreak kid " is not a date movie . it has an extremely negative view of relationships , so seeing it with a girlfriend/boyfriend , could be hazardus to your health . it's a curious thing - i've found that when willis is not called on to carry the whole movie , he's much better and so is the movie . even though , in the sixth sense he is the " name " , he doesn't have the pivotal role . that honour goes to haley osment who plays cole sear ( cute pun , seer ) a 9 year old boy who can see ghosts . if osment was cute or precious , the director going for the maudlin , this would be nothing more than a movie-of-the-week , thankfully , osment is not only better than that , but in some instances , blows everyone else off the screen in a bravura performance . we get to see his fears , vulnerabilities , strengths and intelligence which makes the sixth sense one of the best movies i've seen this year . the whole cast matches him in quality , with willis giving a fairly low key performance that matches the subject matter . one thing about this movie , its target . this isn't a sfxfest like the haunting or a gorefest , this is more what i'd call a supernatural drama , more interested in characters than in dazzling you with makeup . one caveat : there's a lovely twist in the movie , something like the usual suspects , where you end up replaying the movie in your head rethinking what you have just seen . i was extremely lucky to see it as a sneak preview in toronto , before any hype or critical reviews were out , so i went in with no biases . if anyone want to talk to about the movie before you see it , don't let them . let the director explain on his own pace and you'll enjoy the movie vastly more . i'll be the first to admit i didn't expect much from the emperor's new groove : more celine dion-esque song-and-dance numbers , cuddly characters that become cross-promotion devices in mcdonald's happy meals , and hollywood stars trying to gain credibility by adding a voice-over job to their resume . i was dead wrong about all of those things . the emperor's new groove is funny . damn funny . and the cute characters in the film are the dangerous ones . the script is fast and furious , with no singing and dancing . the animation is clean and would give walt a warm feeling all over . the humor is dry and aimed at both the cynicism and the goodness in all of us . the story is ridiculously weird and comes off as a strange acid trip involving talking , cross-dressing llamas and schizophrenia . here's the plot ; try to follow along . set in a mythical kingdom , the film follows the adventures of kuzco ( david spade ) , an arrogant and egocentric emperor . when kuzco fires his power-hungry advisor , yzma ( eartha kitt ) , she and her " assistant " kronk ( seinfeld's patrick warburton ) change him into a llama . kuzco then gets stranded in the jungle and must rely on pacha ( john goodman ) , a llama-herder whose home was to be replaced by kuzco's water world theme park , to save him . then the fun starts . for the next sixty minutes , the audience is treated to something unheard of in disney films these days : imagination . yzma , voiced by the talented singer eartha kitt , looks like a cross between norma desmond , joan crawford , and a really old vegas showgirl . the dialogue between her and her oblivious assistant kronk is quick , sharp , and feels like an episode of seinfeld ( which would make sense ) . david spade and john goodman's character interactions make you feel like you're watching an old hope/crosby film . spade is beyond dry with his humor and shoots below the belt on several occasions , and i laughed out loud several times . needless to say , that is an extremely rare thing in disney screenings these days . the best part about the emperor's new groove is how audacious the film is . the sheer weirdness factor is very high . cross-dressing , schizophrenia , duality of soul , people being turned into every animal on noah's boat , llama cpr , homoerotic tendencies , an emperor with his own theme song and singer , michael jackson dance moves , and a guy that can communicate with a squirrel are only a few of the oddities that make the film a true orginal . simply put , the emperor's new groove is one of the best children's films out for this holiday season . kids will enjoy the adventures , and parents will enjoy the story and dialogue . that's a tough thing to pull off in a single package , but this emperor manages to do it . before even seeing a single frame of the film , it would be easy to snicker at deep impact , in which a comet on a collision course with earth threatens the existence of all life on the planet . it is the latest entry in this decade's dubious revival of the '70s disaster film , and the first of two " the sky is falling " flicks to hit screens this year ( the other being this coming july's armageddon , in which a meteor is the threat ) . its tagline , " oceans rise . cities fall . hope survives " is not as cornball as that of the utterly ridiculous collapsing tunnel thriller daylight ( " they came in alone . . . the only way out . . . is together " ) , but it's every bit as treacly . the opening moments of deep impact offer more to snicker at . the cheesiness is not confined to the disaster movie conventions , such as the usual opening " roll call , " in which all the major characters and their personal problems are introduced . the most prominent of the " personal " stories is that of ambitious tv news reporter jenny lerner ( tea leoni ) , who is distraught that her father ( maximilian schell ) left her mother ( vanessa redgrave ) for a younger woman ( rya kihlstedt ) . what is just as snicker-worthy is how this co-venture between paramount and dreamworks skg aggressively pushes another high-profile corporate collaboration , microsoft and nbc's cable news network msnbc , which employs jenny , who is the film's ostensible main character . in the vision of america presented here , msnbc is the television news source of choice in every home , when in reality it only reaches a fraction of the country . the initial signs point toward something along the lines of a volcano or dante's peak , but there's one thing about deep impact i underestimated : the skills of director mimi leder . she won an emmy for her helming work on nbc's smash er , which is essentially a weekly disaster movie , each episode featuring a new set of guest stars with their own personal and medical crises . the challenge presented by this format to the director is twofold : ( 1 ) to make the audience care for these guest characters , regardless of how briefly seen or thinly written they are , and ( 2 ) powerfully tug at the emotions without being heavy-handed or overly melodramatic . having passed the " er challenge " in numerous episodes and showed a flair for creating suspense in the peacemaker , leder could not be a better fit to bring michael tolkin and bruce joel rubin's rather formulaic disaster screenplay to screen . as the countdown to impact progresses , the ominous feeling of doom is palpable , leading the final act to take on a surprisingly convincing and affecting emotional dimension . there's nothing here that will profoundly move anyone , but the fact that anything manages to touch the heart is high achievement in a genre generally more concerned with effects . situations that initially feel contrived , such as jenny's familial crisis and the teenage romance between sarah hotchner ( leelee sobieski ) and comet discoverer leo biederman ( elijah wood ) , achieve some poignance ; and even the more vaguely drawn characters , including u . s . president tom beck ( morgan freeman ) , astronaut spurgeon " fish " tanner ( robert duvall ) , and his rather faceless crew ( ron eldard , jon favreau , mary mccormack , blair underwood , and alexander baluyev ) aboard the comet-bombing spacecraft messiah , have their share of touching moments . the latter fact owes a debt to the actors , who all do a solid job and are well-cast , with the possible exception of leoni ; she delivers a decent performance , but her trademark unconventional speech rhythms and line delivery make her somewhat hard to buy as a star news broadcaster . although its catastrophic theme and impressive special effects work ( the giant ocean waves are particularly spectacular ) place deep impact in the same category as the likes of twister , it is the first of the '90s disaster films to successfully marry the advanced film technology with emotions that ring true--a film that makes a genuine impact , even if it isn't as deep as hoped . the heist of a flawless , 84 carat diamond , fixed bare knuckle fights , irish gypsies and a dog are just some of the goings on in director guy ritchies's sophomore feature , " snatch . " " lock , stock and two smoking barrels " intro'd helmer/scripter ritchie with a hyper-kinetic , in your face underworld comedy that grabbed the viewer's attention from beginning to end . his protagonists were innocents set adrift in a see of sharks to swim or be eaten alive . with " snatch , " the director doesn't remake his first work , but he does delve more deeply into the criminal underbelly of london , mining a rich collection of characters in the process . >from the very beginning , " snatch " tosses you into the action with the theft of the fabulous diamond , the desire of new york gangster avi ( dennis farina ) . en route from antwerp , diamond thief and courier frankie four fingers ( benicio del toro ) stops in london to make a separate deal with avi's partner and cousin , doug " the head " ( mike reid ) . frankie's addiction to gambling tempts him into making a bet on an illegal boxing match for boris " the blade " ( rade sherbedgia ) , a ruthless russian mobster . the bet turns out to be a setup for a robbery by a trio of bumbling incompetents - vinnie ( robbie gee ) , sol ( lennie james ) and portly tyrone ( ade ) - that goes miserably awry . meanwhile , a couple of young toughs , turkish ( jason stratham ) and tommy ( stephen graham ) , are trying to break in to the boxing game with the help of local villain brick top ( alan ford ) , who also owns a pig farm . when their first fighter is put out of action , with one punch , by a wild irish gypsy named mickey o'neil , they figure to put the loose canon in as the contender in a fixed fight . mickey proves less than reliable and goes against turkish and tommy's deal . brick top , impressed by mickey's performance , decides to gives them another chance - after calmly explaining that it takes 16 pigs about eight minutes to completely devour a corpse . when avi doesn't get his precious rock , he jumps on a plane for london and hires a local legend , " bullet tooth " tony ( vinnie jones ) , to find frankie and the diamond . things spiral out of control as all these forces head on a collision course of double-cross and double-deals - and a dog that ate a squeaky toy . guy ritchie ( mr . madonna to some ) is an extraordinarily talented auteur who has a wonderful knack for pulling together his unique collection of cast and crew and feeding them funny and gritty dialog that spews out of the characters' mouths like machine gun fire . the helmer marshals his large ensemble actors in a frantically paced caper comedy that makes you laugh and feel queasy at the same time , the above description by brick top being just one example . the assemblage of actors and non-actors in rough-and-tumble settings gives " snatch " an earthy feel in its depiction of london's criminal underworld . the cast of characters is too large to credit here , but two of the performances - first among equals , you might say - are worth noting . alan ford is brilliant as the ruthless , evil brick top . when he refuses sugar in his tea because " i'm sweet enough , " it makes you shiver , even as you laugh . his is one of the best gangster characters i've seen in years . the other outstanding perf is given by none other than brad pitt , the name actor the movie's popularity may hang upon , at least initially . pitt , as mickey o'neil , is hard drinking , hard fighting , highly unreliable and nearly incomprehensible with a unique irish brogue and dialect of the pikers , the irish travelers of europe . this gypsy brigand would steal the fillings from your teeth , especially if it would benefit his beloved mum ( sorcha cusack ) . when brick top threaten the safety of mickey's family , he makes an enemy that cannot be stopped . pitt puts a credible spin on his character and does some incredible physical stuff , too , as a bare-knuckle boxer . the production team behind the camera includes ritchie alumni , producer matthew vaughn and lenser tim maurice-jones , and other talented technical artist that bring the hyperactive imagination of the author to visual life . there is a patent feel to the look of " snatch " and " lock , stock and two smoking barrels " that reeks of " signature " for ritchie , but i'm not sure how this will translate in his future works . there is so much talent in the filmmaker that i would like to see him branch out in other directions . nonetheless , " snatch " is terrific sophomore effort , a darn good action comedy and a hoot to boot . i give it a b+ . tbwp is probably the single most profitable film ever . not surprising , considering its tiny us$100 , 000 budget , to date it has earned in excess of us$130 million . that's a shocking 100 times profit ! rumours have it that a smart internet `marketing' ploy was so successful in gaining cult-like fanatics , by word of mouth coupled with strings of excellent reviews , the film just exploded in the box-office , raking in millions on its opening weekend . shot in 16mm and video ( i suspect . ) , the film chronicles the forays of 3 students who go in search for the legendary blair witch . audiences are put in the first-person perspective in the entire mis-adventure , often wobbly and blurry at times , it takes a bit of getting used to in the beginning . this is supposed to be the material they discovered in the woods where the 3 disappeared ; edited and put onto the screen for the benefit of our audiences . tbwp is simply smart . filmed to look as if it was really a stock-shoot by a bunch of students in search of the blair witch as a school project , one may suspect ( like yours truly ) that its simply a lazy but smart approach to film-making . simply amazing in that respect , i must say . talk about impact , oh yes , tbwp does have quite a bit , in fact most audience will find it deeply disturbing . i did , especially the last bit but i'm not revealing more . you have to see it for yourself . i can't help but feel a tad cheated after knowing how commercially successful this film has become . could it be that finally , an indie-film has unwittingly found a formula for commercial appeal ? or was it all simply a ploy by the big players right from the beginning ? well , i guess the fact stays ; tbwp is highly original , clever and will most definitely leave most with something dreadful to talk and think about for weeks prior to watching this film . no gore , no special effects , i just can't get over how terribly smart this film is ! i am starting to write this review before going to see strawberry and chocolate , cuba's oscar nominee for best foreign film , directed by tomas gutierrez alea ( who also directed the sometimes and in some circles critically acclaimed memorias del subdesarrollo-- " memories of underdevelopment " . i saw memorias as part of a cuban cinema class back in the late '70s ; it merged the politics of the cuban revolution with mundane elements of the human condition . i knew then that memorias was probably a state-sanctioned political missive , and now expect strawberry will follow suit . fellow internetters , primarily in the newsgroup dedicated to cuba ( soc . culture . cuba ) , have mentioned that strawberry is a harsh criticism of the revolution and its current state of affairs . i have jumped to the conclusion that strawberry is nothing more than a veiled attempt at espousing the party line--it probably looks like political criticism , but it ain't so . having some first hand and extensive anecdotal knowledge of castro's repressiveness , i can't conceive of his tolerating honest and adversarial criticism of the revolution , and i can't imagine his letting anyone even suggest his failure as a leader of a failed movement . as kids say these days , duh ! , the revolution's current state needs no criticism ; its physical and spiritual crumbling is self evident . the proper questions to put relate to castro's legitimacy . i bet the film takes castro's power for granted , and that this or any other movie , produced under cuba's state control , cannot question his right to run cuba's political show ( ongoing now for more than 36 years ) . that's why i just can't believe strawberry is an honest criticism of the regime . let's see what happens after the room goes dark and the screen lights up . i saw the film--twice . i was right ; castro remained intact . strawberry negotiates the relationship between a young " dialectic materialist , " as he describes himself , and a homosexual photographer ( diego ) in 1979 cuba . the young man ( david ) is the son of peasants ; a symbol of the revolution's reason for being . grateful to the revolution for the opportunity to receive a university education , he studies political science instead of literature , his avocation , because he perceives it is his duty . therein lies a likely unintended irony , since cuba has no need for political theoreticians . cuba's government is castro . diego's lifestyle is the antithesis of revolutionary life . he enjoys the finer things--tea , opera , art . he does not do " voluntary work " for the revolution . his small apartment is a sensual oasis . the moniker " bourgeois " figuratively hangs over his head during the early parts of the movie . however , he is a " revolucionario " in his own way . the supporting roles are filled by : an aging busybody with a heart of gold and a troubled psyche ; david's roommate , who rally takes the communist party line to its expected extreme ; david's ex-girlfriend , who dumped him for another guy , yet wants to bed him before she leaves for italy with her husband ; german , a gay sculptor whose work diego is attempting to exhibit , and who strikes a faustian pact with the government . gutierrez alea and co-director juan carlos tabio do a fine job at almost showing that homosexuals can be revolutionaries too . heck , towards the end of the film you begin to think the guy deserves a medal for his patriotic fervor . he really loves the revolution ( as supposedly does everybody else in cuba ) and wants to make it better by exposing and correcting some of its flaws . real criticism is missing though . this movie is political window dressing . luis aguilar leon's op . ed . piece on fresa in the miami herald ( 10 march 1995 , at 21a ) did not color my judgment ; it presaged my intuition . aguilar leon expressed my sentiment about this film's political angle best : like many artistic manifestations in cuba , strawberry and chocolate sprang from a totally manipulated environment . as art critic ivan de la nuez well states in the latest issue of the magazine postmodern notes , the silenced artists are those who refuse to accept " the charade in which artists can provoke up to a point , while the institutions legitimize themselves by forbidding them to go beyond that point . " although terrible propaganda , this is otherwise a fine film . capsule : this is a 1950s or 1960s style heist film , set in the present . robert deniro stars as a risk-adverse safecracker who wants to retire form crime but takes one last job at the request of a personal friend ( played by marlon brando ) . edward norton plays a hotshot young sharpster who is also in on the crime . the plot is mostly straightforward suspense with little nonsense . , +2 ( -4 to +4 ) i am sure i must have seen almost the identical plot before . this is a heist film made for an adult audience who probably wanted a crime film like they had seen in theaters when they were teens . there are no superhuman acrobats taking nosedives off of buildings like in entrapment . there is no rock score . there are no ballet- like martial arts . this is just a basic heist film with a decent and distinctly credible and un-flashy script . nick ( played by robert deniro ) is a safecracker who has managed to be successful by never taking risks . if a job is not a safe bet ( pun intended ) , he backs out . sometimes even the safe bets turn out not to be so safe . when one job very nearly goes wrong nick is unnerved enough to decide that it is nature telling him that it is time to get out of the game . he returns to his home in montreal where he owns a jazz club , and decides to manage it full time . he proposes to his girl friend diane ( angela bassett ) . she has one condition . he must stay retired from crime . but before the deal can be cemented , max , a montreal kingpin and personal friend , has one last supposedly easy job for nick . nick wants no part particularly because the heist will be right in his hometown of montreal . more and more details seem to complicate the job . nick's partner in the crime is to be a smart , but uncontrollable young crook , jack ( edward norton ) . jack treats a locked front door like a welcome mat , even at his associates' homes . the young crook is a know-it-all who seems good at everything he does but at avoiding rubbing people the wrong way . together they plan to steal a priceless historic artifact from the montreal customs house . the script by kario salem , lem dobbs , and scott marshall smith works like an episode of the old " mission impossible " television series . we see pieces of the heist being put together , last minute changes , and things that go wrong , much like a good episode of " mission impossible . " this team might not be bad choices to write scripts for the tom cruise " mission impossible " films . the complications are , however no more and no fewer than are needed to make the story believable . the telling is cold and noirish , which is just what it is supposed to be . director frank oz , the voices of yoda and miss piggy proves surprisingly good at directing a serious crime film . the score has a more than adequate cast with little flashy or scene-stealing acting . edward norton probably has the flashiest role and even that is low-key by today's standards . he plays what is nearly a double role . jack pretends to be a brain damage victim to be hired for a job in the customs house . one nice ( ? ) character i have not mentioned is stephen ( jamie harrold ) . stephen is a master hacker who lives in his mother's basement in a house with a lot of screaming in both directions . he seems like the last person the risk adverse nick would want to depend upon . the film itself remains low-key up until the time of the climactic heist . then the pace really picks up . before that the plot even stops twice for jazz interludes . though oz never lets the music steal time from the story the way woody allen does in sweet and lowdown . on the subject of music , the score of the score is by howard shore . it adds tension to the suspense scenes , but never seems to have much of a melody . angela bassett is the one misused celebrity in a totally minor role that should have been played by a less famous actress who needed a break . she has nothing to do in the film but demand that nick give up crime and to look like an attractive reward if he does . speaking of being attractive the score seems to be attracting an older audience who learned to appreciate much the same sort of film in the 1950s and 1960s . it does the job . i rate it a 7 on the 0 to 10 scale and a +2 on the -4 to +4 scale . don't let the following quirks of this review , fool you into believing that this movie is anything short of an ultimate labour of love . but one can see the humour of roberto benigni when you see that ? life is beautiful , even though i'm a short , ugly looking man with an obnoxious laugh . life is beautiful even though i haven't amounted to much in life , except working out the finer intricacies of waitering . i'm a lucky sort of a guy , especially when a beautiful woman strips away my venner of superficiality to find a new age , sensitive guy with the biggest heart in the entire world underneath - life is beautiful ! i'm a jew , but life can still be beautiful . the nazis put me in a concentration camp , but life is still beautiful . i love my son very much and that's what matters , and that's what makes life beautiful . my ability to entertain somehow convinces my son that living in a concentration camp is somewhat beautiful ? i get shot for my efforts and the woman i love , but hey that's life and that's still a beautiful thing - so by jove don't give me any crap about it ! by far the movie with the biggest heart this decade and well deserves every nomination and award that it has achieved . well done , there should be more film directors and actors like you roberto benigni . getting it right is a far far cry from the teenage sex comedy you might expect from a summer movie about male virginity . the film was directed by randal kleiser , who brought us such bubble-gum classics as grease and the blue lagoon . but thanks to kleiser's surprisingly good direction and an intelligent script , getting it right is a pleasantly quiet , moving , and memorable film--one geared strictly toward a sophisticated , adult audience . getting it right stars jesse birdsall ( emily lloyd's boyfriend in wish you were here ) as gavin , a painfully shy 31-year-old hairdresser who lives at home with his parents and who--gasp--is still a virgin . gavin has no problem whatsoever making small talk with the elderly women who clamor for his services at the hair salon , but expose him to a single 30-year-old beauty and he's a mess . much to gavin's surprise , the woman who finally brings him out of his shell and robs him of his virginity is joan ( lynn redgrave ) , a rich , married , and lonely 45-year-old . getting it right is the simple story of gavin's awkward and haphazard efforts to get it right ; that is , to find the right woman to fulfill his life . getting it right is one of those rare movies that devotes itself entirely to in-depth character development . gavin's self-conscious voice-over narration of his experiences firmly thrusts us into his psyche . we observe his fascinating metamorphosis from shy and passive introversion to assertive and self-confident maturity . birdsall's superb , understated performance as gavin is the real backbone of the film ; he seems convincing and authentic throughout . the charm of getting it right also lies in the wide array of people who inhabit or invade gavin's life . despite her limited screen time , redgrave makes quite a splash in the movie as gavin's middle-aged seducer . for a supporting character , joan is unusually and impressively complex , thanks in large part to redgrave's magnificent performance . gavin is also pursued , or perhaps plagued , by minnie , the totally neurotic daughter of a rich aristocrat . after minnie and gavin meet at a party , she takes great pleasure in disrupting his safe and simple life . helena bonham carter is delightfully pathetic and kooky in the role , and sir john gielgud , with his tongue in his cheek , embodies the height of arrogance as her father . gavin's eventual love-interest is jenny , the adorable twenty-year-old single mother who assists him at the beauty salon ; london stage actress jane horrocks' fine performance yields a touchingly sweet character . peter cook , the great british satirist , appears briefly in the film as gavin's uptight employer . the scenes of gavin's home life with his parents are also a treat . gavin's over-protective mother ( pat heywood ) , whom even woody allen would find overbearing , almost steals the movie . her life seems limited to just two activities : treating gavin like a 10-year-old and preparing exotic but inedible meals , such as scalding hot curry and baked chicken with chocolate sauce . gavin and his father's attempts to avoid eating her meals are extremely amusing . getting it right , for the most part , is very well-crafted , except for two minor shortcomings . first , the movie is about 15 minutes too long , and consequently it loses momentum at times . second , the film includes an altogether extraneous subplot about the domestic problems between gavin's best friend , harry , and his unfaithful lover , winthrop . overall , however , getting it right is quite memorable for its humor , depth , sophistication , and outstanding acting . director kleiser and screenwriter elizabeth jane howard ( adapting her own highly acclaimed novel ) deserve praise for finding just the right tone for this tale of growth , maturation , and self-discovery . no matter what you suspect , this isn't your usual action thriller . the usual suspects is an intelligent crime mystery story from up-and-coming director bryan singer . it's one of those movies that , after everything is revealed rapid-fire at the end , you immediately want to rewind and watch again because earlier scenes take on a new light . plot twists a-go-go are what you get here -- i gave up trying to figure out the mystery of keyser soze after awhile and just sat back and waited for them to reveal it to me . keyser soze is a name you'll hear at least a hundred times if you watch the usual suspects and for good reason . it's not only the name of the mysterious ( and possibly even mythical ) crime boss in the movie , it also sums up the movie -- " keyser soze " in latin means " an intelligent crime mystery story from up-and-coming director bryan singer . " or maybe i shouldn't have bought a foreign-language dictionary from the same company that makes those 99-cent encyclopedias sold in supermarkets . at the movie's opening , a group of known criminals are brought in for a police lineup , including mcmanus ( stephen baldwin ) , keaton ( gabriel byrne ) , fenster ( benicio del toro ) , buckney ( kevin pollack ) and verbal ( kevin spacey , winner of the best supporting actor academy award{symbol 153 \ f " times new roman " \ s 10 \ h} for his performance in the movie ) . verbal is so-named because he frequently rambles on about anything or nothing . he also earns his name as the movie's narrator , spouting memorable lines like " the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist " ( although , obviously , he does exist -- what else could explain kris kross having a comeback in 1996 ? ) while being interrogated by police detective chazz palminteri ( any actor with multiple z's in their name is okay in my book ) . we see the story unfold as spacey retells it . the five felons , upon being released from the lineup , get their revenge on the police by exposing a corrupt taxi service -- whereby elite criminals pay to be smuggled through town in cop cars -- and stealing all the money and drugs in the car . it's a definite case of male bonding for the five criminals , who later find out they were brought together by the unseen keyser soze , who sends a minion to them with an offer they can't refuse . namely , they have to destroy soze's main competitors in organized crime by infiltrating a ship , shooting a bunch of people , burning all the drugs and stealing $91 million cash . spacey does a terrific job of bringing his seemingly unintelligent " cripple " character to life and baldwin , byrne , palminteri and the rest make for a good supporting cast . the usual suspects is one of those movies that deftly mixes scenes of violence and explosions with an underlying sense of mystery and suspense , keeping the viewer guessing until the very end -- and then still leaving a few details open for scrutiny and discussion . i suppose all that would be cleared up if i really had rewound the movie and watched it again instead of changing the channel and wondering in disbelief what the hell kris kross was doing on mtv . a different mystery , i guess , which may turn into a _murder_ mystery if that video ever comes on again . . . " dangerous beauty " is a really nothing more than a grandiose soap opera set in venice circa 1583 . it is beautifully filmed , wonderfully acted , and certainly nothing short of entertaining , but it lacks any true fundamental seriousness . dealing with themes of forbidden love , religious intolerance , subordination of women , sexual freedom , and the roles of pleasure and sin in a high-cultured society , it still feels like brightly lit fluff . the director , marshall herskovitz , doesn't want to follow the dark and dangerous trail this story could lead down , so he opts for a more genial , livelier , and relatively shallow interpretation . the film takes place during the renaissance , a time when venice was the pleasure capital of europe . at this time , venice was its own republic , and it thrived on being the central juncture of east-west commerce . the film is told almost entirely through the viewpoint of the aristocracy and the bourgeoisie of venice , so we rarely get to see how the rest of the society lived . however , there is an abundance of detail concerning the lives and livelihoods of the upper classes , their hedonistic lifestyles and constant merriment . the story centers on veronica franco ( catherine mccormack ) , a lower class woman who falls in love with marco venier ( rufus sewell ) , the son of wealthy aristocratic parents ( jeroen krabb ? and joanna cassidy ) . unfortunately , the culture of that time period did not view marriage as an act of love -- rather , it was more like a business transaction , where rich families married their sons and daughters to each other in order to secure power , wealth , and ensure that outsiders couldn't get in . veronica , despite her charm and good looks , is certainly an outsider . after a short love affair , marco breaks her heart with the news that he cannot marry her . however , because she is beautiful and intelligent , veronica has a chance to enter marco's world , albeit not as his wife . she decides to become a courtesan -- a class of women who were as well-educated as they were ravishing , and sold their sexuality to wealthy men for the privilege of wining and dining with the elite . a courtesan was not a mere prostitute ; they were afforded a special place in society , and they were greatly revered , respected , and often envied . at one point , a character mentions that some rulers obtain more political advice from their courtesans than from their lieutenants . veronica goes through the transformation with the help of her mother , paola ( jacqueline bisset ) , who was once a famed courtesan herself . once she enters the lifestyle , veronica finds that it suits her quite well . she is allowed to read all the books she wants , she is given the opportunity to publish her poetry , and she has the richest and most powerful men in the republic throwing themselves at her feet , including the awestruck marco . their relationship develops into a playful bantering , with veronica utilizing her newfound power by constantly rejecting marco's advances . in many ways , their relationship is sad because marco is married to a women he is unable to love , and veronica is consumed by multiple relationships with men she is unwilling to love . " love the love , not the man , " as her mother told her . " dangerous beauty , " which was based on a factual book by margaret rosenthal , flows along as smoothly and serenely as the grand canal running through the heart of venice . it has multiple plot lines -- including veronica's adversarial relationship with a court poet ( oliver platt ) , her role in obtaining france's military assistance in venice's battle against the turks , and even the dreaded shadow of the plague and the encroachment of the spanish inquisition -- yet it is never confusing or overbearing . much of the film's success is due to the glowing performance by catherine mccormack in the lead role . known chiefly for the small part she played as the lover whose murder raised mel gibson's ire in " braveheart " ( 1995 ) , mccormack shows the true gifts and inarguable talent of a leading lady . she has the kind of exquisite classical beauty that would be treasured in a courtesan ; her character is intelligent , witty , and both sensual and vulnerable , all of which mccormack easily transmits with a single flash of her eyes . the rest of the roles are also filled well , including rufus sewell whose performance here and earlier this month in " dark city " have assured him a solid place in hollywood . he has the same kind of unusual good looks and charm of ray liotta , and he seems perfectly at home in period dramas . oliver platt plays a variation of the comic relief role that he has come to inhabit like a second skin , although the film deals his character a cheap blow at the end by having him improbably join the inquisition and turn into the bad guy . platt is a good actor , but he's just too hard to hate . jacqueline bisset proves that she is every bit as stirring as she ever was , and even fred ward turns up in a small , but moving performance as marco's uncle . " dangerous beauty " is marshall herskovitz's sophomore directorial effort , after the overlooked 1993 film " jack the bear . " partnered with edward zwick , herskovitz has spent most of his time as a producer on television ( " thirtysomething , " " my so-called life " ) and in the movies ( " legends of the fall " ) . his directing style can be best described as transparent -- it never gets in the way of the story , yet it has no discernible flourish or particular distinctions . he could have approached the film in any number of ways , including overdosing on the sexual aspect , which he wisely avoids . " dangerous beauty " contains just enough bare flesh and ribald sex to make it appropriately erotic , but not so much that it seems exploitative . herskovitz is also aided by a strong supporting crew , including the luscious photography by bojan bazelli , whose previous efforts include the highly-stylized thriller " kalifornia " ( 1993 ) and abel ferrara's dark sci-fi film " body snatchers " ( 1994 ) . bazelli captures the film in strong , bold colors , and be brings sixteenth-century venice to life in wide , panoramic shots that are often enhanced with digital imagery . however , the real details are found in the production design by norman garwood ( " brazil , " " the princess bride " ) and the costumes by gabriella pescucci ( " the age of innocence " ) . the only problem with " dangerous beauty " is that it doesn't stick with you . it's a good story well-told with interesting characters , but it's easy to shrug off once you've left the theater . the only sequence that has the chance to be truly indelible is veronica being pulled in front of the hypocrisy of the inquisition and threatened with the death penalty for her transgressions , but it never quite comes off because it's simply too melodramatic and conventional . herskovitz tries with all his might to make it a nailbiter , but somehow its outcome is a foregone conclusion , and like the rest of the film , it carries no real weight , despite the potential severity of the subject matter . imagine this scenario : you and any of your family members are scudding through one of those long , excruciating cross-country car trips , far from the city and into the deserted rural routes . so far , the trip is idyllic when , abruptly , your car malfunctions and you are stranded in the middle of nowhere . it is not an easy situation , but a perfectly plausible one , the panorama in which breakdown musters it's throbbing suspense and skillfully executed tautness . it is not easy to cobble a distinct and gripping thriller nowadays , but breakdown doesn't bungle into rudimentary plot holes or cliches and it derives a masterful , titillating climax that by it's finale , engrosses a viewer with total absorption . the plot is somewhat reminiscent of 1988's the vanishing . kurt russell and kathleen quinlan respectively play jeff and amy taylor , a massachusetts couple en route to california for a brand new job . when they stop for gas somewhere in the arid southwest , jeff is confronted by a pugnacious driver , who later , will be an important player in the plot department . minutes later after that , their brand new , strikingly red , jeep grand cherokee unexpectedly stops . jeff cannot detect the car's problem , so he allows amy to take a ride with red ( j . t walsh ) , a heedful truck driver who will convey her to the nearest town , where jeff will meet her at a local diner . it is facile for the film to turn into a pseudo-suspenser , but instead it opts for maximum fervor . jeff manages to re-start the car himself , but when he arrives at the diner , she is nowhere in sight . disconcerted , the coffee shop's bartender informs jeff where to search for his wife , a town about twenty miles from here . there , trouble arises . and i shall not reveal anything else , since that would be spoiling the fun of what's head . there are many involving , tight scenes in breakdown but the final climactic period which includes a magnificent chase with three cars and a huge truck , will have you feeling as if your legs are made out of pure foam . it is a pleasure to be part of a classic confrontation of good vs evil , and rooting for the good guys , in this case jeff . kurt russell is one of the few top-notch hollywood actors which doesn't overblow his acting , and gradually gains reliance on his role as it progresses . so you can assume his alteration in breakdown is letter-perfect . suffice it is to say he undergoes a transformation , from a jolly man , to a guy frantically pursuing a loved one . not many well-paid actors can deliver these type of performances , but russell is one of them . as an everyday man , he pulls it off extremely convincingly , what also surprised me more was his rigorous physicality , which he effectively practices almost all throughout the films 93 minutes . although the film is blotted with a couple of portentous action sequences ( very well done ) yet the tightness is generated by the subtle circumstances this man is presented with . faced with an enigma about his wife's whereabouts , the movie succeeds by conveying us in realistic territory with veritable characters , including the cryptic villains , who in essence , make the movie what it is . what's most impressive however , is the feature debut by writer/director jonathan mostow . mostow , hitherto directed the showtime thriller flight of a black angle , alleviates the contrivances and generics of the script by gingerly pursuing the trajectory of the plot , efficiently letting the tone and the mood of the story generate that nail-biting suspense sought for in a well- made affair . contrary to most american thrillers , he doesn't rely on visual flair , but on aesthetics and substance . after breakdown , he should gain vast notoriety . the villains in the movie aren't your routine out-of-this-world idiosyncratic psychos that are harming for no particular objective . the baddies in breakdown , all well acted , are normal , seemingly inoffensive townspeople who beneath their trustworthy layer , conduct an amoral business of corruption and murder . the movie smartly portrays these men as loathsome rednecks , and , of all things in the world , it is becoming rather easy to root for villains ( jon voight in anaconda ) in today's movies . worth a special mentioning is j . t walsh ( who previously worked with kurt russell in executive decision ) as the leader of the gang , he renders a deliciously wicked performance , temporarily stepping out of the minor roles he is known for . alfred hitchcock used suspense--and action-- not only to stimulate , but as a way of aiding his audience's fascination in his stories , which were slowly realizing man's biggest fears . breakdown yields exactly that . it magnificently taps into the psyche of an ordinary man , acting like an ordinary man , looking like an ordinary and some sort of superhero . despite one or two iffy moments even hitchcock , i think , would approve of breakdown . ( 1 : 33 ) steve soderbergh's " sex , lies , and videotape , " which won the grand prize at the cannes film festival in 1989 , arguably began the resurgence of independent films . made on a shoestring budget of $1 . 2 million , with then relatively unknown actors , it is a provocative , thoroughly original drama . the film mostly focuses on the four central characters , all in their late 20's-early 30's . ann ( andie macdowell ) , an unfulfilled housewife , is married to john ( peter gallagher ) , an insensitive lawyer , who , unbeknownst to her , is having an affair with her younger sister , cynthia ( laura san giacomo ) . complicating matters even worse is graham ( james spader , who won best actor at cannes ) , john's old college buddy , who comes to stay at their house . ann is absolutely won over by him , even though she clearly has stated that she has very little interest in sex . that is the set-up for the last hour of the picture , and since the film is entitled , " sex , lies , and videotape , " it is best to keep the rest of the story developments at bay so that they will come as a genuine surprise . director steven soderbergh has proven to be a wildly offbeat filmmaker , ranging from the independent , to the mainstream ( 1998's " out of sight " ) , to the downright kafkaesque ( 1997's " schizopolis " ) . he is the type of director who obviously takes a lot of chances , and believes in the work that he does , and , " sex , lies , and videotape , " is probably his most confident , and maybe even best , to date . the performances are superb from all four leads , but macdowell stands out in what is probably the main character . she is always a very winning actress , but this is probably her most three-dimensional role that she has had ( with a close second being altman's 1993 mosaic , " short cuts " ) . the other parts are perfectly cast as well , from spader's ominous graham , to gallagher's self-involved john , to giacomo's outspoken cynthia . the final act of the film , especially , comes right out of left field , and turns out to be both shocking and oddly touching , and it would be criminal to give away the film's secrets . suffice to say that , through one powerful sequence , ann is able to somewhat come out of her shell , and john learns a valuable lesson about honesty , as well as deception . the film has one fault , however . the characters are almost all emotionally cold and isolated from one another , and often unlikable . if there had been a few extra scenes with gallagher , it probably would have helped , since his relationship with macdowell isn't quite as explored as i would have liked . " sex , lies , and videotape , " although minorly flawed , is still easily a brave and adult motion picture that is far more mature and honest about its subject matter than the usual film . soderbergh clearly knew what he was doing while he was making it , and the final product certainly proves this . synopsis : private detective tom welles is hired by a wealthy widow to uncover the origins of a snuff film owned by her late husband . after uncovering the authenticity of the film , welles descends into an underground world of perverse pornographers seeking vigilante revenge on the filmmakers . comments : 8 mm is one of the more disturbing mainstream movies i have seen in a long time . though it doesn't present a snuff film ( a movie which documents a person's murder for real , usually during or after some form of sexual act ) as explicitly as the cult classic mute witness and violence as shockingly as , say , natural born killers , 8 mm stays in your head long after you see it . it is not fun to watch ; see something else if you get upset by realistic , sadistic violence . this film's violence and perverse sexuality skirts closely into nc-17 territory . for those with strong stomachs , however , 8 mm is an intelligent , worthwhile thriller , especially during its second hour . nicolas cage , after a couple ho-hum movies , returns to material which allows him to utilize his strong acting abilities . as tom welles , a private detective and caring family man to a wife and newly-born daughter , cage skillfully and convincingly portrays a decent man whose unwavering energy slowly transforms into obssession and violence as he is pulled into a nightmarish world of underground pornographers and brutal sexual deviants . serving as a guide to this world is joaquin phoenix , who plays a struggling songwriter named max california . california , despite his name , is a surprisingly intelligent and complex character , and phoenix does a very good job at slowly pulling the audience to sympathy for the character . the real star of the movie , though , must be peter stormare . stormare played the " really , really evil guy " in fargo , and his character , dino velvet , in this movie seems about ten times more evil and unpredictable . his performance is very chilling . 8 mm's success may hardly be surprising . it was directed by joel schumacher , who , hopefully , saw this film as an apology for the absolutely dreadful batman and robin . before directing the last two batman duds , however , schumacher was responsible for several well-made horror flicks : lost boys , flatliners , and falling down . 8 mm certainly joins the rank of these minor classics and is perhaps most reminiscent of falling down in that both films present an average man who self-destructs before the audience's eyes . 8 mm was written by andrew kevin walker , who also penned the academy award-winning thriller seven a few years back . like seven , 8 mm is full of dialogue which haunts you well after leaving the theater . welles is searching for answers . how could anyone possibly drug and then slowly , methodically , sadistically kill a teenaged girl to make a film ? when confronting one of the perpretrators at the end , the murderer responds that there are no reasons . he just enjoys it . that , walker seems to suggest , is where the real terror lays : not in the crime itself but in the fact that rational motives do not exist . a couple minor faults led me to my four-star rating ( five stars is the highest rating i give ) . one , i found it a little difficult , early on , to accept the fact that a hardened private detective would get physically disgusted when first seeing a snuff film . yes , snuff is a horrible thing , but a detective of welles' caliber has probably encountered awful things before . second , some of the clues welles gathers are too convenient . he discovers , for example , the victim's diary in her private bathroom , despite the fact the the police , the fbi , and her own mother have all investigated the room before . finally , the closing scene seemed trite and improbable considering the rest of the film . despite the above criticisms , 8 mm is an engrossing story . one of the best scenes in the film occurs toward the end as a crazed welles , who no longer seems like a hero , brutally beats one of the pornographers responsible for the snuff film . he pulls a gun on the man and , for a relatively long amount of time , struggles to decide whether or not to kill him . he then leaves the building and calls the victim's mother , in the middle of the night , to basically see if she would support the action . the entire scene is tense , unpredictable , and emotionally charged . rarely , anymore , do horror films or thrillers provoke suspense in me as 8 mm , with scenes like this , did . 8 mm is most certainly not for the faint of heart . this is a graphic , oftentimes unflinching , look into the darkness which resides in both ordinary and extraordinary people . if you're prepared for a film of this nature , i give it an enthusiastic recommendation . to me , nicolas cage sounds like an ideal choice for the lead role in a martin scorsese film . despite the rantings that sean penn so rudely expressed , the actor remains a gifted and versatile screen presence . ever since the big success of the action-thriller `face/off' in 1997 , the hollywood road has been a rocky one for mr . cage . the perpetually awful assassination thriller `snake eyes' was one of 1998's worst films . `8mm' was a disappointing lost cause . but who better than scorsese to match cage's wit and intensity , which he does in miraculous fashion with `bringing out the dead' . cage delivers one of his finest performances as frank pierce , a new york city emergency paramedic who is running on fumes from day-to-day . after five years of the stress-inducing job , frank basically just staggers onward , relying on heavy doses of caffeine and booze until his shift finally ends . he also begins seeing the ghosts of past patients who died under his care , namely a young girl named rose , who stares back at him with pale features at every street corner in new york . frank desperately wants to be fired , but his boss needs him to scour the city and help those in need ( `i'll fire you tomorrow . . . ' he promises ) . frank is accompanied by a fresh face every night in the ambulance . the first is larry ( john goodman ) , who always has food on the brain . the second is marcus ( ving rhames ) , a deeply religious black man who incorporates the power of jesus into a regular rescue operation . and finally , tom ( tom sizemore ) is a deranged sociopath hungry for blood . i found it unique how scorsese used each of these characters for a single shift with frank , but they never figured into the actual plot . each is merely a colorful presence to help develop frank's character , because `bringing out the dead' is predominantly a study of his mind and detailed personality . the one character alongside frank that truly comes into play is mary ( patricia arquette ) , the daughter of a newly admitted patient who suffered from a severe heart attack . arquette , who recently received the wounds of christ in `stigmata' , performs well around real-life husband cage . it's unfortunate that , after such intriguing character trials and tribulations , the relationship between frank and mary slips during a mishandled , ineffective finale . the movie belongs to the one-two punch of cage and scorsese , who were born to collaborate their efforts in an arrangement similar to `bringing out the dead' . although it certainly lacks the grit and hard-edge of something like `goodfellas' , scorsese manages to hit a nerve with his latest picture . the incredible camera-work and photography represent stunning flashes of brilliance in an otherwise unspectacular conglomeration . fans will be pleased to find the director has returned to his abrasive , darkly humorous roots after somewhat of a departure with 1997's `kundun' . does `bringing out the dead' rival scorsese's finest work ? only occasionally . some of the film feels surprisingly limp , but there is enough energy in it's interesting material and breathtaking visual appearance to suffice . those expecting a grisly , risqu ? product may be somewhat disheartened at the fairly straight-arrow approach - but it's still a solid , admirable effort . `bringing out the dead' was written by the acclaimed paul schrader , who collaborated with scorsese on such classics as `taxi driver' and `raging bull' . schrader's script is full of moments - wonderful , sharply defined moments - that are sorted throughout the remainder of his meandering screenplay . the exceptional aspects of the film are it's astounding technical credits and the amazing cast . goodman and sizemore are both electric ( well , mainly sizemore ) , but it's the phenomenal ving rhames who deserves a second look . watch the actor's deeply inspired dedication as he resurrects a gothic band member , and you'll understand why he won a golden globe . `bringing out the dead' is raw and electrifying often enough to mask it's certain flaws . scorsese - and cage , for that matter - have done better , but their intentions are certainly admirable . at first glance , daylight would seem like your typical disaster movie . on second glance it looks that way too . although , as typical disaster movies go , daylight isn't that bad . admittedly , it seems to rip off a great deal of its plot devices from disaster flicks of days gone by ( think poseidon adventure ) . but the decent dialogue and surprisingly good acting make up for the " haven't i seen this scene somewhere before ? " feeling that creeps up all too often during the film . sylvester stallone stars as the recently fired head of new york's emergency response team . by sheer luck , he is in the right place at the right time when disaster strikes the unaware inhabitants of this little film . " what disaster is that ? " you ask , as you inch ever closer to the edge of your seat . glad you asked . through a whole sequence of entirely probable events ( about as probable as hitting the lottery ) a large explosion takes place in the lincoln tunnel running under the hudson river in new york city . the explosion results in the tunnel collapsing at both ends , which causes not only massive loss of life , but traps a dozen people inside the wreckage of the tunnel . good old sly , who is only feet away from entering the tunnel when it collapses , offers his services to the rescuers , who gladly accept it . sly then enters the tunnel through a vent shaft ( think judge dredd ) which he can only go in , and not out off , and proceeds to try to rescue those trapped inside . so begins the fun , but the fun has to be quick , because this tunnel has started to spring a leak . the acting is about what you would expect of a stallone movie . not superb by any means , but far above some of his other films ( think judge dredd again ) . daylight's acting is probably average , or a little above , in terms of this sort of genre , starring this particular star . amy brenneman is the only actor of any note , and she does a pretty good job as stallone's reluctant helper . oh yeah , stallone's real life son , sage , is in this too . sage -- nice name . i guess it could be worse , he could have been named nutmeg or parsley . note to sage -- you are still young . go to school and get a good education -- you don't have a future in acting . the plot runs along the same lines as the acting -- interesting , but predictable . mostly due to the fact that it was pretty well recycled from a dozen other action flicks . the biggest problem with a film of this nature is that they try to cram too many things into the movie . as soon as the cast clears one seemingly impossible hurdle , another one seems to pop right up , even worse than the last one . i realize that it wouldn't be much of a movie otherwise , but it does make the movie a bit predictable . adding to the predictability is the cast of characters , which of course , has to include at least one or two difficult people who want to do things their own way and think the qualified guy ( in this case stallone ) doesn't know what he is doing . why is it in disaster movies we can never have everyone agree with each other and all work together ? would this be too much to ask ? can't we all just get along ? special effects weren't bad -- but i've certainly seen better . some of the scenes , while fun to watch , were such blatant rip-offs that you had to wonder if scripts from old movies were just copied verbatim . especially all of the scenes that involved anything underwater ( the tunnel , of course , starts to flood ) . i really expected gene hackman , roddy mcdowell and ernest borgnine to appear at any minute -- i wasn't sure if i was watching daylight or the poseidon adventure . i suppose if you have to rip off a movie for good ideas , the poseidon adventure is a good one to use . the underwater sequences ( aside from the deja vu ) were very well shot and worked fairly well . they were the best part of the movie by a long shot . better than average stallone flick . i realize that's not saying much when the man has judge dredd on his resume . but certainly not up to the standards of cliffhanger . daylight is a fun movie , and as long as you aren't expecting a whole lot you might even be pleasantly surprised . after the simple looking little spacecraft lands in a automobile wrecking yard , out steps a steel-gray , human-like creature with aquamarine eyes and clad in a muscular suit . spencer , the boy who observes this , having seen his fill of science fiction flicks , figures this thing must be a robot from outer space . with the exception of disney and a few others , most studios view children's films as a way to ship a cheap and unimaginative product and thereby make a quick profit . star kid stands out as that rare kids' film that is undoubtedly low-budget but is also highly imaginative . remember , the robot ? it wasn't one at all but rather a " phase one assault cyborsuit . " the cyborsuit is actually a prototype combat enhancer developed by the trelkins and jettisoned for latter retrieval when they are under attack from the invading broodwarriors . the significant twist in the story is that spencer gets to go inside the cyborsuit , and the cyborsuit , nicknamed cy , has plenty of spunk . cy keeps questioning the kid about everything including words like " cool . " upon hearing that " command , " cy starts rapidly decreasing the temperature in the cyborsuit until spencer screams for him to stop . and when cy speaks , we see spencer's view , the backside of cy's lips and eyes . as 12-year-old spencer , joseph mazzello from the jurassic park film series gives a remarkably good performance as a wimpy and initially tongue-tied kid . even when enclosed in his powerful new cyborsuit , he has his fears but he learns to overcome them . " if you run away , things don't get better , whether it's bullies , spiders , or girls , " his science teacher advises him after he has difficulties dealing with all three . turbo ( joey simmrin ) , the school's chubby bully , beats up on him , spiders frighten him , and , most embarrassing of all , he can't speak when in the presence of his would-be girlfriend . with his cyborsuit on , he learns some bravery that transcends his time inside cy . spencer lives with his dad and his older teenage sister stacey , played by a smart-mouthed ashlee levitch , who looks like a younger sarah jessica parker . stacey derides her brother , whom she barely tolerates , by referring to him only as " the fungus . " this whole setup for spencer's downtrodden and delightfully funny life makes his acquisition of some superhuman powers a source of mirth and empowerment . the beauty of mazzello's performance is that you can vicariously experience his fear and share in his enjoyment when he goes after the bully to teach him a lesson he'll not soon forget . the ensuing mayhem has some of the home alone antics , but the slapstick is kept tightly under control by writer and director manny coto so that one never feels embarrassed to be laughing . the romantic angle is handled ever so delicately . when cy wishes to know if spencer wants to mate with the object of his desire , michelle ( lauren eckstrom ) , his eyes open wide in revulsion . " mate with her ! " spencer exclaims . " pllllleeeeease , i just like her that's all . " the show has many funny twists . in one , cy sees a man in a barney-like costume and begins firing at him , thinking he is an alien life-form . soon things get way out of hand , and cy and spencer have to beat a hasty retreat . as proof positive of the show's class , it actually contains tasteful bathroom humor -- thought that was an oxymoron in a kids' picture , didn't you ? cy cannot allow spencer to leave the cyborsuit , and what happens when he needs to urinate becomes both sweet and hilarious . the director's staging of this sequence is one of the film's more charming moments . oh , and eating is pretty funny too . spencer , whose idol is the comic book character " midknight warrior , " gets to face the challenge of a lifetime when a broodwarrior comes to capture the cyborsuit . spencer's valiant battle gives him a chance to find his mettle . and the action sequences in the battle manage to be quite respectable for a kids' show full of inventiveness and lacking the usual repetition . for a family movie mixing humor , fantasy , and action , star kid delivers . although it's probably not the sort of movie you'd want to see without kids , with them you'll have a magical time with a relatively straightforward but well developed story . you'll be rooting for and laughing with spencer and his buddy cy all the way through . star kid runs 1 : 41 . it is rated pg for fantasy combat . although the basically cartoonish broodwarrior might scare the littlest kids , i saw none of this in evidence in our packed screening , so i would say the show is fine for kids five and up , and possibly the younger ones . my son jeffrey , age 8 , got really excited about the picture . he called it " an especially good movie " and gave it * * * * . when i asked him to tell me his favorite characters , he mentioned almost everyone in it from the boy to the cyborsuit to the bully . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . like its own opening shot , from out of the darkness boogie nights triumphantly explodes upon the film scene with stunning authority and clarity , persuasively heralding its helmer paul thomas anderson as a bonafide major talent . a sprawling epic set in the heart of the disco era and focused upon the ascension and decline of a troupe in the adult film industry , boogie nights is an astonishingly ambitious feature film which is completely effective both as an utterly entertaining joyride and as a strikingly impressive piece of filmmaking . the film follows a soft-spoken young man , eddie adams ( mark wahlberg ) from torrance , through his induction into the erotic picture business to stardom , and later , to a harrowingly precipitous drop . as boogie nights opens , he's toiling as a dishwasher in a trendy san fernando valley nightclub , and living at home under the thumb of a tyrannical mother who denigrates him at every opportunity . recruited by fatherly jack horner ( a rejuvenated burt reynolds ) , a successful porn filmmaker , eddie abandons his old life in favour of a new one as dirk diggler , pornstar . wholeheartedly embraced by jack's troupe , including the maternal amber waves ( julianne moore ) , reed rothchild ( john c . reilly ) , buck swope ( don cheadle ) , rollergirl ( heather graham ) , dirk and his " one special thing " are quickly propelled to the top of his field , fulfilling his mantra of being a " big bright shining star " . his lack of discipline , however , incites a chain of circumstances which sees dirk and his friends unravel as a new decade is ushered in . the element of boogie nights which literally commands attention is the bravura direction by mr . anderson , whose fascination and prowess with the camera is obvious . from the terrific tracking shot throughout a nightclub which opens the film and introduces the players through to the showy sequence in the camera follows a female partygoer diving into a pool , mr . anderson's accomplished command of the camera is without question . while novice directors often demonstrate an unfortunate lack of restraint in terms of flamboyant camerawork which ultimately proves to be aggravating , impertinent and self-congratulatory ( case in point : marc rocco's unforgettable perpetual-motion helming of murder in the first ) , in boogie nights every zoom or pan by mr . anderson , be it slow and deliberate or energetically sharp , is purposeful and potent . it's a rarity and a delight to discover such a confidently assured work so early in a filmmaker's career -- boogie nights is only his second feature film , following up his debut feature from earlier this year , hard eight -- and although it's somewhat derivative ( his storytelling style is reminiscent of robert altman , while in terms of visuals he's clearly influenced by martin scorsese ) , at least he's borrowing from some of the best , and it's entirely effective within the context of this film . while boogie nights is astonishingly polished from a technical perspective , in terms of sheer entertainment value it's also rollicking good fun , with a wickedly deadpan sense of humour . the film perfectly captures the essence of the disco period in terms of music , clothes , hairstyles , dance , idioms , and culture , aided immeasurably by impeccable production design by bob ziembicki and costume design by mark bridges , and boogie nights convincingly catapults the audience back to this recent , pre-aids-scare period in american history where uninhibited , free-wheeling lifestyles abounded . while much of the film's humour pertains to the characters' obliviousness of now-outdated aspects of their lives then prevalent in society -- a prime example is part-time salesman buck swope's demo of a stereo system with an eight-track tape , and inviting a prospective customer to get 'freaky deaky' with the music -- it's elicited with an undercurrent not of ridicule , but of wistful reminiscence , and some the throwback elements in the film are strangely wondrous . a giant ensemble disco dance production number in a nightclub is funny , to be sure , but oddly magical , and the sequence which lovingly explores eddie/dirk's bedroom , completely adorned with posters and elements of iconic 1970s figures ( farrah fawcett , cheryl tiegs , bruce lee ) is breathtaking . ably supported by a well-selected collection of period music ( all of which purportedly came straight from mr . anderson's personal collection ) , there's a clear affection for the era in boogie nights . it's the period aspect and the playfully comic nostaligism of boogie nights which has been played up in its marketing campaign in deference of the pornography element of the storyline ; the film's promotional trailer markedly avoids any explicit reference to the adult film industry which unites its characters . after the debacle with 1996's milos forman film , the people vs . larry flynt , another finely-crafted work which was knocked off the market prematurely due to controversy regarding its pornography-related storyline , the new line marketing team faced a unique challenge with boogie nights in terms of attempting to deemphasize the relatively risque erotic picture element of the story in order to increase salability to the general public . however , while boogie nights delves into the world of the adult film industry of two decades ago , it's hardly a lurid or seamy film -- given the subject matter , there's very little nudity , and virtually none of it can be construed as gratuitous -- and boogie nights smartly depicts erotic filmmaking not as a hotbed of carnality , but simply as a business . the glimpses on the sets of jack horner's shoots reveal that while the films he makes are intended to titillate , there's a candid matter-of-factness in terms of sex ; his cast and crew are professionals who are merely doing a job , and it's refreshing that the obvious cliches of depravity and sinful lechery often linked to dismissive portraits of adult filmmaking , such as coercion or debauchery , are avoided . if anything , boogie nights is more interested in the process of adult filmmaking than the adult films themselves . jack horner's dream is an honourable one -- he genuinely aspires to make a great film -- and to some degree boogie nights is reminiscent of ed wood ( albeit lacking a certain wistful innocence ) . in both films , the world of quickie low-budget filmmaking is explored , and both jack horner and the version of ed wood by tim burton , scott alexander , and larry karaszewski share similar mindsets -- jack's retort of " there are shadows in light , baby " to his cinematographer's complaint about poor set lighting echoes back to ed wood's " it's not about the little details , it's about the big picture ! " rant when it is pointed out that his graveyard set for plan 9 from outer space appears patently false . in boogie nights and ed wood , the aspirations of the respective filmmakers' prove to be bemusing , not in their intentions -- there's nothing inherently silly in the goal of making an 'artistic' erotic picture -- but in the degree that they miss the mark . much like the humour lacing ed wood , the laughs involving jack horner are double-edged ; after viewing a hilarious excerpt from one of his latest films which hybridizes the james bond and porn genres , when jack breathes " this is the best work i've ever done " , it's genuinely funny , but given his utter sincerity , also possesses a tinge of sadness . mr . anderson is at this point clearly a greater talent as a director than a screenwriter . while boogie nights shows great inventiveness in staging , there really isn't any clever dialogue in the film , though a valid point certainly can be made that none of the film's characters particularly lend themselves to thoughtful verbal exchanges ; when one considers that the film's * protagonist * literally doesn't say a single insightful thing throughout the entire 152 minute running time , it's no wonder why the playfully inane " how much can you bench ? " banter between dirk and reed constitutes one of the film's finest exchanges . and while mr . anderson creates a rich collection of fascinating characters , it's problematic that some of the the threads given to the film's characters are simply stale material -- julianne moore's child custody battle is fairly cliched stuff , better suited for a less risque and uninspired tv-movie version of her character's story , and far less interesting than the thread dealing with her woefully hackneyed filmmaking ambitions . still , even if he doesn't always know what to do with his characters , mr . anderson most definitely captures their essences , and his resolutely nonjudgemental affection for them is infectious -- misguided , even aimless , hopelessly naive , self-destructive , insufferable : i loved them just the same . in any case , it's hard to pick nits with a screenplay which contains one of the most audacious and inspired ( and ultimately best-executed ) scenes of the year : a scene where dirk diggler and reed rothchild are dragged along by their loose-cannon compadre to the home of drug baron rahad jackson ( a mesmerizing alfred molina in an unforgettable performance , even if it's a small one ) in a suicidal drug deal scam , only to find that the millionaire is a crazed eccentric ( the part where he stops the deal to listen to the crescendo of night ranger's " sister christian " on his stereo system is sheer brilliance ) flanked by an armed bodyguard . if this scene already wasn't tense enough with these elements , mr . anderson introduces a chinese boy that wanders through the scene , who for no discernable reason is tossing firecrackers around the room , pushing the scene to a new , surreal level of delightful giddiness . there are some other interesting touches in boogie nights . mr . anderson recycles the use of long methodical chimes on the soundtrack from hard eight ; here , it accompanies the violent intercut sequences which depict the prostration of various characters to frightening effect . similarly , a painful scene where crew member scotty j ( philip seymour hoffman ) breaks down in tears in the driver's seat , sobbing " i'm so stupid " after being rebuffed by dirk after an awkward but heartfelt advance is strikingly played out exactly as a later scene with dirk in the driver's seat after a particularly tumultuous and traumatic evening . boogie nights is exceedingly well cast , and each of the actors rise to the occasion ; the ensemble cast is uniformly good . while most of the acting accolades will no doubt go to mr . wahlberg ( fulfilling upon the sparks of promise he demonstrated in some of his earlier films ) and mr . reynolds ( terrific as the father figure and stable anchor of the film , ringing true in every respect ) , a handful of other performances which might otherwise be overlooked deem mention . mr . reilly demonstrates here , as he did for brief glimpses in ulu grosbard's georgia , a genuine aptitude for comedy -- many of his scenes in boogie nights are among the very funniest in the film . i'm not sure how much of his performance as reed was scripted and how much was done on the spot , but he plays the quintessential second banana character to a tee . mr . reilly is the best part of the big disco dance production number , and it's wickedly funny to watch his reed join in with dirk after the fact in threatening the new stud on the block during a macho altercation . worth the price of admission alone is the glimpse of him getting down in the recording studio while the dirk character is laying down a numbingly bad ( and dead-on period ; it sure sounds like bad early 1980s to me ) demo track " you got the touch " in a vain attempt at a musical career . mr . reilly plays his vacant character with utter conviction which is convincing and effective . ms . graham , with her long dirty blonde hair , innocent demeanour , and huge hazel eyes , looks like a disney animated heroine come to life -- or in this case , a disney animated heroine who came to life , made a wrong turn , and ended up on the new line lot in a film focused on the late 70s / early 80s adult film industry . consequently , it's a bit incongruous to see this cheery sweet-faced starlet whizzing about the set on her roller skates , but in a scene where she's lounging in a limousine prowling the streets , garish red lipstick messily smeared on , giving the camera a hilariously pouty come-hither look , all one can do is gulp . her role in the film sadly needs more fleshing out ( err -- in a figurative sense ) -- she's essentially a glorified extra -- but she does score impressively in her key scene which is unnerving in its sheer primal ferocity . ( if only mr . anderson had filmed the scene so that we could actually see the expression of rage and anguish on her face , though ! ) and a cautionary tale for the strict and prudish : as a teen , ms . graham's parents forbade her to take a part in the twisted cult classic heathers ; since then , her most notable roles have been as a junkie ( gus van sant's drugstore cowboy ) and now a porn starlet . draw your own conclusions . perhaps the most quietly touching performance in boogie nights is that of mr . cheadle , who lends dignity to his role as a character in search of his identity , and whose quest is comically manifested by a series of changes in his sense of fashion . his relationship with his cheerfully supportive new wife jessie st . vincent ( an interesting melora walters ) is wholly compelling has genuine sweetness , and although his general longing for acceptance from others is perceptible , it's no more so than in the bank scene where his loan application to open a stereo store is rejected due to his background in the porn industry . while the scenario is familiar , the wounded look in cheadle's eyes makes the scene unforgettable . luis guzman's most famous work is possibly in brian de palma's carlito's way , and here he plays a variation on the same character : maurice t . rodriguez is a hapless but good-natured nightclub owner who's a hanger-on to jack's group , ingratiating himself into the clique and constantly hounding jack , with little disguise made of his desperation , for a part in one of his erotic pictures . jack's eventual acquiescence to maurice's request leads to one of boogie nights' biggest comic payoffs . boogie nights is a stunning achievement due to the virtuoso direction by mr . anderson , who immediately asserts his presence in the film industry as a presence of note with this work . striking a fine balance between humour and drama , and exceptionally well-crafted , there's no doubt that boogie nights is among the very best films of the year . bruce willis and sixth sense director m . night shyamalan re-team to tell the story of david dunne ( willis ) , a stadium security guard who has been having some problems at home that are affecting his relationship with his wife and child . on a return trip from new york where he was trying to get a job , dunne is in a horrible train accident that he is the only survivor of . to make things even stranger , dunne has also escaped the accident completely unscathed . a comic book art dealer named elijah price ( samuel l . jackson ) , who was born with a degenerative bone disease that causes his bones to be so brittle that they break constantly , has been seeking out someone like dunne his entire life . price felt that there had to be someone exactly the opposite of him . . . someone whose bones would be so strong that they would never break . price contacts dunne and convinces him to come down to his gallery for a talk where he suggests that dunne could quite possibly be something akin to a superhero from the comic books price used to read when he was a child . dunne doesn't believe him at first , but price assists him in discovering his " powers " and helps him hone his craft until he discovers what his true calling really is . writer/director m . night shyamalan had a tough act to follow with his sleeper hit the sixth sense . how exactly does one follow up on one of the biggest and most popular thrillers in recent years ? for shyamalan , the answer must have come as easy to him as nuclear physics does to kindergartners . does this new film measure up to his breakthrough box office smash , though ? the answer to that question is not a very easy one , either . as far as pacing goes , the sixth sense seemed almost interminable . it wasn't until the surprise ending was revealed that i realized the film was actually intentionally ( and perfectly ) paced in order to give the audience ample time to re-connect all of the information they had seen once the climax had been reached . for unbreakable , shyamalan gave the film a much more satisfying pace which , in many ways , blows away the film that had come before . the story moves along at a steady pace and shyamalan's direction is excellent , with the camera almost constantly moving . there are tons of great shots in the film , not least of which is a conversation that opens the film between willis' character and another train passenger . the shot seems as though it were filmed like we were watching the two talk from between the train seats and the camera steadily glides back and forth between the two actors as they speak . also very impressive is the film's score by james newton howard ( who also scored shyamalan's sixth sense and the similar film stir of echoes , as well as this year's dinosaur ) . several of the scenes are driven by a very catchy beat and help to increase the tempo of the film . one of the best examples of this is a scene in which dunne goes into a train station to " exercise " his powers . the music , in combination with the stellar visuals , really go a long way towards making this an incredible movie . if there was any one soundtrack i would make a must purchase this year , this one would be it . the film also boasts some great performances , including a precocious child actor trying to vie for the oscar throne left vacant by haley joel osment . willis turns in a great performance as the sad sack dunne , who just can't seem to figure out why he's been depressed for the last few years . his character almost seems pathetic when we first meet him , but he eventually grows into his own under elijah's tutelage . jackson is one of the better actors of our time , and here he turns in yet another great performance as the ever injured elijah . though his hairstyle is absurd , jackson seems to infuse such a great deal of pain into his role that the mortar board hairdo can easily be overlooked . robin wright penn's role seems slightly underwritten , but she still manages to get across the intense hurt of her character's need for love from her husband and her desire to make things work again . spencer treat clark , as the dunne's young son jeremy , shows that shyamalan still has a knack for picking young actors , and he turns in one of the most competent performances in the film . out of all the characters , jeremy's is perhaps the most emotional , and clark does a great job with the role . where the film does lose points though , is during its " surprise " ending . shyamalan has said in interviews that he was going to do an ending that blew away the one presented by the sixth sense , but i found myself saying " that was it ? ! " when unbreakable revealed its own ending . it's not that the ending is bad , it's just that the ending doesn't quite have the emotional punch that the other film's did . plus , it almost seems like it sets itself up for sequels ( and i won't reveal the ending here , but you'll understand what i mean when you see it ) . essentially , what all of this means is that shyamalan has made another good film with unbreakable . the only real problem is that the ending doesn't quite fill the shadow left by its predecessor . as long as it isn't held to the standard that sixth sense set ( which it ultimately will be ) , it should be a remarkably well liked film . one thing seems clear , though . shyamalan definitely has an affinity for comic books that he would like to share with the world and many comic book fans will also delight the vision he presents in this film . there's good news and bad news about mulan . the positive is that disney has found a happy medium between the heavy-handedness of pocahontas and the hunchback of notre dame and the childishness of hercules . on the other hand , the studio is pulling out all the stops on plot cliches and cheap laughs , several steps down from the days of the little mermaid and beauty and the beast . but mulan is a step in the right direction and disney's best animated feature since the lion king . after giving native americans a turn in pocahontas , disney has decided to turn a movie over to the asians . mulan is set in feudal china and features the ever-popular heroine who marches to a different drum and wants to do more with her life than get married . that's what we find out when young mulan ( voice of ming- na wen ) screws up her appointment with the matchmaker by letting a rogue cricket splash coffee all over her . cartoons . . . meanwhile , word comes from the emporer that one man from every family must join the army and help fight the huns . since mulan's a girl , that means her decrepit old father must go . she pleads with the soldiers to have mercy on dear old dad , but that kind of groveling and desperation brings shame on her family . that's chinese culture for you . . . so imagine how embarrassed the family is the next day when they find mulan has stolen her father's uniform and sword and run off to join the army in his place . the movie in a nutshell is about the stuggles of being a woman in the army . it should have been called g . i . chang . mulan calls on her ancestors for help . they decide to summon the large stone dragon in the backyard to protect her , but a mini dragon named mushu screws it up . voiced by eddie murphy , mushu continues the tradition of cute talking animal sidekicks who do more slapstick harm than good for their human charges . murphy's performance is a direct descendent of robin williams in aladdin -- lots of wisecracks and ad-libs and even an introductory song about how much fun they're going to have . you ain't never had a friend like mushu . speaking of songs , mulan doesn't have too many of them , which is a plus with a story like this . disney songs about war probably wouldn't go over too well ( " heigh ho , heigh ho , it's off to war i go . . . " ) , and the ones they do have aren't memorable . the best of the bunch , sad to say , is " be a man , " the requisite basic training montage song . yes , even in medieval china , they had to run through that web of car tires before they were ready for battle . sung by donnie osmond ( a bad sign if ever there was one ) , " be a man " accompanies footage of mulan's platoon going from screw-ups to heroes . it makes me wonder , has there ever been a musical montage in a movie that's ended badly ? i only wish real-life problems could be solved in two minutes with a peppy montage . for the curious , mulan does pass for a man in the army despite looking like a girl . all she does to transform herself is cut her hair to a sexy shoulder-length , talk macho and slap guys on the butt , as was male custom a thousand years ago in china . the deception fools everyone but the audience , who thinks she might be able to pass for a 12-year-old boy , at best . but she does manage to strike the biggest blows to the hun army , led by a big , evil-eyed attilla-looking monster . as a villain , the head of the huns is menacing , evil and entirely forgettable . i saw the movie yesterday and i don't remember the man's name . otherwise , mulan is a good movie . the animation of the characters themselves isn't as rich as it could and should be , but there are some amazing battlefield shots . eddie murphy pulls off some good one-liners , as do other star voices like harvey fierstein and pat morita , the quintessential asian movie star . hell , george " mr . sulu " takei does a voice in mulan . you get the sense disney said to themselves , " alright , let's get out there and find us some chinese americans in hollywood . who can you think of ? " " well , there's mr . myagi . . . " " good . " " and mr . sulu . " " perfect . we've got ourselves a movie now . " soon disney really _will_ be able to paint with all the colors of the wind . harmless , silly and fun comedy about dim-witted wrestling fans gordie and sean ( david arquette and scott caan ) who idolize current world championship wrestling heavyweight champion jimmy king ( oliver platt ) . when king is screwed out of his title by a corrupt promoter ( joe pantoliano ) , gordie and sean take it upon themselves to find their fallen hero and restore his glory . my biggest fear about ready to rumble was dispatched early on , as the filmmakers are quick to show that wresting is indeed choreographed ( but not fake , mind you ) . the hook of the movie is that gordie and sean are just too stupid to realize that . arquette and caan are suitably over the top with their performances , which is exactly what a movie like this requires , and oliver platt ( one of my favorite actors ) is a riot as the drunken washed-up ex-champion . many have scoffed at the idea that platt should be playing a heavyweight champion wrestler with an unbeaten record , but for me it just added to the " silly factor " of the film , thereby increasing my enjoyment of it . one casting complaint however : rose mcgowan as a sexy dancer ? please . . . if rose mcgowan is sexy then i'm marilyn manson . given the current state of the actual wcw , if oliver platt were appearing as jimmy king right now on wcw programming , he'd be the most popular guy they have . on a similar note , the " plot line " of the wresting portions of the film are more entertaining than anything the wcw writers have been able to come up with in the last two years . although one does have to ask . . . why would any wrestling promoter fire the head wrestler of a company who is both unbeaten and extremely popular with the fans ? director brian robbins ( you'll remember him as eric from tv's " head of the class " ) just knows how to make good dumb movies . this movie fits in nicely with his previous efforts good burger and varsity blues . and screenwriter steven brill ( the epic mighty ducks trilogy , late last night ) manages to keep things both sophomoric and clever at the same time , with almost all the jokes of the film getting a laugh out of me . the only exceptions to that were : 1 ) a scene involving a van full of singing nuns and 2 ) any scene involving the old woman wrestling fan . those moments made me cringe and/or groan . as an added bonus though , the audience is treated to outtakes from the film as the final credits roll . [pg-13] steven spielberg is now considered as one of the hollywood deities , because of the rare capability to deliver both huge commercial hits , like jurassic park , and " oscar " -awarded critical triumphs like schindler's list . however , in the 1970s spielberg built his reputation by creating works of art that could slip in both categories . one of them is close encounters of the third kind , extremely popular and influential science-fiction spectacle . unfortunately , it had a bad luck to be released in the same year as star wars . although both films have a lot in common ( ground-breaking special effects , brilliant score by john williams ) their future was different ; one became an unstoppable cult phenomenon , and another almost forgotten and stuck forever in its shadow . when spielberg began work on that project , he was already established as a bright new hollywood star due to his previous commercial hit , jaws . together with other young directors of his " new hollywood " generation , like kauffman , carpenter , hill and millius , he exploited the great creative freedom of 1970s , when even the mainstream producers dared to experiment . ironically , it was spielberg himself whose later commercial success would established new unwritten rules of " blockubuster " philosophy . but in the mid 1970s , many things were different ; spielberg was young and eager to use hollywood resources for his very personal and artistic movie . although very personal , spielberg's screenplay was partly based on the book " ufo experience " by dr . j . allen hynek and in many ways inspired by the popular urban mythology of extraterrestrial visitors to earth that began to grow in the world after ww2 . spielberg was not only inspired by the mythology , but his movie also gave the mythology itself a huge boost , unmatched until the contemporary era of x-files and the roswell anniversary . that was partly because he made the movie very realistic using the authentic ufo-related incidents as the element of the plot . the story begins with one of such incidents - team of international scientists come to the sonorra desert in mexico to find the u . s . navy planes of who went missing decades ago during the famous flight 19 . such events coincide with the ufo incident witnessed by roy neary ( richard dreyfuss ) , power company worker from muncie , indiana , who later becomes obsessed with his experience . because of his obsession he loses his job , family and sanity , but his loss is nothing compared to the experience of jillian guiler ( melinda dillon ) , single mother whose son becomes the victim of alien abduction . in the meantime , the scientists decipher the strange signals from outer space and u . s . government , in co-operation with the french , led by lacombe ( francois truffaut ) begin with the preparation for ultra-secret project . when the news of the poison gas leak in the middle of wyoming reach neary , he finally sees some sense in all his visions and begins the perilous journey toward the centre of endangered area . there he is joined by jillian who shared the similar visions . two of them must break through military pickets and reach their destination to find whatever is there . spielberg here shows great mastery by using the very same techniques of jaws to make completely different effects . the slow , gradual yet very disciplined series of dramatic incidents - " close encounters " - is set in order to bring the viewer to the great revelation in the finale . but , instead of the fear and horror we had to endure during the jaws , we are now overwhelmed by the sense of boyish wonder . throughout the movie the viewer knows that something big , magnificent and wonderful is about to happen , and great magician spielberg delivers his promise in the end . the last sequence , with its , even in this age , impressive special effects by the great virtuoso douglas trumbull , would leave many mouths open . one of the great virtues of this film is its optimism . aliens , who almost always get portrayed as the monsters in science-fiction cinema , are here benevolent and harmless creatures and the first contact between them and humanity is a beginning of something wonderful . it is very ironic , when we consider that the two classic sf movies that visually inspired spielberg actually told quite different story - howard hawks' thing and byron haskin's war of the worlds presented extraterrestrials as the threat to the mankind . spielberg's humane approach and faith in the future also lies in great contrast to the pessimistic mood of its era ; the only hint of the contemporary gloom is post-watergate portrayal of government as conspiratorial towards the public . but , even such government is much more harmless compared to the murderous and chain-smoking men in black that became the stereotype thanks to x-files and its more cynical and disturbing visions . there lies the main , and probably the only flaw of this great picture - lack of conflict , and consequently , lack of drama . the movie has few excitements or even action scenes ( especially the last that may be an interesting homage to hitchcock's north by northwest ) but generally , almost everyone - neary , jillian , government , aliens - are the good guys . despite such shortcomings , the actors were good and manage to bring multidimensionality to their simple roles . richard dreyfuss is very convincing as a ordinary , yet nice guy , who sinks into insanity only to rediscover himself in a grand finale . melinda dillon was , on the other hand , nominated for " oscar " as a struggling mother , yet she was overshadowed by teri garr as neary's long-suffering wife ronnie . apart from visual wonders of this film , spielberg's semi-official composer john williams again excels by his beautiful music , this time using the simple melody both as the element of a plot , and as the basis for his score . the aliens , who are the main subject of this film , were visually very convincing . too convincing , one of my acquaintances in the ufo-researching circles said . according to him , the depiction of extraterrestrials as grey-skinned little people with big eyes was so accurate , that it managed to freak out powerful government figures interested in suppressing the truth about ufos . so , they later approached spielberg and ordered him to make another movie with alien , this time designed to be anything but the real life . the result was e . t . , for many years the biggest commercial hit of all times , yet less inspirational for ufo enthusiasts . anyway , whether the viewer believes in existence of extraterrestrials or ufos , close encounters of the third kind remains the great movie , and one of the rare uplifting experiences in modern cinema . with the exception of their surrealistic satire barton fink , the films of joel and ethan coen fit into two broad categories : quirky and sometimes darkly humorous takes on the " film noir " genre in which crime schemes go wrong and spin increasingly out of control ( fargo , miller's crossing , blood simple ) , and off-the-wall comedies centered around an eccentric , scatter-brained lead character ( raising arizona , the hudsucker proxy ) . their latest offering , the big lebowski , falls within the latter category , though there are elements of the crime-gone-wrong theme and even a touch of satire to be found in this film . the main difference , however , is that while the protagonists of raising arizona and the hudsucker proxy had lofty aspirations and ideals but didn't quite have the brains to get it all together , the main character of the big lebowski seems like a fairly intelligent guy who's wise to the world , but he doesn't really want to do much of anything besides go bowling , smoke pot , and generally relax . that main character is jeffrey " the dude " lebowski ( jeff bridges ) , introduced by the film's rambling narrator ( sam elliott ) as " quite possibly the laziest man in los angeles county . " the dude is unemployed , needless to say , and spends most of his time at the bowling alley with his two best friends , walter ( john goodman ) , a borderline-psychotic who's in the habit of pulling a gun when he thinks somebody's cheating in a bowling match ( " has the whole world gone crazy ? ! " he shouts at a suspected cheater ) , and donny ( steve buscemi ) , who's always a few steps behind the conversation and is constantly berated by walter for it ( " donny , you have no frame of reference here ! " ) . these three seem to more or less live for bowling tournaments , and as the film begins they are anticipating an important match with rival bowler jesus quintana ( john turturro ) , who , when we first meet him , is doing a dance in the bowling lane to accompany a spanish version of " hotel california " and , if it's possible , seems to be even more of a head case than walter . if that doesn't give you a good idea of this film's absurdist tone , then perhaps this will : the entire scenario which drives the story is set in motion by two thugs mistakenly urinating on the dude's rug . they've mistaken him for a millionaire of the same name who is also known as the " big " lebowski ( david huddleston ) and whose nymphomaniac wife bunny ( tara reid ) owes money to porn producer jackie treehorn ( ben gazzara ) . the dude goes to the big lebowski seeking compensation for his ruined rug ; he doesn't have any luck , but when bunny is apparently kidnapped , the elder lebowski asks him to deliver the $1 million ransom . unfortunately , walter gets involved and fouls up the drop-off , and before they can try again to get the money to the supposed kidnappers , the dude's car gets stolen , along with the briefcase containing the money . soon , the dude is being harassed not only by the big lebowski himself but also by treehorn and by a group of german " nihilists " who demand the ransom money even though they may not have been involved in the kidnapping in the first place ; the dude and walter suspect that bunny may well have kidnapped herself in order to extort money from her husband to repay her debts to treehorn . meanwhile , the big lebowski's daughter maude ( julianne moore ) , a feminist avant-garde artist who likes to make grand entrances swinging through the air naked , wants to recover the money for her family . the plot , however , is really just a vehicle for all these bizarre characters to run wild and wreak their own unique forms of havoc . the previews for the big lebowski feature creedence clearwater revival's " run through the jungle , " and it fits : the coens see los angeles as a veritable jungle of oddballs and nutcases , with the sometimes bewildered dude left to run through it and try to avoid any more trouble ( usually unsuccessfully ) . the film doesn't feature quite as many one-liners and sight gags as the coens' other comedies ( though there are a few hilarious moments of visual humor , particularly in the dude's dream sequences and acid flashbacks ) , but it more than makes up for it with the sheer fun of watching these strange characters interact . the film sometimes seems a little disjointed as a result - you get the feeling that the coens have not only set their characters loose in this " jungle " but are also themselves running crazy through the jungle of their own twisted imaginations - but for the most part the characterizations are interesting enough to overcome the shaky plotting and what turns out to be a somewhat anticlimactic resolution . there's also a noticeable ( but not too heavy-handed ) thread of social commentary in the big lebowski , which , incidentally , takes place just as the gulf war is about to begin ; at the beginning , we see george bush on television making his " this aggression will not stand " speech . the coens take aim at just about every elite l . a . subculture in the book : the egotistical wealthy businessman ( " the bums will always lose ! " shouts the big lebowski at one point ) , the porn industry , the overbearing malibu policeman who berates the dude for disturbing their " peaceful beach community , " and so on . by the end , we really start to admire the dude , who almost certainly harbors the least " aggression " of anyone in this story ; his passive resistance ( emphasis on " passive , " albeit ) to the elite emerges as something more than just another quirky characterization in a film overflowing with quirky characters . he also turns out to have a pretty well-functioning brain in his head , even if he doesn't like to use it very much ; his sarcasm towards treehorn and the malibu policeman shows that he knows when he's getting a run around , and he does manage to unravel the kidnapping mystery by the end . the coens certainly poke fun at the dude for his laziness , but they don't just treat him as fodder for cheap shots either . i think that , more than anything , is what makes the big lebowski a standout comedy : it manages to approach characters like the dude and , to some extent , walter , with genuine affection while still acknowledging that they are pretty scatter-brained . audience members may find themselves surprised at how much they like the un-dynamic duo by the end of the movie , given that they seemed like nothing more than the butts of an extended joke at first . " it's good knowin' he's out there , the dude , takin' it easy , " posits the narrator towards the end . i dare say that truer words have seldom been spoken . " the endurance : shackleton's legendary antarctic expedition " in 1914 , as the great war descended upon europe , sir ernest shackleton began his third expedition to antarctica , this time to be the first to cross the ice-bound continent on foot . 28 men set sail on the brigantine endurance and they would not be heard from again for nearly two years . director george butler , using film footage and photographs from the historic journey , tells their remarkable story in " the endurance : shackleton's legendary antarctic expedition . " the expedition started out as a merely incredibly difficult quest to traverse , on foot , the vast wasteland of antarctica . as the intrepid ship and crew entered the weddell sea , the entry to the cold , cruel continent , they did not plan on the dense pack ice bringing the voyage to an abrupt halt as the endurance became trapped within sight of land . for months the ice thickened and compressed until the ship was crushed , stranding the men on the flow , propelling them away from their goal and , eventually , into their lifeboats for safety . shackleton , faced with a desolate situation , made the decision to lead the three tiny boats to the relative safety of uninhabited elephant island . once on this " safe " haven , shackleton next turned his sights to saving his crew and returning them to civilization . he and five of his men leave the island in an open boat to make the 800 mile journey on the world's roughest sea to get help from the nearest inhabited island of south georgia . miraculously , the six land , after 17 days at sea , on the uninhabited side of the target island and are forced to trek across treacherous , snow covered mountains , covering 22 miles in just 36 hours . this ordeal is followed by several attempts by shackleton to get back to elephant island to rescue the remaining crewmen . in the end , he is successful and everyone made it back home alive , only to be swallowed up by the ravages of the war . the title of this fascinating documentary , " the endurance , " is more than just the name of ship that carried the crew of brave men to the edge of the world . it is also the description of the stamina and ability of every one of the men who survived 19-months of the toughest , most grueling conditions on the face of the earth . the name of the film is a tribute to every member of the crew and to the ship that sheltered them for many month of frigid antarctic weather . it also describes the focused mental state of shackleton who never gave up on himself or his men . with astonishing foresight , shackleton brought australian cinematographer and photographer frank hurley along on the journey . the filmed footage and photos are remarkable as they capture the ordeal of the men , day to day life , the affection all felt for their loyal sled dogs , the slow destruction of the endurance and the preparations to get off of the pack ice flow . after the sinking of the ship , the remaining film stock , with the exception of a still camera and three rolls of film , had to be discarded so the continuing chronicle of the incredible journey gets less photo documentation as the ordeal plods on . considering hurley was using relatively primitive photo technology in one of the world's harshest environments and captured so much on film is a feat unto itself . ( hurley created his own account of the shackleton expedition in his 1919 documentary , " south , " an interesting companion piece for " the endurance . " if shackleton's original idea , document his trek across the frigid southern continent , had been successful , it would have been considered a super human feat . as you watch the story of " the endurance " unfold , you realize that the disastrous obstacles the sir ernest and his men faced and overcame were even greater accomplishments than the first intent . ( shackleton's amazing 800-mile journey in an open boat is fodder for a rousing adventure story all by itself . ) there are a couple of minor nitpicks with this fine work , though . actor liam neeson narrates the story , but his voice is too soft spoken and lilting for the dramatic tale . the nature of the ordeal also concentrates most of the visual material , both film and photo , in the documentary's first half . as the crew's adventure takes more drastic paths , hurley had less and less film stock available to chronicle the awesome events . helmer butler and his team fill in the blanks , but the treasure of " the endurance , " its film footage , is mostly relegated to the early months of the expedition . i can't think of a true-life adventure that shows , better , the triumph of man over seemingly insurmountable odds . " the endurance , " based on caroline alexander's book , is an eye-opening documentary that goes where few men have gone before and , even more remarkably , all 28 survivors lived to tell about it . i give it a b+ . every year--every year at the festival , i wait for that film to come along , that one that just pulls me out of my seat , sticks its face up next to my nose , and roars " sur-prise ! " into my bewildered visage . it's almost always a surprise . it sure as niflheim was this time . amazing grace and chuck is being advertised as a modern fairy tale , of a boy in montana who quits his little league team for a very unusual reason . and , in the hands of anyone less careful than the creative staff of this film , it might very well be nothing more than a fairy tale , where we roll our eyes occasionally , smirk to ourselves , and maybe get a forced tear out of the eyes and a " boy , i wish that could happen " sigh out of the lips upon exiting the theater and tossing the empty pepsi cup into the trash . another e . t . another short circuit . this film floored me , for the simple reason that while it has a fairy tale concept , the rest of the film takes itself seriously enough , and presents itself well enough , to make it more of an american folk tale , with characters who are both icons and real people at the same time . america has always had its mythical heros , its paul bunyans and john waynes ; this film presents us with more general , but still universal , ideals : the honest , innocent children who have their own inner wisdom ; the athletes who seem to be amalgamations of courage , honor , and love for their respective sport ; the venerable elected official who leads with kindness and understanding , but has the grit to get things done when they need doin' ( does the latter sound familiar ? ) . amazing grace and chuck is a showcase for these characters , but it never leaves you with the feeling that it's artificial , that it stands behind glass , or that any sharp breeze--or , more importantly , sharp thought--will shatter the wax facade of the panorama . this is a very sturdy scenario . the principals are always given dialogue , and always give performances--always ( it just blows me away ) -- which made them seem real , yet enforces their particular mythic role . the writer/producer , david field , seems to literally take all the " yeah , but in real life , this would have happen " thoughts you get in your head , sticks them in the movie and uses them to bend the plot around to his original heading , in a stronger way then before ! astounding ! he uses obstacles to the plot to * enforce * it ! i am truly impressed ( indeed , envious ) with the skill in which he wrote the story and screenplay ; it's so very unusual , especially in a hollywood film . i don't want to give too much away , but the basic premise is that chuck ( joshua zuehlke ) , the little league pitcher , decides to give up baseball because of nuclear weapons . his decision begins an unlikely series of events that involve another athlete , a boston basketball player ( alex english ) , " amazing " grace smith , and , well , i'm leaving it at that because i wouldn't spoil this film for you for the world . let me just say this , though : i am not recommending this film because i think it has a great message or because of any political positions it might imply . i don't give a rat's ass for the political point-of-view this film expresses , one way or another ; i'm recommending you go see this film because , and only because , it's an excellent story , told with excellence . no , i don't believe what happens in this film could happen in real life ; while i tend to believe the arms control policy of this country is stilted , i believe in careful negotiations , mutual verification , etc . screw what i think . the point is , this film is able to suspend my disbelief and tell a story that is one of the most finely crafted pieces of american dream i have ever seen on the movie screen . this is the natural and more--all the mythic qualities without the pretentiousness or the forced feeling of the conclusion , and a much better script to boot . it carried me into the beliefs and ideals of my boyhood--and , more importantly , without any bumps or jolts that would snap me out of the trance with some hint of self-consciousness . special kudos to : both zuehlke ( a real-life little league pitcher who was picked for the part ) and english ( a forward for the denver nuggets ) for their seamless personification of their characters ; jamie lee curtis , who takes a surprisingly small role and makes it exceedingly memorable as amazing's manager and friend ; william l . peterson ( in a * big * change from his role in to live and die in l . a . ) as a father who shows principles without having to stand up and wave a flag doing it ; and gregory peck , as the guy we wish ronald reagan really was ( and who some numbskulls still probably think he is oh god how many john grisham lawyer films we have been munundated with ! in a perfect world , " a civil action " would be a breath of fresh air . it's cynical about lawyers in a way that grisham isn't . it's romantic in the exact opposite way a grisham book/film isn't . and , the capper , it has no distinct ending , and the law in hollywood films is that above all else , you must have an ending . even if it's based on a true story , a true story which hasn't yet ended , you must supply an ending , a false one , but an ending nevertheless . hell , " a civil action " is even more sly and more witty than any of the grisham works put together ( and that includes " the firm , " the only novel of his that will ever be regarded as a classic ) . yet it's also oddly and slightly unsatisfying . weird . this is , in fact , a steve zallian film , not just the work of a hack , and zallian is the director of the much-admired " search for bobby fischer " ( didn't see it ) and writer of none other than " schindler's list . " in short , i like this guy , and am a sucker for the way he tells his stories . after all , apart from the obvious it's-a-holocaust-film and it's-a-spielberg-film , isn't " schindler's list " just a damn brilliant film , not so much a holocaust film as it is a wonderful character study . " a civil action " is the same way : it's narrative is split between being a lawyer film and being a character study . and it's here that the film seems to go a bit wrong . the main complaint of this film is that while , yes , it's an engrossing lawyerly tale , it has no real ending , and that's not necessarily the problem with the film . it's that it's just kind of unsatisfying . if this were a great film , it would feel complete , and still end basically the same way . but this film just seems to end , and i don't want to be stupid and suggest an alternate ending should be tacked on : imagine , if you will , being one of those the film is about , looking forward to this film , and then discovered the truth has been through a surrealistic and unpleasant hollywood filter , just so the many won't bitch about what is , essentially , genuine . but the fact that it just ends is not , in all actuality , what is wrong with it . it's rather that zallian has chosen , in the last half hour , to adandon the traditional lawyer story , and chose the other part of his story , the one about the lawyer , one jan schlictman ( john travolta ) , who's shown in the opening and throughout most of the movie as a heartless but brilliant lawyer , brilliant because he's manipulative and he always wins . it wishes to make it all about jan in the end , but the truth is , his change , although nicely done , is not full . we see him suffering from a personal crisis , and travolta does do a pretty good job in depicting his change of heart , but in the end , we don't fully believe it . and i think that the problem is when he has made his decision , the film choses an odd angle to go at , a noble one , but one that gives the film's conclusion that of incompleteness . in the opening of the film , we see him doing his old schtick , manipulating courts , winning cases effortlessly , and then discussing on a heard radio interview how great he is at his job and how much he cares for his cases . in short , he's full of bullshit and we know it . in the film , he takes a case that is hardly desired : a town where several of the children have died mysteriously of lukemia and the source of the illness seems to be from a local factory that may or may not have been dumping waste into the river . point one , it's not of the usual criteria ( jan points out , wickedly , that dead or wounded children aren't nearly as sympathetic as those struck down in the midst of their success ) . point two , it has been through several lawyers . after turning them down , jan changes his mind ( a muddled scene - he stops his car on a bridge , looks out . . . is he feeling a sense of overachievement ? ) , and he and his team of lawyers ( tony shalhoub , zeljko ivanek , and accountant william h . macy ) head out to the town to do battle with the town's company . they spend millions of dollars examining the land , test the water , what have you ( this is where stephen fry , a possible oscar nominee for his brilliant performance in " wilde , " pops up thanklessly ) , and in the meantime question the parents of the dead children , and then , unsuccessfully , the workers at the plant . they also find themselves clashing with a brilliant lawyer for the company , the eccentric jerome facher , played by robert duvall ( more on him later on ) . as we progress , we get so involved in the way the story is being told , which is engulfing everything around it , including the individual and brief stories of some of the townspeople ( one of the best is a bit with james gandolfini as an employee of the plant living across the street from kathleen quinland , who lost her child , who begins to have a personal crisis ) . things begin to go downhill for the lawyers in the second half , as they are up against impossible odds : the judge ( john lithgow ) is not only a strickler , but a pal of facher ; the employees of the plant are either afraid or to loyal to testify ; no concrete evidence is being found , depsite the money spent to find it ; and they are quickly running out of money . as macy mortgages everything he can , including their homes and their office , he slowly loses his sanity ( his meatiest role since , oh , " fargo " ) , and we the audience begin to feel a real loss of hope for our protagonist . in fact , the last half hour is such a change from the rest of the film and so unresolved that it has been widely panned as not being up to par ( owen gleiberman , especially , criticized the film for not being overly-dramatic . . . i suppose like a grisham novel ) . this wouldn't be so if the change in jan had not been handled the way it is : instead of having a change of heart and automatically being perceived as good , he's seen as being still full of bullshit . because he doesn't take stock in the cares of his partners , and causes them all to lose their money and noteriaty in the lawyer field because he wants to help the people of the town , he is instead seen as being of good nature but not sure how to bring that out . the final half tries to redeem this , as must have been the point of making this in zallian's mind , but what follows is a series of scenes where we merely see him making personal stands for his beliefs , and though he has changed considerably from the opening moments when he's seen speeding back and forth from the town that wishes to employ him ( and thusly receiving two speeding tickets ) , we still feel that the big change in his life is that he's not rich and esteemed anymore ( the film's final title card is witty but in all actuality shallow ) . the fault is not that there is no closure to the court case ( it's still going on , you know ) , but that its personal story feels like it needs either another chapter or another angle in the final one it has . we need to feel like the character has really made a big change in his life , and that the story is how a story of strife like the one of the town could inspire such a whopping change in his personal life . it only feels like half of that . maybe even less . and it's not travolta , who does a great job here ( though never to be a truly memorable performance of his ) , but rather zallian , whose final chapter needs a rewrite . up to then , though , it's an engrossing drama , one of the best of the year in fact , and one of the best lawyer films , period . the reason is because it recognizes that a court trial is not about those being defended or prosecuted , but rather it's about the lawyers , the knights who battle eachother . we learn that the company is almost positively to blame for the deaths in the town , but the reason it can't be blamed is because it has the best prosecution you can find . and duvall's facher is such a brilliant character and he does such a magnificent job at portraying that man that it's almost easy to overlook how subtley great he is . facher is seen as an elderly man , a goofy eccentric , carrying a broken brown bag with stickers on it , eating lunches out of paper bags , and making a point to take time out of his day to listen to the radio , and scold anyone who interupts him . but look deeper and you see a master at work : his evil and manipulative nature are hidden under the eccentricities that others don upon him , and it's difficult as hell to clearly generalize him in any way . that's why i liked this film : it's hard to put a pointer on . you can never see exactly where this film will land , and even when the credits roll , you still aren't sure what to make of it . call it the zallian effect . same thing happened with " schindler's list " ( not that i'm comparing oskar schindler to jan schlictman ) . each film is so greatly crafted that you can't help but get involved in its broad storytelling , interesting characters , and , most peculiarly , the wit that comes along with it . if only it felt totally complete ( like , say , " schindler's list , " though at this point it may be unfair to make comparisons between the two ) , it might have been one of the best films of the year , and along with that , a full breath of fresh air . the seasoned capt . dudley smith ( james cromwell ) questions his new protege , ed exley ( guy pearce ) about his political views when it comes to police work . " would you plant evidence to get a conviction if you knew the person to be guilty ? would you shoot a man in the back if you knew that it was the only way to make sure he got what he deserved ? " exley , squeaky clean , innocent , and pent with the desire to perform his new duties with integrity and honesty quickly answers with a pointed 'no . ' stunned , smith pleads , " then , for the love of god , don't be a detective . " la confidential is a dandy piece of filmmaking that brings us back to the classic times of hollywood in the 50s . organized crime was the biggest concern , corruption existed everywhere , and every cop had his own way of getting the job done . there was " hollywood " jack vincennes ( kevin spacey ) who gets most of his information from the editor of a sleazy tell-all/show-all tabloid , sid hudgeons ( danny devito ) . sporting dark sunglasses and a white sports coat , he isn't afraid to flash his tinseltown style . detective bud white ( russell crowe ) has only a narrow-minded view of the law , and he uses excessive force to exact his unique kind of interrogation and brutal justice . and then there is golden boy exley , wide-eyed and ambitious but extremely naive . a horrible multiple murder begins to draw these three men together , each of whom become inexorably connected in their search for truth , action , and personal vindication . almost immediately , an arrest is made . but something doesn't seem quite right . new developments become sinuous as the story begins to draw us deeper into the labyrinth of corruption and crime within the department . suspicion and questions begin to mount . odd alliances are created . and as layers of the truth become revealed , the story grows more complex and intriguing by the moment . when the mystery expands , we see other seemingly guilty characters enter the lives of these three cops , including a high-priced hooker ( kim basinger ) and a shady millionaire ( david strathairn ) . all of the characters' levels of involvement are not immediately clear . we watch with riveted fascination to learn more about why they are there and their stake in the case . we sense a cross-pollination of clues that brings us , the audience , closer to the truth . we hope that the three detectives can throw away their spite for one another and can pull their resources together in order to untangle the intricately created web of mystery . absorbing and affecting , this movie has all the necessary ingredients to create a terrific gourmet serving of film noir . it boasts mysterious figures in control , double-crosses , hard information from sleazy sources , dirty politicians , corrupt cops , haunting women , and hard-nosed cops experiencing moral ambiguity . the underlying mystery is compelling . the look and feel of the movie is gorgeous . the entire cast is crisp and wonderful to watch ( i wouldn't be surprised if cromwell received an oscar nomination for his performance ) . and , the dialogue is rich and memorable . the best line of the movie is spoken when a key player dispenses advice to one of the detectives unsure of what to do . " don't start trying to do the right thing , boy-o , " says he . " you haven't had the practice . " " l . a . confidential'' triumphantly achieves the rare gift of complexity and coherence while satisfying our desire for a good old-fashioned movie . aliens ! ! well , that is what this movie is about . computer generated aliens . ok , the movie is not just about computer generated aliens . it's about computer generated aliens and a secret organization known as mib . if one wasn't green and running around the other would not exist as it's known . the computer graphics in this movie are spectacular , they make you want to believe that aliens like the ones depicted exits . since seeing this movie i have to agree concede that denis rodman is an alien , he simply has to be . well , in all seriousness the aliens created here are not only of the monster variety but are also of the soft , squishy and cuddly kind . just adds something of a lighter note to the movie where it could have become very dark . along with aliens comes the humor and in a pretty decent way . j , well soon to be j , a smart ass cop ( played by will smith ) runs down what he thinks is a would-be villain and gets some attention from the mib and k in particular . k aims to recruit our poor j , but that is not the whole point of this movie . the main duty of the mib is to police the extra terrestrials on earth who have chosen it as a home or a refuge . that's also the main point of this movie : protect the earth from the scum of the galaxy . some of the scum from space is awfully bad and just down right nasty . color commentary abounds when forced to deal with alien scum and none other than will smith and tommy lee jones are there to deliver the punch . the dialogue is witty to say the least . this wittiness lets the movie flow well from scene to scene developing the characters to the extent needed for this movie . tommy lee jones ( as k ) and will smith ( as j ) provide both the action and the comedy beautifully . the characters they play don't seem to be wrong in any way nor does their performance as them . i would have to say that k is more amusing than j , but what's one without the other . both roles complemented each other very well and the script seemed to be written for these two actors . the story also goes deep enough to provide a proper background so the audience is not totally clueless . altogether good performances were put in by all the cast and the director blended everything marvelously with the necessary special effects to create a good movie . a movie well worth seeing if you are up for some lighthearted and witty humor . as most movies have their good things they also have their bad things . the character development in this movie was not all that grand because it didn't need to be . but if there was more character development and if there was some development of the alien characters that might have added quite considerable to the movie . especially the evil alien , he did need some work . though this could have been worked on , the movie was what it proposed to be a rather shallow and witty comedy . that was achieved rather well , with some interesting commentary and observations . a movie worth a view , but keep in mind what the movie is and if you are not fond of will smith's form of humor then i wouldn't go . originally written after original release . totally rewritten december 26 , 1997 in the opening shot of midnight cowboy , we see a close-up of a blank movie screen at a drive-in . we hear in the soundtrack human cries and the stomping of horses' hooves . without an image projected onto the screen , the audience unerringly identifies the familiar sound of cowboys chasing indians and can spontaneously fill in the blank screen with images of old westerns in our mind's eye . even without having seen a cowboys and indians movie , somehow the cliched images of them seem to have found their way into our mental schema . but do cowboys really exist , or are they merely hollywood images personified by john wayne and gary cooper ? exploring this theme , director john schlesinger uses the idea of the cowboy as a metaphor for the american dream , an equally cliched yet ambiguous concept . is the ease at which salvation and success can be attained in america a hallmark of its experience or an urban legend ? midnight cowboy suggests that the american dream , like image of the cowboy , is merely a myth . as joe buck migrates from place to place , he finds neither redemption nor reward in his attempt to create a life for himself , only further degeneration . during the opening credits , joe walks past an abandoned theater whose decrepit marquee reads `john wayne : the alamo . ' as joe is on the bus listening to a radio talk show , a lady on the air describes her ideal man as `gary cooper ? but he's dead . ' a troubled expression comes across joe's face , as he wonders where have all the cowboys gone . having adopted the image of a cowboy since youth , joe now finds himself deserted by the persona he tried to embody . joe's persistence in playing the act of the cowboy serves as an analogue to his american dream . he romanticizes about making it in the big city , but his dreams will desert him as he is forced to compromise his ideals for sustenance . by the end of midnight cowboy , joe buck loses everything and gains nothing . just as the audience can picture cowboys chasing indians on a blank screen , we can also conjure up scenes from pretty woman as paradigms of american redemption and success . but how realistic are these ideals ? joe had raped and been raped in texas . the scars of his troubled past prompt him to migrate to new york , but he does not know that his aspirations to be a cowboy hero will fail him there just as they had in texas . alongside the dream of success is the dream of salvation . the ability to pack up one's belongings and start anew seems to be an exclusive american convention . schlesinger provides us with strong hints as to joe's abusive and abused past with flashbacks of improper relationships with crazy anne and granny . we understand that joe adopts the fa ? ade of a cowboy , a symbol of virility and gallantry , as an attempt to neutralize his shame . he runs from his past only to be sexually defiled this time by his homosexual experiences in new york . in the scene at the diner which foreshadows joe's encounter with the gay student , joe buck spills ketchup on himself . standing up , we see the ketchup has made a red stain running from the crotch of his pants down his thigh . schlesinger visually depicts the degeneration of joe's virility by eliciting an image of bleeding genitals , signifying emasculation . beyond the symbol of castration , the scene may also connote the bleeding of a virgin's first sexual encounter , a reference to joe's first homosexual liaison . the fact that the idea of a bleeding virgin is relegated only to females furthers the imagery of joe's emasculation . it is ironic that joe has trouble prospecting for female clients , but effortlessly attracts men . joe believes his broncobuster getup is emblematic of his masculinity ; new yorkers see his ensemble as camp and `faggot stuff . ' there are two predominant images of new york . the first is that new york is the rich , cosmopolitan city where hope and opportunity are symbolized by the tall skyscrapers and the statue of liberty . the other new york is travis bickle's new york , a seedy , corruptive hell on earth . joe envisions new york as the former , but is presented with the latter . mirroring the irony in which joe envisions his cowboy attire as masculine , he mistakenly buys into the fable that new york is filled with lonely women neglected by gay men . joe thinks he is performing a great service for new york , but the city rapes him of his pride and possessions . the people steal joe's money , the landlord confiscates his luggage , and the homosexuals rob him of his dignity . what has become of joe's american dream ? schlesinger responds to this question with the scene at the party . joe gets invited to a shindig of sorts and at the gathering is exposed to a dizzying array of food , drugs , and sex . at the party , all of joe and ratzo's desires are made flesh ; joe flirts successfully with women and ratzo loads up on free salami . contrasting joe's daily struggles , shots of warhol's crew display wanton indulgence . there is an irreverence in the partygoers' attitude ; we see a shot of a woman kowtowing to nothing in particular , orgies breaking out in the periphery , and drugs passed around like party favors . the party makes a mockery of joe' s ideals . joe believed that hard work and persistence were the elements for success in america ; scenes of the party and his rendezvous with shirley suggest that it is the idle who profit from joe's toils . the american dream , schlesinger suggests , is merely a proletarian fantasy , for those who are content no longer dream , but become indolent . as joe heads to miami , all that was significant of the cowboy image has left him . his masculinity is compromised and his morality is relinquished . for joe , nothing is left of the cowboy hero and commensurately , he surrenders the identity . tossing his boots into the garbage , he returns to the bus for the last leg of his journey to miami . the final shot of midnight cowboy shows joe inside the bus , more introspective , taking only a few glances outside the window . instead of the frequent pov shots of joe excitedly looking out of the bus on his way to new york , schlesinger sets up this final shot from the exterior of the bus looking in through the window at joe . reflections of the palm trees ratzo so raved about run across the bus' window with joe hardly taking notice . the scenery of miami no longer exacts the same excitement from joe as before . the world seems smaller to joe now ; the termination of his journey coincides with the termination of his american dream . no longer does joe aspire to be the enterprising gigolo ; he resolves to return to a normal job and resign to basic means . midnight cowboy presents two familiar incarnations of the american dream . there is the frontier fantasy that if you are brave enough to repel a few indians , you can set up a ranch out west and raise a beautiful family . then there is the jay gatsby dream that a man of humble stock , with perseverance , can make a fortune in the big city . joe's attempt to realize these dreams robs him of his innocence in texas and morality in new york . during his search for an intangible paradise , joe ends up raping a girl and killing a man . an allegory of chasing the promise of the american dream , joe buck's progressive moral atrophy is a warning against the pursuit of illusory icons . metro i've seen san francisco in movies many times . there was 1994's interview with the vampire and most recently the rock . now , yet again , san francisco is the setting for this movie . eddie murphy stars as inspector scott roper of the sfpd . he is their top hostage negotiator , and the very best at what he does . when his best friend on the force is killed by joe ( michael wincott , in a terrific performance ) , a psychotic , demented jewel thief , roger makes it his mission to capture the guy before he strikes again . meanwhile , roper tries to rekindle a relationship with his british ex-girlfriend veronica , while helping to rear a new up and comer from swat who's an expert sniper and marksman ( michael rappaport ) . despite the obligatory cop movie scenes ( does every cop/new partner movie have to start the same way ? ) where the sgt . assigns roper a partner , roper confronts the sarge , etc . , this film is still one heck of an explosive ride . a scene involving a cable car has to be seen to be believed , and boasts some amazing car stunts . eddie murphy shines in this tailor-made role , and for once , his character shows depth and concern . when confronting joe in prison , you can feel the anger drip from every word . michael rappaport is basically throwaway . he serves no purpose , except to be buddy to murphy and get disabled in the final reel so that eddie can save the day . typical action escapist fare . michael wincott offers the best performance as the crazed killer and jewel thief joe . never before have i seen such a villian written like this where i could actually believe that he was serious and take him seriously . maybe i just thought that this role was different due to wincott's perfectly raspy voice . i don't know . what i do know , though , is that although metro is basically a typical action retread , it manages to cover new ground and shed new light on tired old cliches' . the film is a triumph , and an entertaining one at that . it doesn't meander or trail off from its main character . an enjoyable two hours , metro is enjoyable , witty , action-packed , and fun , and makes for a great action movie that's perfect for all of us that need an escape from reality . susan granger's review of " hearts in atlantis " ( castle rock/warner bros . ) timing is everything , and the timing just seems right for this poignant psychological drama that combines the coming-of-age nostalgia of " stand by me " with the mystical power of " the green mile . " based on stephen king stories adapted by screenwriter william goldman and directed by scott hicks , it's set in 1960 in harwich , connecticut , where fatherless 11 year-old bobby garfield ( anton yelchin ) lives in a boarding house with his resentful , self-centered mother ( hope davis ) . he's devoted to his neighborhood friends ( mika boorem , will rothhaar ) but his pivotal relationship is with a strange , new tenant , ted brautigan ( anthony hopkins ) who opens the world of literature to him after his selfish mother refuses to buy him a birthday gift and hands him , instead , a library card . knowing he's longing for a schwinn bike , ted offers to pay him $1 a week to read him the local newspaper and keep his eyes peeled for signs of the malevolent , ominous low men who are chasing him to exploit his special powers . the story structure consists of one long flashback , framed by the present , featuring the adult bobby ( david morse ) , minimizing the supernatural elements while emphasizing the human drama hopkins' mysterious character is genteel , sensitive and benignly seductive . the only explanation is that he's a psychic who is wanted by the fbi to aid in their hunt for communists and even that seems appropriate , given the inexplicable state of the world right now . the production values and performances are solid , particularly hopkins - arguably the finest , most versatile actor of our era - and the children with whom he forges a firm bond . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " hearts in atlantis " is a wistful , enigmatic 8 , evolving with subtle power to an emotionally effective catharsis . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . floating life , australia's first-ever submission to the academy of motion picture arts & sciences for consideration in the best foreign language film category ( its dialogue is in cantonese , english , and german ) , marks a special accomplishment by clara law . a compelling , at times poignant film , it manages to maintain its truthfulness while teetering between comedy and melodrama . floating life centers around a hong kong family's sense of dislocation and loss of identity after moving to australia in order to avoid the communist takeover of hong kong , and is divided into clearly defined vignettes , each chapter labelled with title cards pertaining to houses , which serves to emphasize the film's theme of family . the film opens with mr . and mrs . chan ( edwin pang , cecilia fong sing lee ) and their two teen sons ( toby wong , toby chan ) leaving the bustling , claustrophobic metropolis of hong kong to join their second daughter bing ( annie yip ) in australia . with their spacious , immaculately-white new house and the vast abundance of neighbourhood greenery , the chans initially find this serene new land a strange and wonderous one , and - with neurotic bing cooly remarking about the possible dangers of australian life ( killer dogs , poisonous spiders , dangerous ultraviolet rays ) - a frightening one . this sets up a wonderfully amusing scene early in the film where the four immigrants , aimlessly ambling about their new suburban neighbourhood , are sent scrambling by the yelps of a little white puppy . the tone set up early in the film is broadly comic , and one expects floating life to depict the clash of cultures as the chans struggle to acclimatize themselves to the new ways of australian life as they integrate themselves into australian society ( a scene where the two teen sons meet up with a sunbathing neighbourhood girl is left dangling ) , but the film suddenly veers towards an introspective and melodramatic tone . floating life shifts its focus away from the exploits of the new immigrants and towards bing's domineering of her newly-reunited family , setting out a set of stringent and oppressive rules which create tremendous tension within the household and threaten to fracture the family . meanwhile , elder daughter yen ( annette shun wah ) , happily settled in germany with her husband and young daughter , begins to suffer an identity crisis , manifesting itself with her claims to her patiently exasperated husband that their new home is cursed with bad feng shui , and further exacerbated upon hearing of the familial conflict down under . among the dramatic threads of floating life , this is perhaps the most effective and engaging , with an interesting set of characters and a storyline which generates a genuine emotional punch . the one misguided vignette in floating life involves eldest son gar ming ( anthony wong ) , left behind in hong kong to resolve various affairs on behalf of his family and to await his immigration papers before rejoining his parents and brothers in australia . emotionally detatched and aimlessly drifting , his is an uncompelling character , and consequently subsequent attempts to draw out pathos are uninvolving and ineffective . his desperate search for emotional fulfillment is depicted by philosopical droning on the exquisite peak of an orgasm , which quickly becomes tedious . ms . law's film cheerfully embraces melodrama - each of the major vignettes feature excessively emotional climaxes which i couldn't help but find reminiscent to wayne wang's acutely unsubtle the joy luck club - but despite the director's rather clear attempts to tug at the heartstrings , i couldn't help but be touched by a powerful and affecting soliloquy delivered masterfully by cecilia fong sing lee which truly packs an emotional wallop and , in dramatic terms , is certainly the highlight of floating life . floating life at times spreads itself too thin ; given the myriad of characters involved , it could either stand to delve into each vignette a little deeper , or narrow its focus to a select group of key characters . however , it is a fine film , with a thoughtful and insightful screenplay by clara law and husband eddie ling-ching fong , and some superb acting by a cast consisting almost exclusively of non-actors ( special note is to be made of cecilia fong sing lee , annette shun wah , and a short but dazzling performance by an actress who portrayed gar ming's girlfriend from vancouver ) . floating life is ultimately about the ties that bond a family together , which are able to withstand great distances and new environments . plot : a peculiar french girl grows up lonely with her father and doesn't quite know what she wants out of life . one day , she falls upon something , and believes that her ticket to happiness may be in helping others . she starts with the people around her , but when she suddenly falls for her own guy , she can't act strongly enough because of her shy and dreamy nature . critique : a clever , quirky , original french flick set in a picturesque paris , featuring an endearing lead with a giant imagination , much loneliness and a little bit of love for everyone . this is a " feel-good " kind of movie , a fairy tale for grown-ups who are bummed out about life . it doesn't pretend to be deep , it doesn't weigh itself down with long expositions or intricate studies of its characters , it's basically just a " cute movie " in the same vein as chocolat and pay it forward , with some amazing visuals and incredibly nice intentions ( and if chocolat was somehow able to nab an oscar nomination for best picture last year ( a sham on so many different levels ) , you might as well slap this film up for consideration also , since it's quite a bit better and much more original than the former ) . one thing that this film isn't though , at least according to me , is the best film of the year ( it was bestowed the honor of " best " in at least 3 different film festivals so far this year ) . it actually managed to stagnate a little bit about halfway through and it just went on for way too long ( it's a little over two hours but it felt even longer ) , with much of the second half of the movie devoted to many different characters , all of whom weren't as interesting as the lead , and a lot of indecisiveness from ms . amelie herself , which got frustrating . thankfully , this film doesn't bog itself down with too much of that stuff , and actually goes out of its way to invent new ways to shoot scenes , to integrate moments of fantasy into its fabric and to transport the audience inside the imagination of this kind-hearted french girl . on the whole , it's a lot of fun and it carries a beautiful message of love and support for your fellow man . the lead , audrey tautou , is perfect for the role , and gives you enough moments of truth to develop her character into someone that you care about by the end of the film . unfortunately , the rest of the cast isn't as well-developed , and even though most of them are pretty appealing , a couple could've been left out to save time and at least one was left stranded plot-wise , by the film's end ( what happened to the guy in the caf ? who was spying on his ex-girlfriend the whole movie ? ) . now i haven't seen too many recent french films , i will admit , but if this is the kind of " scene " that they're developing over in " le pays du vin " , i wouldn't mind catching more of their flicks in the future ( crimson rivers was another french film that i saw earlier this year , which i really liked- ironically , that film was directed by mathieu kassovitz , who is the co-star in this film ) . granted , the english subtitles got a little tough to keep up with at times ( i speak and understand french also , but some of the local colloquialisms went over my head ) , especially since the film's visuals were so intriguing that you just couldn't help but constantly gawk at them , but the general idea , the background music , the nifty french neighborhoods , the very creative way of enveloping the audience into the story-line from the start , were all very easy to appreciate , and i for one was especially glad to have seen this movie during these trying times in the world . in fact , i'd recommend it to anyone looking for a jolly ol' time at the movie house , with a particular emphasis on folks with a lot of imagination , a little loneliness in their lives and many dreams in their hearts . and this guy directed alien : resurrection ? get outta here ! ! note : i especially loved the way that the script detailed and showed the loves/hates of everyone with exact mentions in the film . it was very original , very well shot and very nostalgic , as many of us were able to relate to the behaviors described . good stuff ! where's joblo coming from ? chocolat ( 6/10 ) - crimson rivers ( 8/10 ) - ghost world ( 9/10 ) - like water for chocolate ( 8/10 ) - o brother , where art thou ( 7/10 ) - pay it forward ( 5/10 ) - rushmore ( 9/10 ) - woman on top ( 7/10 ) eric rohmer's " pauline at the beach , " is one of those small , deliberately paced , but charming foreign films in which not much happens plot wise , but a lot happens to the characters emotionally . the film takes place during a few weeks of august at the normandy coast , and centers on six different characters , primarily pauline ( amanda langlet ) , a wise beyond her years 15-year-old who has come to stay for the summer with her older cousin , marion ( arielle dombasle ) . on the first day at the beach , marion runs into an old high school flame ( fedoore atkine ) , and although he wants to rekindle their relationship , she is more interested in an older , more seductive womanizer ( pascal greggory ) , who is also secretly having an affair with a candy vendor ( rosette ) . while pauline watches as an outsider at what is happening between all of the adults , she forms a relationship of her own with a young teenage boy ( simon de la brosse ) . " pauline at the beach , " is not a film in which big dramatic things occur , and there is not a clear-cut , tidy conclusion to the story . instead , it is a picture that simply observes its characters in every day life , and the surprises come from little character details . the film is quite talky and slow moving , and so it is pretty safe to say it isn't for those who are only a fan of action movies , but is a treat for those viewers who often like to venture outside of the big-budget genre and see a good art film . this is the first film by acclaimed director eric rohmer ( 1969's " my night at mauds , " and 1971's " claire's knee " ) that i have seen , but his direction is assured and intelligent , as is the screenplay , which he also wrote . " pauline at the beach , " is a film worth seeing . after a rather disappointing " mary railly " , stephen frears is now officially back in business with a comeback worthy of praise . this is one of the best surprises of this season -- a sweet , small budget comedy with a big heart . in fact it's not even a comedy . it's a drama or even more precise -- a clever satire on human relationships and needs . based on a 1995 critically acclaimed novel by british author nick hornby , ``high fidelity'' is a wry and likable story about a man's quest for fulfillment and happiness . rob gordon was a dj . it seems that he could make everything spin -- except his own life . now he owns championship vinyl , a little musical store , somewhere in new york . when he suddenly gets dumped by his girlfriend , a gorgeous blond attorney , life suddenly looses every purpose . decimated , humiliated and on the verge of a mental ( and emotional ) breakdown , he starts meditating over his life and the way it could have been -- about what's right and what's important . he starts " categorizing " life , dividing it into " top 5 lists " . and the most important is the " top 5 list " over the most painful breakups of his life , starting with 5th grade , when he found his young girlfriend with another boy . though you might think that people change , grow more mature with age , it just doesn't seem that way and all rob's relationships were different versions of that first . where did he go wrong ? was it he that screwed up ? or maybe life just stinks ? while he is lost in his own self-pity , he must think of the " top 5 list " over his needs for the future , find the right elements and mix his life together . with clever parallels to the cult of celebrity , music and with incredibly direct narration , it addresses the average audience member , in other words -- people like you and me . although a lot of this honor should be addressed to the screenwriter ______ and frears , the director , the acting is equally important as the written word . and here john cusack should absolutely be mentioned . he is simply superb . it is as much his movie as it is frears' . the film would not be the same without him . cusack -- whose character is sadder , wiser and 35 -- brings intelligence and warmth to post- mod irony . most of his dialogue is delivered directly to the camera -- not an easy task -- but cusack pulls it off . his interpretation feels so emotionally right , so incredibly realistic and precise that frears' message simply can't be ignored or overseen . the other members of the cast do an equally remarkable job . both ______ and jack black are fabulous . even catherine zeta jones appears in a role where she actually acts , not just looks beautiful . however , the most unexpected pleasant surprises is provided by todd louiso who delivers a spectacular comic performance as rob's co-worker and friend dick . this is such an impressive achievement that it's almost worth a oscar-nomination . he is simply a joy to behold . otherwise , everyone are in their place , and at the right time -- all part of frears' colorful blend . pretty much like edward norton's " keeping the faith " , this film doesn't follow any formula or belong to any genre -- it's dramatic , tragic , sarcastic , comic and even cynical , but never bitter or angry . it's a little bit of everything , pretty much like life itself . nothing seems unreal or staged . it reflects reality as a mirror . as you watch it , you go through the same emotional problems as the main character . you feel and think and reflect . this effect has become a rarity nowadays . although it's primarily about the perils of love , ``high fidelity'' is secondarily about pop music . rob owns championship vinyl and his employees , timid dick ( todd louiso ) and overbearing barry ( jack black ) , are fellow music snobs . music is the language in their lives , the measure by which they define themselves and mark the significant events of their lives . and so does the movie . it is as much a musical film as anything else , as rob's journey is wonderfully portrayed through carefully inserted musical fragments . in the end , you have gained something while watching it . it's not the film of the century or even of the year . it's not an special effects extravaganza . it doesn't require big explosions or digital creatures to succeed . it's a small movie about the big things . and even though it does not contain heavy philosophy , you feel as if you have experienced something of significance , and you will experience that nice warm feeling for quite some time . plot : a group of asbestos cleaners get a job removing the gunk from an old insane asylum . as each day passes , the crew members begin to discover things about the place and themselves which set other things in motion . saying anything else about the plot would be a crime . have fun . . . critique : " i feel like shooting myself in the head " are the first words that came out of my mouth after seeing this movie , a good indication as to what kind of film to expect here . this ain't your average " happy go lucky " kind of picture . this is a deliberately slow-paced mystery-horror film drenched in atmosphere , with a very creepy insane asylum ( in which most of the film takes place ) , very few clues up-front and lots to talk about afterwards . will it bore some people to sleep ? you bet it will ! is it made for the scream audiences of the day ? absolutely not ! i guess you can describe this film as a horror movie for the " cerebral crowd " . a film that patiently unwraps itself frame after frame , giving away very little with each step and each sound , unwinding itself until its final scenes offer up a world of revelations and plenty more to discuss later . i've always loved movies that have me talking about them afterwards like the shining and lost highway and this film fits right into that group . in fact , i guess i can pussyfoot around the actual word all i want but the best way to describe this kind of movie is a " mindfuck " . if you feel like watching a movie that moves very slowly , gives you a handful of characters with divergent backgrounds , tosses a few very ambiguous and supernatural cookies your way and is extremely disturbing once you put it all together , well , then this movie is definitely for you ! it's the kind of film that you actually have to see twice to fully appreciate ( damn , i missed that whole " peanut butter " thing ! ) and one that will likely creep the shit out of you if watched alone in the dark . " brrrrrrrrr . . . now what was that sound in the basement ? honey , can you go check ? " and one thing this film doesn't have , unlike its hollywood-ian counterparts like the haunting , is special effects . in fact , that's one of the greater things about this movie : it feels real because it looks like it's actually taped on video with very credible actors in very credible circumstances ( i did some research and it was , in fact , shot on digital video . . . ah-ha ! ) . another great thing about it is that it's actually very gory and somewhat violent in theme , and yet we rarely see anything of the sort on the big screen ( it's mostly implied , kids ! ) . and as clich ? d as it might be to say . . . it's usually much scarier when stuff is left to our imagination or implied in movies as such . other films that this one reminded me of include henry : portrait of a serial killer and the blair witch project , with that same real sense of dread , brooding and terror . the film does however move awfully slow and if you really don't get " into " it completely ( you really need to concentrate here ) , you will lose the motion of the story and the pent-up tension might be released . but overall , this film is yet another great example of the horror genre making a very cool comeback this year with no tight tanktops in sight . and with david caruso acting like the king hotshot like only he can , how can you go wrong ? definitely not a film for everyone but a must-see for anyone looking to throw themselves into the psyche of the disturbed ( count me in ! ) . stanley kubrick would be proud ! oh yeah . . . so where's that gun again . . . ? where's joblo coming from ? the blair witch project ( 4/10 ) - blair witch 2 ( 7/10 ) - the haunting ( 3/10 ) - the house on haunted hill ( 7/10 ) - lost highway ( 10/10 ) - the pledge ( 6/10 ) - the shining ( 9/10 ) - the sixth sense ( 8/10 ) - unbreakable ( 8/10 ) hedwig and the angry inch ( 2001 ) john cameron mitchell , miriam shor , stephen trask , michael pitt , theodore liscinski , michael aronov , andrea martin , maurice dean wint , ben mayer-goodman . animation by emily hubley . adapted from the stage play by john cameron mitchell and stephen trask . music and lyrics by stephn trask . written and directed by john cameron mitchell . 91 minutes . rated r , stars ) had " hedwig and the angry inch " came out in the '70s , right after david bowie's " ziggy stardust , " it likely would now be regarded as one of the most popular rock musicals of all time . released in the 500 channel , sensory overload world of 2001 , however , the big screen adaptation of the acclaimed off-broadway musical must do battle with countless other productions clamoring for attention . i almost missed it . every august , the major studios try to squeeze the last few dollars out of summer moviegoers by dumping all of their shakier offerings on the marketplace at once . i was so busy trying to keep up with national releases like " summer catch " and " bubble boy " that i passed over any independent film that looked like it would only have a short local run . but an e-mail from a reader asking why i hadn't reviewed the movie prompted me to make a late evening trip to the theater . thank goodness for readers like him . " hedwig and the angry inch " is a gender-bending glam-rock spectacular packed with great songs . stylistically , the hook-laden tunes are reminiscent of bowie , " bat out of hell " era meatloaf and " the rocky horror show , " without ever seeming like imitations . as with " tommy , " " hedwig " tells a story of isolation , pain and defiance , but without the bloated feel of that beloved , but overrated rock opera . writer-director-star john cameron mitchell and composer-lyricist stephen trask have cooked up a real winner . mitchell stars as hedwig , a singer from east berlin touring a chain of u . s . coffee shops with her pan-slavic band , the angry inch . while the patrons of the run-down restaurants look on in shock , and sometimes horror , hedwig boldly tells the sad story of her life in song . she was once a boy named hansel ( ben mayer-goodman ) , living with his mother ( alberta watson ) and listening to rock and roll on american armed forces radio . life is an exercise in duality for hansel . a wall splits his hometown into two parts . mother describes love as the emotion that comes when you find your other half . as hansel grows up , the duality becomes more pronounced . after initially mistaking him for a girl , a gi from the states ( maurice dean wint ) falls in love with hansel and wants to marry him . alas , hansel will never pass the mandatory physical . mother helpfully suggests a sex change , but the operation goes bad , hence the references to " the angry inch " ( yes , i know this part is squirm-inducing , but stick with me - it's worth it ) . several years later , mr . right is long gone and hansel becomes hedwig , decked out in a farrah fawcett-style wig and fronting a band made up of korean women . hedwig finds a new love in tommy ( michael pitt ) , a beatific lad with a unique take on christianity . but tommy does hedwig wrong , stealing her songs and becoming a superstar . cut to the present . tommy gnosis' stadium tour is thriving and hedwig is suing him . despite warnings from her manager ( andrea martin ) that she could easily be labeled a stalker , hegwig and her new band , the angry inch , continue their coffee shop tour , shadowing the thief by playing whatever city he is in . if this sounds like a bizarre premise for a rock musical , take a few seconds and consider the plotlines of " tommy " and " rocky horror . " as hedwig , john cameron mitchell does a magnificent job taking a character that could have simply been a caricature or an icon and turning her into a compelling human being . mitchell has world-class style and vocal chords to match . even though the backstory is unusually strong , mitchell never forgets that the production is first and foremost a rock musical . everything is propelled by one terrific song after another and , trust me , these are full-fledged rock songs , not the over-processed fluff that passes for rock in most musicals . while mitchell remains in the center of the stage throughout the film , there is much of interest on the sidelines . miriam shor does fine work as yitzhak , hedwig's lover and bandmate , conveying a great deal through expressions alone . decked out in a bandanna and a surprisingly convincing beard , she makes a mighty attractive man . as always , " sctv " veteran andrea martin is a welcome presence onscreen and michael pitt is beguiling as tommy , the angelic-appearing little rat . artist emily hubley adds to the magic with a string of dandy animated sequences that charm the eye while underlining the central themes of the musical . " hedwig and the angry inch " surrounds a weird , funny and touching story with a knockout series of songs performed by an exceptional cast . true originals do not come along very often ? don't let this slip out of town without seeing it . with many big-budget science fiction films , great ideas are often wasted by bad scripts , cheesy plot twists , and , terrible acting . the fifth element , the abyss , and godzilla had great concepts squandered by bad acting , writing , or both . at first glance , the matrix , larry & andy wachowski's sci-fi/kung-fu/shoot-em-up spectacular , looks like a prime candidate to join the list of high-concept bad movies , especially with dopey keanu reeves in the leading role . but despite high levels of cheese and gaudy dialogue , the matrix works . it's an uncanny blend of action and surreal fantasy that borrows from dozens of other films ( most obviously the terminator films , star wars , and total recall ) , but remains refreshingly original and interesting throughout . reeves plays neo , a computer hacker who stumbles into an initially bewildering set of encounters with " trinity " ( carrie-anne moss ) , a rival hacker who has supernatural powers and stunning good looks , a unseen , omniscient cult figure known as " morpheus " ( lawrence fishburne ) , and a trio of creepy men in dark suits who act like irs agents from hell . neo quickly learns that the world he has known all his life is not what it seems . moreover , he discovers that the grim , bleak world he is introduced to has been waiting for him to save it . neo is reluctant to assume the role of messiah , with grave doubts that he is actually " the one " prophesized to come and save the world . reluctant or not , what follows is a mix of hong kong-style slow-motion shootouts , surreal dream sequences , high speed chases , and comic book kung-fu fights . the film also raises interesting philosophical questions about reality . how exactly do you know what is real and what is in your mind ? and if the real world were much harsher and grim than a fantasy one you were living in , would you want to face the true world or continue to live in a more comfortable illusion ? unfortunately , the matrix doesn't provide many answers to the questions it raises , but at least it puts some ideas behind all the explosions , shoot-outs , and flying roundhouse kicks . perhaps stealing the entire show in the matrix is australian actor hugo weaving , who plays agent smith , the leader of the creepy agents in sunglasses and suits who seem capable of being anywhere and doing anything to stop neo and friends from destabilizing the matrix . weaving's stony appearance , deadpan voice , and chilling comments put a grim human face on the haunting , evil technological force that controls the matrix . like robert patrick as the shapeshifting t-1000 terminator in terminator 2 : judgement day , weaving is more frightening than any monstrous alien or homicidal robot because , despite his power and seeming invincibility , he looks ordinary , even scrawny . weaving embodies his role with a memorably chilling presence . the film features some truly breathtaking special effects and stylish cinematography . it seems to be deliberately kitchy , with stylized fight sequences directed by hong kong stunt specialist wo ping that reportedly required months of martial arts training by the actors . in a few scenes , the posing and posturing is unintentionally funny . just seeing keanu reeves engaging in serious kung fu is a bit jarring . however , with the comic-book style and tone of the film , you can sustain willing disbelief long enough to enjoy the ride without losing patience . the matrix isn't a classic . its open-ended and confusing conclusion raises more questions than it answers . it fails to resolve many of its own plot twists and philosophical questions . it also relies on some conventional sentimentality to save the hero - the kind of shmaltzy feel-good goo that most of the film avoids . reportedly , the producers have high hopes for the film being the first in a trilogy and have already begun work on the story for the sequel . unfortunately , audiences deserve a little more than a vague sense that the story will continue in the future . the matrix is an fun , enjoyable diversion , like a big puff of cotton candy at a carnival . just don't be surprised half an hour later when you still feel a little hungry . " the deep end " uses a color palette of rich earth tones surrounded by a vast array of blues . alluring , attractive blues , but also icy and foreboding . after taking in their beauty , the eye seeks out the reassuring browns and greens , like a tired swimmer searching for the safety of land . the production works that way as well ? it pulls you in initially as a crisp , thoroughly-modern thriller , with clipped exchanges between defiantly non-communicative characters . but the real draw of the film is the submerged humanity of two key players as " the deep end " gradually reveals the melodramatic core beneath its ironic candy coating . spoiler alert : the following reveals the basic storyline . i believe the plot points are incidental , because the real rewards come in exploring the mindset of the main characters , but still , you should proceed at your own risk . with her husband tom , a naval officer , often away at sea , margaret hall ( tilda swinton ) holds down the fort , taking care of the children , beau ( jonathan tucker ) , paige ( tamara hope ) , and dylan ( jordon dorrance ) , while her father-in-law jack ( peter donat ) hovers in the background , always watching . the story opens with margaret leaving the family home in lake tahoe to storm a male strip club in reno . it seems that beau , her eldest , is having an affair with darby reese ( josh lucas ) , a disreputable sort 12 years his senior . margaret demands that darby leave her son alone , only to have the man smirk at her and announce he'll be glad to steer clear of beau ? for $5000 . back at home , she tries to talk about it all with her son , but the kid won't even confirm that he's gay , let alone discuss the issues she has with his boyfriend . he does , however , get attentive when she reveals darby's $5 , 000 offer , even as he maintains his sullen demeanor . late in the evening , darby shows up outside , tossing pebbles at beau's window like a schoolchild . the two meet by the water at the boathouse , where something important happens . i won't reveal what ; suffice to say we become aware of a significant fact that margaret does not . all of this happens in the first few minutes of the movie , by the way . within a day or so , margaret's life becomes even more complicated when a suave man named alec goran visnjic ) turns up with an explicit videotape documenting the sex life of beau and darby . he and his associate are willing to destroy the tape , once margaret coughs up $50 , 000 . oh , what's a mother to do ? end spoilers written , directed and produced by scott mcgehee and david siegel ( " suture " ) , " the deep end " is based on elisabeth sanxay holding's 1940's novel , " the blank wall , " which was also the source of the 1949 film , " the reckless moment . " i've neither read the book nor seen the movie , but i understand that the filmmakers changed some details . in holding's story , the " scandalous " relationship is between an older man and margaret's teen-age daughter . switching the gender makes the tale seem more contemporary , and it also raises questions about margaret's motives . many reviews of " the deep end " describe margaret as a mother ferociously protecting her son , but i wonder . consider this : margaret lives in a meticulously kept upscale home . her husband is absent most of the time and seems to be regarded as a larger-than-life figure . her father-in-law is constantly present , almost as if he is monitoring for his son . and when her husband does call , margaret is careful not to tell him about anything disturbing that is going on with the family . so is margaret a mother who accepts her son's sexual orientation and is simply trying to shield the young man from a lover she fears will take advantage of him ? or is she caretaker of a museum of upper middle class complacency , desperate to maintain the status quo so that everything will be postcard perfect when the old man returns from the sea ? you sort it out . regardless , the resonance of " the deep end " comes from two actors . goran visnjic , best known from the tv drama " er , " is striking as a blackmailer unlike any you've seen before . he engages margaret in a mesmerizing dance of protocol , chivalry and simmering eroticism . but the star of this show , without a doubt , is the remarkable tilda swinton . watch the shadings , depth , resource , vitality and understated sexuality she gives margaret and try to imagine the film without her . days after my second viewing of " the deep end , " i can still vividly picture her negotiating with villains , trying to connect with her son and diving into icy blue water . " the deep end " is an exceptional film and tilda swinton is the best part of it . warning ! : may contain some mild spoilers and offensive material . rated : r ( ! ) for sexual content , crude and sexual humor , and some nudity . . ( a mild r rating ) starring : rob schneider , oded fehr , eddie griffin , arija bareikis , amy poehler , norm mcdonald . running time : 88 minutes " deuce bigalow : male gigolo " is simply a hilarious good-natured comedy that may offend some , but underneath all it's crude humor and sexual content is a sweet little love story that is surprisingly involving . it isn't any kind of cinematic classic , but it's a very very funny comedy that keeps us entertained until the end credits which themselves are funny too . it has all it needs to be a breezy entertaining comedy : the acting is up to pace and some of the performances quite funny , the screenplay is witty and smart , and the whole story is sweet and cute . deuce bigalow ( rob schneider ) is your typically average guy : he cleans fish tanks for a living and gets an average of 10 bucks for it . though one might call him a loser , deuce gets a job he would never thought he would get . he gets to clean the tank for a male gigolo ( oded fehr ) and gets offered to watch over his place while he goes on a trip . trying to be like him he hangs upside down from a pole and accidentally pushes off the fishtank and burns his cabinets . the thing is now he has to try and find $6 , 000 dollars in three weeks to make sure everything looks right again . so he decides to go " man-whoring " and to his luck gets the oddest people on earth : an over-weight woman who decidedly wants to eat everything in site , a woman with narcolepsy who sleeps all the time , a woman who has sudden screaming outbursts , and a woman he can't stop thinking about . he charges $10 but he is willing to negotiate . from now on he is considered deuce bigalow : male gigolo . with non-stop laughs an a abundence of crude humor " deuce bigalow : male gigolo " is sometimes like last years hit " there's something about mary " that is offensive but very funny . the screenplay by harris goldberg and rob schneider himself is a smart , clever and witty screenplay that seems to have been written with care to make is so hilariously funny . the characters in the film are all actually likable especially " jabba lady " with her big body but soft heart . there are actually times in the movie where i fell out of my chair laughing so hard that my stomach was killing me . even though i thought " toy story 2 " and " being john malkovich " were the funniest of the year " deuce bigalow " follows right behind them . the directing by mike mitchell is fantastic and shows he took time on the film . rob schneider gives a surprisingly endearing performance and when his romance develops with one of his customers kate ( arija bareikis ) it is a sweet romance that we get involved in and actually like being involved in it . " deuce bigalow " is a good-natured film worth all the merit it can get . its not a classic or a masterpiece , it's just a comedy that we don't feel bad about watching . sure it may come off as offensive and may come off as dumb sometimes , but you cannot deny that it isn't funny . " deuce bigalow : male gigolo " is no disappointment . its a fast paced , entertaining sweet and hilarious comedy that may be destined to become a cult classic . fans of schneider will not be disappointed and fans of crude but nice comedies will not either . for some reason the film garnered an r rating but with no " f words " or extensive use of sexual content or explicit nudity i was really wondering why the film was r . a mild r to put it to the least , but even if your under 17 or above at least 13 this film is good enough for you to see . don't try to be one of those people who make so much of a film that they do not like it , just sit back , laugh and enjoy the movie . underrated movies are a common reoccurrence in show business today . 1998's 'hope floats' was extremely underrated and was one of the best movies of the year . we always get films that make big money at the box-office but critics and audiences pan on them . this year 'double jeopardy' is one of those films . critics are calling it predictable and worthless , audiences are disappointed with it and think it was a disappointment . but as i viewed 'double jeopardy' i found that it was a great movie , it has a surprising sense of humor and a big dose of heart , along with heart-pounding suspense and twists and turns here and there it certainly is a really good movie . the always wonderful ashley judd plays libby parsons , a woman with a seemingly normal life : a great loving husband , a beautiful son and a great friend . her husband nick parsons has made a surprise for her and is going to buy her the sailboat she has always wanted . after a night of bliss libby wakes up in the middle of the night to find blood all over her and all over the sailboat , her husband is missing and there is a bloody knife on deck . of course being in shock she picks it up and a coast guard comes over and sees her . however she isn't immediately ceased until they find out his life insurance was worth two-million dollars and they start to wonder rather she killed him for the money . she pleads not-guilty but is found guilty and sent to prison for six years . while making a phone call to her best friend who adopted her son for her and she hears him say hi to his dad , which makes libby's heart stop right there . she realizes she must get out and prove that he isn't dead , one of her cell-mates tells her that as long as she has been convicted of a crime she cannot be convicted of it again . which means she can shoot him in the middle of mardi gras and they cannot do anything about it . after she gets out she goes to a halfway house run by parole officer tommy lee jones . he is a man who has had his share of bad things . while out for the day she breaks into a school and tries to track down her kid and husband , leading up to some jaw-dropping twists that are both predictable and not . whatever happens the film was excellent to me . i found the writing well-written as well as the acting was great . ashley judd is such a talented and beautiful actress that she is a hero in a sort in this movie . even if you know what is going to happen in the end , you don't know how . this is one of those movies that you really do know what is going to happen , except you don't know how they are going to make it happen . it could be one way or another , it could be this way or that way . the movie is highly stylized and extremely well-made . it gets most of it's power from the two leads : ashley judd and tommy lee jones both give excellent performances . the characters are well-realized and believable and we feel libby's pain when she cannot see her child for 6 years . even though a lot of critics didn't like the film , i loved it . the director took his time making the movie , and put a lot of shadowing in the movie . i found it not to be boring at all and it's only flaw comes from some predictability . it moved at a fast pace , has suspense , humor , heart and great acting . it earns it's right to be a great movie and to me that's what it was . as fairy tales go , cinderella has to be one of the most famous . almost everyone knows it , well at least in north america . so it is natural that someone will try to make a movie out of it . it has been done before with varying results . this version of the story is both similar to the original and different at the same time . the basic story remains unchanged but , one thing that seems to vanish with this version , and that is all the fantastical elements of the story . there is no fairy god mother or anything even remotely of that nature . after the fantastical elements are stripped away what is left is a realistic believable rendition of the cinderella story and an interesting love story at the least . . unlike in the fairy tale , the prince plays a much larger part than just that of the masked ball at the end . the ? prince' , who happens to be the crown prince to the throne of france , meets 'cinderella' , known as danielle , on a few occasions , most coincidentally and he becomes smitten with her . although this seems to be a far cry from the traditional story it allows for the main plot to proceed with enough room for some imaginative story telling . . the story takes place in a renaissance setting ; in france , with leonardo da vinci providing some comic relief on more than one occasion . this addition of leonardo da vinci , was quite successful in that it added some color to the movie , since some of the roles are a bit stereotypical . for example the role that was scripted for the prince leaves a few things to be desired . for instance the character seems to be a bit too unstable and fickle , a crown prince should not be anything remotely like that . especially since he is portrayed to be in his mid twenties at the least and almost ready to take the throne . the characters of danielle ( cinderella ) played by drew barrymore , and that of the evil step mother , played by anjelica huston , are well developed and well played by the two women . although the part of danielle is a bit stretched it is not too unlikely and not totally unbelievable . the nuances of the character are brought out well by drew barrymore and from watching the movie it seems like she had fun making the movie . as a contrast the part of the evil step mother is clearly seen from the very beginning and is almost clique . but , anjelica huston seems to add a certain flair to the role that makes it suit the movie nearly perfectly . the actual story is fairly predictable since it is after all the basic story of cinderella , but there are more than enough twists in how the story is told to make it interesting and enjoyable . the acting is of high caliber and seems deserved of praise . all in all this movie takes you back into history , into a seemingly magical fairy land . but , don't get me wrong there is nothing but reality , it is just refreshing to watch a movie that is not based in a familiar setting with everyday familiar things happening . so although the story is basically familiar the world it is set in is not , and that adds a dimension to the film which in this humble reviewers opinion makes it worth seeing it stands as a moment one will not soon forget : a giant , green ogre flips through the pages of a cliche fairy tale , narrating it with every bit of dull inspiration that the story holds . this leads one to believe that this serves as the prologue to shrek , dreamworks' second computer animated feature , but in a pricelessly hilarious bit of cinema , a page of this tale serves as that ogre's toilet paper . from this opening moment , one can infer shrek's defying of all expectations regarding it as a standard , disney-esque fairy tale . although rampant moments of hilarity dot shrek , the true charm of the film lies in the bold elements of friendship , courage , and acceptance , excelled by outstanding direction , stunning actor voice work , and most importantly , a witty screenplay with more going on than meets the eye . while shrek features an abundance of humor related directly toward adults , positive friendship values aimed at younger children fulfill the storyline : shrek , the previously mentioned ogre , holds a position of absolute nothingness within his community . the jolly green giant meets a fellow outsider , known only as the donkey ( his species ) who talks , and although he remains reluctant to warm up to him for a good portion of time , shrek eventually comes to a mutual understanding with him by acknowledging their common state as outcasts of the world . the pair team up to retrieve princess fiona from a castle guarded by a dragon for the powerful lord farquaad , learning quite a bit about each other and themselves along the way . their friendship exhibits the core theme of the need for someone to lean on , exemplifying to any child who may witness the film that acting as an honest companion can unquestionably affect someone . shrek and donkey endure as supposed freaks of nature due only to their differences from others but cling to each other for support and guidance along their journey . courage demonstrates itself within two major storylines : along the journey to rescue fiona , donkey's immeasurable cowardice reveals itself . whether he encounters walking over a shaky bridge or living alone , donkey withholds fears that he continuously puts aside without self-acknowledgment . but the yapping donkey must face his phobias when presented with the giant , fire-breathing dragon guarding fiona ; either he dies from terror or he triumphs with courage . he wisely chooses courage by pretending as if no dangerous situation actually faces him , allowing the donkey to overcome a horror that likely only continued due to his insistence of them . secondly , upon shrek's and donkey's redeeming of princess fiona , the ogre finds the princess has plans for whomever saves her : to satisfy her desire for a ( human ) knight in shining armor . throughout this storyline , shrek faces his deep , perpetual misgivings of inhering as an ogre and struggles to determine how he will reveal his true identity to fiona . an ongoing struggle occurs between himself and his reluctance of the truth , but eventually , shrek courageously conquers his fear by telling the forbidden secret to fiona . children can realize from donkey and shrek that fear remains only as complicated as one makes it ; if one sets his/her mind to overcoming something in particular , endless possibilities exist . after the friendships and courage prevail , the three central characters at the heart of shrek must take one more stretch of development : acceptance . surprisingly , fiona holds a dark secret of her own : due to a spell cast upon her years ago , she transforms into an ogre by night . in this storyline , fiona must learn to hold acceptance for herself , and she must realize what beauty truly means : to simply act as one's self . upon fiona's learning of shrek's desire to pursue a relationship with her , fiona , knowing that acceptance of herself serves as the only platform for her love with shrek to work , gives in to her inner demons of self-ridicule and hatred . any child can pull from fiona's transformation the meaning of beauty and the meaning of self-acceptance . on the technical side , shrek triumphs . directors adam adamson and vicky jenson pace shrek in a consistent and satisfying manner , evenly distributing the lessons learned by the central characters . these central characters spring to life thanks to brilliant voice work from mike myers ( shrek ) , eddie murphy ( donkey ) , and cameron diaz ( princess fiona ) . myers creates his shrek as a lovable and troubled ogre whose green color not only serves as a skin color but perhaps his envy of other , " normal " beings . murphy succeeds with his donkey through recreating the high-strung persona that so many know the actor to have off screen . cameron diaz exudes charisma and innocence as fiona , giving the princess/ogre a sense of power that many female characters in animated films lack . while the direction and voice work certainly elevate shrek , the ultimate factor in the film succeeding lies in the screenplay , written by ted elliott , terry rossio , joe stillman , and roger s . h . schulman . the script never underestimates the intelligence of the viewer , combining the three previously spoken of elements with humor for adults and children alike . capping it off with a constant tongue-in-cheek feel that pokes fun at classic disney animated features , the fresh and entertaining screenplay delivers . with shrek , dreamworks executive jeffrey katzenberg has certainly one-upped himself by creating an instant animated classic that will live on for ages to come . the smaller children will laugh and cheer ; the adults will laugh even harder and leave understanding much that their children did not . a film that breaks stereotypes and creates a definite standard of its own , shrek can certainly endure as one for the ages . for a movie about disco-era excess , " 54 " comes up surprisingly short on the sleazy happenings at the titular late 1970s and early 1980s manhattan dance club . think of it as a sort of " boogie nights " -lite - where that similarly-structured and -set portrayal of the porn industry was loaded with salacious goings-on and skidded on a destructive midpoint tone shift , " 54 " leaves the kinkier details to your imagination . it never needlessly revels in its seedy subject matter , but it thankfully never resorts to preaching , either . in fact , were it not for the rampant drug use and the intermittent dark moment , " 54 " would be about as feathery as the time period's popular female hairstyle . studio 54 was a haven for the rich , famous and generally good-looking before it closed its doors forever in 1986 . inside , anything went and , we are told , everything did . the film's fictional main character is shane o'shea ( ryan phillippe , the jerky jock from " i know what you did last summer " ) , a fresh-faced 19-year-old who dreams of venturing beyond the club's velvet rope and coming face-to-face with the wild decadence he can only read about in magazines . his wish comes true when studio 54 owner steve rubell ( mike myers ) spots him amongst a crowd of gawkers one night in '79 and permits him passage - but not before he doffs his hideous shirt , of course . once inside , shane becomes seduced by the club's dizzying vortex of sex and drugs . he has such a good time that he doesn't want to leave , so he seeks employment as a busboy . he quickly becomes friends with greg ( breckin meyer ) and anita ( salma hayek ) , a married couple who work along side of him ; greg's a fellow busboy with aspirations to make the big money as a studio 54 bartender , while anita checks coats but desires a recording contract to call her own . after rubbing elbows ( among other things ) with a renowned socialite ( sela ward ) and gaining the personal interest of rubell , shane begins to ascend to the upper echelons of 54 . but fame doesn't come without a price . " 54 " 's major shortcomings lie within its handling of the supporting players - at a slim hour-and-a-half , the film is too short to take on such a multi-character focus , and more than a few balls are dropped in the resulting juggling act . alleged last-minute edits and reshoots are more than likely to blame for the occasionally rushed development and ambiguous interaction , since " 54 " sometimes feels like it's missing a scene here or there . nowhere is this more apparent than in shane's relationship with soap opera actress julie black ( neve campbell ) , a frequent studio 54 patron whom he's long admired from afar . the romance is prodded along before it has a chance to transform into something special . that " 54 " works despite these limitations , then , is largely due to the competence and energy with which it's assembled . sure , it's shallow , slick , sanitized portrait of a bygone age , and sure , we've seen the rags-to-riches story gazillions of times , but debut director and screenwriter mark christopher keeps things moving with lively snapshots of the studio 54 hustle and bustle and an even livelier cast to inhabit his bouncy vision . the film boasts some fine comic creativity , the pinnacle of which is disco dottie ( " the wedding singer " 's ellen dow ) , an elderly dancing queen who plays the loving grandmother in public , but slides up to shane behind 54's closed doors and asks for a " funky little treat . " the solid , sexy cast smooths out - if only while you're caught up in the film - any rough spots belonging to their alter-egos or the plot . newcomer phillippe has the charisma and joisey accent down pat ; he and campbell , as fetching as ever , look so good together it's a shame their subplot goes nowhere . meyer exhibits the congenial appeal that made him a delight to watch in " clueless " ( he was the stoner with the joker-smile ) , while hayek simply sizzles , especially when leading a dance class with the mantra , " one , two , three , attitude ! " sherry stringfield , unidentifiable under big '70s hair , takes on her first big-screen gig since she left " er " as rubell's accountant , but she's criminally underused . as the droopy-eyed , drug-addled steve rubell , myers is worth the price of admission alone . when he's not playing the life of the party , the ex- " saturday night live " comedian strips away all of rubell's confidence and swagger to show a man desperately trying to fill his empty , unhappy life with exorbitance ; it's a moment worthy of pity when , while lounging on a bed of money and vomiting from a particularly heavy evening , he attempts to seduce one of his employees . and while his performance is largely serious , myers mixes the empathy with a delicate " austin powers " -esque wink , thus keeping consistent with " 54 " 's overall feel - gaudy , larger-than-life and satisfyingly ornamental , not unlike a giant disco ball . in 1994 , an insider's look at a scandal-ridden run for the democratic presidential nomination ( closely based on clinton's 1992 campaign ) was written anonymously ( former newsweek writer joe klein later claimed true authorship ) . now , the book , primary colors , has been made into a movie , directed by mike nichols , and , in light of recent presidential scandals , seems to be more relevant than ever . but the film is more than a diatribe against , or a paean in praise of , the president . it is a fascinating look at the political machinery , and the ethical quagmire , that surround modern politics . jack stanton ( john travolta ) is the governor of a small southern state running for the democratic presidential nomination . he is charismatic , but has several flaws which threaten to doom his campaign , and strains his relationship with his wife , susan ( emma thompson ) . the film is told from the point of view of henry burton ( adrian lester ) , grandson of a civil rights leader , who is swept away by stanton's ideals and helps to organize the campaign . he joins political strategist richard jemmons ( billy bob thornton , looking an awful lot like james carville ) , and campaign advisor daisy green ( maura tierney ) . governor stanton's past repeatedly pops up to haunt him , a fact that his chief rival , lawrence harris ( kevin cooney ) , consistently uses to his advantage . to help clean up the stanton campaign , jack and susan bring in an old friend , libby " the dustbuster " holden ( kathy bates ) . the acting throughout primary colors is superb . it would be worth seeing the movie for bates' wild performance alone . she enlivens the atmosphere with energy in a truly boisterous performance . travolta does a fair clinton impersonation as governor stanton , although his accent does stray a little . emma thompson delivers a strong performance as his suffering wife who can't let anything show that might hurt the presidential run . the problem with political movies is that they tend to alienate over half of their audience by promoting one side or the other , or else the movie is vague to the point of boredom . primary colors treads lightly on this issue . though stanton is clearly portrayed as a democrat , and there are a few minor barbs thrown in the way of republicans , the movie touches on few actual political issues . in fact , most of the " bad guys " are fellow democrats on the same road to the white house . rather than issues , the film is primarily concerned about scandals and spin control . although the film strays into some obviously non-clinton territory , it is difficult to completely separate it from reality ( particularly when certain scenes seem to highlight the president's current troubles ) . primary colors' chief problem is its length . it runs about 15 minutes too long . there are some scenes which could have easily been cut . for example , midway through the film , the candidate gives a speech to an assembly of laid off machinists . the scene's only apparent purpose is to establish stanton's character , which has already been done in similar scenes earlier in the film . the extra length isn't long enough nor tiring enough to be annoying , but it mars an otherwise excellent film . republicans , democrats , and political agnostics should all be able to find something to like in primary colors . it's a funny , and at some times shocking , look at the modern political process . this movie was one of the first american films done by director paul verhoeven . he has done films since then such as basic instict and starship troopers . all of his movies have one main thing in common- they don't skimp on the violence . in a verhoeven movie a guy doesn't get shot once in the chest- he gets shot many times all over the body . robocop takes place in detroit in the future . things are pretty bleak . the company ocp rules the city with an iron fist and is moving in on running the police force . peter weller plays a cop who goes on a mission with his partner , nancy allen . peter weller goes in an empty room alone and gets killed . meanwhile ocp has a failed demonstration of a ed-209 model robot crime fighter . someone comes up with the idea of having a cyborg robocop so they use any parts worth scalvaging from peter weller and make him into the robocop the movie is titled after . the plot of this movie generally runs at a decent pace . it drags a bit towards the end with robocop wanting to finish everybody off , but plot twists keep it exciting . the acting is bad from weller when he is human , but very good when he is robocop . nancy allen does a decent job . this movie doesn't leave itself open for a sequel exactly . but they made one anyway . enter . . . robocop 2 starring : peter weller and nancy allen directed by : irvin kershner detroit is in a more bleak state than it was in the first film . ocp is trying to develop an improved 'robocop 2' that will be more than a match for criminals . most of the police force is on strike due to ocp taking it over , leaving robocop to be the police force in the city . this film is pretty bizaare . it has a 13 year-old drug-lord who curses as much as eddie murphy , even more violence than the original , and some more humor . the plot of this movie is pretty large , almost too much so . there are three or four plot lines weaving around that don't really match up . the effects are still decent though . this sequel isn't more of the same really , just a darker version robocop dealing more with drugs than with armed criminals . if you liked the first one , watch this . but be dissapointed . so later comes . . . robocop 3 starring nancy allen and robert john burke ocp is now owned by a large japanese company . robocop joins a band of rebels to counter-attack the evil empire , i mean ocp . the japanese send a cyborg-ninja to deal with robocop . among other things . . . this movie is easier to follow than the last one . which means the plot isn't quite as crowded . this movie isn't anything special though . just more of robocop blasting things up in a more kid-friendly way . really not reccomended . eyes wide shut isn't the masterpiece many were hoping to see in stanley kubrick's final film , but it is an impressive achievement ; a mesmerizing , haunting , adult psychodrama about marriage , fidelity and sex . it's a stanley kubrick film from beginning to end , consistently exhibiting the auteur's trademark penchant for long , continuous takes , his unparalleled deftness behind the camera and his uncanny ability to extract gorgeous performances from his exhausted cast ( indeed , eyes wide shut attained infamy even before its release for its notoriously laborious shoot : kubrick , a renowned perfectionist , reportedly held his cast " hostage " on the set for nearly a year ) . in an uncharacteristic maneuver , kubrick cast two big-name stars in the lead roles , namely real-life husband and wife tom cruise and nicole kidman . they play bill and alice harford , a volatile couple who , during the course of a couple nights , ponder the validity of the idea that a husband and a wife must be faithful to each other . he is an m . d . , she's unemployed and we are introduced to them as they are getting ready to go to a fancy party . at the affair , they are both propositioned and both nearly succumb to the temptation to play around with someone else . when they return to their lavish new york apartment kidman ( after smoking a dash of weed ) inquires whether her husband had sex with two models who approached him during the night . he ( truthfully ) says that he did not and asks what happened with that hungarian guy she was dancing with . they proceed to argue until alice tells her spouse a lustful story : evidently some time ago , she had a thing for a young naval officer . she admits that she was ready to give up her whole future with bill and their young daughter if this guy wanted her even for one night . bill is jolted by alice's story and we anticipate his reaction , but at that moment he gets a phone call and has to go " show his face " at the house of a just-deceased patient . this turns out to be the beginning of a long and eventful night on the town . the daughter of the dead patient hits on him but he wisely turns her down . he almost does the dirty deed with a kindly hooker who approaches him on the street . then , through a series of coincidences , he winds up at a gothic mansion where a ritualistic ( and frankly , creepy ) orgy takes place , with costumed people performing various public sex acts on each other . erotic dread mounts as cruise ( who's not supposed to be there ) wonders the spacious halls watching the " action " until he is discovered to be an outsider . much hoopla has been raised over the fact that warner bros . digitally edited the orgy scene . with the help of a computer , they put in cloaked figures to block some of the actual sex acts ( they can still be seen , just not in all their glory ) in order to avoid the dreaded nc-17 rating . european viewers will see the film as kubrick envisioned it . roger ebert calls the american version the " austin powers version , " and many others have bashed the alterations . i am of the potentially controversial opinion that the figures only supplement the scene's mystical atmosphere . the first thing one notices about eyes wide shut is how it looks . this is an artful , distinctively gorgeous production , shot in dark , moody hues and featuring some elaborate , beautiful scenery . from the giant mansion used in the film's centerpiece to the decor at the christmas party to the harford's apartment , this film is always a pleasure to look at . to boot , a great soundtrack makes it more atmospheric still . at the core , behind the graphic , controversial content and unappealing mood , this is a good-natured movie that emphasizes the importance of fidelity . it looks at sex as almost perfunctory by portraying it as unnerving rather than erotic . it's something superficial and yet something necessary to achieve a deeper relationship . at the end , it seems , bill's eyes are wide open to the special kind of love he and his wife have for each other , more meaningful than anything he could ever hope to find on the streets of new york . kubrick elicits wonderful performances from both cruise and kidman . tom is completely convincing as dr . harford , a man who seems guided solely by destiny , with no control of the course his life will take . nicole projects a quiet intensity as the jittery yet aggressive wife and her performance is stunningly effective : she's headed for an oscar nod . the movie has some help from a similarly strong supporting cast , at the head of which is director-cum-thespian sidney pollock , enigmatic and articulate as harford's mysterious friend . eyes wide shut is not perfect : the last hour could have used a slightly more scissor-happy editor and both cruise and kidman are too good- looking for me to believe that either would have a very strong temptation to philander . still , this is an important work from a great director , and while it may not be on par with some of stanley kubrick's best it is a worthy final film , a complex exploration of jealousy and faithfulness . ? 1999 eugene novikov‰ ; note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . milos forman's first film since the ill-fated valmont , columbia's the people vs . larry flynt , is a vastly entertaining ( if not particularly enlightening ) biopic of hustler publisher and self-made millionaire larry flynt , who became an unlikely champion of freedom of speech rights in the united states in the late 1970s and early 1980s . the film unweaves its tale in a chronological order : we open with young and dirt-poor larry flynt and his brother jimmy , peddling jars of water in true entrepreneurial spirit out in the rural outback of kentucky . cut to forward in time , where the two flynt brothers , now young men , are running the struggling hustler go-go clubs in cincinnati . the strip clubs are in a dire financial state , and in a last-ditch effort to salvage the operations , flynt decides to go to a print shop and churn out a promotional newsletter . this evolved into the adult periodical _hustler_ magazine , creating larry flynt a vast financial empire , and the rest is history . what sets flynt apart from other publishers is his struggles against those who would have him cease publication of his adult material , and who railed and preached against him - flynt spent time in incarceration and was paralyzed by an assassination attempt - and his driven , single-minded insistence to buck the system and fight for his freedom of expression , regardless of personal cost . the people vs . larry flynt also weaves in the bittersweet story of flynt's true love , althea leasure , whom he meets as a dancer in his club and later marries , and who devotedly stands alongside him throughout his trials and tribulations . considering the serious nature of the film's theme - the importance of the united states' first amendment - the people vs . larry flynt is surprisingly and wonderfully light-hearted and humourous . much of the comedy is elicited from larry flynt's outlandish stunts at his courtroom appearances - some of his chosen apparel is hilarious - and for the most part these elements of the film work far better than some of the more dramatic points , such as an uninspiring flynt monologue set at a free speech rally in front of an enormous american flag dealing with the subjectivity of obscenity . the film's focus is on the flynt's many battles over first amendment rights and freedom of speech , but the heart of the people vs . larry flynt is the touching love story between flynt and althea . larry flynt is shown as being occassionally gruff , harsh , and overtly aggressive with his friends and colleagues , but with althea , we see his loving , affectionate side . there's a scene where flynt tenderly takes his ill wife on a ride on his wheelchair that is heartbreaking . ultimately , the emotional power that the film hits at its conclusion comes not from his achievements from his battles against censors , but from the strength of flynt and althea's love for each other . woody harrelson is entirely engaging in what must be certainly a career-topping performance as the irrepressible larry flynt . harrelson plays flynt with the right mixture of outrageousness and confident stubborness to make him endearing and entirely sympathetic to the audience , and a very compelling protagonist for the film . courtney love plays althea leasure in a startling turn , completely raw and impulsive . it's a very solid performance , brash and naturalistic , and love is extremely compelling ; it's difficult to take your eyes off her onscreen , and her chemistry with harrelson is dead-on . edward norton , as flynt's straight , level-headed lawyer is often upstaged by his flashier co-stars in the people vs . larry flynt , much as his counterpart lawyer alan isaacman was upstaged by flynt during many of the courtroom scenes , but norton shines in his big scene where he addresses the supreme court in the climactic scene of the film . one can sense the frustration that norton's character feels when harrelson's free-talking flynt sabotages trial after trial on him by openly speaking his mind , and this results in a heightened emotional punch when norton's isaacman has the opportunity to sway the supreme court judges . milos forman keeps the film moving - although it runs over two hours , it never drags - and his direction of the film is very effective , eliciting a great deal of empathy for a subject which could be construed by some as extremely sordid and unsympathetic . there's also a great visual technique which forman uses to indicate the passing of time in one shot , which is both clever and extremely entertaining . two minor quibbles with the film - it certainly seems like the people vs . larry flynt is in a rush to get to its main theme , with flynt battling against authorities and the system for his freedom of speech . consequently , the first thirty minutes of the film , introducing and setting up the characters , seem unduly rushed ; perhaps it is merely due to the fact that these characters are so interesting , but i felt it would have worked better if this route was taken in a more leisurely fashion . it also felt like there was a distinctive lack of insight into the inner workings of these characters - the film clearly shows what flynt , althea , isaacman , and rev . jerry faldwell did , and on a superficial level some of their motivations , but it never seemed like one could really understand the characters on a deeper level . for example , why larry flynt was compelled by ruth carter stapleton ( president carter's sister ) to be born-again is a mystery to me . then again , perhaps it was to him as well . these two points don't detract greatly from the film . the people vs . larry flynt is certainly among the very best studio-released films of 1996 , and works both as a ringing political statement about the importance of freedom of speech and the depths to which larry flynt would go to advance the cause of free expression , and as a touching love story . until i saw the night of the hunter , it had been a long time since i had gasped while watching a movie . forget the others and the deep end ( which veered toward strained dramatics ) , the night of the hunter is by far the scariest movie i've seen so far this year . even though the movie is nearly 50 years old and there's a not drop of blood to be seen . luckily , the night of the hunter , charles laughton's first and final directing gig , has been restored by the ucla film and television archive and is being re-released in october 2001 . so , there's still plenty of time to spill your popcorn all over the place . robert mitchum stars as harry powell , a reverend with a nasty habit of courting and then killing widows for their cash . his newest target is young mother willa harper ( shelley winters ) , whose murderer husband ben ( peter graves ) has hidden $10 , 000 somewhere . powell finds out about the stash and decides to court mrs . harper after he's released and ben is hanged . but finding the money isn't easy for powell , who must contend with his stepchildren ( billy chapin and sally jane bruce ) , who know where the money is , but aren't telling . the hard part about seeing a classic now is the pop culture monster has usually drawn and quartered and then flaunted all the memorable moments , thus ruining the spontaneity and adventure when we finally watch it for the first time . how many spoofs or salutes to the shower scene in psycho have we seen in other movies ? what about the brilliant baby stroller sequence from battleship potemkin ? ( no , i'm not blaming brian de palma entirely for this sampling problem . ) yes , there are some visual elements that other directors seem to have borrowed from the night of the hunter . powell's " love " and " hate " knuckle tattoos obviously influenced spike lee in do the right thing ( remember radio raheem ? ) . and powell's black suit , with black tie and white shirt , could have shaped quentin tarantino's early visual style . seeing the night of the hunter for the first time , i was amazed at how much it crackled with wicked wit and fright and how much intensity was intact . you can now sign me up as president of the robert mitchum fan club . he plays the role with a controlled malice that induces unease every time he appears . he's like the senior class president with an evil streak . if i ever need to stay awake , i'll just picture him crooning , " leaning . . . leaning . . . . " any actor who wants to play a character with a touch of evil should study his performance the way a rabbinical student studies the torah . and credit must be handed out to laughton and cinematographer stanley cortez , who create a series of haunting , surreal shadowy images over the rural depression-era backdrop . it's a testament to both men that they're able to invigorate what has become a hackneyed storyline ( kids harassed by evil guardians ) by sticking to the old maxim that we're more scared by what we don't see . screenwriter and legendary film critic james agee does a beautiful job giving shape and substance to an array of supporting characters : the drunk birdie ( james gleason ) who's haunted by his wife , and the spoons ( evelyn varden and walt spoon ) whose marriage has become a verbal vaudeville act . the only lapse is the movie's third act , when pearl and john run away from home and find a home with the motherly , bible-reading mrs . cooper ( lillian gish ) . her showdown with powell is memorable -- a battle done with dueling hymns . however , the whole segment feels a little rushed and underdone , but it's still a thrill seeing the queen of the silent film era handling a shotgun . do yourself favor and don't miss this if it comes to a nearby theater . note : a series of revealing , but overlong , outtakes preceded the movie . the highlights included the legendary laughton ( who sounds eerily like mr . pitt from seinfeld ) running winters' lines with mitchum , and the adorable , tiny bruce having trouble descending a coal pile . hours more of such footage exists , as laughton liked to keep the cameras constantly rolling . screened as part of the 2001 new york film festival retrospectives ( feature story coming soon ) . jamaica is a hot vacation spot . the exchange rate encourages delusions of wealth ( approximately 30 jamaican dollars to one american ) , the sea is a brilliant blue , the air is warm but lacks humidity . and as tourism is unfortunately jamaica's biggest trade , foreigners enter and leave with a sense of relaxation . life and debt takes a brassy look at life inside this impoverished country . while normal documentaries take the sally struthers approach of underlying scenes of starving children with tearful music , this film guides the viewer with a sarcastic voiceover that brings the troubles home without begging tears to the surface . the voiceover is written by acclaimed author jamaica kincaid . it guides the audience along a tourist's journey and the story of the native inhabitants . instead of telling you what you are already seeing on screen , it quips , " you don't see what happens after you flush the toilet . " this engages a viewer to see and think about devastation instead of merely being told it is there . this strong , sparse storytelling approach runs throughout the film . stephanie black is also intelligent in how she chooses to disclose the problems faced by the locals . this isn't just another talking head show of people moaning about their horrible lot in life . people are interviewed from all sectors of occupation , from field to factory , as well as social theorists and the banking organizations that continue to invest in the country . the variety of discussion perpetuates a compelling internal dialogue with any viewer , whether they are seeing jamaica for the first time or not . of course , as can be expected , the united states is slammed , owing to its involvement with the international monetary fund and the world bank . officials look moronic as they explain why their plans for jamaica's economy will help the country back on its feet , but only if they are willing to follow the advice word for word . the next moment we see why and how each of these initiatives has failed , usually due to imports being cheaper than local labor or whether or not the soil is appropriate for the next agricultural trend the u . s . is forcing on the citizens . admittedly , some of the back and forth between the business-minded organizations and the failures they produce gets repetitive , but it also drives home the impact ignorance can have on both sides of an international argument . but jamaica isn't against the united states , and this documentary does not accuse the u . s . of being the sole perpetrator of its grief . if anything , it begs for a better understanding of the nature of jamaican society before stepping in to change it based on foreign regulations . denzel washington is among the many actors this holiday season to give very impressive milestone performances . this perhaps may be washington's very best to date . he joins matt damon and jim carrey in having the talent , this season , to become his character , copying mannerisms and personal styles perfectly . his very believable performance makes the long and uninteresting " the hurricane " a much better film than it actually is . when his rubin " hurricane " carter feels pain and is tormented by racism , he creates for the audience a great sense of sympathy , disgust , and maybe even some embarrassment from the fact that this is our very own country that is breaking laws to support silly prejudices . the horrific true events carter suffered from all of his life are slightly more disturbing and terrifying because they only took place a few decades ago . the powerful expressions of denzel washington alone , as his tortured carter , sum up the troubles of racism in america's history . he is that amazing . the problem with " the hurricane " is that when compared to washington , all of the other actors are not nearly as memorable in their roles . mainly because the script focuses so much on carter , that it leaves little interest or room for the other actors . this is , without a doubt , washington's movie but in order for any film to be completely satisfying , it must utilize everyone in the cast to their highest potential not just the stars . denzel washington is the only reason to see this film for his inspirational and very depressing tour de force performance . as rubin carter , we see a black man whose existence has been a punching bag for the white american court system . >from the age of eleven to twenty one he was sent to a juvenile prison for a crime he did not commit . then after a successful marriage and boxing career , he was harshly imprisoned again for life after being framed for a triple murder . carter's second term in prison seemed almost inevitable when faced off against jealous , powerful white men who refused to let him succeed . from these past experiences in jail , carter realized that he must make his case heard for all of america . after several court appeals , an autobiography , and many public marches for his freedom , carter remained locked in prison . it was not until a young black boy from brooklyn being educated in toronto read carter's book in the 1980's , that a serious battle for freedom took place . the young boy and his three canadian guardians decide to dedicate all of their time to the case until carter is released . the greatest scenes in the film are when carter begins to lose his mind after spending three months in isolation . washington really shows the breakdown of carter when after swearing he would never go to jail again , he is unfairly framed at the height of his innocent career . the devastation in washington's eyes show a man who has struggled to do the right thing his whole life only to be punished for it . in the hole , carter attempts to maintain emotional balance but he cannot . his anger is heightened to a point of no control . we see multiple carters , a violent angry one , a silent passive one , and a mediator . we see an emotional boxing match inside carter's head . from this point in the hole to the end of the film , this fight continues . it is very apparent at times which side is winning the battle and in some scenes there is a direct switch from angry to caring or the opposite . when carter sees that white canadians want to help him get out of prison , the angry carter at first erupts . white people have been trying to hurt him his whole life , this reminder leads to anger in his head . however , as the film continues and the canadians continue to help carter we see the calm side him . he realizes that society is changing . that racism is decreasing and now carter wants to leave jail immediately and become a part of this world . very rarely have i seen such determination to perfect his role as washington has done here . if only the other actors had this same determination . dan hedaya , ridiculously plays the man who sends carter to prison twice by forcing witnesses to lie and switching evidence around . it felt like his character was taken straight out of a " scooby doo " episode ; he would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for those annoying little kids . " the kids " in this film are the three canadians who are terribly underused making their relationship with carter underdeveloped and unbelievable . the lawyers who help release carter also are underused , as is clancy brown as a kind prison guard ( the complete opposite of his character in " shawshank redemption " ) . there is a great amount of talent in this supporting cast but it just never appears . hedaya was superb in " clueless , " same for david paymer in " get shorty , " harris yulin in " ghostbusters " and liev schreiber in " the daytrippers . " it is a mystery how this many actors signed on to such shallow roles . on the other hand , it is absolutely no mystery why denzel washington agreed to play rubin " hurricane " carter . this role is about as far off from shallow as you can get . [note : after claiming otherwise , my appetite was indeed whetted by kenneth branagh's hamlet to search out other attempts to translate shakespeare to film in hopes of finding a better mousetrap . as it happens , it didn't take long . ] is there a more romantic director than franco zeffirelli ? known mainly to american audiences as the man behind 1968's romeo and juliet ( required viewing for many high schoolers , and as much as most ever learn of shakespeare ) , he is also a favorite at the metropolitan opera , where his achingly beautiful designs further the already lush emotion of many a puccini aria . last year he gave us his beautifully realized version of jane eyre , one of the twin peaks ( with wuthering heights ) of romantic literature . it might seem peculiar , then , that zeffirelli ever had an interest in translating hamlet for the screen . at first blush , hamlet is far removed from romance . the hero , though a prince , is depressed , conflicted and confused . the ostensible love interest gets little screen time , and her scenes with her prince are usually as an object of mockery . the plot is full of political intrigue and the players are as cursed as the house of atreus . it is zeffirelli's genius , however , that he is able to expose the romantic core of hamlet and give the sometimes dry tale an emotional embrace . in this italian master's hands , romance is everywhere -- in a son's worship of his father , in the bonds of deepest friendship , in the private thoughts of young lovers , even in the mystery of castles by the sea . after all , the story hinges on a ghost , and what could be more romantic than that ? what seemed like a cheap way to sell tickets at the time turned out to be one of the most romantic gestures of all , namely , hiring then-reigning hollywood hunk mel gibson to play the lead . who could believe that the man who made his mark playing mad max and a " lethal weapon " ( in the series of the same name ) would have the skill to succeed in the most famous role in the english language ? franco zeffirelli , that's who . and it is apparent in every frame that his instinct was right on the money . what gibson brings to the role is a naturalness and ease which makes the whole story meaningful , not to mention comprehensible . his line readings sound spontaneous rather than rehearsed . his movements and gestures ( excepting his sometimes too active eyes ) are totally in keeping with the character . this is a hamlet whose pain we feel , whose struggle we empathize with , and whose death we mourn as sincerely as horatio at film's end . glenn close , the other big name in the production , also does well by the script and satisfies as hamlet's mother , gertrude -- though i must confess i'm still trying to understand the character as written . ( zeffirelli's incestuous interpretation of hamlet's relationship with his mother doesn't help . ) alan bates makes a believably evil claudius without resorting to the mannerisms of a hollywood heavy . by and large the rest of the cast performs admirably and comfortably . of special note are the cinematography by david watkin and the score by ennio morricone . both support the realistic mood marvelously ( as do the sets and costumes ) , without any overstated effects that declare " this is important ; this is shakespeare ! " i particularly appreciate that the words are often spoken without any music at all : the melody of a wonderfully wrought phrase is given its due . perhaps it is difficult to call edited shakespeare " definitive . " and there are certainly quite a few other filmed versions of hamlet that i have not seen . but if you've ever felt the urge to overcome your fear of the bard , this hamlet is an excellent place to start . the happy bastard's quick movie review me tarzan . . . you happy viewer . for a minute there , i thought i was going to be groaning over the release of disney's latest , another adaptation of a legend from the past . ( remember the pathetic pocahontas ? yikes ! ) but guess what- disney , a company that's been on a roll lately with animated films , strikes again with another wonderful tale that pleases the eyes as well as the inner kid in you . the story is pretty basic- tarzan is left orphaned and a female gorilla who's lost her young adopts him into her group . as he matures into a much older man , tarzan still wonders just why he's so much different from the clan , and then arrives a hunter , a professor , and the professor's lovely daughter , jane- who meets tarzan rather quickly after getting in trouble with a group of feisty babboons . from there , tarzan faces tough choices- should he stay with the ones that he grew up with or go join his own kind in england ? the voicework here is pretty top-level . tony goldwyn is very convincing as the ape man ; minnie driver adds a delectable touch to the already-beautiful jane ; nigel hawthorne makes for a pretty nasty hunter voice ; rosie o' donnell keeps the laughs rolling as tarzan's best ape friend terk ; and wayne " newman " knight has his moments as a panicky elephant . the movie is superb throughout , mixing a great script with incredible computer-assisted visuals . when tarzan tree-surfs ( a twist that was added on top of the same ol' vine swinging- and a great one , i might add ) , the camera twists and turns , allowing the trees all around to come to life vividly . i couldn't believe my eyes- disney has come a long way since starting in a ballroom for beauty and the beast . and the music's not half bad , either . fortunately , there's no ridiculous singing characters here , just a great set of songs by phil collins that perfectly fit the mood . there's some great action sequences here as well , including a wonderfully done chase between tarzan , jane , and the aforementioned babboons . but , of course , it's not all action- there's a message here as well that has to do with family . this is easily one of disney's best animated films of the decade and it's one i can't wait to put in my home library . . . that is , if my vcr still works in the year 2000 . one of the funniest carry on movies and the third with a medical setting . the main story is about dr . james nookey ( jim dale ) who is disliked by his superiors , frederick carver , head of the hospital ( kenneth williams ) , and dr . ernest stoppidge ( charles hawtrey ) who seems to dislike everyone . they attempt to cause him as much trouble in the hospital as possible and all the blame is laid on nookey . carver learns of a possible job opportunity from wealthy ellen moore ( joan sims ) on a distant tropical island and gets nookey trannsferred there . when nookey arrives at this island , he meets gladstone screwer ( sid james ) who has lived on the island just about all his life . screwer is in possession of a wonderful slimming drug made from natural ingredients . dr . nookey returns with the drug to england and sets up a new slimming business with ellen moore's financial backing . however , nookey and moore face opposition from screwer who goes to england to cash in on the drug , and carver and stoppidge who want to know the ingredients to create a rival drug . the performances are all very commendable . sid james has a slightly ambiguous character to play this time and he excels in his role . kenneth williams , as usual , plays the unpopular and cunning head of the hospital . joan sims is entertaining as the wealthy benefactor and jim dale should really head the cast with his excellent portrayal of bumbling nookey . charles hawtrey plays an 'out-of-character' role as dr . stoppidge , the nasty and evil practitioner who wants to knock nookey off his perch . some critics have said that this combination of hawtrey and stoppidge does not work well , but i think that it at least gives hawtrey a new part to play instead of the usual dimwit characters . as a matter of fact , hawtrey is suitably cunning in the part . other regulars in the movie include hattie jacques as the matron yet again ( but this part is probably her most boring 'matron' ) and barbara windsor as nookey's love interest and unofficial 'women's lib' campaigner , goldie locks . both jacques and windsor play their parts well . patsy rowlands appears briefly as miss fosdick , and there are very small cameos from wilfrid brambell ( from 'steptoe and son' fame ) and peter butterworth . the jokes are mostly very funny , the story is quite appealing , and the regulars seem interested in what they're doing . although it is another medical carry on movie and some of the jokes are borrowed from previous movies , it still comes out on top ( it is the best medical carry on ) because of the above factors . a must-see carry on movie . whenever writer/director robert altman works in a specific genre , he has the tendency to rewrite it on his own terms . he made the west dirty in " mccabe and mrs . miller " ( 1971 ) , he parodied hard-boiled detective stories in " the long goodbye " ( 1973 ) , and he transformed a cartoon into flesh and blood with " popeye " ( 1980 ) . the same holds true for his most recent film , " the gingerbread man , " which reinvents a genre that has developed at an exponential rate over the last five years : the john grisham movie . by the time " the gingerbread man " was completed , there was very little evidence that it was ever based on a story by grisham . there's no idealist young lawyer ala tom cruise , matthew mcconaughey , chris o'donnell or matt damon , and it doesn't feature a great showdown in a courtroom . instead of being a grand ode to the powers of the legal profession , " the gingerbread man " is a rain-soaked , southern gothic noir thriller with wildly eccentric characters , a twisting plot line , black humor , a somewhat bleak ending , and even altman's trademark full-frontal female nudity . the central character of the film is rick magruder , who is unlike any of grisham's other lawyer heroes . he is older , experienced , and rich ; he drives a cherry-red $80 , 000 mercedes that never gets dirty , even in the incessantly pouring rain of savannah , georgia , where the story unfolds . rick is in the midst of an ugly divorce with his wife , leeanne ( famke janssen ) , and he rarely gets to see his two children , jeff ( jesse james ) and libby ( mae whitman ) . a reason is never given for the divorce , but it isn't hard to surmise that rick's womanizing had a large part in it . whenever he's late to pick up the kids on his visitation days , leeanne always assumes it's because he's been " screwing around . " after an office party celebrating another of his court victories ( he hasn't lost in eight years ) , rick becomes involved with mallory doss ( embeth davidtz ) , one of the catering waitresses . he drives her home because her car has been stolen , and they end up in bed together . rick finds out that mallory is being terrorized and stalked by her slightly psychotic father , dixon doss ( robert duvall ) , a grungy , stringy , bare-footed old man who leads a commune of other greasy old codgers . it was actually dixon who stole her car that night , and when rick asks why , mallory replies that he always does " weird " stuff like that . as another character puts it , dixon is " a few beers short of six-pack . " rick ends up convincing mallory to have dixon brought to court and tried for competency . he succeeds with information dug up by clyde pell , a private investigator friend ( robert downey jr . ) , and testimony from mallory's begrudging ex-husband , pete randle ( tom berenger ) . dixon is put in a mental hospital , but his commune buddies succeed in breaking him out . from there , the story delves into kidnapping , murder , double-crossing , and even a hurricane that adds an ominous cloud of constant violence to the action . altman's cinematographer , changwei gu , gives the film a dark , soaked look . if it isn't night-time , at least it's raining . gu shoots the interiors , which are almost all dark wood paneling , with a minimum of light . a great deal of the action takes place in the leafy georgia backwoods , which altman uses to create an acute sense of dread and vulnerability . in the city there is danger enough , but when rick has to venture into the woods , you can almost feel him leaving all hope of civilization behind as he literally enters another world . altman has worked in just about every conceivable genre , from westerns to epic dramas to comedies . but , no matter what the genre , he is always sure to give it the altman stamp , which usually consists of all kinds of idiosyncratic quirks and little details that are often missed without repeat viewings . " the gingerbread man " is no different , although his style is much more restrained here . however , without those little touches , the film could have easily slumped into a routine action/thriller . a great deal of the credit for the film's success can be given to the actors , especially branagh , who rarely works outside of period pieces and his own direction . here , the british actor consistently maintains a serviceable southern drawl , while making an essentially contemptible character interesting and sympathetic . rick is an extremely flawed man , but branaugh brings real humanity to his character . without it , the entire film would fall flat because so much of it is reliant on the audience feeling rick's pain and frustration . the supporting actors also put in fine performances , including embeth davidtz , who is probably best known for her heart-breaking role as the jewish maid in " schindler's list " ( 1993 ) . tom berenger provides some gruff comic relief , and robert duvall spends most of his on-screen time just looking weird . it doesn't seem like he does much because he has very little spoken dialogue , but watch him closely during the film's one courtroom scene : his entire performance is in his eyes and his body language , and few actors could have pulled it off without being either silly or overbearing . while " the gingerbread man " isn't in league with altman's greatest works like " nashville " ( 1975 ) or " the player " ( 1992 ) , it is nonetheless a solid piece of genre filmmaking , which may prove a successful vehicle to restart his somewhat lagging career . some critics love to stamp films like this as " commercial , " as if altman can only maintain artistic integrity if his films are aimed at a tiny audience and don't make money . altman has done something much better : he took what could have been a generic movie , and by investing artistry and effort , he made it into something more . " remember what the mpaa says : horrific and deplorable violence is ok as long as you don't say any naughty words . " featuring the voice talents of matt stone , trey parker , mary kay bergman . rated r . filmmakers jump on real-life controversies faster than austin powers on felicity shagwell . the debate on whether cinema is to blame for teenagers turning into hoodlums has only begun to heat up , and already someone's made a movie about it , and it's not , thank god , a tragic account of a family ripped apart by the effect violence in films had on a teenage boy . instead we get a sharp , biting satire that takes no prisoners and leaves no conservative point of view unscathed . based on a popular ( and controversial ) cable tv show , south park : bigger longer and uncut can finally break loose of the shackles placed on the show by television restrictions and take bad taste to brand new heights . the movie is about a group of kids who sneak into a canadian r-rated movie and learn some naughty words . when they exhibit their new knowledge to their moms , they decide to " blame canada , " wage war against the neighbor country and execute " terrence and phillip , " the flatulent actors in the obscene film . the kids form an alliance they name " la resistance " ( with the accent on the third syllable of " resistance " ) to save their favorite thespians , in a hilarious spoof of ( tribute to ? ) les mis ? rables . in a subplot , one of the characters ( kenny , who else ? ) dies and goes to hell where he meets satan . satan and saddam hussein are lovers , you see . satan is a benevolent soul , while our favorite eastern ruler can only think about sex . apparently , too , if terrence and phillip are executed it will be the final sign of the apocalypse and satan can emerge from the deepest bowels of the underground kingdom to rule the earth . aside from being a brilliant satire , south park is also an all-stops-out musical , with unforgettable numbers like " shut your f * * * ing face uncle f * * * er " and " cartman's mom is a big fat bitch " . almost invariably it's funny stuff : often juvenile but always funny . the same can be said for the rest of the movie : it's intelligent but delivered in a sophomoric manner ( i . e . toilet humor , endless profanity , etc . ) . not that there's anything wrong with that : vulgarity , when done right , is my bag , baby . trey parker and matt stone , the twenty-somethings behind the film and the show , paint a bulls-eye on the motion picture association of america and proceed to be the first to start trying to hit it . cruelly mocking the fact that the mpaa's rating system will allegedly tolerate grotesque violence as long as obscenities aren't uttered , the auteurs throw some nasty one-liner insults their way . the ratings-a-plenty association isn't the only target of this unsparing banter : people who favor censoring movies over gun control are equally fair game , with the " blame canada " plot being a not-so-cheap shot at them . the distinctively low-tech " cardboard " animation is oddly effective , even more so than the state of the art " deep canvas " technique aptly demonstrated in the recent tarzan . it's more pleasant to look at , less intimidating up on the screen , and most importantly it doesn't detract from the film's concept as much as disney's admirably awe-inspiring work does . the show's popularity has been waning as of late , and perhaps this movie is just the thing to boost its ratings . perhaps not . having seen the show on numerous occasions , i can say that it's not nearly as smart or as funny as this movie . the series may be better off simply continuing on the big screen every couple years . parker and stone have outdone themselves to the point where i am forced to ask : must the show go on ? ? 1999 eugene novikov‰ ; for this review and more , visit clear illusions ( www . clearillusions . com ) the majority of scary movies signal the fact that a character is about to meet their demise with cheesy music , worn out dialogue such as " i'll be right back , " or simply with the overall tone of the scene . how about a classic john denver song as a death signal for a change ? that's the kind of bursting originality that allows " final destination " to invade the viewer's mind , even days after seeing it , making one pause before ever entering a dark room , taking a shower , or even going to sleep . the unique and horrifying thriller is the best thing to happen to the slasher genre since 1996's " scream . " " final destination , " directed by james wong and penned by jeffrey riddick , glen morgan , and james wong , the latter two being writers for the t . v . series " the x-files , " is a movie with wonderful ideas , and executes them effortlessly . it's rare a film of this nature can grab an audience's attention these days , as the genre has seem to be completely worn out ? ? `but " final destination " has more in store for one than one can imagine . unlike " halloween " 's michael myers or " nightmare on elm street " 's freddy kruger , " final destination " 's killer is of the supernatural , the dark one himself , death . the intriguing premise is as follows ; a portion of a senior class is set to travel by air to paris for their class trip . after boarding the plane , one of the students , alex browning ( devon sawa ) dreams of their plane exploding into flames just after takeoff , killing everyone on board . once waking up , alex gets himself and six others off of that plane , all of who seem to be rather confused by the entire happening . shortly after their departure , the plane takes off , and guess what ; it blows up in middair . now , alex , and fellow survivors , who consist of friend clear waters ( ali larter ) , enemy carter ( kerr smith ) , carter's girlfriend terry ( amanda detmer ) , the goofy billy ( sean william scott ) and his brother tod ( chad donella ) , and teacher , ms . valerie lewton ( kristen cloke ) , are in extreme danger , as it seems they have cheated death by getting off of that plane , and now death wants them . the number of survivors starts to peel back quite quickly as death goes around offing those who got off the plane ? ? `but who is next , and how will death get them ? " final destination " is a film that is unbearably suspenseful ; always making the viewer frantic , as death will strike in the most unlikely of times . john denver's " rocky mountain high " being played pretty much warrants another death ? ? `everyone on that plane learned the hard way . although it's usually given whose life will be taken next , the intensity and unpredictability of the film never fades , because you don't know when death is coming . like the characters in the movie , i was constantly nervous and shaky during " final destination " . the slightest noise or movement nearby would send me a mile into the air ? ? ` and yes , the film is that intense . the cast is surprisingly effective and up to par ; the best ensemble in this genre since " scream . " the characters have multi-dimensional personalities for a change , and for the most part , you highly sympathize with them once death starts to come their way . devon sawa and ali larter are the main focus of the film , and both actors follow up their well written characters with even better performances , that , like the " scream " movies did for their cast , will launch them into superstardom . kerr smith and kristen cloke are also impressive , although the two don't posses as much screen time as the leads . " final destination " is one exhilarating , exciting ride . any age should be able to enjoy the complexity and eeriness of the film , and should find an edge to it that most slasher films lack . for the blood loving moviegoer , " destination " contains buckets of blood , guts , and all that good stuff . " final destination " is a film that is destined to become a cult classic among horror fans , and a sleeper hit at the box office . hands down to the first film in years that has actually scared me . by scare , i don't mean making me jump , or making me wonder if i'm in danger , but by scare i mean a film that stays locked in your mind , absorbing you , leaving one question that's constantly on your mind : is death coming for me ? the bottom line : make " final destination " your destination . errol morris , critically acclaimed director of the 1997 documentary fast , cheap and out of control , vaults to new heights with mr . death . this film , an examination of the life and work of controversial execution equipment designer and revisionist historian fred a . leuchter , jr . , is sure to draw audiences out of their malaise , stunning even the more jaded minds among us . don't let the film's cheesy dissuade you . following this sideshow of horror-lab special effects we are plunged quickly into a non-stop exploration of the weirdness that is leuchter's life and mind . morris follows the trail of leuchter's madness with appalling lucidity , revealing in a surprising and frightening way what most of us could have guessed to begin with : this leuchter guy is seriously messed up . virtually raised within the american penal system by a father who worked within prison walls , leuchter seems to have come somewhat naturally into his profession ; designing and maintaining execution equipment for state penitentiaries , in spite of his lack of credentials . after a moderately successful career making electric chairs and designing gas chambers and gallows , leuchter came to the attention of neo-nazi and revisionist historian ernst zundel , who was facing criminal charges in germany for publishing his `theory' that the holocaust never happened . morris's interviews are surprisingly congenial , drawing the subjects into a carefree banter that gives them more than enough rope with which to hang themselves . zundel speaks to the camera as though it were his mensch . leuchter seems completely at ease , sometimes jovial . part of this effect may be due to morris's new interviewing machine , called the interrotron , which is responsible for creating eye contact between the subject and the interviewer . this was the first time morris had used the device , and the results are startling . combine the irony of these interviews with leuchter's reenactments and reels of creepy stock footage of his trip to auschwitz and birkenau , not to mention a haunting clip of thomas edison electrocuting an elephant , and you've got one compelling and disturbing documentary . while this film isn't for the feeble-minded or weak-hearted , it is a valuable addition to the cultural landscape . aside from a few dragging minutes toward the end of the piece , morris has given us a fresh look at a dismal subject and i , for one , feel bettered by the experience . summary five liberal iowa graduate students share a house and carry on a tradition of a large sunday dinner . for a year now they have been inviting a guest for dinner and discussion . on this occasion one of the roommates , pete ( ron eldard ) , brings home a stranger who picked him up when his car broke down . the stranger is zack ( bill paxton ) who appears like a decent enough good samaritan . nothing could be further from the truth . after some dinner conversation it appears that zack is , among other things , a racist " you know my grandfather once said that if he knew you coloreds were going to be so much trouble we'd have picked the damn cotton ourselves " , and an anti-semite . an argument escalates at the dinner table and leads to violence . after zack assaults marc ( jonathan penner ) and pete , zack is killed . the roommates are at odds with what to do . marc , pete and paulie ( annabeth gish ) immediately wish to call the police . luke ( courtney b . vance ) and jude ( cameron diaz ) suggest something different . after more discussion they agree to dispose of the body and cover it up . they do not want to be sent to jail for what they feel was a justifiable homicide . when it is done the roommates realize that it was easier than they thought . so easy in fact that they decide that every sunday their dinner guest would be someone who opposes of their views . if they all agree that the guest deserves to die , they will poison them and bury them in the back yard . the back yard fills up rather quickly , its' victims including ( among others ) a right to life extremist , an anti-environmentalist and a homophobe . by the time the roommates get to their tenth victim they begin to question their methods . are they giving the guests a chance ? are they even giving them good food anymore ? this film is what i like to call a " hidden treasure " . this film is such a pleasant surprise . a well written , devilish satire that is funny , sexy and original . this film should be a hit , but i guess the fact that it apparently had no marketing wouldn't give it much of a chance . i had never heard of it until i saw a copy at my video store . stacy title does a wonderful job directing . she somehow finds the time to give all of the characters enough screen time to develop a distinct personality . >from the five members of the house to other key characters including sheriff stanley ( nora dunn ) , the local law closing in on the truth , and the dream dinner guest , norman arbuthnot ( ron perlman ) , a rush limbaugh clone who should be the roommates easiest kill . perlman gives the films' best performance . he finds the right note as the right wing big mouth who simultaneously offends and gains followers , and may just inadvertently talk his way out of death . the other actors are convincing as well , as all of the roommates deal with their murderous ways . some of the characters appear to be heading down the road towards insanity , while others grieve their decisions . when friends ask me to recommend a movie , this is usually the first one i think of . i am not saying that this is my favorite movie ( although it is in my top ten ) , but because the film was such a wonderful surprise , i have a fondness for it . i also try to recommend films like this : ones that have not been seen by many people , but should . i can already feel the hate letters pouring in on this one , folks . i loved the wedding singer . but it gets worse . if i so much as mention titanic in the same sentence . . . hell , same paragraph as the wedding singer , i'm bound to be lynched . well lynch me then , because i thought adam sandler and drew barrymore had the most convincing chemistry in recent memory , with titanic as the only exception . right away , you're ready to discount my review , aren't you ? you're thinking that i can't possibly know what i'm talking about . after all , this is adam sandler right ? ? ? well , there's more . . . i actually got choked up , and more than once . yes , the man who brought us billy madison and happy gilmore was able to bring sincere tears to my eyes . but before you shrug me off as an imbecile , i urge you to see the movie and see for yourself . the wedding singer is the story of robby hart ( sandler ) , a 1985 rock star wannabe whose soul achievement in life has been performing cover tunes at wedding receptions for the past five years or so . but when his own wedding results in a no-show for the bride ( angela featherstone as linda ) , robby begins to re-examine his life , and wonder why true love doesn't exist for people like him . in the process of performing at these receptions , robby meets a waitress named julia , played with wholesome sweetness by drew barrymore , whose reputation is anything but this character . julia too is engaged , and when robby finds himself without a wife , his free time allows him to help her plan her own wedding , seeing as how her fiance , the " miami vice " loving glenn ( matthew glave ) , doesn't seem all that interested . as the time goes by , we learn the reason glenn is do dispassionate about the wedding - he's merely marrying julia to prevent a breakup , something he wants to avoid even if he does sleep around with tons of other women . it's obvious that robby is going to fall for julia and feel a strong need to rescue her , but what is a lighthearted romantic comedy for ? this isn't sleepless in seattle , but i'd actually compare it to that before i'd compare it to happy gilmore . while the wedding singer maintains some of that post-snl cornball humor , its sincerity and charm carry it a very , very long way . sandler is great in his role , and yes , if you allow it , you can take him seriously . barrymore seems perfect along side him , and although the two more likely represent gen-x moronism and party-girl ditzism ( respectively ) , the two go together like bread and butter as a mid-eighties couple . one scene in particular , where julia ponders the future in a mirror , is so well done , i was on the verge of tears . unfortunately , sandler is going to make a lot of people shrug this one off as a no-brainer , but it's got so much surprise substance packed inside that i'm encouraging everyone to go see it . in fact , the entire theater applauded when the film ended , and laughs were so consistent , some jokes were probably missed due to the uproar . the 1985 setting was milked for everything it was worth , and for those of us that are old enough to remember it , it was a bodacious trip back ( and done very well ) . sandler shows a new side to himself while maintaining all his original charm ( or is it anti-charm ? ) . while the wedding singer only deserves three stars due to artistic merit , grading it on pure enjoyability would give this one four stars . it's hilarious , and it's touching . it's got that great cheezy humor , but it also takes sandler to a higher level than anyone expected . this is one to see again and again . is it possible the wedding singer could be one of the sweetest romantic comedies of 1998 ? my " magic 8-ball " predicts it is certain . hollywood is a pimp . a fat , cigar-smoking chump wearing a fur hat and 12 gold chains around its fat , hairy chest . all of its stars and starlets are an evil brood of scum-sucking vampires looking for the next percentage take , the next summer blockbuster , the next casting couch to audition on . pumping out comic-book adaptations , terrible sequels to mediocre films , and remakes of foreign films to the nearest american movie multiplex mall theater equipped with thin walls and bad sound systems . how much longer can the works of peckinpah , fassbinder , fuller , castle , preminger , and lee be placed and forgotten in the wrong sections of the local blockbuster stores ? how many more silver and weinstein films can we enduring in this stinky , decaying state of american cinema ? but now , from john " i don't give a shit what you think about my movies " waters , comes the siren call to all frustrated filmmakers and aficionados : cecil b . demented , a warped and twisted tale of how far a filmmaker will go to create a personal vision of internal and social revolution . stephen dorff , in a career-defining role , is cecil b . demented , a crazed director devoted to making the most radical underground film . together with his film production cult , the sprocket holes - who wear tattoos of peckinpah , lee , fuller , castle , anger , fassbinder , preminger on various parts of their bodies as badges of honor , they kidnap a hollywood movie starlet , played with perfect ridiculousness by melaine griffith , and force her to take the starring role in demented's film . with no budget and no contracts for extras , demented and his crew take to the streets for production of raving beauty , a crass terrorist film about an angry owner of an independent theater and her brood out to destroy the mainstream film business . using " ultimate reality " - with real bullets , real people , and real terror - demented and his crew of misfits attack a mall theater , terrorize the maryland film commission and crash a movie studio shooting a certain sequel to a really annoying tom hanks film . demented's crewmembers are maimed and killed , popcorn machines are used for target practice , and no one can have sex until the film is complete . it's like bowfinger , only , you know , good . the film moves with zigs and zags like the magic bullet of kennedy's assassination . the zeal of demented's cause catches quickly and conveys the urgent message of " doing something , anything , for the accomplishment of artistic motivations . " the crewmembers all hold the quirkiness common in water's previous films - pink flamingos , hairspray , polyester , pecker -- and speak in the choppy , jaded dialogue used frequently by waters . it is as if water's script strips away the unnecessary dialogue common to most pretentious indie films and just delivers the goods . cecil takes such warped avenues of expression that it seems like it might actually outdo itself . you can see how a major studio might take this film , re-edit it , cut a deal with the remaining crew members who are still alive , and make a few sequels , a la the blair witch project . but that's for the future . overall , the ride is fantastic ; it's one of water's best films to date and this year's fight club for filmmakers . director/writer : john waters starring : stephen dorff , melaine griffith , alicia witt , adrian grenier , larry gilliard jr . , mink stole , ricki lake , kevin nealon producers : john fielder , mark tarlov , anthony delorenzo , joe caraccio jr . back in 1998 dreamworks unveiled their first computer animated movie " antz " . the film was critically acclaimed , and went on to gross almost $100m dollars at the domestic box office . again in 1998 they released their traditional animated film " the prince of egypt " and it named an instant classic , and became a huge hit as well . on a winning streak , they released " the road to el dorado " and it wasn't as big as they hoped , but still did ok , then they had the fantastic " chicken run " in the summer . now in 2001 dreamworks has released what i can safely name , one of the top five best animated films . shrek ( mike myers ) is about a loving , green ogre who lives in the woods of duloc by himself . surrounded by fairy tale characters , he hopes somehow he would escape from everyone . the ruler of duloc is the short , heartless lord farquaad ( john lithgow ) , who is offering a reward to all the fairy tale creatures , if they are captured and arrested . of course many of the owners turn them in for gold and silver , but one of those creatures is donkey ( eddie murphy ) . a regular donkey , except he talks and has a definite attitude , after his owner tries to disown him , he escapes into the woods , and runs into shrek . lord farquaad however , has different plans and makes all the fairy tale creatures in the woods near shrek's house . to get his property back , and his life back shrek must rescue princess fiona ( cameron diaz ) so lord farquaad can be a king . shrek wants his property back , but he never thought he would fall in love with princess fiona . " shrek " is such an amazing film , that while watching it you can't help but just smile the entire time and wonder why that other production company can't make movies like this . the animated graphics are so great , that they look every bit of realistic . i saw previews for this film all last year , and i thought to myself wow , what a great movie this will be . i must say i was not disappointed at all , and the film is the best of 2001 so far , and will go down on my best of 2001 list at the end of the year . the voice talents are brilliant as well , with the comic genius mike myers . in the past he has been a wayne , an austin , and a person married to an ax murderer . now he is shrek , not only does he do the voice talent . . . but he is shrek . with his irish accent , and he lovable personality , shrek becomes a friend to the audience and warms your heart . eddie murphy who showed his voice talent in 1998s " mulan " does another bang up job here , and he is the comic relief in the film . the tones of his voice , the lines he utters , and the jokes he gives , he even outdoes the comic genius of robin williams in " aladdin " . the always beautiful cameron diaz gives the voice of princess fiona and she does a great job as well . she is very funny , and her character fits her to a t . of course the best supporting voice is john lithgow , who is personally one of my favorite actors . he as the bad guy lord farquaad does a great job in being both sinister and funny at the same time . at times i was so amazed by the computer graphics , that you can't help but just start looking at backgrounds . there is many hidden jokes in the film , and even reflections of light on the screen like a camera . " shrek " is a definite kid film , but not just a kid film for it is a film for the entire family to enjoy . there are many adult jokes in the film that the kids won't get , but the parents will be laughing . believe me though , everyone will be laughing the entire way through . in the end , " shrek " gives a very important message to it's audience to enjoy and be who you are . everybody out there is beautiful in their own way , even though it may be inside . there's not many words that can praise " shrek " enough , but my words to you is to stop what you are doing and see this movie now . " say , any of you know how to madison ? " --- brad " asshole " majors ( barry bostwick ) shows just how unhip he is after watching the kooky transylvanians wrap up their ode to the time warp in the cult classic the rocky horror picture show . the story behind the rocky horror picture show is one of legend . in the early 70's , stage actor turned first-time playwright richard o'brien decided he wanted to make a musical homage to the crazy b-movies he had grown up with as a child , set to a bunch of catchy rock tunes of his own design . the result was the stage play the rocky horror show , which opened to fairly decent reviews in london in 1973 and was even hailed the best musical of 1973 by prominent drama critics in england . the play was so successful that the film rights were immediately snapped up and production on the film began a mere year later , in october of 1974 . the film version ( now titled the rocky horror picture show ) was released in 1975 . . . and immediately tanked at the box office . whether it was because fox wasn't quite sure how to market it to audiences or that audiences didn't quite know what to make of it themselves has never really been determined , but the one common bit of knowledge about the film was that it was a huge flop . it seemed that the infectious spirit brought about by the stage version had not been infused into the film version and fox quickly had it pulled from theaters . a year later , something entirely strange and magical happened . prints of the film started to be distributed to theaters in small amounts and were circulating at midnight shows across the country , and it was then that a whole new audience found the film . this new audience was prone to dressing up like the characters from the film , acting out segments in front of the screen as the movie played , yelling rude comments at the screen , and just generally having a good time . word quickly spread about this new phenomena of interactive film and the rocky horror picture show's life as the ultimate cult film was born . for the virgins out there who are unaware , the plot centers around a loving couple , brad majors ( barry bostwick ) and janet weiss ( susan sarandon ) , who come from a small town called denton . brad and janet have just attended the wedding of two of their friends and decide that they also want to be wed . they plan a trip to see the man who led to their meeting , dr . everett scott ( jonathan adams , who played the narrator in the original stage version ) , but their car gets a flat on the way to his home . remembering a castle they had seen back a few miles down the road , they decide to walk there and see if the residents have a phone they might be able to use to call for assistance . the castle is actually the home of a race of aliens from the planet transsexual ( in the galaxy of transylvania ) , who are lead by the eccentric fishnet-stocking wearing mad scientist dr . frank-n-furter ( tim curry ) . frank-n-furter has masterminded the secret to creating life and has done so in the form of rocky ( peter hinwood ) . as rocky becomes accustomed to his new environment , brad and janet find themselves at the mercy of frank-n-furter's mad schemes . little do any of them know that the doctor's handyman , riff-raff ( original author richard o'brien ) , and domestic , magenta ( patricia quinn ) , are actually transsexual planetary protectors who have been sent to stop frank from spreading his alien evil all over the earth . going back and revisiting this film after ten years ( 1990 being the first time i had ever seen it ) , it is amazing to me that this film ever got made or has had the staying power that it has . if i had been a fox executive around the time of its release , i don't think i would have known what to make of it either . for all intents and purposes it is a bad movie ( though bad in a really good sort of way ) , but sumptuous production design and a great deal of incredibly catchy songs really help to increase the likability of the film . by the time the credits role , it is fairly easy to have gotten wrapped up in the film and its characters , and one really gets the feeling that richard o'brien definitely was a fan of the old cheesy b-movies his film is based on . when i say that the wall-to-wall songs are catchy what i really mean to say is that , once you hear them , they will be ingrained in your head for all of eternity . it goes without saying that the " time warp " is the most popular song in the film . even people who have never seen the movie know of that particular song . what those who haven't seen the movie don't know though , is that there are even more songs in the film that are just as worthy of acknowledgment . my personal favorite is " over at the frankenstein place " , but " dammit janet " is also maddeningly catchy . tim curry's vocals on the rocking tune " sweet transvestite " need to be heard to be believed . the finale of the film , a big floor show staged by frank-n-furter and featuring most of the cast in garters and fishnets ( including barry bostwick . . . frightening ! ) , features no less than four songs ( " rose tint my world " , " don't dream it " , " wild and untamed thing " , and " i'm going home " ) , all of which are immensely singable . the film's true popularity and longevity resides in its audience participation though . despite the catchiness of the songs , this movie would have been long forgotten about if it hadn't have been for the multitude of folks who dress up every friday or saturday night to rush out and be a part of their own little floor show . watching this film at home is nothing compared to actually experiencing this in a theater with hundreds of rabid fans ( unless you don't mind inviting friends over and letting them shoot water guns in your home or letting them throw rice and pieces of toast all over the place ) . note : director jim sharman brought back to the central characters of the film , in the form of a sequel , resulting in the very much forgotten film shock treatment , which picks up with brad and janet ( this time played by cliff de young and jessica harper ! ) as contestants on a game show in their home town of denton . the two are menaced by the evil tv station manager ( also played by de young ) , who wishes to claim janet as his own . o'brien returned as a writer/performer on the project ( as did quinn , campbell , and gray in performance capacity only ) , but the film had nowhere near the spirit of the original . 25 years later , this film is still the pinnacle of cult filmdom and is continuously screened at midnight all over the world . as a lasting testament to the longevity of the film and its legion of fans , a brand new special edition 2-disc dvd set has been released that is the most comprehensive compendium of rocky horror to date ( even out shining the laserdisc special edition that was released for its 20th anniversary ) . if you are one of those people who can't get enough of the film , this disc should be more than enough to satisfy your appetites . in an attempt to recreate the interactivity of the film , fox home entertainment has released this wonderful 2-disc dvd set loaded with so many extras that it'll take a good eight hours just to take in the majority of it all . the film itself is located on the first disc and has been given a beautiful transfer that shows it in its original aspect ratio of 1 . 85 : 1 ( enhanced for 16x9 televisions ) . the film is presented in two different versions , the us theatrical version and the uk version which adds a musical number during the finale called " superheroes " . for ambitious viewers , the disc also includes a hidden version ( located on the main menu by clicking left from the scene selection menu choice and highlighting a pair of lips in the lower left corner ) which presents the film in the manner it was originally supposed to have been seen . originally , the film was to have been similar to the wizard of oz , with the first half of the it seen in black and white ( and not changing to color until the transylvanians are first revealed to brad and janet during the time warp musical number ) . most reports , including a documentary on the disc , say that the color was supposed to appear when frank-n-furter first shows up in the elevator , but it does seem to work better where it was placed on this version , depicting the vast difference between the world brad and janet were used to compared with the one to which they are introduced . the film contains a commentary track by show creator ( and faithful handyman ) richard o'brien and co-star patricia quinn which is fairly enjoyable ( and quinn immediately starts off by refusing to speak about sarandon nearly contracting pneumonia while having to walk around wet and half-naked on freezing cold sets , which she apparently complained about the entire film and in future interviews ) . the two seem like old friends and have great stories to tell , but they also point out cast members that are sadly no longer with us anymore ( and there are quite a few ) . fox has also tried to recreate the feel of attending the film in a theater with several audience participation segments . the first feature ( and the most simple ) is a subtitle prompter which lets you know when to open up on people with your water guns or when the right time to throw your toast is . the second feature is an audience participation track , which lets you in on what you might hear on a good night out at the show . most of the comments are unintelligible because it is basically just a large group of people screaming their heads off , but every once and a while a comment can be heard that will invoke a bit of laughter . the final participation segment uses a technology very much like the technology used on the matrix dvd , where a pair of lips will appear on-screen during certain scenes of the film ( mostly during the musical numbers ) that can be selected by pressing enter on your remote . when selected , you will be taken out of the film and into a live participation version of the scene put on during one of the many screenings that occur all over the world . once the segment is over , you are deposited right back into the film where you left off . the first disc also contains a few dvd-rom goodies for those with that particular type of dvd player . there is a timeline of the evolution from the stage play version to worldwide cult sensation , a video jukebox , a you don't know jack-styled trivia game ( which is about as bare bones a you don't know jack parody as it can be ) , and a bizarre mad-libs styled word game known as riff-raff's story lab . links to the rocky horror websites are also available from the dvd-rom portion of the disc . the second disc features even more goodies for the person who loves extras . former lite-rock video channel turned music historians vh-1 have allowed some of their outtake footage from the " behind the music : rocky horror " special that they ran earlier in the year to be shown here , as well as a pop-up video for the meat loaf-sung " hot patootie " . the " behind the music " segments are all very interesting , especially richard o'brien's jaunt through the castle ( which is now a hotel ! ) where the film was originally shot . there are also extensions of the sarandon , bostwick , quinn , o'brien , and meat loaf interviews . as far as extras for the film itself go , there are two deleted musical numbers that are also included here . one of which is just the " superheroes " number available in the uk version , but there is also another rare musical number presented here called " once in a while " . a series of alternate takes are also presented here , but none of them are really much of a revelation ( except for the undressing scene in which we see that patricia quinn is having a hard time unbuttoning barry bostwick's pants ) . for the completist who must have every little bit of rocky horror paraphernalia , a misprinted end sequence and alternate credit sequence are also presented here . rounding out the disc is a decent documentary called rocky horror double feature video show , two theatrical trailers ( proclaiming that the film is " a different sort of jaws " ) , a still gallery , and two sing-a-longs ( for " toucha toucha touch me " and " sweet transvestite " ) . fox's special edition is the dvd set that rocky horror fans have been waiting for all their lives ( " you're lucky . . . i'm lucky . . . he's lucky . . . we're all lucky ! " ) . it's not just amazing enough that tons of classic italian films are finally getting their recognition in the u . s . , but even long standing traditions are finally receiving their due on the wonderful dvd format . as with their excellent dvds of the abyss , fight club , independence day , and the sound of music , fox shows that they have most certainly made the commitment to provide the things that dvd lovers want . i raise a toast to them ( cue the throwing of the bread ) as i cut out the lights , sit back , and watch those disembodied lips begin to sing about b-movie tradition . [r] in " magic town " , jimmy stewart is in peak form playing a pollster who heads to a " perfect " town to gauge their reactions on the sorts of issues that only poll-takers care about . however , as time progresses , and he finds himself falling in love with the town ( and a woman ) , he begins to see that what he's doing is wrong . the plot is standard stuff , but that's not important . in a film like this , it's the calibre of the actors that make or break it . obviously , since stewart stars , that's practically a non-issue . he's great in the film , as usual . there's just something about him that always manages to be endearing , even when he's deceiving the town folk . you're always on his side , and you desperately want to see all of his goals come to fruitition . the film was directed by a longtime frank capra script-writer , and it shows . this is the type of feel-good picture that capra is famous for . by the time " the end " shows up on screen , everything has been wrapped up very nicely . there are no loose ends , and virtually every character gets a happy ending ( those that deserve one , anyway ) . in this age of cynicism , it's refreshing to see a movie so upbeat . " magic town " is a delightfully entertaining motion picture . if you believe all old movies are slow-paced , you'd be well-advised to check this one out . kevin smith is like a big kid . his humor is that of a sophisticated juvenile's . he grew up idolizing star wars and loves comic books , having also written a few . he also has a cult following , mostly composed of teenagers , college students , and smith's own fellow adolescent-minded grownups . smith is hilarious in person and in writing , but when he tries to be earnest and moralize , that is when he goes wrong . kevin smith is a better writer than director , and he'll be the first to tell you that . that might also be part of the reason why his moralizing comes across as so heavy-handed . great directors show us their theses instead of having the characters sermonize them . this was true in the overrated chasing amy , and it is true for dogma as well . that is not to say smith's message is a bad one . in dogma , smith tells us that problems arise when people believe beyond any doubt that their insight into god and god's desires is superior to anyone else's . basically , dogmatism is bad . changing the minds of the dogmatic is virtually impossible , and since the dogmatic believe that they have special insight , they also know what is best for you , whether you like it or not . this is not exactly a new message in movies ( see inherit the wind ) , but i have no problems with recycling old ones , particularly since dogma's protesters are proving smith's point . smith's own problem with delivering this message is that he beats us over the head with it like we are reading a dogma for dummies book . but this is smith's personality , and his simplistic views neglect such adult issues as how does one interpret the bible ( or koran , etc . ) correctly ( or if there even is a correctly ) and how one settles disputes of heretofore dogmatic concerns . the story concerns abortion clinic worker bethany ( linda fiorentino ) being chosen by voice of god , metatron ( alan rickman ) , to prevent the destruction of the universe by two fallen angels , bartleby ( ben affleck ) and angel of death , loki ( matt damon ) . along the way , forgotten thirteenth apostle , rufus ( chris rock ) , stripper muse serendipity ( salma hayek ) , and slacker duo jay and silent bob ( jason mewes and kevin smith himself ) come to bethany's aid . fallen muse , azrael ( jason lee ) , proves to be the behind-the-scenes manipulator for all the chicanery . the logical but convoluted plot only exists as an excuse for the jokes and to make smith's points , and in itself , has little dramatic momentum . among the supposedly outrageous claims made by the film is that god is a woman , jesus was black , and the bible was written by a bunch of racist , misogynistic white men . of course , kevin smith does not necessarily subscribe to these ideas himself . they are a metaphor for the fears and insecurities of the dogmatic . smith says as much in his amusing disclaimer that precedes the movie . when harvey weinstein asked smith to put it into the film before cannes , smith thought it might give validation to protesters' claims that the film was sacrilegious , but then he rethought it and turned the disclaimer into a joke . the film's humor is uneven . some parts are very funny as when bethany goes for a fire extinguisher when metatron makes a burning-bush kind of entrance . but many of the film's jokes just bomb , as in virtually anything involving salma hayek's serendipity . also , some of the jokes can be seen coming from a mile away . still , smith keeps the zingers coming at a sufficiently rapid pace . among the actors , fiorentino and rickman stand out by far . fiorentino virtually by herself gives the film emotional weight . damon and affleck are fairly lackluster . rock and hayek exist in the film pretty much only as comic relief as are mews and smith . but the latter duo fare much better because jay and silent bob , who recur in all of smith's movies , are much more in line with smith's brand of humor . bud cort , george carlin , janeane garofalo , guinevere turner , and alanis morissette all make cameo appearances . review : ghost dog : the way of the samurai ( 1999 ) cast : forest whitaker , henry silva , cliff gorman , john tormey , gene riffini , victor argo , tricia vessey , isaach de bankole' , camille winbush director : jim jarmusch writer : jim jarmusch rating : good shot ( stars ) languid , yet pointed and focused , ghost dog : the way of the samurai sublimely savages our cultural fascination with the mafia and the sleek , ultra-cool , cinematic image of the hitman . juxtaposing the samurai's honor code of feudal japan against the tradition bound modus operandi of the american/italian mafia , it ceaselessly chips away with a sculptor's precision at the archaic foundations of both as they lumber , dinosaur-like , to function in the modern era . director jarmusch gleefully plays the iconoclast , ripping into mafioso precepts with splashes of acidic wit . using a palate of bleached colors , jarmusch lugubriously maintains a tone of desolation that belies the many sparks of laugh out loud humor punctuating the film . he doesn't cater to audience expectations of hyper-colorized , stylized violence and gunplay where no one dies . the action is presented in flat , brutal codas . bullets have permanence . death has consequences . the movie rises beyond standard conventions to become a meditation on the concepts of honor and loyalty . it is an anti-movie , of sorts . there are few photogenic , empathetic characters for the audience to fall in love with . this isn't a film that lovingly holds your hand . there are dark , contemplative moments and the film firmly holds you by the shoulder , just so , asserting itself for all to see . the fulcrum for the movie's thematic balancing act is ghost dog , a mafia hitman . a twist on the stereotypical image of the mob enforcer , ghost dog is a hilarious contradiction in terms . unlike the sleek , muscular killing machines one is accustomed to , we are given an inner city black man who is overweight and slovenly , replete with chapped , dirty hands and rumpled clothing . he wears a hooded sweatshirt , which he often pulls over his head , giving him a monk-like appearance . there are no acrobatic back flips and shiny super guns in his arsenal . he uses old , worn weapons and simply goes about his tasks in economical , efficient and pleasureless fashion . ghost dog is a disciple of the old ways of the samurai , distilling the essence of his life through the filter of a book , which he reads daily , hagakure : the way of the samurai . life consists of simple pleasures for him : ice cream , warm rooftop naps and good books . ghost dog lives , as it were , by the basic tenet expressed by his book ; one should start each day considering oneself as dead . living atop an abandoned building , surrounded by his flock of pet carrier pigeons , ghost dog exists in a netherworld lacking creature comforts and friends . he craves nothing more . as he puts it late in the film , " i've seen all i want to see . " he exists in a spiritual world of the mind , gaining moral sustenance from his readings . ghost dog wasn't always as he is presented . in several roshomon-like flashbacks , it's shown how ghost dog was assaulted by racist white males and beaten nearly to death until the timely intervention of a good samaritan , that " samaritan " being a foot soldier in an aging crime family . ghost dog pledges his life to the service of the man , louie ( tormey ) , as repayment . after years of loyal service , ghost dog is sent , by louie , to kill " handsome frank " , a made man within louie's organization who has run away with the crime boss's daughter , louise ( vessey ) . ghost dog wordlessly executes his task , witnessed by louise , whom he spares , as she sits watching a betty boop cartoon , clutching a copy of the book , roshomon . in a bit of synchronicity , louise loans the book to ghost dog . upset that frank was taken out by someone not from the family , the mob bosses , in turn , put out a hit on ghost dog in a perverse twist of loyalty to their assassinated comrade . the rest of movie holds the dated value systems of both the mafia and ghost dog up to the light of a new millennium with many acerbic asides as the two come factions come into conflict . the theme of old cartoons flares up time and again , each time showing cartoon violence that is in sharp counterpoint to the reality of ghost dog's world . each time a character is shown watching a cartoon , it's from the same era , betty boop , felix the cat , etc . , a reflection of days gone by . near the end , louise is watching a cartoon that's a departure from the previously shown ones . it's a bit of audacity on jarmusch's part that is nicely effective , despite it's surrealistic nature . as ghost dog floats through his world , his life is touched by two people . one is a sage little girl ( winbush ) who connects with ghost dog through their love of reading . she comes to symbolize a melding of the old ways and new sensibilities , just as louise ultimately does . by film's end , the fact that jamusch is so effective at illustrating the tenuous bond between the two is a testament to his skill as a writer . the other person in ghost dog's world is an ice cream ( de bankole' ) vendor who only speaks french , yet intuitively shares a rapport with ghost dog . the vendor is the literal stranger in a strange land . jarmusch , through rapper/composer rza , underscores his film with rap and reggae music , which at first blush seems dichotomous , but its primal rhythms serve to strengthen the fundamental nature of the movie . ghost dog seems to draw some type of strength from the rap music he listens to as he negotiates the streets in various stolen cars . ( which , in and of itself , presents another paradox about ghost's dog's sense of honor . ) the head mafioso is played by henry silva with a stone faced resignation . of all the cartoonish mobsters , he is the only one who appears self aware of his state in the world . gorman plays sonny , a lieutenant who respects the old ways , yet has a quirky affinity for rap music , a love comically shown in several impromptu displays . ruffini seems the truest reflection of the mafia . he is a husk of a man , assisted by two hearing aids , who barks out advice without truly hearing what he , or others are saying . whitaker carries the film by using what truly great actor's use , his face . ghost dog is reticent to speak , often going for long periods without doing so . the fact that whitaker can convey such a wide range of emotion through a gesture or look is a remarkable talent . although the film has a deliberate pace , some of the late night drives and walks taken by ghost dog dragged the momentum down . truly tragic is how ghost dog misinterprets japanese honor in his final confrontation with the mob . he reveals himself to be so desperate for spiritual guidance through the hagakure that he fails to truly adapt it to what is real and true in his world . carried on the shoulders of a remarkable performance by whitaker , ghost dog rises beyond being a characterization or icon , into a figure that garners sympathy , if not a bit of pity . i rented " brokedown palace " last night blind , having heard nothing about it beforehand , and i enjoyed it immensely despite some flaws . for anyone wishing to have the same experience i would suggest reserving judgement of the movie until viewing it in its entirety . that is no easy task . superficially , it bears an unfortunate ( and not necessarily unintended ) resemblance to several other movies , notably " return to paradise " and " midnight express . " as a result nearly every review of " brokedown palace " i subsequently read became hopelessly entangled in making the obvious comparisons . the consequence was nearly universal condemnation , which is a shame as this is a fine film . for those who have yet to view the movie , let me say that it is not an attempt to portray the nightmarish reality of the third world criminal justice system ( as was " midnight express " ) nor completely the moral dilemma and examination of the meaning of friendship and humanity that was the heart of " return to paradise . " in my view , if this film is to be compared to any other source it would have to be joseph conrad's acclaimed novel , " lord jim . " problematically , the basic storyline seems more than familiar : two american teenage girls on vacation are sentenced to spend most of their lives in a thai prison for drug smuggling in an obvious set-up involving a suave con-man , a shadowy criminal conspiracy and a corrupt third world " justice " system . the girls are alice ( claire danes ) and darlene ( kate beckinsale ) . they're life-long buddies who planned a high-school graduation trip to hawaii , and then secretly changed their destination to the more exotic thailand without telling their parents . once there , they find a $6 hotel and go sight-seeing , which includes sneaking into a luxury hotel to sip expensive drinks poolside . they get caught trying to charge the bill to the wrong room , a minor transgression which will later come back to haunt them , but they are saved from hotel security by a charming , friendly australian , nick ( daniel lapaine ) , who takes care of the bill with a more polished execution of the girl's scam . he then proceeds to separate the girls and make smooth moves , first toward alice , then toward darlene . by now alarm bells are going off among viewers . the ever-present nick is too slick and his stories don't add up ( to us ) --the girls , of course , are too naive to notice . long before it happens , we're anticipating the inevitable disappearance of the fast-talking smuggler and the arrest of our teenaged sitting-ducks at the airport en route to hong kong caught holding the bag ( literally ) containing heroin . just as predictably , the thai police and courts do their part in meting out injustice and our trusting tourists are prison-bound for a long stretch . left unanswered is the red herring issue of whether one or the other of the girls was a willing accomplice . for those in need of a ready answer , might i suggest closer scrutiny of the bell hop at the girl's fleabag hotel . as one door after another to their comfortable former life is closed , the girls and their families turn in desperation to the noiresque expatriate lawyer/fixer " yankee hank " ( bill pullam ) and his thai-born partner-wife . a recurring element of the movie is the tension between appearance and reality as expressed in one of the film's tag lines , " who do you trust ? , " and hank is no exception although seasoned movie- goers and those familiar with pullman's oeuvre will find few surprises . much of the remainder of the movie is a smorgasbord of intriguing themes incompletely explored in short-hand fashion . lou diamond phillips , for instance , plays a delightfully sinister and callous dea agent who , while appearing to be casually accommodating to hank , withholds vital information at crucial moments . is he part of a wider conspiracy ? with an inherently powerful , if somewhat tired premise , the film offers by parts a riveting courtroom drama , a prison story , and a potential character study of american teens , their relationship , and what constitutes friendship between them . the result is reasonably engaging and suspenseful , with the girls' interaction , hank's investigation , and the various trials and hearings , offering hope for their release , delivering tension--as does the foredoomed possibility of their escape . if " brokedown palace " has a major flaw , it is its creators' tendency , like time-constrained tourists , to take frequent side trips down fascinating alleys only to reverse direction half-way down and return to the story's main avenue . and , if that were all there was to " brokedown palace , " it wouldn't be a very good movie . but i believe the writers and director were after bigger game and , in this , they succeeded . for the main theme of the movie , like the proffered name of its location , is freedom--in all its permutations . ultimately , the other sub-themes may be considered window dressing . young and pretty , alice ( danes ) is an old soul ; a wild , streetwise teenager with a thirst for freedom and adventure . presented as a perfect blend of yin and yang , dark and light , is her cautious best friend , darlene ( beckinsale ) . clear-eyed and straightforward , alice is more complex than her friend . she comes from a poorer background , has a reputation for getting into trouble and has lost the trust of everyone ( including her own father ) . whereas darlene's life is " on-track , " aimed at college , marriage , kids , a career , a suburban home , middle age and " fulfillment , " alice's is uncertain , unfocused , and yearning . one poignant scene in the film shows darlene shouting across an open moat to visitors--friends and relatives from home , whose lives continue while hers is in limbo . tellingly , alice is present but not included . just as revealing of their different personalities , when alice and dar first come to thailand , the openness and delight on alice's face doesn't read as simple naivet ? ; the way she stands up and stretches as she and her friend ride along in a small boat , reaching toward the sun , she really is drinking in what she believes to be freedom , while " dar " remains seated in the shade . " brokedown palace " begins with an admission by alice of her guilt in a tape recording sent to hank . however unintentional , it's all alice's fault . she's responsible for persuading her friend to lie to her parents , to sneak away from the safety of hawaii to the perils of thailand , to try the petty scam which places them in the clutches of the evil nick . ( in case one misses this point in the inevitable confusion of a film's beginning , darlene obligingly reminds alice of her culpability in prison . ) dar , of course , is the willing dupe which , in her view , confers innocence . never mind that it was her coercion of a reluctant alice to accompany her to hong kong which placed them in police custody in the first place or that her naive confession sealed their fate . dar is innocent . it doesn't matter . alice is the subject of this movie . she and her journey toward personal freedom . along the way we are treated to an unsympathetic portrait of the shallow american culture which created these girls with their half-baked sensibilities and materialistic goals . in the end , that culture , like its representatives , " yankee " hank and dar's father ( a " man who knows how to grease the wheels " ) , proves as impotent as its government in the face of the girl's tragedy . thailand's culture , contrary to most opinion , comes off much better by comparison . it amazes me that reviewers argued this point at both extremes . i believe the filmmaker's view was that thai culture is vastly different from the american but not necessarily inferior . the thai ( with the sole exceptions of a corrupt official and a spiteful prison spy ) were uniformly consistent in their behavior and true to their principles . the girls were shown to be treated no better but certainly no worse than the native-born . their prison ( in stark contrast to the probable reality ) was no hellhole , being relatively clean and sunlit . the prison authorities demanded good hygiene , provided medical care when needed , and " hard manual labor " consisted of picking grass ! the thai guards were authoritarian ( what else ? ) but certainly not routinely sadistic . as for the thai justice system , the reasoning of the thai judges , during both an appeal hearing and in the film's penultimate scene was devastating in its logic and morality . 'freedom' has many faces and " brokedown palace " explores many of them . in the extreme , we have freedom of the body and freedom of the spirit . some settle for the former alone while others remain imprisoned with an entire nation to roam without the latter . but freedom seldom comes without a price . which is why the movie's other tag lines are : " what is your dream ? " and " how far would you go ? " i believe i could make a good case for the interpretation that the person who attains freedom , incarcerated or not , by film's end is alice . she finds redemption and salvation through the acceptance of personal responsibility . i think the light bathing only her figure among the assembled prisoners in the final scene visually signals that fact . kate beckinsale's character might more properly be likened to the " released " temple bird referred to twice during the film , " trained to fly back to its cage . " as the thai magistrate observed in the film's climactic scene , the issue was always one of " character ; " and the jamaican prisoner made it clear that " freedom " is achieved within oneself . if one thinks back over the movie , which character was transformed by their experiences ? increasingly , the cinema landscape seems to have become littered with endless permutations of 'kung fu woman'--female characters virtually indistinguishable from male action figures . here , at last , is the story of a modern heroine . in reading the many user's comments , i was struck by what seems an unusual phenomenon : whether or not a person liked the movie , almost everyone praised the actors . think about that . when was the last time you came away from a motion picture possibly hating it , but raving about all the performances in it ? do yourself a favor : rent " brokedown palace " and watch it with a open mind . there's more there than meets the eye . everyone's heard about this movie , and more specifically , * the * scene . everyone's heard the famous barnyard animal quote squealed ( no pun intended ) over and over . and everyone's got to admit that they will never travel down a river again without thinking of deliverance . good ! that's what you're supposed to do ! oh , if you are one of the ones who hasn't seen this yet , or you ( somehow ) haven't heard about what happens , here's your spoiler warning . deliverance was a real shocker for it's time ( 1972 ) . major advances were being made in films , and deliverance made its own advances when it introduced a new horror into the film industry . when it was first released , it literally shocked the audiences . it was something that , for the most part , had really never been seen on the big screen before ( among wide-release films with an r rating ) . but by today's film standards and in today's world , such scenes as the one in deliverance can be reproduced in a way that isn't as shocking , although they can be even more graphic ( e . g . pulp fiction ) . pulp fiction did it in a way , and expanded on it in a way , that it could even be interpreted as funny . but in 1972 , deliverance was no laughing matter . the story centers around a group of four atlanta men who decide to take a rafting trip down a backwoods river in georgia while the river is still there and in its glory . the initial leader of the group is lewis ( burt reynolds in his prime ) , a real outdoorsman and more of a daniel boone-type then any of the others . joining him are ed ( jon voight ) , bobby ( ned beatty ) , and drew ( ronny cox ) . the group's first objective is to find someone ( s ) to drive their cars down the river to the point where they will end their trip . they make arrangements with a few mountain men , who accept $40 . 00 for the task . drew also has the famous " dueling banjos " competition with a local who is , let us say , genetically challenged . the men then set off down the river , with lewis , also the master at canoeing , leading the way . everything seems to be going fine , until the two canoes split up , leaving the unexperienced ed and bobby alone . they encounter two hillbillies , armed with a shotgun , who captured them . ed is tied to a tree while bobby is sodomized by one of the men . ed nearly receives the same cruelty , but lewis arrives just in time to fire an arrow through the rapist's back . the other hillbilly gets away , and the men have to decide what to do with the dead body . disposing of dead bodies is done rather frequent throughout this film . while attempting to make a quick " paddle for it " , both canoes tip over . drew , who was without a life jacket , was possibly shot and cannot be found . lewis suffered a rather nasty compound fracture during the incident and is in serious condition . this leaves ed and bobby . ed decides to go out and look for the remaining hillbilly , alone , with the bow and arrow . the question arises if he will be able to handle himself , as he horribly botched a first shot attempt at a deer , to which his comment " i wonder how anyone could kill a living thing " will have more meaning in the future . deliverance is definitely a wild ride ( oops , i'm doing it again ) . it is extremely tense at some points and very dramatic . it's definitely one of those " must see " movies and should be considered one of the classics of its decade . in october of 1997 , audiences were dazzled by the horror surprise hit i know what you did last summer . the film went on to gross over 70 million dollars in the u . s . , and even developed a cult following , much like the previous year's 100 million dollar grossing scream . when the trailer hit theaters in september attached to urban legend , it looked like a wonderful follow-up . did it live up to the first film ? the answer is no . jennifer love hewitt returns as julie james , a survivor of the serial killer that attempted to kill her and her friends a year before . she has been so upset since the incident . nightmares haunt her all over the place , but she has to move on . she know attends college , and is best friends with a funny , outgoing girl named karla ( brandy ) , who is trying to hook julie up with will benson , played by newcomer matthew settle . karla's boyfriend is tyrell , the funny , outgoing type , who is played by soul food's mekhi phifer . freddie prinze jr . also returns as ray , julie's boyfriend from a year ago . one morning , julie and karla are called up by a local radio station who are offering four tickets to the bahamas if they can correctly identify the capital of brazil . of course , they answer it correctly , and they are off to the bahamas . julie wants ray to come , but he declines the offer , so karla secretly invites will instead to help boost her plan of hooking him up with julie . after they arrive at their hotel , it is just them and the staff on the island . it starts off as the weekend of their dreams . something just had to come to mess up the one care-free weekend of julie's life though . ben willis ( muse watson ) is back , and he isn't letting anyone survive this time . will ray come to the rescue before he can kill them off one by one ? jennifer love hewitt and brandy turn in respectable performances . brandy in particular was impressive , considering this is her first feature film . you could see that the characters were horrified , and they would do anything possible to survive . matthew settle and freddie prinze jr . are a completely different story . let's start with settle . matthew is completely fake in this film . you could not believe a word coming out of his mouth . you could tell he was acting , and its reasons like him that this one isn't as good as the first one . he does do a good job towards the end , but that doesn't clear up the scars he already left on the film . freddie prinze jr . is almost as bad as matthew settle was . he is almost completely unbelievable , and the majority of his lines are completely meaningless and out of place . we don't see him as much as settle , otherwise he could have done just as much damage as settle did . mekhi phifer is alright as tyrell , but yet again the dialogue is out of place . the plot of i still know turns out to be a pretty good one at the end of the movie . i like where the filmmakers went with this second installment , but maybe if it occurred in the same town as the first one , it would have been a bit better . the cinematography and setting of their island are simply wonderful . there are a lot of very nice shots around their hotel . the sound is pretty good , but still not as creepy as the first film's . jennifer love hewitt's song , " how do i deal " is also played for about thirty seconds . i still know what you did last summer is nothing compared to the first film . the first film was very suspenseful , and it contained some very memorable scenes . the last fifteen minutes of i still know what you did last summer really picked up , and almost reached the same level as the first film . before this part in the film , there are many unnecessary deaths and fake scares . that is okay though , because the film is still very much fun and there are a few suspenseful scenes . i think the reason this film wasn't as scary as the original was because in the first one , the killer terrorized the people involved in the incident . he made them suffer for what they did . in the second film , ben willis just kills anyone he feels like . he doesn't stick with ray and julie , who were the ones he is actually after . he had to go after karla , will , and tyrell . if the characters he stalked were in some relation to the incident that went on when he was ran over by julie , ray , helen , and barry , it could have been much better , and it would have made a lot more sense . the bottom line- not a disappointment , but a third in the series would be out of hand . brian depalma needs a hit * really * badly . since scoring big with the untouchables in 1987 , depalma has seen casualties of war , raising cain and particularly the disastrous bonfire of the vanities go down in flames . consequently , it would be easy enough to consider carlito's way a shrewd commercial choice for depalma , reteaming with al pacino ( scarface ) and returning to the gangland ground which has yielded his two greatest box office successes . it doesn't hurt any that he has latched on to a solid story and brought out dynamite performances from pacino and sean penn . carlito's way , while hampered by depalma's characteristic excesses and stylistic cannibalism , is a truly tense and engrossing drama . carlito brigante ( pacino ) is a life-long criminal who finds himself unexpectedly given a second chance . in 1975 , carlito is released from prison after serving only five years of a thirty year sentence when his conviction is overturned on a technicality . he declares himself reformed , tired of life on the streets and determined to fulfill his simple dream of buying into a rental car business in the bahamas . among those who find this conversion hard to believe are david kleinfeld ( penn ) , carlito's crooked attorney and childhood friend , and bodyguard pachanga ( luis guzman ) . carlito rediscovers old flame gail ( penelope ann miller ) , and seems ready to retire in peace . old ways die hard , though , and old associates pull carlito step by step back into a life he can't seem to shake . carlito's way will probably make the strongest impression with the two outstanding set pieces which bracket the film . in the first , carlito accompanies his young cousin on a drug buy which will have anyone with a pulse on the edge of their seat ; the film closes with an equally thrilling chase through the new york subway and grand central station . both highlight depalma's gift for choreographed mayhem , and these are not the only occasions when the stage blood flows freely . yet for all the viscera , i found the character study even more compelling . carlito brigante has a lot of michael corleone in him , an aging gangster trying unsuccessfully to go legit . but where the culmination of the godfather saga played like opera , there's more of an immediacy to carlito's way , an ever-present sense of doom launched by the title sequence which sets the flashback story in motion . you sense that there's no way , after so many years , that carlito can stay out of trouble . indeed , he observes that his attempt at the straight life is more a function of time than a change of heart : " you don't get reformed ; you just run out of wind . " pacino captures carlito's dilemma with surprising subtlety and the cautious observation borne of years of experience watching every corner for an enemy . sean penn is even better , turning in his best performance to date as kleinfeld . a jew in the world of puerto rican and italian wiseguys , kleinfeld is an outsider with a huge chip on his shoulder . he could have been simply pathetic , a heavy drinker and cocaine addict playing tough with guys way out of his league , but penn invests kleinfeld with tremendous nervous energy and an overwhelming survival instinct . he shows a man moving steadily towards the brink , making the moment he goes over quite jolting . as compelling as the narrative is , viewers may experience a profound sense of deja vu . depalma continues to steal shamelessly from other directors , this time adding scorsese to his repertoire with a point of view tracking shot and a copacabana scene with more than passing resemblances to goodfellas . he even recycles some of his own previous plagiarisms , like a 360 degree swing around a kiss ( vertigo via body double ) and the climactic shootout which will strike many as far too reminiscent of the train station sequence from the untouchables . from a story standpoint , there's an obligatory love story with a cliche'd long-suffering girlfriend character . penelope ann miller is a good but limited actor who doesn't do anything new with the role , and eventually she becomes just a distraction , never integrated fully enough into the story . still , it's easier to be forgiving of superficial flaws when the backbone is so solid . the two principle characters held an iron grip on my attention , one all the cinematic thievery in the world couldn't break . carlito's way plays like a tragic novel : deliberate , confident and powerful . those willing to grant depalma his tendencies towards the extreme should find themselves well- rewarded . i've never been a huge fan of jeff bridges , but i loved him in the big lebowski . the part of jeff " the dude " lebowski was reportedly written specifically with bridges in mind , and the fit is perfect . the dude is an unemployed denizen of los angeles , a hippie slob on a bowling team with a soft spot for white russians . he's enjoying a leisurely soak in the tub when two thugs break into his apartment demanding to be paid for the money his wife owes . after much pleading he convinces them they have the wrong guy , but not before they urinate on his rug . the dude assumes that these " collection agents " were after another jeff lebowski , a famous millionaire who also lives in l . a . so he goes to meet his namesake to ask for enough money to replace his rug . the millionaire refuses , but calls him back when he discovers his wife has been kidnaped . he wants the dude to act as go-between for the kidnapers . dude and his friend walter ( john goodman ) take on the task , and get caught in an intricate web of kidnapers , millionaires , high schoolers , nihilists , artists , pornographers , thugs , and league bowlers . comedy is perhaps the most subjective of genres , so take my recommendation as you will : for me , the big lebowski is very funny . it is an incredibly successful comedy , the ratio of laughs to intended jokes much higher than in most films . not only are the two leads ( bridges and goodman ) funny separately and together , but each supporting character is a refreshing comic figure . all the characters end up as the butt of jokes , but the jokes are always deserved and never contrived . each person may be a comic caricature , but there is always a respectful self-acceptance that lets us laugh at these people without condescension . the characters are firmly established , and they never change their behavior for a quick , cheap laugh . it's not what they do that's funny , it's who they are , which is why the acting is so important , and so successful , in this movie . worth mentioning are john turturro as jesus ( that's jee-zus , not hay-soos ) , the greaser bowler who's in a lusty marriage with the game ; julianne moore as the post-post-feminist artist whose work has been described as " vaginal ; " steve buscemi as the eager tagalong bowler who is constantly rebuked and ignored by teammates dude and walter ; and sam elliott as the rambling , long-winded narrator . aside from the performances , what makes all the characters funny and interesting is the astute dialogue . people lose trains of thought , they interrupt , they boast , they repeat themselves , they repeat their friends . . . they sound natural . taken with fargo , the coen brothers' last film , it is evidence that the brothers are observant listeners and gifted writers . ethan coen is not just good at directing actors , he's also good at technical directing . he and cinematographr roger deakins created a beautiful world on film . perhaps " beautiful " is the wrong word ; nihilists , carpet-pissers and thugs are not objects of beauty . but the bowling photography and a series of viking/bowling fantasy dream sequences are lovingly photographed , as though the dude himself were in charge of immortalizing them on film . all around , the big lebowski is great , solid comedy . outstanding acting , writing , direction and photography all combine to make this a great comic success . synopsis : captain picard and the crew of the starship enterprise disobey federation orders and defend a peaceful community of 600 , the ba'ku , from the evil admiral dougherty and ru'afro . the enterprise crew , in the meantime , experience the rejuvenating qualities of the ba'ku homeworld : lt . worf grows a pimple , data sings opera pieces , picard scores with a ba'ku chick , riker shaves while sharing a bubblebath with troi , and the enterprise women note their firmer breasts . comments : " star trek : the next generation " was a hugely successful sequel tv series to " star trek , " a science fiction series which developed a devoted fan following in the 1970s . even though it still enjoyed high ratings , " star trek : the next generation " ended production after seven years so that the cast could replace the original " star trek " 's cast in paramount's film franchise centering on the voyages of the starship enterprise . star trek : insurrection is the ninth " star trek " movie and the third to focus on the " star trek : the next generation " crew . star trek : insurrection qualifies as one of those movies star trek fans , such as myself , would rate somewhere between " okay " and " good . " after star trek v : the final frontier , a nearly awful movie almost as bad as the repugnant " star trek : voyager " tv series , " star trek " fans could probably swallow anything paramount throws out in the trek film franchise . i don't wish to spend this review comparing insurrection to the eight other trek movies . most people reading this probably haven't followed " star trek " anyway , so a comparison would seem tedious at best . let me , thus , make my comparisons briefly so that it's out of my system : star trek : insurrection is not as good as the previous installment , star trek : first contact ; star trek : insurrection's comic tone may be best compared to star trek iv : the voyage home ; star trek ii : the wrath of khan is still the best trek movie . okay . let's move to the movie itself . star trek : insurrection infuses a basic science fiction premise , humanity's exploration and colonization of space , with a lot of lowbrow humor and witty oneliners . this combination works well more often than it fails , but when it does fail , the humor really seems cheesy . much of this film appeals to trek fans' nostalgic fondness for the starship enterprise's crew . audiences unfamiliar with trek lore may miss the significance of some plot points and may even become confused at times . star trek : insurrection begins with scenes of the tranquil life on the ba'ku homeworld . forget the actors and special effects , the beautiful setting of this movie , with its snowy mountaintops and verdant valleys , steals the show . this tranquility , however , is broken by data , an android , who reveals to the ba'ku that they are being secretly monitored by the federation and their alien allies , the son'a . it seems that this world is a veritable fountain of youth , sustaining its inhabitants indefinantly in a young , healthy state . the enterprise crew , led by captain picard , investigates data's actions and uncovers a conspiracy between the son'a and an enterprise admiral to relocate the ba'ku and plunder the planet's youth-restoring properties . sound pretty heavy ? it is , though this plot , anything but unique and groundbreaking , is undermined by the film's constant barrage of humor . when going after data , for instance , picard sings an opera piece with him ( this is supposed to be cute and humorous ) . in a much more funny sequence , work grows a large pimple on the side of his nose as a result of his exposure to the ba'ku homeworld , a pimple which his crewmates , try as they might , cannot avoid looking at . the acting in star trek : insurrection is , for the most part , pretty good . since they've been playing these characters for years , those portraying the enterprise crew reassume their roles effortlessly enough . the terrific actor patrick stewart plays captain jean-luc picard and delivers a moral speech , picard's trademark , with his usual aplomb . brent spiner , another fine actor , plays the android data well enough again and provides the best moments of comic relief in the film ( though the old android-wishing-to-be-human motif will tire some trek fans familiar with the routine from the tv series ) . the supporting cast who appear in this movie alone are also pretty good . despite many other critics' negative opinions , f . murray abraham ( the winner of an academy award for his performance in amadeus ) plays the major villain ru'afro well enough . ru'afro reminds me , somewhat , of the baron harkonnen in the 1984 film version of dune . like the baron , ru'afro continuously has his skin looked after : it is stretched and stapled by servants . in one particularly memorable scene , ru'afro becomes very agitated , and his facial skin splits open and bleeds . ru'afro is no khan from star trek ii--the best trek villain ever--but he is much better than the forgettable dr . soran from star trek : generations . ( okay , i promise , no more comparisons . ) donna murphy must also be noted as a ba'ku woman , anij , who picard falls in love with . murphy is not a young woman with a supermodel body ; she is a mature woman with an attractive countenance . this is the type of woman whom picard , for those who know the character well , would be enchanted with . in fact , the chemistry between murphy and stewart works very well here . a particular plot point involving anij's ability to slow time down , an ability which she shares with picard , becomes one of the most intriguing parts of the movie . for as good as the actors and setting were , star trek : insurrection's special effects were surprisingly disappointing . they proved adequate , sometimes barely , for a 1990s mainstream science fiction film , but they fell way short of the standard trek movie and paled in comparison to those seen in the trailer for star wars : the phantom menace ( a trailer which reportedly preceded many showings of insurrection ) . the space battles involving the enterprise and sona ships , in particular , seemed trite and unsuspenseful , and the final confrontation between picard and ru'afro took place on a completely unconvincing interior of a satellite . the new enterprise itself , only seen in this film and its predecessor , remains largely unexplored , though its exterior doesn't look quite right for a reason i cannot explain . despite star trek : insurrection's frequent comic goofiness and occasional substandard special effects , i enjoyed the film . it maintains roddenberry's largely optimistic view of the future and rejects the gritty violence of its predecessors , particularly star trek : first contact ( though , don't get me wrong , the dark tones of trek films like first contact can work very successfully ) . i'd recommend insurrection as a matinee film for a saturday afternoon , especially for fans of trek or science fiction in general . rated pg , i can't see this film being objectionable to the viewing audience , young or old . us critic-type people are always shaking our heads and telling everyone that movies aren't thrill rides , but i think that " back to the future ii " is one of the few exceptions . if the original film had the spirit of the 1950s , then this has the spirit of the 80s : full of fights ; chase scenes ; cliff hangers ; special effects ; some detective work ; and of course the vision of the high-tech future . the film picks up exactly where the first film left off , with doc ( lloyd ) , marty ( fox ) , and jennifer ( elizabeth shue ) travelling 30 years into the future , because something bad is going to happen to marty and jennifer's kids . doc tells marty he must take his son's place at an incident that will cause a chain reaction if marty mcfly jr . says yes to griff ( wilson - in one of four different roles ) . whoever said history tends to repeat itself wasn't joking , especially when it comes to the movies . essentially the same chase scene that marty endured in the 50s takes place again in the year 2015 , but it's not as authentically exciting this time because it is so obviously a parody of itself . at the end of the situation marty has changed the course of history for the better , and it seems like everything's copasetic right ? wrong . since when do things go according to plan in the " back to the future " movies ? there are so many minor conflicts and details that effect the plot and the direction of the story i won't even bother to list them all . basically we get to see marty as an old man , his house , his family , etc . we also go back to an alternate 1985 , and then back again to 1955 , with everything happening so fast the film never stops to catch a breath . the films' best aspect is the fact that it actually goes back to the first movie and shows a lot of the action that occurred from another angle . it's difficult to convey the sense of wild and zany fun without describing every little detail . the only thing sacrificed in this film is the suspense . instead of a grand finale , we get lots of little victories . by the end everything is back to normal , but something happens that leads to yet another sequel , but it doesn't seem gratuitous . " back to the future part ii " is a really great adventure movie . it certainly has more originality than other films but it lacks a certain charm that was dominate throughout its predecessor . magnolia left me relling from the theatre , staggering from the relentless assault of an adventurous director reveling in his craft . at nearly three and a half hours , magnolia will strike some as a brute of a film . it not only demands your attention , but challenges you to grasp the significance of seemingly unrelated storylines and hidden intentions . it is delirious , depressing , heady , pretentious , surreal filmmaking . it's also a movie that will polarize its viewers . director paul thomas anderson takes a talented cast , wraps them in a net of interrelated stories and sets them spinning in a symphony of despair whose song doesn't let up until an oddly exhilerating , biblically influenced pseudo-climax . the character's make up a modern day gomorrah in the soulless way in which they live their lives . there is frank mackey ( tom cruise ) , a slithery snake charmer of men whose " search and destroy " seminars teach how to mentally rape a woman to get into her pants . there is earl partridge ( jason robards ) , a dying media tycoon yearning to make amends for a lfe of callousness by finding his estranged son . there is game show host jimmy gator ( phillip baker hall ) , a self absorbed tv icon who is hiding more than a few secrets from his public . and there is police officer jim kurring ( john c . reilly ) , who cloaks himself in the codification of organized religion and the legal system , perhaps masking a man who needs rules to fuel his decision making process . given equal weight are stories involving a coke-addled emotional cripple ( melora walters ) , a former tv quiz show champion ( william h . macy ) . a materialistic , adulterous wife ( julianne moore ) , a child ( jeremy blackman ) victimized by a mentally abusive parent , and a caring , empathetic nurse ( philip seymour hoffman ) . hovering over all these characters is a cloud of death , lies and despair . it is not a pleasant movie . there is not one bad note in the acting . it is affecting and layered and wonderful . there is a moment where tom cruise wordlessly implodes that rivals work he has done in whole films . then he tops himself with a mesmerizing deathbed scene . walters plays her character with red-eyed rawness and a fierce self-destructiveness that is anxiety inducing . robards convincingly portrays a fading whisper of a man , who still hears a lion's roar when he speaks . director anderson has apparently given the actors lattitude to emote . the problem is that he stays on them too long . julianne moore's character , linda , quickly escalates to a frenzied pitch of guilt , tears , screaming and remorse and never backs off from it . after a few hours , it turns from interesting to chinese water torture . quite a few scenes , such as the game show , go on just a bit too long and will be off-putting for those used to a pat 90 minute film where the main theme is reiterated several times just in case you missed it the first go around . and just what is the theme ? alienation ? hopelessness ? anderson challenges you to draw your own conclusions and he doesn't make it easy . the film starts by showing three , strange and seemingly unrelated events . it's a harbinger of the synchronicity to come . at times , different stories reach reach key moments at the same time . other times , stories seem to veer off into uncharted territory , regardless of what else is happening . anderson is audacious enough to even have a group sing in the middle of the film ! what's surprising is that it mostly works . if you have doubts about anderson's intentions , i'll ask you to pay attention to the final frame . despite all the sturm und drang , magnolia ultimately speaks to man's capacity for hope and attempts at redemption . despite magnolia's needlessly long running time and its propensity for uneven editing as anderson plays the auteur , showing off fro the masses , i have to admire his guts . this is truly adventurous filmmaking that spits in the face of conventional storytelling . my rating : a bulleye . ( stars ) a side note : helping anchor the film is a perfectly matched soundtrack featuring aimee mann . her lyrics often add depth to a scene thematically while the actual music is both morose and beautiful . when she sings " save me " at the end , it enhances the yearning felt by the characters , just as " wise up " mirrors the anguish felt by all as they contemplate their lives . a group of high school kids mix up with a group of hip-hop artists as a documentarian strives to discover why today's youth seem attracted to black culture . the review if black & white , the new film from writer/director james toback , is eventually remembered for only one thing , it will be the revelation that brooke shields , claudia schiffer , marla maples and mike tyson can act . however , this partly improvised gem will be remembered for more than that . black & white is a fascinating film ; it makes a statement about america's youth and hip-hop culture without getting heavy-handed overly serious . featuring a cast of known commodities ( ben stiller , robert downey jr . ) and hot newcomers ( singers bijou phillips ) , toback's is a complex film worth seeing . black & white has multiple storylines that are all related to each other , a la robert altman . there is dean the basketball player ( allan houston ) who is asked to rig games for money by mark clear ( stiller ) in exchange for fifty grand a game . this eventually spills over into the life of dean's long-time friend rich ( power ) , a gangsta who controls 20 city blocks of harlem . rich has to deal with the imminent opening of a white-owned club on his turf . meanwhile , the young white girls who like to hang around with rich and his homies get talked into being in a documentary by sam donager ( shields ) and her gay husband terry ( downey jr . ) . others who make appearances are william lee scott as the young white punk will , joe pantoliano as his district attorney father , jared leto as a high school teacher , marla maples as the mother of one of hip-hop crazed teens , claudia schiffer as dean's girlfriend , and mike tyson as . . . mike tyson . the stories ebb and flow through the film , losing and gaining prominence over time . friendships are lost , lovers are gained , and there is an occasional burst of violence . originally rated nc-17 in the united states , black & white features a lot of sex between black gangstas and young white girls . while the film was trimmed down to a tamer r rating , viewers will wonder what could be more explicit than what they are seeing . the three-way sexual beginning of the film nicely warns viewers of what they are in for , and several audience members got up and left at that point . the frequent sex is one of the film's few flaws as the titillation is overdone and at times completely unrelated to anything else going on in the film . to toback's credit , the level of violence in black & white is almost nil . these gangstas and hip-hop artists are given real problems and concerns , and only become gun-toting crazies when it benefits them to appear that way . whenever a character finds himself on donager's handheld digital camera , he starts spouting off righteous tirades on america and proclaims his independence , but not everyone has fully bought into the idea . charlie ( phillips ) is full of bluster about why she loves hip-hop , but admits that " in ten years time , i'll be way over this . " these youth know they are going through a phase , and are simply enjoying it . toback fills the spaces between these tirades with scenes that are lightweight and funny . most of the humour comes from mike tyson , who provides the film's comic relief without really trying . he is given big words like vernacular to say , and as rich tries to discuss a particular street problem with tyson , he frequently has to ask him to use smaller words and explain himself better , playing on tyson's image as a dimwit . but tyson also gets the film's scariest moment . as he is mercilessly hit upon by the very gay terry , tyson is a marvel to watch as he fights to remain calm . the scene is entirely improvised , with downey jr . being told to just keep at tyson until he gets a reaction . the reaction he gets , being slapped and then choked is astonishing , as downey jr's face turns a frightening shade of purple . black & white is a film about hip-hop culture , and the film's omnipresent hip-hop soundtrack strongly supports this . but toback keeps things from becoming too serious ; by moving from story to story as quickly as he does , toback keeps us from becoming attached to any one character's struggle . thus black & white's message about hip-hop becomes secondary to the film itself . toback just wants us to have fun and maybe learn a little about hip-hop along the way . and we do . one year has passed since the last time we saw them , and but wayne campbell and garth algar are back but , they've moved out of their parents homes , and now have their own pad in an abandoned warehouse . wayne's still hopelessly infatuated with his girlfriend , cassandra , and of course garth is still having his own , personal growing pains . they guys are just finishing off one of their shows , and head off to an aerosmith concert where they run across cassandra and her new manager , a stereotypical industry slime not unlike the character rob lowe portrayed in the previous film . again , the promoter is not only after the money that cassandra's talent can bring in . the storyline quickly degrades to a parallel of the original , " guy loses chick , guy realizes mistake , and guy gets chick back . " fortunately , there is more to this movie than this somewhat sheer plot . the wit and humor in this film are surprisingly intelligent and fresh with many inside jokes on the film and music industries as well as just a lot of hilarious scenes of wayne and garth showing their true color . highlights of the movie include a spoof of jurassic park , garth's seduction by a married woman , a surprise appearance by charleton heston , a 1960's batman setup in the guy's pad , and some pretty groovy chats with jim morrison and some " naked indian guy , " an unexpected lip-sync of ymca ( you could see that one coming a mile away ) and of course a hilarious parody of those badly-dubbed kung-fu movies we love to laugh at . and if you've ever wondered why there's always boxes of watermelons , chickens , and people walking plate glass in the middle of streets , you'll find out here . this movie also explores wayne and garth a little more . garth has somewhat of a " coming of age " and wayne gets to learn a little about himself ( with a little help from our old friend , jim morrison ) . a few old jokes from the previous movie are explored here again , but this time with a few twists to keep them fresh , and luckily , few , if any of them are overused . overall , the movie has plenty of continuity flaws ( especially in the fight scent between garth and cassandra's dad ) , but these are easily overlooked as this is , after wayne's world . the plot is flimsy but manageable . there are a few special effects , but they are fairly seamless , and fill nicely into the plot . the acting is good , for this sort of movie , but there are some very bright spots . in the big picture , this movie is just plain fun . there is lots of intelligent humor that makes this film special . during the whole one hour and 40 minutes , i didn't even think about looking at my watch a single time . silly , but riotous at times , this is an excellent movie even better than the original . john carpenter directed this stylish and gory vampire flick to which has it's good side and it's bad . it's held up by some good performances and dazzling special effects leading up to an ending that's pretty satisfying . james woods gives an outstanding performance that almost covers up the movie . the good side : some neat scenes of vampires and violence . the bad : no scares . yes that's right , even though being directed by one of horror's most cherished directors , 'vampires' is the least bit scary , if not at all . james woods stars as jack a vampire hunter out to stop the plans of the 'master' vampire valek played by thomas ian griffith whom wants vampires to walk in the daylight . daniel baldwin plays his sidekick montoya , a wise-cracking guy who really isn't that funny . in the opening scene jack along with montoya and the team of vampire hunters , find an abandoned house to which vampire occupy . of course we all know sunshine kills vampires , and that is just how they kill these vampires : hooking them to ropes and dragging them outside letting them burn to death . after throwing a party for what happened , the vampires that did not die come back to trash it . they kill almost all of jack's team , leaving only a few alive . sheryl lee plays a prostitute katrina who was bitten by valek , but not yet turned into a vampire . she is rescued by jack and ? flees with them on their search for valek . they have to fight they're way against vampires , leading up to a finale that is well-done with great special effects . 'vampires' definately could have been done better . the make-up , special effects and story are first rate , but there is no scares or terror that the film could have had . it to me had more humor than horror , almost being compared to 'fright night' with the mix of violence and comedy . john carpenter does a great job of directing this film . he eases through some tough times and saves the flaws , which are noticeable but forgettable . the script is clever and funny , with many lines that make us laugh out loud . i much enjoyed 'vampires' with a few exceptions . it's one of those films you see but don't take to heart . you enjoy the time you spent and go on . the recently released 'psycho' is the same way , it's not as good as you'd hope but it is fun and entertaining . 'vampires' is a good horror flick with no scares but plenty of other content to please the viewer . in the wake of the smashing success of " rumble in the bronx , " it's looking more and more likely that more jackie chan films will see american release . rumor has it that one of these films will be drunken master ii . the version i have is a copy from the laserdisc ; it's widescreen and bilingually-subtitled , as are most hong kong films these days . availability over here in the united states is very limited ; these films must either be purchased via pirates or sought out from asian distributors such as tai seng . the subtitling on the copy i have is slightly hard to read ; the letters are white and a bit small . although the american release will almost certainly be dubbed , this review is of the subtitled version , so please keep that in mind if you're reading this review to help you decide whether to go out and see it . to be fair , i must admit that i've never been very fond of " period-piece " martial arts movies--the ones set in some nebulous china of the distant or not so distant past . perhaps it's because most of those i've seen were filmed on inferior stock , with either butchered dubbing or all-but-illegible subtitling , or perhaps it's because their plots all tend to be very similar to each other and , in many cases , all but nonexistant . in fact , many of them get so wrapped up in their subplots that they seem to forget their main plot entirely until only a few minutes before the end . or , for that matter , it might be because the jackie chan films with more modern settings ( armour of god , rumble in the bronx , etc . ) tend to have more spectacular stunts , often involving large motor vehicles and large explosions , whereas period pieces simply have the martial arts . having said that , i must now turn right around and say that drunken master ii is a remarkable exception to all or most of the above , is one of the better martial arts films i've seen , and i quite enjoyed it . surprised ? well , so was i . drunken master ii is about a young man named wong fei-hong ( played by jackie chan ) who is a master of the drunken boxing style of kung fu . where he learned this style is uncertain , as his father , wong kei-ying ( ti lung ) is steadfast in his opposition to fei-hong's practicing it rather than some more normal style of kung fu . apparently , fei-hong is some sort of figure from chinese folklore , rather like paul bunyan is for americans , but i've heard very little about this , and could quite well be wrong , so i'll leave analysis of that to the people who know it better . one of my friends points out that the character of wong fei-hong is also featured in the " once upon a time in china " movies , but i have not yet seen those . the plot of drunken master ii is somewhat hazy , as are the plots to many such films , but if you're watching a jackie chan film , odds are you aren't expecting something on the order of " war and peace " . the story seems to revolve around those evil foreigners who are spiriting away ancient chinese relics ( and hence , china's cultural heritage ) while overworking , underpaying , and beating up chinese workers in a nearby steel mill . however , this plot merely serves as a framework for the other main story of the film--fei-hong's perpetual struggle to win his girlfriend , supplicate his father , keep his ( pregnant ) mother ( played by anita mui ) from fighting , and keep from getting beaten up by evil foreigner thugs . the macguffin that drives the plot ( s ) is a precious antique jade imperial seal which is being taken away by the evil foreigners . in the beginning , fei-hong accidentally steals it while trying to recover an identically-wrapped box containing the medicinal ginseng his father was bringing back for a customer . in the process , he clashes with another thief , who is himself trying for the seal but ends up instead with the ginseng . after fei-hong narrowly avoids getting caught with the seal by the evil foreigners' lackies , thanks to some timely intervention by a general's son ( a cameo appearance by andy lau , who would later take on the starring role in drunken master iii ! ) , comedic chaos ensues back at the wong household when fei-hong and his mother attempt to come up with a replacement for the missing ginseng . and so it goes . and the plot thickens later on , such as when fei-hong's girlfriend maneuvers him into a kung fu match with a rival , or when fei-hong and the thief , now revealed to be a loyalist manchu officer trying to recover the seal and stop the evil foreigners , are attacked en masse ( another grand kung-fu movie tradition ) , but i think i've already spent more time on the plot than it really deserves . let's move on to the real draw of jackie chan movies . . . the action . there's plenty of martial arts action to be found in this movie . . . of course , in a kung fu film , that's to be expected . however , this isn't just another kung fu movie ; this one has jackie chan doing the fight and stunt choreography , and jackie chan is a genius . the primary martial arts " style " featured in the film is drunken boxing , a form of kung fu which attempts to draw the adversary off his guard by making it seem like the fellow using it is drunk . further , for the purposes of this film at least , drunken boxers fight better when they actually _are_ intoxicated . . . but there's a fine line between just drunk enough and drunk into a stupor . under normal circumstances , the idea of someone staggering around looking sloshed but managing to fight effectively and even incredibly might seem rather stupid , but jackie pulls it off with flair . the kung fu sequences are so intricate in their staging and execution that it is pointless to try to describe it on paper , so i'll just say that the fights--especially the big climactic fight at the end--in themselves make the movie worth watching . another thing drunken master ii has going for it is the stunt work . even without motor vehicles ( well , not counting a train ) , there are some remarkable stunts in this film . among other things , jackie dives off a balcony into a table and crawls across hot coals ( not once , but at _least_ twice , if you count the outtake shown during the credits ) . ( quicktime movies of these stunts can be found through the www movie database . ) unlike in american films , these stunts are _not_ faked . drunken master ii stars several veteran actors of the hong kong movie scene , including jackie , ti lung ( " a better tomorrow " 1 & 2 ) , and anita mui ( the " heroic trio " series , " rumble in the bronx " ) . the performances are first-rate , especially when it comes to the comedy parts of the film . the scene where fei-hong and his mother conspire literally behind fei-hong's father's back to cover up for the missing ginseng root is hilarious , as is the scene where fei-hong's mother , having just revealed that she is pregnant , is threatening to hurt herself ( in order to draw her husband's anger away from fei-hong ) . jackie has developed his knack for physical comedy into a sort of mastery over the years , and he's in fine form all through drunken master ii . as far as cinematography is concerned , it certainly works for this film . it's nothing spectacular , but is at least a dozen times better than all those old kung fu movies of the 70s . the picture is crisp and clear . one thing i find particularly worthy of mention is that , at least in the copy i have , the screen was wider than any film i've ever seen on videotape before--almost a whole 1/3 of the screen was blocked out above and below . ( watch this on a bigscreen tv or movie theater if you can . ) it will be an utter shame if this film is eventually pan-and-scanned for american video release . drunken master ii shows the full potential of " period piece " kung fu movies , and it's good enough to overcome even my usual distaste for such movies . the plot does meander a bit , but that's to be expected in this type of film . if you like this kind of movie , you'll love this movie , and if not , well , give it a chance anyway . if nothing else , the martial arts and stunt sequences are by themselves worth the price of admission or rental . at first glance , three kings looks to be just another war movie , the 90s version of all those favourite war movies with names i cannot remember . the 90s version , it definitely is , just another war movie ? not in your dreams ! imagine pulp fiction approach to saving private ryan , thats three kings for you . believe it or not , it bears the cool of the former and the stark humane meaning of the latter . the story brings us to the twilight of the gulf war , with the allied troops victorious . majpr archie gates ( clooney ) leads an enterprising bunch of grunts to a rather unorthodox post-war looting spree ; the millions in gold bars secretly stowed away by saddam in a desolate village in the desert . as the rest of the troops are celebrating their victory and getting ready to be shipped home , this `wild bunch goes awol on an armed hum-vee ( the vehicle of choice of the us army ) . they soon find out that they have much resistance , as they get tangled with the local rebellion against saddams forces . frequently switching their modes between looters and robin hoods merry men , they become consciously attacked by their own morals . as the film begins to roll , it seemed to have a rather `light mood to it . `special effects such as when gates describes to his men how a bullet can kill simply paves the way for a light-hearted funny action movie . three kings is much smarter than that . as the conflict becomes more and more complex , the audience will be trapped in a limbo , trying to stay focussed on that light-mood/serious-mood that the film seem to portray . i personally found this analogous to the same feelings of the main characters involved in the film ; trapped between their initial plan paved by greed and their own sense of humanity . this simply made the entire experience of watching three kings truly brilliant . action sequences are not shot as your old-fashioned war films nor anything like steven spielbergs in-your-face war violence . they are carefully built to generate tension with just the right tight close-ups and pauses , right before the action starts . not john woo for sure but more of sergio leones spaghetti western style ( tons of them starring clint eastwood ) . great performances by clooney and wahlberg but the brilliance have to lie in the conception of this film ; the screenwriter and the director . three kings ranks among the best films of the year , well , for me at least . highly recommended . mickey mouse had better watch his back -- there's a new critter in town , and he's the nameless animal attraction of " mouse hunt , " dreamworks skg's clever first foray into family fare . although it runs out of steam towards its end , this live-action comedy still boasts enough energized slapstick and inventive set pieces to best disney's entire 1997 non-animated , kiddie-oriented catalog . . . but consider that list includes dismal tripe like " air bud , " " flubber " and " that darn cat , " and it's really not such a difficult feat to pull off . still , throw the two rodents in a boxing arena , and i'll be hoping that the mouse from " mouse hunt " knocks some sense back into mickey . nathan lane ( robin williams' significant other from " the birdcage " ) and lee evans ( last seen as a nervous bellhop in " the fifth element " ) play ernie and lars smuntz , befuddled brothers who have just inherited two unwanted assets from their late father ( william hickey , in his last role ) -- a dilapidated old string factory and a dilapidated old mansion . although lars made a deathbed promise to upkeep the former , he and ernie decide to sell the latter for big bucks after learning it was designed by a famed architect . but there's a lone obstacle in their way -- a single mouse lives within the walls of the house , and he's not about to give up his place of residence without a fight . movies aimed at young audiences are rarely this visually exquisite . the effects blending the talents of 60-some live mice , one animatronic mouse and one computer-generated mouse are pretty seamless . the splendid production design seems to be straight out of tim burton's mind ; the smuntz's architecturally-unsound mansion is like something straight out of " the nightmare before christmas , " and the vortex of bizarre machinery in their factory resembles some of vincent price's warped contraptions from " edward scissorhands . " " mouse hunt " is a pretty dark movie -- even some of the humor can be grim -- but it's hardly ever mean-spirited . the star of the show is neither the top-billed lane nor the titular mouse . it's lanky british comedian evans , whose hysterical bodily antics suggest a cleaned-up jim carrey without the obnoxious overkill ( note a toned-down but nonetheless outrageous impromptu striptease ) ; evans' banter with the ever-affable lane is funny stuff , too , and holds its own against the movie's more flashy physical shtick . vicki lewis ( beth from " newsradio " ) is solid in a supporting role as lars' money-grubbing wife . and in a nifty bit of novelty casting , christopher walken is a macabre delight as a spooky exterminator who takes his job a little too seriously , popping a dropping into his mouth and noting to his tape recorder that the mouse has a " calcium deficiency . " blech . a basically one-joke idea -- a mouse outsmarts a couple of bumbling humans -- is given a rather engaging execution . their sparring is imaginatively realized ( i don't think i'll ever forget the sight of that tiny little mouse making his getaway on a rolling wheel of gouda ) , and although you really never fully root for either side , that's okay -- a warm-and-fuzzy union between the two parties is practically promised from the first frame they share . " mouse hunt " may take a while to get going ( the rather lengthy set-up could test the patience of some of the younger children , although i rather liked it , much in part to lane and evans ) , and the climactic sequence is allowed to play out for a bit too long , but this appears to be one family movie that most members of the family will be able to find agreeable , not unlike the original " home alone . " a miracle of filmmaking , " some like it hot " is a brilliant film , and maybe the foremost example of slapstick comedy brought to screen with clever sight gags and plot twists . it is the pinnacle of writer-director billy wilder's career , a stunning feat considering the vast catalogue of films he had helped make . jerry ( lemmon ) and joe ( curtis ) are two stage musicians who go from gig to gig , trying to earn enough money to feed themselves . one night , as they're playing at a banned prohibition speakeasy , the place is raided . as it turns out , the owner , spats columbo ( george raft ) was ratted out by toothpick charlie ( george e . stone ) . several weeks later , on valentine's day , jerry and joe go to a garage to pick up a car and end up witnessing a gangland murder of charlie by columbo in a parking garage . eager to escape , the duo are forced to take a job in florida with all expenses paid . the only catch . . its a girls band . so josephine ( curtis ) and daphne ( lemmon ) , make their way onto the train and go to florida . on the way there , they meet sugar kane ( monroe ) , a bombshell singer who is looking for love . jerry and joe immediately fall for the singer , but there's two problems : 1 ) they're in drag , and 2 ) millionaire osgood fielding ( joe e . brown ) falls madly in love with daphne . what follows in pure hysteria , still complicated further by the arrival of spats columbo to florida for the " italian opera lovers festival " . tony curtis is hysterical as joe/josephine , especially in his preposterous attempts to woo sugar . marilyn monroe , in a wonderfully comic performance , is sugar , providing incredible timing and sex appeal , along with true sincerity . the scenes , however , are all stolen by either brown or lemmon . lemmon is hysterical as daphne . cast as the less rational one , lemmon's performance is ridiculously crazy , it is disorder in the style all billy wilder's . brown is particularly hilarious as osgood , as we are treated to the finest kind of comedic irony . he manages to use lemmon's ingenious performance as a springboard for an even loonier performance as a completely eccentric millionaire . every set-piece is flawless , as wilder brilliantly changes settings constantly , and uses every comic trick in the book to make his picture . wilder's script is stunning , as he carefully combines gangsters , cross-dressing , romance , sex , music , gender roles , and social taboos in a riotous blend of wit and oddball craziness . wilder manages to create scenes of utter hysteria , so pitch-perfect that the audience is dying of laughter with the last comic piece , the final line of this absolutely incredible film . wilder's is dead wrong when he says nobody's perfect : billy wilder is , especially when he makes something this disastrously funny . nobody's perfect but billy wilder . a welcome cinematic trend over the past couple of years has been to make the works of shakespeare more accessible to the younger audiences who are the vast majority of moviegoers by contemporizing the bard and altering the settings to familiar surroundings . a prime example of this is 1999's 10 things i hate about you , which was basically the taming of the shrew in a high school . less successful was last year's adaptation of hamlet with ethan hawke as the heir apparent of the denmark corp . here the setting was the corporate world of new york . now comes o , a faithful retelling of one of the most tragic of shakespeare's tragedies . like 10 things i hate about you , the stage is a high school - a private prep school where odin james ( mekhi phifer ) is the on-court general , the basketball team's standout player . julia stiles , featured in 10 things i hate about you as well as performing ophelia in hawke's hamlet , plays desi brable , odin's girlfriend , whose father also happens to be dean of the institution . josh hartnett ( pearl harbor ) is on hand for the villainy , playing the scheming hugo , who sets the tragic wheels in motion . o was actually filmed a couple of years ago , but was shelved because of the columbine high school tragedy . the movie , directed by tim blake nelson - best known for his co-starring role in o brother , where art thou ? - and written by brad kaaya , is very grim . an air of tragedy weighs it down from the opening scene to the closing credits . and that is how it should be . of all of shakespeare's tragedies , othello is the most harrowing , not because of any body count , but because of the psychological havoc wreaked by iago , whose motivation in the sheer pleasure of his treachery . kaaya's profane-filled script - after all , these are high school kids - does offer hugo a subtle motive of sorts . the young man considers himself the basketball team's prime utility man who does a little bit of everything - pass , shoot , rebound - but is constantly in the shadow of odin . plus his father , the team's coach - played with a ferocious intensity by martin sheen - showers more love and concern on his star player than on his own flesh and blood . the script follows the familiar lines of the classic . hugo begins dropping hints to odin concerning desi's fidelity , eroding the star's confidence in those he considers closest to him , affecting both his relationships and his game . it all ends in blood , of course , which is why the movie was originally shelved . the performances in o vary . phifer is at first cocky and self-assured , emotions he handles with ease . he also does quite well displaying odin's darker side ; his defensive sensitivity about being the only black at the institution , his growing distrust of those he loved , his rage and the erosion of his belief system . hartnett is appropriately cool and machiavellian as he weaves his deadly web of lies and deceit , turning friend against friend , and lover against lover . stiles seems a bit stilted , but occasionally also rises to the occasion , moving from adoration to confusion to fear of her young knight . the film does contain a few missteps : a subplot involving hugo's theft of the school mascot is left hanging . also desi's actions concerning michael ( andrew keegan ) , odin's former teammate and best friend who was kicked off the team because of one of hugo's machinations , is puzzling . why she would continually be seen with michael - however innocent the circumstances - when she knows her man suspects the two of cheating behind his back . it is irrational . but these are minor carpings . overall , o is a stylish and faithful adaptation . if nothing else , it may encourage some people to read the original text , and that will counterbalance the severity of this feature . there is a scene early in soul food , george tillman's comedy-drama about a large african-american family and the ordeals they go through during a crisis , that caught me completely off guard . during a wedding , the groom is flirting with some tramp , and in an attempt to to prevent a scene , his mother in law , played by irma p . hall , comes to the rescue . the way in which she does this makes me think irma p . hall is one of the greatest actresses around right now . however , this is just one magical moment in a movie filled with them . vanessa williams , vivica fox , and nia long star as three sisters who have each gone their own way in life . williams is teri , a successful lawyer , who is frustrated by her husband miles attempts at a music career . fox is maxine , the strongest of the sisters , which can be confirmed by the stability of her marriage and the wisdom of her son ahmad , who narrates the film . long is bird , a hairdresser who is the last of the three to get married . her husband lem is an intense passionate individual whose temper gets the best of him sometime but never stops loving . at the center of everything is irma p . hall , as big mama jo . every sunday , the family gathers together for dinner at mama jo's house . there is lots of conversation , lots of laughs , and the occasional controversy . mama jo presides over the family like all mothers should . she is stern and disciplined , but also caring and forgiving . everything is going fine , until a tragedy befalls mama jo . all of a sudden , a chain reaction of events begin to destroy the family . it gets so bad , sunday dinner is even cancelled . without mama jo's guidance , there is noone to keep the family together , which frustrates ahmad . miles and maxine's marriage begins to fall apart , as he focuses on his music and flirts with the troublesome faith . lem's temper gets the best of him when his convict past starts to catch up to him . and teri tries to prevent maxine's efforts to sell mama jo's house . the third act of the film deals with ahmad's attempts to patch things up . he decides to take over where mama jo left off , and tries to get the family back together for one more sunday dinner . the acting by everyone in the ensemble is outstanding , with special notices to irma p . hall and brandon hammond . hall gives a performance that deserves to be recognized by the academy . her mama jo is one of the most memorable characters i have ever encountered in a movie . brandon hammond is an actor with a bright future . he is wise enough not to play cutesy and shows an admirable range and depth , and speaks the final lines of the movie on the perfect note . tillman obviously based this movie on his own memories of growing up . every scene in the movie is purposeful and convincing ( except maybe an odd flashback sequence ) . the dialogue is beleiveable and funny . and then there's the food . tillman gives us several close ups of the soul food , and it indeed looks very tasty . i can see why sunday dinners became such a tradition for this family . soul food is one of the most purely entertaining movies of the year . director david fincher has such an eye for detail which is very rare in hollywood these days ( terry gilliam comes to mind as another one ) . film is one of the best art forms because not only can you tell a story , but you can use the camera to capture the smallest detail and have it mean something . but most directors seem to go for action with the slightest ounce of a story . so whenever a director uses the camera to its fullest potential , the film almost automatically deserves a good review . and when they add a fascinating story to it , you have nearly perfect entertainment . fincher's the game is no exception to this . the game is one of the most interesting and complex films to come out of hollywood in a long time . fincher hasn't made a film since " seven , " his box office and critical hit which defied expectations and became one of the best movies ever . so it is about time he made another film . and what a ride it is . the game isn't quite as powerful as " seven , " but in some ways it is better . overall , the game could have used a little more clarity , or a little more uncertainty . it walks a line of insanity and reality , but it never goes either way until the very end . the outcome is satisfying enough for the preceding events , and it makes a lot of sense once everything is set straight . unfortunately , unlike " the usual suspects , " we are never given enough information to figure out for ourselves what is happening , whether it be true or false . however , this also gives the film a frightening aspect which the game uses to the fullest extent . the game is told completely from its main character's point of view . nicholas van orton ( michael douglas ) is a high-strung and isolated businessman . he lives alone in his giant mansion , divorced from his wife elizabeth , and is celebrating his 48th birthday ; the same age at which his father committed suicide at , in the same mansion . for his 48th birthday , conrad ( sean penn ) , the rebel of the family , gives nicholas a gift certificate to crs : consumer recreation services . " it will make your life fun again , " his brother promises . as skeptical as nicholas is , he is somewhat intrigued , and annoyed by the lack of information--something this businessman hates . seeing a billboard in an office , he decides to visit the mysterious company . jim feingold ( james rebhorn ) greets nicholas and guides him through the sign-up process , which consists of psych-tests , physicals , emotional responses , and other mind games . " each game is suited to each person's emotional and psychological needs , " explains feingold . one day , nicholas gets a call from crs and they explain that he failed the tests . even more intrigued and now somewhat angered at the time he spent signing up , he starts asking around to see what people can tell him about the company . what he doesn't realize is that the game has already begun . the phone call is just the first of many strange events to be thrown nicholas' way . how he finds out that he is involved has to be witnessed because it is amusing and fun and visually impressive . the detail involved in fincher's shots is incredible and almost requires a second viewing just to appreciate the effort that went into them . with " seven , " fincher had almost every single shot mean something . he also has the unique ability to make you look at exactly what he wants you to . compared to " seven , " though , the game is light and comical . because of this film's sense of humor and self-awareness , nothing can be taken quite seriously . so don't try to make much sense of what goes on in the game , because it doesn't want you to . what does make sense is the final revelation--when everything becomes apparent and clear . if taken as it is , the game's ending makes complete sense . but if you try and critique every minute detail , then you get yourself into plot holes and incredibility . perhaps that is the reason i docked the film . while trying to remain realistic and plausible , the plot is too unbelievable to create any real tension on screen . we don't really care if douglas' character lives or not because it isn't believable . the ending requires you to have believed anything that has happened previously , but if you suspend disbelief and take the film as it is , you can accept the game as an emotionally and psycholically disturbing thriller . michael douglas gives a terrific performance as nicholas . douglas has played lonely businessmen before , but here he adds another level to his performance . his character , who is normally level-headed and relies on facts , is forced to trust nobody . can he believe the waitress he bumped into ? what about his brother who got him involved in the game in the first place ? douglas portrays this aspect of his character extremely well , and gives one of his best performances ( even better than his " falling down " persona ) . the supporting cast is essential in this film , and casting was critical . sean penn is always good , and he gives yet another credible performance as douglas' brother . deborah kara unger ( from " crash " ) is the waitress he bumps into , and her performance is extremely good . in fact , she almost steals the film from douglas . james rebhorn portrays his character very well , and adds some confusion and desparation to douglas' predicament . another good performance comes from armin mueller-stahl ( from " shine " ) as the book editor . but considering that douglas is in every single scene of the game , he not only commands this cast , but makes this distant and lonely character come to colorful life . the game is rated r for language , violence , some gore , and some nudity and drugs . what is essential for this film to work is the writing . john brancato and michael ferris have woven a confusing and compelling screenplay with witty dialogue , and some very funny moments . this screenplay will probably get an oscar nomination for best original screenplay because it does almost exactly the same thing the usual suspects' did . however , the visuals of the game are enough to make the viewer enjoy the vexing plot . and if you can get yourself to believe everything occuring on the screen , you will be thoroughly entertained by one of this year's best films . originally launched in 1978 , this popular film was re-introduced in 1998 to a whole new generation of moviegoers . based on the mighty successful musical from broadway , grease was followed in 1980 with the less stellar grease 2 ( 6 . 5/10 ) , starring a young michelle pheiffer in one of her first feature film roles . plot : high-school musical set in the 1950's showcasing the relationship between the cool danny zuko of the t-birds ( travolta ) and the innocent and pure sandy olsen ( newton-john ) from australia . the film follows the couple and their vivacious friends during their last year at rydell high through song , dance and humour . critique : fun-loving , energetic and innocent look back at times much simpler . this movie effectively juggles a thin romantic story line and the overall experience of the 1950's , with a superb soundtrack and some great dance numbers . admittedly , i am somewhat biased in this opinion , since this film blasts me into my past as a rebellious youth ( grease was one of schmoe's first big-screen experiences , and every other scene sends me reeling into the times of my elaborate grease bubble-gum card collection ) , and the lesser responsibilities that i possessed at that time . but apart from the nostalgic vibe , i was still extremely impressed by this film , as it continued to amuse me , despite my previous dozen or so viewings . this film took john travolta from a dim-witted " sweathog " on tv's welcome back kotter , and transformed him into a movie-star of spectacular proportions ( saturday night fever ( 7 . 5/10 ) in 1979 confirmed that sudden popularity ) . unfortunately for the rest of the cast , his popularity was not terribly contagious , despite their effective showings in this classic movie . on the down side , some of the absolute innocence in this film might bore or turn people off ( like when sandy sings about " drinking lemonade " and " staying out until 10 " with danny in " summer nights " ) , and the plot isn't exactly the most elaborate story-line ever created , but despite these small reservations , this movie carries enough great music and high energy to keep anyone amused through its rapid 110 minute running time ( and believe me . . . i am not a fan of the musicals ! ! ) . make sure to look for a young lorenzo lamas in the static role of the brainless football player , as well as the national bandstand dance contest as one of the film's absolute highlights . and don't forget to buy the popular soundtrack afterwards , so that you could listen to its peppy tunes whenever you're feeling a little blue . little known facts : henry winkler , of tv's happy days' fonzie fame , turned down the part of danny zuko because he did not want to be typecast for the rest of his career . both travolta and conaway were smitten by newton-john during the filming of this picture . conaway eventually bowed out of the woo-fest , and married newton-john's sister a year later ( divorced after five years ) . set in the late 80's at the height of yuppie excess and based on the book by bret easton ellis ( who explored the same themes in another book which was also made into a movie , less than zero ) , american psycho puts a new spin on the yuppie " genre " that ellis helped to create . christian bale is perfectly cast as patrick bateman , a high powered yuppie who hides a terrible secret from his fianc ? e and his colleagues . it seems that bateman is a serial killer and , unfortunately for his contemporaries , his tenuous grasp on reality is starting to slip . as he tries to balance his meticulous daily routines with slaughtering co-workers and prostitutes and hiding their bodies , his mental fabric slowly begins to unravel . i was first introduced to the novel when i was still in high school . i read an associated press article in our local sunday newspaper detailing the problems ellis was having getting his novel published due to the controversial violence in it . as usual when anything is controversial i try to seek it out , but i soon forgot about the novel and didn't end up thinking about it again until i stumbled across it a couple of years later at a bookstore . i picked it up and read it , but was ultimately disappointed because it left more questions than answers . the movie has a similar effect , but at least it's less cryptic than ellis' novel . for once , a film has actually turned out to be better than the novel it was based on . both the book and the film open with bateman describing his fastidious morning preparations ( down to exactly what facial scrubs and exfoliating creams he uses ) but the novel seems to concentrate more on these excesses throughout . the movie continues to touch upon these things but makes more of a point to immerse us in bateman's impending madness than to detail things as painstakingly as the novel does . as a result , the film is immensely more entertaining . lions gate seems to be the studio champion of controversial films ( having picked up kevin smith's catholic-rattling dogma ) and here with american psycho there is no difference . screenwriters mary harron and guinevere turner had the unenviable task of trying to take a novel about yuppies filled with graphic violence and sex and make a marketable film out of it . some cuts had to be made to the finished film to keep from getting an nc-17 , mainly involving a sex scene comprising bateman and two women , and initial reports said the film was unwatchable . thankfully , it is watchable and harron and turner have made one of the most scathingly satirical films this side of south park : bigger , longer & uncut . side note #1 : co-writer guinevere turner also makes an appearance in the film as an ill-fated acquaintance of bateman's who , after bateman suggests that she start making out with a female prostitute , proclaims that she's not a lesbian nor has any interest in it . the ironic humor of the scene stems from the fact that turner ( the writer/director of the film go fish and who also assisted kevin smith with parts of his script for chasing amy ) is a lesbian . it's a subtle in-joke and it's one i found to be pretty humorous . despite having a rather high profile supporting cast of young up-and-comers ( including reese witherspoon ) , most of the roles are a waste and are the equivalent of extended billed cameos . the real draw here is christian bale and his over-the-top performance as patrick bateman . whenever i read a novel i always try to imagine what it would be like as a movie and who would be perfect to cast as the characters . i always had a hard time trying to decide who i would cast as bateman , but i never thought bale would deliver a performance as perfect as his ends up being . to say bale runs away with the character is a vast understatement and he proves that he's as adept at chewing scenery as al pacino or rod steiger . one sequence in particular , involving bateman describing his love for huey lewis and the news' song " hip to be square " right before burying an axe in a co-worker's head , features one of the most eccentric and kinetic performances i have ever seen on film . side note #2 : despite the fact that huey lewis' " hip to be square " and a pair of phil collins songs appear in the film , don't expect to see them on the soundtrack release . huey lewis expressly requested that his song , featured in a rather large set piece in the film ( much akin to the use of " stuck in the middle with you " in reservoir dogs ) , not be included on any soundtrack release . i'm assuming that collins requested the same . on a similar note , whitney houston's cover of " the greatest love of all " is also involved in a scene comparable to the other two and it is very obvious that it isn't the houston version at all but merely an instrumental version culled from an unknown source . apparently , houston wasn't as open about the use of her song as the others were . a bigger controversy than the violence and sex has been brewing since the film's release : that of whether or not patrick has actually committed the crimes we have viewed during the course of the film . don't look to the book for any answers because it will only serve to confuse you more . several web sites have been dedicated to the subject but i'm still undecided . there is evidence both for and against but the most scathing evidence against comes from a scene near the end of the film where bateman goes on a killing spree taking out cops , old ladies , and cleaning staff with equal gusto . the scene seemed very dream-like and as absurd as the action films it suddenly seems to be parodying ( as an example , bateman blows up a police car very cinematically after firing several shots from a handgun in the general direction of the car ) . i kept waiting for bateman to wake up and for the film to continue on from there , but bateman never does wake up and the whole sequence , though comic , throws the film off-balance ( which i suppose was the intention ) . other than the few flaws i have mentioned , american psycho is an incredibly entertaining film ( although you may not leave the movie fully understanding whether or not what has just transpired actually occurred in bateman's reality ) . i think this movie is destined for greatness as a cult film and deserves the spot it will take as such . it may not change anyone's life , but it will certainly have an effect . i know i will certainly hear " hip to be square " in a different context the next time i hear it . [r] ever wonder what happened to gabe kaplan ? you remember , he was the title character in that 70's sitcom , " welcome back kotter . " always trying to help out the sweathogs , frequently trying to dodge mr . woodman , ever wary of his wife's tuna casserole . " so , " you ask , " where is he now ? " mr . kaplan actually spends much of his time these days playing professional high-stakes poker . that's right . i'm not sure if it's his main source of income , but from what i've heard , the guy occasionally comes away with $20 , 000 at a time . and there you were , thinking i was going to tell you he was doing off-broadway theater . you silly goose . well , gabe kaplan isn't in the movie rounders , nor is the film about the actor come gambler's life . but rounders is about poker , and gabe plays poker , and i thought that was kind of a neat connection . sorry about the segue , or lack thereof . matt damon plays mike mcdermott , a law student who also has a singular talent for the game of poker . he's been playing for a while , and more than being proficient , he has caught the bug . he goes to all the underground games in new york city , knows the regulars , and knows how to win . in the beginning of the film , he's built up a nice thirty grand nest egg , which he takes to the speakeasy-type gaming parlor where the big boys play . mike is there to make his bid into the upper echelon by staking it all against teddy kgb ( john malkovich ) , an oreo-munching cardshark with ties to the russian mafia . mike has the potential to take a large pot and go to vegas and buy into the world series of poker , but instead he loses it all in a single hand . months later , he's paying his way through law school by driving a delivery truck . when mike's best friend and poker buddy worm ( edward norton ) finishes his jail term for hustling some students , he wants to pick up right were they left off , working as a team to part others with their betting cash . although mike has stopped playing cards as a promise to his girlfriend and fellow law student , jo ( gretchen mol ) , worm connives mike into playing once more , and mike , bitten again by the bug , slides down that slippery slope , risking his relationship , education , and reputation as playing poker again becomes the focus of his life . to make a film about gambling , a filmmaker will usually have to play up the glamorous side to get the audience behind the characters . this is because few moviegoers will care a whole lot about some guy in a leisure suit or terry cloth shirt sitting at a folding card table with a stogie in his mouth . rounders , however , seems to go more for the latter than the former . the card clubs mike and worm frequent aren't very glamorous at all . there's a basement , a lodge with elk heads on the wall , a goulash joint - these are the kinds of locales in which director john dahl sets his shots . except for one brief instance when the two players visit atlantic city , the film is bereft of the flashing lights of the casinos or the pleasant color of the green felt table . the reason rounders still captures our attention is because it is less about the game of poker than it is about the personalities which enjoy and are slaves to it . we're given a nice set of interesting characters with clear motivations , and good actors to play them . matt damon is very natural as mike , who struggles between his desire to play the straight and narrow by finishing law school , and answering what may be his true calling , playing professional poker . ed norton's worm is truly a worm , always looking for the angle and playing everyone for what they're worth . john turturro , who amazes me with his acting range , tones it down in this film by playing joey knish , a virtual poker prodigy in his time who now plays the underground games to make rent and child support payments . he's both a friend and mentor to mike , and turturro's low-key performance is totally convincing , just as john malkovich's heavily-accented teddy kgb is imposing as an adversarial dragon mike must slay to prove himself . martin landau is also thrown into the mix as one of mike's law professors , abe petrovsky . while landau slips well into the role , his character , spitting out personal anecdotes about staying true to one's self , facilitates the channeling of the storyline toward a predictable ending . perhaps the weak link in the otherwise formidable line-up of acting talent , however , is gretchen mol who just didn't seem to have much presence on screen . she's a genuine peach to look at , kind of a cross between actress renee zellweger and singer jewel ( and i wouldn't be surprised if the three of them formed some kind of blond-haired triumvirate and attempted to take over the world ) , but her delivered lines seemed very flat , and i found myself looking for matt damon's reactions instead . a good thing about rounders is that it doesn't get bogged down in the character development and statement making so much that it can't find time for humor . the film is peppered nicely with scenes that both make you laugh and keep the pacing going , such as a sequence where mike and worm move rapidly around new york from one game to the next , in widely different locales . one game in a cigar club had me in stitches . " i love the sweetness of this dark maduro wrapper , " says one of the players , clearly more interested in displaying his pretentiousness over the cigar in one hand than in the cards in his other . i was hoping mike and worm would really take these guys . with all the poker being played , rounders had the potential to be very confusing . you might think you know a lot about poker , but think again . luckily , we're given a narration by damon during the more intricate moments to explain what's going on . the narrations are more informative than intrusive , and apprise us of what the stakes are and why certain players want to do the things they do . it's nice that as the characters develop , so does our comprehension of their world . as a film about success and survival in the realm of underground poker , rounders delivers in spades . wait ! as a film about the culture of cards , rounders is an ace . hang on ! packed with great acting and great characters , rounders is a full house . okay , i guess that's enough . oh , by the way , if you ever want to get into a game with ol' gabe kaplan , be sure to bring a note from epstein's mother . did you ever wonder if dennis rodman was actually from this planet ? or if sylvester stallone was some kind of weird extra-terrestrial ? i used to think that about my 7th grade english teacher , ms . carey . but after seeing this movie , they may have confirmed my suspicions . as the story goes , at any time , there are over a thousand aliens living among us here on earth . the men in black ( mib ) are the watchdogs that oversee the cosmic citizens , guardians of our beloved planet from nasty-tempered aliens , and secret service to the stars . based in new york city ( where weird is the norm ) , the mib organization gives human form to our space-faring emigrants so that they may walk and live among us unnoticed . but to enforce the laws of earth , the mib carry weapons that are powerful enough to meet or exceed destruction quotas in one single blast . they carry other-worldly technology to erase people's short-term memory when common folk see the mib in action . and their best leads on cosmic things-gone-awry are the supermarket tabloids . little do we know that there are much stronger battles of good v . evil going on in the depths of space . one of the aliens-as-human on this planet is an important diplomat that is carrying something very precious . it holds the 'key' , literally , to universal peace . a giant cockroach-like alien soon arrives on the planet and steals this 'key' . in the wrong alien hands ( flippers ? mandibles ? tentacles ? ) , it can be used as a weapon . therefore , it must be recovered and returned to it's rightful owners . otherwise , to ensure universal safety , earth will be destroyed , along with the 'key' . now , it's the mib who must prevent this catastrophe . the mib agents on the case are " k " , played by tommy lee jones . he is crustier than burnt toast and even more serious than al gore . the stars in the sky no longer spark wonder in his eyes . he is accompanied by a flippant rookie , " j " , played by will smith . but , despite this shoot-em-up , protect-earth-from-destruction premise , this is nothing at all like a typical summer action movie . and , this isn't an independence day knockoff . rather , this is a stylishly offbeat sci-fi comedy that pokes fun at what the government always denies ? that there are real aliens that live here , and that the government does its darndest to cover them up . but to give it some sense of excitement and to keep it within the parameters of the summer movie recipe , there must be some kind of earth-hangs-in-the-balance scenario . yet , this movie is very appealing . the abundance of wierdness ( talking aliens , pee-wee atomizers , a mortician who 'lives' for her work , and lots of yucky bugs and slime-splattering galore ) , is played straight , like as if this were normal ( of course , we are in nyc ) . it gives it a deadpan feel , which makes it all the more funnier and odder . jones plays the venerable seen-it-all agent with seriousness and maturity . smith is likeable and makes a great comic partner to jones' straight man routine . they click like dorothy's ruby red shoes . the look and feel of the movie is made even better with direction from barry sonnenfeld ( the addam's family ) . this guy has a knack for 'gothic' comedy , and successfully transfers his macabre sense of humor onto the screen . and , an appropriate dose of special effects helps to bolster the oddness of their task without diverting attention from the human actors . the story moves well , and before you know it , the end credits are already rolling ! the result is 100 minutes worth of fun in the form of ewwwws and blechhhs , aaaahhhs and wows . let the men in black protect and color your world . i feel no hesitation in saying that " there's something about mary " is the best film that i will see all year . from the moment the credits started to roll at the end of the picture , there was no doubt in my mind that i had seen a masterpiece that will remain unsurpassed in the remaining months of 1998 . it is that good of a film . when gene siskel said this about " fargo " only a few months into '96 , i dismissed the notion as ridiculous . how could you possibly know that a film is so great that nothing you could possibly see in the future could beat it ? but after seeing the farrelly's hilarious and surprisingly heartfelt masterwork , i now know what siskel was talking about . once in a ( very great ) while , a film comes along that is so daring , so brilliant and simply so enjoyable that at the end , you just want to stand up and cheer . and you know , at that instant , that you have just experienced something very special . now for the shocker ; " mary " is the grossest and most disgusting film i have ever viewed ( " pink flamingos " obviously notwithstanding ) . the movie is so rude and , i guess , inappropriate in nature that i had a hard time sitting in a theater watching it with my parents ( luckily i had seen it before them , so i could warn the about what they were in for ) . forget " blazing saddles " , " animal house " and even the former king of gross-out comedy , " monty python's meaning of life " ; they were all only preludes to the farrelly's assault on the senses . in fact , this may even be the funniest film i've ever had the pleasure of seeing ( the only real contender is " monty python and the holy grail " ) , and most certainly the most hilarious to come out all decade . but as funny as it is , something also has to be said about the overall sweetness of " mary " ; it has a huge heart . you see , the farrelly's are truly gifted filmmakers . they don't just present you with a string of dick and fart jokes ( although there are plenty to go around ) . they also , very wisely , add an unbelievable amount of charisma to the main characters and actually have them develop as the story progresses . it's funny , though . if you just look at an outline of the story , it seems kind of contrived and predictable . but believe me , it is anything but . ben stiller plays ted , a very shy and clumsy teenage geek who lusts after the school babe , mary ( cameron diaz ) . after he sticks up for her retarded brother , warren ( w . early brown - the cameraman , believe it or not , from " scream " ) , his dreams come true when she invites him to the prom . in one of the film's funniest scenes , something goes wrong ( i won't ruin it for those who know nothing about the film ) and ted is unable to face mary ever again . jump to the present . after years of self-loathing , ted finally hires private detective pat healy ( a suitably slimy matt dillon ) to track her down so he can have one last chance at winning the woman he has loved since high school . healy finds that mary is still a full-blown hottie and decides to try and keep her for himself . admittingly , the basic story line leaves a little to be desired . after all , with a not-really-all-that-funny premise , how can you sustain laughter for nearly two hours ? somehow , the farrelly's pull it off . the performances here are also right on target . as ted , stiller adds just the right amount of clumsy charm to make his character not irritating , as he would normally be , but very lovable . and cameron diaz is perfect in her role for obvious reasons , but the actor who really grabs your attention is w . earl brown as mary's brother . no other actor has even come close to playing a mentally retarded man with as much natural ease as brown displays here . i know he won't be nominated , but this is the guy who should not be counted out when it comes time to hand out the oscar nods in february . as good as the actors are , though , it's the directors' movie all the way . i guarantee that on almost every other top ten list at the end of the year , you will see the number one space occupied by steven spielberg's wwii epic " saving private ryan " . and yes , that is a great film worthy of the recognition it has been getting . but which is harder ; making a great war film or having your audience laugh so hard that they can't breath for minutes at a time ? i'll let you decide that one for yourself , but this critic is sticking to his guns . there is just something about " mary " . " i'd rather die today and go to heaven than live to be a hundred and go to hell , " earnestly proclaims the pentecostal preacher . with that line coming from a fundamentalist christian minister , hollywood has taught us how we should fill in the rest of the story . he will be turn out to be a scoundrel who has less actual belief in god than the average american , and all of his preaching will turn out to be a cynical ruse to extort money from his naive congregation . from elmer gantry on , we have learned what to expect when the movies go to church . well , think again , for the apostle , which robert duvall has wanted to make for over a decade , does not take the usual tack of smearing the minister , and by implication all , the rest of organized religion . instead it gives us a highly devout man , who certainly has his foibles , but with an absolute dedication to his ministry and his god . and arguably just as surprising , the good-spirited film is no comedy , even if it does have humorous moments . instead of levity the picture takes a touchingly serious approach as it introduces us to a world not normally seen in motion pictures . when in the privacy of his attic , robert duvall , as texas preacher euliss " sonny " dewey , argues sternly with his lord , the scene shares a kinship with emily watson's character crying out for her god in breaking the waves's most powerful scene . the body of the story starts with sonny's coming upon an horrific auto accident , which is another part of life generally ignored by modern screenwriters . with his well worn bible in hand , sonny leaps from his car so that he can go pray over and with the accident's dying victims . the scowling police officer orders him to go away , and , after he has tried to work his miracles , sonny leaves with a smile in the confidence that he has done the lord's work . robert duvall not only gives a moving and realistic performance surely destined to receive an academy award nomination but is also the film's director , writer , executive producer , and chief financier . rarely has a movie been such a labor of love . with a white suit , peach-colored shirt and tie , and dark sunglasses , sonny looks as much like a rock star as a preacher . duvall has every movement down pat . even when he is walking down the street , the ever strutting sonny cannot contain his energy . he dances and claps all the way . sonny's churches having more black members than white means that he shares his preaching duties with many deep-voiced black orators , but his rhetoric is always competitive . " i may be on the devil's hit-list , but i'm on god's mailing list , " he shouts to the congregation in a revival tent . and they lap it up . people jump up , scream , " praise the lord ! " and mean it . the intensity of their shared religious experience is palpable . but sonny is no saint . it turns out that he has a wandering eye , which angers his wife jessie , played in a remarkably controlled performance by farrah fawcett . jessie gets her revenge by taking up with the church's youth minister and conniving to gain control over sonny's church , leaving him unemployed . sonny , letting his temper get the best of him , does something foolish , which causes him to have to leave town and two beloved kids forever . the bulk of the film occurs in a small , predominately black church in louisiana , which he builds up from a derelict building with no congregation into a remodeled church ( " one way road to heaven : holiness temple " ) with an enthusiastic flock . in this part he rebaptizes himself as the apostle e . f . the apostle is a hard worker willing to take on any odd job necessary to obtain the funds for his church . he asks his members to tithe , but he gives all of his money . and his good deeds extend to secret donations of food for the local poor folks . a man who can't stand to be still , he tells one of his friends , " i quit school because i didn't like recess . " in his new town he meets toosie ( miranda richardson ) , who , like him , has a family that she hasn't seen in a while . his romance with the separated woman , like the rest of the film , doesn't follow the standard patterns we have grown to expect from our movies . billy bob thornton shows up one day playing a local racist and general troublemaker . his confrontation with the apostle is yet another of show's many surprising scenes , again breaking many rules and conceptions about what approach deeply religious people might take . although it probably couldn't have ended any other way , the movie does wrap things up nicely . and don't miss the sweet epilogue during the film's closing credits . a tour de force acting performance by duvall and a surprising and unrelentingly dedicated script makes for an outstanding and moving film . the apostle runs a little too long at 2 : 12 . it is rated pg-13 for mild profanity and brief violence and would be fine for kids eleven and up . one of the best movies i've ever seen . i'd heard extremely good things about this movie , and though the previews didn't really intrigue that much , it was a movie i'd been anticipating for a few months now . for some reason i'm not sure of - this movie was not that big a sucess over in the u . s . it was a definite hit with the critics , but didn't exactly set any box office records . after viewing this incredibly well directed , written and acted movie , i can't help but wonder - why ? the strength of this film is it's gritty realism . the main characters are all human with individual flaws , no stereo-type hollywood heroes . you may not agree with many of their actions in the movie or their approach to life , but that is what makes it so real . i had expected this movie to be more of a drama than a thriller , but i was mistaken . even the interrogation scenes moved at such a pace so that it felt just as thrilling as any car chase . and the ending . . . . . . whoa . i've never seen a movie in my life where everyone in it acts brilliantly . the three male leads - guy pearce , kevin spacey and russell crowe are all just terrific . the 'best actor' oscar talk surrounding this film should have netted one of them a statue , but there is one problem there . how could they have chosen between these three actors ? there is no way i could look at this film and say one of them was better than the other two . it's impossible . kim bassinger's performance is also a revelation . i'd never been a big fan of hers before and always thought she was , well . . . what's the word - a twinky ? that impression has changed , as she complemented crowe and pearce perfectly . the depth to the story and characters is truly astounding . no cardboard characters here . the plot is full of twists and turns and some very clever sequences . pearce's interogation of three seperate suspects is nothing short of brilliant . i really can't fault this movie at all . i was so glad to see fellow australian's pearce and crowe star in such a breathtaking movie . i had been very familiar with russell crowe beforehand from his many australian films , but had not seen much of guy pearce . i intend to change this next time i visit the video store : ) this reviewer is ignorant of what hands were responsible for delivering the original version of the abyss in 1989 . whether it was the meddling of studio executives , or the work of writer/director james cameron himself , the original cut of this underwater sci-fi thriller was entertaining enough but also quite seriously flawed . the main problem was fairly simple : the film's climax was unworthy of its build-up . someone at 20th century fox - and no doubt cameron himself - must have agreed , because in 1993 came the theatrical release of the abyss : special edition . now available on video , it seems timely to re-evaluate what , in its newly revamped state , is now a near-masterpiece despite its borrowings from films like 2010 : odyssey two , alien and close encounters of third kind . the plot is thus . we meet the crew of an experimental underwater mobile oil rig designed by the hard-nosed lindsay ( mastrantonio ) and captained by her soon-to-be-divorced husband bud ( ed harris ) . the rig and its crew are diverted from their normal duties when the navy seeks their help in investigating the mysterious sinking of a u . s . nuclear submarine . requiring a dive part-way down a three mile deep trench , three navy divers arrive to command the operation , led by the edgy lieutenant coffey ( biehn ) . but a series of strange sightings soon convinces at least one member of the civilian crew that whoever or whatever they're dealing with , as she memorably puts it , " aren't speaking russian " . meanwhile on the surface a hurricane is brewing and , even worse , a series of incidents around cuba involving russians ships and an increasingly nervous u . s . navy sets off an international crisis of possible catastrophic proportions . this crisis is mirrored in the confines of the now isolated underwater rig , with the trigger-happy and increasingly paranoid lieutenant coffey at odds with the crew about how do deal with the mysterious goings-on around them . the human drama is often riveting , with the principal players performing with an intensity that recalls the fine ensemble acting in cameron's aliens . the stunts , hardware , special effects and underwater cinematography are all outstanding . and so they should be : cameron's technical credentials are well established . but what ultimately makes the film so gripping is three intersecting plot strands : 1 ) the tension between old sparring partners lindsay and ex-hubby bud ; 2 ) the war of wills between the civilian crew and the navy divers as a series of escalating crisis' befall them ; and 3 ) the slowly unfolding revelation of what lies at the bottom of the three mile deep abyss . the abyss : special edition is an improvement on the original film in two major respects . one is that it further fleshes out the relationship between bud and lindsay , a relationship at times touching , at others incredibly intense and volatile . the second improvement is the restoration of some absolutely crucial scenes towards the film's end , when the aliens demonstrate their control over water with a terrifying and extraordinary display of power to a world on the brink of nuclear war . with the inclusion of these startling scenes , the story's climax is now given real weight . why on earth were they left out of the original ? this reviewer finds it utterly incomprehensible . so then , we have 25 minutes of additional footage that's turned a decent underwater thriller into something quite magnificent . i say " quite " because some flaws do remain . the most grating is several moments of corny hollywood schmaltz - some new , some old - that may well have you reaching for the barf bag . nonetheless , the abyss : special edition now stands this somewhat maligned film among james cameron's greatest achievements , alongside aliens and terminator 2 . see it and be moved , gripped and spellbound . i have a soft spot in my heart for pure , amoral sleaze . i liked showgirls ( there , i said it ) . i typically enjoy myself when sitting through that eszterhaz , sex-filled cinematic tabloid-ish trash . wild things is the best sleazy film i've ever seen . it's filled with great performances , graphic sex , three-way sex , rape charges , double-crosses , plot twists , genitalia of all genders , graphic violence , death , witty humor , and , best of all , denise richards . criticizing this film for being disgusting , raucous , and just plain wrong is as fundamentally pointless as criticizing citizen kane for being disturbing , or titanic for being lofty and epic . wild things is a film that succeeds in its endeavors , but i don't just admire it for this--i admire it for being so entertaining and such a fun time at the movies . i must admit up-front , however , that i am directly in the center of the age group to which this film has been engineered to appeal . i imagine that this shows . it's hard to give a plot summary without giving away pieces that shouldn't be known . i thought i had the whole thing worked out from the trailer , but i was wrong ; there are a lot of turns here . i'll just say that the film takes place in blue bay , a rich little town in florida . in blue bay lives sam lombardo ( matt dillon ) , a teacher who is accused of rape by two of his students , kelly van ryan ( denise richards ) , and suzie toller ( neve campbell ) . kelly's mother , sandra ( theresa russell ) , immediately presses charges . all of this happens fairly early in the film . and right up until this point , i had the whole film predicted . i was wrong , though , and every time i was proven wrong , i was shocked . wild things isn't even remotely plausible , but it is so fun to see where the story takes us that the implausibility of every scene is meaningless , and often invited , just for kicks . i remember first seeing the preview for wild things before the replacement killers . i'd give the preview four stars . it made me want to see the movie so much that i've been waiting for it anxiously ever since . over the past few weeks though , i started to realize that there was no way the film could live up to the preview ( see independence day ) ; thankfully , i was proven wrong . the preview for this film is one that needs to be studied by marketing analysts of every distribution company : not only does it make us want to see the film , but it doesn't give away any of the secrets . but i'm not here to talk about the preview . i'm here to talk about denise richards . now , i found her mildly interesting in starship troopers , but in wild things she appeals to such a base instinct that every scene she's in demands attention in a way that almost no other performer can . of course , this might have something to do with her oceanic eyes . . . and flawless body . . . but i thought she did a great job acting , too ( stop laughing ) . no , richards is truly a find--she is talented , and always convincing in this film . this mixed in with her insane physical appeal makes her a vital asset to any film she may grace in the future . the other actors are good , too . dillon is as suave as ever ( it's nice to see him bouncing back from albino alligator and in & out ) . bacon does a good job acting all determined and stuff as a sex crimes officer . neve campbell gives the most layered performance of all of them , though i won't pretend that any of these characters are deep and complex . for a plot like this to work , all of these people have to be insane and basically contrived . that's okay , because director john mcnaughton knows that he's making a self-consciously wicked film . each scene--even the three-way sex scene--is observed with hilarity by mcnaughton , and the result is a sleaze-fest that's too smart to resist . there isn't an inconsistent moment in wild things : every bit of it is alluring garbage , so trashy it's funny , and so entertaining it's painful . i loved it . tarzan chad'z = good ) 1999 , g , 90 minutes [1 hour , 30 minutes] [animated - adventure/drama] starring the voices of : tony goldwyn ( tarzan ) , minnie driver ( jane porter ) , lance henriksen ( kerchak ) , brian blessed ( clayton ) ; written by tab murphy , bob tzudiker , noni white ; produced by bonnie arnold ; directed by chris buck , kevin lima ; based on the story `tarzan of the apes' and characters created by edgar rice burroughs . seen july 4 , 1999 at 7 : 15 p . m . at crossgates cinemas 18 ( guilderland , ny ) , theater #9 , by myself for free using my hoyts season pass . [theater rating : * * * 1/2 : very good sound , picture and seats] title : `tarzan' beautiful to look at , easy to follow . review : disney continues its trend of producing animated summer blockbuster movies meant mostly for children but with enough wit and charm for adults to be interested and at least entertained by the story . the basic premise is the same as every other `tarzan' story : a boy is raised in the african jungle by gorillas and becomes one himself never really understanding ( or even noticing ) that he's human and is a lot different from the animals he befriends . the first third of the film shows how tarzan comes to be adopted by kala ( voiced by glen close ) , a female gorilla who lost her own child in a classic case of darwanism . her mate , kerchak ( henriksen ) , is a mean , conservative leader of the pack of gorillas who make up tarzan's extended family . he refuses to acknowledge tarzan ( voiced by alex d . linz during the childhood scenes ) as a son and often has to hold himself back from killing tarzan after he continually does dangerous , wild things that are the result of his own childish instincts . i have a feeling children will quickly be able to identify with tarzan since all he really is is just a kid who wants to have fun and it's funny how the adults fail to comprehend this . later , as the story transitions from tarzan as a child to a full-grown man ( voiced by goldwyn ) , he is encounter by a party of three humans from england : jane porter ( driver ) , a beautiful woman who is something of a zoologist and an artist , her father prof . archimedes q . porter ( voiced by nigel hawthorne ) who is also a scientist ; and their slick and cunning , yet barbaric safari bodyguard clayton ( blessed ) . it's easy to tell where the story is going at all times but the screenplay doesn't seem like it was written hastily nor dumbed down for children's enjoyment . sure there's a lot of cliche stuff here , like clayton's smugness and diabolical manipulation of tarzan and jane ; the goofy supporting characters ( voiced by rosie o'donnell [in full brooklyn accent ! ] and wayne knight - `hello newman ! ' ) . there's also a lot of fun action such as tarzan's swinging through the jungle on vines and sliding down and around tree branches and trunks . it's just like skateboarding really fast and doing all sorts of tricks ( those mcdonald's commercials really prove this point ) . ultimately , you get exactly out of `tarzan' what you expect . . . and i mean that as a compliment , so have high expectations . pros : animation and sound are a feast for the senses , story is lighthearted , breezy and not dumbed-down , no stupid sing-along songs to get stuck in your head . cons : surprisingly violent , should have been rated pg . young children may not understand some of the more adult themes ( parents , be ready to have some heavy questions thrown your way ) . running time is a bit short . would you recommend this to friends ? not to my friends , but to the movie-going public i would . score : or with no 0 rating ) . i've always been told that there are two things in life that are unavoidable - death and taxes . oddly , i've never given much thought to either of the two . maybe if i did , at least i'd stop getting collection notices from uncle sam . yes , let me make a resolution to devote myself to better record keeping , hold on to all my receipts , and to do what it takes to have the satisfaction that my returns are mistake-free and will keep me from incurring penalties . it seems that the issue of death may not be so different , at least envisioned here in this film . as this tender love story goes , if you do good things and have a clear conscience when you die , you ascend to a place of great peace and beauty . the dreams , wishes , and fantasies that you had when you were alive come true . for those who die with a burdened soul , however , they wind up in that other place . chris and annie ( a winsome robin williams and a radiant annabella sciorra ) seem like the perfect couple that deserve all that heaven has to offer . their love for each other is strong and their bond is undeniable . but tragic events eventually tear apart the fabric of annie's happiness . and when chris dies after a terrible car accident , she commits suicide - a tortured soul who blames herself . despair is perhaps the greatest sin , and she will wallow in her guilt throughout eternity . chris , on the other hand , has made it to heaven , and upon learning of annie's fate , he journeys to hell to find her and to try to free her from her nightmare . this film brims with imagination , containing a lush imagery that shows the arcadia that is heaven and the bitterness and frightfulness that is hell . it seems that heaven and hell could very well be a product of our fantasies or nightmares . it's shape and look is as infinite as our imagination . as chris explores his new fantastic world and discovers things both amazing and wondrous , he also begins to learn more about himself . certain questions baffle him at first . why does his home in heaven ooze with paint ? what is the significance of the asian stewardess ? why does he have an all-too-willing guide ( cuba gooding , jr . ) to help him find annie ? but as he slowly begins to realize the answers , it makes him stronger and gives him a greater chance to save annie . " dreams " is both visually and tellingly beautiful . alas , i have one regret . the movie did well to gather more and more emotional speed , but the denouement was curiously unsatisfying . it seemed as if it was racing to some kind of great finish , but its intensity seemed to wane in its final moments . however , your eyes will still well up with tears and you'll find lots to savor . the storytelling is purposeful and well constructed . the journey is imaginative . and i was surprised by how much i enjoyed this film . it was a crazy time in france , what with the french revolution right around the corner . king louis xv would soon die , and his son would become king louis xvi . such is the setting for beaumarchais : the scoundrel about the controversial playwright , spy and playboy pierre-augustin caron de beaumarchais . beaumarchais was the author of the plays , " the barber of seville " and " the marriage of figaro . " today people think of them as quaint and harmless operas , but , back in 1773 when the movie takes place , they were so scandalous that beaumarchais was thrown into prison more than once . the movie beaumarchais : the scoundrel takes a light-hearted approach to its subject , resulting in an inviting motion picture . one of france's most expensive productions ever , the movie was a huge hit when it opened there last year . now in theatrical release in the united states , it eschews the seriousness of most art house films with a romping good story . the secret of the film's success , other than the lavishness of sylvie de segonzac's costumes , has to be the performance by fabrice luchini as beaumarchais . with his glistening eyes and his infectious smile , he mesmerizes the camera and the audience . his wry little lips seem always to hint at some unspoken deviousness he is planning . in a land where court intrigue determines one's destiny , constant scheming was a way of life for the aristocracy . as our story starts , we learn that beaumarchais has bought himself a judgeship . into his court comes a member of the nobility demanding an immediate sword fight . beaumarchais , who has been having an affair with the man's wife , makes him wait until the current case on the docket is decided . that over with , the fight is on . with luchini's charisma , it is hard to root for anyone other than him . audiences may remember him from the marvelous colonel chabert , in which he played the attorney . although he does not have half of the good looks of his assistant gudin , played by manuel blanc , he dazzles the women and the viewers with his grace and style . michael epp's warm and intimate cinematography provides a nice accompaniment to jean-marc kerdelhue's lush but realistic looking sets . jean-claude petit's music , especially the hauntingly lovely flute solos , make for an enchanting time at the movies . director jean-claude brisville , who wrote the script along with edouard molinaro , fleshed out a play by sacha guitry which , according to the press notes , was just a series of historic vignettes . the disorganization of the play still comes through at some points in the movie , but the actors smooth it over with their good-hearted style . typical of the scenes that come out of nowhere is the one in which a rotund benjamin franklin appears in a large pot of hot water , taking his bath . one episode has beaumarchais working with a renegade spy who may or may not be a man . another has beaumarchais using his personal fortune to aid the american revolution . all of this may sound like a dull historical drama , but it is anything but . the story plays more like theater of the absurd than a movie based on historical facts . the radiantly lovely sandrine kiberlain plays marie-therese , the real love of beaumarchais's life . but he is so likable that members of the audience may want to compete with her for him . still , with his beguiling smile , one can never quite be sure if you should trust him . the movie , on the other hand , can be trusted to deliver a high old time . beaumarchais : the scoundrel runs 1 : 41 . it is in french with english subtitles . the film is not rated but would be an r for some nudity and sex , and should be fine for most teenagers . what surprises me most about the long-awaited batman is that the movie centers not on the caped crusader but on the joker . the dark knight actually has less screen time than his homicidal arch nemesis ! i can hear batfans everywhere protesting : " first they had the nerve to cast michael keaton as batman , and now they think they can get away with making him second banana to the joker ! ! " and , indeed , this situation would have been altogether inappropriate and intolerable were it not for the fact that someone at warner brothers had the savvy to cast jack nicholson in the role he was born to play . nicholson deserves the top billing he is receiving in the posters and opening credits since his astounding , oscar-worthy performance as the joker is the highlight of batman . nicholson shows no inhibition or shame as he pulls out all the stops to create a joker that makes cesar romero look like bozo the clown ( romero played the joker in the '60s tv series ) . on one hand , nicholson's joker is extremely funny . his murderous escapades and manic outbursts ( which include defacing paintings in an art museum and invading the television airwaves with hilarious pirate broadcasts ) bring humor and laughter into an otherwise dark film . but on the other hand , his outwardly jovial disposition is only a mask for his intense contempt for all of mankind . the joker's cruelty and demented , diabolical nature are truly frightening and sinister . this guy is off his rocker , and he not only knows it , he flaunts it ! but enough about nicholson as the joker : i'm sure most people are wondering about michael keaton as batman . like many , i was outraged when warner brothers announced that keaton had been cast as the caped crusader . but batfans need not worry because holy unconventional casting ! keaton delivers . he is convincing as the tormented millionaire , bruce wayne , and beneath his hard , black body armor , he is mysterious and formidable as the batman . even though the screenplay only halfheartedly attempts to develop the character , keaton manages to give hints of the inner turmoil and emotional rage that drive wayne to don his bat gear and battle the low life scum of gotham city . visually , batman is a knockout nothing short of a triumph for director tim burton and his production team . the movie successfully captures the film noir look and bleak , gloomy atmosphere of such batman comic books as " the dark knight returns " and " the killing joke . " burton's film is a feast for the eyes ; the $35 million budget is definitely on the screen . the sets , costumes , and make-up are stunning and worthy of oscar nominations . nicholson isn't joking when he boasts , " wait 'till they get a load of me ! " his grimacing smile , green hair , and purple suits over orange shirts are colorful and outrageous . keaton's wardrobe is equally appropriate . batman's cape , mask , and body armor make him look threatening , frightening , and invincible bringing to mind not adam west's campy costume in the tv series but peter weir's outfit in robocop . production designer anton furst's sets are a wonder . gotham city is dark and foreboding , almost as if it were an expressionist vision of new york . the batcave is cold , bare , and desolate . the world that burton and furst have created in batman is a melancholy nightmare of violence and corruption . the movie's gritty bladerunner/robocop look is a joy to behold . the plot , on the other hand , is not as rousing . the screenplay is not up to snuff in comparison to the stylized sets and superb acting . it takes forever for what little story there is to finally kick into gear . batman tries to walk a thin line between action and character psychology , but it fails to give us enough of either one . as i mentioned earlier , the screenplay gives us plenty of the joker , but it never fully establishes batman's psychological motives and underpinnings . in terms of action , batman is not as thrilling as you might expect . burton seems more concerned with the visual and dramatic elements of the story . more than anything , batman is a mood film . while batman may not completely absorb and excite you , it will likely impress you with its success at bringing to life the style and spirit of the batman comic books . thanks to its distinctive look , the movie like a good comic book transports us to another world . casting " doogie howser " star neil patrick harris as mind-reading military intelligence is only one of the guilty pleasures of " starship troopers , " a hugely entertaining , mega-budgeted sci-fi yarn directed by paul verhoeven , who's making quite a recovery from his 1995 g-string epic " showgirls . " sure , " starship troopers " qualifies as cinematic junk food , but that's forgivable when the junk food is this tasty . everyone needs a high-calorie change-of-pace from fall's onslaught of costume dramas and other assorted oscar bait , and " troopers " does the job admirably despite its flaws . for its first hour , " starship troopers " plays like a cheeky futuristic hybrid of " saved by the bell " and " g . i . jane . " in the distant years ahead , high school grad johnny rico ( casper van dien ) signs up for federal service along with his girlfriend carmen ( denise richards ) ; he gets accepted into the mobile infantry but she wants to travel to the fleet academy to become a starship pilot , so the couple is broken up . but there's temptation awaiting both of them -- johnny's is in the form of an old friend ( dina meyer ) also in the infantry and still harboring a secret crush , while carmen attracts the eye of her flirtatious instructor ( patrick muldoon ) . personal rivalry and sexual jealousy carry over into the final 65 minutes , when an impending alien menace begins making good on its threatening presence and obliterates part of south america , killing johnny's parents and destroying his home . our weakening , lovesick protagonist is given new reasons to stick around the mobile infantry , and is dispatched with a group of fellow fighters to the aliens' home planet , where he will head up a ground assault to end the threat for good . but the enemy is far smarter , more diabolical and numerous than the good guys give them credit for , and after an initial walloping , they must re-examine their strategy . the exposition -- played like a futuristic soap opera -- is silly , but aware of its own ridiculousness enough to merit more smiles than groans . once we get past the campy character introductions and the numerous ( but never boring ) training sessions , " starship troopers " really kicks into high gear . its last half is all gruesomely violent action -- a fury of severed limbs , decapitations , disembowelments , brain removal , explosions and other jolt-inducers that are really going to please the 13- and 14-year-old boys lucky enough to dodge getting carded or caught on their way into this deservedly r-rated show . the creature design and special effects are amazing as expected , and their interaction with the human actors are a realistic , imaginative high point . it's nice to see intergalactic beasties that aren't too derivative of the titular menace from " alien . " these monsters are appropriately terrifying sights , especially the arachnids , a spider-scorpion-crab combo that's all sharp talons and even sharper legs . they attack in packs of hundreds , and it's a funny , scary sight to see these bugs take repeated hits and still crawl , jerk and struggle towards their intended victims in a determined , gooey mess . it matters not that they actually have a laughable master plan in mind ( ask yourself if a species like this seems capable of carrying out such a plot ) ; these sequences of insect warfare are numerous , bloody and immensely satisfying . the occasional dramatic moments -- one cast member's death , the final resolution to johnny's love triangle -- are botched , a testament to how " starship troopers " fails to create any strong , outstanding characters . these bland ken-and-barbie archetypes serve the story adequately enough to keep any distractions at arm's length , but restrain the film from achieving a higher ground a la " star wars , " where even the slightest aliens had definite personality . the acting is decent ( but never spectacular ) ; most of the performers hail from aaron spelling territory -- smallish roles on " beverly hills 90210 " and/or " melrose place " -- and it occasionally shows . van dien , for example , is limited but perfectly likeable . in smaller parts are the afore-mentioned neil patrick harris as johnny's best friend and jake busey ( gary's son ) as johnny's sidekick ; the latter excels at playing creeps ( see " the frighteners " or " contact " ) but seems off-kilter as a second banana . " starship troopers " is based on the novel by robert heinlein , a sci-fi writer who hasn't exactly seen any recent adaptation justice done to any of his books what with 1994's howler " the puppet masters . " but the overall familiarity to the " alien " trilogy -- and the promise of great gobs of gore -- could act as a crowd-drawer . its own possible influence , however , might well work against it when the franchise continuation " alien : resurrection " opens in a few weeks . we will know then which film to crown as the best summer movie of the fall . historical epic as a genre was almost banished from hollywood in early 1990s . for many critics , scholars and , most importantly , film producers , it was a thing of the past - something that could have attracted crowds only in the era of black-and-white television and non-cgi special effects . but in 1995 , same as in the case of dances with wolves five years ago , there came the man who decided to use of all his energy and talents of actor , producer and director in order to revitalise that particular genre . and , same as in the case of dances with wolves , he was awarded for his effort with " oscars " . the name of the film was braveheart , and the name of its director and main actor was mel gibson . the plot chronicles the life of scottish warlord and folk hero william wallace ( 1272 - 1305 ) . in his time , english king edward i " longshanks " ( played by patrick mcgoohan ) has almost completely subdued entire british isles , including scotland , whose proud inhabitants are now subjected by " ius primae noctis " and various other forms of humiliation and oppression by english knights . although english had killed his father many years ago , young scottish commoner william wallace ( played by mel gibson ) doesn't care about politics and wants only to have peaceful life with his new bride murron ( played by catherine maccormack ) . murron's death changes that and wallace takes arms and , together with small but dedicated band of followers , begins guerrilla campaign that would systematically destroy almost every english garrison in the country . through time , more and more people join his ranks and in 1298 wallace's rag-tag army scores surprising victory against english knights in the battle of stirling bridge . but the newly won freedom is endangered by the internal squabbles between scots themselves , especially nobles under pretender robert the bruce ( played by angus macfadyen ) , who wouldn't like to have a simple commoner as a national leader . braveheart was only the second film in the directorial career by mel gibson , so it wouldn't be fair to compare it to the better known genre classics directed by david lean or anthony mann . however , even when we apply such criteria braveheart is more than decent historical epic that takes new and refreshing approach to the genre . the most noticeable element of this approach is naturalism . while older hollywood films set in medieval europe used to give fairytale-like vision of picturesque castles , splendid costumes and knights in shining armour , gibson shows us the extremely unpleasant world of poverty and feudal injustice where might made right and life was hard , short and brutish . this general unpleasantness is especially underlined in the scenes of battle , where hand-to-hand combat is naturalistically displayed in all its gory details , never seen since verhoeven's ultra-naturalistic flesh & blood . compared with this naturalistic approach , most of old hollywood epics look like stage plays . braveheart also employs humour at the right places , not only to make bloody realities of medieval british isles more bearable to sensitive audiences , but also to underline its down-to-earth atmosphere , so different from previous historical epics . what makes braveheart " larger than life " is his protagonist . mel gibson obviously invested plenty of his energy and talent in bringing the mythical figure of william wallace and , as a result , character of 15th century poems is transformed into superhuman being that resembles late 20th century comic book hero . wallace is more than superior to his enemies , both physically and mentally , yet he is able to show his sensitive , more vulnerable side . naturally , when the character is based on epic poems , most of historical accuracy is going down the drain ( which was the case with almost every historical epic from hollywood in 1990s ) . however , even those who don't particularly care about history or are willing to give poetic license to scriptwriter randall wallace might think that he went over the top in idolising wallace , especially in the second part of film when scottish superhero manages to seduce princess isabel ( played by sophie marceau ) and make her a child . because of that the disbelief is hardly suspended , and final scenes aren't as effective as they should be . mel gibson as an actor is truly wonderful , and he is also helped by small army of very good british and irish actors . most memorable of them all is patrick mcgoohan , whose cold , calculated and evil medieval monarch is one of the most effective villains seen in contemporary cinema . brendan gleeson ( who would later become famous for his role in boorman's general ) is also very good as wallace's trusted companion , as well as ian bannen is effective as leprosy-stricken king john balliol . david o'harra is very entertaining as wallace's irish ally , and angus macfadyen brings a lot of anxiety into his conscience-stricken character of robert the bruce . women in this film have rather thankless roles , especially marceau as one-dimensional french princess . catherine mccormack as wallace's wife was more interesting , but she was eliminated from the picture early on . from the technical point of view , the film is also very good . photography by john toll brings a lot of scottish natural beauty to the screen . on the other hand , the musical score by james horner employs too much of modern-day instruments for period piece set in medieval times . although mostly welcomed by critics and audiences alike , braveheart was often criticised for homophobia and other forms of extreme conservatism . the main reason for that was the fact that gibson , among many historical facts , chose to be faithful only to those related to sexual orientation of " longshank " 's son prince edward ( played by peter hanly ) . he is not only presented as a villain , but also as one of the less competent in villain's camp - and portraying of homosexuals as villains or inferior to heterosexuals is almost unforgivable sin in " politically correct " hollywood . to make things even more obvious , good guys in this film are the total opposite of effeminate and incompetent edward - rugged macho men of mountains who are more practical and efficient because they tend to employ conservatives' common sense instead of fashionable theories of ivory tower liberals . however , although the message of this film might look right-wing , it owes more to leftist ideology of various national liberation movements in 20th century . according to that ideology , oppressed classes ( workers , peasants ) are better suited to fight for national freedom because their members has less to lose in that struggle and , as such , they are more radical , less willing to make compromises and more efficient ; on the other hand , privileged classes ( aristocracy , bourgeoisie ) are more likely to betray the cause of freedom and be in cahoots with foreign oppressors in order to keep their privileges . this marxist worldview is presented in braveheart without any subtlety . in the end , whether the audience is patient enough to discover hidden meanings or simply wants to enjoy entertaining historical epic , braveheart is more than adequate choice for all fans of this recently resurrected genre . if you had a chance to create a genetically perfect child , would you do it ? " gattaca " is a film which presents a future where society has answered " yes " to this question , but then ponders if this was actually the right decision . " gattaca " came out only a couple months following the first genetically engineered creature , the lovable dolly the sheep , and with this in mind , the film only becomes more frightening . the way the realm of genetics is heading , it may only take a couple decades until the future " gattaca " presents becomes true . contrary to the misleading trailers , " gattaca " is not a sci-fi thriller , in the way that there's lots of murder , hitchcockian suspense , and chase scenes . this is a quiet , sad film about intelligent theories . in fact , the film seems like it would have been written by george orwell or aldous huxley ( the latter who's novel " brave new world " featured genetically engineered children ) . it's a film that may likely become a cult hit to people who are frightened by a promise of shallow utopia , which is exactly what " gattaca " presents . . . and the main reason i dug it so much . the story revolves around the genetically insufficient vincent freeman ( ethan hawke ) , a man with high hopes but a 90% chance of heart problems , and a prospected life span of around 30 years . as a child , he was put down because of the threats of genetics , while his younger genetically perfect brother , anton ( loren dean ) , was promised whatever his heart desired . vincent yearns to be an astronaut , but when he gets a job at a giant space company , it's as a janitor ( ernest borgnine plays his boss ! ) . but one day , he finds out that it's probably possible that his desires can come true in the form of a business deal brought out by a black market geneticist ( or something ) , german ( " wings " ' tony shalhoub , who did like hundreds of cameos in films back in '97 : " men in black , " " a life less ordinary " . . . ) , who's client is a genetically perfect man , jerome morrow ( jude law ) , who has unfortunately been crippled . fortunately , though , there's no record of the accident , and he's willing to give someone else his life . since vincent looks a bit like him . . . after a couple alterations ( some minor , some really major ) , he has donned the life of jerome , and is doing his job . there , he meets a genetically imperfect woman , irene ( uma thurman , who's genetically perfect in real life anyway , hee hee ) , and the two begin a kind of relationship , albeit a very shallow one since romance is deemed by how great a man's stats are . however , a murder of a high-level worker at his office is killed , and one of vincent/jerome's eyelashes is found by the anal retentive investigators headed by a semi-wily inspector , hugo , ( alan arkin ) , and none other than vincent's long lost brother , anton , who hasn't seen him since they were teenagers . we know vincent/jerome didn't do it , but with his older picture being posted everywhere , not only vincent/jerome's in trouble , but also the real jerome , who's as much in it as he is . however , there isn't many big suspense set pieces , which is actually a blessing because if they were tossed in , the film would lose it's message and descend into just being a sci-fi thriller a la william gibson . the suspense in the film comes from the idea that vincent and jerome can easily be captured just by dropping a hair or dead skin . while there are several scenes which are pretty frightening , there are no big distractions from the point of the film , much to the dismay of commercial audiences . what is actually portrayed is the lack of life in the utopian society that is created . irene has no real spunk in her life , and is rather amazed by the sheer beauty of a sunrise rather than genetically perfect people . and the genetically flawless jerome is in actuality a bitter man , claiming that his accident was really no accident . what jerome has done is fool the system in giving a man who yearns for better things a chance at that , and the ending is shocking as it's a definite work of dystopian propaganda , but doesn't have the down ending of other works of this kind . the production design of this film is probably the best i've seen this year : it's stunning , very pleasing to the eye , but still very cold . since genetics has ruled out any chance of improvement , the world has cooled into a state of inhumanity , and the sets echo a sense of shallow misery . and the sequence of all the high-level workers doing their jobs has a kind of gilliam-esque feel to it , showing the nightmare of slipping into a routine zombie-like life . the ability to perfect people has left humanity cold and generally unhappy . the acting from everyone is great , with thurman giving a wonderfully cold performance , and hawke creating a character who has been beaten down by the system but has found a new sense of optimism by a bitter man who was willing to give it out anyway ( interesting pointless fact : uma and ethan started dating after this film , and currently she is pregnant with his child ) . but the best performance belongs to jude law , who steals every scene he's in , and creates a character filled with the pessimism over having such a horrible burden placed on his burden . i think that people are generally tempted by the fact that genetics can actually create perfection in a child , but whether or not they would actually act on this temptation is something i'm not sure of . " gattaca " warns us not to go any farther , chiefly because we'll create a world of elitism where the elite are shallow and unhappy , and as bitter and angry as the lesser people are . and when i see a possible future featuring a 12-fingered piano player , well folks , that just creeps me out . in one scene from " the people vs . larry flynt , " the hustler magazine publisher appears at a self-staged free speech rally . as graphic photos flash on a huge screen behind him , flynt strides confidently across the stage , delivering a rousing speech over what really constitutes obscenity . the spectacle was reminiscent of the scene in " patton " where the general spoke in front of a giant american flag . both scenes were stirring , larger than life , richly entertaining , and felt totally like contrived set pieces for big hollywood movies . overall , that sums up " the people vs . larry flynt . " the film is a wildly entertaining hoot which , despite being based on fact , feels like a big , phony hollywood movie . the son of a kentucky moonshiner , flynt ( woody harrelson ) ran away from home and ended up operating strip clubs in cincinnati . there he met althea leasure ( courtney love ) , a bisexual stripper who became his fourth wife and the love of his life . to bolster interest in his clubs , he started a sexually explicit newsletter that grew into hustler magazine . flynt , along with the magazine's rag-tag management team , headed by his brother jimmy ( played nicely by woody's real-life brother , steak & shake commercial veteran brett harrelson ) , viewed playboy magazine with contempt . they mocked its slick articles and airbrushed photos , striving to keep hustler focused on " what guys really want , " explicit photos that would make a gynecologist squirm , and extremely crude humor . the film's prime example of hustler's attitude is a cartoon depicting characters from the wizard of oz in an orgy , giving the audience an opportunity to giggle at flynt's " naughtiness . " director milos forman conveniently ignores the magazine's frequent attempts to derive humor from child molestation , racism , and endless scatological cartoons . flynt's rag labored in well-deserved obscurity until he published nude photos of jacqueline onassis , which brought the magazine international attention , big money and the attention of conservatives . an obscenity bust followed , the first in a long series of battles between flynt and the law . lawyer alan isaacman ( edward norton ) enters the scene , hired by flynt's wife . norton , an exceptional actor , is wonderful as the beleaguered lawyer trying to navigate the legal system while dealing with flynt's increasingly childish and bizarre behavior . in court , we meet the sputtering conservatives , headed by citizens for decency leader charles keating ( james cromwell . ) as keating blathers about flynt's immorality , the camera slowly moves in for a close-up of his name tag , inviting the audience to gloat at the notion of morality being trumpeted by keating , who was later convicted in a $2 billion s&l fraud . flynt's other prime foe is rev . jerry falwell , who sues over a hustler parody involving him and his mother having sex in an outhouse . tragedy strikes as flynt is shot by a would-be assassin , leaving him paralyzed from the waist down . a dark period follows , as flynt and leasure hole up in an l . a . suite , strung out on pain killers . flynt eventually kicks drugs , but leasure succumbs to addiction , and later , aids . after watch falwell on tv , describing aids as a punishment from god , flynt directs his lawyer to take the falwell case to the supreme court , leading to the film's climactic courtroom scene . " the people vs , larry flynt " is at its weakest when moralizing on free speech and lionizing flynt . " if they'll protect a scumbag like me , then they'll protect all of you , " declared flynt . he's right , of course , but the director forman cheats in portraying the opposition as little more than hypocritical buffoons . he also cheats in casting woody harrelson as flynt . harrelson is an attractive , charismatic man , and his strong performance paints flynt as a colorful folk hero . even a cursory look at the real flynt , who is making the talk show circuit , and plays the judge in an early courtroom scene , shows a bloated , morose and bitter man . an accurate portrayal of flynt would have made a more difficult film to watch , but a richer one . despite its flaws , " flynt " is a fast moving , rousing movie with some terrific acting , especially by courtney love , whose vibrant performance will likely garner an oscar nod . the story may be candy-coated , but it's still delicious candy . we all know the fate of " child's play , " which is the same for almost any film these days that does marginally well financially : sequel hell . with the newest installment in the quasi-popular series currently out ( that would be " bride of chucky " - and it grossed 11 million in its opening weekend , which i think is the sign of the apocalypse number five ) , it's kinda fun to go back and see how it all began rougly ten years ago with the original , a task which is a retread for some , and for others ( namely myself ) a chance to see what all the fuss was about . alas , the original " child's play " actually isn't that bad . even seeing it in the tiny , claustrophobic , and mechanically-challenged theatre at my college wasn't the horribly dull experience i thought it would be , not just because of the nicely rowdy crowd ( which you almost need to watch a film like this - and if you don't believe me , try and watch this flick by yourself one day ) , but because as a whole , this isn't a bad movie . it's not great , but it does have two things that many horror films like this one don't have : 1 ) a rather nifty premise , and 2 ) a sense of humor , both which save this from horror hell , which is precisely where , say , " i know what you did last summer " has recently gone . the premise of " child's play " is that a serial killer named charles lee ray ( brad douriff ) is shot and almost killed by a chicago hard-boiled detective ( chris surrandon - see what happens to some oscar nominees ? ) , and before he dies , utters a voodoo chant that sends his soul directly into a kid's doll called chucky , a doll which has got to be the scariest-looking kid's doll i've ever seen . the next day , a bum who's stolen it sells it to single-mother karen barclay ( catherine hicks ) , who then gives it to her young son andy ( alex vincent ) for his birthday . of course chucky begins talking to the kid and trying to find a way to get out of the doll , but certain twists come up . like the guy he learned voodoo from reveals to him that the only way to break the curse is to take over the body of the first person he told he was inside the doll , that being andy . and soon enough , chucky is killing people either for revenge or for what seems like fun , and people are discovering that chucky isn't just a kiddie doll one by one . the idea is a neat one , ripe for lots of comic terror , and luckily it utlizes a lot of that . it plays with an idea stolen from a classic looney toons short that when someone knows that chucky is alive , they tell people about it , but when he tries to prove themselves , chucky does nothing , and everyone thinks they're crazy . it plays with this , as well as the whole child-like thought that dolls and toys come to life , and even manages to cram in a couple really frightening moments . even if there's an entire sequence devoted to cliches ( a woman alone in a house hears a noise , goes to investigate it , and finds nothing , but wait for the kicker a second later ! ) , there's also a harrowing car ride with chucky trying to knife the detective from the back seat , and then trying to attack him when the car finally crashes , leaving the viewer with at least rather visceral exprience . the ending is rather fun , as well , albeit a tad too drawn-out ( about four different endings , maybe five ) , and the characters are more intelligent than the average horror film line-up , making them easier to sympathize with . if there's one horrible thing about many horror films , it's that the protagonists are morons who you can't help but shout obscenities at , and for the most part , " child's play " steers away from that . and most of all , the chucky character is a good one , not just because he provides instant comic relief ( look ! that doll's moving on its own ! ) , but because he's a generally scary character . if there's anything really wrong with " child's play , " it's that it's too trite and has too less self esteem . at almost 90 minutes , " child's play " features way too less to be a real classic of horror . it throws itself into a simple three act set-up that renders it quick and almost forgettable if it weren't for the fact that the film deals with a psychotic doll . if the film had more confidence in what it was presenting , it would really push the envelope and become even more than just a short bit of horror escapism , which is precisely why this kind of film is only memorable as a cheap little horor film . . . which isn't necessarily a bad thing . as such , " child's play " is content to be just the short , typical horror film , but saves itself via a sense of humor and a nice quasi-campy feel that makes it much more enjoyable than the average short , typical horror film . director : penelope spheeris ( decline of western civilization ii - the : metal years , dudes , & suburbia ) cast : mike myers ( wayne campbell ) , dana carvey ( garth algar ) , : rob lowe ( benjamin oliver ) , tia carrere ( cassandra ) summary : wayne and garth have a public access show called " wayne's : world . " the show is a underground hit , until benjamin : oliver comes onto the scene . benjamin wants to turn the : show into a big hit nationwide , possibly destroying the : essence of " wayne's world " in the process . [expectations - medium] long review =========== i must admit being a bit reluctant going into this film . i didn't believe that they ( mike myers and dana carvey ) could hold it up for an hour and a half , i figured that perhaps the first half-hour would be great , and the rest would be " fluff . " however , i was really surprised about how well they were able to keep the laughs going for the virtually the whole film , with the exception of the ending . ( which i won't discuss for obvious reasons , but it's not * that * bad . ) story : the plot was quite thin , but it really wasn't that noticeable , because of the rapid-fire jokes that myers wrote in . alot of the jokes are very similar to hot shots ! , in being very " parodyish . " ( okay , bad term . ) extremely witty throughout , although ( as in hot shots ) it got a bit repetitive in the middle . acting : as in many comedies , the acting isn't really * that * important . however , myers turns in a good performance as wayne , playing the character perfectly , ( although i still liked him better back on much music , in a more " canadian " type of mode . ) carvey is okay as garth , but he lacks the spark myers puts into wayne . tia carrere is mediocre as cassandra , playing it very stilted . lowe is fine as ben oliver , but is nothing to write home about . without a doubt , this movie is mike myers all the way . direction : spheeris is a classic " music " movie director , making dudes , and decline of western civilization ii -- the metal years . ( she also directed the boys next door , which is different , to say the least . ) she is very capable , knows how direct a comedy , the correct camera movements it instill laughs , etc . one of the better jobs i can remember for a comedy . overall : i would suggest to anyone that likes snl's skits to go see this film in the theatres . however , my personal opinion , as in most comedies , is that they work just as well on video . you definately have to be fan of music , and all forms of media in general to enjoy this film . without a doubt , this is the best comedy so far this year . it'll make tons 'o' dough for everyone involved . let's just hope they make a thousand sequels . [sorry , i had to get the lame joke in . . . forgive me . ] natural born killers is really a very simple story that , in essence , has already been told in bonnie & clyde with some major variations in emphasis , mood and degree . both films glamorize " outlaws , " in one case bank robbers and killers and in the other mass murderers . both relate the story of a couple liberated by love . but where bonnie & clyde was partial and subtle , natural born killers is total and blatant . where bonnie & clyde was social , natural born killers is psychological . what bonnie & clyde hinted at , natural born killers confronts and explores . what bonnie and clyde stole , mickey and mallory kill . to examine natural born killers as nothing more than a psychological odyssey of realization and exposure of the frauds surrounding them , expressed metaphorically as killing , subdues the mysterious power this film wields . for the most part , when mickey and mallory kill , they kill all that frustrates them unnecessarily , they kill what is trying to kill them , they kill what dissembles and cowers from life , they kill what needs to be killed . this mythos is at least as old as the hindu trinity . brahma created . vishnu preserved . and siva destroyed , but he destroyed what needed to be destroyed to make way for the useful creations of brahma . the following may be painfully mundane but metaphorically so accurate , i'm forced to say it for clarity's sake : a plumber must remove the old lead and copper pipes , that is , destroy the old plumbing system in order to replace it with the new one made of plastics . your plumber , bonnie and clyde , mickey and mallory , and siva are all productive destroyers . i think you could say without much of a challenge that religion is responsible for more killing and death , presently and historically , than any other phenomena . muslims kill christians . hindus kill muslims . christians kill pagans . jews kill christians , etc . you could reverse subject and predicate in each instance and still not be challenged . religion is an orgy of killing . the institution of the state only misses first place for technical reasons like it hasn't been a major player for as long or the two are frequently indistinguishable . " the state is the divine idea upon earth , " hegel said , meaning it is absolute , all-powerful , ineffable , unassailable , infallible , authoritarian and patriarchal just like jhvh , allah , god , etc . well , what does all this have to do with natural born killers ? let me first say that religions of this nature , in the ideal , take the place of sex . consider the catholic church , which in its hey-dey , took religion as seriously as any other religion or institution ever . god takes the place of sex as manifested in all those vows of celibacy taken by the pope , cardinals , bishops , monks , etc . they forego the one , in order to come closer to the other . during the middle ages , when this doctrine was unmitigated and unchallenged , the most repressive regime the west has ever known in terms of scope and magnitude rose to power . ( parenthetically , witness plato as well . in the republic , he attempted to launch the first systematic absolutist regime . not coincidentally he was something of a mystic himself , regularly assailing the passions . ) catholicism , as policy , attacks the passions as evil . it sees intercourse only as a means to perpetuate the species not as a way to pleasure . masturbation is considered a sin with the sacrament of penance necessary for absolution . this is religion , this is authoritarianism in its essence . as further evidence , the nazis had the same attitudes as the church on these matters . our culture , most of the cultures of the world have been steeped in this tradition for thousands of years . we can't help but adopt , even internalize some of these same authoritarian attitudes , leading to a destructive split between the biological and social self . mickey and mallory knox internalized them , too , then through spontaneous sexual awareness sparked in each one of them by the presence of the other , discovered them , and began expurgating them from themselves and from the world in the process unifying themselves . it is a straightforward liberation through sex . as some good patriarch once observed , " you can maintain control as long as everyone keeps their clothes on . " m&m had a vision of what the world would be like without contradictions . they saw what civilization and culture and everyday life would be like under such conditions . " the moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers , " as mickey says . as a the most consistent and impassioned critic of western culture there is nietzsche applying his typical stridency to the matter : let us look each other in the face . we are hyberboreans--we know well enough how remote our place is . " neither by land nor by water will you find the road to the hyberboreans " : even pindar , in his day , knew that much about us . beyond the north , beyond ice , beyond death--our life , our happiness . . . . we have discovered that happiness ; we know the way ; we got our knowledge of it from thousands of years in the labyrinth . who else has found it ? --the man of today ? -- " i don't know either the way out or the way in ; i am whatever doesn't know either the way out or the way in " --so sighs the man of today . . . . this is the sort of modernity that made us ill--we sickened in lazy peace , cowardly compromise , the whole virtuous dirtiness of the modern yea and nay . this tolerance and largeur of the heart that " forgives " everything because it " understands " everything is a sirocco to us . rather live amid the ice than among modern virtues and other such south-winds ! as far as i can tell , this is what the movie has to say . its alleged critique of the media is only secondary , tertiary , quaternary , subsidiary for sure . for example wayne gayle's first report ends with some gen x dude saying , " if i were a mass murderer i'd be mickey and mallory , " in his most excellent bill and ted voice . on one level you cd make the humdrum observation that because the media had glamorized these two psychopaths that the uncritical , impressionable gen x dumb guy confused the matter and took them for heroes . it seems more likely that he made an independent judgement at a subconscious level recognizing what m&m were up to and confessing that if he had the balls to be so honest with himself he'd be just like them , killing and destroying what deserves it . let me exemplify what i've been saying by analyzing a scene from the film , namely the scene where mallory fucks the gas station attendant , kills him , and then castigates him for giving her " the worst fuckin' head i've ever had in my life ! ! ! " now , i never claimed that mickey and mallory had a perfect relationship , because demonstrably they didn't , and this scene and the ones leading up to it show us this . sometimes they are the source of each others frustrations , but unwilling to kill each other , since they love each other so much and are responsible for each others liberation , they must kill in place of their lever . it's no secret that in this scene mallory fantasized that her victim was mickey . as the attendant approached he took on mickey's character in the eyes of mallory . she needed to kill him because of he kidnapped that girl in the hotel room and was having secret fantasies about her while making love to mallory . upon discovery , mallory views this as a betrayal , judges him , and commutes his sentence on someone else . the style of the movie is a whole 'nother matter that i won't get into very deeply but surely it is partially responsible for its power . let me just say that its editing has the opposite effect of a western with shots that linger forever on a salon entrance or the like suggesting the expansiveness , barreness and boredom of the frontier lifestyle . the rapid succession of all those 8mm , 16mm , 35mm images from various perspectives with a soundtrack sometimes in sync and sometimes out of sink instills a skittish , frenetic mood . also , jungian archetypes abound . these can't help but trigger deep psychological responses we can barely understand especially when they flash across the screen for barely a few frames . some of the best scenes and lines that come to mind . ( quotes are paraphrased only ) : mickey to mallory : " one of these days i'm gonna be cummin' for you , " in prison , while mallory jacks mickey off . semen is a symbol for great potential and things to come . at the time they haven't yet had sex nor have they killed anyone yet . the two of course go hand in hand . for an even more explicit semen scene see silence of the lambs . mickey during his marriage to mallory : " as creator of my universe , i pronounce us man and wife . " the way woody delivers this line is truly haunting , but telling , too . it reveals m&m are well on their way to expunging all their destructive tendencies and replacing them with positive ones . this is what mickey means by " creator of my universe , " he is giving himself or creating for himself healthy attitudes . it is not necessarily a schizophrenic retreat into solipsism as it first appears . scagnetti's first meeting with mallory is through her pubic hair he plucks from the gas station attendant's mouth . the indian sage releasing mallory's father , who was reincarnated as a snake : " old man , go be a snake , " after telling his " snake story " that ends with " bitch , you knew i was a snake . " after mickey shoots this sage to death during a bewildering nightmare , mallory says , " you killed life ! ! ! " this is another telling quote because it implies they didn't see themselves as killers of life . then what were they killing up to that time ? in some case just those zombies faking their way through life , the living dead , as it were . in other cases , all the anti-life forces , the cops and their parents . the butterfly just before the movie shifts into the prison . it of course symbolizes rebirth . dr . emil reingold , as portrayed by steven wright , passing judgement on m&m : " mickey and mallory know the difference between right and wrong , they just don't give a damn . " this is reminiscent of nietzsche's whole philosophy , and maybe a direct reference to his beyond good and evil . mickey : " the rabbit says the moment of realization is worth 1000 prayers . " mickey ( again in his interview ) : " me and you , we are not the same species . " notice when the escape is in progress we get some role reversals in terms of leadership and control . mickey the prisoner becomes the leader of his little gang . the wardens become prisoners and the civilians like wayne gayle and his producer follow the leader , no matter who it is . mickey : how ya feelin' ? wayne : fucking great ! mickey : you got the feelin' ? wayne : i'm alive . i'm alive for the first fuckin' time ! what an incredible transformation this is . he got the feeling and he couldn't contain himself . what a feeling . that feeling of metaphysical freedom that you can create your own universe . mickey when almost caught in a dead end , " think , think , think , think . " go figure it out . dwight ( tommy lee jones ) in general , because he may be the sickest fuck in the whole film . his whole attitude can be summed up with , " destroy them ! ! ! " the bond series is an island in the film world ; where else would we look forward to cliches , and all of the other things that occur in most of these films ? where else would pure escapism , a vulnerable hero , the " talking villains , " blatant product placement , predictable action sequences , and lots of promiscuity be hoped for instead of a significant change ? i don't understand it myself , but that's what the bond series is based on . for ( i think ) 18 films , we've mostly got the same thing over and over again , with some variation ( and a bit of change , most notably in the two dalton films ) . but even i , a king of cynicism , can't bitch about it . and " tomorrow never dies , " the ( again , i think ) eighteenth bond film , and second brosnan bond film , is no exception . thank god ! the plot , as in most of them , is pure balderdash , but seems to have a nice kind of edge to it . instead of just plain billionaire psychotics , we get a rupert murdoch-esque media mogul/psychotic - elliot carver ( jonathan pryce , looking bitching with a white-haired cru cut , and always talking like he's out of breath ) , who has the admittingly ingenius idea of getting ratings by creating a war . no , this is not " wag the dog " - he wants a real war , between china and england , and is stupid enough to put the coverage out before anyone else discovered it . . . in comes bond . james is sent all around the world , trying to do research on carver , fighting with his men , and running into ( on more than one occasion ) a chinese secret agent like him : wai lin ( michelle yeoh , asian action star extraordinaire . . . and co-star of " supercop , " nearly stealing the screen from jackie chan in that one ) . the two eventually , and predictably of course , begin working together , and yes , there is some sexual tension between the two . luckily , their relationship is never strained , and she never gives into his cassanova-ness until the finale . thank god again . in every bond film , james bags , on average , three women ( sometimes more , sometimes less - the latter being more potent towards the aids-cautionary dalton ) , and he doesn't spoil this one ( though we never see them , of course - i mean , they need to stay around a pg-13 rating ) . there's always one at the beginning with some chick we never see again , the big bond girl ( yeoh ) , and this time we have an almost-cameo by teri hatcher as carver's wife , paris , who , it seems , was once one of the girls he bags at the beginning . yes , teri's very attractive , but she seems kind of dull . of course , it's not really her fault ; her part is under-written , and she's only in a small part of it . oh well . and there are always the big henchmen , the guys who do the dirty work for the polished big villains . this time we get a tall , arian-looking ( not to mention robert shaw in " from russia with love " -looking ) guy named stamper ( goetz otto ) , who is pretty awesome , although a bit stiff ( well , mostly his posture , really ) . and for a bit of comedy , we get a cameo from vincent shiavelli as a german or austrian assassin who is ordered to do in bond at one point . the government people have small parts , as usual , with q ( desmond llewelyn , looking near death , sadly ) getting only one scene ( in a more grouchy mood than usual ) , and m ( judi dench ) , getting more than m usually gets ( i mean , it is judi dench ) . and for no reason whatsoever , except 'cause he was so good in " goldeneye , " joe don baker shows up again as wade , admitting he has no reason for being there , and is this time more annoying . again , oh well . the action sequences are not a let-down , although sometimes go on too long . they pop up every now and then , mainly because they have to ( for the sake of the series ) , and some significant ones are the opening one , one in a garage with a bmw that runs on remote control , and a motorcylce chase ( on a bmw cycle , nonetheless ) through china streets ( or was it vietnam . . . the plot's not really essential ) . they're more high-tech , and feature much more laughs , which , yeah , i dig . so what if they're distracting ; they're supposed to be ! the acting , from most around is great . yeoh is , actually , one of the better bond girls , mainly because she's so unique . the better bond girls are more independent , and have a certain wily-ness to them . pussy galore , with her homoerotic undertones and all , is one of the best , and diana rigg , who married bond at the end of " on her majesty's secret service " only to be killed , added some emotional depth . yeoh is notable since she's so active , and has great chemistry with brosnan . pryce is an awesome villain , being slimy and lovable at the same time . and brosnan is , once again , the mack daddy . the bond series is built on cliches , mainly because they're so fun and add to the escapism . if you can remember the dalton years , and they're serious direction , you remember how unsuccessful they were , both financially and aesthetically . the series would falter if bogged down with too much plot , too many themes , and too much characterization . i don't really understand it myself , yet i'm one of the bigger fans of the series in the northeast united states . having seen all of them more than once ( yes , i've seen this twice already ) , you can tell i adore them . while it's not one of the best , like " goldfinger " or " from russia with love , " " tomorrow never dies " is nonetheless a truly awesome installment , even if not being as fully amazing as some of the better ones . this sometimes-tedious and often-moving documentary charts the life and times of anne frank , the young diarist and most-famous victim of adolph hitler . writer/director/producer jon blair has collected a staggering amount of historical material on both anne and the frank family . we meet miep gies , one of the family's protectors who is still alive . she recounts how she found the diary in the days after the germans captured the franks . we watch otto frank , anne's father and surviving family member , in interview footage filmed before his death . blair successfully combines these clips , footage , and other historical records to recount exactly what happened during that terrible period of european history . as narrated by kenneth branagh and with diary excepts read by glenn close , anne frank remembered retells more than just anne's story . we meet and learn about the * many * friends , family members , and acquaintances whose lives were touched by this young woman and her writings . winner of the last year's academy award for best documentary . john sayles' " men with guns " is about what happens to a society when brute force and constant threat of violence are the only means of gaining and maintaining power . the film takes place in an unnamed central american country , where the men with guns are the rulers . most of the country is divided into tiny segments - some are controlled by guerrillas with guns , some are controlled by army soldiers with guns , and all the spaces in-between are controlled by thieves , bandits , and terrorists . all people not fitting one of those descriptions are defined only by their powerlessness . however , like so many central american countries , this one also features modernity . there is an unnamed capital city that bears all the hallmarks of contemporary civilization : skyscrapers , hospitals , televisions , highways , etc . but , it might as well be in another country because those who live in the comforts of the city have either decided to ignore the violence ravaging the rest of the land , or else they are simply ignorant of it . the film's main character , dr . fuentes ( federico luppi ) falls into the latter category . one of his patients , an army general , describes him as the most educated man he has ever met , and also the most naive . fuentes is a true liberal , a caring man who thinks he can cure the ills of his country by fighting bacteria and ignorance among the indigenous indians . with government assistance , he has trained a large group of eager young medical students and sent them into the rainforest to cure and educate . this program was to be his legacy , and he repeats over and over that it was a good idea . however , when he ventures into that same rainforest to visit his prot ? g ? s , he finds that things have not turned out as he has envisioned . as he travels deeper into the forest , going from village to village , the story is always the same : the doctors were all killed by either the guerrillas or the army soldiers , usually for helping the other . when dr . fuentes asks a village woman why the army killed one of the doctors , she replies simply , " because they had guns , and we didn't . " rational science and all its attempts to cure have been wiped out by the men with guns , because others' sickness and ignorance helps them maintain power . dr . fuentes picks up several companions during his journey , all of whom are characterized by their loss . first , there is a young boy named conejo ( dan rivera gonz ? lez ) , who has neither a mother nor a father . next , fuentes crosses paths with a thief named domingo ( dami ? n delgado ) , who deserted the army because he was tired of being jeered into committing murderous atrocities . through his ordeal in the army , domingo has lost most of his self-respect , and defines himself only by his pistol . along the way , the group also picks up padre portillo ( dami ? n alc ? zar ) , a priest who has lost his faith . as domingo is running from the army , so is portillo - he has been labeled a guerrilla sympathizer , and ran away from the village in which he was preaching . last , the group takes on a mute girl named graciela ( tania cruz ) , who hasn't spoken since she was raped two years earlier , her innocence and even her will to live forcefully taken from her . sayles two major strengths as a director - characters and setting - are abundantly evident in " men with guns . " ( like many of his films , sayles might have tightened this one somewhat in the editing room , but a longer-than-necessary running time is a sin almost always committed when the director is also the editor . ) he creates fascinating , complex characters , especially dr . fuentes and domingo . their uneasy relationship is also somewhat humorous in context of the film's overarching theme of violence as power - domingo's attempts to control fuentes with his revolver are constantly undermined by fuentes' belief that the revolver is unloaded ( at first it is , but later is isn't ) . the setting is also as thick with detail as the rainforest itself . sayles knows how to bring a location to life , whether it be an early twentieth-century coal mining town in " matewan " ( 1987 ) or a contemporary texas/mexico bordertown in " lone star " ( 1996 ) . sayles is not a particularly inventive director - he likes to let his actors do most of the work - but he and cinematographer slavomir idziak ( " gattaca " ) successfully evoke both the beauty and the danger of the central american terrain . sayles also maintains a strong sense of authenticity by filming everything on location in mexico , using all latin american actors , and having all the dialogue spoken in either spanish or native indian dialects . the one exception is a couple of bumbling american tourists who work not only as comic relief , but as evidence of just how clueless the united states is about what is going on a few hundred miles south of the texas border . it would not be a stretch to say that " men with guns " is a depressing film . in fact , the two feelings it evokes most are hopelessness and failure . in addition to loss , the main characters are also failures at something , whether that be dr . fuentes failure to change anything through medicine , or padre portillo's inability to stand up and be the martyr he always dreamed of being . nevertheless , it is bleak material sayles has chosen , and he deals with it accordingly . the last shot of the film does offer a hint of hope , even in a world where , as one character puts it , " nobody refuses the men with guns . " plot : during a 10-week span in london in the fall of 1888 , jack the ripper , a man whose identity was never uncovered , committed five ritualistic , grisly murders of prostitutes . this film is based on the graphic novel which assembled a theory behind the century-old mystery . critique : awesome ! i love dark movies , i love stylish movies , i love good mysteries and i love johnny depp . . . so yes , i really dug this movie ! the hughes brothers are back with a vengeance , out to show the world that they are directors to be taken seriously , and this movie , my friends . . . is very serious ! in fact , it's also very gruesome and bloody and morbid and creepy and black as hell . it ain't for the kids , i'll tell you that much . and if any of those recent hack directors of two-bit scream-esque slasher flicks want some advice on effective " kill scenes " , do not look any further , because each one committed to this film is a cinematic stunner , especially when compared to their generic slice-and-dice contrivances . in fact , most of this film's structure is very creative , the actors , all solid , the atmosphere and " feel " of the picture , remarkably real ( gotta love those " unfortunates " ) , and the descent into darkness , well honed by the filmmakers . you can almost taste the seediness off the screen and quickly come to appreciate the politics of the time . but it's also an impressive mystery film , based on the true-life tale of jack the ripper , a man whose identity was never discovered . the theory in this film is based on the graphic novel " from hell " written by alan moore and presents a compelling story , which despite being a little oliver stone-ish , did manage to tie up all of its loose ends quite nicely , and present us with an entertaining bowl of mayhem , sexual depravity , drug usage , insanity , murders and love ? yes , the brothers even managed to slip a little " love " story in here , and despite not truly being developed , i guess it could've been much worse and taken up more time than was provided already . that's right , there's no real need to put any " romance " in a film about a mass murderer ! but that aside , you gotta give up the props to actor extraordinaire johnny depp , who once again possesses the strength in character and flawless acting abilities , to center this movie all the way through . sure , he's just playing a less goofier version of his ichabod crane character from sleepy hollow , but he does it so well and even added a michael caine accent to his mixed bag of tricks in this one . i was also surprised at how little heather graham annoyed me in this film ( i was sure that her presence would ruin this movie , but she was fine ) and how little the dreams/fantasies of depp's character had to do with the film's development ( from what i had seen in the trailer , i thought the filmmakers were going to make this the crux of the story , but thankfully , it wasn't ) . on the downside , the film doesn't really explain the whole freemasons cult organization real well and lacks character development . but then again , a story about the most mysterious serial killer of all-time is probably not the ideal spot for character refinement . i mean , the less i knew about each person , the more suspicious i became of each one's motives , reasons , etc . . . in fact , i was actually quite surprised by who was presented as the killer in the end , and that was in part , due to the distance to which i'd been held from the film's characters . . . or am i giving the filmmakers too much credit for something that might not have been their intention ? perhaps . overall , this is an extremely creepy production , with glorious cinematography ( reminiscent of coppola's dracula and burton's sleepy hollow ) , a grim score and solid acting . but it's not for everyone . some may be utterly repulsed by the gory particulars of these tragic events , and even though the murders aren't shown as graphically as you might think , there's enough here to send the squeamish right out the doors . but i for one love movies that blend their eclectic visual style with an interesting mystery and palpable , gothic atmosphere , and this flick is just that and plenty more ! and god knows that i will certainly not be surrendering the burnt image of jack the ripper's haunting cape silhouette and gleaming silver knife from my mind anytime soon . . . brrrrr ! where's joblo coming from ? the crow ( 9/10 ) - dark city ( 9/10 ) - dracula ( 7/10 ) - jfk ( 9/10 ) - the nightmare before christmas ( 10/10 ) - the ninth gate ( 8/10 ) - the others ( 9/10 ) - quills ( 8/10 ) - shadow of the vampire ( 6/10 ) - sleepy hollow ( 8/10 ) in `enemy at the gates' , jude law is a gifted russian sniper made hero by a political officer named danilov ( joseph fiennes ) who uses him in a propaganda newspaper to raise the hopes of the soldiers and people of stalingrad . it's world war ii , and the russian-german standoff in town could determine the outcome of things for the motherland . law's vassili is the russian's top pawn to victory . lots of war stuff happens . an older , german version of jude's character played by ed harris shows up halfway into the proceedings . he's equally talented , and the two men play a cat and mouse game trying to kill each other . they constantly switch roles , as the war fades far into the background . the cast also includes the terrific rachel weisz as a love interest for both vassili and danilov the set-up is decent , and so are the production values . boasting a wide range of grimy locales , greasy hair , and tattered costumes , the art direction prospers . the actors , however , suffer the problem matt damon had in `saving private ryan' . either their eyes , teeth , skin , or a combination of other features looked too white and clean . with dirt and blood all around , the blinding teeth or bright eyes of these actors divert attention from the action . that said , the players are mostly good in their roles , although i don't think ed harris was really trying . maybe he realized his role struck a difficult chord in one-notedom . while the film is technically about snipers , there are far too many predictable sniping scenes . director jean-jacques annaud expects us to view each tense situation with jude and some cohort in a tight spot as edgy and exciting , but after about the sixth time , in which we realize that jude is not going to die , it's relatively pointless . we get that he's talented , okay , let's move on . that's the problem with `enemy at the gates' ; it just doesn't know when to stop . witness the wasted seventeen minutes that could have been spent elsewhere . reestablishing his title as the most beautiful ( and often talented ) man on film , jude law carries the movie . without him , this costly production would have gone into the ground . the story and acting are of good quality , but there's never a sense of authenticity or reality . something about this war movie is undeniably modern , and it loses its feeling . strange enough , the screenplay is based on the true story of a real russian sniper . it's been a good long while since we had a good old fashioned thriller , where mostly everything goes right for the audience and wrong for the characters , but it's been even longer since i saw a thriller that actually * shock * cared for the characters , not merely judged them but actually allowed their human foibles , flaws , and strengths to emerge so radiantly . i'd saw that it's been at least a couple decades , even as far back to the great hitchcock thrillers , though i'm hardly comparing " a simple plan " to , say , " rear window " or " strangers on a train . " yet it's almost as good . it's simple , yet strangely complex , and astonishingly rewarding , because instead of moving from plot point to plot point , and merely laying out they-might-be-caught overtones , it instead concerns itself with the moral corruption and depths of greed that its protagonists can go to , all without ever judging them as either evil or even immoral . elegantly directed by sam raimi ( yes , the same ) , " a simple plan " concerns itself with the discovery of a crashed plane and within a bag full of millions of dollars by an upright , moderately financially stable working man ( bill paxton ) , his dim-witted brother ( billy bob thornton ) , and his drinking buddy ( brent briscoe ) . without anyone around , and the possibility that no one would come looking for it , the three debate and debate but finally reach the decision that yes , they will keep it , but until any authorities or possible owners of the cash come looking , and so they generally don't flaunt anything they don't want to flaunt , they'll keep it stored away in the custody of paxton . the possibilites of this circumstance are much diverse : a ) they could endlessly play cat and mouse with the authorities ; b ) they could try to fight off the rightful owners , who are either villainous or just ; or c ) they could fight amongst themselves . " a simple plan , " though borrows a little from each of these . a little tiff with the cops here , a subplot involving an alleged fbi agent ( a chilling gary cole ) there ) , and a bit of inside feuding over here . but , as austin powers would say , that's not necessarily its bag ( baby ) . what i most admired about this film , and what makes this a far superior and unique thriller is that it's successfully able to have its cake and eat it too . it effectively involves some of the traditional thriller cliches , like the ones mentioned above , but at the same time , it involves itself more deeply with the way the characters become morally corrupt and what price they have to pay to have what they think is happiness in a black duffle bag . so while steps are taken to neatly cover things up , and these subsequent steps go miserably awry , the film choses to never loose the sight that in covering things up to the extent that these characters have to , they are slowly losing their souls and their humanity . in one early scene , paxton and thornton have to make a trip back to the plane to return some of the money so it doesn't look like it was all stolen ( not a bad idea ) , when thornton screws up ( as he does continuously throughout the movie ) , and paxton has to do some major covering-up ( read : homicide ) . instead of a quick murder and immeadiate hands-washing , raimi shows a lengthy , painful shot from a low-angle onto paxton's face as he tries to sift through his emotions and reach a conclusion . there's a similar shot afterwards of paxton watching the murder he's committing and taking in all the horror which is also wonderfully effective , but the previous shot is even better : more morally complex and more gut-wrenching . in short , probably the best piece of direction raimi's ever done , demonstrating once again that sometimes the simplest way to do something yields the best results ( for further proof , watch " persona " 's " sex scene " and witness what may be the best scene ingmar bergman's ever done ) . but the film hardly stops here ; it follows completely through and rarely loses sight of its characters humanity and the depletion thereof . yet it also moves from step to step in such a graceful method that we never feel like the film is merely stamping out the plot points of the story . when the time comes for paxton to start becoming selfish and thus diabolical ( with aid from his pregnant wife , played by bridget fonda , a pal to raimi ) , he does , and soon the horror of the situation is escalating to tragic heights . there's at least two grand shootouts , and at least one of them may be one of the greatest shootouts in cinema history , and when they arrive , they don't come with masochistic delight but with cringe-inducing horror . during the one , i was actually sinking into my chair , with the mantra " they can't do this , can they ? " streeming through my head . in fact , this film , which is getting many comparisons to the coen's [superior , but forget about it] " fargo , " has many similar moments of manic insanity , attributed to the major amount of subtlety and restraint with which the directors direct what , in other hands , would be over-the-top distractedness ( imagine , i suppose , robert rodriguez directing this . . . then again , after seeing the " evil dead " films , i'd hardly assume raimi would be able to pull something like this off , although there are moments of the film which are easily dubbed " raimi " moments , a rifle-shot notwithstanding ) . instead , raimi directs with maturity and a gentle touch , easily letting the story and characters co-exist , while still letting some of the more traditional raimi elements come out , like some offbeat comic touches . most particularly , billy bob thornton's character , jacob , is a brilliant creation . his dim-wittedness is often hilarious ( for most of the film , every line he uttered was greeted with howling laughter ) , but there's authenticity to the performance that strangely enough makes sure that we're not totally laughing at him . the chuckles he gets are not necessarily ones of full-condescension because thornton is so damn real . jacob's a multi-dimensional character , and while being stupid , we see that as not so much a flaw , but a strength to his character : his simplicity is endearing and many of the acts he commits are out of a strong inner strength and belief system , primarily towards the middle where his bud and co-conspirator begins to make some heavy waves concerning the money . the final third of the film spends much time with him , and many of the touches upon his character , not only by thornton but also by screenwriter scott b . smith ( adapting his own book , by the way ) are just great . i particularly admired a back story about an old high school girlfriend , told by thornton with such sincerity and acception that the cruel story is reversed to near-sweetness and further strength of his saddened character . thornton is absolutely brilliant in this performance , by far the best performance he's ever given and further proof that he's the best character actor in contemporary cinema ( if you don't believe me , go back and watch his wonderful performance in " primary colors , " a performance that would have been nominated for an oscar if this hadn't been in the same year ) because he's easily able to slip into a character , and make him completely and utterly believable . he brings so much weight to the film that , as it is with most character actors , it's difficult picturing anyone else in the role . the rest of the cast is great too , from paxton's declining working man to chelcie ross' amiable town sheriff . even fonda shows off her talents nicely . and if i had any complaints about the film , it's that the plot is almost too simplistic , and that at times , it seems too much like an exercise , like a cruel test on humanity that still pays attention to the humanity involved . and the occasional narration is , as it usually is , annoying ( narration should be used with extreme caution , especially when you're trying to set things up and/or express emotions - didn't raimi watch the first murder scene ? ) . and , the thing that can most usually go wrong with a movie , the ending is basically amiss . i won't reveal it , but it's way too cruel and too much of an outsider set-up , as if the appearance of a plane wasn't already too much of that anyway . for a film that deals so much and so intimately with the humanity of the characters involved , this is the wrong ending . imagine a character-controlled ending ; otherwise , it's like if in " crime and punishment " if the police had caught him instead of him breaking down and confessing . . . not that i'm at all comparing " a simple plan " to dostoevsky . the ending does work , despite my protestations , but to me , there was something incessantly nagging and unsatisfying about it ; but if you had no qualms and were happy as a clam with it , then just ignore me and go about your day . but despite my mere claims , make no mistake that i was completely and utterly edge of my seat throughout , and even sometimes curdling up by the situations that occured , not because of any kind of gore factor ( which is , thankfully for this , very minimal ) , but because the film places its characters in situations and gives them such painful things to overcome that i've frankly not seen much like it in quite awhile . at least not since the previous worthy hitchcockian masterpiece . some of my friends who went to live in usa complain about one thing - that country is very different from the one depicted in hollywood movies . that is especially true for those who end up somewhere in that unexplored land between los angeles and new york where they find , to their big surprise , that the majority of people vote republican , go to church every sunday and usually don't tolerate liberal attitudes that are taken for granted in an average american film . such rude awakening , however , can happen in another direction - conservative people are sometimes forced to discover unpleasant truths about world they live in . something like that happens to jake van dorn ( george c . scott ) , successful grand rapids businessman who shares strong calvinist convictions with the rest of his community . one day his daughter kristen ( ilah davis ) disappears from calvinist youth convention in california . van dorn is worried because he doesn't believe that his daughter would run from home . however , the truth delivered by private investigator andy mast ( peter boyle ) is even harder - kristen is spotted in cheap pornographic film . infuriated van dorn is unsatisfied with the way mast's investigation is going , so he goes to los angeles to search for kristen himself . unfortunately , he lacks experience and the quest , that brought him to the utter depths of sex underworld , is fruitless . things change when he devises cunning plan and , while doing it , stumbles on sympathetic prostitute and part time porno actress nicky ( season hubley ) . almost two decades after its release , hardcore is mostly forgotten by critics and film scholars . it is a real shame , because very few movies in today's hollywood would dare tackle controversial issues that writer and director paul schrader explored in his second directorial attempt . in late 1970s , it was totally different situation - films were expected to have mature , serious themes for the mature audience . for schrader this film was nice opportunity to expand the subplot of his previous work , taxi driver - one that deals with the great generational divide that tormented the american society in 1970s . on one side we have an old america that sticks to the puritan ideals of hard work and strict morals that made that country great . but that america is obviously unable to cope with the new challenges brought by the social turmoil in 1960s and , instead of facing them , prefers to live in rural , conservative cocoons . the new america , on the other hand , fares no better - ideals of the so-called " sexual revolution " , same as all other " revolutions " of the swinging sixties , degraded into exploitation and depravity . instead of being " liberated " , baby boomers are stuck with their own inability to cope with the newly discovered freedoms . schrader very cleverly brings the idea that those two americas , actually , aren't so far away - nice example is a brilliant scene in which van dorn , already described as an authoritarian and paternalistic capitalist , meets sleazy porno producer ; the latter one also turns out to be authoritarian , paternalistic and very dedicated to this job . the difference between the two is simply in the line of work . many contemporary critics actually accused schrader of promoting conservative agenda . on the surface , it may look that way - audience is forced to sympathise with van dorn and his quest . in the first scenes , he is portrayed as nice family man who actually doesn't deserve to experience parent's worst nightmare . the scene in the porno cinema that reveals kristen's fate is extremely cruel ; pain and humiliation , brought by oscar-winning actor george c . scott , is of such intensity , that the audience feels sorry for him and simply must support his agenda . van dorn is perhaps flawed , and the subtle hints lead to the unflattering truth at the end ; but the viewers simply know that his cause is just , and that prodigal daughter must be better off with her loving father than with the sleazy pornographers that only want to exploit her body . on the other hand , schrader , who grew up in an environment very much like van dorn's ( his own parents wouldn't allow him to watch movies until he was 18 ) , knows better and tries to bring another side of coin . even the people connected with sex underworld can show redeeming qualities - like nicky , who actually tries to improve her life , and sleazy detective who develops something like a conscience at the end . unfortunately , schrader fails to erase the impact of the shocking scene at the beginning , and his attempt to reconcile the opposing sides of america seems lost in somewhat clich ? d finale . the script is slightly flawed , and schrader as director doesn't show too much originality - his style seems too influenced by techniques that scorsese used in taxi driver . apart from the scenes in grand rapids , those two films even look alike . but the content might be more than interesting for today's viewer , especially those inspired by the current 70s revival . until boogie nights , no hollywood mainstream movie ever dared to explore the phenomenon of pornography in 1970s . hardcore , on the other hand , might serve as precious document , because it depicts sex film industry in the period often regarded as the golden age by connoisseurs - before the advent of video , when many of the porno filmmakers could afford to think of themselves as artists . the view of such age and the industry is very unflattering , though , but for the film whose main character takes time to explain calvinist doctrines to the audience , that shouldn't be too surprising . anyway , despite some flaws , hardcore remains very interesting and powerful piece of cinema . vampire lore and legend has always been a popular fantasy element , substantiated by not only the sheer number of movies about the subject , but also the proliferation of cults and sects of adherents . and , unlike any of the more outlandish myths , the vampire holds some real-world probability ( one study claims 1 , 000 bloodsuckers exist worldwide , and places 50 in los angeles ) . but lest the nasties be mistaken for simple comic book bad guys , john carpenter would like to remind us that they are - and always have been - a truly frightening element of the thriller genre . and remind us he does in his latest film , vampires . there was some question , as halloween weekend approached , of how well vampires would do in comparison to new line cinema's immensely successful blade , released in august . the two films take noticeably different stands on the vampire issue , and don't even agree on some basic points of the slaying method . ( for instance , blade's main weapons are silver and garlic , whereas main character jack crow's technique is a wooden stake to the heart . ) blade also gives more of a face to the vampire civilization , while carpenter would like us to remain in the dark about how the pasties operate . both have their advantages , and here , carpenter's style lends itself to a darker breed of suspense rather than the action movie that blade director stephen norrington delievered . when it's all said and done , though , the vampires still kill and die with a bloody flourish ; the level for gore is indeed set to maximum . this time , our hero is vatican-sponsored slayer jack crow ( james woods ) . he's a cynical , battle-worn veteran , and the best of his bunch . he and his team are responsible for cleaning out the american southwest , and after exterminating a nest one night , they run up against a super-vampire ( termed a " master " ) named valek ( thomas ian griffith ) . valek kills all of jack's team except for his partner , tony montoya ( daniel baldwin ) , and as the two regroup , they learn that valek is the original vampire - now over six hundred years old . apparently , valek and his minions have been sweeping the southwest for decades in search of a cross that will enable them to walk in the daytime . so with the aid of a priest named adam ( tim guinee ) and a bitten hooker ( sheryl lee ) as bait , they track valek down for the final confrontation . the script for vampires , written by don jakoby and based on the john steakley novel , is perhaps the wittiest piece of screenplay to see production all year . crow , in particular , is a fun source of one-liners , and woods does every one of them with perfect stoicism . baldwin , lee , and guinee are all fine supports , adding to the character pool , but the other true highlight of the movie is thomas ian griffith's bad guy . griffith's intense expression is perfect for the role , and the only downside is that he's got to talk sometime . luckily , he's got few lines , and manages to pull off a rather thrilling performance . all said , fans will surely be impressed by this picture , and those who found apt pupil a bit limp will be excited by this one . certainly a worthwhile visit to the theaters . if the current trends of hollywood filmmaking continue , we are probably five or six years away from the moment when the 1980s would become the next golden age of movie nostalgia . although some hollywood products already use the last decade as a background for their stories ( mostly in ironic way , like grosse pointe blank and romy & michelle's high school reunion ) , some time should pass before the good memories of that era overcome the bad ones . until that happens , 1980s would be remembered as the decade of greed , when the revolutionary ideals of 1960s turned into its cruel , materialistic opposite and the money became the only thing that matters . contemporary movies are good in illustrating what was bad for the people who had to live in those times . one of such movies , one that probably brings the essence of 1980s to the screen , is william friedkin's to live and die in l . a . the money isn't just the symbolic motive in the film , it is the major elements of the plot . rick masters ( willem dafoe ) is an ex-convict who used his artistic abilities in order to become one of the best counterfeiters in l . a . being too intelligent to fall into police traps , and ruthless enough to eliminate anybody or anything that could jeopardise his career , masters managed to elude law for years and became well- connected . richard chance ( william l . petersen ) is a secret service agent , adrenaline junkie whose life gets new meaning after his partner got killed by masters . however , his plans of bringing the counterfeiter down meet one obstacle after another . finally he sets up a final sting , but his superiors deny him the necessary money . being frustrated , and against the reluctance of his new partner john vukovich ( bill pankow ) , he decides to get the money by robbing underworld courier . their plan backfires with almost tragic consequences when their target turns out to be undercover fbi agent , but chance decides to carry out his scheme anyway . like french connection , one of his previous masterpieces , this friedkin's movie was inspired by real life . gerrald petievich , author of the novel that later served as basis for his screenplay , spent many years working as a secret service agent . that turned to be useful for the portrayal of that law enforcement agency , not much utilised by hollywood . secret service millieu was also cleverly used in order to bring the viewer into the decade of greed ; the beginning scene where the movie's hero works as a part of presidential security detail is a nice opportunity to hear reagan's speech that could illustrate the political and economical notions of those times . ultramaterialistic and egotistical view of the world is shared by almost any character in the movie . willem dafoe brilliantly portrays dangerous and intelligent psychopath , whose ruthlessness and lack of any moral fibber doesn't seem like affliction in the reagan years ; on the contrary , those qualities actually makes masters socially acceptable . compared with him , and all the other side characters that want their " piece of the action " , two heroes on the side of law seem like losers . instead of being a classical good guy , secret service agent richard chance ( portrayed by william petersen in his most impressive role so far ) is nothing more than a lunatic whose adrenaline addiction and madness work against his better judgement ; his sidekick , who should serve as those " better judgement " is a weakling and sentimental fool that gets suckered in the end . in such surroundings of moral decay , the not so happy , yet surprising ending doesn't seem out of line ( although the very last shot leaves too much questions unanswered ) . the dark atmosphere of l . a . - city of glamour and moral decay - is nicely captured by william friedkin's directing skills . the tight and realistic scripts with memorable characters ( portrayed by such capable actors like john turturro , dean stockwell , debra feuer , darlanne fleugel and steve james ) gave opportunity for friedkin to use another gimmick that made him famous in his 1971 masterpiece - great car chase . that scene alone , with lot of realism , thrills and surprise twists , is worth seeing the rest of the film . the soundtrack , provided by now almost forgotten band " wang chung " , is also one of the more memorable of that decade . in every case , to live and die in l . a . is one of the rare movies in which hollywood actually tries to tell some unflattering truths about the world and succeeds in it . jean-luc picard ( patrick stewart ) and the rest of the crew of the u . s . s . enterprise are back for their third outing in the ninth film based on the 1960's series , star trek . gone are kirk , spock and mccoy and in their wake in the very able and very talented cast from star trek : the next generation . as usual , a crisis is brewing and it is up to the crew of the enterprise to make the galaxy safe again . this time out the united federation of planets and an alien race led by f . murray abraham are trying to move some colonists off a planet against the colonist's will . it turns out that this planet is the fountain of youth and the federation and their alien buddies feel that is should be used for the good of everyone and not just a few hundred colonists . of course picard feels that this sort of treachery is wrong , so he disobeys direct orders and vows to help protect the colonists . insurrection is a lighter movie than the last two star trek films . the film focuses on the lofty question of whether the rights of society as a whole outweighs the rights of a small group . in this respect it gets back to the roots of star trek by disguising social commentary as science fiction . it doesn't do a bad job , other than it tries to inject too much humor into the story line . many of the jokes are your typical inside star trek-fan-only jokes , while many of the others just fall flat . the other criticism that i had with the story was that it ignores common sense . there are only a few hundred people on this whole planet , why do they have to be moved ? the explanation is that the planet has to be bombarded with deadly radiation so that this fountain of youth effect will be strong enough to help heal f . murray abraham's aliens who number only a couple of dozen . so the basic story line is bad enough in that we have a few hundred being booted out for a few billion , at least that's plausible . but in reality we have a few hundred being moved for the benefits of a few dozen , which makes no sense whatsoever . the other little hiccup in logic is the inclusion of worf ( michael dorn ) , the trusty klingon . worf was on star trek : the next generation , so they want to include him in the films . no problem so far . worf is now a character of star trek : deep space nine , so the writers have to find a way to have him show up . in the last star trek movie , first contact , the included worf in a credible fashion , in this one , the writers are so lazy that the completely gloss over why he is even in the movie . what little explanation they do give is so small that you would have missed it if you weren't hanging on every word on the screen . my minor problems with the movie aside , star trek : insurrection does have an overwhelming number of good points as compared to its bad ones . while many of the jokes do miss the mark , many are pretty good , even for non-trekkies . the special effects are among the best for the star trek series . the action is plentiful and well done . this is a very good-looking movie . it should come as no surprise to anyone who ever watched star trek : the next generation that the acting is first rate . it is very obvious that these actors have been working together for over a decade . they interact with each other with a skill that few other ensemble casts can muster . most star trek fans probably will not be disappointed with this latest film in the series . if you've always hated star trek , there is nothing here that is going to change your mind . star trek : insurrection is not the best film in the series , but it is good enough to dispel the long standing tradition of the odd numbered films in the series being far inferior to the even numbered ones . the promotion for fear and loathing in las vegas ? has made the film out to be a comedy , and for about the first hour or so it seems like it might be one . it's 1971 , and the hippie movement has left behind quite a few wash-outs , among them journalist raoul duke ( johnny depp ) and his " attorney " dr . gonzo ( benito del toro ) . these two spend most of the film in a drug-induced stupor , having strange hallucinations , trashing their hotel rooms , and either annoying or scaring almost everyone that crosses their path . duke is first assigned to cover an outdoor desert motorcycle race in las vegas , but gets lost in a blur of drugs , beer , and flying dust , and ends up wandering around with no clue who won . he leaves vegas briefly before he is sent back , in what can only be described as a strangely appropriate twist of fate , to cover a drug enforcement conference . fear and loathing has been misinterpreted by some as glorifying the use of drugs . it doesn't , even in the beginning--while the pair's antics are sometimes amusing and relatively harmless at first , the humor here is still fairly dark . director terry gilliam views them with a rather satirical eye , and even when we're laughing , we're laughing at them rather than with them . they spend most of their time paranoid , angry , or just plain befuddled , which is probably an understandable reaction to seeing the entire room suddenly fill up with giant reptiles . the black comedy may be entertaining to watch onscreen , but it's probably not something most other audience members would want to experience first-hand . all this aside , i was starting to grow a bit restless as the film drew near its one-hour mark , thinking to myself that i wanted something more out of this than just an off-kilter satire of drug culture . thankfully , the script delivers it before too long , as duke , in a rare moment of lucidity , stops to recall how he was once an enthusiastic hippie , " riding the wave " of something that seemed special and important . now it's six years later and the wave has finally broken , as he puts it . materialistic culture is still alive and well and , for most of this film , right in his face in las vegas ; the " american dream " of which duke occasionally speaks is still just as shallow and phony as ever . the social protesters have lost , and the more questionable aspects of the movement have turned ugly and left casualties such as duke to drift in a sea of drugs and disillusionment . in many ways , fear and loathing is gilliam's most reality-based film ; all of his others , with the exception of the fisher king , have made use of some sort of fantasy or science-fiction plot elements . yet it is his off-the-wall masterpiece brazil ? to which this film bears the most visual resemblance . the protagonist of brazil found himself alternately surrounded by a plastic , soulless society and the constant chaos of totalitarian police inspections and terrorist attacks , and similarly duke's world is composed of the artificial , empty glam of las vegas and the bizarre anarchy of his drug hallucinations . unlike the protagonist of brazil , however , duke is not a particularly admirable figure , and neither is gonzo . during the latter half of the film , their trips turn nastier and the consequences worse , eventually building up to an incident an a diner in which gonzo crudely frightens and humiliates a waitress , while duke , though he doesn't seem to approve , doesn't do anything to stop it either . by the time this scene takes place , they don't seem like hippies or peaceniks or protesters or anything of the sort any more ; they just seem like a couple of stoned jerks in a diner . duke seems to realize at some level that he's become something he doesn't like , but he's either too apathetic or too defeated to do anything to change . this film has taken a critical drubbing from many who view it as an essentially pointless film that simply throws one trip scene after another at the audience . while gilliam may have overdone it in a few places , i think he and his co-writers deserve more credit than that . there's plenty of substance here , particularly in the second half ; its observations about the broken and defeated rebels from the '60s and the objects of their rebellion just aren't usually very pleasant . unlike , say , brazil ? or the fisher king , both of which feature a character who dares to let himself dream in a repressive environment , fear and loathing in las vegas ? shows us someone who's given up on his dreams and resorts to the quick fix of drugs . in its own psychedelic , whacked-out way , it's sad and regretful , but i think it's also a bit of a kick in the pants , a challenge to find an alternative between chemically-induced withdrawal and the equally addictive drug of vegas-style materialism . indeed , duke himself admits at one point that he's never learned to accept that you can get higher without drugs than with them . i'm not sure if he's any closer to accepting it by the end or not , but i suspect the audience will get the idea . james cmaeron's breakthrough feature was the first of his films to showcase his obsession with technology and more specfically technology run amok . for those of you who do not know the plot : in 2029 machines have engineered a nuclear for the expressed purpose of wiping out the human race . human survivors are systematically hunted down and destroyed . however , some humans are fighting back led by the heroic john connor . to stop connor , the machines send a terminator ( arnold schwarzenegger ) back to 1984 to murder connor's mother , sara ( linda hamilton ) , and thus prevent connor from ever being born . in response , the humans send a protector , kyle reese , played by michael biehn . images of machines and of humans' reliance on machines dominate the film . even though the characters know that the benign oil drillers of 1984 will become the ruthless hunter killers of 2029 , humans continue to use the machines . in the climax of star wars , luke relies on the force alone--his own spiritual power--to destroy the death star . in the terminator , however , sara must use another machine--a giant hydraulic press--to vanquish her enemy . cameron seems to be implying that this reliance on technology is inescapable--and he's not happy about it . unabated technological growth brings about the terminator's other obsession : the apocalypse . we have plenty of imagery regarding armageddon : thousands of human skulls line the streets of future la . children watch the flames in a burning television . when the terminator arrives in 1984 an almost biblical lightning storm precedes him . even though the " future is not set , " there is no doubt about where the world is headed at the end of the movie : the machines will rise and the humans will have to struggle for their very existence . all sara can do is await it . ( cameron doesn't wimp out like he does in terminator 2 ) the end of the world is the human race's own fault , too . after all it is the humans that created in the evil machines in the first place . back in 1984 , when the cold war was still in full effect , the film must have been seen as a very apt metaphor for nuclear war ( another obsession of cameron's ) . these days , one can read a criticism of machine-like behavior in humans . true , humanizing touches are put into paul winfield's and lance henriksen's detective characters , but the terminator is also able to move through the city undetected . cameron also draw parallels between the mechanical efficiency between the terminator and reese when they first arrive in 1984 la . from a technical standpoint the terminator is very well done . arnold schwarzenegger is a perfect antagonist--unstoppable , merciless , obdurate . we are not meant to empathize with this ultimate killing machine as we are in some of schwarzenegger's later works ( eg , commando ) , but fear him . cameron and hurd's script basically depicts a one hour and forty-five minute chase , taking a few moments here and there to explain time travel and develop the romantic subplot . while we do see the hackneyed dialogue cameron is now so well known for , there is also considerable suspense especially for the first time viewer who may be unsure of kyle reese's intentions . cameron directs the film at a rapid , kinetic pace . either the camera is moving or something within the frame is moving--usually both occurs . the violence is not particularly graphic ( temple of doom's heart-pull scene outgrosses the terminator's ) , but it is brutally staged making it that much more effective . for a low budget film , the terminator's special effects and art direction ( especially in 2029 la ) are remarkably well done . special mention should be made of the stop motion effects work at the end of the film depicting the terminator endoskeleton . it is some of the best stop motion i have ever seen . one thing that doesn't hold up after all the years , however , is linda hamilton's hairdo . it might surprise some to know that joel and ethan coen , who have brought such unabated lunacy to our movie screens as " raising arizona " and " the hudsucker proxy , " made their feature film debut with " blood simple , " a grim and often gruesome tale of revenge , murder , and literally fatal misconceptions in rural texas . it bears some resemblance , story-wise , to the coens' recent " fargo , " but even the darkly satirical humor and the enjoyably quirky characterizations that characterized that film are scarce here ; " blood simple " is pretty much cold and brutal from beginning to end . the premise of " blood simple " is really just a slight variation on the standard love-triangle/revenge scheme : sleazy bar owner julian marty ( dan hedaya ) hires a shifty private detective ( m . emmet walsh ) to kill his wife abby ( frances mcdormand ) and her illicit lover ray ( john getz ) . things start to go haywire when walsh decides instead to fake the murder with photographic trickery but , upon collecting the money , becomes uncertain as to whether or not marty is capable of keeping his mouth shut about the scheme . to reveal any more details of the story would be to give away too much , but what ensues is a series of bloody ( and i do mean bloody ) confrontations , each triggered by one or more characters misunderstanding what is actually happening . every act of violence or deception in this film makes sense when seen through the perpetrator's eyes , but we , the audience , are made privy to the " big picture " and thus can recognize that each misdeed is somehow either unnecessary or directed at the wrong person . this aspect of the story , along with the intense atmosphere of repulsion and brutality - one gets the sense that if guns and , in one case , shovels , were not available , some of these characters would claw each other to death - are the most effective components of the film . the coens might have done well to title the film " fear and loathing in texas . " some have labeled " blood simple as a modern-day noir , but , while i am not an expert on either genre , it seems more like a horror movie than anything else . the coens seem much more interested in the plot twists and the atmosphere of confusion and paranoia than they do in the characters , and the final sequence is nothing more than a showdown between the one ( relatively ) innocent character and the only one of the murderers left alive . that said , " blood simple " is a very good horror movie ; the fear and suspense here are genuine . the coens also add plenty of quirky touches that nudge the weirdness meter upwards , such as when a character enters an empty room and accidentally steps on a gun , discharging it as it skitters across the floor , or when a murder attempt unfolds in a way such that abby mistakes her attacker for another character who has in fact been killed earlier in the film . that said , " blood simple " is not exactly flawless . for one thing , the motivations for the killings are still a little thin at times ; i can understand that the characters had tracks to cover ( or at least thought they did ) , but i found it a little hard to accept that all of them would so quickly resort to murder . and although they at least didn ? t have anyone get hacked to death with a knife , the coens also aren't quite immune to horror cliches ; they indulge in a prolonged dead-guy-seems-to-have-come-back-to-life-but-then-we-find-out-it's-only-a-dream scene that had me rolling my eyes . the film also ends so quickly after the final confrontation that i found myself wondering if they had simply run out of film . " blood simple " is not quite the masterpiece of neo-noir that many seem to think it is , but it's a decent movie and it showcases the coens' ability to handle suspense and violence in a visceral but non-exploitative manner . i would firmly recommend it to all " coen-heads " as well as anyone looking for something original in a thriller . kirk douglas is one of those rare american actors who can say more with a simple glance than most can say with pages of dialogue . all he has to do is look at someone with a raised eyebrow , and you instantly know what he's thinking . " detective story " features one of kirk douglas's finest performances . he stars as a new york detective that has his whole world fall apart in one night . the film is based on a play , and this is quite evident , as most of the movie takes place in the one-room flat that the detective's work in . the film opens with the douglas character getting ready to go home to his wife , but through a series of events , he never quite makes it there . the bulk of the movie follows the case of a man named schneider , a surgeon who routinely performs abortions with a high fatality rate . however , this schneider character has a connection in the past of douglas's wife ; a connection douglas himself is not aware of . many secrets are revealed in the last half hour of this film . secrets i would not dream of giving away . with a name like " detective story " , one would assume the film would resemble an episode of " nypd blue " , but it doesn't quite work out that way . however , we do see douglas at work on a few other cases throughout the running time . lee grant ( virtually unrecognizable ) plays a meek jewish woman arrested for shoplifting . her scenes with bendix , another detective , provide the movie with a few laughs . the performances all around are fantastic . douglas may be the leader of this ensemble , but he's not the center of attention all the time . we get to catch a glimpse into other cases and other detectives working on those cases . which brings me back to douglas . he has a really emotional scene towards the end of the picture that really makes you feel for him . we can see that this is a man who has spent his whole life trying to eliminate crime , but has finally realized that what he's really done is gotten back at his criminal father . how he handles coming to terms with this is something really worth seeing . kirk douglas is the kind of actor we don't seem to see to much of these days : he's a tough guy , but the human elements are never hidden too deeply underneath that gruff exterior . " a man is not a man without eight taels of gold . " starring sammo hung , sylvia chang ; directed by mabel cheung ; written by cheung and alex law ; cinematography by bill wong eight taels of gold begins as a fish out of water story and at some point becomes a love story involving two people whose past choices prevent the fruition of their love . neither aspect of the movie is entirely successful , but both are good enough . and along the way there is one perfect scene , which is one more than you find in most films . slim ( played by portly sammo hung , better known as a star and director of hong kong action movies ) is a chinese immigrant who drives a yellow cab in new york . when the movie opens , we see him shouting obscenities at another taxi driver . he does not seem particularly out of place . in fact , he is about to return to visit his home in rural china for the first time in sixteen years , spending most of his life savings in the process , and it is there that he will become the proverbial fish out of water , as he realizes that you can never go home . he brings with him some statue of liberty cigarette lighters , cheap sunglasses , and lobsters ( which have to be large , to prove they're american ) --the tokens of his success . he also wears a gold chain and a gold watch , because without eight taels of gold , a man is not a man ( my dictionary tells me that taels are a unit of weight used in the far east , and i assume the phrase is a chinese proverb ) . he loses most of this stuff--except the gold--when his van crashes into a river and he has to hitch a ride , so to speak , on a raft along the river which runs past his parents' village . when he arrives unannounced , he almost induces cardiac arrest in his father . all of this has the makings of a routine comedy , and the movie has its amusing moments , as when the villagers take turns giving slim gifts during a celebration of his homecoming , and they all give him birds , so by evening's end he is surrounded by turkeys , ducks , geese and other sundry fowl . but eight taels is not a comedy--it is a sad , sweet story about the choices people make , and how they are sometimes irreparable . director mabel cheung ( an autumn's tale , the soong sisters ) sees clearly what it is like to have lived half of your life in one country and half in a country on the other side of the world--what it is like to no longer have a place to call home . slim does not belong in china , nor does he belong in america , where he can barely speak the language . seeing water buffalo in the fields and rafts poled down the river and fireworks exploding gloriously in the sky over a small village , we come to know the world slim left behind , and it seems as if he too is knowing it for the first time , and wishes it felt more like home . the condition of the expatriate is eloquently portrayed ; i , being one , was sympathetic . on his way to his parent's village , slim hooks up with jenny ( sylvia chang ) , whom he knew when she was a girl nicknamed odds-and-ends , which is what he continues to call her , although she is now a mature , professional , attractive woman , to be married in the spring to an american-chinese man . slim and odds-and-ends fall for each other . that's predictable . the manner in which their ( non- ) romance is played out is not . the emotions involved are adult and complex , and the film avoids cheap solutions to their dilemma . it's typical , for instance , that the fianc ? in this sort of plot be a colossal jerk , because it makes it easier to empathize with the unrequited lover . but here the fianc ? is a decent , ordinary guy , and although slim would like to feel anger , he cannot . the fianc ? has done nothing wrong ; the situation is the result of bad luck or bad decisions , take your pick . eight taels has its share of flaws ( the early sequences in america and on the plane to china are especially weak ) , but it compensates with insight . when odds-and-ends tells slim that her future husband wants to move to san francisco , she notes resignedly , " it's all the same . wherever we go , we'll be in chinatown , " and her straightforward statement expresses much . there is insight , too , in the understanding of the consequences of slim and odds-and-ends' decisions : he to move to america , she to marry a chinese-american . both their choices were perhaps born of impatience , perhaps of a sense that the grass is always greener--and it turns out that both choices were wrong . but they cannot undo them ; they must live with what they have done . such is life . the movie is tender toward these people , but it offers no false comforts . everything that is right and true about eight taels comes together in one great scene , which is the culmination of the love story . slim and odds-and-ends sit in a secluded spot and talk hesitantly , with the muted pop-pop of fireworks exploding in the night behind them , and it seems the conversation will lead to a kiss . the exchange that follows , and what slim then does , is poignant and perfect : with clarity and understatement , we see two people's lives , their heartbreaks and virtues , summed up in a single moment . yes , the film is flawed , but moments like that justify most of its inadequacies . the summer movie season is always the biggest and brightest season for movies throughout the year . we are introduced to blockbuster hits that are usually trashed by critics , loved by the people , and make tons of money at the box office . this year , the tradition continues with an update on the universal 1932 classic , the mummy . i have always been a sucker for this kind of monster movies , and i always seem to be the only critic who really likes them . that tradition continues as well with this fun special effects extravaganza . in the mummy , the up and coming brendan fraser stars as the adventurous explorer rick o'connell . he teams up with a curious , clumsy librarian named evelyn , played by rachel weisz , to find the mysterious city of the dead , hamunaptra . evelyn loves egypt , and would truly like to visit the city that people call a fable . rick has claimed he has been to hamunaptra during a battle , and that's why she chose him to lead her there . also tagging along on the journey to the city of the dead is evelyn's brother , jonathan , played by john hannah ( sliding doors ) . now in hamunaptra , the three uncover " the book of the dead . " the curious evelyn unlocks the book , reads from it , and now the body of the ancient egyptian imhotep ( arnold vosloo ) becomes alive and is out to kill the ones who opened and read from the book . along with imhotep arising from the dead , the ten curses of egypt become in full effect , launching unbelievable forces against the three and another group who set out to find hamunaptra . not only is imhotep furious with those who awoke him , he is also out to restore the life of his girlfriend that lost her life long ago in ancient egypt . don't expect huge things out of the mummy , but just expect to have a good time . this movie is extremely campy and plays out like an old horror film with beefed up special effects , which may turn off some viewers . on the other hand , this type of film is one of my favorites , but that's up to you to decide . there is one thing that definitely not campy or corny about the mummy though . the state of the art special effects take you into a completely different world . we are dazzled by faces rising out of the desert , swarms of beetles and locusts , and even creatures crawling under a human's skin . these may have been in other movies before , but not like in the mummy . as of now , the mummy holds the title for best special effects of this year , but all this could change when star wars episode 1 : the phantom menace is released into theaters across the country . in the past , brendan fraser has played mainly comedic roles . when playing " george " in disney's george of the jungle , he was mainly not known by anyone . i would say that gods and monsters is the film that gave him a name , and now the mummy will give him a name amongst teens . in the mummy , fraser gets to play an action hero , and i liked him in this sort of role over the comedic role , as in the films blast from the past and george of the jungle . although brendan fraser is great , rachel weisz gives the best performance among the cast . weisz really reminded me of a character from an old , horror film . the way she acts , looked , and talked all reminded me of someone not from this time . evelyn is probably the only character that was likable , considering that the other characters , like john hannah's , didn't get much personal attention . in many films , when different genres are mixed , the mixing usually works , and i like it for the most part . in the mummy though , not all of the mixing works . there are some scenes that have a lot of potential horror , some with potential comedy , some with potential drama , and some with potential pure action , but the film tries to mix them together too often for the mixing to work . the mummy could have gotten an " a " rating from me if it had gone purely with one of these . i didn't mind the corny one-liners here and there during action sequences , but it certainly could have done without them . the cinematography is amazing in the mummy . particularly in one scene depicting ancient egypt , we are taken into a very fun portrayal of egypt , mummies , and the treasures left behind by the ancient egyptians . the costume design in the film is also up there with the great cinematography . from ancient egyptians outfits to original troops outfits , the costumes are always top notch . the bottom line- with the mummy , the summer is off to its usually great start . jacques tati's 1953 classic " les vacances de m . hulot " ( also known as " mr . hulot's vacation , " in english ) ought to be the textbook on how to do non ? dialogue comedy in film . the characters hardly ever speak to each other directly , and the film operates on the paper ? thin premise that monsieur hulot , played by tati himself , is awkward and clumsy and generally manages to annoy the other guests at the beach resort hotel where he is taking a week's vacation . yet the film had me beside myself laughing more consistently than any in recent memory . part of the reason the film works so well is the clever setup for the various gags . slapstick has often been regarded as an unsophisticated and even crude form of comedy , but i think part of the reason for this is that it often seems forced : you can only see movie characters start running after something and then crash face-first into a pole so many times before you start to wonder what all these poles are doing there in the first place or why these people don't watch where they're going . in " les vacances de m . hulot , " the gags build upon each other and often start out relatively low-key . in one sequence , for example , hulot is painting the side of his small row boat on the beach when , while his back is turned , the paint can gets caught up in the oncoming waves , washes away , then comes back up on the other side of the boat . while crossing over to get the can , hulot steps in the boat and unknowingly cracks it . when he actually takes the boat out into the water , it breaks in half , but the two halves flip up against each other , trapping him inside as the bystanders mistake it for a shark fin and panic on the beach ensues . tati doesn't waste a single opportunity for humor ; scenes that might have yielded one joke in most comedies are good for at least four or five in this film . it has been said that comedy relies on frustrating the audience's expectations , and " les vacances de m . hulot " succeeds brilliantly in that area as well . tati accomplishes this largely through a sort of deadpan understatement . when hulot goes into a separate room during dinner and starts playing a record at defeaningly loud volume , no fights or shouting matches ensue ; instead , the waiter calmly walks in and shuts off the power in the room , disconnecting the record player and leaving a puzzled hulot sitting in the dark . tati also uses running gags to this effect , allowing them to keep running far longer than most comedy directors would ; more often than not , we can see them coming and think , " oh , he's not going to do that again , " but , lo and behold , he does . for example , there is a recurring joke in which hulot's noisy , sputtering car engine wakes everyone in the middle of the night as an exterior shot reveals the hotel's lights coming on one by one . then this image turns up again in the finale , which i will not give away other than to say that involves a lot more noise in the middle of the night than a car engine could ever produce . the ending is one of two elements that really make this a four-star film as opposed to merely an above-average , clever comedy . as much as i was laughing during this film , i was thinking to myself occasionally that tati had to top himself at the end to really make this work as a complete viewing experience ; suffice it to say that he did . the other important aspect is that the film never seems disdainful of its characters . it easily could have turned the tables on hulot and had the other guests exact some kind of revenge on him ; alternatively , it could have portrayed the others as humorless curmudgeons . instead , tati seems to regard his characters with cheerful amusement more than anything else and invites the audience to like them , however strange or irritating they might seem . " les vacances de m . hulot " is not subtitled , but the dialogue is sparse and for the most part not terribly essential to the flow of events . anyone with a taste for this kind of absurd humor ought to make this film their next rental from the video store . note : " les vacances de m . hulot " was not rated by the mpaa . it would at most receive a pg rating . i had lost all faith in pg-13 movies that are intended for teenagers and adults . the last dozen or so that i have seen have all felt incomplete , as if the most crucial scene was deleted in order to obtain a more lucrative rating . however , after seeing the creative frequency last week and now the exciting u-571 , my bias is beginning to go away . both films are as innocuous for younger viewers as they are intellectual for older viewers . even better , i didn't think either one of these films would be any good from first instincts . everyone loves surprises . u-571 looked like another action film using an actual war as an excuse to shoot torpedoes and bullets . this may be true , but the action is so extraordinary that it is clear director/co-writer jonathan mostow completed his ultimate goal ; to blow the audience's socks off . set during the early stages of world war 2 when the united states struggled to break the codes of the technologically advanced german u-boats , u-571 follows a small crew of american men who swipe the typewriter necessary to solve the enigma from an enemy ship . there's only one problem : the american ship they came from and hoped to return to has been shot down stranding the men on a german submarine known as ( you guessed it ) u-571 . it is now up to the mostly young and inexperienced sailors , led by an interim captain named tyler ( matthew mcconaughey ) , to return the typewriter to america without getting sunk by far superior german ships . the film starts off very slowly with a somewhat weak opening action sequence and another uneventful half an hour to introduce several of the sailors ( most of whom die when the mission goes awry or just inexplicably disappear ) . once the crew gets on the u-boat , the movie shifts to another level and never leaves this high energy level until the ending credits roll down . as soon as the action starts , it does not stop and luckily , because it is so exciting , i didn't want it to stop . this is not a movie for those wanting to avoid loud noises , from the wonderful , heart-pounding score to the constant yelling of panicking men , make sure you see this at a theater with surround-sound ? otherwise , do not see it all . the best parts of u-571 are when tyler is forced to make impromptu decisions on how to escape seemingly impossible situations . throughout the movie , several morals or characters are introduced to make tyler's job as stressful as possible . germans gun down their own men , tyler's mentor captain dahlgren warns him that a captain has to be prepared to sacrifice even the most beloved soldiers for a victory , another sailor ( erik palladino ) threatens mutiny . all of these examples , and several others , increase the chaotic atmosphere and the importance of tyler's every move . they also make u-571 one of the most exhilarating movies i have seen in a while . the 1990s produced two brilliant science fiction films . one was _gattaca_ . the other was _the thirteenth floor_ . just as _gattaca_ was overshadowed by the mighty _titanic_ , _the thirteenth floor_ was relegated to obscurity by _the matrix_ . however , _the thirteeth floor_ , though it deals with similar themes , is a much better movie than the frenetic , childish and improbable _matrix_ . a cutting edge computer scientist , hannon fuller ( played by the charming armin mueller-stahl ) , is murdered . his associate , douglas hall , ( craig bierko ) apparently framed and suspected by the police , enters into the simulated world they have created in order to unravel the mystery . along the way a beautiful blonde ( gretchen mol ) , more bodies , and a deepening mystery about simulated worlds complicate the picture . _the thirteenth floor_ unfolds slowly and telegraphs its punches , choosing to elicit the more complex emotional response of empathy and anticipation rather than the cheap one of mere surprise . the result is a movie that is a failure from two conventional points of view . first , its plot revelations can be foreseen if one has carefully followed its complex storyline . second and more seriously , it demands that its audience think and feel . no wonder it fell through the cracks . done in film noir style as a murder mystery , this is a relatively deep movie that functions on several levels . many audiences will simply be bewildered by it , rather than engaged , which is a shame , because this movie amply repays a little emotional and intellectual investment . i recommend a second viewing simply to get the flavor of the frequent ironic foreshadowing in the opening parts of the movie . despite its philosophical challenges , _the thirteenth floor_ derives its emotional force from the love story between jane fuller ( mol ) and douglas hall ( bierko ) , as well as the close friendship between douglas hall and hannon fuller . in that sense it is more akin to _gattaca_ than _the matrix_ , which , for all of its cute philosophical byplay , is an adolescent movie with no emotional depth whatsoever . the moment when jane fuller confesses her love for douglas hall is at once satisfying , wrenching and intellectually challenging . in its final moments the film even takes on itself , when david , jane's husband , who has come to enjoy killing , accuses her of being the sick one . although there is a victory for the leading characters , this resolution suggests a disturbing element of fantasy in jane , and thus a deep-seated character flaw . in fact , hannon fuller's activities in the simulated world , the behavior of jane's husband , and the effects of entering the simulation on douglas hall all hint at similar issues with those characters . this is not a film of good people beset from without by great evil . the tragedy is not in their stars , but in themselves . the major actors , all of whom are required to play two or even three roles , perform extremely well . bierko , who will be familiar as the psycho from _the long kiss goodnight_ , is outstanding . d'onofrio as whitney , who plays a pivotal role in support , also turns in a good performance . the lovely gretchen mol , whose elegance , integrity , and determination suggest bergman in _casablanca_ , does a wonderful job . her voice , however , lacks the necessary weight at times . this could be because she was given the worst lines in a movie whose major weakness is the script . some minor flaws , hairline cracks in fine porcelain , appear in places . there are one or two instances of jerky editing . the script takes the edge off the film's climaxes . the atmosphere becomes too claustrophobic at times ( yet , there is a clue there too ) . one wonders if even after two decades , _blade runner_ is still casting its long shadow over sci-fi films . one can see a group of suits in their suite , waving their hands imperiously at directors like the emperor in _amadeus_ : " make it more like_blade runner_ , you know , dark and rainy . " _the thirteen floor_ is that rare exception among hollywood movies : a , rich , emotionally satisfying , intelligent sci-fi movie . and yet , ultimately , it proves the suits right . for when good sci-fi is made , where is the sf community turning out in droves to see it ? if we don't support great sf , who will ? finding the courage to face life full-on is a difficult task . summoning up the audacity to fall in love is a harder job . if you're a total jerk like melvin udall is , the odds are even more against you . melvin ( jack nicholson ) is a successful romance author who is just the opposite of what you would expect someone in that profession to be . a solitary man hidden away in his new york apartment with no human interaction and not even a hint of ever having been in a passionate relationship , he avoids the outside world as much as possible . his obsessive-compulsive disorder rules his life as he uses several different bars of soap to wash his hands and refuses to step on a crack on the sidewalk . ( there's a great scene when he has to cross a floor made of mosaic tiles -- _very_small_ mosaic tiles . ) melvin has some great lines . when his publisher's receptionist asks him how he writes women so well in his books , he responds " i think of men and i take away reason and accountability . " don't get him wrong , he's not merely a misogynist . setting his sights higher than that , he's also a homophobe , racist , anti-semite , xenophobe , animal-hater and intensely dislikes people who talk in metaphors . when we first meet him , he's busy dumping a neighbor's dog down the garbage chute . he's an equal opportunity bigot . he does venture outside his apartment every day to eat breakfast at a local cafe . melvin is such a grouchy curmudgeon that waitress carol connelly ( helen hunt ) is the only one willing to wait on him . and she's none too happy about it . when carol doesn't show up for work , melvin's routine is shot and he's determined to do something about it . tracking down her address , he shows up at her place begging her to come back to work so that he can eat breakfast . the fact that she's a poor single mother caring for a chronically ill son doesn't appear to phase him , he wants his food . much more upsetting is that his gay artist neighbor simon bishop ( greg kinnear ) is brutally attacked during a robbery . this doesn't upset melvin much ( " don't worry , you'll be back on your knees in no time " ) but when he is bullied into taking care of simon's dog , his life is turned topsy-turvey . melvin is sequestered because he's afraid of what's out there on the other side of his apartment door . he has to make sure it's ritualistically locked three times to keep the world on its proper side . when he brings the dog home he reluctantly grows fond of it , talking to it and taking it everywhere he goes . this little crack in his emotional armor opens him up . hiding behind his need for carol to return to work so she can serve him , he pays for a specialist to treat her son . he even develops a friendship with simon . all three people are heavily damaged . melvin has retreated from life in his apartment . carol has devoted herself to her son , convinced that she has to give up her life for him . simon is estranged from his parents and his friends disappear when he is hospitalized and his money runs out . a more unlikely trio to form relationships , you'd rarely see . and in the midst of it all , there are some wonderful moments . melvin is hilarious in his grouchiness and touching as he attempts to be nice . " you make me want to be a better man , " he tells her . one of the best aspects is that even as he opens up , he is still a curmudgeon . carol , afraid that his monetary contribution to the wellness of her son hides a hidden agenda rushes over to his apartment in the rain to explain in no uncertain terms that she will never sleep with him . it only takes her a second to realize that she is delivering that statement while looking as if she just left a wet t-shirt contest . there's hardly anything left to say about jack nicholson . i don't remember ever seeing him in anything less than a stellar performance and his over-the-edge melvin is no disappointment . nicholson may be the best actor working today . hunt does a commendable job matching nicholson's energy . she isn't afraid to be seen as something less than a babe and her portrayal of exhausted run-down carol struggling with seemingly overwhelming obligations is top-notch . their on-screen chemistry is a bit odd . each does a wonderful job with the character , but together , there's something a little off . it's a minor problem : they do work well together , but that missing element is what prevents this from being a four-star film . director james l . brooks ( " terms of endearment " , " broadcast news " ) has a movie that is picking up awards by the bucketsful ( nominees for all the top golden globes , winners from the national board of review , inevitable oscars ) and has a winner on his hands . " as good as it gets " isn't exactly the quality that the title says , but it's pretty darn close . ( michael redman has written this column for over 22 years and as soon as he finishes this one , he's off to an annual 12 night celebration typically held in freezing weather during a snowstorm . this year it's in the sixties and raining . that wacky el nino . ) bruce willis stars as malcolm , an award winning child psychologist who discovers one night that one of his former patients is still suffering from inner demons . the now grown man breaks into his apartment while he and his wife ( olivia williams from rushmore ) are celebrating his award , shoots malcolm in the stomach , then takes his own life . almost nine months later , malcolm discovers cole ( haley joel osment , in a brilliant performance ) , another young man afflicted with the same turmoil as his former patient . he takes on the child's case in the hope of redeeming himself for botching up the previous one , alienating his wife in the process . he soon discovers that they boy can see and speak to the dead , and his life becomes forever turned upside down . although the first hour is very slow , the sixth sense turns out to be a very powerful and moving film . i was expecting this film to be mercury rising 2 , but was astonished to discover an extremely well plotted out little thriller with an outstandingly satisfying ending . you'll find yourself mentally retracing your steps through the film to see if you actually saw what you think you did once the credits roll . i must give m . night shyamalan a lot of credit for a brilliantly written screenplay . the cast should also be given a lot of credit for making the movie as solid as it is . a lesser cast could have made this film a joke . bruce willis portrays his character perfectly , balancing his need to help cole and his agony over his strained relationship with his wife skillfully . haley joel osment shines as nine year old cole , showing patience in his character that few young actors these days can pull off . toni collette , looking markedly different from her pathetic character in muriel's wedding , gives a strong performance as cole's mother , who is trying to cope with both her son's " illness " and the passing of her mother . finally , olivia williams deftly portrays a woman having to struggle with a husband who's not around and flirtations with a co-worker that could lead to a begrudgingly accepted end . it's a shame that they show cole's abilities in the trailer , because the movie takes close to forty minutes to get around to doing the same , so we already know what's going on before most of the rest of the cast does . in retrospect though , the forty minute set-up is essential to enjoying the end of the film , so i have fewer complaints now then i did while i was watching the film . i'm glad that the run of teen-styled horror films has passed and filmmakers are starting to make more adult fare . films like this , the similarly themed stir of echoes , and countless others to be released later in the year should make for a pretty entertaining close to 1999 . [pg-13] i suppose an argument could be made that toy story is one of those films that didn't need a sequel . beloved by kids and their parents , respected equally by mainstream america and geekish movie buffs , that first movie remains a landmark of recent history , the one that burst open the possibilities of computer animation and demonstrated through wild invention and giddy chutzpah just how complacent the disney animation machine had become in cranking out fluffy razzle-dazzle entertainment full of formula storytelling and banal songwriting . if disney was embarrassed at being beaten at its own game ( toy story was a smash hit of unexpected proportions , and one that caught the merchandising end of the business unaware as demand for action figures far outstripped supply ) , it didn't show , and as distributor and part-owner of the property , at least it had a piece of the action . toy story 2 was greenlighted as a direct-to-video project , disney's standard tactic for milking a few more bucks out of hot franchises without expending the effort of developing a proper feature film . as someone who doesn't believe sequels are necessarily a bad thing ( granted , they usually are a bad thing , but that's because they're made for the wrong reasons ) , i had to wonder what in the world they were thinking . fortunately , disney claimed to have been so knocked-out by early animation tests that they let pixar go full-speed ahead with a theatrical sequel . lucky thing , too -- like the first movie , this one is a joy to behold on the big screen , and technically , it improves on its predecessor on just about every level . ( from a business standpoint , the end credits show that the new creations are copyrighted by pixar , while the previous film's elements are shared between pixar and disney , a sign of the production house's new cachet in hollywood . ) visually , the main shortcoming of this fully computer-generated movie is that human figures are still rendered relatively poorly , making them look a little creepy . fortunately , that eerie unreality fits in perfectly with the perspective of the movie , where the secret world of toys is more immediate , and arguably more attractive , than the world of the humans who surround them . as before , the story is predicated on the premise that the toys scattered around the bedroom of a little boy named andy -- and , indeed , all the toys scattered around the bedrooms of all little children -- come to life in the child's absence . while the toys scamper about and chatter endlessly among themselves , the real joy of a toy's life is to mean something to its owner . one of the subjects of this new film is the sadness of toys that have been broken or abandoned , left on a shelf to gather dust , and another is the sort of emotional limbo inhabited by toys that are mere prizes of covetous collectors . most often , those toys are packed away in dark spaces , safe from sunlight and humidity , and often they're not even removed from their packaging . imagine what a chip that would put on your shoulder , and you'll understand the attitudes of the collector's items that show up in this movie . sheriff woody ( voiced by a note-perfect tom hanks ) , the longtime favorite among andy's toys who was challenged in the previous go-round by the arrival of flashy-new-thing action figure buzz lightyear ( tim allen ) , suffers an injury early in the film , when andy tugs too hard on his arm and pulls a seam apart , revealing the stuffing inside . this accident catalyzes some uneasieness among the toys , who know too well that a broken toy is often a forgotten toy , and a forgotten toy is one that loses its reason for existence . those anxieties are crystallized when andy's mom tears through his living room , collecting old toys for a yard sale . and there's an ironic twist to the tale , as woody winds up being stolen by an avid toy collector who needs exactly that quaint cowboy figure to complete a set that he hopes to sell to a japanese toy museum for a sizable sum . the rest of andy's toys , who owe him quite a debt , resolve to rescue him . that this film manages to turn a box marked " 25 cents " into a symbol of doom , or to make its screed against the retention of collectible toys by wrongheaded profiteers fuel for a metaphysical dilemma , is a testament to its skill at metaphor , seamlessly translating the hopes and fears of our real world into that of the toys . operating on this level of abstraction , toy story 2 tackles some mighty heavy issues without once preaching or veering into pretentiousness . ( the worst i can say is that randy newman seems to have reserved his sappiest lyric in years for sarah mclachlan , who stops the movie cold by singing it at just about the halfway mark . ) sometimes i think toy story 2 tries too hard . there's somewhat less of the seat-of-the-pants loopiness that energized the first film , allowing it to surprise and excite on a near-constant basis , and more philosophizing about toys , collectors , the nature of happiness and the meaning of life . while that leads to fewer bellylaughs , it does make way for more elaborate humor and an uncommonly ambitious reflexivity that asks the toys to consider their own status as commodities that move in and out of fashion . ( just don't ask why andy's favorite toy is based on a tv series that was canceled in 1957 . ) where else in mainstream movies do you get such an awesome moment as the one where buzz arrives at al's toy barn to find it stocked to the gills with his doppelgangers , buzz lightyear action figures ? forget the self-congratulatory science fiction of the matrix -- this is a fundamental mind-bender for buzz , and the audience shares his humility and wonderment at the sight . here , as in the roughly concurrent scene where woody watches tapes of the howdy doodyish children's tv show that originated his character , we see our protagonists come face-to-face with god . in sly ways , then , toy story 2 can be read as a film about mortality , a metaphorical consideration of aging and death . significantly , the film's very first sequence concludes with a grim shocker that had our opening-night crowd in a near-uproar . and toward the end , when buzz and woody speculate on how long they have before andy grows up and discards his old toys , one of them observes , with an alacrity both inspirational and heartbreaking , that it will be fun while it lasts . so toy story 2 joins the tradition of children's stories , largely neglected of late , that say something real about the inevitable joys and tragedies of existence . what's really striking is that both toy story films ( and , to a lesser degree , pixar's a bug's life ) are kids' movies with wit and sophistication to shame most of their ostensibly adult counterparts , not to mention whatever piece of tot-friendly eye-candy is due from the disney dream factory any given summer . it puts one in mind of the glory days of chuck jones and the old gang at warner bros . animation . i'm not sure lasseter and his pals at pixar will ever operate at quite that level of purely visual invention -- they love traditional narrative too much -- but , boy , it makes me wonder what they might come up with next . -------------------------------------------------------------- directed by john lasseter , colin brady , ash brannon , and lee unkrich written by lasseter , brannon , peter docter , andrew stanton , rita hsaio , doug chamberlain , and chris webb cinematography by sharon calahan starring ( voices ) tom hanks , tim allen , and joan cusack usa , 1999 theatrical aspect ratio : 1 . 85 : 1 -------------------------------------------------------------- tone alone cannot sustain a film , but it can go a long way . if i can find myself lost in the time and place of a story , it scores immediate style points . when that tone is backed up by an outstanding story and great acting , the effect can be described best by an adjective i do not use lightly : " literary . " what's eating gilbert grape ? is such a film . it's a rich , memorable and stunningly acted story of desire colliding with responsibility , staged in a manner which many viewers might find too prosaic , but which insinuated itself into my imagination with its confidence . gilbert grape ( johnny depp ) is a young man living in rural endora , iowa , facing incredible responsibilities . as the man of the house since his father's suicide , gilbert must support the family by working at the local grocery store . he also must watch over his mentally handicapped brother arnie ( leonardo dicaprio ) and help care for his extremely overweight mother ( darlene cates ) . gilbert seems destined to spend the rest of his life in the small town until the arrival in endora of becky ( juliette lewis ) , a free spirit passing through with her grandmother when their truck breaks down . as he spends time with becky , gilbert begins to think about all the things he is missing . slowly his resentment builds , until he realizes that he can no longer live his entire life for other people . director lasse hallstrom ( my life as a dog ) and legendary cinematographer sven nykvist create a magnificent visual backdrop for peter hedges' screenplay , based on his own novel . endora is a town on the edge of the world represented by the giant foodmart , a tiny insular community where everyone knows everyone else . the midwestern sunsets and sprawling fields are beautifully photographed , and the atmosphere of the town is intensely real . minor characters , like crispin glover as the town's mortician , are vividly realized , and there are echoes of the last picture show in mary steenburgen's desperately unhappy housewife . one of the most perfectly realized scenes focuses on the grand opening of a burger franchise , attended by the entire town and accompanied by the off-key high school band . not a single note in the depiction of endora rang false . the same can be said of the character of gilbert . it's testimony to the precision involved in his creation that he came together completely with one perfectly placed line , when becky responds to gilbert's description of his father with , " i knew someone like that once . " gilbert is a man harboring an ever-growing bitterness about where he finds himself in life , a bitterness which reveals itself in moments of surprising cruelty . in one scene , he allows local children to look at his mother through their window , displaying her like a side show attraction . his entire life seems to be mocked by arnie's repeated chants of , " we're not going anywhere , " but instead of expressing his dissatisfaction he lets his anger simmer , and it becomes clear that he is following in his father's footsteps in this regard . johnny depp expertly demonstrates the tension central to gilbert by playing everything below the surface , but he never gives in to one-dimensional blankness or simply regurgitates his naif roles in benny & joon and edward scissorhands . depp's performance is overshadowed , however , by leonardo dicaprio's astonishing oscar-nominated supporting work as arnie . he puts to shame such big name actors as john malkovich and dustin hoffman , whose mentally challenged characters never seemed completely real . dicaprio is perfect to the last twitch and squeal , and anyone who has ever spent time with mentally challenged kids will be hard-pressed to spot a flaw . darlene cates , a first-time actor , brings real pain to her scenes as gilbert's tortured mother , and laura harrington and mary kate schellhardt are solid as gilbert's sisters . only juliette lewis doesn't quite click , playing a critical role with her now familiar dopey drone and too little genuine spark . gilbert grape does seem to drift into its conclusion , but it never lost me . thanks to a lovingly created setting and a marvelous cast , this 1993 release proves well worth the wait . hollywood has a . 750 batting average with elmore leonard adaptations . last year's touch was ill-conceived and just plain odd but get shorty , jackie brown and now out of sight all were highly entertaining movies . steven soderburgh , master of sex , lies and videotape , now adds crime to his repertoire in this tale of bank robbery , prison , double-crossing , uncut diamonds and , oh yeah , true love . george clooney is the protagonist , a risky choice after such duds as batman and robin and the peacemaker , but for once i didn't want to slap the taste out of his mouth . he plays his role in out of sight as the suave cary grant-type perfected in hitchcock movies , the kind of guy to whom crime is just a profession like any other . nowhere present is clooney's usual ain't-i-sexy sneer -- there's just enough leftover lightheartedness to fit in with the leonard style . clooney is definitely a perfect successor to john travolta in get shorty . clooney plays a man who's robbed about 200 banks without ever using a gun . in the opening scene , he walks into one bank and robs it not only with ease but with charm . of course , he gets caught , so it's not all good . it's while doing time in a florida prison that clooney learns of one rich inmate's ( albert brooks in a frightful bald wig ) collection of diamonds in detroit . clooney and cohort ving rhames plan the score , while protection artist and fight promoter don cheadle begins rival plans . meanwhile , there's jennifer lopez . unintentionally funny in selena and intentionally funny in anaconda , she's finally graduated to a worthy role as the u . s . marshal who happens to be driving up to the jail on the night clooney escapes . rhames is waiting to give him a ride in a stolen car , and lopez makes it a threesome , her hostage ass locked in a trunk with clooney . he's covered in dirt and has a gun to her neck , and it's a little cramped in there , but they manage to make a love connection anyway , probably because it's a movie . the relationship between clooney and lopez is at the heart of the movie , and one of the details that elevates it beyond your normal noir-ish crime story . the leonard movies are more obsessed with dialogue than crime , and this is no exception . although they're not really germane to the plot , lopez's relationship with her father ( dennis farina of get shorty ) , rhames' relationship with his christian sister ( you could call her sister christian ) and a pop-in cameo by michael keaton all lend extra class to a movie already full of it . out of sight spans at least three years but has a non-linear structure , focusing on the jailbreak / brooks score and flashing back to earlier times . this is a movie with a brain , as smooth and calculated as the clooney and lopez characters themselves . the entire cast does the material justice -- clooney and lopez coming into their own , and rhames and cheadle cementing their positions as two of my favorites . here's hoping future leonard adaptations continue to carry the torch . serving america for almost 1/20th of a century ! synopsis : rumored to be about a true person , the story of mulan has circulated in oral tradition for over a thousand years , and has inspired operas , literature , and even coinage . ( since 1984 , china has been issuing annual gold and silver coin sets commemorating famous historical figures ; the 1992 set includes mulan . ) in the ballad of mulan ( written in the 5th or 6th century ) , an imperial edict by the khan ( emperor ) orders men from each family to be drafted into the army to defend china . a girl's parents hear sighing , and think that their daughter mulan ( the name means magnolia ) is dreaming of boys , but actually she's dreading what horrors might befall her old infirm father if he were to be drafted off to battle . mulan bravely runs away , masquerading as a boy , to serve in the army instead of her father . ten thousand miles and twelve years of brutal war later , the army finally returns in triumph . the emperor wants to reward mulan's valor with a prestigious position in government , but she declines , accepts a horse , and returns home quietly to don her true clothes . mulan's old army buddies visit and get the shock of their lives when they find out that mulan is actually a woman . the disney animated feature mulan is similar to the ballad story , only it adds a modern character for comic relief : mushu the dragon ( eddie murphy ) . in disney's mulan , when a fierce army of invading huns threatens to overrun peaceful china the emperor orders one man from each family to be conscripted into the army . old mr . fa ( soon-tek oh ) is handicapped and has no son ; he has only his spirited young daughter mulan ( ming-na wen ) . fearing for her father's life , the courageous mulan secretly cuts her hair , disguises herself as a man , and sneaks off to serve in the army in her father's stead . meanwhile mushu , the disgraced and demoted guardian dragon of the fa family , has been reduced to the size of a squirrel and the status of incense burner . ( his only duty is to ring a gong . ) mushu hits upon a plan to redeem himself and regain his guardian status by helping the disguised mulan to become a macho male warrior hero . with the help of mushu , a horse , and a lucky cricket , can army recruit mulan save china and bring honor to the fa family ? opinion : east meets west . i know a chef in santa fe that does this sort of magic ; he combines asian culinary influences from the west coast with latin american from down south and european from the atlantic to concoct new creations that hit just the right combination of flavors . from their state of the art animation studio in orlando , disney is hoping to work the same kind of east/west magic with mulan . i mean , what would you say if i told you that a new movie featured tang dynasty art , with donny osmond singing , ming-na wen acting , and eddie murphy playing a chinese dragon that makes pop references to batman and the reverend jessie jackson ? yet this is the case in the disney's re-interpretation of the familiar chinese classic . the end result is spectacular ; mulan is one of disney's best movies ever . personally , i'm also glad to see the detestable american stereotype of the weak-willed subservient asian woman take a beating : mulan is portrayed as a normal , if spirited , compassionate gal capable of taking the initiative . mulan is more than just eastern graphics and faces combined with westernized pop and disney . kids of any age will like the family themes , and will understand the good guys versus bad guys thing . and adolescent and preteen girls can appreciate the romance factor , while the boys admire the battles . and adults can admire those male/female nuances as well as the interplay between traditional notions of family , honor , and duty with industrial age notions of romantic love , gumption , and questioning . but even the tiniest details reveal quality . the movie's art supervisors spent three weeks in china researching the right look : negative spaces , positive detail , period clothing , and graphic designs typical of the time and place . computers were used for crowd scenes of up to 30 , 000 people , and a special program called 'attila' was used for a spectacular sequence involving 2000 attacking huns on horseback . and singers osmond and salonga are at the top of their game . balance is crucial . a movie about a chuckling lone dragon played by eddie murphy might not be disney's cup of tea , but if you use the character as a comic sidekick to balance a determined and spirited heroine , then , pow ! the dream team . by the same token , a tale about a girl in the army might be a sober exercise in filial piety by itself , but toss the dragon in there and you've got enough wahoo individualism for a light hearted disney romp . it's rare that a movie can seamlessly combine elements from both east and west , old and young , male and female into a cohesive and entertaining whole , but mulan hits the universal bullseye . it's movie for any age , creed , gender , or color . if you've ever perused my college comedy diary " another year in the life of a nerd " ( i never run out of cheap plugs ) , you know i didn't get along with my first-semester roommate too well . in fact , during the three-week period between thanksgiving and christmas break , i said a total of four sentences to him . so when i saw in the residence hall cable listings a movie called roommates , i envisioned 90 minutes of conflict between a couple of bickering young adults trapped in a 10 x 13 foot dorm room . then i saw that the star of roommates is peter falk . scratch that idea . but i still say someone should film the story of two college roommates whose relationship is less than ideal . of course , in my case it would be a silent picture . even without the college element , i still decided to watch roommates because i had absolutely nothing to do , unless you count studying for final exams ( and who does ? ) . i'm glad i did . peter falk's performance was actually what made the movie . and this is a guy i never considered a real actor , more like someone who went around in a trenchcoat solving prescripted mysteries . falk pleasantly surprised me here , permanently earning my respect , so all you " columbo " fans who think i live to insult the guy can just falk off . falk plays rocky , a 107-year-old polish baker who raises his grandson after both the kid's parents die . the movie begins with the mom's death and the son moving in with his grandparents . after a couple stops along the son's journey to manhood , roommates progresses to the present day , with the grandson a surgeon and rocky in a condemned house he refuses to leave . the surgeon reluctantly offers the only possible solution -- rocky will have to move into his place , the basement of a building rented by a group of chinese students ( " communists ! " ) . the movie spans nine more years of rocky's relationship with his grandson , and the trials posed when the grandson meets and falls in love with--gasp--a woman , and starts spending all his time with her . so , in his grandson's absence , rocky turns his pursuits to professional boxing , achieveing the world heavyweight title in a climactic fight with apollo creed . . . or am i confusing movie plots again ? roommates has an almost epic feel to it , covering several generations of a family with one fiesty immigrant who refuses to die . death , though , knocks at the door of almost every other major character in the the movie . roommates has about as many casualties as the first halloween . the number can't be counted on one hand , unless of course you're the victim of some hideous genetic mutation . and you can probably guess who says farewell to planet earth at the end of the movie ( no , not duran duran ) . i won't come out and say it . instead , i'll just sit here and hum " eye of the tiger " until each and every one of you figures it out . roommates plays on all the major emotions . it knows when to make you laugh and when to make you cry . movies that can perfectly mix comedy and drama are always hits with the audience , even though this one bombed at the theaters . my point ? there are no absolutes . or , another possible point , peter falk just isn't such a great box office draw . either way , this is still a good movie and you should give it a chance like i did , whether you hate your roommate or not . capsule : the director of cure brings a weird and very complex concept to the screen . one viewing will not be enough to understand fully the premise of pulse . the idea is something about ghosts and the internet . the film has an amazing apocalyptic style . , +2 ( -4 to +4 ) perhaps the most disturbing ( and disturbed ? ) filmmaker in the world is kiyoshi kurosawa . his films all seem to have one style , bleak . the worlds he creates are terrifying and cold . little known in the us to date , his films deliver the kind of horror that so many of our filmmakers promise and are unable to deliver . most of his ideas are fresh and at the same time morbid . his 1998 film cure , with one of his niftiest ideas , is just now getting a sadly limited release in the us and hopefully enough people will see it that his name will soon be one to conjure with . cure is probably his classic . last year he released seance , a remake of seance on a wet afternoon . that was perhaps a miscalculation inserting supernatural elements into a non-supernatural story . pulse is kurosawa back on form . taguchi , a young computer expert , is late with his delivery of some important software . two co-workers go to his apartment and find it a dismal dark affair in spite of his computer equipment . taguchi , acting very strangely , lets his friends look for the missing software . meanwhile he slips behind a plastic curtain . when he fails to respond to calls his friends follow him behind the curtain and discover he has hanged himself . if that was not horror enough the body seems to disappear leaving just a strange dark mildew-like spot on the wall . taguchi's computer seems to have been infected with some kind of computer virus . people whose computer gets the virus seem superficially to die via suicide . but they are not entirely dead . their spirits seem to remain present somehow in the real world and on the internet . people who get the computer virus are asked if they want to see a ghost . if they say yes , they seem to be able to see real time images of the spirits still nearby somehow . the computer shows them impossible images of ghosts in their own rooms as seen from cameras that do not exist . this is all somehow connected to heaven and hell somehow filling up and overflowing " like a computer disk . " instead the dead seem to be staying on earth and inhabiting computer viruses . there is some sort of passage between worlds having something to do with doors marked with red tape and strange electronic disturbances on computers . leave it to kurosawa to find a new kind of death . this is a film that has more weird ideas piled together than lifeforce and somehow kurosawa makes the film all work . it may not totally convey his message of isolation and its parallels to death , but whatever it does convey is nightmarish . kurosawa , who directs his own screenplay , ties his story into the real world with some familiar and accurate computer discussion . frequently the plot is advanced with character hunches being assumed to be fact . his plotting is frequently hard to follow and always very strange . junichiro hayashi , the cinematographer who recently has been doing all of kurosawa's films , creates a dark , cold , and gloomy tone . images are obscured by semi-lighting or are behind plastic curtain . scenes are not milked for their horror the way american exploitation films might . people are shot with guns but there is little if any blood in evidence . seeing black silhouettes on computer screens is not immediately scary . kurosawa is not going for and easy visual shock , but a deeper metaphysical dread . of any horror filmmaker in the world , kiyoshi kurosawa is the one to watch . i rate this metaphysical look at isolation a 7 on the 0 to 10 scale and a +2 on the -4 to +4 scale . when i first heard that disney's next animated feature was going to be tarzan , i was almost horrified . i was worried that disney was going to make another hercules ( sorry , jerk-ules ) . that effort was too overloaded with comedy ( and the hero was too boastful and pompous to be considered a sympathetic hero ) , and , after viewing it to this day , i find it a disgrace for disney animation . when i saw the trailers , i was thinking " hmm . . . this isn't bad at all . this just might have potential . " when i bought the soundtrack , i was really quite surprised at how different it sounded from most disney features . i have never really heard of phil collins , nor have i heard of mark mancina , so i was wondering , how would these two make this disney flick spin ? i was pleasantly surprised : the music is top-notch . phil collins' songs are terrific , percussion-heavy pieces of work that seem to break the formula for typical disney songs . the score from mark mancina was also neat ; it reminded me a bit of the lion king , but it was more original . so , the soundtrack wasn't bad at all , considering it was by two people i am not familiar with . this film could be good . . . but will it be ? when i finally went to see it ( on opening day , as i tend to do with most disney animated features ) , my question was answered , in a complete turnabout of expectations for me : disney's tarzan is surprisingly decent . the story starts out with tarzan's parents surviving a shipwreck and finding a home on an island where apes live in peace . however , one day , a vicious leopard , sabor , attacks and kills tarzan's parents , leaving him ( at this time , a baby ) alone-until kala of the apes rescues him . kala wants to raise the child as her own ( she lost hers previously to sabor ) , but her mate , kerchak is not too sure . " it's not our kind , " he says . he agrees , though , to let her take care of little tarzan , but " that doesn't make him my son . " tarzan grows up , vowing to be " the best ape ever " , but no matter how hard he tries or what he does ( at the guidance of his hilarious ape friend , terk ) , he just can't convince kerchak that he is one of the apes , even when he defeats sabor in a battle . one day , a new animal shows up : humans . this is where jane comes into the picture . she is on an expedition with her father ( professor porter ) , and a despicable hunter ( clayton ) searching for gorillas . tarzan rescues her when she is chased by baboons , and soon they get to know each other . even though tarzan falls in love with jane , this causes things to go wrong . clayton tricks tarzan into taking him , jane , and porter to see the apes , who are convinced that he has betrayed them . worse , clayton has plotted to send the gorillas to london for money . will tarzan find out which family he belongs to and save the apes ? i'm not gonna tell you , sorry . you're gonna have to see for yourself . and see it you should ; the animation is , as always , top notch , particularly when tarzan goes soaring through the trees ( read that , skateboarding ) . the deep canvas computer generated effect adds an authentic feeling to the jungle which tarzan lives in . in fact , it seems similar to the computer imagery/cel animation combination in rival disney animted films , such as fox's anastasia and dreamworks' prince of egypt . could it be that disney was actually taking ideas from their rivals ? the casting is fairly good . tony goldwyn is emotionally believeable as tarzan ( and to my relief , the animators have succeeded in not making him another hercules . nicely done ) , and glenn close is wonderful as kala ( she has a beautiful singing voice , too , by the way ) . lance henrikson as kerchak somewhat reminds me of robby benson's beast voice , which makes him all the more ferocious and gripping . minnie driver had me a little worried at first as the voice of jane . i thought she had the most annoying voice in the whole film ( when i first saw the trailers ) , but when i saw the film , i didn't have a problem with her . i take back my insult on driver . it's nice to hear nigel hawthorne do another voice for a disney animated feature ( he was fflewdurr flamm in disney's most underrated classic , the black cauldron ) ; he is funny and delightful as professor porter . on the villiany side of the voices , brian blessed ( the guy who did boss nass in star wars : episode i-the phantom menace ) brings a pompous , and later on vicious , voice to the sinister clayton . he might not be the strongest character in the film ( he's just a plain bad guy , nothing else ) , but blessed's vocal work contributes greatly . but if there is any voice that i think steals the whole show , it should be rosie o'donnell , who is hilariously funny as terk . she also has a fiesty attitude ( " i'm gonna kill ya ! " she says , more than once ) . i almost sung along with her during one of the film's best moments , where the apes make a mess of the human's camp , via song , er , scatting " shoo-be-doo , da-be-dah " . i can see why she wanted to have a rock song for the film , she's a good singer . not that she was the only funny character in the film , though . wayne knight ( who played stan in space jam ) gives a whimsically funny style to tantor , an elephant who is especially worried about stepping into " un-sanitary " water . ( thankfully , there is no real sound of flatuence-that would have killed the picture ) . the songs , as i said before , are decent , mostly sung by collins . this sets a new standard for disney animated films because for the first time , the characters do not sing . i tolerate musical numbers from characters a lot more than some other guys would , but i found this to be a nice change of pace . the story does have elements of comedy in it , but they also load it with strong dramatic touches , which makes this film far better than the unbelieveably uninspired hercules . if there is anything disappointing about tarzan , it might be the omission of the 'n sync version of " trashing the camp " from the film . i heard it on the soundtrack , and wondered where it was going to be . i was upset that it wasn't , because i had thought of taking a few friends of mine who like 'n sync to see tarzan . oh , well . . . overall , i was enthralled with tarzan . i wouldn't hold it high the way i do with mulan or the hunchback of notre dame ( my all-time favorite disney classics ) , but this film deserves a high place among disney's greatest achievements . i give a nod to disney for following up their spectacular * * * * * masterpiece , mulan , with this great animated adaption of egar rice burrough's tarzan . the opening crawl tells us that the galaxy is in turmoil over the taxation of trade routes , and the greedy trade federation has used it's armada of powerful space battleships to blockade the planet naboo . we soon find that the federation plans to invade the planet with an enormous army of warrior robots and force naboo's ruler , the young queen amidala ( natalie portman ) to sign a treaty giving the federation control . however , the galactic republic has sent jedi knights qui-gon jinn ( liam neeson ) and obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor ) as emissaries to the federation in order to negotiate for the ending of the blockade . no sooner do they arrive than the federation leaders are instructed via holographic transmission by a mysterious cloaked figure to destroy the jedi , and the first battle begins . it seems that for me and thousands of people like me , the love for george lucas's trilogy of star wars movies has only grown over time . we're the fans , not the freaks . we won't go dressing up like darth vader ( although you have to admit those imperial uniforms are pretty darn cool ) , and we won't incorporate lines from the script in our everyday conversations ( not all the time , anyway ) , but if someone wants to challenge us to a little trivia contest , we're throwing down . all right , stop looking at me like that . we have been faithfully and patiently waiting . waiting for this movie ever since the end credits of return of the jedi started to roll . you see , the trilogy is not just a set of movies , but a religion of sorts to we , the faithful disciples , and the phantom menace is tantamount to the second coming of the messiah . unfortunately , it is not our savior . for weeks beforehand , i was going around telling people that this movie had better be damned good - stupendously good - miraculously good . anything less and it'll be the biggest disappointment of the century . i didn't want the doomsaying prophecy to come true , really i didn't , but this film nevertheless fails to reach the pinnacles of filmmaking . character development is virtually nonexistent . with the possible exception of qui-gon , most of the film's characters seem left with nothing to do but go through the motions . none seem very affected by their experiences , and few even show any passion at all . contrast this with the horribly irritating comic relief we are nearly continuously subjected to in the form of jar jar binks , a creature belonging to a race which lives in underwater cities on naboo , in precarious symbiosis with the land dwellers led by amidala . jar jar's life is saved by qui-gon early in the film , and travels with our heroes for the sole reason of making us laugh ( or supposedly so ) . his speech mannerisms are so " cute-ified " that i couldn't understand a third of what he was saying , and the slapstick he performed was just distracting . his head gets caught in an electronic field , his foot gets caught in the stirrup of some large beast , he describes being in trouble as " deep doo doo , " and even manages to step in some of the same while walking around in mos eisley spaceport . therein lies a key difference between this film and one of its predecessors . in star wars , we had obi-wan telling us mos eisley was a " wretched hive of scum and villainy . " in the phantom menace , we get doo doo . the films of the trilogy took me away from my everyday life and immersed me in a story " a long time ago in a galaxy far , far away . . . . " this film , on the other hand , constantly reminds me that it's only a movie by including situations and phrases that are so uniquely modern american that they seem incredibly out of place and serve to jerk the viewer from the experience . perhaps the most blatant offense occurs during a scene where young anakin skywalker enters into a pod racing competition ( it's kind of like chariot racing with large engines instead of horses ) , and there are a couple of commentators in a press box delivering indy 500-like play by play . i liked the pod race ; it was really exciting and ratcheted the tension , but when the heck did lucas think up the idea of putting in the sportscasters ? the race would have been even more exciting without the distraction . this aspect , coupled with the emphasis on humor simply baffled me . i suppose one may say that lucas was trying to appeal to the younger viewer , but would more intelligent scenes and dialog hurt this appeal at all ? didn't millions of youngsters still go back to see the original star wars in 1977 over and over again ? didn't the action figures still sell like hotcakes ? of course they did , and it's only poor judgment that allows the most-eagerly awaited film in history to be marred by pandering to children who would still have enjoyed a film with more appeal for adults . one aspect that will appeal broadly , however , is the use of special effects . the people at lucas's industrial light and magic , the world's premiere effects house , outdid themselves in providing seamless integration of computer-generated images and real-life footage . some of the scenes have to be seen to be believed , especially the shots of a land battle between the federation's robot army and jar jar's countrymen . the space battles are also impressive , although improved over past efforts by only subtle margins to the casual observer . this , however , is a testament to the work which ilm produced two decades ago and still holds up well today . john williams is back , of course , providing a score for the film as only he can . his music is pervasive throughout , as rousing and as dramatic as ever , always serving to punctuate scenes noticeably and appropriately . since this film is supposed to be the first installment in a nine-episode story ( star wars , the empire strikes back and return of the jedi being episodes four , five and six , respectively ) , the phantom menace has the daunting task of setting up the origins of several characters we know already , in addition to those with whom we unfamiliar . as a result , attention to history and characterization was spread a little thin . it would have been nice to get more in depth with yoda and obi-wan , for example , but given the fact that there were several new characters to cover , it is understandable that some of the development has been left for the next two films . one of the new characters is darth maul , hailed as the new villain with as much hype as marketing forces could muster prior to this film's release . in spite of the hype , darth maul is a character which almost didn't have to be in the film , his role is so insignificant . he has maybe three spoken lines ( believe it or not , a second actor voices the character ) and the rest of the time just scowls and looks mean . with that working against him , he never has a chance at being interesting and instead ends up an utter disappointment . lucas seems to have wanted to develop the spiritual nature of the star wars universe , something which has been prominent throughout . however , he does so largely by paralleling the star wars spirituality with the bible , offering an easy out for story-writing and once again bringing the viewer back to planet earth with a real-life connection . oddly , while trying to capitalize on spirituality , lucas at the same time introduces the fact that mastery of the force is dependent upon having little force-loving parasites in your body's cells . this only serves to de-mystify the workings of the force a few notches by offering a scientific connection . don't let me mislead you too far . the phantom menace , by most standards , is a good film . it contains a lot of visual treats , sets the stage for an epic story , gives us a bit of excitement here and there , and even allows us to revisit some of our old friends . it's just that when held up to it's predecessors ( and to not do so would be unrealistic ) , this film simply pales . in december of 1996 , a little movie called " scream , " was released , became a box-office smash , and resurrected films targeted at teens . first , it was teen slasher movies that were the big fad ( both " scream " movies , " i know what you did last summer , " " urban legend , " etc . ) , but just recently , the popularity has switched over to the teen comedy genre ( a 'la '80s john hughes ) , starting with last june's " can't hardly wait . " it may be the first week of april in 1999 , but so far this year we have been given a movie aimed at the 25-and-under market almost every single week : " varsity blues , " " jawbreaker , " " cruel intentions , " " simply irresistible , " " the rage : carrie 2 , " and " the mod squad . " coming april 9 are two more of this type : " never been kissed " and " go , " and on april 23 , we've got the teen satire " election " and the teen horror-comedy " idle hands . " jeesh ! out of all of these moves , however , the one that is most similar to the latest incarnation , " 10 things i hate about you , " is this past january's mediocre , ho-hum " she's all that . " although similar in plotting ( ok , darn near identical ) , " 10 things i hate about you , " a modern-day version of shakespeare's " the taming of the shrew " ( " she's all that " got its inspiration from " pygmalion " ) , is an infinitely superior film in every department , from the smart direction by first-time feature director gil junger to the charming and well-written screenplay by karen mccullah lutz and kirsten smith to the striking ensemble cast , who give the best group of performances in a teen comedy since 1985's " the breakfast club . " and to top it all off , in the inevitable climax set at the prom , at least we didn't have to once again suffer through a goofy , inappropriate dance sequence ( who could forget , or want to remember , for that matter , this ludicrous development in " she's all that ? " ) . the day wide-eyed , shy new student cameron james ( joseph gordon-levitt ) starts school at seattle-based padua high , he is swept away at the sight of the beautiful and popular sophomore , bianca stratford ( larisa oleynik ) . although he doesn't know french , he purposefully learns some of it just so he can tutor her , but finds that her paranoid gynecologist father ( larry miller ) won't allow her to date until her bitter , unconventional older sister , kat ( julia stiles ) , a senior , decides to . kat , of course , has sworn off the likes of boys , but cameron sets out to find someone that will be the perfect match for her , which is exactly what he finds in the form of the rebellious patrick verona ( heath ledger ) . complicating matters , cameron's dorky friend , michael ( david krumholtz ) , decides to use a wealthy jock , joey ( andrew keegan ) , who also has his sights set on bianca , as a pawn so that he will pay patrick to get kat to go out with him , and then cameron hopes to steal bianca away from joey . as you can see , " 10 things i hate about you " includes a huge number of characters , some of which i haven't even mentioned , such as kat's shakespeare-obsessed friend , mandella ( susan may pratt ) and bianca's materialistic comrade , chastity ( gabrielle union ) . at a short , but well-used running time of 98 minutes , all of the characters are perfectly handled , satisfyingly developed , and , for the most part , are not treated as caricatures ( another flaw of " she's all that , " where the bad guys ( and gals ) ran around constantly saying , " you're vapor " ) . since i could sympathize with the realistic depictions of the central characters , and since many of the comedic and dramatic scenes were surprisingly effective , i got completely caught up in all of the relationships and was thoroughly entertained . aside from a good screenplay , it's the performances that can make or break a movie , and director junger has really hit the jackpot . aside from joseph gordon-levitt ( " 3rd rock from the sun " ) , who gives his strongest performance to date here , none of the actors are that well-known , but it is this aspect that brings a particular freshness to the proceedings . as the main character of kat , julia stiles ( last seen in the miniseries " the '60s " ) is marvelous and always believable , and certainly has a bright future ahead of her . even though it is her role that is initially the most difficult and hard-edged , it was easy to identify with kat's way of thinking ( she is against the silly tradition of the prom and loves reading sylvia plath ) , and i completely admired her individuality . no one , i think , could have portrayed her as perfectly as stiles does . heath ledger , as the infamous bad-boy of the town , injects much life into patrick , and has a lot of chemistry with stiles . one other actor of note is larisa oleynik who , with the help of screenwriters lutz and smith , is able to turn bianca into a person with multi-dimensions , even though she is accurately self-centered at the on-set . in one truthful scene , cameron angrily asks her if she has always been so selfish , and bianca grudgingly realizes that yes , she has . one off-beat element of the film , and a source of some hearty laughs , is the way that the school's staff act , which is strikingly unformal . allison janney , as the guidance counselor ms . perky , who is writing a trashy harlequin romance novel , is comic dynamite , as is daryl " chill " mitchell as the english teacher , who reads shakespeare to the class in rap and , at one point , sends kat to the office because , for once , she actually thinks one of his assignments is really good . although there are a few cheap laughs that are thrown into the film near the beginning , most of it actually works , especially in the humorous and witty dialogue exchanges and quirks between the characters . in one very funny scene , chastity asks , " i know people can be overwhelmed , and they can be underwhelmed , but can people just be . . . whelmed ? " at another point , bianca and kat's father ( a stand-out larry miller ) , who is constantly terrified that his daughters are going to get pregnant , only allows bianca to go to the prom on one occasion : before she leaves , she has to put on the heavy fat suit he has so she will get an idea of what it's like to be pregnant . " 10 things i hate about you " once and for all proves that there is still life in the teen comedy genre , and this movie is probably more reminiscent of the great john hughes than any other film of the '90s . it also helps that the movie has a perfectly-assembled soundtrack , mixing indie-rock with new wave '80s songs ( and with , thank goodness , no rap ) . by the film's end , it actually had me rooting for certain characters to get together , and i was also quite pleased with how everything was wrapped up , especially in the final scenes involving kat and bianca , kat and her father , and a flawlessly-acted and moving sequence in which kat gets up to read the poem she has written for her english class ( this is where the title comes from ) . luckily , i doubt i would be able to find ten things i hate about " 10 things i hate about you , " but the positive aspects of the film far out-number ten . the last steve martin film i saw , the spanish prisoner , was a very different approach for the comic actor . as a millionaire leading a massive conspiracy in order to rob " a process " from a clueless businessman , martin's character did it all for money . in his most recent movie , bowfinger , martin plays yet another con man except this time he does it to succeed in the film industry . he wants to direct a successful picture that will force people to remember his name , that will make him more popular at the parties , and , most importantly , that will cause fed ex to deliver important business packages to his front door . playing the title role , martin is once again the good guy ; the one we cheer for to complete his low budget action movie . this con man is very likeable for some reason , even though he is doing the same exact thing as the malicious jimmy del from the spanish prisoner . maybe the message is that , in hollywood , to win over the trust and friendship of others , you have to be a little evil . bowfinger is a very clever comedy with great performances from its two stars . martin , who also wrote the screenplay , is perfect as a jerk with a conscience and eddie murphy does his best " peter sellers " in two different , but equally hilarious , roles ; one as a big time move star and the other as his nerdy , burger king employee brother . the story follows aging and failing director/producer bobby bowfinger as he makes one last attempt to become a respected member of his field by creating a b-action movie called chubby rain . in order to attract actors and crew members , bowfinger promises them that hot shot actor kit ramsey will star in the movie . the only problem is that kit refuses to be in it . but this won't stop the aggressive bowfinger . he is so determined to complete his film that he decides to put kit in it without even telling him . he has his actors approach kit on the streets of los angeles in character with a hidden camera filming the footage . will bowfinger be able to make his film ? or will kit ramsey discover what exactly is going on ? bowfinger is a very cartoon-like movie that pokes fun at hollywood and its famous residents while simultaneously holding a very solid story line . the only area where the film really lacks is the cameo department . this is the kind of movie that cameos are all about , it is always funny to see actors/directors/producers making fun of themselves or co-workers especially in a playful movie such as this . besides the very repetitive and superflous ending , bowfinger is a joy to watch . if you take a movie like this seriously then you will never enjoy it . if you accept the incredulous plot and the extreme caricatures of real entertainment figures , the movie is great fun . whenever studio executives try to combine the successful formula of two blockbuster films , the end result is always a mess of a script , acting , directing , and generally a waste of time for any audience with an average iq above 40 . the latest movie morass from hollywood , the crew , appeared equally destined to fail , a strange combination of grumpy old men and goodfellas tossed together with the likes of richard dreyfuss and burt reynolds helming the ship . the scary thing is that it's actually entertaining and a breath of fresh air in this otherwise stale month . the crew works for several reasons . the clever script is reminiscent of an old billy wilder movie , following four " past their prime " wiseguys from jersey who now live in the raj mahal apartment house in miami beach . the wiseguys find themselves being evicted from their " golden paradise " by greedy landlords bent on raising rents for new beach bunnies and boys looking for beachfront property . the four mobsters , bobby bartellemeo ( richard dreyfuss ) , joey " bats " pistella ( burt reynolds ) , mike " the brick " donatelli ( dan hedaya ) , and tony " mouth " donato ( seymour cassel ) decide to hatch a scheme to plant there a dead body heisted from the morgue in order to drive out the new tenants and keep their home . this " simple plan " suddenly goes screwy , of course , and the boys become involved with a stripper named ferris ( jennifer tilly ) who wants her stepmother killed , a paranoid latin drug lord who's convinced a mysterious rival is out to get him , and a rat with its tail on fire . the crew works as a strong comedic vehicle driven by a great ensemble cast of talented character actors and subtle leading men . instead of concentrating on bobby's search for his daughter , the film gives equal screen time to all four wiseguys , balancing the production . the acting talents of such screen veterans as dan hedaya , seymour cassel , and the great , great burt reynolds are brought out by each character's uniqueness and synergy within the wiseguy circle . a strong supporting cast including jeremy piven as a philandering boyfriend/cop/partner and miguel sandoval as the paranoid drug lord provide the most laughs . the film was produced by barry sonnenfeld and carries a hint get shorty with its energetic camera work by michael dinner , emmy award-winning director of the wonder years . the quick script written by barry fanaro , screenwriter of kingpin , is carried by plenty of subtly dry humor and wit . the crew is a prime example of how simple and dry-witted a comedy can get these days . the great thing is that this comedy does not need to be punctuated by bodily fluids , phallus symbols in the head , or grandmothers giving head in a spa . in the steady flow of " extreme " comedy these days flowing from hollywood like a broken water main , it's the elder statesmen like dreyfuss , reynolds , and hedaya that can carry a comic arc with only a few weapons of choice - a decent script and good acting . along his carreer , mel gibson has collected several successes , not only from an economic point of view but also from an artistic point of view . for all that , i think no one could guess the skills and abilities now disclosed in braveheart . the australian actor decided to produce and direct a film about sir william wallace , a popular scotch hero of the 13th century , where he would also perform the principal role . accepting so huge challenge , mel gibson run the risk of stain all his work of years , with a suppoosed failure , just to see recognized , by everyone , all his potentialities and , that way , to consolidate his position in hollywood . it was , definitely , an enormous risk but i'm sure mel knew exactly well what he was going to face . braveheart is , in fact , a magnificent and magisterial film . for three hours we are completely absorbed by the narrative's rhyitm which never gives place to a single moment of monotony or uninterest . the william wallace's story is the story of so many others brave liberty's defenders who fought and gave the life for that essential value , along the centuries . seeing himself and his people victims of injustices and violent repression , william wallace dares to face the powerful edward i , king of england , in a war by the autonomy of scotland . as the victories succeed the number of fighters with wallace goes growing up . his courage and inteligence are admired by everyone , including the princess isabelle of wales , wife of edward's son . however , william wallace was also surrounded by enemies and some of them were closer than he thought . braveheart may not be an historically corrected movie but the nature of its message make us think about the importance that we give to liberty , nowadays . mel gibson directs with a lot of brilliancy a brilliant cast . patrick mcgoohan has a very nice performance as edward i , the king longshank . the scene when he waits for the death and loses his voice is really good . sophie marceau , as princess isabelle , has along the movie no more than fifteen minutes of performance but mel gibson gave to those minutes such a very special treatment that princess isabelle soon becomes one of the major characters in braveheart . i also liked the performances of angus macfadyen , as robert the bruce , and , of course , mel gibson , as william wallace . however , i think this time the mel gibson's work as director was much better than his work as actor . the excellent music composed by james horner is another thing that helps braveheart to be the success that it really is . when we join that music to the beautiful scotch landscapes , view by the camera of john toll , then we realize all the beauty of this film . braveheart is , in my opinion , one of the best movies of 1995 ! i've heard some people saying that mel gibson is gonna be a new david lean . for now , let's see if braveheart equalizes the 6 oscars of lawrence of arabia . it won't be easy ! it's gonna be one more challenge for mel gibson . renown surrealist director , the 77-year-old frenchman alain resnais ( hiroshima , mon amour/last year at marienbad/m ? lo ) , has created a lighthearted musical played as an homage to britisher dennis potter and his pennies from heaven ( 1978 tv serial , 1981 movie ) and the singing detective ( 1986 ) . the film follows potter's gimmicky style of having the characters jump into lip-synched old or contemporary french pop songs to express their private thoughts . he also follows the kind of sweet and colorful musicals his fellow countryman jacques demy loved to direct , such as " the umbrellas of cherbourg " and " the young girls of rochefort . " the tale has resnais's unique touches as a director to go along with his homage . it is a satire about class differences and falling in love with the wrong person , and that there is a song in everyone's heart for every occasion . what hinders this production is that the stars are not portraying particularly engaging characters , the songs are not memorable and stand little chance of being recognized by an american audience ( the exceptions might be the edith piaf and maurice chevalier numbers ) , and the farce seems more banal than daring . yet it is not without its striking moments and charms , such as when jane birkin does a cameo and sings one of her own songs . also , the glossy amberlike photography added a very french romantic feeling to the story , while the mood of paris as being a place for love to flourish above all else , which has always been embellished in movie lore , comes through with flying colors . it also does a good job of showing you the way paris is in the 1990s and in the way ordinary people exist there . it tells the romantic story of six parisians who become intertwined with each other in their ordinary lives as they search for happiness . they are the attractive sisters odile ( sabine az ? ma ) and camille ( agnes jaoui ) , with the older businesswoman odile married and decidedly set on a bourgeois life of material comforts . she is married to the glum and laconic claude ( pierre arditi ) . she once went out with a businessman , nicolas ( jean-pierre bacri ) , who left her 8-years ago and now shows up in paris and asks her help to find someone to rent a flat for his family . simon ( andre dussolier ) works as a real-estate salesman and is trying to find nicolas a flat , in his spare time he writes radio plays . simon's boss is the much younger , unscrupulous and arrogant marc duveyrier ( lambert wilson ) , who inherited the firm from his father and is the real-estate agent selling a more luxurious and larger flat with a better view to odile , but fails to tell her that a building project is going up soon that will block her view . screenwriters and actors jean-pierre bacri and agnes jaoui wrote themselves the best parts . jaoui's camille is a university scholar finishing up a ph . d . in history , using for her thesis the study of 'the yeomen in the year 1000 at lake paladru . ' she works as a tour guide in the meantime and suffers from panic attacks , even though she appears to have outwardly perfect self-control . on her tours for the last four years has been the much older simon , pretending to be doing research for his plays but really attracted to her , but not having the nerve to tell her this . to his dismay , he finds out she is dating his mean-spirited but handsome boss , whom she meets when looking at her sister's new place and seeing him crying but not realizing that it was from a cold , not because he's so sensitive . bacri as the classy nicolas , turns out to be now working as a chauffeur . he is a hypochondriac with a history of depression who visits many doctors , until he finds one who tells him there is nothing wrong with him . odile still pines for him , but he's married , telling her he expects his wife to arrive shortly . love is 'the same old song' that makes the world go 'round , even when all the characters are liars and not exactly open to what their true motives are . everything comes together in a bourgeois housewarming party for odile's place , as the characters reveal their true feelings and all their deceptions and neurotic impulses are either uncovered or about to be . there's not a lot of bite to this satirical musical , but resnais has never made a bad film and is one of the best current french directors , if not the best . this film is not one his great ones , but it still has enough pep in its light touches to be interesting . it not only has an odd way for the characters to break into song but -- some males even sing in a female voice while some females sing in a male voice . it is also interesting in the way it examines its characters' behavior as being similar in business as in love . in 1987 the stock market crashed , and oliver stone's wall street was released to critical acclaim and packed movie houses . wall street lucked out in its timing ; the recent crash gave the film a resonation it might not of had , and though its kill-or-be-killed approach to business was exaggerated , that very ideology was keyed into the mind set of the quintessential reagan-era businessman . stone constructed his film as a mythical good vs . evil tale relayed in the fast-paced milieu of the burgeoning stock exchange . critics and audiences lauded wall street , elevating its status to that of a contemporary classic . i'm proud to say that i will never be counted as one of them . i found wall street to be just as axiomatic and pandering as the majority of stone's output with its thin caricatures , obvious sentiments , and a charisma barren performance by the young charlie sheen . stone goes for broke in every scene ( the same could be said for nearly all of his works ) . this approach tends to bury his purported message beneath a heap of good intentions . he directs stock exchange scenes in typical hyperbolic mode with people shouting into phones as if they were in a plummeting airplane . it's all an excuse for stone to ratchet up the emotion with false intensity , rather than explore what these situations are really like . i have a feeling the brokers would be psychologically manipulative ( as they are presented in boiler room ) rather than laughably over the top . these guys are salesmen after all , not televised judges . more than anything i am baffled by why so many adore wall street . the only possible solution i can muster is its release date . and not just the timeliness of the " greed is good " subject matter : the film was plumped down in the eighties , a decade in which the one-joke comedy rose to an art form , and a group of glamorous brat packers smirked their way through inane high concept , low result movies . in my mind , the eighties will forever be remembered as a decade with not only a proliferation of bad movies , but bad music , bad hair , and bad clothes . maybe stone's after school special set in wall street was viewed as a welcome change of pace . boiler room is an equally well-timed film with some similarities to stone's piece of crap . they both feature a consequential father-son relationship , though boiler room's is much more subtle and touching . and they are both concerned with the power of greed , yet the men in boiler room are akin to poseurs presuming to be big shots rather than the slippery-smooth , heartless gordon gecko figures of wall street . boiler room is a message movie as well , though ( at least until the end ) doesn't shove it in our faces . boiler room is about the pursuit of cash and the degrees to which people will go for that cash . as i said , this film is indeed timely in a society where who wants to be a millionaire is the number one prime time show every day ( bringing about a revolution of prime time tv watching that hasn't been seen in quite a while ) ; not only do we want to be millionaires , we want to watch other people become millionaires ! in our super-judgmental , power-oriented culture the desire for money supersedes everything ; when you have money , you have it " all " . and seth ( giovanni ribisi ) wants it " all " the easy way . he's a well-intentioned college drop out who gets lured into working for an illegally run brokerage firm ( the kind that sells junk stock ) whereupon he meets others just like him . ben affleck is cast as jim , the company headhunter , who struts in commanding the room like a frat boy gordon gecko . his job is to influence trainee's into becoming enthusiastic employees by giving a speech that subtly attacks their man hood . it's ironic that he sells these pups the same load of b . s that they're told to dish out to prospective buyers . affleck's character is obviously supposed to recall alec baldwin's similar character in glengary glen ross , and that proves detrimental to the actor's performance . affleck shouts , curses and be-littles his rookie employees just like baldwin , minus the edge . when alec played the scene he became the part , spewing those brutal lines as if they were his own . by comparison affleck simply looks as if he were doing a really hammy line reading . the brokers approach their job with the fervor of overzealous jocks : they storm to work like football players on the way to the big game . rap music thumps on the soundtrack effectively illustrating who these guys think they are : intellectual gangsters . they aren't above a rumble as a test of man hood especially during leisure time where the lumbering scott caan seems all too eager to use his fists in minor disputes . we drink up this world along with seth , and watch him become seduced by it , just like we might be . as in all cautionary tales , boiler room begins with seducing us into its illustrious world of profit and wrongdoing , then smacks us with the consequences of all the recklessness . i know this story . we all do . but it can work if it's told with intelligence and energy , and that is how writer \ director ben younger tells it . as a director of ( please excuse my french ) mise-en-scene younger has much to learn . his style is sitcom bland . but his writing isn't . younger's script is well studied in the vernacular of this bunch ; his dialogue is like a junior david mamet . despite the moderate camera work younger fills his phone-pitch scenes with tension that comes from just the performances and the tightly wound script . the brokers \ hucksters counter every customer objection , gently bullying them into buying stock . these moments are filmed like psychological action scenes : a tense confrontation between a victimizer and a victim who isn't aware that he is one . with the exception of affleck's brief appearances , the performances are truly exceptional . ribisi , who has the edgy looks of a character actor , is extremely potent here , working his pale angular face , and eerie , plaintive stare for all their worth . he conveys child-like vulnerability ( his character seems to hide in a corner whenever things aren't going his way ) in some scenes , and in others he's ferociously cut throat . the jekyll and hyde contradiction works well in the movie : ribisi is confident when it's just him and the phone , but cowardly in front of authority figures including his abrasive father ( authoritatively played by ron rifkin ) . boiler room thankfully avoids wall street-like histrionics in the sales-pitch sequences ; the sales build slowly like a crescendo of intelligent psychological ploys . those ploys are taught to seth by chris ( vin diesel ) , a kind broker who alternates between seth's friend and his mentor . diesl shines in his minor role . this week i saw the sci-fi opus pitch black in which diesel plays a completely different role in an equally effective manner . in that film he has the kind of role that might have gone to arnold schwarzenegger in the 80's , and in boiler room he has the kind of role that might have gone to elliot gould in the 70's . nicky katt is also memorable as a superior broker obsessed with what he can't have . nia long , as the firm's secretary , ( a lone black women amongst many white men ) is ribisi's love interest in a part that at first looks to be as insignificant as most of the parts this talented actress gets , but develops into something more interesting . the two make an oddly likeable couple . long is smart and brash , and ribisi is charmingly aloof . at one point he says to her " i'm just lookin' for some chocolate love " . it's a terrible line but ribisi delivers it in such an innocuous child-like way , it becomes sweetly endearing . unfortunately , towards the end , the boiler room turns a tad schmaltzy . there is much crying , hugging , and sorrowful stares . this is okay when taken in small doses , but younger's conclusion is constructed as a series of these boo-hoo moments , one following the other . a particular misstep is his attempt to show the effect that seth's manipulations have on one of his poor victims . it's not a bad idea but the execution is lacking , with those scenes feeling tacked on to further spell out the message . that message being , " greed is bad " . yes it's patently obvious , but boiler room conveys it by introducing us to a culture that i haven't seen much of in the movies : the disenfranchised twenty something entrepreneur . and all wall street did was introduce us to a simplistic fantasy world of saints and sinners . boiler room offers neither extreme . it gives us what is in between , and for that i am thankful . look back at all the times in your life when there was a fork in the path to the future . some sort of decision had to be made , and , for better or worse , it irrevocably altered the course of your existence . >from time-to-time , everyone thinks about the roads not taken , and how things might have turned out if the choice had been different . perhaps even more dizzying to contemplate is how a seemingly minor action -- catching the 10 am train , for example -- could have an equally profound , yet less obvious , impact . maybe that's where you met your significant other , and , had you reached the platform just a few seconds later ? film makers are no less fascinated by issues of destiny than anyone else , and that's why there's no shortage of movies about this subject . the best of the bunch were probably made by the late polish director krzysztof kieslowski , who was obsessed with questions of fate and chance . these themes weave their way through many of his movies , including decalogue , the double life of veronique , and the triptych of blue , white , and red . however , they are most explicitly examined in a 1981 film called blind chance , where kieslowski presents the three different fates of one man after a minor action ( missing or catching a train ) changes the course of his life . in his autobiography , kieslowski on kieslowski , the director describes his attraction to the concept this way : " [the idea is] rich and interesting ? that every day we're faced with a choice which could end our entire life yet of which we're completely unaware . " while this approach has been the fodder for several notable dramatic films ( including , in a way , frank capra's it's a wonderful life ) , sliding doors is the first romantic comedy to plumb its depths . the " road not taken " approach isn't just a plot device , either . writer/director peter howitt expands upon both possible fates of a character after she just misses/catches a train . the audience watches , with ever-growing fascination , how this one event impacts upon every aspect of her life : her future career , where she lives , whom she loves , and whether she has a family . as her separate destinies diverge and then re-converge , she becomes two completely different individuals . that woman is helen , played by gwyneth paltrow as a long , dark- haired brit . one day , after losing her job as an advertising executive , she decides to return home in the middle of the day . the scene of the pivotal moment is a train platform . in scenario #1 , she just slips through the sliding doors before the train pulls out of the station . on board , she meets the cheerful , talkative james ( john hannah ) , a monty python fan who is taken with her beauty . minutes later , in her flat , she walks in on her lover , gerry ( john lynch ) , in bed with another woman ( jeanne tripplehorn ) . in scenario #2 , she misses the train and , shortly thereafter , is the victim of an attempted mugging . she doesn't meet james and fails to make it home in time to discover gerry's infidelity . juxtaposed one against the other , while sharing many places , cues , and characters , the two stories proceed in parallel from there . on one level , for viewers who enjoy pondering the workings of fate , sliding doors can be viewed as a deep and wonderful experience . but , for those who just appreciate a romantic comedy characterized by solid acting , a script with a few twists , and a great deal of genuinely funny material , sliding doors still fits the bill . one of its most obvious strengths is that it can satisfy many different types of audiences -- those who demand something substantial from their motion pictures , and those who could care less . it shouldn't come as any surprise that the acting , at least from three of the four leads , is solid . paltrow , who does double duty as two helens who are initially the same , yet gradually become much different , is the standout . she plays both of her roles effectively and believably -- the shy , insecure woman who stays with gerry and the liberated , platinum-blond who severs the ties to her old life and embarks on a new career with a new man . john hannah , known to most american viewers as the younger gay character in four weddings and a funeral , is instantly likable . john lynch , taking a break from movies about ireland's troubles , does a good job presenting gerry as a inept , selfish philanderer . only jeanne tripplehorn , who plays an over-the-top vixen , seems out of place . her attempts at broad comedy are occasionally jarring , and it's occasionally difficult to see her lydia as anything more than a plot element . one member of the supporting cast deserves special notice . douglas mcferran , who plays gerry's best friend , russell , is an absolute delight , stealing every scene that he's in . part of this is surely because he is given the best lines in the movie . on one occasion , he has a marvelous monologue bemoaning how advances in the telecommunications industry have trapped men into a life of monogamy . on another occasion , while laughing at gerry's plight with the women in his life , he comments , " being with you makes the wait for the next episode of seinfeld more bearable . " but it's not all in the dialogue . mcferran tears into this part with relish ; his performance becomes one of the most memorable aspects of a top-notch comedy . this is the first feature film for peter howitt , and he approaches the task with unimpeachable aplomb . the script is shrewd and inventive , combining wit , romance , and intelligent melodrama into a crowd-pleasing whole . sliding doors grants more than just a good time at the movies , however . for those who are so inclined , its central theme offers an opportunity to ponder some of the more philosophical questions about the workings of the universe -- all while having a good time . three things i learned from " being john malkovich " : when getting on the elevator for your first day of work on the 7 1/2th floor of a building , always bring your crowbar ; don't stand in the way of your wife's actualization as a man ; and , whenever entering a portal into the mind of another human being , wear old clothes , because , hey , it's muddy in there . " being john malkovich " is the most original film to come down the pike in a very long time . wildly surrealistic , yet presented in a down-to-earth , funky style , this is the kind of movie that sticks in your head . after savoring the sheer inventiveness of the storyline , you roll around the wealth of ideas contained within it . from the ethics of relationships and politics of immortality to the very nature of identity itself , there's a lot to think about here . just don't forget to have fun . clearly , all parties involved in the making of the film certainly did , starting with writer charles kaufman . " i wrote 'being john malkovich' without an outline , " he explains in the press notes , " blindly , with no sense of direction or purpose . it's important to me that i don't have a map before i start . this allows me to surprise myself , stay engaged , discover things , and , hopefully , allow the unconscious to surface . " spike jonze ( mark wahlberg's na ? ve buddy in " three kings " ) takes it from there . the white-hot director of the beastie boy's " sabotage , " an award-winning parody of '70s tv cop shows , as well as numerous other music videos and commercials , eschews typical mtv flash for his feature film debut . jonze wisely realized that a storyline this unusual is most effectively presented in a low-key style . his flat , matter-of-fact approach works perfectly . and then there's the cast . john cusack plays control freak craig schwartz , a street performer who periodically gets decked by parents objecting to his remarkably expressive , but decidedly erotic puppet shows . over the years , his marriage to obsessive pet store employee lotte ( cameron diaz ) has devolved . once passionate lovers , the two are now little more than courteous roommates . financially strapped , craig takes a job as an entry-level file clerk at lestercorp , located on the 7 1/2th floor of a manhattan building . navigating around dr . lester ( orson bean ) , his 105 year-old boss and floris ( mary kay place ) , lester's dotty secretary , craig tries to settle into his new position , but two things keep him distracted . first , there's the beautiful and imperious maxine ( catherine keener ) , who delights in tormenting craig over his obvious lust for her . and then there's the hole behind the file cabinet , which turns out to be a portal into the mind of actor john malkovich . craig learns that anyone who enters the portal gets whooshed into the subconscious of malkovich , where they can experience life from his point of view ( with enough concentration , you can even influence his actions ) . after 15 minutes , the visitor gets ejected and unceremoniously dumped in a ditch on the side of the new jersey turnpike . then things get a little weird . by the way , if you're concerned that i gave away too much of the plot , rest assured - - i barely scratched the surface . one of the most satisfying aspects of the fable is that kaufman is not content to simply milk laughs from his bizarre set-up . instead , he crawls into the dark premise as completely as craig crawls into malkovich , rummaging around and toying with the various philosophical implications of compromising another person's identity . he also examines the consequences of the malko-visits to craig , lotte , maxine and , of course , john malkovich himself . the performances are superb . malkovich ( best known to mainstream audiences for his work in " dangerous liaisons , " " in the line of fire , " and as head psychopath in the guilty-pleasure " con air " ) tweaks his own image in a dandy self-deprecating turn . far from his effete , vaguely reptilian persona , this malkovich is just another schlub , drinking with his pals and trying to get laid ( incidentally , charlie sheen also plays himself in a hilarious parody of his well-earned bad boy reputation ) . as always , john cusack nails his part , handily pulling viewers along even as craig's actions become unconscionable . the big surprises come from catherine keener and cameron diaz , both playing against type . kenner , usually cast in icy subordinate roles , is terrific as a highly intelligent , extremely manipulative femme fatale . cameron diaz , barely recognizable under a mess of brown , curly hair , sheds her perpetually sunny smile and draws big laughs as a woman thrown into extreme sexual confusion after taking a ride in malkovich . " being john malkovich " stumbles towards the end , as jonze and kaufman try too hard to resolve the various subplots . additional characters and increasingly complex explanations lead to a cluttered finale . regardless , this contemporary " alice in wonderland " is a real treat . i enjoyed watching " being john malkovich , " but only later , after reflecting on the film , did its resonance fully hit me . at one point , craig says , " do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is ? " truer words were never spoken . in my reviews i try to make gentle recommendations rather than telling you what to see or what not to see . i realize that we all have different tastes and i cannot predict what my audience will like and what they will dislike . but in the case of american beauty , i must make an exception . if you haven't yet seen it , go see it . now . stop reading this review and head for your local multiplex , then after you've seen it , come back . i'll wait here . welcome back . if you followed my advice ( and i see no reason why you should not have , do you ? ) , i'm sure you've just had one of the richest cinematic experiences of your life . american beauty is an extraordinary film , a powerful , jolting exploration of the dark side of the american dream . it's humorous but it isn't funny because of the unrelenting ominous undercurrent that runs throughout the whole production . mixing comedy and the darkest of drama was the way this film was intended , and by god , it works , making it one of the year's very best . lester burnham ( kevin spacey ) has entered the mother of all mid-life crises . he is living life without a purpose . he is bored , depressed and sick of his sheltered , insignificant existence . he barely ever talks to his family , has no sex life , is stuck at a dead-end job and thinks he has no reason to live . but one day , when he and his equally troubled wife ( annette bening ) attend one of his daughter's ( thora birch ) cheerleading performances , he sees something that makes him come alive . what he sees is the performance by his daughter's friend , the head cheerleader . he develops a lust for the promiscuous young girl ; an obsession which soon becomes pedophilic in nature . but for the first time , lester feels that he is actually living . this crush is only the beginning . lester proceeds to make more and more radical changes in his life , buying the car of his dreams , cursing off the boss and quitting his job ( " today i quit my job , told the boss to f * * * himself and blackmailed him for $60 , 000 -- would you pass the asparagus please ? " ) , buying drugs from the voyeur-next-door ( ricky fitts , a teenager who mysteriously videotapes what he considers to be " beauty " ) and refusing to be docile in family affairs . his new attitude further alienates his daughter , only reassuring her that her parents are nothing more than freaks of nature unjustly forced on her by the powers that be , and inspiring her to enter a relationship with her eccentric neighbor . and the burnhams's neighbors provide american beauty with a significant chunk of its dramatic momentum . ricky fitts ( wes bentley ) serves as the film's thematic center , providing the obscure , powerful meaning of the title . colonel fitts , the father , is one of the most fascinating and complex characters in the movie , even considering his limited screentime . kevin spacey has never been better , and this performance will certainly earn him a chance to put a little gold person on his mantel . he never plays his droll character as a freak , rather , he effectively portrays him as a normal person led to drastic self-exploration by his dissatisfaction with life . spacey is poignant and devastating in the role of a lifetime . equally astonishing is young thora birch , who plays her potentially stereotypical rebellious teen character with suprising feeling and tenderness . at two hours and ten minutes , american beauty didn't feel nearly long enough . it's a complicated , unforgettable film that , like the ice storm two years ago , dares to explore the darkest reaches of suburban life . powerfully and cynically , it dissects the notion of the pretty house with the white picket fence and appealing garden being the american dream . it claims that this picture-perfect image is just that -- an image , and hiding behind it are lives much darker than common knowledge would have it . the dark , deeply ironic ending , though given away by our narrator in the first few minutes of the movie , stays with you for weeks after it's all over . american beauty is just the kind of uncompromising film hollywood needs every now and then to counterbalance the mindless drivel we see released ; even more so considering it's a masterpiece . 'pleasantville' ( 1998 ) taps into hollywood's lack of integrity with subtle messages that can be easily missed ( www . pleasantville . com ) april 2 , 1999 ( friday ) cast : tobey maguire , reese witherspoon , william h . macy , joan allen , j . t . walsh , jeff daniels mpaa rating : pg-13 for sexual content and thematic elements genre : drama in my opinion : in short : it takes a lot of careful observation to see the true morals and lessons brought out in this film ; one can easily be misled as to what the real message is . review : in a literally colorless world with an almost mechanical population , there is no room for transitioning variety or even the customary happenings of everyday life , such as rain , fire , or emotions . the town of pleasantville has one adjective : pleasant . there is no sadness , no fear , no danger , no discomfort , no love , and no hate . put simply , it's a place alanis morissette could really work wonders for . j one big note however is that it is only a 50's sitcom that airs in reruns on an " oldies " tv station ? or is it ? i had waited months to see this movie and after doing so on opening day i was not disappointed . i found it quite intriguing and delightful and went back 3 more times in the period it endured at the box office . but it wasn't until months later , when i slipped in for a small showing in one of those crummy " dollar theaters " after not having seen it for so long , that my eyes were opened to such a deeper meaning and perspective than i had previously experienced . it is a far too feasible misconception that this is a film which forwards the idea that a world without some " healthy " immorality is not a world at all . instead , the actual message , which so far has not been recognized by many viewers that i know of , is that a world without immorality doesn't give one the ability to discern right and wrong for himself , because everything is automatically right . there is no room for mistakes and growth and learning because there are no mistakes to be made , no space for growth , and never anything new to learn , and that is the key component to the entire purpose of the story . now i'm not saying that's necessarily the way it was intended to be interpreted , but that is hands down the proper way in which it should be . besides a hidden symbolic depth and themes that go beyond what we can absorb from previews , this film has elements of physical wonder and strength that make it just so great to watch . the visual effects are indeed striking and what little color is revealed is impartially favorable . after spending the bulk of the movie staring at black and white , it's hard not to identify and appreciate the fact that our own world allows for all that brilliance and more . a truly intelligent addition to it all , however , is the charming and ardently attainable cast that operates together like clockwork . that said , the plot goes as such . david and jennifer are two very 90's high school twins with the typical " relationship " outline of don't-mess-with-my-life-and-i-won't-mess-with-yours . they demonstrate the well-known teenage qualities of two of the common versions of adolescents today . david is the shyer , subtler twin who would rather watch tv land than mtv , while jennifer is the wild , licentious one who spends her days at the mall and relishes in the pleasures of the offensive world of degradation . but when a freak accident enchantingly plops them smack dab in the middle of pleasantville as two of the main characters , they are forced to depend on each other to make it back home . nevertheless , jennifer works her magic and introduces the town to a more unrestrained approach to life , and while david frantically tries to stop her and get them back home , he realizes that change was exactly what the town needed . and , as said earlier , not to flip the town around into some corrupt society , but rather to give people the choice to decide between good and bad and to reap the results of their decisions and learn from them . not only were difficult choices being brought upon the town , but the simple accepted occurrences of ordinary existence also began to take place . people got hurt . they cried . they became afraid and happy and thoughtful and started to think for themselves , and that's when their physical world turned colors as well . this can be looked upon as quite a controversial movie , but to me the message is finally clear . i hope after reading this people can be more open to the film than they had been in the past , and realize that without choosing how our own lives will be run , we'll never know what we could have done better . until the next great movie i see , i remain sincerely , danielle flynn , imr note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . east meets west in mulan , the latest installment in disney's parade of annual animated feature films . an odd fusion of ancient asian traditions and disconcerting elements which betray obvious mass-market commercial sensibilities , this confident entry is easily the most engaging and satisfying hollywood animated feature in years , but falls short of actualizing its potential . though not for lack of trying . in many respects , mulan is among disney's most mature efforts , skirting the surface of adult themes and daring to sneak glimpses into the messier side of combat . the violence of the battles in the film are admittedly sanitized -- the imagery of a pillaged village , neatly encapsulated in the form of a child's discarded doll , is in itself no more harrowing than luke discovering his fallen guardians in star wars , and mulan's later heroics in dispatching of the ruthless invaders is done so in the most tidy , bloodless method imaginable -- yet how often does a hollywood animated film , long considered as the last safe refuge for the innocent , dare touch upon the consequential horrors of war in such a provocative manner ? in an instant , idealistic mulan's innocence is lost , and her jovial squadron are reminded of what their efforts are spent defending . the film , based upon an ancient chinese fable , centers on a spirited young woman who disguises herself as a man in order to serve as her family's obligatory conscript when china finds itself under attack by huns ( cartoonishly depicted by easy demonic overtones , replete with glowing yellow eyes and dagger-edged teeth , although lent a surprisingly genuine sense of menace ) . dipping into the mythology of other cultures for the first time after cavorting in animated revisitings of familiar western / european fables and literature for decades , disney's new film is boldly set in ancient china rather than relocated elsewhere , story intact , to some neutral territory , and revels in its east asian roots ; aside from a predominantly asian-american cast providing the film's vocal work , there's liberal usage of oriental iconography throughout , and the artwork reveal hints of japanese anime influence . while the film does occasionally reach its limits and starts to tread upon old stereotypes -- invoking pseudo-asian references to items like beancurd and rice in every third sentence grows rather hoary , and i can't imagine that the regiment for ancient chinese warriors * really * included karate-chopping blocks of stone in two -- it's rather remarkable that a movie primarily positioned for american and european audiences delves so wholeheartedly into new foreign territory . the film also freely touches upon cultural idiosyncrasies from its outset ; although savvy viewers should easily pick up on the intrinsics immediately , it's startlingly assertive in providing as little shorthand as it does to unfamiliar youngsters with regards to the customs and traditions of mulan's land . at its core , the film is a tale of heroic adventure , and as such paints its story in bold strokes of honour , perseverance , nobility and courage . as such , animation is the perfect vehicle for this flavour of epic , where stark emotional simplicity is able to effectively work hand-in-hand with visual purity . scenes which would play out as unbearably hokey in live action , such as mulan's venerable father pridefully tossing aside his cane when accepting his draft notice , are lent a sense of strength and conveyed with greater emotional clarity in animation . mulan capitalizes on this during its strongest moments , particularly during our heroine's character-defining opening half-hour . it's when the film attempts to integrate the traditional mainstays of recent hollywood animation -- the friendly animal sidekick , the colourful array of supporting characters -- into the mix where it goes slightly awry . off to battle , mulan finds herself being trailed by a jive-talking diminutive dragon called mushu and an agreeable little " lucky " cricket , who ostensibly appear to assist in her subterfuge and realistically serve as audience-friendly comic relief . they're affable presences , and not precisely ineffective -- reasonable amounts of humour are elicited , and eddie murphy ( who voices mushu ) is amusingly earnest -- but amidst all the high melodrama , the effect is mildly jarring and , from a storytelling perspective , questionable in its necessity . at training camp , mulan antagonizes and eventually wins over a trio of fumbling recruits ( easily characterized simply as the short clown , the skinny clown , and the big clown ) , who provide more levity into the film with decidedly less effectiveness , and , in a familiar retread of traditional disney patterns , she grows a certain fondness for a handsome , square-jawed young captain , shang . everybody needs love , even ancient chinese warrior princesses , but not necessarily in * this * film . the romantic angle , which lets the air out of the sails of the story's neo-feminist underpinnings , lacks any genuine spark and plays out like a contractual obligation . another staple of recent disney animated films , a cache of hummable little ditties , has also obligingly been carried over to mulan but proves to be a decided weakness . composed by matthew wilder , none of the handful of tunes are particularly distinguishing , and one -- " i'll make a man out of you " ( unimaginatively accompanying a tired montage featuring our crew of characters transforming into lean fighting machines ) -- becomes so grating and hackneyed that it seems almost interminable . only " reflections " , an early ballad of lament , proves to be a song of any consequence , serving as an effective showcase for lea salonga , one of musical theatre's most wondrously pure voices . nonetheless , mulan is an especially appealing piece of work from the disney factory , with a strong narrative arc and pleasant artwork ; the computer-generated stampede of hun warriors charging down a snow mountain is wholly impressive . while the blatantly child-friendly elements at times seem incongruous with the remainder of the film , they're not dissuasive and remain fairly enjoyable . briskly paced with a smart , energetic heroine and filled with high adventure , the film is ultimately most satisfying on the intimate scale of father and daughter . plot : a big-time momma's boy can't seem to leave his mother's crib and make good on the babies that he himself has produced in the world . he visits his kids ( and their mommas ) every now and then , but his main goal in life is . . . well , he doesn't have any goals . then one day , his mother gets an ex-gangsta boyfriend and suddenly he isn't as welcome anymore in his own house . it isn't long after that , that his girlfriends start realizing what a jerk he really is and well . . . it's either time to grow up or bow down ! critique : first things first ! this movie ain't about the " hood " at all , it's an intelligent film about love , relationships , family , friendship , maturity and growing up . do not avoid this film because you think it's about gangbangers and stuff , because it isn't at all . it's about you , it's about me , it's about your girlfriend , your mother , your problems and your inability to face up to your responsibilities and to , well . . . grow up ! this is an extremely well-written film , with some of the most developed characters that i've seen on the screen all year , with superb acting performances to match . granted , the film does start a little slow ( and go a little long ) , but hang in there , because once you appreciate and get to know all of its characters , you will be glad that you did . this isn't a kid's movie . this is about the step that you need to take in order to pass into full " adulthood " and some might not appreciate the grander theme behind that step . i certainly did , because i too passed , and am passing , through many of these very same things right now ( yeah , yeah , i still live with my momma ! ! ) and related to a lot of the events that went down in this flick ( oh yeah , and for the record , i'm not black but that made absolutely zero difference in this case ) . but that's not even half the story . you see , the film is damn funny , too . . . and i mean , damn funny ! i was crackin' up at almost every other scene , and they weren't " set-up jokes " like your typical comedies either , just day-to-day things that we could all relate to ( like the scene in which ving rhames is " drinking koolaid " in the kitchen and his infamously improvised " african squat f * * k " scene , which you just gotta see to believe ! ) and there are the performances , too . ving rhames , now here's a man who has already established an early lead in the race for best supporting actor at the end of this year . damn dude , you scared the shit outta me ! tyrese gibson , i have no idea where this guy came from ( an r&b singer and mtv vj , you say . . . hmmmm ? ) , but other than his uncanny resemblance to taye diggs , he nailed this part to the tee . from scene one on , i was glued to his performance and sympathized with his character as he molded and shaped himself into the person that he hoped to become one day . and everyone else , too . gibson's girlfriend in the film , taraji henson , made me a backer with her many subtle touches , all of which helped raise her character several levels above the " typical " bitchie girlfriend that we've seen in many of these relationship movies . but that's the thing that i liked the most about this movie . everyone seemed real , the situations felt authentic , the characters all came across as people like you and me with issues and struggles and hopes and fears . i liked this movie a lot because it was masterfully written , wonderfully acted and genuinely entertaining to watch . and yeah , i even liked the whole homage to boyz 'n the hood that singleton pulled off in the end ( he called this movie a " companion piece " to that film ) . a very solid follow-up to an ever greater original , baby boy is a film to be seen by anyone who feels like they never wanna grow up . note : the guy who plays jody's best friend in this movie is omar gooding , cuba gooding jr . 's younger brother ( cuba starred in 1991's boyz 'n the hood ) . where's joblo coming from ? the best man ( 8/10 ) - brothers ( 5/10 ) - shaft ( 7/10 ) - summer of sam ( 7/10 ) - what's cooking ( 7/10 ) it is an understood passion and an understood calm . bud white walks into the home of lynn bracken , a prostitute " cut to look like veronica lake . " he's one of l . a . 's finest investigating the murder of fellow cop , and one of the leads takes him to her home . it's understood that he is quiet thunder , a guy who's calm voice is more powerful than his arms . it's understood that she's supposed to be beautiful , but underneath her face is pain and scraped out lines that say her life could have been so much more . you know without having to be told . " you're the first guy who hasn't told me i look like veronicca lake in under a minute , " she says . " you look ten times better . " he says it without thinking . like he knows without her having to say anything . white's face doesn't turn , it doesn't blush . you see his eyes , and you believe him . it's a perfect moment in a near perfect movie . l . a . confidential is the best movie of the year . it is grace and poetry ; a richly layered work of pure entertainment . it is a portrait of police and morality as it works it's way through characters that are so real on screen that you believe that they might have a soul . in a phrase , it is everything . it is funny , it is exciting , has enough action and adventure and mystery and grace and suspense . it is the pinnacle of a movie , a complete work , a flawless film . it's hard to tell you about the plot , because it's about so much more than plot . besides , there's too much to describe . sure , it's about police and searching for corruption and who fights for the right reasons and the definition of justice . but it's also about what you feel when you look into the eyes of the characters in the film . director curtis hanson has perfectly framed each character , letting you see into them , rooting for them one moment , doubting them the next . the actors work with their lines , but in this movie their most important weapon is their eyes . you can tell what each person is feeling just by looking into their eyes for one moment . russell crowe plays bud white , a muscle cop with a beef for wife beaters . his movements are fierce . when he strikes , you jump , when he's calm , you know it won't be for long . his intensity oozes out of the screen . you follow his character through the movie afraid of him , but in sympathy of him , because you know how good his heart is . he's looking for a way to solve crimes , you're just never sure how he's going to do it . his counter is ed exley , played with a chisselled face by guy pierce . you feel for him , for his character , because of all the cops in the movie he's the one that's actually trying to do the right thing by going by the book . you know that he must face the reality of breaking the book , and you love the way he gets there . i've seen l . a confidential twice , immediately after it was over , i wanted to hit the rewind button and watch it again . i didn't want the theater experience to end . it's been a long time since i actually experienced a movie , feeling like i got something after i walked out . that's why i love movies ; the great ones can be too rich and powerful to describe . watch l . a . confidential : after you leave the theater , you feel like you just watched a classic movie . that's why la confidential stands as the best movie of the year . l . a . confidential ( directed by curtis hanson . starring russell crowe , guy pierce , kevin spacey , james cromwell , and kim basinger . capsule : bleak and point-blank -- just the way it should be . makes its case with cold-blooded precision and intelligence . " serial killer chic " is a relatively new entry to the cultural vocabulary , and one of the more stomach-turning ones . i've never found someone automatically admirable or even interesting because they killed creatively or in great numbers , and because of that i had apprehensions about seeing henry . i wasn't sure i wanted to see the story of multiple murderer henry lee lucas portrayed as some kind of nihilistic hero/antihero . thankfully , that's not the way henry works . the director , john mcnaughton , took a small budget and a gallery of actor friends and created a chilling and intelligent piece of work . it doesn't provide cheap-jack explanations for henry's behavior : it shows him up for what he is , an unrepentant and un-idolizable man who killed when the mood struck him . at the film's opening , henry's friend ottis toole has a sister , who comes by to stay while she tries to find work in chicago . in a viciously riveting scene , he admits matter-of-factly to having murdered his own mother , and she covers his hand with hers . they are damned together from that moment on . henry and ottis eventually begin to kill for fun . the movie is especially good at showing how they seem to have drifted casually into it : there's a scene where the two go to buy a new tv . the pawnbroker they talk to goads henry with ugly words , and henry responds by stabbing the man to death with a soldering iron . no preface -- it smashes into us as suddenly as it does the broker . in a scene which many damned the movie for , unseen , they steal a video camera and film the murder of a whole household , playing it back over and over again for their own enjoyment . the movie itself , however , does not glorify the killings , but shows instead that henry feels no joy at his work , only irritation . henry succeeds thanks to excellent writing and direction as well as acting . michael rooker is credible as henry from the first frame , just standing there , and the rest of the cast works by being unaffected and casual as well . the producers had originally comissioned a slasher film from mcnaughton , but he decided to give them something more memorable , and consequently the film nearly didn't see release . the film does not glorify or justify -- it just shows us , with unflinching coldness , what henry was . i'm hard pressed to see how anyone can see this and consider henry any kind of " victim " or " hero " . then again , probably , so would henry . you don't have to know poker to like " rounders , " but it might help . that a great deal of this sharp little drama is set in the back rooms of new york's cardshark underground astoundingly doesn't limit its accessibility , even for those who can't tell royal and straight flushes apart . " rounders " ' success , then , is owed to its proficient cast and intriguing portrayal of a world not many viewers will be familiar with . the dialogue may be filled with terms that only true players will grasp , but you don't have to speak the language to understand the words - a statement that pretty much sums up the effectiveness of the whole show . matt damon , fresh off his " good will hunting " hot streak , is perfect for the role of mike mcdermott , a young law student with a tremendous gift for gambling . but after losing all of his tuition money in a killer high-stakes match with russian poker aficionado teddy kgb ( john malkovich , deliciously hammy ) , he shifts his focus to scholarly matters , leaving his true area of expertise far , far behind . things change , however , when mike's old buddy worm ( edward norton ) re-enters his life - it seems worm , just out of jail , owes a hefty sum to nasty thugs , and is counting on his friend's superlative skills to help him pay off the debt . that " rounders " ' story quickly molds itself into a conventional , predictable tale of redemption doesn't hinder its potency . director john dahl , infamous for his neo-noirs " red rock west " and " the last seduction , " gets extremely convincing mileage out of the been-there , done-that plot mechanics by trumping up the relationship between mike and worm . damon and norton bring so much to their roles that they'd be worth catching even if " rounders " ultimately folded , but the movie ups its fascinating ante by contrasting their wildly different ways of winning . any sequence where the two men sit at the table together is an unarguable highlight . if only the other character interaction was as successful , " rounders " might merit consideration when it comes time to number the year's best films . current " it girl " gretchen mol is sweetly appealing as mike's girlfriend jo , aware and weary of his seedy past , but her scenes with damon number too few to be very effective . john turturro's aging mentor and famke janssen's tempting siren , both interesting sketches , are hampered by the same limited screen time . and as a wizened judge , the great martin landau makes memorable a role that's mostly a plot device - he's on hand mostly to sort-of save the day and provide a voice for " rounders " ' moral . that moral , by the way , is " our destiny chooses us , " and it's something of a surprise when " rounders " supports this solemn proverb by eschewing the conclusion you might expect ; mike does learn from his mistake , but neither the mistake nor the way he learns from it is what it initially appears to be . in the end , " rounders " sees gambling as less a mere addiction than a potential art form , but the poker itself is only a metaphor for a much larger picture . the road to true fulfillment lies within the realization and exercising of your natural passions , the movie espouses , no matter what they might be . here , low-rent lowlifes like worm just aren't cut out for the cards . screenwriters david levien and brian koppelman entertain and educate in their quest to vividly render a culture that's often generalized by movies ; even complete poker neophytes should cross the line from observers to participants when the movie gets to its concluding game scene . inside every adventurous filmgoer , there is a desire to be taken someplace new and exciting , and that's the precise allure of " rounders . " it ultimately matters not that a few of our tour guides feel partially-realized or that the journey itself is cluttered with sites we've seen before , because the final destination is a satisfying one . in the end , " rounders " holds a winning hand . melvin van peebles' " sweet sweetback's baadasssss song " was a watershed moment in the history of american cinema and the black movement . it was released less than a decade after the civil rights movement had begun and almost twenty years before the rodney king incident . its violent and highly sexualized revenge tale of a macho black hustler fighting back against white oppression and winning was something that had never been seen on an american movie screen before . in style , content , and how it was conceived and produced , " sweet sweetback " was a cinematic revolution , whether or not one agrees with its subject matter . van peebles , a black american who first gained recognition by writing novels in france , built " sweet sweetback " from the ground up almost entirely by himself . because no studio would dare fund such a film , he was forced to raise all the money himself . the movie ended up costing about $500 , 000 , part of which was put up by none other than bill cosby . van peebles cut costs by hiring non-union labor and taking on most of the film's responsibilities himself . he wrote the script , scored the music , edited and directed the film , as well as starred in the central role . he was also a brilliant entrepreneur who always found a way to make an extra buck . for instance , when the mppa slapped the film with a dreaded x-rating , van peebles not only threatened to bring a lawsuit against jack valenti and the mpaa , but he also developed a little marketing scheme : he coined the phrases " rated x by an all-white jury , " which he put on the movie posters to help advertise the film . he also printed the phrase on tee-shirts which he had no problem selling . the storyline in " sweet sweetback " is deceptively simple . it takes place in los angeles , and van peebles stars as the title character , a tough male hustler of few words who grew up in a brothel , and makes money by doing what he does best : having sex . one day , he agrees to go with a couple of amiable white cops down to the station to make it look like they're bringing in suspects on a politically-charged case involving murder . however , on the way to the station the cops arrest a young black revolutionary named mu-mu ( hubert scales ) , who they proceed to beat viciously . acting out of complete impulse rather than political motivation , sweetback fights back and beats the cops to the brink of death . the rest of the film follows sweetback as he evades the cops on his way to eventual escape in mexico . although the repetition of watching sweetback run gets a little old by the end of the film , this plot allows van peebles' camera to roam the darker side of l . a . - the ghettos , alleys , and back-street whorehouses that other films had always overlooked . van peebles' entire point in making the movie was to secure on celluloid a vision of the black experience in america that other filmmakers had ignored . at the beginning of " sweet sweetback , " he offers this epigraph , which is a traditional prologue used in medieval times when a messenger brought bad news : " sire , these lines are not an homage to brutality that the artist has invented , but a hymn from the mouth of reality . . . " van peebles wanted to make sure that his vision was one of reality , not of exaggeration . of course , with today's abundance of rap and hip hop music that sings the same ode to black inner-city life , as well as films by spike lee , john singleton , and the hughes brothers , " sweet sweetback " doesn't seem all that revolutionary . it is important to remember that this film must be viewed in the context and time period in which it was made . at that time , " sweet sweetback " was so controversial that only two theaters in the entire united states would play it . distributors were petrified of a film that , in van peebles' words , gave the black audience " a chance to see some of their own fantasies acted out - about rising out of the mud and kicking ass . " of course , once it caught on , it caught on big . " sweet sweetback " is now considered to be the film that kicked off the blaxploitation era , although van peebles disassociates " sweetback " from other movies like " shaft " ( 1972 ) and " the mack " ( 1973 ) , because those were financed by big hollywood studios . " sweet sweetback " is also the only film deemed mandatory viewing by the black panthers . however , even if when viewed from an african-american perspective , " sweet sweetback " is certainly not without its controversies . when it was first released , an article was published in " ebony " magazine denouncing the film , while at the same time the black panthers used an entire newsletter to praise it . there have been arguments that the victory for sweetback is really no victory at all - beating cops and then running away to mexico is nothing to be proud of . others have pointed out that sweetback has little to say throughout the film ; he has no political motivations , and therefore the violence and havoc he wreaks is not rooted in fundamental beliefs , but in personal and selfish motives . still others point to the clich ? black potency that stereotypes sweetback as being good at nothing but having sex , illustrated in a scene where he gains the respect of a white biker group by bringing their female leader to orgasm . nevertheless , a movie like " sweet sweetback " cannot be made without conflicting points of view . it is a revolutionary movie not because it's about one man's defiance , but because it put front-and-center black issues that had never been dealt with before . until that point , american cinema was an almost exclusively white domain , and with the exception of sidney poitier , all black actors were relegated to specifically black roles that were important only in relation to whites . the fact that " sweet sweetback " was a movie by black about blacks , was something new ( in the opening credits , van peebles lists the starring actors as simply " the black community " ) . van peebles tells an interesting story that goes a long way toward defining the difference between " sweet sweetback " and all movies that had come before it . when the movie first opened , he saw it in a theater next to an older woman . near the end of the film , when sweetback is wounded by the police and stumbling through the southern california desert , she kept saying to herself , " oh lord , let him die . don't let them kill him . let him die on his own . " it was so ingrained in her mind that death was imminent for any african-american in a movie who rebelled against white authority , that she couldn't even conceive of the possibility that the film might end with his successful escape . and , of course , sweetback does escape , and the screen fills with the message : " watch out ! a baad asssss nigger is coming back to collect some dues . " beyond the political aspects , " sweet sweetback " is an entertaining picture , which van peebles always intended it to be . he squeezed every drop out of his limited budget , and produced a film that , although dated now , was technically fantastic at the time . he shot in rough , documentary-like fashion , while also utilizing almost every visual and aural trick his technology would allow him . he makes good use of older techniques like split screens , freeze frames , reversed color schemes , and overlapping images . the only time the film ever looks bad is during the night sequences , because van peebles simply did not have the needed equipment . watching " sweet sweetback " more than twenty-five years after its initial release , one realizes that it still has bite . arguments can be made that race relations in the united states have made quantum leaps since the early seventies , but there are still problems that are reflected in this film . but there is more to the film than its racial aspect . the legacy of " sweet sweetback's baadasssss song " is not only the plentiful amount of art and music told from the african-american perspective , but more importantly , the work of every artist who has fought to fund and produce that which is important to him . there seem to be two reactions to dark city . you either love it or you are unimpressed . count me as a " love it . " as good as the crow and spawn are , dark city is better . where the former two have a specific comic-book following , the latter is an original work with the potential for broader appeal . it has a similar look to the others , but dark city is much more thoughtful and much less violent . not clever or complex , the story is still fascinating , like a selection from the twilight zone . a man ( rufus sewell ) is awakened in his bathtub by a man with a syringe . surprised , the attacker runs off . the dazed man gets out of the tub and finds a woman's body in the room . a mysterious caller warns him to leave the apartment immediately , so he packs some clothes and leaves , never sure why he's leaving or what he's fleeing . ghoulish figures in long coats recognize the man and chase him through the dark city , hounding him like figures in a nightmare . an odd blast of willpower allows the man to dream himself free from his pursuers long enough to check his i . d . the amnesiac learns that he is not dreaming and that his name is john murdoch . now if only he could remember the rest of his life . . . . dark city is good on many levels . first , the look of the movie is excellent . give credit to production designers george liddle and patrick tatopolous for creating a coherent look from diverse elements . there are visual elements from the american 1920s-60s , mixed with dickens-era urban industrial elements . it is all pulled together in a sad , dark look reminiscent of the diner in edward hopper's painting , nighthawks . proyas' use of models gives an appropriately eerie unreality to the film's world ( for not only does the audience see the city a model , but so do the ghouls ) . the look is like a cross between tim burton's batman and the bleak animation of the brothers quay . second , the editing of the film is good . the pacing is on track , and the plot is revealed , the " amnesia " explained , in satisfying increments . also , the stylized editing within each scene gives the movie a tense , caffeinated look . third , the special effects are well used . they look good , but more importantly , the right effects are used for the right job . one example stands out in my mind : the coated figures who haunt the city can attack telekinetically . a simple ripple effect is used . a more showy effect could have been chosen , but then it would have just been gratuitous . restraint was shown where necessary , letting the more critical effects look more impressive . finally , like gattaca , dark city spends a just a little effort striving for mythical significance . unlike gattaca , the story is just open-ended and non-literal enough to be successful . john murdoch's recovery from amnesia is tied to the passing of the night , and the hopeful coming of the dawn . his struggle with amnesia is both figuratively and literally the struggle of all mankind ( at least in his world ) . when we finally see the big picture of the movie's world , it is as mysterious as the iroquois image of the world being carried on the back of a giant turtle . a few minor flaws keep me from giving this movie the same perfect score roger ebert gave , but i do strongly recommend it , for its look , its pace , its story , and its timelessness . for the first reel of girls town , you just can't get over lili taylor . is it possible to remain unperturbed that a woman of this age is playing a high school student ? harder still , can you avoid astonishment at how perfect she is in the part ? with the sure , showy expertise of a de niro , taylor imbues unwed mother patti with all the faux fuck-you confidence she can muster . it's a deeply felt , dead-on performance , and by the halfway point you've forgiven taylor her own maturity . for all its verite pretenses , girls town is less about a bunch of high-schoolers than it is about a movie director and a cadre of writer-performers examining their own feelings about rape , relationships , and american womanhood . the movie's opening scenes sketch an easy friendship between a group of four smart/sassy high school outsiders on the verge of graduation : patti , angela ( bruklin harris ) , emma ( anna grace ) , and nikki ( aunjanue ellis ) . but about 10 minutes into the film , we get word that nikki has swallowed a fistful of pills and bowed out of life . the remaining girls manage to smug nikki's diary out of her grieving mother's home , and page through it at patti's place , investigating the root of nikki's despair . what they find is cruel and galvanizing -- nikki had been raped by an editor at a newspaper where she interned , and was privately questioning the sanity and value of a world where such a thing could happen . shell-shocked by the truth of the matter , the three girls begin to talk among themselves and come to a realization about their own lives . emma says she was raped last year on a date with a football player . patti's barely sympathetic , wondering what the hell emma thought she was doing with her shirt off in a jock's car . and anyway , patti's had her own share of guys who wouldn't take no for an answer . pained , acrimonious debate ensues as the trio grow more and more angry -- angry about the impossibility of saying no , and angry with themselves for being weak , for being naive , for putting up with it . " why do we put up with it ? " emma finally asks , once the argument has reached a fever pitch . " we try to talk about it , and look what happens . we fight for 20 minutes . " there's the admirable crux of this picture . girls town is a political film , in that it calls for action . but it's incomplete-it's never quite sure how to justify that action , or what form it should take . the trio become crusaders for their right to dignity , and it's surely one of this year's most stirring movie moments when emma lobs a concrete block through the passenger-side window of that damn jock's car ( doing the right thing ? ) . they hang out in the bathroom , chatting incessantly and scrawling slogans and naming names on the door to a toilet stall . " subvert the patriarchy , " emma writes , and then starts a hall of shame list underneath that other students begin to contribute to . the girls silence their hecklers , take revenge on the deadbeat father of patti's child , and eventually come face-to-face with nikki's tormentor . still , the movie has a desperately unfinished quality , and none of these subsequent exploits is particularly satisfying . ( you keep waiting for someone to call the cops on these brazen girls , but nobody thinks of it . ) perhaps searching for a resolution missing from the material at hand , the film borrows its epigraphs from audre lorde and queen latifah ( " who you callin' a bitch ? " ) . the points are well taken , but they should have been unnecessary . long on characterization but a little short on story , girls town is less than it could have been , and too self-congratulatory for my own taste . director jim mckay is best known as a consort of r . e . m . 's michael stipe ( he directed the nearly unwatchable tourfilm for that band ) , and girls town is his first foray into feature filmmaking . the movie was created and scripted by committee , but mckay and his lead performers had to shoot on a shoestring when , predictably , the group couldn't secure funding . then again , girls town on a budget would hardly be the same film . the movie's slapdash quality is key to its significance . truth be told , all three of the leads look too wise for high school , but that's ok -- there's a once-removed quality to their fine , spontaneous performances , as the women take a very skillful look back at the girls they once were , the girls they wish they had been , or some combination . for all its flaws , this one gets extra points for having its uncertain head and heart in the same noble place . " the fighting sullivans " contains a major plot development in the last ten minutes that every movie guide has seen fit to give away . there was no dramatic tension for me while watching the film , as i knew exactly what was going to happen . and that's the worst thing that can happen before viewing a movie . because of this , i will tread lightly so i don't ruin it for anyone reading this review , and it would be very advisable to avoid all other material regarding this film until after you have seen it . " the fighting sullivans " revolves around a family that consists of a mother , father , sister , and five brothers . the brothers are very close , despite the occasional disagreement . they are inseperable , and never stray from one another . their friendship and loyalty is the foundation of this picture . the first half of the movie follows the brothers as young children , and their various adventures . when four of them get into a fight with some local boys , the youngest sullivan , who is inside a church at the time , comes running out to assist , but not before properly exiting the chapel . if i'm being awfully vague about details , it's because what i have told you is essentially the first hour and a half . all i can say is go watch this film , because it is a fine portrait of a family that sticks together , through the good and the bad . and after you see the movie , you will understand why this review has been written the way it has . big courtroom thrillers have always captivated america . o . j . simpson , tom capano , the menendez brothers . all these names are synonymous to americans and courtrooms . and , of course , courtroom dramas are not a new topic to hollywood . whether it be john grisham's thrilling novels or television's famous dramas , the courtroom has always provided big bucks . so when i rented a civil action , i was expecting the film to be like the rainmaker , a brilliant law film that kept viewers on the edge of their seat . however , what i saw in a civil action was far different from what i expected , a major surprise , but fortunately , a pleasant one . john travolta always seems to come up big when you least expect it . no one expected him to light up the screen in grease , nor in saturday night fever . but , whenever he gets knocked down , he always seems to come back fighting . a civil action is not john's best performance , but a strong one that could rival any performance in 1998 . travolta proves that a normal and believable performance can vault a film into oscar nominations . his performance is not flashy , nor memorable , just solid . if he delivered the only solid performance , this film would still be average . luckily , he has a strong supporting cast . william h . macy is probably one of the most underrated actors in hollywood . he continues to deliver great performances one after the other , but he is still regarded as a secondary actor . in a civil action , he delivers yet another great performance as travolta's paranoid and greedy accountant . he is not a lovable character , but a character who stands out in your mind whenever you think of the film . he is not one of the big time lawyers , just a measly accountant . but , he delivers one of the best supporting roles of 1998 , but there is actually someone better in a civil action . robert duvall is also an underrated actor . he gets many leading roles , but is never heard when you hear of big box office draws like tom hanks , brad pitt and jim carrey . duvall has a supporting role in this as a lawyer of the co-defendant . duvall is magical in this role . he is the wise teacher , who not only battles it out in the courtroom , but also manages to teach every major player a lesson , in his own twisted way . in many non-comedic films , directors are always trying to find a way to implement a touch of comedy , to keep the audience on their toes . unfortunately , they usually just key in on one character whose main objective is to be funny ( jar-jar binks , anyone ? ) . however , this usually backfires because the character is never fully developed . this is not the case in a civil action . they have comedy coming from all sides . whether it be duvall's inane questions or macy's sharp anger , the laughs come in a steady pace . granted , it's not roll in the aisle funny , but it provides a nice addition to the film . the plot is terrific- somewhat . the setup is nice with the film actually starting with a victory in the courtroom . then the case that will make or break jan ( travolta ) 's career rears its ugly head . they find out the goldmine involved with the case and wind up taking it . however , budgets soon flounder and jan finds himself in deep debt . i will not spoil the rest , although i must speak of the one downside to the film . the courtroom debates are great , but the actual problem they are fighting for is never fully explored . it left me somewhat confused , although the rest of the film is terrific . all in all , john travolta is back yet again in this great film . his supporting cast , consisting of macy and duvall , turn in tremendous performances , which ease the load on travolta . the film is smart , witty and thought provoking . not only does it gauge in-court battles , but also the various tolls it can take on the major players . a civil action provides everything a drama lover craves . time bandits , from director terry gilliam , is a very different fantasy action/adventure movie about a group of time-traveling dwarves , led by randall ( david rappaport ) , who have stolen a map of the universe . this map contains time hole , that , if exploited , enable the men to travel back and forth through time . the supreme being of the universe ( ralph richardson ) is the former employer of these treasure-seeking bandits , and he wishes desperately to regain the map . . during the travels , he appears as a ghostly face , demanding that they return the map that they have stolen . but , according to randall , they are just " borrowing " it . kevin , a young boy who seems quite bored with his life , is unexpectedly brought into the schemes of the little men when they appear in his room , which has a portal for time traveling . he joins up with the men and becomes part of their gang , following them on their robberies . their first victim is napoleon ( ian holm ) , whom they rob during a battle that he is commanding . from here , the group travels to the middle ages , meeting up with robin hood himself . eventually , kevin is separated from the group and travels to an egyptian time where he is taken in by king agamemnon , played by sean connery . kevin accidentally saved the king's life , and the king wishes to have kevin as his son . but the group of bandits find kevin and transport onto the deck of the titanic . meanwhile , the evil genius ( david warner ) is watching the group from fortress of ultimate darkness , attempting to find a way in order to bring the men , and the map , to him . when randall learns of the fortress of ultimate darkness , which supposedly contains " the most fabulous object in the world " , the dollar signs seemingly appear on his eyes , as he is convinced that they must travel there . once inside the fortress of ultimate darkness , it is unclear as to if any of the men will make it out alive . time bandits is a fantastically made film that caters to the imagination of anyone . with a terrific soundtrack , courtesy of george harrison , whom also was an executive producer , time bandits is sure to be a very surrealistic , time-traveling adventure with unforgettable characters that is sure to entertain anyone . terry gilliam , however , does not utilize that greatly his trademark ability in moviemaking during this film , although this does not affect the film that greatly . and finally , if you liked labyrinth , you'll love time bandits . it seemed wholly appropriate that at a weekend screening of " the horse whisperer , " the start of the film was delayed some twenty minutes due to " projection difficulties . " robert redford's film version of nicholas evans' best-selling novel was supposed to have been in theaters last december , going head-to-head with " titanic , " but is only now making its much anticipated debut . this ( strategic ? ) delay has allowed " the horse whisperer " to compete , sans fanfare , against some smaller , unassuming movies during a relatively slower time at the box office . no matter . redford's film stands head and shoulders above james cameron's ocean-going tragedy , especially in the writing and acting departments . whatever the reasons for its postponement , " the horse whisperer " supports the old adage " better late than never . " redford has taken evans' book and given it the big screen treatment . while parts of " the horse whisperer " are epic in scope and vision , especially the aerial " travelogue " that maps out this great country of ours , its real strength lies in the subtleties it uses to paint the fragile alliance between man and beast . when her daughter , grace , is involved in a terrible riding accident , hard-driven fashion editor annie maclean ( kristin scott thomas ) devotes herself to rehabilitating both grace and grace's beloved horse , pilgrim . refusing to have the hideously disfigured animal put down , annie researches every possible source of information about equine cures before discovering an article about a faith-healing cowboy of sorts called tom booker ( redford ) , who has a way with horses and , perhaps , with people too . undeterred by tom's initial reluctance to get involved , annie drives grace and a sedated pilgrim across country to meet him , and finally persuades tom to work with the uncontrollable animal . redford's film unfolds slowly and lovingly , echoing the patience required in healing both physical and psychological wounds . the film's a little long and , even if you haven't read the book , it's pretty obvious where it's heading--but these are minor complaints . redford and thomas are strong and convincing as the couple drawn by a mutual affection for the great outdoors and each other , but it's scarlett johansson as grace who shines in a more difficult role . dianne wiest , chris cooper ( " lone star " ) , and sam neill--better than i've seen him before--round out the respectable supporting cast . and the director's respect for horses is clearly in evidence . one word of warning , however : while brilliantly shot , the accident scene , involving an out-of-control truck , is extremely disturbing . redford's canvas is huge and exquisite . he doesn't hesitate to incorporate vast , sprawling vistas of the american northwest : spectacular , snow-capped mountain ranges , azure skies , and shimmering fields of wheat--all are resplendent in cinematographer robert richardson's viewfinder . veteran english composer john barry was originally signed to score the film but left the project which is a pity , since " the horse whisperer " is " dances with wolves " by way of " out of africa " ( oscar winners both for barry ) . fortunately , barry's replacement , thomas newman , contributes a fine score that nicely balances the majesty of montana with the delicate , human conditions--sonorous , string-laden passages that swell with pride playing counterpoint to more poetic , introspective movements ripe with nuance . " the horse whisperer " is that rare kind of movie : it looks good , it feels good , and by golly it does you good . the wait , it turns out , was well worth it . charlie sheen stars as zane , a radio astronomer who listens for sounds from other lifeforms . when he finally gets one , his boss destroys the tape and fires him . naturally , zane is not ready to give up , and he comes up with an ingenious way to do this himself . he is aided by a young neighborhood kid and they discover that the sound is coming from mexico . so zane goes down there to investigate , and runs into a lady studying why the temperature of the earth has dangerously risen so suddenly . zane is having marital problems at the time , and an offer by her to spend the night with him is very tempting . hearing charlie sheen deliver the line , " i guess there is something to be said for celibacy " is the funniest thing i have ever heard in a movie since matthew broderick discussed asexual reproduction in wargames . this is just the setup , and i don't want to give too much away , because a large part of the movies fun is the surprises . charlie sheen , who has had a rocky career as of late , is in top form here . he is funny , serious , and determined to accomplish his goal . sheen's absolutely terrific performance is another big plus to this movie . the story is ingeniously devised by twohy , who also wrote and directed the equally clever cable movie grand tour : disaster in time . the films major flaw is a very slow pace , and not much happens in the earlygoings . viewers may be growing restless for a while , but trust me if you stick around and keep your head in it , you will have a good time . field of dreams almost defies description . although it's about baseball , it's not a baseball movie . although the film is extremely spiritual , it's not about religion . and although field of dreams is melodramatic , it's not a tearjerker . to really understand what field of dreams is all about , you have to see it . in the film , kevin costner plays ray kinsella , a baseball fan , '60s berkeley graduate , and iowa farmer . one day as he is standing in the middle of his expansive corn fields , ray hears a voice ; it tells him : " if you build it , he will come . " then ray has a vision and somehow concludes that if he builds a baseball field in the middle of his corn , shoeless joe jackson will arise from the dead to play ball once again . and even though it depletes his family's savings and his neighbors think he's crazy , ray clears away the corn and builds a baseball field , complete with bleachers and flood lights . " if you build it , he will come . " and lo and behold , shoeless joe does come--bringing with him several of his dead teammates . and then ray hears the voice again ; it tells him to " ease his pain . " ray thinks this means that he must travel to boston to meet terence mann , an influential and radical novelist from the '60s who has since stopped writing and dropped out of society . with great aplomb , james earl jones plays the disillusioned author who joins forces with ray and embarks with him on a magical and spiritual journey . the cast in field of dreams is excellent , especially kevin costner in the lead role . costner gives a quiet , subtle , and moving performance as a man who before building the baseball field had done nothing crazy or spontaneous in his entire life . costner gives ray just the right mix of enthusiasm and idealism to make us believe in his mystic visions and swallow this wondrous fairy tale . amy madigan gives a fine supporting performance as ray's feisty and loving wife , who against her better judgement supports her husband's crazy ideas . in her most impressive scene , madigan vehemently argues against book burning at a p . t . a . meeting , displaying the sincere passion of a '60s berkeley radical . ray liotta is appropriately eerie and awe-inspiring as the ghost of shoeless joe , the legendary batter who was suspended from baseball for his involvement in the 1919 chicago " black sox " scandal . and finally , burt lancaster is memorable in a small , but important , role as a small town doctor whose professional baseball career was limited to only one inning . field of dreams is a touching fairy tale full of life , wonder , mystery , spirit , and humor . it , for the most part , succeeds in capturing our emotions and suspending our disbelief . ray kinsella's spiritual quest in pursuit of his dreams proves to be moving and miraculous . but while field of dreams generally avoids excessive melodrama , it unfortunately does at times go overboard , and by the end it gets down-right sappy . in general , however , field of dreams is an emotionally satisfying fantasy--one i can recommend to everyone but unromantic cynics . making a sequel to a widely beloved film is a weighty proposition indeed , especially when the first film is considered by many to be a masterpiece . when it comes to living up to expectations , a filmmaker is almost doomed to some degree of failure . for a sequel to live up to or even surpass the original's greatness is very rare indeed . and whereas " babe : pig in the city " misses equaling the greatness of its best picture nominated predecessor babe , it is a worthy companion piece . more than that , it is a spectacular work of art that deserves to stand alone in its own right . " babe : pig in the city " warrants the classification of being recognized with such classics like " the godfather : part ii " and " the empire strikes back " as being one of the greatest sequels ever produced . " babe : pig in the city " picks up precisely where " babe " left off . having won the sheep herding competition , farmer hoggett ( james cromwell ) and his pig are elevated to fame status . a series of unfortunate circumstances and hilariously freakish events leads to mrs . hoggett taking babe from the small country farm into the big city . in doing so , the film transports us into a wonderfully imaginative world that simultaneously mirrors and exceeds the creative design seen in the original . " babe : pig in the city " flourishes where so many sequels fail . most sequels simply rehash the events of the first film . not " babe : pig in the city " . this is a completely original tale that offers up a story drastically different than the first . also , by not being content to utilize most of the old characters , this film gives us many new ones to enjoy . in essence , it doesn't attempt to copy itself . instead , it strives to achieve an originality of its own . and it succeeds . that's not to say the familiar is absent . " babe : pig in the city " retains some of the best core elements and characters from the first film . along with babe himself , ferdinand the duck comes along for the ride , as does mrs . hoggett ( one of this decade's best and most underappreciated comic characterizations , hilariously performed by magda szubanski ) . the three singing mice also make the journey , chiming in with their cute high-pitched vocals . the story structure is also similar as each segment is introduced with title cards read by the aforementioned mice . from there , we are guided once again by roscoe lee browne's soothingly deep narrative . composer nigel westlake also returns with his whimsical music style that is perfect for cinematic fables such as these . but these elements are simply the frame that surrounds an entirely new painting . while staying at the flealands hotel , babe encounters a veritable ark-full of new animals . monkeys , kittens , and dogs of various breeds and sizes are some of the new " urbanites " that babe befriends , as well as some wonderfully comical pelicans that ferdinand the duck happens to encounter . each character is distinctly unique , some of which are imbued with personal human-like struggles that are endearing and touching . and while this world focuses largely on these animals , we are introduced to two new human characters as well . mary stein plays the owner of the flealands hotel , an animal-loving young spinster who harbors these lost creatures much to the dismaying anger of her fellow neighbors . stein's landlady is a wonderfully odd caricature . we also meet fugly floom , an old soft-spoken clown who owns many of the animals in the flealands hotel , utilizing them as a part of the act that he performs at different parties and functions . not having known who portrayed fugly floom prior to seeing the film , it came as an unexpected pleasant surprise to see who it was . so as not to ruin this well-kept secret , i won't reveal the actor's identity here . it was a treat indeed to see one of cinema's legends grace the screen again in what was a superbly gentle and heartwarming performance . the greatest triumph of " babe : pig in the city " is the art direction . simply put--it bleeds creativity , taking the look of the original film to a whole new level . restricted primarily to a farm the first time around , this second installment creates an entire city , dazzling us with unique fable-like architecture . but the stroke of pure genius by production designer roger ford is his use of our world's architectural landmarks . designing a skyline that includes the statue of liberty , the sydney opera house , the brooklyn bridge , the hollywood sign and the eiffel tower , ford has created a singular city that encompasses all of our cities ( as seen in the film photo and pre-production drawing to your right ) . added to that , many of this city's streets are the twin siblings of venice's gondola-trekked rivers . the metropolis that has sprung from ford's vision is a wondrous sight to behold . it is a world that you want to walk around in . norma moriceau's costume designs belong in this world , vibrant in color and style equal to that of the ford's landscape . most of the costumes are imaginatively cartoonish , with the most exotically grand design going to that of fugly floom's clown outfit . andrew lesnie's photography captures these elements with various lighting moods that are beautifully effective in creating the film's multiple emotional tones . much press fodder has been made over the weeks leading up to the release of " babe : pig in the city " . reports stated that its original cut was branded with a pg-13 rating . these reports were discovered to be false as it was assigned a pg rating . but even so , to be anything harsher than the original' s g rating had many parents and fans up in arms . by deleting a minimal number of shots , " babe : pig in the city " was eventually given the coveted g rating . although appeased , many fans were still concerned that it would be too dark , fearing that the film may have come to be possessed by tim burton himself . well , to coin a phrase , the reports of " babe : pig in the city " 's death at the hands of a dark , scary , felliniesque interpretation have been greatly exaggerated . granted it has its moments of pseudo-morbidity , but all-in-all " babe : pig in the city " is the funny and charming adventure that everyone was hoping it would be . whatever " dark " moments it may have can be attributed to director george miller ( the " mad max " trilogy , " the witches of eastwick " , " lorenzo's oil " ) . having served as a producer and co-writer on the first film , miller moves into the director's chair for this one , putting his own unique sense of style into this budding franchise . the story of " babe : pig in the city " is an enchanting yarn , but one that doesn't achieve the emotional or character depth of the original . missing here is the attempt to broach such heady themes as personal identity , an individual's worth , challenging conformity , and one's purpose in life . " babe " dealt with this weighty subject matter , creating a timeless fable . " babe : pig in the city " should not have rehashed these themes , but i do wish it would have attempted to explore new ones . this film is not bereft of moral or message as it parallels such issues as urban strife , class differences , sacrificial courage , and so on . but this film's goals aren't as lofty as the first's , instead choosing to take a more straightforward approach , allowing its themes to take a back seat to an exciting , sometimes intense , fable adventure that is undeniably clever and inventive . " babe : pig in the city " also decides against developing a relationship to the level of which was present in the first film , specifically the one between farmer hoggett and babe . hoggett's love for babe , which grew ever so gently , is what gave that film its charming and endearing quality . best exemplified in hoggett's dance for babe , this moving relationship was truly unique . it is something that i wish would have been present again ( and could have through fugly floom ) , but was not . please understand , these are not negative criticisms , per se' , but simply statements of what i see as the differences between " babe : pig in the city " being a very good film and the original being a great one . but having said that , these observations are minor critiques at best . as an overall piece , " babe : pig in the city " is a thoroughly enchanting and entertaining fable from beginning to end . sure , it isn't a great film , but it is an excellent one that possesses elements of greatness . it is a film that is magical with its charm and humor , exciting in its adventurous exploits , funny with its dry wit and cute voices , and breathtaking in its presentation . " babe : pig in the city " may not be moviemaking at its absolute best , but it is on level of cinematic quality that is rarely achieved or seen in cinema . as a result , if you choose to let this film pass you by , you will be missing of the year's best cinematic treats . let me first say that the conditions that i was forced to watch the matrix under were less than ideal . so i have tried to be as fair as possible considering that my viewing experience was significantly less than ideal . i watched the matrix in a theater that is in serious need of upgrades at the best of times . under no circumstances , should it have ever been allowed to show a big budget special effects laden film like the matrix . this theater , owned by the parent company of one of hollywood's biggest studios , hasn't even graduated into stereo sound yet . the mono sound that the audience was subjected to sounded as if it was coming out of a speaker that was many years past mandatory retirement age . in other words , the sound sucked . as someone used to digital sound in a movie theater , bad sound doesn't do anything to add to a film . i'm not even going to go into the horrible splicing job that the projectionist did putting this film together . there , i've had my rant , now on with the regularly scheduled review . which sadly won't include commentary on the film's sound which i'm assuming was spectacular , but i'm just guessing . my guess on the sound seems like a fairly solid one considering the visual quality of the matrix . it is nothing short of stunning visually . sadly , the rest of the film , while pretty good , doesn't quite measure up to the obvious effort that was expended on making this film look so darn good . the matrix has at it's core a good concept , although it strays into the confusing side more often than i would have liked . keanu reeves plays a computer hacker who is drawn into the frightening realization that reality is just a hoax . it turns out that that many years ago the world was devastated by some sort of disaster . now machines run the planet and humans spend their lives in a sort of incubator , plugged into a computer network . the computers are generating a virtual reality world which is a representation of the earth before it was destroyed . the population of the planet never realizes that their entire life is a hoax and that they really spend their entire lives as comatose . that is except a small band who have discovered this horrible secret and have escaped their virtual prisons . they now spend their lives combating the computers in an effort to expose this lie . reeve's character , neo , is recruited by this band of rebels led by morpheus ( laurence fishburne ) . newcomer carrie-anne moss and one of hollywood's most underrated actors , joe pantoliano , join fishburne in the band of freedom-fighters . the action sequences are nothing short of spectacular . this can be attributed as much to the amazing special effects as to many of the actor's extensive pre-production training in martial arts . this lends itself to some of the best martial arts sequences that you are ever likely to see in a film . when you add this to some of the wild effects in the computer generated world , it all adds up to an eyeful . as i already said , the visuals far outpace the rest of the film . acting in the matrix is not bad , but it certainly isn't real good either . keanu reeves gives his usual fairly emotionless performances . although to his credit , it is one of his better performances . laurence fishburne on the other hand often seemed to forget that he was in a sci-fi action film . more than a few times he delivered his lines as if he thought he was performing in some sort of shakespearean drama . joe pantoliano was a little under used in this film but he made the most with what he had . carrie-anne moss turned out a surprisingly good performance for this her first feature film role . it's nice to see that she was cast as much for her talent as for her breathtaking looks . you have to give all of the main actors a healthy dose of credit for the work that they obviously put into the physical training for their roles in this film . it was clear that no small effort went into getting the moves down perfectly for the fighting sequences . i also put much of the blame for the somewhat strained performances in the matrix on the dialogue , which was terrible at times . in more than a few places it got way too existential for my liking and at other times it was just plain weird . it almost seems as though the writers were having a difficult time trying to figure out how to explain the concept for the movie . so they decided to make the dialogue as obtuse as possible so that no one could figure out what the heck they were talking about . thereby covering up any leaps of faith that they may have had to make in the departments of logic and believability . my other major complaint with the matrix was with the very unsatisfying ending . the setup for it was hokey and frankly used in many a bad film before . the ending itself was just plain strange . the main reasons to recommend the matrix are the visual effects and computer animation which make this a real treat to watch . while the rest of the film ( acting , dialogue and to a degree plot ) detract from the high production values , they don't detract enough to prevent me from recommending the matrix as a fun way to spend an evening . alchemy is steeped in shades of blue . kieslowski's blue , that is . with its examination of death , isolation , character restoration , and recovery from loss , suzanne myers' new independent film echoes the polish director's internationally-acclaimed 1993 release . language aside , the principal difference between the films is that , while kieslowski took great pains to draw us into the main character's world , alchemy keeps its viewers at arm's length . as a result , while we're able to appreciate the film's intellectual tapestry , it is emotionally distant . alchemy is divided into three chapters : " charity " , " faith " , and " hope " . while there are common themes and story elements running through all three , the single constant is the main character , a sculptor/russian translator named louisa ( rya kihlstedt ) . when the film opens , she's living with her painter boyfriend , whom she believes to be cheating on her . following his sudden death in an automobile accident , louisa's life is thrown into turmoil . events swirls around her , and she can't find a source of stability . in her quest to make sense out of her loss , she befriends her late boyfriend's mistress , visits her ill sister , and , eventually , abandons her old life by joining a " back-to- nature " cult . alchemy successfully explores a variety of compelling issues . in addition to asking the basic question of how a person should cope with the unexpected death of a loved one , it probes beneath the surface of concepts like the importance of faith in the healing process , the meaning of love , and the nature of art . does personality restoration come through interacting with others or escaping from the familiar ? are artistic epiphanies the result of focused solitude or of living life , with all of its various distractions , to the fullest ? myers' challenge is to make these subjects , art film staples , engrossing in a new context . through louisa's struggles , she succeeds . while alchemy isn't always emotionally appealing , it never loses its fascination . even when we're not connecting with louisa , who is often more of a locus for ideas than a fully-developed personality , there's enough material on-screen to hold our attention . the cinematography is stunning . city scenes are tinted with blue , adding a cold , bleak dimension to the film's early portions . later , when louisa reaches the " wilderness " , we're treated to a dazzling array of autumnal splendor -- brightly-colored leaves in the trees and on the ground . it's a startling-but-effective visual contrast that emphasizes the changes taking place in louisa's life as she travels the road back to emotional stability . the title refers to the practice of a group of mystical faith- healers who use " alchemy " to provide for the needs of the body and soul . and , although louisa partakes of their peculiar brand of medicine , it's ultimately love and companionship , not alchemy , that brings solace . her pain is assuaged only when she lets go of the belief that the inherent safety of being alone is life's ultimate goal . even though louisa's final transformation lacks the impact it could have possessed had she been a more vital character , it's still an intriguing and enlightening process to watch . alchemy isn't pure magic , but , especially during its best moments , it's close . who would have thought ? jim carrey does drama . when i first saw the advertisement for the truman show , i thought , " what a hilarious idea for a movie ! " however , it was an even better premise for a drama . the truman show takes us into a world that revolves around one man . that man is truman burbank ( jim carrey ) . truman has no clue what is really going on in his world and frankly , cristof wants to keep it that way . christof is the " god " of this made-up world . he keeps everything running and gives the actors their roles . there were a few attempts to tell truman about his world , but they failed and life went on as normal . the opening parts of the film introduce to truman's world . we see what he is doing at his current age , then we get a flashback at his past . it may seem a tad boring , but it is so intriguing that you will fall in love with the film right from the start . the film can be described in one word : weird . it seems like such a simple idea , yet it is something that a majority of us would never think of , but andrew niccol did . it seems like a warped idea , but it is andrew's idea and he did wonders with it . jim carrey actually lived up to the hype . the hype , whether good or bad , always focused on carrey's ability to do drama . no one doubted how extraordinary this film could be , the only thing they doubted was carrey . and he showed them all up . jim carrey was snubbed at the oscars . i do not think he was the best actor , but he deserved the nomination . he plays truman burbank , the unsuspecting star of the most popular television show in the world . he has lived a normal life for almost thirty years , but then strange things start happening . he ventures into the wrong elevator . a light crashes in front of him . his father comes back and is then pulled away . we are constantly teased with all of this and we know it is a show , but truman does not . and it is just a constant progression that never gets sluggish . carrey is able to shed his comedy to play a major role in a major drama . laura linney is magnificent as the camera hungry wife . she plays her role as advertiser and budding star to a point . peter weir does not make the cast perfect , and their flaws eventually lead to truman's escape . the story unfolds until the show becomes too big and everything crashes down . despite carrey's greatness , the best performance in the truman show undoubtedly is turned in by ed harris , who plays the " god " of truman's world . he displays the pressure he is under , the world he has created . he becomes so paranoid that he believes he is a god and that truman has him to thank for his sham of a life . the action moves at a good pace , and rarely gets sluggish . but , the main point of the film is how it looks like a television show . it really makes you think . maybe your brother is an actor , maybe your best friend is in heated contract negotiations to stay on the show . some of the best parts of the film are when truman ventures into the wrong elevator and sees cast members drinking coffee and talking . or when truman tunes into the wrong station and hears orders being said for truman's arrival . and when christof focuses in on truman and cues the dramatic music as marlon ( noah emmerich ) delivers his dramatic line . all of these ideas are just perfect for the film and extremely innovative . i was not only enjoying the film , i was overwhelmed by genius of it . overall , the truman show is one of the freshest and innovative films to come out of hollywood . jim carrey shows that he is not just a man of a million faces , but a legitimate actor who could go down as one of the best . andrew niccol is responsible for the screenplay and peter weir pulled it off to perfection . the truman show is a must see for anyone who likes movies in general because they will be thoroughly impressed by this creative film . capsule : this is a harrowing look at a rarely dramatized chapter of wwii , life in a japanese prison camp . to end all wars is a moving film about the struggle of prisoners to retain their humanity and their dignity . the somewhat religious interpretation may not be to everyone's taste . , +3 ( -4 to +4 ) more than any other people the japanese seem capable of acting with one goal and not letting any other consideration get in their way . this may be a holdover from the code of bushido when loyalty to ones master was the only law . during world war ii , of course , the one goal was winning the war . this led them to do some very inhuman things in pursuit of that goal . when the japanese had captured prisoners , they were very much treated in whatever way would be optimum for achieving the one goal . minimum resources were to be spent in maintaining prisoners in keeping with maximal positive output . while the germans , not known for their kindness in those days , had a 6% mortality rate among captured prisoners of war , the mortality rate of japanese prisoners of war was 27% . the best thing for the war effort was working prisoners nearly to death on the thailand to burma railroad . that railroad was needed if japan was to attack india as it planned to do . the best thing for the effort was not to waste much food on the prisoners so short and amazingly wretched food was the order of the day . and just being in the jungle without proper medical aid took its toll . in the public mind japan has never been held as accountable for war atrocities as was germany . filmmakers have been reticent to tell the story , perhaps for fear of offending the japanese . there are comparatively few films about the japanese pow camps . certainly there was david lean's the bridge on the river kwai . there were some low-budget british exploitation films and that was about it . then there were tv series " a town like alice " and " tenko . " lest the experience be forgotten we have a new film to end all wars directed by david cunningham and written by brian godawa . it is based on the account of ernest gordan who survived the horror of that world war ii prison camp and went on to become for 26 years the dean of the chapel at princeton university . the film while realistic shows the conditions in the camp as being considerably more brutal and sadistic than bridge on the river kwai portrayed them . the story opens with six or so soldiers being marched into the prison camp only to be immediately placed in front of a firing squad . it turns out to be a grim joke , one of many that the sadistic japanese play to amuse themselves . beating and torture are commonplace events . men already imprisoned tell the new arrivals to enjoy the last of their health ; it will not last long with parasites and disease almost inevitable . however , unlike as in kwai , the prisoners want to avoid going to the hospital , called by the prisoners the death house . so goes a war within a war with the prisoners trying to maintain their humanity and with the japanese trying to make them interchangeable and highly expendable cogs in a rail-laying machine . this is more than just a battle of who will win the war but a battle of ideologies . the japanese believe that the individual is nothing , that conformity to group's norms is all that gives a life meaning . conformity is purpose . before the film is over there will be some surprising revelations about the character of the prisoners and the character of those running the camp . if this story showed nothing but sadism from the japanese it would be one kind of story . if the british ( with one american , by the way ) and the japanese learned to respect each other it would be another kind of story . it is neither . it is a stirring and believable account of camp life . the color has been distorted in the film to give a washed out yellow . this serves a double purpose for cunningham . it gives an effect of technicolor film that has been left in heat . it also creates a distancing effect . the only touch that seems a little out of place is the use of gaelic music . this is a powerful and philosophical view of the prison camp experience . i rate it a 9 on the 0 to 10 scale and a +3 on the -4 to +4 scale . another 'independent film' , this comedy , which was brought by miramax for $5 million , is good fun . favreau and vaughn ( the lost world : jurassic park , 1997 ) play mike and trent , two everyday 20somethings on the lookout for women . the film just basically follows their plight on the lookout for lurve , and along the way we get to meet some of their friends , see their attempts at chatting up girls , and just basically get a insight into their lives . and all of this is great fun . swingers doesn't rely on huge special effects , or big name stars to provide entertainment . no , it just has a great script and superb little known actors . the script , by favreau , is great . mike is always missing is girlfriend , who hasn't called him for six months , and every time he meets a girl , he always end up telling her about the ex . the audience feels for this pathetic little man , thanks to the great script . vaughn is 'the money' ( swingers speak for 'the best' ) as the womanizing trent , always on the lookout for a new girl . some of his chat-up lines are awful , but he always seems to get the girl thanks to his 'hard man' nature . vaughns character also gets the best laugh in the film , towards the end in a diner . the conversations that go on between mike and trent are great , but it never quite reaches tarantino standards ( which i suspect the film was trying to reach . ) there are some excellent , laugh out loud jokes in the film , and some superbly funny set pieces ( such as favreau cringe-worhy battle with a answer machine that always cut him off before he finishes his sentence . embarrassing to him , hilarious to the audience . ) mike & trents friends are also good , although there characters seem a bit underwritten , and we never really learn as much as we would like about them . although this is primarily mike and trents film , it would of been nice to learn a bit more about their friends . they just seem to wander aimlessly in the background . but again , the lines they say are usually pretty good , and they do have some funny parts . it's just a shame that they didn't have more meatier roles . the acting is superb . as said above , vaughn is superb as trent , he's definitely the best thing in the film . favreau is also good , acting as 'the little man' very well , and the way he always feels sorry for himself is very funny . graham ( boogie nights , 1997 ) has a small but good role as lorraine , a girl mike finally falls in love with . she hardly features in the film at all , but she still manages to make an impact on the audience . swingers , then , is funny , but it does have some flaws . firstly , the running time is a bit too short . the film comes to an abrupt halt , and i actually wanted the film to carry on longer . it never really comes to a satisfying conclusion , which is a shame , as most films are too long ! also , this type of film has been done too many times , such as sleep with me ( 1994 ) . but these small flaws don't really spoil what is a funny , entertaining comedy . a frequent error is the categorization of a terrorist as a soldier or a common criminal . a soldier commits acts of violence sanctioned by one nation-state against another . a common criminal commits acts of violence for personal gain . a terrorist employs random violence as a means to a political end . if the target nation does not affect the desired change in policy , the violence continues . it is the fear resulting from the fact that the terrorist may strike at anyone ( even total innocents ) , anywhere , at anytime that gives the figure his label . edward zwick's the siege explores the possibility of this kind of violence taking place right here in the united states . you'd think the opening bit was ripped right from the headlines . arab terrorists kill american citizens abroad , and the u . s . responds by retaliating against the sheik whom supposedly ordered the attack . however , unlike the real-life tomahawk cruise missile strike against bin laden's camp and manufacturing facility , the film version depicts special operations troops kidnapping sheik ahmed bin talal . in retaliation , the terrorists bring the fight to the new world . unwittingly involved is fbi assistant special agent-in-charge anthony hubbard ( denzel washington ) , who works out of the bureau's new york office at one federal plaza . while investigating a series of bombings in the big apple , he encounters cia agent elise kraft ( annette bening ) , also trying to uncover information . generally , the fbi is charged with problems inside the u . s . , while the cia takes care of problems in the international realm . even spies from other countries are off limits to the cia as long as they are in our country . hubbard therefore finds it highly unusual that an agency spook is nosing around what he considers his territory , but as the two form a tentative professional relationship , hubbard becomes more and more aware of an increasingly complicated series of allegiances and possibly illegal actions involving terrorism and the united states government . the original tagline for patriot games was , " there has never been a terrorist attack on american soil . " however true , it was pulled before the movie's release because it sounded too much like a dare . revisiting the scenario of foreign terrorists committing acts of violence in the united states , the siege is almost an invitation in itself , because it shows just what kind of turmoil could be produced if an effective terrorist network were to set up operations here in america . admittedly , the terror wrought upon new york is a bit excessive ( who's going to believe that a few bombs are going to cause new yorkers to jump at the backfire of a bus or to curtail their shopping by two-thirds ? ) , but the basic premise is still valid . i liked the fact that this film rises above the basic action-thriller fare of good guy g-men against bad guy terrorists by exploring some of the effects on society and law and order . it provides a very possible hypothesis that violent activity on the part of a few arabs would escalate into a series of hate crimes against the arab-american population , and that in an effort to find the terrorists , the civil liberties of the minority may be violated by the government itself . in fact , about halfway through the film , when the president authorizes the declaration of martial law within new york city , the liberties of all americans are put at risk . although it may actually be a side effect of a terrorist campaign , the demise of social order in america is a scary thought and a goal which would not be beneath many international terrorist groups . throughout , the film maintains a conflict between hubbard , who wants to use the fbi to pursue the terrorists within the letter of the law , and general devereaux ( bruce willis ) , who is in command of the army and of the mind that the greater good would be better served by suspending the law and pursuing the terrorists more forcefully . what results is a fascinating debate over the appropriateness and constitutionality of the declaration of martial law and the invocation of the war powers act , utilizing philosophy and historical examples to make points on both sides . it actually gets rather heady at times , but it's a credit to screenwriters zwick , lawrence wright , and menno meyjes that they don't underestimate the intelligence of the audience . i don't know if it's his tone or inflection or something else , but denzel washington has a way of spitting out dialog that makes whatever he says sound great . this , combined with his innate acting ability and his experience in playing the mid-level authority figure , makes his performance in the siege convincing and enjoyable . annette bening gives one of the more assertive portrayals of a female character i've seen recently , and the chemistry she shares with washington is palpable . it's somewhat unfortunate that her character's fortitude is broken at a certain point , but it allows us to watch bening play a little more range . bruce willis is pretty much relegated to a tough-guy role , always standing straight , and with a permanent scowl fixed upon his face . however , the tension that exists between devereaux and hubbard is a major drive behind the film's development . notable is tony shalhoub who plays fbi agent frank haddad , a lebanese immigrant . the role calls for evidencing both a kind of filial pride for his heritage , and contempt for those of his own race who might interfere with his integration into the american society . difficult to say the least , shalhoub does it with a naturalness you can almost reach out and touch . perhaps best known for his role as antonio the cab driver in the nbc sitcom " wings , " shalhoub gained notoriety for his dramatic abilities in the wonderful film big night . whereas denzel washington seems to be edward zwick's favorite actor ( he directed washington in glory and courage under fire ) , james horner seems to be his favorite composer . i therefore found it odd that zwick chose the prolific score-writer graeme revell ( seven films this year already ) over horner for the siege until i realized that this film contained a lot of arabian-themed music , and horner's record has shown more of a propensity for scores either neutral in ethnicity or irish-sounding at most . revell does a good job at providing appropriate music to punctuate key scenes and allowing the score to enhance the movie as a whole . it's nowhere near as intrusive as in some of the other films we've been getting throughout the year . missteps in the siege can be found in a couple of the excesses it takes . for example , it's pretty clear throughout that the film is meant to be more of thriller than an action flick . unfortunately , there's a scene where the army just cuts loose against some arab immigrants in a blatant display of firepower and explosions , obviously meant for the sole purpose of being eye-catching . in the middle of the city ( and against no real opposition ) , zwick even has the army use a cobra attack helicopter to shoot rockets into a building no farther than 50 feet from friendly troops . verisimilitude really goes out the window at that point . the film also gets a little preachy toward the end , focusing on the ability of different races to get along . a noble gesture , the film just puts the message across a bit too obviously . these flaws are glaring , but they don't detract too much from an otherwise good film that makes you think about issues you may not have considered since history class . very few people would be unaware of beavis & butt-head ( both created and narrated by mike judge ) . they are the two animated mtv characters who have the most annoying laughter know to human kind . you may have seen them on their television program , as they snigger and make lude remarks about women , anything related to sex , and the music film clips that they watch . in beavis & butt-head do america the pair finally make their big screen debut , to the delight of some , and the deplore of others . beavis & butt-head ( yes , those are their real names ) , are two very ugly teenagers with extremely warped minds driven by raging hormones . they live their lives in front of the television . the worst possible event occurs to the pair when their television is stolen . this happens as they sleep , and when they awake it takes them a few minutes just to decipher that the television has gone . beavis even tries to use the remote , though there is no television there . the two spot a van outside and two sinister looking men carrying a television . even at this point they have no idea what has happened . they look around , seeing all the evidence , but are completely oblivious to the fact that these men have just stolen their television . before the movie i knew that they were stupid , but i didn't realise just how stupid . this is typical of their behaviour throughout the film . eventually they realise that their television has been stolen , so they leave their sofa to go search for a television . luck would have it that they stumble into a hotel room ( looking for a television ) where a man is awaiting two guys whose task it is to kill his wife . this man , thinking that beavis & butt-head are the assigned killers , tells them that they can have $10 , 000 if they " do his wife " . beavis & butt-head , being the ignorant fools that they are , think that he is offering them $10 , 000 dollars to have sex with his good looking wife . they are taken to the airport where they fly to las vegas to " do her " . to them , this is the best day of their lives . not only are they going to lose their virginity ( one of their lifelong aims ) , but most importantly , they will have enough money to buy a big screen tv . inevitably they become caught up in a huge crime , and unbeknown to them , are tracked across the country by the fbi . oddly enough , it is their complete stupidity that spares them from being caught , as a result the fbi is convinced they are criminal masterminds . they end up travelling right across america , visiting places such as the hoover dam and washington dc . the irony is that although they visit so many grand and spectacular locations , their one time out in the big world away from their television , they are completely oblivious to it . at old faithful they are far more fascinated with the infra-red operated urinals than with the geyser itself . beavis & butt-head essentially have the journey of their lives . they even get to meet the president . but all they care about is getting their television back , and losing their virginity . this is one of the many reasons that the film is so funny - it's unbelievable just how stupid they are , and how they can be so oblivious to everything around them . the humour is certainly crude , but then beavis & butt-head are just that ; crude , lude and rude . in the end you can't help but feel sorry for them , a pair of anti-social couch potatoes whose life is television . in this respect , and also with regard to authority ( such as the fbi ) mike judge is quite critical of amercian society . if you are easily offended , or find this pair particularly annoying , steer clear . otherwise , it should keep you laughing the whole way through . one note of warning : don't take friends who like to imitate beavis & butt-head . . . . . you'll never hear the end of it ! let me start off by saying that leading up to the release of the latest bond film , i really wasn't looking forward to it as much as i have with some of the previous films . i'm not sure if it was the fairly lackluster trailers or the ever-present dread that the next film will fall back into the miserable ways of the timothy dalton years . i'm happy to report that any doubts were erased after about the first 10 minutes of the film . by that point , it was evident that mr . bond was back with a vengeance . all doubts would have probably been erased sooner except for the fact that the first ten minutes of the film weren't exactly a pleasant experience . it seems that nobody told the geniuses working at the theater that the house lights are supposed to be turned off when the movie starts . it took a reminder from an audience member to clue them in . i guess they can be excused though , taking tickets and cleaning up popcorn between shows is extremely taxing on the brain . anyway , after somebody remembered what the light switch was for , i settled in for bond . i think the most noticeable aspect of this , the 19th film in the series , is that it really goes back to the almost tongue in cheek style of the roger moore films . there were probably more one-liners in this movie than in the last several combined . and bond's last one-liner in the film is about the best of the series . the world is not enough also contained perhaps the most action of any movie of the series . everything from wild boat chases to the usual assortment of cool bond gadgets trotted out just when there seems to be no way out for 007 . for the most part , the action sequences worked very well . although , there were a couple of times that i thought some things were a bit over the top , even for a bond film . i think some of the blame can be laid at the feet of director michael apted . while he did a good job for the most part , there were points in the movie , specifically during action sequences , that he seemed to loose site of the fact that he was making essentially an action film . most noticeably sequences on a snow covered mountain and one involving bond getting through a closing door looked like apted thought he was filming some sort of high brow art movie . he almost seemed like he didn't know what he was doing . but they were brief scenes and really shouldn't take away from the otherwise solid job that apted did in directing . if you have ever seen a bond film , you won't be shocked to learn that plot has never been their strong suit . the world is not enough is no exception . this time we have yet another over villain that bond has to stop for the good of the world . 007 matches wits with the terrorist renard ( robert carlyle ) , a man who has a bullet lodged in his brain that makes him impervious to pain . why this point is included is beyond me . they took great pains to explain his condition , but it only came up later in the movie as a scene that can only be described as looking like an afterthought . anyway , renard , like the typical terrorist that he is , is bent on some harebrained scheme involving a mid-east oil pipeline . i guess world domination just isn't as attractive to terrorists as a money making venture anymore . bond is brought in to protect the pipeline's owner , elektra king ( sophie marceau ) , who is the daughter of one of renard's recent victims . along the way , bond has to enlist the help of a nuclear scientist , dr . christmas jones ( denise richards ) , and his old rival valentin zukovsky ( robert carlyle ) . like all bond films , you basically just have to suspend disbelief over the plot , since it is ridiculous beyond words . my biggest complaint would be that it was about the most disjointed of any of the bond films . there was at least one point that i had to stop and try to remember why bond was where he was and why he was doing what he was doing . the buddy that i saw the movie with was completely confused over an earlier kidnapping of marceau's character . it was alluded to earlier in the movie briefly -- although not included in the film . later , it became a big part of the story and left him with the distinct feeling that he had missed something . but because it is a bond film , the beautiful women and nifty gadgets seem to make you forget about script problems quite quickly . after all , it isn't shakespeare . how about the cast ? brosnan seems to get better with each of his appearances as 007 . i grew up with the roger moore version of bond , so i really enjoyed the lighter style that brosnan brings to the character . judi dench , as m , had a bigger role in this film than in her two previous appearances in the role . she brought the talent with her that one would expect from an oscar winner . robbie coltrane was easily one of the best parts in goldeneye , so it was nice to see his russian mobster character revived in this movie . coltrane gets more screen time , which simply leads to him stealing even more scenes . then there are the bond girls . sophie marceau might be one of the most beautiful actresses working today . there is just something about her breathtaking eyes that makes her a natural to play the innocent victim . those that saw her in braveheart know she is more than just a pretty face . marceau may be the most talented actress to ever play a bond love interest . then we have denise richards . there was no doubt in my mind that she was cast exclusively for her looks . and after you see the outfits she wears , you won't have any trouble guessing what part of her anatomy caught the producer's eyes . i was pleasantly surprised to find that she really did a good job playing a nuclear scientist . admittedly , there was one point that the audience snickered a bit at one of her technical lines of dialogue , but other than that she stacks up ( no pun intended ) to her bond girl predecessors nicely . i must say that the biggest disappointment was robert carlyle's character . while carlyle did a fine job with the material that he had , his character just never worked for me . the producers tried very hard to add more complexity to his character , but it just never quite got off the ground . i guess i was hoping for a bit more regarding the whole impervious to pain aspect of his character , but the writers decided to play up the emotional side of his character . this might have worked well in another movie , but i don't go to see bond movies for their deep characterizations . last , but not least , we have desmond llewelyn as q . this is the 17th appearance for llewelyn as bond's gadget guy , and he is as good as ever . although his screen time has grown far more limited in the past few films , he is still a treat to watch . rumors abound that this may be his last appearance in the role . he says future appearances are up to a higher power . the producers have introduced his protege and future replacement , a bumbling and somewhat pompous character played by comedy master john cleese . while we don't see much of him in this film , i think it is fair to say that desmond llewelyn's legacy , whenever it is passed on , will be in very capable hands . so how does it stack up ? despite some problems , the world is not enough is a very entertaining movie . and , all things considered , what problems it does have are small compared to some that have plagued earlier bond movies . this is easily the best of the brosnan films . it may even be the best of the entire series , certainly in the top 3 . one thing is for sure , even after 19 movies , there is still plenty of life left in the james bond series . here's looking forward to bond number 20 . seen september 5 , 1998 at 10 p . m . at the sony nickelodeon theaters ( boston , ma ) , theater #2 , with matt perreault for free using my sony/loews critic's pass . [theater rating : * * 1/2 : okay seats , sound , and picture] modern society is now inundated with more sex and sexuality than it ever has been before , from teenage sitcoms to nc-17-rated films about fetishes . the biggest debate of the subject is whether or not it affects reality or just reflects it . " your friends and neighbors " takes a different approach as it's a film that revolves almost entirely around sex and how can be used for both pain and pleasure even within a small circle of friends . one of the most important aspects of the film that most be noted and analyzed before the film can really be dissected as a whole is writer/director neil labute's basic setup and some of the unique methods he employs to tell the story . firstly , and most importantly is the fact the script tells a rather complex , detailed story of lust , betrayal , arrogance , hypocrisy , greed , and just plain stupidity between six different characters ( three men , three women ) , without hardly any supporting characters , ( a few have a line or two ) , mostly extras . everything they do will somehow affect another character and ultimately come full-circle back to themselves , whether it be positive or negative . but to just state this is arbitrary , and explaining and criticizing the process is difficult . labute's ability to tell his story through a few characters is a remarkable feat , but what's specifically impressive is the fact the characters' names are never revealed until the end credits roll . for the sake of this review , i will describe the characters and refer to them as their main characteristic . another interesting accomplishment is the fact every scene takes place inside with limited focus . we're always able to tell where the characters are ( someone's home , the gym , a restaurant , hotel room , etc . ) , but what the city they live in , what year it is , what the society is like , etc . is relatively unknown . the film is a complete character study with the tight , intense drama of the theater . no one plot dominates the story , which makes the first act a bit tedious for its lack of background . we're simply dropped in on the characters' lives and are expected to figure out the rest . the characters are a group of middle-class white people who are all successful at what they do , but they're only concern right now seems to be their sex lives . first there's barry ( eckhart ) and mary ( brenneman ) , a married couple who are going through a dry spell not unlike many other couples in other situations who don't know what they're problem is . barry is kind of a dorky businessman who loves his wife , and the sex they have , but doesn't have a lot of ambition - he just follows everyone else . mary is a writer of some sort , but lacks aggression and emotion like her husband and is the meekness character , but ironically , doesn't hesitate to commit adultery just to feel something . labute's script does a good job in characterizing mary and barry as individuals , but is very light on chemistry and connection between the two . obviously , this is the theme , which is enhanced by the actors' good performances , but at the same time seems just a bit hollow . another couple is jerry ( stiller ) and terri ( keener ) who live together and seem to have been involved with each other for a long time , yet they constantly argue over anything and everything . their sex life is also fraught with problems and for some reason they continue to do it throughout their infidelitous relationship . if only one aspect of the film could use improvement , it would be this area . it's natural for a married couple to become bored with each other , but why would two people who can barely stand each other continue to have sex and live together ? what did they ever see in the other person to begin with ? labute never really answers , but since the film is more concerned with the payoff than the process , it still makes for good drama , tension , and manip ulation so intricate and deceitful it's fascinating . two other characters act as catalysts , cary ( jason patric ) and cheri ( natassja kinski ) . cary is an arrogant , hostile sex-maniac who defines the word " bastard . " somehow he is able to bend women to his will , either through charm or just attitude , into getting his way . he's the kind of guy everyone should stay away from as we realize he's secretly perverted , but somehow barry finds comfort in his company , although jerry is always nervous around him . patric gives an outstanding performance , so much so that we want to know more about him despite how intimidating and unlikable he is . cheri is a character labute uses as a catalyst to see how the other characters react to her . she works in an art museum and at some point throughout the film , each character will engage her in almost the exact same conversation and her reaction is always different , from becoming involved in a relationship with one , to brushing it off as small talk with another , to being outright appalled by yet another . she's a sweet woman , perhaps the most normal of any of the characters , and although her symbolism is obvious , her role as the outsider is the most relatable . i will not reveal who cheats on who and how each character is specifically affected by the others' action , as that's the hook of the film . the first two acts begin to set up the characters and each's scenarios , but it's often difficult to tell what they will do about it and with whom . the result is sometimes surprising , other times predictable , but the actual course of actions is always fascinating . for a while everyone has their fun , but ultimately each character's guilt , attitude , or ignorance will disserve them . one of the most important things to note is how realistic the story is supposed to be . since the characters only interact with each other there isn't much pop culture references , as almost everything has a deeper philosophy behind it . are we to assume that these people are , as the title states , our friends and neighbors ? i don't know of anyone going through the same situations as these people . often times the film is not unlike a network melodrama , other times situations are like those not seen outside a porno movie . but what this film does have that the others don't is repercussions in the end . although the film creates its own reality , it goes to show that even the immoral aren't immortal . in what way " your friends and neighbors " is supposed to work is open to interpretation . it definitely has a lot to say about the price that comes with infidelity , but it could have been even better had it expanded on that theme more specifically . still , it's an accomplishment in film-making because it has put a timeless theme into a modern perspective . the characters in " palmetto " collectively sweat enough to fill lake erie , and it's just the right way to capture the film's ripe atmosphere of sensuality , tension and even farce . this humid florida-set thriller nurtures a modestly absurd edginess that often winks at itself , which is very much a good thing since the actors and director are in on the joke . as far as set-up is concerned , the movie is nothing we haven't seen before , but be patient -- " palmetto " spins some pretty wicked story twists that we really don't see coming . it's not a classic by any means , but it sure is quite an engaging surprise . harry barber ( woody harrelson ) is fresh out of prison , where he's served a couple of years for a crime he didn't commit . even though he harbors animosity towards the obtuse local officials , harry's first order of business is to return to his home town of palmetto to be with his sculptor girlfriend nina ( gina gershon ) . while searching for work , he catches the eye of rhea malroux ( elisabeth shue ) , the mysterious sexbomb wife of a palmetto millionaire . rhea proposes a scheme that'll get harry $50 , 000 easy -- to play a small part in the staged kidnaping of her jailbait stepdaughter odette ( chloe sevigny ) . " you do like risks , don't you , mr . barber ? " rhea alluringly coos . boys , form a line behind me . part of " palmetto " 's success can be attributed to the performance of elisabeth shue , who demonstrates here that her oscar-nominated turn in " leaving las vegas " might merely be foreshadowing great things to come . shue's a seductive , campy delight , and pulls off a barbara stanwyck-gloria swanson combo with admirable relish . the other actors form a solid ensemble around her , including sevigny ( " kids " ) , tantalizingly slutty as a teen tease , as well as the ever-likeable gershon , cast a far cry from her extreme roles in " bound " and " showgirls . " harrelson is still doing fine follow-up work to " the people vs . larry flynt . " " palmetto " does have its share of grievances . harrelson's narration is needless , i suppose , and gershon's nina cries to be meatier than she ultimately is . one of the plot's unexpected angles -- that harry is asked by the police to become the press liaison for the very crime in which he's involved -- could have been played a little better . there are moments when you question the tone , but it's never so unstable that it deserves the reproach it's been receiving from most other critics . if " palmetto " didn't want to be laughed at , would it really have tacked on a climax that plays like a live-action " who framed roger rabbit " ? although a few elements can be questioned , the movie works well on its own terms . thanks to a juicy cast -- especially shue -- and the nifty material approach from director volker schlondorff ( you remember him from last summer's suddenly re-popular " the tin drum , " right ? ) , everything runs smoothly . and for fans of revelation-heavy endings , this film's got a few shocks in store that i won't even dream of revealing . " palmetto " is a generous amount of fun to watch , and that's all you need to know . " you've got mail " is the very definition of a " cute " movie . it's got cute stars , a cute story-line , and even cute pets . despite this over-whelming cuteness ( or maybe because of it ) , i loved " you've got mail " . i know , i know . i'm supposed to be a film critic . i'm not supposed to love transparent and formula pictures like this . but darn it , somewhere along the way , " you've got mail " reeled me in , hook , line , and sinker . the movie stars tom hanks and meg ryan as two somewhat unhappy new yorkers who meet in an aol online chat room and quickly become close friends , without ever knowing each others identity . as the movie progresses , though , they begin to discover that they have a lot in common with each other . meanwhile , in " real-life " , they are bitter competitors . she owns a quaint little children's bookstore , he owns one of those gigantic super-bookstores that offer impersonal service and discount prices . while his store threatens to run her store out of business , their online relationship grows stronger . " you've got mail " is as artificial as movies come . everything is nice and happy and by the end , all the characters have gotten exactly what they wanted out of life . there are no real conflicts , no major disappointments , no unresolved issues . nevertheless , i quite enjoyed it . in fact , i can't remember the last time i had such a good time at the movies . i think sometimes you have to be able to watch a movie and just get drawn into it . the fact that stars hank and ryan are at the top of their game does not hurt either . in particular , hanks is at his best here , turning his " charm-meter " up to 11 . everytime he was on screen , he had my full attention . and despite the fact that he was driving little bookstores out of business , i was rooting for him . it was good to see hanks back doing what he does best : playing the affable everyman . " you've got mail " certainly won't be winning any awards , but as an exercise in pure entertainment , it's as good as it gets . with the sudden liberal emergence of personal privacy abounding in the news lately , what with that whole clinton thing going on ( you know , 100 million bucks to discover the president got boinked by an intern - oh , please , government , waste my taxes just a bit more , would you ? ) , it's about time tony scott helmed the newest action pic disguised as an important if not slightly ignorant social statement . with this and " crimson tide , " he's created two successfully chilly films that are interesting , exciting , even pretty smart , but never totally riveting as cinema , and the problem i think with each of these films is that each film is too obsessed with its message to ever be really satisfying , and too obsessed with looking all cutting edge to ever be totally smart . that film dealt with a civil war inside a nuclear submarine over whether or not to follow rules or question them , and was appropriately scary and all , but never totally thrilling or overly brilliant . " enemy of the state " is the same way : it's engrossing for its entire running time , and it's scary the way that it shows a man's decent into kafkaism , but it's too technical . it's too cold and not as fascinating or exciting as it could be . it casts will smith , one of the better big budget leading men in movies these days because he's charming and witty and never uninteresting , and hopes that his charisma can make up for his character not being well developed enough to really be a person . i hate to do this , but last year's film " the game " got it damn perfect : it casts michael douglas as a deeply flawed human being , a man who is cold and has cut off everyone from his life , and then pulls everything he thought he had as a security blanket away from him and watched what happened . the result was not only a film that was exciting and chilling , but also the best mindfuck of the entire year . not that i want every kafkaesque film to be " the game " ( this year's " the spanish prisoner " succeeds with less thrills and chills ) , but it should be an example of what works and what doesn't . will smith's character is , frankly , too perfect , at least too movie perfect . he had an affair with another woman ( lisa bonet , ha ha ) , but his relationship with his wife ( regina king ) is basically fine regardless . he has a kid , and he's raking in money as a lawyer , albeit a very good and reasonably moral one . so he generally doesn't have any real problems as a human being , and is therefore boring . . . except that he is played by will smith , who embodies him with about as much will smith charm as he can without entering " id4 " / " men in black " territory . he's a good dramatic actor ( just see the first half hour of " six degrees of separation " for proof of this , not that he isn't great the whole time ) , and here , he makes his character likable and sympathetic without any real strain on his character , which makes the film lack any real deep interesting qualities . smith becomes involved in a mass conspiracy involving the assasination of a senator opposed to a government law that would create world surveillance , extinguishing privacy as we know it from the world , under the pretense that it would make crime easier to control , when he is passed a disk of the event caught on tape by an outside party ( a nature observer played by , uh , jason lee ) . the government wants the disk , and is prepared to destroy his life to get it . as smith's plight is dramatized , we are introduced to the masterminds who surveillance him , sitting in vans disguised as other businesses , staring at computers and pulling out tricks faster than a speeding bullet . these guys ( played by jack black , jamie kennedy , and seth green ) are the most interesting part of this film because they're , well , fascinating : they're doing their jobs , which are evil , but the film doesn't view them as such , and they almost become our friends . we like these guys for the sole reason that the film doesn't automatically judge them as the villains . they're also scary because we get the idea that they're not fully aware of the impact their jobs have on the world . it's as if they're obsessed with their jobs , not because they're evil , but because , hey , it's a fun job , and no one else can do it like them . unfortunately , this also backfires a bit on the film : instead of being the flashlight in the darkened room that " the game " was , you see everything , and are thus not as freaked out because you know what is going on . sure , you're chilled , but you're not exacty freaked out by what's going on . but what do you expect from tony scott , the man who never met a five-second piece of film he ever liked . he's a not-bad director because , hell , he is always interesting to watch ( if not occasionally moronic - exhibit a : " days of thunder " ) , but the reason he's not great is because he's too technical and calculated . his shots are perfectly executed , and leave nothing to the imagination , and they're always making sure you're paying attention . this is incredibly annoying , and it reduces " enemy of the state " to a mechanical mishmash of flashy images that never expand the mind at any great depths , but still manage to entertain without any real problems . despite never actually becoming great , it's never actually boring and it's always intriguing . watching the government set-up smith is endlessly fascinating , and since we care about smith's likeable protagonist , we are set-up for a good two hours worth of tom clancy-esque entertainment . add the best big cast this side of the annual woody allen film ( everyone from gabriel byrne to dan butler pop up for cameos ) , and you've got a good old fashioned escapist drama which does all the thinking for you so that you never have to actually question the debate over personal privacy and so you can follow will smith's plight without a minute's worth of boredom . mary norton's children's book series , the borrowers , has been made into several below-average television movies . so , i wasn't too enthused as i entered the theater for the big-screen debut of the minute clan . but i was in for a shock , the borrowers is actually a thoroughly delightful movie with plenty of good laughs and even some decent special effects . the lender family is being thrown out of their longtime home . their aunt , who owned the property , never left a will . now , an unscrupulous lawyer , ocious potter ( john goodman ) plans to demolish the house and replace it with an ultra-modern housing development . but the lenders are not alone in their house . living under the floorboards is a family of borrowers , 4 inch tall people who make their living as scavengers from the human " beans " above . the clock family of borrowers is as distressed as the lenders , especially once they discover the evil potter actually has a copy of the will which leaves the home to the lenders . so it is up to the clocks ( pod ( jim broadbent ) and homily ( celia imrie ) , along with their kids , arrietty ( flora newbigin ) and peagreen ( tom felton ) ) to recover the will and save the household . but when potter learns of the tiny people , he enlists the skills of exterminator jeff ( mark williams ) to kill off the clan . there's plenty of attention to detail in the borrowers , especially in the furnishings of the clock family house , made out of lost board game parts and credit cards . the background details are nearly as rich as the entertaining story . the various predicaments of the clock family are clever and thrilling . based on an original story , the screenwriters did a good job at imagining all the potential and unusual perils that could exist for a 4-inch tall person . as the villain , john goodman's performance veers on the edge of being over-the-top . but his performance suits the role well , and he does very well in the film's many slapstick moments . with a nearly seamless mix of oversized sets , bluescreen shots and cgi , the special effects in the borrowers are very well done . there are a few times when you can spot the effects at work , but none of them are so jarring that you lose the suspension of disbelief . hopefully the borrowers will surpass the curse of being labeled a children-only movie , for it is surprisingly entertaining and fun to watch . touchstone pictures and spyglass entertainment presents a birnbaum / barber production in association with a jackie chan films limited production jackie chan owen wilson " shanghai noon " lucy liu music by randy edelman co producers ned dowd jules daly executive producer jackie chan willie chan and solon so produced by roger birnbaum gary barber and jonathan glickman written by alfred gough & miles millar directed by tom dey rated pg-13 for mild language , adult situations , drug use , martial art action and violence . 107 minutes . super 35mm / panavision ( 2 . 35 : 1 ) what can you say about jackie chan that hasn't already been said . since the release of 'rumble in the bronx " back in 1996 ( the u . s . release ) , jackie has become a fairly recognizable commodity on america's video shelves . having made over 80 films , jackie has finally succeeded in bringing his style of action-comedy to the west . his latest release , " shanghai noon " , is a joyful tribute / spoof of the classic western . and by adding jackie chan into the genre , the tag line for the film ( " the western gets a kick in the pants " ) rings true . jackie stars as chon wang , a lesser imperial guard in the forbidden city of china . the royal princess pei pei ( lucy liu ) is set to be married to the obnoxious son of a nobleman from another prefecture . unwilling to follow her father's wishes , princess pei pei with the assistance of her english tutor , decides to escape to america . but this is all a ploy devised by exiled guard lo fong , which will lead to the princess' kidnapping and ransom . unable to take any legal action , the ransom demands are met and three of the forbidden city's bravest guards ( played by cui ya hi , rong guang yu , and eric chen ) are ordered to transport the ransom payment to lo fong in carson city , nevada . chon wang pleads with the imperial court and is given permission to join the team , as he is looked upon as a buffoon . on a train in the u . s . jackie meets up with bandit roy o'bannon ( owen wilson ) . he is much less of a bandit than he is a glory hog , looking simple for the notoriety and fame that being a bandit will bring him . with his gang in tow , roy attempts to rob the train , when one of his gang murders the chinese interpreter of the royal court , who also happens to be chon wang's uncle . chon wang gives chase , foiling the attempted robbery , but also leaving himself stranded in the desert . as the disgraced guard wanders through the desert , he again comes upon roy , who has been left for dead by his former gang . buried up to his neck in the desert , roy pleads with chon to dig him out . chon demands to know where carson city is . roy directs him , and chon leaves . but not before sticking two chopsticks into roy's mouth and telling him to dig himself . chon soon finds himself confronted by angry crow warriors , a friendly sioux tribe , gunslingers , a horse that thinks and behaves like a dog and an indian bride ( brandon merrill ) , before once again running into roy . " shanghai noon " is just good fun . the chemistry between the cast is remarkable . the performances are all acceptable within the whimsical levels of the film . jackie's performance is as good as anything he's done before . he's not called on to do much acting here , as the character is not written with any depth . but jackie's natural charisma shines through , and his comic timing is so perfect , both physically and ( surprise ) verbally that once again he commands the screen whenever he is on . owen wilson , last seen in the embarrassing remake of " the haunting " , gives a good natured performance as roy o'bannon . his innocence is refreshing and fun . a bad guy that's not really bad . his scenes with jackie are some of the best bits of comic dueling since martin and lewis . lucy liu as princess pei pei is given little to do in the script , but for a change does not play a nymphet or some other deviant . the character is a noble woman of status and wealth , but finds a greater cause as a result of her own imprisonment . the rest of the performances are all broadly drawn comic performances . nothing here is realistic , mind you . " shanghai noon " is first and foremost a light , jovial film . and the performances match that style with ease . the cinematography by dan mindel is gorgeous . using calgary , alberta as the prime location . mr . mindel is able to create a lush , romantic western feel to the film . nothing here really looks like nevada , but the locations are so beautifully shot and staged , the film can be looked upon as a loving tribute to earlier films of the genre . and as such , the script by alfred gough and miles millar plays fast and loose with history , but with reverence to past films . homage to such films as " high noon " ( obviously ) , " red river " and most notably " butch cassidy & the sundance kid " all bring a sense of nostalgia to the film . it is a comforting experience . at a time when the western is considered either old hat or irrelevant , here is a film that embraces those old attitudes and ( dare i say ) clich ? s and manages to make them palatable and refreshing . here is a film that is not contemptuous of the genre . this is the purest " horse opera " since the days of george o'brian or john wayne . director tom dey has crafted a loving tribute to hollywood's past . in this , his first film mr . dey shows both a love of character and of craftsmanship that is refreshing to see . nothing here really stands out , or takes one's attention away from the story or action . and that is as it should be , when jackie chan is your star . and what of the action and stunts . well , while not up to a level of " drunken master 2 " or any of jackie's hong kong films , " shanghai noon " is miles ahead of anything jackie has done in an american film before . his timing , choreography , and creativity are still as sharp as ever . jackie even gets to recreate a few scenes from his earlier films ( obvious to those of us that have seen those films , but refreshingly fun for those unfamiliar ) . finally jackie can honestly say , that he has made an u . s . , his way and incorporating his style . to sum up , " shanghai noon " is a fun summer confection . not too heavy and not too light . a fun and entertaining film that the whole family can enjoy ( parents be advised there are scenes of smoking , drunkenness and peyote use ) . an enjoyable and charming film that can and will be enjoyed again and again . the reunion film is not an original idea in any way , shape , or form . it's been done throughout film history over and over again , and has become one of the many sub-genres , like the prep school sub-genre , the angst-filled teen sub-genre , and the slasher sub-genre . what makes " peter's friends " so remarkable is not how it doesn't follow the rules of this sub-genre , but how it follows it so well , and creates characters that i wouldn't mind hanging with . what are the rules of the reunion sub-genre ? well . . . . 1 . you need a group of friends , most of them married or at least dating , and sometimes even married or dating eachother . 2 . you need to have them brought back together over some sort of a crisis . 3 . they are not to have spoken together much since they split apart . 4 . the reunion has to come in intervals divisible by 10 . 5 . they all have to be slightly to highly neurotic . 6 . the reunion has to bring them together , seperate them with little crises , then bring them back together because , after all , they're friends . 7 . there has to be some sex or at least some making out either between the friends or with other people that are there or were invited . 8 . eightly , they're all unhappy or marginally so . 9 . there's some sort of sexual tension amongst some of them that's built up over the years . 10 . the friends are all wildly successful in the world of entertainment and the arts , sometimes internationally so . 11 . the film is filled with nostalgic radio hits from the time when they were friends , sometimes causing them to get together in dance/song . since it follows these rules so closely , it will probably be ( and has been ) coined off as just a " british 'big chill . ' " and in some ways it is . both follow the rules , as i said , and both feature lots of bitching , big confessionals , and broken relationships . but while " the big chill " was , at least to me , a tad too whiny and unsatisfying , " peter's friends " hits its mark , making this film funny , dramatic , and poignant . the friends of peter's were all in the same theatre group back in '82 , performig wildly outrageous british acts for people far too stuck up to enjoy them ( the opening scene has them all dancing in tux tops and tutus ) . after peter's ( stephen fry ) wealthy father ( richard briers , hardly on screen enough to register , but oh well ) dies , leaving a giant mansion to him , he has to decide whether or not to keep it . not sure what to do with it immeadiately , he decides to throw a giant reunion party , inviting back all his old chums . of course , all or most of his chums follow the tenth rule . andrew ( kenneth branagh , also directing here ) is an actor who's unhappily married to a tv star , carol ( co-writer rita rudner ) . maggie ( emma thompson ) is a successfuly publisher of self-help books , but looks like she needs them more than her customers , as she is lonely and unhappy . roger and mary ( hugh laurie and imelda staunton , who were also married in " sense and sensibility " ) are married , and are the most successful creators of jingles in the uk , but have suffered a tragedy as one of their newly born twins has recently died . and sarah ( alphonsia emmanuel ) is as promiscuous as ever , having a new boyfriend as of two weeks named brian ( tony slattery ) who's married and wants a divorce because of her , giving her doubts . as for peter , things seem okay . . . the film features lots of inner-friend jokes , and even some old theatre anecdotes ( which i at least find a lot of fun in , as i've done lots of theatre myself ) . and there are big confessions , brawls between the friends , and by the end , almost everyone is unhappy , even though some have resolved their problems long before the end ( which i kinda dug ) . the final twist would seem forced an anti-climactic , but for some reason , i felt the same way the rest of the friends did . maybe it's because the people in this film are so likable that i just wanted to join their clique . that's really what makes " peter's friends " so lovable : the way you just want to hang with a group of friends who can be so dysfuntional sometimes , but when someone's in crisis , can come together wonderfully for one another . it's when you have a giant crisis like this and people want to selflessly help you out instead of subtely pushing you away that makes you realize you have true friends , and these people are true friends . not to mention kenneth branagh is able to make the film seem nostalgic for the 80s ( a decade i grew up in , unfortunately ) without taking us outside of the 90s . there are some 80s classics and anti-classics like tears for fears " everybody wants to rule the world , " but unfortunately no stupid/fun 80s songs ( i think if i ever did an 80s reunion film , i'd put some crap go gos song on , or at least some good old " come on eileen " ) , but this is the british 80s we're talking about . oh well . but anyway , the direction is pretty good , although nothing amazing . branagh's forte is really making shakespeare fresh and magical , but at least he's very good with making a less ambiguous film like this . the writing is good from rita rudner and martin bregman , with lots of good one-liners , and even some really bad but good puns ( to mock the fact that andrew lives in l . a . , peter , while cutting some logs , asks him is he has wood in l . a . , and andrew says , " no , but we have hollywood " - punishment like that ) . the actors , as in most speaking movies , are better than their material , though , with some stand-out performances to the six friends , as well as the outsiders like slattery , rudner , and phyllida law as the old housekeeper of the peter's mansion . a little note should be made about hugh laurie's performance , as he looks like he took some massive doses of prozac before doing this - i mean , i've never seen him actually act this dramatically . " peter's friends " is a really enjoyable film which makes people like me pine for some sort of future reunion , although i don't know what kind i'll have ( like most people , i don't look forward to my high school reunion ) . because of the way these friends are still able to maintain the same amount of care they have for one another and after such a long period of seperation , i just look forward to the day when i can have friends like that . once upon a time a solitary ogre named shrek ( mike myers ) was really annoyed to discover that his swamp had been invaded by three blind mice , seven dwarves and all the other fairy tale characters in the land , banished from their home by lord farquaad ( john lithgow ) . unwittingly befriended by a non-stop talking donkey ( eddie murphy ) , shrek travels to dulloc to speak with farquaad , where he stumbles into a joust and comes up the winner . his prize ? to save princess fiona ( cameron diaz ) from a tower surrounded by molten flame and protected by a dragon so she can become farquaad's bride . the ogre agrees to the task in return for getting his solitary lifestyle back in " shrek . " it took four writers ( ted elliott and terry rossio ( " the road to el dorado " ) , roger s . h . schulman ( " balto " ) and joe stillman ( " beavis and butthead do america " ) ) to adapt william steig's children's book . the bad news ? they've genericized an already simple plotline while heavily under the influence of william goldman's " the princess bride . " the good news ? there's so much wacky humor culled from both fairy tales and popular culture that this movie should keep you in stitches . we get our first inkling that we're in for a real treat as one of farquaad's men , intent on rounding up magical creatures offers 'five schillings for the possessed boy ! ' after observing dreamworks' rendition of disney's animated pinocchio . meanwhile within the castle walls , a gingerbread man being tortured by farquaad spits icing and yells 'eat me ! ' before breaking down and solemnly asking 'do you know the muffin man ? ' shrek , a green giant with bobbly antennae-like ears , is a grumpy recluse who really yearns to fit in ( although who could put up with his habit of making candles from his own ear wax ? ) . donkey is a hyperactive , endearingly stunted creature who can talk and , therefore , believes will make a great misfit pairing with the uncooperative shrek . donkey proves his worth sweet talking the princess-guarding dragon . the princess proves to be more than a shade offbeat after learning she's not getting the fairy tale issue rescue she's been expecting . when fiona's true colors are exposed ( including opportunies for some tomboyish gross out humor ) , a spark develops between her and shrek . the script's details are gleefully impish , constantly poking fun at disney from the theme park world of farquaad's dulloc with its turnstyle entrance and 'it's a small world' parody of an information booth to the blue bird which meets a most un-disneyish fate after duetting with fiona 'snow white' style . popular culture is represented with film references to " babe " and " charlies' angels " via " the matrix . " myers chooses his 'so i married an axe murderer' scottish brogue for shrek in order to give his voice some heft . while this may prove distracting for anyone familiar with that film , overall it works more than not . eddie murphy steals the show as the fast-talking , motown-singing donkey , proving once again his talent as a vocal performer ( is it another wink at disney that donkey is paired with a dragon , a creature murphy portrayed in disney's 'mulan ? ' ) . lithgow's a good choice for the supercilious , height-challenged villain lord farquaad . diaz is energetic but ultimately nondescript voicing princess fiona . ( a better choice would have been minnie driver , who's proven herself a terrific vocal talent in such diverse animations as disney's " tarzan , " " princess mononoke " and the " south park " movie . ) the computer animation looks terrific ( particularly donkey ) , although it won't elicit the types of oohs and aahs of pixar's work ( " toy story , " " a bug's life , " " toy story 2 " ) . in keeping with its hip style , pop music is used , which like myer's voice may be initially jarring , but ultimately satisfies ( while surveying bridal candidates via a 'dating game' parody broadcast by snow white's evil queen's mirror , farquaad is told 'fiona likes pina coladas' - cue jimmy buffet ! ) . " shrek " has good lessons for kids and humor targetted at every age group in the family . while it may be derivative of the 1987's " the princess bride , " " shrek " addresses a new generation with similar sensibilities and doesn't suffer in the comparison . some movies have such an impact that they linger in your mind long after the credits have rolled , making you think carefully and recollect on what you have just seen . i finished mike figgis' " leaving las vegas " hours ago , and it is still as haunting as when i hit rewind on the vcr . alot of people refer to this film as " that flick where nick cage plays that alcoholic dude " . " leaving las vegas " is not so much a movie about alcoholism as it is a story about two people who except each other for what they are : a drunk and a whore . ben ( nicolas cage in possibly the best male performance of the past twenty years ) is the drunk . his family and friends have long since abandon him , and all he has left is his liquor . in a scene early in the film , we see ben staggering into a resteraunt , looking for a " friend " of his to mooch some money off of . he finds the guy ( richard lewis ) having dinner with a buddy and two chicks , trying to crack witty jokes that just come out stupid . when ben approaches the table , you can clearly sense that everyone immediatly feels uncomfortable . after lewis gives ben the money , he coldly says " i think it would be best if you didn't contact me again . " now even though through the course of the film , some much more depressing things happen , this is when i felt the most for ben . there was such a look of sorrow and dispare on his face , ( not to sound hokey or anything ) it almost brought a tear to my eye . it turns out that ben was once a semi-successful hollywood player , and apparently a pretty popular guy . now he spends his time getting robbed by hookers and trying desperatly to pick up women , not so much for the sex , but for the company ; for someone to talk to or spend time with . once he is fired from his job , ben decides to burn all his belongings , collect all his cash and relocate to las vegas to slowly drink himself to death . one night he runs into a prostitute ( a brilliant performance by elizabeth shue - how far she has come since " adventures in babysitting " ) named sera . she is involved in an abusive relationship with her pimp , a scumbag who gets-off by cutting her . they are both very lonely , self-destructive people . they immediatly hit it off , both of them realizing that they need one another . and it isn't even a sexual relationship . they don't even have sex until , like , the last ten minutes of the film . " leaving las vegas " is not a film about plot . with the exception of what i have already revealed ( which all happens in the first thirty minutes or so , by the way ) , there isn't too much of a story to it . it is more a film about people and how they react to one another . from what i can see , this is basically a perfect film . the direction is great ( with mike figgis doing a brilliant mix between the glamor of las vegas and the moody , smokey atmosphere of a film noir ) and it contains two of the best performances to come out of the 90s , or any other decade for that matter . but don't go rushing out to see this movie without knowing what you're getting yourself into . first off , if you are easily offended by frank sexual dialouge , stay away from " leaving las vegas " . it is filled with lengthy discussions of orgasms , rape and various forms of perverted activities involving burbon ( that's right ) . secondly , if you are not in the mood to see a very depressing film , don't see it . however , if you are cool with those two things , you are in for one of the most memorable experiences you will ever have . `run lola run' , a german import that gained a stellar reputation at the sundance film festival , is a dazzling and kinetic film that deals with the subjects of fate and chance . for a berserk and retroactive 81 minutes of non-stop movement , we follow a fiery-haired heroine named lola ( franka potente ) as she sprints to save her boyfriend from the clutches of drug dealers . lola has roughly twenty minutes to somehow retrieve 100 , 000 marks in time to save manni ( moritz bleibtreu ) from being killed by the dealer . but , in something of a pseudo- `groundhog day' approach , director tom tykwer gives lola three separate chances to best navigate her way toward the goal . in these trio of episodes , we gradually learn the unique effects of fate , for even if tiny changes are made in lola's journey , the future can be seriously altered . `run lola run' is an experience like `fight club' or `the matrix' , in that each film takes you through a super-charged wormhole of bending reality in surreal and exciting ways . in addition , all three movies have a visual style that separates them from the rest of the pack . `lola' is no exception , with stylish quick-flash camera work and cinematography that serves as scintillating eye candy from the get-go . tykwer's world is a landscape of mood and color , with brilliant shades of red and pink ( including lola's fiery hair ) used as effective symbolism throughout . with it's visual style and mind-blowing pace , `run lola run' is one of the more invigorating movies of the year . even more so when considering the fact it's all stuffed rather nonchalantly into an 81-minute time period . as a heroine , potente does little more than run wildly through the streets ( as the title suggests ) , but she has a certain flair and charisma . her exemplary running form made me wonder if she is actually a track star . meanwhile , bleibtreu does an equally fantastic job of bringing the dopey but passionate manni to life . both actors perform beyond the call of duty . the dazzling fun comes from predicting what each episode holds in store for lola , and the outcome is ultimately rewarding - several twists and turns are unique and unexpected . the other characters lola runs into ( both purposely and inadvertently ) include her banker father ( herbert kraup ) and a friendly security guard ( armin rohde ) , but aside from the two leads , no one has more than a few minutes of screen time . additional stars that couldn't possibly be ignored are cinematographer frank griebe and editor mathilde bonnefroy , who are both responsible for the film's eye-catching visual elegance . `run lola run' is subtitled , so be prepared to meet the challenge of reading the lightning-fast dialogue - occasional sections of it are especially fast . this is only one of the minor chores involved in watching . the other is the sense that we never get to really recognize who the real people are in this hyperactive situation . most are just chess pieces in tykwer's elaborate game of visual presentation , and he never really makes a significant move with any . but , the average viewer is likely to be so absorbed in the action that few will realize the lack of potency in a few elements of the screenplay . a few petty gripes aside , this film is a wild , exhilarating ride that turns maniacally on its wheel of originality . most people believe foreign films are mainly boring , talky character studies . perhaps `run lola run' will recharge their batteries . not only does this film offer insight into some intriguing questions of fate and destiny , it also delivers a white-knuckle visual rollercoaster ride of overwhelming audacity . like how the experience must have been for the persistent title character , `run lola run' is exhausting . in " the sweet hereafter , " writer/director atom egoyan takes us beyond the tragedy of death into the tragedy of living . he shows us how it isn't dying that hurts , but rather the pain of living in the hereafter of death , and dealing with the loss and grief that it brings . on a cold winter day in a small , isolated town in british columbia , a school bus full of children slides off the highway and onto a frozen lake , where it cracks through the ice and sinks . fourteen children die , and numerous others are hurt . for the residents of this small town , all of whose children were on that bus , it is an earth-shattering event that resolutely alters their lives . they have always relied on each other in the past to deal with heartache and pain , but it seems that this tragedy is more than they can handle . alberta and risa walker , who own a local motel and lost their child in the accident , hire an attorney named mitchell stephens ( ian holm ) to bring a lawsuit against someone , anyone for responsibility . the bus driver , dolores driscoll ( gabrielle rose ) , is a kindly woman who loved the children and , although she lives with a burden of guilt , is not held responsible for the accident . the bus seems to have simply slipped on some ice , and there was nothing should could do to prevent it . however , according to stephens , there are no " accidents " in life , and someone will pay for this tragedy , whether that be the manufacturer of the bus or the guardrail the bus broke through . he goes through the town , approaching the parents who have lost children , asking them to join the class action suit and find vent for their anger . and , for his work , stephens will receive one-third of the settlement money . however , it is immediately apparent that stephens has little or no interest in the money . he is driven by something else , something deeper that he shares in common with the grieving parents . he has lost a child , too , but not in the same manner . his daughter , zoe ( caerthan banks ) , who once almost died in his arms as a young child after a spider bite , has been in and out of drug re-hab clinics and detox stations for ten years . she calls him on an irregular basis , begging him for money , but refusing to tell him what she needs it for . " i don't know who i'm taking to , " he tells her . in his mind , his daughter is dead . the lawsuit is , to stephens , not only a way to mend the town's pain , but also his own . however , not everyone in town wants it to happen . billy ansell ( bruce greenwood ) , who was driving behind the bus when the accident happened and lost two children , wants nothing to do with it . he has already lost his wife , and he buries his grief in an affair with a married woman . he doesn't want to talk about the accident , and he sees the lawsuit as nothing more than the unnecessary opening of old wounds . to him , the town should be able to take care of its own pain , and it doesn't need outsiders like stephens getting in the way . central to " the sweet hereafter " is the tale of nicole burnell ( sarah polley ) , a teenage girl who dreams of being a singer before the accident turned her into " a wheelchair girl , " as she puts it . aside from stephens , nicole is the most complex character in the film , and it is she who ultimately decides the fate of the town and how the lawsuit will turn out . it is also her sad , haunted voice that we often hear on the soundtrack , reading robert browning's poem about the pied piper , and how when he led all the town's children away , one was left behind because he was crippled . obviously , nicole is that child , and she feels somehow betrayed that the rest of the town's children left her alone by dying in the wreck . her situation is further complicated because she is involved in a loving , but incestuous relationship with her father ( tom mccamus ) . there is only one , fleeting scene that suggests this relationship , but it is somehow tied into the final act of the film . of all the storylines in " the sweet hereafter , " this is the most complicated and unresolved , although its implications stretch throughout the entirety of the film . egoyan knows that the kinds of questions he brings up have no simple answers -- if any at all -- and he doesn't condescend to the audience by trying to neatly wrap it up . what egoyan has done in " the sweet hereafter " is really nothing short of miraculous . in his adaptation of the novel by russell banks , he has made a deeply moving film about a lawyer by transcending the pettiness of law and driving headlong into the deeper meaning of what is loss , and how pitiful monetary and material possessions are when compared to human life . egoyan has always been a talented , but distant and cerebral filmmaker whose work suffered only in that it felt so cold . " the sweet hereafter " is quite the opposite ; egoyan's stylistic and narrative structures work brilliantly to heighten the impact of the natural emotion , and draw the audience into the tragedy . " the sweet hereafter " seems to contain the combined emotional impact that all his other films lacked . the film is filled with beautiful , subtle performances from all the actors , especially ian holm as the lawyer and sarah polley as the sad child who was left behind . the beautiful , roving camerawork by paul sarossy and the haunting , melodic musical score by mychael danna ( both previous egoyan collaborators ) give the film a visual and aural cohesiveness with the thematic elements . like his earlier films , egoyan weaves together multiple storylines that form a blanketing whole . he works with time as a fluid substance , shifting back and forth between the past , the distant past , and the present with effortless ease . the actual bus wreck itself doesn't happen until midway through the film , but by that time the event has built up so much emotion that egoyan can film it from a distance with no graphic detail , and still have it carry great , devastating weight . because human life has become such a cheap commodity in movies , it is astounding that egoyan can convey so much heartbreak in such simple , direct terms . certainly one of the best films of 1997 , " the sweet hereafter " is a deeply rewarding , mystifying , and ultimately human film . when i first heard about scream in 1996 , i was told that it was a spoof of horror movies . from the master of the horror himself , wes craven , it ridiculed the cliches of the genre by overemphasizing them , by making the teenagers do what they know they're not supposed to do when a serial killer is stalking them ( don't run up the stairs when you can easily go out the front door , never say " i'll be right back , " etc . ) . when i first heard this description , i figured that it was an easy way out of making a bad movie . how hard is it to make an extremely terrible film but claim it is actually a mockery of other bad movies . was this wes craven's remedy from making " real " bad movies such as vampires in brooklyn ? it just seemed cheap to me . then i actually saw the movie and the first twenty minutes , involving drew barrymore and a nail-bitingly intense phone conversation , completely changed my attitude . scream is not only a clever parody of your standard horror flick , it's also a pretty scary movie . if you've seen a million of these kinds of films , you know exactly what is going to happen . this is part of the fun of watching scream . the movie reminds avid horror fans how similar and repetitive the genre is and it also reminds them how great a guilty pleasure it can be to watch pointless and predictable violence to innocent , attractive teenagers . to those who rarely see these types of movies , scream is a thrilling unpredictable ride that could be mistaken as a serious slasher film . there's nothing wrong with that misjudgment though . i have witnessed viewers from both sides of the audience , the newbies to horror and the fanatics . their opinions on the film were so different but both very positive . from these varied reviews , i am convinced that scream has not only revived the teen horror movie and the normal teen romance movies but also the hilarious parodies of these and other categories . films that both deride and celebrate genres like galaxy quest and the big hit would not have existed , in my opinion , if it was not for the outstanding success of scream . the low - budget 1996 gem may , alongside pulp fiction , be the most influential film of the 1990's . this influence may exist to the chagrin of some moviegoers who despise movies like teaching mrs . tingle or television programs such as dawson's creek but to others such as myself , we congratulate the movie that has opened new doors for excellent young actors , screenwriters , and directors . scream is also an extremely funny movie thanks to its quickly-paced script by kevin williamson . within the film are characters who tell other characters , as well as the audience , the basic rules and cliches of a horror movie . mainly from the rants of randy ( jamie kennedy ) and stu ( matthew lillard ) , we are reminded not only of the obvious and hilarious rules but also some of the more subtle stereotypes that when thought over are mostly true as well ( the virgin always survives ; have sex and you're dead meat ) . not only are we treated these rules on a plate but also the rules are referenced to a number of different films and actors . the script feels like an obsessive essay from a college film geek who has nothing better to do but find every little blunder from every little film for his own self-satisfaction . in this case , williamson finds these errors for the audience's satisfaction and amusement . i hear there is a new movie coming out called scary movie which is a spoof of scream , which is a spoof of scary movies . i will certainly see the film but i have the feeling that this parody will be more obviously ridiculing the genre rather than scream's perfect subtlety . however my last gut feeling about this stuff , scream , was dead wrong . . . so who knows . in present day hanoi , three sisters reflect on their parents' relationship while trying to define their own in writer/director tran anh hung's ( " the scent of green papaya " ) " the vertical ray of the sun . " youngest sister lien ( tran nu yen-khe ) greets the day with hai ( ngo quanq hai ) , the only brother whom she rooms and relentlessly flirts with . their morning ritual of tai chi and lou reed precedes crossing the street to eldest sister suong's ( nguyen nhu quynh ) cafe , where lien works , for breakfast . the three sisters lovingly prepare their mother's memorial banquet of traditional delicacies , prepared as much for look as taste , while giggling over the differences between the sexes . after the family breaks from the banquet , we learn that suong's young son 'little monkey' is doted upon , but there's a distance developing with her husband quoc ( chu ngoc hung ) , who's leaving for one of his habitual botanical photography trips . middle sister khanh ( tran manh cuong ) tells her writer husband she's pregnant before he leaves on a trip to saigon to research tuan , a mysterious man in his mother-in-law's past . lien keeps crawling into hai's bed at night , causing him to fall out of it . the initial serenity we witnessed starts turning into a soap opera before coming to full circle one month later , as the three women prepare their father's memorial banquet . " the vertical ray of the sun " is a contemplative piece where strong passions exist underneath calm exteriors . sly humor , self deceit and harsh truths all exist in the cyclic screenplay . tran anh hung and his cinematographer mark lee ping-bin ( " flowers of shanghai " ) linger over and repeat the small gestures of everyday life - a wife washes her husbands hands , a woman makes water dance in a bowl , a man pulls his lover to face him before they part . small spaces such as rooms , alleys and courtyards create intimacy . the color green , symbolizing life and tranquility , is used heavily in the film's visual styling , lapsing into yellowish hues and blues . writer/director tran anh hung's film recalls ang lee's " eat drink man woman , " another tale of three sisters of varying modernity coming together traditionally for a parent . but while lee's more traditionally story-driven film resulted in radical changes for all concerned , " the vertical ray of the sun's " characters strive for peaceful harmony . watching it is like trailing your fingertips in a stream on a cool spring day . star wars : episode i - the phantom menace review a review by jamey hughton stars ) starring-liam neeson , ewan mcgregor , natalie portman and jake lloyd director-george lucas rated g with all the hype that star wars : episode 1- the phantom menace has been receiving , it seems almost impossible to avoid interest in seeing the film . the movie is easily the most anticipated motion picture ever , with a marketing campaign so strong it has brought colonel sanders , the taco bell chihuahua and pizza hut together . can george lucas succeed yet again with transporting us back a long time ago , in a galaxy far , far away . . . . ? yes . this star wars prequel may be the worst of the bunch , with amateurish dialogue and an overall lack of humanity . but that doesn't mean it fails to comply on the basis of solid entertainment . the phantom menace features the most eye-catching , jaw-dropping visual look in cinematic history . the tremendous action sequences will have you clinging to your arm rest , and the special effects are nothing short of the best ( and most plentiful ) to ever be caught on film . the vast digitized worlds and sheer imagination that was applied to this project is astounding . the phantom menace is a delectable feast for the senses , even if it has some disappointing aspects . after we're treated to the famous prologue in the sky , with john williams' thundering score , we meet qui-gon jonn ( liam neeson ) and young obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor ) , a jedi master and his trainee `padawan' . they are on the ship accommodating the fleet headquarters for the evil trade federation , and have been sent to settle disputes regarding the taxation of trade routes to the planet of naboo . oh , but enough about that . the prime concern for this prequel is introducing young anakin skywalker ( jake lloyd ) into the picture . as you already know , this seemingly charming lad is the boy who will soon become darth vader . a spectacular pod race comes soon hereafter . this particular race is the most exciting , energetic , high-octane action sequence that you'll ever see . one of the delights of the series is meeting the newest set of strange alien creatures that lucas has devised , and the phantom menace is no exception . i loved sebulba , the rat-like scoundrel whom anakin has to face in the pod race , and boss nass , the leader of the gungans ( who are a neighbouring species to naboo ) . one character who has been subject to criticism is jar-jar binks , a member of the gungan race . jar-jar speaks like roger rabbit on a hallucinogenic drug , and is there for the sole purpose of supplying comic relief . yes , he is initially annoying , but i can admit to laughing over some of his harmless , goofy antics . there is some lack of dramatic pull in this star wars entry , but the presentation almost makes you forget the plot and character lapses . the final light-saber battle , between the jedi's and the horrific ( and terminally underused ) villain darth maul , is spectacular to behold . jabba the hutt , yoda , c-3po and r2-d2 have cameo appearances . lucas has not forget how to captivate an audience , even if his latest shows obvious signs of tiredness . one can only wonder what the possible technology will present for the next two installments , episode's i and ii . when they arrive , you'll know where to find me . bob the happy bastard's quickie review : i must admit , no doubt's single " new " is quite catchy . it was bouncy and energetic enough to get me to go see this new film from director doug limon , the man who had brought us the humorous swingers a little while back . the result ? a movie that's just as good as that song , really . it follows the lives of several individuals over the course of one weekend . first we hear about a grocery bagger ( sara polley ) who runs into a monetary situation problem and ends up selling bogus drugs at a rave ( with bad results , as a drug dealer feels he's been swindled by her ) ; then comes the story of an english grocery store worker ( same store ) who heads to vegas for the weekend with friends , where sex , gunplay , and stolen car trouble come into play ; then we see the story of two gay movie actors ( played by scott wolf and jay mohr ) who deal with a cop's strange insurance presentation and hitting a girl ( sara ) with their car ; and , finally , we come to another grocery worker ( katie holmes ) who has a strange fascination with said drug dealer ( the one mentioned earlier ) . really , it's all confusing to keep track of in review format , your best bet is to just , well , go . the movie features some very good acting from all angles , and limon adds the same humorous energy he had with swingers to this particular product . the dialogue is pretty snappy and the resolution is pretty well realized , not going for the sappy happy ending nor the dreaded bad ending . think of it as a , well , ending . the intertwining of stories is a particularly good element to the movie , as it's never really confusing and tells different sides of the story , like sliding doors kinda did . however , it's better suited for the younger generation who want a little spice in their flicks , which sliding doors kinda isn't . while watching " shallow grave , " i found myself periodically noticing thematic similarities to the coens' " blood simple . " both are good films in which several characters , none of whom are the most conscientious to have walked the earth but still are not really evil , indulge in an act of deception that soon necessitates more serious crimes . the body count rises , and before long seemingly normal people have blood on their hands . both films are also flawed , but for different reasons . " blood simple " is unrelentingly dark and moody , but its characterizations were a little hollow . " shallow grave , " on the other hand , is nearly flawless for an hour and twenty minutes , and then the filmmakers throw away much of what they'd accomplished for a more standard , audience-pleasing ending . the events of the film were sufficiently intense and disturbing that i honestly felt quite troubled by what i was witnessing on screen most of the time , yet there was a slight grin on my face at the end . as the film begins , we are introduced to alex ( ewan mcgregor ) , juliet ( kerry fox ) , and david ( christopher eccleston ) , a scottish trio living in an apartment in glasgow . they are all sarcastic and occasionally obnoxious , but other than that they seem like a fairly normal bunch . a man named hugo moves into the apartment's remaining vacancy , and the next morning he is found dead of a drug overdose . juliet is about to call the police when alex discovers that hugo had brought with him a suitcase filled to the brim with cash ( presumably from criminal activities ) . the three eventually decide to keep the money and cover up the death ; after a drawing of straws , the particularly unenviable task of mutilating the body so as to make it unidentifiable and burying it falls to david , who had been the most reluctant to partake in the scheme from the beginning . all of this transpires in the first twenty minutes or so of the film , and part of what makes " shallow grave " so brilliant for a while is that i honestly had no idea what was coming next . other than the obvious question of why they don't report the death and simply hide the cash , which is not addressed , the plotting and characterization , while sometimes predictable , worked in a way that kept my attention and , on more than one occasion , gave me chills . i will , therefore , attempt to continue this review in a way that doesn't give away too much of the plot . broadly , the trio are in danger due to hugo's underworld connections , as two goons search for the money and kill several people in the process . a police inspector ( ken stott ) is clearly suspicious and visits the apartment , asking pointed questions and trying to unnerve the three suspects by exchanging banal and weirdly humorous bits of dialogue with a junior detective . david , meanwhile , becomes increasingly paranoid , moves into the attic , and develops an affinity for sharp objects . director danny boyle effectively creates an atmosphere of mounting tension and suspicion in the apartment , and finally the three seem ready to turn against each other . while i do not consider myself the " happy endings are automatically stupid " type , i thought that " shallow grave " really should have ended in tragedy - a realistic analysis of the story up to the last ten minutes of the film would indicate that all three characters were probably about to end up in prison , in the mental hospital , or in the morgue . this could have been accomplished , quite credibly , but then boyle and screenwriter john hodge seem to flinch and opt for a more conventional " caper " ending in which we get a kick out of seeing who outsmarted whom , and nothing more . granted , this isn't really a " happy " ending , but it's still pretty light-hearted compared to what preceded it . i really shouldn't say anything more about the ending as far as details go , but let me add that it seemed not only shallow and lazy but also inconsistent with the rest of the film and not very believable . yes , this ending made me crack a smile for a couple of minutes , but ultimately it left me feeling as if i'd been cheated . still , " shallow grave " was brilliant most of the way through , and it does at least meet the minimum requirements for an entertaining thriller , and i am therefore awarding it three stars . i guess i just can't help but think about that fourth star that boyle and hodge let slip away . since most movies about slavery shield us from the true horrors of what they're portraying , it's fitting to say that " beloved " come as a real shock as a film . it's confusing , bizarre , and as tough a film to watch as any film i've seen all year , and that's not necessarily because of the three-hour running time . " beloved " is challenging to watch , filled with tough and powerful poetry that takes us completely off guard , and instead of a straight-forward , hollywood-ized story about what happened to the slaves after they were freed , " beloved " comes off as a cry of anguish from all those who actually lived through what happened ( or , rather , toni morrison , who wrote the novel upon which this is based ) . " beloved " tells the story of an ex-slave named sethe , played by oprah winfrey , who lives on a large farm in the north with her children . when the film opens , her house is being terrorized by a poltergeist , which shakes things up , wounds the dog , and makes things generally uncomfortable for the family . sethe is proud , though , and will not move . her sons run away , leaving only her and her daughter , denver ( kimberly elise ) alone with the ghost which is there without any factual explanation . a couple years pass , and the ghost remains , and one day , a man named paul d ( danny glover ) , another ex-slave who knew sethe years ago when they worked on a plantation together , arrives , asking for lodging . he has been wandering around since he left the plantation , and when he enters the house , it turns red and becomes incredibly hot . when he remarks about what he thinks is evil , sethe replies " it ain't evil . it's just sad . " some more time passes , and paul d has become a fervent member of the household , and the ghost disappears . but when they return one day from going out , they discover a young woman sitting in the house . her name is beloved , and as played by thandie newton , she has almost zero motor skills . she stumbles around , half-grabbing onto things and knocking them over , and when she speaks , she lets out a low guttural sound that eventually turns into baby talk . they let her into her house , and she begins to turn things upside down . " beloved " acts like an incredibly difficult chamber drama paired with a ghost story . most of the scenes consist of people arguing in one claustrophobic , low-lit room , with the occasional flash to the past , where we see images of such horror that we thank god for modern-day psychoanalysts . sethe and paul d have lived through such hellish times that they are forever implanted with the memories of their slavehood on the old plantation , which includes such images as sethe being raped by the white plantation hands , with her nipples being licked , prompting her to cry out to paul d when reminiscing about it , " they took my milk ! " worst of all was the month after her freedom , when she was allowed to live like a free person , working with other blacks on a farm , and then seeing that her old plantation owners have arrived to presumedly take her and her children back . she runs to the barn near by , carrying her four children , and when her old owners burst in , they discover she has murdered one of them and is ready to murder the rest of them if they don't leave them alone . when she is inquired about this moment by paul d in a moment halfway through the film , she says she doesn't regret it . she killed her daughter so that she would not have to live through the horror she did , and she has convinced herself she did the right thing . of course , beloved is really her daugher materialized , though we aren't flat out told that until later on in the film . beloved represents the pain and suffering the slaves went through and shows how difficult it was for them to deal with their freedom after being tortured for so long . thus , " beloved " becomes a sorta-redux of the andrei tarkofsky sci-fi classic , " solaris , " where a cosmonaut discovers that his wife , who commited suicide years before , has materialized when he is orbiting over a planet with a complex brain system . that film spoke volumes about humanity and our memories , how we are constantly regretting what happened in the past , and when if it ever literally came back to haunt us , it would control us completely . " beloved " moves along freely , without a lot of explanation , and for the most part , this is extremely respectable . the most interesting films are the ones that don't explain everything for us , leaving gaps in the characters that we are supposed to fill in with how they act in the present tense . sethe is never fully explained as a character , but we understand all her actions since she's being played by oprah winfrey . it's been well over a decade since her last major performance in " the color purple , " but judging from these two films , i'll bet she's one of the best actresses working today . . . if she was strictly an actress . her talk show , which i suppose is a great entity , has prevented her from becoming a noteworthy actress , and that's a shame because she brings so much to this movie . emotion . sadness . strength . watching the strong sethe , who's so afraid of the past that she's built a rather strong protective coating around herself , break down when she discovers who beloved really is is what makes this movie really great . she makes it real . that's not to say this is a perfect film . in fact , i'd wager to say that the fact that it's confusing and painful to watch is what prevents this from being the truly great film it is . while oprah's performance is powerful and easily sympathetic ( and i'm dying to see her win at least an oscar nomination this february ) , the structure of the film , which doesn't show what happened to her children till halfway through the film , prevents us from really making a cohesive connection to the film . it doesn't necessarily move as though they're memories of one particular character , and by the end , it has lost control over sethe , and as she takes to bed , we are unable to truly identify with her anymore . but despite its tediousness , perhaps that's the point . the distancing by the end of the film may be just part of the way it has been built from the start , since they figure she has crossed over from being identifiable , and it needs to get back with reality . and for the most part , this film seems like the cry of pain from the slaves that it really wants to be . jonathan demme's direction is bizarre , in nature with the story , and he creates the right mood , making it a tough film to sit through , making sure that the audience feels as uncomfortable as the characters . there's more to admire here , like the way that the flashbacks pop up freely and without real organization , just like they would be in real life ; and the way that the ending leaves it somewhat open to more pain and suffering , but laced with a touch of optimism . the acting , not only from winfrey , is amazing , and i anticipate not only she will get an oscar nomination . everyone has been raving about thandie newton's performance , and how it should be rewarded . however , it must be noted that out of everyone , she had the easiest part . act like a baby . throw things . stumble around . chew food with your mouth open . i do think there's another performance worthy of oscar conisderation , but it's kimberly elise , as the daugher who has to stay sensible and sane , and has to carry the burden of her mother's loss of reality towards the end . it's not that newton isn't great : she's as annoying and wacky as the role demands . it's just that elise has the tougher job and pulls it off even better . despite the fact that this film has winfrey written all over it , and not that of writer morrison or director demme , " beloved " has still not done well . costing , i think , around ninety million dollars , it has since grossed about twenty-two . unfortunately , this film is a little too intense for viewers , even for me , and i can stand almost anything ( i recently viewed the 2 1/2 hour long epic " caligula , " the worst film i have ever seen in my life , and did it in a mere 2 sittings ) . although i respect " beloved , " i can't say that i really enjoyed it . usually a movie is about something more than a soiled rug , but not the big lebowski . the new offering from the creators of 1996's critical hit fargo , is to say the least , wildly entertaining . originality has always been a strong trait in the coen brother's movies , and the big lebowski is insanely original . it begins oddly enough when jeff " the dude " lebowski ( jeff bridges ) is mistaken for a millionaire , jeff " the big " lebowski ( david huddleston ) , who's wife , bunny ( tara reid ) owes money all over town . two goons , out to collect on bunny's debt break into dude's house . they attempt to collect the money that bunny owes them and one of them urinates on his rug . the next day dude explains his situation to his bowling team ( steve buscemi & john goodman , respectively . ) he is advised to go to the big lebowski and get him to pay for the defiled rug . he does this , and shortly after gets tied up in a kidnapping caper . this is a extremely funny movie with lots of belly laugh moments . the coen brothers have assembled a great cast that play off each other perfectly . also several great supporting roles , john turturro as a child molesting bowler named jesus . the coen's script plays off perfectly and it all goes together to make it extremely entertaining . i doubt this movie will be nearly as popular as fargo , but its off the wall moments make it so far the best of 1998 . if you like anything else the coen brothers have done you will love this one , if not they give this one a try its a little different . with the opening scene of a young couple in a van pulling up , loading their guns , kissing each other and uttering what sounds like " rock and roll ! " ( actually , it's " lock and load " ) , you can't help thinking tarantino . and of course with its storyline of a crazy girl and boy in love who turn to violent bank robbery , the film unapologetically takes its place alongside all those other films from bonnie & clyde to natural born killers . but if most of those movies have their roots in pulp fiction , exploring a modern myth of the doomed rebels on the run , normal life takes a much more psychologically realistic look at the phenomenon . " inspired by true events " -- we've heard that one before , and yet in no other tale of violent couples has it seemed so solidly demonstrated . . . or so strangely poignant . for this is a story of real people whose lives take on a steadily unreal quality , who in their search for a normal life find themselves increasingly unhinged . beginning with their final arrest , the film goes back to trace the relationship between chris ( luke perry ) , a policeman , and pam ( ashley judd ) , a factory worker . they fall in love and marry , but pam's increasingly erratic behaviour ( going on spending sprees , slashing herself with a knife after an argument ) begin to trouble the solid and stable chris . when chris gets sacked , they find themselves heavily in debt and near breaking up . then , chris begins to rob banks . . . luke perry accomplishes the not-inconsiderable feat of making us nearly forget that he was ever in beverly hills 90210 or buffy the vampire slayer . moustached , with a tough paternal look and yet a voice and eyes that suggest sadness verging on exasperation , he is perfectly cast as the long-suffering husband . ( it's another of john mcnaughton's coups of casting-against-type , after transforming robert de niro into nerd and bill murray into gangster in mad dog and glory ) . but it is the character of pam who commands centrestage , and ashley judd rises to the challenge with great alternating currents of ferocity and tenderness , making pam into a fascinating yet often infuriating person . if the performance falls short of greatness , however , it is perhaps because the role of the mad woman has been done so often before it is virtually a staple of cinema , whether it's in betty blue , tom & viv or georgia . as in those movies , there's the danger that the performance seems mannered , a collection of screwy tics and tantrums designed for the oscar presentation piece . judd doesn't entirely avoid this pitfall , but pam's 'craziness' is best and most movingly presented in counterpoint to the more 'normal' chris . when pam reacts to her father-in-law's death by showing up at the funeral in rollerblades and blaring headphones , chris' face is the picture of pained restraint . of course , it's the question of what is 'normal' that is asked in normal life . mcnaughton constantly offers up the ironies of the aspirations for the average domestic life and its kinship with insanity . it is the rational chris that loves guns ( " shooting is about precision , control " ) and the 'crazy' pam that loves astronomy and yearns for a dog ( who is then called chaos -- " chaos and you and me . . . we're a real family " , she notes wryly ) . it is chris' methodical mind and his knowledge of police procedure that allows him to be such a successful bank robber ( his well-planned disguise as a bearded , roaring man of terror is another piece of method in madness ) . in the carpark where he sets out for his first robbery , a huge sign on a shopping mall stands out in the background : " buy-more " -- the perfectly respectable consumption-crazy american dream that has driven pam to her extravagant purchases , and both of them into desperate situations . it's not a perfect film . some of the dialogue is a touch too banal ( perhaps intentionally ? ) . the use of the punk hardcore soundtrack in pam's crazed scenes comes rather too close to making emotional disturbance seem glamourous and sexy an image which only detracts from the rest of the film . indeed , as in mcnaughton's seminal film henry : portrait of a serial killer , it is the avoidance of glamour or sensationalism , the denial of some of the standard thrills of the outlaw film genre , that gives this determinedly unflashy , moving film its great strengths . mcnaughton has filmed this story with a quiet , coolly 'realistic' method that works far better than any nbk theatrics at unsettling the viewer . the suburbs , with their miles of white-fenced houses and identikit malls , take on a sense of claustrophobic blankness . in its very different way , this makes for as haunting a backdrop as the wide open spaces in terence malick's badlands . while pam shares the yearnings of malick's heroes to escape from ordinary life , chris takes up crime precisely so that they can lead a 'normal life' - their little house on the suburbs is financed by his violent robberies . but these are dreams defined by , constrained by , and even doomed by , the limitations of the 'normal' , conventional world . pam's final scene takes place at the edge of the suburbs , where wild bushes grow -- symbolically the frontier , the outer limits of her society , but also quite literally the end of the road , where there is nowhere left to go but to the final tragic denouement . the flying inkpot's rating system : * wait for the video . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . it's not often that i laugh so hard at a movie that my head hurts . but that's just what happened to me at uhf , weird al yankovic's big screen debut . uhf is a television parody a la airplane , and like airplane , the movie is extraordinarily stupid . but it's dumb in the best way a movie can be dumb : it's so silly and outrageous it's hilarious . the movie stars weird al as george newman , a world class nerd with a hyperactive imagination , the type who fantasizes he's indiana jones and who uses hostess twinkies as hot dog buns . george is basically a loser ; his daydreams and smart-alec attitude perpetually prevent him from holding onto a job for more than two weeks . but george finally gets a chance to funnel his creativity into something productive when his uncle wins channel 62 in a poker game and makes him the general manager of the struggling uhf television station . george revives channel 62 with innovative programming : shows like " wheel of fish " and movies like " conan , the librarian . " as the station's ratings rise , it comes into competition with channel 8 , the leading vhf network-affiliate . as r . j . fletcher--channel 8's ill-natured , hard-nosed owner--veteran stage and film actor kevin mccarthy is flamboyantly sleazy ; he really hams it up with his snorts , grimaces , and scowls . uhf satirizes anything and everything to do with television , including game shows , tabloid talk shows , children's shows , dizzy news women , and movies--everything from rambo to close encounters . the funniest scene , the one that made my head spin , is a commercial for spatulas which has to be seen to be believed . like most movies in its genre , uhf is hit or miss . for every gag that works , at least one fizzles . for instance , weird al's mock video of " money for nothing " by dire straits is only mildly amusing and brings the film to a grinding halt ( although it does have some nifty computer animation ) . but the funniest bits in uhf are so hysterical that we can forgive the ones that fail ; we know another gut wrencher is on the way . in fact , uhf hits the mark often enough to make it the most effective airplane-type movie since . . . well , since airplane . much of the credit goes to weird al's exceptionally inventive script and to the movie's winsome cast . weird al seems a little stiff at the beginning , but because he's not afraid to look silly , he ultimately has a lot of fun with his character . the real standout is michael richards as stanley , the dim-witted janitor who becomes the host of his own children's show : " stanley spadowski's playhouse . " stanley's off-beat , mixed-up personality is a big hit with the audience and makes him an over-night star . he is an endearing mixture of good-natured innocence , high-energy enthusiasm , and puppy-dog cuteness . and above all , he's a good janitor who adores his work . another highlight is a vintage cameo by the incomparable emo philips . the cast also features gedde watanabe ( the chinese foreign-exchange student in sixteen candles ) as the karate master who hosts the hit series , " wheel of fish . " also aboard for the ride is fran drescher , who plays pamela finklestein , channel 62's roving reporter . unfortunately , as weird al's girlfriend , victoria jackson is wasted in a role that calls for nothing but whimpering , whining , and sulking . her character is extraneous and should have been either further integrated into the story or cut from the script altogether . while uhf is not an absolute must-see , it's definitely the ticket if you're looking for a wild and zany , whacked-out comedy . the movie is good enough to see in the theaters , but it may work even better on television , the very medium at which it pokes fun . it's hard not to recommend " the others . " the supernatural thriller , written and directed by alejandro amen ? bar ( " open your eyes " ) , adroitly establishes and maintains a low-key atmosphere of menace . the cinematography , by javier aguirresarobe , is as good as i have ever seen and nicole kidman gives another in her growing body of fine performances . but the pacing of the story moves from deliberate to downright sluggish and the payoff of the tale left me less than satisfied . overall , the film plays like a very high quality version of any number of old " twilight zone " episodes where the characters spend a great deal of time wandering about looking afraid and disoriented , only to learn they are actually a child's toy , a military test subject or a department store dummy . watching those vintage shows and listening to the players chatter , i always wanted to shout , " get on with it ! " as much as i appreciated the atmosphere and acting in " the others , " my reaction was much the same . set at an island mansion off the coast of england during world war ii , the story focuses on grace ( kidman ) , who tends to her children anne ( alakina mann ) and nicholas ( james bentley ) and worries about her husband , charles ( christopher eccleston ) , a missing serviceman . anne and nicholas suffer from photosensitivity and grace patrols the estate with the keys to all 50 doors , protecting the little ones from excess light by making sure that only one door is open at a time . at the beginning of the film , three servants , mrs . mills ( fionnula flanagan ) , young , mute lydia ( elaine cassidy ) , and mr . tuttle ( eric sykes ) , an aging gardener , join the family . the two that speak seem agreeable enough at first , but it soon becomes apparent that they know something that grace does not . to make matters worse , the children are upset : nicholas is unusually jittery and anne claims to be seeing ghosts . grace attempts to blame the troubles on the new arrivals to her home , only to realize that whatever is happening is beyond them . that's essentially the whole story , with the tension growing until the pivotal moment when everything becomes clear . earlier , there is an outstanding scene where grace darts outside , only to be enveloped in fold after fold of shimmering fog . the visuals in the otherworldly sequence , courtesy of aguirresarobe , are simply astounding . i also enjoyed the presence of religion , a rarity in films dealing with the supernatural . grace is a christian and answers her children's questions about life and death with the assurance of a devout worshiper . when mother is away , though , the kids speculate whether her statements are fact or folklore , just as real children do . but those nice touches fail to enliven a film that is too slow or make up for a lackluster ending . " the others " sets out to be a classic ghost story , but fails to grasp that special something that makes such films more than layers of mist . " a private matter " is based on the true story of sherri finkbine and the events in her life during the 1960s . after becoming pregnant ( for the fifth time ) she learns that some tranquilizers she had taken have seriously deformed her unborn child . she and her husband decide , with the help of her doctor , to have an abortion . but this is the 1960s , and abortion is illegal . her doctor has made arrangements to have the procedure performed withing the law , by claiming that the child is endangering the mother's life . everything is about to work out just fine , until sherri has the uncontrollable urge to talk about her situation with a local reporter . this sets off a media frenzy and immediately sherri is the most hated woman in the world . she and her husband are fired from their jobs , reporters are surrounding their home at all times , and most importantly , no one in the country ( and eventually other countries ) will perform the abortion . this causes emotion problems for all involved . " a private matter " is a fascinating story and it's hard to believe that this only happened 30 years or so ago . it's only flaw is that not once is there ever a satisfactory confrontation with sherri and any of her opponents . one woman passing her on the street telss her to burn in hell , and when sherri appropriately yells back , " just tell me what i'm supposed to do , " the woman has no answer . no one apparently had an answer , they just wanted to control what should have been only the choice of sherri and her husband . this is an important film , telling an important story . it's not just about not wanting another child , it's about not wanting a child who will cause severe changes in their family , none of which could be beneficial . sydney pollack served as executive producer for this made for hbo movie . director jan de bont certainly knows how to make top quality action films . you need look no further than die hard ( he was director of photography ) , speed and last years twister for examples of his hi- octane , edge of your seat thrill prowess . speed 2 is no exception . this time , the action takes place on a huge cruise liner , on which sandra bullock and jason patrick are trying to develop their relationship . yep , that's right , no keanu reeves this time , but fear not , jason patrick is more than up to the job . speaking of which , the job at hand is to stop completely bonkers terrorist , willem dafoe , from crashing the liner into a huge island , after stealing a diamond collection . the reason for this act of destruction is revenge . after years of working for the company that builds cruise liner computers , he contracts copper poisoning and is retired . naturally , what entails next is a lot of running/jumping about and general high quality action as jason patrick does his level best to save the day . thinking back on this film , you can't help , but admire it's structure . the way , willem dafoe initiates his plan and throws red herrings to the crew and passengers . the race against time to save the liner from crashing , and of course , the finale chase scence . ( although this is ruined by an over the top , one too many stunt and explosion . ) simple in construction , effective in it's execution , and the result , a clear and concise , highly enjoyable action film . the acting is adequate , although it's darned obvious that sandra bullock is only in it to create a 'hot totty' appeal to the men ( and she does that perfectly ! ) , jason patrick fills the action hero role superbly and willem dafoe is just great as the crazed terrorist . overall , speed 2 is a most enjoyable thrill ride . not up to it's predecessor's high calibre but very good all the same . there is plenty going on , some of the thrills are quite tense and it also proves that you do not need blood and guts to make a good action movie . after indecent proposal and up close and personal , redford was wise to direct himself in a picture at last . redford may look great on-screen , but over the past few years , he's proven himself a bigger talent behind the camera . ordinary people is one of the best films of the nineteen-eighties , and it was the first picture he helmed . while the milagro beanfield war was only occasionally successful at combining magic-realism with . . . um , realism , and i've never been much of a fan of a river runs through it ( to the chagrin of many ) , quiz show was dazzling , energetic and convincing . the horse whisperer represents both his directorial return to nature films and the first time in that sub-genre redford seems equally concerned with humans and scenery . scott-thomas plays annie maclean , an uptight but respected new york magazine editor whose daughter grace ( johanssen ) loses a leg and a good friend when an early morning ride climaxes with their horses colliding with a semi . grace's horse survived , but barely , and has gone mad . annie refuses to put the animal out of his misery , believing that if the horse heals it will mend grace's newly-broken spirit . eventually , mother and daughter travel alone to montana to be with tom booker ( redford ) , a famed " horse whisperer " who has a gift of calming horses with simple looks and touches , leaving busy husband neill behind . eventually , they move onto the booker ranch with the rest of tom's family , and annie finds herself falling in love with all things montana , including , naturally , tom , the wise and lonely trainer . the horse whisperer is delicately made . i dare say lyrical , since to many people's ear , that word is synonymous with boring . hardly . the horse whisperer has little to offer in the way of surprise , but it does have an honesty that is refreshing and consistently enjoyable to watch , especially in the final third of the story . scott-thomas and johanssen seem like mother and daughter , and you have no doubt believing that the mountain vistas would put these new yorkers under a spell , especially since d . p . robert richardson's photography casts montana as heaven on earth . ( a gimmicky but effective technique the filmmakers employ is a switch in aspect ratio from squarish to widescreen when the central location shifts from new york to montana . ) the underrated sam neill turns in perhaps his most heartfelt , emotive performance as the nice-guy husband , who is as authoritive and likeable as tom . he is indeed a refreshing change from the sexist , lout of a husband so many writers resort to as a short-cut for explaining away the cheating spouse's motivation . unfortunately , one of the horse whisperer's only flaws is the chemistry between would-be lovers scott-thomas and redford . i liked both of them , but i didn't necessarily believe that redford would fall for such a cold fish , even if the countryside air thawed her slightly . luckily ( and curiously ) , this is such a rich and textured movie that it doesn't quite matter-their adultery seems like an afterthought , the obligatory sub-plot that ties many of the characters' complex relationships together . sam ( matthew broderick ) is an astronomer in a small american town and engaged to teacher linda ( kelly preston ) . he is head over heels in love and lindas sudden departure to new york city to live with her new lover anton ( tch ? ky karyo ) comes as a complete surprise to him . but as we all know love is blind and so sam leaves for new york as well to win her back . he moves into an abandoned house across the street from anton's apartment and installs a camera obscura to watch them . suddenly anton's ex maggie shows up , but she does not want her former lover back . on the contrary , all she wants to do is vaporize him . she may say that she doesn't want to kill him , but the possibility doesn't bother her too much either . after all , people die every day . in spite of their different motives the two team up and fall for each other as things move on . the story sounds like something we all have seen a million times . but we haven't . griffin dunne brings us the most charming comedy since " while you where sleeping " . the camera obscura adds a " special something " to the movie and makes it an exceptional romantic comedy . everything about the movie is perfect , from set design to casting . the dialogues are inspired and the touches of black humor add a certain bite . meg ryan , known from " when harry met sally " or " sleepless in seattle " , surprises in a role that may finally help her get rid of her sweet little girl image . she impresses the viewer as a maneating biker girl . even more surprising is the fact that the viewer believes her , much more so than in last years " courage under fire " where she played a gulf war pilot . matthew broderick is the goodnatured and somewhat naive sam who has trouble accepting reality . the viewer can tell that he doesn't only watch the stars but also tries to reach out for them . he has trouble keeping in touch with reality . after all , who would leave everything behind to chase a lost love ? his naivet ? that we don't question for a minute throughout the movie clashes with maggies exaggerated wish for revenge . she would do anything to harm anton . she doesn't hesitate to use sam for her plan and makes him understand right from the beginning that nothing will happen between the two of them . that makes the scenes when they innocently share a bed , have potatoe chips and watch the action across the street like a saturday night show on tv even funnier . tch ? ky karyo is perfect as anton . he is , well , repulsive . that's all there is to say about him . you can't really manage to pity him , even after all his mishaps . he not only took sam's bride away from him , he is also a french chef . worlds collide , i . e . the usa and france . this can only go wrong . even if maggies revenge schemes are at times shocking , you just can't sympathize with a man who plays " je t'aime . . . moi non plus " on his tape deck . not everyone is captured by the french charme that linda and even maggie fell for . sam certainly isn't . too bad for anton . for him things take a turn to the worse . " addicted to love " is one of this year's most pleasant surprises . copyright 1996 graeme huggan carry on henry is all about henry viii and his eight wives ! sid james plays henry , who no sooner has the film started , is getting rid of his present queen and hopes to find another one soon . as part of his alliance with france , he requests the hand-in-marriage to the queen of normandy ( joan sims ) . she comes to england in the hope of marrying henry but when he finds out that she loves garlic and has a reeking garlic breath , he is totally averse to the idea of marriage . henry's court is very corrupt , with the cardinal ( terry scott ) trying to bribe cromwell ( kenneth williams ) and cromwell trying to bribe the king . there is a state of crisis when the king puts marie the queen ( sims ) in the tower of london ready for execution . the queen is pregnant but she has not liased with the king before , so fingers are pointed at sir roger de lodgerley played by charles hawtrey , who has a rather lecherous character to play this time . the cardinal and cromwell decide to get a signed confession from sir roger by using all kinds of torture devices ! owing to circumstances , sir roger is sometimes needed to sign that he is the father and sometimes that he isn't . this is because of renewed threats by the king of france ( peter gilmore ) to come over himself , which in the end he does . by then , henry has found himself a new queen , played by none other than barbara windsor ! it looks like he has some explaining to do ! there are stand-out performances by sid james as henry , joan sims as marie , and terry scott in an unusual role as the cardinal . also there are cameos from kenneth connor and peter butterworth , who plays barbara's father . the set and costume design is first class and the overall production of this film is good . there is even an early appearance from david prowse , who later became the green cross code man and darth vader . the film does have it's downsides though , as it is getting pretty routine for the carry-on team to stage historical films and the inventive streak of the script seems to run out pretty quickly . there is also the absence of hattie jacques and bernard bresslaw , who could have helped the film along . however , overall the film is funny and there are plenty of laughs and saucy jokes , so that is why i mainly recommend it to carry on fans only , but there is enough humour in the film to make it worth anyone's while to sit down and watch it . this " dumb " cowboy blondie who thinks he is a `darn' good loverboy , decides to leave his dusty ol' town somewhere in texas and go to new york . he puts on his beloved cowboy attire and off he hops on the next new york coach . when he arrives to new york , he immediately sets out to play mr playboy thinking he is the best `darn' `stud' in the whol'o' new york city . obviously he fails . he meets the 'cripple' rico ( dustin hoffman , who is terrifically good ) in a bar . rico has a leg that is paralysed from the knee down , so he walks in a peculiar way . rico is a thief and wants to get some money off this 'rich' dumb cowboy . he cheats our cowboy out of $20 through a somewhat detailed routine and disappears . soon , our cowboy runs out of money : he gets kicked out of his hotel , and starts getting hungry . walking through the city , with " everybody's talkin' " playing in the background ( oh , and his prided techno transistor radio in hand ) , he spots rico in a cafe . rico , half-scared , pours out all the money in his pocket . 60 filthy cents . our cowboy , hungry , is forgiving . he is glad he found someone he knows . rico offers to make it up for him . and he invites him to his place . and what a filthy , cold place it is . our cowboy falls asleep instantly in the ( junk ) bed . when he finally wakes ( jumps ? ) up , he finds rico looking at him . " you wanna cup'a'coffee ? " rico asks in his friendly , sleazy , somewhat-childish manner while he smokes on a ciggy . " what're you ? a goddamn faggot ? what do you want from me ? where are my shoes ? what did you do to them ? " but all his doubts turn out to be unfounded . rico really has a heart . together , they live in the junk apartment and almost freeze to death . rico is convinced that the best place to be is florida , where the sun shines beautifully and there are lots of coconut trees . but he falls sick and is convinced that his cure is to go to florida . " we will soon be in miami " is the last sentence uttered in this film and what a shocking , moving end of a film it is . the classic theme music : " midnight cowboy " helps bring about the feeling of attachment that most viewers will experience towards the end of the film . whether the attachment is to the two main characters or to their dreams , is probably as debatable as whether it was the acting or the direction that makes this film so memorable . playwright tom stoppard and screenwriter marc norman took on an astonishingly difficult task : they wanted to write a script about william shakespeare that parallels shakespeare's works . they also wanted to poke fun at the way all of us envision shakespeare : i mean , really , who doesn't think of shakespeare as a guy seething with so much passion that he can barely write a play without exploding into a passionate , introspective verbal couplet of iambic pentameter ? stoppard and norman are men who love shakespeare , and they wanted to make a movie for everyone else who loves shakespeare . and , despite the difficulty of their task , they have succeeded . shakespeare in love is one of the smartest , funniest , most touching films of the year . it's so rare that a picture with such high aspirations succeeds in all of its endeavors , but here we have a movie that defines success : it is at once charmingly acted and flawlessly written . it could have been a smug , self-important movie that panders to die-hard shakespeare fans , but the appeal of this film is almost universal : if you've ever read a play by shakespeare , or know anything about his life , it's likely that you'll find grand entertainment in shakespeare in love . joseph fiennes , brother of ralph , stars as shakespeare himself ; he's a delightful , irresistible lad , concerned mostly with women and detached from life's more serious problems ( debt , plague , etc . ) . he's commissioned to write plays for various people : queen elizabeth ( judi dench ) wants comedies , while local slimeball philip henslowe ( geoffrey rush ) needs him to write a play so that he can pay off his debts to hugh fennymann ( tom wilkinson ) . shakespeare , however , has trouble focusing on his work . he begins work on a comedy about a boy named romeo and a girl named ethel . this all changes , however , when he meets viola de lesseps ( a radiant gwyneth paltrow ) , a young heiress set to marry the financially-oriented lord wessex ( colin firth ) . shakespeare instantly falls in love with her ; he first meets her when she pretends to be a man to try out for the part of romeo . he discovers her identity and confronts her later ; she , of course , falls in love with him , although their love is doomed because she absolutely must marry the tyrannical lord wessex . but she continues to act because she loves shakespeare's writing so much , and soon the production ( which later becomes romeo and juliet ) is set to be performed . shakespeare in love is an amazingly good film , not because it works as great entertainment , but because it pays attention to detail and knows its subject matter . i was instantly won over by joseph fiennes in the lead role : he has such searing optimism and energy ; he's clearly a man who admires shakespeare , and even in the shortcomings that he gives his character ( inability to turn away from women , attention deficit disorder ) , we sense a great deal of affection and care . he practically overflows with passion in every scene . fiennes is matched by paltrow ( whose english accent is so good that wonder where she actually comes from ) ; she is an actress who exudes strength and conviction in every performance i've seen her in . the two performers work perfectly together , taking the passionate scenes as far as possible without making them melodramatic , and wringing the comedic scenes for every conceivable laugh . of course , it doesn't hurt that they have a masterful script to work with . stoppard , whose play rozencrantz and guildenstern are dead inspired an interesting film , is full of dry wit and boundless understated humor ( all of his plays have similarly dry humor ) . the first intelligent step stoppard and norman took was harmonizing the events of the film with romeo and juliet . one of the funniest scenes in the film is an imitation of the famous terrace scene from the play ; in the movie , shakespeare is bumbling about while viola is trying to fend off her nurse maid . director john madden does a fantastic job dabbling in slapstick humor -- scenes like these would have seemed obtuse in the hands of a lesser director . i'm going to have to see the movie again ; i'm certain there are numerous references that i missed . in fact , i doubt it's possible to gather everything with just one viewing . stoppard is a master of detail : you'll notice familiar lines placed throughout the film , not as lines of a play , but as dialogue , suggesting that shakespeare simply spoke like that all the time . there's also a brilliant running joke in which shakespeare is in constant competition with christopher marlowe ( and the fact that marlowe is played by the openly-homosexual rupert everett is a joke in of itself ) , proposing a slightly twisted explanation to marlowe's mysterious death in a pub . there's also a scene featuring a wide-eyed dog that is so funny that i hurt myself laughing . " there's no dog in this play ? " " no ! no dog ! " the ensemble cast is perhaps the strongest this year . geoffrey rush is nearly unrecognizable as the detestable henslowe ; wilkinson is also hard to recognize , but has a great role as a thug who takes his part as the apothecary so seriously . ben affleck , playing one of the actors in the company , shows great range , both in his accent ( his is almost as good as paltrow's ) and in humor ( he has some of the best one-liners in the movie ) . colin firth , always stuck playing the sap , does a good job being hateful . judi dench , however , has the best supporting performance as queen elizabeth : rarely has so much depth been conveyed in so few words . my single , minor complaint about shakespeare in love is that i feel like i could have been more moved by the end . the story is moving , but there are a few missed opportunities in the final scenes . but my quibbling is not important . what is important is that i acknowledge the quality of this picture , the sheer skill with which it has been written , acted , and produced . shakespeare in love tries so many things , and nails every one of them : it's a film that both loves shakespeare and makes fun of him , a film in which the actors , writers , and director are all perfectly in sync . it's also a movie that has the potential to introduce a lot of people to shakespeare's work in a positive way , without seeming condescending or superior . i admire this film not only because it passes so pleasantly , but because it has lofty aspirations and succeeds in them . not just any film can poke fun at shakespeare and get away with it . titantic , writer and director james cameron's much anticipated and sometimes ridiculed $200 , 000 , 000 epic , arrives shortly into the theaters so the question naturally arises , whether the film is worth it ? as a business proposition , it seems hard to see how it can ever break even , but as a movie it is nothing short of wonderful . if you've already neatly categorized it as yet another disaster movie a la volcano or the poseidon adventure , think again . the movie is both a great love story told with the disaster as a backdrop and a portrayal of one of the world's most memorable disasters made real and personal by seeing it through the eyes of two young lovers . in either case , it is filmmaking at its best . when we entered the press screening , my wife asked the publicity rep if there would be an intermission since the film runs three and a quarter hours long . he said no but that the time would go by so fast she'd never notice the length . amazingly , he was right . titanic is one of the few long films that doesn't suffer because of it . the lush picture , filmed by russell carpenter in 70mm , opens in the present with two diving subs exploring the wreck of the titanic on the bottom of the ocean . fortune hunter brock lovett ( bill paxton ) leads the expedition looking for the world's most valuable diamond necklace that went down with the ship , known back then as " the ship of dreams . " the necklace's hundred-year-old former owner , rose dewitt bukater ( gloria stuart ) , finds brock to tell him her story . although almost all of the movie happens in flashback , one of the engineers shows the elderly rose exactly how the ship was sunk . using a computer simulation , the movie takes the time to explain what will happen later , which adds immensely to making a lucid story out of what would have otherwise been hopelessly confusing . after twenty minutes , the story makes its jump to the past as the titanic leaves on her maiden voyage . in a classic movie theme , the two parts of the ship , first class and steerage ( third-class ) exist in sharp contrast . the strength of the script is the way it paints the differences between rich and poor without excessive moralizing . entering the ship on its day out is rose along with her millionaire fiance , cal hockley , played with perfect snobbishness by billy zane . and thanks to a last minute winning poker hand , an itinerant artist named jack dawson gets himself into a little shared cabin in third class . even with her own promenade deck , rose feels trapped on the ship , what with an upcoming marriage to a man she loathes . in contrast , jack can barely contain his euphoria at being on board . after jack saves rose from committing suicide , they start a brief but impassioned love affair . never tawdry and rarely explicit , their romance has the power to sweep the audience into the story . leonardo dicaprio in his best performance ever plays jack with confidence and charisma . in so many ways , small and large , he makes all the right decisions in his approach to the part . when he confronts cal , for example , he remains composed and polite and yet subtly undermines every one of cal's supercilious put-downs . kate winslet gives a wonderfully captivating performance as young rose . the chemistry between these two academy award nominees , him for what's eating gilbert grape and her for sense and sensibility , is nothing short of astonishing . from the scene where he embarrasses her by repeatedly asking if she loves her finace to the beautiful one of them hanging off the ship's bow to the one where she embarrasses him by asking him to paint her nude , they dazzle the screen with a pair of mesmerizing performances . if the film breaks after an hour and a half , which is how long cameron wisely waits to have the iceberg show up , you will still get one of the best films of the year . peter lamont's sets are more than authentic . one scene , for example , starts with the planning-to-retire captain , played with insouciance by bernard hill , having his tea on deck . it then shifts to the ship's massive gears and then to the bright-hot boiler room filled with sweating muscular men shoveling in the coals . the handsome interior common rooms of the ship resemble a palace more than an ocean liner . easily the most fascinating part of the story is what happens after the iceberg hits and before the battle with the water begins in earnest . at first , since the iceberg tears a series of little gashes in the hull , not some big gaping hole , the passengers view the hit as more of curiosity than anything else . what a lark . we've struck an iceberg . now let's get back to our brandy and cigars . the ship's musicians play like troopers through it all , even after the panic sets in . after all , they see it as their duty to calm the passengers . when the musicians are about to die , they politely thank each other for the pleasure of being able to play together , and they mean it . their civility borders on insanity , but it is touching nevertheless . the story is so rich that my description has merely touched the surface . there are more than enough characters to love and to hate , and all of the casting is dead-on . special effects work best when their presence becomes almost undetectable . in titanic , for which he created a nine-tenths scale model of the entire ship , cameron strove for accuracy at all costs . the most dramatic moment in the film happens when the ship breaks in two , and the front section becomes vertical in the water . people are flung like ants either into the water to be shortly frozen to death or into other parts of the ship to be crushed immediately . besides being romantic and dramatic , the script includes liberal doses of humor . from the many deliciously subtle verbal put-downs to the physical comedy , as when jack teaches rose to spit like a man , the show elicits laughter in addition to perhaps a few tears . " it's good-bye for a little while , " a less than confident father tells his little girl since it was indeed women and children first . " this boat's for mommies and children . there'll be a boat in a little while for daddies . " basically there was a design decision to have fewer than half of the necessary life boats -- it made the decks look too crowded otherwise . perhaps the sinking is best summarized by one of the guggenheim's on-board the ship . in the dining room with the lifeboats gone and the ship certain to sink , he is offered a life jacket by one of the crew . " no thanks , " the elegantly attired guggenheim replies . " we're dressed in our best and would prefer to go down like gentlemen . but we would like a brandy . " titanic runs 3 : 14 . it is rated pg-13 for tastefully and delicately presented sex and nudity and would be fine for kids twelve and up . the sweet hereafter could serve as a textbook example of the difference between television movies and " real " movies . consider for a moment what a television producer would do with a book that features a fatal school bus accident and a lawyer out to sign up the bereaved -- lots of hot sensationalism interrupted with breaks to sell beer and toothpaste . top-flight writer and director atom egoyan delivers instead a film with tremendous power whose most notable trait is its touching subtlety . based on a respected book of the same name by author russell banks , the movie represents a rethinking of the story's structure , not merely a literal adaptation of the novel . told in linear form by four narrators in the book , egoyan's version happens instead in overlapping time sequences and without a narrator . the author is even on record as applauding egoyan's changes . in the press notes the book's author describes the story as " a parable of lost children . " he says it asks what a town does in the absence of its children . picking up on this , egoyan has a flashback in which a sitter , nicole burnell , played with grace by sarah polley , reads parts of " the pied piper " from an old , illustrated book to her two charges . periodically throughout the picture , nicole's readings are heard in voice-over . you have never heard this moving poem read so sweetly or in such an appropriate moment . they and the rest of the town's children come into harm's way -- some live and others are seriously injured . and the entire small canadian town where the accident occurs is never the same again . although the physical damage is inflicted mainly on the children , the adults bear the emotional scars of the loss . ian holm , in arguably the best performance of his distinguished career , plays mitchell stephens , an intense man of quiet misery . mitchell is the outsider in the story set in a small , snow-encrusted community in the british columbian wilderness . his mission there is a singular one , to sign up the parents so that he can sue someone , anyone , on their behalf . if this seems crass , well it is , but mitchell approaches his job with the dedication of a religious zealot . the story unfolds slowly and always believably . each little aspect has its own fascination . as mitchell interviews wendell and rita walker , played with quiet realism by maury chaykin and alberta watson , he has a simple task . he wants them to suggest some model couple in the village who has a lost a child so that he can use that couple to form the basis of the suit . wendell ticks off one town member after another and then , as one can in a small town , enumerates each person's numerous faults . although the town is no peyton place , people there do have their foibles . one of the best parents in the town appears to be billy ansell ( bruce greenwood ) , who rides his pickup behind the school bus everyday just so he can wave good-bye to his kids . well , single parent billy's fault is that he has regularly scheduled trysts with the married rita . his confessions to rita about his feelings of loss are one of the many heartfelt outpourings in the story . the accident itself , a simple one of a bus hitting a patch of ice , isn't shown until the middle of the picture , but , nevertheless , the mystery about it builds throughout the film . although the picture is no detective story , finding out exactly what happened is a subtheme in a movie that is primarily a character study of a town gripped by tragedy . as the injured bus driver , gabrielle rose , dolores driscoll plays the role of a dedicated individual who loves kids with a passion and for whom the tragedy takes on special meaning . to round out the story , mitchell has his own private tragedy to bear . his daughter zoe ( caerthan banks ) is a drug addict who has bounced in and out of one half-way house and recovery center after another . fond of calling her dad on his cell phone so she can ask for money or help , she interrupts him at many emotionally charged moments as he attempts to sign up the townsfolk . ( " i can help you , " mitchell tries to reassure billy . " not unless you can raise the dead , " billy snaps back . mitchell's pitch is never an easy one and worrying about zoe only makes it harder . ) mychael danna's haunting music sets the stage for tragedy . the cinematography by paul sarossy is sweeping in its outdoor grandeur , but it is in the warm , shadowy , intimate moments indoors where it works best . the show , which is ripe for emotional manipulation , never plays with its audience . still , when the house lights go up , you may feel as i did . i could barely breathe ; i was so overcome by the sum total of what i had witnessed . more than anything , the film is like a master painting . each cinematic brush stroke is carefully laid down by egoyan with the beauty building with each dollop of paint . with the final color in place , the masterpiece is complete , and the ending credits roll . the sweet hereafter runs 1 : 50 . it is rated r for mature themes , sexuality and some profanity and would be fine teenagers . ( warning to those who have not seen seven : this review contains some spoiler information . ) seven is a powerful , fully-realized film on the level of the silence of the lambs . it is a disturbing film that accomplishes its biggest of goals--it occupies the viewers mind long after the closing credits have rolled . while this film is not for the squeamish , there is no denying that seven demands attention , for it is a film that transcends its genre in both style and substance . for starters , classifying seven as a " thriller " would not be an altogether complete classification of this film . while i was genuinely thrilled throughout , i would rather call seven an " intense drama , " because that is what it delivers--meaningful scenes with a relentlessness that does not readily let up . part of director david finchers accomplishment is in style . he seems to have a knack for knowing exactly how the average person fears something as " simple " as a corpse . and visually , fincher shows us the remains of murder victims in all-too-realistic and graphic terms ( courtesy of rob bottin's always-grisly special effects ) . throw in the appropriate but not-to-be-underestimated effects of lighting and a foreboding score and the result is a technical masterpiece of the murder scene . these scenes alone are quite impressive ; as fascinating as they are harrowing . yet , seven is more than just a technical accomplishment . in addition to style , fincher supplies substance . seven has compelling characters that it wants us to know and understand , and fincher ties them all together in a completely pessimistic view of society . detective william somerset ( morgan freeman ) is a man who has nearly given up on the world . its easy to see why . the world doesn't make sense . ( somerset drives this point home with a rather ghastly story of a robbery victim who was attacked just blocks from the police precinct . after knocked down and robbed of his wallet , the attacker stabbed the helpless man in both eyes . ) why should somerset believe that by following this murder investigation and " picking up the pieces " he will be able to catch the killer ? somersets new partner , david mills ( brad pitt ) has not given up on the world , perhaps because he is still young ( and perhaps by having this optimism he's naive in this films portrayal of the world ) . he completely disagrees with somersets abandonment of hope . however , david's wife ( gwyneth paltrow ) has so much fear of her urban surroundings , she isn't even sure if she wants to * tell * her husband about her recent pregnancy , let alone carry it until birth and attempt to raise it in this environment . these three characters are all performed with skill and authenticity that makes them feel like real people and not the typical hollywood characters a lesser film might have offered . and in addition to making clear how each of these characters sees the world , fincher gives us support for * why * they feel the way they do . but if there's one character that underlines the message seven is trying to convey , it has to be the killer , john doe ( kevin spacey ) . seven's payoff lies in its ability to allow us to see how the killer views the world and what drives him to do what he does . one important thing to remember about doe is how easy it is to simply dismiss him as a " psycho , " with no motives behind his slayings . this is exactly the mistake mills makes . in the extremely intense and superbly performed closing scenes , were allowed to see that doe is , in his mind , merely a product of society . he's a killer who kills those who are bringing society down . in his mind he didn't kill " innocent " people , and , perhaps , they were not completely innocent ( but , then again , who is ? ) . hes absolutely infuriated that mills believes that the murder victims were innocent . really , seven doesn't just comment on the superficial obviousness of how screwed-up john doe is . seven makes larger statements about how screwed-up society is , hinting that society's degradation is simply conducive of creating more john does . besides the stylistic and larger-issue arguments for seeing this film , i recommend seven because it is , after all , also a very slick and well-made thriller . it features exciting plot developments , commanding performances , lots of suspense , and a conclusion that is chilling , riveting , and quite unfair . but then again , its a cruel world . modern audiences are more likely to be familiar with les misirables from the pop-broadway musical rather than victor hugo's original tome . adapted several times for the cinema , this latest effort does a superb job of translating the characters , story , and heart of the novel to the screen . liam neeson stars as jean valjean . as a young man , valjean stole some bread to satisfy his hunger . . . and he was sentenced to 19 years of hard labor for his crimes . prison hardened him , and on his release he seems doomed to a life of crime and squalor . however , an unexpected act of compassion changes his outlook on life , and he vows to become a better man . however , he runs up against one man who doesn't believe in reform . inspector javert ( geoffrey rush ) is an obsessive law abider . he has no tolerance for anyone who breaks the rules , even with benign intentions . he once served as a guard at the labor camp where valjean served , and after valjean breaks his parole , javert devotes himself to bringing him to justice . two women also get caught up in the struggle . fantine ( uma thurman ) is an unwed mother suffocating in an unforgiving society . her daughter , cosette ( mimi newman , and later , claire danes ) , is her life , yet she cannot afford to raise her . instead , cosette is sent to live with a cruel foster family which extorts money from fantine , and forces cosette into a life little better than a slave . director bille august manages to create a faithful adaptation of victor hugo's novel , which , though omitting some of the political undertones , remains true to the overall story and tone of the book . hopefully you won't , as some clueless members of the audience did , wonder where all the songs went . the movie manages to be completely engrossing without the andrew lloyd webber flourishes . the experience is bolstered by strong performances throughout , though neeson and rush deservedly take center stage with their core roles . neeson in particular deserves kudos for his portrayal of a man trying to do good , but continually haunted by his past . the supporting cast is also extraordinary . the only actor who dims in comparison is hans matheson , playing the revolutionary , marius . the film slightly loses its luster during his brief love affair , but it is transitory , and truly only distracting when contrasted with the rest of the film . the novel les misirables is , by any account , an epic , both in its scope and in its length . while it would be nearly impossible to cram everything from its pages into a two hour movie , this latest attempt does an admirable job at the translation . it , too , is an epic . . . and one worth seeing . i was born in 1970 , which makes me barely old enough to remember bell buttons , 8 tracks and disco . however , since i was 17 years old i've seen more than my share of adult films . i mention this only because i thinks its important to state up front that i'm not against pornogrpahy . i've seen enough of these films to know the range of content and quality available . director paul thomas anderson's boogie nights offers us a view into the world of porn during the period considered to be the golden age of adult cinema , the mid to late 70s . this was the period when x-rated movies were real movies , shot on film , shown in movie theaters and even reviewed by legitimate critics . this was an age when porn directors actually aspired to make innovative often educational films , films that attempted to tell a real story . one of the more fascinating aspects of this film is how , like in an any other billion dollar industry , the creative visionaries tend to be ignorant to the trends that will soon make them obsolete . in this case , the arrival of the now ubiquitous videocassette . burt reynold's manages to resuscitate his career portraying such an auteur , known as jack horner . horner's has a steady " family " of performers , some of whom live in his plush l . a . home . but in the world of porn , performers are a commodity - the fresher , the better . when horner scouts a fresh faced stud bussing tables at his favorite discotheque , he decides to add him to his stable . it is a pairing that leads to a meteoric rise and fall for a young man reaching his prime and an old man rapidly speeding past his . as directed by anderson , the camera moves through many of the scenes with an eerie omnipresence and an almost childlike curiosity to peer beyond the closed door . boogie nights provides a voyeuristic peep into the underbelly of l . a . 's hardcore film scene . but the peep show doesnut let us walk away when the titillation ends . the downside of voyeurism is sometimes we end up seeing things we wish we hadnut . by the film's final image , what we we once found titillating has now become a grim reminder of the vanity of fame and the high price of realizing your dreams . boogie nights is not about sex . it does not glorify porn or the lifestyles of the performers . in fact , the film isn't really about pornography at all . pornography is merely the setting to tell a compelling story about a lost and forgotten group of people who form their own sub-culture to find acceptance of who they are . the film goes to brilliant , often hilarious and sometimes harrowing lengths to show us that the people who choose to produce or perform in these films are generally not all that bright and lack the basic tools to function in the mainstream world . yet , like in the lauded tarantino films , these people still have their own moral code , their own concepts of integrity and their own needs to experess themselves creatively . the characters we meet are like a road map of dysfuntion . first stop , the den mother ( julianne moore ) in denial about her addiction to cocaine as she tries to retain custody of her son . second stop , the cuckold crewman ( william h . macy ) who keeps discovering his wife having sex with anyone and everyone ( the wife is played in hilarious cameos by real-life porn star nina hartley ) . but the driving force behind the plot is 17 year old eddie adams . eddie is blessed with a natural endowment so famous that people actually pay just to see it . with no real ambition of his own , he hooks up with jack horner to fullfill his destiny of fame . his alcoholic mother , clearly dissatisfied with her own lot , abuses him verbally and drives him out of the house . horner introduces him to amber waves ( moore ) who immediately adopts him , a nuclear family is born . the surrogate relationship that develops between amber waves and her " babies " provides some of the films most poignant scenes . clearly , she is not even fit to manage her own life , let alone nurture these lost children . but the need to love and be loved is so strong , they easily ignore the dangers of the less subtle addiction she introduces them to . even the viewer is somehow lulled into feeling like the love she offers is similar to being in a real family . then again , perhaps its not so different from real families at all . eddie adams , who later takes on the screen name " dirk diggler " , is skillfully acted by former pop-star , mark wahlberg . i say " former " pop star because with this performance wahlberg can officially quit his day job . this is bold and brave territory for such a young man . he pulls it off marvelously . wahlberg is a " big , bright star " with a big bright future . boogie nights plays very much in the spirit of the people versus larry flynt , without the first amendment preachiness . its intimate studies of character make it the superior film . wahlberg's surprising performance is on par with woody harrelson's . but in my opinion , boogie nights , is not the best film of the year . i got the feeling that itus 2 1/2 hour running time could have been cut by 15 or 20 minutes without losing any of its resonance . still , if the subject matter of this film intimidates you , thereus no doubt that once you start watching boogie nights you may still feel like its not your thing , but youull find yourself grooving to it anyway . . . ya know , kinda like disco . i remember making a pact , right after `patch adams' , to not be easily be suckered by movies dripping with sentimentality . but darn it , `music of the heart' is just layered with feel-good material and bright characterizations . it's hard to dislike a movie that uses such skill with it's manipulation . in addition , it's also a terrific family film . this is the true story of violin teacher roberta guaspari , who fought the school board to keep the musical program active in a handful of inner city harlem schools . it could also be described as `mrs . streep's opus' . yes , meryl streep brings her dramatic clout to the demanding role of guaspari , and that brings both good news and bad . out of the gate , possibly because of her distracting star power and the rushed writing , it is relatively difficult to identify with roberta's character and grasp her academic point-of-view . she is very strict with her students , but what insight does that create into the story ? slowly but surely , we begin to recognize the intentions of the character , and show admiration for the thoughtfulness and human feeling that streep has once again applied . one thoroughly interesting fact about `music of the heart' lies with the unlikely presence in the director's chair : horror veteran wes craven . after leaving an impression with the `scream' films and the original `nightmare on elm street' , craven has attempted a precarious cross-over to drama . at first , his inexperience with the genre is fairly obvious , but as the film progresses craven finds a surprisingly comfortable niche with directing this material . it doesn't carry the heart-warming courage of `mr . holland's opus' , but `music of the heart' is casually assured and filled with little morsels of dramatic truth . the tag team of streep and craven works better than you would anticipate . yes , oscar could come calling once again for meryl streep , but it's the solid ensemble cast that makes `music of the heart' work . angela bassett displays her usual forceful stamina as janet williams , the principal at an inner city school who initially doesn't hire roberta because of her lack of experience . blue-eyed adian quinn is endearing , as always , playing a new love interest . gloria estefan also delivers in the tiny role of a supportive second-grade teacher , and the three lead actresses together produce a flaming fireball of estrogenic force . it's like a schoolteacher's version of `thelma and louise' , in a restrained but effective manner . the movie tackles more issues than just guaspari's teaching of violin . there's some powerful moments between roberta and her two sons , who must cope when their father leaves them for another woman . in it's dramatic build-up , the movie manages to produce some authentic moments of feeling and warmth . it's a good movie for anyone to see , although missing out on the experience would not be a life-altering decision . it's commendable of wes craven to be attempting such a difficult cross-over , and also for achieving his intricate goal . watching this heartfelt chick flick about morals and musical instruments , who may ask yourself : this is the guy who directed `scream' ? of course , when the third installment of that series comes around in february 2000 ( with craven directing ) , you may find yourself wondering : this is the guy who directed `music of the heart' ? mission accomplished , wes . thankfully , there is no layer of artificial sentiment covering the film . in it's entirety , it's a wholesome and agreeable movie for the whole family , despite the periodic flaws that surface every once in awhile . the child actors are cute and perform up to par , even if some of their problems are clich ? d and predictable in the extreme . the mother who doesn't want her son to be learning `white man's music' , the unexpected casuality . . . basically everything is there . it doesn't strike the perfect chord , but `music of the heart' is highly convincing . the uplifting true story of roberta guaspari could have been told better , but `music of the heart' is still edifying enough to properly divulge her morals . vannesa kensington : `austin , do you smoke after sex ? ' austin powers : `i don't know baby , i've never looked ! ' and so begins our journey into the most anticipated sequel of the summer season . austin powers 2 , the sequel to the sleeper hit of 1997 , is filled to the brim with uproarious sight gags and lurid toilet jokes that will make you keel over with hilarity . the mind of mike myers is obviously a very bizarre place . myers returns as the swinging 60's spy and his arch-nemesis , the bald headed dr . evil , who is given much of the spotlight here . there's an early scene in which dr . evil and his son scott ( seth green ) appear on a jerry springer segment entitled `my dad is evil and wants to take over the world' , hosted by springer himself . most of these talk-show gags , spoofing everything from oprah to regis and kathie lee , are no longer as funny as they once were . happily , this is an exception , especially when a fight breaks out between dr . evil and the other guests . ( sample dialogue- `come back here you mother #@%$^ ! ! you want a piece of me ? ' ) the audience was in stitches . there are many good things about this sequel . dr . evil is now assisted by mini-me ( verne troyer ) , a pint-sized clone who is the result of an experiment gone awry . mini-me is the most perfect new character that any fan could ask for , and troyer does a terrific job of mimicking everything that his big brother does , pinkie and all . mindy sterling returns as frau farbissina , evil's loud-mouth assassin sidekick , and here we are treated to a brief romantic liaison between the two in an underground bedroom chamber . this works surprisingly well . afterward , there's even a meeting at the coffee machine , where their awkwardness is expressed in a scene you would expect in any normal office environment . oh , yes . . . the plot . after a short honeymoon with vanessa kensington ( elizabeth hurley ) that goes disastrously wrong , powers is back on the case to thwart the diabolical plans of dr . evil . in the original , the subject of the day was cryogenic freezing that enabled the characters to hop between two time periods . here , it's time travel . dr . evil has this crazy plan to steal austin's mojo ( the source of his sexual powers ) , so he jumps through a time portal back into 1969 when powers is still is his freezing chamber . there , he employs a grotesque 600-pound scottish assassin named fat bastard ( also myers ) to commandeer the mojo , so that our future hero is left completely shagless . meanwhile , austin is informed of evil's wrong-doing by basil exposition ( michael york ) , and is supplied with his very own time-traveling device in the form of a volkswagen beetle . once back in 1969 , powers meets a foxy cia operative named felicity shagwell ( heather graham ) , and learns of dr . evil's plans to destroy washington dc with a lazer on the moon . in one of the many uproarious jabs at star wars , evil calls the moon base a `death star' . if there ever was a movie that knew from the start it was a complete joke , it's austin powers : the spy who shagged me . ap2 has many hilarious moments , much more so , than the original austin powers . but what it doesn't have is the confident support system that the first boasted , and the jokes are now more scattershot and hit-and-miss . while myers has a knack for delivering clever , inspired gags , he sometimes doesn't know when to call it quits . the hilarious scene in the original involving mustafa ( will ferrell ) and his refusal to die is played out here in a disappointing and tired manner . robert wagner , as dr . evil's #2 man , has only one scene early on in the film , where he lacks all the focus of the character . one nice surprise is rob lowe , as the young #2 , who patterns wagner's voice and movements right down to a tee . there are more recycled jokes from the predecessor , including kristen johnston as ivana humpalot ( an unfunny rendition of alotta fagina ) . but myers has clearly put so much dedication into this project , and many bits are side-splittingly funny . don't miss an extended visual gag in a tent , where the shadows leave much to the imagination . . . . of the new characters , graham doesn't leave much of an impression . her performance is merely okay , and she lacks the gung-ho enthusiasm that made elizabeth hurley so enjoyable before her . and as for fat bastard . . . well , he provides one or two hilarious moments , but all of the obesity jokes and bathroom talk go too far . but my most severe complaint : mr . bigglesworth was only in one scene ! ! but , with gritted teeth , i managed to get over that . this sequel will not leave fans disappointed ; it's more often than not a laugh riot . and , i look optimistically to the future , where i foresee more installments to the austin powers collection . if myers can up the quota of fresh ideas , we should be in store for much more . ( c ) 1999 , jamey hughton . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . jamey hughton ( 15 ) has written a weekly column in the starphoenix , saskatoon , sk since november , 1997 . he was a 1999 writing finalist in the canadian ytv achievement awards . the premise of the new teen-targeted horror film `final destination' causes a recollection of a memorable `simpsons' halloween episode . after attempting to repair a malfunctioning toaster , lovably ignorant patriarch homer realizes he has created a portable time-machine . after a trek into the cretaceous period , homer observes that any minor alteration made there will erupt into a starling chain of events and seriously modify the present world . again and again , homer toys with the master plan and pays dearly for it . the characters of `final destination' have also tampered with the blueprint schematics of their existence - their `design' . someone is after them with the strict intent of correcting the mistake . that someone is death . you see , alex browning ( devon sawa ) and six others have cheated the grim reaper . . . . but the dude has got some tricks up his sleeve . for a high school excursion , alex's french class is traveling to paris by airline transport . alex , tense and neurotic , has a shocking premonition after boarding : he sees the plane , and every passenger on it , spontaneously explode in mid-air . in a panic of sheer lunacy , alex charges his way through the aisle and demands removal from the aircraft . after a handful of others ( including one teacher ) follow and are denied admittance back onto the plane , the unwitting ? survivors' watch in horror as the plane actually explodes in the drizzling night sky . the loony vision alex experiences does actually materialize . but death won't be cheated so easily , and one by one , the survivors of flight 180 are offed in mysteriously gruesome circumstances . the grisly murder count baffles the local officials and fbi . before i delve into the meat of the review , i'd just like to confer . . . . is that one helluva premise , or what ? `final destination' , creepy beyond rational comprehension , probably reads more like an unsettling `x-files' episode than `the simpsons' - therefore , the surprise is minimal when you discover the mutual creators behind both are glen morgan and james wong . on familiar turf , the task of establishing footing is not difficult for morgan and wong , and the opening 20 minutes of `final destination' reflects that . unlike most thrillers , the set-up is crisp and cool . you just deeply , sincerely hope that the momentum won't unspool , leaving us with a second-string effort with nothing but cheap , derivative shocks . young viewers have a palpable reason to expect this kind of formula deterioration , what with `i know what you did last summer' and sequel , `idle hands' and -- a movie with a nifty premise that just plunged like an anvil -- `urban legend' . after the set-up , when i remained slouched apprehensively in my chair , i started to really have fun with `final destination' . low and behold , a teen thriller that is actually unsettling , actually suspenseful and -- yes -- actually intelligent . some splotty logic and a heap of characteristic genre flaws aside , this film is among the most refreshing and all-out enjoyable horror movies to submerge since the cutting-edge `scream' in 1996 . `final destination' stimulates the nerves and offers a exhilarating retaliation strike against all the blood-spattered slasher crap we've endured throughout the past few years . not that the characters are that good . sawa is game as alex , a connect-the-dots personality that we never fully comprehend . in addition , the survivors are endearing geek tod ( chad e . donella ) , jocky control-freak carter ( kerr smith of `dawson's creek' ) , carter's ditzy girlfriend terry ( amanda detmer ) , the none-too-subtly named billy hitchcock ( seann william scott , supplier of lukewarm comic relief ) and a lone teacher - the emotionally delicate ms . lewton ( kristin cloke ) . aside from alex , the primary center of interest is intended to be ali larter ( `varsity blues' ) , playing an abstract character named clear rivers ( what were her parents thinking ? ! ? ) . the personality of clear is written with such a vague , nebulous definition that she resembles a walking flash-card saying `hello , i am the offbeat character designed to identify with the main character's plight ! ' toss a few stereotypical fbi agents ( daniel roebuck and roger guenveur smith ) and a . . . . ummm . . . `spiritual' mortician ( former `candyman' tony todd ) into the mix , and you have what could be another generic teenage frightfest with slicing , dicing and assorted disembowelments . not so . `final destination' has no slicing and dicing , or at least none dealt by a human killer , and the thought of death itself as the unseen stalker is unique and frightening . the extra dimension of disconcerting irony rejuvenates the decaying ? murderer-on-the-loose' concept , with assistance from a shrewd , intelligently paced screenplay by morgan , wong and jeffrey reddick . the plot twists are fun and clever without toppling into utter absurdity ( listen up , `reindeer games' ) . but i suppose the most satisfying aspect of `final destination' is the murder scenes . creative , resourceful and breathlessly inventive , the death sequences involve an unlikely string of events leading to a character's demise . what will trigger the accident ? will it be the john denver record , just put on to play `rocky mountain high' ? ( yeah , sick humor ) . will it be the leaking toilet ? the falling fishing reel in the corner ? the murders are startling and largely unforeseen , including one surprise incident that made the audience jump out of their seats and giggle nervously for roughly a minute afterward . a sense of giddy unpredictability is added with this inventive approach . it gets sorta tasteless and cheap sometimes , but who cares ? it's fun . in that simple regard , `final destination' is my cup of tea . this stylishly executed thriller , although tagged with laughable circumstances and the occasional snippet of lame dialogue , is an immensely entertaining jaunt to the dark side . after the show , it will also have an frightening impact on you . when will your ? design' expire ? is death waiting around the corner ? the `final' effect is a major case of the heebie-jeebies . it is easy to see why the late stanley kubrick believed steven spielberg would be the perfect director for his a . i . artificial intelligence , just as it is understandable why spielberg was attracted to the material . for here we have another lost boy trying to find his way home , an outcast seeking family , themes very familiar from most of spielberg's body of work from sugarland express to close encounters of the third kind to e . t . to empire of the sun to hook to saving private ryan , naming just a few examples . a . i . is set in an undefined near future in which giant technological advances have led to the creation of robots who serve every purpose from housekeeping to fulfilling sexual fantasies . it is an era when robots are treated merely as sophisticated appliances . the last great leap in robotic evolution is the addition of emotions , and with the number of births limited by the government , many couples are yearning for children . and professor hobby ( william hurt ) has the solution . a robotic boy named david ( haley joel osment ) , who is programmed to love . as a test , david is placed with henry swinton ( sam robards ) and his wife , monica ( frances o'connor ) . their natural-born son has been cryogenically frozen until a cure can be found for his illness . the first third of a . i . deals with david's life with the swintons and how that is changed by the recovery and return of their son , martin . circumstances force david to be cut off from the swintons . he is abandoned and alone . david , highly influenced by the fairy tale , pinocchio , feels that if he becomes a real boy he can rekindle monica's love for him . the film's second act follows david's search for the blue fairy , whom he believes will be able to fulfill his wish . during these adventures he meets and is helped by gigolo joe ( jude law ) , a robot who specializes in sex . spielberg is at his top form in this sequence , offering a brutal " flesh fair " where robots are destroyed via sadistic methods for the amusement of paying customers . here , is where kubrick's influence is strongly felt , as the movie explores the fear and distrust humans have for robots . the savagery conjures up images from the late director's a clockwork orange . at about two hours and 30 minutes , the film begins to falter during the last 20 minutes , a sequence that seems most spielbergian with images that appear to be borrowed from close encounters . it is all very anti-climatic and jarring . these scenes seem almost superfluous , as if from a different film . a . i . is a dark fairy tale that deserves its pg-13 rating . it is a story combining hope and intolerance , sacrifice and bigotry , and while it does not coalesce perfectly , the movie does offer some disturbing images . but a . i . is really a showcase for the acting talents of the amazing young osment . if ever an actor deserved an academy award nomination , it is this lad , who brings a sense of joy and wonder to the role of david , a being created for the express purpose of loving . he shines when with monica , beaming with love , as eager as a puppy to please . after being left in the woods , he is confused , lost , hurt , focusing on one objective : to become a real boy and find his way home so he can redeem himself in his mother's eyes . law is pleasant as the care-free robot who really doesn't understand david's quest , but is nonetheless happy to help him on his journey . probably the toughest role is o'connor's monica . playing an emotional fragile woman who sees david as a substitute for her lost martin , she grows conflicted after her boy returns and she begins to perceive david not as a second chance , but as a threat to her family . she gives her character enough emotional chaos that you cannot fault her for her course of action . many of a . i . 's futuristic sets are breathtaking , especially a mostly submerged new york , lost to the world by the melting of the polar ice caps . a . i . is a flawed film , and you cannot get through the entire feature without pondering - even subconsciously - how it would have turned out with kubrick instead of spielberg behind the camera . would it have been darker ? more cynical ? we will never know . we can only judge what is before us on the screen , a collaboration of two cinematic giants . a . i . is a most interesting and thought-provoking examination of a future that is quickly gaining on us . here's a word analogy : amistad is to the lost world as schindler's list is to jurassic park . in 1993 , after steven spielberg made the monster dino hit , many critics described schindler's list as the director's " penance " ( as if there was a need for him to apologize for making a crowd-pleasing blockbuster ) . now , after a three-year layoff , spielberg is back with a vengeance . once again , his summer release was special effects-loaded action/adventure flick with dinosaurs munching on human appetizers . now , following his 1993 pattern , he has fashioned another serious , inspirational christmas release about the nature of humanity . that film is amistad . although not as masterful as schindler's list , amistad is nevertheless a gripping motion picture . thematically rich , impeccably crafted , and intellectually stimulating , the only area where this movie falls a little short is in its emotional impact . watching schindler's list was a powerful , almost spiritual , experience . spielberg pulled us into the narrative , absorbed us in the drama , then finally let us go , exhausted and shattered , three-plus hours later . aspects of the movie have stayed with me ever since . amistad , while a fine example of film making , is not as transcendent . the incident of the ship la amistad is not found in any history books , but , considering who writes the texts , that's not a surprise . however , the event is a part of the american social and legal fabric , and , while amistad does not adhere rigorously to the actual account , most of the basic facts are in order . several , mostly minor changes have been made to enhance the film's dramatic force . on the whole , while amistad may not be faithful to all of the details of the situation , it is true to the spirit and meaning of what transpired . one stormy night during the summer of 1839 , the 53 men imprisoned on the spanish slave ship la amistad escape . led by the lion-hearted cinque ( djimon hounsou ) , they take control of the vessel , killing most of the crew . adrift somewhere off the coast of cuba and uncertain how to make their way back to africa , they rely on the two surviving spaniards to navigate the eastward journey . they are tricked , however , and the la amistad , which makes its way northward off the united states' eastern coastline , is eventually captured by an american naval ship near connecticut . the kidnapped africans are shackled and thrown into prison , charged with murder and piracy . the first men to come to the africans' defense are abolitionists theodore joadson ( morgan freeman ) and lewis tappan ( stellan skarsgard ) . they are soon joined by roger baldwin ( matthew mcconaughey ) , a property attorney of little repute . aided by advice from former president john quincy adams ( anthony hopkins ) , baldwin proves a more persuasive orator than anyone gave him credit for , and his central argument -- that the prisoners were illegally kidnapped free men , not property -- convinces the judge . but powerful forces have aligned against baldwin's cause . current president martin van buren ( nigel hawthorne ) , eager to please southern voters and 11-year old queen isabella of spain ( anna paquin ) , begins pulling strings behind-the-scenes to ensure that none of the africans goes free . at its heart , amistad is a tale of human courage . cinque is a heroic figure whose spirit remains unbreakable regardless of the pain and indignity he is subjected to . he is a free man , not a slave , and , while he recognizes that he may die as a result of his struggle , he will not give it up . effectively portrayed by newcomer djimon hounsou , whose passion and screen presence arrest our attention , cinque is the key to viewers seeing the amistad africans as more than symbols in a battle of ideologies . they are individuals , and our ability to make that distinction is crucial to the movie's success . to amplify this point , spielberg presents many scenes from the africans' point-of-view , detailing their occasionally-humorous observations about some of the white man's seemingly-strange " rituals " . the larger struggle is , of course , one of defining humanity . as the nazis felt justified in slaughtering jews because they viewed their victims as " sub-human , " so the pro-slavery forces of amistad use a similar defense . the abolitionists regard the africans as men , but the slavers and their supporters see them as animals or property . in a sense , the morality of slavery is on trial here with the specter of civil war , which would break out less than three decades later , looming over everything . amistad's presentation of the legal and political intricacies surrounding the trial are fascinating , making this movie one of the most engrossing courtroom dramas in recent history . four claimants come forward against the africans : the state , which wants them tried for murder ; the queen of spain , who wants them handed over to her under the provision of an american/spanish treaty ; two american naval officers , who claim the right of high seas salvage ; and the two surviving spaniards from la amistad , who demand that their property be returned to them . baldwin must counter all of these claims , while facing a challenge to his own preconceived notions as the result of a relationship he develops with cinque . even though attorney and client are divided by a language barrier , they gradually learn to communicate . aside from cinque , who is a fully-realized individual , characterization is spotty , but the acting is top-notch . matthew mcconaughey successfully overcomes his " pretty boy " image to become baldwin , but the lawyer is never particularly well-defined outside of his role in the la amistad case . likewise , while morgan freeman and stellan skarsgard are effective as joadson and tappan , they are never anything more than " abolitionists . " nigel hawthorne , who played the title character in the madness of king george , presents martin van buren as a spineless sycophant to whom justice means far less than winning an election . finally , there's anthony hopkins , whose towering portrayal of john quincy adams is as compelling as anything the great actor has recently done . hopkins , who can convincingly play such diverse figures as a serial killer , an emotionally-crippled english butler , and richard nixon , makes us believe that he is adams . his ten-minute speech about freedom and human values is unforgettable . one point of difference worth noting between amistad and schindler's list is this film's lack of a well-defined human villain . schindler's list had ralph fiennes' superbly-realized amon goeth , who was not only a three-dimensional character , but a personification of all that the nazis stood for . there is no such figure in amistad . the villain is slavery , but an ideology , no matter how evil , is rarely the best adversary . it is to spielberg's credit that he has fashioned such a compelling motion picture without a prominent antagonist . amistad's trek to the screen , which encountered some choppy waters ( author barbara chase-riboud has cried plagiarism , a charge denied by the film makers ) , comes in the midst of an upsurge of interest in the incident . an opera of the same name opened in chicago on november 29 , 1997 . numerous books about the subject are showing up on bookstore shelves . it remains to be seen how much longevity the amistad phenomena has , but one thing is certain -- with spielberg's rousing , substantive film leading the way , the spotlight has now illuminated this chapter of american history . you know you're in for a truly different cinematic experience the moment you realize steve buscemi has been cast as the movie in question's most normal character . such is the case with " the big lebowski , " joel and ethan coen's first venture since their " fargo " nabbed nationwide acclaim and a mantlepiece of academy award nods . there's no need to fear that the coens suffered creative burnout with that accomplishment , because " lebowski " is an effort that makes words like " strange " and " unusual " seem like an understatement . thanks in part to delicious characterization and an all-encompassing sense of humor , the film is a smashing success . the central oddball here is the dude ( jeff bridges ) , an unemployed cad whose ambitions appear to be zilch beyond smoking pot , drinking beer and going bowling ( are you college students already rooting for him , or what ? ) . one night , a pair of thugs break into his house and pee on his carpet , a threatening act that's supposed to be carried out against a famous pasadena millionaire ( david huddleston ) who shares his birth name -- jeff lebowski -- with the dude . once the dude realizes this coincidence , he visits the big lebowski in hopes to claim reparations for his soiled rug , and is back to his normal life with alley pals walter ( john goodman ) , a hotheaded vietnam vet , and donny ( buscemi ) , a mild-mannered surfer , before too long . soon , though , lebowski's trampy trophy wife bunny ( tara reid ) is kidnaped and held for a hefty ransom , and he turns to the dude for help . it seems bunny's troubles are related to a line of work she's kept secret from her husband -- she's actually an adult film star and is very in debt with a shady producer named jackie treehorn . the dude , now on lebowski's payroll , accepts the offer and agrees to handle the money drop ; walter tags along and insists that the dude keep the cash for himself . chaos obviously ensues , and the dude eventually finds himself in hot water with cops , crooks and lebowski's ultra-eccentric artist daughter maude ( julianne moore ) . " the big lebowski " deserves to win the coens the same amount of acclaim that " fargo " did ; while that 1996 black comedy was certainly a better film , " lebowski " is at least as breathtakingly imaginative . the movie boasts a mile-high absurdity level that sometimes threatens to topple over , but thankfully never does . the coens ( joel directed , ethan produced and both wrote ) keep you in stitches as they unravel their exceedingly loopy tale , and must be commended for juggling a number of people and subplots one would expect to find in a robert altman flick . whether we're watching bridges fend off a marmet in his bathtub or moore don viking duds and dance in a busby berkeley-esque dream sequence , " the big lebowski " is immensely lively . there are those who will dislike this film , but not because it's boring . the cast has a great deal of fun with the bounteous material they're given . bridges exudes a likeable , surprisingly sweet presence ; his dude sure isn't the cleanest guy around , but you'd still follow him to another movie . goodman merits 1998's first oscar consideration , as walter's manic temper is one of " the big lebowski " 's many highlights ; the same goes for moore , whose throaty , delectable performance as maude is a hilarious hoot . john turturro may very well steal the movie with his two scenes as a colorful bowler from a rival faction . sam elliott's rambling narration gets the film off to a solid start . and some will recognize peter stormare -- " fargo " 's silent heavy -- as carl hungus , a porn star who's really a samurai sword-wielding german nihilist and has-been pop star . only in its final third does the movie falter , with a couple of loose plot threads and some cast members who quickly disappear and never emerge for a curtain call . these flaws are forgivable , though -- the coens have crafted a tale so rich with personality that it's hard to look at the final product with anything but a big grin on your face . without a doubt , " the big lebowski " is the best film so far this year . sure , we're only three months in and the competition ( " deep rising , " " desperate measures , " " the wedding singer , " etc . ) has been pretty bland , but it's still the gospel truth . maybe during next awards season , " lebowski " won't be a far cry from " fargo . " a couple of months ago , when i first downloaded the face/off trailer from the net , my initial reaction was a fourteen carrot gold 'yawn' . followed swiftly by a press of my computers delete key , not wanting to waste six or seven megabytes of precious space on this piss-poor trailer . then i started reading the first wave of reviews from the u . s . . . . . unique . . . excellent . . . . must-see . well , i thought still skeptical , i suppose i might as well go see it when it gets here . 'here' , of course , was still three months away . i'll admit , when i trotted off to see this film , the only john woo movie i had seen before was the fairly enjoyable but highly forgetable broken arrow . i'd heard good things about his previous work with movies like hard boiled , but his films were definitely not on my must-see list . that , let me tell you , has changed completely . i knew this fact only five minutes into the film , after the brilliantly shot and acted opening sequence where sean archer loses his son blew me off my feet . the acting throughout the film is staggeringly good for an action flick . seriously . i've never been a big john travolta fan , but he , like cage , perfectly suited his role in the movie . . . . . sorry , make that 'roles' in the movie . even travolta's great performance , however , paled in comparison to cage's character portrayals . my favourite cage scene was definitely when he was crashed out in compardre dietrich hassler's hideout . half drugged out of his mind , he sits there reclining back in a chair talking about his son's death from castor's perspective - " doesn't it just break your heart . " he mutters coldly . now don't go thinking from the previous comments about brilliant acting that this is a drama focused movie - it's not . that's what really makes this movie unique . it's an action movie with brilliantly portrayed characters . . . . . not a common mix at all . suspension of disbelief is paramount in this movie though . . . . . that's the only way to overlook the fact that travolta and cage fire around 5671 rounds at each other . . . . and never hit . several action scenes are just so well choreographed that they just make wish that you could press 'rewind' and watch it over again . the part where archer and troy have a stand off on either side of a double-sided mirror is just plain brilliant . whilst cage's and travolta's performances would be enough alone to sustain most movies , the lesser characters are just as intriguing . joan allen , who usually sticks to the straight drama movies , plays her part perfectly as archer's long suffering wife . i like the fact that her character didn't end up toting a gun at the end of the movie . . . it would have wrecked her potrayal . gina gershon was surprising to say the least as castor troy's mistreated girlfriend . . . . . make that * one of * castor troy's mistreated girlfriends . other movies would have used her character as just window dressing . . . a sex object , but instead her character is very strong and independent . dominique swain , who plays archer's daughter , also does a nice job , though her character is not as explored as much as allen's or gershon's . faults ? well . . . there were some i have to say . first , the movie's ending , whilst being very good overall , was a bit too drawn out for it's own good . after the two combatants begin duelling again after the final boat crash you can't help but think - " geez , are you guys nuclear powered or what ? " . there were certain bits that weren't handled properly , like where archer appears safe and sound on solid ground after jumping off the converted oil platform/prison - more explanation here would have been nice . overall , this movie was not perfect . but i thought it was about as close as an action movie has ever came to perfect . many critics have claimed that this movie will change the way action movies are made . . . . . i certainly hope so . those print and television ads trumpeting that " 'grease' is still the word " are right on the money . to celebrate its 20th anniversary , this quintessential movie musical is getting the royal treatment reserved for classics like " star wars " -- a well-deserved , red-carpet rerelease . that's fantastic , especially when considering of all the classic characters and scenes the film has served up -- who can forget aspiring beautician frenchie ( didi conn ) being serenaded by her tell-it-like-it-is guardian angel ( frankie avalon ) ? or the hard-nosed principal ( eve arden ) reminding the student body to " be an athletic supporter " by rooting for the home team ? or national bandstand emcee vince fontaine ( edd byrnes ) flirting with marty ( a pre- " empty nest " dinah manhoff ) ? and these are all probably considered minor moments . . . a very skinny john travolta and a very young olivia newton-john have the respective leads of danny zuko and sandy olsson , and their pairing still ranks as one of screendom's most effervescently charming . for those eight of you who aren't familiar with the story , here's a brief recap : greaser bad boy danny and aussie good girl sandy are reunited for their 1959 senior year at rydell high after a brief fling during the summer ; both thought she was going to return to her native continent before school started , but both were wrong . sandy tries to rekindle their relationship , but danny's too cool a cat to fall for her wholesome appeal in front of his t-bird buddies ( including jeff conaway ) . so sandy hooks up with a gang herself -- the pink ladies , headed by sassy , sexy rizzo ( stockard channing , just superb as an independent woman well ahead of her time ) -- and danny , who still really feels love for her , attempts a compromise of ideals in order to win her back . the drag race finale is yet something of a drag , and i never have thought much of " greased lightening , " the film's big " guy " number ( that choreography -- ack ! ) , but " grease " 's flaws amount too few to carp . the movie's first showpiece is " summer nights , " where danny and sandy separately recount wildly different versions of their fun-in-the-sun romance . not only is " nights " tremendously catchy , but it's also a smart look at how men and women see the same events with varying eyes . there has yet to be a live-action musical sequence that rivals the one-two punch of " you're the one that i want " and " we go together , " " grease " 's euphoric cappers . all this and some of the most pleasing moments come from the smaller , quieter moments ; the oscar-nominated " hopelessly devoted to you " is a lovely showcase for newton-john , and channing's lamenting ballad " there are worse things i could do " is one of " grease " 's most unjustly overlooked tunes . the soundtrack is remastered ( though travolta still hits that awful high note at the end of " nights " ) and the restored widescreen allows us to see previously pan-and-scanned-out choreography , but nothing else has changed -- no computer-generated backgrounds , no outtakes or new musical numbers , no jabba the hutt cameos . and it's a testament to " grease " 's timeless success that nothing needs to be changed -- it's the same all-around blast it's always been , with an appealing cast in a fun story told with great music . to '90s viewers , " grease " will probably recall disco and bellbottoms as much as it made its original audience nostalgic for doo-wop and poodle skirts . but regardless of what decade it transports us to , we can all agree on one thing -- without a doubt , " grease " is still the word . the party is one of those classic slapstick comedies that will leave you , at times , cracking up . the film takes place , for the most part , in real-time during an exclusive evening party that is attended only by the biggest names in hollywood . hrundi v . bakshi , played very well by peter sellers , is a struggling actor who just came to america from his homeland , india . hrundi tries out his acting talents , but it seems that he just isn't cut out for the job . on the set of his current film that he stars in , hrundi seems to make everything go for the worse . during the filming of this movie set in the 1800's , hrundi manages to annoy the director ( herbert ellis ) in any way he can . this includes a pitiful acting job in many scenes , wearing an underwater watch in one scene , and accidentally detonating a massive set . many of the hollywood producers and big names want hrundi out of the business forever . and when the director makes a personal phone call to mr . clutterbuck ( j . edward mckinley ) pleading for hrundi's ejection from hollywood , everything is pretty much over for hrundi . clutterbuck writes his name down on a piece of paper to insure that hrundi will never again work in hollywood . but when this piece of paper turns out to be the guest list for clutterbuck's exclusive party , hrundi is invited , and certain chaos is bound to occur . of course , as predicted , hrundi causes lots of trouble . each scene in which hrundi encounters a situation , usually one that he can't handle , is almost always very humorous . and each scene with hrundi and the drunken waiter , who is alone hilarious , adds to the comedy in a great way . the party can be compared to many other films of it's type , specifically the trio of naked gun movies and the airplane movies , but the party is a delightful movie that incorporates very well played out comedy into believable situations . it also includes a number of memorable scenes ( can anyone say " birdy num-num " ? ) . if you're in the mood for fun and enjoyable slapstick comedy , check out the party . it's not going to be one of your all-time favorites , but if you enjoy this type of humor , you'll enjoy the party . once again , the battle is dreamworks versus disney : earlier this year , the mammoth companies fought to the death with their end-of-the-world asteroid flicks , deep impact and armageddon . here we are now , just a few months later , and they're at it again with dueling bug movies , antz and a bug's life . what i find so astonishing is that both pairs of movies are so inherently similar in both story and execution . i mean , come on -- what were the chances of two studios both deciding to bring out computer-animated films about bugs ? as was the case with the meteor movies , disney has come out on top : though antz is a likable movie , a bug's life is far superior . in fact , this movie made me realize what was wrong with antz : i became immersed in the world of a bug's life , while antz just made me scrutinize everything . but it's not really fair to base an entire review on a comparison . a bug's life is a remarkable film in its own right , and deserves to be seen apart from any other computer-animated film about bugs . in fact , it's one of the best films this year : it's smart , subtle , and funny , but it's also perfect family entertainment and relentlessly entertaining . i haven't had such a good time at the movies in months . it tells the story of an ant named flick ( voice by dave foley ) ; he's a nice guy , but he's also a troublemaker . the ants spend all season putting together the offering , a big pile of food that they provide for the grasshoppers . just before the grasshoppers come , flick accidentally knocks over the offering , and ruins everything for the entire colony : the grasshopper's leader , hopper ( kevin spacey ) , is enraged , and tells them that the ants need twice the food by the end of summer , or they're all dead . flick , feeling responsible for this , sets off to look for help -- he realizes that the only way to be rid of the grasshoppers is to fight them . he heads to the city ( the city being a house a few miles away ) , where he finds a colorful bunch of circus bugs : a ladybug ( denis leary , who is spectacular ) , a black widow ( bonnie hunt ) , a caterpillar ( joe ranft ) , a butterfly ( madeline kahn ) , a rhinoceros beetle ( michael mcshane ) , and a stick ( david hyde-pierce , also giving a hilarious performance ) . flick doesn't know they're actors , and they don't know that flick needs them to kill a bunch of grasshoppers , so they return to the colony with flick and find themselves in an unusual position . the most obvious element of a bug's life is the quality of animation . created by pixar , the same people who brought us toy story , a bug's life has some of the most amazing visuals i've ever seen . the bugs seem to inhabit a three-dimensional space , and occasionally there will be a shot that is indistinguishable from live action . this is a lush , colorful world , full of life and imagination : the way the animators insert the things all of us see in our daily lives ( matches , bottlecaps , tin cans , etc . ) and make them active objects in the bugs' world is innovative . the film is also mercilessly exciting , particularly in a superbly-staged scene involving our heroes' escape from a bird ( a little bird never seemed so huge and threatening ) . but the makers of a bug's life know where the importance lies : story and characters . flick , with solid voice work from foley , is a great guy to lead the story . but the real treat comes with the circus bugs ; they're such a likable group of characters -- the standouts are the stick ( hyde-pierce is so good ) , francis the ladybug , and the big fat caterpillar . all of these bugs have more than a token personality , which makes the suspenseful scenes work because we care about the bugs , and it also keeps the tear-jerking scenes from seeming obligatory . in my review of antz , i said that the film is a clever cop-out because it presents a bunch of little humans reacting to an ant-like existence . in concept , a bug's life is basically the same movie , except that i was never given enough time to find things that i didn't like about it . with such strong work in both animation and script , a bug's life is nothing but a joy to sit through . it really is too bad that it had to come out so close to that other bug movie , but a bug's life is so good that i'm sure it will find its audience . after a slew of endlessly violent and cynical movies , it's downright refreshing to sit through an innocent picture like this and laugh without feeling guilty . eight years after its release , disney has decided to re-release the little mermaid theatrically for 17 days ( and 17 long nights ) only . coincidentally , it was reintroduced to theaters the same day fox's animated film anastasia was released . you know disney , they can't deal with the threat of any other studio getting even a small piece of the crust of the kiddie entertainment pie , so when someone else wants to make a little money , they counter with an old " masterpiece " from their vault and , you know what , i went to see this 1989 cartoon rather than the brand new one from fox . let no one say disney is losing its monopoly on the market . they still have hotels on boardwalk _and_ park place . believe it or not , today , november 25 , 1997 , at 5 : 05 p . m . , i saw the little mermaid for the first time . it took me a few years to get over an aversion to this movie that was caused seven years ago , when i stayed with one of my mom's friends for a couple weeks . they had a young child who listened to the little mermaid soundtrack constantly and , over that two week period , i heard every song from the movie probably a hundred times . by the time i got back home , i promised myself i'd never see the movie . but promises are made to be broken , especially when you're looking at a 17-day , limited engagement . damn those shrewd disney marketers and their mind games . the little mermaid is based on a hans christian anderson fairy tale , but it's disney-ized , which means lots of talking animals and bursting into song . it also means the heroine is a total babe who shows off cleavage from a seashell bra at all times . i never wanted so much to be a pair of shells . . . the heroine , of course , is ariel ( voice of jodi benson ) , a 16-year-old mermaid who is going through that rebellious phase . she skips her concert to explore a wrecked ship and hang out with a seagull that talks like buddy hackett , who tries to orient her to the mysterious world of humans . she's also dealing with feelings she hasn't had before -- which comes when you get scales in places you didn't use to have them -- about a handsome prince ( no disney movie would be complete without one ) . her father , king triton of the merpeople , strictly forbids such lusting after the ways of the " savage " humans , in a condemnation that reads as a not-so-subtle analogy about old- fashioned parents who forbid interracial dating . what's a king to do , though ? the girl's in love and even total destruction of her little shrine to the human world doesn't deter her . ariel saves the prince's life when a hurricane rises up , and just has to meet him . she makes a deal with ursula , the sea witch ( voice of pat carroll ) . you know she's evil because she has a huge potbelly and one of the worst asses in cartoon history . she also has octopus tentacles for feet ( something those dr . scholl's corn pads will not fix ) and offers to help ariel out . she'll make her a human for three days if ariel will give up her pretty voice ; ariel has three days to make that prince kiss her , or else she becomes a slave to the witch forever . and if she pricks her finger on a sewing machine or eats an evil apple , she'll fall asleep forever . it's a simplistic plot , yes , but the little mermaid was a revolution in the disney world , coming after such lackluster efforts as the black cauldron and oliver and company . it ranks as one of the best disney cartoons , certainly since the '50s . all the elements are there -- memorable songs like " under the sea " and " kiss the girl , " cartoon animals like sebastian and flounder , an evil villain who still has characterization and charm , and a fair amount of humor that caters to adults as well as children . the little mermaid is worth a big-screen ticket in 1997 , so hurry up , you only have five days left . serving america for more than 1/25th of a century ! in a flashback , the teenage girl in the eccentric family in the canadian film , the hanging garden , tells her senile grandmother that she is going to a school dance . horrified , the grandmother wants to know if her granddaughter knows " the rule of 6 . " if you don't break off a kiss by the count of 6 , then you committed a sin with the boy . and most of all , the grandmother wants to know if she has " protection ? " she must carry a rosary in her pocket at all times . the richly acted film is written and directed by thom fitzgerald in a quirky but loving style . although some may refer to the film as yet another dysfunctional family picture , that moniker misses the mark . yes , every member of the household has their own special problems , but the writer didn't choose to name so many characters for various flowers by accident . this delightful little picture mixes love , tragedy and pathos , resulting in a hopeful and almost magical concoction . during the opening credits we observe the boy , sweet william , at the center of the story . first , he's an average sized young lad who is slapped off-screen by his father . next , he's 300 pound teenager , played with hopelessness and depression by troy veinotte . when the opening credits end , we cut to 10 years later . william is now an average-sized , reasonably happy adult , played with love and compassion by chris leavins . william has returned after 10 years absence to attend the marriage of his free-spirited and foul-mouthed sister rosemary to his first childhood lover , fletcher ( joe s . keller ) . kerry fox from an angel at my table and shallow grave plays rosemary with a compelling joy . nicole burnell , who gave such a devastating performance in the sweet hereafter , plays the teenage rosemary . the father of the family , whiskey mac ( peter macneill ) , is an alcoholic autocrat who is more obnoxious than harmful . his wife , iris ( seana mckenna ) , says that she would have left him years ago to at least go to some place warm were it not for her lack of money and her obligations to the kids . rounding out the family is christine dunsworth as nine-year-old violet , the sister whom william meets for the first time . as the exuberant irish music fills the air at the wedding in the family home , william wanders off to try on one of his old coats , which causes him to laugh at the size of his former self . the director manages to stage simple scenes in wonderfully imaginative ways . he takes a common wedding dress train and uses it to set up scenes in fresh and fascinating ways . rosmary's trip to the bathroom after drinking too much beer is beautifully orchestrated , and kerry fox is at her hilarious best trying to cope with the long train in a small bath , all while talking to her brother . as much as anything , the film is a series of character sketches . in one of the strongest we watch william in a flashback as he has his first sexual encounter , a homosexual one . although he is perfectly happy liking the same sex , his mother is aghast . a woman friend of hers suggests she take william to a local housewife , dusty miller ( martha irving ) , who , for a fee , will have heterosexual sex with william . with absolute finesse the director crafts a subtle scene that manages to yield significant emotional punch without being sensational . dusty , after asking iris to watch her daughter , takes william and gently introduces him to the joys of sex with the opposite sex . all of this notwithstanding , he still prefers males . the film is at its most poignant in several sequences in which the grown william comes face-to-face with himself when younger . this causes his ugly old memories to be reignited . in the most devastating , he has to come to grips with his former self who was so overwhelmed with the stress that he tried to hang himself . even here , the director touches your heart without ever letting the story dissolve into anything approaching a tearjerker . the ultimate result is an uplifting story that has more hope that one would ever expect from the outline of its plot . the hanging garden runs 1 : 31 . it is rated r for strong sexuality , language , violence and some teen drug use and would be acceptable for teenagers only if they are quite old and mature . ( dimension films , " scream 2 " 's distributor , has asked press to say extremely little -- if anything -- about the film's twisty plot . that's no easy task considering the wit that deserves to be mentioned here , but i will do my best to be vague ( now , there's a first ) . ) " the first one was [good] , but all the rest sucked , " said a cinematically-savvy teen in last winter's wes craven thriller " scream , " her statement referring to the films of the " nightmare on elm street " series but really putting down franchise overkill in general . the comment certainly carries clout : for every truly great sequel , there appears to be a couple of duds , making one wonder if writers are better off sticking solely with fresh ideas . but like it or not , along comes " scream 2 . " and believe it or not , it's a doozy -- a slick , sinister , madly subversive good time at the movies , as intent on sending up hollywood's sequel syndrome as much as its prequel poked fun at slasher conventions . " scream 2 " is definitely that rare movie thing -- a follow-up that can stand along side its original with pride . it's been two years since a pair of overzealous horror movie fans clad in edvard munch-esque get-ups carved their way through the young populace of woodsboro , california . those surviving the ordeal have gotten on with their lives . plucky heroine sidney prescott ( neve campbell ) is a drama student at the midwestern windsor college ; her pop culture-whiz pal randy meeks ( jamie kennedy ) has tagged along . trash tabloid reporter gale weathers ( courteney cox ) has written a best-seller based on their ordeal , the basis of which has been turned into a ( very bad ) movie called " stab . " and dewey riley ( david arquette ) , still suffering from wounds inflicted during " scream , " has left his job as a police officer for a while . life is tranquil . . . at least for a while . several sudden murders bring sidney , randy , gale and dewey together again , but with suspicious eyes cast on each other and most of those in their surroundings -- if these four people learned anything from the past , it's to trust no one . thus , the possible victim/potential killer list includes said quartet , as well as : derek ( jerry o'connell ) , sidney's new beau ; cici ( sara michelle gellar ) , a chatty sorority gal ; joel ( duane martin ) , gale's cameraman who's not too thrilled with her blood-soaked past ; hallie ( elise neal ) , sidney's sassy roommate ; debbie ( laurie metcalf ) , a local reporter who gives gale some not-too-friendly competition ; and mickey ( timothy olyphant ) , randy's good friend and fellow film student . cotton weary ( liev schreiber ) , the man sidney wrongly accused of her mother's murder in scream , also shows up on campus -- but why ? like the first scream , craven and screenwriter kevin williamson inaugurate things with a bang . this time , it's an extended sequence that finds an african-american couple ( jada pinkett and omar epps ) attending a sneak preview of " stab , " making sly references about everything from sandra bullock to the lunchmeat non-roles of blacks in slasher cinema . before tragedy ensues at the screening , the movie-within-a-movie setup allows for plenty of jokey moments , including a scene from " stab " which turns scream's now-famous drew barrymore prologue on its ear . ( " b---- , hang up the phone and star-69 his a-- ! " pinkett yells at the screen . ) it's funny , creepy stuff ( i don't think i'll ever feel safe in a movie theater again ) that effectively foreshadows the ratio of smart scares and spoofy laughs down the road . another flawless example of this is a riotous cell phone-assault of the killer on randy , dewey and gale in broad daylight ; it builds comedically and ends with genuine terror because of the emotional investment made on these delicious characters . there are other superb set pieces , but explaining them risks ruining their effect . there are more players this time around as to provide both a higher number suspects and a staggering body count . it's something of a trade-in -- the new characters are too large in number to be as fully-developed as the original " scream " gang , but this movie packs in knowing performances ( especially by kennedy and cox ) and more death for your dollar . it can be argued that , while the original might outclass it by a tad , scream 2 is both scarier and funnier . it certainly doesn't skimp with shocks -- a major one being the killing of one cast member very near and dear to my heart ( i actually questioned craven and williamson's judgment here , considering how much this person has added to these films ) . sometimes you wish that more could have been done with stab -- the two scenes we're shown are dead-on -- but for film fans , there are plenty of subtle nods to movies like " the usual suspects , " " aliens " and " the empire strikes back . " still , " scream 2 " does so many things right , it's petty to quibble . its penchant for parody is irresistible , discussions of the merits of film sequels and all . the attractive , solid cast is a definite bonus . and the denouement ( while not as shocking as " scream " 's ) is priceless ; the film's final revelation incorporates bits of a particular horror film prominently referred to in " scream " with one of the best bad guy motives ever put on paper . all this and a " scream 3 " is in the works . knowing the series' tendency for self-reference , perhaps one of its characters will again discuss the concept of sequel justice . mentioning " scream 2 " 'll help them in their argument . edward zwick's " the siege " raises more questions than it can convincingly answer or even clearly articulate . its subject is the rising threat of terrorism in american cities . denzel washington is anthony " hub " hubbard , who runs the fbi's anti-terrorism task force in new york . his investigation into arab terrorist cells intensifies when suicide bombers take out a busload of people . hub focuses on a mysterious cia operative ( annette bening ) , whose goes by both " elise " and " sharon . " as the terrorist attacks continue and the body count rises , the question of martial law is raised . enter general devereaux ( bruce willis ) , who opposes martial law at first but who , as soon as the president decides to send in the army , begins herding arab immigrants into a prison camp and attacking every link that hub uncovers in the terrorist chain . hub listens as devereaux tortures and murders a suspect . the future zwick and screenwriter lawrence wright offer is all too possible . what would happen , they ask , if terrorism became as much a fact of daily life in new york as it is in cities like beirut and belfast ? what would happen to our civil liberties if soldiers patrol our streets with machine guns ? these questions " the siege " answers in realistic detail . it implies tougher ones , though : what can be done to combat terrorism without sacrificing justice and freedom ? if we encourage terrorism abroad ( from bening's character we discover that the cia trained the bombers ) , will it inevitably come back to us ? " siege " avoids the tougher questions by endowing its hero , hub , with a uncompromising sense of clear right and wrong . this comforting fantasy of sir galahad confronting the evils of the modern world is an escape from the thought-provoking issues the movie raises . still , zwick deserves credit for at least addressing the issue with as much realism as he does where so many movies ( willis' " die hard " series , for example ) offer only a comic-book view on terrorism . a movie that's been as highly built up as the truman show , with reviews boasting , " the film of the decade ! " and " a breakthrough ! " can only be leading up to letdown . that's no doubt -- it seems any movie with critical acclaim makes you think you're going in for the ride of your life , that you'll end up changed on the other side , and you come out of the theater going , " eh . . . * that's * what all the fuss was about ? " so , naturally , the truman show was building up to what was going to be a dissapointment . and i convinced myself , as i nestled into my uncomfortable movie theater chair , actually to try not to enjoy it . let me tell you , that is an impossibilty . the truman show is truly " the film of the decade " and " a breakthrough " and more . and you will come out changed on the other side . such a movie comes around only once in a lifetime , where you find yourself feeling everything that the character is feeling , and this , friends , is it . jim carrey shows that he doesn't need to talk out of his butt to entertain us ; that he can be as dramatic as any of hollywood's leading men . the film has a difficult premise to tackle , trying to set us up thirty years into the " truman show's " run , but tackle it it does , and perfectly . with flashbacks actually being flashbacks on the television show , you get the sense that you are viewing a * real * prime-time hit . and the way the camera constantly takes the forms it would in the " real " truman show is clever and well-done . people , rejoice ! this is the first oscar-worthy film of not only this year , but of the last five years . not since " schindler's list " has a movie captured human spirit and true despair so well . this is a classic in the making , and ( to borrow a line from esquire's review ) it stars jim carrey . nothing in his career to date and nothing he can do in the future will ever be able to top his role as truman burbank ; mark my word . for , as i said , this is the movie of a lifetime and the role is of the same calibre . forget special-effect ladden summer fodder . drop your romantic comedies in the trash . toss your thrillers and teen flicks on the pile . you need nothing more than " the truman show " to carry you through the summer , or for that matter , the year . oh ! and in case i don't see you , good afternoon , good evening , and goodnight . go's is a gloriously slick hip machine . director liman ( who also photographed go ) and screenwriter august celebrate the drug/rave scene in l . a . , preferring to take ( comedic ) snapshots of troubled youth rather than critique them . after more than ninety minutes of pill-popping , tantric sex , car chases , and attempted murder , go even has a happy ending . this is the sort of film that gives members of the dove foundation splitting headaches ; as go wound down , i anticipated an anti-pill-popping-casual-tantric-sex-car-chase-attempted-murder sermon that ( blessedly ) didn't arrive . a la tarantino's pulp fiction , go is comprised of three separate but related stories . the basics are as follows : ronna ( polley ) is a bitter grocery store clerk facing eviction who turns to drug dealing for extra dough . her co-worker , simon ( the improbably named askew ) , is a clubber from britain ecstatic about his first trip to vegas . zack ( mohr ) and adam ( wolf ) are soap opera stars escaping a career-threatening conviction by assisting a peculiar cop ( fichtner ) in a drug bust . perhaps because the innovative structure of tarantino's non-linear masterwork is by now old hat , the id-fueled go delighted me but rarely surprised me ( with the exception of that mind-reading cat ! ) ; pulp fiction zigzagged down roads unforeseen , but we see go's wheels turning from its first flash frame to the last . torontonian polley ( of the sweet hereafter ) refused to do publicity for this picture on the basis that she was " not pleased with " her turn as the ill-fated cashier . in go , she delivers , hands-down , her best performance to date . here's an ( overrated ) actress who agreed to appear on the poster , but not support her team at the junket or in interviews ; this sort of arrogance is commonplace for ms . polley , as anyone who has read of her political agenda in the canadian press will tell you . if she doesn't want to be the ingenue of the moment , she should have said " no , " not go . but i digress . go is a fun film , so chipperly depraved one can't help but turn off his moral judgment for its duration and enjoy the ride . in that sense , it's a departure from liman's last film , swingers , which at least lectured against self-absorption in the form of vince vaughan's trent and his subtle comeuppance in the story's clever epilogue ( which has been aped by mcdonald's for their latest commercial ) . i wish i cared more about go's characters : like the techno music they listen to , the bands of anarchists on display here are at once absorbing and vacuous . when the lights came up and stung my eyes , it was difficult to recall what about it entertained me . yet entertain me it did . go is light and frothy , featuring compelling if not endearing work by polley , timothy olyphant ( scream 2 ) , and especially fichtner , whose homoerotic behavior is milked for effective laughs . fichtner is a character actor best known for playing backstabbers ( in heat , armageddon , and others ) ; his previously untapped comic abilities shine in go . unlike much of the film , fichtner is unpredictable . what's shocking about " carlito's way " is how good it is . having gotten a bit of a bad rap for not being a big box office hit like pacino's previous film , " scent of a woman , " and not having as strong a performance as he did in that one ( he had just won an oscar ) , " carlito's way " was destined for underrated heaven . that's what it is : an underrated gem of a movie . and what a shame because pacino and de palma both do amazing jobs with it , and turn it into a great piece of a pulpy character study . " carlito's way " deals with , well , carlito brigante ( pacino ) , a puerto rican ex-drug kingpin , who gets out of a long jailterm when his coke-addicted , curly-haired lawyer ( sean penn ) points out a legal technicality . of course , carlito was actually awoken in prison , and has decided to go straight , even if he's really a crook at heart . carlito , like barry lyndon , is a man who is trapped by fate at every turn , and can't escape into something he is not . carlito's attempts at a clean , legal life are thwarted at nearly every turn . when he first gets out , a friend of his ends up leading him into a big shoot-out , where he has to kill a couple people to survive . he's constantly getting bugged by the government to see if he's doing anything illegal , and his lawyer finds himself neck-deep in a pile of shit , needing him to try and help him out , which includes him doing some prison breaking . carlito , like ratso rizzo , wants to go to miami ( since , according to film logic , that's where it's at ) , but needs some funding . being a legend , he is quickly able to get a nice job running a big dance club ( this is the 70s , by the way , and since some of this takes place in night clubs , we get to hear all sorts of 70s classics , including several k . c . and the sunshine band tunes - my personal favorite ) . he gets a bodyguard ( the great luis guzman , at his best ) , and is soon running a pretty good business , even if he's constantly attracting underworld young thugs , like benny blanco " from the bronx " ( john leguiziamo ) , who is more than once pointed out to be a young version of carlito . on the other side , the symbol of promise and hope , is gail ( penelope ann miller - what happened to her ? ) , his girlfriend from before prison . she's a goregeous ballerina , and a stripper , and soon carlito is trying to get back with her , and take her with him when he finally leaves for miami . while this relationship is never fully defined or anything , we get a sense of love between them , and they have some truly interesting scenes between them ( she never gives him addresses or locales - he always has to track her down ) . all of these elements clash together at the end , in a brilliantly executed , emotional climax , which is inevitable . when i say inevitable , i mean we see it at the beginning and then backtrack , putting a great spin on it . sure , it's going to eleveate some of the tension , but it gives the film a lot of depth , as carlito is seen trapped by fate . what's amazing is the big chase sequence ( amazingly done by de palma ) has a lot of tension and thrills . like " apollo 13 , " we know what's going to happen , but we're still thrilled by what happens in the middle . it's also very emotional , thanks to a great script by david koepp , and amazing performances by pacino and miller . de palma is famous ( or infamous ) for lots of violence in his films . his earlier flim , " scarface " ( which starred pacino in the lead ) , has a ton of it , especially at the end ( and a nasty chainsaw scene towards the beginning which i'm still not over ) . but de palma actually reigns in more quieter scenes . to me , the best scene in the film is when carlito is on top of a building , looking down into the room where gail is doing ballet . this is the most brilliantly done , and most emotionally stimulating scene in the entire film , and probably the best in de palma film history . with a gorgeous soprano duet in the background , and rain pouring down onto a trashcan lid covering carlito's head , and a saddened , remorseful look on pacino's face , it's a tear-jerker ( well , for me , i dunno about you . . . ) . the acting from all is great , especially from the three leads . pacino was panned for his performance , chiefly because his accent wasn't puerto rican enough and , well , it wasn't as " strong " as his oscar-winning role in " scent of a woman . " well , his " scent of a woman " performance was great and all , but it was nothing really but , as comic kevin pollack said , a " foghorn leghorn impression . " in " carlito's way , " he's emotional , and strong , despite the fact that he's remorseful over his entire lifestyle , which he cannot change . i felt more for carlito brigante than i did for the tango-dancing , insult-throwing blind guy in " scent of a woman . " as i said , penelope ann miller is great , and she and pacino actually have very good chemistry . and they're scenes are well-written , with some good clever dialogue which adds some interest to an otherwise bland relationship . and sean penn is amazing as the coke-addicted rat attorney . every scene he's in , he has great energy , and even measures up to the greatness that is pacino . in smaller roles , john leguiziamo and luis guzman are great . " carlito's way " is one of those films which you heard about briefly , but when you finally watch it , you're absolutely blown away . it's a wonderful film , a highly underrated little masterpiece which was shelved after it didn't do so hot . but trust me and check it out . it's a great little film , and proof that the residential critics and mass populus are not always right . life is beautiful is a rare treat : a lighthearted comedy that tackles a very serious subject without committing the sins of being disrespectful , or , even worse , humorless . it combines a charming romance with a dash of farce , stirs in a little poignancy , and ends up a very enjoyable movie . it's an italian film , but don't let that discourage you . subtitle-phobes will be missing a wonderful experience . life is beautiful opens as a sweet romantic comedy , with the clownish , but good natured guido ( roberto benigni ) arriving in a rustic italian town to work as a waiter for his uncle . the year is 1939 , and guido literally stumbles into the girl of his dreams , dora ( nicoletta braschi ) . their romance seems to be picture perfect , with only one stumbling block : she's already engaged to another man . can guido overcome the odds and win his girl ? what do you think ? however , five years later , things have taken a turn for the worse in italy . the fascists have stepped up their race initiatives , which is bad news for the jewish guido and his new son giosue ( giorgio cantarini ) , who are rounded up and shipped off to a concentration camp . unable to protect his boy in any other way , guido attempts to shield his young son from the horrors of the labor camp . he pretends that everything is all an elaborate game , with points awarded for such tasks as hiding , being brave and being very very quiet . as you can tell from the description , life is beautiful has two very different tones , but manages to excel at both of them . as a romantic comedy , it is sweet and funny . as a bittersweet tale of hope amid despair , it is touching . roberto benigni's work here has been compared with some of the best of chaplin's , and it is easy to see why . he is able to run the gamut of comic expression , from slapstick to farce , with a warm-hearted feeling that celebrates his downtrodden hero's " triumph of the underdog " spirit . life is beautiful treads a thin line when it turns its attentions to the holocaust . however , it is able to successfully navigate the minefield , without demeaning the gravity of the horrors involved , nor without losing its humorous edge that allows you to smile through the tears . with life is beautiful , benigni has created a triumphant , but bittersweet comedy . it's quite simply one of the most enjoyable times i've had at the movies this year . you've probably heard the one about the priest and the rabbi , but never with the same dosage of featherweight charm that is sprinkled over `keeping the faith' . it's a fluffy comedy , thoroughly glazed with a sense of innocuous innocence and good cheer , regarding two moral topics -- love and religion -- and how a romantic triangle causes the two to collide head-on . as youngsters , brian finn , jacob schramm and anna reilly were an inseparable trio . while their friendship progressed , anna always had the compassion to shower them both with the same love and support , so neither would feel excluded . but tragedy soon struck , as anna was forced to move away . now adults , brian ( edward norton ) and jacob ( ben stiller ) hold similar but contrastive jobs . the likable and kind-hearted father brian is a catholic priest , while the spry and outgoing jacob acts as a jewish rabbi . on the basketball court , they refer to themselves as `the god squad' . in the relationship field , brian abides by his catholic principle of celibacy , but jacob has reached the point where finding a jewish bride is practically mandatory . everything changes when anna ( jenna elfman ) returns to new york to visit her childhood chums . now a workaholic , she devotes endless hours per week to her business , but does find spare time to reminisce with brian and jacob - both ecstatic about seeing their elementary school sweetheart once again . with these oddball ingredients tossed into one cocktail , there's bound to be some awkward romance between our three central characters . predicting the outcome is not entirely difficult , but `keeping the faith' is open , entertaining and refreshingly relaxed as it travels en route from point a to point b . edward norton has emerged as one of the finest , most flexibly versatile actors in hollywood - a success story sparked by his critically lauded debut in the 1996 thriller `primal fear' . after shockingly bitter roles in `american history x' and , most recently , david fincher's vicious `fight club' , a quaint romantic comedy might seem like a peculiar choice . not in the least . norton slips into the director's chair for the first time with `keeping the faith' , and here his incisive , resourceful approach helps add additional craft to a surprisingly perceptive screenplay by stuart blumberg . weighing every aspect , it is unanimously an impressive directorial debut . in addition , norton pushes all the right buttons with the sheepish sweetheart brian , generating a thoroughly likable screen presence . stiller ( the zipper guy from `there's something about mary' ) is firm and funny , boasting a fully-ripened comic maturity . elfman's perky repetition can grow tiresome ( such is occasionally the case on tv's `dharma and greg' ) , but she seems perfectly rambunctious here . the remaining cast members offer fine support , from anne bancroft as jacob's animated jewish mom to milos forman as an elderly priest quick to contribute intelligent advice . `keeping the faith' is the perfect date flick . . . though perfection is not a word to associate with the film in general . there is turbulence during the process of lift-off , as numerous failed attempts at establishing the situation cloud the projected comedy ahead . once the film does settle in , it is often funny and always cheerful . stiller , norton and elfman have created three enormously lovable personalities . we enjoy their interaction , understand their various dilemmas and feel humbled to realize everything rings perfectly true . this is excluding the ending , which is acceptable and all , but seems to lack the charm and spontaneity of the preceding romantic entanglements . nonetheless , a narrowly mishandled finale certainly won't wipe the smile off your face , nor anyone else's in the audience . `keeping the faith' is a highly enjoyable romantic comedy , although one that is more observant while surveying the questions of love rather than religion . aww , what the hell . the quality is not quite heaven-sent , but this little charmer could revive our `faith' in a potentially tired filmmaking genre . naturally , at the core of leon gast's " when we were kings " is the fight itself , for what a fight it was . thanks to the business savvy of don king , an ageing muhammad ali was pitted against the formidable hulk of heavyweight champion george foreman . fans were treated to an 8 round battle of endurance and strategy , as much as brute strength , that immediately entered boxing lore . with the benefit of the first-hand recollections of that old ex-pug norman mailer , this classic conflict is brought back to life . but " when we were kings " tackles issues that are harder to pin down than the simple facts of a boxing match . questions of political power and social justice appear throughout this documentary . gast could hardly choose otherwise , considering the vocal , uncompromising politics of muhammad ali . a member of the controversial black separatist movement the nation of islam , ali opens gast's film with a forceful swipe at the united states . when ali hollers " damn america' , the audience knows the imprecation is heartfelt ; the brutal yet casual way it is uttered leaves no doubt that ali is speaking his mind . his decision to buck the draft for vietnam is defended with the same admirable fury : " no viet cong ever called me nigger " , ali reasons . despite showcasing ali's proud unequivocal politics , one of the most impressive features of " when we were kings " is the subtle way in which the documentary considers the difficulties inherent in the overarching philosophy of black unity and black symbolism that ali and his supporters champion . listening to the film's numerous commentators , it is clear that the geographic location for this " rumble in the jungle " is etched more in the imagination than anywhere you could place on a map . spike lee tells us that the event was a pilgrimage , a " coming home " to africa . foreman reminds us that africa is the " cradle of civilisation " . fair enough , but this homeland is a specific nation cursed with a less than inspiring reality . it is the newly founded zaire and it is ruled by president mobutu , a brutal dictator . while ali respects mobutu's ability to forge an independent african state , mailer notes that beneath the stadium in which the titans battled lay hidden the presidents well-stocked torture chambers . mailer's insights are lost on most of the film's commentators . george plimpton recalls that he always felt he was in the congo , rather than the newly christened zaire . with admirable restraint , gast quietly suggests that for many the grandeur of myth and history all but obscured the reality of zaire' s squalid ruling elite . mobutu is not the only dubious character to benefit from the heady symbolism of black power . don king , resplendent in yellow kaftan and at ease with the " messiah " label attributed to him by a loyal disciple , passes himself off as the voice of a new black international solidarity . understandably , foreman believes he has gotten a raw deal . he may be , as one sympathiser notes , " blacker " than ali , but he is denied the iconic status shared by ali , the thuggish mobutu , and the tacky huckster don king . africa , zaire , inspirational leader or vicious dictator , all is left undifferentiated , unconsidered , in this optimistic celebration of black unity . little wonder that the people of zaire were shocked to find that ali's opponent wasn't white . admittedly , these issues are only hinted at , rather than substantially explored . the audience must consider the significance of these issues themselves , in their own time . there is just too much to cover , too much that is truly worthy of celebration , for a protracted political analysis to be justified . the excitement of james brown and b . b king in concert , for instance . and of course there's always ali to consider , as he shamelessly , and hilariously , hams it up in front of the camera , shadow boxing and uttering one inspired rhyme after another - " we gonna get it on coz we don't get along ! " . doubtlessly , considering the multi-faceted nature of the extravaganza they chose to cover , the makers of " when we were kings " faced numerous difficulties in deciding what issues , and what personalities , best deserved their attention . fortunately , by refusing to simplify their complex subject matter , they have captured the richness and excitement of this unique event . kolya is one of the richest films i've seen in some time . zdenek sverak plays a confirmed old bachelor ( who's likely to remain so ) , who finds his life as a czech cellist increasingly impacted by the five-year old boy that he's taking care of . though it ends rather abruptly-- and i'm whining , 'cause i wanted to spend more time with these characters-- the acting , writing , and production values are as high as , if not higher than , comparable american dramas . this father-and-son delight-- sverak also wrote the script , while his son , jan , directed-- won a golden globe for best foreign language film and , a couple days after i saw it , walked away an oscar . in czech and russian , with english subtitles . anna and the king strides onto the screen in full regalia , wearing a brilliant suit of sumptuous landscapes , deep , vibrant colors and an epic storyline . it's true beauty comes from it's subtle ruminations on the politics of power , whether it's between governments , or the interplay between a man and a woman . anna ( jodie foster ) is a widowed british schoolteacher with a touch of wanderlust trying to grasp her quicksilver feelings concerning the recent death of her husband . with son in tow , she takes the employ of king mongkut ( chow yun-fat ) to tutor his son in the english language . mongkut sees the strength of the british and correctly surmises that his country's future lies in opening itself up to the ways of the western world . anna function is to help provide that link . the core of the film , of course , deals with the blossoming love between anna and mongkut as it attempts to germinate in the unfriendly soil of a shifting political climate . foster plays anna with equal parts clenched jaw and wide-eyed wonder . she is assertive , yet , respectful of the king as she initially tries to impose her western sensibilities upon him . it is one of foster's strongest performances since silence of the lambs in a role she could not have played earlier in her career . she brings a mature self- awareness and determination that might not have come across from a younger foster . it's a joy to watch her cagily bargain for her own measure of influence within the realm of mongkut's monarchy . when she makes her entrance into a politically charged banquet mid-film , she exudes a hypnotic beauty that is deepened by her textured performance . chow-yun fat's king mongkut is every measure of foster's anna , perhaps even more so . this is the chow yun-fat that hong kong cinema has been in love with for nearly twenty years . he is imposing , yet vulnerable , playful , but stern . it is an impressively assured and nuanced performance . precious time is stolen from the movie's 155 minutes running time by an unengaging subplot involving one the king's concubines ( bai ling ) and her love of a commoner . it strikes with the subtlety of siam's fabled white elephant as it stomps through the leisurely paced story . some may be put off by the action filled climax of the movie . although a bit inconsistent in tone from the rest of the film , it fits within the established subplot of a perceived siege by neighboring burma , a country backed by the british . anna and the king transcends being a predictable , traditional love story by avoiding mawkishness . it shows a seduction of intelligence . ever mindful of each other's positions , anna and king mongkut negotiate a maze of social customs , conflicting world views and lost loved ones to connect on a level that ultimately proves deeply satisfying , if not achingly bittersweet . while screen adaptations of john irving's novels have been disappointingly uneven , the films have all shared one particular strength : key casting . who can forget john lithgow as roberta muldoon , the transsexual quarterback of " the world according to garp , " or nastassja kinski as susie the bear in " the hotel new hampshire " ? a lot of good casting decisions have gone into the making of " the cider house rules , " an adaptation of irving's poetic 1994 novel about a restless young man called homer wells . among those sound judgments was the decision to have the splendid tobey maguire assume the pivotal role ; the decision to cast michael caine as his mentor and father figure , dr . wilbur larch , the ether-addicted head obstetrician of the st . cloud's orphanage , maine ; and the decision to offer jane alexander and kathy baker supporting roles as his head nurses . then there are the brethren who populate the apple orchard where homer wells finds himself shortly after leaving st . cloud's , including delroy lindo , oscar ? -worthy as the foreman of the migrant work detail that drifts up and down the coast as the seasons take them . there's kate nelligan as the matriarch of the cider house , and charlize theron as candy , the lovely , lonely wife of a wwii bomber pilot ( paul rudd ) sent away on a mission overseas leaving candy to set lobster traps with homer wells , a man who's never seen the ocean before let alone a lobster . am i forgetting anyone ? yes . kieran culkin and paz de la huerta as dissolute orphanage residents who make you sit up and take notice every time they're on the screen . but with " the cider house rules , " the good people decisions don't end with the cast . irving has written his own screenplay in order to get it right this time ( last year's " simon birch , " loosely based on his " a prayer for owen meaney , " was a big-screen example of irving handled sub-standardly ) ; the author appears fleetingly as a stationmaster here . rachel portman , a composer of such sweet and lyrical tenderness , provides a score that's absolutely right for the project--sweet , lyrical , and tender . there's impressive new england photography by oliver stapleton too . last but by no means least is " my life as a dog " director lasse hallstr ? m , who shows enormous skill in pulling this collective together and helping bring irving's marvelously touching story to life . for the many beloved who pass away in " the cider house rules , " it's an extraordinarily life-affirming story . and now , thanks to these talented individuals , it's an extraordinarily life-affirming film . scream 2 has a titillating little scene that lays down the unwritten law of horror movie sequels quite well . during a film-class discussion , windsor college students articulate what these inevitable laws are , and why sequels never live up to the originals . a few rare exceptions are noted , but they left out one . . . scream 2 ! 1996's surprise horror blockbuster scream became an instant hit and developed an obsessive coterie of fans which included almost every teenager in america ! a sequel was unavoidable , but luckily the re-teaming of writer kevin williamson and director wes craven gives us nothing to fear in the way of lost entertainment . in fact , at the risk of sounding sacrilegious to all the adorning fans of scream , i would say that scream 2 might even be the better film ! sidney prescott ( neve campbell ) , the sinuous heroine who survived a series of murders in woodsboro , ca in the original scream , is now two years older and off to college , majoring in theater . meanwhile , tv journalist gale weathers ( courtney cox ) , who covered the murders in the first film , has since written a book about the dreadful events ; a book titled " stab " , which has been developed into a major motion picture . as scream 2 opens , a crowd of overzealous teenagers are piling into a crowded movie theater for the premiere of " stab " , and before long , a young couple are butchered to death , unnoticed in the midst of hysteria . this marks the beginning of a new murder spree as an unknown " copycat " sets out to repeat what's been done . . . and finish what hasn't ! of course the killer is just as obsessed with movies as the killer in the first film , and yes , movies play a huge role in the bizarre psychological outlook the murderer holds as he/she goes about slaying an assortment of gorgeous twenty year olds , but this * is * a sequel , and without deviating from the original groundwork we are still given a fresh outlook on horror movies . this is in large part due to williamson's deliciously written script , which will easily leave you satisfied . as much as the film condemns the use of cliches , it is riddled with them , but it is done so effectively , and with skillful direction by craven , that you're not bound to complain . i will note , however , that the " whodunit ? " did wind up being the first person i suspected , but believe me , i kept changing my mind as i tried to stay one ahead of the movie . all the actors outdo themselves here . we're not talking oscar performances , but cambell , cox , david arquette as dewey riley , and jamie kennedy as randy all give surprisingly satisfying performances that go beyond their last outing . the characters remain true to their roots , and yet show a clear sign of development over the last two years . we can see how the events in the first film has affected them , but we don't lose any of the luster that made them such a delight to watch in the first place . the nice thing about scream 2 is that it doesn't seem off-kilter from it's predecessor . it's a natural , smooth , and believable ( as far as horror films go ) transition from film to film . we skip two years , but there doesn't seem to be any holes or shortcuts taken in connecting the two flicks . it flows so well that you feel more like you're reading chapter two of a book ( long chapters , eh ? ) than just revitalizing a cast of familiar faces . while main characters are usually the only connection in sequels , scream 2's entire plot structure correlates * completely * with the first , making for immediate fondness and absorption . as i said before , scream 2 easily lives up to , if not surpassing , it's precursor . the only reason scream will likely be hailed above scream 2 is because it was the first . this doesn't mean that it overcasts the unique , whimsical humor or overall caliber of it's sequel , it just means that scream will forever be known as the movie that mocked it's own while maintaining it's sought-after qualities . if ever a film followed it's original so well , it would be scream 2 , and it makes this a definite must-see for all those unbridled scream fans out there . scream 2 fits snugly alongside scream , and will hopefully receive as many high remarks . it would top off the series quite well , if it weren't for the fact that two movies don't really make a series . it's unlikely to assume that a scream 3 won't appear in the next few years , but if they do decide to turn this into an undeniably acclaimed horror-trilogy , let's hope they can keep up the fantastic work . like they say , don't mess with perfection . . . but when a money-making smash-hit is almost guaranteed , who's gonna listen ? devotees of robert a . heinlein , be forewarned : paul verhoeven's starship troopers is less an adaptation of heinlein's novel than it is a literary satire . the author's jingo-all-the-way militarism and his tendency to create plastic characters with plastic conflicts had me expecting a soulless , faceless parade of carnage from the film version . and i suppose that's exactly what verhoeven delivers , with sometimes hilarious results . heinlein's basic motifs are so faithfully rendered that their flaws become a source of amusement , while their strengths become the stuff of high-energy entertainment . outlining the plot of starship troopers is a fairly silly endeavor , since it's basically a big bug hunt . . . aliens in broad daylight . sometime in the future , humanity is threatened by giant , malevolent insects which have evolved into twenty-foot-tall action figures ( arachnids with super-impaling spikes , beetles that spew forth lava , dragonflies with guillotine legs ) . among those who sign on to save the earth are a group of high school classmates from buenos aires : conflicted rich kid johnny rico ( casper van dien ) ; his math whiz girlfriend carmen ( denise richards ) ; dizzy ( dina meyer ) , who secretly carries a torch for johnny ; and carl ( neil patrick " doogie howser " harris ) , who not-so-secretly carries a torch for dizzy , and also has a talent for speaking telepathically to ferrets . while carmen heads for flight school and carl joins military intelligence , johnny and dizzy become mobile infantry , their various battles intertwining with romantic sub-plots out of a third season episode from " beverly hills 90210 . " so if starship troopers is another movie where one-dimensional characters wade through trite situations on their way to killing a bunch of aliens , what makes it any better than , say , independence day , a movie where one-dimensional characters waded through trite situations on their way to killing a bunch of slightly different aliens ? for one thing , you sense that the film-makers are aware of the pulp nonsense they have as source material . the very absence of major stars in the cast feels thematically appropriate , not just fiscally prudent . if starship troopers had been turned into a tv-movie , aaron spelling would have produced it . it's a story which requires emoting , not acting ; it's a prime time soap opera with big guns , played for all the dopey melodrama it's worth . the no-name cast also plays into verhoeven's treatment of heinlein's most controversial conceit . in this society , we learn , one can only be a full citizen after completing some sort of federal service , military for most . verhoeven pays the notion plenty of lip service , then proceeds to skewer it with brilliant mock recruitment ads ( named after the world war ii-era " why we fight " series ) in which youngsters are indoctrinated into the joys of firearms , or the pleasures of stomping cockroaches . these characters really are just " fresh meat for the grinder , " as one character puts it , which makes their lack of familiarity all the more fitting . it's not that starship troopers is anti-military , because it never treats the true horror of war as anything but a great big , violent video game . in fact , the characters are living the propaganda ( particularly johnny , who receives so many field promotions he may not remember his own rank by the time the film ends ) . verhoeven is actually having it both ways -- he's making fun of gung-ho boosterism even as he fires his fresh-faced recruits into battle on a gung-ho booster rocket of visual effects . if that makes starship troopers hypocritical , at least it's enthusiastically staged hypocrisy . there may not be a person worth caring about in the whole film , but it moves like nobody's business . verhoeven stages some thrilling action sequences , sending swarms of bugs after the anonymous grunts then having various body parts strewn about the screen like landscaping . it is that rare special effects blockbuster which demonstrates a sense of pacing to match its budget ; i was caught up in the action enough of the time that i wasn't perpetually groaning over the absence of real human beings . i wish i could find it in myself to work up more outrage over the callous way humans are dispatched in starship troopers , but it didn't work out that way . that would be punishing verhoeven for getting to the heart of his material . no , it is not a bad film , in fact it is so good in achieving its = purpose , i actually wished for the film to end itself quickly . event = horizon is not your run-of-the-mill sci-fi film , i'm sure many who have = watched this will agree with me . it is not even original in that sense , = and it does borrow heavily from films like alien , hellraiser and even = blade runner . the magic of this film lies in its unorthodox setting and = methodical build-up that makes it wonderfully horrifying . the story brings us to the year 2050 , where space travel have since = enormously progressed . the event horizon is actually a ship built for a = secret experimental purpose ; it has the ability to fold time and space = thus making it possible for travelling distances not reachable in a = man's lifetime . the ship disappeared as soon as it went into operation = but after 7 years , it reappeared again within the orbit of neptune . a = search and rescue team led by miller ( fishburne ) is given the task to = check for survivors of the event horizon . the designer of the ship , dr . = weir ( neill ) follows along to satisfy his curiosity on what actually = happened to his otherwise technologically impressive ship . event horizon is a sci-fi horror film , much truer to the word than say , = alien would ever be . while in alien , the crew has to cope with a = ferocious creature while encased within tight spaces , in event horizon , = the forces which goes against the crew is undefined but yet so powerful = and horrifying . the story unfolds itself slowly and the suspense buildup = is superb , up till the point where i really felt like saying out loud = `enough ! i can't stand this anymore ! ' . there are more than enough jolts = to send your adrenalin pumping overtime . the story in itself is not = exactly something very exciting and also , the acting is only at most , = average by most commercial standards . even so , the essence of horror is = carried out very well in this film , thanks to its well-paced = storytelling , disturbing set designs and some really gory sequences = ( which incidentally , has been quite generously removed by our censorship = board ) . =20 director paul anderson ( who did mortal kombat ) and his team of = `atmosphere' creators have done well in keeping event horizon within the = bounds of the term `horror' . this picture did not do very well in the us = box-office most probably for the dread-factor impact it has on most = audiences ; people will not see it again and not many would recommend = their friend to watch this . although on the face of it , event horizon is = mostly molded for mass-entertainment ; many thrills , spills and suspense = to keep audiences in focus . however , the offbeat horror element which it = ultimately convey audiences is very disturbing . my friend and i could = not say a word to each other for quite a while after going through the = `experience' of event horizon . i guess it was just the immense feeling = of dread which the film had cast upon us . be forewarned , this film is not for the faint-hearted nor for pure = entertainment . be prepared to be disturbed if you should decide to watch = this film ! event horizon is highly recommended=85=85but at your own = risk ! it has been a long time since good-horror embraced the big screen , = and event horizon is one . the " italian hitchcock " and acknowledged master of the giallo murder-mystery dario argento again offers us a fascinating turn on the formula in pheneomena . this time the twist comes in the form of jennifer corvino ( jennifer connelly ) , a bright teenager with gift for telepathically communicating with insects . sent to a girls boarding school in switzerland , she soon learns of a series of bizarre disappearances and at least one murder that has the school's population terrified . a chance meeting with a brilliant entomologist ( donald pleasance ) leads the two of them to team up and solve the mystery with the aid of her remarkable gift . phenomena is an imaginative , original thriller . writer/director argento creates several sequences of surreal , haunting beauty here , including a masterfully shot sleepwalking episode and a striking scene when a swarm of flying insects descends on the school at jennifer's beckoning . the plot takes some wonderfully bizarre turns and the killer's identity is genuinely shocking and surprising . the director took a big gamble with a soundtrack that mixes elements as diverse as heavy metal band iron maiden , ex-rolling stone bill wyman , and argento's favourite gothic/electronic outfit goblin . but it gels surprisingly well . the film's opening music reccurs several times , an eerie and evocative score that perfectly sets the overall tone . argento fans beware : the film was released outside europe in a terribly butchered form re-titled as creepers . this deleted nearly half an hour of footage , mainly of key dialogue scenes . film adaptation of hunter s . thompson's infamous semi-autobiographical hallucinogen-fueled book of the same title . director terry gilliam of twelve monkeys ( 8/10 ) and brazil ( 7/10 ) fame , took over the helm of this project after fellow director alex cox ( sid and nancy ( 7 . 5/10 ) ) " apparently alienated everyone associated with the movie " , according to gilliam . plot : writer thompson ( depp ) heads down to las vegas with his attorney dr . gonzo ( del toro ) to cover a motorcycle race . during their trip , they systematically consume " two bags of grass , seventy-five pellets of mescaline , five sheets of high powered blotter acid , a salt shaker half-full of cocaine , a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers , downers , screamers , laughers , a quart of tequila , a quart of rum , a case of beer , a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls . the movie presents us with the results of that heavy drug use . critique : i have given this movie two separate ratings because i believe that the enjoyment of this psychedelic picture is highly correlated with the amount of drugs or alcohol that would be floating around in the viewer's own mind , whilst inhaling this cinematic vision of excess . if you are prepared to get high or intoxicated before watching this film , i would say that this is one picture that you will thoroughly enjoy on a multitude of colorful levels . if , on the other hand , you decide to stray from the addition of nefarious elements to your system , i could not imagine you truly appreciating much of this drug-induced picture's entire ride ( 5 . 5/10 for all those sober dogs ) . note : i have not read thompson's book . having said that , joblo did engage in an alcohol-based consumatory session before ( and during ) the viewing of this film , so his critique of the film should be appreciated on that level . this movie relies heavily on style and peculiar humour , rather than substance or plot . it moves admirably from one scene to the next , without much basis of their being , while presenting us with the two days in the life of writer hunter s . thompson during which he seemed to consume more drugs and alcohol than anyone could ever imagine . it was 1971 , and the times were apparently " a' changing " in the states . johnny depp chews into his role like an overgrown child sucking on a chocolate lollipop . during the filming , depp apparently become fast friends with real-life writer thompson , and was known to wander off the set from time to time , for the sake of checking out the newest barmaid at the local watering hole . i thought he did seem to exaggerate his walk a little bit too much , but then again , this movie is supposed to be a wild exaggeration of everything and anything , so who am i to talk . the one thing that did blow my mind was the actual physical transformation endured by actor benicio del toro for his role as dr . gonzo . i couldn't believe that this fat , samoan lawyer , was the same guy who played the slick mumbling criminal in the usual suspects ( 7 . 5/10 ) . word on the street is that gained over 40 pounds for this role , and i must say that his look was deliciously reprehensible . plenty of cameos also pepper this kaleidoscopic moving picture in the form of ellen barkin , christina ricci , tobey maguire and cameron diaz , along with a bunch of others . other than that , the soundtrack was expectedly eclectic , the style was not as wild as i thought it would be , and the ending was certainly not much of a barn-burner , but then again , who really noticed . this movie is about visions of bats floating through your head , johnny depp looking goofy and being bald , and the cornucopia of drug-ravaged scenes filling your own intoxicated system with ideas of anarchy , rebellion and the lost american dream . and for all those who plan on seeing this movie without the partnership of a mean drink or a mighty doobie , i suggest you move further down the aisle , buy yourself a ticket to godzilla ( 6/10 ) , and enjoy the visual fabrications manufactured for the unstimulated mind . little known facts : depp and del toro snorted plenty of powdered milk instead of cocaine . bill murray also portrayed a thompson-based character in the film where the buffalo roam . johnny depp turned down roles in the three musketeers , speed ( 7 . 5/10 ) , and legends of the fall ( 7 . 5/10 ) , for smaller and quirkier roles in benny and joon ( 6 . 5/10 ) and what's eating gilbert grape ? ( 7/10 ) . in 1988 , depp told rolling stone magazine that he'd tried every drug by the age of 14 . johnny hung out with some of the members of oasis while filming the uncompleted divine rapture in ireland , and later played some slide guitar on the 1997 album , be here now . johnny was born in kentucky , is a high-school dropout , has nicknamed himself " mr . stench " , has been engaged to four women until now ( including actress winona ryder , whose " winona forever " tattoo had to be altered to " wino forever " after their breakup ) , currently plays guitar in a band called " p " , and owns the viper room nightclub in l . a . what is freedom ? how does one determine who is free ? in 1839 , those questions were more difficult to answer then they are now . yet , the mistakes of our forefathers must be examined in order to rectify current situations . that is , in essence , what steven spielberg's gripping drama " amistad " is about . through its various dramas , spielberg presents a case about a group of africans , who , after being seized from their home , were forced onto a ship and sent to the united states aboard " la amistad " . on their way there , the slaves , led by cinque ( djimon hounsou ) , rebelled , killing off part of the crew . however , the ship was still directed towards the united states , where the africans were brought to trial under murder . in the court , various factions claim ownership of the slaves , and therefore try to seize them away . the united states government , led by president martin van buren ( nigel hawthorne ) , and secretary of state secretary forsyth ( david paymer ) , try to ship the africans to spain , where an 11 year old isabella ii ( anna paquin ) wants them back . the two spaniards who own " la amistad " want the slaves for themselves . the american ship that found the slaves also wants them . in the midst of this are two abolitionists ( stellan skaarsgard and morgan freeman ) , who want the slaves to be free . they enlist the help of lawyer matthew mcconaughey , who tries to free them . through various legal proceedings , the case appears before the supreme court , where it is argued by ex-president john quincy adams ( anthony hopkins ) . the film itself is a visual wonder . spielberg favorite janusz kaminski sets the film in a dark , somber mood when appropriate , and a visual setting when appropriate as well . at times , the film is very slow , and very methodical . however , spielberg is not at his finest here , because the courtroom scenes have a tendency to lag . the film is , in essence , a courtroom drama , one whose events are oversimplified . the characterization is also weak , displaying weaknesses in building up characters such as the lawyer baldwin ( mcconaughey ) , and especially morgan freeman's abolitionist . but spielberg's finest work in the film , the opening scene , a scene of cinque's family , and the brutal voyage of the slaves to america , is altogether stunning . it is this emotional force that carries the film . mcconaughey is superb as the lawyer defending the africans , hopkins is sensational as the old adams , freeman is outstanding when used ( spielberg vastly under uses his supreme talents ) , and the rest of the cast is stellar . the movie , however , belongs to hounsou . his emotional intensity is brilliant . spielberg manages to make even the slowest scenes sparkle with focus on hounsou , and the film's extraordinary power is simply captivating . the film is flawed , for most of the supporting characters are merely cardboard . but that doesn't matter . the story is a gripping one , and one of extreme importance . kudos to spielberg for finding it , finding the right men for the job , and letting the audience listen to the words of cinque . a good job all around . your friends and neighbors is a rather bizarre film about 6 people , who hop in and out of bed with each other . written and directed by neil labute , who's first film , " in the company of men " was simply marvelous , disappoints a bit here with this one . the story involves two couples ( ben stiller & catherine keener and aaron eckhart & amy brenneman ) , an artist assistant ( nastassja kinski ) , and an egotistical women abuser ( jason patric ) . the character's names are not apparent and are not mentioned in the entire movie . each of the characters has their own sexual style and they don't seem to " merge " together well . so the group experiments behind their respective partners back . there are some hysterical scenes , one involves jason patric , aaron eckhart , and ben stiller's characters . they are all in a sauna , talking about their best " lay " , when jason patric's character makes a surprising confession . the whole scene is hilarious and exceptionally well written and acted . the enjoyed this movie , although it seemed a tad lengthy ( even though it only runs 99 min . ) . the film's cast is exceptional with oscar caliber performances by catherine keener , aaron eckhart , and jason patric . i would not recommend this film , to people who are offended by conversations that are very sexually explicit . it did seem to offend people , more than half of the people in the theater left during the film . although your friends and neighbors doesn't have the power of labute's earlier film it still manages to be somewhat entertaining and funny , while maintaining a melancholy philosophy on human relationships . i love this movie , and i've just seen for the umptenth time . unfortunately , it is also completly unknown and very few have seen it . it's my mission in life to spread the word : see this movie ! fred , george , doug and howie are reaching middleage . three of them have a wife , kids and a house in the suburb with a mortgage to pay . only fred is still a bachelor . together they take the local train every morning to work in town . on one of their organized thursday evenings at a bar , fred tells them of his boss and the arrangements he has made to keep a mistress . he has gotten an apartment in downtown where he can meet her but has told his wife that he needs the apartment to spend the night after staff meetings every thursday night . since they always split everything four ways , they decide that they should get an apartment with a young woman as well , kathy . however , kathy isn't completly honest to them . in fact , she is a sociology student writing a thesis about the sex life of the suburban male . with these four species she believes that she will make a very good paper . ok , have one thing clear though . the romantic rendezvous' between kathy and each of the men are completly innocent . the script stays above the waist - or to be precise , above the neck . noboyd claims that kathy is their mistress , the four guys call her their 'companion' . the censorship board here in sweden considered it to be suitable only for people above 15 years , but that only shows how long ago 1962 was . small children could watch this without being corrupted . kim novak is as lovely as always in this movie , even if she seems to be a bit too old for a student . james garner is the playboy just like in many other movies . i liked howard morris the best as howard the accountant who has to diet to support his wife . tony randall is funny as always . 1962 was more than 35 years ago . how many accountants , copywriters or investment bankers can today afford to live in a house in the suburb with a lot of kids and a wife who does not work ? this is the white middle class , i can't remember that i saw any blacks on the commuter train they use . these are the people who can count on their kids to live an even better life than themselves . perhaps this should also be a subject for a thesis in movie sociology ? i remember seeing the trailer of the black cauldron on the pinocchio video . it really scared me , and i didn't want to go see it . however , after i heard about how wonderful it was , i wanted to see it . i didn't get a chance to do so , until now . the film , disney's 25th animated feature , opens with a menacing shot of a great black cauldron unshrouded by mist as a narrator begins to tell the tale : a long time ago in the land of prydain , there was a king so evil , that his spirit was captured in the cauldron . it has been hidden for centuries , and whoever possesses it will have the power to conjure up an army of deathless warriors , and with them rule the world ? and destroy it . then , we meet a farmer-wizard , dallben , and his young apprentice , taran . taran dreams of being a warrior instead of being a `pig-keeper' ( they have a pig named hen-wen ) . one day , as he gives hen wen a nice warm bath , the pig goes crazy , and dallben then realizes , after watching hen wen's thoughts through a bucket of water , that taran must hide hen wen in the forest . an evil ruler known as the horned king is searching for the black cauldron , and only hen wen has the power to show its location . taran leads hen wen into the forest , but of course , he loses her , and tries to go find her . along the way , he meets up with a mischievous little creature named gurgi , who desires `munchings and crunchings' , much to his dismay ( besides , he stole an apple that taran was trying to use to bring back hen wen ) . when he hears hen wen's squeal from far away , though , he races to her rescue ? only to see her get kidnapped by dragonlike gwythants . taran chases after the gwythants and finds himself staring at the horned king's castle from far away . taran climbs the castle walls , and brings himself into the castle , where he attempts to rescue hen wen . he manages to do so , but he is himself captured and thrown into the dungeon . there , he meets princess eilonwy ( and her magic bauble , another thing which the horned king was hoping to use to find the cauldron ) , and the two escape through the deep castle walls . along the way , taran finds a sword in a burial chamber , and they rescue a comic bard named fflewdurr flamm , who has a harp whose strings break whenever he tells a lie . the three manage to escape the horned king's castle , but not before taran realizes that his sword is magic . as they rest in the forest , gurgi reappears , claiming to have found hen wen's trail . he leads taran , eilonwy and fflewdurr , by way of `pig tracks' , to a whirlpool . suddenly , they all get sucked under , and they meet the fairy-like fairfolk . taran is reunited with hen wen , and informed that the black cauldron is hidden in the land of morva . he then devises a crazy idea that if they can destroy the cauldron , it would prevent the horned king from destroying their world . with the help of a grumpy fairy named doli , the four travelers manage to find themselves at a mysterious cottage . it turns out to be no ordinary cottage ; three comically strange witches inhabit the place . when taran tells them that they are searching for the black cauldron , they agree to let him have it ? in exchange for his sword . taran agrees , much to eilonwy's horror , but at least they get the black cauldron . but ? the cauldron can't be destroyed , only its evil powers can be stopped . the only way to do so is for a living being to climb into it of his own free will ? never to return alive . things take a turn for the worse when the horned king's henchmen capture taran , eilonwy , and fflewdurr , along with the black cauldron , and lead them back to the castle . taran , eilonwy , and fflewdurr watch in horror as the horned king unleashes the supernatural powers of the cauldron to ressurect his army of deathless warriors ( this is the most horrifying scene in the film , because here , a dead army comes alive ? ) . just when all seems lost , though , gurgi reappears , and rescues taran , eilonwy , and fflewdurr . taran is about to jump into the black cauldron , but gurgi stops him , not wanting him to throw his life away . gurgi then jumps into the black cauldron , and the deathless warriors decay . taran tries to find a way to rescue gurgi , but he is forced to do battle against the horned king . he kicks the horned king away , who is then magically sucked into the black cauldron , where its powers immediately destroy him completely . taran , eilonwy , and fflewdurr manage to escape from the horned king's castle just as it self-destructs . the witches then reappear and attempt to take the now useless black cauldron away , but fflewdurr stops them , saying that they `never give anything away , they bargain' . in response to this , the witches offer taran his sword back , but taran instead has a new trade : the cauldron for gurgi . the trade is made ; gurgi's seemingly lifeless body reappears before the heartbroken group . as taran cradles him in his arms , though , gurgi stirs-he is not dead after all ! the happy group then returns home , where hen wen ( brought home by the fairfolk once the dangers are past ) , dallben , and even doli , await their triumphant return . as spectacular as it sounds , the black cauldron really suffered a lot in its past times . before ron miller was fired from his position as chairman of walt disney productions , he had bought a novel by lloyd alexander called the black cauldron , a sword and sorcery tale for the studio . bringing this book to the screen was the studio's fondest dream . miller , who entitled himself as the executive producer , promised that they would do so after they had proved themselves on other projects . when micheal eisner and his executives arrived at the disney animation studio , the animators were struggling to complete the black cauldron . by this time , things had gone really rocky for the animation department . many of the studio's old men had retired or died . therefore , the animators suffered a hard time making this film . originally budgeted at $25 million , the costs raised to $40 million because of constant changes on everything ? and when it was finally released on june 24 , 1985 , the black cauldron was greeted by praising reviews from some critics , but somehow the film flopped . the film was rated pg and the film , although `disneyfied' from lloyd alexander's chronicles of prydain ( which is what this film is based on ) , was much more scarier and darker than disney's other previous efforts , such as the rescuers and the fox and the hound , which is probably why so many people considered it too scary and stayed away from it . in addition , other critics rejected it for having `no heart' and `unmemorable' , compared to other disney animated features . but whatever the real reason , the black cauldron was a financial disaster , grossing only $21 million . the failure of the film grounded the studio's animation department , and exiled the animation team to annex buildings in nearby glendale , and it seemed like animated features would no longer become a part of the studio's reputation . the next two disney animated features , the great mouse detective and oliver and company , although a little more lighthearted than the black cauldron , didn't do much better ( although oliver and company grossed much more than the black cauldron and the great mouse detective ) . only with the little mermaid did the studio regain its reputation for successful animated features . as for the black cauldron , it was rereleased in some cities for a temporary time under the title taran and the magic cauldron . finally , the studio locked the film in the film vault and denied that it ever even was released . because of all this , you might ask yourself , was the black cauldron really such a bad movie ? the people who had seen the film didn't think so . in fact , many people had calls to buena vista home video requesting for the film , but of course , they denied it . for a while , it seemed like the black cauldron would never be released to video ? until september 1997 , disney released the black cauldron to video in the united kingdom . few people imported the video from england and converted to ntsc ( including me ) and for those who hadn't seen the film yet ( i am included here ) , they got quite a treat . but people who had bootleg copies of the black cauldron noticed that in the scene where the horned king raises his army of deathless warriors , about 12 seconds of ghoulish looking skeletons were slightly trimmed so that the film would get a u rating ( in the uk , the u rating means universal : suitable for all ages , kinda like their own version of g ) . somewhere online , a team of diehard the black cauldron fans signed a petition that said , `bring back the black cauldron ! ' , and because of that , disney finally decided to release the video to the united states . before that time , rumors online had been made that the video would be trimmed , like the uk video , so that it would get a g rating , and that they would add in songs . those rumors were put to rest when the walt disney company announced that the black cauldron * would * be released in its pg rated version . even still , when it was finally released to the us , some reaction was mixed . some felt that it was indeed cut , but some felt that it wasn't . but these where only minor criticisms which seemed laughable , since a film that was absent for thirteen years was finally available . as for myself , when i saw the movie for the first time ( on converted ntsc video ) , i didn't expect much at all . in fact , i had heard so many mediocre things about it , that i didn't think the film would ever be such a good film . much to my surprise , when i saw the first few minutes of the film , i was asking myself , " this is the same film everyone saw ? the one that flopped at the box office ? the one that critics and filmgoers alike called " a bad movie " ? this doesn't seem like all of the above . instead , it's a classic in its own right . the film has a wonderful cast of characters . there's taran ( grant bardsley ) , an assistant pig keeper who would rather be a warrior than a pig-keeper , the story's hero . the critics have said that taran is not likeable at all , but the opposite is true . he is brave , loyal , and eventually learns a lesson about friendship later on . there's a likeable character here ! not that he's the only likeable character in the film . there's gurgi ( john biner ) , a lovable little , uh , thing who remains loyal to taran , even though they don't quite hit it off at first . but another likeable character is the bad guy comic henchman , a dwarf named creeper ( phil fondacairo ) , who is loyal to the film's imaginative and sinister villain , the horned king ( voiced gruesomely by john hurt ) , yet he also fears his neck . the other characters , including the sidekicks , a spunky , but sweet princess named eilonwy and the comic bard fflewdurr flamm , and three comically wicked witches who hide a dark secret , although pleasant and likeable , aren't quite as well rounded as they should be . the story itself is an adventurous one , a quest involving the mystical pig , hen wen , the black cauldron itself , and an army of deathless ones with everything : a hooking opening to a spectacular finale . elmer bernstein's music also tells the story perfectly , in a dark , yet calming manner . the animation itself is surprisingly good considering that this film was created in the darkest time of the studios . even though there are some occasional effects that are not quite good , like the ground opening when the black cauldron rises out of the earth , the animation overall is top notch . overall ? this film is an entertaining endeavor . fans unfamiliar to the lloyd alexander chronicles of prydain will get a kick out of this one , except young kids . there are some extremely scary scenes which are more darker than disney's other films ( although some consider the stampede sequence from the lion king and frollo observing esmeralda in the fires of hell in the hunchback of notre dame are just as scary ) , which is the main reason why this film is rated pg . fans familiar to the lloyd alexander series will recognize the differences between the novel and the movie . even though it doesn't have all of the ingredients of a true disney film , this film is a classic in its own right , and deserves a far better chance than what it has been given . that better chance has finally come . whatever reason about why the black cauldron was such a big failure seems to have disappeared , and the film has finally achieved its place among disney's most proudest achievements . i can't help but think though , whatever would have happened if the black cauldron * was * a box office success ? quiz show , an almost perfectly accurate true story , is based upon the events of the popular television show of the mid-50's , " twenty-one " . on this trivial game show , contestants were placed in isolation booths and then answered questions corresponding to a category of their choice , on which they wagered an amount of points on . the game went on until a player reached twenty one points on felt they had earned enough points to win . but , after ratings began to fall when players were struggling to break the zero mark , the producers decided to fix the game by giving the answers to a contestant before the game began . quiz show illustrates the true stories of two particular contestants , herbie stempel and charles van doren . stempel ( john turturro ) , a former g . i . and your jewish man raising a family . stempel has been the reigning champion on " twenty-one " for many weeks and has accumulated thousands of dollars . in his mind , he is the best thing on television and the people love him . although , in the mind of the show's producers , herbie stempel is getting old . dan enright ( david paymer ) , in particular , feels that the people are tired of seeing a " jewish guy from queens with bad teeth " and that the kids need someone better to look up to . therefore , they need to find another contestant whom would be a worthy role model and the people will look up to and cheer to win . someone who can defeat stempel , even if they have to resort to cheating . enter charles van doren ( ralph fiennes ) , a well-educated professor from a widely recognized family . van doren had decided to try out for the game show " tic tac dough " because his friends thought he would be good at that sort of thing . but when albert freedman ( hank azaria ) , enright's assistant , spots van doren , the two decide that they have found their soon-to-be-ruler of the " twenty-one " kingdom . van doren is not too keen on the idea of receiving the answers ahead of time , so enright tells stempel that he is going to give the wrong answer , on purpose , in order to lose the game . after stempel loses the " throne " to van doren , he starts to feel cheated ( which he should ) . meanwhile , on his own , dick goodwin ( rob morrow ) , a harvard law graduate , has decided to start an investigation on " twenty-one " to try and find out if there have been any wrongdoings . his investigation yields shocking results and leads to a trial for enright and the others involved . quiz show is an extremely well done movie , and robert redford's direction is especially superb . the performances turned in by john turturro , ralph fiennes , and rob morrow are very good , although it seems that turturro stands out more than any . quiz show is also very precise when it comes to explicating the true events that inspired the film . definitely a film you should not miss . is jimmy stewart the greatest actor of all-time ? it's quite possible . his career spanned over 40 years , and he acted in more movies than most actors ever could . yet , when he is talked about in the media , he is generally thought of as an actor who played one type of role : the nice guy . and that's really a shame . " the naked spur " features jimmy stewart in a role completely different than what people would expect from him . it's a western , which stewart specialized in around this period , and it casts him as a desperate man out to collect a bounty on a man who used to be his friend . before he finds that man , though , he runs into two men who agree to help him , thinking he is a sheriff . when the criminal is eventually caught , the two men discover stewart's secret , and decide they want a piece of the action too . the rest of the film is a suspenseful journey in which each man suspects the other constantly . also featured is the woman travelling with the criminal , well played by janet leigh . we're never too sure who's side she's really on until the end . leigh is an actress probably best known for her role as the " shower lady " from " psycho " , and that's unfair . she gives a strong performance as a woman who is pulled between these two men . stewart gives a performance unlike anything i've ever seen from him . he usually keeps cool no matter what occurs , but here , he gets downright hysterical at times . i think perhaps he took this role to prove to the public that he was more than just a " nice guy " . his performance borders on psychotic at times , but i loved watching every second of it . it's roles like this one that make me admire him as much as i do . he was an actor unafraid to take chances , and even ruin his public image . every once in a while you see a film that is so effective in delivering the goods that it is easy to forget , and forgive , its glaring imperfections . such is the case with ? good will hunting ? , a subtle character study about a socially inept mathematics genius who struggles to find his path in life . despite some serious character problems , this is still a very good film . you probably know about the plot so i ? ll make it quick . will hunting ( damon ) is a janitor at m . i . t . , he ? s really smarter than einstein but nobody knows it . he likes to go out with his friend chuckie ( affleck ) and their other working-class buddies and drink beer . he ? s good-looking , charismatic , and witty but has a terrible time with authority and stiff college folk . after getting into a tiff with the law , a distinguished professor ( skarsg ? rd ) discovers will ? s genius and offers him a chance to clean up his record and avoid jail time , at a price : he must attend weekly sessions with a therapist and work on various mathematical problems ( that have stumped the academic elite ) with the professor . after outsmarting and scaring the hell out of a couple of different psychologists he meets his match when hooked up with a once-promising therapist named sean maguire ( williams ) who has his own problems . in the meantime will meets a british medical school student ( driver ) and they begin to fall in love . the story starts out well enough and is a pretty original basis for a film . even though we ? ve seen movies about misunderstood , erratic prodigies before ( ? shine ? ring a bell ? ) , the script here creates a complex narrative that doesn ? t just focus solely on one character . alas though , this is not a perfect film , as much as you feel like it could ? ve been while watching it . the one real problem i had with it is the unrealistic nature of the main character . is it possible for a lowly janitor to be this intelligent ? of course . is it possible for him to be estranged from any deep , human relationships ? usually , yes . but , is it possible for him to also be so handsome , funny , quick with the tongue , and city-street tough ? not very likely . come on , usually these guys are total nerds who can ? t even buy their own shirts , much less talk down a harvard student in a hip pub while picking up phone numbers from pretty med . -school girls . will is just a little too perfect , and in order to accept the character your disbelief suspension needs to be in excellent working condition . the heavy-handed , anti-war statement made by will at a government job interview late in the film is also boorish , overlong , pompous , and completely unnecessary . all this sounds pretty bad , but the film somehow makes up for it in other ways . damon ? s acting overshadows the fact that the character is slightly unbelievable , his performance is truly extraordinary . which leads me to the really good part of the review . the strength of this movie can be summed up in one single word : acting . i can ? t recall seeing a film recently that was so well-acted from top to bottom . from minnie driver ? s frustrated lover to ben affleck ? s laid-back best friend , and all the small roles in between , the performances are magnificent . robin williams ? skill is a given as a bereaved psychologist who could ? ve had a legendary career but was knocked off the path somewhere down the line . the real gem though is stellan skarsg ? rd ? s turn as professor lambeau , an award-winning mathematician who feels reduced in comparison to a younger , smarter will hunting . the scenes between williams and skarsg ? rd , as two old college pals who ? ve been brought back together by this enigmatic kid , display some of the best acting i ? ve ever seen . when i say delivering the goods , this is what i ? m talking about . watching these two work is what going to see movies is all about . gus van sant ? s ( to die for , drugstore cowboy ) cold , urban direction is right on , as well as danny elfman ? s sauntering musical score . i highly recommend ? good will hunting ? . despite its faults , it is still an intriguing and fascinating film and you are not likely to see a better acted one this year . men in black is an explosive mix of science fiction , action , and comedy that hits the target in every possible way . although another alien movie , men in black succeeds in every way that independence day didn't , and towers above many other movies of its type . the brilliant acting , especially by tommy lee jones as agent kay , is also as good as it gets . director barry sonnenfeld , who was behind the camera for the addams family movies and get shorty , has crafted a masterpiece . the story behind men in black is just as interesting as you would want it to be . the men in black , or mib , are a top-secret governmental agency that is not known to exist . the mib are responsible for " saving the world from the scum of the universe " . a though job , indeed . the film opens with a truckload of illegal aliens ( the human kind ) being transported across the mexico border and into the united states . presumably , these " aliens " are all migrant workers . that is , until the mib show up and begin interrogating them . agent kay selects a particular suspicious worker and takes him away from the other local authorities to discover that he is not an illegal human alien , but a real extra-terrestrial alien . when the alien makes a run for it , agent kay is forced to eliminate the alien with one of the mib's very unique weapons , and after one of the local law enforcement officers witnesses this bizarre occurrence , agent kay is forced to use another very unique device on them . the device , described as " out of state " , eliminates the memory of anyone it is used on . >from here , we are introduced to james edwards , played very well by will smith . edwards , a police officer , is chasing a fleeing criminal . the criminal gives a very good chase , and at one point when edwards confronts him , the criminal pulls out a very different looking weapon that disintegrated when it hit the ground . edwards continues to chase the very athletic criminal to the top of a building , where the criminal informs edwards that he must let him go , because someone is after him . edwards doesn't take this seriously , but when the criminal shows very non-human characteristics and leaps off the building , he begins to wonder . back at the police station , agent kay shows up to ask edwards a few questions . he informs edwards that is was , in fact , a non-human that he was chasing , and that the gun he pulled out was definitely not man-made . he has edwards identify the gun , and asks edwards to come to the mib headquarters the following day . edwards arrives and finds that he is involved in a recruiting process , along with various other men who seem a bit more qualified than he . after goofing up for half of the time , edwards puts on a show at the firing range , and agent kay notes the reason why he feels edwards should be the man to join the mib : he chased down the " criminal " on foot , which is something that no one is supposed to be able to do . in the meantime , an upstate new york farm has a very close encounter . edgar ( vincent d'onofrio ) , owner of the farm , investigates a strange crash landing and is attacked by the inhabitant of the flying object , which presumes to jump inside edgar and use his body as a human transport . the " bug " , as he is called , is an intergalactic terrorist who has come to earth to attempt to kill two ambassadors . and it up to the mib , with newly recruited agent jay ( formerly james edwards ) to exterminate the bug and save the planet from intergalactic war . men in black delightfully combines fast-paced action with often hilarious comedy , which is usually from will smith , although tommy lee jones opens up his comedic personality in this film . the special effects are also very well done and are not the entire source of the plot , as in another big alien film from the past summer . screenwriter ed solomon , writer of super mario bros . and the upcoming x-men film , has surely struck gold with this story . all ages will enjoy men in black . it is an extremely fun film that you will want to see again . although it runs a very quick and speedy 96 minutes , the entire film from beginning to end is a non-stop adventure . the ending of the film , which ties up a few loose ends for one of the main characters , is also very well done . a sequel is already being planned , so there is more to look forward to ! ralph fiennes is carving out a nice niche for himself in the genre of period piece romances . for his followup to the academy-beloved the english patient , he has once again turned to a love story , this time directed by accomplished australian film maker gillian armstrong ( little women ) . despite some obvious overplotting , oscar and lucinda is a mostly effective and often affecting motion picture that touches our hearts while daring our minds to balk at its implausible coincidences . the film opens in the mid-1800s , with parallel storylines in new south wales , australia and devon , england . as the helpful narrative voice of geoffrey rush informs us , lucinda leplastrier ( cate blanchett ) is a headstrong young woman being raised in the australian outback . meanwhile , half the world away , oscar hopkins ( fiennes ) has broken with his puritanical father over religious issues , and has gone away to school to study to be an anglican priest . lucinda is fascinated with glass ; oscar is obsessed with theology . lucinda is rich ; oscar is poor . lucinda is forward and self-assured ; oscar is timid and uncertain of himself . yet one characteristic unites these two diverse individuals -- the compulsion to gamble , whether it's on horses , dogs , cards , or the flip of a coin . and fate has decreed that they will one day meet . that day doesn't occur until 45 minutes into the film , when oscar boards a ship bound for sidney , australia , where he hopes to change his life and minister to anyone in need of his help . another of the passengers is lucinda , who is returning from england where she was shopping for machinery to equip her newly-acquired glassworks factory . at first , their relationship is that of a reverend and a confessor , but it doesn't take long for both of them to recognize a kindred spirit in the other . a friendship is born , and , once they reach australia , it develops into something more potent . but oscar is uncertain of lucinda's affection , and feels he must do something to prove himself worthy of her . oscar and lucinda isn't beyond a little manipulation to get the desired emotional response , and there are times when the storyline curves in preposterous directions . on more than one occasion , it's apparent that events are occurring specifically to funnel the characters into a position where there is only one possible route . coincidence is a crucial plot device ; without it , this movie can't go anywhere . the voiceover narration ( never one of my favorite techniques ) is too verbose and breaks into the story at undesirable moments . ( however , without it , the final twist , which i will not reveal , would not be as poignant . ) yet , despite these quibbles , i enjoyed oscar and lucinda . storyline faults pale in the light of two such finely-realized characters . thematically , the film is also strong . the unifying motif -- that everything in life is a gamble -- is successfully delineated . oscar and lucinda don't just wager their money , they bet their hearts , minds , and souls . a card game they engage in shortly after they first meet could easily be considered a form of emotional " strip poker " where defenses are peeled away to reveal their shared , secret passion . oscar does not see gambling as a vice . in fact , he believes that the greatest chance one takes in life is betting one's immortal soul on the truth of a religious faith . ralph fiennes , who normally plays strong , confident men , is very much at home as the fumbling , insecure oscar . the actor brings a variety of nervous tics to the part , all of which subtly add to a vague sense of discomfort whenever oscar is on-screen . as good as fiennes is , however , he is eclipsed by cate blanchett . the actress , who appeared earlier this year as one of the leads in bruce beresford's paradise road , is mesmerizing as lucinda . she gives this liberated woman her flash , and feeds the chemistry between the two lead characters so that it sparkles rather than fizzles . effective support is provided by ciaran hinds ( the male lead in jane austen's persuasion ) as lucinda's close friend , tom wilkinson ( the full monty ) as oscar's mentor , and clive russell as a self-serving adventurer . there's a real magic in the way armstrong develops the story , keeping things moving in unexpected directions without lingering too long on any one moment or sequence . ( in fact , i wish she had devoted a little more time to the luminous middle act , which has oscar and lucinda together . ) with the skill of a consummate storyteller , she weaves romance , friendship , passion , humor , and tragedy together into a complete package . the characters , with all of their human foibles and neuroses , are wonderfully developed by fiennes and blanchett . so who cares if the storyline is a little ripe and unwieldy ? oscar and lucinda still offers abundant pleasures to reward the viewer . in october of 1962 the united states found itself on the brink of nuclear holocaust when u2 spy plane fly-overs of cuba revealed that the soviet union was actively deploying and installing medium range ballistic missiles 90 miles from the us . president john kennedy ( bruce greenwood ) and his staff must face this major threat to world peace and stop soviet expansionism in director roger donaldson's dramatic recreation of the most dangerous crisis in american history in " thirteen days . " one of the highlights to come out of made-for-tv movies was a 1974 entry called " missiles of october " that also recreated the historic event that almost embroiled the us , ussr and the world in an all out nuclear showdown . that teleplay , starring william devane and martin sheen as john and bobby , showed the political tensions of the period that brought to the fore the danger the world faced in those two weeks in 1962 . now , a quarter of a century after the landmark tv movie , director roger donaldson and producer kevin costner team together again ( the last time was for the taught spy thriller " no way out " ) to re-enact the events of that most dangerous time in america's and the world's history . taken from the viewpoint of special assistant to the president kenneth p . o'donnell ( costner ) , donaldson and crew recreate that volatile event , once again , as the country is plunged into what could have been total nuclear war . as o'donnell gets ready to head to work one october morning , he deals with the usual family crises and problems . meanwhile , a u2 spy plane photo mission over cuba has produced some startling images - medium range nuclear missiles in the first stage of deployment . suddenly , ken's routine day switches into crisis mode as the president and his key advisor bobby begin to muster the considerable forces of the us military to face the soviet threat . where " thirteen days " differs most from " missiles of october " is , as expected , in the scope of the project . there is a big difference , budget-wise , between making a television docudrama and one that goes to the big screen . it shows as the makers of " thirteen days " craft a recreation of the cuban missile crisis that encompasses not only the political intrigue within the white house , it also depicts the events that took place as america girds itself for nuclear confrontation . the cast , a true ensemble , is led , surprisingly , by bruce greenwood as jfk and not by kevin costner . costner's o'donnell represents the family guy thing as the drama of the crisis has its impact on him and his family . this puts a personal spin on the film as we see both the crisis and america's preparation for war and the pressure it brings to bear on those in the know . kenny reassures his wife and kids that all will be okay and they will be safe , but he knows that , if the crisis comes to a head , his family will be no more . the meat of " thirteen days " is in the big picture , not the microcosm of family , though . this is where the film stands out as we see the workings of our government on the highest levels . the story does not just cover the face-off between the world's two most powerful countries ; it also depicts the animosity between the president and the military/cia . the disaster of the bay of pigs invasion the year before left a distrustful taste in the mouths of the generals and admirals who blame the kennedys for not backing the cuban expatriates fighting fidel castro . the missile crisis becomes a struggle for power as the army/navy/air force want to flex their might and invade cuba , while jfk wants to end the confrontation peaceably but with america's dignity and world leadership intact . while the internal battle for power rages in the white house , with air force chief curtis lemay ( kevin conway ) advising the president to bomb cuba into the stone age , our armed forces are set into motion to stop the soviets with a blockade of offensive weapons to cuba . this is where the political intrigues of high office are replaced by exciting action . when the first confrontation takes place between a us warship and a soviet freighter , the tension is palpable . the most involving action sequence takes place late in the game as another u2 is sent up to shoot some snaps of the buildup and the fully prepared soviet forces launch an anti-aircraft attack on the hapless pilot of the spy plane . this is a sweaty palm sequence to say the least , making you squirm in your seat as you try to help the pilot avoid those missiles . the ensemble cast places greenwood as the first among equals with like weight given to all the principle players . greenwood does not play act at being a caricature of jfk , foregoing the typical kennedy boston accent . instead , he plays the man as a powerful figure who has to maintain the dignity of the office , directing his subordinates but giving them the latitude to make clear all of his options . kennedy used this decision by committee method to good effect as his senior staff uncovers all the options available to the president . costner , as ken o'donnell , is really a supporting cast member as a kennedy crony brought on board as a personal political favor . costner plays o'donnell as if he crammed on old jfk speeches with a forced kennedyesque twang to his speech . the rest of the players are first rate from start to finish with steven culp looking and sounding just like robert kennedy . the rest of the familiar players in this drama are uniformly well cast , too . standing out are michael fairman as the beleaguered us ambassador to the un , adlai stevenson , who was forced to become the challenging voice of the united states in the united nations and i remember the confrontation vividly . the filmmakers capture the accusations laid down by stevenson with accuracy , using old style video footage to good effect . dylan baker has the look and feel of the intelligentsia as the brainy secretary of defense robert mcnamara . kevin conway gives his general lemay the right " bomb them to hell " attitude . also notable is christopher lawford as navy pilot william ecker who , with his wingman , takes on the dangerous mission of a low-level photo recon into the heart of cuba , bravely challenging kenny o'donnell's admonition , " don' get shot . " tech credits are superb across the board with an admirable depiction of the us armed forces being placed on a war footing . it's an impressive production with the careful use of period aircraft and ships that gives the film a veracity fitting the event . solid costuming by isis mussenden is subtle but has the look of the kennedys . there is the usual array of vintage cars from the period to make things look right . the special f/x of the u2 sequences are a nice crafting of computer imaging . the cuban missile crisis is probably the most intense two weeks that the united states has ever faced in its survival as a world leader . helmer donaldson and his fine crew and cast have given the depiction of this crucial event with the care and attention to details that make this one of the finest docudramas of the year . i give " thirteen days " an a- . true faith and its expression through organized religion is a difficult subject for a motion picture to tackle head-on , which is probably why so few of them do it . even the most religious directors - like martin scorsese or ingmar bergman - usually address issues of faith in implicit rather than explicit religious terms . so it's not hard to see why it took robert duvall fifteen years to get " the apostle " onto the big-screen . as a matter of fact , even after fifteen years he still never managed to get financial backing , and he ended up paying for it with $5 million of his own money . he also wrote the script , directed the film , and starred as the central character , a fiery texas preacher named euliss " sonny " dewey . few filmmakers have the courage and sheer audacity to take on that kind of financial , technical , and creative responsibility single-handedly , and it's testament to what an intensely personal project this was for duvall . and , thankfully , every bit of that personal investment translates on-screen into power and honest emotion . sonny is an energetic , pentecostal preacher who has been speaking ( actually shouting ) from behind the pulpit since he was twelve . he spends much of his time traveling about the country , evangelizing with other preachers at tent revivals . unlike most hollywood characterizations of intense preachers , sonny is not a phony or a swindler , and the film's purpose is not to unearth hypocrisy and sin in either sonny or the church . duvall makes it abundantly clear that sonny truly believes in what he says , although like all humans , he has weaknesses . one of his weaknesses become apparent when he finds out that , not only does his long-suffering wife , jessie ( farrah fawcett ) , want to leave him for another man in the congregation , but the two of them have secretly plotted to remove him as preacher . faced with the loss of two things he loves passionately- his church and his family - that same raw power that allows sonny to get entire congregations rocking and swaying transforms into a violent temper . at his son's baseball game , sonny snaps and smashes his wife's lover in the face with a baseball bat , inflicting a wound that may be fatal . not knowing what else to do , sonny disappears . he throws away his identification , drives his car into a lake , and takes a bus to louisiana , hoping to start over again . in the tiny , mostly poor coastal town of bayou boutte , sonny once again finds his calling . after befriending a simple auto mechanic ( walt goggins ) and tracking down the town's ex-minister ( john beasley ) , sonny sets up his own church , the one way to heaven temple . re-christening himself as " the apostle e . f . , " he quickly draws together an eager congregation , and together they realize real change in each other's lives . but , always , sonny's past is lurking a step behind him , waiting to swallow his progress . duvall has made his intentions in making " the apostle " clear . in a recent article in " newsweek , " he wrote : " filmmakers hardly ever depict spirituality with such a strong emphasis on the holy spirit , and when they do , it tends to be patronizing - full of charlatans and snake handlers . . . but what i really wanted to do was try to understand what these preachers go through and what they believe , and to portray it in an accurate way . " the strength of duvall's convictions turn out to be the strength of his film - " the apostle " always rings true , even in the most painful moments , because we know he's being sincere with the subject matter . after fifteen years of traveling the country , listening to all shapes and sizes of ministers and taking studious notes on what they said , duvall has captured the energy and vitality of what it means to be truly spiritual . his sonny is a man who speaks directly to god and expects to be spoken right back to . " i've always called you jesus and you've always called me sonny , " he says . when neighbors call and complain that he is being too loud one night in one his rants with the man upstairs , sonny's mother ( june carter cash ) just hangs up on them because she knows there's no sense trying to interrupt him . the main theme to emerge from " the apostle " is the fact that good can come from any situation . sonny's act of violence toward another human being is inarguably a horrific thing , and duvall never shrinks from that fact . however , that very same act of violence is what brings sonny to bayou boutte , where he finds people whom he desperately needs and who desperately need him . in his short time in louisiana , he does a world of good , and when the police finally show up to take him away , he goes quietly , knowing that he deserves the punishment that is awaiting him . and , as a scene during the final credits shows , he even turns his punishment into a positive opportunity for change and betterment . it is that strength in sonny's character that makes him so appealing and magnetic to others - he is flawed , but he is powerful enough to overcome those flaws . weak men are the ones who simply accept their weaknesses and lack the desire to better themselves . watching duvall on-screen , it's not hard to imagine that he would have been a magnificent preacher if he had chosen that vocation over acting . as sonny , he completely inhabits the character , and his performance is certainly the best of the year . because he spent so much time absorbing the traits , methods , quirks , and personalities of real preachers , duvall was able to create a complete character who always feels indelibly human . as a director , duvall feels that less is more . his camera simply takes in what goes on in front of it , with very little intrusion . there are no fancy crane shots or extended dollies or excessive close-ups . duvall knew that the power of the film's characters ( enhanced by the fact that he cast mostly non-professional churchgoers and actual ministers ) didn't need to be artificially enhanced . in this way , " the apostle " almost plays out like a documentary , not only in its technical simplicity , but more importantly , in its sense of reality . when a someone journeys to the theater to see a comedy , he always risks having to sit through inanity such as what we recently saw in films like edtv and office space . it really is too bad that comedies are so hit- and-miss , because when a moviegoer goes in a theater expecting to be amused , it really is a shame when the alleged comedy fails to deliver . but weep not , dear readers , because the latest comedy out of the hollywood movie mill is nothing less than a sure bet . austin powers : the spy who shagged me is one of the funniest things i've had the pleasure to see in a long time ; a completely looney , delightful parody of the often pretentious james bond flicks . if all comedies ( or even half ; or - - what am i saying ? -- even a fifth of them ) could be this consistently hysterical , i would take up residence at my local multiplex . even more to this movie's credit is the fact that it is a sequel to the 1997 sleeper/cult hit austin powers : international man of mystery . the original came out of nowhere ; it was a low-budget , eccentric movie that many expected to flop like a leslie nielsen parody . all of a sudden it was being quoted by teenagers all over america . ironically , powers' " yeeeeah baby , yeah ! " has almost become an icon of the late 90s . thus another installment was inevitable , but it's also undoubtedly welcome . the spy who shagged me is one of the most unrestrained , over- the-top comedies i have ever seen in my entire life . it brings back most of the characters from its predecessor ( even if only briefly ) and adds new ones . austin powers ( mike myers ) , a swinging hipster from the 60s transported into the 90s has to go back to his own time to get back his mojo ( oh , you'll figure it out ) , which dr . evil ( meyers again ) has stolen . he enlists the help of a gorgeous secret agent felicity shagwell ( now that his prior sidekick vanessa has been properly disposed of in a hilarious opening sequence ) , played without much distinguishable gusto by heather graham and together they go back to the 60s to defeat dr . evil yet again . surprisingly , the real star is dr . evil rather than austin . he gets most of the screen time because he was so popular in the first movie . perhaps this is true because he is portrayed and written so affectionately . instead of being the scheming , villainous mad scientist we might expect from a character like this he is a bumbling , often sweet mad scientist wannabe . the spy who shagged me has much of the same stuff we saw in the original , but that's okay by me because the original left us wanting more . by the time that one was over we haven't had nearly our share of shag jokes , crude puns and powers' antics and this sequel satisfies our appetites . even by its conclusions , i'm still not sure i've had my fill of bits like " do you smoke after sex ? " " i don't know , baby , i never looked . " this may seem awfully immature of me , but understand that the austin powers series , unlike most of the crap hollywood feeds us these days , is genuinely funny . i don't know if i've ever laughed harder at any movie than i did during the jerry springer send up or the indubitably hilarious " just the two of us " rendition by dr . evil and his new miniature clone named " mini-me " . i don't have any pretensions that this is particularly smart social satire or anything of the sort . indeed there is little beyond the joy a viewer feels when he sees something that is able to entertain him as much as this movie did . but as far as i'm concerned , that is enough . ? 1999 eugene novikov ‰ ; almost a full decade before steven spielberg's saving private ryan asked whether a film could be both " anti war " and " pro-soldier " , john irvin's hamburger hill proved it could . lost in the inundation of critical acclaim that greeted oliver stone's platoon , this excellent film was dismissed as " too militaristic " . it's hard to understand exactly why---unless irvin , in assembling his motley collection of young men who for predictable ( and often naive ) reasons " chose to show up " for the vietnam debacle , ---has refused to present us with the stone killer , drug-stoked psycho and ruthless opportunist who have become to vietnam war epics what " the polack , the hillbilly and the kid from brooklyn " became to wwii movies . hamburger hill , based on a true story , is not an easy film to watch . there is a scene that will have graying anti-war activists squirming in their seats , or moved to genuine tears . and the climactic final assault on the " hill " in question is visually confusing . gristly realities are presented in brief flashes , as if the brain dared not acknowledged what it had encountered . and in the mud and smoke officer and enlistee , veteran and " newbie " , black soldier and white , become almost indistinguishable from each other , as they do in the chaos of actual combat . the acting throughout is solid with an absolutely stellar performance rendered by courtney b . vance as doc--in a role that will have many flatly disbelieving that this is same actor they cheered as " seaman jones " in mctiernan's red october . if you've seen private ryan , you owe it to yourself to see hamburger hill--if only to determine that the all the valour and horror of spielberg's vision was as present in the ashau valley as it was at omaha beach . in these days of overlong movies ( meet joe black , the thin red line , the mask of zorro ) it is a shame that films like waking ned devine can't be longer than a paltry 90 minutes . this is just a cute movie , even through its mildly risque subject matter . old friends jackie ( bannen ) and michael ( kelley ) try to find the lottery winner ( they deduce must live in their dinky town of about 60 ) so that they might kiss up to him and share the winnings . through process of elimination , they find that it must be lovable old ned devine , who they find sitting in front of his tv , clutching the winning lottery ticket in his cold dead hand . what results is thuroughly amusing , as jackie tries to convince his wife that not claiming it would be wrong , and that they could really benefit . after all , old ned won't miss it . rather than divulge the later twists and turns , i'll stop here merely pointing out that jackie and michael get into all sorts of trouble in their little sleepy irish villiage . bannen and kelly are a perfect pair . one slightly stout , the other as thin as a rail . both getting on in years , they make such a cute pair of old codgers . waking ned devine may even be seen as a " full monty " for the geriatric set , especially since kelly gets buff-o for one amusing scene . waking ned devine is by no means perfect , but it is so sincere and touching that it looks so much better than most films . the performances by everyone in the town are great , particularly the two leads . there is one twist at the end which i find unnecessary , but it hardly ruins the picture . writer/director kirk jones should be held up as an example to all those hollywood screenwriters . scripts as creative and endearing as this should be the norm , not the exception . perhaps it makes us appreciate this wonderful film even more . had i held off on my year's best/worst list for another day , waking ned devine ( officially released in late november of 98 ) surely would have graced the short group of the year's finest films . it is light , but thought provoking and sweet . i can't think of anyone who shouldn't see ( or wouldn't enjoy ) this film . dark city is such a rare treat : it ? s a stunning , hyperkinetic vision of a place where our reality is fused with noir , science fiction and the darkest nights in manhattan and london . to boot , it is accompanied by an intense , well written and thoughtful story . movies of this caliber and idea aren ? t made too often , and it ? s unfortunate that i waited this long to see it . alex proyas , who ? s previous film the crow looked good but couldn ? t cover up the terrible acting or story , here shows a near masterpiece ; a combination of metropolis , edward hopper and phillip marlowe , fused seemlessly . at times it moves beyond film into artwork . it is the story of ? strangers ? , aliens from another planet ( and we know they ? re aliens because they shave their heads and wear overcoats ? one of the detractions of the film ) who experiment on humans to discover what makes them live , what makes up our ? soul ? . these aliens are superior to humans because they have mastered the ? ultimate technology ? of shaping matter with their mind , called ? tuning . they are aided by a human scientist , played by kiefer sutherland , who has ? betrayed his kind ? and at the start of the film watches as the entire city stops at exactly midnight . during this time , john murdoch , played swiftly by rufus sewell , wakes in a bathtub in a room with a swinging overhead light ( a terrific visual effect - not only is murdoch confused , but so is the audience ) . without a memory and a strange guilt that he may be a killer , he receives a phone call to flee , as the strangers are after him . i don ? t want to proceed to much further with the explanation of the story ; one of the pleasures of the film is watching it develop , in a way regaining murdoch ? s ? identity ? along with him . it ? s a pleasure to watch the characters develop through the cinematography . murdoch ? s wife , anna , is introduced through a stunning beam of light : she is a lounge singer who sings into a bright spotlight . shadows , outlines of men in hats watch , as she gently curves through the shine . we see the outline of her body from behind , an hourglass , as she sings a slow , rhythmic song . a great entrance . however , a film such as this is only successful if the morals and themes behind it are strong enough to leave the viewer satisfied . the city is nice to look at , but if it ? s a poor story then it ? s not worth watching . blade runner was popular not only because it ? s visuals , but it ? s story and themes were thought out and provoked strong response from the audience . it is discussed it and argued , therefore a success . other science fiction films of recent times , such as the fifth element , are nice to look at , but are dropped and forgotten because the cookie cutter moral behind them is so flimsy . we ? re left with ? love conquers all ? after finishing the fifth element . dark city is not so easily explained away . as the strangers discovered , locating the human soul and discovering what makes us survive is not such an easy task . where is reality ? dark city is certainly the best science fiction film of the 90 ? s , and ranks along with the best made in the 80s , such as blade runner and the two aliens films . perhaps it ? s the best of the both decades ; it had the darkness of the aliens films , as well as the visuals and compelling story of blade runner , but moved beyond , i think , because the themes behind it were much stronger . anyone who wants to make an argument for better science fiction films please feel free to write , i ? d love to hear it . anyone who saw alan rickman's finely-realized performances in truly madly deeply and sense and sensibility will be unsurprised that the actor-turned-director is a bit of a poet at heart . however , for those who recall him only as the maniacal villain of die hard and robin hood : prince of thieves , this recognition may be something of a shock . nevertheless , " poetic " is an excellent term to describe rickman's feature debut as a director , the winter guest . the film has a simple , unhurried rhythm that uses all of the available elements to fashion a successful whole . the result is an occasionally haunting , sometimes magical , and always insightful human drama . the winter guest isn't about resolving plot threads and advancing a story line ; it's about exploring relationships and examining life in all of its stages . the winter guest does not tell a traditional tale , nor does it ascribe to a conventional narrative structure ? there is no real beginning or end . instead , we are given an opportunity to observe one day in the lives of eight humans . they represent both sexes , multiple generations , and a variety of relationships ? male and female ; young , middle-aged , and elderly ; friends , would-be lovers , and kin . we see expectations fulfilled and disappointed , emotional boundaries eroded , and truths unveiled . there is comedy and tragedy . most importantly , much of what transpires during the course of the winter guest will find an echo in our own lives ? in this fiction can be found much truth . the setting is small town in scotland on the coldest day of the year . it's so frigid that the sea has begun to freeze over . the onshore wind cuts like a knife and snow blankets the beach , giving the terrain an alien appearance . it is against this backdrop that the relationships of the film are captured . there are four pairings , and , although there is some interaction between the different twosomes , the winter guest's focus is on the dynamics internal to each relationship . the first , meatiest pairing is that of elspeth ( phylida law ) and her recently-widowed daughter , frances ( emma thompson ) . these two have a stormy relationship . they love each other deeply , but both are stubborn and willful , and neither is willing to admit that they need the other . much of their interaction is argumentative , but , during the course of a long walk to the frozen shoreline , they come to an unspoken understanding of how much each means to the other . frances' adult son , alex ( gary hollywood ) , is a lonely young man who has been caring for his mother since the death of his father . on this day , he meets a girl , nita ( arlene cockburn ) , who has secretly been spying on him for weeks . although their first encounter is antagonistic ( she throws a snowball at him ) , both quickly become aware of an undeniable attraction . once they retire to a place where they can be alone , however , things don't go exactly as planned . lily ( sheila reid ) and chloe ( sandra voe ) are a couple of old friends who are frequent funeral attendees . death is a topic of endless fascination for them , perhaps because they are so close to it , and they spend their spare time scanning the obituaries , looking for the next funeral or cremation in the area . it doesn't matter whether or not they knew the deceased . it's the ceremony that they're interested in . sam ( douglas murphy ) and tom ( sean biggerstaff ) , a pair of schoolboy chums , are spending this cold february day cutting classes and hanging out at the beach , horsing around , building a small fire for warmth , and walking on the frozen water . unlike lily and chloe , these two have their entire lives ahead of them . they are young enough to still believe in magic , but old enough to recognize that the process of crossing into adulthood robs life of the simple joy that only children can experience . the acting is strong and believable . the mixture of veteran performers and first-timers is effective , with the most successful choice being the casting of real-life mother and daughter phylida law and emma thompson in the most prominent roles . there is a chemistry in their interaction that would be hard to replicate with two different , non-related actors . and , of course , the physical resemblance makes it that much easier to accept elspeth and frances as parent and child . the winter guest began its life as a stage play in 1995 , with rickman as the director . four of the film's principals , phylida law , arlene cockburn , sheila reid , and sandra voe , appeared in the theatrical version before moving to the film . unlike several recent motion pictures adapted from plays , the winter guest has been successfully opened up . the rough , bleak scottish countryside becomes as much of a character as any of the eight humans . in fact , considering how important the climate is to every relationship under rickman's microscope , it could be argued that this is the single most important element of the movie . if you appreciate character studies , the winter guest is a solid effort with enough power to stay with you after you have left the theater . i want to correct what i wrote last year in my retrospective of david lean's war picture . i still think that " the bridge on the river kwai " doesn't deserve being the number 13 in the american film institute's list of the 100 greatest american movies . and i think that " 12 angry men " , " witness for the prosecution " and " paths of glory " would have been better choices for the oscar for the best picture of 1957 . but i can't deny the importance of " the bridge on the river kwai " - cinematically and in its contents . the film is set in burma in 1943 . a batallion of british soldiers in japanese war captivity is forced by the japanese to build a strategically momentous railway bridge over the river kwai . but the british commanding officer , colonel nicholson ( alec guinness ) , insists - corresponding to the geneva conventions - that his officers needn't work as simple workmen . struggling toughly , col . nicholson forces the japanese commandant , col . saito ( sessue hayakawa ) , to give way in this respect . afterwards col . nicholson assiduously commits himself for the building of the bridge . he considers it an opportunity to raise his men's morale , and he wants to prove superior british capabilities to the japanese . but the british high command sends a few soldiers who shall destroy the bridge , among them the american shears ( william holden ) - an escapee from the japanese prison camp - and the british major warden ( jack hawkins ) . . . a flaw of the picture is the clich ? d characterization of the japanese people . they are presented as if they were intellectually inferior to the british - as if the japanese were incapable of building a bridge . and the film doesn't consistently question the military spirit as kubrick does in " paths of glory " . lean seems rather fascinated by the military hierarchies . this is also perceptible in the conversations between col . nicholson and col . saito . in this regard it is symptomatic that shears , who doubts the military logic , is presented as a somehow unpleasant person . the audience is supposed to applaud col . nicholson's perseverance concerning the question if his officers shall work on the bridge or not . the spectators are supposed to neglect the risks col . nicholson takes for his men . ( the plot by-passes these risks . ) that means , the picture isn't perfect . but it has a lot of virtues as well . " the bridge on the river kwai " shows the " madness " of war and what it can produce in people's minds . it shows how colonel nicholson becomes possessed by the idea of being a hero and that others ( like shears ) get cynics . and lean's film is an interesting study of characters with clashing interests . these points and the sometimes ironic dialogue make this film an anti-war film ( despite inconsistencies in the treatment of this theme ) . david lean's direction is really effective and atmospherically perfect . his film is highly suspenseful , especially in its dramatic ( if not wholly plausible ) showdown . the film is also well-photographed and has an apt score . alec guinness does a magnificent job of bringing col . nicholson to life and making him such an interesting character . the other actors deliver fine performances as well . i like this extraordinary film despite its weaknesses . ( c ) karl rackwitz ( klein k ? ris , germany , 1999 ) recently i read 4 reviews of pleasantville-one from entertainment weekly , one from a newsgroup , and two from different online resources . each review compared this film to the truman show . why ? the only reason people compared pleasantville to truman is due to the fact that their lives are on television . other than that , the two movies are completely different from each other . reviewers seem to love to pick one movie ( i . e . the truman show ) , obsess over it , and make it a guideline for other movies . when pleasantville and edtv opened , all critics seemed to treat the two films like they were subjects of king truman . the same goes for the thin red line , as well . when it opened in decemeber , probably 98% of reviews compared it to stephen spielberg's saving private ryan , giving thin line no chance whatsoever . critics loved private ryan so much , that they automatically decided no movie is good enough to reach its standards . this is why i think pleasantville was underrated . if the truman show had never been made , pleasantville probably would have received better reviews , done better at the box office , and would be remembered after it's long been on the video store shelves . sure , it wasn't perfect , and it wasn't very believeable , but neither was the wizard of oz or star wars , and there stands two of the most prominent movies in history . with the exception of don knotts as the annoying " tv repairman " the film is cast perfectly : the ice storm's tobey maguire is david in real life ; he watches the old 50's sitcom " pleasantville " to escape from his feuding parents . his twin sister , jen ( reese witherspoon ) is a popular slut who ( steriotypically ) smokes and wears revealing clothes . but what makes her character believeable is the dialogue-those excessive 90's terms such as " like " , " whatever " , and " cool " make her sound like the total dimwit she's supposed to be . the twins , with a little help from a tv repairman ( casting don knotts in this role was obviously a cameo-esque cast rather than a true acting one ) , are sucked into pleasantville by a magical new remote . their new parents , played by william h . macy and joan allen , are perfect in every way . their new names are bud and mary sue , and right away they start to corrupt the town of pleasantville . after the siblings fit comfortably in their new roles , the movie begins to take form . it's just like watching a sitcom in itself ; you don't want it to end . " mary sue " has sex with her date , the school basketball champion ; when he tells all his friends about it , they stop preforming perfectly at basketball , and things start to take color . soon we learn that these people don't know how to express true emotions , and when they learn to do so , they eventually turn into color . this eventually sparks a racial war between the " coloreds " and the " black & whites . " entertainment weekly reviewer lisa schwarzbaum claims the movie has , " none of the depth , poignance , and brilliance of the truman show . . . " yes , the truman show was maybe a little more intelligent . but the racial setting-intensified by the forcing of the coloreds to sit in the upper box of the courtroom-certainly classifies as deep , considering it's what i least expected . gary ross did not try to create an intelligent , award masterpiece-he just tries to convey moral messages within his work . take for example big and dave , his past films . big-be careful what you wish for . dave-good or bad lying is still lying . did these movies win big awards ? no , but they won the heart of millions . pleasantville could have done that too , if it wasn't for snotty reviewers who set precedents with preceeding films . pleasantville : a- ad2am " i almost lost my nose . . . and i like it . i like breathing through it . " -jack nicholson , chinatown note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . the teaser trailers for my best friend's wedding scarsely gave reason for hope - it looked like the sort of goofy , light-hearted comedy than might put julia roberts back in the limelight , but little more ; i'd frankly rarely seen a trailer place such an emphasis on people falling over for laughs so often . it was then to both my surprise and my delight to find that my best friend's wedding was such a success - a strong , bouyant romantic-comedy with some decidedly unconventionally quirky comic aspects , featuring a triumphant performance from ms . roberts . the heroine of my best friend's wedding is julianne potter ( julia roberts ) , a successful new york restaurant critic , and we open the film with a whimsical revelation to her editor george downes ( rupert everett ) that years ago , she had made a pact with her dear best friend and ex-lover michael o'neal ( dermot mulroney ) , a sports writer , that if they both hadn't married by the time they reached 28 , they had promised to marry each other . both julianne and michael are both single , of course , and when george inquires about michael's age , julianne realizes that he's mere weeks away from his 28th birthday , and is quite distressed when she receives a phone call from michael later that day . however , she finds herself even more distraught when michael's call is in regards to his impending marriage to heiress kimmy wallace ( cameron diaz ) , and when he asks julianne to fly down to chicago for the wedding , julianne suddenly realizes that she loves michael , and resolves to break up the wedding and steal the groom by any means necessary . the setup for my best friend's wedding , then , is a fairly conventional one , and in many ways the film's storyline is formulaic - but only to a certain extent : the film was directed by p . j . hogan , whose first feature , muriel's wedding , had quite an offbeat tone for a traditional uplifting ugly-duckling story , and the same holds true for my best friend's wedding , which confidently combines traditional romantic-comedy elements with a really eccentric sense of humour . the film is innundated with sly mischievousness which seems clearly the influence of mr . hogan . for example , there's a heartfelt , emotional exchange between julianne and michael late in the film - with a trio of teenagers , inhaling helium and sounding every bit like alvin and the chipmunks , harmonizing in the background . my best friend's wedding opens with an inspired opening credit sequence which sets the tone for the film , and there are scenes where actors spontaneously burst into song to good comic effect - it could almost be argued that this film is nearly as much of a musical as woody allen's everyone says i love you ; i'd even assert it's a more successful one . my best friend's wedding keeps breaking conventionality with its characters as well . in a typical romantic-comedy , kimmy would be portrayed as a snooty , conniving ice queen , and the audience would be cheering for julianne to rescue michael from her grasps ; this film is smarter than that - here , kimmy is sweet , sincere , and innocent ; julianne even admits at one point that had she not resolved to utterly destroy kimmy's life , she'd actually like her too . the george character is almost a staple of recent film - the homosexual male friend of the heroine who acts as a confidant and provides the guiding voice of reason - but in my best friend's wedding , he gets to have a playful , mischievous and charming personality . throughout the film , the formulaisms one often sees is romantic-comedy are given little twists , and the result is a film which is compelling all the way to its somewhat unorthodox conclusion . there is a lot of smart writing in the well-paced screenplay by ronald bass ; we're given four interesting , vivid , and likeable characters , with some good dialogue and some genuinely charming and touching moments . my best friend's wedding marks a strong career rebound for julia roberts , who turns in a top-notch , confident and reassured performance as julianne . this isn't the sort of role one usually associates with ms . roberts - the julianne character's neurotic , fumbling characteristics are more in line with a meg ryan role - but ms . roberts works wonderfully in the film and demonstrates her aptitude at comedy here , remaining compelling and empathetic to the audience , if not entirely sympathetic , even when her deeds done to destroy the wedding plans of her best friend are less than honourable . even better than ms . roberts though is cameron diaz , who turns in a shining performance in my best friend's weddding . with a smile which lights up the screen , she effectively conveys kimmy's insecurity and utter sweetness in an endearing manner , and never hits a false note in the film . she even sings - i won't soon forget her charming serenade of " i just don't know what to do with myself " . rupert everett is given a very juicy role as george , and he makes the most of it with a hilarious turn which makes his character perhaps the most vivid and most memorable in the film . his george is a bit of a devilish rogue , entirely affable , and mr . everett's performance is a delight to watch ; he's clearly having fun , and his joy is infectuous . dermot mulroney is adequate in a thankless role - unlike the other characters in the film , he's not given a lot to do , but there is a genuine onscreen chemistry between ms . roberts and mr . mulroney , and consequently the longstanding friendship between his michael character and the julianne character always seemed completely authentic . when julia roberts' lustre began to fade , and she was usurped from her title as " america's sweetheart " by sandra bullock , i thought it was a canny career move on her part to take supporting roles in prestige projects like michael collins and everyone says i love you to raise her profile . while that didn't quite work out , it's near-certain that her successful return to the genre which made her a big star back in 1990 , the romantic-comedy , will once again raise her ante in the hollywood game . my best friend's wedding marks a return to form for ms . roberts , and cements p . j . hogan's reputation as a skilled director of comedy . robocop is an intelligent science fiction thriller and social satire , one with class and style . the film , set in old detroit in the year 1991 , stars peter weller as murphy , a lieutenant on the city's police force . 1991's detroit suffers from rampant crime and a police department run by a private contractor ( security concepts inc . ) whose employees ( the cops ) are threatening to strike . to make matters worse , a savage group of cop-killers has been terrorizing the city . on murphy's first day of duty , after his transfer from another precinct , these cop-killers brutally murder him by shooting off his limbs one by one . ( orion pictures had to edit this extremely graphic scene in order to get an r rating from the m . p . a . a . ) after the emergency room staff at the hospital cannot save murphy and declare him clinically dead , s . c . i . recruits his remains for their new " robocop " program . using the remains of murphy's body as a foundation , their scientists build a cyborg , made of both flesh and metal . the cyborg ( robocop ) is half human ( murphy ) and half robot ; the s . c . i . engineers have erased murphy's memory and replaced it with a computer program ( or so they think ) . with his lightning quick reflexes , immense strength , and impenetrable armor , s . c . i . envisions robocop as an indestructible super-cop : the solution to detroit's problems . the remainder of the plot follows robocop's crime-foiling and vengeance on his murderers . as a science fiction action-thriller , robocop is extremely effective . dutch director paul verhoeven combines gritty action with suspense , shocking gore , and spectacular special effects . several sequences in the film , such as the one in which robocop employs his extremely precise aim to stop a rapist , are destined to become cult-classics . because robocop is so visually and emotionally rousing , it demands to be seen on a large screen with an audience--in other words , in a movie theater . although the special effects and action are exciting , they do not by themselves set robocop apart from other films in the genre . rather , robocop stands out for its accurate and biting satire of american society . the movie makes a mockery of the star wars defense initiative , terrorism , board games , and television news broadcasts with air-headed anchors . these news broadcasts , which are exceptionally clever , recur periodically throughout the movie and help to provide comic relief from the intense action and gore . the satire in robocop , however , is almost as frightening in its own way as the suspense and blood . 1990's america , as portrayed in the film , may seem far fetched but is in actuality ( i think ) only a slight exaggeration of the current state of american society . the humorous satire in robocop is simultaneously credible and absurd . verhoeven adroitly balances the satirical comedy with the gory action to create an entertaining and enlightening piece of science fiction/social commentary . unfortunately , robocop possesses several flaws which prevent it from qualifying as a classic within the genre . the movie lacks the lasting impact of such films as the road warrior , the terminator , and aliens . robocop's main problem , aside from its dumb title , is that it does not sufficiently develop murphy's character . we never learn the degree to which murphy ( as robocop ) is human and the degree to which he is a robot . does murphy have any human spirit or free will left , or is he merely a computer following a program ? the script halfheartedly raises these issues but then abandons them in its climactic flurry of gory action . moreover , it almost completely ignores the question ( and tragedy ) of denying a man his right to die in favor of turning him into a machine . robocop also contains several bothersome loose-ends . as you watch robocop , you experience deja vu ; you feel as if you have seen the film before . in many respects , robocop is reminiscent of several other films , including the terminator , return of the jedi , and even death wish . however , to its credit , robocop easily has enough originality and unique personality to avoid becoming a cheap rip-off . probably the most popular and praised film of all time , turned out to be a primitive and predictable costume drama with a dose of social criticism . everyone knows about the greatest and most famous shipping disaster of all time . and the actual catastrophe is masterfully crafted by director james cameron , combining visual -and sound effects , he re-creates the frightening atmosphere of the sinking ship in the middle of nowhere . i liked very much the emotional and brutal contrast between the first and the third classes . while their cabin is slowly filling up with water , a mother is telling her children a fairytail -- " . . and they lived happily ever after . . " . and then the ship goes down and the few survivors are left alone under the stars and the chilling air . however , the actual disaster is happening almost at the end of the movie , while the first two hours are just beautiful sets and bad dialogues . in the present day , the rms titanic is explored by brock lovett ( bill paxton ) , a treasure seeker looking for the coeur de la mer diamond , lost during the sinking . somewhere inside the ship , lovett's crew discover a sketchbook of an artist long dead . here , in the shape of a nude young lady , is a window into the distant age of 1912 . lovett is extremely surprised when he get's a phone call from rose dawson , claiming that she is a model . she is immediately helicoptered onto the vessel , and she gets the first glimpse of the fated ship in 80 years . as the memories come flooding back , she once again becomes rose dewitt buketer ( kate winslet ) , the fianc ? e of wealthy cal hockley ( billy zane ) and daughter of ruth dewitt bukater ( frances fisher ) . on board there are rich and poor , everyone trust in the ship's designer ( jonathan hyde ) and her master , captain e . j . smith ( bernard hill ) . on board the ship , rose , unhappy and restless meets jack ( leonardo dicaprio ) - a young american artist , poor , brave and attractive . a love story slowly emerges and the two lovers must not only experience the difference between the social classes , but also face the greatest power on earth - death . cameron could as well have called his picture " the never ending love " or " love at first sight " , as he concentrates all his energy on the young couple , and not on the disaster itself . the plot is anything but original and the dialogues sometimes resemble a television soap-opera . the director doesn't even try to overcome his empty script . because of its primitive and predictable plot , titanic is totally depending on the visuals that truly are breathtaking . russel carpenter's rich , majestic and incredibly detailed cinematography is certainly award-worthy . everything from art direction to visual and sound effects are a top notch . but it doesn't help much when the costumes are more convincing than the actors who wear them . the actors are not to blame , because their characters are more like caricatures , in other words - fake . jack is a man with many talents : he is a talented artist , handsome , brave , honest , strong , funny . . . you name it . he doesn't have any dark side , he doesn't make any mistakes , that for a second would make him human . jack is perfect , but he is - poor . on the other hand we have cal . he is a bastard that treats rose as an odalisque and not as his wife-to-be . he lacks everything jack possesses , but he is -- rich . this childish contrast between the social classes is one of those things that makes titanic nothing more than a mediocre picture . cameron knows precisely what we want to see . his film therefore contains certain minimums to draw an audience - attractive actors , a " tragic love story " , beautiful visuals ( including expensive special effects ) , a dose of social criticism , a fascinating historical event ( we love true stories ) and last , but not least - an incredible media support , which proclaimed an average picture the " greatest film of all time " . on the outside titanic looks perfect , but behind that sparkling curtain of incredible visuals - is emptiness - nothing to think about . the main weakness of this film , which ironically became its success , is simplicity . cameron enables our basic and if you wish - primitive emotions : love , hate , fear and helplessness . everyone understands the power of love and the threat to our beautiful couple is likewise imaginable - a sinking ship . titanic is a typical hollywood production , totally and completely dependent on visual perfection to hide its primitive plot . it's a good picture , but absolutely not a masterpiece . it's among hundreds and thousands good films released every year , not better or worse than the average american film . cinema has been around for about a hundred years now . ? it's not my job to recap this century every time i talk about a new film , but i'd like to think that i'm beginning to understand the art more as i watch more films from before my time . recently , i've seen the films of hitchcock , capra , fellini , godard , kurosawa , chaplin , lang , and many others . ? those men were talented artists , and their films reflect their genius . ? they are likely to be remembered for . . . well , quite a while . ? i like this film , too . ? yes , it's a disaster-slash-action movie . ? true , its budget is a lot more money than i'll ever see in my lifetime . ? and there's not a doubt in my mind that the only reason it was conceived was to make a lot of money . ? in fact , i bet the producers of armageddon would have worked towards a lousy film , had they thought it would've been more profitable . i certainly don't care what their intentions were , because michael bay ( the rock ) is such a skilled director that i doubt he'd ever make a film that is difficult to sit through . of course , skillful direction doesn't complete the package , but the rest of armageddon manages to keep everything together . the story is well-thought out ( and perfectly paced to provide for an abundance of action sequences that never feel out of place ) , the acting is terrific , the script is sharp , and -- get this -- there are characters . yes , you read that right . armageddon actually has characters you can care about ! if you don't like this film , then you have a problem with the genre itself : armageddon is as good as a film like this can be . if you've seen deep impact , then you know the basic framework for the story . it turns out that an asteroid the size of texas is going to strike the earth eighteen days from the start of the film . so , it's up to the u . s . government to stop it . ( why the u . s . is always exclusively saddled with these problems is never fully investigated . ) their plan -- to send a group of experienced oil drillers up to the asteroid , drill down several hundred feet , and detonate a nuclear warhead within . the head driller is harry stamper ( bruce willis ) . his group of men is a colorful bunch , including a . j . ( ben affleck ) , chick ( will patton ) , and rockhound ( steve buscemi ) . there's also an interesting triangle formed between a . j . , harry , and grace ( liv tyler ) , who is harry's daughter . a . j . and grace are , of course , romantically intertwined , and dad isn't too happy with the situation . it's absurd to wish for a complicated story in an event movie or a special effects movie or whatever it is you'd like to call armageddon . it's not about story -- it's about viscera and action , and thrills-a-minute , and all that stuff . it's incidental , really , that the story is cohesive and even remotely believable , because most people will be too wrapped up in the explosions to give two seconds' thought to what actually happens . but bay is the one to congratulate in this case , for he has made a film so entertaining and so visually sharp that i doubt any director could have done it better . i think most of the budget went to cameras alone , because bay films every action sequence from about thirty or forty different angles . take the spectacular opening scene , for instance , in which a meteor shower obliterates new york . a meteor flies out of the sky and crashes into a building , which sends fireballs erupting into the air and cars spinning like tops upon other cars . the action itself might take five seconds in real life , but bay edits so quickly that we get the same scene in six different ways . i like his quick-edit style , because it's abrasive and exhausting to watch . it's also very loud , and obnoxiously noisy at times . but it's fun to be obnoxious sometimes . the special effects in this film put every other 1998 blockbuster to shame . deep impact , visually , has absolutely nothing on armageddon , and to offer a comparison between the quality of this film and godzilla is simply laughable . special effects are very important in a film like this : if they're not good , then the image is not convincing , and the film doesn't work . everything here looks bright and explosive -- from the little meteors bursting through skyscrapers , all the way to the shots of the earth through the jutting rocks on the ominously approaching asteroid . the effects that don't look totally real are still a pleasure to behold , and i credit everyone involved for creating the first blockbuster so nice-looking that it actually qualifies as art . of course , all of this would add up to little more than an above-average light show , if i didn't get the feeling that bay cares as much about his characters as he does about his action . the film is two and a half hours long , and not all of that is spent submerged in numbing action . much of the film is dedicated to developing the various characters' subplots . i won't suggest that these are complex characters , but their problems are real , and the emotions aren't put forth in a sentimental and overbearing way . in fact , there are three or four scenes here that had me pretty choked up , and that's a lot more than i can say about deep impact , which was banking on the feel-good parts of its story . bruce willis is terrific , and i'm glad to see him bigger than life again ( recent turns in films like mercury rising have been very disappointing ) . tyler and affleck are great together , and make a convincing couple -- all of the scenes between them work on a comfortable level . patton , who is a magnificent actor , thankfully is not wasted here , and the minor subplot revolving around his ex-wife and son is very moving . the comic relief from buscemi and peter stormare ( who plays a crazy russian astronaut ) is nifty , and keeps the film lively and funny . i wasn't challenged to think real hard while watching armageddon , and i don't mind too much . but the film doesn't insult my intelligence -- it's pitched perfectly to entertain , which is what all it really wants to do . it's not mindless and escapist , but well-crafted cinema . it might have been created for the wrong reasons , but men like michael bay have my respect for showing me that they are interested in making something good , in spite of the producers and the budget . i'm not saying that films like this are risky moves . what i am saying is that armageddon is a big , loud , expensive motion picture that reminds me that art often comes in the strangest of forms . it's no secret in the motion picture industry that the relationship between a script and the actors involved often makes or breaks a movie at the box office . a poorly-written script can be bested by a superb acting corps , and a well-written piece can be mangled by a group of amateurs . in directing his latest action-comedy , director brett ratner ( money talks ) takes a relatively mediocre piece of standup comedy and turns it into a funny as all get-out buddy cop movie . in addition , rush hour serves as a first-class example of directing a movie with conservative attitude - a feature that is sure to draw in crowds of all types . the two lead names share equal screen time here , mostly because they spend it together . jackie chan , in his first completely american production , makes an impressive debut by mixing dialogue with martial arts . the other martial arts flick from a few weeks ago , knock off , stands no chance against the content of this one . chan manages to make every fight scene exude grace and poise , and there's no doubt that a large percentage of video sales for this movie will come from viewers who couldn't believe their eyes the first time . chris tucker , on the opposite side , relates a hilarious comedic approach which smoothes out the rough edges to chan's performance . he works perfectly with the script , and it's quite likely he lent scribe jim kouf a hand with some of his lines . almost essential to the action genre , the plot is nonexistent . we're quickly introduced to detective james carter ( tucker ) is a maverick officer for the lapd . cut forward to another scene where the daughter ( julia hsu ) of the american chinese consul ( tzi ma ) is kidnapped by a gang of swarthy characters . the fbi is quick to the rescue , but the consul insists that one of his men , detective inspector lee ( chan ) , be brought on the case to help . the fbi resists , but then requests that lapd send a man over to babysit the chinese detective . it's here that carter and lee hook up , and the two unwittingly solve the case while the fbi rushes in to back them up . rattner does a fine job of going the extra mile to get his movie to move a step up , but it doesn't quite reach the top tier of action-comedies like last year's grosse pointe blank . there are moments where the plot strays too far off the straight line it sticks almost exclusively to , and if not for the comedic interactions between tucker and chan , this might be a major drawback . also , some supporting characters are almost entirely along for the ride , and others are there simply to look menacing . however , none gives a standoffish performance and they mostly mesh into the background . almost every member of the cast displays some reservation at one point or another - whether it's tucker's toned-down routine or chan's tight rein on his action sequences - and that contributes greatly to this being a watchable movie for all types . a recommendable visit to the theater , indeed . when andy leaves for cowboy camp , his mother holds a yard sale and scrounges in his room for old toys . one of these toys is wheezy , a penguin with a broken squeaker . woody ( tom hanks ) saddles up andy's dog and rides out into the yard to rescue wheezy . woody succeeds in his mission , but doesn't make it back to the house before al , the unscrupulous owner of al's toy barn , recognizes woody as a rare collector's item and steals him . buzz lightyear ( tim allen ) leads hamm ( john ratzenberger ) , mr . potato head ( don rickles ) , slinky dog ( jim varney ) , and rex ( wallace shawn ) into the city to find their friend . meanwhile woody discovers the reason he was kidnapped . al has collected every piece of merchandising from the 1950's tv puppet show " woody's round-up " except for a woody doll . now that the collection is complete , al plans to sell woody and his round-up gang-bullseye the horse , jessie the cowgirl ( joan cusack ) , and stinky pete the old prospector ( kelsey grammer ) -to a toy museum in japan . the gang is happy about the move ; they've been in storage for years waiting for woody . if woody doesn't go with them , they'll be closed up in a dark box again , possibly forever . trying to convince him to stay with them , jessie tells woody how she was abandoned when her owner grew up , and woody realizes that his days as a beloved toy are numbered . while woody ponders whether to go to japan or to go home to andy , buzz and the boys invade al's toy barn , where the buzz we know is replaced by another buzz who doesn't know he's a toy . the new buzz generates the movie's biggest laughs as he leads the other toys in an assault on " zurg's fortress " ( i . e . , al's apartment building ) . the original " toy story " won me over because its central themes reflected a grown-up sensibility rather than the usual this-is-what-we-think-kids-want-to-hear . while most kids' movies take the position that every person is special and has an extraordinary destiny to fulfill , in " toy story " buzz discovered that he wasn't special , that he was just like everyone else . buzz sank into a suicidal depression , but woody showed buzz that being a toy was worthwhile because a toy is loved and a toy makes a child happy . in other words , it's okay to be ordinary if you have love and a purpose in your life . most of us probably come to the same conclusion when we realize that we're not space rangers and we're never going to be . " toy story 2 " addresses the question raised by the conclusion drawn by the first movie . woody is forced to recognize that andy will grow up and forget him and that he will likely be discarded , abandoned , or sealed up in a dark box in the attic . this is another big grown-up theme : everything ends . the theme is introduced early in the movie when woody's arm is torn and andy places him on a shelf rather than taking him to cowboy camp . on the shelf , woody meets wheezy , who's dusty , broken , and forgotten . the other toys are shocked that woody has been " shelved , " and they worry that woody's ride out to the 25-cent box at the yard sale is a suicide attempt . after he's stolen , woody has to decide between a long life in a display case and an uncertain future with andy and his pals . of course , in spite of the heavy themes " toy story 2 " explores , it's also very funny . most of the laughs come from the toys' assault on al's toy barn and on the apartment building . the brief substitution of a new , still delusional buzz was a welcome surprise ; i'd wondered how a sequel could be as funny as the original without the pompous attitude buzz displayed in the original . most of the vocal performances are first-rate . tom hanks stands out for the level of enthusiasm he puts into his work . however , one voice-over also stands out as horribly miscast . kelsey grammer sounds nothing like an old prospector . although he does a lot of voice-over work in commercials and on " the simpsons " ( as sideshow bob ) , grammer only makes slight variations on his own voice . he doesn't have the range to pull off a role like stinky pete . the animation is even better than in the first . especially impressive were the textures of the figures . we can now see the difference between flesh and plastic ; in the first movie the people looked just like the toys , but now human skin looks soft and has a slight bluish tint . we can also see that bo peep is porcelain . as you can tell from the long-winded phrasing common in the merchandising -- " disney and pixar's 'toy story 2' " -- this is pixar's coming out party . to celebrate they appended their first project , a hilarious short about two desklamps and a rubber ball , to the beginning of the movie . they made the short in 1986 , which is incredible when one considers the relatively primitive level of computer technology available then . on the downside , " toy story 2 " follows the formula of the original so closely that the sequel comes off a bit stale , and some sections tend to drag . overall , though , i had a great time and found " story 2 " to be a worthy successor to the first " toy story . " bottom line : this one really is fun for the whole family ! david lynch's " blue velvet " begins and ends with colorful , bright shots of flowers and happy americans mowing their lawns in a seemingly perfect american town . however , what lies inside this nominally safe atmosphere is a " strange world " of drug dealers , sadists , and murderers . the opening and closing shots are a wonderful contrast to the rest of the gloomy , disturbing film . they show not to make assumptions from first glance and that oddness is common in all places under all circumstances . odd would be a perfect adjective to describe this film , its characters , its direction , and its story . thankfully , the obscurity that " blue velvet " relies on is enough to make this film enjoyable . since its elements are so originally weird , you never know what will happen next . this is the main goal of a movie ; to be spontaneous and surprising . " blue velvet " miracuously succeeds at this even though it contains mediocre acting . lynch creates such a hypnotic world that it is hard to resist his style of story telling . the film starts off with the discovery of a severed ear by a college boy ( kyle maclachlan ) . from this point maclachlan finds himself involved with a lounge singer ( isabella rossellinia ) who has lost her son and husband to a kidnapping . the plot is much more detailed than the aforementioned and this is what makes david lynch's story telling so amazing . maclachlan becomes involved in a forbidden relationship , in another relationship that could have been taken straight out of a high school flick , and he is put into the shoes of a drug dealer who has some wild adventures with some wild friends . through these multiple stories , maclachlan lives multiple lives and as we follow maclachlan , we are introduced to a variety of interesting subplots . lynch masterfully builds these subplots but he does not piece them all together in the very end and make a convenient crowd pleasing conclusion . instead he leaves some ambiguity and forces those curious enough to get the real meaning to watch the film several several times . lynch has been known to do this with a number of his films meaning he may be too esoteric for some hoping to get a hollywood ending where the good guy gets the girl and everything turns out fine . however , for fans of odd difficult indies , " blue velvet " could be just what they are looking for . it is very hard to discuss " blue velvet " without discussing the performance of dennis hopper's sadistic frank . most of the other actors in the film were not very memorable . kyle maclachlan lacked one important aspect for his role , a personality . laura dern was consistently annoying . but dennis hopper stole every scene he was in . his evil character was just plain old frightening in his mannerisms from his obsession to velvet to his incessant breathing from a gas mask . frank is a character that comes along once in a blue moon . many producers know this and have inevitably begun to typecast hopper as the bad guy . just like his villain in " speed " , hopper is over the edge with cursing and screaming every chance he has to speak . this harshness is exactly what frank is , so weird and twisted that it is hard not to look at him , even if he theatens you to look away . " blue velvet " has characters and stories you will never see in a movie again . for this sole reason it is recommended . but also see it to admire lynch's obsession to avoid the norm . even if this film is a little too weird for you , it's hard not to congratulate a guy for trying something new and sticking to it . if chris farley had strapped some fake mutton-chop sideburns to each side of his head , spoken with a thick irish accent , and tried his damnedest to play it straight , he wouldn't have been nearly as funny as brendan gleeson in " i went down . " gleeson , who's not dissimilar to the late " saturday night live " alumnus in terms of physical attributes , plays a character named bunny kelly in this delightful irish film . bunny is sent to county cork to " retrieve " one frank grogan for an irish gangster called tom french ( well dressed like all good gangsters should be and menacingly portrayed by tony doyle ) . bunny is to accompany git hynes ( peter mcdonald ) , recently released from prison and obligated to tom for disfiguring one of his cronies . that tom french is a mean bollocks . he wants frank back . and a small matter of some ? 25 , 000 that tom's wife was supposed to have given to frank . for this he won't break anyone's thumbs . maybe . inventively and engagingly written by conor mcpherson and directed by paddy breathnach , " i went down " follows the trials and tribulations of git and bunny as they knock around peat bogs , dimly-lit pubs , and seedy hostelries trying to stay alive and out of trouble . mcdonald is a newcomer and a promising one at that , but gleeson has been in over a dozen movies , most recently as father bubbles in another film with a very irish accent on hilarity , " the butcher boy . " even if you can't comprehend half of what they're saying , gleeson and mcdonald together make " i went down " a trip worth taking . the film is in many ways reminiscent of another " little " independent feature , 1991's " highway 61 . " that film , too , was a road movie and it shares the same kind of wry dialogue and humorous situations as mcpherson's tale : whimsical observations on life , carefully-crafted vignettes , deadpan conversational asides , and scenes that'll make you laugh out loud . witness the episode in which our good-natured protagonists bind frank ( played by peter caffrey ) to a hotel bed , leaving him with only the tv remote for company . that sequence alone is on a par with satan locking himself out of his car in " highway 61 . " what's also charming about " i went down " is how the relationship between buddy and git develops . their trip becomes an education for both of them , but the way it's handled is neither sappy nor labored . the only thing in the film which approaches clunkiness is the culminating explanation , via flashbacks , of the relationship between frank and tom . it's a little too hollywood , and what makes " i went down " so refreshing is the fact that it rarely panders to traditional conventions of hollywood gangster movies . sure it's gritty--make that grubby--but it's also pretty goofy . although " i went down " emphasizes the comedic elements of dis-organized crime , there are a couple of fairly brutal scenes in keeping with the subject matter . don't let these deter you , though ; " i went down " is a little gem . it's only playing at one philadelphia-area theater--and i suspect it won't be there for long--so catch it while you can . " you leave little notes on my pillow . i told you a million times i can't stand little notes on my pillow . 'we are all out of corn flakes - f . u . ' it took me three hours to figure out that 'f . u . ' was felix unger . " --- a frustrated oscar madison ( walter matthau ) running down a list of his complaints against his roommate felix unger ( jack lemmon ) , in the odd couple . the classic neil simon comedy ( based on his own stage play ) about suicidal felix ( lemmon ) , who is persuaded by his poker friend oscar ( matthau ) to stay with him in his apartment after felix's wife throws him out and files for divorce . the hook : oscar is messy and likes his apartment that way , while felix is an obsessive/compulsive neat freak . the two men , despite their friendship , instantly clash . movies just aren't as delightfully funny as this one is . every line of neil simon's dialogue flows like comedic poetry , and all the actors are just perfect in their performances . lemmon is at his best as the anxiety ridden felix , but it's matthau who shines brightest as oscar , whose world is being invaded and rearranged , mostly against his wishes ( the type of character i always enjoy identifying with ) . and who can forget that catchy score by neal hefti ? the best thing about the film ( and this is a testament to the quality of the writing ) is that it's a comedy with substance . these two men , even while at each other's throats , genuinely care for one another as friends . when they clash , it isn't cartoonish hatred being displayed , but genuine frustration with the fact that they are such good friends but just cannot manage to co-exist . movies nowadays , take grumpy old men for example , just don't have that extra spark there . these days it's just animosity for the sake of comedy . a television series followed ( starring jack klugman and tony randall ) , which i'll admit i've never seen an episode of in its entirety , and neil simon even scripted the sequel , the odd couple ii , which was released in 1998 . neither of them compare to this comic masterpiece though . it's one of the best comedies of all time and easily earns its spot in my top ten favorite films . ingredients : lost parrot trying to get home , friends synopsis : a russian janitor named misha ( tony shalhoub ) discovers a little old parrot languishing in the basement of a science research facility . " paulie the talking parrot " ( the voice of jay mohr ) soon regales misha with his life story . as a young bird paulie is raised by marie ( hallie kate eisenberg ) , a little girl with a speech impediment . by attending marie's speech lessons , paulie learns to act/speak like a regular person . unfortunately , after being unfairly blamed for an accident , paulie is taken to a pawn shop and sold . paulie's biggest wish is to return to marie . many years later , and after a succession of memorable owners ( gena rowlands , cheech marin , and jay mohr ) , paulie falls in with a bad crowd and is apprehended in los angeles trying to steal jewelry . he is sent to a cruel research facility , where he refuses to participate and is imprisoned the basement . will misha help paulie get back to marie ? opinion : every time people watch movies that portray animals as beings with cute human personalities , some well-meaning audience members go out next christmas or birthday and buy a dalmatian or whatever creature is currently popular . soon enough , " birthday kid " loses interest and the purchased pup ends up at the local pound , a victim of neglect . my sister owns a real paulie : it thinks like a parrot , bites like a parrot , and requires as much attention as a newborn human infant . please think twice before buying one . okay . back to the story . in movies , parrots usually play support characters , but paulie might be the first movie where the ( animatronic ) bird gets main billing . paulie , like those side characters in disney cartoons , is cute and sassy , a strutting , miniature human . actually , paulie is the voice of jay mohr ( he played jennifer aniston's boyfriend on picture perfect ) doing his best buddy hackett impression ( which is interesting , since hackett himself cameos as the pawn shop owner , and mohr doubles as a customer ) . paulie is for kids . while watching paulie you hear little tykes in the theater laughing hysterically when paulie calls the cat a " stupid furball . " sometimes , however , there are statements the kids don't get . for example , when paulie's elderly owner ivy ( gena rowlands ) dies , paulie explains , " well , one day , the cat got her . " and you hear kids exclaim , " what cat ? ! " imagine lassie come home , except with a doll-sized human dressed as a bird , and you'll have a good idea of the plot and characterization . bird tries to get home . bird meets elderly friend . bird loses elderly friend . bird meets eccentric friend . bird loses eccentric friend . bird meets bad influence . and so on and so forth , with paulie meeting friends and saying goodbye at a meandering pace until he finally makes it back to marie ( trini alvarado ) . the bottom line ? break out the popcorn money , moms and dads . paulie may be the low end version of lassie , bambi , or babe , but he'll do . sometimes the wisecracks go over their heads , but i'm sure youngsters can appreciate a story about a little person ( paulie ) trying to get home , meeting friends and experiencing moral lessons on the way . and good luck explaining what it means when paulie says of ivy , " well , one day , the cat got her . " tempe mills cinema , az--this movie had us in non-stop stitches from beginning to end . all those promotional clips that have been on tv for the past month came from the first five minutes of the movie . if you thought they were funny , see the rest of the movie . it's hilarious . how does one go about making a movie about a couple guys whose only claim to fame is synchronized head-bopping on snl to exactly one song ? easy . write an interesting script around tried-and-true ideas , add some good lines and satire , and voil ? , you end up with an excellent , well-done , very entertaining flick . will and chris are idiot brothers forced by their father to work begrudgingly in the family flower business during the day . at night they pursue their life-long ambition to loose their virginity in failed attempts to get into the roxbury in beverly hills , ca , the only disco act worth going to . the only problem , the place is so popular and the waiting line so long that by the time the brothers make it to the front door , the roxbury closes , all the while bearing witness to guys with one-hundred-dollar bills and movie stars like richard grieco who get past the doorman without fuss . the script authors ( steve koren , will ferrell and chris kattan ) cleverly devised a way for our boys to get into the roxbury . their flower-shop van is rear-ended by richard grieco , who fears a law-suit and is surprised to see the idiots are too star-struck to think about the car accident they just had , but not about getting into the roxbury . grieco happily takes them in , even introduces them to the owner , which has the added benefit of enhancing the financial appearance of the idiot brothers in the eyes of a couple of gold diggers ( elisa donovan and gigi rice ) who bet their time and bodies on will and chris . what follows are some of the best slap-stick dancing routines ever . the music is superb , and could have only been made better had the producers added patrick hernandez's born to be alive . the choreography at times was a parody of an era gone by , for example , the bee gees and their stayin' alive . it is nostalgic for those of us who remember that far back , and the technique is a clever adaptation that worked well in forest gump . one of the funniest scenes is when the gold diggers discover that will and chris don't have any mone y , and dump both on the spot , even expressing violence and anger that they gave sex away . an art-imitates-life poke at shallow women . it's a scene that's an approximate parody of the vinegar's own rolf luedeke's editorial this week national organization for men ( nom ) replaces now . ted " unabomber " kaczynski , himself rejected for not having money , will identify well with this scene , if he ever watches the movie . of course , the script wouldn't be complicated enough without adding molly shannon , the girl next door who has had a crush on will since they were kids , and who will has had an aversion to in quest of good-looking disco blondes ( proof that men will turn down perfectly good women when there are bay watch babes always lurking nearby ) . nevertheless , will's father wants him to marry molly anyway , but thinks idiot chris is standing in the way and sends him into guest-quarter exile . during the wedding ceremony , will's heart isn't exactly into getting married , and when his brother appears on the balcony with a ghetto blaster and more head-bopping music , will thinks worse of the knot-tieing idea and runs to chris . definitely an snl parody of the graduate where katharine ross changed her mind for the screaming dustin hoffman in the church balcony . i found this scene a riot , however , it went over brandi's head -- she was born seven years after the graduate first appeared . the scene has a good punch line when molly shannon marries , instead , the step-in buddy/weight-lifter ( who looks like he could pass for the son of gary busy ) and who has been lusting for a good-looker for a long time , but ready now to take anyone . more art-imitates-life stuff -- not even muscles can substitute for money in the real world . the idiots' mother is played by loni anderson , whose barbie-doll looks don't play well anymore ( she's a bit old ) , and whose cleavage looks like someone botched a tracheotomy too low down . i recommend this movie for anyone who wants to have a lot of fun or in need of a lot of laughs . go with a date . brandi laughed non-stop , as i did , and a deaf-mute might have concluded i was tickling her continuously for 105 minutes . there is nothing like american history x in theaters or on video . no other feature film takes such a cold hard look at the lure , the culture , and the brotherhood of white supremacy . nice guy ed norton jr . ( who sang in everyone says i love you ) plays derek , a twenty-year old skinhead . dad's subtle racism grew large in derek , after gang members killed his father . dad was fighting a fire when they shot him . now derek keeps his head shaved and has a giant swastika tattooed over his heart . derek is more interested in the ideas of white supremacy than in its culture of violence . at a basketball court , black and white tempers flare . derek channels the aggression into a game , black versus white , for ownership of the courts . when the choice presents itself , derek goes for game point instead of the sucker-punch . cameron ( stacy keach ) steps in to derek's life as a surrogate father . he takes derek under his wing and nurtures his racist feelings . keeping his own criminal record spotless , he uses derek as a leader and organizer for high-visibility racial intimidation . derek obliges by leading his younger and dumber friends in race-motivated mob crimes . at the bottom of the chain , derek's younger brother danny ( edward furlong , made famous in terminator 2 ) joins the skinheads not for ideological or intellectual reasons , but because he admires his brother and he wants to belong . one night three black youths break into derek's truck , which is exactly what derek has been waiting for . outside in his shorts and his tattoo , he shoots them all . the third would-be thief , unarmed , is only wounded . in the key scene of the film , derek commands the kid into a position where he can be killed with one glorious , enraptured , awful stomp . ( the fun-spoiling nc-17 of orgazmo seems even more inappropriate , considering american history x was rated r . what sort of country is this that says sex comedies are a bigger threat to our youth than brutal , ecstatic violence ? ) the police arrive just as derek kills the last thief . derek does not resist the cops , and as they spin him around to cuff him , the film slows down . derek raises his eyebrows and smiles at his little brother in a chilling , sadistic , satisfied grin . now in prison , derek faces new challenges . as the black man in the laundry tells him , " in the joint , you the nigra , not me . " there is a clique of swastika-wearing skinheads , but they are not interested in the ideology of white supremacy . they only use the symbols as a means of intimidation . derek finds himself truly alone , truly in danger , and truly afraid . when derek finally gets out of prison , he finds that his friends from the gang have also changed . without derek's leadership , they have shunned the white supremacist ideology for the white supremacist culture . it is the final factor that makes him realize how badly he's screwed up . in the end , he spends quality time with is brother trying to undo the respect and admiration he had earlier inspired in danny . the film ends a little too deliberately , too neatly after the unchained emotion and violent glee of the rest of the film , but it barely detracts from the overall experience . edward norton gives an oscar-worthy performance . although some of his dialogue seemed to be written without enough conviction , norton's performance compensated . ( an example that comes to mind is his pep talk before looting the store . ) he also captured the essence of an older brother . he took his responsibility as a role model to his younger brother very seriously , very lovingly , both before and after his change of heart . though clearly not for all tastes , this film is bold and daring . the subject matter is ugly , cruel , and at times hard to look at . nevertheless its subjects are part of humanity's great face . kaye gives us a good look at this fascinating , if distasteful , american subculture . john von neumann , progenitor of the computer age and critically important mathematician on the manhattan project , pointed out long ago that there is a great way to explore the cosmos , even without recourse to faster-than light travel . you send out self-replicating robot ships which explore and radio back information . it may take decades , centuries , or millennia , but it can be done with achievable technology , and doesn't require a magical faster-than-light drive . in the fifties , british astronomer fred hoyle improved on this plan by suggesting that it would be better to radio plans for a complex computer and a program for it ; any civilization capable of receiving the transmission could build the computer , which would then engage in a real-time dialog with the aliens , exchanging information and technologies , and hopefully arranging to send back what it had learned . about thirty-five years ago , the bbc contracted with astronomer/writer fred hoyle and writer frank elliot to create the scripts for a mini-series called a for andromeda . afa concerned the reception of a hoyle transmission , the construction of a huge computer , the computer's analysis of life on earth , and its creation of an apparently human intermediary to facilitate communication . she was played with ethereally inhuman perfection by the then-unknown julie christie . audience response was so strong that the bbc contracted for a sequel , andromeda breakthrough , which played to equally high ratings . dennis feldman , whose previous credits include the golden child , has never been noted for coherent , well-structured movie scripts ; they start out great , and then disintegrate into a morass of chase and action , mitigated only by the presence of the obligatory beautiful girl . feldman writes good scenes , but has no idea how to tell a story or write a movie , even with a previous version to use as a model . now , in species , we have a mundane retread of the andromeda plotline , derailed by a preoccupation with removing the clothes from the leading lady and further ruined by a mediocre attempt to emulate several recent horror films in terms of splatter , gore , and chases . species features ben kingsley , who is completely wasted in a badly-written portrayal of a feebly amoral scientist . forest whitaker and alfred molina are also served poorly by the script . the species story is relatively simple ; we have been radioing information about ourselves and our dna out into space since 1971 , and have been receiving answers for two years . ( note that , in the 1970's , we really didn't know diddly about the human genome structure , and were hardly in a position to radio out a set of blueprints for human beings . even today , all we can do is give information about dna and how it works , not a copy of human dna , because we don't have it analyzed yet . ) the answers we get from the unknown alien source are plans for recreating a member of the alien race , and doctor xavier finch , played by ben kingsley , is placed in charge of the attempt . the script begins to go off the deep end at this point , when the result is a beautiful young girl who can shape-shift into any of several ugly alien life forms . the first half of the film has something to offer , as " sil , " the alien girl , struggles with her multi-form existence , changing from beauty to lizard to giant cockroach and back again , all while trying to understand her own place in the cosmos . she seems oddly knowledgeable about human society , with glaring gaps where her social skills should be . her instincts are to mate and procreate , and some of the best scenes deal with her attempts in this area . escaping from her birth laboratory in utah , sil is pursued by a team of drafted civilians with orders to find her and kill her . she goes on an eating binge , spins herself a cocoon , and emerges as an adult , played by natasha henstridge , who goes a long way toward re-creating the sheerly inhuman beauty julie christie achieved in 1960 . the pursuers : michael madsen is an assassin/exterminator ; forrest whitaker is a convenient empath/psychic , just as though the u . s . government actually had such people on call . neither is able to do much with the writing and directing provided . whitaker's role seems to be aimed at making whitaker a male copy of star trek : the next generation's " counselor cleavage . " the other members of the strike team are played by marg helgenberger and alfred molina . kingsley and whitaker are both consummate professionals , too good to not work to the best of their abilities ; but the performances donaldson elicited from the rest of the cast are disappointing and bland , and it is apparent that the direction was a bit weak . h . r . giger's design for the main form of the alien creature is actually a bit boring when we finally get to see it , although previous digital effects were done quite smoothly . the main fault of species is lack of originality ; it starts out with a wonderful , albeit borrowed , premise , and then doesn't live up to it . all we get are chase scenes and a few nice sex scenes , with a few monsters tossed in . there is no buildup of tension and suspense , no climax worthy of the name ; species is just a sequence of " scare " scenes stuck together . the movie is carried by its chase and sex scenes , but not rescued by them . on the other hand , as an exercise in sci-fi action/ adventure , it certainly beats the ichor out of judge dredd . species earns an extra rating point or two for having ben kingsley and natasha henstridge on board , but by and large , it's fun only for those of us who really like this sort of thing . my personal rating is three stars , but knock one or two of those off if you don't enjoy pretty unclothed ladies and bloodthirsty alien monsters . mpaa classification : r ( violence , gore , nudity , sex , language ) stars : ben kingsley , michael madsen , forest whitaker , alfred molina , marg helgenberger , natasha henstridge directed by : roger donaldson produced by : frank mancuso jr . and dennis feldman typed by : dennis feldman cinematography : andrzej bartkowiak music : christopher young run time : 108 minutes aspect ratio : 2 . 35 : 1 from mgm , opens 7 july 1995 as the small boats rock slowly toward the shore at omaha beach normandy on d-day , the weary , seasick soldiers take a deep breath and open the large protective shield at the back of the boat . they are unaware of exactly what is going to happen . one man kisses the crucifix that hangs around his neck . as the flap falls , the battle begins . they are trapped like rats in a cage and proceed to be blown to pieces in the wake of enemy gunfire . amid the chaos of this massacre , stands a shot that , at least for me , hangs in the air like the girl in the little red coat in schindler's list . a soldier , clearly missing an arm , wanders around the body-strewn beach like a lost puppy . we are not invited to know what he is searching for until he finds it himself . he bends over , picks up his arm and starts to carry it , probably not bothering to ask himself ; " what now ? " saving private ryan is a masterfully composed film . the direction is out of this world , surely the type of command that can win spielberg another directing oscar . the cinematography , by janusz kaminsky , is also astounding . but be forewarned , this is the most violent and graphic film i have ever seen . the articles you read and the warnings you see are justified ; saving private ryan is visually as disturbing as a film can get . the question is , " does the story and its realism justify the excessive use ? " the answer from my point of view is " no " . braveheart was a truly gritty , and , one would imagine , realistic battle film . ryan is ten times worse . expect disembowelments , sucked in skulls , heads blown to bits , arms and legs flying across the battlefield . many in the theater could not bear to watch . and it is a shame , too , because this is otherwise by far one of the standouts this year . but such graphic displays may turn away even the most loyal spielberg supporters ( and academy members ) . saving private ryan takes us from the attack at omaha beach on d-day , 1944 , through into the film's primary mission . captain miller ( hanks ) assembles an 8 man crew and sets off to find a missing solider , private ryan , whose three brothers have already been killed on the battlefield . the government goes to great lengths to make sure that mrs . ryan doesn't recieve a fourth letter of condolences about her sons , that no person should suffer such injustice . miller's crew is not in favor of the mission and they begin to harbor a secret hatred for ryan , though they don't yet know him . they resent having to trudge out to bring home one soldier who doesn't have any more or less right to live than any of them . this film manages to keep up a rapid pace and , though there is a lot of set up between battles , the story continues full speed to the end . the pacing and dramatism of the extremely well choreographed battle scenes is really in a league of it's own . spielberg , though not a student of the " quick cut " school of filmmaking , takes a stab at it here , and does it better than michael bay or any of his mtv counterparts could ever hope to do it . bay should pay close attention , take copious notes . if you want to jump cut every two seconds , do it the way spielberg does it in ryan . in the end , the extremity of the gory violence is not justified by the " importance " of the film . schindler's list taught many people the truth about the holocaust . it opened eyes , sparked debate and study . though the battle scenes in ryan have never been portrayed as realistically before , they don't amount to anything as serious or thought provoking as the schindler's list . overall , this is just the truest depiction of the old adage , " war is hell . " but braveheart-dosage would have fit this movie much more appropriately , and would have made the difference between me getting up the nerve to see it again some day and realizing that this is something i doubt i could endure again . masterful work marred only by excessive gore . " the faculty , " the heavily-hyped and advertised sci-fi/horror film that has teamed up director robert rodriguez ( 1995's " desperado " and 1996's " from dusk till dawn " ) and screenwriter kevin williamson ( 1996's " scream " and 1997's " scream 2 " ) , is being called a cross between " invasion of the body snatchers " and " the breakfast club , " and i don't think i could describe it any better than that . the film sets up the six central teenage characters who do not seem to have much in common , and then the science-fiction aspect is added , involving the fear that the faculty at herrington high school are actually aliens who are quickly transforming everyone in the town . the six characters , as in " the breakfast club , " can be easily labeled as a stereotype , but as they are developed , they become far more complex : casey ( elijah wood ) , the much picked upon nerd ; stokely ( clea duvall ) , a goth outcast who hides behind the false facade of being a lesbian so everyone will avoid her ; zeke ( josh hartnett ) , a drug dealer who turns out to be a science whiz ; stan ( shawn hatosy ) , the star football quarterback who is considering quitting the team to concentrate more on academics ; delilah ( jordanna brewster ) , the popular cheerleader and newspaper journalist ; and marybeth ( laura harris ) , the sweet 'n southern new girl in town . although the characters are only slightly connected ( i . e . casey is delilah's photojournalist assistant ; marybeth tries to become buddies with stokely , since they both don't have friends , etc . ) , when they all begin to suspect the teachers due to some grotesque and strange occurrences , the only people they can count on for help is each other , even though they aren't really even sure if they can trust one another . " the faculty " is another smart and pop-culturally hip film from williamson , although it does not equal up to his best film , the original " scream , " and rodriguez , whose " from dusk till dawn " is still one of the more original genre films of the 90's . williamson and rodriguez are so assured at their professions , respectively , that the idea of teaming up together is pretty much a no-brainer . the plotline of " the faculty , " involving aliens taking over other people's bodies , has been done quite a lot before , from " invasion of the body snatchers , " to " the puppet masters , " to " invaders from mars , " so one of the obstacles that williamson and rodriguez had to overcome was to somehow make the idea seem fresh , and by setting the goings-on at a high school and having the protagonists be a group of teens , they were mostly successful . surely , the conventions of the story are still the same , and the climax was inevitable , but there were a few surprises along the way , including the question of who were the aliens , and who weren't . the epilogue was also a refreshing change-of-pace as it did not set up a sequel but ended on a note that probably could not have been any better . the performances in " the faculty " were a treat throughout , since there were so many recognizable actors in roles that were the polar opposite of what they usually do . one exception were the teens , who , aside from elijah wood , are not very well-known , but they all aquit themselves nicely , particularly wood ( the seasoned pro ) , clea duvall , and jordanna brewster . as members of the faculty , robert patrick ( " t2 : judgement day " ) was creepy as the gym coach ; piper laurie was amusing and threatening as the drama teacher ; bebe neuwirth actually was somehow able to look like an alien ; and salma hayek , as the school nurse with a bad case of the cold , was very funny in a small role . the standout , in my opinion , of the whole cast was famke janssen who turns in an oddly touching performance as the shy and meek english teacher who , after turning into an alien , becomes the sex bombshell . if there was any problem i had with the faculty , it was that some of them were given no real payoff in the climactic sequence . since the teenagers realize that in order to save everyone they must kill the " queen " alien , many of the faculty members disappear . it might have been more fun if they had to face every one of the teachers , although the finale is still pretty impressive , and includes some showstopping creature effects , especially for a relatively low 15-million-dollar budget . although not one of the best horror or science-fiction films i have seen , " the faculty " is still an exciting and worthy film that dimension films was smart to release around the holiday season when this type of genre offering is usually not released . while the story is as old as the hills , it is also , in a way , timeless , because everyone , i think , has suspected at one time or another that a certain person simply did not act right , as if they really weren't human . and by putting this idea in the setting of a small-town high school , it perfectly contrasts with the alienation that most teenagers usually go through when relating to adults and other peers . + note : the ad and poster campaign for this film is hugely misleading , as it features r & b artist usher raymond as one of the main characters . in actuality , he only has a small role as one of stan's buddies who becomes quarterback after stan resigns from the team . if i were one of the heads from dimension , i would change this advertising at once , since it is unnecessary and rather deceiving . the central focus of michael winterbottom's " welcome to sarajevo " is sarajevo itself , the city under siege , and its different effect on the characters unfortunate enough to be stuck there . it proves the backdrop for a stunningly realized story which refreshingly strays from mythic portents ( " platoon " ) , racial tumultuosness ( the risible " the walking dead " ) or a tinge of schmaltziness ( " schindler's list " ) . the two leads , stephen dillane as a reporter and emira nusevic as an orphan with a plight few can identify with , are extremely believable ; not one moment with them involved rings false . the question is not what went right . the question is what went wrong . for one , the film fails to provide a political overview of the war as it progresses ( the dillane characters reports an american plane departing from sarajevo as it departs , and that's about it . ) . the assortment of high-profile supporting actors , ranging from woody harrelson as a yankee reporter " into " liquor and cigarrettes to marisa tomei as a huggable children's aid or somesuch are incapable of rising above the sketchiness of their characters , albeit they strive . the interrupted use of authentic war footage somewhat hampers the rest of the film , it makes the fictional characters seem powerless by comparison . still , winterbottom eschews mawkishness through flashy , frantic editing and imaginative use of music . and it's a plus , because he doesn't toy with our emotions with sentimental blandness . he wants us to know that in war , no one is victorious . the sweet hereafter starring ian holm , sarah polley , bruce greenwood , tom mccamus , gabrielle rose , arsinee khanjian , alberta watson , maury chaykin , caerthan banks . produced by atom egoyan and camelia frieberg . script by atom egoyan ( based on the novel by russell banks ) . directed by atom egoyan . running time : 110 mins . rated r . __________________________________________________________ atom egoyan's powerfully meditative " the sweet hereafter " is as anything as haunting and transcendental as i've seen this year . it not only explores the aftermaths of a terrible tragedy with magnificent subtlety , with cold , and stunning shots of the backdrop of this mistfortune but also by telegraphing the sense of devastation that has permeated the small town with an enormous amount of dignity and respect for each and every soul affected . ian holm as the somber , lonely lawyer seeking compensation for the townspeople , has a decency and a restraint uncommon with lawyers , he's a lion for the wrong reasons : the pain for having lost his daughter ( she's a druggie who frequently calls him begging for money ) is reflected on the town . and in some mesmerizing flashbacks , we witness how she lost her purity . it's one of the most strikingly breathtaking takes on the loss of innocence i've ever seen . but the most astounding part goes to sarah polly , the peaceful , benevolent girl who , in contrast to the other characters , remains the most mentally stable during past , present or future . her ability to convey concealed pain and unconditional love is the opposite , yet near-revolutionary role that won emily watson an oscar nomination for " breaking the waves " . both women are torn apart by an extraordinary incident but it is only then that we truly see , truly feel , their wordless , omnipotent love . " the sweet hereafter " though , is atom egoyan's movie and as of now , he is emerging as the definite face of independent cinema . after surging to worldwide recognition with 1994's " exotica " , " the sweet hereafter " makes him something few people in this industry can call themselves : an artist . he interweaves time with a delicacy and sees a soul with a purity that is just not common . after the average mouse hunt , the silly small soldiers and the entertaining antz , dreamworks try again with the children's film market with this stunning adaptation of the moses story . as the film warns us at the beginning , it's not the full story , and some liberties have been taken , but generally this the bible story we all know and love , featuring burning bushes , the plagues and the parting of the red sea . the only thing missing is charlton heston . instead , we get val kilmer voicing moses , an hebrew who is placed in a river by his mother and rescued by the queen of egypt ( helen mirren . ) we flash forward several years to see moses and brother rameses ( fiennes ) all grown up . moses soon finds out from brother and sister miriam and aaron ( sandra bullock and jeff goldblum ) that he isn't really the son of the pharaoh seti ( patrick stewart ) and that it his destiny to free the hebrews from the egyptians tyrannical rule . he soon sets about this , along with his wife tzipporah ( michelle pfeiffer . ) rameses and his two wizard friends ( voiced by steve martin and martin short ) try to stop moses completing his task . while the plot is familiar and somewhat exciting for adults , for children reared on aladdin and hercules , this film could be the most godawful thing they've ever seen . gone is the quick fire humour and standard , easy to follow plot . but , spectacularly , and to dreamworks credit , nearly every child in the audience was captivated by the story and events happening on screen . jeffrey katzenberg , who produced this film , certainly knows how to keep a child interested . he's included some songs in the film , plus some comedy , and a exciting chariot chase , to keep the children interested . and somehow , himself and the directors still manage to get all the drama and intensity of the story across , without ever being boring . it's a remarkable achievement . also remarkable is the animation , which puts hercules , an almost 'slap dash' effort , to shame . relying on hand drawn and computer animation , the backgrounds and characters are amazingly detailed . the film seems a little caught up with it's amazing visuals by showing a lot of sweeping visuals and 'moving' shots , but they _do_ look incredible . the final 'plague' where god kills every first born child , and the parting of the red sea have to be seen to be believed . kudos to the animators . the vocal talent is also very good . val kilmer does a fine job as moses ( although he doesn't sing ) and ralph fiennes is superb as rameses ( and he _does_ sing . ) sandra bullock and jeff goldblum are great , and steve martin and martin short are very good , but not in the film long enough . finally , michelle pfeiffer does excellent work as moses wife . kudos also goes to the voice of god , who instead of booming and bombastic is quiet and subdued . sadly , he is uncredited , and i couldn't quite work out who the voice was . ( but e-mail if you do . ) the songs are good , ranging from the usual love sonnets to the traditional big production number . they don't disturb the movie , and while not particularly memorable , they are nice to listen to ( they're well sung aswell . ) the musical score is suitably epic , with some beautiful tunes . coupled with the superb visuals , the prince of egypt is a visual and aural treat , backed up with a great story . entertaining both for kids and adults , this film is a must see . a david wilcock review ? 1998 " you know , for kids " - norville barnes i have seen several ( but not that many ) woody allen movies . i didn't particulary like radio days , the purple rose of cairo , play it again , sam . i quite enjoyed manhatten murder mystery and everything . . . sex , and i loved might aphrodite . however i found bullets over broadway to be a snoozing bore . and bullets got some very raving reviews , but i didn't think i'd like . but i finally saw it ( double feature with ready to wear i think ) and hated it . since . . . i love you also seems to be getting raving reviews i wasn't sure if i'd want to see . . . thankfully i did ! people burst into singing and dancing , something i hardly ever like . but this movie is so infectious . and funny ! and entertaining ! ( and unlike evita , they only sing when they need to . ) sure some of the actors may not be great singers , but they seems to be having a great time , and so does the audience . that's all i have to say . really , if you think that is going to be a dull movie , you're probably dead . and dead people should not be forced into movie theatres . is mark leeper dead ? he said that " this is an almost ghastly misfire " . the movie is rated r , for * one * use of the word motherf * * * * * . fritz lang's first american film since leaving nazi germany , is an eye-opener about a lynch mob in a small town . joe wilson ( spencer tracy ) is a regular joe , a hard-working stiff , a decent guy , who is living with his two brothers , tom ( walcott ) and charlie ( albertson ) , in chicago . he is engaged to katherine grant ( sylvia sidney ) , but can't save up enough money to marry her . she takes the train west for a better paying job as a teacher . before she departs , she gives him the wedding ring her father gave to her mother , sews up his ripped trench coat , corrects him when he mistakingly says the wrong word for memento , and kisses him goodbye . a year goes by and joe buys a car and tells katherine that he will meet her to get married in capitol city , that he has quit his job and hopes to open a gas station . driving through the rural backroads and camping out at night while going to met her , he arrives at a near-by town called strand . but the deputy sheriff " buggs " meyers ( walter brennan ) comes upon him waving a shotgun and arrests him . he accuses him of the kidnapping of a little girl . the sheriff ( ellis ) finds salted peanuts on him just like the kidnapper had in his pocket , he also has a five dollar bill on him that matches one of the numbers of the ransom money , and he fits the general description of the suspect . locked in jail , he waits for the district attorney to look at his claim of innocence . in the local bar , the town citizens go into a rage when learning that an arrest has been made in the kidnapping . fueled by angry talk about getting back at the kidnapper and of having the deputy inadvertently telling them of the ransom money found on the suspect , a mob storms the jail , burns it down and dynamites it when they can't get through to the prisoner's jail cell . the sheriff called the governor for the national guard , but one of his political advisers countermanded that request , saying it wouldn't look right for the governor in an election year to call out troops for those he wants to vote for him . somehow joe escapes , but his dog rainbow dies . katherine hears what has happened on the radio and rushes to the neighboring town of strand only to see him engulfed by flames in his cell , and becomes convinced that he died . the next day the newspapers announce that the guilty kidnapper confesses . joe makes his way back to chicago and tells his brothers , who are startled to see him alive , that he wants revenge . he thereby supplies his brothers with the names of the 22 leaders in the lynch mob . an ambitious district attorney ( walter abel ) prosecutes the 22 for murder . katherine , not knowing he's alive , remains in a state of shock , but is asked to be a witness that she saw joe burning to death . the defense claims that it can't be a charge of murder without a corpse . the trial proves to be interesting , as the citizens in this close-knit , respectable community , lie under oath , providing alibis for each other to prove they couldn't have been at the jail . the sheriff also lies , saying he can't identify anyone in the mob . but proof comes by way of a newsreel cameraman who caught the whole incident on film . as for proof of the corpse , an anonymous letter is addressed to the judge enclosed with the wedding ring katherine gave joe . in the note , memento is misspelled , which makes katherine realize that joe is alive . when the sentence is announced , 20 of the accused are found guilty of murder , but joe marches into the courtroom and gives a pious speech about what happened . katherine forgives him , and this very strong film ends on a weaker note than i think it should have . but don't blame lang for all the changes in the film , of trying to take the town off the hook by introducing this wild revenge motive . mgm couldn't bear to have it made the way lang wanted it , that is , by having tracy die in the lynching . instead they wanted to stop short of condemning so many small american towns where lynchings actually do occur , and they thereby meddled throughout the entire script . to lang's credit , even if this film failed to be a masterpiece because of the interference , it still did not let the good citizens off the moral hook . his portrayal of the attempted lynching was powerfully done and was not compromised . you couldn't help get the feeling that the citizens didn't care that much that they almost lynched an innocent man , but cared more about protecting the reputation of their town and would do anything to keep their 22 vigilantes from going to jail , even perjuring themselves . their reaction to seeing joe alive was satisfying only in that it meant they weren't going to be convicted . lang by no means implies that the town has learned its lesson from this incident . he does imply that a dark side to joe wilson has been exposed , and the innocent , jovial good-guy , seen in the beginning of the film , has been largely altered forever by this traumatic experience . veteran actor clint eastwood has never looked as grizzled as he does in true crime , his latest directorial effort . when steve everett ( his newest character ) gets angry at someone , he glares them down with those famous dirty harry eyes , furrows his brow and frowns like a grizzly bear who's just lost his cubs . eastwood has played some particularly despicable characters in his time , but everett could just take the cake . he gets my vote , at least , partly because `ev' is a drunken affair-a-week womanizer who has many relationship problems , very few of which are with his wife ( diane venora ) . when his colleague at the oakland tribune is in an ugly car wreck and dies , everett must take over for her at a vital interview session . the interview is with frank beacham ( isaiah washington ) , a death-row inmate set to die at midnight for the murder of a pregnant convenience store clerk . eastwood furrows his brow . as everett gradually finds information , he realizes that beacham could very well be innocent . he interviews a key witness ( michael jeter ) , who claims that he burst in the door at pocum's foods because his car had overheated , only to see beacham standing over the dead woman's body , blood on his suspenders , gun in hand . but everett protests : how could he have seen the gun , which was lowered by his side , with the potato chip rack in front of him ? jeter doesn't know what he's talking about . eastwood furrows his brow . crinkled expressions and all , clint is the centre of energy of true crime . the film is by no means a standard action/suspense yarn , but a thoughtful human story in which the characters come before the shoot-outs . isaiah washington has a break-out performance as frank beacham , and scenes with him and his weary wife ( lisa gay hamilton ) are truly heartfelt moments . but the best scenes are ones that feature eastwood duking it out with those in authority over him . denis leary , as everett's editor and boss , has more than a few memorable moments of restrained anger ( you see , ev is sleeping with his wife ) . but hands down , the most enjoyable segments of the film are when james woods is on camera . playing the big boss alan mann , woods and eastwood create amusing chemistry and laugh-out-loud punchlines . when true crime opts for a high-speed chase to the governer's house at the finale , the quality of film-making takes an abrupt nosedive . eastwood was so successful with colorful character portraits that he didn't need to switch lanes . true crime is a tension-building , intriguing drama showcase for the talented director and star . this is a road block he could have easily dismissed ( i furrow my brow ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . those of you who frequently read my reviews are not likely to be surprised by the fact that i have not read victor hugo's novel les miserables . i don't know if a lot of people have , though i imagine many are familiar with the popular musical based on the novel . i haven't even seen that . going into this film , i had almost no knowledge of the story or its characters ( i even expected the film to be a musical ) . walking away from it , i'm kind of glad i had no prior experience with the material . writer/director bille august's film version is a straightforward , beautifully told film . liam neeson stars as the miserable jean valjean ; in the beginning , he has just been released from a 19-year prison sentence . he is allowed to stay in a convent by a kindly priest despite his rude and destructive behavior . the priest's words of wisdom influence him , and he makes a vow to change himself . nine years later , we are informed that he is now the mayor of a town called vigo ; nobody knows his real name , and that he is wanted for skipping his parole nine years ago . conflicts arise when inspector javert ( geoffrey rush ) is assigned to vigo . valjean remembers javert as one of the prison guards who constantly beat him , and javert remembers jean to be a convict . javert is hell-bent on upholding the law , and he does everything in his power to bring jean to justice . along the way , valjean meets and falls in love with a peasant woman , fantine ( uma thurman ) , and vows to take care of her daughter , cosette ( played later by claire danes ) . les miserables is visually a solid and often striking picture . the production design by anna asp is authentic and vast , and the sets don't look like sets ( they look like real towns and villages ) ; gabriella pescucci's costumes are noticeably spectacular . basil poledouris' soundtrack is thick and usually well-placed ( though it does get a bit heavy at times ) . many scenes in the film have a memorable photographic quality , such as the climax , which takes place next to a dark river in the grey obscurity of early evening . augusts keeps the story simple ( which i hear is a good thing , since the novel is so complex ) and easy to follow . he manages to develop the main characters and most of the subplots adequately . i was also impressed that he didn't go overboard with flash and style , which is something so many directors seem to be doing to classic stories these days ( such as baz luhrmann's vicious tragedy william shakespeare's romeo + juliet ) . this film feels solid and whole , and each scene has a certain amount of importance and vigor that keeps the audience interested . liam neeson is terrific in the main role ; neeson is the kind of actor who does solemn desperation extremely well , and valjean is certainly a man who clearly fits that adjective . thurman , in her small role , is very good , and proves that she has a lot of range and can perform in a very non-glamorous role such as this one . rush is absolutely incredible as javert ; i don't remember ever feeling so strongly about a villain as i do here ; he adds depth and complexity with subtle glances and nuances , and effortlessly makes each of his scenes intense . i can't be as charitable for danes , however ; though i know she is a talented actress , here she tends to overact when it might have been better to underplay the character a bit . les miserables is , as i've said , a solid , intelligent motion picture . my only complaint is that it feels a bit too easy , and perhaps too staged . each scene is grand and huge , and exploding with poledouris' score , but i didn't always want them to be . for the most part , les miserables is not a subtle or deep picture . it's a good movie , and tells its story well , but august tends to hand-feed us themes and scenes that would have worked better had they been more subtle . however , in a film this exciting and well-produced , a few minor flaws are easily overlooked . this is a stagy film adapted from roger rueff's play " hospitality suite . ''its about three travelling salesmen attending an industrial convention , whose chicago company has sent them to wichita , where the company has paid all their expenses for them to rent a hospitality suite on the 16th floor of the hotel , where they aim to score a substantial account from the big kahuna , someone named dick fuller , who is the head of a big industrial corporation . he is someone they have never met before , but they want to sell him industrial lubricants and they want desperately to land this new account , it is their only reason for coming to the convention . " the big kahuna " revels in salesmen-talk among the three white christian males , two of them , larry ( spacey ) and phil ( devito ) , who are veteran salesmen , having teamed together for the last twelve years , while bob ( facinelli ) is a young man who has just recently been hired by the firm and works in the research department . these three are virtually imprisoned in their small hospitality suite waiting to meet the big kahuna , as the focus of this claustrophobic film is on their interactions in the hospitality suite . the three salesmen have different things on their mind that is troubling them and a different attitude to their job , and they are each going through internal changes that are profoundly altering their life . the outstanding cast tries to figure out in their own way what they are doing and why . what comes into question is their opinions on life and death , on god and morality , and on how they make a living . these are tough questions and the truth seems to be somewhere in their sales pitch . their dialogue is acerbic , witty , and analytical . following in the long tradition of salesmen films -- from death of a salesman , the tin men , and glengarry glen ross , as this film tries to get you to see what there is about salesmanship that gets these men high . in this case , it is landing the big kahuna . they each are trying to see why he's on top and why they are chasing after him . what makes this film different than the others , is its blatant religious message , comparing orthodox religion to what they do , as both must sell their product . and how after each one's psyche is stripped clean by the other , there is a pause and some lesson about life has sunk in that is pertinent to each . the goal in the movie is not in literally landing the big kahuna , but in finding out what bill of goods they sold themselves that made them be salesmen . larry and phil have one way of doing things and have no qualms of incorporating a sales pitch as part of their life . bob thinks he is above the fray and he pitches every chance he can get about his belief in jesus christ . his vacuous character and smug outlook on life are covered by a disarming smile and an eagerness for him to prove in his actions the words of jesus he literally believes in . bob is a baptist , who takes a very non-questioning and literal attitude about religion . to just look at another woman and lust after her is a sin , according to the way he reads the bible . when asked by larry why he married his wife , he seems puzzled and can't even say because he loves her , only that marriage is something sacred to him . the contrast in their personalities is stark . larry is all business , he simply wants to close the sale . he comes into the room pumped for the convention , using his attack mode to establish how serious he is about being a salesman . he criticizes phil for being so placid , for getting such a small suite , for having the cheap food tray of carrot sticks rather than the one of stuffed shrimp , and for being burned-out . he tells him to go on a vacation . get a woman . while phil is reflective on where all his best years have gone for him and is contemplating a career change , now that he is 52 and is painfully divorcing his wife , after having lived too lonely a life on the road for too long . he now finds himself suffering from some troubling dreams and questioning what he believes in . he has always been a charmer , shaking everyone's hand , trying to please his clients while trying to make the sale . larry is more aggressive as a salesman , he is always a heart attack away from every big sale . in contrast , bob is only in his twenties and everything seems fresh to him . this is his first time for him on the road . when dick fuller doesn't arrive at the party the salesmen throw , larry becomes confrontational and asks phil if he spoke to the man himself about the gathering . when told that he spoke to the secretary , larry throws a tantrum and is resigned to going back to their home office without the new account . but when they start talking to bob , whom they forced to act as the bartender , they are surprised to learn that fuller did indeed come but was wearing another man's name tag and that bob spent the entire evening consoling the tycoon over his recently deceased dog and then talking to him about jesus . bob then tells the boys about a private party fuller is attending afterwards , and that he invited bob to attend . larry and phil can't fathom how bob didn't make a sales pitch . but they soon take another tact and decide to prep bob on how to get fuller's attention about their company's product as they sent him off to meet fuller , and will await his return in the hotel room . these two sharp salesmen are reduced to waiting for this smug kid to come back and tell them he saved their ass . the irony of their situation is played out in the darkness of the hotel room , as they stay up late into the night trying to make sense out of their lives . these three performers were outstanding , each understanding what their role called for , each coming through with a marvelous performance . the only problem with the film , is that its more of a play than a cinematic experience . but the insightful dialogue and refreshing dramatics , give it an intelligent selling point and make it a good product to see . the coen brothers are back again , this time with homer's " odyssey " as the backdrop in their tale of three fugitives from a mississippi chain gang who trek across the south to find a secret treasure in " o brother , where art thou ? " right for the beginning of " o brother " the coens grab your attention with a chain gang of prison inmates breaking rocks along the road in unison to a work song . the camera flows around the hard toiling men , giving a visually exciting symmetry to the scene that ends with our three heroes - ulysses everett mcgill ( george clooney ) , delmar ( tim blake nelson ) and pete ( john turturro ) - escaping across a cotton field . it is the beginning of a journey that takes on different meanings and urgencies to each member of the trio . a strong suite , as always with the coen brothers , is the depth of character of the folks they create in their films . their characters are goofy and comical , like nicolas cage in " raising arizona " ; or , dramatic , as albert finney and john turturro in " miller's crossing " ; and , even a mix of the two with frances mcdormand in " fargo . " in all cases , and in " o brother , " too , the characters populating their films are three-dimensional people . ulysses everett is a handsome , hair-obsessed petty criminal with a silver tongue and not a lot in the brains department . but , he seems like a genius when compared to the simple , sweet delmar and the maladjusted pete , who follow their self appointed leader to a promised treasure of $1 . 2 million . their odyssey takes on the mystical proportions of homer's original material as they meet all manner of people along the way , including those dangerous sirens who beckon them onto symbolically rocky shoals and a cyclops who beats them and takes all their money . there is magic , too , when delmar believes that pete was turned into a horny toad by the sirens . the story meanders through the different vignettes of the boys' adventures , giving the flick a choppy , episodic feel that disrupts the overall flow . some of the interludes are an epiphany , though . the trio becomes a quartet when they pick up guitar-playing tommy johnson ( chris thomas king ) and visit a radio station in the middle of nowhere , run by its blind owner ( stephen root ) . they become the soggy bottom boys for the sightless radio station man and , without their knowledge , are recorded as they sing the traditional tune , " i am a man of constant sorrow . " it is a wonderful moment of moviemaking and gives us , in my mind , the best movie song of the year . contrasting this and other wonderful moments ( the sexy seduction by the sirens comes to mind ) are some pretentious bits that detract from the overall quality of " o brother . " in particular , near the end , is a scene where ulysses , delmar and pete crash a ku klux klan rally to save tommy from being lynched . the scene is overblown and flashy and reeks of " the wizard of oz . " they don't say " lions and tigers and bears , oh my ! " and there's no dorothy , but it is the land of oz we're seeing here . the highs and lows of the story flow are tempered by fine acting on several levels . george clooney is funny , charming , a little dumb and one of the handsomest actors in the business today . he has the charm of a 30's movie idol and is able to put himself into silly situations with dignity . ulysses has an ongoing obsession with his hair , risking life and limb to get a particular brand of pomade and a supply of hairnets . his vanity will come to plague him as it would any mystical hero-wanderer . while clooney is the name draw for " o brother , " the show stealer is tim blake nelson as delmar . the heretofore unknown nelson is terrific as the simple convict who , at one point , hears the word of the lord and joins members of a church congregation in their mass baptism . delmar is saved and dedicates his life to doing good and provides a richness to his simple character that makes him shine . the taciturn pete , as played by longtime coen collaborator turturro , is the sullen member of the trio and gives them the necessary angst . all together , the tuneful triumvirate is a mix of the three stooges and the three musketeers as they prove to be buffoons , albeit brave ones . the colorful supporting cast is rampant with homerian characters to meet and get to know along the way of the boys' odyssey . charles durning appears as incumbent governor pappy o'daniel , who keeps crossing paths with them in his bid for re-election . john goodman is wicked as the one-eyed bible salesman and con artist , big dan teague . michael badalucco is manic and outrageous as outlaw and bank robber extraordinary , george " babyface " nelson . stephen root is amusing as the blind dj , rep'ing one of the many references to the sightless that abound in the film in mystical ways . holly hunter is wasted in the small role as ulysses' estranged wife , penny ( and the real reason for this adventure , not secret treasure ) . techs are , as expected in a coen brothers venture , first class . cinematographer roger deakins , who has worked on five previous coen films , captures the sultry atmosphere of the south . the photography complements the lush period production and costume provided by dennis gassner and mary zophres , respectively . once again , roderick jaynes - the alter ego of ethan and joel coen - is on board as editor . the high points outweigh the low through most of " o brother , where art thou ? " with particular praise for the wonderful selection of period and traditional music . i give it a b . contact ( pg ) there's a moment late in robert zemeckis's contact where i was reminded of why i started writing movie reviews in the first place . we see a scientist , dressed in a silvery space suit , walking tentatively across a narrow walkway leading inside a compact , spherical space pod , unaware of what awaits when the ball literally drops . anticipation , excitement , anxiety , fear--the audience experiences it all the emotional tension right with the character , nervously , breathlessly eager to see what lies ahead . it is this sense of discovery , the anticipation of which and its accompanying exhilaration , that makes this adaptation of the carl sagan novel such magical , captivating entertainment . jodie foster stars as dr . ellie arroway , a brilliant astronomer who dedicates her entire life to searching outer space for extraterrestrial radio signals . and i mean life--after losing her entire family when she was young , the only thing occupying ellie's world is this quest to discover life beyond this earth . after dealing with much skepticism on the part of government officials and wealthy financiers , ellie receives her vindication when she stumbles upon an incoming radio transmission from the distant star vega , which includes instructions on building an interstellar transport . from this synopsis , contact does not sound too different to most films about alien contact , but there is a whole lot more to this intelligent film than the sci-fi hook . the alien contact angle generates a great amount of suspense and awe , but perhaps more than anything else , contact is a character study of ellie , whose obsession with empirical , scientific evidence has erased all belief in a higher power . the irony is that , while admitting to having no religious faith , she holds onto her belief in extraterrestrial life with such passion and conviction that it becomes , in a sense , a religion in its own right . it would be easy for scripters james v . hart and michael goldenberg , in trying to paint a positive image of the heroine , to champion her scientific beliefs over religious ones , but they wisely eschew easy answers , giving equal time to both sides , and in so doing depict ellie as not completely sane . in the end , there is no right or wrong , nor is there one side that comes off more positive in the other , even slightly so--there are just two very viable points of view , each with their own merits , each with their own faults . the complex role of ellie is an actress's dream , and foster , a virtual shoo-in for yet another best actress oscar nomination next year , more than rises to the challenge . she conveys intelligence , determination , warmth , and , in a gutsy move , always on edge . we root for ellie and feel for her , but we also feel at times that she goes too far . contact is clearly foster's vehicle , but others are given their chance to shine in smaller roles . matthew mcconaughey , who receives outrageously high billing for his smallish role , holds his own as the religious counterpoint to ellie , spiritual scholar and government adviser palmer joss ( however , his main storyline , the tentative palmer-ellie romance , is the film's weakest subplot ) . john hurt is effectively creepy as s . r . hadden , the wealthy eccentric who provides ellie with her research funding . angela bassett continues to impress in her bit role as white house aide rachel constantine . most memorable of all , though , are tom skerritt and james woods , who play rival scientist dr . david drumlin and national security adviser michael litz , respectively ; both , especially skerritt , embody these asshole characters that the audience hissed just about every single one of their appearances . zemeckis comes off of his three-year break in top shape . always known as a director of effects-laden extravaganzas , it comes as no surprise that contact's visual effects are quite stunning . the central space journey is more than a little reminiscent of the close of 2001 : a space odyssey , but with more advanced technology at his disposal , zemeckis's voyage is even trippier than stanley kubrick's yet more wondrously pure . and zemeckis doesn't resist the urge to use the always-interesting incorporate-actors-into-existing-film-footage effect , which is every bit as seamless here as it was in forrest gump . effects , however , are confined to only a few scenes and clearly take a back seat to the drama , emotion , and pure wonder , which zemeckis proved to be quite adept at in gump . it says a lot that , in a summer science fiction film such as this , it's not so much the effects that stay with you as it is the drama and the issues that are raised . the thought-provoking , two-hour-plus contact is a much-welcome change of pace from summer no-brainers , but the fact that it is a smart film does not mean that it also isn't entertaining . for all the interesting questions it asks , the film is still what it's being sold as-- " a journey to the heart of the universe . " and what a fascinating , unforgettable journey it is . satirical films usually fall into one of two categories : 1 ) long-term satire where everything , including the jokes , is somehow related on a large scale ( i . e . " dr . strangelove " ; 2 ) situation satire in which the comedy and themes are derived moment by moment and scene by scene ( i . e . " men in black " ) . what's unique about " wag the dog " is that it doesn't necessarily fit either of these descriptions , and yet is both at the same time . the result is a clever comedy based on an original , smart premise , even if the focus does tend to wander a bit . if there's anything that affects americans the most it's politics and showbusiness . in this age of information and technology , we've been so conditioned by the media and the entertainment industry in our ways of perceiving things , it's gotten to the point that we are practically controlled by it . we need the media to bring us the most up-to-date news , but we also need the escapism of hollywood to counter all that thinking . this film starts off well by quickly establishing these ideas , and then presents an interesting scenario : if politics , the media coverage of politics , and the entertainment industry are so closely related , couldn't someone with the power and authority to manipulate one of the aspects manipulate them all ? that's the idea conrad brean ( de niro ) , a professional washington spin doctor , comes up with in order to restore the president's good name who has been accused of child molestation just weeks before the election . brean , along with the president's top advisor , winifred ames ( heche ) , fly to california to meet up with hot-shot movie producer stanley motss ( hoffman ) . they pitch him an idea to " produce " the image of a war with albania ( it's a country no one's heard of so they people will buy it ) . soon the wheels are in motion and the film's riffing satire comes into play . we're inundated with the hollywood mind set as motss brings in a number of experts to help manage the situation , such as a folk singer , visual and sound effects technicians , and a modern style expert known as the fad king ( leary ) . the initial atmosphere is rich with numerous pop culture references where everything somehow relates to something on tv , in the movies , or in the news . the characters' dialogue is witty and funny , although some of the actual jokes and gags seem rather sitcom-esque . for example , one scene shows motss and brean's production crew filming an actress portraying a poor albanian refugee . motss ordered a kitten for the girl to carry , but instead wound up with a dozen different dogs . since it's all computer-enhanced anyway , she ends up cradling a bag of tostitos with the kitten to be inserted later . this demonstrates the film's ability to take a relatively ordinary situation and make it smart and funny just through the premise . but then there's the gags and one-liners that , although are humorous , seem a little gratuitious in the long run such as motss not being able to remember the actress's name , or , whenever a problem emerges , always responding with , " this is nothing ! " by the time the film makes it to the midpoint , everything that is going to happen in terms of plot happens . the first act is quickly paced , while the second act contains most of the jokes and is the core of the film . every ten minutes or so a new problem crops up that motss and brean must deal with , and it's always fascinating to see what they do and how they do it . the screenplay provides good characterization and actually deals with most of the problems head-on in realistic manners . however , it does have a tendency to avoid things and shift its focus from the election campaign and false war smokescreen to something a bit off the subject . as the third act rolls around the satirical nature becomes more concerned with the situations and less so with the big picture . what had started off as a brilliant , somewhat harmless conspiracy to fool the general public begins to seem more like something that would happen in a movie . still , the situation comedy is quite funny , especially a montage showing the entire country flinging old shoes into trees to honor sgt . willie schumann - a war hero motss and brean concocted . truly great satire manages to create for an entertaining story that makes you laugh at the time , but think about afterwards and " wag the dog " at least succeeds in this respect . however , in retrospect it seems like so much more could have been done , namely by extending the running time and filling in the plot holes . then again , it's a valiant effort . after sixteen years francis ford copolla has again returned to his favorite project , making the third installment in the godfather-trilogy . this new film has been underrated for no reason . it is as intellectual and majestically made as copolla's pervious films . it is also more psychological , pessimistic and more tragic than the first two . the only regret is the unconvincing performance by the newcomer sofia copolla and some " unfinished " developments of some characters . the film elegantly begins with nino rota's recognizable musical score , the beautiful skyscrapers of new york and michael's voice as he is writing a letter to his children : " the only wealth in this world is children . more than all money and power on earth , you are my treasure " . the year is 1979 and michael corleone has used the time since the ending of " part ii " to make his father's dream come true - making the corleone family legitimate . michael sold all his casinos and invests only in gambling . constantly haunted by the past , his only reason to live is his children . the family has amassed unimaginable wealth , and as the film opens michael corleone ( al pacino ) is being invested with a great honor by the church . later that day , at a reception , his daughter announces a corleone family gift to the church and the charities of sicily , " a check in the amount of $100 million . " but the corleones are about to find , as others have throughout history , that you cannot buy forgiveness . sure , you can do business with evil men inside the church , for all men are fallible and capable of sin . but god does not take payoffs . the plot of the movie , concocted by coppola and mario puzo in a screenplay inspired by headlines , brings the corleone family into the inner circles of corruption in the vatican . there is a moment in " godfather iii " where michael says : " all my life i have been trying to go up in society , where everything was legal . but the higher i go , the crookier it becomes . . " . visually this film is as spectacular as the first two . gordon willis' rich cinematography , carmine copolla's beautiful composition and alex tavoularis' wonderful art direction could not be better . but copolla's first two godfather-films were more famous for their deep , intellectual plots , tree dimensional characters and incredible acting , than for their visual perfection . the third installment has only the plot and visuals . some characters could be much more developed and the acting , although good , never accomplishes to reach the same height of the first two films . the biggest miscasting is sofia copolla , who is so unconvincing and unemotional that she manages to ruin several scenes throughout the movie , that could have been grander and more emotional . the best performance comes unsurprisingly from al pacino , who should have got a nomination for best actor at the oscars . andy garcia is powerful as sonny's son , strong , focused and loyal . violence is natural to him . he suffers no pangs of conscience when he takes revenge on his family's behalf , and in this he is supposed to be strong in the uncomplicated way don vito corleone was . however both kay ( diane keaton ) and connie ( talia shire ) are useless . and characters like vito corleone and tom hagen are really missed . the good part is that michael is again reunited with old friends , that you remember from the first and second films . in the third film michael has become almost like his father , vito in the first film and vincenzo resembles michael when he was much younger . this parallel could be more interesting if vincenzo's character was more developed . many have pointed out that making the third film , was unnecessary . i disagree . it is a beautiful film of great importance , completing the tragic saga of the corleone family . the first film showed some horrible results of corleone's life . it showed michael making a choice ; the second showed a man damning himself for his choices and feeling the impact of changing times . a man desperately trying to keep his balance , focus , family and sanity , while everything is crashing all around him . the third film is a terrifying conclusion - a result of michael's life . the life he chose for himself is like quicksand - one wrong step and you are doomed . there is no turning back . and no matter how hard you try to get out of it , to free yourself , no matter how powerful and wealthy you are , you are helpless - sinking deeper and deeper till it swallows you completely . the beautifully directed last sequence is also the powerful climax of the film , when michael is sitting alone in his chair , left by everyone , surrounded by emptiness and memories of his friends and family members long dead . here he dies - alone , miserable and unforgiven bruce willis is a type-casted actor . in die hard , he played john mcclaine , a rough and tough chicago cop who gets caught in the wrong place at the wrong time . again , in pulp fiction , as butch coolidge , an over-the-hill boxer , he steps on the wrong guys toes . in luc besson's the fifth element , willis plays korben dallas , a new york cabby who takes in the wrong passenger at the worst possible time . a stylish science fiction epic , the fifth element's complex plot begins right away , in the deserts of egypt ( think stargate ) in 1914 . an enormous spacecraft lands above a pyramid where the " 5 elements " are stored and takes them away , vowing to return them when the evil comes back . cut to present day , which is our future . the year is 2023 , and new york is the city . the only basic differences between besson's futuristic depiction and the real life new york is that the smog is thicker , the buildings are higher , and the traffic floats ! anyway , the " evil " comes back as a ball of fire to wreak havoc on the fair citizens of the earth , so back come the tortoise-like aliens to return the " 5 elements " to earth , in order to defend themselves against the " evil . " in the process , however , the ship is intercepted by 2 fighter pods and is destroyed before landing . when officials arrive at the site , all that remains is a hand . what can you do with a hand ? hey , its the 21st century here-dna reconstruction ! this hand turns out to belong to a beautiful , but mysterious woman named leeloo ( milla jovovich , dazed and confused ) . she escapes and , attempting to escape the police by swan diving off of an enormous skyscraper and crashing through the roof of korben's floating cab . it's love at first site , as korben and leeloo elude the lazy-as-always cops . when leeloo begins mumbling about a cornelius ( ian holm , night falls on manhattan ) , korben searches the " yellow pages " and delivers her to the door of the good reverend , the only man who knows of her background and duties . now , korben , leeloo , and cornelius must journey to a foreign planet to board a cruise ship ( special effects were spectacular here ) to find the remaining four elements . it is here , where they discover that they have been followed by the evil jean-baptiste emmanuel zorg ( gary oldman , murder in the first ) . he , too , wants possession of the elements , as do a group of pig-like warriors ( think the gamorreans in return of the jedi ) . in a spectacular ending , with time running out , leeloo is faced with a problem-why should she save a people who live to destroy each other ? the question is a good one , and one that could be pondered . but enough of that . when korben points out his love for her , leeloo is inclined to become the " 5th element " and save the world from total destruction . the fifth element features good performances by willis and holm , an excellent portrayal of a comedic villain ( who reminded me a lot of jack nicholson's the joker in batman ) by one of the masters of villainy , oldman , and a heartfelt offering by relative newcomer jovovich . the supporting cast , which includes brion james ( tango & cash ) , tim " tiny " lester ( no holds barred ) , luke perry ( buffy the vampire slayer ) , and chris tucker ( friday ) , added a comedic effect to the film . although besson's the fifth element can be criticized for the outlandish use of cliches , it is a solid motion picture with a definite point . some other directors ( like anaconda's luis llosa ) should take a lesson from this guy-using ideas from epic motion pictures the right way . ideas from star wars and stargate were utilized for the improvement of this film . sci-fi fan or not , any movie-lover should see this wonderfully stylish motion picture . , there must be some unwritten rule that states , one gets enlightenment not in the way one expects to get enlightenment but in the commitment given to seeking wisdom , even if it is a foolish road one is on and it seems to be leading nowhere . in the exotic morocco of 1972 , a 25-year-old english hippie mother , julia ( winslet ) , of two sweet young girls , the 6-year-old lucy ( carrie ) and the 8-year-old bea ( bella ) , has arrived for a year's stay , with the self-absorbed mother oblivious to how her daughters might be adjusting to this foreign experience while she is searching for a change of life from her unfaithful poet husband ( she is not officially married to him ) and her cold one-room london flat , and is sort of looking for the eternal truth in the sunny climate of marrakech . at least she says she is , as she is making some attempt to contact a sufi sheikh there who has all the answers . she has not planned things out too carefully , having no money , and the trip doesn't seem like it's much fun , more like a misadventure , with some romance with a local moroccan thrown in . drugs , a world-wide youthful phenomena during this period , where many westerners came to morocco to smoke the good hashish found there and to live the 'good life' cheaply , and to be in a spot where they did not have to worry about being hassled by the local authorities , even though drugs are illegal there . but this is not shown as one of her reasons for being here . in this film , the subject of drugs is never broached , only hinted at in an off-handed but slurring way , as the hippie commune is shown in a negative light , strumming on their guitars and bragging about the hits of acid they have taken . even the ones coming here for spiritual reasons , to follow the mystical sufis , seem lost following a culture that is far different from where they were coming from . the film is based on the novel that contained the autobiographical experiences of sigmund freud's grand-daughter , esther freud , who traveled here in the 1960s with her mother and sister . it is written by the director's brother , who has previously directed regeneration , the playboys , and trojan eddie . the title of the film comes from the squealing giggles that saying hideous kinky gives the little girls . with julia strapped for cash and not receiving a needed check her husband often forgets to send her , she is prevented from seeing the greatest living sufi who is located in algeria ; so instead , she meets an acrobat street performer in the bazaar , bilal ( said taghmaoui ) . he becomes her lover , taking the place of her husband as a father figure for the girls . the girls readily accept him , and there is no big-to-do made about their openly sexual relationship , but the girls really don't know what to make of the relationship . it especially bothers bea , who is embarrassed by her mother's loose attitude and wants to go home . things go surprisingly sour when bilal takes them to stay in his small village . it seems only that bilal's charm is matched by his shiftlessness , as he has a wife who still lives there . this scene didn't make too much sense as to why he would take them there knowing the situation , unless the uneducated man was totally uneducated in the customs of his people , also . but i doubt that . the family is now stuck without money in a backward area trying to decide what to do next , as they hitch a ride away from there with a truck driver who nearly kills them when he falls asleep by the wheel . lucy takes it all in stride and has a good disposition for travel , while bea just wants to go to a school and learn something and be a 'normal' girl . the beauty of marrakech is matched by the terrific performance of kate winslet , as the film accurately encapsulates the timeless city and its bustling street scenes , expansive views , illustrious mosques , and grand sunsets . kate enacts the feel of what it was like to be a westerner , living out the countercultural experiences while awaiting to gather her sensibilities again and was fortunate enough to be able to go home the better off for her experiences , as many a drop-out reluctantly had to do after their stay ran out of money and purpose . the background music from groups like america and jefferson airplane , provided further nostalgia for this easy to look at and easy to grasp film . the only hope was that the two innocent girls would not be permanently harmed while on this sojourn , a venture that should be reserved only for those of college age or older who choose to go there for themselves . the family's travel , which is on the edge , has julia waking up screaming from dreams that are bleakly haunting ; but , when she gets up , all there is , is this splendid emptiness all around her and a vacuous life that is starting to bother her . that marrakech is disarmingly gorgeous and that london is old hat to her , is starting to wear thin in her thoughts . it will dawn on her , when bea takes ill , as she reflects on what the sufi guru tells her , whom she finally meets and is driven to tears in his presence . he is the guru who replaced the one she wanted to see but who died before she got a chance to see him . the new guru is grounded in reality , something she is not grounded in , and seems to tell her what she couldn't comprehend from anyone else , even comforting her , by telling her that her tears are memories- a gift from god . the film's weakness was the empty feeling i got from watching the story unfold in its risk free tenor ( she was there basically to be just escaping from her situation ) and how unappealing the love affair seemed between bilal and julia . the storyline about a helpless single parent , detracted from the vibrant experiences many others of her same baby-boom generation had during their trip to morocco , who were taken in by the mystical culture of sufism , a teaching that has a lot to offer its followers , contrary to the impression the film might give , seemed to pass her by . her knowledge of that trip is only surface deep , at best . she perhaps would have been better off not taking the kids along , smoking some hashish , and have been less assured of herself but to have behaved more like a hippie and she wouldn't have been so uptight all the time and had some fun on her journey . after all , the mystical trip is the journey . the film's strength is in how all the characters are shown for what they are , and no one is that good or that bad , or judged too harshly for their shortcomings . bilal is unreliable but is capable of generosity . the little girls are precocious but they are lovable . julia , the cornerstone the film is built on , is a mother who cares about the children but doesn't know how to take care of them without unintentionally harming them . she was trying to escape from reality and that by returning to london , she has another chance to see if she can find the key to this world or whatever world she is looking for and should no longer have nightmares about where she's at . this is a very freudian way to look at things , as this sudden realization , that things are not right puts an an end to her eastern hippie odyssey , at least , for the time being . and , after all is said and done , who's to say if the children are also not better off for surviving their experiences , just like she probably was ! did claus von bulow try to kill his wife sunny in their newport mansion ? that is the question reversal of fortune asks you to consider as it opens in a hospital ward , with a comatose sunny von bulow . she is the main narrator of the film , in a narrative trick that was extraordinarily risky for schroeder . the dramatic trick works , as sunny von bulow narrates a compelling story of murder , sex , unhappiness , and a lawyer's moral dilemma as he takes a case he thinks he cannot win . jeremy irons is claus von bulow , in what is his finest role , and one of the most devastingly evil performances in history . he is as hated as any man alive , as cold as a cucumber . his remorse for his wife's comatose condition is nonexistant , and it is no wonder that even his children have difficulty accepting his version of what happened during christmas , 1980 . the background to the case is such . during christmas of 1979 , sunny von bulow fell into a deep coma from which she recovered and awoke . the same situation occured in 1980 , only sunny never woke , and probably never will . when examined , it was found that she had 14 times the normal amount of insulin within her blood . claus von bulow is then accused of attempted murder by his stepson , convicted , and freed on bail . he immediately hires alan dershowitz , the renowed harvard law professor , to acquit him . ron silver is magnificent as a moral lawyer who cannot stand what has happened to him . we follow him through two very different cases ; the case of the johnson case , where two innocent kids are standing on death row for a crime they didn't commit , and von bulow , who he still hasn't figured out . dershowitz doesn't know what happened to sunny , and he is extremely hesitant to take the case . nevertheless , he does , based on certain things which happen during the investigative process that deeply upset him . together with a group of law students , dershowitz concocts a defense and ultimately get the verdict reversed . silver's performance is one of a handful of solid roles in this deep film . schroeder directs on many different levels , with multiple plot lines which blend in wonderfully in the mind of alan dershowitz . there are flaws ; at times , the film gets overly theatrical . yet , due to glenn close's troubled and brutally honest performance as sunny von bulow , the use of her comatose body as a narrator works here fairly well . the flashbacks are good , but at times schroeder doesn't fill in the blanks . the movie could have benefited with the increased attention of certain developments during the film , and it could have used a better ending . the film progressed wonderfully before ending suddenly , without any intelligent conclusion . the supporting characters are often neglected , and dershowitz's team should have been allowed to grow character wise , but schroeder over-simplifies the story and the characters . yet , for all these flaws , the film is deeply engrossing because of irons . as von bulow , he is brutally evil . anti-semitic , prejudiced , arrogant , protective , he is a rotten , lying monster , whose conviction may have been wrong legally , but morally he was to blame . irons plays him to a cold perfection , with pathetic attempts to gain moral support for his claims to innocence . he is an adulterous liar and a cheat who in all likelihood committed the murder . however , the genius of reversal of fortune comes in its distinction between moral culpability and legal responsibility . there is no doubt von bulow is responsible for his wife's death by years of neglect and coldness . however , legally , did he do the murder ? schroeder dares the viewer to make up his own mind . with all the character flaws , reversal of fortune is an engrossing puzzle because it is intelligent ; he wants the viewer to make up his own mind . schroeder taunts the viewer with contradictory revelations , and then mentions that the answer to this compelling puzzle shall be revealed when we join sunny von bulow , in death . for all the failed dramatic theatrics , this is one that works beautifully . we don't know what happened . that sense of legal ambiguousness , along with von bulow's obvious moral guilt , is why reversalf fortune works . in the end , von bulow is as sadistic as ever . irons is haunting , and that is why reversal of fortune is so good . driving miss daisy takes its sweet time to tell a small , intimate story . it's a quiet film , a slow film , a deliberate film . but if you're patient with it , the movie offers innumerable rewards , such as a pair of self-assured performances by morgan freeman and jessica tandy . driving miss daisy is based on alfred uhry's pulitzer-prize winning play of the same name , which first opened in new york four years ago . the play has garnered international acclaim with productions in chicago , los angeles , london , vienna , norway , and the soviet union . uhry himself wrote the screenplay for the film adaptation of driving miss daisy ; he also penned the wonderful sleeper , mystic pizza . the film , like the play , is set in atlanta , georgia , and it revolves around two people in their twilight years : a cranky , 70-something jewish widow who feels guilty about her wealth and a 60-something black man who becomes her chauffeur . the movie relies on character , rather than plot , to propel the action . in fact , the movie has no discernible plot in the traditional sense ; it doesn't present a linear story in which all the scenes flow together . rather , driving miss daisy is made up of the routine activities of everyday life : shopping , listening to the radio , visiting the cemetery , eating fried chicken , and so on . the film also incorporates into the story line actual events in atlanta's history , including the 1958 bombing of the temple ( the city's oldest jewish congregation ) and a 1965 ceremony honoring the reverend dr . martin luther king , jr . the story begins in 1948 with daisy ( tandy ) crashing and wrecking her packard as she pulls out of her driveway . the insurance company cancels her insurance , and her son , boolie , decides to hire her a chauffeur . freeman , reprising his role from the play , plays the chauffeur , hoke . the film chronicles the warm friendship that slowly but surely blossoms between the chauffeur and his reluctant passenger . driving miss daisy is a movie about human nature , aging , prejudice , and a great many other things , but more than anything it's about a relationship : one that spans 25 years , 4 cars , the advent of civil rights , and one gravely important 33 cent can of salmon . daisy is strong-willed and set in her ways , and , from the outset , she is utterly opposed to the idea of having a chauffeur . initially , she treats hoke with contempt , refusing to let him drive her anywhere . once she does get in the car , daisy is the ultimate back-seat driver . to make matters worse , she is extremely self-conscious about what others might think if they were to see her being escorted around town by a hired hand . eventually , however , daisy is worn down by hoke's good-natured charm and infectious cheer ; she softens and opens up to him . tandy plays the part of daisy exceedingly well , but unfortunately this feisty , cantankerous character is just a smidgen too commonplace . we've seen this woman countless times before in other incarnations , from on golden pond to cocoon . nevertheless , tandy manages to put enough of a personal stamp on the familiar character to make it her own . freeman , as hoke , on the other hand , gives the more distinctive of the two performances . there is something profoundly moving about the way hoke maintains his pride and dignity in a society which forbids him from using public rest rooms because of his skin color . hoke is uneducated and illiterate , but freeman always suggests that there is something more to this man , an inner strength beneath the simpleton exterior . both freeman and tandy seem to be in their element , in full command of their natural charisma . they flirt with the camera and dominate scenes without overtly calling attention to themselves . they bring a light touch to their humorous banter and to the movie's gentle humor . at the same time , tandy and freeman provide more than a few moments of truly poignant drama . in his first dramatic role , dan aykroyd is surprisingly chubby and unexpectedly effective as boolie , tandy's loving and patient son . drama seems to agree with aykroyd ; taking a break from comedy seems like a good move for the actor , especially when you consider the wretched comedies he has made recently ( ghostbusters ii , the great outdoors , my stepmother is an alien ) . the only other significant characters in the film are daisy's housekeeper , idella , marvelously played by esther rolle ( " good times " ) , and boolie's pretentious wife , played by patti lupone . under the direction of bruce beresford ( crimes of the heart , tender mercies ) , driving miss daisy seems a bit stagey now and again . but fortunately , beresford never forgets he's shooting a movie , and accordingly , he offers plenty of striking cinematic touches , such as gorgeous shots of flowers , trees , and tomatoes . in adapting driving miss daisy from the stage to the screen , the filmmakers have achieved a delicate subtlety . uhry understands that what his characters do not say can be just as important as what they do say . beresford wisely exercises restraint in the film's dramatic moments . the movie tugs at your heart , but it never goes for the jugular . the only sap in driving miss daisy is in the trees . when people are talking about good old times , they actually want to make some bad times look better . nice example of such behaviour is contemporary attitude of popular media towards the 1970s . for new generations , superseventies are the lost golden age of chic fashion , cult tv shows and sexual freedom unchecked by aids . for people who actually had to live in that period , it was the gloomy decade , marked by lost ideals of 1968 , rampant inflation and unemployment , international terrorism , fuel crisis and loss of faith in almost anything that previous generation stood for . feelings of despair and nihilism found its reflections in many films of that era . martin scorsese's taxi driver , which symbolises both the glory and despair of the seventies , is most celebrated of them all . the movie's protagonist is travis bickle ( robert de niro ) , 26-year old former marine who takes the job of taxi driver in new york city because he can't sleep at nights . the job gets him exposed to the dark side of apocalyptic megalopolis , and travis gradually gets alienated from the rest of world . the only bright spot in his life is betsy ( cybil sheperd ) , attractive woman working in senator palantine's presidential campaign . their date ends as humiliating fiasco because travis makes fatal mistake by inviting her to porno movie theatre . losing his only link to better side of the world , travis gradually descends into psychosis , becoming convinced that his mission in life is to battle scum on the street . he purchases a formidable arsenal of guns and begins physical preparations for the inevitable conflict . that conflict finally comes when he takes personal interest in iris ( jodie foster ) , 12-year old prostitute who temporarily took refuge in his taxi . as many great movies that got cult status through the years , taxi driver became the object of many interpretations . for some critics and scholars it is an exploration of universal subjects that date back to dostoyevski - loss of moral compass in a bleak reality of dirty , overpopulated industrial cities ; the story could have been set in 19th century same as in our times . for others , the movie uses raskolnikov-like figure in order to portray burning problems of 1970s america - its apparent inability to deal with the consequences of rapid social changes that occurred in previous decade . brilliant performance of robert de niro in role of a lifetime can give arguments for both sides . his travis bickle has a lot in common with most of the average viewers of today - many of us share his feelings of isolation , loneliness and outrage towards crime , drugs , prostitution and senseless street violence . his pathetic attempts to establish some kind of human connection with the people around him , sometimes in most unusual circumstances - like with secret service agents , pimps or job interviewers - make him a person too goofy to be the hero , and too pathetic to be the classic villain . however , most of the average viewers are sensible enough to recognise the tin line that separate concerned citizens or troubled souls from fanatical madmen . but despite anything , average viewer at the end actually cheers for travis - his crusade against " scum " is something that average person wants , but doesn't have a stomach/lack of brains to do it . while de niro's travis might come in and out of particular times and places , other persons that appear in the film ( mostly played by the character actors ) give it distinctively 1970s feel . wizzard ( played by peter boyle ) presents the only link with america's better past ; but only because he is the oldest taxi driver in company and therefore everybody assumes that he " knows stuff " . his obvious inadequacy in giving advice to troubled travis illustrates the inability of pre-1960s generations to find answers to the problems of gloomy decade . other characters , on the other hand , show the bad side of new age . matthew " sport " ( keitel , who befriended real-life pimps in other to prepare for his role of a lifetime ) is dressed like a hippie ; iris found excuse for her escape to the world of drugs and child prostitution in a ideology of counterculture . porno movies , that should be the element of new times of sexual freedom , are too much even for supposedly " liberated " betsy . even the politicians , like senator palantine , are lost in post-vietnam and post-watergate mess ; his broad and senseless " messages " that cover the lack of any serious program can't fool even such idiots like travis . the past is gone , the present is bad , and even the future seems bleak , and the feeling of pessimism can't be washed away even by ironic happy end . travis and his world found themselves in a desperate situation , and martin scorsese uses the best of his cinematic skills in order to spill the gloom of schrader's screenplay into the silver screen . new york city in the night is portrayed as a hell on earth , and the red light and steam coming out of sewers give it surreal , almost stygian atmosphere . another important element of the atmosphere is score of great bernard herrman , whose efficient use of jazz elements gives some melancholy that softens the brutality of motion picture . one of the greatest ironies of taxi driver is the fact that the movie was , same as his protagonist , famous for the wrong reason . instead of receiving cult status because of his artistic merits , for many years it was tabloid-fodder because of hinckley and his real-life re-enactment of events in the movie . now , more than two decades later , when some other " life imitating art " incidents get more attention , we can finally enjoy taxi driver in all its artistic glory . note : ordinarily , moviereviews . org will not give away any critical plot points of a film that could be interpreted as " spoilers . " however , being that music of the heart is based on a true story and that moviereviews . org feels the film can not be properly credited without such revelations , plot giveaways will appear in the following review . if this bothers you , please note the 3 star rating of the film and stop reading now . " what does it take to play carnegie hall ? practice . " it takes two hours for music of the heart to " play carnegie hall , " both figuratively and literally . like the children it portrays , the movie starts from the dark realms of awful cinema and works its way up to a show-stopping performance at the legendary concert hall . roberta guaspari ( academy award winner meryl streep ) has two kids , a husband who left her and 50 violins she bought from a small shop in the mediterranean . her life desperately needs a jump start and gets one when she meets a man who introduces her to a job as a music teacher at an east harlem elementary school . she soon finds her job is on the rocks as the men in her life continue to rotate through revolving doors . that is the pattern-like plot of this production . ultimately , the film chooses a zero-sum answer to these problems and finds her music career at an all-time high when the men in her life finally vanish . the first hour of music of the heart is rather painful . roberta's character lacks development and consequently seems to be flat . also lacking depth is the film's " bad guy , " a narrow-minded music teacher ( josh pais ) who rejects roberta out of principle ( the movie never explains exactly which principle that is ) and conveniently comes and goes from the plot according to when it might be dramatic to have a villain around . the next 15 minutes of the film are mediocre . they are highlighted by one child's return to roberta's class ( coming after the great old hollywood scene where he explains be can't be around anymore because " my mom said . . . " ) and a glowing concert . not knowing the running time , you may expect the credits to role at this point . but they don't . instead the film uses the next 45 minutes to finish its journey from bad to mediocre to excellent . director wes craven , known for his works of horror , uses some old sentimental tricks to get the audience tearing . one romantic break up scene is highlighted by the classic " but . . . last night . . . " and roberta's two children also have textbook conflicts with their single mother regarding their father's absence . the city of harlem plays a strong role in the movie . roberta's mother is initially reluctant to see her daughter move to that part of town and the film does nothing to combat that stereotype . the noise tracks for these scenes are dominated by sirens ; predictably one of roberta's students is gunned down and killed off screen . one thing the film does lack is subtlety . the fact that a little boy was playing " we shall overcome " on his violin after the aforementioned shooting was a cute and discreet reference . the fact that the entire orchestra begins to play it over and over soon after is an overdone reference that shows how little credit he gives the audience . ( of course , in horror films the foreshadowing and between-the-line moments are meant to be overdone , so perhaps he too is just learning to play the game . ) even with all its flaws , music of the heart is a beautiful film . that is not an excuse for the movie's poor beginning . but as i watched the scenes in carnegie hall , i thought of some of the great acts that have taken that stage . in december of 1979 a comedian named andy kaufman put on a show that will forever be remembered as one of the most original in theatre history . the performance included a dead-on elvis impression , robin williams in disguise and a moment at the end when kaufman announced he would take the whole audience out for milk and cookies . so , how did this comic genius choose to open the show of his life ? he had a character named tony clifton take the stage for the sole purpose of irritating and angering the audience . perhaps it is okay for music of the heart to start off rusty because just as kaufman had santa's favorite food , this movie has an amazing finale . seen april 16 , 1999 at 10 p . m . at crossgates cinema 18 ( guilderland , n . y . ) , theater #15 , by myself for free using my hoyts' critic's pass . [theater rating : * * * 1/2 : very good seats , sound and picture] do you realize that every time you encounter a new person you've just become part of a story ? everyone has their own life story , both past and present , and every time two or more interact , they become part of each others' story ( not necessarily an important or even significant part , but a part nevertheless ) . that seems to be the basic theory behind `go , ' where several characters' chance encounters all effect each other in extreme ways . in order to test this theory screenwriter john august and director doug liman assemble a cast of characters that wouldn't usually be the types to have an entire film revolve around them , such as a teenage supermarket cashier , a bottom-of-the-drug-food-chain dealer and two struggling soap opera actors . these types of characters might not sound all that original , but consider that they will all be somehow effected by a strip club bouncer and his psychotic father , a mid-level drug dealer , a narc obsessed with multi-level-marketing , horny wedding guests , a zen lovemaker , two shrimp-scarfers and a cute normal teenage girl to round things out . how they will all come together is the process the film deals with . i'd imagine the concept to the film started out as the creators' testing themselves to see if they could actually pull it off and the outcome is a terrific achievement in filmmaking and the craft of fiction in general . the film starts out as anything else , with little indication of what's to come . we meet ronna ( polley ) , a depressed los angeles checkout girl who doesn't seem to have much desire to do anything except work just to pay her rent . she's not very charming , especially to her customers , but this is played mostly for laughs rather than characterization and it works . maybe this is because she's not a very afeminite character , but she's far from masculine - a creative character indeed . things start to progress when ronna reluctantly agrees to take the hours of the goofy , hyperactive , yet likable simon ( askew ) , an english teen into vices for the sake of the experiences . this agreement starts a three-pronged storyline as it allows simon to go to las vegas for the weekend with his friends and in turn drags ronna and her friends into buying and selling an experimental drug . the process of which will not only bring ronna close to being arrested but also to death . nearly the same can be said for two other characters , zack ( mohr ) and adam ( wolf ) , who we don't think much of when they first appear as supporting characters , but later will become major players to the film's makeup - another process used by the filmmakers to elaborate on the theory of how significant insignificant interaction might be . once the pace is picked up the film really begins to show its mettle . when the title screen `ronna' is flashed shortly after the aforementioned turning point scene , it's clear this film isn't going to employ the standard linear method of storytelling . considering how good it is up until that point , it's a long overdue change of pace needed in movies today . and so the film begins to take shape , first by following ronna and her friends on a one-night adventure that begins with a drug deal instigated by zack and adam ( who were actually looking for simon ) , which doesn't exactly go as planned , but that's what keeps it all so interesting . the second storyline starts at the same moment as ronna's story , but this time the camera chooses to follow simon instead . simon and his three friends head to ? vegas for a night on the town and in the process experience things they never would have imagined . the third arc , about zack and adam , again overlaps with ronna's story telling much of the same story but from a completely different angle . we're shown things we never would have expected were going on while following ronna . and many of the events that do happen to ronna because of zack and adam aren't even their fault - they just happened to be where they were when they were . i'd really like to dissect each of the three storylines and especially how the film wraps up in the end , but that would take up too much time and space and spoil everything for those who haven't seen the film . perhaps the greatest element to the film is its constant surprises and unpredictability , and not due to plot twists or a confusing screenplay , just through great filmmaking . still , i can list and analyze nearly everything the film does so well : ? direction : trying to piece together such a complex story is no easy task and for a rookie filmmaker such as liman , it's a great accomplishment . he doesn't just depict a story , he wraps us up in it all , pulling us into the fray so that we experience every high and low . ? screenplay : besides being chiseled with detail and creative in general , it's clear the script has been inspired by many sources , with both obvious and subtle references , yet it never screams `rip-off . ' ? tone/mood : where other hollywood films have failed to bring the charm of the independents to the mainstream , this one is able to create its own sense of the macabre . it's not overly-dark or twisted and the comedy isn't so satirical for it to be considered a black comedy , more like `macabre light . ' ? cinematography/art direction : able to photograph both the intense and the lighthearted in the same manner . ? characterization : for nearly every character introduced , no matter what role they play in the big picture , we're able to get a sense of who they are , what they're thinking and how they came to be in their situations . even when their actions are surprising , it never seems very out of synch . ? performances : every actor nails their role ( see above ) . ? theme/theory : the film doesn't seem to be concerned with conveying any kind of political or social messages , instead , it's more of a philosophical experiment . in fact , it might not have meant to do that intentionally , but there definitely is something existential to it all . . . . and to think that `go' is just a big comedy and adventure ! ( 4/23/99 ) [see also : `the big lebowski , ' `clerks , ' `jackie brown , ' `pulp fiction , ' `true romance ; ' also by liman : `swingers'] mars attacks ! ( 1996 ) - c : jack nicholson , glenn close , annette bening , martin short , danny devito , rod steiger , pierce brosnan , sarah jessica parker , michael j . fox , jim brown , pam grier , joe don baker , natalie portman , christina applegate , lisa marie , tom jones . this is director tim burton's finest film to date . many will compare this tale of martians who invade earth to independence day , but even though the stories are similar , they really are two distinctly different films . however as a whole , mars attacks is much more entertaining than id4 , and i loved id4 . you really have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy this film . it is completely wacked-out and unlike anything you've ever seen . once the silly tone of the film is set , it's easy to just sit back and throw logic out the window because logic and comedy just don't mix . the plot is simple : martians invade the earth . but it's different than any other invasion film . usually it's the evil aliens versus the heroic humans . this time however , it's the goofy aliens versus the equally goofy humans . the martians , who are all computer generated , are just about the funniest things i've seen in a long time . they look funny , they move funny , and their " language " is hilarious . and about the special effects . the effects in mars attacks ! are just about the most flawless ones i've seen to date . the computer animation of the martians combined with the goofy personalities they are given makes them seem 100% real . there are just a couple of scenes that don't work , mainly those involving sarah jessica parker and pierce brosnan on board an alien ship . also , glenn close overacts tremendously in her ( thankfully ) very limited screen time , so much so that i actually applauded silently when her character meets her demise . but there are many big laughs in the film , as i said , if you are in the right mood . could it have been funnier ? certainly . was it funny enough ? yes . was i entertained ? absolutely . on a personal note , i'd like to thank whomever cast rod steiger ( my favorite actor ) in the film as war-crazy general decker . finally , after many very small parts in direct to video garbage and minor tv roles , steiger is back on the big screen in a real movie that many people will see . while he's not given the type of role that you can give a real " performance " in , he does the job well and has some good lines of dialogue . the preview audience i saw the film with really seemed to enjoy him . when i was asked to see this movie with a friend , my initial reaction was ? not hugh grant ! ' i was perhaps wrong to be so harsh , but after his insidious flirtation with a street hooker , i just could not picture him in any romantic lead . what makes this movie a wonderful experience is not the fact it stars hugh , but because it stars julia and carries with it a brilliantly written script . this writer richard curtis , whose exceptional first work ? four weddings and funeral' shows us that he is a master in the domain of the romantic comedy , with splashes of drama thrown in between . hugh and his hair , is almost identical to the character that made him famous in ? four weddings' . he plays an ordinary guy who is down and out on his luck . unfortunately , he is type cast in this role , but fortunately it works well for him in this movie . if only he would dither a little less . julia knows this role well . the glamorous movie star who is searching for true love . there are moments in this movie , that you almost weep for her pain felt loneliness . how sad it must be to be so wealthy and beautiful , but to have no one to share it with . the writer deals with difficult issues of love and social class on various levels . how differences in social standing can make it almost impossible for love to grow in such a harsh environment . how the media can be as cruel as it can be attentive , and how fulfilment in life and love can be found in forgiveness and sacrifice . you'd think it would be easy to spoof star trek , but try spoofing it without cruelly mocking it . that's a bit more difficult . the farfetched sci-fi series is , after all , enormously popular , what with its gigantic fan base and ongoing installments both on television and in movies . if you're not nice to it , you lose . galaxy quest is to star trek what mel brooks's spaceballs was to star wars , an affectionate , riotously funny parody that freely takes jabs at various elements of its subject but never seems mean-spirited or malintentioned . " the show's been cancelled , but the journey is far from over . " that is the current tagline of " galaxy quest , " a star trek - type show that's no longer produced but lives on forever in reruns . it also lives on in conventions , gatherings of the show's obsessive fans who never fail to dress in " galaxy quest " costumes and ask absurdly logical questions about its delirious technobabble . jason nesmith ( tim allen ) played " commander peter quincy taggart " on the show and is the only one of the cast who still gets excited about the gigs they have to do . the attitudes of the rest -- tommy webber ( daryl mitchell , gwen demarco ( sigourney weaver ) , fred kwan ( tony shalhoub ) and alexander dane ( alan rickman ) -- range from indifference to utter contempt . dane , who played a spock-like alien , is especially disgusted , considering himself above his demeaning job and stubbornly refusing to recite his character's cheesy trademark line " by grabthar's hammer , you shall be avenged " ( or something like that ) for his die-hard fans . one day , nesmith is greeted by an especially fanatical group of " galaxy quest " followers . they are actually aliens from a planet known as thermia . they have mistaken the " galaxy quest " episodes for historical documentation of actual heroic space travel . the next day , the thermians whisk nesmith away to a spaceship to help them defeat the evil sarris ( named , in one of the film's only mean-spirited gags , after village voice film critic andrew sarris ) . nesmith thinks it is only an elaborate gig , and sort of blows it off , but when he is transported -- or i should say shot -- back to earth in a rather celestial manner , he believes . next thing the cast knows , they are being dragged by nesmith to this spaceship . of course , they all think he is out of his mind and once he does convince them that there really is a spaceship , what they want to do is get out of there as fast as the transporters will take them . but after some persuading , they stay on to fight the icky sarris and find a way to provide a peaceful existance for the flailing thermians . i was quite surprised how well this comedy , which came off as utterly brainless from its marketing campaign , worked . taking shots at both the obvious and not-so-obvious elements of star trek and its fandom , galaxy quest never goes for cheap laughs , opting instead for broad but smart parody . nothing is safe -- not the cliches , not the fans , not the absurd taglines -- but on the other hand , everything is safe , since galaxy quest treats its subject with utter respect and sometimes even subtle admiration . the highlight of the movie is tony shalhoub's fred a . k . a . tech sergeant chen who , when in character , is the complete opposite of scotty from the original star trek . while scotty , who was the technician for the enterprise would constantly yell " i need more power down here captain ! " , chen's cry for help is more to the tune of " the core , like , won't take it or something . " it's a hoot , but it doesn't stop there : weaver , whose character has the menial task of repeating everything the computer says and rickman , with his relentlessly holier-than-thou attitude aren't far behind . galaxy quest succeeds as a funny parody of star trek and while it's not a masterpiece -- it tends to falter in its more serious moments -- it is immensely entertaining fluff and excellent counterprogramming to all the sober oscar contenders being released this holiday season . by grabthar's hammer , this is a hell of a movie . in my review of there's something about mary , i said something to the effect of " laughter isn't everything . " i now need to make a brief addendum to my postulate : laughter isn't everything , unless i'm watching a jim abrahams film . see , spoofs are easy with me . i love movies , and i love movies that make fun of movies that i love . sometimes i'm the only one in the theater laughing . sometimes i laugh so hard that i embarass myself because my laugh is so high-pitched in comparison to my speaking voice ( it cuts right through everyone else's laughter ) . sometimes i laugh so much that my cheekbones are sore by the end of the film . abraham's latest film , mafia ! , induced this kind of hysteria upon me . it's gotten some mediocre reviews , but , hey , i'm the guy who laughs at everything . there may be a lot of jokes that flop in this film , but there are far more that work , and i laughed so frequently that the failed jokes usually occurred as i was recovering from the previous bout of giddy madness . i enjoy films like this because not one second of it is serious or thought-provoking . most lighweight films that pose as comedies try to do other things , like develop characters , shape stories , and other such nonsense . mafia ! has no pretentions about characters or story , and it exists for no other reason than to make people laugh . the film begins on the perfect high note , with a mockery of the opening of casino . our hero ( jay mohr ) is seen walking from a casino and getting into his car , which subsequently explodes and sends him flying through the air against a backdrop of flowing fire . to describe the story of mafia ! is absurd and pointless , but i will mention that it basically follows the framework of the godfather films , with a lot of casino references inserted throughout . along the way , the parodies seem arbitrary , and rarely victimize mob films : pictures like the english patient , forrest gump , and jaws undergo severe and hilarious bashing . movies like this rely on just a few things , but the most important element is direction . abrahams has been down this path many times before ( hot shots ! , top secret ! , airplane ! , and any other film with an exclamation point in the title ) , and so i hold most of the success of mafia ! to his experience . he takes just the right attitude in each scene , and manages to wring at least a bit laughter out of even the most oddly placed references ( one inexplicable moment seems like it wants to make fun of titanic , but it never develops ) . the actors are all energetic , which helps a lot with the tone of the film . mohr ( suicide kings , paulie ) , who is quickly becoming one of my favorite actors , is so good here . he looks like he's having so much fun that he's containing his laughter in every scene ( watch his face in the sequence by the swimming pool ) . he's probably the only performer in the cast who manages to urge laughter without the help of the material . lloyd bridges does a decent imitation of brando's godfather , while pamela gidley is dead-on in a full-blown mockery of sharon stone . the hard thing about writing reviews for comedies is that i'm supposed to give examples of things and be specific . unfortunately , i was so constantly blindsided by laughter during mafia ! that i can't remember a lot of what made me laugh . but that's a good sign : mafia ! is so funny that i wasn't even given time to apply any of the scenes to memory . i laughed so hard that it shut off my brain . i know that doesn't sound particularly complimentary , but when watching a dumb comedy like this , the first thing i want to do is shut off my brain . finally , a film that does this for me . showgirls is the second major outing for the production team of pual verhoeven , director , and joe eszterhas , writer . their last effort , basic instinct , played like the most sumptuous of classic hitchcock , with a dash of raw sex and sensuality that made it come across with a hit like curry-spiced tabasco sauce ; a dish not to everyone's taste , but certainly a well-crafted movie . possibly that movie's greatest strength was that the most important events happened offstage , prior to the movie , during the movie , and after the movie . . . and that , after bringing all the plotlines together neatly , it left the viewer with full knowledge of what * would * happen in the characters' future , so there was no need to film it . there was actually about four hours' worth of screen story there , but eszterhas found ways to get it all on-screen in two , by leading his audience into analyzing what was really going on ; and by still holding their interest with clever misdirection and false trails . the major elements that made basic instinct work so well are present in showgirls . we have attractive , sympathetic , but still highly repellent characters ; we have shows for the eyes and the ears , plotlines that play on several levels , we have beautifully delineated characters who are drawn from life and very believable , and we have a story of an innocent ( who may not be so innocent ) who's trying to play straight , trying to improve her station in life , who slips into behaving the way those around her do . . . but recovers with a flourish , and quits a winner . in this sense , the movie is a bit of a departure for verhoeven , who's not known for treating his characters well ; but nomi , the part played by elizabeth berkley , definitely opts out of the game in a positive way , and we're left feeling good about her future . this is not one of the great movies , but it's far better than we'd been led to expect by all the negative pre-release publicity . verhoeven got his first oscar nomination in 1971 , and in the last quarter-century has pushed farther and farther , experimenting with the socially-acceptable limits to movie-making . his most recent three movies , robocop , total recall , and basic instinct , have been a progression of back-door access to american culture , moving from the fantastic through the merely psychotic to the underlying basic drives ; and now he's exploring the sleeze . this movie may be the first movie ever made for which the director's contract contained a specific provision that he would not have to deliver an r rated movie . ( verhoeven had to cut several parts of basic instinct to get an r rating , although his original version is available on video . ) many reviewers have taken the politically-correct stance that any movie which uses naked ladies as scenery is a bad thing ; but they miss the fact that this movie is not about naked ladies , it's about people in an environment where naked ladies are common , and why such an environment should exist . it's about the scum who use other people as power-trip toys , and the need to escape their power . it's about a world where sex is nothing and normal human values don't pertain ; and the lack of sexual excitement and passionate heat in even the most blatant scenes is something of an accomplishment . an nc-17 movie which isn't sexually exciting says a great deal about the phoniness and emptiness of a social stratum where sex has been robbed of any kind of beauty , power , or value . the one scene in the movie that * could * have been a good sex scene , berkley and maclachlan in a swimming pool , is not exciting , because by then we already know his character is a callous manipulator . if anything , it's a rape scene with a victim who's been duped into cooperation . you don't make a movie about the history of black people in america without using a few black actors ; you don't make a movie about world war ii without a few guns going off and a few people getting killed ; and you don't make a movie about las vegas showgirls without showing a few las vegas showgirls . . . and in an awful lot of vegas shows , an awful lot of ladies wear very little clothing . this is a legitimate portrayal of a rather seamy side of the entertainment industry , in a town where sex is simply a negotiable commodity . showgirls de-glamorizes the las vegas show and sex industries with great effectiveness . nomi is played , in a very good performance , by elizabeth berkley , who gives us a solid picture of a woman with limited talents who's at the end of her rope , desperate to live a life better than the one she's known . she has nothing to market except her body and her limited dancing ability , and is trying desperately not to to be a hooker , trying to be something better than she seems destined to be . when nomi realizes she's gone too far for too little , she catches herself just in time to save the most essential part of who she wants to be . gina rivera plays molly , a dressmaker and costumer who befriends nomi , providing her with what may be the one solid , positive relationship in nomi's entire life . molly is the one who makes the difference , and provides the role model and framework nomi needs to verify the value system she'll be using for the rest of her life , and nomi's feelings for molly are the spur that forces nomi's decision . gina gershon plays cristal , an aging , but still very attractive starring dancer , a reflexively competitive manipulator who's become a villainess by internalizing the ethos of the crooks and scum around her . gershon plays cristal as a cross between ava gardner and raquel welch ; a fading talent made bitter by self-awareness . her character is very well drawn and performed ; in a major scene in a hospital room , she acknowledges what she is , and , in essence , passes the torch to nomi . the relationship between the two of them is the most honest one in the movie , and provides part of the impetus nomi needs to follow a different path . it is no accident that the three important parts in this movie are women of different stripe ; molly is an honest , hard-working person who means well , and nearly dies because she confuses the glitter and the image with reality . cristal is a talented dancer who's compromised her ideals and sold herself to be a co-operating part of the system , exchanging self-respect for the species of stardom that can be had in las vegas . nomi believes she can make it without selling herself , succumbs to a degree , and then realizes she can make it without selling herself , and doesn't need las vegas or its brand of " stardom . " the male parts in this movie are simply props ; they exist only to demonstrate and explicate the cultural milieu against which showgirls exist . kyle maclachlan , whose single best previous work was as an inhumanly emotionless cop in the hidden , gives us a nicely reptilian bit of pond scum on two legs , camouflaged as a nice guy . glenn plummer plays a dancer who's working as a bellboy , and provides a bit of alternate perspective . plummer's character is the only one in the movie who's maintaining an interest in dance as a performing art , but even he's succumbed to the cult of manipulation . plummer's character is the closest thing to a sympathetic male character in the whole movie . some of jost vacano's cinematography is fantastic , and one particular delineation of nomi's character alteration , a no-dialog scene using nothing but color changes in the lighting , is utterly terrifying . this movie is rated nc-17 due to language , sexual situations , full frontal nudity , violence , and probably the costuming as well . i don't see a way this particular story could have been told well without it , and i regard it as a legitimate exercise in movie-making . but don't go see it if you're not in a tough mood ; the only person it's possible to like in this movie ends up in an i . c . u . on life support , and there is probably not one character in this movie you'd enjoy meeting in person . it has been three long years since quentin tarantino stunned the cinema world by claiming the cannes film festival's palme d'or , a $100 million-plus box office gross , and an oscar nomination ? all for his sophomore outing , pulp fiction . since then , the talented film maker has been virtually invisible , surfacing briefly as a co-director of the wildly uneven four rooms and the screenwriter of the gory vampire-fest , from dusk till dawn . in between , he has moonlighted as an " actor " with several decidedly unmemorable performances . now , with much fanfare and anticipation , tarantino has returned with his third directorial effort , jackie brown . and , while this motion picture , adapted from elmore leonard's novel , rum punch , offers solid entertainment , those expecting another bravura outing from tarantino will leave theaters disappointed . for the most part , jackie brown is a pretty ordinary crime movie . the story , which starts out slowly , develops into a twisty affair , with double-crosses and triple-crosses . and the movie is littered with occasional tarantino trademarks : witty dialogue , unexpected gunfire , '70s pop tunes , and close-ups of womens' bare feet . yet , for all of that , the production is something of a letdown . the sheer , in-your-face exuberance that marked reservoir dogs and especially pulp fiction is absent . the mostly-straightforward chronology of jackie brown doesn't match up favorably to the non-linear style of tarantino's previous efforts ? an approach that added tension and edginess to the narratives . and there aren't nearly as many deliciously offbeat conversations this time around . there's a samuel l . jackson monologue about guns , a jackson/chris tucker argument regarding the merits of hiding in a car trunk , and a jackson/robert de niro exchange that recalls some of the jackson/travolta material from pulp fiction , but that's about it . jackie brown's lone " innovation " is its presentation of a crucial sequence from three different perspectives . this isn't exactly an original technique ? it has been done numerous times before , most famously in akira kurosawa's rashomon and most recently in edward zwick's courage under fire . however , while in those two movies ( and others ) , there was a legitimate plot reason for the multiple points-of- view , tarantino's sole purpose for using it appears to be because it's unconventional . had the scenes in question been shown from only one of the three vantages , nothing would have been lost . as a result , this aspect of the film is little more than a curiosity . for the second picture in a row , tarantino is attempting to revive the career of a '70s icon . this time around , instead of john travolta , it's blaxploitation queen pam grier ( foxy brown has become jackie brown ) . in one of many nods to the most famous segment of grier's career , tarantino uses a '70s song to accompany her first appearance during the opening credits . there are also several instances during jackie brown when the director offers a sly wink towards certain conventions of the blaxploitation genre ( although grier never does any butt-kicking ) . grier is jackie brown , a flight attendant who gets caught transporting drugs and money into the united states . she's working for gun dealer ordell robbie ( samuel l . jackson ) , but she keeps her mouth shut under questioning , despite pressure from ray nicolet ( michael keaton ) , a federal official . no longer sure whether or not he can trust jackie , ordell arranges for a bail bondsman , max cherry ( robert forster , tv's " banyon " ) to post the necessary $10 , 000 , then plans to shoot jackie if she proves disloyal . jackie passes ordell's test , however , and soon the two of them are plotting a way to smuggle $500 , 000 of ordell's money into the united states without tipping off the feds . soon , just about everyone is after that money , including jackie , max , ray , ordell's perpetually oversexed and drugged-out girlfriend , melanie ( bridget fonda ) , and his right-hand man , louis ( robert de niro ) . unsurprisingly , the most memorable performance is turned in by samuel l . jackson , but ordell isn't nearly as invigorating or compelling a character as jules from pulp fiction . in addition to looking fantastic , pam grier is also quite good , although hers is not an oscar- caliber performance ( although she might get a nomination ) . robert forster and michael keaton are solid in their tough-guys-who-rarely- smile roles . bridget fonda is around for three discernible reasons : to look sexy in a bikini , to provide a little twisted comedy , and to satisfy tarantino's foot fetish . robert de niro is criminally underused in a part that could have been played equally well by any grungy- looking , middle-aged actor . the film , which clocks in at several minutes over the two-and-a- half hour mark , is probably too long for the material , but the plot is convoluted enough to keep us guessing throughout ( although the payoff is a letdown ) . tarantino keeps things moving along nicely , with a heavier dose of humor and less violence than in pulp fiction , but , on the whole , this movie seems more like the work of one of his wannabes than something from the director himself . when it comes to recent caper films ( like the grifters and bound ) , jackie brown is a second-tier effort . it's an entertaining diversion , but not a masterpiece , and certainly not an oscar contender . one of the biggest cliches of any serial killer film is also one of the most believable . you know , the one where the detective looks at a wall of pictures and other police information , and suddenly spots the clue which reveals who the killer is . sure , it's been used over and over , but for some reason , it is always fun to watch . this cliche pretty much describes the level kiss the girls works on : overused , but always fun . one of my personal rules about watching a film is not how original the film is , but how it goes around giving its story . this rule applies highly to kiss the girls . there is something psychologically stimulating in a well-crafted serial killer movie , and kiss the girls is certainly well made . however , the whole film screams of unoriginality , and so it relies on the power of its actors and the technical detail to pull it through . well , not only are the actors capable of pulling it through , but they add so much to the film that nearly every flaw is covered up . unfortunately , one of the most revealing and rather insulting choices by the filmmakers ( one that seven , a film a lot like this one , knew not to make ) was to put the name of the killer in the opening credits . that may give the actor credit for the role , but throughout the film , hidden in my mind , i was waiting for him to appear on screen , which spoiled the mystery . however , credit must be given to the director for suspending this knowledge through most of the film . plotwise , kiss the girls shows almost no originality . we are introduced to detective alex cross ( morgan freeman ) , a forensic psychologist , and immediately we are given the cliched scene establishing him as the hero . he gets a call about a woman who has shot her husband and is now threatening to kill herself . obviously cross succeeds at getting the gun , but this scene is quickly forgotten during the next scene . at his house , cross is told that his neice , naomi ( gina ravera ) , has been missing for four days . this provides the motivation for cross to find the killer , but we are never given a chance to establish the relationship between the two , and as a result , we can't sympathize with detective cross . however , what makes kiss the girls slightly original is the introduction of one of the abductees . . . before she is abducted . dr . kate mctiernan ( ashley judd , the actress of the judd family ) is a smart , athletic woman , and because of these traits , becomes a target for casanova--what the serial killer likes to call himself . because of these character-developing scenes , we care for mctiernan , making the abduction scene all that more suspenseful . after being abducted , mctiernan wakes up and finds herself in a cell somewhere in the woods . remembering that the killer gave her certain rules , she decides to break one of them by calling out . when casanova comes to punish her , she breaks out and escapes by jumping over a waterfall . after she is found , she begins to help cross find his neice . from this moment on , kiss the girls takes on the form of every other serial killer film , as the two leads search for the rest of the victims held captive . many people will compare this film to 1995's seven , another killer film starring morgan freeman , but i presume that the similarities are intentional . the screenplay , by david klass , is adapted from the novel written by james patterson , and yet i don't quite see how this story could have worked in novel form . what makes kiss the girls so good is the acting and the technical and visual impressiveness . the cinematography , by aaron schneider , is reminiscient of seven , and sometimes i felt that many of the shots were trying too hard to impress us . sometimes a simple shot is the best one . however , many of the shots are stunning , and unlike seven , most of them take place during the day , in sunlight . the scene when ashley judd is running through the forest is extremely well done , in more than one way . the camera work is terrific , but the editing makes this scene work so well . the chaotic and mtv-type cutting gives the audience a sense of confusion and unawareness , exactly what judd's character is experiencing . however , the best aspect of kiss the girls is its actors . morgan freeman is one of today's most powerful and believable actors . detective cross is a very good character for him , although it is just a similar one to the character in seven . because of freeman's powerful presence , he carries half the film by himself . the other half is carried by ashley judd , one of today's most promising dramatic actresses . in fact , her performance is better than freeman's , if that is even possible . her character is more original than freeman's , and she handles it wonderfully . we finally have a female character in a movie like this who does more than just scream . the supporting cast is highly underdeveloped , but the cast members do as much as they can with it . cary elwes portrays a cop in north carolina , and unfortunately has scraps for a character . tony goldwyn fairs slightly better , but we don't really get to know his character either . gina ravera gives a good performance , but again she isn't in many of the scenes . so as a result of all these small supporting parts , the weight of the film lies on the two leads , and they do a phenomenal job . some of the best acting of this genre , and some of the best acting of the year . two other essential aspects of the film are quite good . director gary fleder does a good job of controlling his actors , but the second half of the film loses believability , especially during the revelation of the killer . he also doesn't handle the suspenseful scenes as a better director would have , losing a lot of tension during many scenes . however , to his credit , he does manage a terrific first half . part of the blame falls on david klass . i'm sure the book developed many of the lesser characters more , but klass focuses on the two main parts . while this may give the two leads more screentime , many of the small characters are one-dimensional , and the killer , when revealed , is extremely implausible . thanks to the smart dialogue adapted from the novel , kiss the girls always seems intelligent . none of the conversations are laughable , and all move the plot forward without seeming forced . one of the biggest problems i had with the movie was the motive of the killer . i blame this mainly on the casting director , because the killer's motive is because of rejection from women ( or so i assume from the opening monologue ) , but the killer himself is very attractive ( one of my friends is a , shall we say , big admirer of the killer ) . kiss the girls is rated r for terror , violence , language , and suggested sex . with all the implausibilities of this film , and with the mediocre second half , kiss the girls somehow manages to thoroughly entertain . in fact , i had the urge to see it again just for the performances . the cinematography adds a lot of mood to the already creepy tone , and the script is usually smart . this is clearly one of those movies which rely on the acting to pull it through . morgan freeman is possibly today's most convincing actor , and ashley judd adds another notch on her acting belt . i must also say that i loved the ending . the showdown between good and evil was quite tense , and the resolution of the scene makes almost anyone cheer . perhaps it may not be possible , but most of the film isn't anyway . i was originally going to give the spanish prisoner two and half stars . from my first viewing , i noticed that david mamet's film was intense and clever at times but boring and cliched at other times especially at the beginning . from my second viewing however , i noticed that mamet's script was actually a masterpiece . the spanish prisoner , like the usual suspects or chinatown , begs for the viewer's complete attention . miss a scene or even a small detail , and you could miss the meaning of the entire film . also like the aforementioned films , it rewards its viewer for paying attention by delivering a surprising and memorable ending . mamet is success doing again what he once tackled in 1987 when he wrote and directed house of games . like his past gem , the spanish prisoner fools the audience as much ( or even more ) than the victim . because we were deceived just like the victim , we feel a strong attachment to the main character and consequently are more interested in the film . mamet has the talent of not completely ending a film gift wrapped , but rather leaving some ambiguity towards the end . the power that he has in forcing the viewer to determine who the good guys and bad guys are once the film is over , without giving a right answer , is unique and ingenious . the spanish prisoner will leave you seriously puzzled and intrigued . after seeing the film again , i noticed that the details mamet uses are so incredibly accurate it is frightening . his direction is very subtle ; as he leaves so many clues explaining what is going on and who is who but it is still very difficult to tell what exactly is happening even if you see all of them , or think you see all of them . the story follows a young up and coming businessman , joe ross , ( campbell scott ) who has just created a mysterious and lucrative " process " that everyone is trying to get their hands on . soon ross does not know who he can trust or who is after his " process . " through his journey ross meets a number of mysterious characters : the rich and popular jimmy dell , a secretary who has a huge crush on ross , and ross' boss mr . klein . played by steve martin , rebecca pidgeon , and ben gazarra respectively , the supporting cast is very solid especially martin , who deserved an oscar nomination for his commanding and manipulative role . the most interesting character in the film , though , was campbell scott's joe ross . the character's transformation from an ingenuous and polite rookie to a paranoid veteran is very apparent and justifiable . david mamet's script is so interesting because we know people don't actually talk like the characters in the film , yet we feel so connected to some of them . his beguiling style could fool any viewer up for the challenge . this is a must see , for those interested in solving a complex puzzle of a movie . an unhappy italian housewife , a lonely waiter , a goofy masseuse , lots of love , and gorgeous scenery all come together in bread and tulips , which proves charming despite its covering of predictable , well-worn material . the story concerns the aforementioned housewife , rosalba barletta ( licia maglietta ) who accidentally becomes separated from her immediate family while on vacation . instead of waiting for a ride home , rosalba opts not to go home to her italian town , but to instead hitchhike to venice . upon arriving , she tells her self-centered husband , mimmo ( an excellent antonio catania ) that she'll be home in a few days . of course , that doesn't happen , as rosalba quickly gains a level of independence that has been unattainable in her past life of scrubbing floors and buying groceries . in what seems like days , she moves in with lonely , suicidal waiter fernando ( bruno ganz ) , gets a job as a florist , learns the accordion , and befriends her neighbor -- a wacky holistic masseuse named grazia ( marina massironi ) . rosalba , who is first seen wearing a gaudy stretch pants outfit , starts wearing sexy dresses and getting closer to fernando . i can think of at least five other ( american ) movies ( including fried green tomatoes and an unmarried woman ) that are more than similar to bread and tulips . but maglietta and ganz , who act with restraint and care , help bread and tulips from becoming a tired retread . ganz plays the suicidal waiter role with a solemn , sometimes playful dignity that is a joy to watch , while maglietta never overreacts to her growing comfort with the outside world . throughout the movie , maglietta has an easygoing , confident demeanor , which makes it very easy to root for her and her growing attraction for ganz's character . the gorgeous scenery of moonlit town squares and sparkling rivers provides a perfect love story backdrop -- you just might want to ask the attractive stranger in the seat behind you for coffee after the lights come up . director and co-writer silvio soldini must get credit for sprinkling the movie with effective goofy humor . the cheap mimmo , desperate to find his wife ( after all , he needs his shirts ironed and his mistress won't do it ) , hires a job applicant ( giuseppe battiston ) at his bathroom supply firm to do the job . the reason ? mimmo discovers that the prospective plumber loves detective stories . the novice detective's various misfortunes , including him saying goodbye to his weepy mother , are very funny . unfortunately , there are flaws that somewhat spoil bread and tulips' cheery tone . rosalba is bothered by several surreal dreams during her time in venice , which bring the movie to a halt . it's like putting a gunfight in a nora ephron movie . several details in fernando's life also never get proper closure , including his suicidal tendencies . early in the movie , he nearly hangs himself before rosalba knocks on his apartment door . after that , fernando's step towards death is never made reference to , probably because soldini wanted to include a lukewarm , underdeveloped subplot about fernando's stormy past . it seems more like a desperate attempt to pump up the drama in a plot that doesn't need any . but there aren't a lot of overwhelming negatives in bread and tulips . the movie is fun and romantic , with beautiful scenery and characters whose lives we'd like to live if we had the nerve . . . or if our passports weren't missing . after the terminally bleak reservoir dogs and the brutally violent pulp fiction , jackie brown seems like something of a light-hearted departure for quentin tarantino . it's more of a ho-hum heist story with characters that speak the tarantino language . luckily , his showcase of actors convert every morsel of possible enjoyment onto the screen , and jackie brown has no trouble entertaining the average viewer . the story introduces us to a street-wise black woman named jackie brown ( pam grier ) , a flight attendant who smuggles money and drugs from one destination to another . she works for a bottom-of-the-barrel airline and receives a minimal salary . but one day , she is picked up by a pair of federal officials ( including michael keaton as the tough-nosed ray nicolet ) , and found with a handsome load of cash and a small bag of smuggled dope . jackie is working for a weapons dealer named ordell ( samuel l . jackson ) , who pays her bail money but suspects her of tipping off the feds about their operation . soon jackie and ordell are plotting a way to smuggle $500 , 000 through to them under nicolet's nose , with the help of ordell's oaf of a partner ( robert de niro ) and drugged-out lady friend ( bridget fonda ) . also entering the picture is a bail-bondsman named max cherry ( robert forster ) , who takes a liking to jackie and agrees at one point to make the situation even more complicated ( how i won't say ) . the big drop-off is undoubtedly the high point of jackie brown , in which numerous double-crosses take place and many clothing store bags ( filled with cash ) switch hands . it's unfortunate that tarantino takes his sweet time getting there , and doesn't offer anything extremely compelling while doing so . there are , as always , amusing exchanges between characters . the funniest repartee is between de niro and fonda , as he becomes annoyed with her constant bickering while making fun of his iq , or lack thereof . the most interesting relationship is between max and jackie . a 56-year old white bail bondsman and a 44-year old black flight attendant with believable chemistry ? you've got to commend the acting . jackie brown is a seriously dragged-out exercise enlivened by such fine acting . the film clocks in at a lengthy 2 hours , 35 minutes . tarantino's talky style manages to hold your attention heavily , but there are more than a few dramatic lapses and crucial lulls in the storyline . also , fans of the director should be prepared for a lighter side to appear . jackie brown has four major shootings , and two of those take place mostly off-screen , so don't be expecting a typical tarantino bloodbath . you can expect frequent foul language , mostly coming way of ordell , who ( much to the dismay of spike lee ) uses the `n' word as part of his regular vocabulary . the acting is the glue that holds everything together . grier , making a sudden comeback from her reign in the 1970's , is more than adequate for the title character . in fact , she's flat-out great . another comeback comes from former tv star robert forster , who does a grand job as max cherry , and is perfectly cast in doing so . michael keaton makes his presence felt , albeit in small but dignified moments , and de niro is ideal in playing the lug-head who goes over the edge . speaking of that , bridget fonda has relatively little to do as ordell's bikini-clad beach babe , and yet she manages to look fairly occupied . there's not a single sign of misplaced dialogue or snubbed line throughout the entire movie . which is a life-saver for mr . tarantino . the story barely holds together in the meantime , and we merely get a small tremor whenever there should be a defeaning earthquake . but oh well . jackie brown manages to be an enjoyable detour from quentin tarantino , even if it is lacking the glaring and original bite of his previous work . let's just hope that the director hasn't gone soft on us . upon taking a seat at the theater , and surveying the crowd , i soon realized that i was the only person under forty in the premises . i'm twenty-two , but have been accused of looking sixteen . yet as the film began , any consciousness of setting shifted to the home of five close-knit , yet troubled sisters . director pat o'connor ( inventing the abbots , circle of friends ) weaves a quiet yet affecting tale of loss , need , and the bonds between five sisters . the family is ruled by kate ( meryl streep ) , an unconsciously strict schoolteacher , who is completely conscious of the deterioration of her family . there is very little background given to the viewer , as we are thrust into a tense but loving home . squabbles take place one after the other , caused by years and years of history . perhaps one of the best things about this film , is its naturalness . no situation is over-wrought , and characters react as real people do , to real problems . this probably is a result of the film being from a stage play . the play was in turn is based on a time in the life of the playwright . what seems to be an underlying theme are the pagan rituals and dances of peoples , both in lughnasa and africa . in fact , dance seems to be the glue that holds the family together and most expressively shows their closeness . legs tap , and bodies sway even in the midst of impending disaster . only after the music stops , and the characters stand breathing heavily do we sense any trouble . in the quiet after the music we muse that it's sad that music has to cease , and families falter . the movie is framed by a scene of michael mundy , the narrator of the movie , as a young child flying a kite . he trips over a bump and loses hold of his string , and the kite floats off farther into the distance . drawn on the white diamond of the kite is a face that looks at once pained , and at another glance mischievous . the mundy family itself follows a similar fate to that of the kite , and kate's hold of the family isn't strong enough to hold off the winds of change . as michael stands , staring at his kite fly away , we hear the adult michael , looking back at the season that his world changed forever . the movie is not overpowering , but it gives us a beautiful window into the life , love , and trouble of a household of lonely women . note : this is the first movie review i've ever written , any responses on it would be greatly appreciated . : ) in may of 1977 , just 2 years after steven spielberg's success with jaws and 3 years after francis coppolas' the godfather , a risky , ambitious young director named george lucas went for the same unpredictable box office success . little did he know that star wars would become the greatest science fiction epic in the history of film . in january of this year , lucas re-released star wars on its 20th anniversary . in this new , remastered version , the added effects , which range from leathery desert beasts inserted into already existing shots to an awkward new scene in which hans solo bargains his way out of a jam with a computer-generated jabba the hutt , don't do much but call attention to themselves . other than these , the film is exactly the same . why pay to see it in the theaters , you might ask ? simply because when this movie was released , most of us were a few years short of being born . we should all get up and go to the movies for the experience , especially if you haven't seen it . the plot is basic but in the same way , complex . it has many themes , but the one rotates around luke skywalker ( mark hamill ) and his quest to become a jedi knight . his mission begins when a droid named r2-d2 plays back a secret message recorded by the beautiful princess leia ( carrie fisher ) , which tells him to contact the mysterious obi-wan kanoby ( alec guiness ) . he and kanoby then , joined by two inter-galactic renegades , hans solo ( harrison ford ) and chewbacca , and skywalker's two droids d2 and c3po ( the voice of anthony edwards ) , wage war upon the corrupt empire , commanded by an evil general ( peter cushing ) and the traitorous darth vader ( the voice of james earl jones ) . skywalker defeats the evil empire by rising out of himself to embrace something larger : the force . the film is obviously quite star-studded . but how was lucas to know that ford would become one of the most sought after men in hollywood and jones' voice would appear so many more times in the future ? it just happened to work out for him . the magic of star wars lies in the way that skywalker's triumph is symbolized by the audience's sense of becoming something larger than life itself-a universe of fans , young and old , recreating a movie atmosphere that will impress generations forever . , `strange days' chronicles the last two days of 1999 in los angeles . as the locals gear up for the new millenium , lenny nero ( ralph fiennes ) goes about his business of peddling erotic memory clips . he pines for his ex-girlfriend , faith ( juliette lewis ) , not noticing that another friend , mace ( angela bassett ) really cares for him . this film features good performances , impressive film-making technique and breath-taking crowd scenes . director kathryn bigelow knows her stuff and does not hesitate to use it . but as a whole , this is an unsatisfying movie . the problem is that the writers , james cameron and jay cocks , were too ambitious , aiming for a film with social relevance , thrills , and drama . not that ambitious film-making should be discouraged ; just that when it fails to achieve its goals , it fails badly and obviously . the film just ends up preachy , unexciting and uninvolving . there's a thin line between satire and controversy , and mike nichols ( the birdcage , wolf ) has directed a sharp and very honest look at a us presidential election . based on the book written by " anonymous " ( actually former " newsweek " writer joe klein ) , john travolta plays governor jack stanton . but he doesn't actually play stanton . he plays bill clinton ; just the same as emma thompson no doubt plays the first lady and billy bob thorton is the campaign manipulator james carville ( although the credits will of course say otherwise ) . the film is taken from the perspective of henry burton ( adrian lester ) , a morally correct and somewhat hesitant new advisor to stanton . he searches for justice and dignity in the ugliest possible situations , and whether it be keeping the history of his boss' pants under wraps or contemplating digging up dirt on another politician , he approaches his work with a keen desire to skillfully serve his country and his fellow workers . richard jemmons ( billy bob thorton ) and daisy green ( maura tierney ) team up with henry as the would-be president's advisors , and hire lesbian veteran libby holden ( kathy bates ) as the campaign's eccentric " tougher than dirt " incriminator . together they face all sorts of sexual allegations , the irritatingly discourteous media and other witty politicians in the election race . in its satire and controversy , primary colors is a similar film to wag the dog : they both are not afraid to wipe their noses in the nitty-gritty and take a bold look at something that will never has honesty as a virtue . but whereas wag showed us how much affect a few people can have on the media , primary colors is much more concerned with fleshing out it's characters , letting us understand what they want and why , and making us truly appreciate the humanity and rectitude that they graciously represent . seeing john travolta play bill clinton so confidently and justly is enough to make the film more than worth a look . and the rest of the cast also make superb performances - adrian lester sharply portrays the intellect of henry whilst kathy bates is perfect as the robust and energetic libby holden . at occasions , you can't help but feel that these terrific characters are going to waste . there are long slabs of time where john travolta ( unquestionably the most interesting to watch ) is missed from the screen ; and since it is awkwardly structured as henry's story we are often forced to watch scenes that perhaps are not so necessary to the central plot - or even the point of the film . having said that , make no mistake - primary colors is always enjoyable to watch . but frequently we have to ask ourselves - exactly what are we watching ? most of the first half of its duration is a lightheaded look at melodramatic confrontations that seem so genuine we cannot help but laugh , but the way primary colors chooses to finish tackles aspects that are very contrary , and almost unsuitable , to the rest of the film . but as i mentioned before , there is a thin line between satire and controversy - and for the most part , primary colors delivers an entertaining indulgence of political matters combined with a far-from-overpowering look at winning the public's opinion . although at occasions the film may jump around a little too freely , focus is never lost on how important and vulnerable the subject matter really is . thankfully , it is clear to make the distinction on what is entertaining movie cosmetics and what is a provocative documentation of something so really it's scary . it was only a matter of time before a dilbert-esque office comedy hit the screens . however , rather than coming from dilbert creator scott adams , office space is instead based on the work of another animator , mike judge , creator of beavis and butthead and king of the hill . in his live-action directoral debut , judge aptly spoofs corporate culture . the story is certainly not very involved , but there is plenty of truth and humor to fill the gaps . peter ( ron livingston ) is a programmer working at the initech corporation . every day in his mundane life is worse than the one before . . . in other words , every day is the worst day in his entire life . he's stuck in a boring job with eight different supervisors , all obsessed with administrative trivialities . he's smitten with joanna ( jennifer aniston ) , a local waitress , but hasn't the guts to even introduce himself . everything has simply made him a complete , nervous wreck . but all of that changes when , after an unintentionally over-effective visit to a hypnotherapist , peter loses all of his inhibitions . he realizes his lifelong dream : to do absolutely nothing . he begins to blatantly disregard the nonsensical instructions of his boss , bill lumbergh ( gary cole ) , doing whatever he feels like . peter's friends and co-workers , samir ( ajay naidu ) and michael bolton ( david herman ) . . . no , not that michael bolton , are perplexed by their friend's sudden change in attitude . but , they have larger things to worry about : rumors about that initech is about to begin downsizing . . . as bleak as much of this sounds , let me assure you that office space is a comedy , and quite a funny one . although it shares the same absurdist office humor of the dilbert comic strip , office space is actually based loosely on the series of milton cartoons which aired on saturday night life . each mundane detail , taken by itself , seems completely , regrettably , plausible . yet , when combined into a whole , the picture which results is absolutely surreal . ron livingston tackles his role straight-faced , and becomes much funnier because of it . his character isn't simply being a clown lampooning around the office , but rather seems possessed by a zen-like clarity . he is operating on a higher plane , where everything suddenly makes sense , and from this vantage point , he allows the audience to smirk at the absurdities of life . anyone who has had to deal with the inefficiencies of corporate bureaucracy , or who has ever been frustrated with the technology of modern life , will recognize many of the characters and situations in the film . in fact , in addition to being wildly humorous , the film may actually prove to be cathartic . the animated roots of office space show in the film's lack of complexity . most of the characters in the film can be quickly summarized by a particular personality quirk . one employee , milton ( stephen root ) , is practically a flesh-and-blood cartoon . however , despite their simple nature , the characters still manage to be surprisingly funny . it's not required to have a corporate background to enjoy this film ( though the situations may seem exceedingly far-fetched if you are unfamiliar with just how close to reality they really are ) . the film is flimsy and absurd , but also very funny . all those who were offended by there's something about mary should not tread in the waters of american pie , a gratuitously sexual rollercoaster ride of raunch . and while this uproariously funny , gross-out summer movie is basically an exercise in bad taste , it also demonstrates a surprising sweetness in the end . american pie is the latest entry to the offensive teenage-targeted fare this season . i must question the studio that releases a movie like this . the producers are aiming these films at the 15-24 crowd , but while pushing the limit of possible sex and violence in an r-rated film . some have even been narrowly avoiding the dreaded nc-17 , a rating the mpaa gives when the adult content surpasses even that of a restricted movie . american pie was threatened with an nc-17 , but after snipping a few scenes from the finished product , it was given an r . but at least this new addition is not as careless and unforgiving as something like south park . it is sick , perverse , and ultimately disgusting - not to mention extremely funny . american pie is about four desperate teenagers who make a pact to lose their virginity by prom night . jim ( jason biggs ) , kevin ( thomas ian nicholas ) , oz ( chris klein ) and finch ( eddie kaye thomas ) are a quartet of high school students in their senior year who think sex is something they must experience to be successful in their lives ahead . jim inquires what it feels like when you reach third base , to which one of his friends replies : `like warm apple pie . . . ' . of course , this prompts the scene unfairly exposed in the trailers , in which jim and a freshly baked pie have a very intimate moment in the kitchen corner . there are many moments , such as this , in which director paul weitz uses a game-plan similar to the one frequently displayed in mary : to cause the audience to break down laughing in disgusting disbelief . american pie is a hard-fought effort that has replenishing rewards if you manage to stick with it . i loved the young cast in this movie . consider the subject matter that these actors have dealt with , obviously suggestiveness never rivaled in any of their previous projects , and you should appreciate their performances . biggs is more than enjoyable , and chris klein ( who recently played a similar jock in election ) is obviously a young talent on the rise . but in a teen-dominated movie , the best performance comes from comedian eugene levy ( of television's sctv ) , who is unexpectedly brilliant as jim's uneasy father . scenes in which the familiar father-son conversations are brought to interesting new levels are the funniest moments to be found in american pie . after levy discovers jim's new use for apple pie , he tells him , `i did a fare share of that sort of thing when i was your age . but i never used baked goods . ' it is performances such as his , and bill murray's in rushmore , that are often unfairly dismissed when awards are handed out . there are some less-than-original aspects of the film . a bathroom incident involving finch and a bottle of ex-lax is something we've seen before . if weitz is planning to take after the farrelly brothers , then this is a decidedly unwise move : the same prank was pulled in the brother's dumb and dumber , and used to greater effect . secondly , the characters are forced into a half-hearted climax that seems more artificial than amusing . but at one point , in which we discover that american pie does have a heart of it's own , biggs asks his buddies why he's going through so much pressure for something that's `not very important anyway . ' and so we realize that while the film is expressive about a subject that is hardly appropriate , it still manages to be mature . in it's own way . albert brooks saves the day , just in the nick of time . with a very poor summer for movies , brooks is just what audiences were looking for to cheer them up , and does so in a positive way . while this may not be his finest work , " the muse " still shakes up some delightful humor . in albert brook's latest comedy , he tells a story of a troubled screenwriter ( brooks ) who's losing his edge , as his business partners say . in desperation , he goes to see his friend jack ( jeff bridges ) , who has been a very successful screenwriter in the past . he asks jack for some help , and recieves word of a real life muse , that has helped him and many other directors throughout their career . so brooks seeks the muse named sarah ( sharon stone ) , and is suckered into buying her expensive , food etc . as a sort of payment . the real punch line however , doesn't come until the end . it really makes you wonder , how screenwriters really get their ideas , could it simply be from a friend or a bum in the street ? the idea itself is provoking and brooks does it in a hilarious manner . speaking of brooks , he was absolutely hysterical as a screenwriter . every time he graces the screen , i can't help but start laughing . albert has a very unique sense of humor that makes him a very likeable character . the real problem with the film lies with sharon stone . she wasn't likeable at all . brooks had the right idea with her occupation , but she never pulled through . in a way , she drained energy from the once funny atmosphere and left it bleak . luckily brooks could clean up the mess , and cover for stone's mishap . it was a shame that the film went slightly downhill after her appearance , because " the muse " had the potential to a be a very authentic comedy . on a brighter note , andie macdowell was also charming as brook's wife . she is always a nice addition as a supporting actress , because she has that charisma that seems to complete the atmosphere to any film she's in . the funniest moments in " the muse " in my opinion were the cameos by james cameron and martin scorsese . i mean imagine , brooks seeing these big named directors in his back yard seeking sharon stone for advice , like it was something out of the ordinary . it was just plain hilarious . it just adds to the satire joke , of how directors get ideas . brilliant move by brooks . as i mentioned before , the film is a satire much like it's proceeder bowfinger , which came out a few weeks before . unlike bowfinger , this is not a mean spirited film that's desperate for jokes , it's rather a witty and humorous look at hollywood . " bowfinger " had it's moments , but had quite a few problems that were never worked out , but " the muse " still managed to keep the laughs despite a bit of a detour . by the end of the film , you're glad to see a good hearty comedy come out of it . for once i'm not fully disappointed , because the film didn't slow down , it kept moving , even with some flaws . thumbs up to brooks for his brave effort . i think he'll still manage to keep his edge around well into the future . for more than a decade , anjelica huston has been one of america's finest actresses . in her directorial debut , bastard out of carolina , based upon dorothy allison's largely autobiographical book on child abuse and poverty in the south , huston displays impressive proficiency behind the camera as well . the film tells the story of ruth anne boatwright , nicknamed bone by one of her uncles at birth , in post-world war ii south carolina . through voice-over ( narration done by laura dern ) , we find that she nearly didn't survive birth , as her single mother anney , played by jennifer jason leigh , was thrown through the windshield during an automobile accident . that's just the beginning of her troubles . bone is deemed illegitimate on her birth certificate , a social stigma which her mother and her large poor family obsesses over for years to come . anney meets and weds lyle , a kind man and good stepfather whom gives bone a baby sister before dying in an automobile accident . anney's brother earle , played by michael rooker , introduces her to glen , played by ron eldard , a co-worker at the mill . glen , the black sheep of a wealthy family ( " when are you gonna make your daddy proud ? i'll tell you when - never ! " he's told ) and filled with bitterness , courts anney and eventually wins her , despite warnings of a violent temper . when anney miscarries with his much-prized baby boy , glen loses his capability to supress his violent outbursts and begins to direct them at bone , beating and abusing her , while the love-dependent anney tries to turn a blind eye and justify his behaviour . things turn for the worse when glen loses his job and the family of four sink into impoverishment . while set several decades ago , this story remains completely relevant in today's society , where abused wives return to their husbands , and abuse committed against children by one spouse is routinely overlooked by the other . the real star of this domestic drama is not top-billed jennifer jason leigh , but child actress jena malone , who plays bone in a wrenching and wholly impressive debut performance . her work is of award-calibre , and in this age in which a preponderence of superb child performers have emerged ( kirsten dunst , tina majorino , anna paquin , natalie portman , christina ricci , elijah wood ) , malone's performance stands up well . leigh's performance in bastard out of carolina is fine , although she's not really given much to do , and ron eldard work is very solid , skillfully manouvering his character's moods in and out of explosive rage . one can always sense that underneath his glen is a pressure-cooker ticking away . of the supporting cast , special note must be made of the criminally underrated michael rooker's performance . there's a bit too much generic formulaism in the screenplay for my taste , from the various characters spouting off country bumpkinisms , to the familiar sight of a dried-up uptight wise old granny ( played by grace zabriskie ) sitting on the porch rocking chair , to impassioned soliloquies better suited for a stage performance . still , it cannot be denied that anne meredith's screenplay contains a wallop of emotional power . huston's direction of the film is surehanded and impressive , giving the film good pacing and eliciting good performances from her cast , particularly the young malone . her sequences of child abuse are shot in a hard-hitting emotional , rather than graphic , manner , and are very effective . huston's talent with camera positioning is wonderful , from a visually striking shot done through a fan , to an extended sequence in the front seat of an automobile . the film has the toned-down feel of a television production ; bastard out of carolina was originally composed and cut for broadcast on the tnt cable station , who ended up declining the film due to sentiments that scenes of abuse and rape in the film were too disturbingly realistic for their audience . perhaps some sequences of the film may be unpleasant , but as a whole bastard out of carolina adds up to a powerful viewer experience worth seeing . razor blade smile running as part of the vancouver international film festival played october 2nd and 4th , 1998 . official release : halloween reviewed by vince yim `you think you know all about vampires . . . believe me . . . you know f * ck all . ' with these words , we are brought into the world of a sultry vampire seductress by the name of lilith silver ( played by eileen daly ) . made into an immortal a century and a half ago by the sinister ethan blake , she continues to alleviate boredom with her state of being . so , what's an undead girl to do , except squeeze into the tightest fitting clothes possible , get out her guns , seduce a few guys , and kill a few people for money and blood ? with that out of the way , let me say this . this film is bad . this film is really , really bad . yet somehow , it is strangely enjoyable . with all the elements of a direct to video horror flick ? buxom babes , gore , cheesy dialogue , and bad acting ? any casual film viewer would be more inclined to spend their money on renting innocent blood or going to see blade . still , it is considered to be one of the finest british vampire film . agreed , it might be , but is far from being the best vampire flick ever . period . razor blade smile has some rather high production values , shown by the nice overall tone to the film . the film is also a bit of a departure from popular vampire lore , with a vampire that can go out in broad daylight without disintegrating , doesn't sleep in a coffin ( but leaves one next to her computer ) , and sees religion as the `opium of the peoples' ( hence , immunity to crosses ) . but aside from that , it doesn't stray too far away from horror film conventions . that is , unless that is intentional . razor blade smile literally goes for the throat , then pumps the wound full of processed cheese . you can't help but laugh when a female vampire gets decapitated and her severed head goes flying into a puddle . you'll laugh even harder at the hideously contrived situations ( to distract two female guards , lilith tosses a cellular phone towards them and dials the number ) . you'll laugh the hardest when a murder witness recants the tale and suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably . and then , there's the sudden twist ending ( i have enough heart not to give it away ) . the film refuses to take itself seriously , which is a good thing , as by the time lilith zips up her skin-tight body suit and then unzips it just to show the right amount of cleavage , you've most likely forgotten the main point of the story . but in case you really care , she's been assigned to kill a bunch of people who belong to the so-called illuminati , and she's leaving a huge mess behind for the police to find . as much as my criticisms , this movie works best as a guilty pleasure or as a film that you watch with your friends and within groups . almost destined for cult-status , the film's campy , cheesy overtones actually work towards the film . while this may not necessarily be the film you'd want to be seen watching by yourself , it makes for a fun time at the movies . pitch black is a sheep in wolf's clothing . it is full of darkness , danger and violence and if you buy into the marketing hype , an unsettling and scary film going experience . don't be fooled . pitch black is a morality play masquerading as a scare-fest . it starts off with blistering intensity . a cargo spaceship crash lands on a planet apparently leeched of life by the scorching heat of three suns . among the survivors is fry ( mitchell ) , the ship's pilot , who spends the film wrestling with the fact that she tried to jettison the other passengers in her effort to land the craft safely . there is imam ( david ) , an islamic leader whose faith in his god is tested repeatedly throughout the film . there is a law enforcement officer in the form of johns ( hauser ) , who attacks every situation with square jawed authoritarian zeal . and there is riddick ( diesel ) , a menacing , muscle-bound convicted murderer who's being brought back to justice by johns . the group quickly sizes up the situation and each other . confident in their assessment of matters , a plan is set in motion to escape their hellish environment . those plans are shredded by the appearance of one of the planet's wildlife , a predatory , sometimes winged , species that enjoys the taste of blood and flesh . fortunately , the creatures are light sensitive and are forced to live in networks of catacombs under the planet's surface . unfortunately , the group has managed to land on the planet moments before an eclipse is about to occur , taking away their one protection from the monsters . the group's savior comes in the form of johns , whose decisive leadership looks to deliver them from purgatory . or does it ? pitch black deviates from the standard sci-fi fare by avoiding some of the stock " escape the boogieman " conflicts the genre typically serves up . just as the planet gave a false facade of lifelessness , first appearances given by the survivors proves to be just as false . the excitement of the film comes not from the danger posed by the creatures , but rather from watching the shifting allegiances and emotional growth of the characters as the planet serves as a deus ex machina of sorts to catalyze emotional growth . a recurrent theme runs throughout the movie of faith , whether it be religious or in a person , and how that powers their motivations . i found it telling that an accidental death occurs early on due to the misperception of a self professed atheist . conversely , imam constantly contributes any good fortune to allah . one by one , his perceived heaven sent blessings are taken away and crushed . imam is forced to reassess his faith . another character expresses belief in god , along with a life long hate . yet another character makes a decision that echoes the sentiments of christ about selflessness and has lasting repercussions for several of group . it is a fascinating character study hiding under the guise of a scare flick . special mention should be made of vin diesel , who intriguingly conveys feral menace combined with a truly mesmerizing presence . his character could have easily slipped into a parody of the baddass killing machine , but twohy and diesel add surprising depth to riddick . they can be excused for the two or three shwarzenegger-like catch phrases that growl their way out of diesel's mouth . the movie has its flaws that can be nitpicked . the creatures do look derivative of the ones in alien . the dialogue isn't the freshest at times , reminiscent of a bad comic book . yes , the appearance of riddick's vision skills are more than a little timely considering the situation . these trappings are on the periphery of the story twohy is really trying to tell . twohy may have lured you in under the pretense of scaring you with film fabricated boogieman , but he shows the real boogieman to be the prejudices and beliefs we use to direct decisions in our lives . seen february 15 , 1998 on home video ( borrowed from chris wessell ) . when it comes to modern gangster movies , it's really difficult to describe and review them without making comparisons to other films of the genre and/or just using the word " routine . " i've always subscribed to the philosophy that any idea ( no matter how many times it's been used before ) can provide for a good story and " donnie brasco " clinches this idea . it's not unlike most of the great films of the genre , yet it never apes another's style as it has a good layer of authenticity , even if its core is a tad stale . the film starts off in typical fashion by defining its atmosphere of new york city in the late 1970s and the mobsters who inhibit it . we meet lefty ( pacino ) , an aging wiseguy who can still walk the walk and talk the talk . he and his associates go through the generic motions you expect to see in crime films like this . somehow he comes across donnie brasco ( depp ) , a younger guy with a lot of spunk who isn't afraid of lefty and his rep , and even manages to befriend him after lefty was ready to kill him . it's clear donnie is new to the life and lefty recognizes this immediately , telling him all the tricks of the trade . i have never seen this technique of actually revealing the mafioso idiosyncrasies done before and for this the film deserves credit . however , we soon realize donnie is actually joe pistone , an fbi agent working undercover - a character who symbolizes the viewer as he will soon be purged into the lifestyle and treated as a newcomer . the first act works as a guided to ot of rhetoric about wiseguy honor , a brief history of the mob , definitions of their slang , and where their money comes from and who it goes to . the screenplay is rather sketchy on the details surrounding these elements , however , the fact they are mentioned at all is quite original . most gangster movies seem to be made with the notion the viewer already knows how the mob works ( probably from watching other gangster movies ) , and although this attitude comes across , the film tries to fill in all the holes where and when it can and the effort is appreciable . thankfully the film doesn't become too caught up in the tedious details of organized crime , and instead opts for character development . much of the story is told simply through the interaction between lefty and donnie . pacino is outstanding here as the pathetic hood who speaks of his job in the same manner any blue collar worker would . he's old and exhausted but seems to enjoy what he does , just as anyone loyal to the same employer for over 30 years might be . we learn of his accomplishments , which are quite impressive within their context , and when he complains about not being made top boss , it's easy to sympathize with him . newell constantly plays up this aspect , making it a major theme which works well in the long run . as donnie is constantly impressing and even one-upping lefty , it's hard to tell which emotion is more powerful : the fact donnie is getting closer to nailing the mob ; or the fact lefty has once again been over shadowed . most of the film tells the story of donnie's life in mafia , which creates for many sub-plots and individual conflicts , but doesn't always seem to come together as a whole . the storytelling is genuinely interesting throughout , even when the motions the characters go through seem familiar . the resonance to donnie's actual assignment varies , he often reports back to the feds with detail of his progress , but it doesn't always seem to have much meaning . back home , his wife maggie ( heche ) is ready to divorce him because he's never a and the family is suffering . since this is based on a true story i wouldn't doubt this would happen , although the way it is handled often borders on the melodramatic . my only major complaint is the film seems to have no final act , or at least any real sense of closure . a climax of sorts does occur , but there's little feeling of a payoff . we get a happy ending , which is good , but perhaps a sad ending would have been more powerful . aside from a few minor , general flaws , " donnie brasco " manages to be a solid piece of storytelling and character development . it may be routine , but it's good , and that's respectful . " sometimes the 'green mile' seems sooooo long . " indeed . and any filmmaker with a three hour movie who ends it with that gem of dialogue should expect to see it quoted in a review . on a more positive note , let me add that sometimes the green mile is almost good enough to make us forget its length . the mile in question ( green due to its faded lime-colored linoleum ) leads from the prison cell to " old sparky , " the electric chair where executions were carried out at louisiana's cold mountain penitentiary in 1935 . paul edgecomb ( tom hanks , you've got mail ) is the head guard of e-block , otherwise known as death row . keeping his prisoners calm as they await the carrying out of their sentence is his primary responsibility . it is a responsibility which he capably delegates to the other guards on his watch by insisting they " talk to " the convicts instead of yelling at them . this practice leads to an unusual camaraderie between the guards and the men behind their bars . into his charge comes one john coffey ( michael clarke duncan , armageddon ) , a seven foot tall gentle giant who has been convicted of the rape and murder of two young girls . immediately , paul senses something different about this prisoner . perhaps its the way he asked for a night light because he is frightened of the dark . or perhaps it is the mystical healing powers he demonstrates as he " takes back " paul's bladder infection thereby restoring him to health . based on steven king's 1996 serialized novel , the green mile does offer other characters who have stories to be told : eduard delacroix ( michael jeter , patch adams ) , is a frail cajun convict who befriends and trains a mouse to do circus tricks ; percy wetmore ( doug hutchison , a time to kill ) , is a young and sadistic guard sitting on a transfer to a more lucrative position because he has yet to see a prisoner " fry " up close ; and hal moores ( james cromwell , babe : pig in the city ) is the compassionate warden for whom , despite all the executions he's witnessed , death never loomed as large as when his own wife was diagnosed with a tumor . while it is mr . hanks " everyman " performance at the center of the film which gives it the anchor to hold our interest for 180 minutes , it is the performances of his supporting cast that are most worth noting . all involved do credible work in their respective roles , most especially mr . duncan , who turns in an impressive , fully realized characterization . if only the story were more credible . writer/director frank darabont ( the shawshank redemption ) has crafted a flawed fantasy/allegory of sorts ; one which is more spiritualistic than spiritual , relying on a preternatural mysticism rather than a genuine and godly spiritual power . mr . darabont also overplays his hand considerably in the manipulation of our affection towards and association with his characters . was it an accidental omission that the first two inmates who walked the green mile were being punished for crimes never disclosed ? by not knowing the reason for the condemned convicts' presence on e-block , the audience never gets the sense of the justice which is being carried out , making the death penalty appear cruel and unwarranted . this is especially true during the gruesome depiction of the second execution which was horribly botched . much has also been made of coffey's christ-like ability to heal but unlike the numerous healings which are recorded in the scriptures , coffey's powers are shrouded in mystery , taking on the feel of a circus trick , coupled with a voodoo-like " i feel your pain " transference . in contrast , there is no mystery associated with the healing that is from god . the genuine " gifts of healing " listed in 1 corinthians 12 is just one of the nine manifestations of holy spirit and can be operated by any spiritually instructed man or woman in accordance with the knowledge and wisdom of god . true spiritual healing ( with few exceptions ) requires the committed believing of both the healer as well as the one being healed . such believing comes not from the shrouded secrets of mysticism , but from the revealed word of god . i guess there are those who have never been kissed before ( a rare and dying breed ) , except if you're child ? in which case it would be called experimenting . rarer still are those who have never been kissed before they reach the twenties . hardest to believe still , is that drew barrymore has never been kissed . despite all these hard to believe tit bits , there are people out there who have never truly been kissed , and who are still waiting for that right person to give them the wet , sloppy warm feeling of tongues intermingling , reassuring them that their search for true love is over . well , this movie is about a girl waiting for the right boy to give her the kiss of her life . and it's sweet . drew barrymore who shone in ? ever after' is wonderful as ? josie , grossy' , the high school dweeb who becase a professional editor , before being assigned by her paper to return to school as an undercover reporter . it addresses the issues of how a dweeb , becomes a prom queen and finds the man of her life all in one sitting . hard to believe , but possible . there may also be those who have been kissed before , but in fact , never truly been given the kiss . so this movie can be watched by those who are waiting for true love or those who are still searching for it . either way , it is one enjoyable sit , with a fairytale ending . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . " all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players they have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts " - excerpt from as you like it , act ii , scene 7 when william shakespeare penned this passage , he could not have possibly envisioned a world in which the domestic activites in an abode would be broadcast across the continent , or where women would install webcams in their apartments in order to convert voyeurism into cash . this is the world of today , and it is the perfect climate to unveil a prototypical high-concept project like the truman show . truman burbank ( jim carrey ) seems to have the perfect life . he has a pretty , doting wife meryl ( laura linney ) , a comfortable insurance sales position , an immaculate suburban home in the idyllic island community of seahaven , a reliable childhood buddy marlon ( noah emmerich ) -- except for the dog that paws a greeting to him every morning and his hydrophobia , this is paradise . or so it would seem . bizarre , inexplicable incidents begin to crop up in truman's life . a lighting fixture unexpectedly plummets from the sky . a rainstorm which gives new meaning to the term 'isolated' follows him around . a radio broadcast appears to be describing his every move . for the first time in his life , it is beginning to dawn on truman that things are not what they appear to be . the truman show , directed by peter weir and written by andrew niccol , is a remarkably well-constructed film , paced perfectly with every scene fluidly leading into the next . balancing drama with humour , thoughtfulness with abandon , this is a film which addresses an intriguing and intricate concept with just the right mixture of sermonizing and whimsical fancy . in many ways , mr . niccol's screenplay mirrors the spirit of his previous gattaca -- both films focus on the theme of triumph of the human spirit over oppressive adversity , with pivotal , character-defining moments occurring at sea . although the film's rather conventional climax doesn't sustain the inspired dynamic achieved in the first two-thirds , and ultimately just falls short on delivering the intended emotional punch , there are moments through the truman show which are genuinely stirring and moving as truman attempts to make sense of his unraveling world and grasp the implications behind his discoveries of deception . despite the multitude of pertinent issues being broached by the film , it remains foremost a finely-crafted piece of entertainment , constantly light and accessible . the tone achieved is far too sunny for any sense of fearful paranoia to legitimately intrude , and as the carefully-stacked seahaven house of cards tumbles down , the film eschews any psychological ramifications for a man discovering that the fundamentals of his entire existence have been false . the end act of the truman show essentially boils down to a rehash of the reliable , crowdpleasing underdog vs . the system formula . while the film is an impressive realisation of an inspired concept , some elements are lacking . the device of mysterious lauren/sylvia ( natascha mcelhone ) as a contributing impetus to truman's growing awareness isn't exactly convincing . there's not much of a discernable spark between either the two characters or the actors themselves , and the scenes in which she indignantly confronts the megalomaniac christoff ( ed harris ) with regards to the moral ambiguity of his actions unnecessarily spells things out for the audience , thankfully avoided elsewhere in the film . in fact , although the film smartly restricts the number of scenes depicting the real world outside truman's artificial utopia to a mere handful of select reaction shots from enraptured gazers , it might have perhaps been even more indicting and damning to immerse itself even * more * deeply in the insulatory seahaven world , with the resultant effect that the repercussions felt as the film finally shifts outside the imposed bubble are all the more startling . still , the scathing commentary issued by this film is on target , and its insidiously oblique manner of delivery is far more effective in conveying the message than the more forthright anti-voyeuristic tirades such as that of the recent costa gavras film mad city . i've always believed that the versatile ms . linney possesses a tremendous comic gift -- she has always seems to have a impish gleam in her eyes -- and in the truman show she runs rampant with her duplicitous character , mischievously flashing a glazed , insanely jovial grin as she perkily recites impromptu product placement slogans . cheerfully going over the top , it's hilarious to watch her -- who would have ever guessed that she'd have the opportunity to outshine the reigning king of comedy in the laughs department of a film ? ms . linney is a delight in the film . but it is mr . carrey who rules the show here . he may not have been intuitively the most obvious choice to portray underdog hero truman burbank -- the role is seriously lacking in any of the frenetic comic interludes which typify his traditional parts -- but he brings to the character tremendous energy and eminent appeal : it's difficult not to root for truman . in a commanding performance , mr . carrey lends our protagonist an inherent sense of decency and integrity which makes him a genuinely engaging presence , and acquits himself impressively in this dramatic turn , demonstrating admirable restraint -- there's an early scene where he's down on his knees gardening , and given his past track record , one almost instinctively anticipates mr . carrey to pull one of more infamous , and in this case , wholly inappropriate sight gags . it's almost poetic how this notorious look-at-me actor successfully tones it down to play a character who's constantly the centre of attention . in addition to the fine performances by the bulk of the cast -- mr . emmerich is particularly noteworthy for issuing his character a sense of sturdy trustworthiness -- the film is immeasurably aided by wonderful production design by dennis gassner in creating truman's antiseptic , white picket-fenced smalltown utopia , and by burkhard dallwitz's original score . technical credits are first-rate all around . while the truman show is clearly a definitive high-concept film , it's not exactly a dazzlingly innovative one -- obvious predecessors utilising common elements abound , ranging from 1965's secret agent through to the groundbreaking british 1967 tv series the prisoner . all the same , this is a visionary , award-calibre film : entertaining , provocative , and intelligent . the curious ( and possibly disturbing ) thing may be that although upon first glance the plausibility of the film's concept seems unfathomably outrageous , it's abundantly clear that our society is rapidly approaching , if not actualisation , at least permissiveness of such a scenario . perhaps the highest compliment which can be paid to mr . weir is that his depiction of this bizarro state is so convincing that we accept it without question . perhaps we recognize a bit of ourselves in this world . in chocolat , a chocolate shop owner tells her customers to look into a spinning object of obscure textures , patterns , and lines , hoping she'll be able to foresee the kind of chocolate they'll most enjoy . some scoff the idea , but everyone who gazes into the complexity of the spinning object winds up seeing something different than the next , revealing personality traits which the person may not have known they had before . this can easily stand as a model for chocolat as a whole : on the surface , it appears to be a light , fluffy fable with no depth or true worth , but when one takes a second , deeper look , chocolat's true colors begin to shine through . making a bold statement about organized religion and those who practice it , lasse hallstrom's chocolat is flawlessly acted and meticulously crafted-not to mention one of the best films of the year . what gives chocolat its magic , much like hallstrom's 1999 winner of two academy awards , the cider house rules , is its willingness to say what's on its mind without holding back to prevent offending audiences . the bold and honest message hallstrom conveys with chocolat will no doubt outrage a select group of viewers , but those who are willing to suspend their bitterness because they feel they are being intimidated or attacked should find themselves to be in agreement with what the film says about narrow-mindedness . chocolat centers its story around the small french village of lansquenet , where majority rules , and the majority lives by only one law : religion . the bulk of the townspeople ( with few exceptions ) are preparing for the sacred time of abstinence , lent , but when the independent thinking , seemingly non-religious vianne rocher ( juliette binoche ) and her daughter anouk ( victoire thivisol ) make the village their home , the people will be tempted beyond belief by the mouth-watering confections in the chocolate shop vianne opens . many are predictably opposed and deeply offended by vianne's opening of the chocolate shop just in time for lent , especially the mayor , comte de reynaud ( a cartoon-like alfred molina ) , who will stop at nothing to put her out of business . on the other hand , the shop is a delight to others , including the cranky armande voizin ( judi dench ) , who sits day by day in vianne's shop , telling the single mother about her unfortunate detached relationship with her grandson ( aurelien parent-koening ) , which comes as a result of his mother ( carrie-ann moss ) believing armande is a bad influence , as she does not hold the same , strict religious beliefs that she does . also a fan of the chocolate is the nervous wreck josephine muscat , whose husband is constantly beating her , to whom vianne offers a home and befriends . juliette binoche is charming and honest as vianne , genuinely capturing her character's determination to turn the narrow-minded townspeople into more happy , independent human beings , but most of chocolat's success is unquestionably a result of the remarkable performances of the supporting actresses . lena olin , previously nominated for an oscar in 1989 , deserves her second nomination for her earnest , moving portrayal of a lost , scared woman torn between staying true to her battering , manipulative husband or leaving him to live the life which for which she longs . judi dench is sharp , incisive , and occasionally greatly touching as armande voizin . carrie ann-moss , in what is likely to be her first largely noticed ( and acclaimed ) role since the matrix , shows a more solid side of her acting skills not previously seen , crafting a character that the viewer both sympathizes with and despises simultaneously . victoire thivisol shows much promise as anouk , a young girl hoping her always-on-the-move mother will eventually settle down . a trade ad for chocolat sums up best the power the actresses have on screen with the tagline : " five extraordinary women , one extraordinary movie . " that's not to say the men don't do their share , though : alfred molina makes for a sly and utterly repugnant antagonist , hugh o'conor adds quite a bit of comic relief as the priest who seems to not even know why he is who he is , and johnny depp gives a strong performance as the pirate roux , who enters the film late in the game and sparks the romantic interest of vianne . the technical aspects of chocolat are strong across the board : lasse hallstrom directs his enchanting fable with great care , perfectly balancing the elements of each genre to be found within the film . cinematographer roger pratt brings an atmospheric , fairy tale look to the film , and rachel portman's masterful score is her best and most memorable since the cider house rules . chocolat , adapted by robert nelson jacobs from the joanne harris novel , is a wonderful little treat of a film , one that will most likely win over the hearts of audiences and the votes of academy members this winter , and the aggressive backing of miramax films assures the latter . while not as powerful as the cider house rules , lasse hallstrom's chocolat is a film which works on all levels-as a drama , a comedy , a fable , a romance , and a fairy tale . and it even lives up to its name : it is delicious to savor the taste of , easy to digest , and , like all excellent chocolate , it is memorable for days afterward . the bottom line : chocolat is pure pleasure . while alex browning ( devon sawa ) waits at jfk to leave for a school trip to paris , bad omens seem to surround him . as soon as he buckles into the plane , he has a vision of the plane exploding seconds after take-off . when the vision begins to come true , alex bolts for the door , dragging several students and a teacher in his wake . the plane takes off without them and explodes just as alex predicted . he becomes an object of fear and suspicion among the community , and the tension only increases as the survivors begin to die . alex and another survivor , clear rivers ( ali larter ) , investigate the suspicious " suicide " of a friend , and a mortician ( tony " candyman " todd ) clues them in to the truth : alex interrupted death's design by saving people who should have died in the explosion , and death will want to claim its rightful victims . in order to save himself and the others , alex will have to figure out death's new plan and thwart it . of the countless horror films that have competed for a piece of the " scream " audience , " final destination " is the best so far . talented young screenwriter jeffrey reddick offers a fresh variation on a familiar formula . we've seen hundreds of movies where a group of teenagers are murdered one-by-one by a faceless slasher , but reddick cuts out the hockey-masked middle-man and makes the villain death itself . first-time feature director james wong made the most of that premise . every scene is permeated with creepiness and foreboding , reminding us that death is everywhere , can come at anytime . everyday objects and events vibrate with menace . the most amusing harbinger of doom : john denver's " rocky mountain high , " which is played several times in the movie before someone dies . ( the link is that denver died in a plane crash , and the song includes a line about fire in the sky . ) the performances are stronger than those usually elicited by teen horror . devon sawa , who previously starred in another horror flick , " idle hands , " gives a frantic and convincing lead performance . kerr smith is carter hogan , an antagonist of alex's whose quick temper causes him to pulled off the fatal plane . smith plays carter as filled with anger and confusion that constantly threatens to bubble over into violence . seann william scott , who's also in theaters right now in " road trip , " plays the somewhat dim billy hitchcock and provides a needed counterpoint to the intensity of alex and carter . tony todd's one-scene cameo is delicious but all too brief . bottom line : watchable teen fright flicks are few and far between , but this destination is worth visiting . assume nothing . the phrase is perhaps one of the most used of the 1990's , as first impressions and rumors are hardly ever what they seem to be . the phrase especially goes for oscar novak , an architect who is the main focus of three to tango , a delightful , funny romantic comedy about assumptions and being yourself . novak ( matthew perry ) , a shy , clumsy , chicago based architect , along with openly gay partner , peter steinberg ( oliver platt ) , fights for projects day in and day out . one of these is the job of restoring a popular building for charles newman ( dylan mcdermott ) , a rich , well-known businessman . charles immediately takes a liking to oscar , as he enjoys his personality and sense of humor . seeing oscar as someone he could trust , charles asks him to watch his girlfriend , an unpredictable , adventurous girl named amy post ( neve campbell ) , who makes a living by blowing glass . charles wants to know who she talks to , what she does , and where she goes . the point ? to make sure she's not seeing someone else , of course . oscar gladly takes the job , and meets amy at an art show of hers , and sparks fly between the two from the get go . oscar feels he has found the one meant for him , and he is content with the idea of being with amy . well , another popular phrase of the 90's is " all good things must come to an end , " and this stays true for oscar as well . charles walks in on amy and oscar having a drink one night , as oscar and amy have become great friends , but he doesn't seem to mind . why is this ? he thinks oscar is gay . he's not afraid to share this with him either . oscar stands in shock after the words , " i swear if you weren't gay oscar , i'd have to kill you , " are muttered flamboyantly from charles' mouth . the word spreads instantly through town . will oscar " come out " of his supposed gayness , or will he tell everyone that he isn't ? one would immediately think he would deny the fact , but numerous occurrences come to oscar , which result in the fact that if he denies the fact , he could lose his job with charles . matthew perry doesn't escape his character as chandler on the already classic t . v . comedy " friends , " as both oscar novak and chandler are clueless , shy , and sensitive . nonetheless , perry is hilarious here , and shows that he can handle drama , as obviously , his character suffers quite a bit here . it's wonderful to see neve campbell outside of a horror movie , ( she was the star of scream 1 and 2 , and the upcoming scream 3 ) as she handles comedy superbly here . her voice , smile , and personality are more than perfect for romantic comedies- stay with this genre , neve . neve is delightful as her conflicted character , who feels love for oscar , but knows , based on rumors , that he is gay . as usual , campbell is likable as her likable character . unlike the other two leads here , dylan mcdermott is flat in his dialogue , and is never convincing . when his character his present , mcdermott sets a dull tone to the scene with his horrible acting . stick to the t . v . drama , the practice , dylan . the major weak spot in three to tango is the direction of damon santostefano . no originality or technique is used whatsoever . three to tango is lucky that the script is so edgy and that perry and campbell are wonderful in comedy , or else the film would have been a disaster , as it is just plain boring to look at . three to tango is a film done many times before , as the plot is suspiciously close to 1998's the object of my affection , but the plot has never been completed so well . three to tango's script , written by rodney patrick vaccaro and aline brosh mckenna is fun , fast , and funny , delivering not only original , hilarious gay jokes ( not your run of the mill material ) , but a certain snappiness in the dialogue between characters that always keeps you smiling . unlike last summer's south park : bigger , longer , and uncut and 1997's in & out , three to tango is a comedy in which the gay element is not crude or vulgar . the script is wise to take this route , as gays can't ( i don't think so , anyway ) be offended by this light , playful comedy . ( to prove this , a gay couple was in the audience who were laughing constantly . ) three to tango's climax is a hilarious , clever scene that is pure irony based on the outcome of most romantic-mistaken identity comedies . three to tango is a gem . the bottom line : three to tango is a light , sharp , snappy romantic comedy with a superb ending , and great stars . one of the better romantic comedies of 1999 . the question isn't why has grease been reissued . the answer to that one is easy : to celebrate the movie's 20th anniversary and to make more bucks for paramount's coffers because john travolta is once again a hot commodity . no , the question that ought to be asked is : should grease be reissued ? the answer is not an easy one . grease is a fun movie , an entertaining fantasy of the '50s , embodying all the cliches of that era . the music is lively and the dance numbers , choreographed by patricia birch , are energetic and high-spirited . travolta was at his pinnacle as a sexual icon , cool , but non-threatening . but grease didn't break any new cinematic ground . it was not a milestone in movie history such as citizen kane or easy rider . what grease is - or has become - is the highest-grossing musical in film history . ok , let's not be a spoilsport . grease is a fun and entertaining movie , even though it stretches credulity to see such performers as travolta , olivia newton-john , taxi's jeff conaway and the multi-talented stockard channing try to act like high schoolers . it's nostalgic to recall how good a dancer travolta was , and it's sad to think of what could have been had not a few missteps sidetracked his career . he could have become a musical comedy star in the tradition of gene kelly . cinematically , the musical comedy has basically gone the way of the dinosaur . between grease and 1996's evita . , you can probably count the number of movie musicals on one hand . two reasons have contributed to the demise of the genre : the first is that movie audiences have become more sophisticated , no , make that cynical and jaded . today , if a character began to dance and sing with no orchestra in sight , he or she would probably be hooted off the screen . today's audiences lack the innocence , that belief in movie magic that is required for a musical to succeed . secondly , a lack of talent . performers with the charisma , the style , the larger-than-life panache of fred astaire , gene kelly , ginger rogers and judy garland are gone . most singers and dancers remain on the stage , and those who do succeed in movies usually wind up in serious dramatic parts . a good example is gregory hines , one of the greatest dancers in the world . he danced a bit in the cotton club , tap and white nights , but those were essentially dramatic vehicles . so , perhaps the reissue of grease can serve a purpose . if audiences show enough interest , meaning if the re-release earns the studio enough revenue , it may spark a revival in movie musicals . perhaps not original musicals such as singin' in the rain , an american in paris or seven brides for seven brothers , but for broadway properties that have been in the planning stages for film adaptations for several years . at one time or another , according to the industry rumor mill , hollywood has been set to create an animated version of andrew lloyd webber's cats , a filming of the popular phantom of the opera as well as les miserables and chicago , the latter reportedly to star madonna . so , let this grease be the forerunner of an armada of movie musicals . let grease be the word that sparks this revival . let's face it : since waterworld floated by , the summer movie season has grown * very * stale . with no new eye-candy for four weeks straight , we've had to sustain ourselves on the quasi-nutritional value of cheatin' husbands , traveling chocolate salesmen , and computer- generated serial killers . sigh . thank god for desperado . the freewheeling sequel to el mariachi--director robert rodriguez's notorious $7000 debut--stars a cool antonio banderas as the returning guitarist with no name . he's a man in black with revenge on his mind , and an arsenal in his case . ( the woman he loved was killed in the first film . ) so , he spends the entire story shooting drug dealers ; sort of a tex-mex version of the punisher , if you will . there isn't much of an emotional core to desperado . rodriguez is having too much fun finding new and innovative ways to pay homage to john woo . ( and sergio leone . . . and sam peckinpah . . . ) some may wince at the body count--at least 100 graphic killings is a fair estimate--but it's all played for laughs . big , broad , hispanic laughs that , for me , recall the physical comedy of blake edwards and his pink panther films . sick , slick fun . if beavis and butthead had a favorite movie , from dusk till dawn would probably be it . scripted by quentin tarantino and directed by robert rodriguez ( desperado ) , the movie panders to the very worst in sex and violence -- and is incredibly fun to watch . it starts off as a pulp fiction-type crime story , with criminal brothers george clooney and tarantino robbing a convenience store . because this is a tarantino movie , however , it's not just a case of pull the gun and take the loot , it's a case of a hole being shot through someone's hand , a man on fire jumping out behind the counter and the entire store blowing up as they drive away . the opening scene sets the tone for the rest of the movie -- everything overdone and nothing as it seems . clooney and tarantino bring a hostage to the motel and then hijack an rv with a family in it . harvey keitel plays the backslidden ex-preacher and juliette lewis his daughter , whom registered sex-pervert tarantino eyes endlessly . you know you're mentally unbalanced when you find lewis the least bit attractive , although she's not nearly as obnoxious as usual in from dusk till dawn . the first half of the movie has the criminals and hostages trying to get to and through the mexico border , clooney's strategy involving hiding in the rv shower while lewis is on the toilet . it does its trick ; the border guard takes one look at lewis relieving herself and immediately goes blind , never noticing clooney or tarantino . once they get to mexico , it's time to wait at the rendezvous point , a topless bar called titty twister where we're once again reminded tarantino wrote the movie as he drinks champagne off the foot of a stripper . finally , after about ten minutes of intercut boob shots and clooney forcing keitel and lewis to drink with him , the stripper turns into a vampire . soon half the people in the bar are vampires and the other half fall or fight back . that's right , we've come all this way to see a vampire movie . but like everything else , tarantino takes this age-old genre and twists it to his own ends to produce over-the-top entertainment . so we get holy water condom balloons , heads rolling , quadruple impalement on an overturned table and keitel getting bitten by a vampire and announcing he only has a few minutes left before he becomes " a lap dog of satan . " the from dusk till dawn dialogue is 100% tarantino , hovering between absurd and disgusting ( as when they're entering the nightclub and cheech marin announces the main attractions of the titty twister ) , but always entertaining , and is a huge reason the movie is so much fun to watch instead of being one more second-rate gorefest . clooney , keitel and especially tarantino are so over-the-top with their delivery that the dialogue is that much more hilarious , ensuring not one second of from dusk till dawn is taken the least bit seriously . stuff like this would be terrible in any other movie , but tarantino and rodriguez know exactly what to do to entertain people , even if there's absolutely no message or meaning to from dusk till dawn . pulp fiction had the vulgarity and violence for a reason , but this movie just throws it out for cheap entertainment . from dusk till dawn isn't the classic of modern cinema that pf is , but is does prove you can do a good job making a really bad movie . the small-scale film , in limited release , " waking ned devine " is a pleasant excursion to a time and place which allows the audience to absorb the full texture of a small town . filled with breathtaking scenery , 'characters' , and delightful music , the movie would be interesting even without a plot . the story contains several surprises which are best left unmentioned in a review . the film starts out with a sharp opening , which gives us a taste of what is to follow : country folk with an inclination for a bit of larceny . what gets things going is the fact that a winner of the lottery is apparently one of the residents in the small town ( pop 52 ) of tullymore . who that person is , and how to share in the good fortune is the mission of two longtime friends jackie ( ian bannen ) and michael ( david kelly ) . part detectives , part scalawags , they have to stay alert to the changing circumstances they face as the story unfolds . the village consists of several amusing characters . a clueless pig farmer , temporary priest , and a witch . there's also the lotto man who must be satisfied that everything is on the up-and-up . there are no hollywood touches to this film - except for the outer space introduction [ ! ] . pacing is right . towards the end , it runs a bit out of steam , but that's okay because for most of the 90 minutes we've been interested in the goings on . a mixture of laughs and ( occasional ) sentiment - all the right emotions are engaged . in one brief dream sequence - you'll know it when you see it - a fantastic combination of color and music transports the characters to a place you really hope exists . one of the key moments in the film . the music , available on cd ( london 289 460 939-2 ) follows the same arc as the movie and is well worth considering . a fine film that's for everybody except action fans . somewhat like 'the englishman who went up a hill and came down a mountain , ' . . . but livelier . warren beatty's " bulworth " is a caustic political comedy that doesn't attack any particular political group , but rather the ingrained insincerity that has infected the american political system . some might think this film is vulgar , and in many ways it is . however , as loud and raucous as it is , " bulworth " speaks the truth , which is almost always ugly to hear . beatty , who directed the film and co-wrote the script with jeremy pikser ( " the lemon sisters " ) , stars as incumbent u . s . senator jay billington bulworth , who has one of the best politician names in cinema history . bulworth is a democrat , and in beatty's view , he is symbolic of everything that has gone wrong with the current democratic party . once an ideological liberal ( like beatty still is ) , bulworth has long since succumbed to the materialistic pressures of washington . instead of waging the battles for the impoverished and the downtrodden , which was once the calling card of democrats , bulworth has become another sell-out money hound - if he's not accepting illegal bribes from the insurance lobby or taking campaign contributions from the chinese , he's making wind-bag speeches that start with the amusingly clintonesqe statement , " america is standing on the doorstep of a new millennium . . . . blah , blah , blah . " when the film opens , it is a few days before the 1996 primary elections , and bulworth is sitting at his desk weeping because he realizes how corrupt he has become . in a fit of desperation , he takes out a $10 million life insurance policy from a dirty insurance rep played by paul sorvino ( part of a shady lobby deal to kill a threatening bill in committee ) , and then hires a hit man to kill him , although he doesn't know who the assassin will be , or when the hit will take place . knowing that he will soon be dead , bulworth unleashes his own brand of political rhetoric on the world , which is made up of politically incorrect truths about the state of american politics and the society in general . at a compton church , he tells the group of african-americans that they will have no power in the u . s . unless they " put down that malt liquor and chicken wings , and get behind somebody other than a running back who stabs his wife . " later , in a particularly hilarious sequence , bulworth mixes with the hollywood elite , then insults the quality of their movies and informs them that the only reason he's there is because " my guys always put the big jews on my schedule . " all throughout this physically and politically suicidal escapade , bulworth's chief of staff , dennis murphy ( oliver platt ) , follows behind in a state of constant shock and bewilderment . platt has some of the movie's funniest scenes , as he makes murphy into a politically savvy but nonetheless clueless assistant who is forced to watch his own career teeter at the brink of being flushed down the toilet . his constant half-truth-telling and spin-doctoring to cover bulworth's stampede is equaled in its perversion only by a self-righteous reporter ( nora dunn ) who acts like murphy's refusal to explain bulworth's actions ( something he really cannot do ) is somehow an act of treason . when bulworth decides he wants to live after all , and therefore must constantly evade a grim-looking assassin to be who's trailing him at every turn , he hides out in the ghetto , complete with a stereotypical gangsta wardrobe which he wears to one of his television interviews . at this point , beatty abandons much of the political aspect and dives into a cartoonish exploration of the black inner-city experience . bulworth becomes friendly with a young black woman named nina ( halle berry ) , who he meets at the harlem church rally . she has a tough-talking brother who is deep in debt to a local gangster named l . d . ( don cheadle of " boogie nights " ) , who also becomes involved in bulworth's campaign . some of the scenes in the ghetto ring true , but much of it feels like a lighter version of scenes depicted in more intense inner-city films like " boyz'n'hood " ( 1991 ) and " menace ii society " ( 1993 ) . " bulworth's " chief liability is beatty's insistence on having his character adopt a clumsy style of rap as his new communication device . instead of speaking at political rallies , he breaks into a kind of rhythmless rap style that is a reminder of why almost all hip-hop stars are black . it's hard to tell whether beatty is being humorous by being so bad , or whether he's actually that incompetent . at any rate , the rap sounds more run d . m . c . than snoop doggy dogg , which makes the film seem dated instead of contemporary . beatty would have been better off simply adopting some of the inner-city lingo and working that into his speeches , instead of trying to sound like l . l . cool j . other than that , " bulworth " hits all its targets with wry , hilarious accuracy . the film is like a letter bomb to the democratic party , and even if you don't agree with beatty's liberal message about the unrequited duties of the federal government , it is hard to deny the impact the film has in exploring the monetary and moral debauchery that infests modern politics . unlike " primary colors " which opened earlier this year , " bulworth " doesn't try to tip-toe around the truly painful issues that hit close to home - instead , it takes them dead-on . when i saw the trailer for this film , i laughed harder than i had in quite some time . while i was therefore pretty well psyched to see it , i was ever mindful that a trailer can make even the most mediocre film look good . i'm happy to say that there's something about mary is not one of those trailer let-downs . in fact , watching this film was quite a fine way to spend two hours . the film opens up in flashback to 1985 , at a high school in cumberland , rhode island . ted stroehmann ( ben stiller ) is a social reject who can't seem to get a date to the upcoming prom , until he comes to the defense of the mentally retarded warren ( w . earl brown ) , who's being harassed by one of the school jocks . it seems warren's sister is the campus queen , mary jensen ( cameron diaz ) , who is impressed with ted's willingness to stand up for her defenseless brother , despite a very real chance of getting beaten up . mary takes an immediate liking to ted and asks him to the prom . ted was just flattered that she even knew his name . unfortunately , prom night is ruined when ted has an accident with his zipper ( at which every man in the theater will wince ) , and is sent to the hospital . fast forward to the present , where ted has cleaned himself up , now writes for a magazine , but has weekly therapy sessions in order to deal with his obsession of the past 13 years : mary , whom he hasn't seen since that fateful day . with the help of his friend dom ( chris elliott ) , ted hires slimy private investigator pat healy ( matt dillon ) to track down his only love . however , when pat finds mary , he falls for her too , and soon the both of them are competing for her affections . there's something about mary is directed by bobby and peter farrelly , who brought us dumb and dumber and kingpin . not exactly intelligent comedies , they are of the guilty pleasure variety where you might not want your friends or co-workers to think you had such a great time watching them . with their current film , the farrelly brothers have come up with something you'll not only enjoy , but also won't mind talking about the next day at the water cooler . the film succeeds in employing a pretty wide range of comedic styles , from the subtle to the ridiculous , and while a few of the gags might be offensive to some ( seeming like residuals from the farrelly brothers' last two films ) they almost all work . i have not seen many movies in the recent past that shoot for the mark and so often hit it dead on . one minute you'll be laughing at something ted says , and the next you'll be howling at the sight of a dog dragging him across the floor of mary's apartment . one of the great things this film has going for it is ben stiller . he is perfectly cast in the role of ted , because he's a guy who just looks awkward in almost every situation . ted's a nice fellow and tries to do his best , but for some reason or another things just don't always work out . it's comical , but also has that kind of appeal where you really feel for the him and want him to come out on top . actually , i've liked stiller since he did a short which aired on saturday night live back in the mid-eighties . the film was like a theatrical trailer for a spoof on the tom cruise/paul newman film the color of money , entitled the hustler of money . in it , stiller played wince ( not vince ) who is taken under the wing of an older man ( played by john mahoney ) to become a big-time bowling hustler . it was parody at its finest , more of which showed up in the short-lived " the ben stiller show " on the fox network in late '92/early '93 . like " the critic " ( which aired on abc , then fox ) , i still mourn that show's cancellation . cameron diaz is absolutely enchanting for most of the film , although her character seems obsessed with perfection in the men she dates , and some of the qualities she looks for make mary look paper-thin at times . however , diaz pulls the role off with such panache and charm , that you can still see why she's got guys just falling over each other to be with her . heck , i even found her laugh to be cute , even though i thought it was annoying during an appearance she made on the tonight show last week . my girlfriend remarked that matt dillon doesn't change , and you know , it's really true . he and ralph macchio must hang out or something . maybe they live in dick clark's pool house . anyway , here's another good piece of casting , as dillon slips beautifully into the role of the guy who tries to worm his way into mary's heart . the supporting performances are also good . chris elliott has a bigger part than in the abyss ( yes , check it out next time ) , and less annoying than in cabin boy . lin shae , who plays mary's neighbor magda ( and also appeared as the landlady in kingpin ) , provides some good laughs , especially in scenes with her benji-like dog , which acts as the focal point for a few of the funniest moments of the film . lee evans , as mary's friend tucker , displays a flexibility in acting and accents which surprises and contributes to an interesting plot twist . the farrelly brothers and scriptwriters ed decter and john j . strauss keep the comedic pacing going so that there aren't any noticeable times where the film drags . the only problem i saw was their use of a couple of musicians who provide segues between several key scenes . they appear out of nowhere and actually sing plot-relevant information right toward the camera . it's a device which was amusing for about three seconds when they opened the film . after that it got a little annoying , and it's unfortunate that those spots interrupt what would otherwise be a smooth flow . fortunately , filled with sight gags , humorous lines , and solid comedic acting , there's something about mary will still have you laughing after you leave the theater . plot : a young recruit gets plucked out of nowhere by the number one gangster in london and quickly becomes a staple by his side . but this new guy is not like all the others , he's got ambition , he's got goals and he loves everything he sees about being the number one gangster . violence , lots of swearing and betrayals ensue . critique : a very good , serious-minded , unique british gangster flick which misses the " great " mark by way of an annoying voice-over popping up throughout the film and a so-so ending . here's yet another cool crime movie that actually manages to bring something new into the mix . okay , so it's not entirely new , but it's definitely original when all put together as done here . the thing i liked most about this movie was its authentic portrayal of the time period in which it was taking place . it's 1968 and these dudes are looking good ! yes , it's all about the suits , fellas . . . the italian shoes , the cufflinks , the ties and the birds ( that's ladies , for those uninitiated ) hanging around you . here are a bunch of horrible men , gangsters if you will , looking sharp , talking shit and busting heads all over the place . but that's not the basis of this movie . the basis of this film comes in the relationship between the number one gangster in the group , the excellent david thewlis , and one of his cronies , paul bettany , also extremely good in this film , and how the power , sex appeal and coolness of one , affects the other . you know how there are always these " hanger-on " gangster types who latch on to the godfathers , the leaders , the top dogs of every crime organization ? well , most of the time , these dudes are screened beforehand and are loyal to only one person . . . that is , their boss . so all the gangster number one needs to worry about is his enemies on the other side of the fence . but this film brings the betrayals , the messed up loyalties , the honor codes among bad guys into play within the same group and presents it in quite the stylistic package . of course , director paul mcguigan isn't trying to be guy ritchie here , and doesn't over-stylize his presentation , jazz it all up with a hip soundtrack or add any humor to the mix . nope , he goes straight for the serious stuff and develops at least two particular scenes which are still embedded in my mind as i type this . the first is a confrontation sequence between bettany and a man from which he's attempting to sway some information and it is downright nasty ! ( " look into my eyes ! " ) in fact , the last time that i've seen a guy so scared in a movie was john turturro in that forest scene from the coen brothers' miller's crossing . scary shite . but there's an ever better scene than that in this film . this one features bettany , once again , slowly torturing , hacking and beating the living piss out of a rival gangster ( from that man's point-of-view ) , but not before turning on a quaint little tune in the background and removing all of his own expensive clothes , one by one ( that's right , he " does " the guy in his underwear ) . that scene is also in tune with some of the obvious phallic and homoerotic undertones present throughout this film , especially in the relationship between bettany and his boss ( why does he get so upset when he falls in love with that woman ? ) . but the flick's not perfect . in fact , i didn't mind malcolm mcdowell's voice-over narration at first , but as the film grew into a major flashback ( most of the film is presented as such ) , he came in every now and then , and rarely added anything of interest to the plot . all he seemed to do was swear and call people the c-word umpteen times , and even described one scene as it was happening ( " . . . so i opened the door , then went up the lift , etc . . . . " -it's like , yeah , i know that already , i could see it on the screen ! ! overdone . ) . i also didn't quite " buy " the ending of the movie , which despite being original , seemed a little unbelievable , especially when you consider that it's supposed to be taking place 30 years later , and folks still seem to be holding grudges , still in love , still living in the same apartments ? ? ! ? i mean , c'mon . . . it's 30 years , man ! ! i don't know , somehow it didn't work all that well for me . but one of my favorite genres has always been the crime movies , and this one is a decent addition to the lot . forget the lame title and malcolm mcdowell's narration of the obvious plot points , and concentrate on the film's stronger attributes such as its style , the exquisite atmosphere of the time period , its original look at the gangster dynamic within the same group , its memorable sequences and the solid performances from its two main leads , bettany and thewlis . incidentally , unlike a few of the gangster flicks that i mention below , this one is in no way a parody or homage to this genre of films . . . it's the real deal ! note : this film is packed with strong accents all around , which makes it hard to make out some of the words from time to time . it's also quite violent and i don't remember any film that used the c-word as much as this one , so leave the kids at home for this one . . . ; ) where's joblo coming from ? american psycho ( 10/10 ) - a clockwork orange ( 9/10 ) - donnie brasco ( 8/10 ) - fight club ( 10/10 ) - get carter ( 7/10 ) - godfather ( 10/10 ) - godfather ii ( 10/10 ) - goodfellas ( 10/10 ) - lock , stock & two smoking barrels ( 8/10 ) - pulp fiction ( 8/10 ) - reservoir dogs ( 9/10 ) bruce lee was a bigger-than-life martial artist ( and ) actor . bruce's unique character ( i . e . , self-produced sound effects , etc . ) and seemingly perfected martial art and physique were all well portrayed by the actor , james lee . the story is told from his wife linda's point of view where she put a lot of family and practical side of bruce lee's life . however , you can't help but like , whenever the fight scenes are on , what he can does with his body and that familiar bruce attitude and character . i also like the little bits of insight scenes about bruce lee's life before he became famous : scenes like bruce practicing pronunciation of english . it seemed as if he was no better than anybody else . scenes like bruce delivering chinese food as a delivery boy ridding a bike through the american college looking at the ( all-white ) students , cheerleaders , and athletes . it seemed he too wished for the american dreams and hopes . in conclusion , the movie was well made , it produced a realization of who bruce lee was , and actor james lee was so much like bruce you have to remind yourself that he is just an actor . and the fighting scenes were all excellent . so go see it and enjoy the movie . p . s . if you have seen the movie unforgiven by clint eastwood , then the feeling left after dragon was very much like the feeling you got after the unforgiven . clint eastwood , in his ripe old age , is cashing one talent in for another . midnight in the garden of good and evil is an eastwood-directed film clint isn't even in , and it's damn good . adapted from a best-selling john berendt novel based on true events , this movie is set in the bizarre georgia town of savannah , where people walk invisible dogs and attach horseflies to their head . and that's just the mayor . as director and producer , eastwood contributes a self- indulgent but very competent 150 minutes , neatly balancing drama , suspense and humor . like all great movies , midnight in the garden has a lot of funny moments that spring from the characters themselves , and not from some contrived , juvenile intrusion . the acting , from big-time stars john cusack and kevin spacey , is as good as you'd expect , but it's the supporting stable that gives the movie its offbeat charm . cusack plays a free-lance reporter sent to savannah to write a fluff story for town & country magazine about one of eccentric millionaire spacey's parties . lots of food , beverages and gunplay . yes , an employee of spacey's has a huge argument in front of cusack and later turns up dead . it seems like a simple matter of self- defense -- the guy threatened spacey , shot at him , missed , then spacey took him out -- but being a movie , there's much more to it than that , and cusack decides to stay in town and write a book about the murder , a book which will eventually become a movie he will star in . the weird circle of entertainment . this is where the stable of supporting characters comes in . there's the requisite sexy woman ( alison " nepotist's daughter " eastwood ) , the strange piano player , the voodoo woman and the transvestite . miss chablis deserves a paragraph of his/her own , as the stealer of every scene she appears in -- what would this movie be without the castilian scene and her testimony ? chablis , playing herself , is five times funnier than reigning drag queen rupaul , but never seems exploited as the movie's comic relief or out of place in a basically serious movie . there are also a fair share of courtroom scenes , which these days almost never seem welcome in a movie , but even here clint manages to keep the movie fascinating . certainly the characterizations of the judge and spacey's lawyer both help immensely , as does having the fly-guy as the jury's foreman . it's here we realize the case boils down to an indictment of spacey's homosexuality . yes , spacey had a sexual relationship with the dead man -- before he shot him , of course . midnight in the garden of good and evil isn't a classic , but it is one of the better celebrity-directed , true-story best-seller adaptations out there . likewise , no one from this movie will be getting any oscar nominations , but the performances are all great . in fact , i'd almost recommend that the academy add a best supporting transvestite category . serving america for more than 1/25th of a century ! meet joe black is your classic boy-meets-girl , boy-likes-girl , boy-gets-killed-in-horrible-accident , supernatural-entity-takes-over-boy's-body , supernatural-entity-falls-in-love-with-girl story . based on the 1934 film death takes a holiday , meet joe black is a well acted romantic drama which explores the meanings of life and love . william parrish ( anthony hopkins ) is a billionaire businessman on the brink of his 65th birthday . he has built a huge media empire , and raised two beautiful daughters , allison ( marcia gay harden ) and susan ( claire forlani ) . william has been able to negotiate his way out of many tough spots . . . but he has suddenly begun fearing his own mortality , the one situation he won't be able to talk his way out of . and he has good reason to fear , for death himself is stalking him . however , death has a deal to make . death has taken possession of a man who has recently died ( brad pitt ) , and wants william to be his guide in a holiday among the living . in return , william gets to live a few extra days . of course , he agrees . death , under the human name of " joe black " , gets to experience life as a complete innocent . he never before has experienced the simple pleasures of a springy matters or peanut butter . and he's not quite compared for the more complex pleasures when he and susan fall in love . but , is their affair doomed to an early demise ? at nearly three hours in length , meet joe black is a little bit on the leisurely side , though it never gets boringly lengthy . instead , the film gets a chance to develop some nicely textured characters and situations . you get to soak in and enjoy the atmosphere , rather than being hurriedly rushed through it . the romantic angle works well , though , surprisingly , the interactions between joe black and william parrish are more interesting than those with his daughter . this is most likely due to anthony hopkins , who once again displays his superb acting skills . william is a desperate man who has had a seemingly ideal life , and doesn't want to let it go . by contrast , claire forlani is merely the romantic interest . she gets to show joe the ropes of love , but is hardly as interesting a character . as joe black , brad pitt seems a bit stilted . granted , he's supposed to be out-of-place , but the overly formal technique used by pitt begins to distract from the role . still , he is able to hold his own , and over the course of the three hours , his character begins to grow on you . the main character who seems out of place here is drew ( jake weber ) , an ambitious executive in williams' company who is joe black's main rival for susan's affections . weber plays the character with a hammy relish reminiscent of snidley whiplash . this cartoonish foil an aberration in a film filled many more dimensional characters . the supernatural elements of the film are handled murkily , but never distractingly so . we never learn what is the exact nature of death , or why he's never done something like this before . it actually gets a bit creepy when death talks to the dying in their own voices/accents . ( his initial conversations with hopkins sound shockingly like hannibal lecter . . . ) and the ultimate resolution to one of the film's supernatural problems seems , well , somewhat superficial . still , even with the film's length , it was a pleasant time at the movies , something you wouldn't necessarily expect from a film about death . . . but one which meet joe black delivers anyhow . buffalo ? 66 is a very rarely known movie that stars vincent gallo and christina ricci . gallo plays a very troubled man , who was sent to jail for gambling . once out of jail , he must visit his parents , who he told he was married . the truth is he isn't married . to try to impress them , he kidnaps a girl ( christina ricci ) from a tap dancing class to act as his wife . the film is very cheaply made , and it shows it throughout a lot of the movie , but you don't need money to make a good film . buffalo ? 66 doesn't always stay with the realistic concept , and sometimes goes through outrageous events . gallo's parents , played by angelica huston and ben gazarra , are two very strange individuals . the mother plays a football fanatic and the father plays a quiet man with odd habits . gallo and ricci arrive at his parent's house , and some extremely funny scenes take place within the house . ricci's performance during the scene at gallo's parent's home are very well done . there is constantly humor involved in the interesting dinner table scenes . the way the movie was filmed in this particular part of the movie were interesting and creative . they seemed very mediocre , but they worked out just fine . gallo's character is developed very well . the impression that he is very depressed and confused is very clear . gallo gives a performance that makes you believe what the character is going through . his character goes through many , many problems , just like many people in real life . this character seemed very realistic to me . ricci's character is funny and different . she doesn't care much that she has been kidnaped , in fact , she falls in love the man who kidnaped her ! ricci is a very wonderful actress and she is starting to get the recognition that she deserves . buffalo ? 66 isn't all laughs though . many scenes are very dramatic and depressing . gallo's character was so realistic , he was extremely disturbing . some scenes are supposed to come off as funny , but they actually seemed sad and real to life . the film sometimes drags along , not giving much material . i really would have liked to see gallo's parents a lot more , and i would have liked to see the characters developed more . overall , buffalo ? 66 isn't as good as some people put it up to be . the bottom line- a few hysterical scenes save this film from sinking to the bottom . after being hypnotized , a man believes there is a ghost in his house . the review two low-key summer horror films have become surprise financial successes this year : the blair witch project and the sixth sense . each has made well over $100 million in north america , based on a combination of strong word of mouth and clever advertising . if a film's box office take were based primarily on its quality , stir of echoes would join blair and sense in grossing far more money than expected , for it is as scary , if not scarier than the other two . writer/director david koepp has given artisan entertainment , the folks who distributed blair witch a second creepy hit . the story gets going after tom witzky ( bacon ) , an average blue-collar dad , gets hypnotized by his wife maggie's ( erbe ) sister lisa ( douglas ) at a party . while the hypnosis goes as expected to the party-goers , it triggers something in tom's head . things begin to change around him ( blinking red lights let off a strange hum , for example ) , and he fights to stay in control of his own senses . where these experiences take tom , maggie and their son jake ( cope ) , who tom thinks might have some answers , is down a dark path that will scare and disturb you . david koepp keeps the action localized ; the majority of the action takes place at tom's house or just down the street . by keeping things at home , koepp is able to proceed without having to resort to any clumsy segues ( montages of driving down roads as we move from one city to another etc . ) . unfortunately , the dread and spookiness of stir of echoes are frequently interrupted by moments of levity . humour can take the tension away from a scene faster than any shoddy special effect or poor acting . several tense moments become completely diffused by a few misplaced jokes . also , there are a couple of plot developments that are left unresolved , though to mention them would be to give too much away . kevin bacon handles the duel task of playing an everyman and a man losing his sanity admirably . his total lack of understanding of what is happening to him is believable , as are the reactions from his wife maggie . kathryn erbe is given a role meatier and better written than that of most " wife who can no longer handle her husband " parts . while it is still a supporting role , her maggie is moving as she watches both her husband and her son enter what she calls " a private club that i'm not invited to " , where they whisper about things all day long . as jake , zachary cope equals the performance of haley joel osment in the sixth sense , but gets less screen time . both children manage the same trick , making the audience creeped out by their apparent acceptance of the way things are . fans of blair and sixth sense will almost surely love stir of echoes . it combines the dread of blair , a creepy closed-in feel thanks to cinematographer fred murphy and great performances by the whole cast , specifically bacon , to give the fall its first genuine scary film . if only they had let up on the unneeded funny bits and tweaked the plot a bit more , this could have been one of the year's best . being the self-proclaimed professional film critic that i am , i am somewhat embarrassed to admit that i had not seen lawrence of arabia ( coming soon to dvd ) until only recently . after all , it's considered by just about everyone to be the masterpiece epic of director david lean , who also directed films such as bridge on the river kwai , and doctor zhivago . so one day , a friend of mine loaned me a copy of the video and i sat down and watched it . i was initially skeptical that something made almost 40 years ago would be able to keep my attention for the butt-numbing 3 1/2 hours of its duration . but now i fully understand why this has become the film that other epic films are judged against -- the winner of seven academy awards in 1963 for best picture , director , editing , cinematography , art direction , music , and sound . after watching the film again , i am convinced that it is simply one of the finest works of cinematic genius to ever illuminate the big screen . based on the autobiographical writing of british officer t . e . lawrence during world war i , lawrence of arabia depicts lawrence ( played by then-unknown actor peter o'toole ) as a lieutenant lacking any sort of military discipline whatsoever . bored with his assignment of coloring maps for the british army in a dimly lit headquarters building , lawrence jumps at the opportunity to be re-assigned as an observer for an arabian prince fighting against the turkish army . lawrence quickly sees just how caring and great these desert dwelling people can be and ends up rallying the various tribes together to fight the turks and help the british turn the tide of world war i . shot in panavision's famed super 70mm format , the film beautifully illustrates the definition of the word epic . it is absolutely breathtaking . using stunning cinematography , costuming , and direction , shot in the most uninhabitable location on the face of the earth , i can only imagine what it must have been like to sit in a theater in 1962 and watch this story unfold before my eyes . every shot is choreographed as a portrait -- a living tribute to a great land . david lean put his reputation on the line to get this film completed , and the fact that it was even greenlit in the first place says something about the ideology of the motion picture industry at the time , a far cry from its pathetic , uncreative existence today . after watching the film , the first thing that came to my mind was , " i've got to do a remake of this film ! " but then i thought about trying to pitch the idea to a modern-day movie executive : " okay , it's going to be almost four hours long and shot over three months on location in the sahara desert . we are going to need to blow up a full-size train because computer-generated effects probably wont do it justice . and we are not going to use any big stars , and won't have any female actors since there's no love story . " yes , my friends , the velvet curtain fell on the golden-era of hollywood a long time ago . but at least we still have the proof to show all would-be producers and directors out there just how good a film can be . my summer was recently saved by two very different movies . on opening night , i saw american pie 2 and laughed like a moron . then a few nights later , i watched and thoroughly enjoyed joel hershman's greenfingers even though it didn't feature a trip to band camp , girl-on-girl action , or seann william scott . however , i felt just as good leaving american pie 2 as i did after leaving greenfingers , which tells the offbeat tale of british murderer colin briggs ( clive owen of croupier ) . after spending roughly half of his life behind bars , he is transferred to a more lenient facility , edgefield . the picaresque , rustic prison allows its inmates to learn a trade , while enjoying accommodations generally found at most colleges . at first , briggs doesn't want to be there . he's used to living as a prisoner and wants to be left alone . however , his ailing roommate , fergus ( david kelly of waking ned devine ) , wears briggs down through his benign nature . the two become friends , with fergus giving colin a packet of violet seeds as a christmas gift . briggs is astonished when the violets grow in the limestone soil , and begins a fight with three other prisoners when an errant soccer ball smashes his beloved flowers . after the prison's governor ( warren clarke ) reprimands them , he's awed at what briggs has accomplished . and he's struck by an idea -- briggs , fergus and the other men will grow a garden on the prison's grounds . greenfingers , which is " inspired by actual events , " becomes a bit like a sports movie after that . despite their differences , the men come together and through hard work and love earn a spot at the big game -- in this case a prestigious garden show . one renegade , in this case , briggs , will prove to have talent . of course , love will also rear its head ( no , not " prison love " ) . to hershman's credit , he doesn't pump up the drama or try for cheap laughs , like last year's lame marijuana comedy saving grace . i had to keep pinching myself when i didn't see a single scene of a hardened con sneezing over a pot of pansies , or the men giving high-fives over a particularly stunning batch of wildflowers . the movie deals with people and scores on that concept . it's wonderful seeing briggs turn from a bitter prisoner to a man who cares again . give credit to owen for keeping his cool in a part that begs for overacting . his speech to the parole board about being reborn through gardening is the best scene of its kind since morgan freeman's last stand in the shawshank redemption . owen's bedside scenes with kelly , who lends the film a human touch , are a marvel to behold , emotionally gripping without being sappy . written by hershman , greenfingers contains plenty of laughs . most come courtesy of helen mirren , who shines as the world-class gardener who works with the inmates but fears for her daughter primrose ( natasha little ) when she starts dating briggs . the mother can't believe what he'll do if her daughter " burns the sunday roast . " nothing is forced in greenfingers . the funny lines come forth naturally in conversations and not from punch lines . primrose and briggs' relationship takes awkward steps . even when briggs decides to go back to edgefield , it's done for reasons of loyalty , not because the movie requires him to do so . after grimacing through the forced screwball antics of movies like america's sweethearts and the princess dairies , it's an almost indescribable pleasure to see a director taking his time to tell a story very well . so many students strive to get into schools such as harvard of princeton , but they just don't get the good grades . so many students would do anything to reach their goal of getting into this schools . legend has it that if your roommate commits suicide , the remaining roommates will get an automatic 4 . 0 . chris ( michael vartan ) and tim ( matthew lillard ) are two guys who really want the 4 . 0 to get into harvard . how far will they go to get their 4 . 0 ? chris and tim are also roommates with rand , played by randall batinkoff . the two scheme to murder rand , make it look like a suicide , so they can supposedly get their 4 . 0 . they have heard this rumor many places , and they are willing to take the chance to find out . rand is a very , very mean person . he treats his girlfriend natalie , played by tamara craig thomas , like she doesn't matter at all . she is very afraid of him , and she especially afraid now that she must tell him she is pregnant . she does tell him , and he becomes enraged . that night would be the last night of rand's life . tim and chris give rand a bottle of rat poison , making him think that it is beer . rand drinks down the poison , and then dies . now , tim pushes him off of a mountain with a suicide note near the site to make it look like he killed himself . it does not take long until the suicide note is found , but the body isn't found . the police question chris and tim about rand to try and find any information . feeling extreme guilt , chris is having a very hard time , especially with his girlfriend , emma , played by keri russell . she wants to know more , but he will not even speak with her . will he give in ? will tim turn chris in ? will chris turn tim in ? will they turn themselves in ? all of these questions were running through my mind while watching this slick suspense film . the events in the curve are very surprising , original , and fun . the plot sounds much like dead man on campus , but that is not the deal with this film . this film is a very serious one , with not many laughs . there are many twists and turns that make this film different from most films . the ending in particular is completely unpredictable and satisfying . it is a terrific , suspenseful ending that i could never predict would happen . hands down to dan rosen who wrote this wild ride . the sound really stood out in the film . it is quite eerie and it really adds to the feel of the film . the way the movie is filmed is also great . all of the technical aspects , as well as the acting and directing aspects are very well done . the performances in the curve are very good . matthew lillard gets to play another creepy role , just like in 1996's scream . ( a+ ) he is very strange in this film as well . i like him in this sort of role , rather than the roles he has been playing in comedies such as senseless and she's all that . michael vartan is fantastic as chris , who has extremely mixed emotions about the entire murder and the 4 . 0 . michael vartan was also superb in never been kissed , where he co-starred with drew barrymore as a teacher who fell in love with his student . keri russell also gives a great performance . she should be a good actress in the horror department of the film . tamara craig thomas is also realistic , especially coping with the death of her boyfriend . some very strong supporting performances came from smaller roles , such as bo dietl and anthony griffith who play two detectives investigating the case . the bottom line- i might just have to curve that a- into an a . * note- the curve premiered at the sundance film festival in early 1998 . it was decided the film would not be released widely . it is now available at blockbuster video only , and for rent only . see you at the video store ! available for rental - october 12 , 1999 10 things i hate about you is an update of the classic play , the taming of the shrew . that said , drop any pre-conceived notions of what shakespeare's work is supposed to be like and welcome yourself to padua high school , home of a student counselor ( allison janney ) who obsesses over the male penis ; a slightly too hip and racist african-american english teacher ( daryl mitchell ) ; a new kid named cameron ( joseph gordon-levitt ) ; a model named joey ( andrew keegan ) , the subject of cameron and joey's crushes ; bianca ( larisa oleynik ) ; and bianca's sister - the shrew ( julia stiles in a marvelous performance ) - whose name is katarina , kat for short . with movies about high schools similar to these running through projectors like water down the nile , it would be quite easy to write off 10 things i hate about you as just another doltish comedic-romance . yet , you must realize that the story is timeless , and a few hundred years later it is equally as witty and comical as when elizabeth gleefully looked on , groundlings below and stuffed brassieres on stage . the first reminder of the original scribe can be found in katarina and bianca's last name : stratford . their family is run by walter stratford ( pretty woman's larry miller ) , a doctor who is all too familiar with teenage pregnancy and guards his children accordingly . in what he thinks to be a moment of ironic humor , the family " no dating " policy is amended to " bianca can date . . . when [katarina] does . " with prom just ahead , bianca's fate is grim ; unless , of course , she can tame the shrew . don't think this mission to be a simple one , as bianca kindly points out , her sister " . . . is a particularly hideous breed of loser . " getting katarina to date is complex and oftentimes confusing . when cameron , who likes bianca , learns of her father's new rule , he is quick to consult a friend for advice . the scheme they dream up is to fully exploit " someone with money . " in this case , that is joey - the other guy with a crush on bianca . cameron's friend , a loser by teenage verdict , convinces joey to pay someone who has enough guts to take the shrew out . the solution lies no farther away than the second blatant reminder of the master scribe : patrick verona ( heath ledger ) . this verona is far from fair ; rumor has it that he previously laid his scene in prison . moreover , katarina openly opined to the aforementioned english teacher that " hemingway was an alcoholic who hung around picasso , hoping to nail his leftovers . " the laws of high school cinema inexorably turn patrick and katarina into romeo and juliet . providing a constant reminder of the fact that this isn't exactly what shakespeare had in mind are the elements obligatory to a high school comedy : a party polluted with liquor , a best friend's betrayal , and prom . it is the latter that has become infamous for closing films like drive me crazy , american pie , never been kissed , carrie , she's all that , and can't hardly wait . yet surely even these practices have roots in shakespeare ; falstaff was a drunk , romeo and juliet met at a party , and caesar learned about loyalty the hard way . my filmcritic . com colleague norm schrager nailed session 9 , brad anderson's throwback to spooky horror films from the 70's . it worked as an eerie homage without being self-referential or smugly postmodern . genre aficionados will acknowledge the similarities in tone to stanley kubrick's the shining and george romero's dawn of the dead without being taken out of the engrossing narrative ( i . e . , a psychologically addled waste management team clears out an abandoned lunatic asylum ; unspeakable dread ensues ) . in a double-whammy for 2001 , anderson shoots and ( mostly ) scores again with his eclectic riff on time-travel episodes from the twilight zone , appropriately titled happy accidents . much like session 9 , the cards are played very close to the vest here . is boyish , eccentric " sam deed from dubuque , iowa " a futuristic voyager from the year 2470 or just your run-of-the-mill psychologically disturbed nutcase let loose on the present-day streets of nyc ? as played by wonderful character actor vincent d'onofrio ( full metal jacket ) , it's up in the air whether or not we should accept his detailed monologues about life after the polar ice caps have melted . the question proves to be moot , at least for a time . even if the whole thing proves to be a creative delusion , one agrees with the character judgment passed down on him by his new girlfriend , ruby ( marisa tomei ) : " he's a freak , but he sure tells a good story ! " neurotic ruby thinks she may have found true love after a series of nightmarish dating disasters ( the junkie , the fetishist , the artist , the frenchman , etc . ) , but isn't quite sure how to handle " sam deed " when he starts explaining the barcode on his arm , his elaborately constructed fake identity , his pathological fear of dogs , his ability to speak five different languages , and his mission to change a crucial moment in time that may have ramifications on time's alternate realities . ( don't ask . ) it's all a bit much to take in . ruby's close friend gretchen ( cuz ya can't have a love story without the token friend , though nadia dajani invests the thankless role with warmth ) chalks it up as a sexy role-playing game , but her cautious therapist ( holland taylor ) warns her that co-dependency is rearing its ugly head again and she's in over her head with yet another doomed relationship . who ya gonna believe ? despite her winning an academy award , marisa tomei has always struck me as an annoying and unwelcome screen presence , one that undermines the pleasure of watching happy accidents . her brassy new yawk attitude never really meshes with her desperate desire to appear " cute " to her adoring fans . being loud and flashing a ( disingenuous ) smile does not necessarily equal " substantial and sexy . " it takes more than a crack team of hair and wardrobe people to imbue her with personality . then there's that damned voice , which strains to be oh-so-adorable . look , this stuff is purely subjective . some people feel this way about richard gere , others cannot bear to watch robin williams' hyperactive schtick . for my money , it's m . tomei with a bullet . happy accidents is a romantic comedy filtered through twelve monkeys ( or , more appropriately , chris marker's la jetee , especially with those still framed " memory " photographs anderson employs as a stylistic device throughout ) . modern manhattan is filmed with an otherworldly , vaguely alien eye with a color scheme oddly reminiscent of logan's run . as the stranger in a strange land , d'onofrio walks slightly out-of-step , wonderfully affable but often inscrutable with his wayward expressions and bemused detachment . this is science fiction told mainly via the power of suggestion ( though it often falls into the sci-fi trap of having entirely too much forced exposition -- we want deeds , not words ! ) at least twenty minutes too long , happy accidents eventually gets around to a race-against-time scenario that puts " sam deed " to the ultimate test . no movie can live in ambiguity forever , but anderson seems terminally unable to provide satisfactory conclusions to his otherwise well structured recent narratives . ( let's pretend the loathsome and predictable next stop wonderland never happened , shall we ? ) there are also some slow , repetitive stretches as ruby and sam go over the same arguments again and again over whether or not he's crazy . the premise is strong enough to sustain interest , but it's enough to throw a nod in the general direction of rod serling for wrapping up his ideas in half-hour time slots , commercials included . what i look for in a movie is not necessarily perfection . sometimes a movie has such strong ideas that despite whatever flaws it may have , i will prefer it to a better-made film that is not as thought-provoking . the thin red line is flawed but it provokes . terence malick returns to filmmaking 20 years after days of heaven and produces this meditative look at war . unlike this year's saving private ryan , which dwells on war as a necessary evil and explores the moral ambiguities thereof , the thin red line simply says war is waste . while that might seem obvious to some , only after experiencing the film do you realize how profound a waste it is . saving private ryan has an underlying and practical acceptance that war will occur and it has a great cost ; the thin red line says idealistically avoid this at all costs . one message is not necessarily more correct than the other . it just depends on one's point of view . in malick's film , war is set in a tropical paradise , and john toll's cinematography is beyond lush . the setting poses the question , why are we fighting in the face of such beauty ? in saving private ryan , the capture of a german soldier presents the moral quandary of whether to let him go . in the thin red line , the japanese present the moral quandary of war in the first place . they are just like the americans -- frightened and angry , grieving and praying . all that separates them is war . the flaw in the thin red line comes in the voice-overs . unbelievable as coming from the characters and sometimes pretentious , sometimes corny , the voice-overs tell us what the images before us already do and are completely unnecessary . dispensing with them , malick could have achieved a tarkovskian grandeur . instead , he gets distracting self-consciousness . aside from that , malick's direction is stunning . the tracking shots across windswept hills and around transports speeding toward shore are extraordinary . sean penn , elias koteas , and nick nolte give the best performances . penn is subtle as a sergeant trying to hide his humanism , koteas is genuine as a compassionate captain , and nolte startling as a colonel whose blood vessels are about to burst if he cannot win his battle . john travolta and george clooney are the worst in cameo roles . ultimately however , the thin red line's interest is not in the characters and it is not in drama . it has been frequently criticized for its lack of dramatic structure , but malick clearly has different things on his mind . has no one ever thought that getting dramatic entertainment from war is exploitative ? what malick is working with is theme , and in that , the thin red line is most provoking . mike myers , you certainly did throw us a ? frickin' bone here in what you call ? the biggest austin powers adventure yet . ' austin powers : the spy who shagged me is the sequel to the 1997 smash comedy austin powers : international man of mystery . many are skeptical about sequels , saying that the sequel is never better or as good as the original , but austin powers : tswsm goes beyond the first film . austin powers : the spy who shagged me stars mike myers in three different roles . he reprises his role as the title character , austin powers , the shagadelic spy whose body was frozen in 1967 , and unfrozen in 1997 to stop his long time nemesis dr . evil , also played by mike myers , from destroying the earth . tswsm leaves off where the original stopped , with dr . evil's ? frisch's big boy' space capsule floating through space . dr . evil returns back to earth by ejecting from his capsule , plotting to go back in his time machine to the year 1967 , in which he plans to steal austin powers' " mojo " , what keeps austin going with spy talents . upon his return to his secret lair , which is now a starbucks coffee shop , dr . evil learns that his evil henchman , which includes the returning robert wagner as number 2 and mindy sterling as frau , have created a 1/8 size clone of dr . evil , which is later named mini me . the evil mini me replaces scott evil , played by seth green , as dr . evil's son in the madman's mind , because dr . evil thinks of scott to be only " quasi-evil . " dr . evil has always wanted a son that is evil just like him , and now he has one . dr . evil tells mini me , " you complete me , " in a loving manner . dr . evil loving ? wow ! mike myers' third role is as fat bastard , a scottish henchman of dr . evil's , who is sent to steal the mojo from austin powers' frozen body . austin powers learns of dr . evil's trip back into the 60s , and uses his own time machine to take him back to 1967 , to try to save his mojo before fat bastard gets a hold of it . once arriving in the year 1967 , austin travels to his " pad " , his smashing home/dance club , where he meets felicity shagwell , played by heather graham , a cia agent who is willing to help him in his journey to stop dr . evil . as the film progresses , hilarious one liners are thrown at us , mainly by dr . evil , for example , " don't go there , girlfriend ! " to the president of the united states . many witty gags take place , note the entire tent scene , and just plain , funny scenes which are so stupid- they're funny come a dozen per fifteen minutes . take for example , scott evil going on the jerry springer show complaining about how evil his father is . the way austin powers : tswsm uses its humor is clever , throwing a hilarious scene at you , followed by five minutes of one liners , followed by another outrageous scene , so you never stop laughing . there was honestly not one moment in austin powers : tswsm where i wasn't laughing . the last film that i laughed so hard in , was well , austin powers ! it is apparent that mike myers knew how funny this film was while writing it . the film even makes fun of itself in a line , something along the lines of , " it's funny how england and southern california look nothing alike . " tswsm was filmed in southern california , but was supposed to take place in england . i can tell you one thing- he is having a lot of fun with this enormously popular character , which is all over television , newspapers , magazines , and the movie theaters . i believe that dr . evil got more attention in the tswsm than austin powers did . dr . evil provided more laughs , more memorable moments , and more interesting dialogue than austin did this time around , who seems to missing the funny touch that he had in the first film . i felt that austin really did have his mojo taken away , but from screenplay writer mike myers , not fat bastard . also making a great addition to the series is mini me , who is played by verne troyer . even though the midget actor is 30 years old , he is adorable by dr . evil's side constantly . the first austin powers film had barely any sentimental quality , such as lack of character development , barely any detailed plot characteristics , and barely any good acting , but austin powers tswsm actually shows some quality behind the frequent humor . mike myers , with his three roles , acts as eddie murphy did in the nutty professor , disguising himself completely in one of the roles . ( fat bastard ) all three characters are different , and mike myers does do a good job handling each one of them . heather graham made a great addition with her talent to tswsm , and does a much better job than elizabeth hurley did , who gave a very flat performance in the original , speaking her lines without any feeling or emotion . speaking of hurley , she can be seen in tswsm for a few brief moments . hopefully , graham tags along for future austin powers adventures . the bottom line- a groovy sequel that mike myers put all of his mojo into writing . it is with hesitance that i call " apocalypse now " a masterpiece . certainly , it had the pedigree to be one of the greatest films ever made , with a director known for producing masterpieces with ease , and some of the finest actors of the 1970's . the plot , an adaptation of joseph conrad's " heart of darkness " , was set in vietnam , and the timing of the film was supposed to be brilliant , coming on the heels of the end of the war . " apocalypse " certainly has its moments , some of which are the finest in film history . the plot is fairly simple . captain willard ( sheen ) , is a troubled soldier who came back to hanoi for a 2nd tour of duty . his mission is simple : take a boat up to cambodian territory , and destroy the command of renegade colonel kurtz ( brando ) " with extreme prejudice " . along the way , willard runs into a series of adventures , including one with lt . col . kilgore ( duvall ) , and a strange encounter with playboy bunnies . willard' s four person crew finally make it to kurtz' compound , where he discovers kurtz has set himself up as a god among the natives . willard's experiences with kurtz take up the last half-hour , with a confrontation and eventual ending . the movie is visually breathtaking . the battle scenes are exquisitely done , and the score is brilliant , setting a murky mood of darkness that is first-rate . the collage of disturbing images that coppola presents is at times both astonishing and sickening . the vast amount of detail poured into every war scene is stunning , and there are many episodes that are deeply powerful which resonate through the entire movie . the journey to kurtz' camp is quite a ride , with psychosis setting in on almost every character . the most interesting one is kilgore , the lt . col . who cares more about the surf than about the mission . it is at times revolting , psychotic , and incredible , and it is one hell of a movie . the scenes are bold , inventive , and powerful , and the acting is stunning , especially be sheen , duvall , and fishburne . the narration is exquisite , as is the mystery of kurtz . coppola sets about a hallucinatory ride through vietnam , kind of like " saving private ryan " on lsd . the film is jarring in its implications , and psychotic in its execution . the problems come when the film slows down . one of the major scenes in the film , where the boat arrives at the final army checkpoint before they start their search for kurtz , is a colossal mess . the dialogue is confusing , the lighting is atrocious , and the scene drags on for 10 terrible minutes of film . the true problems happen after the crew does come into the kurtz compound . the film slows down to a drag . sheen seems forever captured by a madman , played by brando is a lazy performance that is not deserving of the accolades it received . brando is in the film for no more than 15 minutes , but is bathed in shadows the entire time , making the last half hour of the film visually pathetic . the scenes are poorly done , the dialogue is muffled , and the whole mess is utterly confusing beyond all belief . sheen seems to adore this man , but why the viewers are never told . the entire journey is supposed to be a prelude for a stunning entrance of this god-like kurtz , but the scenes fall way short of expectations . granted , it has its moments , which are brutally horrific , but the general feeling is one of confusion . brando mumbles his lines in a incoherent stir , and my feeling was that this could never be a great man , this could never be a man who inspires hundreds to follow him , so why do they do it ? there are moments of brilliance , but the visual confusion dilutes the power of the scene . there are too many questions left unanswered with the character of kurtz to have a satisfying ending . the finest scene at the end is sheen's escape , and his entrace into the temple . his rise out of the water , with the smoke coming off of his slicked head , is a brilliant 30 seconds of film . yet , you cannot shake the feeling that there is so much more this film could have done . the psychotic ride is unforgettable at times , and indeed the film on the whole is very good . it is a stunningly flawed expression of film , for it addresses major issues , such as man's mental stamina during bouts of war . but one still cannot shake the feeling that this film could have so much more powerful , had the character of kurtz been more explored , and had sheen truly succumbed to the fate that the viewer thought he was destined for . there is too much good material in here not to be called a masterpiece , but it could have been so much more rewarding . the verdict : spine-chilling drama from horror maestro stephen king , featuring an outstanding , oscar-winning performance from kathy bates . geez , french and saunders had a field day when they set to work on parodying this ! sorry , non-british readers may not be familiar with french and saunders - my apologies . the pair are british comediennes ( jennifer saunders later went on to become edina monsoon in " absolutely fabulous " ) , who did a series of film spoofs a few years back , including alien , the exorcist and misery . needless to say , amidst her chucklesome impersonation of kathy bates ( the resemblance was quite uncanny ! ) , dawn french got pretty nasty with her sledgehammer when in reach of jennifer saunder's legs ! but despite the lingering memory of their sketch , and although i've now seen the film a couple of times now , that " hobbling " scene was no less disturbing ! i'm still left screaming at the telly in revulsion ! that may be the most memorable scene , but it's certainly not the only worth watching . stephen king , whose film and tv adaptations tend to vary in quality , strikes gold with this simple yet strikingly compelling tale . it's a nicely crafted psychological horror , which effortlessly succeeds in drawing you into the plight of writer phil sheldon ( james caan ) . rescued from a car accident by annie wilkes ( bates ) , who introduces herself as the writer's " number one fan " , he soon becomes her prisoner . both the script and kathy bates' beautifully masterful performance ( for which she won an oscar ) work arm-in-arm as we quickly begin to realise that beyond her bubbly exterior the woman is basically as nutty as a fruit-cake ( or is that fruity as a nut-cake ? ) . bates relishes her demanding role , and her performance is nothing short of a masterpiece . at times she seems like an innocent victim of her own obsessive behaviour , at times she's a rather tragic character , and more often than not she's just damned scary ! this is basically a very simple tale , but it achieves a large degree of eloquence in its simplicity . it's an involving , engrossing experience - and considering it's basically a two-hander , mainly set in one locale , it's a remarkable piece of cinema . there are no jazzy special effects or cheesy action sequences - this one relies solely upon rob reiner's stylish directing and the wonderful performances of bates and caan . oh , i haven't really mentioned caan yet - he does a good job as the writer who's a prisoner of his own success ( annie is obsessed with him and his books ) . but , as you no doubt gathered from the above - bates is well and truly the star of the show . along with the pig , of course ! anyway , the tension is built-up with masterful aplomb , and some scenes are almost agonisingly tense . there's the dinner scene where seldon goes to nerve-shattering lengths to poison her wine . he succeeds , but . . . she knocks the glass over ! i bet you threw a pillow at the screen as well ! in the immortal words of homer j . simpson - " d'oh ! ! " other nerve-wracking scenes include the bit where annie has gone off to town and sheldon starts snooping around the house . we cut to annie in her car - she's on her way home . . . he realises this and tries to get back to his room . . . cut to the car again , she's getting near . . . will he make it ? ok , so these sequences aren't exactly original , nor perhaps unpredictable - but they work ! boy , do they work ! if a film has you on the edge of your couch , biting your nails and shouting at the screen in suspense , then it's doing something right ! of course , the most nauseating sequence is the aforementioned " hobbling " ! annie realises her captive has been out of his room , and she's going to stop him once and for all . cue a block of wood placed strategically between his ankles and a huge sledgehammer , and . . . i feel ill just thinking about it ! nasty . it all builds up nicely to the final scene where sheldon finally gets the upper hand , and once and for all tries to kill the crazy psycho ! and then we're given one of the most ridiculously over-the-top fight scenes i've ever seen . she gets hit over the head with a typewriter , set on fire , head smashed against the wall - and she just won't die ! sheldon isn't in terribly good shape either . if it weren't so gorey it would almost be laughable . but it's a terrifically effective film , and therefore the daft climax is easily overlooked . misery is a tight , tense , intense and chillingly entertaining thriller . the directing is first-rate , and the performances - bates in particular - contribute to making this a suitably nightmarish little gem . wonderful stuff . ? - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - for more regularly-updated film and tv reviews , check out my site ! http : //www . geocities . com/hollywood/bungalow/4960 - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - * - an indian runner was more than a courier . he * became * the message he was carrying . what danger is a bear , to a message ? i used to think sean penn was an immature , arrogant , photographer- punching , madonna-marrying , loudmouth . but all that has changed now . the guy has grown up . and that's not all . it seems that sean penn has talents both as a writer and a director , if this film is any indication . one might imagine a movie with plenty of ruthless rage and showy machismo , given penn in charge of bronson and and hopper . but , no . this film is about a real struggle , and the victories and defeats are not simple . penn lets the story unfold at a pace dictated by the lives of the characters , without unnecessary rush or flash . the focus of the story is two brothers . david morse is the brother who has grown up in the small midwestern town in which they were raised , tending a failing farm and finally becoming a police officer . viggo mortensen is the wild brother , whose wild behavior seems to be a reaction to some ancient pain that he can't name , much less resolve . the film picks the story up on the day when mortensen returns from vietnam , and morse coincidentally encounters an armed youth fleeing for the state line . it becomes clear that some kind of conflict threatens the link that the brothers once shared . the film is unobtrusive , simple , direct , plain , and sincere . it isn't exactly perfect , but its sincerity is well invested in the struggle of the two brothers to identify the sickness before it destroys them . life seems to move forward a little faster than they can get a handle on their problems . this is a good film without big budget sets , or big name stars pushed into your face . in fact , i'm reviewing it because i suspect that it may not get much marketing . there were perhaps 10 others at the showing i saw . i thought the structure was clean and not oversimplified , though there are a few free-form sections which also work very well . the obligatory 1960s music seemed a little cliche , but what are you going to do--this movie * does * take place in the 1960s after all . in my opinion , it is worth full-price admission . seen july 8 , 1998 at the crossgates cinema 18 , ( albany , ny ) , theater #7 , at 8 : 15 p . m . with my mom using hoyts cinema cash . [theater rating : * * * 1/2 : very good sound , picture , and seats] it's very rare that any medium of entertainment can give one an authentic , vivid sense of reality and life . all stories are about select moments of time and places in the characters' lives , but only the truly great ones are able to define their realities well enough so the audience can experience it just as the characters do . therefore , " gone with the wind " deserves accolades for its ability to tell the epic story it does , in such a crafted , intricate , and entertaining manner . it's a crowning achievement , not only in filmmaking , but for storytelling itself . the film takes place in georgia before , during , and after the civil war . this plays a major factor in the film's success . to use such a historic setting presents many possibilities and problems since no one was alive at the time to verify its accuracy . it might also seem cliche , boring and other such deterent factors to potential viewers . can a story set so long ago be relatable now ? the film confronts all these problems , paradoxically , by not cronfronting them . it doesn't simply plug in the " right thing " at the " right time , " it creates an entire reality where everything makes sense and said concerns are irrelevant . building a strong foundation is important to all forms of media , without which , what is there to build on ? we're given some backstory here and learn a little about our characters , especially our main character , scarlett o'hara ( leigh ) , a beautiful southern belle with a will of steel , a cunning wit , and a tremendous sense of liberty in such an oppressive time . she knows how her society works , wherein everything she does can and will play a role in the shaping of her life and those around her . right from the beginning we realize how determined she is to have her way no matter what the consequences may be . being the most sought-after woman allows her to manipulate men ( and their women ) to ensure she gets her way , whether it be obvious ( i . e . who will be the one to get her food ) , or subtle ( i . e . getting married just to spite someone ) . the man she claims to love is ashley wilkes ( howard ) , a modest gentleman who does not seem to have the same passion for her as she does for him . he isn't so arrogant and demanding as scarlett , in fact , he's engaged to a woman with a personality much more like his . her name is melanie ( de havilland ) , and she is one of the sweetest , kindest , and most likable characters one will ever see . she and scarlett become very dear friends , but she never suspects the jealously scarlett has for her , and the love she has for her husband . her meekness is both her strongest and weakest characteristic - it defines who she is , but doesn't give her much emotional self-defense . acting a catalyst to the love triangle , and to the story as a whole is the daper , stong-willed , cunning , cocky southern business and military man captain rhett butler ( gable ) . he's quite a character all right - everyone listens to what he has to say even though he's got a bad reputation . butler makes no apologies for his vast amount of money nor his behavior . he tells everyone the much-needed truth in the rigid caste-like society where freewill doesn't seem to exist , everything is done out of honor and tradition . for example , in his first appearance butler tells his fellow southerners there's no way the south could defeat the north if war were to break out . this angers them , not for his lack of faith , but because he has the gall to say it aloud and boastfully at that . " do we have ammunition factories ? do we have food ? do we have a navy ? all we have is tobacco . " all true statements and yet the south still insists he's wrong . butler is a shifty character to be sure , but he takes such pride in his arrogance it's appealing . scarlett notices this too when she first sees him , and from the look butler gives her , we know he's not going to stop until he has her . but scarlett can't get past her need for ashley , and during a scene which sets the stage for the grand story , butler learns of this and continues to throw it back at scarlett forever . and so the story goes on , with scarlett being thrown obstacle after obstacle in her life . the conflicts she must overcome range from taking care of her entire family to finding a proper husband , especially after she is " marked " for life when her first husband dies . this gives the film many opportunities to bring in more characters into the epic story . some are vital for only a few scenes , but their true signifcance will endure throughout the film . in most films only a few characters exist for support in background , but this film is more realistic and believable as it incorporates a supporting cast the size of a small town and everyone has signficance . even people in the background seem more than just extras wandering the set . the costuming design is outstanding so that the film makes for a real sense of time and place . the filmmakers could have easily set more scenes indoors and narrowly focused to avoid having to show the outside , real world , but these types of simple approaches are never taken . the first half of the film depicts the traumatic experience the south faced at the last days of the civil war . fleming is able to convey the horror of it all by painting an image of destruction and letting the viewer decide just how bad it is . one scene has scarlett working as a nurse at a military hospital while we hear a soldier in the background screaming , " no ! not my leg ! don't cut off my leg ! " another scene shows her simplying trying to cross a street , but as the camera pulls back , we see that her path is blocked by hundreds of wounded soldiers , but it is their moaning that's more graphic than all the bloody gore could ever be . as the second half begins , the film concentrates more on scarlett as a completely independent woman who single-handedly takes care of her family and melanie just to spite the tyrany of the north . she manages to resurrect the family plantation , but all the willpower she has can't help her when she must pay exuberhant taxes set by the north after the south's ultimate defeat . this brings rhett butler back into the picture and thus begins their torrid love- hate relationship . most of the second half of the film is somehow related to the relationship ( or lack thereof ) between rhett and scarlett . each uses the other for personal gain , but at the same time they still feel an intimate connection with each other . scarlett continues to use her manipulative powers over men to get what she wants and because rhett can't help but want her more every time she tries to one-up him such as marrying another man and taking over his business . they say opposites attract , but the conflict between rhett and scarlett goes way beyond opposing personalities , it borders on magnetic polarization . they need each other and know this , yet they never seem truly happy together . perhaps they mistake love for passion , and the film leaves it up to us to make this call . both have things the other wants and vice versa , but when they compromise , is it just to get their own way or because they actually care for each other . love and the perception of love are two completely separate things and throughout the final act of the film , we're left wondering if rhett and scarlett ever truly loved each other and why . gable and leigh do have great chemistry , always leaving the viewer wondering which emotions were authentic and which were manufacture . all ? none ? either way is possible and it's a mystery that cannot be solved even upon repeated viewings . it's safe to say most of us won't live such overly dramatic lives as those in " gone with the wind , " but it's still a masterpiece for its ability to give us a sense that we've just experienced a life's worth of joy and pain . not since attending an ingmar bergman retrospective a few years ago have i seen a film as uncompromising in its portrayal of emotional truth as secrets & lies . like bergman , director mike leigh is interested in probing his characters' inner depths through hypernaturally blunt confrontations . also like bergman , leigh engages in frequent closeups of his characters' ravished and wracked faces . and the prominent mournfulness of a cello on the soundtrack recalls bergman's own use of a bach cello suite in an earlier film . all that is missing is a discussion of god . which is not to say that secrets & lies is nothing more than an homage to the swedish master . in fact , it is quite possible leigh had no such intentions in mind . nonetheless , what we get is so far removed from the average moviegoing experience -- even from the reason we go to the movies in the first place -- that it takes some effort to adjust to the film's rhythms . once the adjustment is made , however , there are great rewards . one such is the chance to see life on the screen as it really is . though leigh may have adopted some of bergman's stylistic touches , most obviously in an early scene of terse cross-cutting during a married couple's strained conversation , as well as in that somewhat obtrusive score , the overall feeling of the film is that it eschews any " style " at all . whereas bergman uses artifice as a tool to expose reality , leigh makes the camera a mere observer , almost as in a pbs documentary . the effect of this is to focus all of your attention on the actors . it is a tribute to everyone involved that , despite such scrutiny , only infrequently are we aware that anyone * is * acting . much has been made of brenda blethyn's performance , and rightly so , but it is only when you remind yourself that you are watching a fiction that you realize how good she is . there are a few missteps . for one , except for one scene ( tragicomic , as it happens ) , there is scant humor in the film . this leads to a certain monotonous tone throughout . and occasionally ( as with bergman ) the bluntness of the situations can seem forced . for all that , this longish film manages to keep hold of your attention . it is unfortunate that the audience for secrets & lies will most likely be limited to an intellectual elite , for there is nothing inherently intellectual about this film . in fact , it might easily resonate more strongly for millions of working class filmgoers who will likely never see it . there is even a sweet but significant irony in the film's unspoken take on race relations , something an american audience at least would do well to observe . nonetheless , secrets & lies is not for the faint of heart . though there is nothing physically horrific to make one squeamish , the exploration of common human frailty can be so raw and unsparing that it is tempting to turn from the screen . needless to say , it is also very depressing at times . but for many of us , of course , so is life . and though the film is too honest to tack on a phony happy ending , that same honesty allows it to admit that things can also get better . after a successful run in australia last year , and with much critical praise heaped upon it , muriel's wedding opens into medium release this weekend in north america . muriel heslop is a withdrawn , overweight young woman living in porpoise spit , australia . she is often the target of her father's frequent rants at the family , and drowns out her feelings of inadequacy with abba music and fantasies of marriage . her self-loathing is such that only being wed shall she prove herself to be a success ; marriage will transform her into a new person who is respected and admired . after her four cliquey friends dump her , muriel plots to follow them to a resort where they are celebrating the honeymoon of one of the girls , and muriel's wedding unfolds from there . toni collette plays muriel in a winning performance , conveying both the sadness of her character and her desperate eagerness to be accepted . collette gained a frightening 43 pounds in order to play the chubby title character . she has a natural screen presence and exudes charisma , easily winning the audience over with an honest , painful performance . collette basically carries the film , appearing in almost every scene . muriel's father , bill " the battler " heslop , is portrayed by bill hunter as a slick politician/developer . while chumming around with young fans and crowing 'you can't beat progress' ( his slogan ) , bill labels his family as worthless and embarrassments . rachel griffiths plays rhonda , who becomes muriel's cheeky new friend in the film . she has good chemistry with collette , and the film suffers when griffiths is off-screen . muriel's tormenters , played by pippa grandison , rosalind hammond , belinda jarrett and sophie lee , are two-dimensional caricatures , all saucy , vain and bumblingly spiteful , though that is probably due to hogan's scripting muriel's wedding is essentially a genre teen comedy with more intelligence and a lot of charm . hogan's use of abba tunes ( which virtually comprises the entire soundtrack ) is interestingly appropriate , although its repetitiveness tires after awhile . hogan's script is right on the mark in terms of proportionately mixing comedy with muriel's earnest quest for acceptance , and the gorgeous scene with muriel window-shopping beautifully illustrates the wonder that marriage has for her . the glaring pastel colours worn by the performers is an interesting touch . muriel's wedding features a fine performance by toni collette and a charming , if a bit too straightforward and conventional story by p . j . hogan . on my four star scale , i give muriel's wedding three stars . every once in a while , a film sneaks up on me and takes me completely by surprise . i don't necessarily mean in terms of quality ; rather , i'm referring to the mere knowledge of its existence . usually i know what films are on the way a year in advance , but two weeks ago i had never heard of princess caraboo . it has slipped rather quietly into limited release , and appears destined to slip out just as quietly . that's a shame , because princess caraboo is a delightful fable , romantic , gentle and very appealing . what's more , it's surprisingly insightful and provides a sharp-witted lesson in english social history . princess caraboo is based on an actual event in early 19th century england , involving a young woman ( phoebe cates ) who is found wandering the countryside . apparently unable to speak any english , she is taken in by good-hearted gentlewoman mrs . worrall ( wendy hughes ) . her banker husband ( jim broadbent ) is none-too-pleased about this strange houseguest , until the worralls begin to believe that the woman may be royalty from an east indian island , the princess caraboo . this development inspires plans for a lucrative trading venture for mr . worrall , and an introduction into elite social circles for mrs . worrall . however , local journalist john gutch ( stephen rea ) is not convinced that the woman is what she seems to be , and sets out to find out the truth about princess caraboo . as a social satire and comedy of manners , princess caraboo is a winner . it takes place in an era when it was common practice in england to jail vagrants and hang beggars , and that practice comes in for an obvious hazing . but it is handled most effectively through the character of mr . worrall , a drunken womanizer whose bank is in deep trouble thanks to his corruption and ineptitude . he is worse than one of the idle rich ; he is one of the actively odious gentry so eager to distance themselves from the lower class they think nothing of simply eliminating them , and since the house and money are all from mrs . worrall , he is a bit too close to them for comfort . while hypocrisy is an easy target for ridicule , director and co-writer michael austin keeps the treatment too light-hearted to be heavy-handed . he also takes a unique stab at the trendiness of the upper classes , as the princess becomes a " sensation " at court . in one of the film's best sequences , princess caraboo is the guest of honor at a party hosted by the prince regent ( a wonderfully foppish turn by comic john sessions ) , and the lords and ladies end up following her around in a thoroughly silly native dance . it is then that princess caraboo shows how easily people are swept up in " sensations , " an idea that takes on a timeless quality ( and makes the film an interesting companion piece to the current quiz show ) . social commentary aside , princess caraboo is simply an eminently enjoyable entertainment . the performers are mostly delightful , particularly phoebe cates , who is radiant in a part that requires a gift for pantomime . her supporting players are also appealing : wendy hughes as the patient and kindly mrs . worrall ; kevin kline as frixos , the worralls' suspicious and superior greek butler ; stephen rea as the world-weary but ultimately romantic gutch . only john lithgow is a disappointment , turning in a limp performance as a scholar who attempts to verify the princess's identity . the story twists and turns just enough so that the question of whether or not the princess is really a princess is always in some doubt , without becoming gimmicky . it is unfortunate that the growing attraction between gutch and princess caraboo isn't given more time to develop , because the potential seemed to be there . when it finally does blossom , it seems too quick to be plausible . princess caraboo is patient enough in establishing its sense of time and place that it might seem a bit slow to viewers seeking a fantasy romp . still , it has both escapist and intellectual appeal , and is well worth seeking out . it is the kind of film that makes my job its most rewarding--a hidden gem . " through a spyglass , i could see everything . " king louis xvi was beheaded on january 21 , 1793 , but instead of visualizing this act of regicide , legendary auteur eric rohmer's the lady and the duke observes from afar . consider it a view to a kill made abstract . a proper british ( yes , british ) gentlewoman , grace elliott ( lucy russell ) , and her loyal maidservant gaze from a lofty terrace in meudon at the glistening city of paris , where raucous crowds seem tinier than ants . the maid narrates what little she sees of the execution through her telescope ( often muttering , " i don't know , " ) as the sound of cheering patriots and revolutionaries echoes through the air . what we don't see might not be able to hurt us . just close your eyes and think of england . during times of revolution , the aristocracy may feel a false sense of calm in their parlor halls , discussing tumultuous events over glasses of sherry until the walls cave in on them . adapted from elliott's memoirs , journal of my life during the french revolution , rohmer's latest artistic tour-de-force may seem far removed from his domestic comedies ( tales of the four seasons , etc . ) , a period film set during the most violent changes in french history . resisting the temptation for grand-scale theatrics , much of the lady and the duke is about quiet , decisive moments between members of the cultural elite as they determine how to proceed as the world implodes . grace elliott makes for an unlikely protagonist : a headstrong , snobbish blueblood , one unprepared for the machinations of history that sweep her along . a foreigner who accepts the french king as her own , grace's life seems defined by fancy attire and lively political debate with her former lover , the king's hot-blooded cousin , prince philipe , duke of orleans ( jean-claude dreyfus ) . the times are changing , though , and the gears inch ever closer toward violence . during the september massacres of 1792 , she is encountered by a procession of rioters brandishing the head of the duke's sister-in-law on a stake . rohmer makes a harsh transition from tranquil , old fashioned , almost stagy parlor scenes to the swell of an angry mob . in doing so , he achieves what braveheart and the patriot could not : the face of death . when grace sees her friend's disembodied head on a pole , rohmer's attention drifts from the societal change to one woman's reaction shot , laden with hot tears . grace finds herself taking in a fugitive from justice , sheltering him from the mob . through her relationship with the duke , she seeks a passport for this one activist's escape . grace doesn't even understand her own actions ( and the duke reacts in stunned disbelief at how she places herself in such danger ) . she endures persecution from robespierre and his gang of thuggish equalizers , ceaseless police monitoring , house searches , even a brief imprisonment for harmless international correspondence . maintaining her stiff upper lip and pampered life ( her imperious attitude to the servants never changes ) , she becomes a heroine through circumstance . the events themselves are intrusions upon her person , her home , and therefore her values . aristocracy proves a glass house , one that can barely withstand the upheaval of stones . the duke is called to vote on the king's punishment , and despite his hours of deliberation with friends and advisors , talk means nothing in the face of bloody action ( or futile inaction ) . the episodic structure creates a wobbly , jarring detachment from the events of the french revolution , which serves as metaphor but also disconnects potential audience identification . lazy viewers ( and critics ) may also complain that knowledge of french history is required for enjoyment of the lady and the duke . that's foolery , but brings up the valid criticism that rohmer's characters occasionally become didactic . rohmer's imperfect but assured push toward the future remains staunch and notable for casting a cautious eye upon the past while taking bold steps forward into an uncertain future . what may arouse interest in the lady and the duke outside of foreign film enthusiasts with literary and historical passions is rohmer's use of cutting edge digital technology as a means of exploring the theme of artifice as safety net or coping mechanism . the actors were filmed against a bluescreen , then placed against painted backdrops recreating the vastness of 18th century paris . this recreation calls attention to itself in every shot , a technicolor dream of fanciful buildings and wide-open streets . it looks as phony as titanic , but unlike james cameron's debacle , the lady and the duke plays with the notion of false security in those walls of stone . why ? they aren't real . the very foundation rohmer's characters stand upon is false , and in their groundlessness they must discover themselves , in all their insubstantial glory . screened at the 2001 new york film festival ( feature coming soon ) . wong kar-wei's " fallen angels " is , on a purely visceral level , one of the most exciting films i've seen in a long while . unfortunately , wong seems more interested in experimenting with his camera than creating tangible characters for the audience to root for . ordinarily , that alone would be enough to sink a movie , but in the case of " fallen angels " , this is not so . every shot in this film is exciting just to * look * at . wong does really interesting things with the camera , but he doesn't allow the pyrotechnics to completely take over , as was the case with last years dismal " knock off " ( which contained a shot of a foot entering a shoe . ugh . ) the movie follows three pairs of lost souls as they struggle to find some meaning in their lives . i can't say much more than that as i didn't really know what was going on most of the time . in fact , it wasn't until about halfway through the movie that i was able to distinguish between each character . the constantly moving camera doesn't really allow for the audience to associate with any one character . we're always kept at a distance from these people , i suppose in order to further add to the feeling of alienation felt by the characters . " fallen angels " is a refreshing change-of-pace from most hollywood films , which never bother to try anything different , at least on a visual level . in fact , i'd go so far as to say that " fallen angels " is more challenging visually than any mainstream hollywood film i've ever seen . sure , there's directors like robert rodriguez who enjoy turning violence into operatic orgies of death , but to see a filmmaker like wong who actually assaults the senses with images is truly something worth celebrating . but if wong wishes to become a legendary filmmaker , he needs to work on incorporating an actual story into those awesome images . there were far too many instances during " fallen angels " in which i asked myself , " now who are these people again ? is this that first couple or the second couple ? " it was impossible to keep track . perhaps he could let the audience know right away which character is which , by introducing them to us with " name cards " , as in scorsese's " mean streets " . that's really besides the point , though . wong kar-wei has proven himself , through very few films , that's he's a movie-maker to watch . let's just hope that he hones his storytelling skills with his next few movies . city of angels is the kind of love story that i enjoy the most : thought-provoking , moving , and completely unsentimental . i find it interesting that this film has been released the same day as my giant , which is a film that is undone completely by its wretched sentimentality . city of angels is a wonderful film , enhanced by interesting and well-rounded characters and some of the most immersive imagery of the last couple of years . it's a love story that takes the familiar angel themes and makes them new and necessary to the story , and avoids most of the cliches we're so used to seeing in films like this . city of angels is an apparently loose remake of wim wenders' 1988 film wings of desire . i have yet to see wings of desire , so i am , unfortunately , unable to make a comparison of the two . i have heard , however , that city of angels is dissimilar from the original in numerous ways , which makes me glad that this film isn't a rip-off of its source material . nicolas cage stars as seth , an angel who , like all of his angel counterparts , is present to lead the dying to heaven ( or somewhere just like it ) . one day , he is forced to take the life of a patient of dr . maggie rice ( meg ryan ) , and his attention is called to her . the angels can make themselves seen to humans , but they can't experience any of the senses ( most importantly , touch ) . he shows himself to maggie , and she falls for him , unaware that he is slightly unavailable because of his apparition status . seth wants to become human so he can feel her . that's when he meets nathaniel messinger ( dennis franz ) , " former celestial messenger and recent addition to the human race . " ( as a side note , i found messinger to be the most fascinating character , for i can only imagine how incredibly liberating it must be to live knowing what lies beyond death . ) messinger explains to seth that it is possible for angels to become human . seth manages to convince maggie that he is an angel ( i know , it sounds ridiculous , but the scene in which she finds out is exceptionally well-done ) ; after much deliberation , she tells him that she could only be with a man who can feel . this , of course , is when seth decides to take the plunge ( literally ) from a building ; when he wakes up from the fall , he is human , and happy to feel what it's like to have a split lip and blood oozing from his forehead . since i love this film so much , i'll make a minor note that it certainly isn't perfect . although it is original and mesmerizing , it does fall prey to a few of the cliches of the genre . the plotting of the story by writer dawn steel is rather formulaic ( though the details are what make the story excellent , and steel has done a great job with them ) . the ending , too , could have been more powerful and less predictable . these elements are minor , though , and barely detracted from my overall enjoyment of city of angels . the acting is superb from everyone involved . this is perhaps my second-favorite performance from cage ( my favorite being the rock ) . he's quiet and pensive , and his eyes are engaging when he speaks his softly-toned words . he's perfect for a role like this , and at the same time he reassures us he's not bound by playing the psycho ( though he is good at it , as he shows in face/off ) . meg ryan is a powerful , enticing , and appealingly-chirpy actress , and her work here is some of her best . dennis franz , however , steals all of his scenes as the energetic former-angel . what i admire most about city of angels is its overall presentation . director brad silberling is a talented man , and he knows that a story like this is driven by the characters , rather than forced sentimentality . his direction is steady , and he shows this in just about every scene : near the beginning , maggie has to tell a mother and her two children that their father is dead . there is no music or elaborate camera work ; we simply see the reactions of the characters to the information . this is the way stories should be told , and the strength of scenes resonates more completely when the emotions are real . the film also appeals to the senses in a way that few love stories do . cinematographer john seale ( the english patient ) provides some of the most stunning images i've seen on the big screen : hundreds of black-clad angels stand on a dim beach in the early morning hours ( just as an example ) . the music , by gabriel yared ( also of the english patient ) , is perfect for this film : it's quiet and moody music ( but not sentimental ! ) , and adds to the atmosphere and tone nicely . the visual presentation of city of angels is easily the best of 1998 so far . all of this adds up to a film that is instantly set apart from other members of this genre . it's a film that relies on character development and imagery to get the story across--the excellent actors and the professional production values make city of angels one of those rare films that both entertains and instigates thought simultaneously . have you ever wondered if death is something that simply happens naturally , at any given moment , in life ? or if it is an occurrence that is predetermined by some much larger force within the world , or outside of it ? these thought-provoking questions are the subject of " final destination , " which is the most riveting horror-drama since 1999's " the sixth sense . " stylishly filmed and tautly directed by " x-files " alum james wong , the film deals with several fairly heavy topics that are discussed truthfully by teenage characters ( in accurately written " teen-speak , " rather than overwrought , highly intellectualized dialogue that even harvard scholars wouldn't use ) , all the while developing into a darkly foreboding , severely eerie thriller that successfully leaves you uneasy from the horrifyingly real opening twenty minutes to the less-successful , but still suspenseful epilogue . at the start of the film , 17-year-old high school senior alex browning ( devon sawa ) is about to leave with his 40-student french class for a field trip to paris . progressively getting a case of preflight jitters , he spots several mysterious " coincidences , " including the departure time being 9 : 25 , the same as his september 25 birthday , as well as hearing the john denver song " rocky mountain high " over the sound system in the airport bathroom . " john denver died in a plane crash , " alex grudgingly mutters to himself . once seated , alex suddenly gets a horrific premonition about the plane exploding upon takeoff , and after causing a ruckus onboard , he , as well as six other students and a teacher , are thrown off . arguing in the airport lobby , alex's suspicion comes true when the plane really does explode in flight , killing all 300+ passengers , including the rest of their classmates . as two investigators interrogate alex about how he knew the plane was going to explode , the fellow survivors , whom he has saved , treat him in varying manners . carter ( kerr smith ) , the hotshot jock , holds him in contempt because he believes that it is only he himself who can decide his fate . alex's best friend , tod ( chad e . donella ) , wants to stand by him but can't because of his fearful parents . the teacher , mrs . lewton ( kristen cloke ) , is frightened by him , believing that it was he who somehow caused the disaster , as well as in a state of guilt for giving up her seat on the plane to a fellow coworker . only outsider clear rivers ( ali larter ) , who unboarded the plane due to a sudden connection to alex's premonition even though she had never even spoken to him before , is sympathetic and thankful to him for saving her life . that is only the setup of " final destination , " and the less said about what follows , the better . suffice to say , the film does , indeed , turn into a slasher film , albeit one that is more thoughtful than most , and replaces a knife-wielding maniac for the never-seen granddaddy killer of them all , the grim reaper itself . the setpieces in any horror movie are the death scenes , and " final destination " surely boosts some of the most inventive ones to grace the silver screen in years . graphic and brilliantly orchestrated in a rube goldbergesque manner , they manage to occasionally be so intense you don't know whether to shrink down in your seat , tap your feet in nervousness , or turn away . devon sawa , a rising star who put his physical comedy skills to good use in 1999's underseen slasher-comedy , " idle hands , " is even more of a charismatic presence here . the conflicting emotions he feels for his survival , which he comes to believe he wasn't meant to do , as well as the loss of the other passengers , is superbly and subtly acted on his part . one scene , in which he is watching a news report on the crash and slowly begins to break down is especially realistic and powerful . ali larter ( 1999's " varsity blues " ) , in the other central role , is also effective , as a girl whose life was going well until her father died in a convenience store shooting years before , leaving her stuck with an increasingly uncaring mother who married a loutish man--the exact opposite of her now-deceased father . the other roles are not as fully written , and most remain rather one-dimensional . the movie is mainly sawa's , however , and the rest of the actors equip themselves well in limited roles . tony todd ( 1992's " candyman " ) , as an arcane morgue attendant , pops up for a five-minute cameo , but his appearance is rather supererogatory . and the aforementioned dialogue occasionally hits the bullseye , while at other times it hovers over being just a little too stilted and campy . ultimately , what is so good about " final destination " is that , within the confines of the slasher genre , writer-director wong and screenwriters glen morgan and jeffrey reddick have created a premise that has never been seen before in this manner , and a film that has the ability to both surprise and frighten--two things that are rarely found in today's horror films . if anything , it's safe to say you will never ever look at flying in airplanes the same way again . originally entitled dancing about architecture ( i . e . " talking about love is like dancing about architecture " ) , but changed because it sounded too much like the recent box-office dud dancing at lughnasa , this film slaps together a stunning cast of hollywood names , playing interesting and well-written characters , within a vignettes-styled plot arrangement a la robert altman . plot : follow the lives of several couples falling in and out of love , finding themselves , regaining a clearer understanding of the people that they are , and who they want , and appreciating the fine emotional art of love . critique : charmingly effective romantic drama , this film offers insight into various types of relationships , presents us with interesting characters and excellent performances from the cast , and scratches beneath the surface of love and its many complex subtleties . how do people fall in love ? why do people fall out of love ? how do people fall back into love , once they've been hurt and left to join the lonely hearts club ? all of these questions and more , are touched upon in this film , within several types of variant relationships . meet a hip , young couple going through their first date . a divorcee attempting to date again after her many failed relationships . a married woman " finding herself " while cheating on her husband . a husband letting go of his inhibitions . an older couple dealing with a past " love " of the man , a secret recently uncovered . a son dying from aids , joined by his mother at the hospital . there are many nuances to this picture , and many ideas and quotes to which we could all relate , but more importantly , there is diversity . diversity of relationships helped me and my gang of friends enjoy this film on many levels . some related to the younger couples' issues . others with the married . there's a little bit of everything for everyone in here . and i would bet dollars to donuts that if i were to watch this film again in a year , i would relate myself to yet another predicament . just like love itself , this movie is distinct and appreciated by all on many different levels . the actors in this film are all also very , very good . sean connery is solid as the older man with some issues to resolve , as is gena rowlands , as the aging wife with trepidations . jolie comes out of this film a star with a great performance , while philippe is as pretty-boy as ever . anderson leaves scully far behind with her wonderful portrayal of a damaged woman trying to re-ignite her love life , opposite a surprisingly admirable performance by former talk-show host , jon stewart . even dennis quaid manages to step outside of his overacting shoes in this film , and offers a convincing show of a man lost within his own imagination . the only piece of this puzzle which left me somewhat detached , was the part surrounding jay mohr , the man dying from aids , and his mother , ellen burstyn . the actors were fine , but somehow , the piece seemed out of place within the realm of everything else . the ending of this film was also a little too saccharine for me , but i guess that's just hollywood . this film is actually a lot like your friends and neigbors ( 5 . 5/10 ) and happiness ( 4 . 5/10 ) in concept and style , but its complete anthesis in regards to character relatibility and likeness . the characters in those films were too unique and inhuman for anyone to care , as opposed to this film , which offers rich and believable characters , living real lives and talking about real issues in today's relationships . all in all , this movie offers many interesting characters , talking and living genuine and engaging love lives , wonderful performances by its solid cast , too sweet of an ending , but an enjoyable and rewatchable movie nonetheless . little known facts about this film and its stars : according to a story in the london sunday mirror , sean connery asked for only $60 , 000 for his role in this movie , as compared to his usual fee of $14 million , because he liked the script so much . on top of that , he convinced his co-stars ( including gena rowlands , gillian anderson , ellen burstyn , et al . ) to do the same . this is director/writer willard carroll second real foray into the world of " adult films " . before this , he had written and produced many children's movies . gillian anderson stands 5'2 . angelina jolie's full name is angelina jolie voight . she is actor jon voight's daughter . she has trained and performed at the lee strasberg theatre institute . she divorced actor jonny lee miller of trainspotting ( 8 . 5/10 ) fame in 1997 . they were married in 1995 . actor ryan phillippe's full name is matthew ryan phillippe . he stands 5'9 , and spent his childhood in new castle , delaware . his acting career started on tv's " one life to live " . he portrayed daytime television's first gay teenager . jon stewart's full name is jonathan stewart leibowitz . this film was originally entitled if they only knew and dancing about architecture . watch for movie posters from swingers ( 8 . 5/10 ) , chasing amy ( 7/10 ) and the texas chainsaw massacre ( 8/10 ) at the movie theatre where the characters of joan and keenan go on their first date . " well this is not mission : difficult , mr . hunt , it's mission : impossible . difficult should be a walk in the park for you . " ---agent swanbeck ( sir anthony hopkins ) , the series' new agent phelps , takes ethan hunt ( tom cruise ) down a notch . a russian scientist ( rade serbedzija ) has created a new virus ( and its antidote ) called chimera that destroys its host within twenty hours of injection . a rogue imf agent , sean ambrose ( dougray scott ) , wants to use the disease and cure to blackmail a pharmaceutical company into selling him enough stock to make him owner of the company ( he knows it will soon be worth its weight in gold thanks to the outbreak of the virus he is going to cause ) . posing as ethan hunt , ambrose gains the confidence of the scientist long enough to get only the cure , not realizing that the scientist had injected himself with the virus to prevent exactly what ambrose was trying to do . the real ethan hunt is called in from his vacation to persuade beautiful thief nyah nordoff-hall ( thandie newton ) to assist the imf team in retrieving the stolen goods . ethan and nyah fall quickly in love , but ethan soon finds himself in a real dilemma when he learns that his new love has only been hired because she was a former lover of ambrose's . reluctantly , he sets up nyah to be rescued from prison by ambrose so she can infiltrate his compound and send back intelligence to the team . ethan must race against time to keep ambrose from obtaining and spreading the virus and prevent any harm from coming to nyah . although the first mission : impossible film was a moderate box office success , audiences panned it because they felt the plot was too confusing and there wasn't much action ( although being a fan of the series both old and new , i thought the movie was pretty decent and especially gutsy to make phelps a bad guy ) . that problem has been rectified in the sequel by making the plot more accessible ( courtesy of one of the writers of the previous entry , robert towne ) and by turning the film into one gigantic action set piece under the steady hand of action film guru john woo . the end result is one of the most entertaining ( yet simple ) action films made in a long while . unfortunately , the first forty minutes or so are relatively slow , dwelling mainly on ethan and nyah's quickly blossoming romance and seeming more in place in a james bond film than with the less glamorous mission : impossible tv series . ethan's conflict is a compelling one , but it seems very rushed ( and comes about because of a near fatal car wreck that ethan himself causes ! ) . john woo handles all of this with an artistic flair that seems out of place , featuring a great deal of slow fades and dramatically framed close-ups . the surreal nature of these sequences are distracting and ultimately a detriment to the film . thankfully though , at the point ambrose discovers nyah's deception , mission : impossible ii becomes very entertaining and action-packed . robert towne's screenplay takes some of the conventions set up in the first film and parodies them during a sequence where ethan must break into a high-rise building and retrieve the remaining specimens of the virus . after that , the action scenes just begin to build in intensity , as is the case with many of woo's previous high-octane films . the final half hour is an all out assault of action ( a good deal of which is ruined by the trailer , unfortunately ) . as far as summer entertainment goes , mission : impossible ii is serviceable fare . anyone looking for hardcore action won't be disappointed ( except for during the first half of the film , perhaps ) . even if you weren't a fan of the first film , this entry deserves some checking out . [pg-13] robert redford is very good at playing characters who have incredible , god-given gifts , but are able to act like ordinary people . in " the natural " ( 1984 ) , he played the fallen angelic character of roy hobbs , the baseball player who was destined to be " the best there ever was , " but still acted like a humble farm boy . in " butch cassidy and the sundance kid " ( 1969 ) , he was the most dangerous shot in the west , yet he came off like a nothing more than a boyishly good-looking charmer . even in " indecent proposal " ( 1993 ) , where he played a man who was so good at making money that he believed he could buy love , redford was still able to exude an aura of shy decency , especially when reciting a tale of lost love . in his latest film , " the horse whisperer , " based on the best-selling novel by nicholas evans , redford again plays such a character . redford also directed the film although he swore up and down that he would never direct himself in a movie - i suppose the character of tom booker , a man who has the amazing gift of understanding and somehow communicating with horses , was just too good to pass up . despite his enormous and rare gift when it comes to training troubled horses ( a magazine article coins the phrase " horse whisperer " to describe his uncanny talent ) , booker sees himself as an everyday cattle rancher whose greatest fear is growing old and no longer having a purpose in life . booker's talents are taxed into service by annie maclean ( kristin scott thomas ) , a new york magazine editor whose daughter , grace ( scarlett johansson ) , was recently in a horrible accident . the accident , which is filmed with gut-wrenching horror , happens when grace and her best friend are out riding horses - an eighteen-wheeler kills grace's friend , severely wounds and traumatizes grace's horse , pilgrim , and causes grace to lose part of her right leg . annie believes that if pilgrim can be healed , grace will be healed as well , which leads her to booker . at first , she tries to get booker to come to new york to see the horse , but that doesn't work . instead , she packs up grace and pilgrim , leaves her husband , robert ( sam neill ) behind , and heads for the rolling hills of montana where booker runs a ranch with his brother , frank ( chris cooper ) , and his sister-in-law , diane ( dianne wiest ) . in many ways , the film is like a journey , both literally and symbolically . the move out west has always been a great american tradition of renewal , and it's hard not to see annie and grace's leaving manhattan for montana as a variation on the classic theme of city vs . country . in " the horse whisperer , " country is clearly the victor . the city is characterized by claustrophobia and unhappiness , and it is not until the characters arrive in the wide-open spaces of montana that grace's anger at being physically and emotionally crippled begins to dissipate , annie's controlling nature begins to relax , and pilgrim once again learns to trust people . redford is just as in love with the grand montana country in this film as he was when he directed " a river runs through it " six years ago . in many ways , " the horse whisperer " comes from the same poetic vein as " river , " and the movie could probably be a good fifteen minutes shorter if redford had decided to spend less camera-time on the grass and mountains . but then , that would ruin the magic . much of the film's photography is truly elegant , and it creates a palpable sense of the sheer expansiveness of the land . to further emphasize this , redford and cinematographer robert richardson ( " natural born killers , " " platoon " ) cheated a bit by shooting the beginning of the film - which takes place in new york - with mostly cold , harsh bluish filters and a more squarish 1 . 85 : 1 aspect ratio ; when the action shifts to montana , richardson switches to soft-focus and natural lighting , and the screen widens to a 2 . 35 : 1 aspect ratio . in terms of the story itself , " the horse whisperer " gives us the same romanticized view of adultery found in david lean's " a brief encounter " ( 1945 ) and clint eastwood's 1995 adaptation of robert james waller's " the bridges of madison county " ( richard lagravenese , co-screenwriter here also adapted " bridges " ) . although " the horse whisperer " has a strong romantic sensibility , i still find something oddly troubling about this kind of story . it seems to me that there should be some sympathy for the husband who's being left behind for this brief , heart-sweeping affair , but there rarely is . in " the horse whisperer , " the thankless role of being the fuddy-duddy husband falls to sam neill . he plays the character as a decent , hard-working man who is a good husband and father ; his only failure is that he loves his wife more than she loves him . he is at risk of losing annie to booker not because he did anything to drive her away , but simply because he happens to be a normal , fairly uninspiring man . there is one scene that is particularly telling of how the movie feels about each character . it shows booker and robert going into a horse pen - booker is dressed like a classic cowboy with hat and all , while robert looks somewhat frumpy and out-of-place in a baseball cap . as they enter the pen , booker assuredly swings over the fence , while robert hesitates , then opens the gate and , in a goofy moment , forgets to close it behind him . it's a small scene , but it clearly demonstrates the movie's thorough love of the booker character for his romantic roughness . after all , booker represents everything good about the city while robert represents everything banal and unnatural about it . the best scenes in " the horse whisperer " tend to involve not the building romance between booker and annie , but rather the healing process of grace and her horse . although booker's horse-training methods are mythical and unrealistic , the scenes with him and pilgrim are strangely mesmerizing . these are paralleled by the scenes between him and grace , some of which are humorous , and all of which are tender and true . at some point , i wished the movie would drop the whole romance angle and focus on grace more . nevertheless , redford is obviously a romantic at heart , and he brings a light touch to the erotic moments in the film . there are no dramatic sex scenes , but there is a moving scene when he and scott thomas are slow-dancing , always moving ever closer together , that is far more erotic than any scene of sweaty bodies grinding together . although the movie is longer than it should be and is essentially a melodramatic tearjerker with an unsatisfying conclusion that guarantees unhappiness for just about every character , there are enough moments like that which make " the horse whisperer " worth the price of admission . in roger michell's romantic comedy notting hill , william thacker ( hugh grant ) leads a rather dreary life maintaining his flagging travel bookshop in the quaint section of london which lends it's name to the film's title . one day , american movie superstar anna scott ( julia roberts ) walks in to purchase a book on turkey . quickly enamored of each other , the two embark upon an on-again , off-again love affair replete with romance , humor , and the occasional lump in the throat . the film opens with a non-verbal cue to anna's stardom as the title credits appear over a montage of slow motion sequences featuring the actress's appearances in films and at premieres - coming out of limousines , walking the red carpets and such . without words , this sequence gives us a background to her character . following , however , is a set-up narration by william indicating what he does and where he lives . i don't know why the filmmakers chose to go with a narration which tells us nothing we couldn't have figured out by watching the first ten minutes of film , and which never resurfaces after the movie's beginning , but there it is . if there were ever a clear case for " less is more , " this would be it . the film is told nearly first person from william's point of view , as he is in every scene . by nature of this arrangement , we get a very definite sense of what he is all about , and his nice guy personality wins us over easily . in fact , much of notting hill's strength lies in the great dialog written for this character by richard curtis . a scene where william is still in shock over the fact that he's even talking to a silver screen goddess is made golden by the way bumbles through his attempt to offer her some honey-soaked apricots from his refrigerator . or take an instance where anna kisses william and asks him never to tell anyone for fear of the incident hurting her image . william assures her he wouldn't say a word , then adds , " well , i'll probably tell myself now and then , but i'd never believe it . " great stuff . the downside to spending so much time with william is that we don't get to see enough of anna to make their relationship whole and plausible . we're constantly exposed to william's thoughts , feelings , actions and desires , but don't actually get the sense of how much anna really feels for him . there are a couple of instances where she declares her obvious interest , but they nearly come out of nowhere due to the fact that we're not sure what she's been thinking all the times in between . this , combined with the sheer iniquity of screen time between the two , makes this hugh grant's film hands down . he gets the great scenes ( look for one in which he has to portray an interviewer from horse and hound magazine in order to speak with anna ) , the great lines , and gives an overall wonderful performance . julia roberts fans will probably be disappointed by the actress's top billing and subsequent lack of involvement in the film ( ala sandra bullock in a time to kill ) along with her detached performance which is only worsened by her character's unpredictable behavior . anna doesn't get a lot of our compassion . this romantic comedy leans a little more toward the comedy than the romance , much of it supplied by grant himself , but with considerable help from the supporting cast . most notable is rhys ifans as spike , william's eccentric roommate , who is in the film for no other purpose than to make us laugh . hugh bonneville , emma chambers , james dreyfus , and gina mckee bring up the guard as william's friends and family , particularly shining in a scene where william brings anna to his sister's birthday dinner , and we get to see how these common folks react to the presence of a movie star in their midst . it's a scene most of us will probably think would play out in our own living rooms were we faced with a similar situation . roger michell's use of visuals doesn't sweep us off our feet , but does give us more than your typical movie of this type . for example , there are a couple of instances in this film where large amounts of time pass . whereas some films are content to simply put in a caption saying " eight months later , " michell presents us with more interesting cues , such as william's walk though his neighborhood while the seasons change around him . another memorable shot occurs in a park where the camera is lifted from ground level to a couple of hundred feet in the air . we're generally used to scenes where our point of view is lifted from the earth to treetop level or so , but in this case , the camera just keeps going up and up until we have a bird's eye view of the ground below . music is used rather glaringly as an enhancement to many of the film's scenes , and some of this might have been better toned down , but in other areas it works to full effect . it's kind of a mixed bag , but still fares better than many of today's lighthearted movies which are so influenced by the mtv fare that the film becomes one long music video . at least this film has some pretty good music that for the most part remains relevant and appropriate . notting hill's grant and roberts will not go down in history as one of the all-time greatest film pairings , but the chemistry is decent and the comedic aspects of the movie more than make up for it . for a couple of hours , you should expect to laugh more than cry , and that's not so bad , now is it ? ingredients : man with amnesia who wakes up wanted for murder , dark science fiction city controlled by alien beings with mental powers . synopsis : what if you woke up one day , and suspected you were not on earth , and instead were part of an experiment in a giant space terrarium manipulated by intergalactic alien zookeepers ? in dark city john murdoch ( rufus sewell ) has this problem . dark city starts out like a 1940s noir amnesia detective mystery . poor john wakes up with amnesia in a hotel room with a dead dame in one corner . a mysterious phone call tells him to get the heck out of there , and soon enough john is chased all over town by a murderous army of pale people in black trench-coats , as well as by the police , and the dogged inspector bumstead ( william hurt ) . is john a murderer , and what can his missing memories tell him ? he searches through his own wallet for possible contacts and clues . but when the clues don't fit , it doesn't just confuse him ; it causes john to go so far as to question the whole nature of reality in the dark city . to john , something is fishy , and very unreal about this city . how come it's always dark , and nobody seems to remember what they did this morning ? and how come nobody seems to remember how to leave the city , or how to get to nearby shell beach ? every night , around midnight , john notices that the whole city enters a state of suspended animation , and at this time , creepy alien experimenters known as the 'strangers' come out and do nasty things like inject fake memories into people's heads with big hypodermic needles . the strangers have the ability to 'tune , ' or warp reality using telepathic powers . turns out , the city is not on earth at all . and the reason why john doesn't fall victim to the nightly suspended animation , is because he is a human mutation that possesses the same god-like reality-warping abilities as the strangers . even with the help of scientist dr . daniel schreber , can john take back the dark city ? opinion : director alex proyas ( he also directed the crow ) mentions this in the dark city press kit : in films , science fiction is always " used to have big spaceships blow up cities . i think we're a little tired of that . " according to director proyas , probably the most interesting thing about dark city is its layers . it's designed so that you can watch the film over again , and examine it from the perspective of a main character other than murdoch . it's a philosophical piece . cinematic science fiction is basically a thinly disguised shootout between the good humans and the bad aliens ( whether they be klingons , giant bugs , or proponents of the dark side of the force ) . but science fiction in books reaches beyond the 'shoot-em-up' level and targets the big questions , questions like who are we ? what is the human condition ? what is ethical ? what would a true human being do ? far from comic book style on the order of spawn , batman , or the mutant ninja turtles , dark city not only features the showdown between good humans and powerful aliens , but it also asks questions worthy of films such as brazil or blade runner . dark city is what philosophers would call an existentialist screenplay . a little more than 200 years ago , the world was filled with unhappy peasants - - unhappy because nearly every aspect of their lives was controlled by totalitarian , military , conformist , medieval regimes . the people took refuge in religion , the idea being that earthly life was a time of suffering , but after death , heaven would be available . meanwhile , the state used these same ideas to prop up their regimes ; the king was often head of the religion and therefore sanctioned by heaven . when science finally overturned religion , the medieval dictatorships came tumbling down and were replaced by democratic governments . but the new fear was that the power of science and experimentation would be used to create a world order as darkly totalitarian as the old . this is the time period when writers and philosophers such as freud , kant , kafka , nietzsche , and dostoevsky pondered what society should be , and what place the individual had in it . the existentialists' in particular wrote about the power of the lone individual against what may be a hostile , indifferent , or alienated universe . in dark city , when the last dying , defeated alien asks john murdoch why the aliens' scientific experiments on the human beings' brains failed , murdoch replies , pointing to his head , " because the human condition isn't located in here . " every once in a while , when an exceptional family film comes along , i will attempt to champion it by challenging parents to put their money where their mouths have been ; with all the hubbub over the lack of films suitable for children , it is remarkable how many non-disney films disappear in a couple of weeks . now i see that in so doing , i have unfairly ghettoized these films . so i am issuing my challenge not just to parents , but to anyone who wants to support smart , funny , energetic film-making : see matilda . see it in a theater , rather than shrugging and waiting for it on video . see the best film i have seen in 1996 . not the best children's film . . . the best film . period . based on a story by roald dahl , it tells of young matilda wormwood ( mara wilson ) , an extraordinarily bright girl whose great misfortune it is to have a pair of deeply stupid parents : harry ( danny devito ) , a crooked used car salesman ; and zinnia ( rhea perlman ) , a simple-minded bingo addict . the wormwoods barely notice matilda exists , and when they do , it is only to scold her for spending too much time reading books . when they finally do send her to school , it is to crunchem hall , a bleak place run by cruel , child-hating miss agatha trunchbull ( pam ferris ) . but things begin to look up for matilda when she discovers a sympathetic teacher , miss honey ( embeth davidtz ) , who nurtures her natural inquisitiveness . matilda also discovers another special talent -- the ability to move things with her mind -- which allows her to help herself and miss honey to overcome miss trunchbull's cruelty . it was this spring's james and the giant peach which inspired me to note that the best and most lasting tales for children tended to have more than a hint of darkness to them , and you can bet that the roald dahl responsible for the gleeful ghoulishness of james and willy wonka and the chocolate factory has more of the same in store with matilda . and just as james benefited from the dark sensibilities of henry selick and tim burton , matilda soars on the cock-eyed direction of danny devito . devito made black humor a key element in throw momma from the train and the war of the roses , and he contributes some memorable images . in one scene , an unfortunate girl is made an example of by miss trunchbull when she is picked up by her pig-tails and flung through the air like a throwing hammer ; later , an overweight boy is forced to eat an entire massive cake after he is caught stealing a dessert . matilda is just twisted enough to be a perfect fairy tale . it is also characteristic of the best children's tales that they manage to teach lessons in such a way that children almost don't realize that they are learning them . there is a hilarious moment when matilda's television-addicted father snatches away the book she is reading ( in a wicked joke , he thinks _moby dick_ is pornographic ) and forces her to watch an inane game show ( hosted by jon lovitz ) in which contestants are smeared with adhesive and placed in a booth filled with cash blowing around . matilda is a story which promotes the value of intellectual curiosity over passive entertainment , and it does so while poking holes in that most frustrating of notions for a child -- that because " i'm big and you're little , i'm right and you're wrong . " more specifically , it has as its heroine an intelligent , self-confident girl who struggles successfully against other people's notions of how she should behave . it is no coincidence that matilda was co-written by robin swicord , who contributed the superb recent adaptation of little women . finally , matilda has that quality i find rarest and most treasured in family entertainment : it is family entertainment in the truest sense of the word . devito knows enough to make matilda fast-paced and appealing to children , taking a deliciously nasty performance by pam ferris as miss trunchbull and making it the focal point of some priceless physical comedy , including a great chase through her dark house . the child actors are winning but never obnoxiously adorable , with mara wilson making matilda a clever and extremely likeable character . but there are also many , many delights for adults , including my favorite scene in which matilda uses her powers to frighten miss trunchbull by having chalk write on a chalkboard by itself while matilda's classmates recite in sing-song fashion ; there is also a deadpan cameo by paul reubens as an fbi agent staking out matilda's father . i can't imagine anyone of any age leaving matilda feeling as though his or her intelligence had been insulted . matilda is a film which left me glowing with good feeling . i will see it again , and years from now i will watch it with my children . and now i will stop , because somewhere near you matilda is about to begin , and there is a seat in that theater you should be in , if you have a child or ever were a child . usually when one is debating who the modern queen of the romantic comedy is they will bring up names like julia roberts or sandra bullock . others will mention meg ryan . but for me , it's not even close . janeane garofalo is not only the queen of the romantic comedy , she is the best comic actress in hollywood right now . and it's a good thing she's starring in the matchmaker , because without her presence the movie would be bland , unfunny , and dull . garofalo stars as marcy tizard , a top aide to boston senator john mcglory , who is suffering in the polls . in an attempt to capture the irish vote , he sends marcy on a mission to a small irish town called ballinagra in search of other mcglory's that never moved to america . unfortunately for marcy , her visit coincides with the town's annual matchmaking festival . things get off to a rocky start for marcy though . she has no hotel reservations ( for no rational reason ) and the tiny confined room ( tired old cliche' ) she has to stay in has a visitor in her bathtub . his name is sean , and marcy finds him repugnant at first , so you can obviously tell where this is headed . the movie runs into a few roadblocks . for instance , the story is very thin . none of the characters ( except the old local matchmaker ) are nearly as interesting as garofalo . some of the characters , like the political aide played by denis leary , have wandered in from a completely different movie . i think the director realized this and decided to throw in numerous shots of the beautiful irish scenery , and several close-ups of garofalo's winning smile . the strange thing is that it works . garofalo's charm and the irish scenery could carry the thinnest of stories , and it carries this one . susan granger's review of " bread and tulips " ( first look pictures ) in this delightfully frothy italian romantic comedy , after accidentally being left behind by a tour bus while on a family vacation with her cranky husband and two cynical teenagers , rosalba ( licia maglietta ) , an unhappy housewife from pescara , finds herself - and love - in venice . for the first time in years , rosalba's on her own when she's abandoned at a highway rest area . although her philandering husband ( antonio catania ) , a plumbing-supply dealer , orders her to stay there until she's picked up , she impulsively accepts a ride to venice , a bohemian paradise which she's never visited . rosalba finds refuge and romance with fernando ( bruno ganz ) , a gruff icelandic waiter who offers her a spare room in his modest apartment and prepares breakfast for her each morning . to support herself , she gets a job working with a florist ( antonio catania ) . film-maker silvio soldini gently explores the blossoming of this bored , middle-aged , middle-class woman with warmth and affection , savoring special moments such as when rosalba starts playing the accordion again and abandons her maroon stretch pants , silver jacket and orange sneakers for a simple , new red-and-white dress with platform-soled espadrilles . the superb actors slip into their roles seamlessly , particularly luminous licia maglietta and low-key bruno ganz , along with marina massironi as her nosy massage-therapist neighbor and giuseppe massironi as the inept plumber-turned-private eye who's sent to retrieve her on orders from her frantic husband - who's discovered that his mistress has no interest in doing his laundry or cleaning the house . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " bread and tulips " is a beguiling , escapist 8 . as the summer ends , it's a magical getaway for mature audiences . . " i know what you did last summer , " the first high-profile slasher thriller to be released after 1996's " scream , " and written by the same screenwriter , kevin williamson , is a stylish , effective horror film that became 1997's biggest hit of the fall season . while " scream " was a more knowing film about the genre , " i know what you did last summer " is more reminiscent of a straight-forward slasher flick , but it is far more intelligent than such bottom-of-the-barrel guilty pleasures as all nine of the " friday the 13th " films ( well , okay , " jason goes to hell " was pure hell to sit through ) . the film starts off with four talented , aspiring teenage friends who have just graduated from high school in their small boating town of southport , n . c . it is the 4th of july , and they will soon be heading their separate ways . kind-hearted julie ( jennifer love hewitt ) , and outsider ray ( freddie prinze jr . ) will be headed off to college , while helen ( sarah michelle gellar ) , who has just been honored croaker queen in the town , and her ignorant jock boyfriend , barry ( ryan phillippe ) , are going to new york to become an actress and football player . when the four of them travel to a nearby mountain-side beach for the evening , they are dismayed after hitting a man in the road on their way home . distraught and confused , they decide they can't go to the police because they will be charged with manslaughter , so they devise a plan to throw the apparently dead victim off a peer into the ocean , in hopes no one will find him . julie is apprehensive about it , but is forced into it by barry . switch to exactly a year later , julie , still unable to come to terms with what she did , reluctantly returns home from college to find that all three of her old friends are still in the town because their career plans did not work out . almost immediately , julie recieves an ominous letter that simply reads , " i know what you did last summer , " and that is the start of their problems as they find themselves being terrorized by a mysterious figure dressed in fisherman gear and yielding a giant hook . " i know what you did last summer , " is a successful horror film for a number of reasons . the cinematography by denis crossan could very well be described as hitchcockian , as it put shadows , fog , steam , and other clever devices to add atmosphere to the proceedings . the characters , particularly julie and helen , are realistically written , and the film amazingly deals with their broken relationship in a few scenes , which is largely uncharacteristic in films of this sort . and last , the film creates a few dazzling and scary set-pieces that are some of the most memorable i've seen in a horror movie , particularly the suspenseful , superbly shot sequence involving helen at her family's store with the killer inside with her . perhaps the best character is that of missy egan ( anne heche ) , a lonely backwoods woman whose brother was the one julie thinks they hit . heche's performance is a standout , as she is able to create a full character in only about ten minutes of screen time . " i know what you did last summer , " could have been a great horror movie if not for a few problems . prinze jr . gives a performance to be desired here , and much of his dialogue sounds wooden coming out of his mouth . also , the climax of the film almost completely loses its frightening grip after it unveils the mystery killer , who is a decidedly bad actor and should not have been given any lines . luckily , the penultimate scene saves the disappointing finale , which includes an expertly crafted " jump-in-your-seat " scare . in the main roles , hewitt and gellar are highly talented , and hewitt , especially , is one of the best screamers i've ever heard . she honestly could give jamie lee curtis a little competition for the best " scream queen . " and gellar is touching as a young woman who , in the course of one year , finds her dream of being an actress ultimately shattered . although not up to the level of either " scream " movies , or the more recent , " urban legend , " " i know what you did last summer " is a respectable , smartly-scripted slasher film that firmly proved good horror movies were once again being made . labelling is sometimes everything . in original mad max , the opening title set the plot of the movie in near future , thus making it one of the science fiction classics , despite the future world being almost exactly like our own . walter hill wanted the same opening title for his action classic the warriors . producers weren't thrilled by that idea and consequently the movie lost all of its futuristic overtones . on the other hand , producers were right on the mark ; walter hill was accused of actually promoting some disturbing trends that were quite visible in contemporary america . to make the movie even more distant from future , plot was loosely based on anabasis , historical book written by xenophon , greek mercenary soldier who had described his adventures in ancient persia 2400 years ago . instead of ancient persia , movie begins in contemporary coney island , where cleon ( dorsey wright ) , leader of the warriors , local youth gang , gets invitation to the great gathering of all youth gangs from the city . the gathering , organised by gramercy park riffs , most powerful gang in the city , is taking place in bronx . that is far away from warriors' home territory , but small and unarmed delegation of the warriors gets there safely thanks to the general truce . on the gathering , cyrus ( roger hill ) , charismatic leader of the riffs , announces his grand plan to unite all the gangs and take over the city . crowd is enthusiastic , but the small gang of rogues , led by psychopathic luther ( david patrick kelly ) uses the opportunity to assassinate cyrus . police simultaneously raids the gathering , and in the commotion warriors get blamed by the killing , and their leader gets killed by riffs . the remaining eight , led by cleon's lieutenant swann ( michael beck ) , must now try to get to coney island , but this time unprotected by truce and instead being chased by all the gangs . upon its release , despite the controversies and even some youth riots that were allegedly inspired by it , the warriors enjoyed immense popularity and very quickly received some kind of a cult status . however , despite being one of the best movies of that year , and being directed by talented action director walter hill at the peak of his career , the movie failed to leave as strong impression to the future generations as some other cinematic achievements of that same year . the reason for that probably lies in a fact that this movie aged very quickly . if walter hill's idea was to warn the public about problems of urban america , he failed miserably . the future was much worse than his vision . the youth gangs , as presented in the warriors , are far from shadowy armies , able to take over entire cities . their members seem more interested in unorthodox fashion and their little petty feuds than such prosaic , and for the public more annoying , matters like crime . in their vocabulary , word " arms " is reserved for small knives and blunt objects , and only few of them use heavy artillery like handguns . they even have their own , very strict and detailed laws , upheld more strictly than some governments do with their own . many people in american cities would be more than happy to see their young criminals behaving like those in the warriors . some of the critics who accused hill of actually praising youth crime had a lot arguments in their favour . despite those objections , the warriors have all the elements of a very good film . the plot is simple , and serves as good basis for numerous action scenes . the fights are brilliantly choreographed and quite realistic , although there isn't much bloodshed or gore in the movie . editing is superb , events happen at quick pace , with the exception of middle , when boring moralistic exchanges between swann and his would-be-girlfriend mercy ( deborah van valkenburgh ) drag the plot from straight action to social drama territory . the soundtrack by barry de vorzon is very suggestive and recognisable . yet , the trademark of this film are the actors who showed great talent , although most of them later sunk into anonymity . best known of them is david patrick kelly , whose superb and original performance in this film later subscribed him to the roles of psychopathic villains . michael beck as cool , almost statesman-like leader of a gang , is also very good , and james remar gives good contrast as his hot-shot contender for top spot . all in all , this movie is perhaps dated , yet in its hour and half can give a lot more entertainment than most of the contemporary movies . for those who associate italian cinema with fellini and " high art , " the son's room is an inventive , subtle alternative . written by , directed , and starring nanni moretti , it takes us through the slow , complicated path of bereavement . slow is the best description for the film at first . it takes its time in establishing the habits of what appears to be a normal , happy family . father and mother both work but still find the time to support their son and daughter through homework and after school activities . they laugh , spend free time together , and reprimand the kids for innocent wrongs with a sigh and soft pat on the shoulder . you get the feeling there is open communication and unconditional love amongst the foursome . but suddenly , the son is found to be dead after a diving accident . the family dynamics begin an unpredictable descent that gives the narrative strength when you least expect it , but can also be trying on the attention span . though the film drags and even repeats itself , this can be somewhat excused as influenced by the process of grieving . though nanni moretti wore several hats for this production , it doesn't come across as a vanity piece . one might wish he hadn't picked the profession of analyst for the father , giovanni ( which he stars as ) , if only because this makes his character's reactions so predictable . what saves it is a well written script , with spare dialogue and an eclectic variety of human interaction . the potency of the film lies in the recreation of the tiny details of everyday life that alter due to the death of a close relative , or that remind a depressed person of loss . you start to take notice of the cracked dishes , ignored when familial bliss was in full swing . you remember bonding during the routine jogs around the block , and not necessarily huge events like graduation . even better are the role reversals that take place within the household . while giovanni and paola ( laura morante ) do check up on their daughter irene ( jasmine trinca ) , there is a sense of being on autopilot . not only does irene begin to take care of her own needs more , she'll make her parents breakfast in an attempt to crack their new shells to life around them . these scenes provide interesting portrayals of various coping mechanisms , frequently crossing a boundary as to how much you can help yourself versus others during drastic , unexpected change . respectfully , gender issues never enter the picture . self-propelled isolation is universal in terms of dealing , so moretti intelligently uses this tool to separate the family . though giovanni does stop paolo from discussing andrea at a party with friends , there is never a sense that he or she is more stoic , or more correct in the search to restore a sense of a balance to their lives . most films that broach the topic of death utilize annoying melodrama , speeches , and conciliatory issues to get the waterworks flowing . in contrast , the son's room captures a more realistic depiction of the effects of death on a family by graciously flowing among the five stages of mourning ( denial , depression , anger , bargaining , acceptance ) through each of its main characters . it's not the most engaging 100 minutes , but it is certainly easy to relate to . the word 'rest' in the title should be stressed since this is a movie that lacks any action scenes at all . what does takes place is more based on character development . the film starts right in the middle of the lives of four people : nick , beth , carol and sid . what they have done earlier is for the most part only hinted at . nick and beth have a relationship and have decided to move from enfield , arizona to butte , montana . ( and i who thought that butte was pronounced slightly different . . . ) carol is nick's ex-girlfriend and beth's best friend , sid is a joint-smoking painter that comes to repaint their house before the new tenants move in . obviously based on a stage play , the problem with the movie is that there's a lot of things left out . it's not obvious that nick and beth are in love with each other , the reason why nick was fired from his job isn't mentioned . and why nick suddenly decide to go visit his parents remain a mystery , when he hasn't seen them for many years . set in a small ( fictional ? ) town in arizona was a good move , since this makes the film focus on the four characters and not on their surroundings . the name of the city is not important , this could take place anywhere with four young people in a house discussing life and the future . particularly impressive is bridget fonda as beth who end up in bed with sid when her fiance nick leaves her . not an actress that i have found interesting earlier or seen many pictures with , but i'll keep an eye on her in the future . interesting trivia : this was rated r in the us but rated 'barntill ? ten' in sweden wich means that anyone at any age can see it . airplane ! is considered among many to be the epitome of satire film-making . after all , it's brought to us by one of the best known satire writing/directing teams . even if most people don't recognize the names behind the films , they are bound to recognize the titles : airplane ! , top secret , the naked gun , and hot shots to name a few . but although the zucker/abrahams/zucker team was first introduced with the kentucky fried movie in 1977 , airplane ! remains the true cornerstone of their work , and their directorial debuts . in the seventies , disaster films seemed to be at an all time high . films like earthquake , the towering inferno , and the poseidon adventure were big hits . there was also a series about the disasters that can arise when traveling by plane - a series that spanned the entire decade . and so , in 1980 , we were introduced to a new airplane disaster film . this time the disaster had nothing to do with a maniacal hijacker or crashing into the ocean . . . it had to do with bad fish . airplane ! is the story of ted striker ( robert hays ) - an ex-fighter-pilot who has never gotten over the fact that a decision he had to make in the midst of war led to the death of six , er , seven comrades . unable to stop living in the past , ted's world fell apart . he spent his time moving from city to city without ever having a stable job , and eventually , as we begin this film , is getting dumped by his lover , flight attendant elaine dickinson ( julie hagerty ) . in a desperate attempt not to lose her , ted buys a ticket for the same flight elaine is working . unfortunately , she is unsympathetic and even criticizes ted for following her , which leaves him wallowing in self-pity . in the midst of it all , something happens . someone gets sick . then another . then another . soon , the whole plane is full of deathly-ill chicago-bound people . . . and when the pilots get sick ( played by peter graves , kareem abdul-jabbar , and frank ashmore ) , who will save the day ? ( gee , i wonder ) of course the main draw here is the non-stop " whiz-bang " comedy , with a hefty dose of both visual and spoken gags . although i had seen this movie a few times before , i was still laughing thru the entire thing . the most fun character by far is the doctor , played by leslie nielsen . he's a dry , subtle , sterotypically straight-faced doctor that ends up saying some of the funniest lines of the film . in a film like this , you're not really expecting an elaborate production , so one can't complain about the amateurish quality . what you can complain about is the absolutely annoying johnny , played by stephen stucker . this character is pointless , nauseating , and very unfunny . i don't know why he was put in there , and i don't think anybody will find a good excuse . and when the film nears an end , it slows down quite a bit , almost getting old . you gotta give it to a movie that only runs 88 minutes and can feel two hours long . aside from that , airplane ! is really a top-notch spoof that will likely forever be known as a spoof classic . it would be a good choice to pop in the vcr with a group of friends , especially if they haven't seen it . and if they ask what the plot is , just tell 'em " it's a synopsis of the basic storyline of the film , but that's not important right now . " if you've seen the film , you'll understand ; - ) this is the movie not the perfume . a slow moving , stylish psychological thriller in imitation of hitchcock's vertigo . it is adapted from an original story by brian de palma and paul schrader , and is directed by de palma and scripted by schrader . set in new orleans , 1959 , it shows the wealthy michael courtland ( cliff robertson ) sitting on top of the world , celebrating his tenth wedding anniversary with a party in his mansion , as his lovely wife elizabeth ( genevi ? ve bujold ) and young daughter amy ( blackman ) , both look up to him beaming with joy . his real-estate development partner bob la salle ( john lithgow ) proposes a toast to him and to their prosperous business , while his high society friends give him their best wishes . upon retiring for the night , his daughter and wife are kidnapped in their bedroom and he is left with a ransom note to deliver $500 , 000 tomorrow or they will be killed . inspector brie ( stanley reyes ) comes up with a plan to put in phony money and a transmitter in the briefcase exchange , as that will lead them to the kidnappers . but the kidnappers burst out of the house surrounded by the police , taking the two victims with them and in the pursuing police chase , the kidnapper's car explodes and goes over the bridge , where none of the bodies were found . grieving the loss of his wife and child , the guilt-ridden michael builds them a tomb on the expensive land they were to develop . sixteen years later he goes with his partner bob on a vacation and he revisits florence , italy , where he met his wife . when he goes to the church where they met , he sees a young girl who looks exactly like his wife . her name is sandra portinari ( genevi ? ve bujold ) and she's working there restoring art that is decaying . he falls instantly in love with her and doesn't heed bob's warnings that she might be a gold digger and decides to take her back to new orleans and marry her . sandra becomes his second chance to prove his love , as he thinks he can finally put the past behind him . the surprises to come weren't really all that surprising , as the beauty in the storytelling is almost exclusively in the understated acting by the soul stricken cliff robertson , the emotionally impactful performance by genevi ? ve bujold , and the competent acting of john lithgow . it plays too much like a rehash of the master's work , to break any new ground , yet it is still thrilling in its own way . the farrelly brothers' third film , after dumb and dumber ( 7 . 5/10 ) and kingpin ( 8/10 ) , brings together the real-life couple of cameron diaz and matt dillon , some nasty humour , a cute dog , and a mix of love , fate and romance . plot : high-school nerd ted gets lucky when the cutest girl in his class asks him to the prom . unfortunately for ted , he accidentally gets a part of his male anatomy ( ouch ! ) caught in his zipper , and misses the big night . thirteen years later , ted still can't get mary out of his mind , and hires a private detective ( dillon ) to find her . once found , it turns out that mary has more than one suitor , and that's when the real fun begins . critique : likeable comedy with a few extremely funny scenes , some funny looking people , and a plot that won't ever put you to sleep . having said that , i must admit that i did like the farrellys' two previous films more than this one , but that is saying a lot , since i really did love those earlier pics . this one is also quite funny , but it didn't really blow me away like the others . then again , maybe my expectations were too high . then again , maybe i should shut up , and write a little more about the film , and less about my supposed subconscious reasons for liking/disliking the film . continuing where their other pictures left off , the farrellys' create a cutesy world of people with strange and endearing qualities , and a simple plot by which to tie them all together . this one also includes plenty of toilet humour , but also some borderline fun-making of the disabled and mentally-challenged . i must admit that i really wasn't sure whether to laugh at some points or not . not a good place to be . having said that , the scenes that did tear through the audience , and yours truly , were extremely hilarious , and went on for several minutes after the punchline . the laughter practically killed out the next scene for one of the best ones in the movie ( something to do with hair gel ) . on the negative end , i did not like the musical interludes of jonathan richman that ran through the entire picture . i found them quite useless , unfunny and distracting . also , i found that a lot of the funnier scenes had already been shown in the film's trailer . and of course , i never quite buy the fact that these beautiful , intelligent , single women still can't seem to find the " right guy " ( see kiss the girls ( 7/10 ) . i did really like all of the actors in the film , especially ben stiller , who appears to be solidifying his mark as a great comical actor with this picture and one of my favourites from 1996 , flirting with disaster ( 8/10 ) . i also liked matt dillon with his big teeth , and lee evans with his superb faux-sympathy british accent . funny stuff . also , make sure that you stay for the credits , because there is an entire montage of outtakes from the film that plays under a lip-synched version of " build me up buttercup " , which is really cool . overall , a cute comedy with a decent premise , and a few particularly hilarious scenes . little known facts : the farrellys big break came when they somehow got a copy of their script " dust to dust " into the hands of eddie murphy via ? murphy's neighbour . they only found out about murphy's interest , when they saw eddie mention the script on the david letterman show one night . matt dillon is a high school dropout . in between acting gigs , dillon has branched out into the restaurant business . close to home in his native new york , he co-owns both a bar called the whiskey and a swanky uptown eatery called the falls . cameron diaz stands 5 " 9 , started working as a model at the early age of 16 , and loves cats . ben stiller's father is jerry stiller . he played george costanza's ( jason alexander ) father on tv's " seinfeld " . peter farrelly has written a novel entitled " outside providence " which is currently being filmed starring alec baldwin . rob moran , who plays the cop in this film , also played the millionaire bowler in kingpin , and the bartender in dumb and dumber . he is old friends with the farrelly brothers from college , and is currently married to entertainment tonight anchor/correspondant julie moran . harland williams , who plays the nutty hitchhiker in this film , also played a state trooper in the farrelly's earlier dumb and dumber , and was the star of the unfortunate rocket man . when jim henson passed away , he left behind diverse legions of fans and a company whose ultimate success , it now seems , hinged on his input . jim henson productions and the creature shop are still thriving financially , but as the last two muppet films ( or that silly computer-generated monkey from lost in space ) demonstrate , the thrill and genius are gone . i'm not sure the dark crystal , made today , would generate from an audience of kids five to fifty the same awe-filled response . an all-powerful crystal has cracked , causing the leaders of the green world to split apart into two beings : the big , gentle mystics , and the vulture-like skeksis . the mystics send jen , a naive gelfling boy , on a mission to find the shard that cracked away , which must be reinserted into the crystal before the skeksis become eternal rulers , before the great " conjunction " of three suns . along the way , jen encounters and teams up with the only other gelfling alive , the rebecca demornay-like kira , an ogre-witch named aughra , who removes her eyes to look at things , and a spastic-but-friendly , tumbleweed-like animal named fizzgig . much of the beauty in the dark crystal , which is a simple tale ( though it does not condescend to any viewer ) , lies in its art direction and creature design . the puppeteering is phenomenal--observe the scenes in which jen plays his flute , or the landwalker chase--but i must stress that any thoughts of strings and hands and remote controls all but vanish in the opening moments of the picture , a delicately-narrated ( by john baddeley ) , absorbing prologue . the voice work in the film , by muppet regulars and irregulars , is tone-perfect . as well , trevor jones' score should not be discounted : it contributes to the film almost as an unseen character . i suppose , due to the complexity involved in executing a movie of this nature , that it couldn't be helped , but i wish the film was longer . jen and kira have wonderful . . . well , chemistry , and more scenes of them quietly conversing would have been appreciated . the dark crystal has a very small cult following . the weaker labyrinth is probably better-known , which is upsetting . a friend of mine related a story to me that henson was pressured into planting humans among labyrinth's creatures due to the financial failure of people-less the dark crystal . that film never quite found its footing ; it played like an acid-trip episode of " the muppet show " with david bowie as guest-host , borrowing from tolkien and pandering to tolkien's fan-base . ( i suppose i just made labyrinth sound appetizing to a certain sector of the public . ) the dark crystal deserved ( and still deserves ) a bigger audience . it's the best kind of children's entertainment : elegant , fantastical , and courageously un-hip . brian henson , fortunate son , keep looking back at this , your father's masterpiece . bob the happy bastard's quickie review : the mummy brendan fraser's stuck in the past again , but at least this time he has something better to do than to quote sitcom lines and try to woo alicia silverstone . . . fraser is the lead star of the mummy , the second directorial effort from action director stephen sommers ( who also brought us the decent thrill ride that was deep rising ) . it's a rough adaptation of the 1932 film , and i say rough because it focuses more on special effects than on some guy in bandages , like boris karloff was engulfed in . but who cares , the movie has a sort of swashbuckling quality to it you can't get from , oh , say , godzilla or armageddon . fraser plays a soldier who gets a premonition during a battle with soldiers in an egyptian ground . basically , it's a little sign from the mummy buried underneath- a priest named ihmoetep who was buried alive for taking part of murdering the king and making out with his mistress . his plan- wake back up and wake her up also , making him invincible . of course , fraser returns to the site years later with a librarian ( rachel weisz ) and her brother ( john hanna ) , along with a former buddy of his ( deep rising's kevin j . o'connor ) and some " americans " . . . and guess what ? yup , ihmoetep ( arnold vosloo ) awakens and wreaks havoc . fire flies from the sky , flesh-eating beetles crawl about , and , well , ihmoetep's plan begins to unfold . ok , so it's not really all that new a story , but the way sommers tells it is entertaining enough . the special effects from industrial light and magic are top notch , and the acting from fraser and weisz isn't half bad either . the action is pretty intense ( favorite scene : the sandstorm ) and there are a few shocking scenes just to jolt you horror-loving folks as well . no , it's no phantom menace beater , but if you're looking for a solid warm-up to the summer movie season , you won't find a better film under wraps than the mummy . if this doesn't give fraser forgiveness from blast from the past and encino man , then nothing will . the laserman : somehow the title of writer-director-producer peter wang's film conjures up images of superheroes , like ultraman and spiderman . you kind of expect an adventure flick about a crime fighter who can shoot laser beams from his fingertips . as it turns out , the laserman _is_ about crime and about laser beams , but there aren't any superheroes . instead , wang's film is populated by a group of refreshingly off-beat characters living in the ultimate cultural melting pot : new york city . the laserman is a comic brew which celebrates ethnicity , eccentricity , and electricity . the film tells the bizarre story of arthur weiss ( marc hayashi ) , a chinese-american laser scientist whose life becomes incredibly hectic after he accidentally kills his lab assistant in an experiment . he loses his job but finds work with a mysterious company which secretly plans to use laser technology to commit dastardly deeds . arthur's professional life is cluttered with moral dilemmas . his personal life , on the other hand , is cluttered with colorful friends and quirky relatives . in fact , arthur is by far the blandest character in the film , despite a charismatic performance by hayashi ( the san francisco-based actor whose films include chan is missing and the karate kid ii ) . it's the auxiliary characters who give the laserman its unique spark . arthur's not-so-typical jewish mother , ruth , for example , is convinced that a chinese soul is trapped in her jewish body . she has dyed her red hair black , she takes herbal medicine daily , and she is perpetually cooking up strange delicacies , such as matzo balls in soy sauce--the ultimate fusion of jewish and chinese cuisine . veteran stage actress joan copeland takes the part and runs with it , almost stealing the movie in the process . she plays ruth as a driven woman , determined to overcome her genetic heritage by immersing herself in chinese culture . arthur's girlfriend janet ( maryann urbano ) is a kooky free-spirit who would rather meditate than copulate ; her ultimate goal is orgasm through zen meditation . arthur's best friend , joey ( tony leung ) , is a small time thief who hustles everything from microwave ovens to machine guns . joey is married to arthur's jewish sister , but he is also having an affair with a chinese immigrant who works in a whore house . arthur's 11-year-old son , jimmy , played by the amazingly adorable david chan , is--horror of horrors--bad at math ! he finds it impossible to meet his father's lofty expectations . the various people in arthur's life come together to form a rich tapestry of humanity . like wang's earlier film , a great wall ( about a san francisco family visiting relatives in china ) , the laserman revolves around cultural differences . every character in the film is , in some way or another , trying to find his identity--struggling to negotiate a balance between his native culture and the american way . the movie also offers a provocative look at technology . wang appears in the movie as lieutenant lu , a detective who is fed up with machines , even though he relies on them to do his job . the film views technology with a wary eye , acknowledging its necessity while at the same time realizing its potential dangers . wang raises the time-honored question of whether scientists should be held responsible for their inventions . was einstein responsible for the a-bomb ? is arthur weiss responsible for his lasers ? the movie pits spirituality against technology , man against machine , and the result is a draw . according to the film , technology has its place , but we must employ it with great forethought and caution . ironically , by its very nature , the laserman is a triumph of technology--the technology of filmmaking . wang's direction is exquisite , especially during the tense finale in which the director frantically cross-cuts between the various subplots , perhaps in homage to d . w . griffith . cinematographer ernest dickerson , who has worked on all of spike lee's films , gives the laserman a distinctive , artistic look . mason daring's score , which includes a send-up of bach , is right on target . the laserman is an ambitious endeavor , which is to be applauded , but it's sometimes ambitious to a fault . wang serves up so many slices of life in the film that it's hard to digest them all . for instance , one character ( arthur's sister ) has negligible screen time , and consequently we just don't care about her marital problems . in weaving his web , wang has included a few too many strands . overall , however , the laserman is a charmingly eclectic concoction . on the surface , the film is a light and bouncy comedy-thriller , overflowing with whimsical humor and visual style . the heavier issues emerge only when you take a deeper look at the film . you can ponder the moral questions or you can just sit back and enjoy the absurdity of life in china town . imagine this . you're given a sword and a shield and very basic , minimal training . a man you don't know tells you that this will be the last day that you will live . you are thrown into an arena with thousands of spectators wanting to see you die . you frantically monitor several closed doors which , in seconds , will release vicious enemies prepared to destroy you . you watch as the innocent friends you made in the last few days are murdered in cold blood . if you are lucky enough to survive this chaos thrown at you , you know you're going to have to do it all over again tomorrow . eventually know matter how strong or skilled you are , you're going to die . this is the life of a gladiator . you'll never have to be a gladiator and after seeing ridley scott's powerful gladiator , you'll be thankful for that . with his new film , scott has returned cinema to the fascinating age of the ancient roman empire . and like those preceding it , spartacus and ben hur , gladiator has nearly everything going for it - a strong lead actor , a wonderful supporting cast , eye-catching special effects , and a great script . since the two aforementioned films came out before the prime target viewers of gladiator ( teenagers to thirty-year-old males ) were around , a whole new genre may just be reborn and revisited . >from a weak beginning , the film starts off extremely gloomy and inauspicious . rome's best general maximus ( russell crowe ) , who has helped the empire conquer nearly everywhere they have attempted , is currently ( in the year 180 a . d . that is ) waging a war against germania . scott shoots the gory battle in an awkward style , similar to that of saving private ryan but much less effective . it's blurry , in slow motion , and the sound is muted . as soon as this artistic method began , it was hard to tell what was what and who was who . it's a good thing scott stops this after the first twenty minutes or else gladiator would have been torture to watch . instead , the general swears he will get out after this battle . he wants to go back to his family and his crops , he wants a quiet life . but , unexpectedly , he gets anything but that . the dying emperor of rome , marcus aurelius ( richard harris ) , decides to have maximus appointed new emperor of rome once he dies . he asks maximus to restore the republic by giving more power to the senators . all of this does not go well for aurelius' son , commodus ( joaquin phoenix ) who was expecting his father to name him the new emperor . jealous and upset , commodus kills his own father , names himself emperor , kills maximus' wife and son , and attempts to kill maximus . but maximus is able to escape his own death and vows to kill commodus and fulfill marcus aurelius' wishes . now a slave , the only way he can win his own freedom and complete his goal is to become a winning gladiator , who eventually are released for their success . a story of betrayal and promises , gladiator is more than just a mindless action flick . you actually care about the characters , sometimes even the evil villain commodus , who is just a young man as determined to make rome one way as maximus is determined to make it the other way . phoenix plays his character brilliantly . think of commodus as the percy wetmore ( of pant-wetter the green mile ) of the roman empire - a whiny , sleazy , " respect-me-because-my-father-was-a-good-man " brat who hates when he's not the center of attention . every scene we see commodus , he's either crying or he looks like he has just been crying . phoenix has definitely matured as an actor since to die for , and gladiator shows he's more than just river's little brother . crowe is also excellent as the film's grisly-faced hero . maximus is one of the few characters in recent cinema who actually has emotions . this guy actually acts like a anyone in his situation would act , he's no invincible superhero who only blurts out one-liners , he ( believe it or not ) acts like a human being ! the rest of the cast , including richard harris , djimon hounsou , walter hill , derek jacobi , and connie nielsen are also first rate . ridley scott , using outstanding special effects , has brilliantly recreated the roman coliseum , the loudness of the roman mob , and the city of rome in general . the visuals are breathtaking and voluminous , like a cleopatra of the year 2000 . the costuming is also wonderful from the detailed shields and armor to the exquisite dress of the upper-class politicians . gladiator is another movie you have to see on the big screen to get the most out of the experience . along with u-571 , action fans should have plenty to see in theaters this week and should expect much more excitement to come this summer of 2000 . so here is the second of 1999's remakes of classic horror movies . the first was the dumb , pathetic but ok remake of the classic 'the haunting' . now comes the highly awaited remake of house on haunted hill . the classic which starred vincent price as a man who pays a group of people 100 , 000 to stay in his house . if they survive the night they get the money . if not well you get the jurisdiction . having not yet seen the film ( dvd on its way ) i wasn't sure if i would really like the remake . but sure enough it comes through and has a great storyline to fall back on . geoffrey rush ( in a fantastic role with an incredible performance ) is steven price , the owner of an amusement park destined to scare the wits out of people . his wife evelyn price is throwing a party with her friends . steven dismays at the idea and makes his own list . somehow someone , or something changes that list and five other people are invited to the party . eddie ( taye diggs ) an ex-baseball player , sarah ( ali carter ) an ex-assistant who can re-wire anything , melissa ( brigette wilson ) a talk-show host in sorts , dr . blackburn ( peter ghallager ) , and watson ( chris kattan ) a smart-mouthed humorist in ways . what he is gonna do is pay these five people 1 , 000 , 000 dollars if they can survive through the night . if they can they get the money , if not well they don't . the house on haunted hill used to be an insane asylum . years before mental patients broke out and killed the dr . there , forcing him to lock the place up because if he died , so did they . everyone who was in there burned to death . now it is steven price's home and he is throwing this party for these five people . what starts out as a seemingly normal night , turns into a horrifying , blood splattering night . the deep dark secrets of what really happened in that asylum and why those guests are actually there are revealed . one-by-one the people start to disappear . conspiracies start to turn up , and steven price finds out that his house may be alive after all . the people find rooms , which once held mental patients . rooms which once had people dying . rooms which may still contain these people . now these five people must try and survive the night and try and survive the house , and they must survive each other with terrorfying results . since i officially haven't seen the original i can't say which is better . i can say however i liked this movie . geoffrey rush gives a one in a million performance as the rich steven price , and does a great job doing a vincent price role . famke jansen as his wife was great and even kind of eerie at times . ali carter and taye diggs sort of become the main characters and ali carter who debuted in varsity blues gives a fantastic performance here as does taye diggs . chris kattan gives us great comic relief and the movie contains a lot of comical lines . peter ghallager and brigette wilson were great as well and gave commanding performances as potential victims . the plot was well conceived and was very absorbing . the movie has atmosphere the whole way through that is disturbing and creepy , and even sometimes downright scary . i found even the opening credits to me a little ominous . one thing i knew not to expect was a 'haunting' type movie with special effects galore . even though it had fantastic gore and special effects , the movie has only a 19 million dollar budget , which doesn's show all the way through but you can tell . the movie was written well , and it's only major flaw is the under-developed characters and plot holes that we are left with . the ending is quite clever and some may not even get it . i must say house on haunted hill was a surprise . i was expecting another haunting with special effects , no scares and a dumb ending . instead i found a good halloween movie with gore , scares and great acting . house on haunted hill is one of those movies you really can't take seriously . though it is a well-made movie with a good storyline it still has some flaws . but besides that the movie is fun , smart and scary and makes us wonder why remakes like this can't be made all the time ! apollo 13 is simply one of the most dramatic film this summer ( apart from swashbuckling braveheart ) . director ( and former actor ) ron howard ( splash , backdraft , far & away ) , most noted for his dramatic film making , displays again his brilliance in creating drama and suspense in apollo 13 . being the second largest box office hit in the us this summer ( with more than us$150 million in the states alone ) , this film is his most successful effort yet . perhaps one of the most appealing feature of this film is the pool of talented actors such as tom hanks ( gump himself ) , kevin bacon ( footloose , tremors , a few good men etc . ) , gary sinise ( forrest gump ) , bill paxton ( aliens , true lies , boxing helena ) and ed harris ( the abyss , just cause ) . . all of whom gave good performances in their respective roles . apollo 13 was the second worst accident ever to occur in the history of us spaceflight ( the worst being the challenger accident ) . jim lovell ( hanks ) , the mission commander , together with his crew , fred haise ( paxton ) and last minute replacement tom swigert ( bacon ) are put to the ultimate test when part of their command module explodes on the third day of the mission , more than three quarters way to the moon . suspense and drama ensue as the three men are left in space with their spaceship out of control and the problem of surviving the journey home . . . if they ever reach it . ed harris and gary sinise who play , respectively , the man in charge of the entire mission control and the astronaut who was supposed to fly but was diagnosed with measles , both delve into their roles superbly . audiences are shown the chaotic and worrisome state of the entire ground control crew , as they frantically attempt to come up with ideas on how to save the astronauts from hurtling into space . also , there are quite a number of real news footages which were broadcast during the accident which took the entire us nation into 5 days of drama in 1970 . the special effects by digital domain are up to standard and the music suits the suspense and drama very well , thanks to film-music maestro james horner . watch out for the launching sequence , it is simply one of the most breathtaking scenes of the film . a bad point though : apollo 13 features much technical jargon and many physics concepts in its script . those who consider themselves `scientifically illiterate' might have a slight problem understanding what caused this and what caused that during the course of the show . this is however , just a minor point , just forget all those technical bullshit and immerse yourselves into the drama and suspense throughout the film . you should enjoy it . in _daylight_ , sylvester stallone breaks no new ground , cinematically speaking , but he covers familiar territory quite well . yesterday , as i was going about my business in the university bookstore , i noticed this stand with these _daylight_ movie posters on it . i had never heard of the movie , so i stopped by to check it out . it turned out that they were giving away free passes to the movie for people who had or applied for the credit card they were offering . so , i shrugged , thought , " hey , they probably won't give me the card anyway , and i could always use a free movie , " so i signed up . all in all , i don't think i got that bad of a deal , either . rob cohen , who has previously brought us such films as _dragon : the bruce lee story_ and , more recently , _dragonheart_ ( gee , i wonder if he likes dragons for some reason ? you think ? ) , now brings us a very nicely executed disaster picture , with fx by industrial light and magic , about the after-effects of an explosion that collapses a busy tunnel between new york and new jersey . sylvester stallone plays kit latura , who is essentially a carbon copy of the character he played in _cliffhanger_ : a paramedic on the outs because he made a mistake that got people killed . when the crisis hits , he is in the right place at the right time and takes it upon himself to go in and get everybody out . there are other similarities to _cliffhanger_ , too ; perhaps the only real difference is that _cliffhanger_ had a villain , where _daylight_'s bad guy is mother nature . in fact , had the two movies been made in hong kong , this might have been titled _cliffhanger ii_--it bears the same relationship to that film that most hk film " sequels " do to their predecessors . the first half-hour of _daylight_ is setup . subplots are woven , and the mechanism of the disaster is assembled . we meet all the important people . . . toxic waste disposal truck drivers ; a young , frustrated , jilted , rejected playwright ; a family struggling to stay together ; an older couple and their dog ; a truckload of prisoners ; an ad agency executive ; a tunnel police officer ; stallone ; and others . we watch the trucks trundle toward their destination ; we watch stallone and so many others driving toward the tunnel for their various reasons . and then , thirty minutes into the film , _boom_ . and it's a big one . >from there on in , it's sly stallone to the rescue . and rescue he does , enduring batterings , beatings , falls , repeated immersion in 34-degree water , explosions , mud , rats , and constant setbacks , before going on to save the day , sly-style . again . . . there's nothing new here . and yet there doesn't need to be . the fun of _daylight_ is not in the story but in the execution . the special-effects are first-rate , thanks to industrial light and magic , and the ensemble cast works well together . once the film hits its stride , it carries the viewer right along to the finish , with very few jars along the way . this review is copyright 1996 by christopher e . meadows . permission granted for distribution through rec . arts . movies . reviews and all associated archival . permission granted for free redistribution via cyberspace as long as this message remains attached . all other rights reserved to the author . perhaps the most dramatic changes in the motion picture industry in this decade have to do with special effects . there is no question that action-adventure and science-fiction/action movies are now judged by the character of their light and noise . whereas classic adventure pics of the last twenty years , such as raiders of the lost ark , were made in grand traditional fashion ; contemporary films like jurassic park are multimillion-dollar creations of computer technology . the latest in this visually awesome series of movies , the wachowski brothers' the matrix , is a testament to the skilled use of special effects and its ability to enhance a movie's story . unlike many sci-fi movies which promote themselves as effects-heavy blockbusters but fail to deliver on that promise , the matrix is a carefully constructed special effects event . it runs 135 minutes in length and employs a countless number of computerized tricks which range from gimmick to grandiose , and the quality of the effects remains constant throughout the film's length . contrary to popular trend , the matrix commits itself to being a spectacle of light and sound . in this regard , the movie is something like a card sharp . with its flashy mass stripped away , the matrix would be quite shallow and untalented . the script is characteristically weak , and the dialogue suffers in lieu of a far more innovative visual approach . but , like the card sharp , the matrix wows its audience to such a high degree that actual content is irrelevent . the viewers don't care about what the matrix has to say as long as the next special effects sequence is right around the corner . and right around the corner they usually are , for the script tells a fast-paced , albeit frequently revisited story . as the movie explains , the world as we know it is nothing but an elaborate computer program constructed by an artificial intelligence for the purpose of placating mankind . billions of human beings lie in this dormant state while the intelligence -- the matrix -- " farms " our life energy . only a select group of individuals knows of the " real " world , and a particularly ingenious squad of these rebels is led by ultra-cool morpheus ( laurence fishburne ) . morpheus and his crew recruit a computer expert named neo ( keanu reeves ) , believing he is a prophesied individual who will help them overthrow the matrix and return peace to earth . the cast plays out this story in stylish fashion . the set design is very dynamic , running the gambit between cramped and dreary to bright and airy . the costumes , as well as the actors who wear them , add to the roles . for instance , the manifested antagonists in the movie , a group of " agents " created by the matrix in its computer program , all dress in matching secret servicewear ; the rebel fighters , on the other hand , dress in rich hues of leather . the casting cannot be criticized , for the typically stoic reeves isn't required to say much and laurence fishburne gets plenty of time to be so damn cool . supports in carrie-anne moss , joe pantoliano , and hugo weaving are all effectual . one of the best comparisons to thw matrix is last year's science fiction masterpiece dark city , particularly if one ponders how this same premise would've worked from a different approach . the alex proyas film was far more dark and introspective , requiring a bit of thought before themes became clear ; here , the wachowski brothers have managed to construct a thrill-ride motion picture with little abandon and much noise . the better picture between the two depends on the viewer , but the key to the success of the matrix is that the noise did not get in the way of the fun . let me open this one with a confession : i love cop movies . i adore them with such an unwavering , near foolish passion that i was actually one of the first in line to see 1998's one tough cop starring the smirkiest of the baldwin brothers , steven . was it any good ? well , just about as good as baldwin's steven seagal impression ( for those i've confused the answer is a resounding no ! ) . now let me clarify , i don't love just any cop movie ; i'm not too keen on the smug buddy cop flicks that were so in vogue in the 80's and now slowly ( gulp ) returning thanks to jackie chan and chris tucker . i'm partial to those gritty , earthy cop dramas like serpico , donnie brasco , and the french connection . problem is these films come along just about as often as george w . bush makes a cogent point so whenever a " true " cop movie does hit multiplexes , i come running towards it like an eager puppy ? ? ? and inevitably i leave , head bowed , tripping over my squiggly tail . so what is it about cop movies that transform me into a moron willing to shell out $7 . 50 for a movie called one tough cop ( which actually sounds a lot like a wiseguy spin-off , no ? ) ? truth is i'm a sucker for those barren streets , that gritty , graffiti strewn modernist jungle where dangerous criminals lurk and cops , like modern day knights , must shield us from their iniquitous clutches . yes it's all very corny and awfully boys clubish , which , i'm guessing , is precisely where these feelings come from . as little tots us boys are brought up to create our own wars with gi joe's , enact cops and robbers or cowboy and indian fantasies , etc . the best gritty cop films tap into those gleeful adolescent fantasies , and heighten them , turning it all into an existential nightmare of thin moral lines and psychological chaos . as an adult my tastes haven't changed all that drastically ; sure i can get a cerebral high from the emotional complexities of a krzysztof kieslowski film , but i still delight at the promise a " guy " film could potentially bring . now what if it's the cops who're the corrupt ones ? ooh that one really gets me going , these protectors using all that at their service , taking advantage of others for their own gain . throw a courtroom drama ( yech ! ) into the pot and you have the tremendously absorbing sidney lumet film prince of the city . how absorbing is prince of the city , you ask ? so damn absorbing that when the film shifts from gritty undercover cop drama to courtroom drama ( a sub-genre i loath the way kristy swanson must loath sarah michelle gellar ) i remained completely and utterly involved . the film stars treat williams , who gives the kind of performance that should have skyrocketed his career up to the level that brad pitt currently resides at . since i was hatched a mere two years prior to the release of prince of the city , i cannot provide an answer as to why it didn't . ( though judging from his recent roles in tripe like deep rising and dead heat i would guess that it probably has something to do with quite a few bad career moves ) . like mickey rourke and eric roberts ( both of whom are currently doing time in direct to video purgatory ) williams is a talented leading man who didn't make it to where he should have . ( if there was any justice in this dog gone world keanu reeves would be the one banished to direct to video hell ) . here , the actor is given a role not all that dissimilar from al pacino's in serpico ( also directed by lumet ) . williams plays danny ciello , a member of an elite squad of police officers who take down drug dealers on the gritty pre-juliani streets of new york . they work without uniforms or hours much like paid vigilantes . and that analogy is more than apt seeing as how the bunch are kinda sorta forced into using corrupt means to get the job done . the squad relies entirely on informants ( low level junkies ) to gain access to the big wigs , and in order to obtain the info they seek , they sometimes have to provide the junkies with the junk of their choice . danny has done this , and though he's a fairly honorable guy , who took the job in order to do good , his intentions have gotten a bit skewed along the way . he seeks redemption and concludes that the best way to go about getting it is by talking to internal affairs who then convince him to go undercover as a " double agent " . he does so with one condition : he will not rat on his partners . right away we know that that is exactly what he'll have to do . and watching the movie build to that is thrilling in the way that any great character driven story can be . undercover cop films are almost innately exciting , even the kind that pull out all the cliches ( like in too deep ) . how can one not be moved by the issues of betrayal , ambiguity , and the danger in putting oneself in such a risky position ? prince of the city takes all this and charges it with a perceptive , hard boiled script and taut unintrusive direction by old pro sidney lumet , as well as a handful of intense performances , most notably by treat . lumet's greatest contribution to the movie is how he lays back , and lets the camera soak up the action . his scenes transition rapidly from one to the next building layers of tension , and he rarely holds for reaction shots , instead he clicks away at precisely the moment a character stops yakking . lumet's worst tendency is one that many film makers ( especially oliver stone ) tend to overuse : he relies a little too heavily on actors shouting their lines at each other presumably in order to ratchet up the tension . this isn't as much a problem here as it was in night falls on manhattan , lumet's most recent cop \ lawyer endeavor , a movie that nearly gave me an ulcer from just watching . though of late lumet has made several really awful career choices ( maybe he and treat should get together for a drink or something ) , the most recent a completely unnecessary remake of gloria , here he was on , sustaining tension in a film that runs for 167 minutes with not one dull spot . some of the formula pictures i like the best are the most simplistic . hollywood often forgets how easy it is to make these kinds of pictures even tolerable . of course cop movies aren't popular anymore ( yes buddy cop flicks are popular but those are more like extended sitcoms with gunfire amid the punch lines ) , but just look at the average hollywood action movies , flicks so bloated and full of unnecessary fat like the boring love interest that serves no purpose other than to stall the action and demonstrate that our hero isn't gay , the lame comic relief character who's never funny , and on and on . for all its moral ambiguities prince of the city is a back to the basics cop \ courtroom drama that leaves out all the crap and really thrills . it focuses completely on its story , and its characters all of whom are completely believable from the cops to the lawyers to the junkies . there's a great scene early on where an irate williams shouts at an ia officer and looks as if he's about to go into one of those corny braveheart inspirational speeches , but instead he breaks down in front of the cop and begins sobbing . this is a scene that would never make it into a michael bay film ( even though bruce willis sacrifices his life at the end of armageddon , not one damn tear ) it would be cut out because the director would say oh that makes him too human , excuse me , weak . in the very next scene danny speaks in a hushed raspiness , straining to get the words out . he's lost his voice . does that little itty bitty detail matter ? maybe not to most , but it sure made my night . and in a sprawling epic of corruption , greed , betrayal and violence it's nice to see that someone is paying attention to the little things . carla gugino graduates from high school and instead of staying in her small farming town , she goes to college in california . there she meets the residential advisor pauly shore , who is a city boy . when gugino goes back home for thanksgiving , she brings shore with her , and her parents ( lane smith and cindy pickett ) are less than thrilled . dan gauthier , gugino's boyfriend from high school , proposes to gugino . gugino isn't ready for anything like this so she makes up the story that she is engaged to shore . she and shore have to make it look like they are engaged while her parents try to make it end . forget jurassic park , cliffhanger , the firm and last action hero , son-in-law is the film to see this summer . son-in-law is a great romantic comedy that should please the viewers , especially fans of the wiez . when son-in-law is long gone and forgotten , the blockbuster summer films will still be playing and you will have a chance to see them then . this film could also make great video fare for those that are leery of spending seven dollars on it . nothing will be lost by watching it on a television screen . although the basic story line has been done many , many times before , the film is still fun to watch . the laughs are plentiful , especially when the wiez is around . the way some of the jokes are done are new , even though some of the jokes are old . there are also several new jokes that , at least , i haven't seen before . still , when presented right , even old material can be funny still . this film is just basically a light comedy that is great to see if you are in the right mood that doesn't contain much violence or any nudity that is definitely worth full ticket price . the cast for this film does an excellent job . pauly shore ( encino man ) is the star attraction of this film . he is great , and knows how to entertain the audience . pauly shore just seems to take over the entire screen when he is on with expressions and comments that are hilarious . this film would definitely not have been as good with anyone else in this role . carla gugino does a very good job as the farm girl gone city girl . she makes her character believable , on some levels , yet interesting at the same time . the person who played the grandfather ( mason adams , i believe ) also does a great job . the way he delivered his lines kept me laughing throughout the time that he was on the screen . patrick renna , who played gugino's little brother , was a little annoying , but no where as near as macaulay culkin , and for only part of the time , so i can forgive him . tiffani-amber thiessen ( a killer among friends , " saved by the bell " ) does a reasonably good job for the time that she is on screen . she shows that she may have a potential in movies if she can get out of the corny young adults programming on television . she wasn't given overly much to do in the film , but what she had , she does a good job with . the soldiers of three kings have taken their cue from movies about vietnam . ( fitting , since the media-saturated gulf war became a pop entertainment . ) while driving through a long , flat iraqi desert ( in a humvee with a bart simpson hood ornament ) , one of the men under special forces sgt . maj . archie gates' ( who's steering ) command requests a beach boys tune . these men want their apocalypse now moment , only instead of surfing , they bop to the music and skeet shoot out the back of the vehicle , armed with automatic rifles . our three kings ( okay , four ) are good fighters , but they don't necessarily take operation desert storm seriously-it's a reprieve from their hellish day jobs . they are gates , new father sgt . troy barlow ( wahlberg ) , sgt . chief elgin ( cube ) , and pvt . conrad vig ( music video director jonze ) . at story's start , president bush has declared a ceasefire , and american troops are tying up loose ends . barlow , elgin , and vig discover during a round up of iraqi captives an " ass-map " that points to a bunker filled with gold bullion . gates leaves his jurisdiction to commandeer the situation ; he proposes-demands-that barlow , elgin , and vig join him on a treasure hunt . ditching his escort , a relentless reporter named adriana cruz ( nora dunn ) , is easy . so is finding the treasure , until the four men realize the magnitude of discord still breathing in iraq : saddam's men are threatening the dictator's detractors ( citizens of his own country ) with violence . when gates and company arrive at the bunker with a stolen truck , ready to loot , the unarmed rebels want help . ( bush encouraged them to rise up against the government , but provided no military support for such cause . ) gates convinces the vault's guards that this is a post-war mission , and even accepts their assistance in loading the truck . the situation could go off without a hitch : the former enemies bear no grudges . but the money hungry gates has a conscience , and when one female bystander is shot by a sadistic grunt before these americans have left the scene , he orders barlow , elgin and vig to open fire on the surrounding arab forces . the result : barlow is kidnapped , and the filmmakers imply that these would-be kings are seeing more action than they ever did during wartime . barlow is eventually locked in a dank room and wired up to a shocking device . his interrogator lost his family to the bombs , and he wants barlow to imagine the demise of his own wife and child . ( he does , in chilling , lasting images . ) i liked these scenes best , because the political became personal . it's one thing to champion the plight of thousands ; it's another to see a ceiling cave in atop a baby in a crib . russell has shocked us before : his first film , spanking the monkey , is about a young man's affair with his bedridden mother . ( it's great . ) his second , flirting with disaster , features a character who has an armpit fetish . one could argue that it's easier to make an audience react to such sexual deviance than explosions , though ; russell disturbs us in three kings by being no-nonsense about the violence . when barlow conjures the detonation of his suburban home , russell mutes the sound-we're paying attention to the debris instead of thx bombast . three kings is russell's first visually arresting picture . stylistically , it stands apart from other war dramas . newton thomas sigel's cinematography of the exteriors is overexposed and extremely grainy , which is , of course , entirely appropriate . one practically breaks out in sweat staring at the screen . ( a friend enthusiastically added , " it's like having sand in your eyes . " ) this also helps to blur the fact that the actual locations are far removed from the persian gulf facade . ( three kings was shot in arizona , california , and mexico . ) russell throws plenty at sigel's camera for it to observe-as was the case with russell's previous efforts , the most absurd moments are also the film's most realistic , even the most poignant . ( we watch a bullet puncture an organ from the inside . ) if anything , three kings settles down and stops surprising us . its climax is pure hollywood , no doubt the answer to why a major studio felt comfortable getting into bed with the indie-minded russell . subsequently , the characters become more cartoonish-barlow's post-torture revelry felt phony , and chief , a strong presence in the first third , fails to escape the god-fearing-ultra-serious-anti-racist-black-man-of-power clich ? -so much for cube avoiding token status . ( the arab players , on the other hand , duck stereotype . ) clooney , too , transforms into a blandly heroic protestor-marching with the rebels , i waited for him to shout , " let my people go ! " hayseed vig notwithstanding , the protagonists are very intelligent , and self-serving , too ; i had a glimmer of hope , based on russell's filmography , that our antiheroes would revert to their greedy selves at some juncture . ( it's not spoiling much to write that . ) then again , what historical importance would such nastiness serve ? ( there's already enough cynicism in the film's mentioning of kuwait's oil-infested waters . ) russell offers the masses a primer on the oft-dismissed gulf conflict , and pulled off a neat trick : a war tale full of battles that takes place after a truce has been declared . if he set out to make something socially/culturally/politically/globally significant , he succeeded . with flair . bill condon's " gods and monsters " is a fascinating look into the last days in the life of gay director james whale ( ian mckellan ) , who made the horror classics " frankenstein " and " bride of frankenstein . " since i was unfamiliar of whale prior to viewing the film , there is no way to know how accurate the film is , but i suspect that much of it only came from whale's inner fantasies and hallucinations . whale , who fought in wwi and then went on to become known for his work on horror pictures , decided fifteen years before his death at age 67 to quit filmmaking once a homosexual scandal broke out involving him . as the film tells it , during the end of his life , whale , at his large home in l . a . , became infatuated with the tall , handsome , and much younger man , clayton boone ( brendan fraser ) , who was working as the gardener at his home . james whale , we learn quickly was , what many people refer to him as in the film , " a dirty old man . " in one of the opening scenes , a young film enthusiast visits whale's home to interview him and whale agrees , on one condition : for every question he answers , the young man must take off an article of clothing . because of this episode , we know exactly what it is whale wants when he asks clayton to pose for him for a painting , later making the excuse that his bright , white shirt is disracting only so he will take it off . clayon agrees , and doesn't really think much of this , much to the warnings of his friends , becoming more and more intrigued in the stories whale tells him about his past . certainly , the relationship between whale and boone is headed for a downfall , since whale starts to grow a deep love for this young man , even though boone is not gay , and whale himself realizes he is nearing the conclusion to his life , as he begins to seldom suffer mild strokes and moments of true catharsis . " gods and monsters " is an intimate and seemingly respectful portrait of a director who was forced to become somewhat of an outcast , due to his sexual preference , and never got the recognition he would have liked , since he longed to be referred to as a " motion picture director , " rather than a " horror director . " and in one heartbreaking scene , he attends a party with boone being his guest , held by director george cuckor , and finds that many of the other attendees do not recognize him anymore . it is evident that whale's first love in his life was making movies , and when his career ultimately fell apart , so did his passion in life . as played brilliantly by ian mckellen , james whale comes off as a sad , but dignified man , and a person who was not afraid to stand out from others , just as long as he knew he was being true to himself . he never hid the fact that he was gay , however , even if it meant threatening his filmmaking profession , and it was this unblinking honesty that made him a great person . through the complicated relationship that develops between whale and boone , boone , of course , only things of whale as a possible friend or someone he can talk to , while it means so much more to whale , who sees boone as sort of his salvation in life . although boone is only in a dead-end job as a gardener of people's homes , whale views him as the ideal man , not only one that is good-looking , even though it is this attraction that first begins his feelings , but one that will actually listen to him . since whale lives with only his loyal , but disapproving maid ( touchingly portrayed by lynn redgrave ) , it is boone that whale can talk to in his ultimate reclusion from the world , and the only reason whale finally decides to attend the gathering of george cuckor . although an extremely fine and mature picture , a few small elements hold the film back from ultimate greatness . it is appreciated that the film does not pull for any obvious or overly dramatic story developments , but it is a little thin , and the structuring of the " on-again-off-again " friendship at the film's center is fairly predictable . we know early on where these two characters are headed , and we can guess that there will be a final confrontation between the two as the tension slowly builds . in lesser hands , this set-up might have felt too calculated , but it is not in the surprisingly deft treatment and writing that helps the film to be much more than this . also , a subplot is briefly brought up between clayton and a waitress working at a bar ( effectively played by lolita davidovich ) , but abruptly dropped and never brought up again . if the film was not going to follow up on this side story , then it , perhaps , should have been taken out altogether . " gods and monsters " is a heartfelt and intelligent motion picture , impressively directed by bill condon , who , i sense , relates to or fully understands the meaning behind the curious relationship between whale and boone . the film also plays as a tribute to a fine man who met an untimely end . walking away from " gods and monsters , " it was ian mckellen's marvelous and astounding performance that left the most impression on me , and i doubt there could have been anyone who could have stepped into the role more fully and believably . it is a sad testament when a person's true talent and love is unfairly taken away from them , based on the scrutinization and judgement of their personal life , which , ironically enough , is no one else's business in the first place . i must admit that i was a tad skeptical of " good will hunting " , based both on the previews and the first fifteen minutes of the film , in which the main character will hunting ( matt damon ) , an mit janitor in his early twenties , is discovered to be an einstein-level closet genius when he solves two extraordinarily difficult math problems overnight . the only problem is that will is a tough street kid who's had his share of run-ins with the law , and before long he's being hauled in for assault after a parking lot fight . professor lambeau ( stellan skarsgard ) , who had brought up the math problems in his lectures , tracks him down and strikes a deal with the police : will is to be released , provided he works with lambeau on his math research regularly and attends therapy sessions . this sounds like the formula for mildly charming fluff , but " good will hunting " rises above its fairly mundane premise to deliver a poignant and clever drama . a conflict gradually emerges between lambeau and will's therapist sean mcguire ( robin williams ) - lambeau wants to get will to use his brain , while sean wants him to listen to his heart , both of which he has been largely neglecting . will finds that the former is much easier than the latter , so much so , in fact , that he gets bored with it and grows increasingly resistant to lambeau's attempts to recruit him into the academic lifestyle . he also has his share of problems with his girlfriend skylar ( minnie driver ) , an mit student who is moving to california at the end of the school year and would like a reluctant will to come with her . what makes " good will hunting " work so well , aside from the strong performances ( especially from damon and williams ) , is the depth of characterization and the representation of the conflicts in will's life . the script's sympathies seem to lie more with sean mcguire than with lambeau , but neither of them is presented as completely right or wrong . lambeau , while he may seem a little cold at times , is still written well enough that we like him as a character even when we're not sure if we like what he has to say . and sean , for all his warm-heartedness , has , as lambeau and later will point out , not lived up to his full intellectual potential either ; the therapy sessions turn out to be just as revelatory for sean as they do for will . will's reaction to this situation , and the way in which he slowly becomes more receptive to skylar and to sean , is presented in a believable fashion and in a way that forces the audience to consider all the characters' opinions , rather than setting up an obvious " right " and " wrong " side and beating them over the head with it . for a film with such an extraordinary character , " good will hunting " presents itself as remarkably ordinary ; it achieves the difficult task of making the next albert einstein into an everyman , a character to whom the audience can easily relate and who must make choices similar to those that almost everyone faces at one time or another . this film gives us real drama when it so easily could have given us merely melodrama , by having the government kidnap will to use him in covert spy missions or introducing some other equally far-fetched situation . " good will hunting " also has its share of fun humor , such as when will , in an early therapy session , pretends to be hypnotized and smoothly parodies the alien abduction scenarios that have become so well known in popular culture . and in the one scene in which government agents do in fact appear , will blows them off with a hilariously scathing accusation of human rights violations in africa . will's relationship with his friends , most notably chucky ( ben affleck ) , is usually rather amusing , if somewhat crude ( the film has 100+ uses of the 'f' word , which was most likely the reason for its r-rating ) , and lends itself well to the development of will's character . add all this to the fact that " good will hunting " even manages to pull off an uplifting happy ending without getting excessively sentimental , and you might be wondering why i haven't given this film four stars . well , for one thing , no matter how well damon and affleck , who wrote the screenplay , and director gus van sant pull it off , the story is still rather contrived and not particularly original . there are also a few scenes that did feel a bit formulaic , including one that was supposed to be emotional but really just seemed like the obligatory crying scene for any movie involving therapy sessions . still , " good will hunting " takes its premise a lot farther than i thought it would , and is definitely one of the better personal dramas i have seen in the last few years , and as of right now it stands as one of the top five on my list of '97 films . a cinematic version of one of john irving's novels is always cause for celebration even if , as in the case of " simon birch , " the treatment is merely " suggested by , " rather than strictly based on , the book . suggested means that irving , author of the acclaimed " the world according to garp , " sold the rights to his novel " a prayer for owen meany " to the disney machine for $1 million , but wouldn't grant them permission to use either the title or any of the character names . that's an odd decision--irving claims it's to protect both himself and the novel--but it's one that doesn't unduly harm the finished product . irving's books are rich and complex works , full of intriguing , colorful characters . " a prayer for owen meany " is no exception ; it tells the story of an unusual boy--called simon birch in the film version--who is uncommonly small in stature and possesses a high-pitched falsetto voice , " like strangled mice . " simon believes himself to be " god's instrument , " placed on this earth to somehow effect god's plan . simon is played by ian michael smith , who suffers from a rare enzyme disorder known as morquio syndrome which , among other things , prevents bones , ligaments , and joints from developing normally . smith's debilitating disease makes him an obvious physical choice for " simon birch " ; however , the producers unwisely favored form over function--smith's acting abilities are limited at best . another drawback is that in the book , simon's condition is described the way irving describes any of his characters--in careful , loving detail . watching " simon birch , " however , creates a different feeling altogether ; the audience is forced into a voyeuristic relationship with the character , surely something irving would not have intended . simon himself tends to be too cute and irritating , a combination of smith's rookie status as an actor and the precocious one-liners he's forced to deliver , courtesy mark steven johnson , the film's director and screenwriter . fortunately , simon birch isn't the real star of the film that bears his name . simon is more of a catalyst , allowing his co-stars to shape the story , and the actors who fill those roles to turn in outstanding supporting performances , saving the film from an obsequious , manipulative destiny . first and foremost is joseph mazzello ( " jurassic park " ) , who is nothing less than remarkable as simon's best friend , joe . mazzello turns in a wonderfully layered performance for a 14 year old , ripe with laughter , pain , and tears ; he is certainly an emerging talent . ashley judd positively beams in her role as rebecca , joe's single mother , and oliver platt is warm and tender as her boyfriend , ben . david strathairn and jan hooks play the town's reverend and sunday school teacher respectively and their contributions uphold the high standards set by the others . there's even a surprising yet effective uncredited cameo performance from . . . well , that would be telling . perhaps " suggested by " the novel is the appropriate way to go after all , since " simon birch " only focuses on one chapter , one year , of simon's extraordinary life . the film also changes the book's ending to one that is more melodramatic , yet necessary given simon's lot . the flavor of irving's original novel remains , however--the passions , friendships , and insecurities that come with a change of seasons to the little community of gravestown , maine , and the engaging oddballs , both big and small , who reside there . the only historical figure that has been written about more than william shakespeare is jesus christ , which explains why the bard's materials are such a popular source for remakes , revisions , rewrites , inspiration , subtlety , credit , and dispute . indeed , in recent years , american contemporary cinema has been swamped with a wash of shakespearean products . including this year's upcoming a midsummer night's dream , shakespeare's material has been the cause for twenty-six big screen productions since 1990 . but for a change of pace , mrs . brown director john madden gives us a story of the bard himself in the wonderfully vibrant shakespeare in love . marc norman and tom stoppard's story is largely fantasy , although as the viewer soon learns , shakespeare in love is not a movie that takes itself seriously . ( will shakespeare of the 1590's would've been married to anne hathaway , and he would've had a teenage daughter and two young sons ; here he is a bachelor played by joseph fiennes . ) will is a writer struggling to come up with a great play , and his current comedy in the works -- " romeo and ethel , the pirate's daughter " -- just doesn't quite seem right . with the help of the great writer christopher marlowe ( rupert everett ) , and the inspiration of true love with noblewoman viola de lesseps ( gwyneth paltrow ) , he changes things around and writes one of his greatest tragedies , " romeo and juliet . " the love story between will and viola loosely parallels the story of romeo and juliet , to great effect . fiennes and paltrow develop a sexy chemistry as the two lovers which gives the movie much momentum ; this momentum smoothes out the bumps in the unfinished and largely unsuccessful comedy . the supporting roles are well filled out , from geoffrey rush as will's worrisome agent , philip , to tom wilkinson as the producer hugh fennyman . even ben affleck , leading the troupe of actors , manages to make a favorable impression ; and judi dench lends some brief moments of screen time as queen elizabeth i . gwyneth paltrow is by far , however , the standout of the lot , creating a large percentage of the forementioned vibrance . the story is well-crafted if nothing else , although it has dangerous moments where it flirts with the " let's make a movie " -genre . the dialogue is breezy and lighthearted , and certainly accessible by the audience's lowest common denominator . there's something for everyone in this romantic comedy , making it prime date flick material . although certainly not inspiring in any regard , it revels in a wholesome , well-rounded atmosphere that has been absent in many of 1998's pictures ; the true-love story is one of the best around . certainly recommendable when the traditional slew of indifferent year's-open releases is just around the corner . in 1912 , a ship set sail on her maiden voyage across the atlantic for america . this ship was built to be the largest ship in the world , and she was . she was also build to be one of the most luxurious , and that she was . finally , she was built to be unsinkable and that unfortunately she was not . to get a ticket for this voyage you either : spent a life's savings to get to america to start life anew , were part of the upper class and had the money to spare , or finally were lucky enough to have a full house in a poker match by the docks like jack dawson . jack dawson makes the trip , and happens to be at the right place at the right time . rose dewitt bukater , a first class passenger , climbs the railings at the aft of the ship with thoughts of jumping . thus is started a tale of romance and intrigue , and a tale of death and tragedy . . . this movie is about a tragic event that took place a great many years ago , an even that should not be taken lightly as any other bit of historical trivia . the movie titanic shows what happened , maybe not with a 100% degree of accuracy , but it still shows it very realisticaly . now the titanic is both a story on its own and a backdrop for a story . it serves as both admirably , brining forth an interesting story that although simple in its most simple premise is very captivating . this movie is very emotional simply because of what it is , but that alone is not enough . the story is brought out with a certain style that makes is so much more emotional and so much more effective . movies such as this will not be forgotten all too quickly and unfortunately then are not something that is produced by hollywood with any great frequency . the attention to detail that was paid is remarkable . the whole premise for the telling of the story is interesting , with the showing of brand new footage from the wreck of the titanic adding much flavor to an already good movie . part of the magical chemistry behind this story is the acting , and for this movie its extremely good acting from the whole cast . the performances put in by the main stars is something to be admired . the characters were played out so memorably that both leonardo dicaprip and kate winslet should receive at the least nominations for their roles . looking at the acting done in the movie it seems as if they aren't acting but are actually the characters in the movie . the casting for the movie could really have been better , in my humble opinion that is . one character that will most likely not be mentioned by any other review or commentary about this film is that of the ship itself . yes , you read correctly , the ship is a character . how is the titanic a character ? you ask well simple , a ship had a certain character about it and as most sailors and boats men will tell you . this character is everything about the ship from its specifications to its luxuries and the titanic was no stranger to this . mr . cameron brings the ship to life in an almost literal sense . all this adds to the movie in a certain way that most hollywood productions cant seem to grasp . now , to produce the effect that i mentioned above and to sink the ship itself are feats that are accomplished by special effects wizards . the effects in this movie range from marvelous costumes to beautifully rendered scenes of the ships sinking . in some respects you cannot tell that the effects are there , you simply think that what you see is what happened or what is happening ( if your imagination is good ) . the technical wizardry done in this movie is just spectacular and actually getting new footage from the wreck of the titanic is unique . the movie will leave you amazed at the effects , and that is a feat since there is no monsters or aliens in this movie , just humans and an oversized ship . the movie will amaze you and it will pull on your emotions , the theater that i went to had a few people leaving with tears in their eyes . now that is not a feat accomplished by most movies , now the fact that the tragedy actually occurred is brought home with something of a punch , i wont spoil the ending and say what happens regardless it is an interesting movie from beginning to the very end . the historical value of this movie is quite high , and honestly is something that should be watched for the sake of seeing it and seeing the tragedy , for it is extremely well done . the method of telling the story is also good , maybe not totally unique but effective none the less . regardless of anything mentioned above this movie is a grandiose production and the sheer size of the project undertaken is something to be marveled at . the simple fact that the movie is smashingly successful at what it aims to achieve is just astonishing . if you get the chance to see this movie go ! ! ! it might not be the best movie in the world . . but it ranks fairly highly and is well worth the time spent watching it . during none of the 3 hours and 13 minutes of the movie are you bored nor does your attention wane from the movie . the start of this movie reminded me of parts from the movie stargate . people are looking around in an egyptian temple reading about some dangerous thing that is going to destroy earth in the future . after a sort of confusing bit involving fake-looking cyborg things , the movie jumps into the future and the movie improves by leaps and bounds . the basic idea behind the movie is that every once in a while ( make that every 1000 years or so ) an evil force comes to destroy earth . the things needed to defend against this menace are the four elements of nature plus the fifth element . the plot in this movie really isn't that important to the thing though . this movie has very good special effects , for the most part . the techno-ish music in the background fits the mood very well . bruce willis is an illegal taxi-cab driver in a futuristic new york city . one day a lady draped with a few bandages drops down into his trunk . this movie is about what happens . the plot twists are interesting and the movie never fails to present the viewer with a variety of different locations . also there is a fair bit of action in the film , particularly towards the end . some characters are just plain strange including a highly-energetic deejay in drag . bruce willis does his normal job of blowing things away like he always does . the movie is definitely watchable and rarely slows down . it is one of those sci-fi films where you'll be saying " cool " followed by a " what the hell ? ! ? ! " . i give the fifth element . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . james toback's return to directing after a eight-year layoff , two girls and a guy , is a film which is comprised , more or less , of just that : one guy , blake ( robert downey jr . ) ; two girls , carla ( heather graham ) and lou ( natasha gregson wagner ) ; one primary setting ( blake's absurdly spacious bachelor apartment ) , and a great deal of dialogue . embracing a near real-time approach , this is a highly theatrical feature that completely hangs upon the performances of its three actors and the quality of the dialogue written by mr . toback for his bantering characters . fortunately , the film's cast is up to the challenge , and the wordy exchanges between the triad of characters , while admittedly variable , are occasionally wickedly amusing . the film's setup is fairly generic in nature , and opens rather unpromisingly . we meet self-possessed blonde carla and feisty brunette lou , both waiting outside a soho loft . as they engage in idle chatter , it is revealed that they're both waiting for their respective boyfriends to return from the airport , and it doesn't take long for them to come to the realisation that they're being two-timed by the same guy . more indignant with him than catty with each other , the duo break into blake's loft and await his arrival for a confrontation . it's when blake returns to his abode where the film hits its stride . played with magnificent bombast by mr . downey jr . , blake is a cad , all right , but a captivatingly dynamic , blusterous , and stealthy piece of work that bursts onto the scene and raises the stakes to new heights . it's fascinating to watch this character in his natural habitat , and perhaps the film's best choice was to have his two girlfriends scamper off into hiding upon his return , allowing us to size up blake not with his interactions with others , but by his own innate behaviour . whether he's flamboyantly behind his piano in a rollicking rendition of vivaldi , or on the phone leaving messages to his beloveds ( carla , lou , and his unseen sickly mother ) , it's never less than wildly entertaining and insightful . though at this point i almost hoped the film would transform into a one-man show -- a typical afternoon in the life of blake , if you will -- carla , and then lou , reveal themselves , and the sparks begin to fly . ( one of the great touches in the film is how blake , when startled by carla's unannounced appearance , begins to both verbally and physically backpedal even before he realizes that the cat's out of the bag . ) double-teamed by the understandably aggrieved women ( who are more smirkingly inquisitive than ferociously vengeful -- they want a justification for his ongoing hypocrisy ) , an increasingly-flustered blake weakly defends himself with apologetic and even self-righteous declarations against their verbal jabs . surprisingly delightful in the waltz of scathing witty banter shared by its trio of characters , two girls and a guy concludes its first sequence with an unexpected apoplectic act of such outrageous audacity that it seemed nothing was off-limits for this film . however , it'd be unfeasible to attempt to string along carla and lou's outrage to full feature-length , and it's as the movie gradually transforms into the sharing of exploratory profundities on the nature of fidelity and relationships that it slowly but surely begins to unravel . the dialogue becomes less and less engaging and clever , the film's tempo loses its liveliness , the dynamic between the characters evolves in unconvincing fashion , and several sequences fall flat . subtle and not-quite-subtle allusions are made ( a poster of jules et jim hangs prominently on the wall ) , and secrets are revealed which barrel the film toward an uncompelling weepy finale . one key turning point in the film is the kinky sex scene between blake and carla . two girls and a guy was embroiled in a bitter , long-running dispute with the mpaa with regards to this scene -- contractually-obligated to deliver an r-rated film , mr . toback was forced to resubmit fourteen scaled-down versions of the steamy interlude before the mpaa withdrew their nc-17 rating in favour of an r -- and while admittedly titillating , the net effect of the vignette on the film's thematic narrative is rather dubious . if anything , two girls and a guy serves as a showcase for the phenomenal talents of mr . downey jr . , whose versatility is put to the test in this film . he plays the gamut from indignant to humbled , from self-assured to disconcerted , yet his acting gears shift so smoothly as to not be registered . it's a wonderful performance in a role custom-tailored for him ; mr . toback wrote the screenplay in four days shortly after mr . downey jr . was arrested on drug charges , and it's hard not to see echoes of reality seeping into his character -- in a monologue to his mirrored reflection , blake's self-chiding to " get [his] shit together " is disquieting in its resonance . while mr . downey jr . 's showstopping performance is undoubtedly the primary strength of the film , both actresses are solid in more broadly-observed roles . ms . graham is quickly becoming one of america's more daring actresses , involving herself in three successive risky projects -- two girls and a guy and boogie nights are both quite sexually frank , while lost in space has a screenplay penned by akiva goldsman . she's quite appealing here , playing a character at once both dainty and sultry . meanwhile , ms . gregson wagner initially portrays lou with such an unwarranted spunk that audiences are likely to find it either annoying , or , like me , endearing . she tones it down substantially as the film progresses , but i found her more fun to watch as the artificially excitable chatterbox . the film was reportedly shot in eleven days , filmed mostly in sequence , and the resultant artifacts of this rapid shoot are evident throughout . two girls and a guy has an agile , spontaneous sort of feel , and one senses that mr . toback encouraged a good deal of improvisation from his three actors . while the film could be transposed directly to the stage more or less intact , it doesn't feel constricted ; the expansive apartment setting is well-used to vary the background , and mr . toback allows his camera to wander and linger on his characters in an effective manner . two girls and a guy falls short of its potential , but thanks to some stellar work by mr . downey jr . , it's still often an enjoyable , bitingly funny romp , particularly as we watch the surprisingly-resilient blake evasively try to rationalize his behaviour and even turn the tables on his girlfriends . " i'm an actor , " he tells them at one point , using the ol' tried-and-tested occupational-hazard defense . " actors lie . " but not , they all seem to agree , denzel washington . robert altman's cookie's fortune is that rare movie that does not depend on sentimentality to be uplifting and to make its viewers feel good . it is a sunny , delightful , dreamy comedy , filled with lovely performances , skillful direction and topped off with an understated , clever , extraordinary script . as this is an ensemble piece , it is forced to start of slowly as it introduces us to its characters , all of them residing in a southern town called holly springs . first we meet willie ( charles s . dutton ) , an honest man with a slight drinking habit . we then see that willie takes care of an elderly lady nicknamed cookie , who is slowly losing her grip on sanity and is being filled with loneliness , despair , and want of her dead husband . we cut to camille ( glenn close ) who is obsessively directing a play with her sister cora ( julianne moore ) . then we briefly get acquainted with emma ( liv tyler ) , an apparent relative of cookie , who is a down-but-not-out teen outcast , still full of love and hope even though she has no real place to live . we also fleetingly see emma's lover jason ( chris o'donnell ) , an ambitious but far too excitable young cop . we are now about one quarter through the two hour picture , and robert altman decides that it is time to set the plot in motion . we see the ecstatic cookie stare hopefully at a picture of her husband . she exclaims " here i come ! " and then puts a pillow to her face and shoots herself . soon after , her niece camille stops by to get a fruit salad bowl , comes upstairs , finds cookie dead and flips out . convinced that suicide is a disgrace and that she will have none of that in her family , she eats the suicide note and convinces her slightly slow ( yet sweet ) sister that it was a murder . she makes sure that she stages it like a murder as well ; scattering jewelry all over the floor , breaking a few cabinets , windows and doors , and then throwing the gun out in the back yard . the only reasonable suspect is willie , who immediately gets taken into custody , and put in a jail cell ( they all know he didn't do it , so the cell stays open and he plays scrabble with the sheriff and the faithful emma ) . meanwhile , the unperturbed camille continues her none-too-subtle manipulations trying to further cover up for the murder while at the same time making her easter play a success . so begins cookie's fortune , a film aptly described by critic scott renshaw as " a southern spin on fargo , " except that this one is far funnier and much more enjoyable than the coen brothers' darker , somewhat disturbing and slightly overrated escapade . robert altman's slight picture is in some ways reminiscent of something like midnight in the garden of good and evil as well , in that both films focus ( on and off ) on the eccentricities of the residents in a southern us town . indeed , most of the characters in cookie's fortune are loads of fun to observe , and a portion of them are fascinating and surprisingly multi- dimensional . glenn close turns in an insubstantial ( in terms of her career ) but magnificent performance as the conniving camille and is also the source of a good portion of the many laughs that we enjoy in this movie , and she is perfectly cast as the prolific " aunt alexandria " character , endlessly obsessed with family dignity . the equally essential role of willie is handled with an intangible grace by veteran thespian charles s . dutton ( mimic , a time to kill ) there is nothing like a movie which leaves you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside hours , even days after the film ends . cookie's fortune is such a movie . i loved the light , kindhearted approach altman ( whose last project was the dark , intense drama the gingerbread man ) took towards the tricky subject matter . i enjoyed the talented ensemble cast . i even liked the trite " in the south everybody is related to everybody " cliche that is inevitably employed by the time this movie draws to a close . i'm not sure why cookie's fortune had such an all-around pleasing effect on me . perhaps it's that good ol' southern charm . well i'll be damned . . . the canadians can make a good movie . the world is coming to an end . we don't know why or how , but apparently there is no way to stop it . the world has had this information for months , as most of the rioting and other assorted chaos has passed and governments have shut down operations . yet for a handful of toronto citizens , life goes on . they aren't going crazy or attacking people in the streets . instead they are simply preparing themselves for the end . . . some engaging in activities they've always wanted to do , some gathering with family and friends , and others just seeking to be alone . these people's lives however all intersect during their final six hours . writer-director-star don mckellar has crafted a highly unique and emotional film . all of the main characters are compelling as they try and do whatever it is they need to do on their last night on earth . craig ( callum keith rennie ) tries to fulfill all his sexual fantasies , a gas company employee ( david cronenberg ) calls every customer letting them know the gas will be flowing until the very end and thanks them for their business , and patrick ( mckellar ) just wants to be by himself but isn't having much success . even minor characters keep popping up where you least expect them to , tying everyone even closer . things seemed a little hokey towards the beginning of the film , but ultimately everything comes together nicely ( although it's not a happy film . . . some moments are understandably gut-wrenching ) . the story is enhanced by some unexpected humor and very realistic performances , particularly from sandra oh , whose character is just trying to get home to her husband before the end . i have absolutely no problem that the reason for the end of the world is never given , nor does it bother me that the world is ending at exactly 12 midnight ( in toronto anyway ) . but i do wonder why the sun never sets . come midnight , the sun is still shining brightly . maybe the sun is crashing into the earth . . . who knows . also , it's comforting to know that in mankind's final moments on the planet , people will still gang up on the street for the sheer purpose of pushing over a car or a bus ( that's not a shot at this film mind you . . . i know people are just stupid and truly would be out in the street tipping over cars ) . last night is available on dvd from universal home video . it contains the film in fullscreen format and includes the original theatrical trailer . [r] hedwig ( john cameron mitchell ) was born a boy named hansel in east berlin . as a teen seeking his " other half , " he reluctantly agrees to a sex change operation in order to marry american g . i . luther ( maurice dean wint ) . the operation , performed by a hack surgeon , is botched , and the " angry inch " is all that's left . now a " she " , hedwig comes to america , is abandoned by luther , forms a rock band and falls for her 17-year old lover/prot ? g ? , tommy , only to be rejected by him later , too . she and her band , the angry inch , shadows the now-famous tommy gnosis across the us ( for revenge ? ) , but hedwig is really in search of her lost other half in " hedwig and the angry inch . " first time helmer john cameron mitchell , along with composer/lyricist stephen trask , created and starred in their acclaimed off-broadway production that has become the movie . and quite a movie it is in its eclectic variety of songs , outrageous costumes , sets and makeup and , especially , a riveting performance by mitchell as the title character . mitchell and trask have reinvented the movie musical and couple it with the underlying story of just whom hedwig is and what she is looking for . i am , by far , not a big fan of musicals . sure , there are exceptions , like bob fosse's " all that jazz " and " cabaret , " but , for the most part , they are just not my cup of tea . " hedwig and the angry inch " is an exception , though , with its combination of humor , wit and a collection of tunes that covers musical styles ranging from " the rocky horror picture show " and meatloaf to david bowie to the sex pistols . the original songs , by stephen trask ( also appearing as one of the members of the band the angry inch ) , are full of energy and variety and , even though it's not my kind of music , i found every one entertaining and fun . the audience i saw " hedwig " with thought so , too . the main attraction to this one-man/woman show is the presence of its star . john cameron mitchell gives a solid , sometimes fun , sometimes angry performance as a person searching for self-enlightenment and love . as a young boy growing up in east berlin , hansel is abused by his g . i . father and raised by his german mother in a tiny flat so small that " mother would make me play in the oven " where he listened to pop music on armed forces radio . later , as a young man , he meets luther , another g . i . and is swept off of his feet . the ensuing angry inch incident comes soon after . flash forward to a trailer park in junction city , kansas , and luther is leaving hedwig for another boy . frustrated and broke , she takes on baby-sitting and the odd " job " to make ends meet . she also forms a band with four korean housewives and the musical talent of hedwig is born . she meets , falls for and loses young tommy , who steals her songs and goes off to become a rock sensation . jealous and angry , hedwig and her new band begins a campaign to shadow tommy's tours and , with the help of her manager , phyllis stein ( andrea martin ) , is trying get a law suit going against the star for stealing her songs . hedwig and the angry inch get gigs , not coincidentally , at a chain of seafood restaurants that just happen to be next to the forums where tommy gnosis is playing . things finally come to a head , so to speak , in new york city . the popularity of the off-broadway musical and its offshoots have garnered a ready-made audience base for " hedwig . " the wit , humor , music and search for identity has great appeal to young adults , but the charismatic presence of mitchell makes this a cut above what it could have been . it is this one-man/woman show that casts its spotlight on its " internationally ignored " rock star and mitchell is outstanding in the role . there isn't a lot going on with other characters , though there are amusing little sidebars , like hedwig's backup singer/lover , yitzak ( miriam shor ) , deciding to break away from the band to join a polynesian road show of " rent " as a puerto rican drag queen . the low budget that the moviemakers have for the production belies the quality of the film . attention to details - hedwig's costumes and outrageous " cabaret " -like makeup ; the seedy trailer park setting ; and , the kitschy seafood restaurants - are loads of fun to watch and lend the appropriate air to the proceeds , all on what has to be a beer budget . " hedwig and the angry inch " may not be for everybody , but the energy of the effort , the songs , the imaginative sets and costumes and a fast steady pace make it a pleasure to watch . if you're a fan of contemporary , edgy music , it is an even bigger draw . i give it a b+ . niagara niagara ( r ) bob gosse's niagara niagara follows a blueprint not unlike a lot of young-lovers-on-the-road movies . wild marcy ( robin tunney ) and calm seth ( henry thomas ) meet cute , literally running into each other while shoplifting at a local store . a mere couple of scenes later , the two embark on a journey to toronto from their small , unnamed american town in pursuit of a rare doll that marcy desperately wants . along the way , true love inevitably blossoms . what sets niagara niagara apart , though , is that marcy is afflicted with tourette's syndrome , a neurological disorder that causes sudden muscle and vocal tics . tunney , displaying an acting range not hinted at in the teenage witch thriller the craft , delivers an astonishing performance that won her the best actress prize at last year's venice film festival . to term her work a tour-de-force is not to imply that she attacks the scenery ; tunney's effectiveness lies in her modulation and vulnerability , which makes her depiction of marcy's illness--which often causes her to act violently--that much more convincing and tragic . she and the nicely subtle thomas develop a sweetly innocent and beguilingly off-kilter chemistry . their journey hits a few rough spots creatively along the way , mostly the fault of writer matthew weiss . a detour involving a kindly widower ( michael parks ) who takes the couple in brings the story to a screeching halt , and the key character of a trigger-happy pharmacist ( stephen lang ) is highly unbelievable . but these missteps do not blunt the power of tunney's bravura turn , which carries niagara niagara to a level of poignance it would not have otherwise achieved . ( opens march 20 ) " i didn't know what to expect . it's like something you chase for so long , but then you don't know how to react when you get it . i still don't know how to react . " --michael jordan , on winning his first nba championship in 1991 . . . or , my thoughts after meeting him on november 21 , 1997 notice : this is a review and analysis of exotica . the first part of this piece is the review , the second part contains some analysis of the movie which might be construed as spoilers . if you have not seen the movie and after reading the first part you intend to do so , then save the second part for the discussion afterwards . starring : bruce greenwood , mia kirshner , elias kosteas , don mckellar , arsinee khanijian , sarah polley director : atom egoyan screenplay : atom egoyan exotica is a film that grows on retrospection . exotica keeps the viewer guessing about the relationship between the various characters in the film . all of the people know each other , but apart from that , there seems to be no other reason why to select such set and follow them in this fictional account . the director hints for possible solutions , using a multi-line plot , so popular with critics in mystery train , and used to good advantage by quentin tarantino in pulp fiction . exotica reaches a whole new dimension using this technique . at the end it is surprising to see how well the pieces of the puzzle fit together , in spite their apparent unconnectedness and even misleading features . the out-of-chronological-order technique has become ever so popular , perhaps even de rigueur , for biographical films . similarly , we can now expect to see more movies in the future which will use , to varying extent , converging multiplots . on a first glance , once the multi-plot puzzle in exotica is solved , there seems to be little left to look at . but perceptive minds which take the time to dig further will be rewarded with interesting views on life or rather , commentaries on views of life . exotica is very much worth seeing . it opened to critic's praise worldwide ( i first saw it in mexico city , last december ) . in canada , it broke records for a movie of its kind , which prompted the american distributor to go for a wide release . apart from a strong plot , acting is very convincing , and the soundtrack seems as if made for the movie . the spoon-fed-entertainment crowd may not appreciate this movie , and thus it might last little on screen . but if you want to try a movie a cut above the crowd , with an originality that is ever so rare , by all means see exotica . analysis ( * * spoilers * * ahead ) what is behind the complex plot in exotica ? first , a common theme of the quest for gratification by monetary means . the lone tax-auditor , the repressed homosexual pet shop owner , the pregnant woman which runs the nightclub , the rich man which has the club remodeled , the audience at the movie theatre , all use personal wealth to buy palliative relief for the penuries of the soul . . . . then we have the quest for gratification through visual means by most of the same people , including those who sit watching exotica . . . . in that regard exotica stands for onlookers at a nightclub , for the rich man looking through silver mirrors , and poor-rich people looking at other's people lives through a silver screen . exotica also stands for unwanted society attention into the lives of other people , such as the tax auditor and the pet shop owner . exotica is the customer agent looking at the pet shop owner , which in turn is looking at the core of the problems between the strip dancer and the tax auditor through the detached eye of a gay person ( no attraction to the strip dancer ) , and only interested on avoiding jail ( no personal relationship with the tax auditor ) . in exotica everybody is watching , and what is worse , everybody knows . second , exotica is about isolated people holding back their feelings ; about people which by voluntary or involuntary means transfer their view of reality to other characters . the strip dancer becomes the proverbial daughter , the dj becomes the proverbial killer by means of breaking the relationship between the father and the proverbial daughter . the niece becomes the baby sitter , the baby sitter becomes the dancer , and the dancer becomes the proverbial daughter . the pet shop owner becomes the proverbial dj , by finding the proverbial daughter . a chain made of real and imagined links coming around full circle , just as everything comes around to a fitting whole at the end of the movie . i actually am a fan of the original 1961 or so live-action-disney flick of the same name starring hayley mills twice as a pair of twins , separated at birth by divorcing parents , never to come in contact with the other so the parents never have to meet again . and everyone should know how i feel about remakes , especially of films i happen to enjoy ( my fallacy : unless you're going to either capture the same exact spirit of the original or do something different with it or maybe even both , just wrack your brain and come up with a * gasp * new idea ) . this remake was not originally on the top of my viewing list , and was actually quite the opposite . contemporary live-action-disney films are not one of my favorties , anyway : they're usually unfunny , alienating , and a big fat bore , at least to anyone over the age of 11 and above the iq of 10 . this one , however , is shockingly not bad . in fact , it's actually good . not the original good , but what's great about it is that it doesn't necessarily retread the original or capture the same exact spirit as it does become entertaining for the same exact reasons the original was entertaining . because it's cute and innocent fun . because it has a pretty killer plot that is endlessly fun to follow along with . because the lead star is immensely appealing . because the parents are also immensely appealing . and ( i'm repeating myself ) because it's cute and innocent fun . there's nothing too risque about it , save the plot ( the idea of separating twins and denying them the truth for years is ominously selfish , but that is precisely the point of the movie ) , and it's aimed directly at either kids , adults who want to remember the original , or young adults who want to remember what it was like to be a kid . i , personally , am somewhere between the second and third . i can vividly remember when my taste in movies wasn't so weird or diverse ( the names godard and kubrick weren't even a glimmer in my right eye back then ) , when i would tune in every sunday night for a couple years to see abc's " wonderful world of disney , " where they'd show you a live-action and/or made-for-tv disney flick an hour per week . i can remember my mom taking my sister and i along with all my friends and their mothers to see all the rereleased disney films ( like " lady and the tramp " and " pinnochio " ) . and , most sadly , i remember every single christmas , without fail , there were a barage of children's animated half-hour shows , made exclusively for the christmas season , that i wouldn't dare missing . i can even remember seeing the made-for-tv " parent trap ii " on tv one night , and after i had seen that one over and over and over again , i saw the original " parent trap . " it's more of a late childhood movie , because it deals with the issue of divorce , but it deals with it in a disney-ized version . it's playful , and witty , and charming , and if i saw it for the first time right now , having never experienced that part of my childhood , i'd probably dismiss it . i'd probably do the same for the new version of the same movie if i hadn't seen the original at such a perfect age . watching it , i could remember what fun it was to watch a disney film , and how divorce for me started to get me thinking about the possibilities of my seemingly-perfect parents splitting up , and how it affected my adolescence . and also how it brushed that fear off with a smooth stroke , and pointed out that even in the most fucked-up of situations , things could always work out if you , well , manipulate things a bit , at least for the better . this new version did that for me , but it's also charming in its own way . it has a new cast , a contemporary feel , and , for the first time in awhile for a live-action-disney flick , a tone that isn't corny or condescending , but just right . the moments that would otherwise seem corny are actually affecting in a safe kind of way . and for the first time since the original film , the kids actually know better than the foolish adults . the story is basically classic by now , repeated almost as many times as kurosawa's " the seven samurai " : a pair of twins ( played here by lindsay lohan , just like they were played by hayley mills in the original ) are separated at birth by their divorcing parents . one , annie , is sent to live with the mother ( natasha richardson , resembling her mother , vanessa redgrave , more than i had ever noticed ) in london , where she lives with her parents and her devoted , foppish butler ( simon kunz ) , as she works as a swingin' fashion designer . she grows up refined and classy , but also with a keen knowledge in sports and poker-playing . the other , hallie , is sent to northern california with her father ( dennis quaid ) to live on a vineyard with their pseudo-maid ( lisa ann walter ) , and grows up rugged yet charming . they both meet at the same camp , one that annie wants to go to to become more rugged . they feud because they look all-too similar , and are thus in tight competition , which results in some nasty pranks , which winds them in seclusion together in a private , out-of-the-way cabin . there , they become friends , then learn about eachother . once they know everything , they concoct a scheme to switch places so the one can meet the other parent , whom they've only heard of . they learn about eachother's lives in detail , they make sure they look alike ( which requires hair cutting and , notoriously , ear-piercing - a scene which is like the kiddie version of the hypodermic needle scene in " pulp fiction " ) , and when the end of summer comes , they switch and hope for the best . lindsay lohan doesn't necessarily copy the acting style of hayley mills in the original . but she comes off just as appealing as she did once . she does , though , add a couple new things : she makes the california twin a little more appealing and the london twin a bit more frank and snobbish than the snotty and proper original , respectively . she also adds on an american and british accent to each one , with one faking the other accent throughout , and if you really take notice , you can see that the fake ones' accents aren't exactly perfect . she's also incredibly appealing , not merely cute , which is especially notable since this is her first feature film , and we know how notorious child actors are , especially in their first films . she makes a great protagonist , and it only helps that the supporting cast is equally appealing . dennis quaid , in fact , hasn't been this likable in about a decade - his big dumb smile and near cocky attitude is what has made him a notable actor in the past , not just that he's mr . meg ryan . ditto natasha richardson ( except that she just hasn't ever been this likable period ) . the two make a winning couple , maybe not so winning as maureen o'hara and the late brian keith in the original , but they still work for this film . instead of the bickering that ensued in the original , the film adds another dimension and another angle to their characters that was amiss in the original : during the opening credits , we see glimpses from their courtship on the qe2 , where they fall quickly and madly in love with eachother , and when back together again , the film's more smarmy scenes come off as actually sentimental , but in that great way , not the migraine-inducing way as in many such films . this all brings this new " parent trap " to a level of entertainment that hasn't really existed since , well , the original film years ago , still my money the best live-action-disney flick of all time . this is because it has a form of intelligence and wit that makes such plot points as an otherwise standard villainous love interest subplot ( a gold-digging sharon stone type , played by elaine hendrix , who's deliciously tormented by the twins later on in the film ) a treat instead of a bore . like the original , this film transcends all the crap that it very well could be ( case in point : " it takes two " starring the olsen twins ) because it treats the children as the smart ones , and the adults as the silly ones , not the other way around . and because , above everything , it knows exactly how to be charming without biting off more than it can chew . however , in comparison with the original , it could be a bit better . certain scenes work well , but not nearly as well as they worked in the original . i liked the way the parents fought over past dilemnas and then fought over falling in love again better than i liked watching two old flames getting back together over a bottle of wine - somehow , feuding is always more cinematic and pleasing than mere reminscing , a lesson extracted from the howard hawks/cary grant films of yesteryear . and as much as this film transcends mere cutedom , compared to the original , this film almost drowns in cutedom . the original , though not gritty , was far more stylized and just as suitable for adult audiences as it was for young audiences . as such , this remake may never be nearly as great or classic as the original film , but it at least knows how to treat its source material with dignity and respect , and how to create virtually the same effects without bordering on plagerism or petty annoyances . gere , willis , poitier chase each other around the world the jackal a film review by michael redman copyright 1997 by michael redman when the soviet union imploded , the western countries lost their shadow . with the united states friendly with the russians , we no longer had an entity to blame for the world's problems . this showed up in hollywood films as the communist government was no longer the easy bad guy . it's time to rejoice because we've found our new villain . now it's no longer the russian government who sends killers out into foreign lands , it's the russian _mafia_ . a perfect solution , it combines the dread of organized crime and the still-present uneasiness with the former eastern block countries . best of all , the villains are still foreigners : fear of the other always plays best . so it is a crime lord in moscow that sends legendary hitman the jackal ( bruce willis ) to assassinate a highly placed us government figure in retaliation for the death of his brother during a nightclub raid . the fbi is at a loss as to how to protect the target from someone they're not sure even exists . coming to their rescue is former ira operative declan mulqueen ( richard gere ) who is temporarily released from prison to assist fbi agent carter preston ( sidney poitier ) and russian major valentina koslova ( diane venora ) . mulqueen's ex-girlfriend basque terrorist isabella ( mathilda may ) is the only person who has seen the elusive jackal . ( presumably there is an exclusive international terrorist club somewhere where the three met . ) the film follows two parallel tracks as the jackal prepares for his $70 million hit and mulqueen attempts to locate him while preston makes sure that the irishman doesn't slip away . crossing numerous borders and donning various disguises for both himself and his mini-van , the killer is always one step ahead of his pursuers . being very loosely based on the same book the 1973 thriller " the day of the jackal " , comparison between the two films is inevitable . there is no doubt that the original is the better movie , playing the story for suspense rather than the current action/adventure . as a mystery , " the jackal " has enough holes in it to ruin the tale , but if you can accept it for what it is , there's entertainment to be had . holes ? let's see ? a pivotal clue for mulqueen is so obscure that he must possess psychic powers to pick it up . for a 20-year veteran that can command the big bucks , the jackal is an incredibly poor shot . the final scene between gere and willis occurs in a location that should be mobbed with police , but it's just the two of them . willis' disguises usually look like bruce willis and are just as interesting as val kilmer's in " the saint " . ( and lest you misunderstand , that's not a compliment . ) but the three stars are fun to watch . it's good to see gere in something other than a business suit . willis has a mixed history in picking projects , but his characters are always watchable . poitier is by far the superior actor , but has limited screen time . the problems in logic are flaws , but don't ruin the experience . occasionally there are movies that transcend their blemishes . this is one of them . [the appeared in the 11/20/97 " bloomington voice " , bloomington , indiana] it's terribly unfortunate that " stir of echoes , " tautly written and directed by david koepp ( who made one of 1996's unsung treasures , " the trigger effect " ) , should be released little more than a month after " the sixth sense , " which is still going strong at the box office . these two films are undoubtedly going to be compared ( judging from practically all of my fellow audience members last night ) , and although they have eerily similar storylines , " stir of echoes " is more of a straightforward psychological horror film , while " the sixth sense " is closer to a psychological drama . additionally , while " the sixth sense " had a shocker of an ending that undoubtedly has been one of the major factors in its recent repeat business , " stir of echoes " is more conventional and predictable in its final twist . and where " the sixth sense " was disturbing , " stir of echoes " is just plain scary . i have a feeling most viewers are going to come away unimpressed because of the unavoidable similarities , and will foolishly forget to judge this film on its own respectable merits . adapted from a novel by richard matheson that was written some forty years ago , " stir of echoes " opens with a cute six-year-old boy named jake ( zachary david cope ) who is taking a bath . he is speaking directly at the screen , but we immediately have a feeling someone else is there . finally , he asks , " does it hurt to be dead ? " apparently jake sees the ghosts of dead people , but unlike " the sixth sense , " this young child isn't the focus of the picture . instead , tom witzy ( kevin bacon ) , a chicago lineman , is our protagonist . jake is his son , and maggie ( kathryn erbe ) , whom has just discovered she is six weeks pregnant , is his hard-working wife . one night while at a party with their closest friends , tom convinces maggie's new-age sister , lisa ( illena douglas ) , to try and hypnotize him . it unexpectedly works , and before long , tom is seeing things he wouldn't normally see , including a deceased teenage girl ( jenny morrison ) in his house who happens to have been missing for the last six months . seeking help from lisa , she tells him that , while he was under hypnosis , she told him that after he awoke , his mind will remain clear and free , like an opened door . she didn't expect it to work , but it did , and the only way to stop it is for tom to somehow find a way to help this girl he sees . " stir of echoes " isn't a perfect film by any stretch of the imagination , but in the thick , atmospheric mood it conjures up , it is a terrifically eerie domestic horror-drama , and is not only effective on a technical level , but is impressive in its portrayal of a struggling working-class family . kevin bacon and , especially , kathryn erbe ( 1997's " dream with the fishes " ) , are top-notch and exceedingly believable as a loving married couple who nonetheless have their fair share of problems . after tom is hypnotized and starts seeing ghastly visions , he is completely taken over by his desire to solve this mystery of the disappearing girl whom he has seen lurking in his house , and instead of maggie not being understanding , she instead believes what tom says , and aside from being a little worried by what he is going through , does not try to stop his pursuit . bacon and erbe are not traditional hollywood stars like tom cruise and julia roberts , and therefore , are easier to relate to and always plausible as a struggling couple who have to work overtime at their jobs just to make ends meet . in a masterfully-done , entrancing sequence , tom is hypnotized by lisa , but instead of watching him , we instead see what he sees , starting from his view as he closes his eyes into darkness . lisa tells him to visualize being in an empty movie theater , and so , we , as audience members , are watching a movie screen from inside a theater , which is also showing a movie screen in a theater . telling him to move closer and closer to the screen as a fuzzy word in black letters pops up on the screen , we begin to float closer and closer to the front of the theater until we see that the word is " sleep . " never before have i seen a hypnotism scene as mesmerizing and brilliantly-construed as this one . truthfully , this set-piece , and another in which tom wakes up from a nightmarish dream only to quickly discover he is reliving what he has just dreamt , are worth the full price of admission alone , just to see them on the big screen . having loads of fun with her small role as maggie's sister , lisa , illeana douglas ( 1995's " to die for , " her last great character ) is a delight , but rarely used to her full advantage in feature films . funny and enjoyably offbeat , douglas gets to utter the best line in the film : while talking to maggie about tom's visions of the girl , she remarks , " i wouldn't be worried about him seeing another girl , although the fact that she's dead gives one pause . " also of note are jenny morrison ( 1994's " intersection " ) , who is truly poignant in the last half of the film when we flash back to see what really happened to her missing character , and liza weil , remarkable in 1998's " whatever , " as morrison's grieving teenage sister , debbie . if the resolution of " stir of echoes " does not live up to its obviously frightful full potential ( and it doesn't ) , what comes before is both involving and appropriately gritty . the music score , by james newton howard , and unsettling use of whispers and ghostly sound effects , successfully compliment and foreshadow the off-kilter frame-of-mind that tom is put into , and director david koepp proves once again that he is a director with a knack for creating almost unbearably tense situations that revolve around realistically-written characters . " stir of echoes " isn't as good as " the sixth sense , " but why should it need to be ? both films are fully capable of standing on their own two feet , and " stir of echoes " really is a spinetinglingly good horror film . usually when a blockbuster comes out , it's loaded with effects , stars , bad scripts , and plenty of action . mystery men may contain an all-star cast , and efects , but the clever script and characters are what really works , which is rare to see this year . the film is based upon the comic book series " the flaming carrot " by bob burden , in which 3 wanna be super heroes try and fight crime , only to be out done by the real hero of champion city , captain amazing ( greg kinnear ) . things go a little haywire , when the sinister casanova frankenstein ( geoffrey rush ) is released into the city , where he captures captain amazing , and plans to wreak havoc upon champion city . well , the trio decide to take matters in their own hands , by saving the city , but first they need some assitance . this is where the film takes a turn for the better . in the beggining , there were only 3 wanna be heroes . " blue raja ( hank azaria ) , " mr . furious ( ben stiller ) and " the shoveller ( william h . macy ) . sure they were enterataining , but their acts grew old fast . that is until they aquire " invisible boy " ( kel mitchell ) , and " the bowler " ( janeane garafalo ) and " mr . splein " ( paul reubens ) , 2 of which rescue the film from becoming a disastorous mess . thankfully , the original 3 heroes become amusing , with some support of reuben and garfalo on screen . the whole premise is rather ridiculous , but packs a few punches to keep interest . for one , the film is considerably clever . it literally pokes fun at super hero films , like batman and robin , superman etc . in fact , many scenes are similar to batman and robin , including the opening sequence , only altered in a humorous and superior way . a part of the cleverness comes from the cast . sometimes a film with such talent is overblown , but the acting is what keeps it alive here . while azaria and macy were enteratining , 2 characters really stood out . one was paul reuben . no matter how disgusting or revolting " mr . splein " may be , you still can't help but laugh . it' so incredibly moronic , it's just a riot watching reuben relieve himself of bodily functions . janeane garafalo also was an interesting character . she seemed to be the most outgoing and convincing character on screem , due to her enthusiasm , that kept the film flowing . men is worth seeing alone , for those 2 troubled heroes . on the downside , a few of the heroes and especially the villain never really lift off . kel mitchell and geoffrey rush , were both utterly useless . their parts were so limited , they'd be lucky at all to be on screen for more than 20 minutes . ben stiller too was wasted , mostly because of his unlikeable power and dialogue . none of these characters get a rise out of anybody , but happily they are lost in the charming flow of the film . as far as the budget goes , it was wisely spent on the cast , not the effects . while the set designs and action all look nice , i'm glad there was a seperate aspect , that the film focused on , and for that i applaud . slow at times , and rather pointless , mystery men still delivers . it forgets about money making , because it's not likely to make a bundle like it's proceeders , and that's what works . stupid ? maybe , but for once i'm not disappointed . no one expected an intelligent film , but you get a film thats wit captures your attention and makes you forget this miserable year . review- peter jackson's the frighteners has received some notice for setting the record for most computer effects ever in a movie , and still coming in at the extremely cheap $30 million price tag . but for those who were dismayed by this year's blockbusters like twister and independence day , the frighteners has much more to offer than special effects . and for those worried wether or not peter jackson would compromise to hollywood you can rest easily . the frighteners is as far removed from hollywood as a high-profile movie can get . michael j . fox stars as frank bannister , a con artist who can speak to ghosts . he uses this ability to set up a scam in a small town where his ghost buddies scare the hell out of people , then he comes and pretends to get rid of them . this is how he has made a living ever since his wife died in a car crash 5 years ago . frank's latest customers are a young couple , played by trini alvarado and peter dobson . when dobson ends up dead , alvarado starts to take an interest in fox . but dobson's spirit is still around as he refuses to beleive he's dead . this leads to a very awkward and amusing dinner date between fox and alvarado , with dobson tagging along as a ghost . things start getting complicated for fox when he is accused for a series of murders taking place in the town . fox sees someone named the soul collector crushing the heart of the victims , but noone else can see that . so when fox shows up to try and save each victim , naturally people suspect he is the killer . fox sees that alvarado is next on the soul collector's hit list , and the last half hour of the movie deals with fox's attempts to save her from this evil spirit . there are many wonderful twists and turns in the screenplay written by peter jackson and frances walsh . the movie starts off as a black comedy , and ends up a horror-action film . the mix between these genres are perfect . no laughs are sacrificed in the name of horror , and vice versa . one point of contention might be a lackluster score by danny elfman . but that hardly seems like a flaw when you have such a diverse cast all in top form . michael j . fox delivers one of his best performances to date as a man who hides the sorrow of his wife's death , and then is forced to confront this later on . alvarado , looking like andie macdowell , makes a great frightened , tough , and smart heroine . and jeffery combs , as a paranoid fbi agent , is brilliantly bizaare . the frighteners never once feels like it is running long . the first hour is as funny as any comedy this year , and the last half hour is as thrilling as any of the big budget blockbusters . this movie is probably what casper would've looked like if david lynch directed it . it's easily the best film of the year , so far . before you read my review , you gotta know that i love woody allen . this is a very important note because allen's films are generally an acquired taste and definitely not for everyone . i know folks who believe him to be a complete genius , while others see him as a dirty ol' schnook who keeps making the same movie over and over again . i love most of his films , but will admit to having been quite disappointed by his recent crop during the 90s . in fact , why he felt the need to make 10 movies in those 10 years is beyond me ! if you look at the quality of those films , you'll hear what i'm saying . the only two films of his that i really liked during that time were bullets over broadway and husbands and wives . in fact , i secretly hoped that he would take some " time off " at the turn of the millennium , just to re-energize or something , but it doesn't appear as though he has any intention of doing that . so here i am again , reviewing yet another woody allen movie and hoping that it brings back the woody from the days of old . plot : the year is 1940 and woody allen is a top-notch insurance investigator . his methods are very old-fashioned and apparently out of date . a new employee ( hunt ) has just been hired to streamline the operations for greater efficiency . the two do not like each other . one night , they are both put under a hypnotic trance by a magician , and unbeknownst to them , placed under his control . soon thereafter , jewels are stolen , words of love are exchanged and everyone is looking for an answer . critique : a wonderful recreation of the 1940s style movies , with the fast-talking witty banter between co-workers , a catchy jazz score moving things along , film noirish elements such as the veronica lake-type sexpot , one-liners galore and a fluffy , if inconsequential plotline . on the downside , the film actually starts off pretty slowly , with the first hour tossing only a few guffaws out there , but never really generating any kind of steady flow or energy . the sets , on the other hand , were amazing , the production design and costumes were perfect , and the casting ideal , so i kept hoping that the film would pick up and not turn into yet another mediocre outing for the man . but it wasn't not long before i was fully engaged by the characters , entertained by the many zingers delivered back-and-forth between allen and hunt , and actually interested in the resolution of the flick . i also appreciated how allen played the fine line between homage to the films of old , parody and actual reinvention ( note theron's entire female persona that is drenched in film noir- very cool ) . of course , films like this ( with little or no real tension in the plot ) need solid actors to keep you interested in the quick-fire dialogue , and once again , allen does a great job in playing his character , who for once , isn't his typical new york jewish neurotic cheating insecure husband dude . he actually plays a " macho " guy here and handles it pretty well , especially the scenes in which he's hypnotized . but the bigger surprise for me in this film was helen hunt , an actress who i was openly " sick of seeing " in movies late last year ( sorry babe , you were just in too many at the same time ! ) . anyway , she's really great in this film as the headstrong woman looking to a new era of equality amongst men , and doesn't miss a beat of allen's fast-paced dialogue . i didn't care much for her running joke about him " dying " whenever he left a room , but overall she was really good and i especially liked the way that her sweaters clung to her breasts as they did . . . yum , yum ! harumph , but i digress . so let's recap . a great looking picture with a nice jazzy score , some funny one-liners , especially in the second half , a decent plotline , although you shouldn't expect a real mystery or anything , and some solid acting all around . i can't say that this is even remotely close to any of allen's best work , but i certainly believe it to be a step in the right direction , especially after the dinky decade of films that he just went through . it's probably better geared towards allen fans more than anyone else , but i would still recommend this film to anyone looking for a cute , " old-school " kind of vibe , with chemistry between the leads , zippy dialogue and a satisfying conclusion . little known facts about this film and its stars : annie hall ( 10/10 ) - celebrity ( 5/10 ) - everyone says i love you ( 5/10 ) - husbands and wives ( 9/10 ) - mighty aphrodite ( 5/10 ) - small time crooks ( 7/10 ) - when harry met sally ( 10/10 ) - you've got mail ( 4/10 ) susan granger's review of " legally blonde " ( m . g . m . ) it's a " pretty in pink " / " clueless " coming-of-age story for the new millennium as elle woods ( reese witherspoon ) , a perky southern california sorority queen , switches from fashion to law in order to win back her yuppy boyfriend ( matthew davis ) . the girl-power story begins as this sweetheart of delta nu is unceremoniously dumped by a bonehead who says : " if i'm going to be a senator by the time i'm 30 . . . i need to marry a jackie , not a marilyn . " determined to prove she's as smart a snobby brunette ( selma blair ) from country-club connecticut , elle not only applies to harvard law school but gets in , much to the amazement of family , friends and faculty . once there , this flaxen-haired fish-out-of-water not only survives but tenaciously thrives , befriending a local manicurist ( jennifer coolidge ) , dazzling a professor ( victor garber ) and rescuing a defendant ( ali larter ) in a celebrated boston murder trial , plus finding a more worthy beau ( luke wilson ) . in the tradition of teen-comedy film-maker john hughes and his disciple amy heckerling , there's wit , cheerfulness , a fidelity of observation and a penchant for problem-solving . first-time feature director robert luketic is blessed with reese witherspoon who's joyously incandescent in this utterly formulaic light comedy written by karen mccullah lutz and kirsten smith , based on a soon-to-be-published novel by amanda brown . the supporting cast is terrific , particularly raquel welch and holland taylor - and i particularly got a kick out of the gag of elle distributing scented resumes in pink , her signature color on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " legally blonde " is a frivolous , funny , feel-good 8 . filled with ditzy blonde ambition , it's a movie for high-school kids that their parents would be happy to have them see . what do you get when you combine clueless and dumb and dumber ? to answer the question , you get director david mirkin's new comedy romy and michele's high school reunion . romy white ( mira sorvino , mighty aprhodite ) and michele weinberger ( lisa kudrow , tv's friends ) have been inseparable buddies since they graduated from sagebrush high in 1987 . however , when former classmate heather mooney ( janeane garafolo , the truth about cats and dogs ) confronts romy about the 10 year reunion , she is astounded that she forgot . watching pretty woman for the um-teenth time , they are reminded of how they wouldn't let julia roberts' character shop in the expensive stores because of her appearance . then it hits them : they are not successful . what are she and michele going to do ? romy's instant solution is lose some weight off their already slender frames , " bag a couple of boyfriends , " and get jobs . romy says this will be easy , but michele retorts that if it is so easy , why hadn't they already done it . robin schiff's script keeps the show moving with some nice one-liners . one of the best has romy reminiscing about her life's battle against the bathroom scales . " i was so lucky getting mono , " she says looking at her thinnest high school picture . " that was like the best diet ever . " the casting for the film is so perfect that one begins to suspect that the leads were chosen and then the script was developed . romy and michele use their high school yearbook to discuss the caste system at their high school . the film's editor david finfer dissolves the stills from the yearbook to live action flashbacks which makes the past come to life . at sagebrush high , the hierarchy consisted of the a group ( cheerleaders ) , the b group ( drama club ) and the c group ( nerds ) . romy and michele were none of the above . ridiculed as " the weirdoes , " they were constant targets for abuse . even though they were quite attractive , they had so much fun being together that they did not care about the others . that they make their own outlandish clothes helped keep the wall around them . complementing romy and michele's lightness , is janeane garofalo as the dark , pudgy heather mooney . heather , who invented a new cigarette paper for cigarettes with " twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go , " has the success and the money that they would like . heather was even more of an outsider than they were in high school . garofalo's one-dimensional role is only a side show . this is a two person film with the other characters there merely for the two leads to bounce their lines off of . the genuine chemistry between sorvino and kudrow makes for a sweet and sometimes touching comedy . they have so much fun acting out their parts , their enjoyment spreads to the audience . , martin scorsese's triumphant adaptation of edith wharton's the age of innocence is a stunning film for the quintessential new york filmmaker , the man who brought the streets of taxi driver and mean streets to life . it seems like an odd choice for scorsese to do a period piece in the early 1900's , but the fact that he pulls it off so brilliantly is a wonder , and a testament to the greatness of scorsese as a filmmaker . this is a gorgeous visual experience that it surely one of scorsese's finest . newland archer ( day-lewis ) is a prestigious lawyer who is engaged to may welland ( ryder ) , a somewhat empty and shallow new yorker , who belongs to a prestigious family and is quite beautiful . the marriage is one which will unite two very prestigious families , in a society where nothing is more important than the opinions of others . on the day that archer is to announce his engagement to may , countess ellen olenska ( pfeiffer ) , cousin of may , walks into archer's life . archer is immediately captivated , and finds himself in love with ellen . archer is also bound by the limits of new york society , which is an intrusive as any other in the world . archer finds himself having a secret love affair in his mind with countess olenska , attempting to keep her in his mind while trying not to lose his social status . the film's subject matter may seem alien to scorsese , but the theme is definitely not . it is a theme of forbidden romance , guilty pleasures , and the consequences causes because of those actions . there is a painstakingly flawed hero , and his choice between the life he wants , and the life he is destined for . in truth , it is a film about a society the audience doesn't know about , but wants to find out more , much like the society of goodfellas or even kundun . the performances are absolutely breathtaking . day-lewis portrays more mental anguish in his face than one man should be forced to take . pfeiffer is marvelous as countess olenska , a mix of passion and beauty that the audience would die for as well . ryder is probably the gem of the group , for it is her quiet presence that overwhelms the plot , and slowly pushes day-lewis closer and closer to his eventual ending . the supporting cast is also wonderful , with several characters so singular that they are indelible in one's memory . scorsese definitely has a passion for filmmaking . his lavish and sumptuous set design and marvelous recreation of new york is a wondrous sight . he literally transports the viewer to another world with incredible imagery . his script is also excellent , slow in buildup , with a rapid conclusion and a fantastic ending that has to be seen to be believed . it is difficult to make a period piece gripping : scorsese , however , does it beautifully . the famous cameras of the legendary director are also everywhere . he is patient , but he films everything and anything remotely important . the cameras sweep , pan , track , and do more than they've ever done , but they are so subtle , one doesn't realize he's watching all the scorsese hallmarks until a 2nd viewing . the central tracking shot is probably longer and more complex than the famous goodfellas shot , but the viewer doesn't notice it , because we want to see more of this gorgeous world . there are a few deft touches of filmmaking that are simply outstanding , and joanne woodward' narration is exquisite . not a fast film like goodfellas , this shares more in common with kundun than anything else . and like kundun , this is a slow-starting film that truly shines , when given the chance to fully breathe and bloom in the end . a beautiful film by a director continuing to challenge himself year after year . plot : a dude and his brother are driving cross-country and decide to fool around with a trucker on their cb radio . it isn't long before their little prank gets someone put into a coma ( long story ) and the next thing you know , the trucker is following them too . lotsa nuttiness ensues and then , they pick up their other friend , venna , a girl who the dude has a crush on . but what's this . . . ? the trucker is still on their tail and is now harassing all three of the young whippersnappers . . . ? you bet ! buckle up , dorothy . . . this is gonna be one bumpy ride ! critique : a good ol' time at the movies ! here's a film that actually gives away most of its plotline in its trailer and doesn't really bring anything " new " to the forefront ( if you've seen flicks like duel and breakdown , you've crossed this path before ) , but still manages to entertain you gangbusters , with realistic situations , believable characters , funny moments , thrills , chills , the whole shebang . let's give it up for director john dahl , who continues to put out solid films every other year ( if you haven't seen red rock west , do yourself a favor right now , and jot it down on a piece of paper and rent it at your earliest convenience ) . and much like that film , this one has an excellent premise and sets everything up at an even pace . it gives you a little bit of background on each of the main three characters , and then shows you how one small prank , can lead to a whole lotta trouble for everyone ! paul walker really surprised me in this movie , since i've never much thought of him as anything more than a pretty face ( and damn , is it ever pretty or what ? ! ) but here , he actually manages to put some depth behind the looks and that's always appreciated in films in which you are so closely tied to the main characters . sobieski is also good , but she isn't in the movie for as long as you'd think , but the man who really takes this film to another level , is steve zahn . if you've loved this guy as the " goofball " in most of his previous roles , you'll appreciate him even more here , as the dude who starts off as one of the most manic and excited human beings i've seen in quite some time ( " this is so awesome ! ! " ) , only to turn into a man scared out of his wits by the end of the flick . and speaking of the ending , boy , does this movie deliver some chilling moments during its final 15 clicks or what ? ! ? the arrow and i were practically in each others arms ( well , maybe i'm exaggerating , but you catch my drift ) as each minute brought about another turn of events which in turn , took it all to an even higher level . once again , kudos to director dahl for being able to generate that type of intensity , suspense and tension , with a great score , editing , style and camerawork . plot-wise , i too did wonder how the " bad guy " was able to track them so well , but it didn't really bother me all that much ( you can assume that he had bugged their car ? ) . but pretty much everything else in the story stuck like glue and i couldn't help but put myself in their shoes and appreciate their thoroughly desperate circumstance . a great movie with an even cooler ending , this film will likely be remembered as one of the better thrillers of the year . " this is amazing ! ! ! " where's joblo coming from ? american psycho ( 10/10 ) - deep blue sea ( 8/10 ) - eye of the beholder ( 4/10 ) - the fast and the furious ( 7/10 ) - final destination ( 8/10 ) - the glass house ( 6/10 ) - no way out ( 8/10 ) wyatt earp has a lot to tell and little to say . this story of the legendary lawman runs three hours and nine minutes and that's too long for this epic-wannabe that plays more like a tv mini-series than a movie . the story opens on the earp family farm , with young wyatt ready to run away from home . he wants to fight in the civil war , but his dad ( hackman ) has different ideas and wants his son to study law . time passes and wyatt heads west , returns home to marry , and , after a spell , begins his career in law enforcement . by the time he ( costner ) and his brothers ( madsen , david andrews , and linden ashby ) arrive in tombstone , wyatt has tried his hand at everything from hunting buffalo to dealing cards . wyatt earp is very appealing in places-- such as cast , costumes , and cinematography-- but an overstated story and overpowered score deaden most of the emotional impact . who can be moved by scene after scene after scene of swelling strings and suffocating speeches ? somber is fine-- just ask clint eastwood-- but this film that boasts not one , not two , but three , count 'em three , hammy death scenes ! still , a little bit of earp goes a long way and the life and times of the legendary lawman are from uninteresting stuff . his , uh , unusual relations with women , for example , are an intriguing contrast to his character's credo of " nothing counts as much as blood . " equally amusing is a buffalo-hunting ( and skinning ! ) sequence that is decidedly non-pc . director lawrence kasdan takes a refreshingly realistic approach to the gunplay . the infamous gunfight at the ok corral is both brutal and brief , devoid of almost any theatrics . don't look for much glorified violence here . despite some large exclamation points in the story , the characters * do * come to life . the diverse cast includes everyone from betty buckley ( ! ) to mackenzie astin ( ! ! ) . kevin costner is very good in the title role . dances with whitney nevers get as steely as the role requires , though , but his transformation from lighthearted law student to stoic sheriff is fun to watch . he was tougher in a perfect world . his foil is dennis quaid , who pulled a deniro by losing 40+ pounds to play the tubercular terror doc holliday . gaunt * and * gamely , he's a scene stealer who's seen too little . other familiar faces include tom sizemore ( looking like bruce mcgill ) , bill pullman ( looking like jeff daniels ) , and lea thompson ( looking like someone other than lea thompson ) . both gene hackman and isabella rosselini appear and disappear like magic , while late entries catherine o'hara and jobeth williams are surprisingly solid . though the story and score should've tried " less is more , " all other credits are technical tops . production designer ida random , art director gary wissner , and costume designer colleen atwood are some of the vips who helped spend what must've been an enormous budget . clearly no expense was spared . when i first heard that kevin costner was making a movie called " the postman , " i thought , " an american version of 'il postino ? ' starring costner ? god help us ! " when i found out that it was not a remake of " postino " but an postapocalyptic epic , i thought , " 'landworld ? ' please , god , make him stop ! " as it turns out , " the postman " is a much better film than i had expected . despite being set in 2013 , the movie is , at heart , a western : a band of thugs terrorizes peaceful villagers ; a wandering hero opposes the bandits and inspires others to fight back . the setting , however , allows that familiar plot to take on greater significance : american society has collapsed due to plagues and wars , and survivors live behind barracades in isolated villages . the struggle of a dead society to be reborn has a grand quality and deserves the epic scale costner grants it . costner's nameless character , a wandering actor , rides in from the vast wasteland and is soon shanghaied into the service of general bethlehem ( will patton ) , a former copy-machine salesman turned bandit king . our hero escapes and discovers the body of a dead postman . taking the uniform and bag of mail , he passes himself off as a representative of " the restored united states . " he is shocked at the hope that he inspires in the people he meets . one young disciple , ford lincoln mercury ( larenz tate ) , organizes a full-scale postal service . ford spreads the postman's message of hope until bethlehem finds that the once-meek villagers are beginning to resist his rule . as war breaks out between bethlehem's army and the postal workers , costner's character steps into the legend he created and goes from self-centered loner to leader of the revolution . his lie of the restored united states becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy . " postman " is an odd blend of a bleak setting and a message of wide-eyed optimism ( sort of " sergio leone meets frank capra " ) , but its treatment of hope and renewal is compelling . what could have been another knock-off of " the road warrior " ( like " waterworld " was ) surprises the viewer with a sensitively told story of nobility emerging from rubble . tate is the stand-out in the movie's large cast . ford lincoln mercury ( self-named ) is the polar opposite of o-dog , tate's character in his debut film , " menace ii society " ( 1993 ) , and tate makes ford's innocent belief in hope as convincing as o-dog's cynicism and brutality . his performance sells the movie . interestingly , as tate moves from his usual street-smart roles to youthful optimism , the soft-eyed patton , who usually plays nice guys , proves a disarming villain . olivia williams makes her film debut as the postman's love interest , abby . when they first meet , abby asks him to father her child because her husband is sterile . predictably , the husband is soon eliminated by the bandits , and abby is thrown back into the company of the hero . however , their relationship develops slowly as the emotional conflicts of both characters are explored ( she , torn by grief , guilt , and anger ; he , resisting his destiny ) . " the postman " is costner's best work thus far . perhaps that alone gives us hope for the future . . . in zoolander , the world's most successful , influential and intellectually-challenged male model derek zoolander wonders , " is there more to life than being really really really good looking ? " obviously , the film's creator and star ben stiller asked a similar question when crafting a feature-length movie out of his hilarious vh1/vogue fashion awards short-film subject : can there be more to this film than being really really really silly ? no , of course not , and it never aspires to be anything more . much like derek , zoolander is a sweet simpleton of a movie . it's not complex in either its social commentary or its comedy , and it never produces any gut-busting laughs ( except maybe a scene when derek's model roommates all die in a tragic " gasoline fight " accident -- a riotously funny take-off of tommy hilfiger ads ) . but it has a satisfying handful of strong chuckles , wild characters and performances , and mildly harsh potshots at the fashion industry to keep you amused . better yet , this exaggerated version of the original three-minute skit is only blown out to an efficient 95 minutes -- just enough time to string together its goofball plot without exhausting the gag . zoolander opens with several fashion bigwigs plotting to assassinate the prime minister of malaysia , since he wants to abolish child labor in his country and thus driving up their costs . fashion designer and criminal mastermind jacobim mugatu ( will ferrell ) drafts a plan to brainwash the dumbest fashion model to carry out the evil deed . enter derek , whose career is slumping as newcomer hansel ( owen wilson ) takes the spotlight . on the trail of mugatu's plot is time magazine reporter matilda jeffries ( stiller's real-life wife christine taylor ) , and she's hoping to use mugatu's pawn derek to ultimately foil the scheme . much like the austin powers films , zoolander relies heavily on the strength of the talent involved , and this zany comedy features some of the funniest people in entertainment today . wilson is hysterical as the young , vain hansel . ferrell nearly steals the show from everyone as the flamboyant , freakish mugatu in the same way dr . evil upstages everyone in austin powers . jerry stiller -- ben's dad who's best remembered as frank costanza of seinfeld -- makes a priceless turn as derek's slimy agent maury ballstein . even ben stiller show alum andy dick shows up as a deranged , large-assed masseuse . as for ben stiller , it seems his derek has one gag : he's stupid , which plays out in some uproarious one-liners . unfortunately , taylor seems out of place and out of her league here . maybe it's just because i can't stop seeing her as marcia brady ( who she played in both brady movies ) , making her unbelievable as a dowdy , brainy plain jane who hasn't had sex in two years . she leaves me pining for the cynicism of janeane garofolo , who would've added real comic substance to the flimsy role . while zoolander is hardly highbrow , its screwball humor is welcome during these trying times , especially considering the gross lack of decent pickings in the theaters these days . zoolander's no masterpiece , but a very worthy distraction . originally titled 'don't lose your head' , this parody of the scarlet pimpernel story was the first carry on to be produced by rank film productions . two english fops , the 'powdered , be-wigged , be-ribboned' sir rodney ffing ( sidney james ) and his counterpart lord darcy pew ( jim dale ) decide to travel to revolutionary france in an attempt to rescue their fellow french royalists and aristocrats from losing their heads by the guillotine . due to a series of machinations and disguises , they are largely successful . ffing becomes known as 'the black fingernail' because he leaves a calling card behind which shows two fingers sticking up , one with a black fingernail . after the fingernail rescues a prominent royalist the duc de pommfrit ( charles hawtrey ) , citizen robespierre ( peter gilmore ) orders the head of the secret police citizen 'the big cheese' camembert ( kenneth williams ) and citizen bidet ( peter butterworth ) to follow the fingernail to england and do away with him . ( in fact , darcy and ffing are their coachmen ! ) once at calais , the fingernail meets jacqueline ( dany robin ) and they fall in love instantly . he tells her his identity and gives her his locket . when camembert realises that the fingernail is nearby , he searches the inn at calais and captures jacqueline , thinking that she is wearing a diguise and is really the fingernail ! jacqueline is imprisoned in the bastille and camembert , his love desiree dubarry ( joan sims ) , and bidet all travel to london in pursuit of the fingernail . they pretend to be of noble stock , calling themselves the duc and duchesse de la plume de ma tante ( with bidet their assistant ) and are invited by darcy to a ball held by ffing . desiree finds out that ffing is the fingernail by wearing the locket around her neck , but she ends up falling in love with him . ffing attempts to stall camembert so that he can return to the bastille to rescue jacqueline , camembert has her moved to the 'chateau neuve' , and a climactic sword-fight decides who will lose their heads at the end of the film ! a more complex story than most carry ons , this film enjoys good production values ( sets , costumes ) and an on-form cast . sid james is excellent as the english fop and black fingernail , kenneth williams excels as the evil camembert , and peter butterworth expertly plays the substantial part of camembert's thick-witted crony . other acting honours go to joan sims who is perfect as desiree and charles hawtrey who is excellent as the french aristo pommfrit . although it suffers from a disasterously over-long sword fight at the end of the film , it is largely successful due to the performances of the main stars , its slick and professional production , and its better-than-usual script . definitely one of the best of the series and a joy to watch . if there is one thing that bothers me about hollywood films it's their predictable endings . the devil's advocate has the atypical hollywood ending , when everything that should happen does . unfortunately for the devil's advocate , this ending nearly collapses in on itself , and ruins the entire film . nevertheless , the film does provide two and a half hours of pure entertainment ( note to self : kill whomever was in charge of the previews for this film ) . i don't think i was quite prepared for this movie because the trailers made it appear to be some supernatural horror film about satan . well , it does contain this element , but what is not mentioned in the ads is the other plot elements ( and seemingly more interesting ones at that ) . the devil's advocate begins in florida with an ongoing trial in session . kevin lomax ( keanu reeves ) is the defense attorney , working for a client whom has been accused of raping a young girl . he ends up with a not-guilty verdict , despite an emotional testimony from the victim ( heather matarazzo ) . he leaves the courthouse with his lovely wife mary ann ( charlize theron ) where he is approached with an offer to travel to new york city to help choose a good jury . he accepts ( mainly after seeing the paycheck he will receive ) and he flies to new york with his wife . after proving his worth for selecting juries ( and his perfect winning streak in court ) , the head of the firm , john milton ( al pacino ) , asks him to work permanently as a criminal lawyer . he graciously accepts , where he is treated almost as a god . he is given an incredible apartment ( which is bigger than my entire house now ) , and a hefty paycheck . his life seems to be on the rise . and of course , his life suddenly begins to waver and slowly decline . he is attracted to fellow employee christabella ( connie nielson ) , and his wife begins to feel very lonely in her large apartment . mary ann takes up a friendship with a neighbor who always gives advice , especially if it is not wanted . meanwhile , kevin nabs a case surrounding alexander cullen ( craig t . nelson ) who apparently murdered three people . he spends hours upon hours with this case , while forgetting his loving wife , who may or may not be going insane . all of this while john milton may or may not be the devil himself . after a while , things turn completely upside-down , as kevin's wife claims to have seen monstrous images superimposed on her friends . a fellow employee is murdered in the park , and his mother ( judith ivey ) reveals information about kevin's real father . is it all just a big nightmare ? or is john milton really satan , playing tricks with kevin's life ? the devil's advocate plays out fairly straight-forward , but for some odd reason , the screenwriters wanted to surprise everyone by giving us something we don't expect . is this surprise conclusion supposed to make us feel good and go home without feeling depressed or disturbed ? if so , the devil's advocate messes up completely , and ironically , i felt more depressed because of the ending as is now , than i would have if it had ended ten minutes early . i went into the devil's advocate expecting a shocking horror film , and that is exactly what i got . i was settled in to be disturbed mentally and emotionally , and that is what i got . but what was the most disturbing and horrible aspect of the movie is the poor ending ( did i mention that i didn't like the ending ? ) . the producers of this film take you on a thrilling roller coaster ride and just as it is ending , they pull the rug out from under you . films like se7en and the usual suspects can survive with this surprise ending because it is expected , more or less . we know it is going to end in an unpredictable way . the devil's advocate , on the other hand , ends unpredictably , not from us knowing a lot , but knowing nothing at all . if that is confusing , i recommend watching the film , and then reading that again . as for the film overall , i enjoyed the entire first two hours , being drawn in by a terrific character study and then adding the supernatural plot to increase the tension build from the character study . the film runs like a well-built clock , slowly building until finally exploding with a highly charged climax ( and an unpredictable one at that ) . and then you settle in for a nice resolution , which does not occur . it was at this point that i felt cheated . taking us on a terror ride of intrigue , we follow kevin lomax around , as he is the centerpiece of the film . everything occurs from his perspective . he is our representation on screen ( sort of ) . but we are forced to witness a conclusion which makes most of the film seem like a game . i don't want to spoil the ending , so all i can say is go see the film and decide for yourself . perhaps the most shocking thing about the devil's advocate is the extreme amount of everything . it earned its r rating for a reason . there is plenty of nudity , sex , violence , gore , and then you have gore , violence , sex , and more nudity . this film really isn't subtle about anything , showing us everything . it actually surprises me that this film did not receive an nc-17 rating , as it is quite harsh . however , the movie does have its merits , and nudity and sex are among those . i don't condone sex and nudity in films , but if its there , i might as well enjoy it . the biggest merit of this film is also the most interesting to watch . the confrontations between kevin lomax and john milton are entertaining , but what stands out amidst this extreme hatred is the decline of the wife , mary ann . portrayed by the extremely effective charlize theron , mary ann's problems are incredibly intense , and i found myself wanting to witness her decline . this may sound uncaring , but i wanted to watch because i felt sorry for her . she is the most interesting character on the screen , who is forced into a world where she is not wanted . something the devil's advocate contained actually shocked me for reasons other than extreme violence and nudity , especially for a film of this nature . the story actually has something to say about humanity . in one of the last scenes , john milton explains to kevin lomax the game god plays with his children ( he is satan , of course ) . he comments that it is human nature to lust and loathe in vanity . then , god sets up rules which contradict human nature . this semi-religious bashing is more humorous than frightening . what milton says is so true about our society that i found myself laughing out loud , partially thinking it was funny , but patially realizing it was true . these moral dilemmas are present throughout the devil's advocate , giving it an added depth many films skip over in their writing ( but i'm sure they came straight from the novel it was based on ) . when a film has something to say about our society , it deserves to be watched . the cast of the devil's advocate is one of the highlights , as we see memorable faces , and they put spins on those memorable faces we don't expect . heather matarazzo makes a brief appearance as the terrorized victim in the opening court case , and she does a great job . probably the big surprise of this film is keanu reeves . he has proven himself an uneven actor ( successes such as speed and bombs such as johnny mnemonic ) , but he tops himself with this performance . i have never seen him more believable to date . al pacino is of course the scene stealer . his devilish performance is equal to those of jack nicholson ( the witches of eastwick ) and max von sydow ( needful things ) . he could have easily gone too far over the top in many scenes , but he remains completely believable ( if that is the correct term ) . jeffrey jones ( mostly known as the principal in ferris bueller's day off ) also gives a good performance as eddie barzoon . judith ivey manages a credible performance as the mother who holds a secret to kevin's past . connie nielson is very effective in her role , and she also appears naked several times . one familiar face with a twist was " coach " star , craig t . nelson , who gives a very good performance . the devil's advocate is rated r for sexuality , nudity , violence , language , and some gore . at 144 minutes , this film moves along fairly quickly . for the first two hours , i sat completely engaged in the good performances and strong characters . the technical quality is also remarkable , with great special effects and a good musical score . director taylor hackford has managed to create a very disturbing motion picture , only to ruin a good chunk of tension with the final fifteen minutes . i guess my biggest problem with the ending is the fact that i went into the theater expecting a disturbing film , and hackford gave me just that for a long time . but just before the end , he got jitterish and relied on the hollywood safety net in order to make his film more mainstream . personally , i would have preferred it ending fifteen minutes early . ingredients : down-on-his-luck evangelist , church synopsis : sonny dewey ( robert duvall ) is a tireless texas pentecostal preacher who unexpectedly catches his wife ( farrah fawcett ) in bed with another guy . in a regrettable crime of passion he takes a baseball bat to the guy's head , and suddenly finds himself a fugitive for murder , and estranged from his wife and two kids . to atone for his sins , sonny flees to a rural bayou town in louisiana and baptizes himself as a new creature - - the apostle e . f . as the apostle e . f . sonny's main mission is to revive an abandoned church community and preach the gospel at the local radio station . soon he sets about resurrecting the one way road to heaven holiness temple . but sonny knows his time is short ; one day the police will find him . opinion : this movie is a thought-provoking look at an evangelist in real life terms . i believe that robert duvall ( who is the producer , director , writer , and main star of the apostle ) deserves an oscar for his performance as sonny the religious crusader - - a performance which is so complex and realistic it ranks as one of the finest acting performances on film . duvall's portrayal of a true believer is authentic , superb , and inspired ; it offers the audience a completely honest look at southern religion , as well as a portrait of a fallible , complicated man driven by his beliefs . incidentally , in real life duvall was just as 'driven' in getting the project underway . since no major hollywood studio wanted to risk financing a complex movie about an evangelist , the apostle as a project lay dormant for almost 13 years before duvall was able to get it done , paying for its production with his own money ( about five million dollars ) . in terms of hard-hitting realism and character portrayal the apostle would rank as one of the best movies of this decade , and i emphatically recommend the apostle for connoisseurs of stage and fine acting on film . similarly , those with a steep background in pentecostal christianity would find the apostle a thought-provoking experience . on the other hand , the apostle's main strength - - duvall's preaching - - is also what limits the apostle's target audience . in terms of plot and pure entertainment value , the apostle is definitely not for everyone . teenagers , action fans , comedy fans , and people who find church completely boring should stay far away from this movie , since three quarters of the film is watching sonny preach at church . in other words , the apostle is a four star performance , but with a very limited audience . the most amazing thing about paul cox's innocence is how unlike a movie it is . i mean that as the highest compliment . if most studios were to profile an elderly couple who rekindle a 40-year-old romance , i'd want to run and hide . the sex scenes would be handled as a farce , producers would shed 20 years off the characters' ages ( so susan sarandon and harrison ford could star ) and true love would shine through any obstacle without explanation and consequence . along with a charming romantic story , the australian/belgian innocence shows how an increasing sense of mortality combined with revisiting the past while being entrenched in the present can make something that seems so right seem downright questionable . the romance gets started when former musician andreas ( charles " bud " tingwell ) , learns that his true love , claire ( julia blake ) , lives nearby . they decide to catch up on old times , but soon find themselves in a reinvigorating affair . complicating matters is andreas' frail health , and claire's longtime husband ( terry norris ) , who can't understand why he's suddenly become obsolete . in my mind , the movie is less about the relationship between andreas and claire , than the feelings of everyone involved . john , claire's husband , endlessly questions what he did wrong . claire initially insists she's a grown-up , but admittedly behaves like a child , a prospect that thrills and disappoints her . andreas , an agnostic , begins to question his fate , a message cox delivers in a memorable dream sequence . cox litters the movie with flashbacks , including the repeated vision of a roaring train . it's a reminder of andreas and claire's past love ( as young lovers , they met by train ) , but as it recurs , we get the feeling that the past and the present have clashed . a pall is cast on the whole affair . a master of the understated , cox strings together a series of memorable moments . in andreas' dream sequence , amidst the roar of the train and conversations , we get the whole picture of andreas and claire's love . we also get glimpses into john and claire's relationship . during a silent candlelit dinner shortly afterward , claire admits to john about her indiscretion , telling more than any monologue could . all that's heard is the scraping of forks against plates . the characters are unlike anything i've seen -- they're people . so many times , movies and especially television portray senior citizens as gratingly spunky . or they're reduced to comedic buffoons . ordinary people with a pile of emotions , claire and andreas aren't sure what the next step is . they do want to be happy , which consists of an entirely different set of conditions than what they've known throughout their adult lives . bravo to cox , who wrote the script , for not making john a monster , so that claire's affair is automatically justified . norris is so effective as john that he makes andreas and claire's love difficult to accept . we feel for him . he's a decent man . sure , he may have become complacent , but he never expected this , especially now . with so much presented to the audience , it's only expected that the material gets a little drawn out and repetitive , which it does . however , in bringing up tough questions and not offering easy answers , cox displays a skill and ? lan isn't likely to be surpassed by anyone anytime soon . contact is a film that tries to do several different things . it is intended to present a realistic picture of what alien contact might be like , to restore a sense of wonder and mystery to the issue of extraterrestrial life , to raise questions about science and faith and how they would be relevant in such a situation , and to tell a personal story of a romance between the astronomer dr . ellie arroway ( jodie foster ) and the religious spokesman palmer joss ( matthew mcconaughey ) . the film succeeds wonderfully at its first two goals . the portrayal of the communication from an alien world is much more reasonable ( albeit less immediately engaging ) than , say , the cold-blooded destructiveness of the invaders in independence day or even the complex process of abductions and genetic hybridization that forms the ongoing plot line of tv's the x-files . the aliens in contact seem to be like us-they are more curious than anything else . they know we exist , they want us to know that they exist , and they would like to make the next step and communicate in person . the film wisely refrains from showing us the aliens directly , and between the characters' ongoing speculation about the extraterrestrials and the outstanding visuals in the climactic yet enigmatic scene when arroway arrives on the alien world , that sense of wonder and mystery comes through with a force rarely seen since stanley kubrick's 2001 : a space odyssey . most of the film , however , takes place on earth , where there is an extended public debate on how to respond to these aliens . scientists are enthusiastic , ultraconservative religious leaders are wary , and government officials are caught somewhere in between . the debate is fueled largely by dr . arroway's atheism ; she seems the obvious choice to pilot the spacecraft for which the aliens have provided blueprints , but many are wary of sending an atheist as humankind's representative to another species . the film is partly successful in raising and exploring these questions , especially when it reaches a conclusion that suggests that the two approaches - science and faith - could be viewed as complementary rather than diametrically opposed . still , the film falls a little short in its representation of this conflict as it exists in american society . the two " sides " are represented primarily by arroway and by far-right fundamentalists , but in reality probably 80% of americans are neither atheists nor far-right fundamentalists . palmer joss occupies something of a middle ground , but he ultimately becomes distracted by personal motives and comes across as a less-than-ideal spokesman for any ideology . then again , the film does concentrate mostly on public debate , which does , after all , tend to be dominated by extremists , rather than on dinner-table or college-dormitory discussions . contact is accurate in its portrayal of these issues , then , but only within the narrow scope to which it confines itself . the film's one clear failure is in the portrayal of the romance between arroway and joss . for one thing , it resorts to the tired movie clich * that two attractive people will immediately fall in love as soon as they appear on the screen together , as there does not seem to be any other reason for their instant mutual attraction . the romance rarely , if ever , sheds any light on the characters , although it occasionally tries and fails - joss's explanation that he quit the priesthood because of the celibacy requirement ( " i guess you could say i'm a man of the cloth , but without the cloth " ) , for example , is more like a punchline to a joke than character development . instead , the romance mostly seems to exist for the sake of later plot developments . granted , this is a plot- and idea-driven film and the characters are secondary , but this just seemed like laziness on the writers' part more than anything else . the successes of contact , however , far outweigh its failures . even if the social commentary had fizzled altogether ( which it didn't ) , the simple yet mysterious story of alien communication still would have made it a memorable film . contact doesn't quite cover all the bases , but it covers about as much as one could hope for in a two-hour film , and its rejection of big-budget theatrics for a more realistic story is certainly admirable . and i would not be surprised if , ten years from now , contact is mentioned in the same breath as 2001 and blade runner as one of the finest examples of sophisticated and intellectually relevant science fiction . billy bob thornton , who had a sudden rise to fame with 1996's sling blade after spending years as a virtually unknown actor and writer , is becoming one of the most versatile - and most accomplished - american actors around at the moment . as jacob , the simple but at times very bright loser brother of bill paxton's hank , thornton gives a performance which should leave an indelible mark on all but the most hardened viewers . three men , hank ( paxton ) , jacob ( thornton ) and their friend lou ( brent briscoe ) stumble upon a plane wreck which , upon closer inspection , yields a rotting corpse and a bag full of money . jacob and lou want to pocket the cash . hank , the smarter - and perhaps more naive - of the three , insists on leaving the money for the authorities to find . eventually , they agree to keep the cash safe until the plane is found , and then split the money three ways . things start going wrong , though , with greed and violence weaving their ways through their plan . disaster is sure to strike . director sam raimi , of the evil dead and darkman fame , has made an excellent and thought-provoking film , worlds away from the comic horror films which made his name . while there are a couple of moments which might remind one of his earlier work , raimi has made an intelligent and mature departure which will hopefully be a sign of even greater films to come . scott b . smith's screenplay , based on his novel ( which i haven't read ) is a fine example of escalating tension . while it does remind one of danny boyle's shallow grave without the abundance of black humour , it keeps the drama that should really be a part of such a story on morality , or the lack thereof , found in a film with this subject matter . alar kivilo's cinematography reminds one of joel and ethan coen's fargo , with the bleak , snowy landscape almost becoming another character . danny elfman also does well with his moody , finely-written score . if there's a flaw in the film , it's that it goes on for just a little too long . just when we think that they are about to wrap things up , raimi and smith decide to let the film go on a little further . while this isn't really a bad thing , it did become a little frustrating at times ( this may have been due to the fact that i had consumed a large sprite beforehand ) . the performances are excellent , with the usually annoying paxton in fine form and bridget fonda giving a scene-stealing turn as hank's scheming wife . this is an excellent showcase for thornton's fine skills as an actor and a great change in direction for raimi , who could very well have a career ahead of him as an accomplished director of dramatic films . fingers crossed , though , that this doesn't stop him from making another evil dead sequel . tibet has entered the american consciousness slowly during the past few years and burst into the forefront recently . the dalai lama has made speaking tours , tibetan designs and artifacts are showing up in shops , the plight of the people has captured the imagination of major actors and artists and now there are two big budget films within as many months . " kundun " ( " presence " , a name the monks call the young dalai lama ) opens in 1937 with the search for the 14th incarnation of the tibetan leader . a group of monks enters a village and a two-year-old child catches their attention . the young boy proves himself by identifying possessions of the previous holy man as " mine " . he and his family are then moved to a monastery in lhassa where he is to be prepared to take his position as the religious and political leader of the country . he is forced into difficult decisions when china invades the country in 1950 . the peaceful and isolated country is ill-equipped to fight off the intruders and diplomatic attempts over the next years yield no results . eventually he must make the painful choice to flee to neighboring india . comparisons to " seven years in tibet " are inevitable . both films cover much of the same ground although the earlier movie does so from a westerner's point of view and features boxoffice draw brad pitt . " kundun " features only native actors and is more of an insider's story . in some ways , this makes this film a superior concept , but it lacks the movement and spark that made " seven years " such an audience-pleaser . the actors contribute to the realistic feel of the movie ( filmed in morocco for obvious reasons ) . the only disappointment is chairman mao who looks like a wax dummy and moves as if he were a computer-generated character . on an intellectual level , it is interesting to see how two different approaches handle the same facts . some events are depicted differently and pitt's austrian mountain-climber who was portrayed as a pivotal influence in the dalai lama's life isn't even mentioned here . glossed over in " seven years " , the problems with the tibetan political system is hinted at here as the dalai lama muses " we were just about to change things " after the chinese attack . the film is magnificently beautiful thanks primarily to the cinematography of roger deakins . his lingering camera shows the exotic tibetan culture with luscious detail . especially striking is an extreme moving close up of a sand mandala grain by grain . the visual treats more than make up for the movie's faults creating a poetic meditation for the audience . walking out of the theater you feel like you have awakened from a transcendental experience . martin scorsese , known for his dark tales of the underworld ( " goodfellas " , " taxi driver " , " casino " ) has shifted gears . something of a thematic follow-up to his " the last temptation of christ " , this is his slowest film yet . oddly enough for a director with a history of graphic violence presenting a history filled with atrocities by the chinese , most of these events take place off-screen . his decision to not over-explain rituals is commendable . the stumbling oracle who spits out his prophecies while in a trance state is much more effective as a mystery than if we were spoon-fed interpretations . philip glass's score is impressive although at times it is too overwhelming and distracting . i talked to a tibetan i met outside the theater who had just seen the film and was walking back in to see it again . hearing his description of how he escaped from tibet at the age of seven and how his father was one of the soldiers accompanying the dalai lama during his trip to india , i was struck by what was missing in the movie . as grand as it looks and as historically accurate as it is , there is a distance between the audience and the movie . the film is more concerned with visuals and history and less so with human beings . with the exception of a few scenes , involvement with the characters is slight . one of those exceptions is the portrayal of the young dalai lama , shown as a mischievous boy who can't resist being a kid sometimes . an encounter with his older brother thubten j . norbu ( a retired indiana university professor ) who tells the young leader the chinese have ordered him to persuade him to accept communist rule or kill him is an outstanding moment , but there aren't many of these . even with its problems , the " kundun " experience is phenomenal , but one that i fear most will miss . many people who saw " seven years in tibet " will have a " been there , done that " attitude . it's likely that the film will miss a wide-spread appeal and public response will be the sound of one hand clapping . i swear i have seen the edge before . in fact , it reminded me of the bear , the river wild , and other various films mixed into an entirely different film . however , the edge has done something that most action films should do , and that is add heart and characters we like to the plot . in doing so , the edge draws many more suspenseful moments out of cliched scenes than , say , the peacemaker . unfortunately , because of those overused moments , we can pretty much guess the outcome of the film . but leave it to screenwriter david mamet to add humor and a few surprises to mess with your head . one surprise , in particular , left me smiling just because mamet actually had the guts to add it to his script . action films are a dime a dozen in hollywood , and while they are somewhat successful at entertaining us , they lack the one thing which would make them a more respected genre : intelligence . even horror films have learned this , a genre which is probably the least respected of them all . the river wild was one of the best action/suspense films i have seen from the 90s . the intelligence of the screenplay , and the suspense drawn from the realistic characters is nearly unmatched to this day . the edge has the intelligence and smart characters , but this time the lack of originality is the downfall . i must admit that it was very suspenseful , and had an original third half , but the first hour and a half is riddled with cliches and plot holes . this is an example of the final act saving the film , instead of the other way around ( as in the lost world ) . if only the screenplay had maintained the final thirty minutes' intensity , it could have become a great action film ( and i use the term loosely ) . the edge is pretty much a survival-of-the-fittest film . but taking scream's lead , the edge makes fun of the genre's cliches , and then uses them ( though not quite as effectively ) . charles morse ( anthony hopkins ) is the main character , a rich and very intelligent man who wonders what the accumulation of all this knowledge has brought to him . for once , we don't immediately care for the main character . instead , we like bob ( alec baldwin ) , a photographer who is going to take pictures of charles' wife , mickey ( elle macpherson ) , out in the wilderness . they board a plane and head to a cabin somewhere in the arctic . charles' birthday is the same day , and he receives a gold watch from his wife , and a pocket knife from bob . as action films go , these items do have importance to the rest of the story , but quite a bit more than we first expect . soon , however , bob wants to find a native to shoot pictures of because of his " personality . " charles , bob , bob's assistant steve ( harold perrineau ) , and the pilot head off to find him , and as shown in the previews , hit a flock of birds flying south for the winter . down the plane goes , the pilot is killed , and the three are left to survive in the wilderness . director lee tamahori is aware of the silly plot which is about to follow , and therefore has to create original ways to approach the situations . he succeeds often enough for us to enjoy the film . take , for instance , the entire man-hunting bear plot . this has been done many times in films with different animals , and even bears . but given the charles' intelligence , and bob's uncertainty , many of the cliches are given fresh twists . even charles himself seems to have seen these action films before . my favorite line of the film comes from charles : " most people die in the wilderness because they didn't do the one thing that could save their life . . . thinking . " despite the predictability of the main plot , a subplot develops late in the film which took me by surprise , and made me smile when i realized that everything isn't as it seems anymore . i have to write cautiously as to not reveal this surprise , so instead i will avoid it entirely . the first two-thirds of the edge have many humorous moments to push it along , and some of charles' survival techniques seem possible , even making fire from ice . tamahori is able to create a lot of suspense from the stalking bear , but whenever the bear is present , the characters lose all sensibility . i have always wondered why characters in films walk over a log to get across water . why not do what an intelligent person would and crawl across ? i guess getting chased by a bear makes your thought process turn off for a while . thankfully , we already have begun to care for the characters , and so we let this small detail slide . but some of the technical details are awkward , such as the nice stitching done on the fur coat that charles and bob make ( where did they get thread and needles ? ) . the acting of the film is highly above average for a film of this nature , and borders on phenomenal . anthony hopkins gives a terrific performance , creating his most likeable and layered character since remains of the day . hopkins usually brings greatness to his roles , but here he exceeds at gaining the audiences' sympathy , something he definitely did not do in silence of the lambs . alec baldwin gives one of his best performances i have ever seen ( it sure is better from his fair game ) . baldwin can be a good or a bad character , and here he succeeds at both in a way . you can never quite guess if he is a nice or a vllainous character until the end , and baldwin is able to handle the double-natured photographer . elle macpherson gives a good performance , albeit slight . she isn't in the film all that much , but for the scenes she does have , she handles as an actress , not as a model . harold perrineau is a good actor , and his scenes are nice and underplayed . he is eliminated early , and i reveal nothing by saying this because it is inevitable and predictable . the edge is rated r for graphic violence , some gore , and language . some of the violence is a little too disturbing , even for me . this film is a nice change from the mindless action most of us are used to , but too many cliches bog it down . director tamahori has created a very smooth and suspenseful action film out of recycled parts . david mamet's script , though , has a lot of humor to keep the first hour afloat , and the acting is solid . the best thing about the script is the ending which doesn't end with the normal high-strung action sequence , but with a small detail involving a certain gift . it's a nice touch considering what we have had to go through with the bear . and by the way , most people laughed when the film faded to black due to a large credit to bart the bear . way to go , bart . one of the more unusual and suggestively violent films ever made , " se7en " is just a few steps away from brilliance . however , those few steps away are only a few steps from a level of evil and depravity that few people want to discuss . the film received mixed reviews upon release , but there's an underlying sinister appeal and intrigue to this that many critics perhaps did not notice . at times it gets preachy about the horrors it seems to be criticizing , but the script and the ultimate pay-off are excellent . the shocking conclusion is just as unpredictable as the endings of most films are predictable . this piece of work is 100% intensity . it's uncomfortable to watch , yet compelling . " i want not to look , yet i cannot turn away . " the story creeps along slowly and deliberately , crafted by visionary director david fincher . he has experience in tantalizing his audience with information and visions , but not giving away too much too soon . this is the guy who directed the ominous " alien 3 " . " se7en " is even more ominous because the threat is real . it's human and , while the script takes some artistic licence , the way in which the diabolical killer works here is actually realistic . that is , if a human being could be so intelligent , patient , wealthy , and disillusioned . after the most bizarre opening credits i've ever seen ( refreshingly different in editing style and musical accompaniment ) , the initial character development takes place . morgan freeman stars as detective william somerset , a knowledgeable veteran who is ready to give up on his job and the sickness of society . brad pitt co-stars as detective david mills , the young hotshot who is brand new to this unnamed city and full of fury to catch the bad guys . these two fine actors give the film its human qualities ( along with the appealing gwyneth paltrow , who plays tracy , mills' wife ) . however , none of them stands out above the material . no disrespect intended , but two other actors could have played these parts and the film probably would have been about the same . an ironic note is that somerset has only a week ( or 7 , that's seven , days ) left on the force to train his young protege . the title of the picture also refers to the 7 deadly sins , as chronicled by john milton in " paradise lost " --gluttony , greed , sloth , lust , pride , envy , & wrath . incidentally , i wrote the sins in order of how each victim was found . it's the last two sins that are the most intriguing and shocking , but i won't give that away . as i said , this has a great ending and no one should spoil it . anyway , the brilliant killer sets out to make a statement to the world that these sins will no longer be tolerated and he makes the " sinners " suffer for it . the two partners stumble over the corpse of a grotesquely obese man . they learn that he was murdered--forced to eat himself to death . the killer leaves small clues at this and other murders and , of course , somerset and mills are smart enough to stay with him all the way . if they didn't , it would be one short movie ! the deliberate pace allows for craftsmanship of detail and story . we see a lot of blood , but it's not especially violent . the suggestion of what happens is far more disgusting than anything actually shown--like most of the violence in " pulp fiction " . " se7en " is gory , graphic , and disturbing , but all the gore is post-death . still , if you tend to get queasy , don't eat food during this film . kevin spacey plays john doe , the avenging angel who claims that he's the messenger who will right the wrongs with his teachings . like many crazy men , he has some fine ideas , but some sick ways of expressing himself . spacey doesn't appear until the final 30 minutes and also doesn't receive billing in the opening credits . however , it's his appearance that turns this film upside down and for that he should have gotten an oscar nomination . a great villain manages to make you either root for him or feel compelled to listen to his ramblings regardless of whether you agree with him or not . this character is so well written that it's hard to disagree when he says that what he is doing will be remembered by everyone . no serial killer has ever been so creative . " se7en " is blatantly unsubtle with its messages about the horrors of the world and it's often a little too depressing . what it lacks in those areas , it makes up for with believable dialogue , top-notch screenwriting , unexpected twists , and realistic characters . the technical aspects of the film are unobtrusive . fincher uses lighting , music , and editing quite well , but his story is always the thrust of the film . fortunately , we don't find out what happens to mills and somerset after the closing credits ( which are run backwards up the screen ! ) . it's better to imagine what paths they will follow . this is not the kind of film you turn away from and quickly forget . it's got a sinister message and john doe is right about one thing--the evils of the world aren't going to cure themselves . " se7en " raises some tough questions and it's intelligent enough to allow its audience to answer many of those questions for themselves . useless trivia--co-stars in 1995's " se7en " , brad pitt and kevin spacey also competed for the 1995 best supporting actor oscar--pitt in " 12 monkeys " , spacey in " the usual suspects " ( for which he won ) . there are some works of art that are almost impossible to review , not because of their own complexity , but because of their legendary status which prevents the reviewer to say anything original . one of such masterpieces is casablanca , probably not the best film in the history of the seventh art , but definitely the most popular one . its popularity can be measured not in a multitude of more or less disguised remakes that were made in more than half a century since its premiere , but also in countless tributes and references that movie makers use in their works to this day . casablanca is also a movie that has the very rare virtue of both being praised by the critics and loved by general audience . one of the things that makes this film even more unique was the fact that it was doomed to fail , at least judging by conventional movie-making wisdom of its time . it was based on a broadway play so mediocre that it hadn't been produced on stage ; screenplay by three writers - julius g . epstein , philip j . epstein and howard koch - was beeing written as shooting went along ; the main actors were producers' second choice , and , finally , man behind camera , michael curtiz was considered to be capable , but not great director . however , the movie was commercially successful and earned three " oscars " , including the one for the best film . until this very day , it is considered to be the best example of hollywood film- making in its own golden age . the plot of the movie was heavily influenced by the needs of ww2 propaganda , yet it also used rather complicated and now almost forgotten political circumstances of that global conflict in order to make intriguing story . in december 1941 , casablanca , exotic port on the atlantic coast of north africa is controlled by officially neutral , yet nazi-collaborating french vichy government . thousands of refugees from war-torn europe are stuck there on the way to lisbon and safety of america , and ready to pay any price for precious exit visas . many shady characters thrive on their misery , including the corrupt police chief , captain renault ( rains ) . his best friend is rick blaine ( bogart ) , who used to be idealistic anti-fascist , and now owns popular night club in casablanca and lives by his own cynical philosophy of " sticking his neck for nobody " . however , everything changes when he gets in possession of two precious extra visas . this event coincides with the arrival of two new refugees to casablanca . one of them is victor laszlo ( henreid ) , czech resistance leader who escaped three times from nazi concentration camps and became the legend of enslaved europe . he is accompanied by his beautiful wife ilsa lund ( bergman ) , with whom rick had a stormy affair in the eve of nazi occupation of paris . the couple needs visas , especially because of the gestapo major strasser ( veidt ) being on their trail . rick is now forced to choose between love , wounded pride , self-preserving interest and his own hatred of fascism . the casting for this movie seems influenced by divine inspiration - humphrey bogart , most legendary actor in the history of cinema , is one of the rare character actors who elevated his persona to the star status . bogart's portrayal of rick as complicated man , torn between idealistic past and bitter present , was so perfect , that his icon would forever be connected with that character . another icon in his company is ingrid bergman , great actress of old hollywood , here in her artistic and visual prime . the cinematic coupling of bogart and bergman became one of the main symbols of that era of filmmaking - some happier times when the romance on the screen didn't look childish nor trite like in some more contemporary works . for many people , casablanca is probably the best romantic film ever made . but the reason for that isn't the romance itself - it's the realistic story of people forced to make tough , and often wrong choices in their life . the casting of casablanca was right on target not just in a case of main leads . the supporting actors also did a marvellous job . sidney longstreet and peter lorre were here mainly to give a mystic flavour spotted in a previous bogart classic - john huston's maltese falcon ; yet both of them managed to portray colourful and original characters . another shining example of good casting is now almost forgotten paul henreid as the weakest part of love triangle ; character of victor laszlo has believable charisma and looks like a somebody who could inspire millions of people to rise against nazi tiranny . unfortunately , the charisma that burdened laszlo , leaves little place for difficult choice , making his character forever overshadowed by rick/ilsa coupling . however , rick and ilsa actually have a serious competiton for most memorable character in casablanca . captain renault , brilliantly portrayed by claude rains in a role of a lifetime , was embodiment of perfect , almost unmatched balance between ethical corruption and physical charm . despite being the undoubtful villain in almost entire movie , rains managed to make renault sympathetic character , and his final conversion to the side of good , symbolized in not so subtle gesture at the end of movie looked unnecessary . rains also gave another dimension to the movie , making it even more ambiguous ; people who like to analyse movies to death discovered signs of homosexuality in renault's relationship towards rick , and rick's final words leave room for even more outrageous speculations . together with well-drawn characters and exciting story , the movie was good in creating his own atmosphere . professional nitpickers would probably have a field day in discovering numerous historical and geographical inaccuracies , but casablanca is still a shining example of hollywood ww2 movie that is beliavable , if not realistic . any way , even if we don't see it as a historical document , casablanca is movie that can be source of entertainment as well as infinite inspiration . like the great musical pieces of mozart himself , amadeus is a true work of art . it is one of those few movies of the 80's that will be known for its class , its style , and its intelligence . why is this such a good film ? there are almost too many reasons to explain . the story : court composer salieri ( f . murray abraham ) feels waves of different emotions going through his head as wolfgang amadeus mozart ( tom hulce ) comes into his life as the young genius composer . salieri feels envy , and jealousy , but at the same time is fascinated with mozart's brilliance and ingenious . we travel through mozart's life as a composer , through his struggles , his triumphs , and ultimately , his demise . the acting : abraham is magnificient as salieri ; his acting range enables him to focus on each individual emotion and express it through his speech and body language . this performance earned him a well deserved oscar . tom hulce is interesting as well as mozart , a quirky , annoying bratty kid with an annoying laugh . he's strong , but weak at the same time , and must be aided by his wife ( elizabeth berridge ) , who is good in her role , but lacks dramatic depth . jeffrey jones , in a smaller , more dignified role than such roles in stay tuned and mom and dad save the world , is cast perfectly because of his noble charm . the movie : every element of this movie works . the costumes and makeup are very memorable , as well as its stunning art direction , and unforgettable scores ( adapted from mozart's original music ) . while wolfgang amadeus mozart was a genius at music , milos forman proves with his film that he is a genius of filmmaking . this movie is a classic that will be remembered for years to come . ad2am " i almost lost my nose . . . and i like it . i like breathing through it . " -jack nicholson , chinatown armageddon , in itself , symbolizes everything that is wrong in modern filmmaking . stories have been replaced with special effects ; character development gets overshadowed by bad dialogue ; plotting consists of a bunch of shit getting blown up . armageddon is as stupid , as loud and as shallow as any movie you'll see come out this summer , or maybe even any other summer . but i loved every freaking minute of it . believe me , i'm just as shocked as you are . hell , i don't even know why i went to see it in the first place . the previews were so annoying that i predicted this was going to be the worst film of the year , or at least in the running . i'm sorry , but " somebody dial 911 ! ! ! " isn't quite the tagging that's going to sell a movie . it isn't too wise either to market the film using the movie's stupidest lines ( " beam me up scotty " - yeah , that sure is great writing . . . ) . i mean , let's face it ; armageddon's previews rival the truman show's as being some of the worst of the year . neither of them even come close to doing their respective films justice . of course , you all know the story . when the earth is threatened with total annihilation via an asteroid the size of texas , nasa calls in the us's top oil drillers ( ! ) to go into space ( ! ) and implant a nuclear device eight-hundred and someodd feet into the asteroid ( ! ) . in the coarse of all this mayhem , we are introduced to some interesting - and not so interesting - characters . belonging to the former group is rockhound ( steve buscemi ) , a horny little womanizing genius who's always full of wisecracks , even when flying into space at a huge amount of g's . also , there's the always cool-as-hell billy bob thornton as dan truman , the bigwig at nasa who recruits all the drillers . he kind of reminded me of ed harris in apollo 13 , only without the intensity and great lines to deliver . then on the flip side of the coin is the tired , contrived character of harry stamper ( bruce willis , who does the whole movie employing with annoying accent i can't quite place ) , the leader of the pack as well as liv tyler and ben affleck as the token lovers you must have in any summer movie . basically , that's about it . as i said , this is hardly a film about plot . it's another summer blockbuster with plot points that are beyond unbelievable and dialogue and characters that are mostly completely wooden . case in point : nasa doesn't know that there is even an asteroid on it's way until eighteen days before impact - huh ? another example : at one point in the movie , two children are playing with toy space shuttles in front of a poster of kennedy . how pretentious is that ? ? ? ! ! ! want another one ? okay ; before the oil drillers blast off into space , one of them starts singing " leaving on a jet plane " , and soon , all the rest join in . did michael bay attend the school of sappy filmmaking before he made this picture ? but naturally , all this sappiness , melodrama and special effects accumulate to one bitchin' time at the movies . and don't get me wrong - despite all of the things i found wrong with armageddon , i still very much enjoyed it . so even if you don't win one of mcdonald's free tickets , it's still definitely worth checking out . this is one of the most funny and entertaining comedies of the year and it just happens to be animated . there are some great voice over commentaries from hollywood's most famous celebrities , some fabulous animation and a compelling story . this is the best we've seen from disney since " beauty and the beast " ( 1996 ) . this film begins an unspecified time following the happily-ever-after conclusion to toy story . in the aftermath of their earlier adventures , buzz ( voice of tim allen ) and woody ( voice of tom hanks ) are now fast friends and all the toys live in perfect harmony , content with their " lives " . one day , andy broke woody's arm off , while playing with him . woody is now officially discarged and worthless , left with his nightmares , where he lies in a trash can with the other discards . later andy's mother decides to have a yard sale , and she collects a few old toys from her son's room . since one of these discards is a member of the moving toy gang , woody goes to the rescue , leaving the safety of the house for the uncertainty of the front lawn in order to bring the toy back . although his mission is successful , he is placed in a serious predicament when a toy collector named al ( voice of wayne knight ) spies woody while hunting through the wares available at the sale . the cowboy toy represents the final collectible needed to complete his collection of merchandise from the old tv series , " woody's roundup . " if he can acquire woody , al can ship everything to a toy museum in japan for a huge profit . so , after andy's mother refuses to sell the wooden cowboy , al steals him , and it's up to the other toys , led by buzz , to go into the city to save their friend . and so , buzz , rex ( voice of wallace shawn ) , hamm ( voice of john ratzenberger ) , mr . potatohead ( voice of don rickles ) , and slinky ( voice of jim varney ) , go out on a dangerous journey to rescue their friend , they find themselves confronting things like busy streets and other buzz lightyear toys . there are car chases , gun fights and finally the confrontation between buzz and his nemesis ( who , by the way , resembles darth vader ) . meanwhile , woody learns that he was once a tv celebrity and has a family - a cowgirl named jessie ( voice of joan cusack ) , a horse named bullseye , and a father figure called the prospector ( voice of kelsey grammar ) . they offer him another life , as a celebrity -- a toy in a museum in japan . he is now forced to choose between being loved intensively by andy for a little while ( before he grows up ) and be forgotten , or be admired by children for generations . the problem is , if woody escapes from al's clutches and returns home , they will end up back in the lonely darkness of storage . a real effort is made in the technical department . the animation is rich and colorful , with lots of wonderful details . the " cinematography " is also extremely improved since toy story ; there are a lot of complicated swings , turns and close-ups that really make an impression . lighting and filters are used to create a mood ( as in a surprisingly emotional moment - jessie's remembrance of her days when she was a beloved toy ) the film contains a lot of in-side jokes ( such as the one about videogames ) , and entertaining parodies on " jurassic park " and " star wars " . the film ends with the " failed takes " , the kind of scenes that we are used to see after comedy shows on tv . these outtakes are some of the funniest scenes in the film . but what in the end makes " toy story 2 " a memorable experience is not the jokes , its multiple parodies or marvelous animation . it is its heart and emotions -- the story about the meaning of friendship , love and even life itself . it is not difficult to predict that " toy story 2 " would be a huge economical success , but its artistic achievement was unexpected . unexpected because the first film wasn't much more than a demonstration of special effects . but mostly it was unexpected because disney hasn't produced anything spectacular in years and is constantly surpassed by companies such as dreamworks and warner brs . but here the director has changed the atmosphere of the film , making it more accessible and interesting for persons older that 9 years . this is a big step-away from the ancient laws of disney-animation . off course , this is not " antz " , it is not as intelligent ; this is not a landmark and no masterpiece , but i promise that you'll find it as funny and enjoyable as i have . whether this is the best animated film of the year , i dare not say . my choice would probably be " the iron giant " , but ( along side with " american pie " ) this is the comedy of the year . i almost lost my hopes for disney , but " toy story 2 " proves that disney hasn't lost their ability to entertain . not too many people know who james whale is , but it's a safe bet that a good chunk of them have seen his movies . if we are to believe the semi- biographical gods and monsters , whale would have wanted it to be that way . this is an insightful , haunting exploration of the last days of the frankenstein and bride of frankenstein director , and it is notable for introducing one of the first complicated gay characters in a hollywood movie . gods and monsters has no interest in being a biopic of whale's life because it tracks only the final few days of his life , and it's probably a better movie for it . it's focus is on whale's ( ian mckellen ) untraditional and deceptive lust for heterosexual gardener clayton boone ( brendan fraser ) . it begins with whale ( a fairly talented artist , aside from being a director ) asking boone to " sit for him , " ( pose for a portrait ) . at first , boone doesn't realize that whale is gay and grows fascinated with the old man . when he does discover whale's sexual orientation from his dedicated and protective maid ( lynn redgrave ) , he is frightened , refusing to sit for the guy . but he comes back , only to storm out again , disgusted with whale's " locker room talk . " boone returns yet another time , after whale promises to tone down the aforementioned " locker room talk , " and finds their platonic relationship to be strengthening . meanwhile , jimmy himself is suffering from hallucinations and mental attacks as a result of his stroke not long ago . his ailment leads to desperation and depression , which build to the point where he is forced to ask boone for an incredulously big favor . what is perhaps most sensational about gods and monsters is brendan fraser's bravura performance ; up until seeing this film i intensely disliked the young actor because of his tendency to ruin the movies he is in ( blast from the past , for example ) . i was surprised how expressive an actor he proved himself to be here . this is impressive because his character's dialogue is minimal , with mckellan doing most of the talking . that requires fraser to act through body language ; a difficult skill to master , but something he proves capable of doing well . this is not to ignore mckellan's oscar nominated turn . he earned that nomination with his touching performance here ( although , at the risk of sounding like a philistine , i would have chosen his performance as the nazi in apt pupil for the nomination ) ; an understated , compelling gem . whale dreaded being remembered solely for his work in the hollywood horror genre , and he thought hollywood to be the equivalent of a battlefield . he rejoiced in being free from it , only reluctantly going to receptions with fellow movie people . in the end , perhaps , it is what killed him : the memories of hollywood and war blending together to form a living nightmare . ? 1999 eugene novikov‰ ; when i initially set out to review this film , my tag line was going to be " you too can believe whales can fly " . then it was going to be " you too can believe pastel triangles can fly " . then , it was going to be " you too can believe wood sprites can fly " . finally , i just gave up trying to come up with a tag line and decided to say . . . there's a lot of flying going on in this film ! as our first host steve martin tells us , the original concept behind fantasia was to bring it out every year with some old segments retained and some new segments added in . well apparently that plan fell by the wayside for a while , because approximately sixty years have passed since the original classic was released . part of this might have something to do with the cold reception the film got when it was first released in 1940 ( grossing somewhere close to $110 , 000 in its original month of release ) . subsequent re-releases of the film have elevated the popularity of the film to the classic status it has finally achieved ( and rightfully deserved ) . to celebrate the release of an updated version of fantasia , disney and imax teamed up to present the animated film in a fashion no one had seen before : six stories high . in an exclusive four month engagement ( from january 1st to april 30th , 2000 ) , fantasia 2000 can be seen at many imax theaters across the us . after the engagement is over , the film will be shown at regular theaters . is the format effective for the film ? with a few exceptions , yes . the first segment we are presented with is set to beethoven's fifth symphony . it's hard to describe exactly what this segment is about , but it involves a bunch of brightly colored butterfly looking triangles flitting about happily . everything seems to be going great for these little things until the ground erupts with swarms of evil , black bat-like triangles that attack and engulf their lighter counterparts . eventually , shafts of light from above help drive away the evil bat-like things and peace returns to the butterfly things . though this segment isn't very story driven , some of the images are very visually strong , especially the scene in which the dark cloud of bat things ( who are all outlined in blood red colors ) begin to overtake the skies . the next segment is set to ottorino respighi's " the pines of rome " . in this segment , some humpback whales swim happily through the ocean and eventually emerge from the water and fly around the massive icebergs that pepper the oceanscape . a whale calf gets into a scuffle with some nearby birds during the flight and ends up getting trapped in a giant iceberg he smashes into while trying to avoid the birds attack . he is finally saved ( by another liberating shaft of light ) and he and his brethren take to the skies and fly into the upper atmosphere where they frolic in the " oceans " of clouds . again , visuals are the key with this segment , especially where the whales are involved . reportedly the whales , as viewed on an imax screen in certain sequences , are shown as actual size . the cgi whales look incredibly life-like , except for some googly cartoon eyes drawn onto the images . one especially striking image involves the giant shadow of one of the whales being cast through the wall of an iceberg as the whale calf tries to find a way out to its parent . absolutely beautiful stuff . the third segment ( and the least of the eight segments ) is set to george gershwin's " rhapsody in blue " . this segment is designed as a tribute to acclaimed caricaturist al hirschfeld , and intertwines four different stories about sad souls living in depression era new york . there's a construction worker who dreams of being a jazz drummer , an out-of-work sad sack that dreams of having a job , a young girl that dreams of spending time with her parents instead of being hustled off by a schoolmarm , and a nebbish who dreams of being free from his overbearing wife . i won't go into how everything works out , but in fine disney tradition there is a happy ending . unfortunately , the story drags quite a bit and the seems out of place within the hyper reality of the rest of the segments . segment four is set to dmitri shostakovich's " piano concerto no . 2 " and is an animated version of hans christian andersen's " the steadfast tin soldier " . a one legged toy tin soldier falls in love with a wind-up clock ballerina ( whom he assumes is also one legged because he can't see her other leg extended out behind her ) , much to the dismay of an evil jack-in-the-box jester . the jester knocks the soldier out of a window and continues pursuing the ballerina . little does the jester know , the soldier has been deposited in the sewer and has journeyed through the pipelines only to be swallowed by a fish that has been captured and sold to the owner of the set of tin soldiers that the one legged one comes from . the soldier eventually saves the day and gets the girl . although the ending has been altered from the andersen story , " the steadfast tin soldier " is decently told with in the framework of a seven minute short . some children may find the jester to be a little frightening , but otherwise the segment is well made . segment five is the funniest of the bunch . set to camille saint-saens " the carnival of the animals " , this segment features a flamingo torturing his fellow flamingos with a yo-yo while they are trying to perform a choreographed dance number . while it is the shortest clip of the group and a throwback to the alligators and hippos dancing in the first fantasia , it is still well accomplished and a welcome bit of comedy . segment six is the only segment to be repeated from the original 1940 fantasia , and it's the one that people remember most , " the sorcerer's apprentice " . the story is the most recognizable , so the draw here is seeing it on the enormous imax screen in remastered stereo . unfortunately , the segment wasn't made to be presented on large format film ( considering it was shot full frame ) and exhibits large amounts of grain . there were at least two occasions where images were very hard to make out due to the excessive grain . similar problems crop up on modern day releases when projected on screens too large for the image to be shown accurately ( but no one seems to notice for some strange reason ) , an anomaly common to many 18-plus screen theaters . segment seven is set to sir edward elgar's " pomp and circumstance march no . 1 " and is the only other fantasia segment to feature a stock disney character . donald duck " stars " as an assistant to noah , whose task is loading all of the animals onto the ark . during the loading , donald and his wife lose sight of each other and both believe that the other one didn't make it on the boat . they are constantly missing each other due to comic misadventures mainly involving donald being crushed by animals in various manners . despite the slapstick style of comedy in this piece , it displays more emotion in its final scene than many of the tear-jerkers foisted on audiences these days . powerful stuff . segment eight brings a whole new meaning to the clich ? " saving the best for last " . set to igor stravinsky's " the firebird " , an elk awakens a forest sprite that proceeds to change the wintery landscape into a beautiful springtime landscape . trees bloom and flowers blossom and everything seems to be going well until the sprite becomes inquisitive about a large mountain housing a strange formation . when the sprite examines the formation , it awakens and becomes the titular firebird . in a stunning spectacle , the firebird rears back and unleashes and fire storm that destroys everything in its path , including everything that the sprite has worked to create . some amazing animation is present here , and well worth the ten dollars a ticket alone ( although brush strokes are evident in one scene due to the enlargement of the film ) . the host segments are largely ( no pun intended ) throwaways , although steve martin's clip is pretty funny . be sure to stay through the credits for a little more humor from martin . penn and teller are usually funny , but here their gags seem routine and therefore uninteresting . the best segment comes from , of all people , bette midler , who gets to tell us about some of the abandoned segments that never made it off of the drawing board . pieces like flight of the bumblebee , a take on the four horsemen set to wagner's " ride of the valkyries " , and a strange segment prepared in the '40s by salvador dali that never was shown are all previewed here and teased that they may appear in future installments . for fans of visual stimulation or classical music , fantasia 2000 is a perfect way to spend the afternoon . the film is also decent family entertainment and contains little to no objectionable material . as i mentioned earlier in the review , if ten dollars seems like too much for you to spend on this film , fear not because after its run in imax theaters it is going to be brought out in regular theaters . i must stress that the best way to see this film is on an imax screen though . then you too can believe that whales/triangle things/sprites can fly . [g] it's tough to really say something nice about a type of person who's so ethnocentric that any humanity they once had is now gone , but by god , " american history x " does it , and for that , i commend it . it not only takes balls but intelligence to make a human being out of a neo-nazi skinhead , a kind of person who dedicates their lives to hating anyone who's not what they are , and this film wisely and miracurously pulls it off . the subject of this film is one of them , but he is worse than one of the blind followers that make up most skinhead members since he is the leader of the pack . he's the one who instigates them to take a firm grip onto their rage , and then in another brilliant stroke , justifies it with political propoganda that makes eerie sense when he speaks . he's so utterly convincing as a public speaker and so firm in his convictions that it comes as a shock when he actually goes through the rehabilitation process . his name is derek vinyard , and he's played by edward norton with so much fire and intensity that when he speaks he's almost as convincing and arresting a public speaker as , say , malcom x . when we first see him , he's clean shaven , with a jet black swastica emrboidered on his left breast , a devlish goatee , and he's attacking the black carjackers outside of his house dressed in nothing but his white boxers and carrying a handgun in his hand that never seems to run out of bullets , at least when he doesn't need them . he so believes in his convictions that he's willing to put his beliefs to the test , even if he knows it will mean a stop in prison , if only for a couple years . " american history x " is about derek , how he became a neo-nazi skinhead , how he rose to power , how he was rehabilitated in prison after murdering two black men in a fit of rage that was less to do with the stealing of his car and more to do with proving himself , and how he tried to save others , namely his younger brother , from making the same mistake . we see him at all of these stages - as a smart teenager , a vicious hate monger , a man having an epiphany , and the man who tries to correct what he's done before - and in all of these , we get a portrait of a man from all sides . or at least , that's the intention . the film's framing device is his brother , danny ( edward furlong , perpetually looking about 13 ) , also now a skinhead , and how his principal , bob sweeney ( avery brooks , who i just found out was or is the captain on star trek's deep space 9 ) , is trying to " correct " him . when the film opens , danny has just written a book report on " mein kampf , " landing him in trouble with sweeney , which causes him to make him write a paper on derek's life and how it has gotten him nowhere . coincidentally , this day is the day derek is released from prison , and when we see him , he's cleaned-up , not as buff , and has a full head of hair . he's just as intelligent , but still very rough along the edges , but he's wisened up . he's no longer controlled by his anger at blacks and jews , and tries to persuade danny , who's becoming what derek was before , to give up his lifestyle . but danny won't . he goes to a large skinhead beer bash , meets with the skinhead leader ( stacy keach ) , and then discovers that derek is as opposed to neo-nazi-dom as he was for it a couple of years ago . the film circles around this , then spins off into non-linear flashbacks , all done in black and white . we mostly see derek at his prime as a skinhead , living in venice beach , organizing vicious and quasi-sadistic raids on local stores that no longer hire the white , middle-class teenagers since they can easily get cheaper illegal immigrants to do the same work , and mouthing off his theories on affirmative action and how illegal immigrants and blacks have destroyed the fundamentals this country was built on . to them , the white man is the one who has gotten the fuzzy end of the lolipop , and he not only speaks elloquently , forcefully , and intelligently , but he backs everything up with political reasons , justifying their rage at least to them . and frighteningly enough , much of what he says sounds true . " american history x " is a collection of really great scenes and moments , rather than a cohesive , great film that flows effortlessly from one moment to the next . in it , there are some of the best scenes i've seen all year . one scene features a dinner between derek's family , and his mother's newest boyfriend ( played with reserve by eliott gould ) , a jewish liberal who quietly disagrees with derek's rightist views , launching the scene into a fit of rage and anger that builds unparalled emotions in the audience ( gould's reaction to derek's final summation is unnerrving ) . another scene uses humor and traditional macho sex talk to build a friendship and a nice connection between derek and a black co-worker ( guy torry ) while folding laundry in prison . and another soon-to-be-classic is actually divided in two : the murder of the two black men that winds derek in jail , which contains a final murder so nasty that it may be the most revoltingly shocking all year . there's much more to appreciate , like the acting , which is uniformly good , with stand-outs coming from avery brooks , beverly d'angelo ( as the long-suffering mother ) , and gould ( who has one horrible line , but other than that , comes off with the best performance he's given in what seems like a really long time ) . norton walks off with the film , though , coming off with such intensity that he reduces anyone not doing an adequate job to rubble . in only the fifth movie of his career , norton has invented himself as one of the most reliable and intense actors of his generation , and maybe the best . there's nothing like it when norton really gets rolling in this movie , spewing out lines with such authority that he commands all attention from the audience , coming off with power similar to that of a young maron brando . that he allows the little emotions to seep through is amazing . sadly enough , this isn't going to be the great portrait of racism that it perhaps hopes to be . it's too unambitious and even a little contrived to really take off as either a powerful statement or an emotional masterpiece . the ending , especially , is pencilled in from other movies , tossed in just so the emotional keyboard can be trounced upon . some of the skinheads are reduced to mere cliches ( kevin smith regular ethan suplee fairs rather annoyingly as the " fat skinhead , " whose lines consist without fail of expressing his desire to eat more ) , and even the dramatic arc isn't as well travelled . furlong's danny never seems to really be learning a lesson , since the flashbacks refuse to show his point of view , and when he decides to make a change by the end ( which was inevitable ) , it doesn't seem like it has actually arrived there . even derek's descent into skinhead-dom doesn't seem justified . though his fireman father ( william russ , the dad from " boy meets world , " and don't ask me how i know that ) is killed by a black junkie , and even before he spoke against affirmative action intelligently , there never seems to be any real back story why derek became so intense about his beliefs . as such , one can see why the director , tony kaye , wanted to have his name removed . sorta . " american history x " is a very good movie , and i was very moved by it , but it could be a lot better , and the problem seems to be that the cut as it is is not up to what he claims to be his potential . somewhere , he claims , there lies a tony kaye cut , and that was to be the true cut until it was viewed by norton , who then ordered another cut , and that is thus . although he aimed for the directing credit to go to " alan smithee , " the resident name for any film that is to be disowned by its director , it wasn't allowed to him , under the grounds that once you disown a film , you can not badmouth it ( but really , that's the macguffin - no one really wanted a film this good to be given the alan smithee sign of disapproval ) . kaye's right in that it's not up to par , even if he's not referring to normal par but rather his own personal par . this will not be a " do the right thing " for the late 90s . yet it still gets its point across intelligently , and backs it up with its story ( its message , that one cannot be so enwrapped in one's own beliefs or pain and suffering will occur , is literally said over the narration , unfortunately ) . and even if it isn't perfect , at least when avery brooks turns to norton after he has been beaten and raped in prison , and asks him if anything he's done has made his life any better , it realy hits a nerve , not only in derek , but also in the audience . synopsis : as a response to accusations of sexual prejudice in the armed forces , a female naval intelligence officer is chosen to be a test case . if she can survive the demanding s . e . a . l . training , she will open the way for other women to be permitted to follow in her footsteps . throw in a lot of political machinations , sabotage , brutality , water and sand and you have an entertaining movie . review : the title of this movie turned me off at first . i mean 'gi jane ? ' ? ? ? ? ? the other titles which were considered were more promising - in pursuit of honor or a matter of honor would have been acceptable although navy cross or undisclosed are a little meaningless as far as i'm concerned . i went into this movie not liking the title and being one of those people who thinks that demi moore is absolutely ghastly as an actor . to my surprise i really enjoyed the movie . moore as lieutenant jordan o'neil is much more likeable than her washed out excuse for a gusty woman in a few good men . the storyline is simple . anne bancroft playing senator lillian dehaven is a ruthless , machiavellian politician with an agenda to push . using feminism to achieve political mileage , she forces the military powers that be to backdown and permit a test case to enter the highly intensive navy s . e . a . l . training . jordan is selected due to the fact that she has it all - looks , brains and strength . the training is gruelling and the indignity almost painful to watch . nonetheless , it's one of those movies that makes me want to cheer out and encourage the hapless hero/heroine along in his/her endeavours . sure , there are the stereotypical elements - inhuman treatment , sexual innuendo , resentful peers , pained boyfriend and sexist commanding officer . stepping away from the stereotypes though , viggo mortensen as master chief john urgayle tries to get away from being nothing more than a brutal screamer . his character exercises a little more intellectual rigour than you would normally expect from such a character . jordan's boyfriend royce is also in the military . although they both started at the same time , due to the fact that he has seen active service , he has advanced through the ranks much more quickly than she has . royce ( what is his surname ? do we care ? ) almost resents jordan's attempts to advance herself , although he quickly settles down to being doe-eyed and supportive . his character seems to have been thrown in so that we know that you don't have to be a lesbian to want to be in the military . in parts , this is a very silly movie , with gratuitous lines and scenes thrown in for effect which are so blatantly obvious or contrived that it's hard not to cringe . i still liked it though . weaknesses in the script aside , this is a film which captures a heroic and reckless mood . as we watch jordan's battle , it's increasingly clear that it is a personal battle . this is an individual's fight for self-advancement . we don't have to have our teeth set on edge by didactic preachings , we don't have to feel uncomfortable because we're having ideology thrust down our throats . it's enough that we can sit back and hope that this one person gets what she wants and we can admire her tenacity and determination without coming out and saying whether we believe women should go into combat or not . the idea at the center of the devil's advocate , which is , thus far , one of the three or four best films of 1997 , is that no matter what decision is made , evil will triumph -- god is a trickster , satan is a humanist -- " the last humanist " . he appears in many guises , and seduces many men and women -- in his own words , " vanity -- by far my favorite sin " . al pacino plays this role with relish , and gets to chew some delectable lines ( " lemme givya a piece o' inside wisdom on god . . . " , " i have a million names . . . " ) , as john milton -- the devil . the main idea -- that he can appear as anyone , in any form ( in this case , a buisness man ) , harkens mainly back to terry gilliam's the time bandits . but the film , is something else , something original . part of what makes it so very good , is that it never takes itself too seriously -- it dabbles with morality , vanity , death , and child abuse , but doesn't try to become any profound study of power . this is a marvelous confection -- cocky , funny , thought provoking . it is also entertaining . there is no way you could possibly predict the ending -- it pulls back upon itself , drawing purely out of the mind's eye . the final shot is more creative , more daring , more challenging , then anything in cinema since the white sock in the coen's fargo . the central themes are fascinating ( sometimes reminiscent of james' the turn of the screw , and oates' accursed inhabitants of the house of bly ) , and the product that is built around it really wows . its nice to know that things like this are still being made . scream 2 , like its predecessor , is a genre-crossing film . it is about 50% horror film and 50% murder mystery . the mix worked very well last time and it continues to entertain this time . scream was also known for its self-referential tone . many inside jokes were made in reference to horror movies and wes craven . again , scream 2 follows suit with characters saying such things as " sequels suck " and " the entire horror genre was destroyed by sequels . " scream 2's story is very similar to it's predecessor's . sidney ( neve campbell ) , having survived the killing spree in scream , is now in college . gale weathers ( courteney cox ) has written a book about the murders and that book is now being released as a feature film , called stab ( which for all practical purposes is the real-world movie scream ) . at the premiere of stab , two students from sidney's college are stabbed to death , and a new story begins . the press descends on sidney and her college to get the scoop on this sequel killer . they want to know all about the links between stab , sidney , and the recent murders . the most complex self-reference i saw ( this should be an olympic event ) was the scene where gale weathers was asking questions at a press conference . the rest of the press was watching and videotaping weathers . the other survivors from scream were watching and videotaping the press . the audience was watching the whole , filmed scene . ( whew . ) the movie is packed with layers and self-references that make it a pleasure to watch . even better would be to watch a double feature of scream and scream 2 . that's not to say that these references necessarily make scream 2 a deep , or even a good movie . the just add to the fun of watching it . i recommend it for other reasons as well . what i liked best about the horror aspect of the movie is that the monster is not supernatural . no werewolf or ghost or psycho with superhuman strength is responsible . it is a person in a mask and a robe , his only advantage the fear he strikes into his victims . no extraordinary leap of faith is needed to believe in the killer . the down side is that if you are frightened by horror movies , you have less grounds to say " it's just a movie . " the whodunit aspect of the movie is not that great by itself - gale weathers and deputy dewey ( david arquette , also from the original ) track down a killer . they are likeable , but not outstanding . but in combination with the horror aspect , the whodunit is a perfect counterpoint . it was exactly a year ago today that i wrote the review for scream . the internet movie database says that scream 3 is in the works , so i wonder if i'll be doing the same thing on january 1 , 1999 . if craven and screenwriter kevin williamson are able to keep the quality high , i'll be happy to mark my calendar . when i first saw the previews for ron howard's latest film , my expectations were discouragingly low . a show about nothing ? sounds like " seinfeld . " a guy whose entire life is broadcast 24 hours a day ? sounds like " the truman show . " what is it with hollywood that no sooner than one production company puts out an animated feature about ants , another puts one out about bugs ? which is why i was pleasantly surprised by " edtv , " which turns out to be a fresh , insightful , and often times hilarious film about the follies of instant celebrity . the writing , by howard's longtime collaborators lowell ganz and babaloo mandel , is right on the money and howard himself should be credited for giving the subject matter a fresh focus . in the hands of a less-experienced director , " edtv " could easily have had all the flavor of yesterday's meatloaf . with their 'true tv' cable ratings being threatened by 'the gardening channel' ( apparently people would rather watch soil ) , the northwest broadcasting company is looking for a novel concept to attract viewers . program director cynthia topping ( ellen degeneres ) comes up with the idea of putting a nobody on the air and broadcasting his every waking and sleeping moment . the hook is to find a regular guy , someone normal that people can relate to . while scouting possible candidates , cynthia's camera crew discover ed pekurny and his pig brother ray ( woody harrelson ) in a bar , where ray believes he has what it takes for his fifteen plus minutes of fame . but on watching the videotape , the show's producers are more taken with ed than with ray . he's cute , he says all the wrong things , and he's 100% usda hick . cynthia's boss , played by rob reiner , gives the show a week to deliver the goods and it's tough going in the early stages . the most exciting thing that happens is ed brushes his teeth . " action shot ! " wags one of the production assistants when a couple of pop tarts jump out of the toaster . you get the idea . but soon enough , things--nielsen-boosting kinds of things--start to happen to this unassuming san francisco video store clerk and the 'true tv' cameras are right there to document it . ed's privacy is no longer his own , his newfound fame starts having a negative impact on his family life , and what little dignity he has left is trampled on by the media . who should ed go out with ? you can be sure the pollsters have a list . not only is the film exceedingly well cast , but its performers are consistently excellent . matthew mcconaughey provides the face , the body language , and the lovable texan accent to fill the shoes of america's latest phenomenon . he and harrelson look like they really could be brothers . sally kirkland is noteworthy in a difficult role as ed's mother , and martin landau is one of the film's highlights as al , ed's ailing stepfather . jenna elfman ( from tv's " dharma and greg " ) proves herself surprisingly worthy in the company of kirkland and landau , although those alpine eyebrows of hers get a little distracting . even degeneres and reiner are better than you'd expect . in 1979 , writer/director/comedian albert brooks made a zany little film called " real life " in which a small-time opportunist makes a real-time documentary about a typical american family . the scenes of ed's family sitting around the dinner table feasting on kentucky fried chicken and waxing idiotic play like a big-budget variant on that film , paralleling its wickedly inventive humor . as with most films by albert brooks , " real life " was funny , but absurd . the funniest--and scariest--thing about " edtv " is that it is absolutely believable . ingredients : james bond , scuba scene , car controlled by cellular telephone synopsis : warped media tycoon elliot carver ( jonathan pryce ) plots to start a war between britain and china in order to boost ratings by using a 'stealth ship' to fire a captured british missile at the city of beijing . super-agent james bond ( pierce brosnan ) uses trick gadgets , pluck , and charm in order to foil carver's scheme . this time bond teams up with top female agent wai lin from china ( michelle yeoh ) . the film contains fights , chases , gadgets , and comedic moments . opinion : it does not have a casino scene or a ski scene , but tomorrow never dies is nevertheless a solid , enjoyable bond movie . it neither stands out nor disappoints . in old bond movies bond sometimes teamed up with american cia agent felix leiter . tomorrow never dies introduces a new character in the form of chinese agent wai lin . like leiter's character , wai lin would be a sure bet for a cameo in a later bond movie . stars : michelle yeoh was born a leo in the western zodiac in the year of the tiger on the asian astrology calendar . i dont believe in horoscopes . but at an airport i once browsed an astrology book with a section on leo tigers ( lts ) . " leo tigers prefer enough solitude to grow at their own pace . lts are unbelievably courageous when facing adversity . the lt is also classy , and has an excellent sense of refinement , but she sees herself as an adventurer , and prefers freedom of movement rather than flashy status symbols . this person loves family and friends with a fierce loyalty . she delights in siblings , nephews , nieces and extended family - - but she must have her personal freedom to come and go as she pleases . sometimes annoyance at injustice drives her to take up one or two causes . in love life , the lt has an unfortunate mental block against committing to any partner who is less powerful than she . " in real life , michelle yeoh is asia's top female star . like jackie chan , she does her own stunts . she was born in malaysia - - a country of many languages - - and her primary language ( the language she speaks in her sleep ) is english . she was taught malay in school , and learned cantonese from bilingual parents . as an athlete michelle represented malaysia internationally . she enjoyed squash , diving , swimming , and rugby . she studied ballet at the royal academy of dance in london , but switched to drama after a spinal injury . in 1983 she won the miss malaysia pageant - - without really intending to , since a family member had entered her in the contest without her knowledge . notoriety from the contest led eventually to a movie career as an action heroine . michelle has survived a divorce with asian retail tycoon dickson poon ; a nearly fatal stunt accident falling from a freeway overpass which put her in the hospital for three months , and ; a retirement from the movies . her comeback from retirement , supercop ( 1992 ) became the top grossing film in asia that year . it is not clear what michelles martial arts style is , but it may be a theatrical version of wing chun . of her character wai lin in tomorrow never dies , michelle says , " wai lin is the first bond girl who is on a par with bond , someone who can match up with him mentally and physically . " my own opinion is that casting michelle yeoh as agent wai lin was an excellent choice . it is always refreshing to see a superstar actor who gets paid more than enough to forget about working for a living to want to take a chance and play a less-than-savoury character as mel gibson does in payback . of course , if i was being paid $25 million for one month's work , i'd probably be willing to take risks as well , but that's neither here nor there . payback is based on a novel by richard stark ( apparently actually donald e . westlake , author of the grifters , itself a fine crime film ) which was also filmed in the 1960s as point blank starring one of the toughest of tough guys , lee marvin . the film opens with gibson having recovered from being shot several times in the back , by whom we don't know yet . all we know is that gibson , as porter , isn't a happy chappy and is hellbent on getting the money stolen from him back , and getting even in the process , no matter what the consequences . it turns out that the man he's after is val ( gregg henry ) , his sometime partner with whom he stole a briefcase full of cash from a gang of chinese mobsters . obviously not having much of a crisis of the soul , val figures porter is dead and goes about using his share of the money to pay off a debt to his employers . porter , however , is the sort of man who holds a grudge and once on his feet , goes about exacting revenge on the double-crossing val . gibson gives a terrific performance in the sort of role which he was born to play , that of a slightly unhinged guy who doesn't mind beating up or shooting people to get what he wants . you probably wouldn't see other actors in his salary range take such an offbeat , out-of-character role such as porter ( jim carrey won't be doing anything like this in a hurry after what happened the last time he tried - the cable guy , anyone ? ) . harrison ford's idea of playing an unsympathetic character is presumed innocent ; the last time schwarzenegger played a villain was batman and robin , which we won't mention further ; and has stallone ever really played a villain at all ? this is not to say that porter is a villain , per se . while he isn't the sort of character you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of , he's nothing compared to some of the ones we are forced to watch in countless bad thrillers and action films where they kill innocent people in the blink of an eye or execute their right-hand men just to prove how mean they are . porter is only trying to get back what is not-so-rightfully his , which in a way is almost understandable . payback is an enjoyable dramatic black comedy-thriller which won't be remembered as being among gibson's most important work , but is still one of the finer films he's done . the only real problem with it is that , while everything seems to work out in the end , i was left feeling something was lacking ; was that all ? the ending looks as if it was tacked on at the last minute , and the final voice-over doesn't ring true , even though it was used to good effect elsewhere in the film-noir style the rest of the film embodies . the film just ends far too suddenly , after a huge build-up in the penultimate scenes . a fine film , even though it needs just a little something more to be the kind of a film that can be recommended without hesitation . just be ready for a possible letdown of an ending . if you thought baz luhrmann's radical take on _william_shakespeare's_romeo_+_juliet_ was wild , wait until what you see what tony award-winning stage director julie taymor ( _the_lion_king : _the_broadway_musical_ ) does to the bard's _titus_andronicus_ for her audacious--and very bloody--film debut . while luhrmann transplanted the star-crossed lovers to 1990s florida , taymor keeps this grisly tale of revenge in rome--but places it in a surreal temporal limbo . the colosseum suggests the proper time of imperial rome , but high rises and heavy duty kitchen ovens suggest the 1990s , while the vintage automobiles and some costumes are more '40s and '50s , and other garments are more gladiator-like . as tamora , queen of goths ( jessica lange ) exacts revenge on roman general titus ( anthony hopkins ) for killing her eldest son , and he does the same to her for the wrongs she commits , taymor obviously wanted to express the timeless relevance of the story's underlying themes . however , the time convergence approach only works at times , for often it's just distracting , as in one scene where tamora's suviving sons ( matthew rhys and jonathan rhys meyers ) blow off steam playing video arcade games . taymor didn't have to resort to such avant garde time tricks , for the story would have resonated just as strongly had she jettisoned them . she is a strong storyteller and a master visual stylist , the latter compliment encompassing all areas , makeup and costume choices as well as those in the editing and photography departments . she also has a sure way with actors ; hopkins' titus is at once tragic and horrifying , and lange is sultry as the viperous tamora . the clear standout of the cast , however , is harry lennix as aaron , a moor who is tamora's secret lover and a schemer in his own right . lennix brings great depth to a role that could have easily been played as a stock villain . a great villain he indeed is , but to leave it at that isn't giving full justice to his powerful and multi-dimensional work . _titus_ isn't a complete success , but it is never less than fascinating , and it announces the arrival of a fearlessly imaginative new cinematic voice . meteor threat set to blow away all volcanoes & twisters ! summer is here again ! this season could probably be the most ambitious = season this decade with hollywood churning out films like deep impact , = godzilla , the x-files , armageddon , the truman show , all of which has but = one main aim , to rock the box office . leading the pack this summer is = deep impact , one of the first few film releases from the = spielberg-katzenberg-geffen's dreamworks production company . following = the rather dismal showing of their previous two releases ; mousehunt and = amistad , deep impact shines with elements which could just make it one = of the biggest movies of the year . deep impact begins with the discovery of an earth bound comet during a = school astronomy outing by leo beiderman ( elijah wood ) which = subsequently stirred up the political community of the world . keeping = the information under wraps to prevent widespread panic , president beck = ( morgan freeman ) took it upon himself and his subordinates to execute a = highly secretive space project to destroy the comet before it hits = earth . while pursuing a sex-scandal story amongst the presidential = ranks , ambitious up and coming reporter , jenny lerner ( tea leoni ) = unfolds the wool that president beck has pulled over the citizens of the = world . as if the knowledge of the imminent annihilation of mankind is = not enough , jenny has to come to terms with her father ( maximillian = schell ) leaving the mother for a younger woman . =20 president beck announces the discovery and preparations to destroy the = comet exactly one-year later , with so much confidence that it left no = trace of panic within the american community . achieving fame from = announcement of the comet wolf-beiderman en-route to earth ( the name of = its discoverers ) , leo beiderman continues life in his small town as a = young celebrity . a team of astronauts , led by the ageing veteran = astronaut spurgeon tanner ( robert duvall ) , was secretly trained to carry = out the mission to land on the comet and create and explosion with a = nuclear device , with the hope of blowing it out of its current path = towards earth . despite him being the most experienced in the team , the = younger generation of astronauts in the team doubts tanner's ability due = to his age . but these are just problems of individuals . life on earth = goes on as any other day , confident that the comet will be destroyed . when the attempt to avert wolf-beiderman's path failed and caused the = comet to split into two : comet wolf and comet beiderman , the president = unfolds his contingency plan to evacuate part of the population , leaving = the rest to die . citizens are randomly chosen to live underground for 2 = years prior to impact , when the dust due to the impact around earth have = settled , by then all life on the surface would have died . jenny and leo = were picked but many of their loved ones were not , only a handful of = earth's population will be saved from destruction . =20 deep impact's moving moments occur in the least special-effect laced = scenes . while the effects are fantastic , they only form a small part of = the film , which indulges itself in the development of its main = characters ; leo , lerner and tanner . leo's struggle when he learns that = his girlfriend is not part of the population to be saved , lerner's = dwindling relationship with her father and her pain for the mother's = loneliness , tanner's strive to gain the respect he deserves from his = crew and his ultimate sacrifice , all form the backbone of deep impact's = moving moments . deep impact smells suspiciously like the previous year = release contact despite vivid differences . i think its probably because = they both delve in a story of global proportions and indulges in the = premise of hope , faith and life itself . both do not depend heavily on = eye-candy in the form of cgi effects . director mimi leder ( who won = numerous awards directing television series , and made her debut with = peacekeeper last year ) is definitely a director to watch . =20 despite this being the first of the two meteor movies this summer ( the = other being armageddon ) , i think there will be stark differences in the = approach to the subject matter . while the premise of both may be the = same , execution and focus of the films will in fact show that deep = impact has more focus on human elements than armageddon , which is done = by the team which brought us bad boys , crimson tide and the rock . =20 deep impact should be able to satisfy a variety of audiences ; from the = most action-craving to those who just want to immerse into its = manipulative but nonetheless dramatic premise . there is a striking scene early in " city of angels , " where all the angels who live unseen in our midst , gather at the beach to watch the sun rise . the camera moves above them , showing the endless rows of ethereal men and women , all garbed in black . then the camera moves in on the face of seth , an angel played by nicolas cage , and as the sun rises , he smiles and his entire face lights up . you see , the angels can hear music in sunrises and sunsets , but they cannot feel a human touch . it is an important scene for several reasons . first of all , it is one of many instances in the film that make angels seem thoroughly plausible . the film presents these fantastic beings as normal-looking people who drift amongst the inhabitants of earth , watching what goes on with little interference . there are none of the standard , hokey angel references used in recent films like " angels in the outfield " ( 1994 ) or " michael " ( 1996 ) . the angels here are stark and believable . this early scene on the beach is also an important scene of juxtaposition , for its shows how god's angels can enjoy aspects of the earth that human cannot , and yet they are denied so many simple human pleasures , like feeling the sand on their feet or the waves lapping at their legs , or the smell of the salt in the air . there is an inherent tragedy in being an angel , although there is much beauty in it as well . they eternally walk the earth , listening to our thoughts , touching us in our pain , and leading the dying to heaven . like human existence , being an angel is often confused and unsure . " city of angels " is essentially a love story , between seth and a human , a beautiful but sad heart surgeon named maggie ( meg ryan ) . he first sees her when he is in her operating room , waiting to lead the soul of her dying patient to heaven . maggie is distraught , doing everything in her power to stop the man from dying on her table , and seth is moved by her efforts and , more importantly , her overwhelming sadness when the patient dies . angels have the limited power to soothe humans in time of misery and pain , and seth does what he can with his invisible touch , but it's not enough . he wants to be with her and share her pain , not just stand back at a distance . he learns that the only way to fulfill his desire for human love and touch is for him to " fall " and become human . he learns this from another fallen angel , played by dennis franz ( " n . y . p . d . blue " ) in a touching and humorous performance . sitting at a diner together , franz tells cage's character about how wonderful it is to be human - to be able to taste food , feel another person's skin , smell the air , and most importantly , have a loving wife and children . of course , there is pain to go along with all this , but for seth , it will be worth it . " city of angels " is something of a reinterpretation of wim wender's haunting 1988 film " wings of desire . " wenders' film was more like a poem - it was the feeling , the emotion that truly mattered over what actually happened . the americanized version moves the location from divided berlin to broken los angeles , and the emphasis shifts onto the relationship between the immortal angel and the mortal human . and , unlike most foreign films that are re-made into hollywood fare , it doesn't suffer extensive damage . this may be because director brad silberling ( " casper " ) and screenwriter dana stevens ( " blink " ) wanted to make " city of angels " its own movie - inspired by " wings of desire , " but not an attempt to copy it . and yet , " city of angels " is not a typical hollywood movie . it is beautifully filmed in lush colors by cinematographer john seale ( " the english patient " ) , whose sweeping aerial shots and golden lighting make los angeles into an almost unrecognizable new world . seale creates many striking visuals : in addition to the beach scene , there is a wonderful sequence in a circular library where all the angels appear at banisters all around , looking down at seth as he watches maggie walk by . while the film travels along a charted plot , it takes time to develop its characters and situations ; it sheds light on the boundaries between what is earthly and what is heavenly , and shows just how thin those boundaries are . both cage and ryan give soulful , soft-spoken performances . ryan , who is usually so bouncy and energetic , truly embodies a sadness that can only be alleviated by a heavenly touch . cage projects all his desire and longing to be human in simple , heartfelt gazes , and speaks with the comforting , knowing voice that only an angel could have . what is most striking about " city of angels " is that stevens has added a new ending to the screenplay , which is both unexpected and challenging . it's not a formulaic hollywood ending , because it is both sad and uplifting at the same time . it doesn't give the audience what it thinks it wants at the end of a romance . instead , it offers something much better , something that speaks to the depths of what it means to be human and alive . ____________________________________________ visit " charlie don't surf ! " an eclectic collection of film reviews by james kendrick http : //www . bigfoot . com/~jimkendrick || e-mail : jimkendrick@bigfoot . com star wars : episode 1 - the phantom menace ( 1999 ) review by matt pusateri few movies evoke nostalgia , enthusiasm , and affection like george lucas' 1977 classic , star wars . the original blockbuster film and its two sequels not only evoked wonder and passion in a generation of filmgoers , but has deeply entrenched itself in american pop culture . arguably , more americans today can explain what " the force " or a " jedi " is than a budget deficit or a serb . so 22 years after the release of the original , and 16 years since the third film , the return of the jedi , how can any new star wars film withstand the weight of incomparable expectations and anticipation ? can a new storyline and a new cast of characters possibly compete with the legends of the first trilogy - luke , han solo , and darth vader -all cultural icons ? against this challenge , the fourth star wars film , episode one : the phantom menace hit the screens last week . and despite some early critical reviews in the major media , the film is neither a flop nor a disappointment . while the phantom menace is certainly not the finest film in the series , it is nonetheless engaging , exciting , and visually breathtaking . it is a worthy sequel - er , prequel - to the original star wars films . the phantom menace takes place decades before the setting of original films . as the film opens , obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor ) , the wise old master who introduced luke to the force in the original star wars , is only a young jedi apprentice , still learning from his fellow jedi and instructor , qui-gon jinn ( liam neeson ) . the republic government has sent the two jedi to settle a trade dispute that has developed into a blockade of the planet naboo by a shifty trade federation . the jedi quickly find themselves not in negotiations , but in the middle of a planetary invasion , rushing to protect naboo's young queen amidala ( natalie portman ) . later , after eventually rescuing amidala and helping her escape naboo , they are forced to stop at tatooine to repair their battle-damaged ship before bringing her to the galactic senate to make an appeal for justice . on tatooine , qui-gon discovers a young slave boy , anakin skywalker ( jake lloyd ) , who not only can help them get the parts they need , but displays uncanny intelligence , insight , and instincts . qui-gon senses the child is " unusually strong " with the force and begins to suspect that he may be " the one " prophesized to " bring balance to the force . " as anyone who has watched the original star wars trilogy knows , far from being a galactic savior , the innocent-looking 9-year-old will in time become the ruthless darth vader . complicating matters further is a mysterious hooded figure , darth sidious , is behind the trade blockade and invasion of naboo , and sends out a lethal apprentice , darth maul , to find and capture queen amidala . while amidala and the jedi fight to save her planet , they soon also have to deal with the deadly and relentless darth maul . if the plot sounds a bit complicated , it is . the phantom menace not only introduces an earlier generation of characters and an immediate crisis , but sets up the foundation for the events that will eventually lead to the fall of the republic , the demise of the jedi knights , anakin's turn to evil , and the rise of the dark empire of original trilogy . but the complexity is not overwhelming . the story moves quickly , with the only drawback being that many questions , predictably , remain unanswered at the end of the film , setting the stage for the next episode . one of the reasons the film's story seems hazy is not that it is too confusing , but too unfocused . it's unclear whose story phantom menace is . in the original trilogy , the movies were clearly luke's story , with the stories centering around his growth from farmboy to rebel hero to jedi knight . but it's unclear whether this new film is anakin's story or obi-wan's . if this trilogy is centered on anakin , it's a shaky foundation . lloyd , like many child actors , lacks the subtle acting skills of adult performers , and as a result , his character seems shallow and unimpressive . on screen , we see nothing that suggests a dark side lurking underneath his little-boy face , or for that matter , any presence that would make him seem so special that qui-gon is willing to believe he is " the one . " the rest of the cast does fine , though they often work with some iffy dialogue by lucas . neeson is perfect as an aging jedi knight . mcgregor is well-cast as obi-wan and conveys a balance of youthful energy and calm sensibility . portman fits the role of a young queen well , but her lines were often very formal , giving her little room to give her character much personality . the biggest problem with the phantom menace is not the plot or the characters , but the interaction between them . individually , the characters in this new film are no less developed than those in the original star wars , and the storyline is not more confusing than previous films in the series . but unlike the previous trilogy , lucas doesn't do as good of a job playing the characters off one another . in star wars , there were immediate contrasts and memorable exchanges between luke and han , han and obi-wan , and leia and luke . the ensemble played off each other and immediately showed their distinct attitudes and personalities . in the sequence in where luke , han , and chewbacca attempt to rescue leia from her cell on the death star , the audience learns a lot about all four characters in the ways they react to the immediate problems and each other . there is no comparable sequence in the phantom menace to flesh out the characters and their relationships with each other . individually , they are interesting characters with clear motivations and interests , but lucas develops little chemistry or tension between the them . this is perhaps the most glaring weakness of this film , and is probably the reason it has disappointed many reviewers . but despite the need for a richer dialogue and stronger character interaction , the film is still very engaging . many of the wonderful elements of lucas' previous films make the phantom menace both memorable and entertaining . first , of course , is the remarkably rich and imaginative universe lucas creates . the characters visit magical underwater cities , evade dinosaur-sized sea monsters , fight battle droids and menacing " destroyers " on venetian-looking planet of naboo , watch a spectacular event , part roman-chariot race , part nascar circuit , on the arid desert planet of tatooine , then head to corsucant , the gothic urban capital of the republic and home to the galactic senate and the jedi council . each location is elaborate and complex . lucas never settles for vague ideas about the look of his settings , he creates rich , spectacular landscapes , palaces , and skylines . most of the new special effects in his re-released special edition trilogy in 1997 were changes that allowed him to give the earlier movies the look and feel that just weren't possible when the films were made . more than ever , in this new film , lucas' universe is filled with a menagerie of creatures , robots with personalities , and a supporting cast of aliens who interact with the main characters . the best such character is watto , a greedy tatooine junk dealer who owns anakin and his mother as slaves . watto has a scratchy italian voice and a short , paunchy body with oddly mismatched wings that flutter like a hummingbird as he floats around the room . of all the computer-generated characters in the film , watto is the best done and most enjoyable . speaking of computer-generated characters , no review of the phantom menace is complete without mentioning the most controversial figure in the film : jar jar binks . with more than 80 minutes of screen time , jar jar is the realization of george lucas' dream to include a fully computer-generated character into the cast of the new trilogy . jar jar , a clumsy amphibian and member of the gungan race , literally stumbles his way into the path of the jedi knights early in the film and becomes qui jon's accidental sidekick . jar jar usually performs a comic-relief role in the film , lightening scenes with his mishaps and inability to stay out of trouble . the animation of jar jar is nearly seamless , and he interacts with the characters throughout the film as if he were really on the set with the actors . however , despite the technological magic that makes his character possible , jar jar isn't completely convincing . he still moves and sounds too much like a cartoon to blend into a scene . throughout the movie , jar jar never transcends a " roger rabbit " -like presence . you accept that he's there , but you never lose sight of the fact that he is an animated character . initially , i found jar jar annoying , but grew to enjoy the humor he added to the film . on my second viewing of the film , jar jar was a lot of fun and i didn't mind him at all . a second reason this film continues the fine tradition of star wars movies is that the film is replete with humor and small details that flesh out the world lucas creates . despite all the film's struggles between good and evil , and the sober musings about one's destiny and " the force , " like all star wars films , the phantom menace never takes itself too seriously . fortunately , lucas hasn't lost sight of the fact that his films are entertainment , not high art . from the bumbling jar jar , to a one-man , two-headed announcer team calling the action at the film's thrilling pod-race sequence , to a cameo appearance by e . t . in the film , the phantom menace is simply a lot of fun , with lots of half-hidden jokes and humor that can easily be missed . and finally , the phantom menace works because , as in all his films , there is no shortage of speed and action . from beginning to end , there are light-saber battles , hair-raising chases , and thrilling duels between good and evil . the pod-race sequence on tatooine is one of the most entertaining and exciting scenes in any star wars film , and the final showdown between obi-wan , qui-gon , and darth maul is arguably the best choreographed , most thrilling fight sequence lucas has filmed . the phantom menace won't win any major oscars . it probably won't beat titanic's box office record . and it's not even the best star wars film ( i'd put it third , after the original and the empire strikes back ) . but it's an exciting and entertaining film , far better than your typical summer blockbuster . the film can't live up to it's hype - no film , not even the original star wars , could have done that . but it's still worth seeing . . . probably more than once . the premise is simple , if not bizarre . a mad scientist ( trace beaulieu as dr . clayton forrester ) launches an average-joe ( michael j . nelson as mike nelson ) into space where he forces his subject to watch the most horrendous movies ever made . why ? it's torturous , it's maniacal , and it's just plain fun . based on the cult-favorite cable television series , mystery science theater 3000 : the movie isn't torturous , but as for being maniacal and just plain fun , it foots the bill quite nicely . mike nelson , on a dog-bone shaped spacecraft , spends his days as any young man would dream - indulging in sarcasm and horseplay , and seeing quite a few movies . the catch is , these movies aren't the movies he chooses , but retched examples of film-making chosen specifically by dr . forrester in an attempt to break mike's will to live . dr . forrester is convinced that one too many b- movies is all it will take to ruin a man , but with a couple of wise-cracking puppet buddies ( tom servo , voiced by kevin murphy , and crow t . robot , voiced by beaulieu ) , the torture becomes somewhat of a honorary party for all that is wrong in the world of cheezy cinema . the purpose behind mst3k is to exploit some of the worst films known ( even if by very few of us ) to man . we watch as the silhouettes of mike , tom , and crow sit in a darkened theater poking fun at the movie going on before them . in this case , it's the 1954 sci-fi film this island earth . we basically watch as our three leads watch , only we get the pleasure of eavesdropping on their hilarious commentary . the plots behind the movies ripped apart are really quite irrelevant , but for the sake of those who might want to know , i'll explain this one . this island earth is the tale of two scientists , a man and a woman , who wind up aboard a spaceship whose crew intends to destroy the earth . together the two fight to survive as well as save their home planet . to make mst3k work , the film-within-the-film naturally has to be as horrible as possible , and although the tv-series introduced us to several worse films than this island earth , it's a bad enough flick to bring about some hysterical cruelty . mst3k , which doesn't actually contain the complete this island earth , is a short 73 minutes , but this is a step very wisely taken . as funny as some of their observations are , it can only go so long . occasional breaks from this island earth also help the film tremendously . although it takes a second to get back into the right mode after this premise has been left for a moment , it's better than overkilling the whole concept post haste . mst3k lovers will likely hail the film greatly , but if you don't know what you're in for , it could be a jarring disappointment . although i thought the sharp wit of this film was worth three stars , it is a movie to be seen on home video , late at night when your brain is not functioning to full capacity anyway , and with a large , saracastic crowd - new year's at midnight for example , which is when i saw it . warning : although mst3k has more to its end credits than most ( the three leads use the credits to poke some more fun ) , they are actually more annoying than most . the name slandering and asinine one-liners were extremely unfunny , and after laughing for about 70 minutes straight , it put a heavy damper on the overall experience . most people will likely stay to see what the smart-alec's have to say , but for me , it almost ruined an otherwise good film . any movie about the underground music scene is a difficult beast to master . any meaning found in the underground is usually lost by the dumbing-down of the experience to make it " more accessible " to the general public . or the film is produced and directed by people that have about enough understanding of the subject matter that they ought to work as production assistants for vh1 . human traffic , a new film exploring the british underground party/rave scene and the people immersed in the world of clubbing , pubbing , drugs , sex , and the beautiful , beautiful music , is an example of how it really ought to be done . the film follows five brits in their young twenties during a wild weekend of parties , drugs , dancing , sex , pop culture discussions , relationships , and wanking off in front of a mirror while mum interrupts . the cast of character consists of jip ( john simm ) , our narrator , who has a bit of a problem with his willy , known as mr . floppy . koop ( shaun parkes ) , our black dj maestro , who has insecurity issues , afraid his girlfriend nina ( nicola reynolds ) is shagging other men . nina herself can't stand her mcjob and longs for the freedom of the weekends . lulu ( lorraine pilkington ) , jip's best mate , is tired of her cheating boyfriends . and moff ( danny dyer ) can't seem to escape the black hole of his awful life . the film follows these five individuals during one weekend as each of them discovers love , friendship , and self-fulfillment , all against the raging party background . human traffic is proof that cinema can still tell us deep stories while being visually alive , as director justin kerrigan's subtle use of the camera lets the audience become part of the action . the use of direct communication to the audience by the collection of characters works well , making the viewer the subconscious mind for the characters . dialogue is crisp and moves with an even pace , and the acting is confident . however , the two females leads tend to promote their relationships and dialogue with a bit of unneeded urgency that shows through when poignancy is needed . human traffic does not try to explain the rave scene . instead , it gives the audience the ability to listen to the people inside it , letting you choose your own convictions about this powerful musical movement that brings together strangers , friends , and lovers for one blissful night of music and peace . steve martin took an extended vacation from all facets of moviemaking a few years back ; he spent this time writing essays and short stories for " the new yorker , " several of which wound up in his hilarious hardback compilation , pure drivel ( 1998 ) . much of the book spares tinseltown from mockery , although he does riff on the racist comments made by marlon brando during a larry king interview , in a fine chapter called " in search of the wily filipino . " now , as writer and star of bowfinger , he offers the masses plenty of good reasons not to pursue a career in the cinema , perhaps finally venting the frustrations ( 'everything being made now is crap' ) that led to his brief retirement from hollywood . martin stars as bobby bowfinger , a roger corman-wannabe on the cusp of fifty and desperate for some success as a producer , quality of the projects be damned . his accountant ( adam alexi-malle ) proposes a movie called " chubby rain , " about aliens who travel to earth in raindrops slightly fatter than regular raindrops . bowfinger latches onto the idea immediately , and convinces his troupe of actor friends to appear in the film , based on the lie that america's top box office draw , kit ramsey ( murphy ) , has agreed to star . ramsey , of course , wants nothing to do with such low-grade material , so bowfinger , on the thinking that action stars need to run , not speak , decides to photograph the superstar surreptitiously . he sends his cast members ( who aren't in on it , either ; they are told ramsey hates the sight of cameras and fraternizing with his co-stars ) to ramsey's table at restaurants , asks them to follow him in parking lots , etc . , spouting script dialogue , all the while shooting the outcome from a great distance . the paranoid ramsey flees the scene nearly every time . ramsey is a member of mind head , a cultish self-help organization apparently dedicated to recruiting celebrities . ( as if that's not familiar enough , mind head guru terry stricter ( terence stamp ) has been dressed and combed to resemble l . ron hubbard , founder of scientology . ) when he goes to mind head with tales of caucasian strangers appearing from nowhere to babble " white code " in his face , they fear the nervous breakdown of an important client and rush him off to a retreat , requiring bowfinger to find a stand-in . murphy will probably win more fans as jiff , ramsey's adorable , ignoramus double , than as kit , but it is his portrayal of the latter that took courage . always surrounded by an entourage , suffering from a racial inferiority complex , murphy plays right into the tabloid image of himself . furthermore , consider the enemies he'll make of popular scientologists . pacing stricter's neutral-coloured office as if on an amphetamine binge and stripped of his bigshot veneer , ramsey is asked to shout inane personal affirmations repeatedly . murphy's scenes with stamp are exactly what i imagine of a john travolta " clearing . " not that murphy is entirely responsible for this schtick ; bowfinger is steve martin's invention . his script is surprisingly clever as satire , given that the pseudo-religion is a sitting duck , as is the entire los angeles film industry . ( the griffin mill-types take quite a beating , in the form of robert downey jr . as bigwig jerry renfro . ) martin's decision to tell the story from a bottom feeder's point of view is what keeps it fresh and innovative-never have we seen on screen a group of people struggle this hard to complete a motion picture . as expected , there are laughs only to be had insiders or buffs , such as martin's crew of mexican border-jumpers , who gain unexpected appreciation for the classics from reading " cahiers du cinema , " or martin's nonsensical explanation to dave , his loyal cinematographer ( jamie kennedy ) , that every movie , in the end , has a budget of two-thousand dollars ( ! ) . most of bowfinger is universally funny , however ; i defy any viewer to keep a straight face when christine baranski , one of our brightest comediennes , is on screen . bowfinger's main flaw is a plot twist that has an insubstantial aftermath . we're also asked to believe that a few simple close-ups of kit ramsey would redeem " chubby rain , " z-grade entertainment that would make ed wood blush . ( this aspect of bowfinger has much in common with the ludicrous oscar sequence in oz's last directorial effort , the poorly conceived in & out . ) these are significant enough weaknesses that they distracted from my enjoyment of the piece . as i mentioned at the start of this review , bowfinger offers solid reasons not to do what heather graham's character daisy does : hop a bus to hollywood in search of stardom . that said , it offers one fantastic reason to get on that bus : the sense of community between filmmakers who gel is awesome . martin gets sentimental by story's end as he did in l . a . story , and how could he not ? for those who can hack it , the movies might be the greatest business in the world . >from the man who presented us with henry : the portrait of a serial killer ( 6 . 5/10 ) comes a wild tale set within the elite and white trash of florida's south coast . plot : guidance counselor ( dillon ) is accused of raping one of his students . she happens to be the daughter of one of the wealthiest women in florida . the counselor is brought to court on the charges , as another white trash girl ( campbell ) , also joins the rape finger-pointing club . as the story unfolds , we find that many things aren't exactly as they seem ( that's as much as i could say without ruining anything ) . critique : good little flick that slows down at certain points , and runs a tad long , but generates enough twists and turns to keep most people interested throughout . mind you , i could see many people not liking it because it takes " one too many " twists and turns , but hey , i happen to like that kind of thing . and besides , the twists and turns in this movie managed to remain within the realm of believability ( or scathingly close to ) , and even " explained " many of its turns with a showcase of missed scenes during the credit crawl at the end of the film ( do not leave the theatre before you see the credits . . . it really does clear up some stuff ! ! ) . other than that , the acting was good , with campbell transforming her " good girl stereotypical " role into a pot-smoking , goth-looking white trash chick out for a good time . denise richards ( from starship troopers ( 7/10 ) fame ) solidifies herself as hollywood's jelly-donut pinup girl of the moment , and proves that all breast implants needn't lead to lawsuits . bacon is solid , and so is dillon ( while continuing to prove his inability to age to the whole wide wondering world ! ! ) . sprinkle the story with a bunch o' shots of alligators peeking through the swamp waters , bacon showing the world the size of his ding-dong ( do we really need to see this ? ? ) , a couple of lesbian kissing scenes , and a menage-a-trois , and you've got yourself a decent time at the movie theatre . on the down side , the soundtrack was not as prominent ( or slick ) as i thought it would be , and theresa russell ( real name : theresa paup ) seems to have lost her way in every which way possible . . . . ooooh , i almost forgot bill murray's exquisite role as the down-trodden lawyer who agrees to defend dillon in court . murray actually added that extra little spice of humour that allowed this film to affirm its position as a quirky little noirish tale of sex , greed and mystery . little known facts : neve campbell specified a non-nudity clause in her contract ( she's also born in guelph , ontario . . . go hoser ! ) director john mcnaughton says he deleted a scene that would have shown matt dillon and kevin bacon showering together , as it was gratuitous . kevin bacon plays in a band with his brother , called the bacon brothers , is married to actress kyra sedgwick , and has a game based on him called " six degrees of kevin bacon " . how many of us would become strippers ? for those of us who wouldn't , is it a moral reason , or purely a lack of confidence ? that's probably not a fair question , and for a lot of us , it could very well be for neither of those reasons . as you watch the full monty , however , you may begin asking yourself these kinds of questions . would you be willing to grin and bare it to bring in some much needed dough ? in case you haven't guessed , the full monty is about stripping , but striptease it ain't . it's actually quite a charming comedy that uses its ideas with a great deal of tact and sophistication . it is the story of six out-of-work , out-of-shape blue collar brits whose recent job losses have left the boys penniless , but not without need . what to do ? it hits our main character gaz ( robert carlyle ) as he notices the large crowds of women who pour into a local male strip club on a regular basis . it seems that simple : take it off and bring in the cash . eventually , gaz is able to convince his friends to join him in starting their own exotic dance routine despite their initial reluctance . these include the overweight , confidence-lacking dave ( mark addy ) , the uptight , overly-officious gerald ( tom wilkinson ) , the once suicidal lomper ( steve huison ) , and two additional fellows who gain their place among the group by audition : horse ( paul barber ) , an older gentlemen chock full of graceless energy , and guy ( hugo speer ) , a young well-endowed looker who compares himself to cary grant . when the sextet is complete , we're given a hefty dose of physical comedy . we watch the bumbling middle-aged men choreograph pseudo-sexy dance numbers , all the while proving why none of them were strippers in the first place . as if there anti-appeal wasn't enough , they decide to boost interest in the group by promising " the full monty " on opening night , which for us americans , means baring it all . . . and i mean * all * . the movie actually ends on opening night ; a hilarious applause worthy ending i might add . it's sure to leave nothing short of a big smile on your face as you leave the theater . with the subject matter , you might not expect the fully monty to be such a feel-good , almost inspiring film , but it surprisingly turns out that way . the amount of light , touching drama also comes as a nice surprise , never feeling off-balance from the otherwise highly upbeat moments of the film . there's a lot more to this movie than you might think in other words , and the ensemble cast couldn't be better . each character is completely individual , interesting , funny , and most importantly , real . the full monty is never offensive , a very impressive attribute since its subject matter alone could've easily fallen prey to tastelessness . it's one of those movies that is best described as a solid piece of entertainment , perfect for a great night on the town , or as a saturday night movie rental . either way you see it , it shouldn't let you down in the slightest . and , pun heavily intended , when it's all said and done , you'll be smiling from cheek to cheek . director dominic sena ( who made the highly underrated kalifornia ) and producer jerry bruckheimer ( the rock , armageddon ) bring us a slick and entertaining remake of the 1974 film of the same name that absolutely no one has ever seen . nicolas cage plays memphis , a retired car thief who's " pulled back in " to the business by an evil car thief overlord ( christopher eccleston ) determined to kill memphis' kid brother ( giovanni ribisi ) . memphis is ordered to steal 50 cars in four days time or his brother will meet an unfortunate demise , all while having to elude the detectives hot on his trail and a rival car thief who feels the job should have been given to him and his gang . memphis sets out to put his old crew back together , but discovers that most of them have retired as well . gone in sixty seconds does things right from the opening credits . in that sequence , we get a rockin' little tune from moby , along with some simple back story told only with photographs and assorted objects . filmmakers can sometimes make or break a film just from its opening title sequence , and this one easily gets you in the mindset for an entertaining ride . and what follows doesn't disappoint . . . cage turns in one of his good performances here ( he can easily go either way . . . good or bad . . . i don't know how he does that ) , and his mannerisms and dialogue delivery carry the film along nicely . of the supporting cast members , angelina jolie as memphis' former love is in the film just to provide eye candy ( she's definitely the hottest looking grease monkey i've ever seen ) and robert duvall as memphis' former mentor is just around to lend the film some class . also , i'm a big fan of will patton ( armageddon , the postman ) and would love to see him get a huge role someday . none of these three performers are given much to do unfortunately . some underrated performers however are given meaty supporting roles . delroy lindo ( get shorty ) shines as the exasperated detective in pursuit of memphis , as does timothy olyphant ( go ) as lindo's partner . i just wish some of the other characters could have been as important . the only real gripe i have about the film though is its conclusion . . . mainly because you know how it will end before the opening credits even roll . there's no doubt in anyone's mind that the 50 cars will be successfully stolen , and the filmmakers blew a perfectly good opportunity to add some suspense to the picture by using the " rival car thief " plot line . as it stands , that story line is wrapped up about halfway through the film in a tidy little package . but if i was making this film , i'd have had the rival gang trying to get to the cars before memphis and his crew , thereby making memphis have to improvise . . . thereby adding some meat to the plot . the finale is essentially just a big car chase , and there just aren't ways to make car chases interesting anymore . it's all been done . the chase is also shot and edited in that " jerry bruckheimer action sequence " kind of way that leaves the audience wondering what specifically is going on in the scene . sure it's a car chase , but what exactly are the particulars of it ? it's very hard to tell . finally , there's a stunt during this scene that comes close to challenging the " bus jumping the ramp " sequence from speed in the " oh , i don't think so . . . " department . despite those minor complaints , gone in sixty seconds is pure summer movie entertainment . it's not thought provoking , but it's shiny , loud and fun . . . just what a summer flick should be . [pg-13] books could be , and indeed have been written about the star wars trilogy , and rightfully so . this is a set of movies that shattered all expectations of what science fiction could be in the late 70s/early 80s , inspiring literally dozens of clones , from battlestar galactica all the way up to stargate and independance day , and one could argue revitalizing the whole science fiction genre . the special effects were groundbreaking , revolutionary for their day and still eminently watchable well into twenty years later . literally millions of people have seen the star wars trilogy and been touched by it . and now , george lucas brings it back for a new audience to enjoy . much has been and is still being made of the fact that mr . lucas has gone back and revised his trilogy for rerelease now . some fans are angry that he has dared to meddle with what they consider perfection , while others are thrilled by the idea of seeing yesterday's star wars updated with today's special effects wizardry . either way , the special edition release means that star wars is back on the big screen , where it rightfully deserves to be seen . can there be anyone in the world who doesn't know what star wars is about ? in a way , star wars is so much a part of our cultural heritage that it feels silly and almost artificial to try to summarize it . it's a story about a young man's coming of age , a fight for freedom against an oppressive empire , a tale of swashbuckling and derring-do the likes of which haven't been seen on the silver screen in decades , strange new worlds with strange alien creatures and weird surprises around every turn , and the yearning within each of us to realize our dreams and make a difference in the world . it's high adventure , incredible special effects , and . . . well , it's just an _experience_ . something about this movie sparked the imagination of a generation . . . and it's about to do so again . this new release of star wars comes as no surprise to many of the film's devoted fans , who have been trading rumors and bits of information about it for quite some time now . interviews , trailers , leaks from within lucasfilm . . . all of these have been collected , collated , and placed on webpages for people to see ( pages such as http : //www . islandnet . com/~corona/films/details/sw4 . html or , my personal favorite , http : //leopard . cs . latrobe . edu . au/~koukoula/ ) . pictures of before and after have been placed side by side . . . even months before the movies were released , fans were making comparisons . in some cases , the changes were nothing less than phenomenal , and this can be seen from the comparison shots even before you go into the movie theater . the digital matte effects that were little more than a toy in forrest gump are put to excellent use here , unnoticeably sprucing up scenes that that george lucas was unsatisfied with in the original . for instance , in my personal favorite example , the ancient temple on yavin that was formerly a flat stone edifice now has deep , moss-covered carvings and etchings . and mos eisley spaceport is now a bustling , booming city , with more surprises and things going on in the background than you can notice on the first viewing . all the starships and fighters are now computer-animated , getting rid of glitches and artifacts of the special effects processes used when the film was originally made--and they look _fantastic_ . four and a half minutes of new or missing footage have been added , including a scene with jabba the hutt that had originally been shelved because the state of special effects in 1977 simply couldn't do it justice . however , much of the ten million dollars that was spent on the star wars special edition restoration went into restoring the quality of the film itself . the negatives , badly damaged by the ravages of time , were brightened and returned to their original splendor . the audio tracks were remixed and reprocessed , with reworked sound effects by effects maven ben burtt , into glorious , booming , theater-shaking full-thx dolby digital stereo . and _that_ , more than the added scenes or new special effects , is where the real value of this new version lies . it's really true what they say in the commercials : star wars loses _so much_ on the small screen . even letterboxing doesn't make up for the decrease in size and definition . in regard to the star wars special edition , and to the other two films of the trilogy which have yet to be released , i'll make this final recommendation : go and see it . go and see it more than once . . . it may be another twenty years before it comes back to the big screen after it's gone this time . take along the youngsters who've never had the big-screen star wars experience--you'll enjoy seeing it through their eyes as much as they will enjoy it for the first time . there's magic in this movie--special edition or no , there can be no denying that it's still star wars , and still has the power to thrill and enthrall children of all ages , from four to four hundred . let's all return to that time long ago , and that galaxy far , far away . . . eddie murphy has had his share of ups and downs during his career . known for his notorious late 80's slump , murphy has still managed to bounce back with a handful of hits in the past few years . with the exception of the dreadful holy man , he appears to be on pace for a full-fledged comeback . life was a great move on the part of murphy and co-star martin lawrence , because it's a great showcase for both actors that never resorts to slap-sticky drivel . director ted demme is smart enough to realize that the two comedians can generate enough genuine laughs on their own , and doesn't insert a distracting plot to back them up . life is , in a sense , one great balancing act with murphy on one end and lawrence on the other . amazingly , the scale never tips in either's favor due to the marvelous chemistry and wonderful contrast that each actor allows the other . as the movie opens , we're introduced to ray gibson ( eddie murphy ) , a two-timing pickpocket who schmoozes his way into a club . there he meets a successful businessman named claude banks ( martin lawrence ) . somehow , after multiple contrivances , the mismatched pair find themselves on their way to mississippi on a moonshine run . when all is said and done , ray and claude have been framed for a murder that was actually committed by the town sheriff . hence the setting of life : mississippi state prison , where the main characters come to realize their unlikely friendship is important , and become set on finding an fool-proof escape plan . the film takes us from the 30's all the way to the 90's , presenting a difficult task in showing how the aging process affects ray and claude . luckily , rick baker handles the makeup effects of the two actors in a fantastic , academy award caliber manner . not only do we believe the characters look as if they're 90 years old , but they sound like it , too . murphy and lawrence are completely convincing in the lead roles , even as crotchety old cons bickering over a game of cards . this is just one of the pleasant surprises that the film has tucked up it's sleeve . while the ads are marketing life as a straight arrow comedy , there is a hefty amount of dramatic material hidden at it's core . but the comedic aspects work wonderfully , wisely drawing strength from the talents of the two stars . the movie is more of a comedy than it is a drama , but in both senses , it's an overwhelming delight . i could say a few bad things about the movie , but i don't want to . it's such a nice surprise , such a great vehicle for eddie murphy and martin lawrence , that it warrants a huge smile as the credits begin to roll . cinematically speaking , gordon parks' original 1971 _shaft_ is not a great film . a bit slow at times and more than a little rough around the edges as it builds to its climactic explosion of violent action , this spirited but formulaic yarn that initially brought ernest tidyman's " black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks " to the big screen hardly qualifies as groundbreaking filmmaking . yet nearly 30 years after its original release--and long after the genre it spawned , " blaxploitation , " died with that decade--the 1971 _shaft_ remains an extremely entertaining watch , never having completely escaped pop culture consciousness . the reason for this is the same one that explains the film's connection with moviegoers far beyond the target african-american audience : the title character of john shaft . while the fact that the strong , smart , virile , and superbly suave shaft is black is the primary factor for his historical and cultural significance , his broad-based appeal stems from an idea that transcends race : he is comfortable , confident , and proud about who he is , and anyone who had a problem with that could simply kiss his ass . this fact also explains why john singleton's y2g revival of john shaft is as enjoyable as it is . much like the film that started the franchise , this _shaft_'s plot doesn't score points in the originality department , but the energy level and smooth attitude distinguishes it from standard crime thrillers . contrary to what has been reported over the past few months , this _shaft_ is not a remake of the original film , but more of a sequel/spinoff . the star audiences know and love from the original film and its first two sequels ( 1972's _shaft's_big_score ! _ and 1973's _shaft_in_africa_ ) , richard roundtree , once again plays john shaft , who still runs a private investigation firm in new york city . however , the focus of the film lies on his same-named nephew ( samuel l . jackson ) , who , as the film begins , is a cop whose take-no-crap demeanor constantly leaves him at odds with his superiors . when a privileged young man named walter wade jr . ( christian bale ) accused of a brutal , racially-motivated murder is allowed to be released on bail , a disgusted shaft leaves the force and decides to take matters into his own hands as a p . i . but that's easier said than done , for also standing in the way of shaft and his way of justice is peoples hernandez ( jeffrey wright ) , a dominican gangster who is hired by walter to rub out waitress diane palmieri ( toni collette ) , the only eyewitness to his crime . peoples--or , rather , wright is also the big obstacle in jackson's way toward commanding this film . peoples is more of an outrageous comic character for most of the running time , and wright is insanely funny during these stages . however , he isn't so funny as to make the character come off as goofy and buffoonish , and peoples' eventual turn to more serious villainy is seamless and believable ( which probably would not have been the case had he been played by original casting choice john leguizamo , who bowed out before filming ) . it's no easy task to steal a film from the jackson ( who is his usual captivating , charismatic self here ) , but that's exactly what wright does--and makes it seem effortless . then again , with such a talented ensemble surrounding him , it is not too surprising that jackson's impressive star turn doesn't quite tower over the rest ; he is strongly complemented not only by wright but all his other co-stars . bale has already proven his ability to play an uppity killer in _american_psycho_ , so it only follows that his performance as a similar , less exaggerated character would be spot-on . collette lends the film some convincing and welcome dramatic weight as the frightened , conflicted diane . busta rhymes brings some good laughs as shaft's sidekick rasaan . registering not as strongly--but through no fault of their own--are vanessa williams ( as tough narcotics cop carmen vasquez ) and a dismayingly underused roundtree ; they simply are given little to do in the script credited to richard price , singleton , and shane salerno . ( jackson also has little to " do " in a sense ; some throwaway footage during the opening credits aside , his shaft doesn't even have one sex scene . ) that singleton once again proves his ability with actors is an especially good thing since he's not really an action director . this is not to say that he does a bad job with the numerous gunfights and the requisite foot and car chases . they move well ( as does the film as a whole ) and are reasonably exciting ; it's just that there's nothing terribly inventive about them . these set pieces are functional in the way the script is : they work well enough , but they're unsurprising and conventional . but if there's anything that a _shaft_ movie does well , it's make the familiar look cool--and this _shaft_ keeps that tradition alive . from the slick title sequence--scored , of course , to isaac hayes' ever-infectious oscar-winning theme song , which singleton wisely sprinkles throughout the film--on , the film looks great and easily sweeps the viewer into its world with its energetic bravado . even a common visual trick such as employing fancy wipes for scene transitions not only feels unforced , it feels necessary . style doesn't exactly make for a great film , but when it comes to _shaft_ , that's of little consequence . what matters above all else is having a good time , and the latest _shaft_ should be just the first of many fun rides to be had with this bad mutha--shut your mouth . uncompromising french director robert bresson's " lancelot of the lake " achieves the exact opposite effect of sir thomas malory's " morte darthur . " instead of enshrining the legend of king arthur and his knights of the round table , it dethrones them by revealing arthur as a weak , ineffectual leader and the knights as a group of jealous , bickering men who failed to live up to the legends prescribed to them . chivalry has no place in " lancelot of the lake , " except as that of a dying ideal . bresson begins his tale as the knights of the round table are returning , decimated , after failing merlin's command to retrieve the holy grail , the mystical cup that was filled with christ's blood . bresson immediately gives us his impression of the essential meaning of the grail quest : bloodshed and failure . the opening sequence is a series of clumsy , disjointed fights amongst anonymous knights -- a head is hacked off , a stomach is impaled , a skull is split open , skeletal remains hang from trees , and burning bodies smolder in the ruins of a flaming house . since the film starts with camelot in near-ruin , and takes only an hour and a half to arrive at its inevitable conclusion , it doesn't carry the grand , tragic resonance of other arthurian films . we never get to see camelot at the peak of its power , therefore there is no real downfall to witness . but , then again , it is not the name of camelot that is evoked in the title of the film . rather , it is lancelot , and bresson is more interested in the internal battle within his heart , than the external downfall of a kingdom . lancelot has always been a tragic figure in the arthurian tales , and bresson uses him as the central figure to explore the battle between the spirit and the flesh . the greatest of all knights , he was flawed only in his love for arthur's wife , queen guinevere , and it was that illicit affair that eventually caused the downfall of camelot . even when lancelot attempts to end the affair with guinevere ( laura duke condominas ) , he only finds himself falling back into her arms against his better judgment . he knows it means the destruction of the idealized kingdom , but he is powerless in his passion . when sir mordred ( patrick bernhard ) accuses lancelot of the affair , other knights , including sir gawain ( humbert balsan ) spring to lancelot's defense . it is this battle within the knights that is the eventual undoing of the round table ; the flesh wins out over the spirit , and the consequences are dire . bresson is an intensely personal filmmaker most interested in the interiors of men's hearts and minds . " lancelot of the lake " is filled with his particular trademarks : a stripped-down , minimalist style , flat , expressionless dialogue , and a grand use of natural sounds in place of music . he uses background music only twice in the film , during an opening narration segment and during the opening credits . the music here is a heavy drumbeat and accompanying bagpipes , but the rest of the film is scored with natural sounds that punctuate the film's thematic elements : the incessant clanking and creaking of heavy armor , the neighing of horses , the rhythm of hooves beating down dirt roads , and the natural chirping and whispering of the forest . like most of his other films , bresson employed nonprofessional actors who recite the dialogue in emotionless , flat voices . all the actors he used in " lancelot of the lake " had never acted before , and with the exception of patrick bernhard , they never acted again . never once do they raise their voices or put any emphasis on a given word . instead of using vocal inflection , bresson strove to create emotion through images . in some ways , this technique works ; in other ways , it doesn't . the final montage of arthur's men battling each other is quite marvelous , and the final image of the knights in shining armor reduced to a literal scrap-pile sums up the entire film in one moment . however , other times bresson's uncompromising methods are distracting and questionable . for instance , during an important jousting contest , bresson films the majority of the action so that the only things visible are the horses' legs . he does this repeatedly , opening each shot with the same few notes from a bagpipe and the raising of a different flag . while there might be symbolic value in this , the resulting experience of watching it can be bothersome . nevertheless , " lancelot of the lake " is a fascinating cinematic experience boldly made by a master filmmaker . bresson's style may not be for everyone , but one has to respect his strength as an artist . by re-evaluating the arthurian legends and making them his own , he turns " lancelot of the lake " into something rare in modern cinema : a truly personal film . capsule : the best place to start if you're a jackie chan newcomer . roars along , never stops for breath , and frequently hilarious . to talk about jackie chan as a " stuntman " is to miss a million things . jackie is not only one of the most accomplished and fearsomely unafraid physical adepts on the screen today , but also a very funny guy . he reminds me of the way arnold schwartzenegger * used * to make me laugh -- he's funny just standing there , copping a look . supercop has jackie making us laugh , scream , duck , root , and gasp for breath , often all in the same scene . it's actually the third in a loosely related series of movies , each with jackie playing kevin chan , a hong kong policeman who has a knack for getting neck-deep into trouble and then karate-kicking his way out of it . ( the others are also worth seeing . ) it's a little slow to start , but once it gets moving , it's a field day . the movie has a fairly sophisticated plot for movies of this kind . kevin is tapped for a dangerous dea assignment to be accomplished in mainland china , which requires him to collaborate with the attractive ( and ass-kicking ) chief fo chinese security ( played here by the ever-enjoyable michelle yeoh ) . there's a fun chemistry between the two of them , especially in an early scene where she tries to brief him and he keeps making wondering comments about how great she looks in that uniform . kevin is assigned to help spring a known gangster from jail -- all undercover , of course -- and have him lead the two of them to a noted drug boss . the drug boss , however , has problems of his own : his wife's on trial for many of his own crimes , and she's got the key to an account with all of his drug funds . this means , of course , endless trouble -- not the least of which is that kevin bumps into his girlfriend while he's out in the field , and she sees him with this other woman , and . . . but that's one of the movie's unique pleasures : the way it crosses from action to comedy effortlessly . action . there is , of course , non-stop action in this movie -- everything from one-on-one kung fu to all-out gun battles to a sppedboat with eight engines ( ! ) outrunning the hong kong coast guard . there is also a virtuoso climax , which features , among other things , jackie danging from a ladder tied to a helicopter , a wrong-way freeway chase ( which requires michelle to do an awesomely difficult handstand stunt ) , a fight on top of a moving train that also involves the 'copter as well as a motorcycle . you get the idea . this is to action movies what a burger with everything on it is to fast food : quick , enjoyable , filling . watch it with friends . when they stop making movies like this , the world will be a tad greyer . the calendar year has not even reached its midway point , but that hasn't prevented columbia pictures from trotting out a lavish period drama more befitting of the winter oscar-bait season . bille august's high-profile adaptation of victor hugo's classic les miserables delivers everything one would expect from a classy hollywood epic--handsome production values , strong performances by a top-notch cast , a literate screenplay--with one critically missing element : emotional sweep . for those not familiar with hugo's original novel or the hit stage musical it inspired , the hook of les miserables essentially boils down to something like a 19th-century french-set version of the fugitive . after serving 19 years in a prison work camp for stealing a loaf of bread , the brutish jean valjean ( liam neeson ) is paroled . immediately upon release , he steals valuable silverware from a kindly bishop who takes him in for a night ; he is caught by authorities , only to be forgiven by the bishop , who lets valjean keep the silver to start a new life on the straight and narrow . that he does , and in doing so breaks his parole , which sets the obsessively determined inspector javert ( geoffrey rush ) , who was one of the guards in valjean's prison camp , on his trail . thematically , however , les miserables is a story about redemption , which valjean finds through his dealings with two women , the hard-luck factory-worker-turned-prostitute fantine ( uma thurman ) , and her illegitimate daughter , cosette . years after breaking parole , valjean becomes mayor of the town of vigau , where he forms a warm friendship with fantine after saving her from an unjust arrest by javert . valjean promises the gravely ill fantine he will rescue the young cosette ( mimi newman ) from her cruel caretakers , the thenardiers , and raise the child as his own . the " father " and " daughter " eventually land in paris , where the teenage cosette ( claire danes ) falls for dashing student revolutionary marius ( hans matheson ) . the decades-spanning story is the stuff that cinematic epics are made of , and the danish august turns in his most accomplished english-language work , following the underrated 1994 superstar soap the house of the spirits and last year's stylish but highly preposterous mystery smilla's sense of snow . he and screenwriter rafael yglesias bring the sprawling tale into clear focus and keep the events moving at a brisk pace . production designer anna asp , costume designer gabriella pescucci , and cinematographer jorgen persson give les miserables a sumptuous period look whose accomplishment is mostly matched by the efforts of the cast . neeson is commanding yet endearingly vulnerable ; rush's finely modulated menace is far more rewarding than his overrated , oscar-winning theatrics in shine ; and thurman disappears nicely into her highly unglamorous role . the younger members of the cast fare less well . danes is convincing as cosette , but her overdone lip quivering during her crying scenes becomes a distraction ; and matheson , while competent , is a less interesting robert sean leonard . as technically adept and cerebrally engaging the film is , by the time les miserables was over , my emotions had only been superficially involved . while i was touched by valjean's relationships with fantine and cosette , i was not moved . not even reaching the " touching " level is the cosette-marius pairing . my only previous experience with les miserables is with the musical ( as i am sure many others' is ) , and i was dismayed to see eponine , a friend of marius's who selflessly dies in the name of her unspoken love for him , almost completely jettisoned from this adaptation ( the daughter of the thenardiers , here she is only briefly seen as a child ) . her presence would have added some much-needed conflict and emotional heft to the youthful romance , but i suppose august and yglesias felt one tragic heroine ( fantine ) was enough . even so , as 1998 creeps into summer blockbuster season , les miserables is a thoughtful , well-made , entertaining film , one that will sate moviegoers hungry for a dose of drama before popcorn no-brainers invade the multiplex . an entertaining 2 hours awaits the audience in this film set in the early 80's . sevigny and beckinsale play disco chicks alice and charlotte , who are on the lookout for love . alice is mousy , shy , intellectual , charlotte is bitchy , out-going and fun . we join their adventures as they go through a variety of adventures , and men , all to the background of the local disco . whit stillman has both written and directed an interesting and believable story . alice and charlotte are both well written characters , and the actresses who play them aren't bad aswell . sevigny delivers an honest performance , and makes the audience feel for her character . beckinsale plays extreme bitch personified , yet her character never becomes completely unlikeable . the huge supporting cast also play a part in making sure this movie is thoroughly entertaining . the dialogue is sharp and well written , with many funny set pieces . for example , there's a great discussion about lady & the tramp by the main characters . the disco tunes playing in the background also make sure that this admittedly long film is good fun . the direction is good , bringing out the drama and comedy in the scenes . but their are slight flaws with the movie . firstly , although it is supposedly set in the 80's , the characters are very , very 90's . the way they dress and act have a very 90's feel to them . although the male hairstyles look slightly 80's , frankly the 80's atmosphere just wasn't conveyed , which is a shame . also , as mentioned above , the film is too long , and some parts do lag . the charm of the characters do help these moments , but generally the editing could of been a bit tighter . the plot also side-tracks into a silly cocaine dealing bust , which seemed out of place in this movie . finally , their are almost too many characters in the film , and despite the running time , the film never really spends enough time on them . some of the characters are very slight , which is a shame . the conclusion , while funny , is also surprisingly weak , and certainly not strong enough . but despite these qualms , the last days of disco is a funny , warm movie , which is certainly worth seeing , and is a fitting homage to the disco era of the 80's . worth a look . overall rating= review by david wilcock ? 1998 " you know , for kids " - norville barnes gordon fleming ( peter mullan ) is in a bind . he has a new , unexpected baby and his business , hazardous material removal , is in danger of going under . when he and his crew get a job opportunity at the long-abandoned danvers state hospital , he underbids the competition to secure the contract and promises to get the three-week job done in one . it will prove to be a fateful week for them all in " session 9 . " gordo gets the job to remove asbestos and other hazardous materials from the spooky old mental hospital in preparation for relocating town offices there . their guided tour of the facility by a local official , bill giggs ( paul guilfoyle ) , brings them through some of the creepier parts of the former asylum . but , a job is a job and , if they finish in a week , as promised , there is a $10000 bonus in store . as they get down to their work , things , normal and not so normal , begin to happen . gordon hears a disembodied voice beckoning him . phil ( david caruso ) is conflicted working with a guy , hank ( josh lucas ) , who is seeing his old girlfriend . mike ( co-screenwriter steven gevedon ) has discovered a cache of audiotapes and transcripts from old psychiatric sessions ( hence , the title ) with inmate mary hobbs , a multi-personality patient with a dark secret . gordo's nephew , jeff ( brendan sexton iii ) , suffers from night phobia and is afraid to venture into the dark bowels of the hospital . as the agreed upon week draws to an end , hank mysteriously disappears from the workplace after a nocturnal confrontation with someone ( something ? ) in the hospital . tensions mount and distrust build among the rest as they watch their chance for the bonus start to slip away . but , there is more , much more , at stake as the hospital and its history of insanity weigh on them all . i don't want to give away too much of the story of " session 9 , " so i'll stop there . what we have here is a spooky horror flick that uses none of the jump-out-at-you-from-the-dark cheap shots that have become part and parcel with horror films since the advent of " halloween " and " friday the thirteenth . " there is no cat leaping out of the dark or the shock of suddenly seeing oneself in a strategically placed mirror . with the exception of one shadowy and chilling image at one point spooky interlude in the film , there is little that you can get your arms around as far as what , specifically , is " frightening . " as i watched " session 9 " i became aware of the subtle things that built up during the story that make it a true horror movie . the striking high-definition video camera work by uta briesewitz ( who worked with the director , brad anderson , on his " next stop wonderland " ) helps to build up tension with close-ups , fluid camera movement and odd angles in a way that would make alfred hitchcock proud . music , too , is used to intense effect , joining with the camera to make simple scenes frightening , even horrifying . couple these tech feats with an intelligent story that uses elements of " the shining , " " the blair witch project " and , even " the texas chainsaw massacre " and you get a decent , intriguing horror flick . additionally , the brilliant decision to shoot at danvers state hospital gives the film another starring character , the institution itself , which lends even more chills to the equation . acting is another factor that raises " session 9 " above the usual dreck presented in recent horror hits like " scream , " " i know what you did last summer " and their sequels . those films took good-looking , though generic , young actors and actresses and put them to use to build up a body count , substituting mayhem for real horror . anderson opted , instead , to use mature , experienced actors like peter mullan and david caruso to fill his characters' shoes and the difference in casting quality is notable . mullan , in particular , puts an arc on his character , gordon , as the troubled guy who slowly and inexorably falls under the pressures of family , job and , finally , danvers state hospital . the rest of the small cast fit the bill as people , not just fodder for the mayhem . david caruso , as gordo's senior man and near equal in the business , shows just how good an actor he is . he made the jump from tv's " nypd blue " to film far too soon and his decisions in the roles he took ( i'll never forget the horrendous " jade " ) were less than star making . he rolls his sleeves up and does the job well here . gevedon , lucas and sexton are more than fodder , too . the only problem with " session 9 " lay in the uninspired ending . it takes on a fairly conventional finale that covers old ground and is a bit of a disappointment after the terrific ( and inspired ) build up . the pleasure is getting there and i wish that anderson and gevedon had kept up the steam they had so ably built during the bulk of the film " session 9 " is an unusual feat . it is scary , doesn't use cheap tricks and raises goose bumps with its intelligently rendered , subtle horror . because of the local interest of danvers , it should do well with the northeast crowd . i hope it gets the national distribution it deserves . i give it a b+ . the latest epos from lars is a blast , although a rather moody one . this lovestory is situated in a small town in the rough dreary cliffs in the vestern part of scotland in the 1970 something . the church ( calvinistic ) is so strict that the church bells has been removed from the clocktower , they are considered being too unrestrained . in these surroundings we find the to-be-weds jan and bess , played by stellan skarsgaard and the remarkable new movie actress emily watson . jan is on leave from the oilrig and bess . . is just bess , a bit naive and innocent ( in every aspect of the word ) , at first . at the wedding party we are told an anecdote , illustrating her infinite kindness , she once lend a bike to an stranger , her best friends bike however . but bess is suffering in this scary religious society . we soon take part in a funeral where a man , fallen off the orthodox path , is laid to rest while doomed to hell . women are not allowed to attend funerals or speak up in the church . when the end of the honeymoon approaches we see bess idolizing jan in such an intend , almost manic , that her friends try to calm her down a bit . the time has come when jan is to return to the rig , bess is falling into the darkness of depression , her yelling of grief and sorrow are heard above the breaking of the waves . she can't stand the thought of life without her husband . we witness her dialogues with god ( she speaks both parts , paranoia ? ) convincing god to return jan from the oilrig , and her prayers are heard . an accident on the rig bring him back , paralysed from the neck and down . now he can't satisfy her need for physical love , he try to persuade her into finding a lover , with the ulterior motive to make her describe these affairs to him in every detail . at first she resist , but her love for jan and his assurance that this will make him recover more rapidly make her comply . imagine what this is doing to the poor girl ? the story is cleverly divided into eight chapters parted by beautiful pictures made by danish artist per kirkeby , accompanied by music from the era ; procol harum , deep purple , t-rex and others . the use of hand-held camera and lack of any make-up make the characters solid and help to separate this movie from others in the sentimental genre . the incredible performance from the actors makes the movie brilliant , though a bit too gloomy for my taste . i would say that it is in the genre of betty blue ( 37 . 2 le matin ) and bitter moon ( lunes de fiel ) . emily watson as bess and katrin cartlidge as her best friend dodo deliver outstanding performances , this must be the reason for giving it the " grand prix du jury " in cannes this year ( although we had hoped for the " palme d'or " ) . the screenplay is now available in print , the transformation being made in the period from ultimo may to july , just in time for the danish premiere . anastasia contains something that has been lacking from all of the recent disney releases . . . ( especially hercules ) . . . emotion . all the wacky characters voiced by celebrities and fantastically animated adventure sequences aren't going to hold anyone's interest unless there is an emotional core to hold it all together . not since disney's beauty & the beast has there been such a compelling animated film with interesting characters and drama that works . the story of the romanov family , the rulers of russia , and their downfall begins the film . anastasia , one of the daughters , narrowly escapes the mad monk rasputin ( voiced by christopher lloyd ) with her grandmother ( voiced by angela landsbury ) . but anastasia gets lost , and grows up with no memory of her royal origins . the grandmother lives in paris , hoping to someday find her beloved anastasia , the only member of the family to survive the russian revolution . a young woman named anya ( voiced by meg ryan ) runs across dimitri ( john cusack ) and vlad ( kelsey grammar ) , who are trying to put together a scheme to create an anastasia to fool the grandmother and get the reward money . they pick anya to pose as their princes , and of course , it is soon revealed that anya is in fact the lost anastasia . dimitri realizes that he can never win her love as he is a commoner , and meanwhile , rasputin is not dead , and plots his revenge against the last romanov . the plot is actually quite well structured . there are a lot of complexities that may have to be explained to the kids later , but it moves along fast enough that they'll never have time to be bored . what this really means is that the adults won't be bored by it either . there is a great deal of banter between anya and dimitri that is very funny , and their relationship develops quite naturally as the film progresses . there is , of course , lots of comedy for the kids , including rasputin's pet bat , bartok ( hank azaria ) , who is easily the funniest thing in the film . however , the comical scenes never distract from the drama , but are worked into the plot almost seamlessly . the animation is gorgeous - the characters seem to come to life through the talented animators . not since beauty & the beast have animated characters had so much life to them . even without the voices , they act . the musical number in paris is a show-stopper , with some of the backgrounds rendered in an impressionist painting style . as with all recent animated features , there are songs , however , these songs do more than just provide fodder for top-40 singers to get on the radio ( although there are three of them during the end credits ) . the songs are all very catchy , and advance the plot , instead of just being showpieces ( except for the paris number , but that's so much fun , it's okay . . . ) . i can't reccomend anastasia highly enough . it's a wonderful film that ranks right up there with other animated classics . kids and adults alike will enjoy it , and it's also nice to have a quality animated feature film from another studio besides disney . i can hear the question already . what on earth do these two movies have in common ? to most people , not a lot , except that both are by renowned directors . as i saw them , however , both movies have flawed romantic scripts wrapped in distinctive packaging of lavish visuals musical numbers . but oh , how differently the packages affect their films . while " everyone's " production numbers make an otherwise ordinary woody tale something special , jane campion's imaginative visuals only serve to emphasize how pompous and uninvolving laura jones' script is . i left " everyone says i love you " not remembering a lot about who loved whom , but its infectious happiness put a grin on my face . i left " the portrait of a lady " not remembering a lot about who loved whom , and i could have cared less . " everyone " features nothing allen hasn't done before storywise . woody is again desperately in love with a beautiful woman ( roberts ) , and against the odds they manage to click for awhile before allen is left wondering what went wrong--again . similar situations happen to his family and friends . some of the more outlandish comedy scenes even hark back to his " early , funny " films . the scenes between tim roth and drew barrymore could have come out of " take the money and run , " his directorial debut . however , nothing allen has ever done prepared me for this one-of-a-kind display of sheer good spirits . in fact , in this movie , the feeling itself is what's most important . yes , the movie would have been better--among his very best , i think--if it had a meatier story . but what it lacks in substance it makes up for in feeling . and what better way to express feeling than through music ? love is often best expressed in a song , and the numbers the cast break into here cut straight to the heart . some are a tad too goofy , such as the number where a lot of ghosts prance around in a funeral parlor , but i admired allen for even putting them in there . it also helps that as usual , allen has a top-flight cast working with him . their singing voices range from quite good ( goldie hawn ) to not quite good ( allen ) to literally unlistenable ( barrymore , whose real voice was dubbed by a professional ) . but while their vocal abilities differ , all the actors do a great job of putting joy up there on the screen , and making it rub off on the audience . granted , some people will simply never accept characters singing in movies , but for those attuned to it , this film should work wonders . jane campion , too , has a top-flight cast working for her in " portrait of a lady , " too , but even their considerable skills can do nothing to keep the film from being a stilted , virtually lifeless mess , albeit a visually interesting one . campion and her cinematographer stuart dryburgh come up with a great variety of eye-filling images that linger in the mind . unfortunately , what didn't linger in the mind for me was the story the visuals were supposed to be reflecting . i remember very well shots of a train with its light beaming and shots of men vanishing around nicole kidman , but i can remember very little of what happened between all these people . even worse , i don't find myself feeling bad that i've forgotten . the problem , i think , lies not with the cast , which seemed to be trying very hard for the material . it was the script that couldn't convince me to care about anyone . the characters were putting out all kinds of emotion , but i found no reason to connect with any of them . i understood that the story was about cold , emotionally vacant characters , but for me to care about them , i have to identify with them somehow and want them to inject feeling into their lives . jones' script never simply gave me that opportunity . in the end , it almost seemed as if campion was trying to inject some life of her own into the proceedings with her visual flourishes . unfortunately , as she kept painting these dazzling pictures , they only served to push me further away from the material and remind me that there was no connection between me and the film . in the end , the movie's one strength ended up hurting it . so here we have two films with pretty uninteresting plots , and yet i was able to truly enjoy one of them . why ? with both films , my head cared about neither story , but only " everyone says i love you " was able to make my heart sing . you've got to think twice before you go see a movie with a title like maximum risk . the title is generic . it's meaningless . and i can't believe it's good business . when you pick up the phone and dial 777-film , how in the world are you supposed to remember that the new jean-claude van damme movie , the one that looked kind of cool in the trailers and is directed by some chinese hot shot , is called , geez , maximum risk ? yuck . the movie itself deserves your attention . for sweet bloody thrills , this one beats the summer blockbuster competition hands-down . only mission : impossible came close to delivering as skillful a thriller , and i'll give maximum risk the edge simply because it's not as slick as the tom cruise picture , and therefore more gratifying in its execution . much to my surprise , van damme continues to develop as a pleasant , unpretentious action hero . his track record isn't as solid as schwarzenegger's , but he's a hell of a lot more adventurous than arnold . in 1993 , van damme worked with hong kong's premier hardcore action director , john woo , on a fairly lame movie called hard target . ( if you can find a bootleg copy , woo's radically different director's cut is much better than what was eventually released . ) this follow-up is directed by ringo lam ( city on fire , full contact ) , whose hong kong films are distinguished action pictures that have consistently played second fiddle to woo's more operatic offerings . the surprise here is that maximum risk is a more effective hollywood action flick than either hard target or woo's subsequent broken arrow . here's the rundown . van damme plays a french cop named alain moreau who is shaken when a policeman friend ( jean-hugues anglade ) finds a corpse that's alain's exact double . turns out alain was separated at birth from his twin brother , michael , who has been killed by some russian heavies ( and some strangely american looking cops ) . alain does some investigating . he finds that michael had booked a flight to new york city , and received a message from someone there named alex bohemia . assuming michael's identity , alain flies to new york and gets tangled up with michael's girlfriend ( natasha henstridge ) , the fbi , and the russian mob in little odessa . that's as much as you need to know . the story is adequate , but not overly involving -- and the major plot points are basically explained to you twice , just in case you go out for popcorn at the wrong moment . there's a love story , too , but i didn't find it terribly convincing , partly because ex-model henstridge is too high-strung in her high-profile debut ( she had precious few lines as the alien ice queen in species ) . she's great to look at , and she can certainly read a line , but what she does here can't really be described as " acting . " of course , " acting " isn't really what she was hired for ( i lost track of whether her shirt comes off more often than van damme's ) . the movie is exceptionally violent , bordering on gratuity . ( keep that in mind when planning your date . ) the stunts are spectacular , and the fact that you can spot van damme's stand-in makes his work no less impressive . there's only so much you can do with a car wreck , but this movie makes crisp , effective use of pile-ups in a handful of frenzied destruction derbies . and lam has a surprising , innovative sense of exactly where the camera should go to catch any bit of action . the main difference between lam and woo , i believe , is that while woo relies on sheer spectacle to gas up his action show pieces , lam has figured out more about using cinematic space and double-barreled points of view to make things run . don't get me wrong -- when chow yun-fat soars through space pumping bullets out of two pistols and chewing on a toothpick with glass and confetti littering the air around him in woo's hard-boiled , it's an amazing moment . but it's a moment that's hard to reproduce in hollywood . ( for one thing , hollywood doesn't yet have chow yun-fat ! ) while woo's hollywood movies look like the work of a talented upstart , maximum risk is a surprisingly confident picture . the very first shot of the film is an awkward overhead view of a chase through the streets of a european city , but lam's use of odd camera angles becomes more efficient later on . the film editing is a particularly savvy complement to lam's shooting style , accentuating rather than amplifying the action . the performances could have used some fine tuning ( in particular , there's an annoying , overwritten manhattan cab driver in the early scenes who should have been toned down or jettisoned completely ) , and the movie doesn't always overcome the limitations of its genre . the story is a little mundane , although there are some effective moments involving van damme's unrequited feelings toward the brother he never knew he had . but it's not often that hollywood cranks out a truly satisfying action picture , and it's doubly surprising that this one should come with a mere whisper of publicity . van damme fans should treat themselves to what may well be the man's best movie , and international action buffs will no doubt savor this flavorful hong kong/hollywood hybrid . in many ways , " twotg " does for tough-guy movies what la confidential did for police stories . there's savviness in its writing and a mature patience in allowing the material to unfold . but , i suppose , we wouldn't expect less from christopher mcquarrie , who was responsible for giving us " the usual suspects " . his writing talents are still in tact as he brings to us a bloody yet intellectual tale of two unabashed but dimwitted thugs and a plan gone awry . the two goons are parker and longbaugh ( ryan phillipe and benicio del toro ) . these two men show the hardened wear of those who have always had it tough . their troubled youths have forged two nihilistic souls who use their amazing gunplay skills to survive . given the choice of minimum wage or petty crime , they'll always choose the latter . yet , they are incredibly foolish planners . actually , these two never really have a plan . they just improvise along the way , hoping that their bravado and arsenal of guns will take care of anything that they might have overlooked . their next scheme , which they cook up about as fast as a mcdonald's burger , is to kidnap some surrogate mother named robin ( juliette lewis ) that was hired by some well-to-do family . if all goes well , they'll receive a nice bit of ransom money and life goes on . what parker and longbaugh do not realize is that robin is carrying a baby for the chidduck family , whose patriarch is a feared crime boss . moreover , two bodyguards ( nicky katt and taye diggs ) constantly escort her . these two protectors find an eerie sense of pleasure when being confronted and tested in life and death situations . they would rather die than fail ; thus their bravado level is equally high . but it seems that the testosterone levels of parker and longbaugh are a bit higher , and they employ some unusual but fun-to-watch tactics to pull off the kidnapping and to outrun the pursuers in a sort of slow-motion car chase down a series of alleyways . the next hour or so , we watch the chidduck camp regroup and assess their situation . during this time , additional plot lines come into play and more and more details are revealed . because the chidduck's can not go to the police and because of the special circumstances involving the kidnapping , we are introduced to more characters that will help to influence the outcome . we discover that not everyone in the chidduck camp is loyal to the cause . as a result , there are undercurrents of a conspiracy , and elements of betrayal and subterfuge . the sepia-toned atmosphere is made all the more fascinating thanks to a terrific soundtrack which emits velvet forebodings , shrills of intrigue and crescendos that tell us of life and death situations that are about to occur . the momentum and the coolness of the film , however , begins to fizzle in the last 30 minutes , which featured an overly extended shootout where our two desperados try to make their way off with the ransom money . you can expect lots of bloodletting and an odd denouement . in fact , you may admire this film more than you like it . yet , for the most part , " the way of the gun " stays on target . it feels cool with its elements of conspiracy and gunplay , and smart for its invective dialogue and tough guy poetry . marie ( charlotte rampling , " aberdeen " ) and jean ( bruno cremet , " sorcerer " ) are a comfortable , sixty-ish married couple looking forward to a peaceful vacation at their second home in lit et mix . on their first , full day , marie sunbathes as jean goes for a swim . hours later , marie's initiated a full scale search when jean hasn't returned , but no trace of him is found . marie returns to paris and resumes her life , including chats with jean at the end of each day in francois ozon's " under the sand . " marie's ex-pat british friend amanda ( alexandra stewart , " frantic " ) and her french husband gerard ( pierre vernier ) try to snap marie out of her denial with a dinner party , where they introduce her to the handsome vincent ( jacques nolot , " nenette et boni " ) , yet marie suggests that gerard accompany her and jean to their gym the next morning . eventually marie does begin dating vincent , but she discusses him with jean and even smiles at jean , hidden behind a bedroom curtain , when she makes love to vincent . slowly , though , reality continues to chip away at marie's fantasy life . her bank advises her that without access to jean's account , she needs to reduce her spending . one of her university students ( she's reading virginia woolf's " the waves " ) turns out to be one of the young men who participated in the beach search . then police arrive asking her to identify the clothing of a body they've found washed up from the ocean . that night , jean's not at home when she returns to their apartment . her mother-in-law ( andree tainsy ) cruelly insists that jean simply abandoned her out of boredom . finally , marie goes to the police , insisting on viewing the body . horrified ( she's been warned it was in an advanced state of putrefaction ) , she laughs when handed a bagged watch , insisting that this is not her husband . " under the sand " is a character study and melancholy portrait of aging ( 'i've lost my youth , ' marie declares ) and loss . charlotte rampling , given the chance to portray an older , yet still sexual , woman runs with it , bringing us into the mind of the character . her chemistry with bruno cremet is startlingly natural . as marie returns from her first date with vincent , she sits on the couch with jean . 'did he kiss you ? ' he asks . the mood the two create is incredibly intimate and sad . ozon ( " water drops on burning rocks , " " see the sea " ) , who cowrote the script with emmanuelle bernheim , marcia romano , and marina de van , has turned in a more mature work than his previous , creepy " see the sea . " while he cleverly never lets us see jean enter the water that fateful day , leaving a number of possibilities - accident ? , suicide ? , escape ? - open , he definitely tips his hand towards a certain outcome . cinematography by antoine hiberli and jeanne lapoirie ( " water drops on burning rocks " ) glides around marie ( their 180 shot as she initially searches the ocean's horizon for a sign of jean conveys her panic ) or captures rampling's exotic face in mood divining closeup . in an inventive fantasy scene , marie imagines jean's hands massaging her feet while in a state of auto-arousal . his two hands become four , then more combined with her own , becoming almost a one person orgy and recalling roman polanski's " repulsion . " original music by philippe rombi quietly adds to the overall melancholy . " under the sand " is a unique portrait of loss . it would make an fascinating double bill with liv ullmann's " faithless " from earlier this year , another character study of a woman facing loss for different reasons . is it just me , or have disney films gradually lost their appeal ? i was almost stunned by the quality of " who framed roger rabbit ? " , a fun , unique look at a world where cartoons and people lived together . " the little mermaid " harkened back to , and perhaps surpassed , the classic disney animations from the first half of the century . however , the endless stream of " the little mermaid " wanna-be's is getting to me . you know the spiel : a lame plot recycled from some well-known story , colorful , almost psychedelic animation , the lead character who learns a valuable moral lesson , the comedic sidekick/sidekicks , the seemingly unattainable love interest , a few catchy songs , a few in-jokes for adults , and the occasional out of place warner-brothers-coyote-fall-off-the-cliff type joke . it's a formula , and like any formula , it gets tiresome . that's why i'm delighted to hear that disney recently picked up the international distribution rights to the works of ghibli , a japanese cartoon studio . from what i've seen of their movies ( " kiki's delivery service " and the already english-dubbed and american- distributed " my neighbor totoro " ) , foreign audiences are in for a treat . these movies , particularly " kiki's delivery service , " are wonderfully original and entertaining . " kiki's delivery service " starts with an unusual premise : kiki , upon hearing forecasts of clear skies , decides it is time for her to leave home . this is unusual because kiki isn't a college student or a young adult making her start on the world , but a thirteen year old girl eager to begin her training as a witch . her mother is also a witch , and as thirteen is the obligatory age for such training , her parents treat her leaving understandingly and put up only token resistance . just the idea of a witch heroine may scare away some audiences , but no mention is made of the occult , and the subject is dealt with harmlessly throughout the movie : kiki's mother acts as a village doctor , and kiki is able to do no more than fly on a broom . kiki must choose a city to move to , and what she chooses is the co-star of the movie : a german seaport town , far removed from the country life she has been used to . initially lost in the impersonal hugeness of her surrounding , she's discouraged , and unable to support herself though her rudimentary skills as a witch . on the verge of leaving for a new town , she uses her power of flight to deliver a pacifier to a baby who dropped it . the favor eventually blossoms into her working as a courier , a one-persons delivery service . this is where the movie becomes shockingly good . kiki's job is a catalyst for her realizing the beauty of the city and the world around her . the townspeople she is put in contact possess an inner worth that doesn't seem forced or artificial , but merely derived from looking at ordinary people in a different light . they're three- dimensional , impossible to quickly evaluate , possessing of faults , and understandably reserving in kindness towards a strange girl . however , each one has something about them , some interest or trait , that makes them interesting and unique . the personal beauty of the citizens is complimented by the beauty of the surroundings : the seaport town genuinely looks impressive , capturing the european charm of a medieval city adapted to the more modern needs of the 1950's . this beauty is beauty with depth ; for every detail left in , dozens are only hinted at . i could probably go on all day , but i won't ; suffice it to say that many of these minor details could have been the highlight of the movie . some of my favorites are kiki's relationship with the baker's husband : although he's quiet , never shown speaking to kiki throughout the movie , and he initially scares her , his kindness wins her friendship . in the garage of a deliveree's house can be found a vintage model t . two old ladies have a relationship evolving from master-servant to friend-friend . such details gives the impression that the beauty shown in the movie is only the tip of the iceberg . added on top of this is a lesson on the importance of self-worth . kiki initially seems to derive much of her self-worth from the beauty of her surroundings and the people around her , but an encounter with a rude girl crashes down her bewonderment , making her question the importance of such beauty . this causes kiki to lose faith in herself . however , kiki comes to realize not only the beauty of her surroundings , but the innate beauty inside her . seeing kiki regain faith in herself is marvelous , and the principal device used to do it is so sublime that i don't even want to hint at it . the ending of the movie has a subtle charm combined with a sense of awe and , ironically , the most disney-esque moment i've ever seen ; if you don't hold your breath in wonder you might want to get medical attention . the movie steers free of many of the disney conventions : there is no violence , however cartoonish , no song-and-dance number , and kiki's pet cat jiji is more a friend than a comedic sidekick , although jiji is given many funny lines and scenes . however , i would be surprised if disney doesn't give jiji more jokes , or at least the voice of some comedian . refreshingly enough , the moral lesson of the movie is not self-contradicted , a habit disney movies have gotten into . " beauty and the beast " 's beautiful belle , for instance , learned that beauty was derived from a person's inside , and was then rewarded by having the beast turn into a handsome prince in snazzy clothing . kiki , on the other hand , learns to separate her wardrobe from her self-image , and nothing more is made of her early desires for better clothing than illustrating her increased maturity at the end of the film . another difference with disney movies is in the style of animation for " kiki's delivery service " : not as colorful and dynamic as disney animation can be , but with a greater attention to realism and detail , it fits the movie to a t . this is particularly true with scenes of kiki's flights . the extreme realism of the birds in flight near kiki is magnificent to behold , and helps these scenes capture the wonder of flight better than any other film i've ever seen . i'm not sure when or how this movie will be released in the united states . disney tentatively plans a theater release of " monoko hime " shortly following the summer '97 japanese release , and should start releasing the other ghibli films after that . i'd guess that some will be released on video and some will be theatrically released in peak seasons with no competing disney release . although the wait is unfortunate , it's good to know that it's being released at all , for " kiki's delivery service " is definitely a movie worthy of widespread promotion and release . watch this movie . along with " man bites dog , " and perhaps something by woody allen , this is the best movie i've ever seen . insane ( but inspired ) musical about alferd packer , the first man ever tried for cannibalism in america . as the story unfolds we learn what events led to packer ( trey parker ) supposedly killing and eating the five men who got lost while accompanying him through the mountains of colorado in search of gold . throughout , packer must contend with evil trappers bent on stealing his prized horse , a tribe of `ute' indians that doesn't seem quite on the mark , and a terrible winter storm that leads to the eventual cannibalism . parker obviously knows his musicals very well , because the viewer is also treated to some of the most maddeningly catchy songs to appear in a film ( he would accomplish this again in his post-cannibal ! musical motion picture , south park : bigger , longer , and uncut ) . apart from the inherent interest of seeing a pre- " south park " parker and stone in their first effort , cannibal ! also offers up some pretty decent laughs . the aforementioned `ute' indian tribe that packer's group encounters is a definite highlight , as are two rousing musical numbers about snowmen ( one of which ends on a comedically deadly note ) . stone's humphrey character steals the show , especially when complaining about the prospect of having to `eat butt' or revealing what's underneath his muff cap . jason mchugh's character of mr . miller is the stand out performance though , as he offers a hilarious dissenting voice to the proceedings . as i mentioned before , parker's songs are very catchy . you'll be hard pressed to get `it's a shpadoinkle day' out of your head once you've heard it ( incidentally , the braniff logo that appears at the end of every " south park " episode is scored with a few notes from this song ) . other songs you'll find yourself humming include `when i was on top of you' ( a love ballad ) , `the trapper's song' ( the villains leit motif ) , and `hang the bastard' ( the rousing finale ) . thankfully , none of these songs are quite as embarrassing to find yourself singing in public as south park : bigger , longer & uncut's songs are . released as a pick-up through troma studios , the film is available on videocassette and dvd . the videocassette includes an intro by the beautiful jane jensen and an interview segment with lloyd kaufman , discussing his admiration for parker and stone and the fact that they had been hired for a zucker brothers film ( which turned out to be the hilarious baseketball ) . there are also multiple trailers for upcoming troma films . as for the dvd . . . well , that's a different story . probably one of the best dvd packages of the year ( and potentially of all time ) , cannibal ! the musical ! the dvd is a massive achievement . presented in 1 . 33 : 1 ( full frame ) only , the disc has the usual troma inclusions : the tour of troma , the troma intelligence test 2 , trailers for upcoming releases , but where the disc truly shines is in its cannibal ! specific extras . the first thing i must note is , the transfer is about as beautiful as any i've ever seen on any disc . the picture is crisp , clear , and free from any noticeable artifacts . add to that one of the funniest commentary tracks i have ever heard , featuring trey parker , matt stone , jason mchugh , dian bachar , and andy kemler getting drunker and drunker as the track continues and you still haven't scratched the surface of the extras . there's also behind the scenes footage of the shooting of the film , a clip with trey , matt , and lemmy ( of the band motorhead ) from the film terror firmer , an index for easy location of all of the songs in the film , and finally , an index of all the songs as performed by the cast of a stage production of cannibal ! . it's good to see this film finally get the treatment it deserves . kudos to the entire production staff at troma and aix for making one of the most entertaining dvds i have seen in a very long time . allen , star of many a brian depalma movie in the early eighties , has a brief , throwaway part towards the end of " out of sight , " as the maid of a crooked financier . in keeping with her past performances , allen wears little more than a green velvet victoria's secret ensemble which begs the question , did they really need a costume designer for this ? " out of sight " is not likely to secure ms . allen the kind of plaudits bestowed upon pam grier , who likewise returned from out of obscurity to appear in another recent elmore leonard adaptation , " jackie brown , " but it is intriguing to see her name kicking off the " also starring " credits given her limited screen time . the real stars of " out of sight " are george clooney ( " batman & robin " by way of " e . r . " ) and jennifer lopez ( " selena " ) , whose winning chemistry , coupled with steven soderbergh's freeze-frame directorial technique , help the film retain the charismatic charm of leonard's original work . with the success of " get shorty " three years ago , filmmakers have realized that adapting an elmore leonard novel can be an easier proposition than trying to dream up a storyline from scratch . in " out of sight , " clooney stars as jack foley , a career criminal who specializes in unarmed robbery--he just waltzes into banks and politely makes a withdrawal , claiming that his " partner " ( just another customer it so happens ) will shoot the manager if the teller doesn't comply . for all of jack's nice-guy charm though , he's not very lucky . his latest scam lands him in florida's glades correctional facility . federal marshal karen sisco ( lopez ) coincidentally arrives at the prison just as jack and his buddy ( ving rhames , typically appealing ) are breaking out . there's a brief struggle and jack bundles himself and karen into the trunk of the getaway car . it's in these cramped confines , pressed intimately together , that jack and karen start falling for one another . the mutual attraction continues as the couple on opposite sides of the law slip in and out of one another's grasp . karen follows jack to detroit , where he's about to pull off another heist , this time a cache of uncut diamonds from incarcerated businessman richard ripley ( played by a toupee-sporting albert brooks , almost unrecognizable in the prison scenes ) . it's during this final caper-gone-awry that allen makes her scant appearance . clooney's range as an actor is limited , but he has undeniable charm . lopez , too , is easy on the eyes , but she demonstrates more depth in her portrayal of karen , a tough yet tender professional . she dispenses with hit men as easily as she out-maneuvers sleazy pick-up artists in a bar . especially cute is a sequence in which karen fantasizes about jack in a motel bathtub . admirably supporting clooney and lopez are don cheadle as fellow felon maurice 'snoopy' miller , steve zahn as the perennially stoned glenn michaels , and dennis farina as karen's dad , who affectionately buys her a piece . add a couple of uncredited cameos from " jackie brown " cast members and " out of sight " proves to be a lot of fun . not as hip and clever as " shorty , " perhaps , or as complex and colorful as " brown , " but loads of fun nonetheless . synopsis : in phantom menace the galaxy is divided into power groups whose interests will inevitably collide in later sequels . there is an overarching galactic united nations-type organization called the senate presided by a weak chancellor . within the senate two camps are at odds : a bickering , isolationist alliance called the republic and their aggressive rival the trade federation . preserving law and order are a council of jedi knights who are meanwhile searching for a prophesied chosen one of virgin birth . manipulating events behind the scenes is a dangerous , reemerging clan called the dark lords of sith , so shadowy and secretive that they comprise a " phantom " menace . jedi knight qui-gon jinn ( liam neeson ) and his apprentice obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor ) witness an invasion of teenage queen amidala's home planet naboo and befriend a gungan named jar jar ( ahmed best ) . on the desert planet of tatooine the two jedi , jar jar , and amidala ( natalie portman ) attend a lengthy drag race involving the young boy anakin skywalker ( jake lloyd ) . the five protagonists try to solicit help for freeing naboo by visiting the city planet of coruscant where a lot of debate and political maneuvering takes place . can they free amidala's helpless planet ? opinion : on tv last night i watched young , wannabe celebs pay $400 a ticket and come running out of theaters to bask in front of news cameras , gushing with testimonials of the phantom menace's greatness in exchange for a few seconds of being on national television . given this kind of media mania i wondered if phantom menace , the most anticipated movie of 1999 , could possibly live up to the extraordinary hype that preceded it . does phantom menace match the exaggerated hype ? director george lucas answers , " it's only a movie . " to me , any movie with russian-sounding accents for bad guys , jamaican accents for good guys , and middle eastern-sounding accents for seedy gamblers accents can be expected to be more tongue in cheek than profound . visually , star wars : episode i --the phantom menace ( 1999 ) is a kid show where parents can take their young ones to marvel at child-friendly cgi characters and wondrous backdrops even if the character dialogue ( mostly geopolitics ) is beyond the level of children . it is left to parents to patiently explain the conversation : droid origins , family lineage , the definitions of terms like blockade , appeasement , federation , alliance , symbiosis , satellite-controlled robots et cetera . at least this much is clear : there's plenty of eye candy , and in the last few minutes it's good guys and joe camel lookalikes versus a caped , horned red devil character and his mechanical hordes . weaknesses : weaknesses lie in the writing and in the performance . at first it seems like the film is to be an invasion story , but then phantom takes an hour-long detour to cover one chariot race before returning to the invasion theme . this dilutes the central story . additionally , smaller scenes seem written self consciously , as if they were added more to fill us in on extraneous background information for other movies rather than form an integral part of the present movie . veteran actors liam neeson and ewan mcgregor noticeably outperform the other acting leads . better ensemble chemistry between the five leads and background information that is central to a tight story line could have made have given phantom stronger performances and storytelling punch . strengths : on the bright side phantom menace as a big-budget production is far ahead of the competition in terms of making whimsical creatures , worlds and vehicles appear real . the film boasts sophisticated , top-of-the-line visuals and quality exotic costumes , a musical score entertaining enough to stand alone , and three worthwhile sequences in the second half . bottom line ? seeing the film is entertaining and informative , like a visual theme park with star wars filler information serving as dialogue between impressive money shots . we are bound to be completely inundated by star wars publicity , music and tie-ins for the next few months . at one point during brian de palma's crime epic scarface , the radiant michelle pfeiffer turns to a ranting al pacino and pops a question that the audience has no doubt been wanting to ask for themselves : " can't you stop saying 'fuck' all the time ? " fucking good question , that . it may not be an honour that instills the filmmakers with pride , but as far as i can tell oliver stone's script contains the said expletitive more times than any other film in cinema history . yet it would be a shame if bad language is all de palma's scarface is remembered for , because this is a damn fine gangstar flick . the overall structure is similar to howard hawks' 1932 original , but this time the scene has switched to miami , florida and our anti-hero's chosen vice is cocaine traffiking . pacino , sporting a thick cuban accent , gives one the best performances of his career ( golden globe nominated ) as tony montana , a cuban refugee with a criminal past who flees castro and comes to america to live the american dream . and live it out he does , with lashings of violence , abuse , murder and the funny white powder . from his earliest jobs as a drug runner for various middlemen , tony montana makes it clear to everyone he meets that he's not a man to be fucked ( sorry ) . soon he's the king of the cocaine heap , but his hot head and an increasingly out of control drug addiction prove his undoing . " never do your own stash " , warns one character early in the film . as sure as night follows day , the emperor of miami eventually falls . writer oliver stone and director brian de palma make an explosive combination here . stone's script offers solid storytelling and some fine character development . montana is fascinating ; uneducated but calculating , a straight shooter who speaks from the heart ; an ambitious , violent man yet one with a conscience . a man fiercely protective of his beautiful 20 year old sister , not wanting her to be sucked into the glitzy , dangerous world which he inhabits . pacino is dynamite , taking to the role with a brooding , bristling energy which in his more recent films has often degenerated into just simple overracting . pfeiffer also registers strongly as the gangstar mole with no inner life . only once does tony express real affection for her and his desire to have children , and even then you sense all he really wants is a regular screw and a beautiful object to show off to his friends , and she's happy to oblige . this isn't as meaty a role for pfieffer as sharon stone's was in casino , but its an effective one nonetheless and she aquits herself well . as director , de palma sets up a number of dramatic scenes with his typical stylistic brauva . the escalating tension he creates in various mob situations - a drug deal gone wrong , an assination attempt - is often thrilling , and in this respect he is every bit the equal of scorese and coppola . where he differs from , say , coppola's godfather trilogy is in his overall treatment . coppola gives his crime sagas an operatic sweep , whereas in scarface de palma opts for a grittier feel . and it perfectly suits the material . the only major botch is giorgio moroder's mostly crap synthesier score . it's just not right , and unfortunately compromises the impact of some otherwise good scenes . as expected , scarface is very violent at times , but you shouldn't be watching gangster movies if that upsets you . at over two and a half hours in length it's a true epic , and if you're a fan of the genre you'll love f * * k-filled minute of it . for any groom on the verge of proposing marriage to his girlfriend , there are certain rules that he needs to follow . firstly , fill her life with happiness and romance during the courtship . secondly , buy her a beautiful ring that glitters as brightly as her eyes . thirdly , find the perfect moment and location to propose . finally , the groom-wannabe should probably get her parent's blessing . of these four , the last one can be a nightmare . meeting parents is a rite of passage , fraught with unexpected questions , bouts of nervousness , the reality of being disliked , and the inability to make a positive impression . if you're lucky , things will go smoothly . but , if you're greg focker ( ben stiller ) , everything will go wrong . and with a name like that , how could it not ? when greg first meets his fianc ? e's father , jack byrnes ( the grimacing robert deniro ) , greg immediately feels overwhelmed and is put on the defensive . when he tells jack that he's a male nurse , the incorrigible dad shoots back , " not many men in your profession , huh , greg ? " it's definitely not a good start . but greg is determined to win him over , and it's this desire that fuels the movie . he first takes small steps such as agreeing to say grace before dinner . it doesn't matter that he's jewish . if daddy byrnes asks him to say grace , then that's what he's going to gamely do . " oh god . . . you're such a good god " , he moons . his discomfort at trying to force out a simple prayer will make you chuckle , but when jack gives him the " deniro squint " ( that familiar , unsettling gaze that gives deniro that aura of invincibility ) , it's pretty hard not to grin . things get progressively worse for greg . and that's too bad because he's a genuinely likable guy with a romantic heart . eventually , he begins to try so hard that he starts to mess everything up , committing a host of gaffes that embarrass , humiliate or injure other people . it's a never-ending ordeal of missteps , miscues , and mistakes . he buys some champagne , but uncorking the bottle leads to disastrous circumstances . he tries to find jack's missing cat . but his method of solving the problem leads only to more trouble . and there are several other episodes , each one trumping the next in outrageousness . the more our well-meaning beau screwed up , the more the audience groaned in sympathy . we liked greg . and , we liked this movie . " meet the parents " is a farcical comedy that certainly has its moments . just sit back and watch greg get into trouble . no matter what the situation , whether its playing a harmless game of water volleyball or sneaking a smoke on the roof of the house , things will horribly go wrong . we laugh at greg's expense , but love often makes a person do dumb things , and ben stiller has the knack of playing the romantic fool . deniro is also affable , tough on the outside yet sentimental on the inside . their tug-of-war is often funny , the slapstick is elaborate , and there are several topical throwaway gags ( mostly targeted at the airline industry ) to make this film an amusing yet smart lampoon about future in-laws from hell . i like movies with albert brooks , and i really like movies directed and written by albert brooks . lost in america and defending your life are two of my favorite comedies . his humor is of a kind that is not very prevalent in movies today , inundated as we are with films which revel in their aim toward the lowest common denominator . you will rarely see any slapstick in an albert brooks film , while the dialog will not be as oppressive as in some of the independent " talk films " which are finding their way into theaters . the situations in which his characters find themselves are ones we can often identify with , but even if we can't , brooks has the talent to make them comfortable , and therefore we laugh . teenagers and jim carrey fans probably won't find an albert brooks movie very funny , but people who look for more than what we could find on television probably will . put simply , brooks' comedy is intelligent . mother is albert brooks' latest film , and it does not disappoint . brooks plays john henderson , a middle-aged science fiction writer just coming off his second divorce . he makes an attempt at dating , but fails miserably . he then has dinner with his brother jeff ( rob morrow ) , a successful sports agent who seems to live the ideal life . jeff has a good job , a loving family , and most of all , a warm relationship with their mother beatrice ( debbie reynolds ) . after dinner , john witnesses a telephone conversation between jeff and beatrice , and is at the same time amazed and sickened by how hunky-dory the dialog is . in comparison , beatrice always hints at a fault in john and his career every time she talks with him , and john gives it right back to her . at the end of one of their conversations where beatrice has just picked apart john's life , she says , " i love you , " and john replies with , " i know you think you do . " the thing is , beatrice is not overt with her criticisms , but instead gives them in that mothering way which is tantamount to nit-picking and guilt loading . it's the kind that goes something like , " yes , dear , i think you do that wonderfully , but . . . . " it seems as though nothing he does makes her happy . there's always the big but . john believes that his mother is somehow connected to his failed relationships with women , either because of his flawed self-esteem caused by his need for validation , or perhaps because he tends to unconsciously seek out women who remind him of his mother in an oedipal manner . he comes to the conclusion that since his problems are rooted in his boyhood home , he should move back in with his mother for a while just to see what kinds of feelings come out , and by that be able to sort out why his life is the way it is . " a great experiment " , he calls it . brooks' own brand of humor really shines in this film , especially in the interaction john has with his mother . there's a scene where john has just arrived at his mother's house , and after having driven from los angeles to sausalito , and having explained to his mother about the " great experiment " , beatrice asks , " now explain to me again why you don't want to stay at a hotel . " she still doesn't get it , and it is absolutely hilarious . in the same scene , we get little glances at the life his mother leads when she tries to feed him food that is no longer fresh . she apparently buys in great quantities and refrigerates it until the lettuce is wilted and the sherbet is iced over . when john points out the ice on the sherbet , beatrice tells him not to worry about the protective glaze . " you've named the ice ? " asks john . he's also surprised at the variety of items beatrice keeps in the refrigerator , such as a twenty-pound block of cheese . " the freezer was a good invention , " says john , " but it's not supposed to be used for everything . that's why it's smaller than the refrigerator . " it's something most of us find strangely familiar . brooks is also a master at employing the non sequitur . for example , in defending your life , his and meryl streep's characters are in a comedy club having a discussion . when they're finished and walk out , brooks cuts to the comic on stage who is just at the point of delivering his punch line , " and so the moral is , if you have to fart , go outside ! " you don't know what the joke was because you couldn't hear him during the entire scene , but i must have laughed for the next five minutes , it seemed so out of context . in this film , brooks uses the same trick a couple of times to open or close a scene . i don't want to give them away , but suffice it to say they work just as well as they have in the past . john's purpose for staying with his mother is to learn , and we as the audience learn right along with him . his mother is not the fascinating type to begin with , but as john spends more time with her , we learn things about her personality and her lifestyle that give her depth . watching the character of beatrice unfold is every bit as enjoyable as the humor that accompanies it each step of the way . on screen , brooks does an excellent job playing this kind of character : you get the feeling he often believes he is the only sane person in an insane world . in a way , he's very much like yosarian of catch-22 , expect with something of an attitude . casting debbie reynolds as beatrice is perfect . she assumes the part with ease , even moving and speaking a little slowly , and is just so adorable it's hard to get mad at her character . this only helps the audience to share the frustration john feels when dealing with her . as his first choice , brooks originally wanted to lure nancy reagan out from her acting retirement to play beatrice , but the former actress and first lady could not leave her husband , who was beginning to show symptoms of alzheimer's disease . that may be just as well , since reynolds lends a softness to the character which enhances it immensely . rob morrow also does a good job at playing the younger brother who has always been mother's favorite and , for all his success in his job and family , is slowly exposed as a mama's boy . the only things that hold this movie back from being better are a couple of plot holes . a solid connection is not really made between john's troubles and his reasons for living with his mother . additionally , the end results of the experiment do not necessarily jibe with the stated goals , and although this may have been sloppy screenwriting , how can you be mad at the guy who also wrote this ? : beatrice : you must think i'm some kind of moron . john : no , i think your someone who thinks i'm a moron . beatrice : well , it takes one to know one . ( note : there are spoilers regarding the film's climax ; the election , of course ) we see matthew broderick , a man torn to a primal state ; he's been unfaithful to his wife , lied to and manipulated his students , and by the same token they've demeaned his masculinity , his self-respect , his desperate attempt at changing the world . and yet , he equates the cause of his pain , his torment , with tracy flick ( reese witherspoon ) . no matter how many students have come and gone , and disappointed him as an educator , she's the real threat . about to give in , and divulge that she's won by only a lone vote , broderick's mccalister turns in defeat , sees tracy's euphoric celebration in the outside corridor and says , 'no' . the fact that he simultaneously lusts after her ideologically further illustrates that freudian foundation of entitlement which all men , no matter how obscure , have in their relationships ; a traditional expectation of success , to usurp and surpass women as a proverbial industry . she can't go higher than him . he won't allow it . and what's amazing about " election " is that every word of that criticism is drawn from a rather opaque metaphor . early in the film we learn that tracy was romantically , and then sexually , involved with a now departed teacher . it's like payne and taylor , his co-screenwriter , have taken tracy , a girl desperate for friendship , loyalty , and almost perversely drawn the mythological pattern of kids who were so utterly rejected by their peers , that they found sitting at the teachers' lunch table more fitting , to an unlikely extreme with her as the protagonist . and it's amazing the compassion that we have ; it seems so real to us , and not merely because it's happened before , splashed all over the front pages , but , because of the all around " nice " persona of these people , we easily dismiss the truly wayward deeds of the characters . it's with mandy barnett's " if you'll be the teacher " playing winsomely over the closing credits that payne skewers the tenets of his detractors most ; a final , viscous injection of bittersweet irony . sexuality , though , is not the only basis for payne's satire , or its success . it also makes a telling point about politics , friendship , and class boundaries . satire is required ( or ought to be , anyway ) to take itself seriously , or act so , while the audience does not . it's a fine line to straddle , but some films ignore it altogether ( " drop dead gorgeous " leaps infuriatingly to mind ) . payne and taylor hit the right chord ; their characters are real people : neither is perfect , but rather both of the leads are flawed , misguided individuals who retain , somewhat , noble intentions at heart . we sympathize with them , but still , as a satire , their idiosyncratic behavior , and their wrongdoing , is taken to an extreme for the audience to knowingly chuckle , but also reflect and meditate , about . minus half a point , though , for payne admitting not to having seen " ferris bueller's day off " . whatever . martin scorsese's films used to intimidate me . because of his reputation , i felt obligated to appreciate them as deep film art rather than as great flicks . as much as i enjoyed them , i usually felt like i missed something . i learned from scorsese's casino that whatever techniques he uses are merely there to enhance the story . no mystical interpretation is required to appreciate his movies . for example , in casino he uses subtitles when robert deniro and joe pesci are using code words with each other . there was no meaning more exotic than that subtitles were the most succinct way for him to tell the audience what was really going on . or toward the end , when he uses three quick dissolves to compress a scene of a car backing away from a building . again , the simple , mundane explanation is that it helped the pacing . i don't mean to say that his techniques are not creative or good-looking . but he simply uses the best tool for the job . it shouldn't have surprised me , then , that kundun , a film about a mystical religion , actually turned out to be quite straightforward . the movie follows the life of the 14th dalai lama , the spiritual and political leader of tibet . the movie's title is another name for the dalai lama which means " ocean of wisdom . " his story is told in strict chronological order and there are only a few cinematic visions to embellish the literal story . ( one of which makes an interesting statement : pay attention to the film's opening shot and watch where it is repeated . ) we first glimpse the dalai lama when he is two years old . his curiosity and self-assuredness capture the attention of a monk wandering in search of the new lama . a test is arranged to see if this boy really is the reincarnation of the 13 dalai lamas who have gone before . several items belonging to the previous dalai lama are laid before the boy alongside some other items . the child is asked if he recognizes any of the items as his own . the boy picks correctly , proving that he is the new , and the old , dalai lama . scorsese and long-time editor thelma schoonmaker were kind enough to allow the possibility that the child was taking his cues from the monk . before selecting an item , he would look at the monk , perhaps for some sort of confirmation . sometimes he picked right the first time , and sometimes he made a second choice . either way , whether through reincarnation or quick human perception , the tibetans were assured of choosing a boy who could be a wise , perceptive leader . >from this point on , the boy is raised as the reincarnation of the lama's spirit and the future leader of a nation . it is a great weight to put on the mind of a child . in the u . s . it might be grounds for a call to social services . but the young lama accepts his destiny without any apparent emotional damage . neither the great power nor the awesome responsibility keeps him from becoming a genuinely likeable , well-rounded person . certain patterns take shape over the years . for example , the dalai lama is fascinated by technology . radios , clocks , and telescopes are some of his favorite toys . when he is old enough to accept his leadership , he makes plans to modernize isolated tibet . he also has a soft spot for creatures who are suffering or in pain , including herd animals . it's nearly a running gag that he will buy sheep to keep them from being herded to slaughter . but the most ominous constant throughout his life is the presence and threat of tibet's gigantic neighbor , china . tibet and its leaders prove correct in fearing china , as , first the propaganda , then the political pressure , and finally the armies , come across their common border . the chinese invasion is so successful that the lama's life is in danger if he stays . the movie ends when , after much agonizing , the dalai lama leaves tibet for india . the story doesn't lead up to a cinematic climax as strongly as most feature films do . it just doesn't fit that mold . if it were forced into such a shape it would have been a completely different movie ( perhaps more like seven years in tibet , which is good in its own right ) . the pacing of kundun is more calm and level than that . the structure of the film is made to fit the characters and events , not vice-versa . perhaps because the pace is slower , we have more time to notice the beautiful art , vestments , and architecture of tibet . a mandala , ( tibetan sand painting ) with beautiful , vibrant colors is shown throughout the movie . the robes and hats of state are bright red and gold . the bricks are a rich reddish brown , not unlike the skin tone of the tibetans . even the touchstone pictures logo before the movie ( which is usually light blue ) is the red and gold of tibet . philip glass composed the music for kundun , and he was the perfect choice . for those who don't know of glass , his music is like a tibetan mandala . his building blocks are lots of small notes , tiny grains of music , which are first grouped , then repeated in patterns . these patterns create interesting textures which are themselves part of a larger composition . people won't be flocking to kundun for it's great ending , or talking about its outstanding plot , but it does have a lot to offer : an interesting lifetime , exotic sights , rich cinematography , and innovative music . it gives interesting insight into tibetan buddhism and takes a warm look at the dalai lama as a person . on top of it all is the cinematic mastery of martin scorsese , who gives the film a strong , beautiful , consistent look . robert redford's a river runs through it is not a film i watch often . it is a masterpiece -- one of the better films of recent years . until 1994 , it was my second favorite film of all time . the acting and direction is top-notch -- never sappy , always touching . a friend of mine once reported that he avoided it because " i was afraid it would just be really politically correct , and tick me off . " all i could do was tell him to go in unbiased , and enjoy . it is one of the few movies that has completely reduced me to tears . but certain memories should not often be rereleased -- in the last few shots , you have to cry . upon my first viewing i left bawling . it is not flawless -- but it is so very good , that you can't help but be effected . the opening is dangerously nolstalgic and sentimental -- watching these shots of people who have been dead so long , gives you a feeling of perspective and history observation that you will find in very few other films . martin scorsese once described the movies as a dream state -- like taking dope , and immersing yourself in an alternative world . that is what a river runs through it does . it exploits the unique power of cinema to engross you and help to forget your real self . both times i've seen it , its been hard ( again to quote scorsese ) waking up . but the dream is lovely . richard gere is not one of my favorite actors . however , i like courtroom dramas , and this film looked good enough to take a chance on . i wasn't disappointed . it wasn't a great film , but it was interesting , and took several unexpected turns . one thing : what's with the title ? not only is it extremely forgettable , it doesn't really have much to do with the film , as far as i could determine . in the long run , it will probably hurt the film , as people won't be able to think of or remember it . martin vail ( richard gere ) is a grandiose defense attorney . he loves the money and the fame that go along with defending ( successfully ) rich scum , such as mafia men and drug-dealers . once he sees that the accused killer of a prominent chicago archbishop is a baby-faced alter boy , he wants in on the case , presumably for the press he'll get . we soon find out that the prosecutor assigned is a former lover , janet venable ( laura linney ) . vail himself is a former prosecutor , and quit because of tensions between himself and the district attorney , played very well by john mahoney ( frasier's father on the tv series ) . there is an underlying theme of dichotomy in the movie : people have public faces , and private faces . we see this in the murdered archbishop , in the accused , and , most strongly , defense attorney martin vail . richard gere does a fairly good job . at first , he appears to be a money- and attention-grabbing lawyer , with no consideration of the truth . but we see another side , as he becomes a seeker of justice , and comes to believe in his client . alfre woodard , as the judge , is capable , though somewhat wasted in a standard role . laura linney also does journeyman work ; nothing spectacular , but acceptable . her relationship with vail is believable ; their verbal fencing adds to the film . the actor who playes vail's investigator ( unfortunately , i don't remember his name ) is quite good . his female assistant ( she looked very familiar , but i can't remember where i've seen her ) was also capable , but unspectacular . the best performance in the film was by edward norton . he was excellent , as the timid altar-boy turned alleged " butcher boy of st . mike's " . i was impressed by the depth of the plot ; there are red-herrings , and dead-ends , that in a lesser film would lead to a predictable ending . i liked the plot twists the film took , and most of the supporting characters , thus i give primal fear a respectable b+ rating . " when you get out of jail , you can kill him . " starring ashley judd , tommy lee jones , bruce greenwood . rated r . double jeopardy is a lurid , prepostrous thriller that's also one of the year's most enjoyable . it's an uncompromisingly brutal , cheerfully anarchic , hyperactive actioner that has a mission and never diverts from it . there is not a moment here when the events on screen don't have a direct bearing on the plot ; once the film gets going it never stops . it has been branded as the female version of the fugitive and that's probably a correct assessment of the plot , but the film itself has little in common with the 1993 andrew davis/harrison ford collaboration besides the presence of star tommy lee jones . not even bothering with character introduction , director bruce beresford floors the gas pedal from the get-go and never finds the brake . we meet , rather hastily , libby and nick parsons ( ashley judd and bruce greenwood , respectively ) a seemingly happy married couple , with a son matty , age 4 . they go out on a sailboat one night , and after a period of some rockin' sex , they go to sleep . libby hears a strange noise , wakes up and discovers that she is covered with blood . she follows a red trail to the upper deck , where she finds a knife and , out of astonishment , picks it up . at that convenient moment , the coast guard shows up and libby is arrested . her lawyer , a friend , puts up a defense in court , but though we know she is innocent , the evidence against her is too compelling . her friend adopts her son and she goes to prison . once in prison , she makes a phone call to her friend . her friend gives her son the phone . nick walks in the room . little matty screams " daddy ! " the phone goes dead . libby realizes that the man she is imprisoned for killing isn't even dead . she gets some advice from a prisoner/former lawyer , who tells her that since the state already convicted her of killing her husband , they can't convict her of the same crime again , meaning that when she gets paroled she can kill him and they can't touch her . after a weirdly short amount of time , she gets out of parole . she is sent to live at a house with other recent parolees , under the command of parole officer travis lehman ( tommy lee jones ) . she sets out on a mission to find her husband and get her son back , which turns out to be much more difficult than anticipated . she winds up tracking him all the way to new orleans where she finds out that he has long killed his girlfriend and her son's " adopter " . double jeopardy is based on an assumption that is legally false . the law stating that nobody can be convicted twice for the same crime assumes that it is the same crime : same time , same place , same circumstances . it's not like it matters . this is a rollickingly good thriller ; intense , exciting , fast and furious . it's silly alright , but this is the kind of film you just don't question . in some films , plausibility is everything . double jeopardy , however , is not concerned with making sense : its sole purpose is to entertain , and it does . judd helps the film tremendously in a difficult role . this is her breakout box-office performance , and she is terrific . she brings some emotion to what could have been a one-dimensional role , giving the movie a little soul to go along with its effective chase scenes and action set pieces . tommy lee jones basically just reprises the role for which he won an oscar in the fugitive , but the movie makes good use of his stone-faced wit . thankfully , too , double jeopardy refrains from developing a romance between libby and travis ; a subplot which doubtlessly would have interfered with the film's story . this is one of those movies where cops are the bad guys , and i took a sort of sick pleasure in that . the sheer anarchy of the proceedings was nothing short of wonderful , as ashley judd kicks the crap out of every authority figure in the book . after all the idealistic hollywood features featuring hero cops , deft fbi agents and the virtues of the american legal system , it's great to see a movie that doesn't so much demonstrate their fallacy as it delights in their failure . double jeopardy is really good , but it isn't the kind of good that is remembered or recognized with awards . it's one of those movies better viewed with the brain turned off , otherwise , your brain will be busy ruining your experience . this is a thriller that isn't concerned with being smart or plausible . instead it diverts all attention to the action , which , this year , is second to none . let's say you live at the end of an airport runway . large jetliners continuously pass over your house , rattling your windows and allowing few moments of peace . let's say the ground beneath your feet is also contaminated with toxic substances , and high voltage power lines run across steel towers only yards from your home . now let's say an airport conglomerate wants to buy your property in order to lengthen the runway , and offers you more than it's worth . wouldn't you jump in the air and have your bags packed before you landed ? of course you would . but what if this bit of land was your idea of paradise , and the house your castle ? that's what they are to darryl kerrigan ( michael caton ) , and although he's happy that a multi-national corporation would like to buy his home , sorry , it's not for sale . unfortunately , the corporation wields quite a bit of influence over the australian government , which serves darryl and his family with what amounts to an eviction notice . not about to take this lying down , darryl enlists the help of his inept attorney friend dennis denuto ( tiriel mora ) and makes a determined , albeit pathetic , attempt to fight back . the castle , an australian comedy by rob sitch , is perhaps one of the simplest movies i've seen in recent memory , yet also one of the funniest . in fact , it is this film's reliance on simplicity which makes it so successful . the good guys and the bad guys are clear , the humor is straightforward , and the storyline is as uncomplicated as it gets . it's the perfect setup for a relaxing , hilarious good time , and as much as i hate to admit it , i liked the fact that i didn't have to think all that much while watching this film . i just sat back and enjoyed myself . the situation is one we've seen before : regular joe fights back against the government , or big business , or whatever . what makes this film different is its characters . darryl thinks he's got the best life in the world - he tells his family that living next to power lines is a constant reminder of the success of mankind , he asks who would ever want to go out and eat in a fancy restaurant when he's got the meat loaf feast prepared by his wife sal ( anne tenny ) , and he swells with pride when his son dale ( stephen curry ) digs a hole in the yard . steve kerrigan ( anthony simcoe ) constantly combs the buy and sell ads looking for " investments " like jousting sticks and overhead projectors , while wayne kerrigan is in jail , as a result of dennis denuto's incompetent courtroom maneuvers . the great thing about the kerrigans is that they aren't so stupid that they get annoying . they're just a group of simpletons whose naive nature is perfectly harmless and even endearing . we look upon them with a little bit of pity , but a whole lot of affection . screenwriters sitch , santo cilauro , tom gleisner , and jane kennedy pit this lovable bunch of unlikely crusaders against a stoic court system and a condescending business conglomerate , further polarizing the extremes and deepening our feelings for the kerrigans . sympathy for their situation , the laughter they bring us , and the family's wonderful characterization , simple as it may be , leaves us with a degree of emotional investment that causes us to actually care about what happens to them . i suppose one might wonder how deep characterization can go when your characters are as inane as the kerrigans , but trust me , it works . i particularly noted that the writers did not have to use slapstick in order to get laughs . don't get me wrong - slapstick , when executed well , can be genius . it's just that too often , a film will resort to it's use as a shortcut to amusing the audience , not always successfully . instead , the jokes in the castle are all hinged upon the dialog uttered by these people who have no idea that they are totally skewed to the rest of the world . when they are by themselves , the are funny , and when they are with normal people , they are hilarious . one of the few problems i saw with this film was a detour taken about midway though . the kerrigans go out to a vacation spot for seemingly no reason other than to pack in a few more jokes and increase the film's running time . luckily , it's a funny little detour that , while slightly distracting from the film's main drive , is still quite enjoyable . with all the levity abound in the castle , the film still manages to take on a pretty heavy concept , that of the innate right of a citizen to keep his property , an issue which has been bandied about in courts across the civilized world with differing outcomes . i'm not certain the courtroom monologue near the end of the film would actually hold up in real life , but it brings to the forefront the essence of the constitution ( of australia ) and certainly sounds impressive at any rate . and , for that matter , it's more than i would have expected out of a light hearted film like this . in this good natured , pleasent and easy going comedy , bill murray ( ghostbusters , 1984 ) plays grumpy weatherman phil conners , who , every year , is sent to punxsutawney , p . a , to report on groundhog day . the groundhog day ceremony involves a groundhog being lifted out of a box , and if he dosen't see a shadow , it will be an early spring . phil really hates the ceremony , and not even his producer rita ( macdowell ) can change his mind . however , fate has a cruel trick for phil , and he starts re-living groundhog day over , and over , and over , until he gradually likes it , and rita falls in love with him . groundhog day is a well written , totatly unoffensive and funny comedy . the screenwriters , director ramis and danny rubin , have written a funny , warm , but never overly senitmental comedy . although the idea of a day repeating over and over may sound tedious , there are enough good jokes to hold the audiences attention throughout the whole film . ramis's direction also helps , and although he dosen't try any flash director tricks , the film is directed well enough , and the jokes are set up well . and the editing is also good , especially when it shows one part of the day over , and over again , such as when phil tries to have the perfect night with rita . the performances are also excellent . bill murray is great fun , and his transistion from cynical to happy is smooth , and delivers his lines in his usual smary style . andie macdowell is good as rita , although sometimes she is just a little bit too sweet in some parts of the film . there is chemistry between the two leads , thankfully , otherwise the whole film would probably fall part . chris elliot , as the cameraman larry , is also funny , although you have to like his goofy style , otherwise you are really going to hate him throughout this film , and it will lower your enjoyment of the film overall . the supporting cast aren't bad either , with stephen tobolowsky hillarous as phils old school mate ned ryanson , and even director ramis popping up as a neurologist . in fact , there is not one dud performance in this film , and even the groundhog gets a funny scene involving a car chase . overall , there is really nothing wrong with groundhog day at all . it almost seems perfect . however , the film can get a bit soppy sometimes , and some people may get irritated by the day repeating over , and over , and over , and over . also , there's not much of an music score , and the music there is is pretty bad . but these criticisms hardly affect the audiences enjoyment at all . overall , then , groundhog day is a funny , smart , and also has some room in there for some heart . an excellent comedy . overall rating= ( " no man is an island , " one character quotes john donne in apt pupil , effectively summarizing the movie's themes . while hardly a great film , singer's ambitious adaptation of king's short story * is challenging nonetheless ; perhaps the most shocking aspect of this inclement psychological thriller is that a major studio got behind it . apt pupil is a bleak picture destined to be misunderstood by the masses . 1984 . wonder-bred high school honours student todd bowden ( renfro ) conducts his own extracurricular investigation of kurt dussander , a nazi war criminal who fearfully fled berlin in the 1960s and was never heard from again . bowden suspects arthur denker ( mckellan ) , the lonely german senior citizen who lives nearby , is actually a pseudonymous dussander-much research and dusting for fingerprints proves young todd's theory . bowden strikes a deal with dussander : in exchange for not revealing his identity , dussander must satisfy bowden's intense curiosity by recounting the atrocities of the holocaust from the nazi point of view . the stories he hears keep todd up at night and haunt his daydreams , but like a bystander at a traffic accident , todd's desire for gory details overrides his repulsion . bowden revives in dussander feelings dormant since the end of wwii . marching in a mock uniform around his kitchen is wholly cathartic for dussander : it leads to his torture of a cat and the torment of his " student " , among other things . bowden , who has taken on very hateful qualities ( he kills birds and doodles swastikas on his notebook ) , engages the veteran in an endless game of one-upmanship . dussander stands to lose his freedom , and bowden his credibility-in effect , his post-secondary school future . all of this winds down to a fairly unpredictable ( and unsettling ) conclusion , one which requires leaps of faith from its audience yet is more satisfying than the source material's excessive climax . singer has yet to get keyser s ? ze out of his system . his the usual suspects and apt pupil are both about evil masquerading as innocence ( verbal's tics and todd's golden-boy reputation are plausible ruses ) ; they showcase morally bankrupt anti-heroes to whom telling the truth is not an option if they are to achieve their goals . apt pupil is a richer film than the usual suspects , a movie famous and popular partly because its plot machinations were not germane to the outcome-there was no way you could see the ending coming , as it was all a hoodwink , anyway . thankfully , singer has gotten most of the usual suspects' film-schoolish geek theatrics out of his system . some scenes in apt pupil feel overdirected and/or obvious ( the dream sequences were extraneous ) , but the majority of the film is subdued-and singer's handling of the violent scenes is boldly restrained for a film about a murderer and a murderer-in-training . mckellan's and renfro's performances contribute enormously to the overall success of the film ; while most people will focus on british stage vet mckellan's finely-tuned realization , i'd like to single out renfro's daring work . he isn't afraid to play someone largely unappealing and cold-hearted ; he strips his character of vanity , something many of his peers wouldn't do . ( can you picture kieran culkin or jonathan taylor-thomas in the same role ? ) renfro was recently charged with possession of cocaine-i hope he doesn't continue down that path , because he has a big future in good movies waiting for him . as guidance counsellor edward french , " friend " schwimmer also deserves mention . he wants to be the parent to todd that todd's own well-to-do folks are not ( todd , like most modern kids-and only-children-has mom and dad wrapped around his pinky finger ) , and his sincerity makes the apt pupil's blackening-heart even more apparent . but one of the film's ultimate questions , are we born evil or do we learn evil ? , might be answered in french , whose motives are the slightest bit ambiguous . no man is an island , indeed-we all have the capacity to make the " right " or the " wrong " choices . schwimmer winningly plays one of a trio of fascinating characters who make the unconventional apt pupil laudible . -october , 1998 * the excellent collection king's stories called different seasons spawned not only apt pupil , but the shawshank redemption ( originally titled rita hayworth and the shawshank redemption ) and stand by me ( originally titled the body ) . i rented this movie with very high hopes . this movie got praise as one of the best films of 1998 , and unfortunately , was not as good as i hoped , but was still very intriguing and thought provoking . first of all , the casting for this film is great . tobey maguire and reese witherspoon are the future of hollywood . they play their roles as the parker brother and sister perfectly . with a plot as unbelievable as this film , you need chemistry and honest acting from your cast . tobey and reese ( bud and mary sue parker ) play their roles perfectly and display their characters with honesty and believability . william h . macy , an actor i have grown to love over the past year , turns in another great performance as the tv dad who is torn over his wife , a " colored " person and his friends , the " non-colored " ones . he also displays believability and must display a certain lack of chemistry with his wife . he does this perfectly and yet again shows why he should be one of the top actors in hollywood . joan allen is equally great as betty parker , the ideal tv mom . her character is the most ambitious . she is very na ? ve , and must display this well to make her character believable and she does just that . her lack of chemistry with macy , which the role calls for , and her developed chemistry with jeff daniels is terrific , and if daniels would have been as stellar as the rest of the cast , then this film would even been even better . as said before , jeff daniels gives a bad performance . his character displays the change going on throughout the town , yet he does not display it with enough conviction . his character is very confusing and he is not very believable . this film could have been elevated to a whole new level had daniels been able to give a better performance . the movie is very provocative . it challenges the issues of racism that existed in the past and that still exist today . i really was not expecting all of the elements they brought up , but they pulled them off with such flair that it was mind blowing . they demonstrate the racism issue without a hitch , but do it in a slow pace . the only major flaw in the film besides the performance by daniels is length . some films are not meant to be that long . pleasantville is one of those films . this film could have been so much better had they not moved so slowly to it . first , they are amazed by the implementation of color . then they want to have it . then they do not want to . then the war ensues between the colored and non-colored . this is all strung out over two hours , which was way too long . some movies need a lot of time . saving private ryan was a little bit under three hours long and i thought it could have used more time . this film is only two hours long , and seems much longer . length is everything in films . if you can nail down the perfect timing and pace , you can win half the battle . pleasantville can move at a good pace at times , but it is not consistent enough . overall , pleasantville is a very pleasant and provocative departure from the predictability of most films these days . i went in expecting a light-hearted film about change . i left learning an important lesson about racism and the way things change . luckily , pleasantville teaches this lesson in such a way to make it appeal to all audiences . only if it could have done in a shorter amount of time . few films in 1999 have divided the critical consensus as sharply as alan parker's adaptation of frank mccourt's memoir angela's ashes . many dismissed it as an humorless , sentimentalized , uninteresting version of the hugely popular novel ; others hailed it as a heartfelt , sincere portrait of the human spirit . i'm somewhere in between , leaning strongly towards the latter . it's certainly well-made and it never becomes tedious like some literary adaptations have a tendency to be . but i have a feeling that parker filled the movie with pseudo-lyrical shots of rain falling on the homely streets of ireland just so it can have the two-and-a-half hour running time that screams " i'm important ! " mccourt's book of the same name was about him and his family moving from the us to ireland in the early 1900's , a time when most people were desperately trying to get into the us . as he comments , " we were the only irishfolk to say goodbye to the statue of liberty . " in ireland , frank ( played by joe breen as a small child ) , his 3 brothers , his mother angela ( emily watson ) and his father malachy ( robert carlyle ) get financial help from angela's mother , a stereotypically strict catholic who chides her daughter for marrying a northern irishman . she helps them get a rat-infested apartment and malachy goes looking for a job . positions are scarce and when he does finally find one , he is unable to hold on to it because of his fondness for drinking . meanwhile , frank goes to an uptight catholic school , where the instructors beat students with blunt wooden objects as often as their heart desires . two of frank's brothers soon die , crippled by the dreadful living conditions and malnutrition . as if the poverty and the suffering weren't intense enough as it stood , malachy and angela have another baby , worsening the situation further . i imagine this doesn't sound like much of a plot . that's probably because it isn't one . these are people . this is their story . director alan parker ( the commitments ) knows how to tell a good story and angela's ashes , despite its relentlessly literary tone remains interesting . though the film occasionally indulges too much in its gloomily picturesque irish setting , it avoids looking like a glorified travelogue . supplementing parker's able direction are the engaging , often poignant performances of the leads , some of them seasoned thespians , others relative beginners . carlyle , the charismatic british actor who has shown astonishing range by hopping from the lead in a rowdy slapstick comedy to the villain in a james bond movie and now to sentimental melodrama , perfectly portrays his rather pathetic character . we empathize with the guy , but we don't like or admire him . emily watson turns in a heartfelt , sincere supporting performance . it is mostly she who implants that lump in our throats . also worthy of mention is little joe breen , whose face graces the film's superb poster . it is breen's first feature film and he's extraordinary as young frank . not unlike sudden oscar darling haley joel osment of the sixth sense , you can peer into the character's soul through breen's sad eyes . on the flip side , one thing that could have vastly improved angela's ashes is a more decisive editor . while gerry hambling sure makes the most of the scenery , he and parker also leave in at least a half an hour of unnecessary footage . the first half , especially , could have been trimmed down , bringing the film to a more reasonable running time and doing our bladders a favor in the process . things pick up at about the halfway point , sort of dismissing a lot of the criticisms i accumulated during the opening hour , but i maintain that the aggressively deliberate pace parker and co . set in the first half was ludicrously unnecessary . * spoiler warning ! skip next paragraph if in suspense ! * the film's final message is somewhat conflicted , as frankie , in effect , leaves his family famished in ireland while he himself goes back to america . what , exactly , are we supposed to make of that ? his mother doesn't seem to mind because she wants the best possible future for her son , as any mother would , but it still seems inconsiderate of him . i haven't read the book , but i'm sure that mccourt justifies his actions therein ; therefore , i'm suspicious . another thing that's never made clear in the movie is the meaning of the title , which , i'm sure , is also explained in the memoir . if seen as a film onto itself , rather than an adaptation , angela's ashes stands tall . despite a few minor setbacks , it is a captivating story of people forced to live in the trenches by an merciless society where those of weaker character are shoved to the bottom of the financial ladder . now that " boogie nights " has made disco respectable again ( well , fashionable at least ) , we shouldn't be surprised to see more films glorifying that dubious era . the latest art house interpretation is whit stillman's " the last days of disco . " stillman , who made " metropolitan " and " barcelona " using some of the same actors , uses disco's final hours to highlight what is another conversation-heavy movie that benefits from typically astute writing from the director . the young , upwardly-mobile professional ( don't call them yuppies ! ) men and women of " the last days of disco " frequent a prestigious new york city nightclub pulsating to the bass-pounding rhythms of earth wind and fire , amy grant , and andrea true connection . here they talk and talk and talk , intellectualizing about such things as dating , success , and being liked , accepted , and admired . if talk is cheap , " the last days of disco " must surely have been an extremely inexpensive movie to shoot . what makes the film so entertaining is that this preppie , harvard-educated jet set actually have something to say and say it with wit , perception , and style ( including , at one point , a riotously inventive deconstruction of " the lady and the tramp " ) . na ? ve alice ( chlo ? sevigny ) and sophisticated charlotte ( kate beckinsale ) are recent college graduates who work as assistant editors for a new york publishing house . charlotte is confident and outspoken--perhaps a little too outspoken ; alice is shy and introverted , " like a kindergarten teacher . " the two friends often doll themselves up and head out to the nameless nightspot , looking good and looking for excitement ( and that ms . beckinsale sure looks good on a dancefloor ! ) . here they meet , or re-meet , a variety of eligible men , many of whom they knew in college . des ( played by stillman favorite christopher eigeman ) is one of the club's managers whose job is on the line for sneaking his ad agency buddies in the back . des has reached a crisis point in his life : he just found out--last wednesday , in fact--that he's gay . whether it's true or not , it makes for a convenient excuse to dump his latest girlfriend ( jennifer beals in a small but soul-baring turn ) . charlotte observes cattily that the only gay thing about des is his mouth . jimmy ( mackenzie astin ) is the advertising exec who , by the end of the picture , winds up heading for a new job opportunity in spain ( visions of " barcelona " ? ) . josh ( matt keeslar ) is an assistant district attorney who dreams of being able to say , just once , " book this clown ! " and robert sean leonard plays another one of alice's revolving suitors ; the two have an amusing exchange about the true definition of virginity . any film that can make robert sean leonard palatable is worthy of respect in my book . in fact , the entire ensemble is appealing in that well-spoken stillman way . while the eschewing of " ferocious pairing " is a favored topic of conversation in the film , the protagonists tend to slip in and out of love , lust , and trouble with each other in an emotional merry-go-round that cleverly develops its characters through the " preferred " dynamics of social group interaction . more mature than stillman's previous two films , " the last days of disco " is as consistently droll as it is stimulating . it's a movie you should definitely get on down to . this has been an extraordinary year for australian films . " shine " has just scooped the pool at the australian film institute awards , picking up best film , best actor , best director etc . to that we can add the gritty " life " ( the anguish , courage and friendship of a group of male prisoners in the hiv-positive section of a jail ) and " love and other catastrophes " ( a low budget gem about straight and gay love on and near a university campus ) . i can't recall a year in which such a rich and varied celluloid library was unleashed from australia . " shine " was one bookend . stand by for the other one : " dead heart " . >from the opening credits the theme of division is established . the cast credits have clear and distinct lines separating their first and last names . bryan | brown . in a desert settlement , hundreds of kilometres from the nearest town , there is an uneasy calm between the local aboriginals and the handful of white settlers who live nearby . the local police officer has the task of enforcing " white man's justice " to the aboriginals . these are people with a proud 40 , 000 year heritage behind them . naturally , this includes their own system of justice ; key to which is " payback " . an eye for an eye . revenge . usually extracted by the spearing through of the recipient's thigh . brown , as the officer , manages quite well to keep the balance . he admits that he has to 'bend the rules' a bit , including actively encouraging at least one brutal " payback " . ( be warned that this scene , near the start , is not for the squeamish ) . the local priest - an aboriginal , but in the " white fellas " church - has a foot on either side of the line . he is , figuratively and literally , in both camps . ernie dingo brings a great deal of understanding to this role as the man in the middle . he is part churchman and part politician . however the tension , like the heat , flies and dust , is always there . whilst her husband - the local teacher - is in church , white lady kate ( milliken ) and her aborginal friend tony , ( pedersen ) have gone off into the hills . he takes her to a sacred site , even today strictly men-only . she appears to not know this . tony tells her that this is a special place , an initiation place . he then makes love to her , surrounded by ancient rock art . the community finds out about this sacrilegious act and it's payback time . the fuse is lit and the brittle inter-racial peace is shattered . everyone is affected in the fall out . to say more is to give away the details of this finely crafted film . suffice to say it's a rewarding experience . bryan brown , acting and co-producing , is the pivotal character . his officer is real , human and therefore flawed . brown comments that he expects audiences to feel warmth towards the man , then suddenly feel angry about him . it wasn't long ago that i visited central australia - ayers rock ( uluru ) and alice springs - for the first time . the wide-screen cinematography shows the dead heart of australia in a way that captures it's vicious beauty , but never deteriorates into a moving slide show , in which the gorgeous background dominates those pesky actors in the foreground . the cultural clash has provided the thesis for many a film ; from the western to the birdcage . at least three excellent australian films have covered the aboriginal people and the line between them and we anglo-saxon 'invaders' : " jedda " , " the chant of jimmie blacksmith " and " the last wave " . in a year when the race 'debate' has reared up in australia , it is nourishing to see such an intelligent , non-judgemental film as " dead heart " . the aboriginal priest best sums this up . he is asked to say if he is a " black fella or white fella " . i think the first thing this reviewer should mention is wether or not i am a fan of the x-files . first , let me assure you that no prior experience with the series is required to fully enjoy this movie . the producers are not stupid , making a movie just for fans of the series is not profitable . you have to reach for a larger audience . therefore , the movie is quite user-friendly . altough , non-fans will only fail to understand certain emotions behind the looks many characters exchange . but fear not , duchovny and another man later on provide more than adequate background info on what is going on . you will never feel as if you just walked in on the third act of some great opera . in any case , the answer is no . i am not a fan of the x-files , i only watch it when nothing else is on and i prefer millennium . however , since the fox network as been so kind as to air several key episodes for several weeks before the movie's opening weekend i took that opportunity to test the movie . i taped all of these episodes and watched them only after seing the movie , i am glad to report that i learned nothing new . everything you need to know is explained to the viewer by duchovny and others . i know i am going maybe a bit too far to make my point but everybody should get the chance to experience this movie . warning : major spoilers follow ! please do not read to fully enjoy this movie , you must not be able know what is coming , what exactly is over that hill and what that weird " hummm " sound is all about . you have been warned . the x-files is what a summer should be . exciting , scary , great special effects ( unlike other summer movies the effects do not take over the movie and are only there when it is really necessary ) and good performances . this is coming from a guy who thinks david duchovny is the human equivalent of a wooden plank . from start to finish , this movie does not let go of you . when i compare it with last summer's movies the best way to describe it would be : take the excitement and great score from face/off and the deadly use of sound from event horizon . this flick is scary , not in a b movie kind of way where you always know where and when the critter will jump at our heroes . in fact , the first time the critter in this movie makes an apperance it is totally out of the blue . you might as well bring ear plugs because this thing is louuuudd ! the last time a monster scared me that much was when i first saw aliens as a six year old kid . you know , when you are affraid to put your feet on the floor because the creature might be under the chair , or when you keep trying to cover your throat with your shirt ? so yeah , the x-files is scary . and guess what ? you never even have to see the monster but your imagination works overtime and it sure beats having to watch a flawed , computer generated , babyzilla , it looks like you could walk right through it not even scarier than your grandma in undies type of monster . do not think that the x-files is a monster movie . in fact , the creature is there for maybe three minutes total . no , the x-files is definately a mulder episode of the series . scully is at his side , of course , but gillian anderson gets maybe half the screen time . she has a couple of good scenes with duchovny , but she gets kidnapped during the last half hour of the movie so she does not get to do much . no , this is mulder's time in the spotlight . by now , you have heard of the scene where mulder " showers " independence day . if you have not then i will not spoil it for you , let's just say that due to recent events mulder should be " showering " godzilla instead . to those of you wondering if mulder discovers that the truth is indeed out there . . . who cares ! ? if he did find it the series would over anyway so what are you complaining about ? the dialogue in interesting and the director is marvelous . the camera is almost always looking over the shoulder of our heroes so we feel as if we are right there with them when they open a door or climb a hill . the script is spotless , every thing that happens happens for a purpose . if you are confused by something , do not worry because it will all become clear later on but , and i cannot stress this enough , pay attention ! ! ! unlike most summer movies , the dialogue is twice as important as the effects . miss one vital piece of information and , like most people who talk during movies , you will go home and tell all your friends how this movie made no sense . also , to those people who need to go to the bathroom during movies . . . don't ! the person who watched the movie with me had to go twice and twice she missed an important conversation . there is no time to take a breather between scenes because , again unlike most summer movies ( godzilla anybody ? ) the x-files does not need to fill scenes between the suspense and the action with useless subplots , every scene is crucial and serves a purpose . who needs to see the blond chiouaoua have a " big emotional scene " between godzilla attacks ? so far this summer i have seen only one movie who ranks higher on my list of movies i'd recommend and that is the truman show but it only wins by a nose . but the truman show is not what i would call a summer movie , the x-files is . what more do you ask from a summer movie other than the chance to be excited ? cool effects ? it's got some . pulse pounding ? hell yes ! strangely enough , i think that fans of the series will hate this movie while non-fans will have a good time . it does not provide answers to the show's many questions , the status quo remains nearly the same and , no , mulder and scully do not get together . rating : four and a half out of five stars for the best movie yet this summer , several jump right out of your seat thrills , many " whoah , i never saw that one coming ! " moments , four " holy shit , where the hell did that come from " and one heck of an ending . you may wonder where this movie lost half a star . well , i swore never to give a movie the full five stars so i had to find something about the in his ice truck , the tracks it leaves in the snow behind him go on for several miles but then they just stop . it's pretty obvious the film's makers drove the truck for several miles to give the appearance that mulder had been driving for a long time , but in the end it looks like mulder just dropped from the sky and started driving . trees lounge is the directoral debut from one of my favorite actors , steve buscemi . he gave memorable performences in in the soup , fargo , and reservoir dogs . now he tries his hand at writing , directing and acting all in the same flick . the movie starts out awfully slow with tommy ( buscemi ) hanging around a local bar the " trees lounge " and him pestering his brother . it's obvious he a loser . but as he says " it's better i'm a loser and know i am , then being a loser and not thinking i am . " well put . the story starts to take off when his uncle dies , and tommy , not having a job , decides to drive an ice cream truck . well , the movie starts to pick up with him finding a love interest in a 17 year old girl named debbie ( chloe sevigny ) and . . . i liked this movie alot even though it did not reach my expectation . after you've seen him in fargo and reservoir dogs , you know he is capable of a better performence . i think his brother , michael , did an excellent job for his debut performence . mr . buscemi is off to a good career as a director ! i wish i could say that there is something more to the new star wars installment than what you see in the commercials , but there isn't . george lucas is an expert at crafting triumphant , special effects-bound flicks and he has done it again . this is the first star wars film i've seen on the big screen , so , of course , the impact was much greater than when i watched the three original episodes on video . what is compelling about the phantom menace is not its disposable story , but its amazing visuals . basically , the film's plot is centered around trade disputes between two planets . qui-gon ( liam neeson ) and his young apprentice obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor ) set out with the animated jar-jar binks to fix the mess that may result in war . when their ship breaks down and they are stranded , they find a young boy , anakin skywalker ( jake lloyd ) and his slave mother . qui-gon strongly believes that anakin is destined for jedi greatness and immediately takes him under his wing . anakin participates in a heart-pounding podrace , one of the highlights of the film , to get the equipment needed to fix qui-gon's ship . however , most everyone is doubtful about entrusting the future to some unknown slave boy . meanwhile , queen amadala ( natalie portman ) is frustrated and at wit's end , being na ? ve and young and having so much responsibility on her shoulders . there are hardly any emotional scenes in the film- even when we discover that anakin will be leaving his slave mother behind to begin jedi training , the frenzied excitement of the whole film wears down the poignancy to the size of a crumb . this does not prove that the phantom menace is poorly made for it is brilliantly made . in all the star wars films , human emotions that we , the audience , can identify with are usually nil , but the films are for pure enjoyment , not for uplifting purposes . despite the fun of watching the movie , the phantom menace is not without flaws . for starters , we have the ill-conceived , moronic character jar-jar binks who should be considered a threat to star wars galactic society and to the audience . what a klutz ! george lucas clumsily tried to create a fun character that would be as memorable as , say , yoda , r2-d2 , or c3-po , but , alas , his efforts were in vain . secondly ( this may be good or bad , depending on your point of view ) , the movie's atmosphere is so different from the familiar comic-book feel of the previous three star wars installments . this is due , perhaps , to the utter complexity to this movie's plot and the higher level of sophistication of the visual effects used here . the movie seems to be reaching for epic proportions . i can't say much about the acting , though acting has never been what you saw star wars movies for anyway . however , there is absolutely no pizzazz to the performances- they are straightforward and , at times , stale . natalie portman has a great presence , but her turn as queen amadala makes the queen a stoic , unfeeling ? enigma . there is nothing we can hold onto in her performance to make us believe the trade predicament is anything of importance . jake lloyd is the only actor here who has an ounce of evident spunk . despite the inevitable faults , there is so much to enjoy about the movie . the heightened excitement of the final sequences doesn't quite surpass the famous the empire strikes back climactic scenes , but they are amazing and edge-of-your-seat fun in their own rite . the film is a treasure to look at . the visual effects are astonishing 99 . 8% of the time- the awe-inspiring , mouth-opening , eye-popping sight of the underwater city is nothing short of production design and special effects genius . not since 1997's the fifth element has there been a film as drenched in visual treats as this one . the production design is reminiscent of the fifth element , the previous star wars movies , kubrick's 2001 , maybe even of fritz lang's classic silent metropolis . however , all the sets are so original . the original star wars movies can't even match the grandeur of this film's visuals and that is a sheer pleasure for the viewer- it gives us hope of even greater things for the upcoming episode . the costumes are remarkable and have jean-paul gaultier written all over them . whether its queen amadala's gigantic wardrobe complete with gold-embroidery and feathers , or the jedis' simple brown uniforms , the costume designer has fused talent with outrageousness . the costumes are one of the true delights of watching the movie . as for john williams' score , i don't think he's done one as complex or powerful since ? i can't even remember . it is as epic as his schindler's list score and as thrilling and zestful as jaws . it includes the bare bones of his music from the previous three films , but williams has added on , made the music much more intense and moving . what with the overwhelming hoopla that circled this movie , one might come in with high expectations and be disappointed . there is very little to hate in the film : it's a very accomplished and skillfully made flick . it is the best " fun " film and the best big-budget film out today , most definitely . lisa cholodenko's " high art , " is an intelligent , quiet drama . its strongest quality , aside from the top-notch central performances , is the perceptive way in which the film , also written by cholodenko , observes its characters . they are all flawed people , some more troubled than others , but they are not judged . judging the characters in this picture would be a creative misstep on the filmmakers' parts , because no one , no matter how bad off they are , deserve to be negatively judged if they are involved in some serious problems that they cannot break free of . syd ( radha mitchell ) , a 24-year-old woman living with her longtime boyfriend james ( gabriel mann ) , has recently been awarded an ideal job at the high-profile photography magazine , " frame . " she very much enjoys where her career is headed , but is often not taken very seriously by her managers , who are always giving her petty jobs to do , when she knows she could be doing more important things . one night , while taking a bath , syd notices a leak coming from the apartment above hers , so when she goes up there to inform them of it , she meets lucy beliner ( ally sheedy ) , a thin , worn-out , and unhappy woman , who lives with her drug-addicted german girlfriend , greta ( patricia clarkson ) , a pathetic former actress who is usually so out-of-it that she often is in and out of conciousness . syd quickly strikes up a conversation with lucy , and discovers that she used to be an acclaimed photographer ten years before . lucy claims she doesn't want to get back into the profession , but syd manages to convince the " frame " editors to do a piece on her work . all the while , syd begins to grow deep feelings for lucy , even though she has never previously been attracted to a woman , and lucy starts a battle with her personal demons . " high art , " is such an effective motion picture because it is never suger-coated or idealized , but instead an honest and convincing portrait of a handful of unhappy people whose lives are going nowhere , while syd's luck begins to rise . the film in no way is about lesbianism , but about love , which was a refreshing change of pace from the usual stereotypical portraits of homosexuality . as lucy and syd grow closer and closer together , we really do believe that they are falling in love with each other , even if the relationship might be doomed . with this picture , ally sheedy's star has risen once again , thanks to her touching , nearly flawless portrtayal of lucy , a woman who , in the course of a decade , has found her life consumed almost entirely by drugs , which has taken away her once-blossoming career . her characted really is tragic , and one particular scene involving lucy and her mother , in which lucy admits to her that she has a drug problem , and her mother matter-of-factly responds by saying she can't help her , is heartbreaking . although not autobiographical , sheedy has had drug problems in her past , and i suspect she brought that knowledge of already being in lucy's footsteps to her role . also very good is radha mitchell as syd , who previously starred in the slight 1997 australian comedy , " love and other catastrophes , " wh caught me by surprise with her performance . easily being able to pass as christina ricci's older sister , mitchell obtains the same natural charisma that has made ricci so popular recently . as accurate as almost every detail is in , " high art , " i wish the relationship had been more tightly written involving syd and james , who , played by gabriel mann , is left with a throwaway role . by the time he finds out about syd and lucy , he disappears from the film , and i wish there had been another scene where they confronted each other . this is a very minor fault , however , in a film that is full of riches . although many of the characters are stuck in a hopeless pit of despair , syd and lucy are intelligent people who recognize their problems . the character of dominique ( anh duong ) , the " frame " editor who decides to give syd a chance with her ideas , was also written to be far more mature than expected . and the one sex scene in the film was beautifully and originally done . for once , it did not invlove steaminess , or violent sexual activity , or gratuitous nudity , but focused on the actual characters , who love each other , and their insecurities involved in making the decision to actually have sex . " high art , " which won the screenwriting award at the 1998 sundance film festival , marks the superior feature film debut of cholodenko , as well as sheedy's strongest , and best , role to date . the relaxed dude rides a roller coaster the big lebowski a film review by michael redman copyright 1998 by michael redman the most surreal situations are ordinary everyday life as viewed by an outsider . when those observers are joel and ethan coen , the surreal becomes bizarre . when the life is that of jeff " the dude " leboswki , the bizarre falls over the edge into the world of " what'sgoingonaroundhere " . the marvelous sound of " the stranger " ( sam elliot ) 's voice-over introduces the film . at least it does until he forgets what he was going to say and gives up . the dude ( jeff bridges ) is described as the " laziest man in los angeles , possibly the world " , although he's not so much slothful as he is relaxed . spending the last 30 years with a roach clip in one hand and a white russian in the other , he doesn't have much of a life , but he's having a good time . when asked what he does for fun , he responds " bowl , drive around and the occasional acid flashback " . lebowski's passion is bowling . when he's not rolling the ball down an alley towards a strike , things just happen to him . arriving home one night , he's beaten by thugs attempting to collect money that his wife owes them . even worse , they urinate on his rug . the problem is that the dude doesn't have a wife . his assailants realize that their target is a different lebowski when they glance around at his apartment . the " big " lebowski ( david huddleston ) is a multi-millionaire and his dudeness lives in two-room squalor . the next day , our ragtag hero visits his namesake's mansion attempting compensation for his soaked rug . the carpet is important to him because it pulls the room together : not surprisingly since it's virtually the only object there . when he's denied any money , he picks up a replacement rug off the floor . on his way out , he runs into lebowski's trophy babe wife bunny ( tara reid ) who offers to perform a sexual act that , according to rumor , is one of bill clinton's favorites for a thousand bucks . the penniless dude wisecracks that he's heading for the cash machine . later he gets an unexpected phone call enlisting his aid in being the bag man to deliver a ransom to bunny's kidnappers . this begins the trademarked coen brothers crimes-gone-wrong sequences . the kidnappers are impossibly inept . the dude and his cronies are even worse . every plan goes awry . you can almost see lebowski's brain churning in slow motion as he tries to figure out the clues . that's the story , but to tell the truth it doesn't much matter . there could be almost any plot and the film would be just as entertaining . the narrative only exists so we can watch the offbeat characters and the quirky predicaments they fall into . the dude's bowling buddies walter ( john goodman ) and donny ( steve buscemi ) look like people you'd see on the street but , like everything else in this film , they're not quite what they seem . walter is a vet as stuck in vietnam as the dude is in the sixties . everything that happens reminds him of a situation in the nam . when a fellow bowler crosses the foul line but won't admit it , walter pulls a gun on him until he marks a zero on the score sheet . donny gets precious few words in between walter's screaming and the dude's rambling . when he does , walter shouts him down with horrendous albeit seemingly unintentional bowling puns . donny is " out of his league " and doesn't " have a frame of reference " . the film is peppered with people for whom the term " character " would be an understatement . the big lebowski's daughter maude , an avant-garde " vaginal " artist , paints while swinging naked in a leather apparatus like an s&m mary martin . the kidnappers are german techno nihilist bikers . bunny lebowski is a high school cheerleader turned porno star . most impressive is john turturro in his far too small role as a hispanic bowler . as the flamenco music swells , we see him putting on his lavender hose . the camera pans up to an all-purple skin-tight bowling outfit with " jesus " ( pronounced with a " j " , not an " h " ) embroidered on the pocket . he addresses the lane with intense seriousness and one painted fingernail . his tongue slowly snakes out and lovingly licks the glowing bowling ball . bridges works the dude as if he had been living him for decades and maybe he has . i can't think of anyone else who could have done a better job . buscemi has a limited role , but he plays it perfectly . the more that i see john goodman the more convinced i am that he's one of the treasures of our time . it's odd to think that most of the world knows him only as roseanne barr's television husband . more like the coen's " raising arizona " than their hit " fargo " , " the big lebowski " demands an open mind and even more open eyes . a mark of the coen brothers is that even with all wonderful dream sequences and the broad slapstick physical comedy on the screen , much of the humor is subtle and easy to miss . there's so much going on that frequently it disappears before you can see it . walking out of the theater , i felt that the film had something important to say . on further examination , i wasn't sure exactly what it was . " if you meet jesus at the bowling alley , it's not going to be what you expect " ? " when the going gets weird , the weird go bowling " ? maybe there's no real message . perhaps it's just a roller coaster ride through a hilarious world . maybe that's enough . ( michael redman has written this column for 23 years and just realized that he was so taken with the dude that he ran out of space to talk about " the man in the iron mask " starring that favorite of 14-year-old girls of all ages . redman@bvoice . com is the eaddress for estuff . ) i don't box with kid gloves . i don't play nice , i'm not a nice guy , and i never , ever , go easy on a film . i consider it to be a breech of some sort of code of ethics for a movie critic . however , i do some favors , and these often come in the form of points that i hand to certain groups due to the artistic bravery . rigormortis , the production company that has been my prime example of how money does not need to motivate filmmaking , gets several of these points each time . i still , however , will not go easy on them . they recently sent me a vhs copy of their down with america trilogy ( which begins , quite wittily , with a disclaimer that they are not trying to undermine america with the making of this film . ) and i decided to spend an hour of my day watching it . in the famous lines of many martyrs , i have no regrets . well , i do have some regrets , but that is not the point in the previous sentence . the point of it was that down with america was a film that , from a critical standpoint , did not entirely disappoint me . sure , the risky use of vhs instead of super 8mm or 16mm was a pain , and the natural light was one of the most annoying things about public access films , but the movie itself was fairly enjoyable . down with america concerns a government agent , needless murder , and a book containing everything from the unabomber's manifesto to the 1995 apple computer profit report . like the previous films of rigormortis that i have reviewed , it displays an off-kilter humor and intelligence ? it succeeds in making me laugh where countless studio films fail . the best way to see this film would be as a parody of the countless conspiracy films that we have been drowned in since the paranoia of the 80s . a dying movement from the day they started , these paranoid `thrillers' had the government always covering up something and had the same favorite word : `roswell . ' in down with america , the line `roswell' is highly absent . with an about ten minute running time , down with america effortlessly sidesteps every clich ? that the conspiracy films fell into , makes jokes at them at the same time , and provides us with funny and memorable characters . again , i have seen movies that have gone on two hours with characters i couldn't care less about . the film , as previously stated , concerns a federal agent ( peter roach ) , an obsessed librarian ( meri stevens ) , a mystery man ( joe kaczkowski ) , and two people obsessed with silence in the library ( robb sherman , kevin flowers ) . the plot : a book containing the secrets of all anarchists is hidden in ? a public library where it can be viewed by all . from there we go into a delightful parody . the federal agent claims his sovereign right to alter the truth , the librarian goes on a diatribe about the sanctity of books . we spend our time laughing at fairly idiotic jokes that are performed much too well considering the lack of coaching of the cast . although the actors and actresses are in small roles and give a whole new meaning to `no-name' , it ends up being the no-name people who do a good job , delivering better performances as comic villains than half the crap that hollywood turns out . for once , i don't have a url that i know offhand to give you as to where to locate the film online . i can only say that you should find my previous reviews of l'auto and les x-files and look up the rigormortis productions site in and of itself . it's almost as much fun as the film . here is a film that is so unexpected , so scary , and so original that it caught me off guard and threw me for a loop . okay , it isn't quite original , considering it is a sequel to the box office hit species , but it certainly is smart . most films of this genre are reminiscent of those cheesy b-horror films from the 50s and 60s , and some even become them . however , as we learned with the 1995 small-budget horror/sci-fi film , sometimes expectations can be shattered . a lot of criticism has gone against this film ( from what i have read so far , anyway--yep , all two reviews ) , and it makes me wonder why these types of films are automatically dismissed as gory , laughable pieces of trash . but , the thing is , it isn't . it's well made , well acted , and quite intelligent . i can see most of the critics now complaining about the level of gore or the level of sexuality in the film . but the species series isn't about the lack of these elements . it's about how much it can get into one film . and yet , behind it all , it has this basic premise that allows it to get away with doing so . species ii begins in the present day , though it seems to be an alternate universe . many films ( especially sci-fi ones ) create similar timelines as our realistic one , but change it to fit the film's needs . species ii begins with the arrival of an american spacecraft , the excursion , landing on the surface of mars . aboard is patrick ross ( justin lazard ) , a very bright and very handsome astronaut . patrick is the son of senator ross ( james cromwell ) , who just wants patrick to succeed . well , it would seem that he has succeeded . landing on the surface of mars , he is the first human being to ever do so . of course , he isn't the first ever . about a billion years ago , an alien species supposedly landed on mars and destroyed the perfect living conditions that were able to sustain life . now , of course , the red planet is cold and rocky . no life lives on it . that is , no visible life . patrick , upon leaving the spacecraft and landing on the red soil , collects samples from the ground . he takes them aboard , and puts them in storage . unfortunately , one of the samples contains a form of life , and it gets loose when it is heated aboard the ship . just prior to heading back to earth , this life form creeps along the floor and inhabits the earthlings . they pass out for approximately seven minutes , and then shrug it off as nothing , because they can't even remember . they blame it on a technical malfunction . back on earth , patrick begins to have strong urges to mate with as many women as possible . as we know from the original , this is because the alien wants to breed and take over the planet . however , the children that are bred are half-human , as their father is . patrick is really looking for another alien to breed with , and he finds it in eve ( natasha henstridge ) . eve was cloned from dna taken from sil , the original alien . however , this time around , most of her " alien " urges have been either decreased dramatically , or lie dormant . the project is led by dr . laura baker ( marg helgenberger , reprising her role from species ) , and her motives seem respectable . since she was involved with the original alien attack , she wants to learn how to stop the alien should it come again . and it has . story-wise , species ii is much stronger than its predecessor , but it is also much stronger than , say , aliens ( hey , i love the film , but you can't tell me it was strong on story ) . what surprised me the most with this film was the incorporation of historical facts into the screenplay . in my search for extraterrestrial intelligence course in college , we learned about a piece of rock from mars which landed in one of the poles . this piece of rock contained fossils which may have been proof of life on mars ( later , it was proven that it was not a living creature that created it ) . the script uses this effectively , but also manages to provide a well-balanced plot . beginning with the first man on mars ( something i have always dreamed of seeing ) , i was hoping that the film would turn this element into a useful starting point for the movie . and it does it quite well . the characters are all smart , and they know what to do and what not to do . the only character that seems a little cliched is the general ( george dzundza ) , and yet , he remains logical in everything he does . there are the obvious flaws of course , mostly lying in the technical aspects . the special effects are only mediocre , and some are just plain bad . but for the most part , they remain believable ( i even noticed a homage to the alien series when the mothers gave birth to alien children ) . also , the most realistic ones are usually the goriest , ranging from people being torn open , or someone's head being blown off . however , some plot elements also may elicit laughs from the audience , including a menage a troi that is all but necessary . many people dislike the species series because all it is is an excuse for sex , nudity , and gory violence . however , i tend to disagree . what were the alien films about ? and , if an alien species ever did come to earth , and their sole purpose was to destroy us , wouldn't you mate as quickly as possible with as many people as possible ? my only gripe with this is during the scene where patrick goes searching for a mate in a grocery store . i didn't realize that aliens were that picky on choosing women to mate with ( i just assume it is his part-human side looking for the most beautiful one ) . the acting is quite good for this kind of film . it is a vast improvement over the first film , at least . the acting is the key element to this film : if it was bad , it would have lowered itself into camp ; if it was good , it would have asked for comparison with films like aliens . okay , so it isn't that good . george dzundza is probably the most obvious mistake on casting , as his over-the-top impersonation of a general makes him annoying and distracting . natasha henstridge is limited this time around , as she is usually enclosed in a cage . however , she does manage a very impressive performance with this aspect hindering any of her talent . oh yeah , and she's quite fun to just plain watch . marg helgenberger is immensely better this time around , and her performance is probably the best in this film . michael madsen is so-so , but he isn't annoying , and he soon becomes rather appealing ( with his nice cynic personality ) . james cromwell has a small part , but he makes it much better than what it could have been with a more incapable actor . as i say , any film with james cromwell dramatically increases in likeability . mykelti williamson gives an enjoyable performance , and he gives the film a more down-to-earth feel . and , of course , justin lazard . lazard has so far been ridiculed for his performance , but i think he is effective . sure , he is wooden , but isn't that what his character is like ? the moment when he touches the glass separating henstridge from him was extremely well done , due to the couple's acting . species ii is rated r for strong sexuality , sci-fi violence/gore and language . this is definitely an r rated film that young kids should not see . more than likely , they would probably have nightmares and never have sex for the rest of their lives . hell , i don't even know if i will . what is sure to be a critically lambasted film turns out to be the surprise film of the year . i probably won't see another film where i was expecting so little and got so much for quite a while . director peter medak has crafted a very suspenseful , and sometimes very scary movie out of a mediocre series . medak has also mastered the wonderful " jump ! " moments , and has probably the second scariest moment i have ever seen on film ( scream still has the first ) . strong acting , smart dialogue , intelligent plotting , and a sure-handed director , species ii is exactly what these films should be : entertaining . plot : this movie takes place over one day . it's a rookie cop's narcotics training alongside a seasoned police veteran . the rookie doesn't know much about " street justice " , so the older cop teaches him about the way things work in the " real world " . how even cops like themselves have to " bend the rules " and " break the law " every now and then , in order to catch the really bad guys . critique : a pretty intense little movie with solid acting across the board , some ups , some downs and a thrilling ending , despite a couple of small flaws . i really enjoyed this movie because it followed two extreme characters and put them in situations which had me wondering about what i would do if i were in their place . the film gets right into the " dirty " side of , well . . . the dirt on the streets , and proceeds to teach the rookie cop ( and us , the audience ) how things really work down there . of course , we're receiving this lesson from a man who has put away a lot of scum in his time , but the things he seems to be doing aren't exactly on the up-and-up either . and therein , lies the fun of the film . do you agree that you yourself would need to break a few small laws in order to put away the people who break the really big ones ? well , as the film moves along , we're given two points of view in respect to this predicament , and to me , both sides made sense at some point or another . and you gotta give a lot of credit to the screenplay for that , the director , who builds the film up wonderfully ( with the darkness of the day leading to the darkness in the script ) and the two actors who deliver their parts in spades . hawke , first off , because he rarely plays these " commercial " roles but does so perfectly here , with a vulnerable side which has you feeling for the bastard right off the top . and denzel , well , what can you say about mr . washington that hasn't already been said before ? he comes through as per his usual high-level style here , and gives the audience a completely different side to his talent , of which , i personally would like to see more . he's nice , he's not so nice , he's smart , he's not so smart , he's caring and he's a dog all the way . the few problems that i did have with this film included the redundant nature of the whole thing at some point ( okay , we get it . . . you have to be nasty in order to deal with these nasty people . . . move on ) and this one really major " coincidence " which involved a bathtub , that saved the day for one character , but seemed a little too " convenient " for my taste . i also never really understood how washington's character got out of a certain dire predicament , only to be seen driving his car in the very next scene . but obviously these small flaws didn't taint my overall enjoyment of this tense drama , a film that gets you right into the streets , into the nooks and the crannies , and into the moral dilemma which lies between the justice system and the day-to-day drug busts . see it if you want to wrestle with some of these issues yourself , see it if you want to see denzel and ethan strike up a palpable chemistry on-screen , and see it if you like holding on to your seat-handles real tight during a movie . in fact , see it for the scene in which ethan hawke plays cards with a host of gang-bangers alone . . . dang , now that's intense ! where's joblo coming from ? the corruptor ( 7/10 ) - crimson tide ( 9/10 ) - l . a . confidential ( /10 ) - lethal weapon ( 8/10 ) - requiem for a dream ( 8/10 ) - seven ( 10/10 ) - shaft ( 7/10 ) - traffic ( 8/10 ) a thriller set in modern day seattle , that marked marky mark's migration from the " good vibrations " and " calvin klein undie ad " guy , to mark wahlberg , thespian-at-large , and a mighty good one at that . plot : boy ( wahlberg ) meets girl ( witherspoon ) . boy likes girl . girl likes boy . boy and girl begin dating . parents of girl aren't crazy about the boy . girl steps to boy's defense . family problems occur . girl learns more about the boy . boy goes nuts . fun ensues . critique : ever wonder what would happen if your better half turned out to be someone other than the person that you had come to cherish and love ? well , if you ever have , then this film is definitely for you . it isn't the most original premise in the world , but it is handled pretty well here , and pretty quickly for that matter ( a speedy 90 minutes ) . i think one of the main reasons this film worked for me is the groundbreaking performance by mark wahlberg ( of boogie nights infamy ( 7 . 5/10 ) . he completely captured all the goodness , and badness , of the main character of this film , and always kept me wanting to see more and more of him ( his performance scored him a solid nomination from his core target audience , as " best villain " at the 1997 mtv movie awards ) . the soundtrack is also very effective in this setting , and of course , the slutty performance by alyssa milano is something we could all indulge in ( look for the nice bikini and butt shots . . . if you're into that kind of thing , that is : ) . i didn't much care for the father/david relationship which seemed to be a little too contrived , but for the most part , i was really into this movie . then again , daddy dearest did have one of the coolest lines in the movie when his wife is asking him what the " big deal " was about his daughter dating david . his reply : " the big deal is that the guy gives me the creeps , and the girl is my daughter . " good point . all in all , the movie kicked some fun ass , mindless as it was , and effectively demonstrated every parent's worst nightmare . mind you , i still can't tell if reese witherspoon is good looking or a douchebag , but hey , life goes on . and on a personal note , we finally decided to add some taco meat onto our nacho fiesta of usual , and let me tell you all . . . it was a flaming success ! ! another firm recommendation by joe schmoe ! little known facts : director james foley was the man responsible for the critically acclaimed glengarry glenross ( 8/10 ) back in 1992 , at close range ( 7 . 5/10 ) in 1986 , and even directed an episode of twin peaks in 1990 . mark wahlberg stands 5 " 9 , is born in massachusetts , dropped out of highschool ( later got his ged ) , and was convicted of several minor felonies before starting his career as the lead singer of marky mark and the funky bunch . his brother is donnie wahlberg of new kids on the block fame . he is also testing the waters on the acting front . wow ! what a movie . it's everything a movie can be : funny , dramatic , interesting , weird , funny , weird and strikingly original . yep that pretty much describes this movie . it starts out like a regular movie and ends up being one of the weirdest , funniest most original movies i have ever seen . it boggles the mind and some have to wonder why we cannot get movies like this more often . besides being one of the best films of the year , being john malkovich may as well be one of the best movies ever . period . then again there are so many good movies , that one cannot pick an all time favorite . john cusack plays a puppeteer craig schwartz a man out of a job , in search of a job . his wife lotte schwartz who is played by a completely un-noticeable cameron diaz who looks like something off the streets is an animal lover and has about every kind of animal you could think of . craig finds a job as a file at the 7 ? floor of a business building . . . you have to pry open the elevator doors open before it reaches floor eight , the 7 ? floor is just a floor between 7 and 8 . he is hired by his 105 year old boss ( orsen bean ) to be a filer . in his office , he discovers a little door , to which was boarded up and hidden . to his curiosity he opens it and starts to crawl toward it , he then gets sucked to the end and ends up in john malkovich's mind . fifteen minutes later he is shot out onto the side of the new jersey turnpike . he returns to tell his co-worker maxine ( catherine keener ) that he has found a portal that will lead him into john malkovich's mind , she doesn't believe him but after she sees it it changes her mind . lotte also finds out about the portal and discovers that being someone else is good after all . john malkovich of course has no idea what is going on , and by the end of this bizarre film there are so many twists and turns , that we don't know what really happened . john cusack is outstanding and utterly believeable in a role only he himself could play . he fits the role perfectly and to me was brilliantly cast . cameron diaz is outstanding and utterly one of the world's most prettiest women , is made up here unnoticeable and very unattractive . she however gives a very comic performance and this could easily be her best role to date . catherine keener is very funny and sexy as maxine and of course the best thing of the movie is the magic himself john malkovich who is very brilliant and this movie plays big time homage ? to the master himself . the whole group combined gives us a wonderfully funny movie that is also smart and clever . spike jonze ( three kings ) makes his fabulous directing debut , and did a fantastic job of directing this new classic film . he lets the viewer go on the trip as well as let the viewer know they are watching a movie . by the time the ending rolled around my head was spinning from disbelief of how good this film was . the screenplay written by charlie kaufman was hilarious and often thought-provoking . the film also had a soft side to it and even though the ending is very surprising it is also a little sad and heart-warming . the whole movie was fantastic and had me rolling in the isles . from cameron diaz's appearence to john malkovich's explorations i laughed very hard , and it may as well be as funny as as good as it gets ( the funniest ! ) . there isn't a slow point in the movie , or an overused idea . there are no cliches except for the fact that this is the most original , inventie , witty , and smart movie i've seen in a long time . i found myself amazed by everything : the direction , acting , writing and the whole idea of the movie . by the end i had to wonder why hollywood doesn't want to make movies like this anymore . or why they don't . all filmmakers watch this movie and get some ideas of movies to come out . this was a surprise hit as was american beauty . 'being john malkovich' is in the top 5 movies of the year , and in the top 10 best films ever made . it has something that no other movies playing now has . in fact it may as well be the best movie out right now . i highly recommend 'being john malkovich' and have no doubts you will be disappointed . richard gere can be a commanding actor , but he's not always in great films . everything comes together here . gere is a big time chicago defense attorney who takes on a seemingly unwinable case in hopes of even more publicity . it doesn't go exactly as he expects . gere's client , aaron ( edward norton ) , is a shy stuttering tennessee boy who is accused of brutally murdering and mutilating a catholic archbishop . the evidence is stacked against him . he was caught running from the scene covered in the bishop's blood . his bloody footprints are all over the murder scene . he has a relationship with the priest . gere talks to the boy , believes that he is actually innocent and sets about finding the real killer . despite the lawyer's proclamations that he doesn't care about the guilt of his clients and that the real thrill is gambling with people's lives , he becomes involved with aaron and is determined to free him . lots of complications and twists . the prosecuting attorney is gere's former co-worker and lover . they both work each other's motives to their legal advantages and it gets messy . her boss had major economic dealings with the archbishop that went sour and seems to have crime connections . aaron gets weirder and weirder as the trial goes on . gere's case is falling apart and he is faced with about a dozen ethical dilemmas . gere is exceptional as the well-dressed reserved counselor , but just once , i wanted to see him kick back and come out of his " suit " persona . even when he loses it , you don't see very far inside . norton's aaron is convincing : he comes across as the backwoods kid misplaced in the big city . the supporting cast does a fine job of holding together the story . as with most of the effective courtroom dramas , the cinematography is crisp and rich . the story will keep you on the edge of your seat . nothing is what it seems . glory--starring matthew broderick , denzel washington , and morgan freeman--is the true story of the 54th regiment of massachusetts , the first black fighting unit recruited by the north during the civil war . broderick plays robert gould shaw , the young white officer who led the black soldiers into battle . shaw , the son of well-to-do abolitionists , hailed from boston high society . the letters he wrote home to his parents during the war are on display at harvard , and were , evidently , the inspiration for glory . as the film begins in 1862 , shaw is a captain in the northern forces . like private eriksson ( michael j . fox ) in casualties of war , shaw initially is naive and idealistic about the war--that is , until his company is attacked by enemy forces . shaw experiences first hand the horror and chaos of battle , witnessing mass slaughter and receiving a minor wound himself when a bullet grazes his neck . soon after his recovery , shaw is promoted to colonel and assigned to enlist and train blacks in the war effort . glory is the story not only of colonel shaw , but also of the black soldiers who laid down their lives to free their brothers from slavery . the film periodically jumps between shaw's point of view and the perspective of the black soldiers . the movie introduces us to a handful of black recruits , and we follow them from their enlistment through basic training and finally into action . the large black cast is uniformly outstanding , especially washington who is electrifying as a runaway slave with a big mouth . he is brash and pushy , always getting into trouble and always looking for a fight . his bitter , tough guy facade is really just a mask for his loneliness and vulnerability . washington provides much of the film's intensity and emotional power . in one heartbreaking scene , he is whipped for allegedly deserting the army . when he removes his shirt to receive the punishment , you cringe at the sight of his back , which is riddled with ugly scars from his days as a slave . it makes your blood boil . the humiliation of the beating is far more traumatic than the actual physical pain it brings ; a tear rolls down washington's cheek--and will probably run down your cheek as well . the episode becomes even more tragic when we learn that washington wasn't deserting the army at all ; he left camp to look for shoes because his feet were covered with oozing sores . freeman is , as usual , a strong presence , even in a small supporting role . he plays a grave digger who has buried more white soldiers than he cares to remember . he quickly becomes a leader among the black soldiers , holding the group together and serving as a liaison to the white officers . colonel shaw recognizes freeman's leadership ability and promotes him to sergeant major , making him the first black officer in the army . andre braugher makes an impressive film debut in the role of thomas searles , a free black who is one of shaw's close childhood friends . searles is educated and refined , like a white man , prompting washington to nickname him " snow flake . " the burning question is whether searles is tough enough to survive basic training and to kill in combat . the road from marching drills to battle action is a bumpy one for the black regiment . the soldiers suffer innumerable hardships , but somehow they never lose their morale . the army treats the black soldiers like second class citizens , subjecting them to racism and discrimination . they are paid only $10 a month , whereas their white counterparts earn thirteen , and , for a long time , they have to go without shoes , guns , or uniforms . to make matters worse , the white military hierarchy is extremely reluctant to allow the blacks into action , preferring instead to use them for manual labor . eventually , however , the regiment receives its boots , uniforms , rifles , and right to fight , thanks to the stubborn resolve of colonel shaw . shaw has absolute faith in his soldiers , and he fights tooth and nail to get them what they deserve , even if it means threatening a general with blackmail . broderick , in fact , is most convincing in the scenes where shaw stands up for the regiment . unfortunately , however , broderick's uneven performance is , in many respects , the weak link in the movie . in an effort to look more mature , broderick sports a mustache and a goatee , and throughout the film he slips in and out of a phony boston accent . he is never altogether convincing as shaw since much of the time his emotions seem forced . the film places too much weight on broderick's character and not enough on the black soldiers , who are more intriguing . glory regains lost ground with its harrowing depiction of war . the movie shows the devastation of war without resorting to the unnecessarily graphic gore which marred born on the fourth of july . glory does not try to rattle you with nauseating blood and guts . except for a few bullet wounds and one exploding head , the film , for the most part , leaves the gore to your imagination , which is not to say that the battle scenes in glory are timid . to the contrary , they are chaotic and horrifying ; it's just that director edward zwick ( the co-creator of " thirtysomething " ) films them with far more subtlety and restraint than oliver stone could ever muster . the key to glory is the group dynamic among the black soldiers . the movie depicts some of ( but not enough of ) their customs and rituals . in one scene , for example , the soldiers motivate themselves by singing prayers around the campfire . each man has a chance to relay a few words of inspiration . a couple of the movie's most touching moments involve young black children looking up to the black soldiers with awe , disbelief and pride . the regiment's greatest triumph comes when the soldiers distinguish themselves in battle , thereby earning the respect of their white peers and earning the honor of leading the climactic assault on fort wagner . like any war film , glory has its share of gloom and despair , but ultimately it proves to be a truly uplifting experience and an important history lesson , a valuable reminder that despite what the history books say ( or , more precisely , what they do not say ) , blacks played a critically important role in the north's victory over the south--forever changing the evolution of america . steven spielberg's second epic film on world war ii is an unquestioned masterpiece of film . spielberg , ever the student on film , has managed to resurrect the war genre by producing one of its grittiest , and most powerful entries . he also managed to cast this era's greatest answer to jimmy stewart , tom hanks , who delivers a performance that is nothing short of an astonishing miracle . for about 160 out of its 170 minutes , " saving private ryan " is flawless . literally . the plot is simple enough . after the epic d-day invasion ( whose sequences are nothing short of spectacular ) , capt . john miller ( hanks ) and his team are forced to search for a pvt . james ryan ( damon ) , whose brothers have all died in battle . once they find him , they are to bring him back for immediate discharge so that he can go home . accompanying miller are his crew , played with astonishing perfection by a group of character actors that are simply sensational . barry pepper , adam goldberg , vin diesel , giovanni ribisi , davies , and burns are the team sent to find one man , and bring him home . the battle sequences that bookend the film are extraordinary . literally . there is nothing in film that has ever been recorded that will prepare you for the sheer onslaught of terrorizing violence in the film's first 20 minutes . spielberg films almost the entire movie without music , leaving it up to the characters to generate emotion , and they do to perfection . the sequences in france , all of them , beginning with the battle and ending with the battle , are fabulous , especially the dialogues between the men as they walk through the hills and countrysides , trying to save private ryan . there are no words i can use to describe the true horror and power of these sequences . this is what coppola was looking for in " apocalypse now " , but couldn't create . the sheer horror of these sequences all but condemn war . the performance by hanks as the leader of this gang is also extraordinary . he is head and shoulders above of the rest of the actors in the world , with his comic timing , dramatic flair , his quiet emotion that stirs an entire nation to tears . hanks is this country's finest actor , and he proves it here . however , spielberg almost destroys his own masterpiece . with a chance to make it the one of the greatest films of all time , spielberg creates 10 minutes of purely worthless film . the sequence involving army chief-of-stafff george marshall and mrs . ryan is decent , but doesn't hold up to the rest of the film , relying on wartime cliches to power it . but that is forgivable . what isn't is the bookends of the film , the cemetary sequences . the first one is quite good , a decent introduction into the lives of these men . the last sequence is atrocious . the forced emotion , accompanied by a ridiculous piece of music , is simply horrible compared to the rest of the magical film . these flaws are what downgrade " ryan " from the greatest film of our era , to the greatest war film of our era . spielberg should have trusted his own material , and he should have trusted hanks to deliver the most chilling line of the movie , to end his masterpiece right there . the use of the flag , though patriotic , is in contrast to the movie's theme . the power of the bulk of the film , however , is astonishing . spielberg has truly made a wondrous work of art , that persists even after first viewing of the film , is extraordinary . this is the film of the year . truman ( " true-man " ) burbank is the perfect name for jim carrey's character in this film . president truman was an unassuming man who became known worldwide , in spite of ( or was it because of ) his stature . " truman " also recalls an era of plenty following a grim war , an era when planned communities built by government scientists promised an idyllic life for americans . and burbank , california , brings to mind the tonight show and the home of nbc . if hollywood is the center of the film world , burbank is , or was , the center of tv's world , the world where our protagonist lives . combine all these names and concepts into " truman burbank , " and you get something that well describes him and his artificial world . truman leads the perfect life . his town , his car , and his wife are picture perfect . his idea of reality comes under attack one day when a studio light falls from the sky . the radio explains that an overflying airplane started coming apart . . . but then why would an airplane be carrying a studio light ? the next day during the drive to work , the radio jams and he starts picking up a voice that exactly describes his movements . he is so distracted that he nearly hits a pedestrian . when the radio comes back to normal , the announcer warns listeners to drive carefully . his suspicion aroused , he wanders around the town square looking for other oddities . the world appears to be functioning properly until he enters an office building and tries to take the elevator . the elevator doors open up on a small lounge with people on coffee breaks . a grip sees truman him and quickly moves a paneled door , made to look like the back of an elevator , into place . two security guards grab him and throw him out . truman is really suspicious now . it gets even worse the next day when his wife , a nurse , describes an elevator accident in the building where he saw the lounge . " it's best not to think about it , " she says , trying vainly to change truman's memory . truman becomes determined to see who or what is behind this apparently elaborate hoax at his expense . at every turn he is stopped by an amazing coincidence that just happens to keep him in his own little town . his last hope is to quell his fear of the ocean and sail to the edge of the world . you know by now that truman's life is the subject of a television program . his actions are " real " but everything else is carefully scripted , from the death of his father to the choice of his wife . truman is determined to find out what the big hoax is . meanwhile , christof , the all-seeing creator of truman's world does his best to keep him unaware and happy . it's sort of like westworld told from the robots' point of view , or jurassic park from the dinosaurs' point of view . we root for the captive of the cage-world . our protagonist is counting on " chaos theory " to help him escape his elaborate trap . the story , written by andrew niccol ( writer/director of gattaca ) , introduces some interesting questions , such as the ethics of subjecting a person to this type of life , or the psychological impact of learning that your entire life has all been fake . although these questions came to mind , i don't think the film itself asked them . it certainly didn't address them or try to answer them . i was particularly disappointed that the film didn't deal more with the trauma of learning one's life is a tv show . carrey's performance at the end showed a smidgen of truman's pain , but i almost felt that he got over it too easily for the sake of the film's pacing . earlier in the movie i found myself wondering if it would be better for truman to find out the truth or whether i should root for him to be well . the two seemed exclusive of one another , but weir and niccol didn't see it that way . perhaps it's not fair to criticize a movie for what it isn't , but it seems like there were some missed opportunities here . but on its own terms , the movie is well made . sight , sound and pacing are all handled competently . much of the first part of the movie is the truman show . the scenes are all apparently shot from hidden cameras , with snoots and obstructions covering the corners of the screen . one hidden camera is apparently in his car radio , the green led numbers obscuring the lower part of the screen . the music is well-chosen and scored . the film opens with what sounds like family drama theme music , when truman's world is still beautiful and perfect . when the movie ends , the score sounds more like a frantic , driven , tangerine dream opus , while still keeping the same timbre . philip glass' epic music ( from powaqqatsi ) permeates truman's scenes of suspicion and awakening . ( glass has a small cameo as a keyboardist for the show . ) and the pacing of the story was brisk . there was no unnecessarily long setup explaining the concept behind the truman show , just a few quick title cards , a few interviews , and then right into the show , and the movie . one of the first scenes is of the studio light falling ; there was no token scene of truman's idyllic life before it falls apart , because it wasn't necessary , we pick up the story at the first sign of trouble , and no sooner . there's also no point in the movie where the plot slows down . it's a quick , straight shot to the movie's end . in terms of overall quality , i would compare the truman show to niccol's gattaca . both films are well made with interesting stories set in interesting worlds . but neither film really felt like it capitalized on all the great ideas ; neither film " clicked " and became an instant classic . nevertheless , i look forward to niccol's next film , whatever it may be . you always have to be careful with the first official studio release out of the gate each year . they're obviously films for which the studios have no great hopes ( having missed both the deadline for academy award eligibility and the big box-office holiday season ) . combine that with howie long's first starring action role , and you've got a doozy of a movie that , while not as bad as it could have been , isn't a very good film . howie stars as an ace smokejumper ( a firefighter who parachutes into forest fires unreachable from the ground ) . in the slightly contrived opening scenes , we witness his heroism in action , as he , and his mentor ( played by scott glenn ) attempt to rescue a small girl and her dog from an oncoming forest fire . william forsythe plays the bad guy , a mass murderer who has several million dollars tucked away to help fund his jailbreak . he ( and five convict cohorts ) manages to get selected for firefighting duty when a woodland blaze just happens to ignite nearby . his escape plan bets a lot on the laxity of the guards , but ( since there must be a movie ) luck is with him . soon the now-escaped convicts are masquerading as canadian firefighters . why canadian ? who knows , eh ? along the way they pick up a pretty birdwatcher ( suzy amis ) to be their hostage . enter howie long . he's called in to help fight the blaze , and when he spots the group of " ground pounders " , apparently lost , he parachutes in to help . when he discovers their true identity , he is the only thing standing between them and escape , and the only hope of help for the hostage . long's acting talents are above those of , say , steven seagal , but not by much . although his delivery is mostly flat and wooden , he's a likeable hero , and there are some hints here and there that he may get better . the script doesn't help him out any , however . all too often , it veers into the realm of the unintentionally funny . the dialogue is strictly b-movie material , and the plotting relies too heavily on coincidences to be believable . long's co-stars are a mixed bag . at least they're all comfortable in their respective roles . forsythe has the scenery-chewing villain down cold , down cold , and scott glenn is always enjoyable to watch , even when he doesn't seem to be stretching his talents ( as is definitely the case here ) . suzy amis plays peril pretty well , but isn't given much more to do . some of the nature and wildfire shots are interesting , but many are rather bland . you'd think that the director , dean semler , a former cinematographer , would at least produce a film with interesting visuals . that's not the case . there's a lack of originality to nearly all the sequences . . . we've seen this stuff before . it's not the most auspicious start to 1998 , but it could have been worse ( just think back to 1996's debut , bio-dome ) . however , after a month of oscar-caliber pictures , a movie like firestorm at least gives you some perspective on how good those movies really were . in fact , there's a good chance that some of them are still playing near you . . . synopsis : easily-angered , chainsmoking architect david encounters his homicidal first wife diedre five years after their divorce . diedre easily cons david's not-so-bright new wife molly into believing she's a child psychologist so that she can influence molly and david's quick-tempered son , michael . diedre , at the same time , murders a bunch of people . comments : the ex is a very bad movie . i haven't seen a turkey of this magnitude in quite a while . i kept vacillating , however , between giving the ex one star for its sheer awfulness and three stars for its campy humor ( ultimately , i decided to split the difference and give it two stars ) . as summarized briefly in the synopsis , this is yet another spurned-psycho-lover-gets-her-revenge type movie . i'm not sure how many films have been produced since fatal attraction which use this tired storyline , but it seems like 10 , 000 , 000 , 000 . the ex , however , though following many of the standard cliches of this thriller subgenre , differs slightly from the norm in that , at least , it doesn't take itself too seriously like so many other duds do ( malicious and stalked are two examples which come to mind ) . those involved in the movie realize they're in a turkey , apparently , and turn in hammy performances which compliment the ludicrous dialogue contained within the script . the ex's storyline , as i said , incorporates many cliches predominant in films of its nature ; however , the plot is so overwrought and unbelievable that , after a while , the viewer must accept that logic does not operate in the realm of the movie . diedre , david's first wife , kills and kills and kills , for example , without ever having to worry about police investigations and the like ( it's not as though she's bright enough not to leave fingerprints at the scene of the crime ) . david and his new wife molly have an incredibly difficult time understanding why michael , their son , has emotional problems , specifically his inability to control his anger . though david smokes like tomorrow will never come and blows up at people every other minute in the movie , the connection between him and his son is not made . molly is easily swayed by diedre into believing she's a child psychologist and allows the demented woman to spend time with her son . time and time again , things do not add up in this movie . if a viewer can't accept this fact , then he will definately not like the ex . if , on the other hand , he can appreciate the movie for its campiness , then he'll probably like it much better . i don't mean to necessarily suggest , however , that the ex is a memorable exercise in camp . even when viewed from an it's-so-bad-it's-good angle , this movie isn't all that successful . the ex does have its moments , though , almost all of which involve yancy butler ( the psychotic diedre ) and nick mancuso ( david ) . these two actors turn in decidedly hammy performances which , oftentimes , elicit chuckles from the audience . the truly awful lines written for them help this humor along . butler gets the larger portion of bad dialogue ; every time her character kills someone , she has a punchline that's unbelievably inane . when she murders a tenant of an apartment she wishes to use to spy on david , for example , diedre whacks the elderly lady with a crowbar and states " i'm so sorry , your lease is terminated . " or how about when diedre takes out her therapist in another ridiculous scene ? ( diedre's therapist wishes to have her recommitted , so she decides to visit diedre , alone , in her new apartment -- never realizing , of course , that it's not her's . therapists typically are catatonically brain-dead in these movies ) . having successfully snuffed the woman out , diedre looks at the body and says : " what was it that you always said to me at the end of each session , dr . jones ? oh , that's right . 'i'm sorry , but your time is up ! ' " this is what passes for humor in the film . the audience doesn't necessarily laugh but groan ( the type of groan that suggests the audience can't believe they're watching this crap -- although watching it they are ) . nick mancuso's chainsmoking , nervous-wreck character does not have the cheesy lines that butler's character delivers , but his ridiculously overdone performance provides for some better comic relief . in between drags off his cigarette , for instance , in one of the movie's best scenes , david tries to explain to his lawyer what a creep his ex-wife is . in exaggerated exasperation , he nearly shouts " the woman is a cuckoo-bird ! " ( trust me , it is funny in context . ) and so , the movie continues until its painfully obvious conclusion . i won't reveal the ending specifically ( though anyone remotely familiar with thrillers of this type could probably guess the ending just from this film review ) , but i will say that the ex has one of the biggest fire hazards appearing recently in film . molly and david own a cabin that becomes engulfed by flames in approximately three seconds ! molly , at one point in the film , not-so-brilliantly observes , after discovering diedre has moved into an apartment across from her family's to spy upon them , that " she's crazy . " you'd be pretty crazy too if you'd rented this turkey . i'd avoid it unless it's on tv and you come across it . if you do , you may want to watch it , groan at the bad punchlines and stupid plot , and feel good that you didn't spend money renting it . the blues brothers was a wonderful film , a hilarious comedy packed with good music . it cried out for a sequel , but john belushi's untimely death seemed to eliminate the idea . however , eighteen years have passed , and the long dormant sequel has finally emerged . unfortunately , it's a sequel not worthy of the original . the film starts exactly eighteen years after the first one ended . elwood blues ( dan aykroyd ) is just getting out of jail , his brother jake having recently died . as in the first film , he first visits mother mary stigmata ( kathleen freeman ) and then sets about getting the band back together . john belushi's absence leaves a terrible hole in the film , and although three new characters are created to fill the void , it is still very noticeable . first , there's cabel ( joe morton ) the illegitimate son of elwood's stepfather ( played by cab calloway in the first movie ) . cabel is reluctant to join his destiny , and spends most of the movie as an illinois sheriff , chasing the blues brothers band . next , there's mighty mack ( john goodman ) , a bartender who becomes the new lead singer of the band . finally , there's buster ( j . evan bonifant ) , a ten year old orphan who tags along with elwood and eventually joins the band . the plotting of the film is hardly original . . . it seems to be almost a clone of the original . elwood has to go to reluctantly retrieve each member of the band , they then travel , while being pursued by the police , and perform at several odd stops until they finally reach the big concert finale . the first film had neo-nazis as the random element , this time around , the russian mafia and a militia group fill their role . in fact , the duplication of the plot is so ridiculously complete that certain scenes are practically identical to the original . remember the classic performance at country bob's ( where they like both types of music : country and western ) from the first movie ? well , this movie has a performance at a country fair , where the band is expected to play bluegrass music . there's the massive police car pileup , although this time the gag falls completely flat . there's even an exact replica of the conversion scene in the church of reverend cleophus ( james brown ) . there are plenty of recurring characters too . in addition to mother stigmata and reverend cleophus , aretha franklin reprises her role as mrs . murphy . frank oz , a prison guard in the first film , makes an appearance here as the prison warden . as the stars , the new blues brothers don't live up to their legacy . aykroyd is more loquacious , yet much flatter as elwood . john goodman barely has a character as mighty mack . joe morton has the deepest character , but not a terribly interesting one , as cab . and what's the deal with the orphan ? it plays like a desperate gimmick that doesn't mesh at all with the rest of the film . at least bonifant isn't as precocious as he could have been in the role . but the true star , and the only saving grace , of the film is the music . and the film is packed with it ( even during and after the ending credits ) . although there are no brilliant mergers of comedy and song as in the original's rawhide/stand by your man medley , the music is very much enjoyable . to top it off , the film is packed to the gills with cameo musician appearances . b . b . king , blues traveler , eric clapton , travis tritt , wilson pickett , erykah badu , bo diddley and steve winwood are just a sampling of the multitude of stars that make an appearance here and there . unfortunately , the music pauses here and there to allow in the familiar plot . if simply copying the original blues brothers wasn't bad enough , writers aykroyd and john landis dumb it down , removing any memorable characters , and replacing them with flashy , but unbelievable , magical gimmicks . it's a shame . buy the soundtrack and avoid the film . better yet , rewatch the original . . . you'll have a much better time . michael crichton has had a long career of writing novels , many of which are science fiction . the most profitable film adaptation of any novel was an adaptation of a michael crichton science fiction novel . so in the logic of the film industry a good way to make a profitable film would be to make a big-budget adaptation of another crichton science fiction novel . congo failed , and i am afraid that sphere is probably not going to fare a whole lot better . it a little better than just okay novel and it makes a film that is not even that good . the film is expensive , over one hundred million dollars ; is long , 133 minutes ; has a terrific cast , including dustin hoffman , samuel l . jackson , and sharon stone ; but has little that is really original and less that is exciting . several years ago dr . norman goodman ( played by dustin hoffman ) was asked to write up a set of procedures for the government to follow if an alien entity was actually encountered . the plan he wrote was only semi-serious , but did explicitly define a team of experts who should investigate the alien . now that team has been assembled by a mysterious team leader named barnes ( peter coyote ) to study a spacecraft almost a half mile in length that apparently dropped into the pacific ocean in the early 1700s . suddenly norman's less than serious procedure has become an action plan for dealing with a real alien spacecraft . included in the team to investigate are mathematician harry adams ( samuel l . jackson ) , biologist beth halperin ( sharon stone ) , and astrophysicist ted fielding ( liev schreiber ) . together they travel to the deep pacific spaceship to understand its secrets . one major secret is the meaning of the huge sphere of gold-toned liquid metal at the heart of this spaceship . what is disappointing about this film is that it does not have really effective performances . director barry levinson is at his best with good actors rather than good special effects . the problem here is he is making a big-budget science fiction film . it has some effects , but the most intriguing effect he shows only as an outline on a radar screen . the technique is to suggest rather than to show and let the actors and the viewer's imagination carry the film as robert wise did with the haunting . that could be a reasonable approach in a low-budget film . but that requires creating much more atmosphere than levinson can manage to muster . it requires the actors to give really compelling performances and simply put , they don't . hoffman's acting seems muted . jackson seems to laid back . we do not feel for these characters and do not get inside their heads . levinson paid big bucks for his actors and does not really get price performance . and why we have queen latifah as a minor functionary on the expedition is anybody's guess . a cast of unknowns could have delivered as much emotional impact at a fraction of the price . look how much more powerful a film like alien was with only moderate actors . most science fiction spectaculars these days have second-tier actors and first-tier special effects . levinson tries second-tier effects , and first-tier actors , but never makes that exchange pay off for the viewer . perhaps sci-fi spectaculars are just not an actor's medium . the result gets a 4 on the 0 to 10 scale and 0 on the -4 to +4 scale . american pie 2 is filled with laughs . but they are mostly cheap ones built primarily upon sexual degradation and adolescent humor more fit for a locker room than a movie theater . i'm no prude and i admit to laughing along with everyone else at the preview screening to this sequel to the 1999 hit comedy . but the laughs are built on discomfort and embarrassment , not on any intrinsic humor from within the story itself . what separates american pie 2 from its predecessor is heart . of the original , i noted it was " a warm , pleasant outing about the travails of growing up . " well , the quartet of chums - jim ( jason biggs ) , oz ( chris klein ) , kevin ( thomas ian nicholas ) and finch ( eddie kaye thomas ) - have grown up . at least they are a year older , but don't seem any wiser . fresh from their first year of college the quartet , along with the obnoxious stifler ( seann william scott ) , rent a summer house by the lake in order to attract girls in an attempt to score . as usual nothing goes right until the last reel . but what we are left with is five guys spending nearly two hours drooling over various young women . and american pie 2 is rather degrading to women . for the most part , they are not shown as individuals . they are nothing more than potential recipients of over-active , raging hormones . it is telling that the most normal couple , oz and heather ( mena suvari ) spend the bulk of the film trying to have phone sex - she's overseas on an exchange student program . despite having been to college , jim is still klutzy and awkward , unsure of himself around the opposite sex . most of the pratfalls and humiliations are heaped upon him , including a painful episode involving an instant glue-like substance . also uncomfortable to watch is a sequence involving three of the lads with two young women roommates , whom the boys suspect of being lesbians . it is offensive and plays upon outdated , adolescent stereotypes to generate laughs . the first film , despite some raunchy moments , had an innocent charm to it . the sequel is more cynical . it knows what its predominantly male audience members want and unabashedly gives it to them : the many mentions of finch's encounter with stifler's mom becomes a tiresome running gag throughout as does eugene levy's return as jim's well-meaning , trying-to-be-hip dad . the only performer who is actually given some new , fresh material is alyson hannigan as michelle , the band geek from the original . in the sequel , she imbues her character with vulnerability , wisdom and maturity . american pie 2 is a pre-sold commodity that will earn several million at the box office . it is a shame , though , that in its rush to rake in some bucks screenwriter adam herz , who also penned the original , could not have set his sights higher . american pie 2 is funny , but it's still a comedown as well as a letdown . well , what are you going to expect ? it's a movie about a big snake that eats people . that's what i should have been thinking when i viewed this film , because maybe then i would have enjoyed myself more . instead , i ended up wishing a giant snake would come along and eat me , too . anaconda is about a documentary film crew sailing down a south american river . led by anthropologists dr . steven cale ( eric stolz ) and terri flores ( jennifer lopez ) , the crew is attempting to locate a lost tribe of natives . along the way , they find poacher paul sarone ( jon voight ) , and become unwillingly embroiled in his quest to capture the elusive anaconda . to simply say that this is the world's largest snake wouldn't be doing it justice , since the anaconda in this movie is at least two feet wide . if this isn't a good reason to avoid picking up hitchhikers , i don't know what is . at the beginning of anaconda , we find that flores and cale have had some kind of relationship in the past , but that seems to be more or less over now . i expected that fact to play a key part somewhere down the line , but it ended up being a set-up for nothing . cale chokes on a deadly wasp ( don't ask me how that happens - i don't know ) and is put out of action , relegated to being the person whom the rest of the film crew must get back to civilization for medical help . this minimally helps to add a sense of urgency for the plot , since this goal now comes in direct conflict with sarone's plan to capture the snake . however , this is negated by the fact that cale seems to get better by himself about halfway through the film , and in any event still results in zero payoff from the relationship angle . most bad characters are either annoying or stupid . in this movie , they're both . since this description applies to all the characters except sarone , it's hard to find someone to root for . you're supposed to back the good guys , but you really end up cheering for sarone because he's smarter than everyone else . or maybe he's just not as dumb as everyone else . at times , i almost found myself rooting for the snake . there are no standout performances here . everyone seems to be reciting lines written for stock characters . even voight appears to be doing his best impression of christopher walken for some reason . no matter , as in most monster movies , the snake is supposed to be the real star anyway . in most of the scenes , the snake is computer generated , and the effects crew did a decent job of making it look real . however , the realism is thrown off by some pretty unrealistic occurrences . sometimes , for example , the snake just moves too fast . it catches a guy jumping off of a waterfall , for crying out loud . then there's another scene where the snake eats one of the characters , and we see the snake's skin drawn so tightly over its prey that we can see the victim's pained expression from within the snake's belly . absolutely ridiculous . a testimony to the film's bad direction is the inclusion of a scene early on the in the film , where we get to see just how dangerous the mighty anaconda is . in a scene totally unrelated to anything else , we are witness to the big snake winning a showdown with a panther . the anaconda wraps itself around the powerful feline as if it were a stuffed animal and squeezes it so hard , one of the panther's eyeballs pops out . eeeewwwww . above and beyond the sick factor , however , this scene surprised me because it actually showed the face of the snake before a quarter of the movie had even passed . in films like these , a sense of mystery surrounding the monster must be maintained . if the characters are reacting to something they fear more than see , we as an audience must experience that feeling along with them . to show us the monster early on is to let us in on something the characters don't know about , and therefore allow us to get used to the danger before the pivotal moment when man and beast have their climactic showdown . in a case like that , the showdown just ends up being a letdown . when i saw the snake for the first time , i decided to give the film the benefit of the doubt and assume that the snake i saw wasn't the real danger . this one was just a decoy , and there was actually a bigger snake waiting to make its appearance just when everyone thought they were safe . no such luck . okay , maybe anaconda is actually a decoy , and there's really a better movie waiting to make its debut . this film is extraordinarily horrendous and i'm not going to waste any more words on it . midway through " anaconda " , documentary filmmaker terri flores ( jennifer lopez ) turns to a co-worker and says " i thought this movie would be my first big break . instead , it's turned into a disaster . " truer words have never been spoken . " anaconda " is a monster movie with a lousy monster . it's a suspense film that is utterly predictable . it's a mess the film does manage to drum up some scares , but only in the most elementary way , like a jack-in-the-box . as you turn the crank , you're totally aware that the damn clown is going to pop up , but somehow it's still mildly startling when it happens . the main difference between the giant snake in " anaconda " and the clown in a jack-in-the-box is that the clown is more realistic . " anaconda " boasts some of the worst special effects to appear onscreen in years . animatronic shots of the snake look as phony as any of those cringe- inducing robots you've endured at disney world . but it's the computer animated scenes that truly expand the meaning of the word lame . in one shot , a character tries to flee from the monster by diving from a tree near a waterfall , but the giant snake springs out and loops around its hapless victim in mid air . the scene , if done well , would have been a jaw- dropper . here , the horribly bad digital effects look less convincing than a saturday morning cartoon . what's really amazing is that the filmmaker's were so proud of this dreadful shot that they actually included it in the promotional trailers for the movie . but enough about the phony snakes . now it's time to talk about the lousy story . heroic and very pale anthropologist eric stoltz leads a documentary film crew down a brazilian river in search of the shirishama indians , a legendary tribe that supposedly lives in the boondocks of the rain forest . stoltz tells his crew " pray that you didn't forget your bug spray . " apparently the female crew members bathed in the stuff , because they spend most of the film wearing skimpy tops and short shorts with no ill effect . along the way , the group rescues a whacked-out lapsed priest ( jon voight ) who claims to know how to find the shirishama . within minutes , they throw away all their plans and follow voight down a tributary into the land of creepiness . from that point on , the film is a hodgepodge of scenes and shots ripped off from " jaws " and " dead calm . " one of the oddest structural points of the film is the handling of eric stoltz . early in the story , his character gets knocked into a coma by a river insect and spends virtually the rest of the movie unconscious . so why did they hire an actor of the caliber of stoltz for what amounts to a cameo appearance ? also , why did stoltz , who generally selects his roles with great care , agree to appear in this crap ? ah , the mysteries of hollywood . the remaining crew members are basically just snake food waiting to happen . jonathan hyde is mildly diverting as a pompous englishman hired to narrate the documentary , but lopez and ice cube manage to rise above their cardboard characters . lopez , who starred in " selena , " is an enormously appealing performer , possessing a vibrancy that makes even the most trite lines seem credible . ice cube has a special charisma ; an ability to look like a macho adult and a frightened boy simultaneously . there's also a special twinkle in his eyes , as if he's gently mocking his own tough-guy posturing . but the movie really centers around the outrageously hammy performance of jon voight . obsessed with capturing one of the giant anacondas , voight plays the villain in thick accent , with a series of leers and hisses , spouting the kind of dialogue usually heard only in episodes of " jonny quest . " at one point , he looms over the crew and says " the anaconda is the perfect killing machine . it strikes , wraps around you , holds you tighter than your true love . and you get the privilege of hearing your bones break before the power of its embrace causes your veins to explode . " that moment is so high-camp that it almost made the film tolerable . almost . fans of the horror genre may be tempted to check out " anaconda . " don't . there are a lots of horror films scheduled for release this summer , including another " alien " sequel . wait for them , rent " jaws " in the meantime , and don't throw away your money and time on drivel like this . if the 70's nostalgia didn't make you feel old , the 80's nostalgia is bound to . one of the latter set , " the wedding singer , " seems to be written by someone who did not experience the 1980's directly but only read about them in an article in parade magazine . the wacky fashions are here . . . and the music . . . and references aplenty to celebrities and signs of the times , but it all seems tediously-and too obviously-inserted for the didn't-we-dress-funny-back-then chuckle . the plot is standard romantic comedy with nothing original : robbie ( adam sandler ) is a wedding singer ; julia ( drew barrymore ) waits tables at weddings . both are engaged ; however , robbie's fiance ( angela featherstone ) dumps him at the altar , and julia's fiance ( matthew glave ) is a skirt-chasing speculator in junk bonds . robbie and julia go through the expected ups-and-downs as they realize they were meant to be together . i'll fess up-i've never found adam sandler funny . whatever his appeal is , i've missed it . ( other comedians i don't get include pauly shore and pee wee herman-make your own judgments ) . the stupidity and artificiality of the whole project is summarized in a cameo by billy idol as himself . idol looks like hell , and the ravages of his lifestyle are barely concealed by thick makeup . he's mocked by a photo of his younger self on a rolling stone cover in the same scene . we're not supposed to notice that , and we're not supposed to notice how silly it is that billy idol suddenly appears to play fairy godmother to robbie . other cameos , by steve buscemi and jon lovitz , provide the only real laughs in the movie . lovitz is especially good , playing a rival wedding singer plotting with the mania of a bond villain to take advantage of robbie's post-break-up depression . synopsis : nice girl susanne has sex with her boyfriend daniel in his car , visits daniel's rich family during thanksgiving at their mansion in the middle of nowhere , and has sex with daniel again in the basement . susanne and daniel must then decide where to hide from evil art thieves who shoot everyone else in the mansion to steal paintings . brace yourself for one of those painfully obvious " surprise endings . " comments : thanksgiving . for most , it's a time to be with your loved ones and enjoy a good , home-cooked meal . for the makers of body count , however , thanksgiving is a time for multiple murders , violence , profanity , family dysfunction , and sex . boy , do i feel all the more better having sat through this crap . alyssa milano , the former child star of who's the boss ? , matures to made-for-video sludge like this movie . someone somewhere thought it'd be a great idea to pair her with rapper ice-t , who has since guest-starred in the made-for-the-sci-fi-channel series welcome to paradox . this isn't exactly a winning combination . outside of permanently ruining a holiday for me , what else may be said for this turkey ? well , it teaches us that beautiful , attractive women who look strikingly like alyssa milano fall in love with nerds who drive down long winding roads with their eyes closed and complain about being english teachers . it presents us with a heartwarming thanksgiving dinner attended by alcoholic , stuck-up rich white people waited on by black servants . it shows us that old guys , try not to laugh , sit around and talk about " the appeal of postmodernism " during their free time . and , it proves that you can have sex in your parents' basement when they have a dozen or so guests over , and no one will notice . before i go any further , if any young male reading this has hopes of seeing alyssa naked , forget it . the filmmakers cleverly shoot the simulated sex scenes in a manner that makes sure you don't see any of milano's attributes . they do , however , inexplicably throw in a scene where ice-t whistles " jingle bells " after killing people , for whatever that's worth . this film was originally titled below utopia . perhaps they should have renamed it hell . avoid this clunker . well lets see . . . i'm not quite sure how to review this film , based on its laughter factor . well yeah i can , it's not funny . ok so i laughed one time which warranted the 1/2 star , but other than that i sat in my seat wondering when this pos would be over , ( which at a running time of 107 minutes seemed like forever ! ) . in fact , this could be the un-funniest movie i've seen in a long time , if not the un-funniest . let me be the first to say " ready to rumble " is a huge disappointment . long time wrestling lovers ( david and scott ) dream of making it to the wcw , and watching jimmy king wrestle . that is their hero of course , whom is kicked out of the wcw . well here is where the plot thickens ( lol ) : the two wish to rescue the king , and put him back into the wcw but not that easily , because they are being tampered with by many people who are out to get them , while david's father wants him to become a police officer , and scott is a loser who has to with the help of david clean out johnny on the spots . what a plot eh ? " ready to rumble " is one of those films that tries to be funny , but sadly fails miserably , everything in the film is imcomprehinsable , and even the trailer wasn't funny . the actors are dull , the script awful , and the plot which there isn't much of . . . . really annoying . i'm not quite sure how great actors like these , and very funny actors too , are given such a lame script , and directed in such a childish manner , that i wonder if hollywood is ever gonna make good films these days . this review isn't going to be very long because of the fact that there isn't much going for the film , if anything at all . only one big laugh is in the film , which isn't all that hilarious . i sat in my chair wondering with this 107 ( ! ! ! ! ! ) minute " comedy " was going to be over , and sadly it went on forever . i'm not sure if anything could have saved this film from being such a total waste , but believe me you , it is . reviewed by brandon herring 4/29/00 for more reviews please visit movie review central at http : //www . geocities . com/moviefan983/moviereviewcentral . html 14 years ago , national lampoon introduced us to a new family - the griswolds . in 1983 , the griswolds embarked on a cross-country journey with the destination of wally world , a world-renowned theme park in california . we laughed our heads off as we shared the wild and crazy mishaps the family endured . two years later , we watched again as they went to europe , and four years after that , we shared christmas with them . now , eight more years have passed , and the laughs have done more than die . they've been cremated . vegas vacation brings back chevy chase as clark griswold , the good intentioned but ill-fated father of two . the premise is basically the same . clark has a wonderful idea to take his family on a bonding vacation , this time to las vegas . his wife ellen ( beverly d'angelo ) and teenage kids rusty and audrey ( always played by different actors - this time around , by ethan embry and marisol nichols , respectively ) join him and they soon find themselves in sin city where casinos will make the backdrop for ninety minutes of slapstick . of course a " vacation " movie wouldn't be complete without good ole eddie ( reprised by randy quaid ) , the misfit cousin , showing up at all the wrong times . there isn't too much of a plot here when it comes right down to it . it's really just a skit movie . there are a couple of ways to define a skit movie , which is not a real term as far as i know . the first would be a movie that basically has one running gag for two hours , therefore coming off like a two hour skit . the second would be a movie that seems comprised of about twenty shorter skits , each lasting about five minutes . vegas vacation comes off like the first . a good example of the latter would be last year's black sheep . the problem with this format is that it becomes old fast , and it doesn't really fit into a movie mold . in these cases , a " plot " , which is generally very thin , is used either as a shameless filler between scenes or to simply add convenience to the gags ( i . e . have a good vegas joke , make a vegas movie ) . such is the case with this movie's mini-plots . clark gets gambling fever and begins spending all of the griswold's money , ellen is on the verge of an affair with wayne newton ( ! ) , rusty has a fake id and is using it to his gambling advantage , and audrey is desperate for fun and winds up joining her cousin vickie ( shae d'lyn ) as an exotic dancer . the simple fact is : this movie isn't funny . at first , i did find myself chuckling heartily at a couple of little jokes , but when the movie got rolling , my interest suddenly stopped . chase plays clark griswold really well . he made the character and he is the character . d'angelo , to be quite honest , never was too impressive as ellen , and this movie doesn't show any signs of redemption . as for the two new griswold kids , the word " blah " comes to mind . the " vacation " series seems out to prove that anybody can play these two characters , the simple reason being that there is nothing to them . they're so generic , you'll expect the credits to read " girl #1 as audrey griswold " . vegas vacation differs from the first three in the series by more than just laugh factor . yes , it's true that vegas vacation isn't even close to being close to being as funny as the others , which were actually pretty fun in their own doofy ways , but there are a couple of other things that set this one negatively apart . first off , why did they leave off the national lampoon's heading on the title ? i couldn't find any reasons why , but maybe the fact is even national lampoon didn't want to be associated with such a lame film . that's saying a lot , especially when you look at what else the company has proudly presented : loaded weapon 1 , pcu , etc . if they expected this to be another hit , you would assume they'd be proud to tack on the notorious header , but for reasons only we can guess at , like the movie sucking , they didn't . there is another difference here that makes an obvious impact . the first three films in the " vacation " series were written by john hughes , a talented writer who is behind several popular films of the 80's including mr . mom , sixteen candles , the breakfast club , weird science , pretty in pink , ferris bueller's day off , planes , trains , and automobiles , and uncle buck . wowzers ! what a r ? sum ? ! looking at the names , you'd think this guy wrote everything that now stands as a movie icon for the 1980's . well that's not all . this guy also brought us 90's hits including the home alone series , the remake of 101 dalmatians , dennis the menace , and the current flubber . vegas vacation , however , didn't have john hughes behind it , and the loss is very obvious . this time around , the script is in the hands of elisa bell , whose only credits thus far include four made-for-tv movies . vegas vacation plays very much like one , and it would actually work much better as a made-for-tv sequel . if this sounds like a wild idea , it's not . revenge of the nerds third and fourth installments were both television movies , and they seemed like it . vegas vacation would fit in well on the fox network as a 2 : 00 a . m . sunday morning movie , but as a silver screen major motion picture , it's quite out of place . stephen kessler's jejune direction doesn't help things either . he only makes the film even more tv-movie-ish . each consecutive " vacation " movie has suffered a drop in directing power . we started the series off with harold ramis , who also directed caddyshack and groundhog day as well as co-writing ghostbusters . not too bad . then we had national lampoon's european vacation being directed by amy heckerling , who would go on to direct the hits look who's talking and clueless , as well as having already directed the infamous fast times at ridgemont high . lastly we had national lampoon's christmas vacation , directed by jeremiah s . chechik , who went on to direct the charming benny & joon . kessler , so far , has one title under his belt , the short film birch street gym , which received an oscar nomination in 1992 . granted that this was his first attempt at a feature length film , we can allow for some amateurish quality , but instead we get a movie straight from the text book - boring , bland , and deeply unoriginal . if you loved the " vacation " movies , and i know * some * of us did , there still isn't anything here worth seeing . if you loved them , don't ruin your good impressions of the series by indulging in this tragic example of cinema ala carte . if you never did like the series , why the need to confirm why ? plunkett & macleane marks the directing debut of jake scott , brother of ridley and tony . naturally , this got me worried . would jake's talent be inherited from ridley or tony ? if it was from ridley , than the movie would be a thoughtful suspensor with action thrown in . if it was from tony , it would be wham bang drivel . unfortunately , the latter is true for this worthless picture with little charm . carlyle and miller are the titular highwaymen , plunkett ( carlyle ) who is poor and unruly , and captain james macleane ( miller ) a clean cut gentleman . as the tagline clearly wants to make known , they rob the rich and nothing else . the film basically follows the rowdy hold ups the two stage , along with romantic interludes with lady rebecca ( tyler . ) hot on both their tails is mr chance ( ken stott ) who wants to see them both dead . plunkett & macleane is an annoying little film that serves little purpose . although undoubtedly slick and fast paced , there's very little merit contained in the film . carlyle and miller are fun enough as the foul mouthed pair , although their characters are criminally undeveloped . it appears that much of the money has been spent on the expensive looking sets and costumes , but not on the script . the five ( ! ) screenwriters ( three credited ) have produced an still born movie : there's very little development in the story . also , major events , such as mr . cash finding out who plunkett and macleane really are , are so rushed that they barely happened . the story is a bit of a mess , frankly . the performances aren't bad : carlyle and miller are typical lads , but liv tyler is a huge disappointment as the love interest . her irritable , stilted performance sticks out like a sore thumb , and i was quite unsure on what accent she was trying to put on . she looks nice , though . more interesting is alan cummings as the campy lord rochester , and although his character amounts to nothing more than a two dimensional comedy gay character , he hams it up well . ken stott is suitably evil as chance , but again he is nothing but a flat character . i didn't particularly care when the predictable death sequence arrived . although a disappointment in writing , and a minor success in acting , the film certainly look lavish , with good costumes , and wonderful sets . but production design alone can't save a movie , especially a movie as bad as this mess . jake scott would be more suited to directing a music video rather than this failed update of a period drama : the only update seems to be the fact that everyone must talk dirty , with 'f * ck this' and 'stand and f * cking deliver' splattered all over the place . the mtv editing and direction are flash enough , but in the end decidedly empty . plunkett & macleane is a massive disappointment . although somewhat enjoyable during parts , it's so light it could float off the screen if it wasn't just images on a reel . there's no thought , no development , no plot , just a series of manic edits and quirky camera angles to make this film appeal to gen-xers . although it's a great idea : update a period drama to the mtv generation : it's execution is awful , and would more likely bore than excite . sloppy and occasionally off puttingly tasteless , it's hard to recommend plunkett & macleane as a movie , but easy to recommend it as a overlong music video . give it a miss . capsule : silly and inane adaptation of gibson's short story , which is nowhere in sight . gibson's script only adds insult to injury . johnny mnemonic is an awesomely bad movie . i say " awesomely " because it's one thing to fail , but another thing entirely to fail so completely that even the chances for camp value are sabotaged . keanur reeves ( who is terrible ) stars as johnny , an " information courier " who can carry dozens of gigabytes of data in his head . he is given " one last job " ( whenever you are in a movie and you hear those words , run ) , which involves him shoving so much data into his cranium that it could be lethal . one of the neater touches that the movie brings in is that the only way he could make such an arrangement work was by ditching all of his childhood memories , but it's only followed up on in a token fashion . for his trouble , johnny gets chased by the yakuza , who seem to be the new bad guys in all the high-tech thrillers . what's funny is that if you watch gangster movies made * in * japan , there are whole gobs of details about genuine yakuza behavior and ethics , but of course there's no room in this movie for any of that . the yakuza are simply used to point guns , wave swords , flaunt tattoos , and grimace menacingly . ( i could go on about how gangsters and criminals of many other ethnicities have gotten thoughtful examinations in the movies -- bound by honor , sugar hill and american me come to mind -- when asians remain perpetually stereotyped . but that's another essay . ) anyway , johnny runs and eventually winds up in newark . why newark ? maybe because it was cheaper to fake a future newark than a future new york , that's why . there , he meets an assortment of odd characters ( ice-t , dolph lundgren and henry rollins play a whole gallery of weirdos ) . the script deals with them with all the depth of pieces of furniture . it turns out ( what else ? ) that the data in johnny's head could save a lot of people , but of course johnny only wants it out of his head so it doesn't kill him . handled right , this could have been absorbing , but the script manages to mangle any chance of real sympathy for johnny at every opportunity . the details about the look and feel of the future are all phoned in from other , better movies -- blade runner and brazil come to mind . everything looks run-down and scummy , everyone dresses like they're punk rockers , and videophones are commonplace . snore . the only really interesting flourish is an extended depiction of the way the internet might work in the future ( complete with vr goggles and feedback gloves ) , but i kept thinking that it was more like what some relatively un-technical fellow would * think * it would look and behave like . a hacker of johnny's caliber would be blasting away with one command-line function after another , instead of wasting all this time twiddling with holograms , but of course that's not cinematic . whatever . what went wrong with this movie ? gibson wrote his own screenplay , which i guess is part of the problem : what works as a short story doesn't work in a movie . his ear for dialogue is terrible and the plot doesn't advance , it convulses . from the script on out , it was probably all downhill . renting the movie to make fun of it is sort of pointless ; there's no fun in kicking a wounded dog , is there ? i didn't hate the big hit , even though it is a stupefyingly terrible film . for the entirety of its running time , my eyes were attached to the screen , and i never once got bored . i found the film interesting because of its unique awfulness : this is such a confused disaster of a film that it's entertaining to watch it in the same way that it's entertaining to witness a thirty car pileup on a freeway spaghetti bowl . as a narrative , the big hit is pure garbage , never truly deciding its genre and constantly crossing all kinds of boundaries . it reminded me a lot of grosse pointe blank , which is a similar film that fails in a lot of the same ways . it's fine to mix genres , if the film makers know what they're doing . unfortunately , writer ben ramsey and director kirk wong don't seem to know how to handle the material , and the result is an action film that wants to be a comedy . the biggest problem with the amalgamation , in this case , is that the film is absurd and the comedy is out of place . but it sure is a fascinating failure . marky . . . er , mark wahlberg stars as melvin surley , a hitman . he's a good hitman , apparently , although his tactics seem a bit rambunctious ( he doesn't snipe or make clean kills--he just kicks the door down and shoots everything ) . he works with a few other hitmen--cisco ( lou diamond phillips ) , crunch ( bokeem woodbine ) , and vinnie ( antonio sabbato , jr . ) . they're a nice bunch of muscular guys , who stand around in the locker room after working out and compare masturbation to sex . they all work for a man named paris ( avery brooks ) , who is rich , powerful , and in constant need of four sloppy hitmen . it is very important that they never go beyond their boss and do work on their own ; this , of course , is where the plot comes in . they decide to kidnap a young japanese girl named keiko ( china chow ) , who has a rich father . when they do this , it turns out she is paris' . . . goddaughter ! it's very bad to have paris against you . the story is standard action film stuff . it's nothing new , and nothing particularly offensive ( but certainly not the slightest bit compelling ) . clearly the major selling point of the big hit is that it's a john woo-type of action film mixed in with some really hip comedy . it's true that a lot of the action sequences resemble recent films that go for the same idea ( such as face/off and the replacement killers , which are both far superior ) . there are stunts that are fun to watch : the opening sequence has melvin and two of his partners going in to kill some guy who has nothing to do with the story . they use night vision goggles and really powerful handguns . melvin is also very good at breakdancing , and uses this talent to avoid bullets and knives . like i said , it's not boring ; most disasters aren't . what makes it so bad is its genre-shifting madness . it seems to start out as a quirky-but-realistic action comedy , as melvin is seen transporting bags of human remains . then , as soon as they go to their first hit , it turns into a music video with bodies and bullets flying everywhere . then , somewhere in between , it turns back into comedy . keiko turns out to be a spunky little girl ; in one amusing scene , she is forced to read a letter out loud , indicating that she has been kidnapped , but the letter is littered with grammatical errors that skew the meaning of the words . and scenes like this work alone , but wong applies this goofy tone to scenes that should be more serious , or not be in the film at all . one of the most irritating moments has paris ordering cisco to come up to his office after he learns that keiko has been kidnapped ; when cisco gets there , paris and his men are standing around as if they knew cisco did it , but they let him out of there , telling him to find the perpetrator . the scene is played for laughs , but it isn't funny . and since it doesn't quite work as a comedy , it tries to fall back on the action , which also fails . this is a film where people fly fifteen feet backwards when shot with a handgun . cars land on tree branches and are supported by them . characters betray each other without a second thought . grenades are thrown in tight places . people jump out of tall buildings and survive . people outrun tumbling cars , and get out of the way of falling objects in small fractions of seconds . most frustrating of all , though , is the film's definition of a hit man : these guys are anything but subtle , quiet , and skilled individuals . they're more like socially depraved militia men ( melvin has an extensive collection of firearms in his garage , including missile launchers and hand-held machineguns ) . the characters each have one trait that distinguishes them from the rest ; this obviously doesn't make for deep or interesting people to watch . the acting is kind of fun , though--wahlberg is a good actor , and his innocuous presence in this film is charming in a silly sort of way . phillips certainly has fun with his psychotic character , while christina applegate , who plays melvin's fianc ? e , is convincingly air-headed . the big hit is an action film that unknowingly spoofs itself in trying to be funny . the funniest parts are supplied by the actors , and not by the numerous failed attempts at sight gags and one-liners . it's a true disaster , one that makes me believe that the goofy and unrealistic tone is completely unintentional . despite all this , though , i must reiterate the entertainment value here . you can cherish the awfulness of a film like this . if you embrace the big hit for the catastrophe that it is , you just might enjoy yourself . when the film features richard lynch in the role of chief villain , you know that you can expect nothing more than a b grade action movie . however , since this film also featured michael madsen , more than capable character actor , this time in the role of protagonist , the author of this review decided to give the film some benefit of the doubt . however , the very first scenes show clear b grade action credentials - madsen plays richard montana , tough policeman who raids a drug warehouse and make life miserable for local crime lord mario gio ( played by lynch ) . however , the raid was only partially successful , and montana is getting the rap . so , he begins his own private war against gio , trying to penetrate his organisation pretending to be corrupt . in the process , he meets gio's mistress gina zamora ( played by rosie vela ) and starts relationship with her too . although it doesn't stink like many of the similar films can , inside edge is mostly forgettable b grade action routine . nobody in this film actually puts much effort , including madsen or lynch , and this is especially case with uninspired screenwriter william tannen or director warren clarke . the only not so forgettable element in this film is presence of former supermodel rosie vela , who , apart from showing her more than impressive looks , shows some of the singing talent too . however , this isn't reason enough for viewers to spend hour and half watching a film that they would , in most likelihood , forget the next day . what are the warning signs of a * terrible * movie ? making it's debut at the dollar theater ? locally , chairman of the board did just that . having the annoying prop comic scott thompson ( better known as carrot top ) in the lead role ? chairman of the board , once again . how about an overly exhausted , paper thin plot approached with utter incompetence ? did somebody say chairman of the board ? that's right , carrot top's long dreaded major motion picture debut ( at least for a starring role ) is poking up in a handful of theaters across the country . chairman of the board stars the obnoxious , wannabe-zany king of redheaded standup comics as a lazy but creative , inventive but uneventful generation x- er named edison . living with a pair of surfer dudes in a small , rented house , edison bounces from job to job , always squandering away the money on his eccentric ( to say the least ) inventions and ignoring crucial responsibilities such as rent . this has the crabby landlady , ms . krubavitch ( estelle harris , best known as george constanza's mother on " seinfeld " ) , threatening an eviction if past due expenses aren't furnished post haste . as luck would have it , edison soon meets armand mcmillan ( jack warden ) , an old surfer dude who just so happens to be president of the multi-million dollar mcmillan industries . sharing a passion for more than just riding waves , armand is deeply impacted by the young inventor's notebook of dreams and ideas , and when the old man dies soon afterward , edison learns he is named a benefactor in armand's will . predictably , edison acquires the entire corporation and has to maintain productivity with absolutely no knowledge of the business world . predictably , there is a bitter nephew ( larry miller ) whose lesser inheritance fuels resentment that will lead to an elaborate sabotage plot . predictably , there is an attractive employee ( courtney thorne-smith ) whose initial repulsion will transform into love for our doofy protagonist . predictably , the man who knows nothing will fight against the odds and give the company it's most profitable and successful turnaround ever , all because he ran things by common sense and not greed . it's as though writers turi meyer , al septien , and alex zamm ( meyer and septien also wrote leprechaun 2 together ! ) pulled a plot out of a hat and worked carrot top into it . the jokes , the " surprises " , the developments - all of them run such a predictable path , it may only be carrot top's signature brazen red hairdo that sets this one apart from the myriad of similar films . a movie this bad speaks for itself . what's left to say when every element the movie possesses is a shameful retread of movies past ? the script is 100% recycled , the direction is hokey , and the acting is absolutely horrible . it is only thorne-smith who seems to take her job seriously , an accomplishment which surely deserves the medal of honor . she certainly went beyond the call of duty - she has to kiss carrot top ! ! ! ! ! ! ( barf bag , please ! ) movies like this give the audience nothing to do but ponder just how many synonyms for " bad " there really are . chairman of the board , without a doubt , deserves each and every one . the only way this won't end up on everybody's " bottom ten of the year " list , is if they were lucky enough never to have seen it . just because you can't miss his outlandish fiery mane , don't skimp on avoiding this abhorrent feature . you don't look at a ren ? magritte painting and search for a deeper meaning . you likewise don't look at one for 88 minutes straight . surrealist works are notable for their quirks , and they are fun , but looking at one quirk for an hour and a half is exhausting . that was my experience with i woke up early the day i died , a surrealistic , hyperactive comedy with no dialogue . it's not a silent movie ; there is lots of atmospheric music , occasional screams and weird sound effects , but nobody ever utters an audible word . though the film is distinctive , its unique style wore thin after about 20 minutes , and as it progressed , watching became a chore . the only reason the script ever got filmed is because it was written by the pseudo-legendary ed wood , the man behind such " classics " as plan 9 >from outer space and night of the ghouls . the joke , of course , is that his films are so bad , they're good ; so humorous in their inanity that they become hits . i woke up early the day i died , unfortunatly , is so bad that it's really bad . it stars billy zane ( titanic ) as a dangerous lunatic who overpowers a nurse , escapes from a mental hospital and proceeds to wonder around , stealing a car , clothes , and a load of money . our thief reaches a cemetery , where he witnesses a bizarre ritual . he falls asleep and finds himself , literally , in a hole , with his money gone . for whatever reason , he is bent on getting his hard-unearned cash back ( considering how easily he stole it the first time , why didn't he just go steal some more ? ) . he comes upon a list of the people who were at the mysterious ceremony and commences to seek out each of them and kill them if they don't have what he is looking for . i don't think either director aris iliopulos nor ed wood realized that this would have made a glorious 20 minute short . the subject and the style seem to have been made for it . unfortunately , twenty minutes worth of material is stretched out to more than four times that length , and the film simply overstays its already dubious welcome . it grabbed my attention in the beginning and gradually lost it as it went on , up to the point where halfway through i was already weary . it might seem odd that a film as furiously paced as this one can be so tedious ; but the surprise will wear off when you consider how repetitive it is . i woke up early the day i died is a comedy , i guess , though it could have fooled me . unlike most ed wood films , this one tries to be funny and fails , instead of the other way around . there's nothing inherently wrong with that , in fact , i think it would only make sense for someone who has been so " good " at making unintentional comedies to take a stab at a real one . whether wood actually went for comedy in his script we'll never know , but in either case , this is a failure . jonathan taylor thomas , christina ricci , summer phoenix , john ritter and others show up for short and pointless cameos . ricci , for example , plays a prostitute . her role consists of dancing around with zane in his motel room and then being thrown out . thomas is an astonished onlooker as a woman gets thrown off a cliff . was the home improvement teen heartthrob really that desperate for work ? zane , meanwhile , occupies himself by making weird faces at the camera when he is not called upon to run around wildly and beat people up . lack of dialogue makes him the ultimate caricature . the carnival side-show climax manages to demonstrate everything that is wrong with this no-budget production . it's desperately unfunny , but thinks it's the funniest thing since plan 9 ; , it's so spontaneously surrealistic it makes your head spin all while being confusing enough to make your head spin twice as fast in the other direction . i hope another film is made from an ed wood screenplay for i woke up early the day i died is not a fitting send-off . ? 1999 eugene novikov ‰ ; well , as i check my score card for what i've done this holiday weekend , it reads good ideas : 0 and dumb ideas : 1 . i don't know what i was thinking when i decided to watch this movie . but in my defense , i can only say that it was someone else who urged me to see this with him . the film that i'm talking about is `a night at the roxbury , ' one of those offerings based on a saturday night live skit . wayne and garth , these two are not . rather , we meet doug and steve butabi ( the actors' names are not worth mentioning ) , two eternal partyers whose greatest ambitions in life seem to be finding a way to get into the hottest night club in the city , the roxbury . driving in their dad's bmw and donning metallic disco suits right out of miami vice , they try to bribe the bouncer to get into the club . `have you met my friend washington and his friend roosevelt , ' they confidently say as they pull out spare pocket change . their second greatest ambition seems to be oozing out as many silly pick-up lines as is humanly possible in order to start a conversation with a girl ( `let me see that label . just as i thought - made in heaven , ' says one of the brothers ) . and , like the losers that they are , they fail to do either for much of the film . however , as fate would have it , an accidental meeting with `what-ever-happened-to' richard grieco gives them the all-important ticket to get in . their sad lives take on a whole new direction . they make an important contact with the club owner who believes that these two brothers have uncanny insight into the club scene . and they are mistaken as rich swingers by two voluptuous young women . but their newfound popularity does not impress their father , who has other plans for them . the unfortunate thing about this film is that this is a one-joke movie , and the brothers are the joke . actually , there's about 10 mintues worth of tolerable stuff . alas , too long for tv and way too short for a feature-length film . thus , there just isn't enough material to sustain the 83-minute movie . there's no plot to be found and everything that these two do seem to culminate in an opportunity to execute their trademark move of snapping their heads in unison to the funky beat of haddaway's europop song , what is love . i was amazed that none of the two suffered from whiplash . to take up more film time , there is a subplot involving the daughter of the businessman next door who wants to marry doug . this creates not only friction between the brothers , but their unlikely pairing will also agitate audience members as well . she's educated and a forebearing witch . meanwhile , doug is a complete loser . how did these two ever get together ? i suppose that if i can ever figure out the answer to that question , i'll have figured out why i decided to go and see this movie . if you're looking for entertainment , you won't find it at the roxbury . terrence malick made an excellent 90 minute film adaptation of james jones' world war ii novel . unfortunately , he buried it within an overlong and overreaching 3-hour long pseudo-epic . this is a shame because the film features an outstanding performance by nick nolte . the best scene is when nick nolte's character , lt . col . tall , is forced to deal with the direct refusal by capt . staros ( elias koteas ) to execute an order . nolte's reaction and transformation may be the best work of his career . had terrence malick concentrated on the great performances of nolte and koteas as well as those by sean penn , woody harrelson , and john cusack , he could have made a truly great film . instead , malick saddled the film with plodding pacing , unnecessary flashbacks , and a voice-over narration all designed to telegraph the great philosophical underpinnings of the story . the narration was especially annoying as much of it sounded like very bad high school poetry . with a lot of editing , the core story could be transformed into a truly classic war film . hopefully , the dvd version of this film will feature options to suppress the narration , and perhaps will even provide for an alternate , shorter version of the film . i give this film . i cried during _babe_ . i admit it . the special effects , the story , the great dialogue were woven together so delicately and successfully that my mind lost track that this was a " children's film " --so much so that , yes , i got a little overly sentimental . such , my friend , is the power of cinema . when word came out that they were using this newly developed f/x for a doctor dolittle update , in which eddie murphy plays the title character , and many great comic actors supply the voices , my anticipation rose to great expectations . they can't possibly drop the ball on this one . can't miss . can't possibly miss . they missed . what went wrong ? after much thought , i supply three general rules . ( 1 ) don't let a television actress-turned-comedy movie director near an urbanite script ( i . e . , penny marshall's dreadful " preacher's wife " ) . betty thomas worked wonders with " the brady bunch movie " , but the same sitcom-airiness doesn't quite work here . it's as if she lifted a generic sitcom , and iced it with light doses of modern r&b . take away the black cast , take away the atrocious soundtrack , and you have the residue of some mid-80's kirk cameron show . ( 2 ) the greater the cast , the less the individual cast-member has to do ( i . e . , " con air " ) . it is great to have the comic voices of jenna elfman , garry schandling , john leguizimo , ellen degeneres , and gilbert godfried in your lineup , but they have nothing to do but improvise their underdeveloped , stereotyped characters , one-line-at-a-time . it's even worse , because sometimes their voices are so unrecognizable that you don't get the satisfaction of linking the voice to the comedian until the credits . now there are three character actors who do get special treatment : albert brooks brings dignity to nearly every project he's in , and the scenes as a depressed tiger do resonate a certain poignancy . norm mcdonald fares nearly as well , as a stray dog who learns to bond with dolittle . but there's little humor here . that rests on the shoulders of chris rock , sorely miscast and unfunny as the voice of their wise-ass guinea pig . even the mouth is ill-synched . ( 3 ) don't let the special effects technicians walk away with the script . there's a certain timing that's mandatory in comedy . to have this timing usurped by the brilliancy of computer generated mouths or lifelike creations of jim henson's creature shop , is a travesty . this is not to say that special effects filled comedies or muppet movies aren't well-timed laughfests ; with the right director , they can be and have . here , betty thomas is clearly over her head . i wish i could commend the special effects , but they're merely average . count the number of times where the animal's mouth is turned away from the camera , or too far to notice , or ill-synched . this is less a " babe " and more of a " look who's barking " clone . you may be wondering , 'how does eddie murphy fare ? ' well , he came back with the exceptional " nutty professor " , and i don't doubt he can come back again . here , he's tied into a straight man and given little to do . the exceptions are when he fears he's going crazy : a far cry from his smarter-than-you'd expect routine that he's more adept at . it's unfortunate that he is where richard pryor was ten years ago , making lame comedies without the same bite he had given in his early years . after all this , what's left ? butt jokes . a _lot_ of butt jokes . i guess for kids that may be funny , but i was stone-faced . if there's a lesson the film may be telling us , is that animals have feelings too , and they care way too much for your butt . saw an advanced screening of the movie sniper last night , and i have to say i wasn't too impressed . this film is about an expert marine sniper , played by tom berenger , who is teamed with a hot-shot-young-no-experience-never-killed-a-man new partner to take out some drug-kingpins and military strong men in panama . sound cliche ? that's only the beginning . billy zane ( memphis belle ) played the rookie , and never seemed to get a handle on his character . he was so contrary and pig-headed in the beginning , you just wanted to smack him . then he goes " crazy " from the pressure , but seems to immediately snap out of it . i'm not sure if the blame should lie with the directing , editing , scriptwriting , or acting . . . but it didn't all come together . i think berenger is a pretty good actor , and he looked great in the part , covered in camo , face painted , stalking through the jungle with his high-power rifle . . . but once again , his character was given some pretty bad dialogue , and didn't react too logically to many of the situations . there was very little logical development in these characters . my biggest problem with this film was it's tendency to put these two snipers in as * many * inches-from-death situations as possible . they began to resemble g . i . joes , the greatest american hero . and of course their almost supernatural accuracy with their guns was called upon to get them out of far too many close calls . now a lot of movies are stamped out of this mold , in fact that's what made die hard so much fun : the super-hero avenger type . so some will enjoy the action hero heroics , but i didn't think it fit with the nice tension that was built up in the earlier scenes , and the " real life " feel of covert operations in panama . a word must be said on the camera work , much of it was very nice . the jungles of panama ( or their stand-ins in this case ) formed a very picturesque background . . . and the drama of speeding bullets was captured using some nice trick photography . many have seen the slowed down " bullet-cam " following the projectile to its target . this was used well in the beginning to show the feverish nightmares berenger gets when remembering the moment of the kill . it was dramatic when used in flashback . . . but it seems the director liked the technique so much he started inserting these shots ( pardon the pun ) into the real time action . . . then it just seemed silly . all in all , not a real dog : there is some nice action , good atmosphere , and pretty photography . but the plot is pretty lame , the acting didn't form a cohesive whole , and far too much thisclosefromdeath heroics . an 18-foot-high , 43-foot-long dragon is the computer-generated co- star of this strictly-by-the-numbers sword 'n' sorcery flick . as voiced by sean connery , " draco " is a surprisingly expressive creation who is well-deserving of his 23 minutes of screen time . he walks , talks , flies , fries , and even fakes his own death , all with the help of 96 computer-aided animators . too bad that ilm ( industrial light and magic ) couldn't spare some special effects for dragonheart's * human * co-stars . a bearded black hole exists where dennis quaid should be . he's a near-total loss as he growls glumly through his role of a disillusioned knight . david thewlis' evil king has a high hiss factor ( hf ) , though he's more of a mumbling oddity than anything else . oh , and there's some redhead in a '90's wig , who runs around either screaming or scowling , depending upon if the particular scene has her playing the woman in peril or the put upon peasant . the fringe flourishes include pete postlethwaite as a wandering monk with literary ambitions , julie christie ( ! ) as the good queen mother , a band of mercenaries that appear dressed for ye olde heavy-metal concert , and , believe or it not , the speaking spirit of king arthur . bring out your dead ! unfortunately , when we add it all together ( draco + fringe bits - quaid - thewlis ) , the sum total amounts to zero . dragonheart is , well , too much of too little . director rob cohen ( dragon : the bruce lee story ) has made a big , expensive movie that , while ambitiously plotted , is both murky and predictable . and overscored . and self-important . and the list goes on . ( i must ask : did screenwriter charles edward pogue intend that * every * character be stabbed , lanced , or sliced at least once ? keep that man away from the knife drawer ! ) the last five minutes of this movie are the worst , with some silly celestial nonsense that would be laughed out of any planetarium light show , much less a summer movie . save your money . 1989's " major league " was a delightful surprise . i didn't expect much of it when i decided to watch it on cable , but it proved to be fresh and funny . however , when the appeal of a movie is its freshness , the sequels are virtually guaranteed to be stale . that's certainly true of " major league ii " and the most recent entry , " major league : back to the minors . " the title is , of course , a contradiction . shouldn't it be " minor league ? " that contradiction suggests the lengths to which writer/director john warren has gone to squeeze a third movie out of the formula established by the first movie . original stars charlie sheen and tom berenger ( who returned for " major league ii " ) are not around , leaving corbin bernsen the only original headliner to make the third movie . the other veterans who return ( dennis haysbert as voodoo-inspired batter cerrano and takaaki ishibashi as tanaka , who was introduced in " league ii " ) seem to be around just to lend legitimacy to the enterprise . the only returning cast member who produces any laughs is bob uecker as radio announcer harry doyle , inexplicably broadcasting the games of a minor league team far from his home turf . the protagonist this time around is retiring pitcher gus cantrell ( scott bakula ) , who is hired by minnesota twins owner roger dorn ( bernsen ) to manage the twins' aaa team , the buzz . you can write the movie from here : he finds a group of misfits who need to learn how to play together as a team in order to win . there's a future superstar whose ego keeps him from growing ( walton goggins ) , an ex-ballet dancer ( kenneth johnson ) , a broken-down old timer ( thom barry ) , twin outfielders both named juan ( the difilippo triplets ) , and a couple pitchers with throwing problems ( judson mills and peter mackenzie ) . along the way , gus picks up cerrano and tanaka ( gus is supposedly an old teammate of theirs , even though he wasn't in either of the preceding films ) . sum total : none . the entire enterprise is artificial , and the cast is not ready for the hollywood majors . gus' antagonist is twins manager leonard huff ( ted mcginley ) . leonard is a slimy , sniveling little egotist , and the twins are lazy , spoiled , and full of themselves . ( even watching the first movie i wondered why any real-life team would lend itself to being caricatured in this manner ) . gus challenges leonard to a match , the buzz vs . the twins . ( wanna guess who wins ? ) " back to the minors " is a movie that has no reason to exist . there's hardly a laugh in it , the cast is weak , and the first movie left no room for even one sequel . * * * the following review contains some harsh language . . . but what did you expect when you clicked on this title ? * * * cast : kristen holly smith , danica sheridan , alex boling , michael dotson , sonya hensley , janet krajeski , sabrina lu , dionysius burbano , calvin grant , jeff b . harmon written and directed by : jeff b . harmon running time : 97 minutes " the thought of losing you makes me all vomity inside . " --- blatz balinski ( danica sheridan ) laments the fact that her lesbian lover , april ( kristen holly smith ) , has just received a telegram from her ex-fiance . isle of lesbos is an incredibly offensive musical comedy about april pfferpot ( smith ) , a resident of the small town of bumfuck , arkansas who is about to get married to high school sweetheart and football hero dick dickson ( michael dotson ) . when april gets extreme cold feet she runs home , sticks a gun in her mouth , and pulls the trigger . instead of killing herself , she is magically transported through her mirror into the isle of lesbos , an alternate dimension where lesbians rule and no men are allowed ( except for lance , the homosexual toilet cleaner/slave ) . april loves her new home and friends , but dick and her parents are not so ready to give her up . mr . and ms . pfferpot ( director jeff b . harmon and janet krajeski ) decide they need medical help so they enlist the aid of dr . sigmoid colon ( also jeff b . harmon ) , who claims he can cure homosexuality . in actuality , dr . colon is homosexual as well and begins his special " treatment " on dick dickson ( unbeknownst to dick ) . when april turns down dick's demand for her to return to bumfuck , he decides to take matters in his own hands and attack the isle of lesbos rambo-style . instead of leveling the place he falls in love with lance ( alex boling ) and the two of them , along with april and her lover blatz , get married . ( note to the filmmaker : why did the character of lance make asides to the camera followed by silence that i'm assuming was inserted for the purpose of waiting until the laughter of the audience had subsided ? ) april's parents , feeling like there is no recourse , call in a favor to president clinton and send a nuclear bomb ( whose circuitry inexplicably is made up of a homosexual performer ) their way . the bomb is a dud thanks to the work of the " circuitry " and they re-wire it and send it back to washington d . c . , destroying it . mr . and ms . pfferpot give up trying to get their daughter back and instead decide to join her as they have some alternative sexual practices of their own . i'm not sure if writer/director/co-star jeff b . harmon was purposely trying to offend people because he believes in some of the ideas his movie presents or if he was just going for cheap laughs . either way , he manages to present some of the most offensive material i have ever seen in a movie . the film opens with a preacher running a small african-american child out of town , and then later moves on to the hanging of a michael jackson impersonator by the ku klux klan ( during a jaunty musical number ) , preceded by remarks about " gays and straights finally being able to put their differences behind them and work together to hate others , such as the jews " . if harmon was merely trying to point out how idiotic society can be , then i apologize for being so harsh on elements of his film , but it is presented so mean spiritedly that i can't help but feel like he had some serious intent . as for the entire central theme of the movie , i'm afraid that it's one that i just don't get . i tried to keep an open mind while watching it , but the homosexual elements were just too prevalent for my tastes . it was hard enough to watch them bash other races and sexes without them preaching about the virtues of being homosexual and accepted by society . how does one expect to be accepted if they are just as guilty of non-acceptance ? i'm not prone to judging anyone and i believe that people should be free to explore whatever avenues they wish free from the scornful eye of society , but don't force your particular rhetoric down my throat if you aren't going to show the same respect for my preferences that you wish from me . again , maybe i'm missing the satirical point that harmon is trying to make , but if so , i think it could have been handled a little more tactfully . as far as musical comedies go , isle of lesbos is no trey parker and matt stone musical , but a good portion of the songs are maddeningly catchy . despite the disturbing visuals , " mom and apple pie " stuck with me for the rest of the day . speaking of disturbing visuals , " wedding bells ain't ringing " could have been a decent song , but the accompanying visuals of spousal abuse are more harrowing than this film should be displaying . " i'm a lesbian " ( which is touted in the press release as being particularly popular ) is also pretty good , but a good portion of that could be due to the stellar singing voice of ms . smith . it's mainly on her excellent vocals that my rating of this film is based . the other performers are decent , save for the rosie o'donnell like performance given by danica sheridan . i have no inherent problem with her character ; it is just her singing voice that leaves little to be desired . one particular musical number , " lesbian rock " , was one of the lowest points i have ever experienced in my film-going life thanks to a strained and lackluster vocal job by sheridan . the film ends about twenty minutes before the credits actually roll . the remainder of the running time is padded out with a few more songs ( " lesbian rock " included ) and the ridiculously presented anti-nukes message tacked on to the end for no reason other than to make it a feature length film . once the " isle of lesbos reprise " was reached , i felt the story had already been wrapped up well enough to end it all . why was the film needlessly stretched out past its obvious end ? isle of lesbos is available on videocassette from www . indie-underground . com . the transfer is pretty clean ( and all the detail of the wrinkled cloth and paint backdrops are readily apparent ) and the film is letterboxed at approximately 1 . 85 : 1 . in many respects , isle of lesbos has incredible cult potential ( like a rocky horror for the new millennium ) . this film is by no means my cup of tea , but i know there are those out there who will enjoy it . if you think it might be for you , then by all means seek it out . i , on the other hand , will be cleansing my palette with a good action film like gladiator . . . wait . aren't gladiator films considered to be . . . oh , never mind . one of the indicator of badness in film is the hype being remembered more than film itself . such was the case with boxing helena , 1993 directorial debut of jennifer chambers lynch , daughter of the great david lynch . made in the dying years of post-twin peaks lynch craze among movie snobs , it was hyped as another , " warped , twisted masterpiece " of lynch clan . kim basinger also provided extra publicity by quitting the lead role and being sued for the breech of contract . but , the result was extremely disappointing film , which quickly sank into well-deserved oblivion . the movie protagonist is nick cavanaugh ( played by julian sands ) , talented surgeon who is getting obsessed by helena ( sherilyn fenn ) , beautiful woman who ditched him after brief affair . cavanaugh stalks her and uses every opportunity for the pathetic attempts to re-establish the relationship . during one of such occasions , helena is hit by a car , and nick quickly takes the role of her personal physician in order to have his way with her . after she wakes up , helena discovers not only that she is prisoner in cavanaugh's stylish residence , but also that cavanaugh amputated her legs in order to prevent her from escaping . she is still trying to escape , so cavanaugh takes off her arms . apart from casting sherilyn fenn ( audrey horne in twin peaks and small cameo in wild at heart ) and the use of twisted characters and their perverse fantasies , this film by ms . lynch hasn't got anything in common with the works of director's more talented father . despite rather bizarre subject , the style of this film is conventional and setting is light , characters are beautiful - but the result at the end is quite sterile and the film in the end looks too artificial for dark sexual fantasy it was supposed to portray . jennifer lynch obviously lacks talents in directing and it becomes painfully obvious in the scenes that are supposed to erotic - its banal artificiality is even bellow the standards of playboy videos . the actors aren't good either . julian sands is terribly miscast as emotionally disturbed man - this actors is best either when he plays charismatic protagonists or villains ; being neurotic doesn't suit him . bill paxton was better for this role , but his presence was wasted in forgettable and unnecessary subplot dealing with helena's boyfriend . sherilyn fenn contributed to this film mostly by her looks , but even the her greater effort in acting couldn't help this film . the screenplay , on the other hand , is awful , at least for someone who had made best-seller with laura palmer's diary - the events in this movie are implausible , characters come and go without purpose and many unnecessary subplots only slow down the film and add to the total confusion . one of those subplots involves character of cavanaugh's " regular " girlfriend , played by betsy clarke . the twist at the end , although unpredictable , is unbelievable and the viewers , who had the stomach to endure entire film , would feel cheated . all in all , boxing helena is disorganised quasi-artistic mess of a movie that should be remembered as nothing more than one of the wiser decisions in kim basinger's career . let's get this one over with as quickly as possible . if there was a possibility to receive a refund , this review would not be forthcoming . but as it is , " godzilla " is without a doubt the loudest , longest , and ultimately most amateurishly written film ever released through a major studio . producer dean devlin and director roland emmerich should be ashamed of themselves , and as penance be forced to return to film school to watch " last year at merienbad " until they can grasp the idea of content and plot . no amount of hype , no amount of money can hide the fact that these filmmakers are the 90s equivalent to william beaudine ( billy the kid vs . dracula ) . " godzilla " opens with stock footage of the bikini atoll nuclear tests interspersed with footage of iguanas playfully swimming and nuzzling their eggs . we are then introduced to the crew of a japanese fish canning ship ( a questionable enterprise considering that tuna processing is supposed to be supervised to eliminate the netting of dolphins ) . well , the ship is attacked and sunk by an unseen creature . later , a group of frenchmen led by philippe roache ( jean reno ) interview the sole survivor . in a state of shock , the only thing the man can utter is the word " gojira " ( the japanese name of the famed beast ) . we are then introduced to dr . nick tatopoulos ( matthew broderick , with a moniker obviously taken from the effects designer of the film ) . he is currently studying the effects that the chernobyl disaster has had on the local earthworm population . he is immediately drafted by the u . s . military and taken to panama where he is shown the huge footprints of a creature . in a short amount of time , another fishing boat ( loaded with canned tuna from the u . s . and korea for some reason ) is found grounded in jamaica . well , it seems that whatever is eating these ships is headed for new york . when the beast finally appears , he tears up one building , stomps a couple of trucks and makes life hell for the incumbent mayor ebert ( thumbs up for new york ) . the military , with dr . tatopoulos's help , have two tons of fresh fish dumped in the middle of new york to lure the beast out of its hiding place in the new york subway system . it finally comes crashing through the city streets and has a cute face to face with dr . tatopoulos who snaps the beast's picture . the monster eats the fish , the military starts shooting , and the chase is on , with the army causing 90% of the ensuing damage . working from a hunch as to why godzilla has decided to come to the big apple , dr . totopoulos buys a few home pregnancy kits from a local drugstore that has chosen to remain open ( even though new york has been evacuated ) . well the test proves that the monster is a hermaphrodite and is pregnant . needless to say , no one believes the good doctor about his discovery , so he must join up with the renegade french secret service agents and find the monster's nesting site and destroy the eggs before the mayor starts letting the populous back into the city ( even though the monster isn't dead yet ) . i sincerely hope that i've completely spoiled any interest anyone might have of seeing this film . i gave away the relevant plot so that i could spare those of you courageous ( or foolish ) enough to drop down an hour's wage on this tripe . everything about " godzilla " reeks almost as bad as the piles of rotting fish used to trap the beast . the script ( and let's be clear here ) by devlin and emmerich is so full of plot holes and non characters as to be sure to be the recipient of next years " razzie " award . the dialogue between maria pitillo ( as audrey timmonds , dr . tatopoulos' estranged girlfriend ) and mr . broderick is so adolescent , it makes teenagers giggle in disbelief ( as happened during the screening i witnessed ) . the film could be enjoyably campy if it didn't take itself so damn seriously . but to what end , as there is no commentary on humanities foibles against nature , nor is there any reference about godzilla being some sort of retaliation against mankind . no . godzilla is just a big dummy that got knocked up by some french immigrants and decided to let the state of new york pay for it . the film is bleak and ugly looking . taking place at night during a rain storm , the movie has little or no depth . everything is ugly and dark . new york has never looked so inhospitable since " death wish " . in an attempt to give the film some color , audrey timmonds carries a bright red umbrella which is unique in that everyone else in the film carries the standard gray issue . the only moment of composition and color is during the brief scenes on jamaica , where dr . tatopoulos finds himself standing in a giant footprint . the scene is nicely photographed but poorly set up . you know from the outset that nick is standing in a footprint . for a scientist , this is very poor observation . let's look at some of the more interesting plot holes in the film ( this activity , is becoming almost as popular as the kevin bacon game ) : 1 . ) why does the french nuclear tests only affect one clutch of iguana eggs , and how do those eggs fuse into one beast ? 2 . ) why would a cold blooded creature choose a cold climate ( such as new york ) to nest ? i don't think iguana's have a habit of migrating . 3 . ) how can godzilla crawl through the new york subway system , slice a submarine in half , yet be unable to extricate himself from some thin ( in comparison ) steel cable on the brooklyn bridge ? 4 . ) the brooklyn bridge is the only suspension bridge in existence that does not need it's suspension cables . 5 . ) did godzilla carry all two hundred eggs in her belly ? if so , then radioactive mutations surely are wondrous creatures . ( note : each egg is 10 feet tall and almost as wide . godzilla would have to be over 1 , 000 feet tall to carry them all ) . 6 . ) godzilla can crush ships and eat helicopters , but new york cabs are made of stronger steel . 7 . ) godzilla can out maneuver helicopters , bullets , torpedoes and missiles , but can't catch you on foot . 8 . ) taxis can out maneuver godzilla . 9 . ) godzilla can burrow through the subway system but can't tear through the park avenue tunnel . 10 . ) why was nothing else mutated by the nuclear test as quickly as godzilla ? maybe a giant hermit crab in the sequel . 11 . ) galapagos iguana's actually live in the french polynesian islands ? 12 . ) why was dr . tatopoulos brought in by the military if they were not going to listen to him anyway ? 13 . ) how did they evacuate new york island in less than a day , and how did they convince those new yorkers to go to new jersey ? 14 . ) new york television stations use vhs tape for both filming and broadcasting . new yorkers hate beta cam . i could go on and on , but that would only serve to make the film seem more enjoyable than it is . don't be fooled , this film has less gray matter than any episode of " america's funniest home videos " . the performances in the film are singularly bland . not one performance belays any awe or fear in the face of this two hundred foot tall terror . the characters , in the midst of the onslaught , have time to stop and discuss the lack of good coffee , failed relationships , career choices . the only common occurrence that doesn't take place here is having one of the characters have a bowel movement , but then that would have made them believable . godzilla for the most part is okay . the design of the beast is funky , if not very memorable . one thing that comes to mind-- the major redirection of godzilla in this film is to remove his most familiar trademark , namely his atomic breath . now , i for one can't quite fathom how you can call this monster godzilla without that little trait . a good comparison would be to make a superman film and eliminate his ability to fly . there is so much wrong with this film that i can't really recall anything recently that has left me this cold hearted ( except for my divorce ) . any film that can have a two ton lizard slipping on gum balls has got to be envisioned under the influence of prozac . the addition of the baby raptors ( ah , i meant godzillas ) , are nothing but a direct rip off of 'jurassic park " , but with none of that film's suspense or tension . suffice to say that , " godzilla " is without a doubt the most brain dead motion picture of the decade . this is a film that needed the hype . with the current level of writing and directing , nothing else about the film succeeds . if you've seen the trailers , you've seen the best parts . my only suggestion for mr . d and mr . e . is that they could always go back to selling shoes . . this film could be the next " rocky horror " . only it's not funny ! woody allen is one of the most successful artist-directors in hollywood , but he is becoming less and less reliable as a filmmaker . in his early years of film-making he mastered the simple comedy . from there he went into a second phase and took risks experimenting with different approaches and styles . some of these work better than others . zelig and crimes and misdemeanors are the work of a creative and intelligent artist . deconstructing harry goes to the other extreme and is a bizarre experiment demanding more of the viewer than it gives back . harry block ( allen ) has in his life only two drives . he wants to have sex with as many women as possible and when he makes a mess of his life and those of his lovers he wants to retreat into his writing . the story of this static and highly unsympathetic character is told with a number of often clumsy stylistic experiments . perhaps the most irritating device is to express the disjointedness of harry's life by editing harry's scenes putting in cuts in the middle as if to show missing time with something edited out . as a writer , harry puts his friends into his books in the thinnest of disguises . the film dramatizes incidents from these supposed books and cuts between his real story line and fragments from harry's books with different actors playing the real and fictional people in harry's life . these fragments are frustrating in their lack of completion , but even more frustrating is the bringing of the characters out of the fragments into scenes with the real characters . it is up to the viewer to keep track not just who is fictional and who is real but also to keep straight who is the fictional doppelganger of which real person . if that sounds complicated , it is . then as another device in one of the stories , an actor seems to have the peculiar property that he has gone out of focus and can only be seen in blurry image . harry sees this as a metaphor for his own condition and himself goes blurry for a short time . as if these touches did not create sufficient confusion , the story is told out of chronological order . if allen were giving the audience a story that was worth decoding , any and all of these stylistic touches could be excusable . but allen puts the audience through all of this to give us a portrait of harry block who is a selfish manipulator who is not worth the effort to understand . deconstructing harry is set at a time when harry's old college , the one that expelled him when he attended it , wants now to honor him for a lifetime of writing achievement . harry is searching among his friends to find one who will go with him . just why someone who is so unwilling to commit to a relationship with anyone suddenly needs the support of someone else is unclear . harry tries his current girl friend fay ( elizabeth shue ) only to find that she is about to marry harry's old friend larry ( billy crystal ) . block would like his son hilly ( eric lloyd ) to accompany him , but hilly's mother , previously first harry's psychiatrist and more recently his wife , refuses to let her son see his father . another friend richard ( bob balaban ) would go but has health problems . harry also considers bringing a prostitute cookie ( hazel goodman ) . it is interesting that allen should introduce another likable prostitute so soon after mighty aphrodite , but cookie is considerably different--black and a lot brighter than mira sorvino's character in the previous film . while the comedy sequences are never complete , a few are elaborate and some quite funny . the centerpiece of the film is a journey into hell with allen playing a sort of orpheus rescuing fay from the clutches of the devil , who looks a lot like larry . that story also is left uncompleted , perhaps to show harry's unwillingness to commit even to telling a story . the linchpin that was needed to tie together the stylistic quirks of this film was a central character who changes and who gives us something about which to care . that character is patently not the one allen creates in harry block and not the characters around harry as seen through his acerbic eyes . allen can do much better than deconstructing harry . i rate it a 3 on the 0 to 10 scale and a -1 on the -4 to +4 scale . here's a rarity : a children's film that attempts to tackle a weighty subject , is there a god ? done well , it could have been a gem among the wasteland of modern children's cinema . unfortunately , it isn't . with jumbled messages , and an unclear audience , wide awake was better left asleep . fifth grader joshua beal ( joseph cross ) is in the middle of a moral crisis . his beloved grandfather ( robert loggia ) has died , and joshua has begun a quest . he wants to find god , to discover why bad things happen . this religious quest is slightly disturbing for his parents ( dana delany and denis leary ) , but they do their best to cope with their son as he explores different religious faiths . at his catholic school , his favorite teacher , sister terry ( rosie o'donnell ) , tries to give him guidance , but this is a journey he must make on his own . meanwhile , he is having the most momentous year of his life . he has several adventures with his daredevil best friend dave ( timothy reifsnyder ) , he gets his first crush , and begins to wake up to the world around him while he is on his spiritual journey . it is somewhat confusing as to what the real audience for wide awake is expected to be . on its surface , it appears to be a kid's film . however , it deals with serious issues , and is likely to be boring for today's instant-gratification kids . and while it might seem heartening to see that someone is trying to produce something thoughtful for the kidvid audience , wide awake asks serious questions , but only delivers a cheap gimmick for an answer . if there were a bit more meat in the story , adults on a nostalgic bent might get a kick out of the movie . the actors who might have created a great cast ( o'donnell , leary and delany ) are wasted in roles that amount to little more than cameos . the nostalgic elements ( best friend , favorite teacher , first crush , etc . ) have been done much better in other movies , and actually seem more like filler here . the film's strongest scenes are some touching flashbacks depicting joshua's relationship with his grandfather . they show more depth than is present anywhere else in the movie . maybe the film would have been better if , instead of playing the relationship through flashbacks , it were set entirely during joshua's last year with his grandpa . it certainly would have been more entertaining . wide awake can best be described as a failed experiment . it starts out with noble aspirations , but never delivers on its promise . parents who do take their children to see this one ought to be prepared to answer some tough questions . . . that is if their kids aren't bored to death first . there's no reason to doubt that donnie brasco is based , as its opening credits proclaim , on a true story . but if it's an accurate picture of life on america's mean streets , than cinematic depictions of organised crime have had a much stronger basis in reality than i would have previously thought . for from the film's outset , when a group of hoods jocularly trade differing opinions on the merits of various automobiles ( not unlike a number of movie lowlifes who recently gave a madonna song a close reading ) donnie brasco resembles more than passingly a few gangster flicks once believed to be works of fiction . our eponymous hero ( johnny depp ) is not the cheap crook he first appears to be . brasco is joseph pistone , an undercover fbi agent who has the task of chumming-up to lefty ( al pacino ) , a seasoned hood who tutors pistone in the art of being a " wiseguy " . regrettably , pistone learns his lessons all too well . his concern for lefty , who is burdened with a heroin addicted son , exacerbates his own family troubles : his children resent his lengthy absences and his wife fears that her husband's gangster persona is becoming a little too convincing . true , the focus on pistone's family life does deviate from the typical gangster-flick formula , but this subplot never rises above its television drama origins . the unhappy couple trade predictable lines and engage in drawn-out domestic squabbles ? including an ill-advised marriage guidance routine ? that slow the film down unnecessarily . the biggest problem with donnie brasco , however , is that its wiseguy attitude and style lacks the flair of its many predecessors . the awkward use of an occasional disco tune momentarily reminds us its the 70's , but not with the consistent and blindingly tacky style ? i loved those fluoro coloured suits ? of scorces' costume drama casino . more importantly , pacino's presence triggers memories of his earlier movie triumphs in which similar territory was covered far more effectively . donnie brasco's take on american values , for instance , is feeble and obvious . lefty rambles out dreams of material betterment to the accompaniment of grating inspirational music . inexplicably , lefty's horatio alger inspired gush is supposed to move us . it doesn't any more than his family troubles do , which are dealt in the same saccharine and obvious manner as pistone's . just think a minute on how these themes were explored in the godfather movies and scarface . in these pictures pacino's dedication to a peculiar and bloody hyper-capitalism was twisted and confronting , while his dogged application of macho wiseguy procedure meant that his relations to friends and family was intriguingly dark ? neither were spared bloody retribution for breaching wiseguy regulations . donnie brasco's tawdry little crime , therefore isn't so much its repetition of familiar gangster themes , but the shameless way in which it sanitises them . ( oh and by the way , i forgot to mention that the script also sports a startling subplot : pipstone's superiors are obstructive incompetents who are infuriated by his constant insubordination ? is that a " damn you mcbain ! " i hear from springfield way ? ) so the movie is cliched . big deal , what do you expect from a gangster-flick ? well you expect quality action sequences and bravado performances in abundance if its going to be a decent example of the genre . donnie brasco fails on both counts . the action scenes never rise above the ordinary and depp's woeful performance tends to smother the good-work of his comrades . admittedly , pacino does nothing new and michael madsen ( sonny ) simply smirks his way through the picture like a slightly subdued mr . white , but both possess an unmistakable sly charm . depp usually exhibits a bit of class himself , but regrettably , being in the presence of one of his betters must have left him star-struck , for he is completely hell-bent on mimicking pacino's well-earned high style . the consequences are painful to watch . its no exaggeration to say that the film's credibility is seriously strained by the sight of the pistone family's uncanny ability to keep a straight face in front of their breadwinner's phony brooklyn accent . perhaps we should take pity on the makers of donnie brasco . maybe a scrupulous adherence to pinpoint accuracy demanded tiered dialogue and scenarios weakly reminiscent of classic gangster flicks . if this is indeed the case , surely the makers of donnie brasco could have explored the fascinating possibility that america's underworld is committed to emulating , albeit in heavily attenuated form , their movie namesakes . depp could have poignantly played a simple cop who becomes a hideous parody once he is forced to mimic big-screen gangster greats . who knows what insights into the criminal psyche could have arisen ? but then again , perhaps donnie brasco isn't so true after all . these days the lack of originality in hollywood reflects itself in the deluge of remakes . but , only a few years ago , before wes craven publicly made fun of the practice , sequels had been more popular among hollywood producers . sequels also used to be popular among directors and movie stars whose careers went south . the way to regain popularity and prestige , they thought , was the use the same formulas , characters and story lines that brought them success in the first place . one of such celebrity was eddie murphy , black comedian of 1980s whose career was in big decline during the first part of this decade . in order to return to the spotlight , he chose to resurrect the franchise created by his most popular film , beverly hills cop , 1984 action comedy that had already spawned the sequel in 1987 . seven years later , for the third instalment , he used the directorial service of john landis , another fading star , with whom he successfully collaborated twice - in trading places and coming to america . this time , however , third time wasn't the charm and beverly hills iii was failure . eddie murphy had to wait few more years for real comeback . eddie murphy here plays axel foley , fast-talking streetwise detroit policeman , who raids illegal chop shop . the routine police action ends in tragedy , when the criminals kill foley's boss . determined to bring the killers to justice , foley realises that their leader is ellis de wald ( timothy carhart ) . when it turns out that de wald happens to be security chief for wonderland theme park in los angeles , foley goes back to los angeles . there , with the help of his old friend , local policeman rosewood ( judge rheinhold ) , foley would clash with money counterfeit ring . ten years has passed since the original and times are definitely different . in this decade , the contrast between blue collar detroit and yuppie beverly hills , which provided a lot of gags in 1984 film , simply doesn't work . screenwriter steven e . de souza provides another conflict , this time between the childish sillyness of the good guys and business-like professionalism of the bad guys . since foley belongs to the former , his character had to watch his language , and the tone of the film in general is more infantile . unfortunately , this film still belongs to action movie genre , and there is too much violence for little children . nice example is the humorous scene in the beginning , which turns into standard ramboesque bloodbath . unlike donner with the lethal weapon series , landis simply can't balance the comedy with " regular " action , and the result is a film that fails in both aspects . action scenes are sometimes interesting , but not too spectacular ( at the end , scenery of wonderland is more fascinating than the action itself ) ; humour , on the other hand , falls flat . to make even worse , some minor characters from 1984 film gets unnecessary and sometimes irritating overexposure ( especially art expert turned into arms dealer , played by bronson pinchot ) . in the end , although the film provided some entertainment , viewers , at least critical ones , would probably be happy to know that there aren't any plans for beverly hills iv . i have never been so confused after watching a movie . " meet joe black " is probably one of the most visually satisfying films of this year , with a cinematography , music and cast that will dazzle most of us . at the same time it is probably the most boring and ridiculous experience hat you will have this season . at first you marvel at the elegant direction , graceful cinematography and sensual musical score . then you'll wait for something to happen for half an hour , but when you finally understand what's going on , you'll wonder what are actors such as anthony hopkins , brad pitt and claire forlani are doing in a film like this ? the script is simply a silly and unresolved story , which is artificially stretched into a three hour long motion picture . it feels like an eternity . most of the time it is a pompous soap opera , filled with empty dialogue that the actors deliver in a high pitched voice and " meaningful " winks . the film is based on alberto caesella's play " death takes a holiday " . the story concentrates around bill ( anthony hopkins ) who lives a fulfilled life as a successful business man , but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a voice that is saying " yes " . soon he meets a young elegant gentlemen ( brad pitt ) who introduces himself as " death " . it is bill's time . but death has other plans . it has come down to us simple mortals to find out what it means to be alive . our bill is chosen to be death's guide and in exchange he gets time . bill introduces death as joe black , who immediately becomes the center of everyone's attention . bill's business partners speculate about why joe is constantly at bill's side , lives in his house and resides at his office . that is not all , however . bill's youngest daughter susan ( claire forlani ) falls in love with the mysterious stranger and joe falls in love with her . this relationship is bound to have some serious consequences . it wouldn't be fair to say that this film didn't have some interesting moments , such as the scene where joe is invited to join bill's family for dinner . when joe starts enjoying peanut butter and later falls in love , the experience is somewhat different . it is obvious that a story like this story is very difficult to structure . it's one thing to say : " wouldn't it be fun to have death take human form and come down to earth . . " to create a motion picture out of this is another . four screenwriters have worked on a script that lacks drive and logic . it is overlong and too primitive to pass as a serious film . on the other hand it demonstrates incredible performances and a very decent direction by martin brest ( " scent of a woman " ) . hopkins looks great in any role , and no matter how shallow or hollow it is , he will complete it . his talent and charisma are needed here more than any where else , since it actually saves the film from a complete embarrassment . but pitt is the one that got one of the most difficult roles of recent time . how can you play death in human form ? to me it seems that death and life are not something that can be associated with earthly matters . they are not creatures , but phenomenas . saying that death takes human form would be the same as to suggest that eternity would take human form . handling such a ridiculous task is incredibly difficult and pitt deserves some credit for his work . speaking in a calm , soft voice , portraying death as a lonely , distant and powerful guy that is unfamiliar with practical earthly matters . he looks and acts more like an angel of death , rather than a demon or a red-eyed executioner . claire forlani and others are also fine , stretching their stereotypical characters to their limits . unfortunately their performances are not enough to rescue this film from its self inflicted misery . in other words this is not what i expected from the director of " scent of a woman " . it could ( and should ) be better with such cast and crew . in the end it seems as if they have all been intensively working on a ravishingly looking soap opera . this is crap , but , honestly , what older american audience is going to be able to resist seeing jack lemmon and james garner as bicker- ing ex-presidents ? especially when their supporting players in- clude dan aykroyd as the current commander in chief , lauren bacall as a former first lady , and john heard as the dan quayle-ish vice president . yup , you're talkin' pre-sold property here and , for warner brothers , the perfect fit into their now-ritual grumpy old men holiday slot . for the non-discriminating viewer , my fellow americans is fine . the raw star power alone will have audiences applauding this atrocious political- thriller road-comedy . ( they did in mine , heaven help us . ) for the rest of us , the movie is immediately tiresome . the tone is terrible and the banter is worse . forget wit-- lemmon and garner merely exchange profanities through most of the movie . ( has anyone counted the number of first penis references ? ) sure , some of the bits are absurdly funny , including a men's room macarena joke , the appearance of an elvis impersonator on a trainload of tarheels , and an all dorothy marching band performing " over the rainbow " at a gay men's march . the get there from here , though , you have to submit to one of the most offensively overbearing musical scores of all time . judas priest , is there a single moment of silence in this film ? even the dialogue gets drowned out . what a waste . keep cool , a chinese film directed by semi-accomplished filmmaker yimou zhang , was one of the kickoff films for this year's hawaii international film festival . on the day it premiered , lines of eager moviegoers stretched around the block , some anticipants having queued up well in advance to get a good seat in the theater . they need not have wasted their time . the movie is billed as a comedy , but is surprisingly bereft of humor . there are noticeable attempts at laughs , but very few tries actually click . i wondered if there were jokes that i wasn't getting because i'm not from china , but unfortunately my conclusion was that this lack of humor couldn't be attributed to the cultural barrier either . keep cool just isn't very funny . the prelude to the film was a visit by keep cool's producer who , with the help of an interpreter , regaled us of how in order to get the print to the festival in time , an assistant hand carried it on the plane from china to hawaii . although the print made it , the assistant's luggage was lost . too bad that story wasn't in the movie , because it got a big laugh . qu ying , the film's female lead , was also on hand to give a few comments . however , whereas the producer politely made regular pauses in his dialog so the interpreter could bring us up to speed , ms . ying saw fit to say everything she had to say in one , fast-paced , incredibly long tirade . it was dizzying ; good foreshadowing for the film . you see , keep cool is filmed almost totally with a camera handheld by a man with a bad case of the shakes . at least that's the way it seems , since the camera is constantly moving . cinema verite is one thing , but panning and shaking around until your audience has a headache is another . although some might consider it a form which helps give the viewer an idea of the anarchic state into which chinese youth is slowly growing , i found it thoroughly distracting , and after a while , quite annoying . headache , as i said . the film is about a young bookseller ( wen jiang ) who is after a young woman ( qu ying ) . they used to be romantically involved , but the woman grew tired of him and left the relationship . the first half of the film is about the young man's plan to win her back . of course the thing is , she doesn't want to be won back , and has a nightclub owner friend of hers rough him up a bit . in the fight , the young man grabs a laptop computer belonging to a bystander and attempts to use it to fend off his attacker , but only ends up smashing it against a lamppost . we later find out that the laptop belongs to an older man who wishes to get his damaged computer replaced . there is a funny scene ( the only one in the film ) where the young man tries to use some twisted logic in order to get the older man to seek out the nightclub owner ( baotian li ) in order to recoup his losses . there is no sense to be made out of the young woman's behavior ; cold one minute , caring the next , so we feel no sympathy for her character . the bookseller would be better off without her . although the second half of the film causes us to lose a lot of sympathy for the young bookseller as well , who is obsessed with chopping off the nightclub owner's hand as revenge for the beating he took , it also offers us some nice interaction between the bookseller and the older man . while the bookseller is blinded by his thirst for revenge , the older man is the voice of reason and tries to rationalize each situation . his quest to end the dispute peacefully and equitably is the one we identify with , but it is frustrating to see that he seems to be talking to a brick wall half the time . a friendship develops between the two men , but it occurs too late in the film for the audience to appreciate . although only an hour and a half in length , keep cool contains extraneous material . the whole plot of how the bookseller is after the young woman could have been taken out , since we don't see her from the midpoint on . a case of mistaken identity or some other device could have served as the point of conflict between the bookseller and the nightclub owner , and would have saved us from the bookseller's boring pursuit during the first half . but of course , this would have shortened the movie to less than an hour . there are a few things that keep cool does right . as mentioned before , the interaction between the bookseller and the older man is generally pretty good . although it grows tiresome , the reasoning with the unreasonable is a nice exercise in logic , and represents the differences in thinking between generations . in one scene , for example , the bookseller quotes confucius to get his point across , but the older man claims the quote was misinterpreted , and that it means something entirely different . also effective is the way zhang sets up tension within a scene , such as when the bookseller is getting ready to cut off the hand of the unwitting nightclub owner . the nightclub owner is counting out money , slapping each bundle of currency on the table . with every shot of his hand , we can hardly stand the interminable wait before the bookseller is going to pull out his cleaver and exact his revenge . unfortunately , these crumbs are not enough to overcome the rest of the film's shortcomings , and weren't enough to prevent that headache from lingering after i left the theater . although i had not been a viewer of the " rugrats " television series , i went into their first animated feature film , " the rugrats movie , " with a positive attitude . the trailer looked cute enough , after all . after seeing it , i think the words in my recent " antz " review , in which i stated that it was the worst film of its type since 1995's " the pebble and the penguin , " were a bit premature . " the rugrats movie , " is bottom-of-the-barrel children's fare at its worst , and starts to make , " antz " look good in comparison . as in the show , " the rugrats movie , " is about a group of very little friends , ranging from babies to a three-year-old . the head of the group , tommy pickles ( e . g . daily ) , becomes distraught when his mother has a newborn baby named dill ( get it ? dill pickles ? . . . hardee-har-har ! ) and is informed by his three-year-old cousin , anjelica ( cheryl chase ) , that the new babies always take all of the attention away from the other children . when the other children , chuckie , and twins lil and phil , suggest taking dill back to the hospital , tommy goes along with it , but on their way there , they crash in the forest , and become lost , running into wolves and circus monkeys , among other things . " the rugrats movie , " judging from the idea of being lost in the woods , could have been a potentially fun family film , and there were many different things that could have been done with the story . so what did the writers choose to do ? why , they set up a protracted , cliched scene where the children almost go over a waterfall , of course ! for the youngest of children ( ages 3-7 ) , " the rugrats movie , " may very well entertain them , judging from the audience i saw this with . of course , if you looked around at all of the older kids and their parents , they were all desperately struggling to stay awake , and that included me . for an adult , " the rugrats movie , " is a piece of garbage . the plotline is unoriginal and the writing has absolutely no wit or charm . there isn't one laugh to be had in the film , nor is there any excitement . if anything is even marginally good in the picture , it is the bright animation style , so it is especially unfortunate that it wasn't to service a more quality film . " the rugrats movie " is doa from the start . i am all for a worthwhile family movie , but sometimes an animated film comes along that is simply awful . as said before , young children may like it , but even they deserve better than this . for adults , it is a nearly unbearable , excruciating chore to sit through . as for me , " the rugrats movie , " is not the worst of the year , nor is it the most deeply hated , but it is the most boring . parents : do yourselves a favor and take your kids to see the rerelease of , " the wizard of oz . " that is a picture that contains a great deal of magic and wonder , two things of which , " the rugrats movie , " is completely missing . plunkett & macleane is a period piece mired down by modern mtv pretentions . i have nothing against the mtv approach to filmmaking -- used properly it can save a movie ( see stigmata ) -- but it ruins this one , making a muddled , incoherent mess out of a potentially interesting premise . there are certain genres that just don't go together . the film opens with a sequence that i still don't understand . it involves some sort of prison outbreak , a robbery , and a gem that keeps being eaten . in any case , the caper ( whatever it may be ) brings together plunkett and macleane ( robert carlyle and johnny lee miller , respectively ) , two happy-go-lucky brits with no way to make a living . they make a pact to steal money from the rich and give it to themselves until they earn enough money to buy a ticket to america . their first heist involves a young debutante named lady rebecca ( liv tyler ) ; a woman macleane was especially friendly with at a party just earlier . his decorum when stripping her of her valuables earns our two crooks the name " gentleman highwaymen . " lady rebecca also happens to be the niece of the lord chief justice , a glaringly arrogant man nearing the end of his political career . he demands that the robbers be caught and punished immediately , leaving the job in the hands of the devious chance ( ken stott ) who has a few more things on his mind than catching criminals . meanwhile , macleane falls in love with rebecca infuriating the businesslike plunkett , who doesn't want his plans to be foiled by his partner's mindless romantic travails . director jake scott , son of ridley scott ( alien , blade runner ) , has his father's knack for setting up atmospheric shots but none of his skill in actually moving the camera . most of the action scenes are filmed in such a rapid , jerky way that it's impossible to comprehend what's going on . the camerawork is even more nauseating than in the purposefully dizzying the blair witch project due to its lack of fluidity . instead of utilizing panning shots to impress upon us the scope of the events scott uses attention-deficit-disorder edits . he barely ever holds a shot for more than ten seconds and during the faster scenes it seems more like a couple frames between each cut . the weird , almost defiant lack of dialogue ( there are no -- no -- conversations lasting over , say , 20 seconds ) undermines character definition and our two protagonists come off as ciphers rather than characters . the love affair between macleane and rebecca is no different , emotionless and unrealistic . when the script calls for macleane to decide between going to america and going to meet his lover , there is no reason for us to believe it would be worth it for him to abandon his goal ; he and rebecca barely even speak to each other throughout the film . plunkett and macleane wants desperately to be a triumph of style over substance but since its style , quite frankly , blows , the film has no hope of succeeding on any level . i wanted to appreciate this movie on the basis of its admittedly kinetic pace but i couldn't -- it was so kinetic it gave me a headache . * this review contains spoilers * as with most of her films , director amy heckerling's latest , loser , seesaws between unpleasant and artificial , and is sometimes both at once . when she tackles big issues , such as abortion in fast times at ridgemont high , it's impossible to tell whether she's being matter-of-fact or glib about them ( they carry an almost documentary starkness ) , but whatever the case , she continually refuses to comment politically . such is the sitcom tendency of her work : to jeopardize the innocence of her characters and then hit the reset button . this fear of drama soured me on fast times . . . , look who's talking , clueless , and now loser , in which ms . heckerling also demonstrates , for the first time , zero affinity for the milieu . has anyone , for instance , ever met a girl in the stylistic vein of mena suvari's dora ? attired in black thrift , her eye shadow smeared to racoon chic and her bangy red hair barely contained by girlish clips , she accepts the label of goth , but no self-respecting goth girl ever admitted to digging , as dora does , those geriatric rockers everclear , nor willingly went anywhere with a six-pack-wielding fratboy stranger . the mechanics of loser's tired old introvert-boy-falls-for-extrovert-girl plot drive its protagonists into cultural non-specificity , so that they become even less than stereotypes . they become walking wardrobes . small-town transplant paul ( a strangely static jason biggs ) , our eponymous hero , always wears his woolly hunter's cap with flaps covering the ears , and beneath it rests a parted moptop that couldn't scream " shemp " ( the lame stooge ) wig louder . he has three smug-looking roommates ( the one-dimensional trio is not supposed to be brothers , but they share similar facial features , including and especially mouths ) , and their fashion sense is incomprehensibly glam . though they're not overtly transvestites , heckerling seems to be equating flamboyance with villainy ; how very cruising of her . ( the dormies conspire to evict paul and regularly molest women they have drugged . dora ignorantly downs one of their date rape potions . unfortunately , either heckerling or the studio is too cowardly to admit if she was subsequently violated . ) when paul rescues dora from said narcotic scare , he learns that she is dating their unctuous european lit professor edward alcott ( superb greg kinnear ) . although paul's already in love with dora by this point , as is bound to happen to losers when pretty girls address them by name , he gets altruistic and pretends the flowers he bought her are actually from alcott . she's thrilled , but nevertheless spends a few days at paul's to recuperate ; the two bond over emergency kitten surgery and a broadway play ( " cabaret " ) , and just when paul's got in his head that she's starting to love him back in that non-friendly way , she decides to become alcott's live-in girlfriend . cue precious hommage to the graduate , shots of paul drifting around berkeley--er . . . ( aside : simon & garfunkel's " parsley , sage , rosemary & thyme " should never have been allowed in another motion picture . ) heckerling has a lot in common with nora " you've got mail " ephron , the only other prominent chick directing comedies today , in that neither has any use for strong-willed women . men continue to trod on dora until the bitter end ( in the final scene , she gives paul a big smooch after he blurts out his feelings in what amounts to a creepy ultimatum ) , and dora ultimately shrugs off being drugged against her will--mere hours after paul hints to her that she was poisoned , she's cheerily redecorating his apartment . ( heckerling is so laissez-faire about the issue in general that she reserves the comeuppance of the would-be rapists for jokey epilogue titles . ) goth veneer aside , there are an awful lot of girls out there who behave as erratically as dora , and enough angry young dude filmmakers to make movies about them . heckerling misses her shot at having dora transform herself into a role model , and while such arcs may not be heckerling's social responsibility , it is a privilege i would have taken advantage of if i were in her shoes . ( consider , too , that dora is the film's sole female principal . ) not that loser is worth contemplating this seriously--god knows heckerling didn't . that is her hallmark . ( --- for more first-run , dvd , and books-about-movies reviews , plus contests and the proverbial " more ! " , visit 'film freak central , ' @ http : //filmfreakcentral . net --- ) fantastically over hyped , godzila finally lumbers onto the big screen . the film opens with footage of nuclear testing on the french polynesian islands , then an attack on a boat from some beast , and finally we join dr . nick tatopoulos ( broderick looking about 17 years old ) doing some research in chernobyl . some shady u . s government guys appear , and ask him to come to an island where they have massive footprints , from what looks like a giant lizard . and what's more , this beast is heading for new york . gulp ! although godzilla should be a non stop roller coaster ride , and at some points it is , there is something curiously uninvolving and unexciting about this movie . the main faults lie with the acting and writing , common problems with 'summer blockbuster' movies . broderick is pretty useless as the hero , with no humour or a 'tough guy' image . while emmerich's previous summer flick , independence day ( 1996 ) had wisecracks and action from jeff goldblum and will smith , this has neither . also , maria pitillo , as broderick's former girlfriend , is just as useless , with a chronic disability in acting . she's incapable of showing emotion , speaks every line in the same way , and basically she's total crap . it's up to french actor jean reno to save the day , and indeed he does , turning in a campy performance as a french secret agent . shame he has such little screen time in such a overlong film . hank azaria also turns up as a crazy cameraman named 'animal' , and he adds a little life to the picture . also making an appearance is harry shearer ( probably best know for doing voices in the simpsons ) as a slimy news reporter . o . k , so the acting is not up to par , but it never is in these movies . but what about the script ? well , that's not up to par either . emmerich and screenwriting pal dean devlin seem so caught in the destruction of new york city that they forgot to write a script . the dialogue is banal ( broderick looks at a lot of fish and utters 'that's a lot of fish . ' ) , and the character development is non existent ( reno plays the typical frenchman ( 'no croissant ? ' ) , broderick forever remains a geeky scientist . ) also , the film is seriously lacking a sense of humour . the jokes that are uttered are pathetic , and there's an 'hilarious' running gag about siskel and ebert . ( the mayor is mayor ebert , and is assistant is called gene ! ha ha ha ha ! . ) the plot is dire , and in the end just rips off jurassic park ( 1993 ) by having lots of baby godzilla's ( i . e . velicorapters ) running around new york . right , so the script and acting suck . but what about the special effects ? thankfully , they're are quite good . godzilla is an impressive piece of cgi , although we don't see much of him because the movie is so dark . the destruction of new york is pretty well done aswell . but although they are impressive , they can't save godzilla from being an hugely disappointing and boring movie . the movie goes on for far too long aswell , and it can't seem to decide on a ending . and of course , the ending itself leaves possibility for a sequel . let's just hope one never arrives . movie concepts are often pitched to producers with mathematical formulas involving successful films of the past . so , undoubtedly one day someone said , " 'evolution ? ' it's 'ghostbusters' plus 'men in black' plus 'tremors . ' " and so it is . sum total none . the alienbusting begins when a meteor lands in glen canyon , arizona . community college science profs ira kane ( david duchovny ) and harry block ( orlando jones ) take some samples from the meteor and discover that one-celled organisms from inside it are evolving rapidly , doing in hours what took millions of years for life on earth . just about the time i was wondering , " hey , doesn't the government usually come in and take over the whole area in these movies , " the government came in and took over the whole area . the leader of the pack , gen . woodman ( ted levine ) , turns out to be an old nemesis of ira's , and ira and harry are blocked from doing further research . meanwhile , the organisms continue to grow until they are large enough to start attacking people . by this time , ira and harry have gained a friend in dr . allison reed ( julianne moore ) of the center for disease control . a country club poolboy , wayne green ( seann william scott ) , has also attached himself to the merry band . but can they find the means to stop the aliens in time ? director ivan reitman seems to be revisiting his biggest hit , 1984's " ghostbusters , " but " evolution " falls miserably short . one reason is readily apparent . " ghostbusters " had three really funny guys as its scientists ( bill murray , dan aykroyd , and harold ramis ) , but " evolution " has one really funny guy ( orlando jones ) who can adlib and milk the comic potential of lines that prove useless in anyone else's hands . for good measure , " ghostbusters " had the comic talents of rick moranis ; " evolution " offers seann william scott , who was much funnier in " american pie " and " road trip " than he is here . scott has one amusing scene where he sings " you are so beautiful to me " to a dragon-like alien to draw it into a trap . other than that , scott seems unable to make much of the thin material the writers gave him . an actor in search of a forte , david duchovny looked for his gritty action hero side in " playing god " and his romantic side in " return to me . " now he wants to find his wacky comedic talent ; what we all find is that he doesn't have any . look for him to be back on tv in five years or so . another sad case is julianne moore , who needs to be more selective about the offers she accepts . she's a talented actress with an impressive list of credits and award nominations , so why is she trying to do slapstick comedy ? her character has a tendency to trip over and bump into things , but the trait comes off as a pathetic plea for laughs . the sole saving grace of the film is jones . he's at the center of the movie's funniest scene -- where an alien bug invades harry's body and has to be pulled out through his ass . jones is the only cast member who can take the comedic ball and run with it , but he can't carry the whole movie by himself . he found himself in a similar situation in " the replacements , " where he was also the only comic talent in an ensemble cast . jones will eventually find the project that will make him a major comedy star , but this isn't it . well arnold has completed the seemingly impossible task . he has made three consecutive unsatisfactory action films . in a domain that he owns , it is very surprising that this goliath of an action star can not tell a good action script from a bad one . eraser , back in 1996 , was a confused film that made no attempt at all to make sense . batman and robin , in 1997 , was the black sheep of the batman series with ridiculous acting , idiotic action scenes , and painfully flashy costumes . now in 1999 , " end of days " ( not " the end of days " ) is the third strike in a tough at bat for arnold . is this the end of a powerful action star's long-lived career ? will arnold ever give us another unforgettable performance in another unforgettable classic like those in the past ( " terminator " , " terminator 2 : judgement day " , " predator " ) ? or an unforgettable performance in a great guilty pleasure like those in the past ( " commando " , " red sonja " , " true lies " ) ? it doesn't look that way . " end of days " begins with the birth of a baby girl in 1979 who inexorably , due to the formation of the stars on that night , will be the carrier of satan's baby the hour before new year's of 2000 . fortunately for the movie's sake , the girl grows up and now resides in manhattan with skyscrapers , subway trains in dark tunnels , and a myriad of inept nypd officers . it's an action film's dream come true when the director is given tons of cool stuff to blow up . imagine if the girl had lived in anytown , usa , where the only thing to destroy is a dairy queen and a post office . arnold schwarzenegger ( jericho cane ) , in a series of boring events finds himself in the middle of a religious battle between the church , who is trying to hide the girl ( or in some cases trying to kill her ) , and satan ( gabriel byrne ) who is trying to make her pregnant . if the devil is successful , the world will no longer exist as we know it . jericho feels it is his duty to protect the girl from everyone because 1 ) he once had faith but no longer does and 2 ) his wife and daughter were killed and he feels responsible for it . jericho cane is your cliched , by-the-numbers hero right up to his name . arnold fittingly plays the character as cliched as he can . he shouts at everyone , from cops to priests , to the devil . in one truly hilarious scene , which was supposed to be the ultimate dramatic high point , jericho screams to the devil ; " you are a @#$^% ! & choir boy ! you are a choir boy ! " those two lines marked the high points of this film . a movie can still be enjoyable when the supporting cast is more effective than the main actor . " end of days " fails to contain any memorable performances with the exception of gabriel byrne . byrne , playing a man who has been made the manifestation of the devil , seems to be the only one who is having fun in this whole movie . he wonderfully plays a manipulative villain with the power to control everyone at any time . the annoying thing about his character , however , is that he has the power to kill any human with a simple punch in the face , yet he finds it impossible to seriously hurt jericho . i can not count the number of times he could have killed jericho and taken the girl from his custody . the other actors in the film give very weak and unconvincing performances . kevin pollak , who plays the partner and close friend of jericho , is the supposedly funny character in the film ( every action movie has one ) . the one problem is that pollak does not deliver one funny line . robin tunney plays the chosen mother of satan's baby with extreme annoyance . she gets no sympathy from any of the characters in the film , except arnold who pretends she is his wife and daughter , or any of the viewers in the audience . in one unnecessary scene , tunney walks out of her room and takes her top off . is this her job in the film ? the actors are not to blame entirely because the script is terrible . you can tell a script is terrible when you are able to predict what will happen minutes before it does . this little prediction game is a very fun exception to trying to sit through this nonsense of a movie . in a last attempt to make this movie good , special effects are used to try to entertain the audience . but without a memorable action scene in the whole film , the director has not done his job successfully . this film would have gotten a c+ if arnold stood in front of a camera and shouted " you are a ! $@^@ * ^ choir boy ! ! " for two hours . whether or not i would be considered a trekker probably depends on whom you would ask . i have been a fan of both the original series and its recently retired follow-up , as well as the even- numbered entries in the film series . however , i have never been one of those folks who store away trek minutiae and get into debates over the relative merits of spock vs . data . somewhere along the line , the " star trek " film series began to seem more and more directed at those in the latter category , and star trek : generations may be the natural conclusion of this direction . its production values may be high , but the writing is frequently appalling , and instead of a script has a collection of references , in-jokes and ill-defined characters . generations opens in the late 23rd century , where members of the original enterprise crew , including captain james t . kirk ( william shatner ) , are present for the christening of the latest ship to bear that name . no sooner is it out on its maiden voyage than a distress signal brings them to the nexus , a mysterious ribbon of energy . among those rescued from the nexus is long-lived alien dr . soran ( malcolm mcdowell ) , but he is none-too-pleased at being back in the real world . seventy-eight years later , soran is still trying to get back to the nexus , and again encounters an enterprise , this one led by captain jean-luc picard ( patrick stewart ) . soran's plan involves destroying a star with an inhabited planet , and the only hope for saving 230 million people is the historic meeting of two enterprise captains . i don't think it is an insult to fans of " star trek " to suggest that to a certain extent , the particulars of a plot are not really the most important elements in a " trek " film . it's about a chance to visit with old friends , and if they are involved in a truly interesting story it can be considered gravy . but even that interpretation assumes that characterization has to be consistent , and in generations that just doesn't happen . data ( brent spiner ) is particularly victimized by this sloppy writing . in the film's major sub-plot , data decides to use a chip which will give him human emotions , a chip he has had in his possession for over a year . what is his motivation for taking this drastic and perhaps dangerous step ? he doesn't get a joke . once the chip is in place , spiner gets to have a lot of fun with data's new emotions , but the point is that he's no longer the data we know . if the rest of the " next generation " cast fares any better , it's only because they're on the screen so little that they're simply window dressing . but then again , this story isn't really about the new crew . it's about kirk and picard , the cowboy and the politician , sharing the screen . the huge surprise is that william shatner blows patrick stewart away . perhaps because he knows this is his last go-round in the part that made him a legend , shatner looks like he's having the time of his life ; stewart , on the other hand , borders on the deferrential , and is saddled with the same lackluster motivations as everyone else in the cast . stewart's edginess is indicative of what may be a very bad sign for paramount's hopes to turn the new cast into the same kind of franchise the original cast was : these are clearly the not ready for big screen players . by contrast , the prologue which features scotty ( james doohan ) and chekhov ( walter koenig ) is the highlight of the film . these characters have become part of the popular mythology , and when they take over the enterprise in a moment of distress , it's a moment of high energy . only thirty years of history can create a moment like that , and that's time this new crew doesn't have . it certainly doesn't help that the plot they are stuck in is so convoluted and badly constructed that you need to leave a trail of bread crumbs to find your way out again . it's also loaded with little gags all aimed at those who are familiar enough with the series to turn to all their friends in a shared nudge of recognition . i wonder whether anyone who is coming in cold to the " trek " universe at this point would be anything but baffled and bored by what is going on . and what a waste of malcolm mcdowell , who could have been a great monomanical villain but should have been given a much more compelling reason for his obsession . there are plenty of details both scientific and of continuity to pick at , but to do so would be to ignore generations' major flaws . however , i would like to make one recommendation : seatbelts . not just for the enterprise crew , although you'd think by the 24th century space travel wouldn't involve rolling around on the floor during a battle . no , i think the audience might need them more . this journey is one bumpy ride . they should have stuck to the promise emblazoned on the original movie's poster : " no sequel . " scary movie 2 is nowhere near as funny as its predecessor , and it is not because the wayans brothers , shawn and marlon doing the writing and keenen ivory behind the camera , don't try . what defeats them is the genre they have chosen to spoof . the first movie - an outrageous , low-brow , savage satire of teen slasher flicks such as scream and i know what you did last summer - succeeded because of its take-no-prisoners attitude toward a type of film that was in vogue , familiar and popular . in scary movie 2 , the filmmakers take on the haunted house-ghost story format which , if you look at the grosses for such recent lame offerings as the respective remakes of the haunting and house on haunted hill , did not draw audiences nor enter the cultural psyche as did the various teen slasher series . scary movie 2 does start off promising with a wonderful spoof of the exorcist , featuring james wood in the max von sydow role and veronica cartwright lampooning ellen burstyn . of course split pea soup is the punch line - an overabundant amount , which offers the hope that the rest of the movie will be just as tasteless and excessive . but this pre-credit sequence has nothing at all to do with the main action , which features the cast members from the original signing up to spend a weekend at a creepy haunted mansion as part of a university class project . some of the jokes are as scatological and offensive as in the original , but they lack that take-no-prisoners bite that raised scary movie to the heights of burlesque . scary movie 2 merely lurches from one lame sendup to another , offering weak spoofs of that nike shoe ad in which everyone does acrobatics with a basketball , and the films what lies beneath and hannibal ( features that only faired adequately at the box office ) , john woo's mission : impossible 2 and charlie's angels . it is as if the wayans and their team of writers - at least seven are credited - just threw ideas in a blender and hoped they'd coalesce . they don't . while the pace of the original left you breathless , the sequel moves with the speed of an 18-wheeler carrying two tons of concrete up a steep mountain road . you can almost hear the reels panting . scary movie 2 tries very hard to live up to its original , but it falls very short . it's a dissatisfying spectacle , a very weak sister of a very good movie . the really scary aspect of this sequel is how disappointing it really is . vikings v . bears ? no , this isn't the lineup for monday night football . rather , these are the two opposing forces that will battle to the death in " the 13th warrior , " a film that is as dramatically flat as it is gratuitously gory . based on michael crichton's book , eaters of the dead , this viking saga tries to evoke the mysticism of fabled norsemen and the glorious battles that they fought . their strength and honor would eventually etch their place in history among the greatest warriors that ever picked up a sword . luckily for the vikings , however , their warring abilities were not as clumsy as this film . antonio bandaras is ahmed , a travelling ambassador . accompanied by his friend ( omar shariff in a cameo ) , they eventually come across a small viking village . we see that the vikings are an extremely proud group whose greatest strength is their fortitude . they laugh heartily , revel in their arrogance , and sing songs of battles won . but their festivities are about to be halted when a messenger boy arrives to tell the village leader that a great evil is threatening their land . help is needed quickly . an elderly , fortune-telling witch arrives . after a brief incantation , she proclaims that 12 warriors and one more " not of norse blood " are needed to ensure victory . personally , i always wonder why people believe these oracles when they look so haggardly and on the brink of insanity . nonetheless , 12 men eagerly accept their place while ahmed becomes the pivotal 13th . the group then sets out to do the greatest battle of their lives . of course during their ride , ahmed becomes the target of fun for the other 12 burly viking warriors . but he ably shows that it's not the size of the dog in the fight but rather the size of the fight in the dog . he is able to overcome the proud arrogance of the vikings , but will his skills ( and that of the group ) be enough to defeat whatever evil is menacing the countryside ? it does not look promising . these creatures , resembling bears , are strong and have high morale . they are fearless and display a desire for decapitating the heads of their enemies . they attack by the hundreds and the next strike will come soon . the warriors prepare their defenses and pray to their gods . they are ready to sacrifice their lives . " this is a good way to die , " says one of the fallen warriors . despite the larger-than-life battle sequences , i was unmoved by the entire experience . at many points , i was even confused . for example , somewhere in the middle of the film , a sub-plot creeps up involving the prince of the threatened land . he seems to have an agenda to elevate himself to greater power during this crisis . however , the sub-plot never fully materializes , and we are left scratching our heads as to the purpose of its inclusion . there are other questions that i had , but the real problem was that the story ( little of it that there was ) offered no characters to love or hate . the leader of the viking warriors had the most charisma . however , banderas's role is completely underwritten and it is unclear why being the 13th warrior makes him so special . an entire rewrite of the ahmed character is in order . also , much of the action takes place during torrential downpours or at night , which made battles very difficult to follow . i would have preferred more time looking at the viking culture and how their beliefs shaped their decision to do battle against the enemy . as it stands , the film manages more confusion than intensity . it would make thor cry . apparently , when crap calls , jim carrey answers . here he is , mugging it up in countless unfunny ways for the fifth time , his second go-around in the role of pet detective ace ventura . that means more talking ass-cracks , penis jokes and cries of " al-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-lrighty then . " it all adds up to a sequel that makes the original resemble schindler's list in terms of dramatic merit , or lack of . granted , there are a few laughs amid the constant barrage of pre-school humor , but anyone who appreciates good comedy will bang their head against the wall ten times for every minor chuckle . it's a painful experience for anyone with a brain . ace is distraught after accidentally dropping a racoon into a canyon ( in a parody of the opening scene of sylvester stallone's cliffhanger , jim carrey being the only person who can make stallone look like a college professor in terms of intellect , or lack of ) and decides to retire to the mountains of tibet to gain a higher level of consciousness ( or , in his case , a level of consciousness ) . but he is pulled out of retirement to the tune of $20 , 000 to retrieve a sacred white bat for an african tribe . why africa ? so carrey can disguise himself nude inside a fake rhino and later climb out the rear end as a tourist family watches ( " look , the rhino's about to give birth ! " ) . if that seems like hee-haw humor to you , by all means , see the movie . if not , claim your place in human civilization with the rest of us . obviously , there are quite a few nonmembers of civilization who made this movie , like the first ace ventura film ( i use the word " film " only because it was filmed , not because there's any level of artistic merit . ) , a huge success . in fact , carrey only has a career because of the decline of intelligence in our culture . you may say to me , " but andrew , look at jerry lewis . he was born with a negative i . q . and look how popular he was thirty years ago . " maybe , but i still say jerry lewis is a notch or two up on the comedic ladder because he never actually did an impression in a movie of a rabid bulldog biting off a man's testicles . . . lewis at least had the dignity to save that performance for when company came over . one of my favorite songs by the stranglers includes the lyric , " you'd better watch out for the skin deep . " i'd like to extend the same warning : watch out for skin deep , but whatever you do don't watch skin deep . skin deep is a tedious and uneven comedy written and directed by blake edwards . john ritter stars as zach , a dried up writer and insatiable womanizer with a big-time drinking problem . i never saw edwards' comedy the man who loved women , but i have to wonder whether skin deep is a remake . you see , to put it mildly , zach goes to bed with just about each and every woman he meets . as the movie opens , zach's wife , alex , catches him with not only his mistress but also his mistress' hairdresser . like any sensible wife , alex kicks zach out of the house and divorces him . in response , zach goes on a spiritual journey of drinking , womanizing , psychotherapy , and self-discovery . if you're turned on by the idea of watching ritter drink , get arrested , have sex , drink , crash his mercedes , have more sex , drink , get arrested again , drink , and sing horrendously at the piano , then skin deep should be right up your alley . skin deep makes the fatal mistake of inflicting on us unbelievable and unsympathetic characters . zach is a rich , '80s l . a . version of ritter's jack tripper character from " three's company . " like jack , zach is clumsy and inept ; he's the type of guy whose bad aim makes him accidently squirt breath freshener into his eye . zach is supposed to be charming and charismatic , but i failed to see even one redeeming virtue in him . consequently , i never felt the least bit of sympathy or pity for the philandering alcoholic during his moments of crisis . in fact , when zach crashes his ex-wife's wedding in a desperate attempt to stop her from remarrying , i actually rooted for her to go through with the ceremony . to add insult to injury , edwards gives his large supporting cast nothing but stereotypes with which to work . for instance , vincent gardenia's talents are wasted in his role as the fatherly bartender . of all the women in the film--and there are many--alyson reed , alone , stands out as zach's wife ; reed brings intelligence and sensitivity to the role . because we don't care the slightest bit about anyone in skin deep , the film's few feeble attempts at drama inevitably fail . the comedy in skin deep doesn't fare much better . most of the jokes are dumb , predictable , and sitcomish . about every ten minutes , however , edwards does manage to come up with a good line or a novel sight-gag , the most effective of which involves a pair of " dueling " condoms . overall , the laughs in skin deep are just too infrequent and the characters just too shallow for the film to stay afloat . my final criticism of the film lies in its glamorous depiction of alcohol and alcoholism . zach's excessive drinking is clearly ruining his life , but nevertheless it seems to give him more pleasure than pain . zach's drinking binges never have any truly serious or lasting consequences . if he crashes his mercedes , he gets a new one . if he gets arrested , his lawyer bails him out of jail . if his wife leaves him , she will eventually decide to give him a second chance if he'll clean up his act . the tone in skin deep is all wrong ; edwards treats a very serious issue far too lightly , making a joke out of a problem that is no joking matter . perhaps edwards should have studied dudley moore in arthur or , better yet , michael keaton in clean and sober before making skin deep . this movie about two dysfunctional families never really gets off the ground , despite some good performances from a basically competent cast . eddie ( sean penn ) and maureen ( robin wright penn ) are a not-so-happily married couple down on their luck . living in rented rooms in the seedier part of an unnamed city , they spend what little income they have at the local bar , owned by shorty ( stanton ) , eddie's best friend , and his wife georgie ( mazar ) . maureen and eddie share an odd relationship marked by eddie's frequent disappearances . on his return , he promises her the world and professes his undying love . their manic reunions all too soon lead to new lows , as eddie disappears again . like a junky craving the next high , maureen suffers through the lows to reach the next high . their relationship is further complicated by maureen's pregnancy . she wants the baby and the father , but deep down seems to sense the inevitability of losing the latter . during one of eddie's absences , maureen is attacked by kiefer , her neighbor , who gets her drunk ( with her cooperation ) and then insists on intimacy . she leaves badly bruised and in fear of what eddie might do -- not to her , but to kiefer . she lies about what happens to ensure that no harm will come to eddie as the result of his inevitable rage . he lashes out as she expects , and ends up in an institution for what he believes to be 3 months -- but in reality is 10 years . during this decade , maureen divorces eddie and remarries a more solid and reliable individual , joey ( travolta , in a small role ) . her life falls apart again when eddie is released from the institution and comes to find her . joey insists on bringing eddie into his home and making his wife choose between her husband ( and father of two children ) and stability ( joey makes a good living , drives a cadillac , and they live in a large house in the suburbs ) and the love of her previous life . she chooses her past , and sacrifices not only her new life but her old ( by giving up her and eddie's daughter to joey ) . but the eddie that she knew is gone , replaced by a mere shell of the man he was . maureen is herself a mere shell , more an automaton than a woman -- as if she had gone through whatever therapy and treatment eddie was given along with him . perhaps these two really do need each other and can find happiness ( or maybe the lack of sadness ) together , but the movie's denouement was not convincing . michael richards leaves his spot as kramer on the infamous seinfeld tv sitcom for a stint as a lanky , goofy best friend to jeff daniels' lawyer character in this ill-fated , and unfunny , " comedy " . plot : richard the actor ( richards ) has to take the place of charles the lawyer ( daniels ) in a real court case , after charles is left unintelligible from a night of heavy drinking at his bachelor party . the film follows the antics of the two men as they try to get away with their tomfoolery . critique : this movie did not make me laugh once . perhaps it was because i was tired when i watched it . perhaps . perhaps it was because i had seen richards perform most of the same schtick a thousand times on seinfeld . perhaps . perhaps it was because the movie just wasn't funny . absolutely . the lack of humour wasn't the only issue that i had with this film either . the movie attempts to weave a couple of love stories through its vision , but unfortunately , they are also lacking in conviction , believability and credibility . they are contrived and appear to be placed into the story for convenience sake . the actors were all adequate enough in their roles , but the problem didn't lie in the acting . i wish i could find one good reason for you to see this waste of time , but i can't . unless of course , you need something playing on your tv set while you waste some time around the house . overall , this movie stinks . on the good side , charlize theron is darn cute , and the movie is no longer then 90 minutes . on the bad side , this movie is not funny , interesting or enjoyable in any which way possible . a person wouldn't even enjoy his nachos while watching this emptiness . please skip it . little known facts : jonathan lynn earned a degree in law from cambridge before becoming an actor/director . charlize theron grew up on a farm outside benoni , south africa , as the only child . at the age of 18 her mother made her go to los angeles to try a career in the movie industry . she came to la without knowing anyone in the city but after two weeks when she was standing in line on hollywood boulevard an agent gave her his card . after eight months in la she got her first part . since then she has taken acting lessons and her career has skyrocketed , specifically in devil's advocate ( 8/10 ) . charlize was narrowly beat out by elizabeth berkley for the lead role in the " movie " , showgirls . she was quoted as saying " it was like i had some guardian angel . " jackie chan kicks his way into van damme territory with twin dragons , an embarrassingly bland action comedy of mistaken identities . chan plays separated-at-births boomer and john ma , whose drastically different paths . . . aw , forget the plot description , it's not even worth the space . but let's face it . no one goes to jackie chan movies for the plot anyway . the scenes where nothing happens in chan's films have always been little more than glue thriftily spread to hold the action sequences together . in the case of twin dragons , however , the tiresome plot-driving scenes fritter away so much of the movie that you almost want to shout ( at the risk of demeaning the artistic value of cinema ) , " get to the good part already ! " most of the film is devoted to showing the brothers' efforts to hide the other's existence from their own acquaintances . why it is necessary to do this is not satisfactorily explained , but neither are a lot of aspects of the plot . the twins' love interests , demure club-singer barbara ( chan-film regular maggie cheung ) and lusty bride-hopeful tammy ( nina li chi ) , get disoriented in all the brouhaha , yet strangely seem not to mind that they are not sure which brother they are in love with . the scenes describing the boys' bumbling antics get stretched so thin we stop caring who chan is supposed to be in any given shot ( in several shots , in fact , even the make-up and hair people seem to forget which brother is which . ) . even chan's so-corny-it's-funny humor is off-kilter in this outing . some of the gags are so carefully innocuous they're annoying . a case in point : whenever anyone sees the brothers together , they fall to the ground in a dead faint . are we laughing yet ? as usual , the final showdown is the film's jewel , a tour de force display of chan' s agility and grace . never mind that it's not clear how the brothers end up fighting suited bad guys inside an automobile crash-testing facility . it's all good fun , but too little too late . perhaps chan's next movie should just be a collection of the last fight sequences of all of his movies . they could call it jackie chan's the final fight scenes , and everybody would go home happy . reviewed april 14 , 1999 at loews theaters white marsh , white marsh , md . the general's daughter will probably be the cleverest stupid film we'll see this year -- or perhaps the stupidest clever film . it's confusing to a critic when so much knuckleheaded plotting and ostentatious direction shares the screen with so much snappy dialogue and crisp character interaction . that , however , is what happens when legendary screenwriter william goldman takes a pass at an otherwise brutally predictable conspiracy thriller . the punched-up punch lines are ever on the verge of convincing you the general's daughter has a brain in its head , even as the remaining 75% of the narrative punches you in the face with its lack of common sense . our hero is warrant officer paul brenner , a brash investigator for the u . s . army's criminal investigation division . his latest case is the murder of captain elisabeth campbell ( leslie stefanson ) at a georgia base , the victim found tied to the ground after an apparent sexual assault and strangulation . complicating the case is the fact that capt . campbell is the daughter of general joe campbell ( james cromwell ) , a war hero and potential vice-presidential nominee . general campbell wants to keep the case out of the press , which gives brenner only the 36 hours before the fbi steps in . teamed with rape investigator sarah sunhill ( madeleine stowe ) -- who , coincidentally enough , once had a romantic relationship with brenner -- brenner begins uncovering dark secrets from the late captain's past that make the case ever more sordid . if only the sordidness were the worst of the general's daughter's problems . scenes of sexual degredation do linger much longer than necessary , their negligible dramatic value overwhelmed by filtered-light sleaze . director simon west likely thinks he's covered himself by juxtaposing these images of violence with sweet flowers , but all he does is prove himself dependent on visual cliches , which is the film's fatal flaw . it's a trend he continues for two hours , taking the story's few virtues and slapping a coat of moron-proof obviousness over them . characters who may ( wink wink ) turn out to be villains are photographed in ominous shadow ; cutaway inserts of the captain campbell's still-living face after the corpse is uncovered insure against five-minute attention spans . west just can't help himself from overdirecting every minute of the general's daughter . he even turns a scene of footage shown on cnn into an excuse for slow-fade edits . bubbling up from this overcooked stew are enough tasty lines to distract you from its smell . the slickest scene finds brenner squaring off with captain campbell's mentor , a psychological warfare expert named moore ( james woods ) . there's something invigorating about watching two smart actors playing smart characters firing honesty at one another . indeed , travolta gets to sink his teeth into dozens of choice lines based on his delight at provoking authority figures ( to the local sheriff of the georgia county : " shouldn't you be out night-sticking the colored folk ? " ) . even the lame device of brenner and sunhill's sexual history provides a few winning zingers . goldman's dialogue can serve up a bigger laugh than you'll find in most so-called comedies . dialogue , unfortunately , just isn't enough to make a quality script . it's difficult to take a movie about a criminal investigation seriously when the investigators are both too stupid to solve it sooner ( an idiotic inability to recognize the nature of the crime scene ) and too lucky for it to last any longer ( not one but two occasions where brenner catches a vital piece of evidence out of the corner of his eye ) . by the time the general's daughter wanders towards its over-wrought , psycho-in-the-rain finale , west's heavy hand has obliterated most of what made the film occasionally fun . it's silly and pretentious film-making , but at least it provides a giggle or five . goldman should tear the 15 decent pages out of this script and turn them into a stand-up routine . cradle will rock is the latest effort from director/actor tim robbins . while he may have had an oscar worthy film back in 1995 ( dead man walking ) , he gets a little overconfident and sloppy here . the story is confusing , and filled with many subplots , so i'll try my best and explain it as simply as possible . the film is based on a " mostly " true story about a federal theater in the 1930s , that produced a play ( the cradle will rock ) that apparently was offensive to some , so the government shuts it down . it's during the time of the depression , and all this theater wants to do is entertain and cheer up those who do not have jobs , or are poor . between this conflict lies what seems like 10 subplots , about those who work in theater , or those associated . also along the way are some other messages mashed together to create an even more overwhelming experience . tim robbin's just keeps piling on political views , and characters , that we just give up on the film , or in some cases walk out . for robbin's it may be a nice achievement , but to me it seemed more like a friendly get together with slightly more sophisticated dialogue , and fancy outfits . i thought the main reason for seeing the film would be for the outstanding cast , unfortunately are all uninteresting , except for a few . let me recap what each important character does , so please bear with me ( it's the least you can do , especially if you were considering seeing this ) . i'll begin with those involved with the play . there's orson welles ( angus macfadyen ) who of course is the director of the play , the producer john houseman ( cary elwes ) , marc blitzstein ( hank azaria ) the writer of the play , emily watson , a woman who gets her break by playing the main part in cradle will rock . outside the play there's the : ventriloquist ( bill murray ) who wants a relationship with a federal theater clerk ( joan cusack ) , another subplot involving a painter diego rivera ( ruben blades ) who's unhappy that his painting is too be destroyed by nelson rockefeller because he feels it to be an outrage ( john cusack ) . there's a few other actresses and actors who have their own stories ( susan sarandon , philip baker hall too name a few ) but those that i mentioned , were the most significant to the story . anyway , most of these talented hollywood stars were completely wasted , except for emily watson , who does another great job , and one of my personal favorite actors john cusack , who always delivers through thick and thin . now although most of the film was weak to say the least , there were some nice moments and some involving subjects , but all this is overblown . sure the free speech segment was a nice feature , but not when it becomes repetitive . the whole film is like this , and it's basically nothing but a headache . on the brighter side , tim robbin's direction was masterful . his camera direction seemed reminiscent to the works of paul thomas anderson's latest magnolia , only smoother in my opinion , but even that can't make a movie that much better . although it has it's moments ( not many of them , but they're there ) , cradle will rock stays true to it's title , because the cradle rocked too far and tipped over . disillusioned and trying to find the spice of life , richard ( leonardo dicaprio ) sets off for thailand . there he a meets crazed man by the name of daffy ( robert carlyle ) who gives him a map to a beach , a secret utopia , then commits suicide . richard sets off for this beach with his neighbors from this hotel , ? tienne ( guillaume canet ) and fran ? oise ( virginie ledoyen ) . once they get there the three discover a secret society existing on this beach , there richard falls for fran ? oise . this covers about half to two thirds of the movie and aside from the romantic element , which is solely a creation of hollywood , seems to hold to the original novel . the cinematography and general beauty of this part of the movie is breathtaking . i don't think anyone can argue that this movie is visually stunning . but that is were many things go wrong , darius khondji has totally outdone himself in doing the cinematography . though the script and the interpretation of the novel are quite lacking . the plot of the movie moves along at a decent pace for about half of the movie or there abouts . this is where the movie has some great potential , then the three travelers get the island and there is a turn for the better , yes folks i said better . now up to about two thirds of this movie its actually pretty good , nothing spectacular aside from the cinematography but it still has promise . this is where things start to degenerate to something that becomes almost un-watchable . there is even a 'video game' style sequence that borders on the disgusting , it doesn't make sense for the movie and just looks dumb in my opinion ( and i am hoping many other peoples ) . i am hoping that in my little rant i've made it abundantly clear that the movie is lacking quite seriously in plot and uneven pacing , so if you go see it and you don't like it because of this don't blame me . the character development was not up to par either ; i found the character of richard to be nothing more than a spoiled child . although there is a feeble attempt to make this whole story profound it fails and richard ( leo's character ) comes off as a wannabe philosopher . the character seems to be underdeveloped from the get go and seems to just do things for no apparent reason , granted some people are like this ( myself included ) but i nor anyone i know that is fairly random would ever do things of the sort this character does . the next point is that some of the really interesting characters are simply not developed enough . richard is obviously obsessed by fran ? oise at the early stages of the story , yet there is actually very little development along this story line . this i am sure contributes to the movie's lack of core plot and being unfocused . now , i shall move onto something a little better about the movie ( for all you cynics out there the movie did have a few good things about it ) . the cast and acting was passable at the very least , and i think that leonardo dicaprio actually did pretty well in the role of richard . mind you i think the rest of the cast that had some which had reasonably sized roles did equally well if not better . which begs the question why is leonardo paid so much ? ( i think this is a topic all on its own so i won't get into it ) . but i like the fact that there was an international cast used , had only and american cast been used i can see this movie being horrible . the international flavor added a more global feel to the movie that made it that much more bearable . not to mention the movie is set in thailand and a global cast makes more sense . when all is said and done i liked the movie for the most part but the gaping inadequacies of the plot are unforgivable . i would not recommend this movie to anyone , the fact that i liked it has a lot to do with the cinematography and the sheer beauty of the movie not its plot or story . as it is the story tries to be much too philosophical and fails at its attempt . if you do end up going to see this movie be forewarned about its shortcomings . kate ( jennifer aniston ) is having some problems . it appears the twenty-eight year old is not happy with her slow progression up the company ladder , and her love life apparently leaves something to be desired . she learns that her problems are related , as the owner of her advertising agency , mr . mercer ( kevin dunn ) , explains to her that her single status does not bode well with the company . her freedom would make her more likely to leave the company , taking clients with her . a solution presents itself in nick ( jay mohr ) , a wedding videographer who kate meets through a coincidence and gets photographed with . kate's boss , darcy ( illeana douglas ) , uses the photograph to fabricate a wedding engagement between kate and nick . kate is at first repulsed by the idea , but after getting immediate positive results , she pursues it . her first task is to convince nick to go along with her plan . the actual plan consists of nick pretending to be her fianc ? . at a dinner with kate's bosses he will provoke a fight and they will break up . she meets nick to propose the plan . he accepts . kate's new status brings unexpected results in other areas . the office bad boy , sam ( kevin bacon ) , who wouldn't give kate the time of day , now does . now that she is engaged , he pursues an affair with her , as doing so would destroy her good girl image , hence sam's sudden interest . things start to fall apart for kate , as it becomes apparent that nick really likes her , and does not wish to break up with her . after some provoking nick does oblige , but problems continue for kate . it appears sam is no longer interested now that she is available . or maybe kate does like nick , but " reconciliation " will force her to admit her lies to her employer . adding to her mess is the constant prying of her mother ( olympia dukakis ) , who wants her to get married and settle down . there is a scene in this movie where jennifer aniston is ( from the waist up ) only wearing a bra . it made me chuckle because it is the only time in the movie when she actually wears one . there is enough cleavage in this movie to satisfy russ meyer . it's like the director said 'well , we know the story is formulaic and the performances aren't that great so , what the heck , let's show jennifer's assets as often and as uncovered as humanly possible to keep the pg rating . " quite frankly it's insulting . i don't think aniston is a competent enough actress to carry a movie . she did a decent enough job in ed burns' " she's the one " because it was a smaller and supporting role , and she just doesn't deliver the goods effectively in this movie . her performance was not convincing . unfortunately , as far as romantic comedies go , this movie adds nothing new to the standard formula for these types of movies . the film is similar to " my best friends wedding " in a sense that the leading female character is actually quite vindictive and due her actions , gets no sympathy from me when things go awry . i didn't care for how quickly kate puts down nick's profession by explaining that videotaping weddings wasn't glamorous enough for her co-workers . at least " my best friends wedding " changed the formula a bit and had a somewhat surprise ending . no such luck with " picture perfect " . every plot occurrence can be spotted a mile away , including a couple that really made no sense . after everything kate had done to prove her loyalty to her company , why would she blindly throw it all away when she should have made sure that nick would even talk to her first , let alone consider a relationship ? was quitting her job a prerequisite to making amends with nick ? throw in the fact that i don't think nick and kate spent enough time together to even warrant that rash of a decision . i believe that kate liked him , but liked him so intensely that she was willing to throw her career away ? i doubt it . and what of the ending scene at a wedding where the entire congregation feels it necessary to stop everything and stare at the couple ? are mass groups of people simultaneously that interested in total strangers ? well , i guess of the congregation consists of movie extras and the strangers are the movies two lead stars , then that would make sense . picture perfect directed by glenn gordon caron kate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . jennifer aniston nick . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . jay mohr sam . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . kevin bacon mercer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . kevin dunn darcy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . illeana douglas rita . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . olympia dukakis written by randy turgeon , february 26 , 1998 . visit my movie reviews ! www . xtdl . com/~canran this review contains spoilers , but believe me , i don't say anything you can't guess 10 minutes into the movie . i * did * go into this one with high expectations . i had been exposed to media reports that this film would signify a departure from the slasher flicks . i sort of expected another exorcist or the shining . i even put aside my general rule of not seeing this type of film . boy , was i wrong ! another garbage slasher flick , the only difference being that * this * one has a story ! the story , you ask ? well , a scumball buys a chinese puzzle from a guy in an arab souk . he takes it home , somehow getting it past customs : - ) and starts fiddling with it in his attic . lo and behold , after he takes it apart , three demons appear and start taking him apart , but with meat hooks . when they're finished , his gizzards are hanging from the ceiling . they botch up their cleanup job , however , and manage to leave his heart ( or some gland ; i didn't really recognize the organ ) under a floorboard . the guy's brother and his brother's wife appear at the door soon after , and decide to move in . they throw away scumball's belongings , and set up house . turns out that wife is a bit of a nympho , and screwed around with scumball right before her marriage . she starts having some wild hallucinations . later , hubby spills some blood on the attic floorboards ( slow-mo special effects of the buckets of blood hitting the ground--all from the tiny cut on his hand ) . said blood is eagerly sucked up by scumball's organ . the organ grows into a thing that requires yet more blood in order to complete the regeneration into a really ugly thing . it establishes mind contact with wife , who agrees to help him get more blood , because she really wants to be screwed again . so , she helps him kill three businessmen . scumball , at this time , gradually gets his strength back and grows all his organs back . problem is , he doesn't have any skin , and even after three or four corpses , still doesn't get any skin . he finally gets some , though , but strangely enough , he ends up looking like his brother . guess they couldn't get the original actor back . who knows . scumball ( whose name is frank ) is not a nice guy . he describes his torture by the demons fondly , as the " ultimate pleasure and pain , since at that level there is no difference between the two . " somehow , i don't see getting torn apart by 90 fish- and meat-hooks a lot of fun . this guy is * so * bad ( " how bad * is * he ? " ) , * so * bad that the * rats * cower in a corner in fear . for good reason , too ; he crucifies two of them for fun , and carves a third while the nympho's horsing around with hubby . anyway . hubby's daughter ( who , if course , is not * wife's * daughter ) starts to suspect something is wrong after she sees wife going into the attic with one of her johns and the ensuing screams . the dumb bimbo meets scumball , and is not impressed . she manages to escape with the chinese puzzle , and brings out the demons . at any rate , the demons are pissed off that they screwed up their cleanup ; they're normally quite meticulous about that type of thing . the story boils down to the demons trying to correct their mistake . the demons are not , however , the good guys . the dumb bimbo's the good guy . she somehow not only gets them to take care of frank , but also banishes them to hell or oblivion , we're not too sure which . not too shabby for someone with single-digit iq . this is basically a " bad jinn " story . it is an * awful * movie . awful acting , bad focus in the photography , many scenes of skin being penetrated by meathooks , which is really unrealistic , and looks like the latex that it is . continuity ? who cares . acting ? * terrible * . script ? horrible . sounds canned . unrealistic . story is so-so , but the impact is lost long , long before the film ends . i do think the * rat * acting was quite good . i have never seen rats look afraid . they should get nominated for an award . really good acting there , the best in the movie . " the envelope for best furry rodent , please . . . " a " " rating would be far too generous . a " 1/10 " rating ( or -4 in the -4 to +4 rating system ) is far more accurate . this movie is so bad that people in the audience were laughing , chortling at the bad acting and crummy dialog . i can see this film turning into the next rocky horror picture show . people were getting so fed up they were yelling warnings up to the characters on the screen . had to have something to do . dumb , dumb , dumb movie . i was embarrassed that i spent money to see it . it goes without saying that i disagree with the other reviews on the board that attempt to review the film for itself . lots of slime and red-dyed corn syrup does not constitute " horror , " in my opinion . " have you ever heard the one about a movie so bad that it made a guy run out of the theatre screaming ? " obviously the producers at columbia tristar did not think that we suffered enough from the first installment , and so to finish us utterly , they have now released " urban legends : final cut " . this is another " scream " -like feature , consisting merely from the recycled materials of rip-offs from the most pointless movies of all time . amy ( jennifer morrison ) is a film student who is attending a film school filled with uninspired film students who do not have a clue about what to do . but just as she reaches the halfway mark of her final semester at prestigious university's film program -- where each year's best thesis production takes the coveted hitchcock prize , a virtual one-way ticket to hollywood success -- she has a chance encounter with campus security guard reese ( loretta devine ) , whose tale of a series of murders based on urban legends at another university inspires amy to try her hand at a fictional thriller organized along similar lines . soon enough , fake -- and real -- blood starts to flow , and amy is being chased around by scary killer , while her cast and crew get slain , one by one . is the culprit the original urban legends murderer , just some random psycho , ! a member of the faculty , one of her competitors for the hitchcock , or is there something even more stupid going on ? this is another one of those tiring , pointless teen slasher flicks : neither scary , funny , or interesting . it simply lacks the ability and the story to entertain . the body counts and screams continue to grow , as the weak level of intelligence sinks rapidly . in fact watching films like that after having watched " scary movie " is impossible keeping a serious face . several times i tried to prevent myself from laughing , without succeeding . and then i realized that practically the whole theatre was laughing . it's the same thing that has been told and told and told over and over again as if it was the revelation of the century . how many times must we tolerate the same clich ? s that have haunted the slasher genre since its birth ? it has been so many films about masked killers that most of us have developed an allergy for them . they are the most stupid , meaningless , predictable and soulless films in existence . however , director john ottman manages to make " urban legends : final cut " into one of the worst achievements of this godforsaken genre . what was done with a sense of redemption for past failures and irony in " scream " , ottman takes seriously . for that reason alone , it is worth a look , just to realize how bad a movie can be . it's tough to find comparisons for such an achievement , and we have to dig in ancient history to find a movie that would match its intellect . even movies like " lost in space " and " mission to mars " seem spectacular in its shadow . we have not seen such waste of t ! ime and resources since " showgirls " ( 1995 ) . no matter how hard i tried to find positive elements in this so called production , i came up with nothing , except the way the killer was dressed . here i feel that i have to compliment the costume designers trysha bakker and marie-sylvie deveu , that have wisely replaced the well known scream-mask with a very elegant fencing mask . jennifer morrison ( " stir of echoes " ) is all right , and the other actors' best achievement is keeping a straight face when pronouncing the words from the script . in fact the only thing that is terrifying about this film ( with the exception of its screenplay ) is its portray of film schools . if these graduates will be the directors of the future , then hollywood's golden days are over . rumors are already spreading through the internet that columbia tristar is already developing a third installment . let's just hope and pray that it's just an urban legend . " we are grateful that we have the songs of grace chan to comfort us . " starring lee kang-sheng , yang kuei-mei directed by tsai ming-liang written by tsai and yang ping-ying cinematography by liao peng-jung taiwan , 24/12/99 . the millenium approaches . an incessant downpour batters an unnamed city . sectors of the city are being sealed , quarantined due to the onset of a mysterious virus . the virus causes people to act like insects : they crawl about on all fours , hide from bright lights , huddle in damp corners . the water supply to the quarantined zones will be cut off in a week's time . residents are advised to evacuate the area , asap . this premise--kafka by way of cronenberg--is the background for the hole , which could have been a great movie , but , sadly , ends up as a waste of good ideas . the quick sketch above suggests a dark , absurd , hallucinatory near-future parable of life in the late 20th century ; in execution , however , it is nothing like that . the virus , the evacuation , the visual possiblities of the deluge : these are all relegated to the background . instead , the hole focuses on the lives--for want of a better word--of a man ( lee kang-sheng ) and a woman ( yang kuei-mei ) who live in the same apartment building , and who have no personalities . the entire movie taks place in settings that are uniformly ugly and sterile : the charmless rooms and corridors of a post-industrial apartment complex , photographed to look as dim and dingy as possible . it's a vivid setting , but an unappealing one , especially with the monotonous hiss of falling rain and the gurgle of drainage pipes in the background . the man lives in the apartment directly above the woman's . one day , a repairman investigating a leak leaves a small hole in the floor of the man's living room , opening into the ceiling of the woman's living room . this hole--symbol of the solitary opening in the character's lonely , compartmented lives--allows them to interact in unusual ( and mostly non-verbal ) ways . example : the man , suffering from the onset of the virus ( or so i assume--everything is obscure in this movie ) vomits through the hole . the woman , wandering around in the dark , accidentally puts her hand on his vomit , and then cleans it up . this is what passes for meaningful communication . and they say romance is dead . much of the film does not even focus on their interactions , such as they are . there is almost no dialogue and we learn next to nothing about these people . they are ciphers . instead , we are treated to long takes in which we witness their miserable lives ; we watch , for instance , as the woman boils some water , pours it onto some noodles , then eats the noodles . ( this is as fascinating as it sounds . ) offered as counterpoint--or perhaps relief--to these dreary sequences are a series of musical numbers , fantasies in which the woman lip-synchs to pop songs by grace chan ( popular , so i'm told , in 1950s' china ) . she prances around in grimy hallways and grungy stairwells , incronguously lit by cheerfully bright spotlights . sometimes , in these fantasies , she is joined by the man . these scenes are presumably intended to be bright and fanciful , sharply contrasting the dreariness of reality , but they fail . when the man and the woman dance , it seems half-hearted and listless . astaire and rogers this is not . even in imagination , these people are numb , weary , boring . the hole is part of the 'collection 2000' series , a group of films commissioned by french tv station la sept arte on the subject of the millenium . others include canada's last night , brazil's midnight , and american hal hartley's the book of life . the book of life is the only other one that i have seen , and it is infinitely superior to the taiwanese entry . witty , energetic , humane , it makes the the hole seem ( ahem ) empty . american movies with nothing to say try to disguise their lack of content with flashy movements , quick cuts , superficial emotions . foreign movies with nothing to say do what the hole does : they point the camera at something of minimal interest for unbelievably long periods of time , and call it art . the hole is self-evidently a film about alienation , and perhaps director tsai ming-liang wants the audience to share in his characters' alienation . if so , he succeeds . perhaps it is a challenge : he dares us to enjoy this movie , despite his best attempts to ensure that we don't . if it was a challenge , i wasn't up for it . what happens when you put martin lawrence in a fat suit in real life ? you get martin lawrence in a coma ( the comedian thought he was getting fat , so he put on numerous layers of heavy clothing and went jogging in 100 degree heat , ending up in a coma ) . so what happens when you put martin lawrence in a fat suit in the movies ? you get an audience in a coma . in big momma's house , lawrence plays a fbi agent who's a master of disguises . when a naughty , naughty man escapes from jail and seeks out his former girlfriend ( the very sexy nia long . . . the only thing worth looking at in this movie ) , she flees to georgia to stay with her rather large southern aunt " big momma " ( ella mitchell ) . the fbi follows her in order to recover the large sum of money stolen in the bank robbery that sent the naughty man to jail . however , big momma is called away on an emergency . sensing that they could lose their only chance to capture the criminal , lawrence goes undercover as big momma . and let the comedy begin ! big momma's house is the definition of a " gimmick " movie if there ever was one . the plot can basically be summed up as " martin lawrence dresses up as a fat woman " . . . and even that description is too wordy . you can just see this script plotted out on a chalkboard with martin lawrence/fat woman in the middle of the board with a big circle around it , and all sorts of clich ? d , " humorous " situations pointing to it . fat woman plays basketball ! fat woman takes a dump ! fat woman kung fu ! well they left one off the board . . . movie critic slips into coma ! paul giamatti ( private parts , the negotiator ) plays lawrence's partner and as much as i enjoy his work , even he can't inject life into this lifeless comedy . hell , the greatest performers on the planet couldn't make this material work . . . it's just that awful . blatantly borrowing elements from 1993's " like water for chocolate " and 1991's " the butcher's wife , " " simply irresistible " attempts to be a whimsical romantic comedy but , more often than not , comes off as laughable , leaving you to wonder why rising star sarah michelle gellar ( t . v . 's " buffy , the vampire slayer " ) would choose such an obviously inept film project to waste her time on . things get off to a bad start right from the onset as amanda ( sarah michelle gellar ) , a young woman who runs her late family's struggling new york restaurant , runs into a mystery man who forces a bushel of crabs on her and then vansihes into thin air . while out shopping , she also meets tom ( sean patrick flanery ) , a charming , handsome man , who happens to be planning a ritzy restaurant for the department store he works for , and later when he decides to drop by her dive , called southern cross , for lunch , she somehow makes a delicious crab dish for him , even though she is known to not be a very good chef . suddenly , amanda finds her restaurant , on the edge of foreclosure , rejuvenate to life as customer begin to swarm for her food , which strangely causes everyone immediate jubilation when it hits their mouths . are amanda and tom destined to be together ? and is it not just because of the magical food , but because they really , truly like each other ? and what exactly is going on with the food she is making ? does it have anything to do with that pesky crab she got that sits on the shelf in the kitchen somehow assisting her in her food preparation ? " simply irresistible " is a ridiculous and just plain goofy romantic fantasy that's as flimsy as a slice of bologna . it takes one joke---that people who eat the food are taken aback by it in most unusual ways---and recycles it over and over again until the film has reached an appropriate running time of 95 minutes . add in a music montage every ten minutes ( these are actually the best scenes in the movie , which certainly tells you something about the film itself ) , and what you've got is an utterly empty , if not necessarily boring , excursion . the cast of " simply irresistible " is fairly good , but it is the supporting characters who are the most interesting . patricia clarkson ( 1998's " high art , " in which she played a drugged-out lesbian ) is a standout as tom's colleague , and is thankfully given a few funny lines of dialogue . also of note is larry gilliard jr . , as amanda's cooking assistant and buddy , who is allowed to create a seemingly full character out of only a handful of scenes . of the main stars , sarah michelle gellar is fine , but really does often look like she's struggling through the unmistakably clumsy material , and if sean patrick flanery plans on keeping a film career in the future , he has certainly got to pick better projects than this . the bottom line is that " simply irresistible " is the exact opposite of its deprophesized title , and when the movie got to the point where the characters began to float in mid-air ( an unamusing plot device that was repeated in the stupid last scene ) , my mind checked out from the characters and the romance . when i think about it in hindsight , i should have checked out in the very first scene , where the point of the action was for gellar to crawl under tables looking for a runaway mechanical crab . now , that certainly is what i'd call magical ! i wont even pretend that i have seen the other 3 alien films . i saw glimpses of alien and aliens and fragments of alien 3 , but i have by no means actually sat down and watched any of them . so take my opinion from an unbiased and impartial perspective : alien resurrection is not worth the large bag of lollies i was munching into after a hard days work . i didnt just dislike it so much because the plot was awful ; most of the acting was very average or the special effects got tiresome after 5 minutes of painful viewing  but also the fact that every tedious ingredient thrown in attempts to give this pointless dribble some meaning . sigourney weaver , whos role in alien earned her an academy award nomination , plays the character of ripley ,  who died fighting against extraterrestrial scum in alien 3 . 200 years later , scientists use a sample of blood found at the site of her death to recreate ripley - including the alien that was stuck inside her . in no time they remove the alien from her body and separate the two ; yet ripley is now not completely human , possessing strange amounts of strength and being able to withhold greater pain than a normal being . im sure someone can explain exactly why this is so , but for now well just ignore it and move on . why , you ask , would ripley and the alien inside her be recreated ? well , the smart little lab researchers believed that they would be able to discover many advancements in science from studying the alien creature . these were the same people who said they could control the alien and that their was no danger in their research . they ( yawn ) were wrong . it doesnt take a genius to figure out that the rest of the film is a continuous cat and mouse chase between the humans who die off one by one and the aliens who open their mouths on every possible occasion to show off their frightfully scary un-flossed teeth . theres a little saying that goes something like this : if youre going to make a bad film , do it well .  i have seen plenty of disappointing and underachieving movies , but they are not the ones that really bother me . alien resurrection , a good example of a film that really gets up my nose , is not so much a discouraging experience but an off putting one . there is no way to describe why the australian ma rating was given to this film other than unnecessary and repulsive gore , which attempts to distract us from the wandering-but-not-going-anywhere plot . in one scene my stomach churned as i witnessed a mawkish looking alien put its hand on a characters head and literally ripped most of his face off . another one featured ripley sticking a knife through her hand just to impress someone she was talking to . fair enough if it were in a horror film or even if it bared any significance to the story , but this is unfortunately not the case , and this sort of bizarre gore is inexcusable . if you think im struggling to find one good aspect about the film , then you thought right . one exciting scene is a credit ( and the only part remotely worth seeing ) to the film , in which an alien chases two men ( one a cripple ) up a tall ladder with interesting results . but of course after that thrilling scene alien resurrection had no problem in returning to its pathetically low standard , and ends up crashing into the shores of movie dullness more often than japanese kamikaze jet fighters fall off their skis . so in a film where the one liners come as bad as earth man , what a shit hole and the primary means for one mans strategic attack is to bounce bullets off walls to hit an opponent , its no wonder why alien : resurrection turned out to be as off putting and clumsy as it is . oh , and in case youre wondering about my bag of lollies  the less i enjoy a film , the more i eat . so all the lollies were gone in 15 minutes ; but however empty the bag turned out to be , it was still a long way ahead of the movie synopsis : lifelong friends rafe ( affleck ) and danny ( hartnett ) join the us air force and are stationed at pearl harbor , hawaii . rafe goes to england to fight alongside british pilots and is seemingly killed in action . danny falls in love with rafe's girlfriend , evelyn ( beckinsale ) , but rafe survives and returns to confront his former friend . meanwhile , the japanese sneak attack is imminent . . . review : " pearl harbor " is a perfect example of movies as product rather than as art . it is little more than a crassly-calculated attempt to woo the masses , enticing them with big stars , big effects , and a big setting -- but no heart . it is difficult to criticise the actors , because they do everything the movie demands of them . sadly , this amounts to barely more than reciting dialogue of such sheer banality that it makes one eager to see the script randall wallace wrote with his right hand at the same time as he was writing " pearl harbor " with his left . the plot here is pure cliche , and the wartime setting simply a convenient backdrop . there is no genuine exploration of what pearl harbor meant to the united states , and no insight into its vital role in inciting that country to join world war ii . instead , there is just an assembly-line love triangle , some empty patriotic rhetoric , and a laughable attempt to placate japanese viewers via the inclusion of some reticent imperial commanders ( when one intones , " i fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant " , i nearly fell out of my seat ) . to the movie's credit , it does include a fantastic portrayal of the attack itself , an exciting and dizzying hour which plunges viewers into the war . if only the remaining two hours had been crafted with such skill , perhaps this memorial day non-event would have been worth watching . this is a film that i was inclined to like at the outset : the two main characters had been involved with the fine television drama st . elsewhere for several years , and i had understood that the director/screenwriter had written for the show on occasion also . i am sorry to report that the results were not up to my expectations , nor were they satisfactory . if i had to list a reason why . . . . but that would be getting ahead of myself ; besides , it's not immediately clear , as there are so many problems with the film . adam arkin plays a grade-school teacher who is sardonic , cynical , and somewhat abrasive , but a good teacher . he spends his lunches playing basketball by himself on a nearby court . one day , he meets a drifter ( david morse , who plays jack morrison on st . elsewhere ) in the park , and inveigles him in a game of one-on-one basketball . morse turns out to be good , and a friendship slowly develops between the two , as their respective professions progress on the screen--arkin's teaching , and morse's selling of paper flowers to passing motorists . so far , my major complaint would be the lack of dialogue , and the constant intrusion of the musical soundtrack . good music to be sure , but it doesn't replace the dialogue for setting the mood or telling the story--it makes the film somewhat minimalistic , a technique i rarely admire . suddenly their friendship is interrupted by morse's introduction to a fellow teacher of arkin's , a woman arkin has long admired from afar , but it too reticent to approach . it appears that she begins to admire morse ( who enjoys here attentions , but isn't sure what to do about it--she doesn't realize that he is a drifter , and knows nothing about his past ) , and this causes friction between arkin and almost everyone else . until then , i had only a vague dissatisfaction with the film . the conclusion is where it begins to evolve into a full-fledged failure . the woman , at least to me , appeared to be fairly shallow ; i didn't realize how shallow until her final scene with arkin , where she reveals that she has been trying to make arkin jealous by her attentions to morse . somehow , this is made to appear as if it is arkin's fault , and it is left with him feeling somehow victorious that he's gotten such a find of girlfriend . frankly , dropping her on the spot would have seemed the most civilized action arkin could make ; punching her in the mouth not the least . after this , the childish confrontation between morse and arkin at the end seems almost natural . if i had to summarize a major gripe , it's that this is a story spread too thin , that creates semi-likable characters at the outset , and then suddenly jerks them into being 16-year-olds at the last moment . it might be true-to-life with some people ; but that doesn't mean * i * have to like it . i don't . . avoid . i love movies . i really do . every time i watch great movies like goodfellas ( 1990 ) or raiders of the lost ark ( 1981 ) , a tear comes to my eye due to the awesome talent , skill and entertainment that is on display . even lower grade films such as the naked gun 33 1/3 ( 1994 ) or ghostbusters ii ( 1988 ) while not exactly brilliantly well made , are certainly not a waste of celluloid and present entertainment value . then there's my favourite martian , the exact opposite of what a movie should be : a hurried , poorly written and acted movie with one goal , to make money . disney , ever since the lion king ( 1994 ) have lost their magic touch , but this dross just shows how far disney have sunk . christopher lloyd plays a martian who crash lands in front of t . v reporter's tim o'hara car ( daniels ) , and soon tim finds the martian in his home , trying to recover and fix his spaceship . along with his 'zoot' spacesuit , voiced by wayne knight , must fix his spaceship before it explodes , and also try to stop his identity being revealed to the public , firstly by o'hara , but later by rival t . v presenter brace channing ( hurley ) , by calling himself tim's 'uncle martin . ' 'laughter' is supposed to arise from the 'comical' events , but never does . many bad films have good intentions , but my favourite martian doesn't appear to try to provide any entertainment . filled to the brim with wham bang special effects , my favourite martian offers little more than some nice eye candy . christopher lloyd mugs his way through the entire movie , i've never seen a man pull a face for 93 minutes until now . jeff daniels plays 'staple nice guy' and his role is useless . his performance is incredibly lazy , although his paperthin character doesn't deserve more than the performance he gives . darryl hannah looks as pretty as ever , but her role is somewhat , erm , limited . hurley mistakes 'acting' for 'shouting and looking like a twit' and wins the david wilcock award for 'most irritating , godawful performance in a moving picture . ' way to go liz ! for the supporting cast , disney manage to assemble every character actor out there , during the film i was going 'he was the guy in . . . ah . . er . . . ' before finally giving up and switching off . another major setback is the staple 'comedy sidekick . ' unfortunately , the writers ( sherri stoner and deanna oliver , if anyone cares ) forget that a comedy sidekick needs to be 'funny . ' instead , they deliver zoot , the martians deeply unfunny sidekick . although meant to be a manic character no doubt , every line that comes out of his 'neck' is a dud . a real dud . citizen kane delivers more laughs a minute than his hell spawn piece of polyester . even the kids in the audience were insulted by this character : not one child even bothered to smirk . it's a nice special effect , though . another problems with this comedy are the gags themselves . or rather , the lack of them . my favourite martian reaches a new level of toilet humour : it goes past the bowl , down the pipe and into the sewer . now , toilet humour can be funny , as dumb and dumber ( 1994 ) humorously showed . but here , characters farting , belching and almost getting crapped on ( literally ) is not 'amusing . ' it's insulting . there's one good gag right before the credits , but it appears the guy who wrote that gag tragically died and his unfunny twin continued . either that , or they were hoping that easy to please six year olds wouldn't mind the fact that his movie is beaten by men at work in the funny stakes . yes , men at work . yowza ! the fact that a lot of money was pumped into this film , and that they actually got people to agree to be in this film just depresses me even more . there are thousands of brilliant films out there that can't get distribution , yet trash like this gets released nation-wide with ease . thankfully , as soon as it makes it's money , it will never be seen again , and my favourite martian will end up where the two lead characters do near the end of the movie : down the toilet . i looked at the " internet movie database " 's awards section for this film , and found that this was nominated for a golden globe for " best picture ( drama ) . " anyone who's seen this film can back me up on this : this is the worst of the " great " disaster films , and that's not really saying a lot for this film . " earthquake " is basically notable because it originally included some theatre thing where the theatre shook when the big earthquake occured . on video , it's a bland and slow-moving film which gives us a bunch of different characters ( the disaster film requisite ) , then brings them together in the struggle against the big disaster . while this worked in , say , " the towering inferno , " it doesn't here for one single reason : we don't care about any of the characters . the film gives us charlton heston ( in one of many crap 70s films he made , including " skyjacked " and that classic , " soylent green " ) as a rich man married to ava gardner , who is having a little affair with a young single mom ( genieveve bujold ) ; a renegade police officer on suspension ( george kennedy , in his least humored performance ) ; in the second weirdest subplot , a motorcycle stuntman ( richard roundtree , right after his " shaft " thing ) whose big stunt is he goes on a little track that goes upside down ( yea , snore ) ; and the weirdest subplot : a military man/bag boy at a grocery store who has a little thing for buxom victoria principal , and eventually gets vengeance on those guys who made fun of his hair ( ! ! ! ) . in smaller subplots , there's a pointless bit about people who are flying over l . a . ( the city in the film , by the way ) , one who's playing cards and married to a boring non-acting husband ( you think this one can go nowhere ? guess again . he gets interested in the final frames ) ; there's genieveve bujold's moron son , who has a little adventure with wires ; and for some much-needed comedy , there's walter matthau ( billed as walter mutha . . . . - the only laugh in the film ) , as a wild drunkard , who's big moment is a dance he does at a critical time . as for the actual " earthquake , " it's rather a let-down . there's a full hour of character-setups , none of which is interesting , then about 10 minutes of shaking , crumbling , and a bit where a house almost falls on bujold ( narrowly missing ) . this film needed that whole theatre-shaking : they needed to wake everybody up because they were so bored . there's little suspense following the quake , although this film tries for it . there's an adventure in a crumbling high-rise office building , the wires with the kid , and the movement of people who are all injured . but none of these are all-too suspenseful . the finale with the heston/gardner/bujold love triangle is ended in a basic flip-of-the-coin bit , which brings out a big let-down . and there's no real finale . even " volcano " ended nicely , and that movie really sucked . not only is it hokey , but you don't care about any character . who cares if heston dies ? who cares if he choses bujold or gardner ( although i would have chosen gardner , mainly on the basis that she can actually act ) ? who cares if richard roundtree makes money on his stupid " stunt ? " who cares if that idiot kid falls to his death on some wires ? and who cares about that whole plane spiel ? if anything , " earthquake " is worth a viewing for the same reason " glen or glenda ? " is . i mean , i laughed at this more than i did at " bio dome . " but that's another story ( and review ) . in short , " earthquake " gives disaster pics a bad name . the formula is simple . trap a varied group of people on an isolated location , then pop in a seemingly unstoppable monster to kill them one by one . these have been the successful ingredients for many good films ( the thing , alien , aliens , and tremors to name a few ) . so , why is it that so many films following this recipe end up pathetically bad ? ( see the relic for a particularly putrid example . ) perhaps it is simply too easy to forget the necessary binding ingredient : effort and ideas . deep rising meets these two requirements part way , but not enough to salvage the film . treat williams is finnegan , the leader of a small boat crew who hire out their services ( and their boat ) for any activity . . . no questions asked . this time , however , they may have gone too far . their passengers , led by the ominous wes studi , are the type of multi-national terrorist squads usually only seen in die hard films . and their cargo . . . let's just say it has very high explosive potential . what is the target of these thieves ? why , the argonauticus , of course , a high tech luxury cruise yacht on its maiden voyage . but something else is hunting the argonauticus . . . something ancient and deadly . by the time the thieves arrive , nearly everyone on board the ship has been killed . and now the creature senses fresh meat ! so , you have the thieves and their mercenary boat crew , joining forces with the surviving passengers ( including the ship owner canton ( anthony heald ) , and a thief with less lofty goals , trillian ( famke janssen ) ) against the terror from the deep . and the monster gets to pick them off one by one . fortunately for the creature , this particular band of criminals happens to be the dumbest the world can offer . why else would they indulge in petty squabbling while they watch their friends become fish food . if there's a more clarion call for unity , i don't know what it might be . it's pretty easy to guess who will get killed off when . there are no surprises in that the most interesting characters seem to last until the end . for the most part , the watery tentacles seem to be acting on the audience's impulses to get rid of the most boring characters first . ( although i wonder if the filmmakers might have extended djimon hounsou's life a bit if they knew this would be released so soon after his acclaim for amistad . ) treat williams is a passable hero , and famke janssen does her best julia roberts impersonation . but while wes studi and anthony heald are particularly slimy , very little of the rest of the company stand out in any way . the biggest treat in the film , however , has to be pantucci , kevin j . o'connor's whining engine-boy , under finnegan's employ . his constant quips may be a bit over-written , but they manage to capture the same vein of nerve-addled humor that bill paxton delivered as hudson in aliens ( or todd graff as hippie in the abyss , for that matter ) . it's just a stock part ( the comic-relief character ) , but it almost makes this tired alien clone bearable . as far as the monster goes , although the cgi is done well , the creature has no logical consistency . think back to the great ( or even just good ) movie monsters . they all had a set of " rules " about what they could do , and how and why they would do it . part of the joy of those films was slowly discovering , along with the heroes , just what those rules are . the tentacle monster in deep rising doesn't have a set of rules . . . or if it does , not a very good one . it merely eats ( or drinks , as the case may be ) , and there is no rhyme or reason for what it does in order to do so . the film never explains why the argonauticus is attacked in the first place . it simply happens . the action scenes are decent , but few are noteworthy . the film definitely does suffer from its proximity to titanic . deep rising's peril in the water scenes pale next to cameron's ( but can you really blame them ) . unfortunately , deep rising's efforts are more on par with speed 2 . on the plus side , however , the film's closing image shows some promise for a potentially interesting ( but unlikely ) sequel . perhaps you'd be better off waiting for that one . the thirteenth floor is a bland , obligatory exercise in genre film-making . if i hadn't recently watched the matrix and open your eyes -- both of which are similar but far superior -- i might have been a little nicer to this picture . craig bierko makes an adequate hero as douglas hall , the rich co-creator of a perfect human world simulation who is suddenly blamed for the murder of his boss ( armin mueller-stahl ) . everything that was subtle and smart about the previously mentioned films is battered over our heads in this one , and characters stare at each other for maddeningly-long periods of time and refuse to communicate on any realistic level . the acting is okay , but the film suffers from every logical flaw one could think of , and features a script ( co-penned by director josef rusnak ) loaded with cliches and stock characters . there are individual scenes and ideas that work -- i like the thought of a sentient computer program -- but none of the film's strengths are recognized to any meaningful degree . producer roland emmerich , based on this and his previous directorial efforts , seems hell-bent on bringing us the ultimate standard in mediocre science-fiction . my giant begins with a monologue that's more funny than not and a distinctive `princess bride , ' medieval fairy-tale-in-the- ? 90s feel . i was pleasantly surprised how sharp the comedy was , with very funny scenes occurring on a movie set in romania where talent agent sammy ( billy crystal ) is visiting a client and in the monastery where sammy ends up after being mysteriously saved when he accidentally plunges his car into a stream . and when sammy meets max , his giant , mysterious savior played by gheorghe muresan , there is magic in the air ; albeit it a bit goofy , i loved every minute of it . the film , of course , plays on the size difference between the two , and at times you would almost swear it must be special effects . i particularly enjoyed a shot of sammy dangling his legs from a max-sized chair as the two face each over an enormous table and eat from oversized bowls and spoons . i also liked jere burns' ( from tv's `something so right' ) performance as the director of the film in romania . at this point , the primary flaw in the film is that gheorghe muresan is incredibly hard to understand , particularly during his fast-paced first scene . it is unfortunate that the script required him to speak quickly right out of the gate , as i did understand him more as the film continued and i became accustomed to his speech . however , about the time muresan becomes coherent , the characters head to new york and the film takes a dive . off the high board . suddenly , we are expected to believe sammy is a do-whatever-it-takes slime ball . up until this point he was pursuing his own interests to be sure , but he didn't come off as a desperate jerk . if he had , the first scenes could never have been so lighthearted and magical . but now , in new york , we are further introduced to his neglected wife and son , and his character is desperate enough to involve max in a disturbing giant vs . midgets wrestling match , which i found quite unpleasant and jarring within the framework of the film . indeed , many scenes stuck out of this film like incorrectly placed puzzle pieces . this includes the scenes featuring steven seagal , when sammy gets max a role in a big , hollywood movie filming in las vegas . while i enjoyed seeing seagal poke fun at himself , the scenes appeared to exist solely because of his participation , rather than because the film demanded it . and the audience is required to take a huge leap to believe that max would win the role based on his quotations of shakespeare . at this point i found myself thinking , `we're supposed to believe that someone would cast this guy in a film ? ' then i realized he was , and i was watching it . in the final third , the film undergoes another transformation , this time to unbridled sentimentality . note : major plot points are revealed in this and the final paragraph . max went to america because sammy promised to reunited him with his childhood love , lillianna , who hasn't seen him since he was a normal-sized kid . her refusal to see max ( unbeknownst to him ) leads us to an awkward `ends justify the means' scene as sammy's wife serena , played nicely by kathleen quinlan , poses as lillianna . i found this scene offensive . not only did it rely on deception to induce warm , fuzzy feelings from the audience , it reduced max to someone we should pity and coddle , which i thought was quite undeserved . i think max could have handled the truth , gratuitous illness and all . late in the film we learn max , and in fact all giants , have a heart condition which shortens their lives considerably . this could be an enlightening revelation , but the film seemingly presents it only to justify sammy's transformation into a caring , sensitive guy -- and hey , a great dad and husband , too ! `my giant' suffers from a poorly constructed story line and undeveloped characters whose actions are determined by plot points rather than their own internal persuasions . a stronger story with more room for character growth might have been possible if the focus was on max's struggle to be accepted and cast in movies instead of sammy's struggles to get money and become a better person . in this scenario , max's illness could have been a integral part of the film not a story motivator . sentiment and emotion would have followed naturally . instead , we're apparently not supposed to like sammy until the end , but we're not allowed to focus on max . crystal and muresan give adequate and at times enjoyable performances , but in the end , `my giant' left me feeling like i'd been fed gruel from a giant spoon . alexandre dumas meets hong kong action with newcomer justin chambers reprising the oft-played character of dashing swordsman d'artagnon in director peter hyam's adventure " the musketeer . " for some reason that i may figure out later , i don't know why the time , money and effort were put into the making of " the musketeer . " it may be that someone had the clever idea of combining the dumas characters and story with the current enamor with the action work of hong kong imports like this film's xin-xin xiong ( " once upon a time in china " ) and yuen woo-ping from " crouching tiger , hidden dragon . " the result is a mix of genres that don't mesh well . elements of the ritz brothers-style comedy ( for those few who remember that comedic troupe from the 1939 " the three musketeers " ) , the man with no name from " a fistful of dollars " ( d'artagnan demands that the bad guys apologize to his horse in a direct ref to the clint eastwood spaghetti western ) and hong kong action choreography are all utilized in the original script by gene quintano . the result is an action flick that bears little resemblance to its source material while it makes contemporary that material in an effort to grab the " matrix " crowd . alexandre dumas may well be rolling in his grave if he knows what was done to his classic oeuvre and characters . the real problem with the " the musketeer " lies in the casting of the two lead , romantically intertwined characters , d'artagnan and francesca ( mena suvari ) . chambers has the boyishly handsome good looks for the character , a la chris o'donnell , but lacks any onscreen charisma . suvari has the doe-eyed , pretty looks as the chambermaid who has the ear of the queen , but she , too , does not have the chemistry to command the screen . if " the musketeer " makes them any money , they should invest in acting lessons . stronger performers may have helped to raise the bar on this one . the supporting cast is , on the surface , impressive . catherine denueve plays the queen of france and lends her character an air of royalty , dignity and humor , especially when she plays off of d'artagnan's mentor , planchet ( jean-pierre castaldi , who reminds of andre the giant in " the princess bride ) . stephen rea looks good in the part of the conniving usurper cardinal richelieu , but is given very little to help flesh out his character . tim roth is the kind of bad guy you love to hate as the cardinal's chief henchman , febre . he is so bad he makes simon legree look like a boy scout . the rest of the players , particularly the three musketeers aramis ( nick moran , " lock , stock and two smoking barrels " ) , porthos ( steve spiers ) and athos ( jan gregor kremp ) , are background fodder whose role is to come to d'artagnan's aid when needed . peter hyam's does double duty as director and cinematography and may be too stretched to do both well . a stronger hand at the helm could have helped the mediocre performances of the leads and better utilized his veteran thesps . photography is straightforward action fare that goes through all the appropriate action flick motions - d'artagnan takes on a tavern full of thugs and bests them single-handed ; he fights a gang of febre's henchmen aboard a speeding coach to protect the queen ( with the obligatory branches hanging over the road ) ; he goes one on one with his lifelong enemy , febre , who murdered d'artagnan's folks years before . it is all routine stuff . the renowned wire work developed by the hong kong action masters is used to artificial effect as the players leap , defying gravity , up walls and from horse to horse . it works in a sci-fi film like " the matrix " or in a classical fantasy like " crouching tiger , hidden dragon " but just calls attention to itself in " the musketeer . " at one point i could swear i saw the stunt wire being used . it did not make me a believer and i am very disappointed . with a run time of 106 minutes it should have been more like 80 and i give it a d . i think maybe it's time for the batman series to be put to rest . not only has the first two films' unsettling insight into what it would really take for someone to make himself into a " superhero " been abandoned , but this one throws any lingering realism out the window and goes for all-out camp with few traces of the self-mocking restraint of the relatively light-hearted third installment . let me give you an example : in the first scene of the movie , batman ( george clooney ) and robin ( chris o'donnell ) are summoned to a museum that has been literally turned to ice by mr . freeze ( arnold schwarzenegger ) in an attempt to steal a diamond . mr . freeze's thugs are armed with none other than hockey sticks , but this is no problem for our heroes : automatic skates shoot out of their shoes , at which point robin manages to get hold of a hockey stick , grabs the diamond , and stick-handles it through the museum . i might have expected this from an airplane-style farce , but i don't think that's what this movie is supposed to be . after all , the previous three batman movies were actually fairly realistic by the standards of the superhero/action genre and kept the corny death-defying stunts to a minimum , while playing the obligatory cheesiness with at least some amount of irony . not any more ; the list goes on and on in this one . robin holds onto the outside of a flying rocket ship 30 , 000 feet high in the atmosphere , climbing in the door to save batman . mr . freeze and poison ivy ( uma thurman ) leap from a skyscraper and survive by landing in a small pond . a world dominating mad scientist lives in a fortress that seems to have been stolen from the old he-man cartoons . my very favorite example is the scene in which batgirl ( alicia silverstone ) gets in a race with motorcycle thugs , during which they come up with the clever notion of dousing the road with gasoline and setting it on fire to distract her . not bad , but wouldn't the police ( or maybe batman ? ) notice if the road was on fire ? i knew gotham city was this crazy anarchic place , but . . . . it also seems that the creators of the batman movies are obeying some unwritten rule that there have to be more main characters and plot lines in each successive installment . as if three protagonists and two villains weren't enough , batman and robin further weighs itself down with an underdeveloped side story of the failing health of bruce wayne's butler alfred ( michael gough ) , which might have seemed poignant if it wasn't surrounded by so much silliness , as well as several scenes with elle macpherson as bruce's girlfriend which serve no purpose other than to remind us that she is in the movie . all this might be semi-excusable if the story were interesting and entertaining , but it isn't . in fact , it's kind of boring . mr . freeze and poison ivy pale in comparison as villains to past baddies such as jack nicholson's joker and danny devito's penguin . their evil plot is as predictable ( schwarzenegger actually pronounces the words , " today gotham city , tomorrow the world ! " ) as it is lame-brained ( didn't it ever occur to poison ivy that freezing the entire world would kill her precious plants too ? ) . and robin's constant challenging of batman mostly just makes him look bull-headed and stupid and makes us wonder why batman ever would have taken him on as a partner in the first place . strip away the stars , the fancy set design , and the status as a " batman movie , " and all you have here is another barely passable summer action flick . in my opinion , a movie reviewer's most important task is to offer an explanation for his opinion . but with soul survivors , i'm so full of critical rage that this review is liable to turn into a venomous , uncontrollable rant , obligations damned . however , protocol forces me to do otherwise . soul survivors tells the story of four college-bound friends : cassandra ( melissa sagemiller ) is sweet and innocent . party girl annabel ( eliza dushku of bring it on ) is dating world-weary harvard student matt ( wes bentley ) . matt still has feelings for cassie , who is now dating sean ( casey affleck ) . driving back from a creepy , gothic party , the quartet gets into a horrific car crash . sean dies , leaving cassie crestfallen and guilty , made worse because sean saw matt kiss cassie just minutes after sean revealed his love for her . as cassie mopes through her classes , she sees the ghost of sean all over the place , urging her to follow him . along with being plagued by other ghastly visions , cassie is also followed by thugs from that strange party . annabel and matt try calming her down , but no one shares cass's visions . she has to figure out this purgatory all by herself . rarely have i seen a director so thoroughly mishandle material . in his directorial debut , steve carpenter does nothing to provoke the audience into feeling any emotion . when the movie's camerawork isn't pedestrian , it's clich ? d . carpenter's need for close-ups , his camera following sagemiller from behind , drain the movie of any anticipation . we already know what to look for , so why should we be surprised ? and the sense of scary atmosphere , which was recently done so well in the others , is nowhere to be found here . carpenter's script relies on random twists and turns with a minimum of logic and loads of laziness . this is a movie where the ending features one character providing an explanation about the plot to another character , which is one of the lamest screenwriting devices around . the second lamest device , of course , is the , " oh , it was all a dream " resolution . and guess what ? this movie has both ! not that the main body of the film , which has sagemiller constantly running in fear or having a nervous breakdown , is anything worthwhile . since there's no captivating dialogue , no character chemistry exists anywhere . that's a huge problem , since the four main characters are supposed to be couples . carpenter can't even get the smutty scenes right , which are becoming more prevalent in pg-13 movies like bring it on and get over it . [the film was recently re-cut from an r rating to get more kids in the seats . -ed . ] when sagemiller and dushku dance together at a club , he rarely shows them in a full shot and he never keeps the camera on them for longer than a second before relating to some michael bay-style quick cuts . and when sagemiller and dushku take a shower together after getting covered in paint , they're fully clothed . regardless , any sexiness in that scene is undercut by its stupidity . why wouldn't they wash the clothes in the sink or in the washing machine ? why would they shower in their clothes ? what if they weren't covered in latex paint ? the cast , which will see better material in the future , would be wise to leave this one off their resumes . i felt sorry for affleck , who i've liked in other movies , and bentley , who was great in american beauty . dushku , who possesses an alluring femme fetale quality , has got to stop taking roles belonging to rose mcgowan . as for sagemiller ( star of the aforementioned get over it ) , i want to see her in a movie where she plays a person , and not an object for gawking . and i'm not even getting into luke wilson's role as a priest . at least he's friends with wes anderson . bottom line : soul survivors is so awful i feel compelled to knock on doors and warn people about it . reading the cast and director for the new mobster comedy , " analyze this , " i asked myself , " how could this miss ? " robert de niro ( " taxi driver , " " raging bull " ) , billy crystal ( " city slickers " ) , lisa kudrow ( " the opposite of sex " ) , and director harold ramis ( " national lampoon's vacation " ) . these are usually reliable filmmakers ( well , okay , crystal has been in a sizable slump lately ) , and tellingly , the first half-hour of " analyze this " was very funny . unfortunately , as the running time ticked away , i began to think that the first thirty minutes had , unbeknownst to me , been rewound and were being replayed another two-and-a-half times . the film has obtained a clever premise , but does not have any idea what to do with it as it progressively becomes more and more repetitive until i finally stopped enjoying or caring about what was happening on the screen . middle-aged psychoanalyst ben sobel's ( billy crystal ) life is finally going very well . although he has never gotten along with his own uncaring parents , especially his father , who is also a psychiatrist , ben has an easy-going teenage son ( kyle sabihy ) and is about to travel down to miami to get married to his tv news reporter girlfriend , laura ( lisa kudrow ) . in little but a flash , however , ben suddenly sees his plans ruined when he accidentally hits the car of the mob and subsequently gets paid a visit from famed mafia guy paul vitti ( robert de niro ) , who desperately wants counseling , even though he himself won't even admit to having anxiety attacks . ben tries to help paul , mostly so he will get him off his back , but the plot gets more complicated when paul follows ben to his wedding , which ends with a man dropping eight stories to his death . it seems to ben that no matter what he does , paul vitti will not go away , and the more they become involved , the more ben's potentially happy life gets into danger . " analyze this " has a few laughs sprinkled throughout ( mostly in the first half ) , but i always had the nagging thought that what director ramis and writers peter tolan , ramis , and kenneth lonergan had done was thought of one joke ( robert de niro lightly spoofing his serious past mafia roles , while terrorizing and becoming buddies with comic billy crystal ) and then tiresomely recycled it for the duration of the 106-minute running time . admittedly , de niro is very funny here ( and i can't remember the last time you could use that adjective to describe him ) , and crystal is in top-form , but the whole movie is weighed down directly on their shoulders with nothing else to support them , including a substantial plotline . since " analyze this " bills not one , not two , but three writers , you'd think that they would have been able to work together to fix the noticably large flaws , but they must have all been on auto-pilot . one of the most disappointing and wasted opportunities in the film is the way the movie deals with the supporting characters , all of which have next to nothing to do and aren't even given multi-dimensional characters to attempt to develop . coming off of her oscar-caliber work in two of last year's best films , " clockwatchers " and " the opposite of sex , " lisa kudrow's throwaway " girlfriend " role is an incredible step down . sure , kudrow's fellow " friend " jennifer aniston did the same thing two weeks ago in " office space , " but at least we got to spend a little time with aniston . kudrow , meanwhile , mostly just stands around , no doubt wondering why she agreed to appear in this film in the first place . chazz palminteri , as rival gangster primo , fares even worse , in a role that plays more like an afterthought than an actual character . finally , molly shannon ( rising film star and cast member on " saturday night live " ) has a rousingly hilarious one-scene cameo right at the beginning as one of crystal's patients and then completely disappears . too bad , considering that the supporting actors surely have proven that they have the abilities to support de niro and crystal . once " analyze this " approached its second wedding scene leaving kudrow's laura standing alone at the altar once again , i had become thoroughly annoyed by where the story had gone , and had mostly lost respect for the character we were supposed to sympathize with the most , ben . afterwards , the climactic scene with ben posing as a fellow mob boss in place of the depressed paul , became a real laugh-free dead-zone , losing its last remaining comic punches . " analyze this " proves that talent can certainly help any film out , but when the written material isn't up to their level , what we are virtually left with is a vacuum of thin air . as we see the terrible events that unfold before our eyes in the middle east at the moment , hollywood doesn't loose the oppertunity to get involved , by telling stories and expressing opinions . this film centers on a relationship forged throughout the adult lifetimes of two marine colonels , hays hodges ( tommy lee jones ) and terry childers ( samuel l . jackson ) . they fought side by side in vietnam , where childers saved hodges' life by shooting an unarmed pow . that's against the rules of war but understandable , in this story anyway , under the specific circumstances . certainly hodges is not complaining . years pass . hodges , whose wounds make him unfit for action , gets a law degree and becomes a marine lawyer . childers , is now a respected and much-decorated hero that has served his country with his life and sould . because of his excellent record , childers is sent to yemen to rescue the american ambassador ( ben kingsley ) , cowering in the embassy under assault from violent demonstrators and snipers blasting from rooftops . childers does what he has to do : evacuate the family and protect the men under his command . after three marines die and the colonel thinks he sees ground fire , he orders his troops to shoot into the firing crowd . more than 80 yemeni men , women , and children are mowed down . childers is immediately accused of ordering his men to fire on a crowd and murder of unarmed civilians . he persuades his old friend hodges to represent him in the courtroom drama that occupies the second half of the film . did childers violate authorized u . s . military rules of engagement ? or are there simply no rules in war ? the answers to these stereotypical questions are obvious , but the inconsistent plot immediately raises all sorts of other questions . the murder of 83 " innocent civilians " has to result into something greater than a simple trial in the u . s . where is the accusations from the arab leaders ? where is the u . n . ? the film ends without even telling the most interesting story : what happens on the international arena ? this film ( in a way akin to films such as " a few good men " ) has already been accused of breaking the rules of morality and ethics and even of racism . these accusations are pretty heavy , but also unfair . what director william friedklin truly broke was the rules of decent filmmaking . one of the earliest apparent problems with 'rules of engagement' is its lack of credibility . the entire operation in yemen may remind us about what happens in the middle east right now , but is overdone , contrived and unrealistic - as if a chain of events had to happen in a particular manner in order for the plot to proceed . a lot of it is so cheesy that no one could possibly accept it as reality . that is precisely why it's not offensive . it is completely unobjective . many stories are started and never finished . many questions are asked , but never answered . a lot of parallels are referring to nothing . it seems that neither the director , producers or the screenwriter can make up their minds about the contents of their film . is it about arab mentality ? america's foreign policies ? america's role in the world ? corruption in the higher circles ? it goes on and on . it consists of countless stories , but not a definable plot . it tries to be everything for everyone and ends up being nothing for no one . i think that it is ironic , because director william friedkin's probably most acclaimed film was " the exorcist " which had a silly story , but became a rather effective film . in this case you have a strong story with many possibilities and the result is a silly film . though several scenes bare the mark of professionalism ( such as the impressive battle scenes ) , his latest film does simply not engage . i believe that friedklin is a director that is absolutely depended on great scripts and talented producers in order to succeed . it's obvious that he has neither and the result is therefore a catastrophe . the characters feel designed , unreal , merely shadows , with no life outside the conflict . even the actors can not save this film from going under . though both jackson and jones act admirably , with performances that are as good as you get with a script like this , it is not something that these great actors can boast of . they have roles that they could play blindfolded with their hand on the back . jackson is gray and jones uninteresting . the rest of the cast , including ben kingsly , blair underwood and guy pearce are simply waiting for their paychecks . the time has come for the verdict . on the charges of complete lack of objectivity , i find this film guilty . on the charges of breaking the rules of reasonable filmmaking , i find it guilty . but on the charges of racism i find this film not guilty , because of it's inconclusive and often silly plot that lacks objectivity everywhere , not only when concerning the arab population . i must admit that the film is dangerously near the line of being racially offensive and i do think that screenwriter stephen gaghan went a bit too far , portraying the yemeni people almost as stereotypical hollywood bad-guys . this is very sad , since in a time like this it is crucial to not lose objectivity and proclaim the truth . however , it is absolutely necessary to remember that the muslim terrorists are responsible for most of the terrorist activity in and outside the united states . and that it's not a coincidence that u . s . residents in the middle east , including yemen are on constant maximum alert . from dusk till dawn ( director/editor : robert rodriguez ; screenwriters : quentin tarantino/robert kurtzman ( story ) ; cinematographer : guillermo navarro ; cast : quentin tarantino ( richie gecko ) , george clooney ( seth gecko ) , juliette lewis ( kate fuller ) , harvey keitel ( jacob fuller ) , ernest liu ( scott fuller ) , salma hayek ( santanico pandemonium ) , tom savini ( sex machine ) , fred williamson ( frost ) , cheech marin ( border guard/chet pussy/carlos ) , michael parks ( texas ranger ) , brenda hillhouse ( hostage gloria ) ; runtime : 108 ; dimension films ; 1996 ) reviewed by dennis schwartz it's a love it or hate it film . i simply hated it . on its menu for fun , is a violent feast served up as charm and done in a tongue-and-cheek manner . it's a serial killer/horror film farce of nonstop over-the-top action and sleaze , involving decapitations , vampires , biker fights , extended gun play , and an array of gore that has to be seen to be believed . a film that regales in its vulgarity and campiness for blood-and-gore , as it goes out of its way to gloss over the clich ? s of the conventional b-films . it's geared only for the cult film crowd , and will make its mark there one way or the other . the plot involves two psychopath brothers , the older professional bank robber and killer seth gecko ( clooney ) and the perverted psychopath killer , richie ( tarantino ) , who kills for pleasure and is also a rapist . they escape jail and go on a killing spree in wichita and then flee to a liquor store in a small texas border town . they have just robbed a bank and killed a number of cops , they have also taken a middle-aged bank teller as a hostage . in the liquor store they kill a texas ranger and the store clerk , and burn down the store . stopping off in a flop-house motel , richie rapes and slaughters the hostage . these scenes are all done with an eye for comedy and parody , if that's possible . on the tv news , it says they have killed 16 so far and most are texas rangers . the brothers plan to get to mexico and meet carlos ( cheech ) , who will give them a place of sanctuary for thirty percent of their illegal take . with road blocks and car searches at the border , the brothers commandeer a motor home of a vacationing family who stopped at their motel so that the father could sleep in a real bed . there is the father , jacob fuller ( keitel ) , who just resigned as a minister because he lost faith ever since his wife died in a car accident ; his sexy 20-year-old , innocent daughter , kate ( lewis ) ; and , her shy brother scott ( liu ) . it's not explained how he happens to be chinese . the story really becomes bizarre when they get across the border and get ready to meet carlos in a bar/whorehouse for truckers and bikers called the titty twister . the place is open from dawn to dusk , thus the film's title . here's where rodriguez has a chance to throw convention out the window and have some absurd fun , as the place turns out to be a vampire hangout . it sells sex to its patrons , and has exotic stripper santanico pandemonium ( hayek ) do her alluring strip before turning into a vampire . the brothers and their hostages have to fight their way out of the place , as the vampires keep coming and the killings become the film's staple . this supposedly clever script did nothing but turn me off , though there were a few funny moments in a film that was dripping with special effects and spent most of its script in finding novel ways to showcase its killings . i'll take a pass on this one , it's just not my style of a film . the characters were as empty as the story , and the film was an easy one to forget . plot : a little boy born in east germany ( named hansel ) loves the american music . one day , he gets the opportunity to meet and marry an american g . i . , but first , he must get a sex change ( enter hedwig ) . once married , the two move to the states , but quickly thereafter , get a divorce . at that point , hedwig starts writing music and meets another confused boy , who soon turns into a star . that boy also turns his back on hedwig , and it isn't long before hedwig puts together his/her own band and tours the states via seafood restaurants . this is the story of his/her life , told via flashbacks and musical numbers . critique : an artsy-fartsy musical with great songs and a superb performance by john cameron mitchell , doesn't really come together as a whole , with over-the-top symbolism , incoherence and too much pretension to retain my interest all the whole way through . in fact , this isn't so much of a realistic , articulate , behind-the-scenes look at the rise of a rock 'n roll star , as it is an ambiguous , overly poetic and incomprehensible struggle of a man , his sexuality and his identity as a whole person on this planet . i guess that i was expecting the former going in . the film is somewhat interesting to a point , but i was personally never able to involve myself too much , as the basic symbolic and incongruent nature of the film left me feeling cold and distant . but it is definitely tuned to a certain type of audience . chances are that if you are a fan of the wall , the rocky horror picture show or even priscilla , queen of the desert , the elements tangled in this movie will likely strike your fancy ( some of the characters in this film even ask the audience to sing along at some point , and provide the lyrics of their song , on-screen ) . well , i personally don't care for those films , and didn't really get into the whole " show " atmosphere of this movie either . i guess i might've looked at it all too literally , but like i said earlier , i just didn't care enough about the characters to delve into the " so the butterfly represents his freedom ? " side of things . all i know is that the film left me with many questions unanswered and didn't make me feel any more fulfilled . what was hedwig's relationship with that other member of his band ( with the beard ) ? what happened with hedwig and tommy gnosis at the end of the movie ? ( was that an actual sequence or a fantasy ? ) what ever happened to the lawsuit ? and more . . . all of which were part of the film and interested me somewhat . if the only idea behind the film was for the main character to uncover his/her sexuality , then that's one thing , but as many of the relationships and situations presented themselves in this movie , i wanted some resolution to those pieces as well . i didn't get it . the film's humor also didn't tickle my funny bone either . then again , i've seen many a film in these art-house theatres in which patrons are rolling down the aisles with laughter , while all i see is a tiny bit of whimsy on the screen . some of these films are also better enjoyed with the added " atmosphere " of a plant called marijuana , and i can certainly see how this movie ingrains within itself some nifty visual elements , in order to jazz up that experience . but being sober as i was and expecting a coherent , funny , musical with a transsexual twist , i didn't leave the theater very satisfied . i came out having watched an existential story of a confused man caught up in a musical lifestyle , wrapped in metaphors , dramatics and more questions than answers . i will , on the other hand , definitely hand some props out to the lead in this film , john cameron mitchell , who is also the man who wrote , directed and created the play on which this movie is based , and the tunes , which will likely be enjoyed by anyone who digs the sex pistols , david bowie and the whole 70s glam-rock scene . note : btw , it seems as though pretty much every single " mainstream " critic in the united states loved this movie from top to bottom ( and thought that it was really funny to boot ! ) , so you might want to take that into consideration yourself . but having said that , the main reason that i started this dinky website in the first place was because films like this would sometimes be uniformly applauded by the " official " critics , while i , a regular " joblo " in the audience , just wouldn't get what all the fuss was about . this movie is a perfect example of why i continue to write movie reviews . where's joblo coming from ? moulin rouge ( 8/10 ) - grease ( 8/10 ) - everyone says i love you ( 5/10 ) - the opposite of sex ( 8/10 ) - dancer in the dark ( 5/10 ) - o brother , where art thou ( 7/10 ) - love's labour's lost ( 8/10 ) 8mm is not going to enlighten your day . it's a dark , grimy and disturbing portrait of underworld snuff films and filled with excessive violence . not only do you need the stomach to make it through this bloated mess , you'll require a lot of patience as well . nicolas cage seems to be doing quite a bit of overacting as of late . he wore a bizarre get-up and did a lot of yelling in the terminally awful snake eyes , and here he attempts a performance that can relate to someone completely losing their grip on reality . cage plays private investigator tom welles , praised for his secrecy and reliability . at home , welles is a family man , with a wife ( catherine keener ) and a small daughter to take care of . his new assignment is a bizarre one : the wife of a formally deceased millionaire has hired him to solve a mystery regarding a film found in her husband's safe . the film appears to be some kind of cheap pornography involving a teenage girl and a masked man , until the girl is brutally murdered . or so it seems . welles , of course , begins to burrow deeper and deeper to uncover the truth . and the more he becomes involved in this disturbing case , the more he gets in over his head . he hires an adult book store clerk named max california ( joaquin phoenix ) to be his guide through the ugly underworld of pornography . max knows what welles is getting himself into , and explains , `you dance with the devil , the devil don't change . the devil changes you . ' these turn out to be very wise words . 8mm has a premise that begs for a better execution . the set-up is slick and well played , as cage uncovers the identity of the girl and travels to hollywood to locate her . this is where everything goes awry . although director joel schumacher succeeds in frightening us with his grotesque portrait of the `real world' , he forgot to inject any interest or excitement to the formula . everything about the movie becomes dull and lifeless , repelling the viewer like the effect of bug spray to insects . although it had enormous potential , the third act of 8mm is a total bust , leaving intrigued audiences in a baffling state of extreme disappointment as the proceedings spiral out of control . cage is the film's sole flame of energy . his performance is actually believable , but soon the director's demands start to weigh heavily on his shoulder and he begins stumbling along in desperation . still , you've got to give him credit for holding this project together as long as he did , for that is no easy feat when you consider the problems at hand . welles' trail soon leads him to a bizarre filmmaker ( played convincingly by peter stormare ) who is notorious for the hardest-hitting snuff films in the industry . this is where cage goes over the edge into a serial killer-like phase , in which he must take revenge on all those who murdered the innocent girl in the film . he tracks down the masked man responsible for the killing ( chris bauer ) , and they have a bloody brawl in the local cemetery , a fight sequence that would look more at home in a schwarzenegger movie . written by andrew kevin walker , 8mm dissipates into a poor man's seven , with all the violence but little of the effectiveness that made the latter such a chilling masterpiece . furthermore , what has become of joel schumacher ? the director has recently experienced a major drought , slumming in the depths of dismal flop after flop ( batman and robin , anyone ? ) . this putrid thriller is certainly not going to revive his career , so perhaps schumacher should start exploring his lighter side . synopsis : original " jurassic park " survivor alan grant ( neill ) is tricked by paul and amanda kirby ( macy and leoni ) into leading an expedition to an island overrun by dinosaur , to rescue their stranded son . grant's team is picked off one by one as they encounter dinosaurs both new and familiar , and grant grows to realise that some breeds are more intelligent than he previously thought . review : there is one reason why " jurassic park iii " is better than its immediate predecessor , " the lost world : jurassic park " . the latter wasted 129 minutes of my life ; the former , only 94 . the first " park " was a marvellous film , full of awe-inspiring sights , interesting characters , and genuine thrills . its two successors have been pale imitations , amounting to hundred-million-dollar b-grade horror movies . at least this third entry realises it ; whereas " the lost world " tried to justify its existence with a ludicrous and overextended plot , " jurassic park iii " simply sticks its characters on an island with a bunch of dinosaurs and lets the mayhem begin . there is a desperate sense of deja vu presiding over this movie ; the computer-animated dinos are no longer novel or exciting , and even the first-time presence of aerial lizards scarcely improves the situation . remember that wondrous first trolley ride through the park in the original movie ? nothing in this rehash even comes close . add in execrable dialogue from screenwriters buchman , payne and taylor , and phoned-in performances by the normally capable macy and leoni , and it is difficult to recommend the film to anyone but dino enthusiasts . at least neill makes some effort to retain the dignity of his character , and there is much less gore than in " the lost world " , making this installment more suitable for children . the characters in jonathan lynn's " the whole nine yards , " yet another in an endless recent string of mob comedies ( 1999's " analyze this " and " mickey blue eyes , " 2000's " gun shy " ) , are rarely ever written as real people , but merely as one-dimensional caricatures . when an added layer to one of their personalities is revealed , it is not to service the character development , or to naturally offer up instinctive characterizations , but to accommodate the convoluted plot . in a lightweight comedy , you might say , it is not required to have perfectly realized figures , just as long as they get the job done . unfortunately , for a comedy to work , it has to at least succeed at being funny , and if there was a laugh-o-meter available , i'd guess that it briefly ascended around 2 . 5% of the time for me . suffice to say , the comedy in " the whole nine yards " works about as well as the broken-down lawnmower in my backyard , and when a giggle surprisingly arises every twenty to thirty minutes , it is by sheer luck . nicholas " oz " oseransky ( matthew perry ) is an amateur dentist living in the quiet suburbs of quebec . trapped in a hateful marriage with the conniving sophie ( rosanna arquette , delightfully hamming it up with a clearly artificial french-canadian accent ) , one day oz sees that someone is moving into the house next-door . walking over to greet him , he is horrified to discover it is jimmy " the tulip " tudeski ( bruce willis ) , a former contract killer for the mafia who has just been released from prison . once getting to know him and becoming his friend , oz is more comfortable with his identity , but for sophie , it means a possible hitman to do away with oz . in her scheme , sophie sends oz to chicago to cash in by informing his old mob boss ( kevin pollak ) about jimmy's whereabouts , but in the process , he falls in love with jimmy's wife , cynthia ( natasha henstridge ) , who is being held hostage . upon return to quebec , and with one contrivance after the next , oz's dental assistant , jill ( amanda peet ) , is overjoyed to discover that he lives beside " the tulip , " and forces him to set up a meeting , since jill's dream in life turns out being a contract killer herself . have you got all that ? because there is more . much , much more . and this is a movie that , without credits , is little over 90 minutes and feels only like an hour . " the whole nine yards " is an ultimately unsatisfying and empty-headed excursion into well-worn terrain already set by far superior pictures . how the cast , most of which are respectable actors , got caught up in such a cliched , deficient film remains a mystery , unless they thought it might aspire to match the congenial screwball zaniness of director lynn's 1985 comedy classic , " clue : the movie . " going into the theater , preliminary comparisons between the two movies were unavoidable , but by the twenty-minute mark , when i had chuckled once and laughed nary a single time , it was clear this production was in serious trouble . since the entire running time depends on the mechanisms of the plot , and the screenplay , inauspiciously written by mitchell kapner , collapses with every failing " comedy " bit , the film is an inevitable dead zone in the way of substance and , frequently , entertainment value . " the whole nine yards " is neither facetious nor , aside from the subplot about jill's shocking eagerness to become a professional hitwoman , inventive , and more often than not , just lies there , the film spinning drearily around and around in the projector , but never igniting any sort of spark . a few select actors do what they can with the material , while others make no impact at all . on the mediocre side are actually those playing the two central characters : matthew perry and bruce willis . perry , innocuously enjoyable on tv's " friends , " plays the same exact sitcom-style character in all of his movies ( from 1997's " fools rush in " to 1999's " three to tango " ) , and it has become a crushing bore . meanwhile , willis makes next to no impression , and because of the limited guise of his jimmy " the tulip " tudeski , oftentimes disappears into the background . their three female counterparts fare noticeably better . best of all is natasha henstridge , far more radiant than in the exploitative " species " movies , who adds unanticipated depth and emotion to cynthia . henstridge has the talent , for sure , to break out of these countless throwaway roles , but first she must fire her agent . amanda peet has a lot of fun as the quirkily straightforward and giddy jill , and seems to know more about the art of comedic payoff than even perry who , thus far , has strived on a career based solely on comedy . it is too bad , then , that peet is unnecessarily asked to disrobe in a climactic scene , with the obvious sole purpose being to show off her breasts . finally , rosanna arquette is awful as sophie , but something tells me that was her purpose , and her clear overacting only aids in brightening up her limited screen time . also popping up is michael clarke duncan , fresh off an oscar nomination for his role in " the green mile , " as jimmy's largely built friend and fellow killer , frankie figs . when " the whole nine yards " eventually sputters to its underwhelming conclusion , one is left pondering how such a film ever got greenlit . a great deal of movies of this type have been made in the past , and this one is nothing but a duplication of better films , so what was the point ? without a passable screenplay or any notable technical accomplishments , " the whole nine yards " rests solely on the presumed charm of the cast , and half of the actors are not charming at all . now , what does that tell you ? take two old and dying men , a lifetime of regrets , a house full of sins , a thoroughly despicable man , enough lies , insecurities and other character defects to keep a team of psychiatrists gainfully employed , then add a inexplicable meteorological and amphibian-based phenomenon and you will have summed up magnolia , the newest film from paul thomas anderson ( boogie nights ) . the movie tells multiple stories , weaving them together , or overlapping them during the course of its three hour running time . would that the stories were worth the telling . earl partridge ( jason robards , a thousand acres ) is dying of cancer . bedridden , in much pain , it is obvious that his time is growing short . his much younger wife played by julianne moore ( an ideal husband ) is surprised to find herself struggling with his impending death . having married for money , she discovers that she has actually fallen in love with the old guy and regrets having cheated and lied . earl regrets having cheated on his first wife and estranging himself from his only son ( tom cruise , eyes wide shut ) , now a misogynist self-help guru who teaches men how to " seduce and destroy , " his sexual and vulgar perspective on male/female relationships is so over-the-top as to be utterly unbelievable . meanwhile , jimmy gator ( philip baker hall , the insider ) is also dying of cancer . not as physically incapacitated as earl , jimmy is still able to perform his duties as the lovable host of a long-running quiz show which pits adults against children . the current whiz-quiz-kid is stanley spector ( jeremy blackman in his film debut ) who is tired of the pressure of performing and is willing to call it quits . on the other hand , quiz kid donnie smith ( william macy , mystery men ) would like nothing more than to return to the spotlight when he was a " somebody . " his pathetic life is souring as he can no longer capitalize on his brief 15 minutes of fame which stanley is all too eager to relinquish . jimmy has his own family crisis as his drug-addict daughter ( melora walters , boogie nights ) refuses to have anything to do with him for reasons which are not disclosed to us until the end of the film . grabbing at one last attempt at happiness she reaches out to a softhearted cop ( john c . reilly , never been kissed ) even as she tries to push herself away from him because she deems herself not worthy of his affection . this dysfunctional group carries on for what seems to be an interminable two-thirds of the movie . and then it gets worse , literally raining frogs . yes , frogs . assuming it to be an intended deus-ex-machina device , it is an ineffective one because it doesn't seem to faze the characters much . oh , they may step gingerly around the splattered frog corpses littering the streets , but otherwise , the frog shower didn't seem to change their behavior or pattern of living ( or dying ) . there is simply too much going on in this movie and most of it is distasteful to watch . mr . anderson further obscures the film by incorporating a loud and intrusive sound track that often drowned out the dialogue , a character who apparently rapped a significant clue to a plot development which was completely unintelligble , and a heavy handed segment of " historical " occurances containing ironic twists which set up absolutely nothing . one of the recurring themes is found in a line donnie quotes : " we may be done with the past , but the past is not done with us . " this is an absolute lie . god is in the forgiveness business . in fact , as we humbly ask for forgiveness and repent or change our offending mindset , god's word says that he not only forgives , he also forgets . " i , even i , am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake , and will not remember thy sins . " isaiah 43 : 25 [kjv] the spiritual one who keeps bringing up our unrighteous past is the same one who wants to keep us in a state of condemnation . don't let him . next time your spiritual adversary reminds you of your past , take great pleasure in reminding him of his future . he hates that . so much for sweet returns . after smart horror films were starting to be made again after the exploitative 80's slasher movies , starting with 1996's " scream , " and followed by " scream 2 , " " urban legend , " and the original , " i know what you did last summer , " a film like , " i still know what you did last summer , " was bound to be made sooner or late . it is a perfect example of the exact reason why horror films temporarily burned out , and that is because they reached for the lowest-common-denominator in filmmaking , favoring non-stop deaths and gore for suspense , and trading in fleshed out , likable characters for one-dimensional nitwits . it has been exactly one year since julie james ( jennifer love hewitt ) suffered through the ordeal of being terrorized by ben willis , a psychopathic fisherman whom her friends and she accidentally hit in the middle of the road , and then , thinking he was dead , dumped him into the ocean . since then , julie has relocated to boston university , and although often paranoid and haunted by bad dreams , she has been able to put her life back together . when julie's friend , karla ( brandy ) , is called up by a radio station and answers correctly what the capital of brazil is , she wins a vacation to the bahamas for four people , which also includes karla's horny boyfriend , tyrell ( mekhi phifer ) , and will ( matthew settle ) , who karla sets julie up with after her own boyfriend , ray ( freddie prinze jr . , also returning from the original ) , doesn't show up . when they reach the secluded island , they discover it is the last day of the open season , and will be stranded there for the 4th of july weekend with a few employees to fend off a violent storm headed for them . of course , julie , her friends , and the workers aren't the only ones there , as the murderous ben willis , dressed in fisherman garb , returns to seek revenge on julie once and for all . it is a sad state of affairs when a movie like , " i still know what you did last summer , " is made . i am a very big fan of horror movies , and so it is especially disheartening to find out that this sequel to " ikwydls , " which i am a fan of , is almost an exact replica of a " friday the 13th " movie . while the original focused more on the story and characters , as well as genuinely suspenseful moments , thanks to the screenplay by kevin williamson ( who didn't return to write the sequel , and it shows ) , " i still know . . . " has no story to speak of , and is so vacuous of ideas , that the filmmakers , were forced to have a murder occur every five minutes just to keep the audience interested . also gone are any signs of character development , and since every single character died before i got to know them , all i was left with was to stare at the screen , indifferent to what was going on . while i cared about the fates of the characters in the original , it made no difference to me in this sequel who lived and died . they were all paper-thin and pointless , except to become victims to the lethal hook of the fisherman . another element that made the original so memorable were some superbly crafted set-pieces , like the store sequence with sarah michelle gellar , but there are none to speak of in this sequel ( although they do come close at one moment with brandy ) . since so many people were killed every couple minutes , the suspense and scares evaporated faster than salt in water . also of note is the mystery of the second killer , and accomplice to ben , but it is obvious from the first frame who it is , and so i couldn't even have fun at that , like i did in the " scream " movies and , " urban legend . " it figures that just as slasher films were starting to get some recognition again , a film would come along and ruin it for everyone else . maybe the people who made , " i still know what you did last summer , " should have realized that in order to make a good movie , you must have a screenplay---or at least one that isn't such a black hole for thoughts and ideas . the ending of the film inevitably leaves the door wide open for a third part , but judging from this amazingly lackluster first sequel , everyone involved should have quit while they were still ahead . around the end of 1998 , a japanese cartoon came to the usa television , and really wasn't that big . in fact not many people even knew what pokemon was , but in 1999 it hit big with kids and adults alike , and became one of the biggest franchises and merchandise seller of all time . in fact it even spawned a big screen adventure pokemon : the first movie which for what it was , wasn't all that bad . it grossed $31 million in its opening weekend , and went on to make almost $90 million . fans thought it was great and now is a second movie in the pokemon craze , " pokemon : the movie 2000 " which is far inferior to the original animated movie . first up is the plot , which there really isn't much of , in fact the plot what there is : a bad guy trying to destroy the ancient never before seen pokemon , lugia , is about it , except the fact that ash kethcum the worlds best pokemon trainer must try and stop him before he destroys this one pokemon forever . well there you go , of course ash is followed by his friends misty , brock , gary and his pokemon friends , pikachu , squirtle , charizard , the usual . even though the first movie wasn't a great film , it was definately an enjoyable well-made movie with an actual thin storyline . this new movie however is nothing but garbage , there is nothing good to it storywise , and its only good thing comes from some plush animation and colors . compared to the first film , this movie is awfully bland , from its opening titles , to the end titles it tries its best to work , but fails miserably at every corner . the characters are 1-dimensional , the story thin as chicken broth , and the writing very lame . even the so called action scenes are extremely lame , and falls before it even gets a chance to go . the voices even aren't that good and almost feels like the stars don't want to be there , like they can tell that this is an extremel bad movie . which it certainly is . the film has one thing going for it and that is the animation , although not up to disney standards , it is still very good with some interesting cgi's and very colorful animation , the colors jump out at you very fast , and seem very nicely put on film . why a film this bad got such a good treatment with its animation is still a question to be answered , hopefully pokemon 3 next year will be much better than this trash . for now watch the first one . its much much better . its a stupid little movie that trys to be clever and sophisticated , yet trys a bit too hard . with the voices of woody allen , gene hackman , jennifer lopez , sylvester stallone , and sharon stone , this computer-animated yak-fest ( think toy story [1996] filled with used merchandising ) is one for the ant-eaters . the main story is the independence of a worker named z ( allen ) . he wants more to life than just digging away underground for the colony . when he finds out about ``insectopia , " a mythical place where all insects can run free , z , along with his colony's princess ( stone ) , journey out into the world to find a meaning for life . about 15 minutes into the picture , i began to wonder what the point of the film was . halfway through , i still didn't have an answer . by the end credits , i just gave up and ran out . antz is a mindless mess of poor writing and even poorer voice-overs . allen is nonchalant , while i would have guessed , if i hadn't seen her in the mighty and basic instinct , stone can't act , even in a cartoon . this film is one for the bugs : unfunny and extremely dull . hey , a bug's life may have a good time doing antz in . godzilla is a nuclear freak . he is a lizard that has been mutated over the years and has become a new species , one that has a foot as long as this bus , and a claw as long as this sign . this aquatic creature made its first attack in the pacific islands . he tore up a ship that carried dozens of japanese men . one survived . only he was left to recount the terror that he had seen . he was merely able to repeat the words " godzilla . . . godzilla . . . godzilla " . the film then introduces us to matthew broderick , a biologist who has been studying the fascinating growth of chernobyl earthworms . " they're 17% larger than they used to be ! " he proclaims . the u . s . military pulls him off this three year project and assigns him to figure out what godzilla is . and , boy , does he find out . and , boy , does godzilla suck . i hate to use such a word in a review , something that is supposed to inform my audience , but i really need to drive this one home and i refuse to use explitives . it is unbelieveable to me how the producers of this movie saw the final cut and said , " ok ! it's great ! let's show this puppy . " roland emmerich needs a good horse whipping . his latest piece of trash makes id4 look like a masterpiece of modern american cinema . and if steven spielberg had never made the jurassic park films , emmerich and his team of talent-challenged imbeciles would never have had a clue as to how the creature should look . let me give you a few examples of this terrible attempt at filmmaking . i plan on giving some things away here . belive me , godzilla holds no surprises for anyone with an iq higher than their shoe size , so . . . no worries . however , if you are looking for that " first time thrill " and you refuse to let me do you this favor , by all means , stop reading now . a . ) godzilla makes his first ever attack in the pacific islands . he next strikes in new york city . um . . . anyone have a map handy ? b . ) the mayor of new york city is a heavy set individual with parted gray hair and thick glasses . his name is mayor ebert . his assistant is named gene . gene gives ebert a thumbs down at the end of the film . i couldn't make this up if i tried , folks . c . ) stay with me on this one . . . ok . godzilla can out run torpedoes . hank azaria can out run godzilla babies . ( which look more like jurassic park raptors than the jurassic park raptors . ) d . ) the u . s . military , upon realization that godzilla has disappeared after running rampant through the city , decides that he " might be hiding in a building . " e . ) ( oh yeah , i can go all the way to e . ) godzilla strikes at manhattan . manhattan , an island approximately the size of san francisco holds three million people . they evactuate to new jersey in about one day . no problem . f . ) early on , they bait godzilla with fish . ( he likes fish , you know . ) the thing is on an island . the atlantic ocean is three steps east , but pile a whole bunch of grouper on fifth and 57th . . . oh he's gonna come running . g . ) you know what ? i'll stop with the list now . . . the alphabet isn't big enough anyway . the dialogue makes me wonder if producer dean devlin had his five year old do a re-write . " the kid is good ! " he must have said . maria pitillo is looking to become a name in hollywood by starring in this potential blockbuster . bad move , maria . acting doesn't get much worse than her turn as broderick's ex-flame . matthew broderick is a good actor , but you'd never give him a chance if godzilla were the only film of his you'd seen . jean reno needs to pick his american films a bit more carefully . at times , godzilla seems to be headed toward a zucker , abrahams , zucker film . ( airplane ! , naked gun . ) the jokes are indeed that bad . but just when you think the filmmakers are having fun with you , they take themselves seriously . how dare they ! godzilla would have been better if it had only thrown in visual sight gags and fart jokes . at least then we would know we were supposed to laugh . each and every character in godzilla is beyond stupid and i was really pulling for the beast to kill more of them . emmerich did do one thing , though . ( and i've no idea if it was intentional . ) he made me sympathize with godzilla . his attackers were so damn dumb that i felt sorry for him being pelted with bullets and missles . but what made me feel even sorrier for him was that his famous name will always be attatched to one of the worst films hollywood has ever produced . after the recent animated debacles of , " a rugrats movie , " and " a bug's life , " i am seriously considering raising my highly negative rating on dreamworks' other insect film from october , " antz . " i hated that movie , and yet , it is so much better than these latest two excursions . " a bug's life , " is the second animated insect film in the last two months , and i hoped for the best , considering it was done in the wonderful style of pixar's last film , 1995's " toy story , " but in no way does , " a bug's life , " even remotely match up to that . flik ( david foley ) , an ant , who along with his many comrades , has the job every year of gathering up the seasonal harvest , only to have to give half of it away to the dominating grasshoppers , led by hopper ( kevin spacey ) . flik , however , feels all alone and unwanted in the world , especially after he accidentally loses all of their food , and the ants are threated by hopper to gather up a whole other season's load by the time the last summer leaf falls from the trees . banished from ant island , flik leaves the colony in search of some strong reinforcement to help out , but through a misunderstanding , returns with a handful of helpless circus bugs , including a walking stick ( david hyde pierce ) , a dung beetle ( brad garrett ) , a gypsy moth ( madeline kahn ) , a male ladybug ( denis leary ) , and a caterpillar ( joe ranft ) . " a bug's life , " has one thing going for it . only one thing . with its glorious , bright colors , the computer-generated animation is a spectacle to look at . the film itself , unfortunately , is a lifeless , unamusing contraption without any of the flair or excitement of , " toy story . " the characters in , " a bug's life , " are an assortment of either unlikable or dull insects without any charm or personality , other than to stand around and recite arbitrary and thoroughly unfunny one-liners . the thin story was also stretched out to a nearly unbearable 94 minutes , and it often felt as if they ran out of ideas throughout , and so they made up pointless scenes to pass as time-filler . after giving such scathing reviews to the animated films from this year , i was beginning to think that i had simply outgrown them , but then i realized this is just not so . i still adore almost all of the older disney films , and many of the newer ones , such as 1989's , " the little mermaid , " 1991's , " beauty and the beast , " 1993's , " the nightmare before christmas , " and yes , 1995's , " toy story . " maybe this has just been a bad year for children's films , and hopefully , the upcoming , " the prince of egypt , " will not be a disappointment . as for , " a bug's life , " i did not enjoy anything about it . not the story , not the characters , and not even the voiceover work , which was far more lively in , " antz . " " a bug's life , " goes down as yet another failure for disney , and it is a sad state of affairs when their best film in the last two years has been the minor jonathan taylor thomas picture , " i'll be home for christmas . " once upon a time jean-claude van damme was a decent action hero . the muscles from brussels bursted into the hollywood market with mindless adventure films , boasting his spectacular martial-arts ability . some of these excursions were fun . but now it seems like watching a van damme movie has become a painful chore , with no rewards but the virtually guaranteed helping of mind-numbing action . and when the action goes sour , what is there left to enjoy ? i'll explain . knock off is about a pair of counterfeit jeans salesmen working out of an office in hong kong . marcus ray ( van damme ) , a babe-magnet and stylish dresser , heads up the company with an annoying weasel of a partner ( rob schneider ) . they become part of a plot involving microbombs implanted in counterfeit jeans , seemingly by a mole in the business . i'm going to reveal about everything in the next paragraph , so if you want a review devoid of spoilers , skip onto the next one . i'm not quite sure who gives a crap , but i'll issue a warning anyhow . tommy is really working with the cia . his boss ( a very hammy and flat paul sorvino ) is the mole , and he wants to cause carnage with these tiny but immensely powerful super weapons . he even stoops so low to put them into children's toys . if you thought this plot outline sounded intriguing , then you probably will enjoy knock off . if you think that this ridiculous set-up couldn't even fill five minutes of screen time without causing you to roll over laughing , this might not be your cup of tea . knock off sucks . it stoops to ridiculous levels that most individuals could only conjure up in horrific nightmares . it amazes me how far these producers will go to sell something , simply because van damme is the star . the plot is pathetic garbage strung together by inane action sequences that will baffle your mind , the performances are so wooden you could use them to row a canoe , and the action itself is an absolute catastrophe . director tsui hark ( who teamed with van damme in the superior , but still lame-brained double team ) is at the helm , and he would rather attempt to dazzle us with fantastic camera angles than engage us with the plot . i suppose i enjoyed some of the camera work , but the incessant desperation of it all made me rather nauseous . the picture freezes in the middle of an action sequence , speeds are altered consistently , and the camera tricks mostly apply to traveling up gun barrels as the weapons are fired . it all sounds very cool . trust me , it isn't . as much as it scars me to say this ( har , har ) , van damme is terrible . sure , he does lots of fancy kickboxing moves and dodges giant crates with the greatest of ease . he looks like he's doing a bad impersonation of jackie chan , and his performance is stiff and tired . i hate to say it , but perhaps it's time for mr . van damme to give up his day job . it's really a test of endurance watching knock off . i suppose there's some enjoyment derived from schneider's character , who is extremely annoying , but provides the film's better moments . and what is the beautiful lela rochon doing in this movie ? hopefully she grabbed her paycheck and then fled the premises like an olympic sprinter . knock off doesn't even stand strong as a mindless but entertaining action film , like a handful of van damme's others . no , this movie is an embarrassment to the entire action genre of modern filmmaking . and considering how low hollywood has stooped as of late in that department , that is certainly not saying much . note to self : avoid universal soldier 2 : the return upon release in august ? 99 . the year is barely a week old , and there is already a candidate for the worst of 1997--the relic , a would-be chiller that's more successful at making the audience laugh than scream . in this ridiculous film from uberhack peter hyams ( whose last two pictures were dreadful jean-claude van damme vehicles ) , a creature that feeds on the hypothalamuses ( hypothalamii ? ) of humans and animals goes on a killing spree in a chicago museum . how did this creature come into existence , and why does it feed on hormones ? the " scientific " explanation cooked up by the four--yes , four--credited screenwriters ( amy holden jones , john raffo , rick jaffa , and amanda silver ) takes " suspension of disbelief " to new heights , even by monster movie standards . but as cockamamie as the science is in the film , it isn't quite as hard to swallow as the casting of the clueless penelope ann miller as a brilliant molecular biologist who specializes in evolutionary genetics . miller acts as if she wants an oscar nomination , turning every scene that requires the slightest display of emotion into an overblown oscar clip , complete with piercing wails and glycerine tears . give it up , penelope--it's a _monster_movie_ . on the flip side , tom sizemore just phones in his performance as a police lieutenant , but his role is so thankless that it's hard to imagine it being played any more effectively . it's quite funny to see a film indulge , with the straightest of faces , in all those cheesy horror movie cliches that wes craven lampooned so well ( and so recently ) in scream . for example , in one early scene , a museum security guard goes into a bathroom stall late at night . ok , we all know what's coming , but as if we didn't need any more confirmation , he pulls out a joint and starts puffing away . everyone knows what happens to people who do drugs in a scary movie . and later , miller frantically runs out of a museum exhibit after she hears some suspicious heavy breathing . does she make a beeline for the front door ? of course not--she runs into the ladies room and cowers in a stall . with all the cliches , it is only fitting the film's climax offers what is perhaps the most overused one in recent film : that of someone outrunning a fireball . if the relic is truly " the next evolution in terror " as the poster states , then the horror film--and humanity--is in even worse shape than we thought . susan granger's review of " two can play that game " ( screen gems ) since the success of " waiting to exhale , " there have been several romantic comedies about african-american professionals . this female revenge fantasy , vivica a . fox plays shante smith , a stunning ad exec who seems to have reached the pinnacle of success : a mansion , a sporty car and an idyllic relationship with a hunky , hot-shot lawyer , morris chestnut . she's at a point in her life when she dispenses advice to her grateful girl-friends ( mo'nique , wendy racquel robinson , tamala jones ) . " when your man messes up , no matter how small it is , " she smugly decrees , " yuh gots to punish him . " so when she catches her hot man dancing at a bar with a smart and sexy rival , gabrielle union , she devises her own version of " the rules , " a 10-day " tough love " emotionally punishing plan to get him back . unfortunately , writer/director mark brown ( " how to be a player " ) breaks the cardinal rule of romantic comedy : you have to like the protagonist - and shrill , self-congratulatory shante smith is a smirking , superficial , spiteful shrew who doesn't realize that rational rules cannot always be applied to love . having her talk directly into the camera gets stale very quickly and the " day one , " " day two " title-card device underscores the tedium . comic anthony anderson scores as chestnut's boisterous best-friend , and singer bobby brown does a cameo as a scuzzy mechanic who's given a smooth makeover by ms . robinson . but the out-takes over the closing credits contain more humor than the film itself . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " two can play that game " is smarmy if slick 4 , filled with misogynistic attitude and blatant product placements ( coca-cola , miller genuine draft ) but little else . in this r-rated ( for explicit sexual language ) , pseudo-hip battle of the sexes , the audience loses . susan granger's review of " glitter " ( 20th century-fox ) there's less here than meets the eye . or , put it this way , if you thought madonna was awful in " shanghai surprise , " mariah carey's worse in this reworking of " a star is born . " she plays billie frank who , despite being abandoned by her singer/alcoholic mother ( valerie pettiford ) , believes she's destined for greatness because everyone tells her she is . " you've got this amazing gift , and you gotta use it , " her roommate says . " your voice - it's incredible , " says another singer . " i ain't never met anyone like you , " proclaims julian " dice " black ( max beesley ) , the hot new york dj who becomes her svengali-like producer/lover . problem is : her signature song , " i didn't mean to turn you on " is wretched . and when she fumes out of filming her first music video because the director wants to " exploit " her by having her wear a bikini , the audience bursts into laughter . exploit mariah carey , who chooses to wear as little as the law will allow ? come on ! writer kate lanier's script is fatuous and director vondie curtis-hall doesn't have a clue how to handle the glitzy pop diva and , as a result of their incompetence , whispery-voice'd ms . carey seems to be embarrassed on-screen . she almost cringes when the camera comes in for a close-up , pursing her lips and averting her glassy eyes . talented british musician max beesley appears equally inept , and as cinematographer geoffrey simpson pans around the manhattan skyline , there's an audible audience groan when the twin towers of the world trade center come into view . perhaps one of the reasons ms . carey suffered her highly-publicized nervous breakdown this summer is because she saw a preview of this clunker . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " glitter " is a pathetic 1 . right now , it's tops on my list of the worst of 2001 . the ads make " hanging up " seem like an upbeat comedy about a rascally father and his three daughters . anyone who went to the movie expecting that left disappointed . all of the movie's funny scenes were included in the ad . so what do we get ? eve marks ( meg ryan ) just put her father lou mozell ( walter matthau ) into a hospital . once upon a time , lou was a hollywood screenwriter who collaborated with his now-estranged wife . his one great moment in life was writing a film for john wayne , who gave him a giant bullet-shaped trophy . now lou is senile and deteriorating rapidly . eve tries to convince her sisters georgia ( diane keaton ) and maddy ( lisa kudrow ) that their father is dying and needs them . both are slow to show concern . so devoted eve stands vigil over her father , who constantly asks for his favorite daughter georgia , while running her own business ( planning special events ) and caring for her son ( jesse james ) . ( some comic relief comes when maddy also drops off her ailing st . bernard for eve to care for . ) the tension builds until all three sisters are finally in one room at one of eve's events where georgia is the keynote speaker . there's a superficial resemblance to shakespeare's " king lear " ( senile king with three daughters : one devoted saint and two selfish bitches ) , but the material is apparently drawn from life . sister screenwriters delia and nora ephron had parents who were a successful hollywood writing team . henry and phoebe ephron collaborated on 17 screenplays , including " desk set " and " there's no business like show business . " ( delia's novel , the basis for the film , is dedicated to henry ) . surprisingly , the script is as thin as an anorexic's wet dream . the virtue of a semi-autobiographical project would seem to be the wealth of material available . yet , the ephrons provide only the barest minimum of information about their characters . also , the spaces they inhabit seem artificial . eve lives in a house that looks like a magazine layout ; no matter how put-upon she is , we can't feel sorry for anyone whose house is so pristine on any given day . georgia is a famous magazine editor , and in her brief scenes while she chats on a cell phone with eve seem like the photo spread for a profile . when we first meet maddy , she's fishing at a picturesque mountain stream . i expected to see the credit " cinematography by 'vanity fair . ' " and , yes , diane keaton is literally old enough to be lisa kudrow's mother . to her credit , though , she looks young enough to pull it off . the one redeeming aspect of " hanging up " is that , at its core , is a truth about siblings . there's always one on which everyone else in the family relies , freeing the others to be selfish and emotionally distant . my wife is the reliable child in her family ; for better or worse , my brother has the role in mine . ( being selfish and emotionally distant may not be fulfilling , but it is a lot less work ) . if you have nothing better to do than watch this movie , look for a powerful cameo by cloris leachman as the sisters' mother pat . in a devastating scene , eve discovers that her mother doesn't love her . although leachman is best known for comedies like " young frankenstein " and " the mary tyler moore show , " her performance here reminded me of the considerable dramatic talent she displayed in " the last picture show . " bottom line : everyone involved has lived in hollywood so long they don't recognize real life anymore . this is the worst movie i've seen since the " so bad i walked out on it " " jingle all the way " . it is crap on toast made of crap baked in a an oven fueled by crap . it is crap through and through . nothing works in this film , as to be expected from joel schumacher , who has made only one watchable film in his entire career ( that being " cousins " ) . here's a man who admits he's a medicore director , a rather charmingly self-effacing statement . but truth be told , he is much worse than mediocre . not all scorn should be heaped on schumacher though -- akiva goldsman should not be allowed to write ever again . there is no plot anywhere , and the " dialogue " is unrelentingly shallow , preposterous , and boring . they set up mr . freeze as a tragic figure trying to cure his cryogenically frozen wife , then completely sabotage his character by giving him the lamest one-liners . it turns him into a stock maniacal villain who thoroughly enjoys his villainy instead of a brooding scientist who has spent much of his life to bringing his wife from the brink of death . but that's par for course -- nothing in this film makes any sense , including half of arnold schwarzenegger's lines . as mr . freeze , arnold is given way too much dialogue to spit out at once . this is the same problem he had in " jingle all the way " , and it seems that his austrian accent is getting thicker and more unintelligible as the days pass . personally , i think that he has more pull with the directors and doesn't retake scenes to make him understandable . compare his dialogue in the terminator series to the load of nonsense that streams forth in " batman & robin " . apparently , james cameron knows how to get a competent performance out of arnold . uma thurman is not as bad , but nothing resembling good either . her poison ivy vamps around terribly , chewing up scenery left and right . and her pamela isley scenes are marred by sub-snl standard " acting " , as if she's reading off cue cards and is about to laugh at any given moment . given the " script " , it's a wonder it didn't happen more frequently . there is no redeeming feature in this film -- not george clooney as batman , chris o'donnell as robin , nor alicia silverstone as batgirl . michael gough is eerily sickly looking as alfred , as if the conceit of his illness was prompted by his cadaverous appearance . in fact , there was something unsettling about his appearance , which seems to have been accomplished without any make-up tricks , looking as if it were scenes from a documentary about a dying man . unfortunately , every scene about alfred's sickness is bungled with such incompetence that there is absolutely no emotional resonance -- they just go through the motions , losing whatever impact the scenes were supposed to impart . the movie is rife with poorly choreographed fights scenes that never give any sense of a big battle -- you know there's a bunch of people , but instead of a melee , schumacher decided to focus on a foot or a fist . there's never a moment of awe , wonder , or mayhem . the only interesting part of the battles scenes are the freezing effects , which are impressive ( and probably expensive ) . even then , the fights are so full of camp and stupidity that they become unwatchable . the hockey team from hell ? not even the tv series got that stupid ( at least not on the grand scale of stupidity that " batman & robin " showcases ) . frustrating too are the various supporting characters that walk on and off with nothing to say or do . blink , and you'll miss elle macpherson as julie madison , vivica fox as a " why is she even in the film " vamp in freeze's lair ( with all of two lines ) , and pat hingle as the most ineffectual commissioner gordan the batman series ever had . and in what almost seems like an effort to save on costs , vendela kirsebom has no lines as mrs . fries -- she isn't even filmed well enough to look good ( trust me , she's quite attractive outside of this dreck ) . and as if the film weren't bad enough to limp along with bad direction , bad dialogue , bad performances , and bad fight scenes , there are inconsistencies and illogic galore . i know it's nit-picky to ask where the hundreds of feet of cable are stored in the batarangs , why the character's arms aren't ripped out of their sockets when they accomplish a one-armed batarang save after falling hundreds of feet ( while holding on to another person no less ) , or where the moisture comes from when freeze's weapon creates tons if ice . that's all traditional comic book stuff . but why does batman spring a trap for freeze at a public charity event that endanger the lives of hundreds of by-standers ? why is there a big switch clearly marked , " heat " in mr . freeze's lair ? why do countless bumbling police officers even try to take on mr . freeze hand to hand ? why does alfred encourage silverstone to become batgirl and even go so far as to have a suit made for her ? why do batman & robin take 10 minutes to bicker before leaving the batcave in response to an emergency ? and since it established early on that ivy is using pheromones , why don't they wear masks to filter it out ? i could go on and on . " batman & robin " is a braindead , pointless , garish , loud film that should still reign as the " worst film of the year " by the time 1998 rolls along . note to warner bros . -- if you're going to make another batman film , please replace schumacher with nearly anyone . because it could actually get worse than this . what schumacher does not understand is that " comic book " doesn't automatically equal unbearable idiocy . the true equation seems to be schumacher + batman = unbearable idiocy . when i ponder childhood memories past , one of the things that always springs immediately to mind is watching the " inspector gadget " tv show with my older brother . truth be told , we were rabid fanatics ; our version of cowboys and indians was chasing each other around our coffee table to the theme tune , alternating who would get to be gadget and who would be stuck playing the part of dr . claw , the inspector's arch nemesis . i was never a biggie on nostalgia , but you just can't help but have fond memories of something like that . sometimes i even find myself up at 4am watching re-runs of my favorite episodes , trying to recapture some of that sense of wonder i felt as a kid . at the very least , i was expecting the new film version of the classic television series to have at least some kind of similar effect on me . despite how horrid a film may be , the simple task of rekindling even a slight feeling of nostalgia is pretty tough to screw up . so back i sat , with minimum expectations of what the movie would deliver ( let's face it ; exactly how good can a live-action disney film really be ? ) . i was wise enough to steer clear from the likes of mr . magoo and george of the jungle ( two previous disney adaptations ) , and i wish to god that i had been sharp enough to skip gadget as well . rarely has a movie left me with such an utter feeling of emptiness . as everyone else was getting up to exit the screening room after the movie had completed its assault on mankind , i was left sitting there , absolutely speechless and totally dumbfounded at what i had just seen . can something this awful truly exist in such an evolved world ? right from the beginning , i knew i was in trouble . in the opening scenes , each character is introduced as if their sole purpose is to just be , to simply serve as real-life duplicates of their cartoon clones . when referring to them , people almost yell in fear that the audience will not catch on as to who a certain character is supposed to be ( " oh , hi penny ! is brain with you ? " ) . creating one-dimensional replicas is one thing ; having mere names take the place of them is quite another . the " plot " , shall we call it , stays fairly in tune with the original series . matthew broderick stars as john brown ( how creative is that ? ) , a security guard who is horribly injured by a pack of ruthless businessmen headed by scolex ( why , rupert everett , for the love of god why ? ? ? ! ! ! ) , who himself is transformed into claw by an unfortunate chain of events . brown is then rescued and used as a prototype for a new law-enforcement technology wherein he's joined with various machine parts and some nifty gadgets to form ( drumroll , please ) . . . inspector gadget ! >from here on out , the movie becomes a hodgepodge of stupid dialog and confusing situations ( although , to be fair , my confusion could have been caused by the virtual concussion the film was inflicting upon my fragile mind ) . there's something about an evil gadget taking over the city ( his first crime must have been swiping matt dillon's dentures from there's something about mary ) and it all ends with ( what else ? ) a bunch of post-credit nonsense and a cameo by don adams himself . to be honest , i wasn't much paying attention to these " treats " . i was just glad that it was over . perhaps if the impostors didn't have so much going for it , it wouldn't have been such a tremendous disappointment . written , directed , and produced by one of its two stars , stanley tucci , whose last picture was the indie smash hit , big night , the impostors almost never catches fire . sputtering like a two-day old campfire , the story plays like an ad-lib sketch that was never polished or completed . the film's other star , oliver platt , was hilarious as the senator's aide in bulworth . the bloated supporting cast is a veritable cornucopia of acting talent , including woody allen , steve buscemi , hope davis , alfred molina , campbell scott , lili taylor and tony shalhoub . all are wasted save allen , who plays a theatrical director who stares in disbelief at the bad acting before his eyes . ( the audience will easily identify with allen's sentiments . ) with the exception of a single original joke involving mirror-imaged subtitles , the movie engenders little genuine laughter . the stale humor is so embarrassingly bad that you will find yourself laughing sporadically at the picture rather than with it . the plot for the movie involves two starving actors , maurice ( oliver platt ) and arthur ( stanley tucci ) , who accidentally end up on a cruise ship . in order to escape an angry shakespearean actor ( alfred molina ) , who is chasing them , they dress up as ship's stewards . the over-the-top script has the subtlety of a sledgehammer . when the leads hide from their pursuers , arthur covers maurice's mouth as he suffers an unending sneeze . at other times , we have the typical zany comedy routine where everyone chases everyone else , while darting in and out of staterooms . with the film's chapters introduced like placards at a vaudeville stage , it is clear the movie wants to be taken as farce . the press notes describes how everyone that came on the set remarked at what a good time all of the actors were having . too bad they weren't more concerned with the audience's potential enjoyment . the jokes , frequently framed in silence , fall like stones with such intensity that one can almost hear them hitting the ground . one wonders if anyone ever viewed the film's dailies . surely , if they had , they would have realized what leaden results they were producing . it is tricky having good actors play bad ones , but , if they couldn't pull it off , they should have just given up . " the show is over for this fella , " steve buscemi's character says towards the end . the mystery is why they didn't all give up in the beginning . there must have been a better script somewhere for such a wonderful cast . the impostors runs 1 : 42 . it is rated r for a little profanity and would be fine for kids around 12 and up . this was the last carry on movie ( if you discount 'carry on columbus' as a carry on movie ) and was made by a new production company . based in central london , this movie is about the attempts by emmanuelle prevert ( suzanne danielle ) to bed her husband emile the french ambassador ( kenneth williams ) . when he seems unwilling , she is given his permission to bed anyone she likes , such as the prime minister and the u . s . ambassador . her antics get her into trouble and the british press spread these rumours all over their front pages . she is invited to talk on television to set the record straight but only confirms the rumours instead . meanwhile , theodore valentine ( larry dann ) is in love with emmannuelle after a chance encounter in the toilet of the concorde and is determined to marry her . however , she is only interested in restoring her husband's ardour which seems a little difficult after emile's accident with a church spire ! this film is the second worst carry on movie , the worst being 'carry on england' . it is embarassing to see some of the remaining regulars struggle through this diabolical script by lance peters and try to pull off some of the crude and tasteless jokes that he has written . newcomers suzanne danielle and beryl reid ( as mrs . valentine ) are mildly funny , but larry dann as theodore is excruciatingly bad . kenneth williams only appears in a few scenes and his lacklustre performance is warranted , given the script . the small parts for jack douglas as lyons the butler , joan sims as mrs . dangle , kenneth connor as leyland the chauffeur , and peter butterworth as richmond , are worthless and embarassing . in fact , all four parts are surplus to requirements . however , the only humourous scene in the film is when the four of them and emmannuelle talk about their most amourous escapades . an awful script , a terrible collection of jokes , very poor production values ( especially the scene where emmannuelle takes her clothes off at st . james palace ) , a ludicrous and cringeworthy musical score , and a non-existent plot or storyline . its just a succession of awful set pieces about who emmannuelle will bed next ! jack douglas is not so annoying but is more boring , joan sims and peter butterworth are wasted , and kenneth connor and kenneth williams put in some poor performances as leyland and emile . a complete waste of time , this movie was trying to catch up with the new sexually permissive seventies . it was a certificate 15 film but by 1978 , there was little interest in this kind of film and it flopped at the box office and was only given its premiere on uk terrestrial television in april 1998 ! avoid at all costs ! if you're debating whether or not to see _breakfast_of_champions_ , ask yourself one simple question : do you want to see nick nolte in lingerie ? the only people who would get much enjoyment from alan rudolph's chaotic adaptation of the kurt vonnegut novel is the cross-section of the population with the unhealthy urge to see that unpleasant sight . everyone else--and i'm hoping that's most people--would be wise to steer clear of this excrutiatingly unfunny mess . actually , though , the sight of nolte in high heels is one of the more amusing things about this muddle , which focuses dwayne hoover ( bruce willis ) , the owner of dwayne hoover's exit 11 motor village in midland city . not only is he a huge success as a businessman , he's also something of a celebrity , his face made recognizable by an ongoing series of television commercials . with a nice home and family to boot , dwayne appears to have it all the ingredients to be happy--yet he's not . his wife celia ( barbara hershey ) is perpetually in a pill-induced haze ; his son george ( lukas haas ) is a flamboyant lounge singer who goes by the stage name " bunny . " not only that , the environmental protection agency is on dwayne's ass over a building development project . it's enough to send dwayne on a nervous breakdown--that is , if he doesn't succeed in blowing his brains out first . meanwhile , midland city is about to host a fine arts festival , and the guest of honor is one kilgore trout ( albert finney ) , a writer who is far from the renowned author the festival's organizer ( buck henry ) was led to believe--in fact , he's a penniless hack who writes second-rate sci-fi that appears in porn magazines . his trek to midland city is also a spiritual journey , one that reaches its apex after meeting dwayne , who for some reason thinks that trout will hold for him all of life's answers . the above is already a longer plot synopsis than i usually give in my reviews , but , ironically , i have barely scratched the surface . i haven't yet mentioned wayne hoobler ( omar epps ) , an ex-con with an obsessive admiration for the similarly-named dwayne . then there's the matter of francine ( glenne headly ) , dwayne's devoted secretary . not to mention dwayne's employee and old friend harry lesabre ( nolte ) , the one with the secret penchant for cross-dressing . and so on . the film is essentially dwayne's story , but too often rudolph goes on distracting tangents with the eccentric peripheral players that one often wonders what the point is . rudolph does arrive at a point ( more on that later ) , but it's blunted and obscured by his hyperactive approach to the material . the surreal visual style , complete with printed words flying through the air and into dwayne's ears , is obviously meant to convey a sense of madness , but its bludgeoning nature is likely to make viewers mad . the actors are called on to act accordingly , resulting in some of the worst , most overdone work all of them have ever turned in . willis fares best of all--but that's because his frozen expression of befuddled bewilderment mirrors that of the audience . with such an aggressively outrageous atmosphere for nearly all of its running time , it comes as a shock when things suddenly turn serious , and rudolph tries to make a statement . unlike _american_beauty_ ( a film that _breakfast_ resembles in more than a few ways , to its great detriment ) , there isn't any palpably earnest undercurrent that would prepare the audience for the big shift . as such , the cartoony characters fail to win a sympathy that needs to be earned ; and the film attempts , to no avail , to reach a profundity that it doesn't deserve . vonnegut's original novel is considered a classic , but it had been called unfilmable--the same that was said of hunter s . thompson's _fear_and_loathing_in_las_vegas_ , which was disastrously committed to film last year by terry gilliam . with the similar failure of _breakfast_of_champions_ , will hollywood ever learn that books labeled " unfilmable " inevitably results in a film that is unwatchable ? likely not . suicide is pointless , everyone should know that . so what's this movie like ? you guessed it . . . pointless . the virgin suicides focuses on the lives of the five lisbon sisters , from the perspective of the teenage boys who are fascinated by them . when the youngest lisbon sister commits suicide , it sets in motion a series of events that will change the lives of many people forever . that's what the press materials for the film probably say . now here's what i say : the virgin suicides is a huge waste of time . boring , arty , pretentious junk that is about as entertaining as . . . well as committing suicide . the movie lost me early on , immediately following the scene where the younger daughter jumps to her death from her bedroom window . the girl's father ( james woods ) holds her lifeless body in his arms as their horrified family looks on . then , as the scene ends , the lawn sprinklers come on . is that a joke ? is that supposed to be amusing in some way ? from then on , the movie failed to draw me back in . performances are the only saving grace of the virgin suicides . woods plays the only character who would actually interest me when he came onscreen , but the performance of kirsten dunst as the next youngest daughter lux is worth mentioning as well . dunst has the potential to be a big star , if she chooses her projects well . and while this film is awful , she manages to come away from it virtually unscathed . there are also a few cameos in the film here and there , which only frustrate the audience as they leave you wanting more . as a result , they all seem rather pointless ( although there's a brief role given to michael pare from eddie and the cruisers which turns out to be his best role since . . . well since eddie and the cruisers ) . perhaps the virgin suicides would have worked had the story not been told from the point of view of people who had very little access to the main characters . we never get any significant insight into the girls and why they might be feeling what they're feeling . all we really know is that mrs . lisbon ( kathleen turner ) is strict and keeps them on a short leash . what mother doesn't ? it's certainly no reason to commit suicide . with the godfather part iii , sofia coppola proved that she had no business being in front of the camera . with the virgin suicides , she proves she has no business behind it either . having family connections doesn't entitle you to be allowed to make movies . so attention film directors . . . stop letting your daughters pout their way into the industry . just because they share your dna doesn't mean they share your talent . [r] the realm of science fiction has always been an allegory of political and or moral sensibilities . the best tales of the genre deal with mankind's struggle for survival or knowledge . such popular and noteworthy tomes as " stranger in a strange land " by robert heinlein , " childhood's end " by arthur c . clarke and " man in the high castle " and " do androids dream of electric sheep " by philip k . dick all deal with man's need for identity and struggle for self worth . hollywood has regularly adapted the milieu ( if not the message ) of science fiction since it's beginnings . most films just created fancy pulp tales with no more thought that the escapism they achieved . it really wasn't until producer george pal , took charge of robert heinlein's novel " rocketship galileo " and crafted the film " destination moon " , that 'sci-fi' ( as it is commonly referred to ) , came into it's own . from there , such diverse filmmakers as roger corman to stanley kubrick , have sought to express ideas through the medium of the genre . with the release of touchstone pictures " mission to mars " , we have an unabashedly nonchalant sci-fi film for those who read the national enquirer and the globe . the film opens on a summer barbecue , as phil ohlmyer ( jerry o'connell ) woos a young female with his tales of space glory and the upcoming mission . woody blake ( tim robbins ) and his wife terri ( connie nielsen ) commit to his coming authority on the mission , and luc goddard ( don cheadle ) consoles his son . entering the party is jim mcconnell ( gary sinise ) , who gave up command of the mission due to the untimely death of his wife , maggie ( kim delaney ) . luc consoles jim with woody's assistance . the three men are friends and carry a fine bond of trust and caring between them . but jim still longs to set foot on the red planet . the mission is in earnest as luc and his team land in the cydonia region of mars . they send out the rover to investigate the area and discover what seems to be water or ice under the surface . going out to investigate , luc and his team approach the famed 'face on mars' . a strange noise emanates from the rock . as the team tries to scan through the rock with radar , a violent wind storm erupts , creating a vortex that kills all members of the team , save for luc . back on the space station orbiting earth , woody and jim receive the information that the mars landing team is missing . luc's interference laden emergency message urges the two men to attempt a second mission to the red planet in the hopes of rescuing the previous team . the second journey to the martian world is fraught with danger . meteorite showers , explosions , and rescues all come into play as the intrepid heroes make there way to the planet's surface . the big question is , is there now or has there ever been intelligent life on mars . and if so , what is its relationship with us ? now for the bad news . the entire plot of " mission to mars " is based almost wholeheartedly on outdated and preposterous national enquirer type martian civilization tripe . the famed 'face on mars' becomes the centerpiece of the film , revealing some of the most harebrained sci-fi pabulum the screen has witnessed . borrowing ideas from such films as " robinson crusoe on mars " ( 1964 ) , quatermass and the pit ( 1967 ) , " 2001 : a space odyssey " , and even mario bava's " planet of the vampires " ( 'terrore nello spazio' ) ( 1965 ) , " mission to mars " is a hodgepodge of ideas that don't add up to a satisfying whole . while some sequences are wonderfully handled and executed , the film remains flat and un-involving . so much time is giving to establishing the lead characters in the film , but to no good use . the performances are all workmen like , with only don cheadle ( as luc ) carrying any sort of real chemistry . gary sinise is wasted in role that requires him to look as if he is experiencing sleep depravation . and the mistaken idea of having jerry o'connell ( as phil ohlmyer ) play his part for comic relief is just too painful to excuse . and the less said about tim robbins called in from home performance the better . he's just having too much fun here to give a damn . the script has a few lapses , namely that after discovering several breaches in the hull of the ship caused by a meteorite shower , no one thinks of checking the fuel tanks or the remainder of the ship for damage . this of course leads to our heroes having to abandon their rescue ship . also , when one character sacrifices himself , the character takes on a religious demeanor that is completely at odds with the situation . but the biggest offence in the film is the horrid , intrusive score by ennio morricone . subtlety is non-existent here . in fact in some scenes the music becomes so extravagant that dialogue is almost drowned out . the only sequence in which the score almost works is during the protracted meteorite shower . the pacing of the film is very leisurely . after the opening introduction of the characters ( which lasts a full 22 minutes ) , we are finally dropped onto the martian surface . then , there is another long pause in the plot for more character development , including an elaborate dance sequence in zero gravity . the film could lose about 30 minutes and actually gain some momentum . there are so many scenes of talking heads , discussing what we already know is going to happen , that it drags the film to a dead stop . the good news is that the film is absolutely sumptuous to look at . the vistas of the planet mars are majestic and awe inspiring . the design of the numerous spacecraft and suits are all expertly drafted , with a level of realism that hasn't been seen since " 2001 : a space odyssey " . the visual effects are just stunning , from the space walk sequences , to the visualization of evolution on earth . the only fault come with the martians themselves , which look more like something out of a plastic model kit than something from another world . director de palma stages some wonderfully creative scenes through out the film . the opening sequence alone in a seemingly un-interrupted cut lasting almost 15 minutes ( an homage' to hitchcock's " rope " ) , as we are introduced to all of the characters . scenes in the rescue ship , with its rotating centrifuge , are just amazing in their execution . but the nagging question , is the final explanation worth all of this sturm und drang . sadly it is not . director brian de palma has crafted an extravagant production . the set design and visual effects are all arresting . but it's the comic strip denouncement that ruin what might have been a fine return to good adventurous , thought provoking science fiction . a disappointing film , but one that might still entertain if you can settle for the visuals . back in february at the monthly los angeles comic book and science fiction convention , new line cinema put on a lavish presentation for its big-screen update of the cult 1960s sci-fi tv show lost in space , complete with in-person appearances by cast members mimi rogers , matt leblanc , lacey chabert , jack johnson , and even gary oldman . that should have set off my warning alarms--the last time such an extravagant film presentation took place at the convention was nearly five years ago , when none other than arnold schwarzenegger made an in-person cameo to peddle . . . last action hero . but no , like millions of others , i bought into the hype and " got lost . " if only i had gotten lost--literally--on the way to theatre and spared myself the tedium of this sloppily slapped-together blockbuster wannabe . you may find yourself wondering if director stephen hopkins and screenwriter akiva goldsman were lost themselves when they made the film . at the convention , goldsman claimed to be a rabid fan of the original television series , and if that really is the case , i'd hate to see what he does with concepts he only has mild interest in . to say that his script lacks narrative cohesion is to imply that there is a narrative to begin with--which there most certainly is not . after the setup , in which the robinson family--father john ( william hurt , looking and sounding as spaced out as he does in interviews ) , mother maureen ( rogers , wasted ) , daughters judy ( heather graham , ditto ) and penny ( a heavily made-up chabert , looking like a junior version of neve campbell in wild things ) , and son will ( young newcomer johnson , making the best of it ) --and pilot don west ( leblanc , doing a bad han solo impression ) find themselves lost in space after their ship is sabotaged by evil stowaway dr . smith ( a watered-down but still-lively oldman , cashing a paycheck and loving every minute ) , the script's " stream " of events becomes so fragmented and random that it seems to be made up as it goes along--and hopkins does little to make what does go on the slightest bit interesting . they encounter another ship . they board it . alien spiders attack them . they return to their ship . the other one explodes . they land on a deserted planet . and so on . an attempt at a plot involving time travel occurs in the third act , but goldsman doesn't seem to understand the rules that come with using such a story device ; when one character's past self dies , the future incarnation inexplicably lives on . the look and effects should be lost in space's ace-in-the-hole , but hopkins even manages to botch that . for a big-budget film , the visual effects are incredibly shoddy . in one composite background shot , i could see the blue outline around oldman ; the various digital effects for the space battle scenes look like . . . digital effects . but nothing in those shots is as jaw-droppingly unconvincing as blawp , a monkey-like space creature that becomes penny's pet . entirely computer-generated and every inch showing it , blawp looks like it was lifted directly from a sony playstation game . apparently hopkins thought the same and tried desperately to hide it ; how else can one explain the graininess of blawp's composite shots with the human actors ? but in doing so , the seams are that much more obvious . you have to be severely visually impaired to not be distracted when a grainy shot of penny and blawp is immediately followed by a crystal-clear solo reaction shot of judy . new line is hoping lost in space will become a big franchise much like the long-running star trek cash cow at paramount . i don't think so . in a few years , the lost in space movie will likely live on not as a series but as the obscure answer to a trivia question : what film ended titanic's 15-week reign at the top of the weekend box office ? the working title for no looking back was long time , nothing new , and rarely has there been a more apt name for a motion picture . even though this movie clocks in at a relatively skinny 96 minutes , it seems to run long enough to engulf two titanics . writer/director edward burns has trotted out a hackneyed storyline , the trajectory of which will be instantly recognizable to anyone who hasn't spent their life in seclusion . instead of tweaking the formula a little to invigorate the proceedings , burns is content to allow the film to ramble aimlessly towards its irritatingly predictable conclusion , offering precious few momentary pleasures along the way . no looking back is dominated by three very dislikable characters whose constant presence on the screen is painful . the most appropriate ending would have been a triple suicide , and the sooner , the better . alas , that's not the case , and those who stick with this film for its entire length will be forced to endure the prolonged company of this wretched trio . and , to further depress audiences , burns has shot the entire film on cold , rainy days in a gray new york state beach town . peeks of sunshine are few and far between . no wonder the characters are all so miserable . first of all , we have charlie ( burns ) , a generation x slacker who abandoned his girlfriend three years ago after she had an abortion , then spent some time bumming around in california before deciding to come home . that girlfriend is claudia ( lauren holly ) , and , after picking up the pieces of her life following charlie's departure , she has moved on , shacking up with one of charlie's old school buddies , mike ( jon bon jovi ) . the two have a comfortable relationship , but it's apparent to even a blind person that they're not right for each other . claudia years for some spice in her life ; mike wants to settle down and have children . then charlie re-enters the mix . so who , if anyone , will claudia end up with ? who cares ? ? no looking back goes to extraordinary lengths to make sure that we're not especially interested in the outcome of the romantic triangle . so what if no one finds happiness -- these characters don't deserve it anyway , especially after wasting 90 minutes of our time . they aren't real people -- they're a writer's construct stumbling through a too-obvious storyline . they should know the ending as well as we do . and burns should have given his audience more credit and presented them with a plot that at least offered a surprise or two . another frustrating thing about no looking back is that burns has populated the film with a group of potentially-interesting supporting characters . blythe danner is solid as claudia's housebound mother , connie britton is suitably high-strung as claudia's neurotic sister , and jennifer esposito is eye-catching as a bartender in search of a little romance . sadly , all we get is quick glimpses into their lives , although a movie about any of them would have been far more intriguing than the story burns has chosen to tell . none of the lead performers are going to wow critics with their thespian attributes . edward burns is pushing the edge of his limited range here . jon bon jovi shows more acting ability than one might reasonably expect from a singer branching into a different career , but he could still use a little polish . the worst case is lauren holly , who presents a completely bland claudia . as portrayed here , she's hardly the kind of woman who would inspire even a moment's interest , not to mention undying love . burns' ex , the monumentally untalented maxine bahns , would have been hard-pressed to do a less inspired job . when he released the brothers mcmullen , edward burns was revered as the wunderkind of the 1995 sundance film festival ( robert redford has apparently stuck with him -- the aging actor/director executive produced this mess ) . two films and three short years later , the luster has faded . some movie makers have only one good film in them . with back- to-back duds like she's the one and no looking back to follow the delightful brothers , burns is beginning to look like a member of that undistinguished club . the job of the film critic is to see a movie and write a review of it that tells you what it's about and why it's good or bad . i feel kind of embarrassed to admit this , but i after having seen " get carter " i really can't tell you what it's about although i could go on and on about how and why it's a bad movie . " get carter " falls into that category of ? movies that continue to be made for reasons unknown to anyone outside of a hollywood executive board room . you might call them the " steven seagal/mickey rourke/jean-claude van damme/wesley snipes school of mediocre action/crime thrillers . " you know - the potboilers that are heavy on fistfights , shoot-outs and car chases but really light on plot and character development . they have stories where the so-called hero just keeps running into characters who have some connection to one of the other characters who are all antagonists without a reason for being in the movie other than to give the protagonist someone to fight , chase or shoot at . sylvester stallone stars as jack carter , a las vegas-based mob enforcer who returns home * for his brother's funeral . he believes his brother ? richie was " taken out " and didn't die from a dwi accident . carter's one of the most cliche bad-asses ever captured on celluloid . his face alone is pretty intimidating and there's quite a few scenes in which he leans on both regular citizens and criminal lowlives simply by staring them down and speaking with confidence in his " rambo-on-testosterone-therapy " voice . stallone's performance in this movie is so forced and unnatural he doesn't realize he's mocking himself . the actual story involves carter's investigation into his brother richie's death . he's in a town that's not his but somehow the local top dogs know him very well . mickey rourke co-stars as one of these characters , a sort of crime boss who has something to do with running a porno web site and blackmailing a young internet tycoon ( played by alan cummings looking and acting a lot like pee wee herman ) . there's also another plot involving richie's mistress , a secret cd-rom with some convicting and disturbing evidence on it and something terrible involving one of carter's still-living relatives . i'm rolling my eyes just thinking about trying to critique all this in a way that could be remotely comprehendible . i could just rip the screenplay to shreds , plus the direction or the editing or the production values but that would require discussion of nearly every scene in order to explain it all . i don't like to put spoliers in my reviews either intentionally or accidentally . yes , " get carter " is just that complicated and complex . and what's worse is that it's not this intricate to make it seem smart like " the usual suspects " for example - just the opposite . you get the feeling whoever wrote this script did it in short intervals spaced far apart and they probably didn't remember what had already happened and didn't figure out how each scene would lead in to the next one or how the major plot points would work towards the climax . all you really need to know is that most of the film is just scenes of carter tracking down one scumbag or supposed witness after another , asking them what they know , getting information and then realizing that if he wasn't a complete idiot he could have figured it out in the first five minutes . although the supporting characters are equally stupid themselves since they tell him everything which comes back to haunt them in one violent way or another . making a movie entirely about criminals doesn't necessarily mean they have to be unlikable and cliche cutout characters . mel gibson starred in " payback " a few years ago that had a story not unlike this one but had such a good screenplay you couldn't help but like him even though he was just as bad a guy as jack carter . so ultimately " get carter " fails for pretty much every selling point it has . carter is not a likable character and you really don't care if he gets revenge or not . the action sequences are not at all exciting or original . the enemies and their massive conspiracy are not threatening at all ( c'mon , you know who's going to win every brawl and shoot-out and car chase ) . in the end you don't feel nearly satisfied with the results . the filmmakers did a good job in doing everything as unoriginal as possible . * the city is never mentioned by name but i assume it's seattle since all the cars have washington license plates and it's always raining . i've got to admit it . . . i'm a huge jim carrey fan . i loved the first ace ventura , as well as the mask and dumb and dumber--and even in batman forever ( which was a pretty awful movie ) , carrey was one of the few people to come off looking reasonably good . until i saw ace ventura 2 , i had no idea how people could find the guy annoying . sadly , ace ventura 2 shows just how irritating and annoying carrey can be . carrey goes through the same schtick he went through in the first ace movie , but this time it is no longer funny--it is just a rehash of many of the same jokes used in ace i . the plot sees pet detective ace ventura retiring after failing to save a raccoon ( in a reasonable cliffhanger spoof ) . soon he is called out of retirement to find a bat which was kidnapped and , if not returned in four days , will cause two warring african tribes to destroy each other . once again , it's up to ace to save the day , using his uncanny detective skills . those who have been disappointed by carrey's more restrained roles in the films following the first ace ventura may be glad to see him over-acting to the best of his ability , but some may be disappointed by the fact that this sequel doesn't capture the feel of the original . the original benefited from what looked to be carrey's constant hyped-up improv sequences , which were hysterically funny . here , however , the tighter script ( which is reminiscent of the old disney telemovies ) takes the improvised material from the first , and shamelessly recycles it in the new movie , giving carrey little chance to improvise . instead , his extremely funny manner has been reduced to just walking around stupidly . but one of the biggest problems i had was with the character of ventura himself . in the first movie , he was always cool , and one step ahead of every one else--perfect for carrey's off-the-wall approach . but here , ventura is made to look a lot stupider , and is often made out as the straight guy--a role which is definitely not carrey's style . there are definitely some very funny moments , but they are few and far between . they are also nowhere near as funny as anything carrey did in the first ace ventura , or even dumb and dumber . for about twenty minutes into mission impossible 2 director john woo ( the killer , hard boiled , face off ) appears to have made an exciting , elegant , charming spy thriller , kind of a post millennium james bond adventure with a strapping american ( read : unsophisticated ) hero more willing to drop kick villains than out fox them . sadly , as the picture progresses , the final product begins to bear a closer resemblance to a souped up , two-hour long episode of magyuver . and not a particularly good one at that . what went wrong ? mi2 begins flashily enough , that initial flash leading us to believe that it'll soon give way to something of a plot , but it only gives way to more flash , then digresses further into a presumably unintentional parody of itself with much slo mo posturing and countless action set pieces wherein bad guys seem to deliberately leap into the way of tom cruise's firing gun just so they can die really cool . early on , during a car chase between soon to be lovers ethan hunt ( tom cruise ) and nyah nordoff-hall ( thandie newton ) , woo works some of his trademark magic . in one hypnotic , though completely inexplicable sequence , the director slows the action down to a languid semi-stall as cruise and his stunning opponent stare into one and other's eyes with come hither sexuality ? ? ? just as their respective cars smash and spin in accordance , coming ever so close to toppling over a neighboring cliff . prior to this we see the famed trailer opener of cruise climbing a steep mountain , sans scaffolding , then leaping from one jagged rock formation to another . why ? i haven't the foggiest . i doubt even john woo could provide you with a logical reply . with mi2 woo has become a slave to the summer movie machine , the one that jettisons logic for gravity defying effects and story for more gravity defying effects . it's possible that these " spies " could be adrenaline junkies climbing mountains and crashing into each other as means to get off , though of course this is never explored . the scenes i've described are really only included to titillate , not to give any insight into character . god forbid . woo certainly knows how to make each set piece energetic , but they remain individual set pieces never connecting to form anything more than splices of beer commercial-like visuals . still in terms of crackerjack eye candy , the opening has much to cherish . cruise and newton first meet during a vigorous flamenco dance featuring several welcome woo devices ( the graceful slow mo artistry of synchronized movement juxtaposed against the stage 1 romance of two attractive individuals discovering how attractive the other is ) . between the frantic dancing , woo trains his camera on cruise and newton as they make with some sensuous eye contact . the scene is a little over the top in a bon jovi music video circa 1988 kind of way , yet it has style and something of soul , and woo casts a bit of a spell on us . sure it's all smoke and mirrors , but we can see that there happens to be a talented maestro behind this particular product . thandie and cruise later meet in a bathtub in a scene that's about half as playfully charming as the jennifer lopez \ george cloony trunk meeting in out of sight . they flirt and exchange obvious double entendres . newton bats her eyes flirtatiously . cruise grins a little too slyly . the cruise character , ethan hunt , has been drastically altered since the first film . here cruise plays him more as a hip , sexual dynamo than the square jawed robot he impersonated in part 1 . he's cool and dashing , which is precisely the kind of role we want to see cruise in after watching him sleep walk through eyes wide shut ( which might just be the longest episode of red show diaries ever committed to film ) , and blustered his way through magnolia ( quite possibly the most overrated performance of the 90's ) . sadly as the film progresses we see less of cruise's initial " i'm the man ! " charm and more slo-mo close-ups of his preening mug . mi2 falls apart on nearly every level during its repetitious third act , which is essentially one hour long action sequence that just won't stop . the whole thing commences with an utterly generic gun battle ( the first gun fight in the film ) , which really should be unheard of in a john woo film , but alas this particular battle could've been staged by anyone from renny harlin to joseph merhi ( of course excepting the " symbolic " pigeons who seem to find their way into every john woo picture ) . we've all seen guys slide across the floor in slo mo while firing a gun in each hand . it isn't done any differently here . the action is pure hard target \ broken arrow theatrics with nothing to propel it but the apparent need to see tom cruise drop kick face less villains while his hair whips stylishly in the wind . he's cool for sure but he's made to be as empty as the movie . the actor isn't used so much for his boyish appeal as for his chiseled looks ; he smiles narcissistically into the camera at literally any moment , be it during a gunfight , before one or after one . when he's not beaming away , he's staring into the lens with cold eyes trying to look mad as hell , but woo's editing seriously undermines the effort . he fetishizes cruise's angular face with such glee that it turns into a naked gun style spoof . i half expected cruise to peel off his facemask and reveal that he's really austin powers . in a classic woo action moment , ethan hunt struts past a fiery doorway glaring at the baddies within its frame like a pin-up boy angel of death . the gunfight turns into a daring escape which turns into a reckless mission which turns into a motorcycle attack in which bad guys seem to angle directly for cruise to kill them like some kind of mass suicide ritual ( one dumb bastard even jumps his bike over the gun toting cruise , basically inviting our handsome hero to shoot him in mid air which he does ) . the lead bad guy ( played by the appropriately british dougray scott ) and cruise face off in a mentally deficient game of chicken ? ? ? on motorcycles . though instead of jumping off to the side at the last moment , the two grown men leap directly into the other giving each other a mid air bear hug , only to fly about a hundred feet ( still in bear hug position ) , land on a beach below and begin a mano-e-mano fist fight that ends with the bad guy pulling a " so you thought i was dead . . . " . not to worry , cruise takes care of the problem without even breaking a sweat . what a hero ! you may have noticed that i opted not to describe an iota of mi2's plot . my reasoning is simple : i'm not sure of any good it would do . the film itself has absolutely no concern with story , only with hurtling forth to the next " special " effect . i wasn't kidding when i told a friend of mine that mi2 has less plot than the average aerosmith video . nobody will go to this for the plot , and if they do they'll surely regret it . as summer movies evolve ( or devolve ) character and plot have become increasingly whittled down to nearly nothing . in mi , the plot seemed to be built around brian de palma's ( that film's director ) stylistic flourishes , while in mi2 the plot only serves to give us an intermittent breather from woo's non-stop masturbatory pandemonium . it's irrelevant in every sense , as is character . all that ultimately matters are those pesky smoke and mirrors . every now and then , reviewers are faced with the films that are hard to be properly reviewed . most of the time it happens with films that leave so overwhelming impact , either good or bad , that in the end reviewers must work hard to express his thoughts or feelings . but , sometimes it can happen for rather trivial reasons . i love trouble happened to be one of such occasions for the author of this review . the impression left by the film wasn't overwhelming - on the contrary , there were hardly any impression at all , since i had real trouble keeping myself awake while watching it . which surprise me to this day , because the movie theatre was full , i was close to sound speakers , the show wasn't late and i didn't lack sleep before the show . such things happen very rarely to me , and , after many years , the closest thing to solution to this mystery is probably the quality of the film itself . the plot revolves around two rival chicago reporters - old peter brackett ( nick nolte ) and young , aspiring sabrina peterson ( julia roberts ) . two of them are assigned to cover the train collision . as soon as they meet , they start scooping each other , but during the process they both discover sinister plot involving cancerogenic milk , and also the romantic feelings they have for each other . the plot in this film is rather secondary to its real raison d' ? tre - romantic pairing reminiscent of classical screwball comedies starring spencer tracy and katharine hepburn . movie author , director and screenwriter charles shyer , who had some experiences with turning the screwball spirit into modern setting with father of the bride , tries again , this time pairing old nick nolte with young julia roberts . however , although there is some chemistry between the two , soon it stops to arouse any interest . it probably happens due to poorly executed genre mix , that collides light-hearted romantic comedy with rather uninteresting plot suitable to pure action thrillers . shyer as director fails to make the proper transition between the two , and fails in both areas , making the story cliched and predictable . the end result is rather forgettable effort , which convinced me not to watch movie again . i'll give it the benefit of the doubt , though . the only two really good things that i can say about tarzan and the lost city are as follows : jane march was very cute as jane , and the movie was thankfully under 90 minutes in length . if you haven't already figured it out , i didn't like this movie very much . the plot was boring and contrived to the extreme . tarzan ( casper van dien ) has now left the jungle and living in civilized society . he is just days away from his impending marriage to jane , played by the aptly named jane march . back in his former home of africa , a group of looters has found the key to locating a lost city . ( mind you i never really figured out why they actually wanted to find this city . ) anyway , tarzan's old jungle friend appears to him in a vision . tarzan realizes that he must return to africa to help stop the bad guys from finding the lost city . he leaves jane ( his first mistake , in my opinion ) and travels to africa . of course , jane is hot on her ape man's heals . the two of them are reunited in africa where they do battle with the bad guys . sound like a dumb explanation of the plot ? it's actually an improvement over the real thing . the acting is just plain awful . i'm not quite sure what casper van dien was doing in this film , but it wasn't acting . jane march wasn't a heck of a lot better , but at least she is easy on the eyes . compounding the bad acting was the fact that in many places the dialogue had obviously been re-recorded , and i've seen better dubbing in some old bruce lee movies . added to the sound problems was the cinematography . this film was filled with beautiful african scenery . but the panoramic scenery shots looked overexposed to me . quite frankly , i think you could probably do a better job capturing the beauty of africa with a camcorder than this bunch did with professional film equipment . then we have the special effects . " special effects in a tarzan movie ? " you are no doubt asking yourself ? yes friends , the writers injected some very out of place supernatural elements into the story . probably for the sake of using cgi , since it did nothing but hurt the story . in most parts , they weren't bad , just nothing special . but , they were more than a little on the hokey side . except of course , when we got to the ridiculous climax of this movie . the grand finale's special effects went right into the toilet at that point . it almost looked like they had run out of money . these effects were of noticeably lower quality than those in the rest of the film and looked like something in an amateur video production . i took one lesson away from watching tarzan and the lost city -- ape men and bones that morph into skeletal warriors don't mix . stay far away from this version of tarzan . silly performances and some huge gaps in logic mar an otherwise interesting tale of an eclectic group of people stranded at " the last stop cafe and motel " due to heavy snowfall . one of the stranded is a colorado state highway patrolman ( adam beach ) who discovers a murder scene and a bag full of cash from a recent bank robbery . someone amongst the group of strangers is a bank robber and a murderer , but is it the same person or are there multiple criminals ? adam beach unfortunately was the wrong choice for the lead in this film . he doesn't play the role with enough seriousness to be believable or enough goofiness for it to be funny . his performance is stuck somewhere in the middle , and this film really needed it to be on one side or the other . rose mcgowan is cold and unpleasant to the eye as always , and jurgen prochnow . . . what on earth is he doing in this ? best performance comes from william s . taylor as a cheesy ( yet still somehow cool and confident ) wayne newton drifter type . the last stop is available on dvd from sterling home entertainment . as usual with sterling , they've filled out this dvd with extra features . the disc contains the film in its original aspect ratio of 1 . 85 : 1 , a choice of 2 . 0 dolby surround sound or 5 . 1 dolby digital surround sound , a full length audio commentary track with director mark malone , interviews with the cast and crew , the original trailer , and the usual cast and crew biographies . the film itself might not be the greatest , but sterling's effort of adding decent extra features while keeping the price affordable ( suggested retail of $19 . 95 ) makes this dvd worth the money . [r] so i went and saw this film right , it was called " battlefield : earth " , i was never interested in the previews , and never too terribly interested in the book , nor do i find scientology interesting , but after reading advanced reviews of how bad this film really is , i had that weird urge just to watch it . well let me be the first to say , and so far in my view it's safe to say : battlefield : earth might be the worst film i have ever seen , yes even worse than " mr . magoo " , " blue in the face " , or " jaws : the revenge " . roger christianson whos credits include set direction , and art direction for such great films as " alien " and " star wars " , directs this film with such amateurism , that the film looks and feels and in fact sounds so dumb , that it's quite depressing . the look of the film , is dark and drabby at times , but then bright and happy at other times . the sound is terrible , and has the worst surround sound effects i've heard . the acting is nothing , the dialogue poor , and the make-up effects hideous . here's the so-called plot : earth 3000 . . . . man is a endangered species , while aliens from the planet psychlo ( the aliens are named psychlo . . . i wonder why ? ! ) are invading earth , destined to put an end to those " man-animals " to an end , and destroy earth once and for all , of course we have our typical hero ( played terrible by barry pepper , who was great in a small role in 1999's " the green mile " ) who is destined to go out , and save his planet ! one thing : he has to go up against , terl , the chief of security psychlo , who is played frankly , quite bad by john travolta , whom with dreadlocks , a big head , and green eyes just doesn't work . of course the sidekick to terl , is played by ( lol ! ! ) forest whitaker , who looks like a deformed werewolf of some kind . our friendly human johnny ( barry pepper ) looks just as bad as well , with long scraggly hair . i'm not really sure how to quite explain the badness of this film , except just to say it's terrible . everything in this film is imcomprehinsable , from the make-up effects , which by the way aren't good , to the phony looking special effects , everything in this film is faulted . in fact i don't remember one part in this entire movie where i was having a good time , or enjoying myself . in fact there is no part in the movie that i liked or enjoyed . throughout the entire 127 minute running time , i was dying , constantly looking at my watch , and hoping maybe the projectioner would blow a bulb or something , sadly it didn't . my advice to hollywood : get new scripts , new acting classes , better directors and damnit , make films like american beauty more . by phil curtolo " madonna - antonio banderas - jonathan price - in an alan parker film - with music from andrew lloyd weber - and lyrics by tim rice - evita . " now i have to admit , the trailer for this rock-opera-turned-major motion picture is almost breath-taking for some . the soundtrack is wonderful to listen to . so why wouldn't the movie be wonderful to see . simple , a little over 2 hours of constant singing can almost drive you insane . the story of eva duarte ( madonna ) , evita is full of drama that's trapped inside by all the notes and chords . she was an orphaned child who ends up becoming a hooker , then goes into the field of acting , and finally meets juan peron ( price ) , the soon-to-be first president of argentina . they fall in love and eventually marry . sounds pretty good , doesn't it . well the story gets better , as eva goes on the " rainbow tour " across europe , trying to win respect . eva duarte was a wonderful lady . however , all of the drama-packed moments above were never understood because the actors and actresses sang to fast to be understood . i went into theater 4 at magic cinemas with the attitude that evita was going to be terribly boring and i left with happy , because i was right . they only thing that kept me awake during the movie was the loud bangs of the drums and strums of the guitar . although it did come off as dull , the beautiful cinematography is eye-catching , as was madonna's performance . as the " spiritual leader of argentina , " madonna would have definitely been an oscar-contender had she spoken a single line . but her chance was taken away with the stubbornness of making an exact replica of the broadway musical a film . don't get me wrong and don't look at my grade . i am not a big fan of musicals on the big screen . if you're going to pay to see a movie , you want to see a movie . now i have to admit , it's a lot cheaper to pay $5 than $200 plus to see the play , but that's what did me in . all this review contains is my opinion and my grade was set before i even saw the movie . now you may be saying , " what kind of critic is he ? , " and you're right . as a critic , i should have given the movie a chance . but as a 17-year old quentin tarantino fan , it was way too hard . , i have never seen a man so in love with himself than george lucas . with the overt success of the three original star wars films , lucas has become , not necessarily a filmmaker , but the head cheeze at a huge toy company , with the phantom menace the new product on the shelve . only this toy was made for $115 million , but every kid wants it , and , like all other expensive toys , falls apart within an hour after playing with it . the product in question , star wars episode 1 : the phantom menace ( jeez ! ) , is pure and simple : its about the money , baby ! no one in their right mind would create such a fiasco if they knew it wouldn't make a ton of money before its fourth week of release . i come to the sw franchise as a stranger , since i have absolutely no idea why the sw movies are so popular . i find them rather boring and full of nothing but eye candy . phantom menace is like the first sw , minus 10 . nothing in the whole concept is remotely enjoyable . even the special effects seem rather bland . the story in this new one is a mindless mess . . . the acting wooden . . . and the action sequences like something out of a video game . sw : phantom menace is one of the worst films of the year so far . with a title like sw e1 : tpm , lucas has one big head on those shoulders . i thought chris carter did for releasing an x-files movie , although , that movie adaptation was an excellent way to spend two hours . pm is one long headache . an affluent horse breeder's past comes up to haunt him ; an ages old cover-up and blackmail comes back to haunt him at the hands of one of his accomplices . that's pretty much the essence of the movie and i have to say that it becomes quite boring at times and is very slow . that aside the story was well presented and probably quite close and representative of its source . the acting in particular i found very good , the character development was also quite interesting but alas the story simply did not hold my interest enough for me to get into the movie . a few things about the story didn't sit very well with me for example the original scam and cover-up heavily involved the character played by sharon stone , yet in the end her character played a relatively small role and it seems she should have been utilized more to further the story along better . on the flip side the character played by catherine keener i found to be very interesting and i thought that it was developed very well and helped the story a lot . the character's aside this movie had some interesting merits but in the end it lacked in story and pacing . as far as the acting and casting for this movie is concerned i have to say that the choices of nick nolte and jeff bridges were great as well as that of catherine keener . all these people acted their parts admirably , as for the part that sharon stone played , she played it well but the part was not utilized enough . the directing for this movie is something that i have to comment on because for once in a long while you see a director actually add a very distinctive flavor to a movie , this is one of those occasions . matthew warchus in my opinion added an interesting touch and spin to the movie and i think he tackled a touch subject ( i myself wouldn't be able to look at horseracing and make a movie out of it ) . there is a certain flavor about this movie and i think that the direction of the movie is the reason for this . the one flaw that i do have to comment on is the pacing , the subject matter in my opinion wasn't interesting enough on its own to have this kind of flavoring and directorial touch about it . i certainly hope that the director makes more movies as this does show promise even if i myself don't like it . all in all i found this movie boring and very slow , the acting was good but the story just didn't evolve enough and wasn't captivating enough to make simpatico an enjoyable movie to watch . although there is much going for the movie i didn't find it good even though i see the merits and style used and can compliment the movie on them . i wouldn't recommend this movie to anyone but if you are a horse fanatic or a racing fanatic then you will most likely enjoy this movie . a fullyloaded entertainment review : website coming soon ! hunter s . thompson's fear and loathing in las vegas , written in 1971 , is already an american classic ; not merely because it was an unadulterated journey through the post-psychedelia of the 1960's , but also because it ushered in a new form of journalism known as " gonzo " . soon after the book was written , hunter s . thomspon became the basis for a character in doonesbury known as uncle duke . and that is the problem with fear and loathing in las vegas ( the movie . ) although the book is one of my favorites , i now agree with thompson's own assessment of the novel as " unfilmable . " the main problem is that the book , although detailing wild drug use and tripped-out adventures , was not written on the road . it was written and edited by hunter s . thomspons , relatively sober , at his home . so although the book depicts drug use and still more drug use , it is told with a sense of aloofness and some humor . hunter s . thomspon , the narrator , while always drugged out , still has a grip on reality , and can still tell , with journalistic ability , what is going on around him . not so with the characters in fear and loathing in las vegas . despite name changes and one minor scene from the book dropped , the movie is an exact duplicate of the book , in terms of dialouge . unfortunately , this can get annoying , in the form of johnny depp's ( who plays thompson ) excessive narration . and the characters , while having vivid personalities , are played as 2-d characers on the screen : dr . raoul duke ( johnny depp , the name raoul duke was an alias of thompson's ) and his riding companion , dr . gonzo ( benicio del toro ) , who is a large samoan lawyer , have no personalities or emotions at all , save for stoned . the film is very faithful to the plot ( what there is ) of the book , in that dr . raoul duke is sent by sports illustrated to cover the mint 400 , and takes along not only his samoan lawyer but also car trunk full of drugs . from there , one set of stoned adventures after another happens , including one of the few good scenes in which depp , high on acid , watches all the people in the bar around him turn into , literally , lounge lizards . while the movie has its moments ( few ) , it is almost unwatchable at parts , especially towards the end . despite a lot of celebrity cameos , the stars never get off the ground . the set decoration and costumes are great , and probably deserve an oscar nomination . however , as we all know , it's not sets or effects that make a movie , its the characters ; and quite frankly , these characters are no good . filmmakers will use all manner of tricks to flesh out and brighten up a dull , dreary , and overused idea . doug liman ( swingers ) , director of the ultra-hip and severely dark comedy go , is an example of just such a filmmaker . in his latest , he gives the viewers a raucous , neon-lit backdrop as cinematographer and points the audience down a drug-infested path of misadventure as director . but he fails to come up with any parallel structure in his multi-tiered movie and he fails to connect with the audience on any level , bringing the worth of his efforts to nil and the value of go to about the same . his movie is produced anthology-style -- telling the same story from multiple ( three ) points of view , much as an author might write a serial novel . consistent with this ethic , liman and screenwriter john august provide a bit of an overlap at the beginning of each narrative and insert brief connections to other narratives . the thread that laces the three stories together is a drug deal and the events thereafter . in story a we have checkout clerk ronna ( sarah polley ) looking to score some rent money and turning to drug trafficking to do it ; in story b we have regular drug dealer simon ( desmond askew ) gone to las vegas giving ronna her opportunity ; and in story c we have gay soap actors zack ( jay mohr ) and adam ( scott wolf ) working undercover for the police to bust said drug deal . neither of the three stories have much substance , and the movie has the feel of a campfire story ( albeit a rather strange one ) that could be told in five to ten minutes . ( in fact , the movie was originally a short film entitled x expanded to feature length . ) the early april release date is too mistimed to capitalize on the movie's christmas setting , and the los angeles/las vegas nightlife is something too far from the mainstream for most theater-goers to attach themselves to . the characters are shallow to the point of prerequisite , and performances from little-known players like polley , askew , and taye diggs don't help or hurt the roles . in fact , even bigger names like mohr , wolf , and katie holmes don't have enough time to make substantial success . although that's almost expected for lack of continuous screen time , the success in the picture should come from a thread that binds the stories . go doesn't have this , and it suffers because of it . as far as teen movies are concerned , go represents the absolute bottom , for its constant stream of indecipherable light and sound mean nothing without some sort of common theme . ( the following do not count as common themes : drug deals , people attempting to have romantic interludes with drug dealers , people resorting to drug deals for alterior motives , or people not involved in drug deals stumbling into them . ) at times , the humor in go is sickly funny , and on a low night , almost watchable ; but for the majority of its running time and for most viewers , this movie will best be left to teens at blockbuster on a saturday night . i feel sorry for the financial backers of " waterworld , " which is supposedly the most expensive film ever made ( at $172 million ! ) , and is also one of the stupidest - boy did they get ripped off ! in fact , this film is not really a movie , but more of an amusement park ride with a plot . it's not even just another case of cliches strung together ( well , it is that too ) , it's something that's painful to watch because it relishes in its flaws . kevin costner stars as a man who is some kind of mutant half man/half fish . he is an explorer/mariner on an alternate earth that is completely covered by water because the polar ice caps melted . he's referred to as the mariner , but they " the meaner " would have been a more appropriate title because he's cold , rigid , and strict - and he's supposed the be the good guy ! he docks at a small floating village of sorts . he trades dirt for money and this introduces us to the other important characters . first we meet one of the villains , then the soon-to-be heroine , a child prodigy , a wacky inventor , and a group of primitive people that somehow have some of the technology we have today , but also some of the low-tech tools used by pirates and vikings . immediately the film's biggest flaw is apparent : are these people primitive or highly advanced ? it doesn't seem like anyone can read yet they have ski-doos and airplanes ! how are these things powered ? and if they have airplanes , couldn't they just keep flying until they reached dry land ? also , if the planet is completely covered in water where did they get the materials to make these things ? i'm sorry , i'm all for checking your brain at the door when going to the movies , but elements like these cannot go unnoticed because they draw our attention away from the story and confuse us . there was potential here for a good pirate story set in medieval times before modern technology , so why mix the two together ? it doesn't make any sense . there really isn't much of a plot here because the story moves so quickly it never takes time to explain anything . the only thing we learn is that the prodigy child , enola ( mojorino ) , has a tattoo on her back that is supposedly a map to " dryland . " who put the tattoo there and how come it has taken them this long to figure this out ? we never get an answer , just a stupid action movie about whoever can get the girl will be the victor of sorts if they reach dryland . to make a long , boring , stupid , and just plain bad story short ; the mariner escapes with a woman named helen ( tripplehorn ) and enola . they sail for a long time , encountering some strange people in the process and fight off " the smokers " as lead by the idiot villain deacon ( hopper ) , who kidnaps enola . the story becomes a overly grand adventure with the mariner taking on an army of goons , rescuing enola , and bringing them all to salvation ( how original ) . even with all its special effects , action , and adventure this film is boring . not a single character is likable , therefore neither is the plot . dennis hopper completely rips off jack nicholson's joker , while costner just plain rips . still , " waterworld " is professionally made with a good production design and an original idea but no substance to it . i just hope they don't make a sequel ! to watch `battlefield earth' is to wallow in misery . it is one of the most ludicrously conceived efforts in recent history . it has a clumsily told story , insipid dialogue , shallow characterizations , ugly scene transitions , no evidence of dramatic arc , headache-inducing sound effects , and a resolution that is completely implausible . worse , there's the promise of a sequel . why ? ! save your money . some films go quickly to video . this one , however , should go straight to the sci-fi channel's `mystery science theatre . ' in the year 3000 , man has become an endangered species . most of humanity ( called ? man-animals' ) was destroyed generations ago in a battle against a race of plundering aliens ( called psychlos ) . survivors have either taken up shelter in caves or were enslaved to mine earth's resources for the rest of their lives . the aliens are a menacing looking humanoid species that stand nine-feet tall , who resemble inbred klingons . dimwitted as they are tall , their culture is predicated on power , extortion , and getting ? leverage . ' travolta , the leverage-using star , plays terl , the conniving security chief that oversees the mining facility on earth . much of the movie is spent showing us examples of terl's petty machinations . he routinely employs deception and then punctuates his statements with maniacal laughter . but one thing is certain ; he hates being stationed on earth . when the home planet informs him that he will be spending the rest of his life on this planet , he begins to devise his latest plan . he will select a group of slaves to secretly mine out a gold ore site . it's not clear how this benefits terl , except that it makes him richer in a place where he has no use for it . the scrappy jonnie goodboy tyler ( barry peppers ) is selected as the slave group's leader . a psychlo knowledge machine gives him the mining know-how . but the machine also teaches him other things such as the psychlo language , the principles of our founding fathers , euclidean geometry , and the location of fort knox . this enlightenment just doesn't prepare him for the mining assignment . it also prepares him to organize and stage a massive revolt against their captors . `we're going to blow up their home world , ' he says . `but first , we need a few more supplies . ' in days , he and his comrades evolve from cave dwelling , loincloth wearing , rat eating slaves to fighter pilots and nuclear weapons experts . by now , the audience is laughing as maniacally as terl . the media have been working overtime to let the public know that john travolta's labor of love is a piece of sci-fi drivel . numerous journals have called it an ill-conceived idea stemming from blind hubris , arrogance , and poor planning . and after watching this movie , you'll wholeheartedly agree . this is a terrible film that is illogically constructed , tediously acted , and frequently begs the question : why was this ever made ? at a price tag of $90 million , this film will be remembered as a gigantic folly , assuredly becoming `the avengers' of this summer . both films were unforgivable and this promises to suffer the same speedy fate and subsequent indignity . in addition to the universally pejorative reviews , there's another bizarre element to the `battlefield' saga . this film would never have been made if not for the star power of travolta , who for over a decade , had been trying to persuade studios to bring the story to the big screen . the controversy is that travolta is a scientologist , and `battlefield' is based on a 1982 novel by l . ron hubbard , the religion's late founder . this led some to believe that `battlefield earth' would amount to scientologist dogma , laden with subliminal messages . but the story is so poorly told that any message , subliminal or otherwise , is totally undetectable . if the audience got anything out of this film , it was this : we are not too unlike the psychlo leader . like terl , the audience felt imprisoned , dreaded their situation , and looked for any opportunity to leave . could that be the scientology message ? " you can't have any of this . it's all mine ! " --- a twisted priest ( charles huevelman ) hordes his tasty fried chicken while dana ( angela zimmerly ) looks on uninterested . an evil presence , appropriately named the presence ( dj vivona ) , rules over an alternate dimension where neither angels nor demons can touch him . for kicks , the presence likes to trick a human into rounding up five of his or her friends so they can all be sent to his dimension and be systematically slaughtered . when something goes wrong and one of the presence's recent victims escapes , the angels and demons are alerted to his existence and feel he is a threat that needs to be stopped . they enlist the help of alison ( ramona midgett ) , a recent suicide victim , to return to the flesh and follow the six new enlistees through the ice wall that surrounds the the nether-realm . her mission is to melt away the ice barrier and allow the angels and demons access by reminding the presence of who he once was , an ancient court jester named abraham who lost his job when his king and queen were killed . the king's sorcerer , amblyn ( who also lost his job ) , decided to take abraham under his wing as an apprentice . during the downtime in his unemployment , amblyn decided to create a new dimension where sorcery , evil , and torture ruled . abraham wished to follow his master into this new realm , so he was asked to show his devotion to the evil wizard by murdering his one true love . in this new realm , amblyn would allow abraham to pursue the sport of hunting and destroying the humans that would be brought to this realm . after each murder , abraham would become stronger , until his power surpassed that of amblyn's . because of the screw-up that allowed the recent escape , abraham was able to destroy his master and take control of the realm himself . as alison quests to find abraham and show him the errors of his ways , the six new hapless humans are allowed to live out their worst nightmares and then be brutally murdered . if there's one thing i can't stand when i see a film , it's when the film is pretentious and arty just for the sake of being pretentious and arty . films like eraserhead and begotten are two of the worst examples of this , and now ice from the sun can be added to this list . this film is essentially an 80 minute stalk-and-slash film ( following the dante's inferno idea that your hell corresponds to how you lived your life or any one of the plots to nightmare on elm street 3 through 6 ) intercut with almost 40 minutes of strange and ( supposedly ) haunting images , many of which serve more to confuse than to further the plot . if there aren't bizarre images floating past the screen , then we get pointless shots of a suicidal alison staring at her breakfast for minutes at a time or contemplating whether or not she should answer her phone . compelling , but ultimately not . the opening credits sequence is designed like a music video for some unknown industrial band featuring various random images from the film interspersed with other random images . the credits run the entire length of the song which is almost five minutes and the actual cast listing and other credit information doesn't pop up until near the end of the sequence . when the opening credits began i thought my vcr had accidentally cut off and a interstitial from mtv2 had found its way to my tv . at least the music in the film is pretty decent , made up of mostly industrial and hard rock music and even features a song by ramona midgett . at the beginning of the film it is established that the presence possesses supernatural powers like shooting bullets out of the palms of his hands and decapitating people by waving his hand in front of them ( and he talks like a darth vader clone without the heavy breathing ) . for some reason though , he delegates all of his main stalkings to what seems like the supporting cast of deliverance . one over-alled cretin handles the presence's gravedigging and likes to chop peoples heads off with his shovel , then there's an inbred father ( dwight spurgin ) and his two inbred children ( mark kettler and jennifer poirrier-wallace ) that take care of a young woman who has been transformed into a half dog-half human mix with a shotgun , and of course a big truck driving guy that likes to tie people up naked to the back of his vehicle and drag them across stone roads before pouring salt all over their wounds . why would you want to give responsibilities to a bunch of " rednecks " when you yourself had all of these cool powers ? and how is it that the fellow that screws over all of his buddies is able to round up exactly five friends to complete the number of people required to enter the realm at exactly the same time ? i can barely get more than two together all at once at any given moment . the most ridiculous segment though comes right before the aforementioned dragging/salting sequence . the character in question , dana ( angela zimmely ) , has her turn up to be killed and is standing at the front of a movie theater in which the presence is seated . a priest holding two naked dirty humans on leashes walks in and sits down next to a large platter of fried chicken . he picks up the entire platter and starts to enjoy the chicken , taunting dana as she looks on with no interest whatsoever . when she starts to leave , the priest chides her for going before the performance starts and then something that looks like a either a creature from a gwar show or a terry gilliam animation from monty python come to life , walks out , and makes like it wants to be crucified by her . the presence starts to clap annoyingly ( which continues for the rest of the sequence ) until dana takes off with the strange creature following her . when it finally catches up to her , she stabs it in its giant eyeball and is covered in slimy glop that spurts from the ruptured organ . the box for the film claims " because of the horrifying nature of the motion picture , parental discretion is advised for persons under the age of 18 . contains nudity and graphic violence " . while both is certainly true , there doesn't seem to be much of either in any large amounts . besides a loving close up of a spurting neck stump , a semi-graphic self-surgery scene , and two instances of head trauma ( one run over and one melting ) , most of the gore is just of the spraying blood or bloody wound covered body variety . as for nudity , it is very sparse , but at least we get to see angela zimmerly ( far and away the most attractive cast member ) before her body is bruised , torn , and bloodied by the dragging incident . ice from the sun has been released on vhs by www . b-movie . com . it has been presented in in full-frame only and the transfer ( for a film shot a good deal in 8mm ) is pretty decent . besides the decent soundtrack ( which is also available from www . b-movie . com ) , a making-of video is also available called on thin ice . i haven't had the opportunity to see the documentary , but i actually would have been interested to see what the set was like while all of the shots were being filmed , if only to see how director eric stanze ( director of a similar cult film called savage harvest ) , conducted the atmosphere on set . an 80-year old woman jumps enthusiastically on her couch , wearing tight-fitting leather , as she cheers on her favorite tv wrestler by calling his opponent a `pump-bitch' . two men messily eat fast food as their septic truck leaks raw sewage directly behind them . and roughly 17 people are booted in the crotch . welcome to `ready to rumble' . judging from the fact that potty-mouth adam sandler is the reigning box-office comedy champion , you realize -- albeit while shaking your head -- that yes , there is an audience for this sort of thing . ladies and gentlemen , i weep for society . mind you , when executed with style and comic ingenuity , jokes like an alarming bodily fluid mistaken for hair gel ( `there's something about mary' ) and a laxative-induced attack of explosive diarrhea ( `dumb and dumber' ) can be extremely funny . unfortunately , `ready to rumble' is not being helmed by the farrelly brothers , nor is it bolstered by a script that accommodates the viewer with anything even remotely clever or inspired . `ready to rumble' is built around the dedicated fan-base of professional wrestling . . . . which , in fact , sounded like a fine concept for a goofball comedy . but director brian robbins and screenwriter steven brill handcuff themselves , and limited to a stampede of asinine , humdrum bathroom humor , basically the only thing they manage is to evoke memories of pauly shore and `bio dome' . gordie boggs ( david arquette ) and sean dawkins ( scott caan ) take pride in being hardcore wcw wrestling fanatics . by day , they transport raw sewage . by night ( particularly on ? nitro' monday ) , they pay homage to their personal hero and savior - jimmy king ( oliver platt ) , the undisputed leader of the professional wrestling community . with two tickets to an upcoming nitro performance , gordie and sean are psyched about witnessing the king defend his title first-hand . but unscrupulous boxing kingpin titus sinclair ( joe pantoliano , sporting long hair and cowboy boots ) has other plans . sinclair is plotting to have diamond dallas page ( playing himself ) pummel the king into the tarp , thereby dethroning the dignified wrestler and embarrassing him in front of a bewildered auditorium full of fans . gordie and sean are shocked , rioting madly while arguing `this isn't even a pay-per view event ! ! ' they take it upon themselves to track the king down and supply the encouragement essential for their fallen idol to make a come-back attempt . along the way , you can expect a lot of sh-- jokes as well . you may find something to like in `ready to rumble' if a ) you are a rasslin' aficionado yourself , or b ) you are a dedicated fan of the lowest of low-brow comedies . i welcome low-brow humor with open arms - that is , if its fresh and resourceful . `rumble' is nothing but a sloppy , frightfully unfunny swamp land of misbegotten retardation . the first half-hour is the ultimate test of patience . luckily , the simple-minded events pick up steam , particularly with the well-choreographed wrestling action . director robbins showed a knack for capturing the brutality and excitement of football in `varsity blues' , and when in the ring , he does professional work . but the violence is too excessive . having the fake soap opera of wcw wrestling turn into a bloody skirmish brings back unfortunate memories of owen hart's tragic accident just last year , especially with one character's dive during a cage match . this is not something you want a comedy to be reminiscent of . outside the wrestling action , the lewd jokes and puerile sight gags bring new meaning to the term ? scattershot' , while the dialogue fluctuates in on the vulgarity scale of 1 to 10 , with brill's extensive vocabulary ranging from `diddly' to `boob' and so on . the final tally : i chuckled a few times , groaned a lot , and indulged in one spirited belly laugh involving martin landau as a geriatric wrestling coach who fights pretty impressively for 105 . casting-wise , `ready to rumble' is an odd duck . oliver platt as a champion wrestling figure ? he's perhaps a bit chunky , but fellow wrestlers acknowledge this in the ring by calling him `fatty' , which dampens the blow i suppose . rose mcgowan is fully disposable as a sultry wcw cheerleader ( `the nirto-est of the nitro girls , ' proclaims gordie ) , but extra pep is added with appearances by wrestlers goldberg , `macho man' randy savage and sting ( among others ) . wcw fans are sure to appreciate these . others . . . well , won't . i found merit in david arquette's bountiful energy as gordie , which brings me to my finishing . . . . ahhh . . . . `praise' for the film : in `ready to rumble' , i have discovered something even more annoying than arquette's `at&t' television commercials . now there's a low blow for you . it's a rare treat when a quality horror film is released in the theater . and unfortunately with man's best friend , we'll be waiting a while longer . the film stars ally sheedy and lance henrikson in a tale of bio-genetics gone wrong . sheedy plays a nosy reporter whose need for a " good " story provokes her to snoop inside of emax , a poorly guarded million dollar bio-lab that she finds herself effortlessly intruding . the result : she unleashes the experimental wonder dog named max , a german shepherd with genetic recombination allowing it to swallow like a snake , camouflage like a chameleon , climb trees like a leopard , and attack with the strength of tiger . max takes a liking to sheedy , and she finds herself protecting the animal from the cruel technological realm of emax , owned by henrikson . well , it doesn't take long before the hormonally unstable biohazard unleashes his jowls upon the unsuspecting suburban landscape which offers max juicy leg of mailman , etc . . . sheedy is a boring non-presence on the screen , tripping through the enormous plot chasms neglected by the writer/director ( i apologize for a lack of credits . i suppose i was eager to leave the theater , and in my rush , forgot to take note of the director , writer , producer , etc . . . ) . henrikson offered the only relief from the contrived narration of the script , giving his character as much development as he could considering the flat dialogue plaguing the film . the movie depends upon it's ability to impress the audience with animal special effects , but all it presents is a dog that can growl , open door handles with his paw , sit , roll over , play dead , and sick . the rest of the special effects were so poor , i found them offensive . the film attains sub-mediocrity , an unambitious film at best . horror fans might find that cujo offers a better bite . joe versus the volcano is really one of the worse movies made in very recent memory . the strangest thing is that you would think nothing would go wrong with it . it has a solid cast with tom hanks & meg ryan as the lead roles . but you can never judge a movie by its cast . . . if there is one good thing about joe vs the volcano , it is that the plot is original . unfortunately , it is also incredibly stupid . the movie begins with joe ( tom hanks ) going to work . this opening sequence is very boring and slow . it shows joe walking to his office . but on the way , he has to wait in a long line passing by strange and slightly depressing scenery with obnoxious lighting . a sequence like this should take 2 minutes . here , it takes over 5 . . . it is obvious that joe hates his job . at his office , one of his co-workers is meg ryan . oddly enough , she plays 3 different roles in this movie ! ! joe leaves to go to a doctor's appointment . his doctor informs him that he has a " brain cloud . " this means that in a few months , he will die . so what does joe do ? quit his job , of course ! ! when he arrives home , joe meets an old man named graynamore ( lloyd bridges ) . graynamore tells joe that in order to get some important mineral for his company from an island , the natives need someone to sacrifice to their volcano to please their fire god . by a startling coincidence , the boat trip to the island takes a few months . by the time he reaches the island , he will almost be dead from the " brain cloud " anyway , so joe agrees . graynamore gives joe a credit card to buy everything he needs to go on this " great adventure " . joe goes on a date with meg ryan , his co-worker . the day before the boat trip , joe meets one of graynamore's daughters . she is also , surprise , meg ryan . except she looks more hippyish . they both have dinner and the next day , joe gets driven over to his boat . the lady that sails the boat is another one of graynamore's daughters . and , wonder of wonders , she is also played by meg ryan . as they sail to the island , meg ryan tells joe that the natives of the island have a craving for orange soda . after some stupid talking scenes , they also deduce that graynamore had his doctor be the one that joe went to . and that the " brain cloud " thing was made up ! ! they do plently of cheap special effects on the boat voyage . joe goes fishing and catches a hammerhead shark . this is a cheap gag that has been pulled off many times . but , to top it off , the shark is obviously rubber and fake ! ! one night there is a storm . a cheap-looking lightning bolt strikes the boat and everything is cast overboard . fortunately , joe and meg ryan manage to find some of the luggage that joe brought to sail . by pure luck , they get to the island . since the natives like orange soda , they wear soda cans as attire ! ! stupid or what ? ; ) before joe leaps in the volcano , he gets fed . right before he jumps , meg ryan pleads him not to . when joe decides to , she goes in with him because " she loves him " . now this is where the movie should end . but , unfortunately , the " cheesy ending " bug comes in . the volcano blows the couple out and into the ocean where they land on joe's luggage . they float to another part of the island as they watch lava pouring out of the volcano towards the villagers . i give this movie a . see it only if you're a film buff that enjoys a bad movie every now and then or if you really like tom hanks or meg ryan . . . " be gentle , " urges natasha henstridge to matthew perry in " the whole nine yards . " " i haven't made love in five years . " " neither have i , " rebuts perry . " i'm married ! " if jonathan lynn's latest comedy relied simply on jokes of that caliber--and it certainly tries--then it'd be an innocuous if rather obvious little film . instead , its failings go much deeper . first off , who hasn't had enough of the tough wiseguy intimidates the timid wise guy genre ? if you want to make a pretty penny or two in hollywood nowadays simply write a " comedy " which pairs a robert de niro/james caan/bruce willis type with a billy crystal/hugh grant/matthew perry type and wait for the royalties to roll in . who's next ? jack nicholson and martin short ? it certainly doesn't have to be funny . " the whole nine yards " is not a particularly funny film , but it is borderline offensive . offensive in the way it continues a trend of poking fun at career criminals who wouldn't think twice about pushing your mother-in-law off the brooklyn bridge with her feet encased in concrete . that might sound like a funny sight gag , but the problem is these films have long since lost sight of the fact that taking a human life isn't all that funny to begin with . when the corpse is placed in a car , doused with gasoline , set ablaze and referred to as " barbecue , " it makes you wonder when all this playing killing for laughs is going to end . " the whole nine yards " is also offensive in so much as its three central female characters are portrayed as nothing more than sex objects . rosanna arquette plays a slutty , chain-smoking french canadian who's married to matthew perry's none-too-successful dentist . it's an unflattering role made all the more so by the unflattering outfits--and unflattering situations--into which arquette is thrust . then there's natasha henstridge ( " species " i and ii ) who plays the well-to-do wife of contract killer bruce willis . she gets involved with perry's character when he comes to chicago hoping to negotiate a finder's fee with mob boss yanni gogolack ( kevin pollack , transposing his vs with his ws ) after willis' jimmy the tulip tudeski moves in next door . henstridge and perry's characters hitting it off is about as likely as bruce and demi getting back together . perry might have the charm but he doesn't have the physical attributes of a traditional leading man , especially in close-up . most objectified of the bunch is amanda peet , who turns in a sexually-ripe performance as perry's dental assistant with , it transpires , questionable career goals . peet's gratuitous nude scene proves how low this movie will stoop to keep its audience from dropping off . when " my cousin vinny " is the highpoint of a directorial career including such forgettable films as " clue , " " greedy , " and " sgt . bilko , " you have to wonder if lynn chose the wrong career path . perry's pratfalling goofiness coupled with willis' likable hardness could have had some potential but with no script to work with , and a director who seems to be watching from the wings , their characters run out of gas quickly . " flubber " is the second best example of how to take all the life out of a film remake an adaptation , and hysterically enough both were distributed by disney . it's the kind of film that may be slightly entertaining to tiny kids , but anyone else will feel left out as it's boring , slow , and incredibly lifeless . what could be a film with cinematic magic is instead dead in the water , and it's a shame because it could have been a great film . hypothetically , i mean . " flubber , " as you probably know , is a remake of the disney classic i never saw , " the absent minded professor , " where a , well , absent minded professor played by fred mcmurray created an erratic substance known as " flubber , " you know , flying rubber ? the new one keeps the basic plot , but appears to have added a lot else , like more absent-mindedness on the part of the proffessor , some more villains , and several " show-stopping " moments , like a big rumba with the flubber , and some more elaborate setups , none which really make it any better , but instead make it worse . the basic plot revolves around a college professor , philip brainerd ( robin williams ) , who creates lots and lots of inventions , but is sadly absent minded . in fact , he's forgotten his wedding to the college's president , sara jean reynolds ( indie actress marcia gay harden ) , two times before he forgets it again at the beginning . doesn't this warrant some kind of mental treatment ? anyway , on his wedding day ( the third one ) , he invents the flubber , which not only bounces off of everything like a super ball on speed , but can also change shape like the aliens in water form in " the abyss . " philip believes that this invention , once fully realized , will save his college , which is in threat of being shut down by a millionaire tycoon/villain , chester hoenicker ( raymond j . barry ) , which is ironically enough the same college his brat son ( will wheaton - thought he was dead ) goes to . through a plot twist , hoenicker's goons , named smith and wesson ( ha ha - what a great sense of humor this film has ) who are played by clancy brown and ted levine ( both who needed the pay check ) , discover it the hard way , and try to steal for hoenicker , who wants it just 'cause he's evil enough . a sub-plot involves philip's attempts to win back sara , who's angry at him ( and with good reason ) , but who is being seduced by who is basically philip's belloq , wilson croft ( christopher mcdonald , playing the hysterically suave-yet-unsuave asswhole once again ) . and in another subplot , philip's day-timer robot , weebo ( voiced by the one-and-only jodi benson ) , falls in love with him . yuckity-yuck . what's most pathetic about this film is how dull it is . you don't need to be a cynical college student to be able to see right through this film , which is another in a long line of cheap attempts at making a quick buck by disney , who have essentially become the puff daddy of the film industry , half-assedly re-mixing classics ( or non-classics ) for distribution to the general public , who sadly eats it all up . earlier in '97 , they released " jungle 2 jungle , " an adaptation of a really awful french film , " un indien dans la ville , " which , yeah , improved over the original , but not by much . disney's in about as bad shape as warner brothers right now , only creatively . in the rush to ship out a film for distribution , disney has forgotten to give this film a little thing called " magic . " such scenes as dancing flubber , a flying car , a basketball team that pretty much sucks flying all around thanks to some carefully placed flubber , and an elaborate ending all fail to amaze , delight , or even cause people to laugh . i sat there the entire film stone faced , chuckling perhaps twice , and shaking my head at all the bad jokes . who could really laugh at a scene where philip enters the wrong classroom and starts teaching chemistry ? didn't think so . it doesn't help that our protagonist is essentially unfunny or even really respectable . philip is not a lovable absent minded professory , just a really dumb man being played by robin williams . williams is a brilliant comic actor . . . okay , a brilliant actor in general , but here he's given very little to do but occasionally get hyper over something , and other times act sad . those times , he's not bad . but what are we supposed to think of a man who's forgotten his wedding thrice ? maybe it was funny and/or respectable in the 60s . . . i like disney , and i usually enjoy their films , not only animated but live action , and their recent films ( save for " hercules , " which was good , but not great ) have been worse than lackluster , they've been pathetic . " jungle 2 jungle " is probably the worst film i saw last year . " flubber " 's probably second . what do they need to do ? perhaps create something new . get writers who can write something that's universally entertaining . films like " the parent trap " and " mary poppins " are films that are live action ( or in the latter case a mix of both ) , but even i can still watch them because they're not only written to be magical to children , but to be fun to adults . what's more torturous that taking a child to a film that insults you and annoys you at every turn ? and my god , couldn't they have done something else with edie mcclurg ? i'm going to start this review off with a hypothetical question . let's say you've just been in a car accident , and the driver of the other vehicle is unconscious . your friends have left to go get help , and you're waiting to see if the victim wakes up . a tow-truck comes along , and the driver hops out of the truck to see what's going on . he then proceeds to kill the unconscious victim by snapping his neck . do you : a ) run away screaming for your life , staying away from the main road , b ) run away ( but not too fast ) and stay on the main road even when the madman in the truck starts following you , * stop * to catch your breath , try to negotiate with the psycho , and when that fails , start running away again , all the while * staying on the main road * ? if you answered " a " , you are far more intelligent than the screenwriter of " texas chainsaw massacre : the next generation " and will likely hate this movie . however , if you answered " b " , prepare to enjoy a film made with idiots like you in mind ! " texas chainsaw massacre : the next generation " is being called a sequel , but it's really more of a remake of the original . there's a few changes here and there , but it's essentially the same ( even the infamous " meathook " scene has been re-created . ) the story opens with four teenagers hitting the road on the night of their prom , and somehow ending up in the middle of nowhere . needless to say , they soon encounter leatherface and his nutty family . much carnage ensues . to call this movie inept would be putting it mildly . in addition to the laughably idiotic situation i mentioned in my hypothetical question , there is a moment towards the end of the film where one of the baddies is killed by an airplane that literally comes out of nowhere . it just swoops down and kills him with its wheel . no explantion is given as to who was flying it or why he/she is going around killing people with the planes wheel . the dialogue is even more atrocious . zellwegger , who is kidnapped by " the family " early on , keeps trying to have normal conversations with these people . when you're surrounded by maniacs wielding chainsaws and dead corpses , i would think that rationality would go out the window . speaking of going out the window , there is a scene in which zellwegger jumps out a window . apparently , the stunt double had a little trouble , because she visibly gets stuck in the window . the director quickly cuts to a wide shot where the stunt double * doesn't * get caught in the window . this was one of many glaring inconsistencies . there are so many , in fact , that if i were to name them all , this review would be several pages long . the only reason i am giving this movie one star instead of no stars is because of matthew mcconaughey . he plays a member of " the family " with a hydraulic leg ( home-made , i might add ) and is so completely over-the-top , you can't help but be amazed by his performance . he obviously had a lot of fun with this part , and it really shows . he makes jack nicholson's portrayal of the psychotic inn keeper in " the shining " look restrained in comparison . for a horror movie , " texas chainsaw massacre : the next generation " contains surprisingly little gore . in fact , in contains none . there's a little blood here and there , but that's as far as it goes . which leads me to believe that the budget must have been * astonishingly * low , and it shows . everything about the movie looks cheap , from the sets to the costumes . especially leatherface . once frightening and nightmare inducing , he's now as terrifying as dame edna . do yourself a favor and take a pass at this remake . check out the far superior original instead . susan granger's review of " session 9 " ( usa films ) sometimes you just get more than your bargained for . . . like when boston-based hazmat elimination , run by scottish actor peter mullan and his trusty assistant , david caruso , assures a town engineer ( paul guilifoyle ) that they can remove insidious asbestos fibers from a victorian hospital facility in a week . erected in 1871 , deserted and decomposing since 1985 , the danvers mental hospital , is one of the most malevolent " locations " ever chosen for a film . the structure is so massive - with its labyrinth of rubble-strewn corridors , collapsing floors , stagnant pools of water , isolation cells , and ominous surgical chambers where experimental pre-frontal lobotomies were performed - that their task seems impossible within that time frame . and each member of their inexperienced crew ( stephan gevedon , brandon sexton iii , and josh lucas ) is coping with his own personal demons as , one by one , their minds seem to be affected by the grim areas in which they're working . the film's title is derived from salvaged reel-to-reel audio-recorded sessions involving the demonic possession of a young woman who is suffering from multiple personalities . by the time session 9 occurs so do dreadful disasters . filmmaker brad anderson obviously envisioned this as a gruesome chainsaw-massacre-type ghost story but the script lacks structure and isn't particularly scary . the conclusion is more ludicrous than convincing . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " session 9 " is a dark , gloomy 4 . silly me . . . at first , i thought that the original name of the danvers lunatic asylum bore some reference to mrs . danvers , the creepy housekeeper played by judith anderson in alfred hitchcock's truly terrifying " rebecca " that also involved a cavernous mansion called manderley . by the time dennis quaid , the ostensible star of switchback , makes his first appearance at about the 22-minute mark , you may find yourself wondering why he bothered . after all , writer/director jeb stuart has already set up a fairly promising pair of parallel story lines . the first finds amarillo , texas sheriff buck olmstead ( r . lee ermey ) facing a hotly-contested election battle just as a brutal double homicide is discovered at a motel in his jurisdiction . as olmstead begins his investigation , we also meet the two men who come to be our prime suspects . lane dixon ( jared leto ) is an enigmatic young hitchhiker ; bob goodall ( danny glover ) is the jovial motorist who offers lane a ride from texas to his utah destination . all the necessary conflicts seem to be in place -- the internal struggle of olmstead over the clash between good politics and good police work , and the external struggle as one of the two travelers eventually becomes villain to the other's protagonist . but then quaid shows up as grimly determined fbi agent frank lacrosse . lacrosse is certain that the amarillo murders are the work of a serial killer he has been tracking for nearly two years . he's not supposed to be tracking him any more -- according to the bureau , they've got their man -- but lacrosse has a very important reason for believing otherwise . two months earlier , lacrosse's own son was kidnapped by the killer , and the boy has yet to turn up anywhere . lacrosse knows his killer's work , and he knows that the man is still out there somewhere trying to continue their game . it wouldn't be fair to reduce everything that's wrong with switchback to quaid's presence , but it's a pretty good place to start . there's a reason lacrosse feels like an intruder in the narrative instead of its vital center : as a dramatic actor , dennis quaid possesses exactly one facial expression and one vocal intonation . we can tell lacrosse is determined because his face is a perpetual tight-jawed , sourpuss pucker ; we can tell he's grim because every word comes out in an eastwood-esque rasp . a more flexible performer might have given weight to the character , pulling the audience into his haunted intensity , making switchback _his_ film . quaid merely looks annoyed and slightly constipated . it's tough to become emotionally invested in a character's turmoil when it looks like all he really needs is a big bowl of bran flakes . even without quaid , it doesn't appear that switchback would have stayed on course . the early scenes between leto and glover have a lively energy , building our curiosity over which man -- the taciturn kid or his gregarious benefactor -- is the real threat . unfortunately , stuart tips his hand far too early in the game , both through the pitch of the individual performances and the facts he chooses to reveal . once the mystery of the killer's identity is dispatched , the interaction between leto and glover becomes stale and predictable . in fact , " stale and predictable " describes the direction that switchback takes in general , falling back on far-too-common hollywood devices like cats jumping out of nowhere , a climactic fistfight on board a freight train , and edgy law enforcement agents . it's too bad stuart wasn't willing to spend more time with sheriff olmstead , far and away the most interesting and appealing character in the film . played with atypical restraint by r . lee ermey , he's a wonderful , unconventional hero who seems genuinely comfortable accepting the consequences of acting on his convictions . a film focusing on the olmstead would have signaled a film-maker willing to take a few risks with his casting and story-telling . instead , stuart places his trust in a " name " star who can't carry the material . maybe next time he'll throw away that one crucial page in the script , the one where the grimly determined fbi agent wanders onto the scene to muck up a perfectly good story . gregg araki's the doom generation was possibly the very worst film ever made . so why did i see his latest teen bisexual angst opus ? first of all , some of the reviews were fairly positive . also , the cast , consisting of cameos from dozens of washed up ex tv stars ( including christopher knight , eve plumb , shannen doherty , and david leisure ) was promising . last of all , i wanted to give arraki one more chance . i mean , the guy can't be that untalented , can he ? the answer to that question is three letters long . nowhere follows the character dark on his wild and odd journey through los angeles . since arraki doesn't know how to make anything coherent , it's hard to describe the plot . let's just say that dark spends the bulk of the movie whining that his girlfriend won't make a commitment to him and jealous because she sleeps around with other guys and girls . the only remotely compelling storyline involves sarah lassez as a teen who has a chance encounter with a famous tv star . he turns out to be a nice guy who doesn't care for fame and wishes he could walk down the street without being mobbed by fans . this story has a shocking twist and a tragic end that i did not see coming . it is the first time i ever felt any compassion for a character created by arraki , and this can be attributed to the appealing performance of lassez . i thought maybe arraki was improving in his craft . he works better with the camera this time around , especially in the early scenes . halfway through the film , i didn't necessarily find myself enjoying the film , but it seemed like a considerable improvement on the doom generation . then as the movie went on , arraki loses all sensibility and introduces us to exploding heads , twisted sex games , and alien abductions . it's sad , because he almost actually had some decent material here , but he ruined it with his usual in your face " i'm such a renegade maverick filmmaker , look what i can do " attitude . the performances are generally better than in the doom generation , which isn't saying much . at least we don't have to suffer jonathan " i am the most hideous man in america " schaech . we are , however treated to another round of james " i'm more wooden than keanu " duval . sarah lassez gives the best performance in the film , and kathleen robertson ( formerly of 90210 and now arraki's wife ) and rachel true are talented actresses caught up in this mess . of the tv star cameos , john ritter is the most interesting as a deranged right wing tv evangelist . if i prefer nowhere to the doom generation , it is only in the way that i would prefer being assassinated than receive constant physical torture . maybe greg arraki doesn't want you to like his characters . maybe he wants to laugh and make fun of those of us who try to care about them . maybe he just wanted to piss me off . if so , he was successful . sometimes , when i decide to write a short story or a poem , i think of a title first , and then think of a subject to go with it . it seems that the makers of disturbing behavior had a similar train of thought when it came to the title sequence . i wouldn't be surprised if a couple of guys got together and created the opening credits , and then someone saw it and made up a story to go along with it . the title sequence is so good , so ominous and original , that it had me engrossed before the picture even began . of course , my attention dwindled shortly into the film . disturbing behavior , like so many thrillers , starts off interesting and ends up laughably ridiculous . it's a teen horror film with no interesting violence or sex . it's a suspense film with no suspense . it's an evil small town story with no story to speak of . it's a disaster , a listless and uninspired disaster , that just barely misses one-stardom because of a few good sequences , a mercifully short running time , and one terrific set of opening credits . our main man is a fellow named steve clark , blandly played by jimmy marsden . he moves to a small town with his family after , tragically , his brother shoots himself . steve is very upset about the untimely death of his brother ; we learn this through strange home-video like nightmares that he has occasionally . the big trial for steve is , of course , to fit in at school and make new friends . marsden looks like your stereotypical jock down to the last detail , so he seems a poor casting choice for a social reject . as a social reject , he falls in with some pretentious dope-smoking philosophers , gavin ( nick stahl ) and rachel ( katie holmes ) . gavin informs steve that the local group of jocks , known as the blue ribboners , are actually a bunch of zombies , assimilating new members into their group , while sporadically killing innocent people . so , it's up to our group of mismatched protagonists to 1 ) solve the mystery , and 2 ) do something about it . by the end of it all , something has happened and things have been explained , but the film still doesn't make any sense . disturbing behavior was written by scott rosenberg . i've seen his name around recently ( he was one of the toucher-uppers on the armageddon script ) , and i imagine that , for the most part , he knows what he's doing when it comes to screenwriting . he did , however , have a complete lapse in judgement when he got the idea for this film , and then decided to actually take the time to write it out . evil small town films are pretty common ( the last one , phantoms , is also a dismal failure ) , but it takes a lot of skill to make the formula work . rosenberg's script is a complete mess , lacking in even the most basic attempts at characterization . and it makes no sense , nor is their any purpose when things are finally " explained . " there is supposed to be an element of surprise when we see what is happening to the jocks , but the film never explains exactly what * is * happening . they get strapped to chairs , a microchip is inserted into their eyes , and -- poof -- they become sex-crazed , superviolent , machine-like creatures . the doctor responsible for all this , dr . caldicott ( bruce greenwood ) , must be pretty nuts for thinking that this kind of behavior is a step up from the way high school jocks actually behave ( or , perhaps , this is the only realistic element in the film ) . much of the writing is simply bad , and rosenberg has no intuition when it comes to the way high school kids act . in one terrible scene , gavin explains to steve all of the high school cliques , while pointing them out in the cafeteria . up front , i should say that , in four years of high school , i did not eat in the cafeteria even once . that aside , the various social groups he points out are general , uninteresting , and poorly-shown . for instance , he points to the " nerds , " who are all wearing glasses and playing with their laptops . it's such an obvious cliche that i can't believe rosenberg even bothered . most of the dialogue is forced ( no one says , " bite me ! " anymore ) , and none of the scenes have any degree of wit . this picture is not inspired , and most scenes flop from one to the other , with no sense of momentum or energy . the blame for this can be placed on director david nutter , who apparently likes his films dry . horror films should at least exploit violence , but this one is shockingly timid . there are a few good scenes , though , such as an interesting trip through an insane asylum ( this is , however , the most forced scene in the film , for how our heroes get there or why they bother are things we never learn ) . i also liked the school janitor character , played by william sadler . he has a few lines that are surprisingly thought-provoking . the acting is largely a waste of talent . marsden is , as i said , bland ( thought not particularly bad ) . bruce greenwood is shamelessly wasted . stahl and holmes both show they have talent , but the direction isn't good enough to hone in on their skills ( stahl's performance seems more like a parody of high school potheads ) . none of these characters expand beyond their one dimension , and , frankly , watching cardboard cut-outs of human beings run down hallways while screaming just isn't all that cool . disturbing behavior is a wreck of a film , and it started out a wreck before shooting even began . i'm surprised there were producers who read this script and thought that it would make a good film , or that it would make a lot of money at the box office . it's not boring , or even blatantly awful , but it's an uninspired lump of a film . it sure starts off nicely , but the regression into total absurdity is so consistent that the very last scene is outright laughable . so , if you go to see this film , take my advice : appreciate the credit sequence , and pray it never ends . written by david j . schow and john shirley , based on the comic book series and comic book strip by james o'barr . cast brandon lee , ernie hudson , michael wincott , david patrick kelly , rochelle davis , and jon polito . mpaa rating " r " ( presumably for rape , language , and violence ) running time 100 minutes " looks like he zigged when he should've zagged . " - ernie hudson , as a police officer commenting on a suspicious death . comic book translations are notorious tricky-- anyone up for a double-bill of the punisher and captain america ? -- and the crow proves no exception . despite a gross of good intentions , brandon lee's final film doesn't fly very high . the story opens on halloween eve , better known as devil's night . wilmington-as-detroit is in flames and the police are tending to at least * one * murder : young rock-musician-turned-pavement-artist eric draven ( lee ) , found on a sidewalk six-stories below the apartment he was thrown from . the cops are also upstairs , administering aid to his fiance who was assaulted and raped and not necessarily in that order . she dies , the perps . escape , and , exactly one year later , draven rises from the grave to wreak revenge . sound familiar ? unlike charles bronson , whose only known superpower involves an inability to refrain from filming death wish sequels , lee's character has supernatural strength and amazing agility and can even reheal from gunshot wounds faster than robert patrick in terminator 2 . by his side is his crow , the presumable source of his powers as related in the narration . wearing what appears to be alice cooper's leftover make-up , lee is plopped into an underlit urban landscape that was obviously modeled after batman and blade runner . but no number of red-lit , rain-soaked streets can compensate for cheap fx that make the crow seem closer to darkman than batman . ( the glaring miniatures should show better on video , though . : ) a nod to darkman is an insult to sam raimi , though , because alex proyas can't film a decent action scene to save his life . his two " best " set-pieces-- some banzai board-room butchery and a cool church- roof sword fight-- are also undercut by the awful editing of dov hoenig and scott smith . blame said editors for the film's frightful flashbacks , as well . but the pace is quick , thank god , and every good-idea-turned-bad is over before it begins . the cast is better than it should be . ernie hudson is a good choice as a friendly policeman and he gets off most of the film's funnier lines . newcomer rochelle davis does well as both the narrator and draven's scrappy ward . jon polito has a small , succulent role as pungent pawnbroker . and michael wincott makes a distinct impression as a long-haired mr . big whose collection of ancient-swords makes him seem like he walked into the film from the trailer to highlander iii . there can be only one . finally , there's brandon lee , son of bruce lee , and a 28-year-old rising-star who was fatally shot during shooting . lee had four films to his name-- kung fu : the movie , laser mission , showdown in little toyko , and rapid fire-- and the crow would've been a nice feather in his belt and that's about it . there's nothing great from him here-- just a good performance that owes as much to presence as ability . when the echo of that gunshot finally fades , watching the crow should prove an even * less * remarkable experience . despite a healthy dose of humor and some surprising sincerity , the crow is still just a couple notches above its straight-to-video brethren . for now , maybe it's an appropriate eulogy to an actor who could only get better . synopsis : sullen julie james , still haunted by nightmares of the killer ben willis from i know what you did last summer , perks up when her new best friend karla wilson wins a trip for four to the bahamas . arriving at the start of the hurricane season , julie and karla run around in very tight clothing and realize they've walked into a trap set by the rainslickered slasher with a huge hook for a hand . comments : i may be showing some pop culture illiteracy here , but i have never seen an episode of the fox tv series " party of five . " i am only vaguely aware of the show's premise , and my knowledge of it comes from brief commercials i half-paid attention to while watching the tube . " party of five , " i do know however , seems to be the starting ground for actresses in the teen horror genre . neve campbell , scream queen of the 90s and star of scream , scream 2 , and the craft , is a regular of the show . so too is jennifer love hewitt . lo and behold , following in the footsteps of campbell , hewitt now has a horror franchise of her own : the i know what you did last summer line . though the original film , released last year , was watchable enough , this insipid sequel had me looking at the theater's glowing red exit sign longingly throughout . jennifer love hewitt is a very good-looking young leading lady ; however , unlike neve campbell , hewitt struggles with acting . she just isn't convincing in this film ( and she wasn't in the original either ) . this puts many young males , including myself , in a paradoxical quandary : she's very attractive , but the annoying , spoiled , valley girl-type character she tries to play here is annoying to the extreme and ruins many of the scenes which emphasize , exploitatively , her figure . add to the mix the equally pleasant yet irritating brandy , another rising teen tv star , and you get one frustrated male audience . i've spent so much time on hewitt and brandy for a reason . i still know what you did last summer , though cashing in on the success of the original , ultimately serves as a vehicle for these two young actresses . nothing else here is original or interesting . this movie , in fact , makes other recent so-so horror films like urban legend and john carpenter's vampires seem like stunning works of high art . i still know relies heavily on tired slasher film cliches : an isolated location , a storm , parentless teenagers , false alarm nightmares , lots of blue-lighted darkness scenes , a garbed slasher who walks around in the background without the characters seeing him , knives and other sharp instruments lying around everywhere , etc . you get the picture . the entire audience knows all the secondary characters introduced in the film are going to receive the business end of the killer's hook . they may as well have huge targets painted on them . like scream and its numerous knockoffs , these secondary characters are supposed to serve as comic relief . unfortunately , i still know's characters aren't all that funny . in particular , one character , a chain-weed-smoking guy , is obnoxiously annoying and certainly doesn't die soon enough . the death scenes , by the way , are relatively violent for a theatrically released horror film . several of them are uncomfortable to watch , and they reminded me of the sickening gore scenes in hellraiser : bloodline , a truly sadistic movie . this , too , did not help the supposed humor i still know was shooting for . and what is the deal with the slasher himself ? i know that the slasher film is not a particularly intelligent genre , but ben willis has got to go down as one of the most silly slashers in mainstream horror . come on , the guy looks like the gorton's fisherman , and his gruff voice makes him sound like a disney pirate . though his lightning-lit appearances ellicited much-needed laughter in the theater , his appearance borders on the absurd in the horror film , and that's * really * saying something . so , all that's left to talk about here is jennifer love hewitt and brandy . both prance about in tightfitting , revealing outfits or in various states of undress , yet neither of them ever actually do a nude scene . hewitt , however , does do a post-shower scene in which her thin bathrobe is quite . . . titillating . this scene alone made this one-star turkey earn two stars under my rating system . otherwise , hewitt and brandy both grate on the nerves . early in the film , for instance , brandy wins the trip to the bahamas . she and hewitt jump around and scream and screech for what seems like forever . i needed extra-strength tylenol after that part . oh , and the film's conclusion , talk about repetitive ! people who saw i know what you did last summer will predict i still know's ending at least 5 minutes before it happens . boring ! i saw this movie with my brother at the local downtown movie theater . admission is only one dollar on wednesdays , and we often go see bad movies on these days just to ridicule them . it's usually a fun thing to do along with the rest of the audience , who don't seem to mind participating in a mass " mystery science theater 3000 " -type viewing . i still know what you did last summer , however , produced several lengthy uncomfortable silences from the audience , underscoring how bad it * really * is . if it weren't for the main actresses' revealing wardrobes , i'd have had a very , very hard time sitting through this lame sequel . i can't imagine trying to watch it on video ( horror films seem 10 times better in a theater because they rely heavily on audience participation ) and wouldn't recommend it to people , unless they're horror film fanatics or huge fans of hewitt and brandy . i read on a website somewhere that another sequel is already in the works . what a depressing thought . hewitt apparently needs to spend more time on tv figuring out how to act . rated r , this film contains lots of violence , several gory scenes , and a couple nubile , horny teenagers--though the sex act itself is always thwarted . i'd say this is unsuitable for kids , but teens wouldn't have a problem sitting through it , especially since they obviously compose the film's target audience . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . to assess alex cox's film the winner as a loser would be so indolent . it would be derisive . it would be glib . it would be dismissive . it would be entirely accurate . rarely have i seen a film as excruciatingly annoying as the winner , a would-be comedy which quickly proves to be tedious , unfunny , and unengaging . the film attempts to be fresh and quirky , utilising a myriad of colourful characters to weave its absurd tale , but appears to overlook the fact that nobody in the film is remotely interesting and that all of the characters are essentially preposterous . the film is set in las vegas , and the focus in the winner is on philip ( vincent d'onofrio ) , an aloof , naive young man blessed with the odd gift of luck ; he virtually cannot lose at the tables . despite this prodigious talent , philip is perpetually mournful and quite indifferent about his gambling fortunes , neither taking joy in his winnings nor having the foresight to mask his abilities . consequently , he becomes an easy target for those who would ride upon his coattails and take advantage of his talent . louise ( rebecca demornay ) , a sultry lounge singer , insinuates herself into philip's life for the purpose of swindling him , while philip's estranged brother ( and , conveniently , louise's ex-beau ) johnny ( michael madsen ) arrives on the scene . ( to add some colour , johnny also happens to be toting their father's corpse , sans one hand . ) meanwhile , philip is also befriended by a trio of low-rent , opportunists ( frank whaley , billy bob thornton , and richard edson ) , who have every intention of taking advantage of their new buddy's gift with the dice . serenely overlooking the chaos from behind the scenes is the casino owner ( delroy lindo ) ; it is probably not giving away much to reveal that his role in the winner is essentially that alluded to at the end of the flashy sequence in martin scorsese's casino which details the organization hierarchy of a casino's operations - he * is * the eye in the sky . it could be maddening to endure a film whose central protagonist is so oblivious of the ongoing blatant manipulation , but fortunately this is not the case in the winner , if only because our sadsack hero is such a sap ; not even remotely sympathetic or compelling , it becomes impossible to root for philip or even care about his fate , and the would-be swindlers of philip's fortunes are all drawn out as such ludicrous , transparent buffoons with entirely unimaginative and uninteresting schemes that one watches the winner with a complete sense of disinterest . it is a shame , as the winner features a talented cast - mr . d'onofrio is an underrated and gifted actor with a huge range ; mr . lindo has a remarkable screen presence which infiltrates every film in which he appears ; mr . madsen , ms . demornay , and mr . whaley have all done good work in the past . none of the actors in the winner are in top form here , and this film won't likely be a prized addition to their respective resumes . director alex cox does what he can with wendy riss' screenplay , and it is to his credit that this film at no point feels like an adaptation of a stage play ; i was startled to learn that the winner was in fact based upon one . while tedious , the film is well-paced and does not meander , but it would be near-impossible task for mr . cox ( or , for that matter , virtually any other director that comes to mind ) to overcome the film's widespread shortcomings in plot and characterization . to his credit , my understanding is that he has chosen to distance himself from the project in acknowledgement of its deficiencies . i caught the winner at its world premiere at the toronto international film festival in september 1996 , and in fairness it is entirely possible that the film has been extensively revamped since then due to the lacklustre audience reaction generated - there were more walkouts on this film than any of the others i screened . to be honest , though , i couldn't begin to isolate what could be done to this film to improve it - i assume that throwing the whole thing out and starting over is out of the question . the winner has apparently played on cable television in the united states and is beginning a limited theatrical release at the time of this writing . the film has a nice upbeat score by pray for rain , but i am honestly not being facetious when i state that the thing i treasured most about my screening of the winner was the bag of popcorn upon which i was munching . what's to like about the world of extremely violent trash pornography--ie . the garbage known as " snuff " films ? nothing , right ? what's to like about a film chronicling the world of violent trash pornography ? well . . . nothing . so , why make it , hollywood ? there's no reason why the average , sane movie-goer will be interested in such a topic . no one is going to enrich their life or have a good time by watching material such as this . the lack of quality filmmaking in " 8mm " ( from technical to acting ) stands out even more when you consider the star , writer , and supporting cast--all reputable . but joel schumacher and his brand of unlikable filmmaking strikes again ! like paul schrader , schumacher has his moments , but they're few and far ( far ! ) between . basically , this picture is crap and no one should pay to see it . why not walk out ? well , this wouldn't be a thorough review about a thoroughly bad movie . here's why you should spend your money on dog food or gum instead of " 8mm " . . . first thing--if you don't heed my advice , then understand what you're about to see before you even think about paying good money for this crud . it's not easy to watch . i didn't know the details of the story beforehand , but at least my ignorance can help others now . the ( ha ! ) plot revolves around tom welles ( nicolas cage ) as a surveillance expert and private investigator . a rich old woman discovers a " snuff " film in her late husband's safe . she calls welles and hires him to try and find out if the young girl ( it had to be a young girl , didn't it , schumacher ! ) who appears to be murdered in the film really is dead . she's horrified that her husband would have owned such a film ( in 8mm , of course ) and just wants welles to snoop around without police interference to see what he can find . family-man welles agrees against better judgement or any concrete leads even after cringing and grimacing at the sight of the grotesque " murder " . let me backtrack for a moment . see , " snuff " films are pornos with a violent twist--people are tortured in very sick ways and end up dead . however , the deaths are often staged and , in those cases , special effects and " good " acting make all the difference . very sick people enjoy and pay top dollar for these hard-to-find movies . the thought of this " industry " makes me want to throw my computer out the window and stop this review , but i'll swallow my bile and move on . welles follows clues to hollywood and the porn industry . you'd think he's sherlock holmes the way clues drop so easily for him ! he comes across smut clerk max ( joaquin phoenix ) who knows everyone and everything in the underground business of sleaze . after a lot of digging and bribing , welles finds the men who are responsible for making this , and other , " snuff " films . skip ahead , skip ahead , skip ahead . . . led by dino velvet ( peter stormare in an uncharacteristically terrible performance ) and star-torturer " machine " ( christopher bauer ) , they have a big showdown with welles where death and mayhem ensue . the movie doesn't end there , unfortunately , because welles has to do what all heroes in schumacher films do--become a vigilante . this film doesn't draw you in . it keeps you about 700 miles away from it and who in their right mind would want to get close ? it is possible to like a film that focuses on grime and sick behaviour ( ie . " se7en " ) , but it takes a large measure of restraint ( schumacher has none ) and a larger amount of talent ( schumacher has little ) . by those jabs , i'm not only referring to his stylish destruction of the " batman " franchise , but " a time to kill " was an immensely overrated disappointment . for a guy who gets so much studio money , his track record of making rather bad movies is unparalleled . a good screenwriter and a good director can make you hypnotically watch even disgusting subject matter . writer andrew kevin walker didn't recapture the smarts of the fascinating script he authored for '95s twisted thriller , " se7en " . director schumacher doesn't have that innate ability to make you watch things you don't really want to see like better directors are capable of doing . he must not have believed hitchcock who espoused the theory that what we don't see is more frightening than what we do ( especially when it's a scene where young girl is supposed to be murdered ) . however , gratuitous is joel's middle name . he must think that not flaunting a hard-core act of violent sex is showing plenty of tactful restraint . no , he doesn't go that far , but we see enough unpleasantness . he doesn't leave much to the imagination . it's manipulating to hurt ( or kill ) young girls just to get the audience on the side of a murderous vigilante . the script and acting should be what gets us to believe in these characters , yet schumacher has no subtlety in his ( ha ha ! ) craft . case in point , a shot of a christian fellowship bus ( good , right ? ) drives away to reveal one of the villains ( bad , right ? ) . see . . . no subtlety . does joel think we're stupid or that we need to be held by the hand to comprehend the contrasting imagery ? who do we root for in this mess ? is there anybody out there ? it's not all the director's fault , though . why did the actors sign up for this ? nicolas cage is an oscar-winner , for cryin' out loud ! if he claims to do films to challenge himself and for the artistic merit rather than the money , what was he smoking when this script dropped on his veranda ? what is cage supposed to be in this movie--a whispering batman without the charisma and pointed ears ? villainous peter stormare is five steps past hammy . and what is james gandolfini doing in this trash ? he was so solid as a concerned father in " a civil action " . i guess ol' nic , pete , and jim were promised a mountain of money . . . or they're suckers . or they just don't care . there are moments ( albeit brief ones ) where this rises above the wasteland . catherine keener is good ( although too quick to threaten divorce ) as mrs . wells . baby cindy is obviously cute and wells' devout love of his daughter is sweet . the mother ( amy norton ) of the girl in the infamous 8mm film is not too bad as a woman dealing with the uncertain loss of her runaway daughter . this film has an appropriate blue-toned , washed-out look like " payback " ( which was a much better movie ) . the editing is okay in scenes of no dialogue , but at other times it's rough . during some conversations , close-ups and wide shots are not cut very well , making it look to be editted by someone whose instincts aren't good and whose timing was a half-second off . such a technical error indeed stands out . speaking of standing out , don't believe the misleading trailers . there's not much action here . occasionally , yes , but not as often as your tv will have you believe . after seeing " 8mm " , i may not be interested in ever watching any kind of porn again . is that a positive ? well , if making me almost ill at the thought of glimpsing a dirty movie again is their motive , they've done a swell job here . it'll be a long time before i give a schumacher film another chance--unless i lose my mind and become seriously depraved . but today i'm not depraved , so i ask , why does this film preach that this garbage is out there and that society should be worried about it ? i'm sure that somewhere right now there's some pretty sick crap going on , but that doesn't mean i need to know about it . yes , mr . walker , your script tells us that there are some screwed-up folks out there . yes , mr . walker , the proverbial monster doesn't look like we expect him to . you said all that in 1995 . move on . this film serves no purpose . it doesn't entertain , it doesn't teach us anything , it doesn't make a statement beyond the obvious " this stuff is bad " approach . only if this film awakens the authorities to find a way to abolish these types of horrors would it ever do someting truly worthwhile . that's not likely to happen , though , so " 8mm " is indeed a scummy waste of money . orson welles said years ago in a tribute to film , " to movies . . . to good movies " . if only joel schumacher and the producers had listened and told andrew kevin walker to bury this crud deep in a hole . like " snuff " films , " 8mm " should never have been made . now , excuse me while i go try to forget i ever saw it . useless trivia--joel schumacher loves the vigilante theme . he used it in " batman forever " , in " batman & robin " , in " a time to kill " , in " falling down " , and it's rumoured that joel himself will play the vigilante at his breakfast table tomorrow . . . in the james bond film " diamonds are forever , " tiffany case asks 007 whether he prefers brunettes to redheads . bond's response is that it doesn't really matter , as long as collars and cuffs match . well , collars and cuffs don't match in " the real blonde . " what might have sounded good on paper ends up as a largely unfunny , meandering comedy on screen . the film , supposedly a satire of the superficiality of soap operas and the modeling business , is wafer thin . it plays like an " ally mcbeal " episode dragged out to the nth degree , replete with a few unnecessary " fantasy " sequences . writer/director tom dicillo manages the material as if poking fun at daytime dramas is a fresh idea . it isn't . the only surprise here is that the talented dicillo could make familiar terrain so dreary . matthew modine plays joe , a struggling actor waiting tables in order to pay the rent . he's 35 with no agent and no credits since he's too proud to take on roles in commercials or soap operas . " that's not really acting " he tells his girlfriend of six years , mary ( catherine keener ) , with whom he bickers constantly about sex . but they need the money , so joe finally agrees to take a part in a madonna video . but it's not really madonna starring in the video but a lookalike ( played by elizabeth berkley , still trying to jump-start her career after " showgirls " ) . this points out how artificial this whole business is , one supposes . dicillo has referred to " the real blonde " as " off-kilter , but an interesting combination of all sorts of stuff . . . " the film , which wanders all over the place without getting anywhere , is remarkably * on * -kilter and , with perhaps the single exception of the always-likable modine ( who's not afraid to stand around in a very unattractive bathing suit surrounded by hunks ) , the entire cast is vague and uninteresting . catherine keener , who's appeared in dicillo's previous three films ( including the brilliant " living in oblivion " ) , is at her most annoying in " the real blonde . " look at her closely ; she really can't act at all . her reactions are all wrong , almost always out of sync with her co-stars . she reacts too soon , or too late , to lines and situations . she moves her eyes , or her mouth , far too much . she frowns , she yells , she babbles--she blows chunks . maxwell caulfield plays joe's actor/waiter buddy bob , the one obsessed with dating a " natural " blonde . bob's personality ( not to mention caulfield's acting ability ) parallels that of the character he plays on the soap opera " passion crest " --stiff and uninteresting . maybe that's the point . daryl hannah is dim and uninteresting as the real blonde of the title , a soap dish who beds bob both on- and off-camera . hannah looks about fifty in this movie ( she's only 37 ) . why is that ? almost all the women in the film wear tops that show their nipples . why is that ! ? marlo thomas plays an uninteresting fashion photographer . kathleen turner plays an uninteresting talent agent . buck henry plays an uninteresting shrink . christopher lloyd plays an uninteresting caterer . and so on . the best parts of the " the real blonde " are the beginning and the end , brief scenes of an elderly woman losing and then finding her dog . there's more depth and sincerity in a single close-up of her expressive face than in the entire film . while this contrast is supposedly meant to highlight the shallowness of the other characters' lives , the only thing that makes shallow and superficial interesting is if it's funny . if i were to plot a graph of year against movie-plot-ridiculity for = hollywood movies , you'll probably see a line with constant gradient . = now , if i were to plot that same graph for the movies that the michael = bay/jerry bruckheimer has made over the last 4 years , that line would be = exponential in growth . the team started out with the will smith vehicle = bad boys which was no more than a 2hr long action-music-video , = nevertheless entertaining . then came the rock , where audiences flocked = to see nicholas cage team up with sean connery against some terrorizing = general fighting over some stupid cause . con-air was ridiculousy dumb in = its premise but it did have fun moments , and who can forget the nursery = rhyme sang by that psycho killer played by steve buscemi . while these = movies worked because there was something better to cover-up the dirt , = armageddon does not . very much like deep impact , a meteor is heading towards earth and they = didn't realize it until 18 days from impact . deep impact settled with = the modest meteor size as large as the city of new york but armageddon = just had to be bigger . . . . well about the size of texas ( that kinda meteor = whould probably knock earth out of its orbit ! ) . the panic of this = sighting spurs the idea of landing people on the meteor , drill it then = nuke it ( sounds familiar ) and who better to do such a job than harry = stamper ( bruce willis ) , your very own oil-driller extraordinaire and = his team of macho-misfits , nursing the tagline `there ain't nothin' on = this planet that harry can't drill ! ' . in that 18 days , harry's group was = split into 2 teams , trained for deep-space flight and finally blasted = into space in with special drilling vehicles on 2 new space shuttles . the main relationship drama of armageddon is formed within the = relationship of harry , a . j . and grace . to give you an idea , a . j . works = for harry , and loves grace , harry's daughter . the problem is , harry = hates to see his daughter hanging around some scruffy grunt like himself = for the rest of her life . so while a . j . and harry struts it out , grace = is place in a position where she is unable to take sides , so she remains = seated in the nasa control tower , crying over both of them in about 80% = of the movie . the human elements this movie tries to inject proves to be nothing more = than just an excuse for more slow-mo's and gold-tinted photography . the = anguish of the world is potrayed with scenes of people praying , running = for their lives or just sitting still staring at the sky , sounds fine = right ? i know , but it looks too out of place on screen , too staged . if = you were to ask yourself , `what's the difference between armageddon and = a r&b music video ? " you'd probably just said `the music . " . not = surprising since michael bay is a child of that industry and has = actually managed to transpose his mtv skills to screen successfully . his = foray into armageddon just proves that he doesn't when to stop . well there's really nothing much to sum up here . the = stock-aitken-waterman of hollywood movies have projected their art-form = into ridiculity , beyond the plane believability , where people still = accept even if they didn't believe . deep impact was ridiculous in most = aspects and i believe the makers know this . the thing is , they decided = to shroud myth and fantasy with a purely believable human tale of = suffering and coming in terms with ones problems , which ultimately = brought it above the ashes which it had initially put itself in . = armageddon , is an overcrowded , loud , messy , preposterously manipulative = waste of money and deserves to remain in that same pile of ash . . =20 if you have planned to watched this over deep impact because of liv = tyler , bruce willis or the tagline " from the makers of `the rock' ! ! " . = please catch deep impact before it finishes its run , it may be the only = meteor worth watching in long-long time . if you have to see it , please = bring ear-plugs and some aspirins ( for the vertigo ) . expect armageddon = ld's to retail at s$19 . 90 at carrefour come release time . gee . . . . . . even = that's not worth it ! " tina ! ! ! fetch me the axe ! ! ! " a favourite book of mine called the golden turkey awards relates the story that when mommie dearest was unleashed upon unsuspecting audiences back in 1981 , paramount soon realised they had a problem on their hands . it wasn't just the film's disappointing box office performance . indeed , in the coming years some people would be going back to see it two , three , even six times . no , the main problem was that what was intended as a serious biopic of screen queen joan crawford was turning into the laugh riot of the year . in a desperate attempt to capitalise on this unexpected turn of events , some publicity hacks dreamed up outrageous print advertisements screaming : " mommie dearest : the biggest mommie of them all ! " . executives at paramount were appalled and soon had the ads withdrawn , but it was all too late . mommie dearest was already cementing its place in camp cinema history . unfortunately , faye dunaway's energetic , at times ridiculously over-the-top performance is about the film's only redeeming feature . based on daughter christina crawford's trashy biography , mommie dearest chronicles a series of mainly private events in the life of her moviestar mother . if you believe this movie , it was a life was racked by obsession , lonliness , child abuse and rampant egomania . the film begins with crawford adopting two children , and concludes in the office of her lawyer where her now grown-up daughter and son find out they have been left out of their mother's will . joan always wanted her kids to be able to fend for themselves , you see . but that's about the only thread in the narrative that manages to survive to the film's end . the script - laboured over by four writers , a bad sign in itself - is a poorly connected series of episodes that builds little dramatic momentum . frank perry's direction is no more than competent , and dunaway's bitchy lines aside , the dialogue is flat and uninvolving . in fairness , the film's second half ditches some of the cartoon hysterics and does develop a degree empathy for its characters . when the adult christina moves out of home into her own modest dwelling , joan visits and keeps in touch , not helping her financially but encouraging christina's own acting and career ambitions . crawford does seem to care about her daughter , but you can sense the emotional distance and feel some of their pain . you also get glimpses of what the film could have been in the hands of better writers . ah , but there is dunaway's performance . and what a delicious piece of campery it often is . having just been sacked by her studio after a run of box office duds , crawford storms home late at night and proceeds to go ballistic in the garden . she has the maid drag the kids out of bed to come down and clean up the mess she's making . spotting a young tree she doesn't like the look of , she turns to the trembling christina and utters the immortal line " tina ! ! fetch me the axe ! ! " with which she proceeds to enthusiastically dismember the poor sapling . in the film's most outrageous scene , joan realises that some of her daughter's clothes are hanging on wire coat hangers . oh dear ! sounds like the perfect excuse for another temper tantrum , doesn't it ? this time she gives her daughter a horrible beating while delivering another classic outburst : " no . . . wire . . . hangers . . . . ever ! ! ! ! " . and later , when the board of her late husband's company pepsi cola tries to divest her of her directorship , she displays a superb grasp of business etiquette by jumping to her feet and roaring : " don't fuck with me , fellas ! ! " . oh joy ! something of a camp classic , then , but if that's not you're cup of tea then mommie dearest doesn't have too much to recommend it . better you see the real crawford in the women ( 1939 ) , mildred pierce ( 1945 ) or whatever happened to baby jane ( 1962 ) . great films distinguished by great performances , and a far more eloquent testament to this great woman than frank perry's shrieking piece of tabloid froth . phil ( radmar jao ) has a hairy problem . his beard is growing so rapidly that he has to shave every hour . he recently met the author of a non-fiction book on lycanthropy , also referred to in the movie as werewolfism , and phil now believes that his problem is that he has become a werewolf . using enough chains and handcuffs to be a hit at a sadomasochists convention , he ties himself in at night lest his urges overcome him . and phil is just one of the many quirky characters that inhabit shopping for fangs . made on a pittance , the film features an almost exclusively asian-american cast . as directed by quentin lee and justin lin , the movie is so amateurishly bad that it could almost be a parody of indie films . jeanne chin plays katherine , a meek and soft-spoken wife , who worries that her husband is unhappy with her because she is not giving him enough sex . we know this through the endless scenes of her confessing her sins , real and imagined , to her therapist . as her husband , jim , clint jung plays a muscle man with a macho crudeness . the picture is filled with stereotypes . there's a mysterious , loud-mouthed waitress with a big , platinum blonde wig who brags to everyone she meets that she's a lesbian . she spends most of the movie putting the moves on her favorite customer , a gay guy . and the lone white with a major role , the author on werewolfism , has wildly unkempt , orangey blonde , curly hair . from its opening scene of an attempted rape at knifepoint to its easy to guess ending twist , the script rarely has anything to offer . the story is so minimally developed that it feels almost like the actors were ad-libbing . one can only hope that the directors' next film will have some substance and some credible acting . shopping for fangs runs 1 : 30 . it is rated r for sex , violence , and profanity and would be fine for older teenagers . writer/director lawrence kasdan had a hand in penning some of the biggest film successes of the 1980s . yes , that's right , he co-wrote raiders of the lost ark ( 9/10 ) , the empire strikes back ( 8 . 5/10 ) and return of the jedi ( 8/10 ) . now with this film , it looks as though he has decided to test his skills at mediocre screenwriting and bland directing . and guess what ? he succeeds once again ! plot : a man with a shady and regrettable past decides to run away and into a small american town , where he pretends to be a licensed psychologist to an open-armed swarm of people with problems . it isn't long before he befriends the small-town billionaire , folks become suspicious and he falls for one of his own patients . critique : this film is not a comedy ! it is a drama . i say this right up front because from the looks of the trailer , you would think that this film secures its base in humor , but unfortunately for us , it does not . it is a serious film ( seriously flawed if you ask me , but i digress ) which offers a couple of witty quips to keep you awake , but overall , just sits there . now on to my review . this movie sucks because it was slow and boring , starred an uninteresting protagonist with an unbelievable past , included extremely dull patients whose problems left me indifferent at best and pissed at worst , and certified it all with many a predictable ending . i have no idea what lawrence kasdan was trying to accomplish with this picture , but whatever it was . . . he missed ! anyone without his name could never have made this film because it is an extremely generic puff-piece , which on a good day , might be described as predictably digestible . it's no wonder that the studio is trying to sell it as a comedy ! it sucks as a drama , and bored my movie cohort right to sleep . i've given it four points on four extremely shallow yet distinguishable marks . first of all , i couldn't help but think about how much the lead actor , loren dean , looked like a young charles grodin . he even acted like him , save for the dry , sardonic wit . this kept me interested in watching him at least . number two , and this one is really shallow ( seemed to be geared that way as well ) , there were quite a few " titshots " , as they would say back in high school . and god help me if i can't get enough of those in an aimless drama . and three , and this one surprised me the most , actor ted danson's cameo ( yes , he will always be sam malone to us real fans ! ) was the best part about this movie and actually made me see him as a different person . a different asshole , but a different person nonetheless . if ever you rent this movie one day ( promise you won't throw away your hard-earned money at the theaters ? ! ) , wait for his scene because it's actually pretty good . other than that , drab , drab , drab and drab . even jason lee , a personal favorite of mine , was left out to dry with lame dialogue and one of the phoniest romances to hit the big screen in a while . well , at least he finally " came out " and did some real skateboarding in this movie ! oh yeah , and i guess that's the fourth point in my rating . anyway , if you enjoy watching boring patients babble on about their boring problems to an uninteresting psychologist . . . this film's your bag ! otherwise , skip it and see analyze this ( 8/10 ) again . . . now there's a great shrink movie ! little known facts about this film and its stars : " three's company " fans alert ! ! ! terri from the tv show , also known as actress priscilla barnes , plays a small but pivotal part as the landlady in this film . the scene is actually a fantasy sequence and does feature cleavage , so stay tuned , kids ! also , it is to note that the actress was once named " penthouse pet of the month " in march of 1976 . she was known as one joann witty back then . she's originally from jersey . who the hell is loren dean , the dude who plays mumford in this film ? you got me , but all i know is that he was born in las vegas in 1969 and played the character of billy bathgate in the 1991 film of the same name . jason lee was born in the state of california in the year of 1971 . he was a professional skateboarder before his acting career took off after mallrats ( 6/10 ) , and even owns his own skateboarding company called stereo manufacturing corp . he's been in every kevin smith film except for clerks ( 8 . 5/10 ) . listen closely and you will hear the pharmacist in this film ( the ballooning actor formerly known as pruit taylor vince ) make a reference to the " lost ark " , which is obviously an in-joke , considering that it is the writer/director of this film , lawrence kasdan , who co-wrote raiders of the lost ark ( 9/10 ) . kasdan also played the part of dr . green in 1997's as good as it gets ( 8/10 ) . ted danson also played the role of lawyer peter lowenstein in kasdan's 1981 directorial debut body heat starring a sexy kathleen turner and william hurt . ladies and gentlemen , payback is the most expensive episode of " the equalizer " i've ever seen . gibson plays porter , a burglar shot and left for dead by his wife ( deborah kara unger , in an all-too-brief cameo ) and partner ( henry ) after a successful heist . as a morgue attendant sets about removing the bullets from porter's back , porter miraculously springs back to life . he makes it his mission , as a walking dead man without a conscience , to exact revenge on those who screwed him and reclaim his share of the loot . ( in a running gag , porter demands $70 000 , but everybody mishears him and assumes he's after the entire $130 000 haul . ) in his travels ( or travails ) , porter encounters several other one-named villainous cretins like fairfax ( james coburn as a white-haired , millionaire thief ) and carter ( kristofferson , as a brown-haired , millionaire thief-the kingpin of the obligatory " operation " ) . helgeland's film ( which was recut by mel the producer ) is devoid of an imperative dime store charm . the novelty of seeing a big movie star mercilessly dispatching criminals wears off quickly : a ) because the bad guys can only be differentiated by their coifs , and b ) because mel's schtick doesn't evolve from act one-he's the terminator stranded in a plot without a sci-fi hook to keep us interested after the initial sadistic thrill is gone . payback should have been called playback : it's a 102-minute loop of the same short sequence . ( mel : " i want my money . " anonymous villain : " no . " mel shoots gun . anonymous villain dies . mel meets up with his hooker friend ( bello ) . second verse , same as the first . ) it's not porter's single-mindedness that robs the film of snap , crackle , and pop ; as a character who has already " died " once , he has nothing to lose and so much to gain . the movie lacks danger . the only thing porter is in jeopardy of is putting the audience to sleep . payback has a gritty , metallic look to it that also becomes monotonous ; its cinematography would be more appropriate in one of those bleak urban psychodramas that come out of england every couple of months . ( director of photography ericson core should have been fired early on for lighting bello , so va-va-va-voom in permanant midnight , to look like a potato in a gregg allman wig . ) to analyze such mediocrity is to grant payback far more attention than it deserves . perhaps only someone as experienced with antagonists-as-protagonists as tarantino-look what he did with the similar hero-less botched-robbery tale reservoir dogs-could have pulled off this material ( a loose remake of john boorman's point blank ) . the movie presents us with the conventions of pulp fiction ( all women are femme fatales ; even the cops are in on it , etc . ) and crosses them with the conventions of cheesy tv crime melodramas ( death is never in the cards for the main character , etc . ) but transcends neither . when you've run out of old tv shows to turn into movies , i guess you try video games . why did i go to see mortal kombat : annihilation ? the quest to seek an answer to this query may prove a better movie that the one i just saw . this film was a bunch of fighting , yelling , special effects , and bad acting set to an oppressive techno music soundtrack . the plot is fairly simple : a portal has opened between our world and the " outworld " , allowing evil forces commanded by shao kahn ( brian thompson ) to wreak havoc and attempt to destroy humanity . the good guys , led by sorcerer rayden ( james remar ) and human mortal liu kang ( robin shou ) , must take the fight to outworld , where the fate of both worlds will be determined . here's the catch : they must reunite princess katana ( talia soto ) , who's on the good side , with her resurrected mother queen sindel ( musetta vander ) , who's on the bad side , for their love for each other will close the portal and ensure humanity's safety for another generation . how this is supposed to work , i still have no idea , but i liked katana's line , " i knew love would keep us together , " since that captain and tennille song ran through my head and i got a good laugh . there are some seriously stupid things in this movie . take , for example , a transportation system which utilizes the " inner winds " , generated by earth's magma flows . you get in this metal ball which transports you through underground tunnels really fast . how fast ? as katana says , " you will be moving so fast , it will be as if you are not moving at all . " what ? later , sonya blade ( sandra hess ) goes to find jax ( lynn " red " williams , otherwise known as " saber " on tv's american gladiators ) at a medical research facility on the island of oahu . how do we know this is where she went ? there's a sign on the facility's perimeter fence that reads : medical research facility - oahu , hawaii . remember , this is not a caption , but an actual sign . i guess the location is on there for all those medical researchers who keep forgetting where they are . there's a lot of major flipping action , too . the first encounter between good and evil shows kahn and rayden swiftly arching though the air toward one another . do they land and immediately get into the fighting ? does one of them land first and catch the other off guard ? do they collide in mid-air ? no , apparently they flip toward each other so they can talk without having to yell from far away . why did they need those metal balls to travel ? everyone could have just flipped from point a to point b . i have to admit , the fight scenes are pretty good , although you can tell they are heavily enhanced by digital effects and fly wires , allowing the characters to surpass the limits of the human body and the laws of physics . the movie's thrills are derived from these scenes and most of the audience responses are on the visceral level when someone gets trashed really badly . " ouch " was the most common expletive heard when i screened this one . you could tell that the filmmakers knew in advance that fights , not plot , would be the main draw , since dialog is apparently in the film just to get from one fight to the next . it seems that's all there is in this movie . maybe it is . as i had mentioned , the acting is bad . there's not one solid performance in the film , although williams as jax was pretty funny . after a fight between sonya and one of the bad guys degenerates into female mud wrestling , jax says , " you look good in mud . no , really , you do . " remar plays rayden with an inconsistency which makes it hard to take his character seriously , and shou is relatively emotionless as liu kang . brian thompson , who has played good guys , bad guys , and even an alien on tv's the x-files , but always some muscle-bound behemoth , is your average evil demi-god , but it's more the script's fault than his own that he doesn't have anything original to say . the one really impressive thing about this movie is that there is not one swear word in the whole hour and a half . another thing which should be noted is that for all its punching and kicking , blood only appears in one scene . all in all , mortal kombat : annihilation is loud , violent , shallow , and marketed toward kids . hey , just like the video game ! the swooping shots across darkened rooftops suggest a very tim burton movie , but , alas , no caped crusader descends to save * this * film . instead , it's a skeletal housemaid ( julia roberts ) who must bear witness to this unfortunate retelling of " dr . jekyll and mr . hyde . " for a few , fleeting , maddening moments , director stephen frears ( dangerous liaisons ) gets everything just right-- the tone , the colors , the characters ; all the ingredients to make a most-powerful potion out of valerie martin's best-selling novel . yet it fizzles too quickly ; the volatile mixture losing potency from the very first scene . casting is a large part of the problem . the story all but collap- ses around ms . roberts-- she doesn't have the range for this kind of drama . her accent also comes and goes , though it's nowhere near as glaring as the total lack of chemistry between her and co-star john malkovich . ( he looks the same in both of his roles-- an incredible fact that's missed by everyone in the story ! ) the very british supporting cast-- including michael gambon and george cole-- gives credibility to the smaller parts . glenn close also appears as a madam that the good doctor calls upon . her performance is as close to intentional camp as the movie ever gets and-- as a bonus-- offers a likely peek at her upcoming cruella de ville in the live-action 101 dalmantions . the biggest botch in mary reilly is suspense : there is none . no terror , no tension ; nothing . without any weight , wit , or wonder to propel the story , the viewer is left with little more to do than pay attention to the period detail , a few buckets of blood , and stuart craig's fabulously dreary production design . all of which gets old after about an hour , at which point i recommend leaving . ( the pacing in the second-half is especially abominable . if you * do * stick it through , your sole reward is a half-hokey special effect depicting the infamous transformation . ) mr . frears reportedly recut his film several times , missing several release dates in the process . ( obviously , no one advised him to throw up his hands and just turn the whole damned thing over to mel brooks . blucher ! ) mary reilly is the second robert louis stevenson story of the month , after muppet treasure island . perhaps mr . frears should consult with brian henson on future projects . i daresay that even ms . piggy is a better choice for a certain roles than julia roberts . and she does have a great chop ! guilt . guilt is something i felt while watching basic instinct for the ninth time ; the penultimate t & a thriller , basic instinct made my last few teenage years worth living . but i know so well that it's a terrible film , made by a terrible director incapable of feeling guilt . verhoeven went on to make the even more offensive showgirls and , on november seventh , 1997 , unleashed starship troopers to innocent moviegoers like me , who cannot control the urge to see giant bug movies . the pic begins with the most unintentional laugh of the year . a simple , white on black title card reads " starship troopers " -my friends and i speculated that the night before the prints were shipped , verhoeven realized he forgot the credits . is this how a hundred million dollar movie should open ? were the rest of the film that subdued . . . starship troopers is about a group of white , blond-haired himbos and bimbos who all have spanish last names . they graduate high school , join the military , and then , rather curiously , decide to travel to an alien planet and destroy all lifeforms on that planet . the story is so incomprehensible , and told so bombastically , it's akin to 129 minutes of someone screaming punishments at you in a foreign tongue . ( aside , club lovers will be happy to know that dance music hasn't changed in the future . ) one plus : starship troopers contains some very funny sequences , specifically the newsreels of the future . hysterically funny , actually . but the cynicism of these reports left me curious as to whether verhoeven felt pessimistic about the story in between . the storytelling lacks focus , to say the least . the politics of the film are scary . the actions of the major female characters are dictated by their out-of-control libidos . there's even a creepy sex scene : the lovely dina meyer makes out , nude , with the sickening van dien while half her face is covered by her opaque sweater , just the way he seems to like it . i use the term sickening because van dien is the least appealing actor i've encountered in a big budget picture ; all chiseled features and machismo , he even barks a eulogy at a funeral like military orders . of course , verhoeven's probably the one to blame , and perhaps i'm jealous because i'm so disgusting . at any rate , a movie called starship troopers shouldn't be about sex . exactly ten years ago , verhoeven made robocop , which was about nothing but skillfully made and oddly moving . and r-rated , despite its goofy premise . maybe it's asking too much for verhoeven to make a pg-movie , then-he's a master of insipid violence . however , ten year old boys would adore starship troopers if they could see it . " what's your favorite new york moment ? " " this one's climbing the charts . " starring john cusack , kate beckinsale , eugene levy , molly shannon . directed by peter chelsom . rated pg-13 . there's no doubt that 95% of romantic comedies follow a distinct pattern : guy sees girl , guy wants girl , guy goes through unreasonable obstacles to get girl , guy gets girl . in rare cases , the genders are flipped . predictability is a given . rarely , though , is a romantic comedy as cheap , as obvious , or as pointless as serendipity , a film that uses its " theme " as an excuse for its plot contrivances . " lightweight " doesn't begin to describe it . this is like anti-gravity . it begins in a new york city bloomingdale's , a product placement that rivals cast away's fedex for sheer blatancy . jonathan trager ( john cusack ) and sara thomas ( kate beckinsale ) both go for the same pair of gloves . after going through the perfunctory motions , jonathan gets to keep the gloves and the two of them go out for ice cream , followed by ice skating . jonathan falls hard , and sara is charmed . when she writes her name and number down on a piece of paper , a truck rumbles by and blows it out of her hand . she takes this as a sign from fate that they shouldn't be together ; jonathan is flabbergasted . to pacify him , she comes up with an idea : jonathan will write his number on a 5 dollar bill , which she will promptly spend . when she gets home , she will write her name and number inside a book ( " love in the time of cholera " ) and sell it to a used bookstore . if the bill gets back to her or the book to him , it will mean that they are meant to be together . three years later . both sara and jonathan are now engaged to other love interests . both realize they aren't content . both go looking for the other . what happens now is so absurd that i'm almost tempted to recommend the film for the sake of seeing it . the two of them run circles around each other in a set of incredible " coincidences " that i would describe as contrivances if it weren't for the film oh-so-cleverly dismissing that criticism by building its plot around " serendipity . " of course , since the movie is about fate , the screenwriter can do anything he damn well pleases . i'm not buying it . there's no suspense in any of this because we know exactly what's going to happen , but serendipity insists on drilling its purportedly " adorable " non-story into our heads . instead of " will they meet ? " the question we're asking is " when will they meet already ? " to make matters worse , every " coincidence " is telegraphed from a mile away ; by the last reel i was bored enough to actively look for signs that something else " incredible " was going to happen . cusack is fine and beckinsale , at least , isn't saddled with another lumbering , clunky screenplay ( she's had bad luck , what with brokedown palace and pearl harbor on her resume ) , just an inanely pointless one . serendipity also relieves the tedium with the amazing eugene levy , who plays a snarky bloomingdale's salesman . what's the interest in watching a movie that spirals around and around a predestined ( no pun intended ) conclusion ? serendipity wants to tug at the heartstrings , but it only tests our patience . i didn't come into city of angels expecting greatness . i've never seen wim wenders' wings of desire , the classic movie upon which city is loosely based . then again , i have seen enough stories which are based upon a similar plot device , with the little mermaid ( both the disney version and the original folktale ) being among them , that i had some high expectations about the possible power such a story of impossible love can hold . unfortunately , city of angels ended up fulfilling few of them . the plot , for those that couldn't tell from the previews , revolves around the angel seth , played with an almost creepy intensity by nicolas cage , who , in the midst of his angelic duties , falls in love with a heart surgeon named maggie ( meg ryan in her most endearing performance since when harry met sally ) . of course , his being an angel prevents him from doing much about his love except appearing at random times to talk to her , watch her buy groceries , only to disappear in the blink of an eye . their love must remain unrequited unless seth decides to make the ultimate sacrifice and become human . using this framework as a jumping-off point , the movie attempts to veer through some heavy philosophical ruminations on the nature of desire , the joys of being human , and the definition of perfection . the first half of the movie succeeds on most points . cage excellently plays the eminently difficult role of an angel who doesn't know feelings so can't really express , preventing the character of seth from getting boring despite his limited repertoire of intent looks and hang-dog expressions . unfortunately , cage takes the intensity too far sometimes , and then seth comes across as more creepy than sensitive . as maggie , ryan manages to be convincing as a heart surgeon who has trouble coming to terms with her having lost a patient on the operating table despite having done everything right . her beauty , unlike her unbearable cuteness in french kiss , is mature , intelligent , and winning . likewise , some interesting ideas float around at the beginning of the film . when the camera pans through traffic jams and libraries and we get to hear the thoughts of the random people who flash across the screen , the audience experiences a little of what it must be like to be an angel . the beautiful camera work , shooting down onto the hectic world of los angeles from the improbable perches of the angels , also gives us a sense of the unique wonder angels feel . the film begins to lose its way , though , when the focus tightens more and more on seth and maggie . the grand , angelic perspective gets lost , except for some idly tossed lines about the incredible beauty of the world through an angel's eyes . the movie devolves into an examination of how seth can't feel the world or , more importantly , he can't feel maggie : he can't smell her hair , feel her touch , or taste the pears she eats . this change in focus attempts to capture the audience in seth's intense longing , but in doing so , the conflict disappears . if he wants maggie so badly , then why doesn't her just make the leap and become human ? after all , what's so great about being an angel ? sure , you get to sit on marlboro signs , but what's that compared to getting to be with meg ryan ? and from there , once the yearning has been established and the romantic denouement must occur , it's all downhill . the philosophy becomes heavy-handed , the dialogue pedestrian when it tries to be deep , and the plot twists simply attempt to yank a few more tears into the audience's hankie . it's the last thirty minutes of the movie , then , that wrecks the film . i feel like the writer , by pulling out all the melodramatic stops , has robbed me of what could have been a genuinely powerful movie experience on both the romantic and the philosophical level . i came out feeling robbed , seeing so much possibility in a film becoming nothing . i could go on longer , but i don't want to " ruin " the end by revealing any of the cheap plot devices the film relies on . city of angels , then , is a paradox . it's a well-acted ( particularly look for dennis franz cutting against type-casting as a happy-go-lucky fallen angel ) , well-filmed , and based on a wonderful idea . all these possibilities , though , are what make the film so unredeemable when the closing credits come up . plot summary : the year is 2024 . the ozone layer has long since gone and the earth is now protected from radiation by a shield invented by connor mccleod . the shield , although saving lives , has made the atmosphere hot and humid . connor is a mortal and a tired old man who has given up hope . on returning from the opera one night connor is accosted by the leader of a " terrorist " organisation . they have tried to find out what the company that now runs the shield unit are covering up . connor is then attacked by two assassins sent by katana from the planet zeist ( like zeit--get it ? ) . they fail and connor becomes immortal again by chopping their heads off . he then brings ramirez back to life in glencoe in scotland . both ramirez and connor are rebel leaders back on zeist and have been sent to earth as punishment . connor now has the option to return being the last one but opts to stay with his new found immortality and fight to find out about the company and the shield . katana meanwhile , fearing connor would return , sets out himself to kill the highlander . if you have never seen it . being a fan of highlander and mr . connery , i was in the cinema as soon as i could to see highlander ii : the quickening . i wish it had been quicker . i feel whatever else you can say about a film ( bad script bad music , etc . ) if you sit just plain bored through most of it then nothing much else needs to be said . the film was short but in my opinion only twelve minutes or so ( the time mr . connery is on the screen for ) is worth watching . the plot sounds a little ridiculous but i was willing to give it a chance . maybe they could pull it off . instead , i find that the characters have completely changed from those in the first film . it's as if they are different people with the same names . witness connor jumping into bed with the leader of the resistance -- where is the attitude of " who wants to live forever , when love must die " gone to ? the love sub-plot * must * have had footage cut out . the highlander and ramirez both seemed aware of powers they had never mentioned before . putting our heroes in deadly situations and then having them walk away because of some new power is very annoying . i still want to know why connor's coat becomes flame proof when he is immortal ! we are not given enough time on zeist to believe in it , nor are we told why advanced aliens still use swords to kill . why not dynamite or laser saws or just plain bullets followed by a quick chop to the neck ? i know the head needs to come off but you could at least immobilise your opponent with laser rifles first . to be fair one assassin tried this but he must be the world's worst shot . meanwhile connor develops luke-skywalker-like powers of laser beam deflection . as for " bad guys , " we see a rebellion on zeist , crushed easier than a grape and then the rest of the plot depends on katana being obsessed with killing mccleod in case he returns to zeist . two assassins are sent , presumably they are meant to be good at killing but an aged connor kills them both with no problems . no more assassins are sent . katana , supposedly a very powerful man goes himself to kill connor . has he no more assassins ? has he no better ? why was the rebellion crushed so easily then ? michael ironside is totally unconvincing ( bring back the kurgan ) . he seems like a cartoon character and really isn't that evil , just stupid and violent . we see the hollywood trick of the chief nasty threatening a child again and killing lots of innocents . yet he still seems like no threat -- perhaps because he seems too stupid to threaten connor , or maybe because his two best assassins wouldn't have been amiss with larry , curly and mo . so much for plot and characters . the music is atrocious . it is at best intrusive and at worst annoying . bring back queen . there was an audible sigh ( of relief ? ) when connor played a queen track in a juke box . i believe this at least is to be corrected for the american release . the acting is at best flat , except for mr . connery . lambert is uninteresting and when he delivered " there can be only one " this time around it just made me wish there had only been one -- highlander . michael ironside is unconvincing ; sorry , michael , i usually like you and everyone else was incredibly forgetable . so why 2/10 ? visually the film is interesting at all times . it has a blade runner feel to it and some of the special effects are quite stunning . add to this an irrepressible sean connery who smiles throughout the whole film -- or is he smirking to himself ? his lines and delivery might make the film worthwhile had it not been so obvious that he cannot take the whole thing seriously at all but hey -- * i'd * have done it for 12 million . oh , and i agree with a previous reviewer , she * does * look like sharon stone but i believe it is her first film . incidentally there is a line producer credited and i hear rumours of highlander iii : the wizard . 200 cigarettes takes place on new year's eve 1981 . monica , played by martha plimpton is having a huge new year's party . everyone in town is trying to get there , but some are caught up in other things . this is the basic plot of 200 cigarettes . as we meet the characters headed towards the party , we are sent into many subplots which are unoriginal , and not interesting at all . this disappointed me greatly . the film should have been more about the party than the people trying to get there in my opinion . lucy , played by courtney love , is with kevin , played by paul rudd . the two are in a relationship that is more of a friendship , but starts to blossom into something more than that . this subplot is extremely boring and dull , and i am getting quite sick of plots like that . janeane garofalo is involved in another subplot , dealing with kevin . she plays ellie , an ex-girlfriend of kevin's . this subplot is completely a waste of garofalo's talent . there was no point to it at all , and it was hardly even in the movie . when lucy runs into a bartender , played by ben affleck , another subplot is formed . the bartender is invited by lucy to come to monica's party . at the bar , he runs into two more girls . the girls are played by angela featherstone and nicole parker , but unfortunately , due to the terrible acting of both of them , i don't even remember their characters names . ben affleck is a good actor , but his character doesn't go anywhere so he doesn't have much screen time to give a good performance . featherstone and parker are horrible in their roles , and they are part of the reason the film is so bad . christina ricci plays val , and gaby hoffman plays stephie . the two girls are trying to get to the party but are extremely lost . they meet some guys and end up going around with them all night . this subplot was alright , but it was quite annoying with stephie's accent . hoffman did an okay job of acting , but ricci did good . she was underused , considering she is such a wonderful actress . another subplot in the film is the relationship between cindy , played by goldie hawn's daughter , and jack , played by jay mohr . jack is an actor who doesn't care about the girls he goes out with , he just likes dates for one night , and the next day he doesn't . kate hudson is a huge klutz . she gets herself into very funny situations , that are the funniest parts in the entire movie . they are probably the only funny parts in the entire movie as well . this subplot could have been used more , mainly due to hudson's performance . mohr wasn't good , but he wasn't bad . he was just alright , which i didn't find acceptable . there is not much to say about the performances in the film . none of the characters are developed or shown enough to really tell if the acting is good or not . the only performances that i can judge are christina ricci's as always good performance , kate hudson's funny role , courtney love's mediocre performance , and paul rudd's annoying and overused performance . i was hoping for a little more out of jaw mohr , ben affleck , casey affleck , gaby hoffman , dave chapelle , and especially out of janeane garofalo . the two strongest things in the film were the great soundtrack and the original costumes . martha plimpton and christina ricci had very different and original outfits which made me feel like i was in the year 1981 . the soundtrack is full of 1980's tunes , ranging from " i want candy " to " tainted love . " the songs in the movie also helped create the feel that you were back in the 1980s . during the film , i often found myself asking the questions , " is there a reason to this ? is there any moral story ? is there a point ? are any of the events going on in the film necessary ? do i care what lucy and kevin are going through ? " the movie is extremely boring , and by the time they reached eleven-o-clock , one hour before midnight , i could not wait for the movie to be over . the plot is okay , but the subplots make it terrible . maybe if the film was about the party , not about the people at the party , it could have been a lot better . the bottom line : just like a slasher movie , this ? 80s comedy is just one too many . i'll bet right now you're just lounging by the pool , humming " i will always love you " and wistfully recalling your candlelight dinners with success . it isn't necessarily over for you : i say you still have enough charm that you could avoid starring in " kevin ! " for at least a few more years . begin by scribbling " the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long " somewhere you'll always see it , perhaps on the fridge door , or on a bedroom mirror with lipstick . you had a heck of a thing going there until you agreed to star in robin hood : prince of thieves , where you were not only upstaged by powerhouses morgan freeman and alan rickman , but christian slater ( ! ) , several dozen tall trees , bows , arrows , and a canoe , too . after dances with wolves and jfk , you decided the world needed more three hour movies , expensive three hour movies , so you starred in and produced wyatt earp ; wyatt earp the man was a boring idiot who made the history books solely due to a general lack of famous wyatts . wyatt earp was so dull a cowboy that he died of natural causes . tombstone was a vastly superior movie based on the same legend , and that featured kurt russell as earp and dana delaney as his girlfriend ! ( she was played by joanna going in your movie-you know , the character known best in wyatt earp as " jew whore " . what were you and lawrence kasdan thinking ? ) now , you're suffering the demise of yet another of your epics , the postman , a film so financially disastrous that it all but eradicated the memory waterworld's and tin cup's mildly lucrative box office takes . the postman is not the worst movie ever made-people in hollywood are quick to forget movies like howard the duck whenever the next bomb comes along . yet it is a ridiculous movie . i suspect you thought you had another braveheart on your hands-why else line up two armies on horesback , all prepared for battle , for the climax of your film ? -but " mailheart " the postman is not . ( i can think of some more appropriate alternate titles : post encounters of the worst kind ; farewell , my salary ; howard the postman ; the postman's never watched twice . . . ) what a brown movie . i hate brown . you love brown . dances with wolves was golden and brown-it looked like an eggo commercial . the postman had me running for a glass of water every two minutes ; would the post-apocalyptic world look this maddeningly bland and dry ? what exactly happened to this desert world , anyway ? did we all become so stupid that we didn't immediately begin rebuilding homes , restaurants , and most importantly , shopping malls , after " the war " ? why did you choose to drive the movie's plot with a dumb group of terrorists who , well , terrorize townfolk across america ? why is it only * they * have ammunition , anyway ? was it really appropriate to cast your daughter as a girl who has a sweet crush on you , the drifter-cum-postman ? why cast english actress olivia williams as an american ? don't you realize that european women can only deliver their big emotional scenes in their native accent ? ( take a look at the less-than-stellar performances of an american-ized nicole kidman or an american-ized minnie driver . ) who could give a damn whether you lived or died at the end of this movie ? if it came down to a fight for leadership between you and the leader of the terrorists , why didn't you do that halfway through the film and save us all a lot of headaches ? why cast will patton as the bad guy ? because you worked with him in no way out ? sure , he's a suitably creepy villain ; know why ? because he's creepy in everything , including armageddon , in which he plays a heroic astronaut who practically slithers into his space suit ! why heroize the most demonic institution in america , the u . s . postal system ? was tom petty supposed to be playing tom petty ? if so , why didn't he look more skeletal ? ( he should have been around 70 years old . ) why , oh why , do i have so many questions ? ( i could ask plenty more . ) shouldn't a three hour running time have provided you enough space to answer everything ? you have one great line in this film , and you deliver it to a mule ! : " the things i like about my ass . . . " i had to wonder . actually , i enjoyed the tone of the opening scenes , a relaxed cynicism , if you'll accept such clunky phrasing-too bad you couldn't resist the temptation to film yet another love letter to your country . ultimately , i'm saying relax . there is no quota , no need for you to make a picture a year . settle down . really question future screenplays before you commit to them . feel free to write back . i know how much you like letters . " i seem to have glued myself . . . to myself . " starring jason biggs , seann william scott , chris klein , thomas ian nichols , allyson hannigan , shannon elizabeth , natasha lyonne , tara reid , mena suvari , eugene levy , jennifer coolidge . directed by j . b . rogers . rated r . american pie 2 reunites the cast members from american pie in a different setting ; instead of being high school seniors looking to score before they graduate , they are now past their first year of college and have gathered in a beach house to enjoy the summer of their lives . jim ( jason biggs ) is still an insecure geek looking to improve his performance , oz ( chris klein ) is still the sweetest guy on the block , having sickeningly saccharine phone conversations with his studying-abroad girlfriend , stifler ( seann william scott ) is still a horny stoner , kevin ( thomas ian nichols ) still has no personality and finch ( eddie kaye thomas ) still longs for stifler's mom . have i missed anyone ? so , obviously , not much has changed . this is not a problem , provided that the movie boasts the rapid-fire hilarity and unexpectedly true sentiment of the original . but american pie 2 is the very definition of " sequelitis . " it's coarser , yes , and it pushes the envelope even more , but its heart isn't in it . it's easy cash to capitalize off the first film's success , but it would have been a worthier investment to prolong the franchise by coming up with something original . part of the reason why the film doesn't work , i think , is that while in the original the kids' quest for sex was a coming-of-age stepping stone as much as an outlet for their horniness . here , everything has been cheapened . they behave like those idiot frat boys who kill themselves drinking ; they have no motivation except for sex , sex , beer and sex . that's not to say that you can't make a decent comedy from that premise , but it is one of american pie 2's undoings . missing , too , is the sweetness that permeated american pie , the this-could-be-you quality of the main players . here , the characters are too aware of themselves as pop-culture icons , and they're even more one-note . stifler and finch are now caricatures while jim , oz and kevin are forced to make awkward self-discoveries at arbitrary moments , none of them betraying what the writers think the audiences want to see . and then there's the soon-to-be-notorious scene where jim superglues " himself to himself , " which perfectly demonstrates yet another of the film's ailments , one that also permeated say it isn't so , director j . b . rodgers' debut . there's a fine line between comedy and abject humiliation , and american pie 2 is on the wrong side of it . it's hard to laugh at the characters when you are profoundly embarrassed for them . i shielded my eyes watching this more than i have watching any horror movie . if there's one redeeming factor to american pie 2 , it's the inimitable eugene levy as jim's dad , who pops in on jim as he's about to score and utters lines like " your mother and i have been known to get frisky . . . not so much anymore , but . . . " and then when the girl's parents walk in , blurts out " this must be your daughter ! i didn't get her name , but hopefully my son did . " if only the rest of the movie had the wit and wisdom of levy's performance . this is an unworthy sequel to a gross-fest that brought back the raunchy teen comedy . the box-office of this onw should keep the genre going strong , which is disappointing . the genre needs a hiatus ; filmmakers are getting lazy . i'll be the first to admit it . when you mention the book great expectations , i immediately begin experiencing flashbacks to junior high english class , where i was confronted with a torturously boring book filled with people with such nonsensical names as pip and magwitch . yes , it's a classic of literature , but it was a rather dry one , shoved down my young throat like a spoonful of bitter medicine . certainly , the experience wasn't truly that bad , but , to quote ethan hawke in the latest movie adaptation of said book , " i'm not going to tell the story the way it happened . . . i'll gonna tell it the way i remember it . " anyway , to return from nostalgia lane , and get back to the present , hollywood , in it's trendy attempt to modernize the classics , now presents an updated film version of great expectations . instead of pip , this time the central character is named finn ( played as a boy by jeremy kissner , and by ethan hawke as an adult ) . finn is an orphan being raised by his unfaithful sister maggie , or should that be mrs . joe , ( kim dickens ) , and her boorish fisherman husband , joe ( chris cooper ) . the setting is the florida coast during the mid-70s . finn is a blooming artist , and spends his time running around the beach drawing fish ( one of his two favorite subjects ) . during one of these escapades , he literally stumbles upon an escaped criminal ( robert deniro ) . borrowing a page from the superhuman max cady , deniro's criminal has a seemingly limitless lung capacity , and favors hiding on the ocean floor . ok . . . maybe that's an exaggeration , but he certainly beats any of houdini's records in the opening scenes of the film . and that's nothing next to the fuel efficiency of finn's motorboat , but i digress . anyway , finn does the convict a good deed , just to show that he's a really swell guy . and then the plot moves on . enter miss havisham . . . or ms . dinsmoor here ( anne bancroft ) . abandoned at the altar some 26 years ago , ms . dinsmoor is the epitome of the crazy rich old maid . with bizarre clothing , eccentric mannerisms and a few pounds of makeup , anne bancroft seriously overacts in this role . although she ends up nowhere near a believable character , she does add some humor to the film . joe is hired to help with the gardening at her unkempt manner , but the insane ms . dinsmoor soon hires finn to be a plaything for her niece , estella ( raquel beaudene as a young girl , gwyneth paltrow as an adult ) . for no apparent reason , other than to provide the main plot of the film , finn is instantly stricken for the estella . perhaps it's her snooty attitude or her utter disdain for his person , or maybe finn has simply never met a girl before . in any case , neither as children nor adults , chemistry simply doesn't exist between the two , and yet finn spends the remainder of the film pining for her . even when , as an adult , finn arrives in new york at the behest of a mysterious benefactor , reacquaints himself with estella , and draws her portrait in the nude , there's nothing . in fact , there is more sexual tension between helen hunt and greg kinnear's gay artist during a similar scene in as good as it gets . at this point , the audience has grown as cold and detached as estella's character , and couldn't care less about the two characters . the bulk of the blame here falls upon gwyneth paltrow . she fails to imbue estella , a remote character in the book , with even the vaguest traces of humanity . there's obviously something wrong when , watching the film , you're more interested with how big her nose looks in silhouette than you are about her character . without a strong estella , finn's obsession seems baseless . you wish he would just stop whining , let estella marry his rival , walter plane ( an oddly subdued hank azaria ) , and just get on with his life . in fact , the two relationships that work in the film are purely tangential to the main plot . finn's relationship with his brother-in-law , joe , is interesting , if a bit stereotypical . what's more fascinating are his interactions with deniro . although it's only a bit part , it goes to show how much vitality a strong actor can create . it is apparent that director alfonso cuarsn put a lot of work in creating the imagery of the film . some of the shots work , but others are too obviously staged ( for example , both of the water fountain scenes ) to have any impact . finn's art ( actually the creations of italian painter , francesco clemente ) is used throughout the film , but it mostly fails to have the intended effect . we never see why finn would generate this style of art , which is simultaneously crude and insightful . as a result , it ends up as distant as the rest of the film . modernizing the classics is currently in vogue ( just see william shakespeare's romeo+juliet ) . simply update the action to a modern setting , and apply plenty of modern rock . but such adornments do little to perk up great expectations . as much as i dreaded the novel when i first read it , you'd probably be better off suffering though a reading than watching this romanceless film . " you damn dirty apes ! " that's just one of the inadvertenty hilarious lines from planet of the apes that's taken on a comedic context over time . no one back then seemed to realize how over-the- top charlton heston's acting style was , but it shows now , particularly in this " mystery science theater 3000 " wannabe that was taken for a film masterpiece in its time , actually winning one oscar ( for makeup , no less ) and being nominated for a couple others . it also spawned multiple sequels like beneath the planet of the apes , escape from the planet of the apes , return of the planet of the apes , beneath the escape from the return of the planet of the apes , planet of the apes : the next generation , police academy of the apes . . . the list goes on . heston is an american astronaut who spends a few thousand light years in space with his three companions and ends up on a planet not too dissimilar from earth . the thing is , on this planet humans can't talk or think and the guys in the gorilla masks are the dominant species . heston's companions are killed or turned into vegetables by the apon is imprisoned . he surprises them all with his gift of speech , making two primate scientists ( roddy mcdowall and kim hunter ) believe heston is the missing link between ape and man . believe me , we movie critics have been thinking the same thing for years . when the two apes present the idea before a judicial counsel ( the head ape being shakespearean actor maurice evans ) , it is received as heresy , for all good monkeys know god " created ape in his image . " but heston has already seen a cave that contains evidence that humans were originally the dominant species , before apes ever gained the ability to speak and run for president . and he takes them there , holding up a baby doll and yelling , " if humans couldn't speak , then how do you account for this talking doll ? ! " and how do you account for your acting ability , mr . heston ? the absolute most laughable scene comes with the movie's surprise conclusion . i won't reveal the details except to say it involves heston falling to his knees on a beach and yelling " god damn you all to hell ! " several times in succession . the movie is atrocious and should only be viewed by those members of society who like to watch bad movies and laugh at them . what makes planet of the apes even more amusing is that it was supposed to function as some sort of social irony , a condemnation of fundamentals who reject the theories of evolution . but let me tell you , if darwin could see the ape masks and hear the rotten dialogue exchanges ( heston [to female ape] : may i kiss you before i go ? ape : but . . . you're so . . . ugly . ) , he'd convert to creationism on the spot . luckily for us , science-fiction movies have evolved over time to the point at which some of them are actually good . new address . same old attitude . don't forget to recommend a film , read the journal , or send me some of that nasty hate mail . ) starring bruce willis , billy bob thornton , liv tyler , ben affleck written by jonathan hensleigh and j . j . abrams directed by michael bay it rocks-actually , lots of rocks fly at us or from us , in slow or fast motion , at several points in the film . they seem like dangerous rocks because they kind of twirl through the air instead of just propelling forward , and when they land-once in a while , when we need a break from the space sequences-they cause damage enough to destroy the chrysler building and the like . ( nary a mention of these apocalyptic events is made after they occur . ) they also just might be the most interesting element of armageddon , a steroid user's answer to deep impact . bruce willis stars as harry stamper , a famed oil-driller commissioned by the white house and nasa to stop a giant asteroid before it travels beyond " zero barrier " and destroys our planet . why an oil driller ? they require someone experienced with deep-core mining to plant a nuclear missile into said asteroid . ( in one unintentionally ( ? ) hilarious sequence , nasa asks harry to inspect a deep-core driller they built based on his own blueprints ; it is poorly constructed-harry criticizes almost every aspect of it . we trust nasa to build space shuttles that can land on twirling asteroids ? ) harry assembles the obligatory " ragtag " bunch of " cowboys " , including a blond guy , a fat guy , a black guy , a wiseass , and the man who is sleeping with his daughter ( affleck ) . once they reach space , we experience sequence after sequence of something going wrong-perhaps the fact that they sent a bunch of nincompoops into outer space has something to do with it ; i cannot count the number of times they almost fail the mission on all my fingers and toes . whether or not they save the day , i will not reveal . nor will you care . i will say this : you know you're in trouble when deep impact dwarfs your asteroid movie in terms of emotion and scope . willis has barely a chance to come alive ; ditto for affleck . their big scenes are mostly reserved for the third act , in a last minute-and futile-attempt to inject warmth into the material . steve buscemi's character-the wiseass-is exceptionally problematic . " rockhound " , as he's called , is sarcastic and foolish , so they tape him to a chair , where he spends most of the film . so why did they bring him up there to begin with ? rather , why write him into the film ? -give his almost-witty one-liners to serious willis , who scowls and mopes and demonstrates psychotic tendencies : at one point he chases after affleck with his shotgun for screwing his daughter , firing often and causing significant damage to his oil rig . i'm guessing he qualifies under nasa guidelines as someone unfit for space travel , at least in my world where the sky is blue . liv tyler is pretty and humourless , as always ; suspiciously , four of her father's band's ( " aerosmith " ) songs grace the soundtrack . director michael bay lays the visual and sound effects on thick , like ketchup , eventually drowning the movie on-screen . ( the middle hour is a non-sensical , pyrotechnic assault on the average primate's brain . ) whenever someone dies in this movie , a crew member inevitably yells out " we lost ( insert dead person's last name here ) ! " i must admit that not once could i distinguish a dead oil-guy-cum-astronaut from a live one , and close-ups of the corpses' faces beneath cracked helmets provided little assistance , as their skin was often covered in fake blood . armageddon is not as terrible movie as godzilla . it looks nicer , and has fewer plot-holes within its equally ludicrous framework . it has a vivid soundmix . but at almost two-and-a-half hours , i could not believe how little actually happened over the course of the story . the love story has been played up in the ads , perhaps hoping to catch people before they recover from titanic-fever . bollocks ! the lovers in the film are miles apart throughout-erase all thoughts of nude sketching or car-sex and replace them with obligatory shots of liv tyler tearing up while ben affleck dicks around in a moon-crawler . remember a little film called jaws ? in this film , three independent-minded men suddenly found themselves on a fishing boat in pursuit of a deadly shark . they didn't much like each other at first ; eventually , they started to respect one another . one of jaws' great scenes involved the would-be-ahabs drinking and singing songs and telling stories . this is the sort of male-bonding foreign to bay or his producer , jerry bruckheimer , who throw too many characters into the mix and expect we'll care about them on the grounds that the world is about to end . not once do we get the feeling that these characters are even acquaintances-i'd be surprised if these actors bothered to introduce themselves to one another before " action " was called . a male friend who loved the film suggested to me that perhaps i cannot relate to a bunch of men who don't bare their souls , who believe in dying macho concepts like heroism and a kind of chest-beating bravery . to this , i will respond that the boys in armageddon are neither heroic , nor brave , nor smart , even : this team couldn't build a birdhouse . and if i get no respect for disliking a movie with all the synthetic feeling of a trailer-a trailer for a movie written by a team of body-builders and greeting card authors-i've never been a prouder wimp my whole life . the one question that eats at me after seeing corky romano is why touchstone spent so much money marketing this throwaway film . since june , i haven't been able to turn on the tv or go to the movies without getting hit by some ad depicting chris kattan as the spastic corky , shrieking out a-ha's " take on me " in his yellow miata . why would disney sink so much cash into the corky hype machine ? honestly , i was hoping that all the goofball ads were actually a front for a decently funny movie . man , was i wrong . corky romano is one of those throwaway , clich ? -ridden tv-star-to-film vehicles built upon the most rickety of plots . fortunately for chris kattan's precariously positioned career , corky does have some good laughs , even if most of them are of the lowest-brow variety . kattan plays the title character , the unsinkable assistant veterinarian corky who has a penchant for sunshiny '80s tunes , bright ties , and banal coffee mug slogans ( " you don't have to be crazy to work here , but it sure helps . " ) . when his mob boss dad ( peter falk ) is about to be put away on murder charges , his bungling , lughead brothers ( peter berg and chris penn ) rope in innocent , black sheep corky to infiltrate the fbi as an agent and steal the evidence . predictably , hijinks ensue . if the basic plot sounds bad , wait until you get into the inner-workings of this clunker . the writers will amaze you with the depth of their inanity . corky's fbi agent identity is named corky pissant ( " that's pronounced pees-ahn . it's french . " ) . he becomes a first-rate agent by accidentally stumbling mr . magoo-style onto the proper clues and talking his way in and out of situations , which plays like something out of a sitcom . and not a good sitcom , i mean . the romano family brothers even insult each other by farting in each other's face . and in a scene taken straight from there's something about mary , corky gives a dachshund mouth-to-mouth resuscitation . but it's not a complete disaster . the manic kattan does occasionally rescue some comic moments , including a bit featuring a cat in a fat suit named jesus and another involving schoolchildren , a german shephard , and a kilo of cocaine . plus , berg -- whose career has obviously gone downhill since the last seduction and chicago hope -- gives a great turn as the illiterate brother paulie . and , it's nice to see that richard roundtree of shaft fame is getting work . unfortunately for those out there who can't truly appreciate animal or fart jokes , corky won't have much to offer you . so the next time one of those pesky ads appears on your tv , asking , " who is corky ? " you can simply reply , " who cares ? " kids today , they don't just want to see heartthrob and master thespian freddie prinze jr . loving on the ladies . no , they want to see him doing something that takes a little more in the acting department : namely , playing baseball . through a series of drippy voiceovers , we are informed that there's no better proving ground for major league baseball than the cape cod summer baseball leagues , where college also-rans and hopeful dropouts go to play in the hopes of attracting big league attention . our man freddie has landed a spot as a pitcher on the prestigious chatham a's , where he is hoping for his big break . it's only after he is given ample time to show off his abs and scamper about in a woman's thong ( don't ask ) that we learn what the real story of summer catch will be : that prinze is a poor townie named ryan dunne , struggling to make a name for himself ; that neither his father ( fred ward ) nor brother ( jason gedrick ) pulled themselves out of their blue collar jobs and resent anyone who tries ; and that the local beauty tenley -- tenley ! ( jessica biel ) -- is so far out of his league that he probably shouldn't even bother . . . but of course he makes a play for her . summer catch also makes an abortive stab at another half a dozen subplots -- the jealousy of fellow townie and brazen slut dee dee ( brittany murphy ) , the alienation felt by ryan's non-baseball playing best friend ( gabriel mann ) , or the fat chick fetish of fellow player miles ( marc blucas ) . worst of these is a ludicrous bit involving that '70s show's wilmer valderrama and beverly d'angelo , both of whom appear in the film simply to provide a nutty mrs . robinson-like substory and to remind you of how much better done that was in bull durham . in fact , virtually all of summer catch feels like it's been done better somewhere else . for starters , the film has a major question of identity . it's definitely not a sports movie , and it fails pretty miserably at being a romance . the worst part is the amateurish script ( co-written by an arli$$ writing alumnus and a guy that starred in leprechaun 3 ) , chock-full of phony emotion . by the end , it all becomes a platform for each character to deliver a soliloquy to ryan that he must take to heart . dad is on hand to give fatherly yet drunken advice . coach ( brian dennehy , just loving the fact that he's got some work on the big screen ) is on hand to give the curmudgeonly counterpoint . ryan's catcher ( matthew lillard , playing himself again ) is on hand to tell ryan to " play catch " with him and make fun of the fat fetish guy . ryan's stoner best friend is on hand to give the go-get-'em-tiger-we're-behind-you talk . and the girlfriend is on hand to give heartwarming-nuzzly-follow-your-dreams counsel . before long , you start to wonder : is freddy prinze jr . is capable of having a thought of his own ? don't answer that . the only real joy in the film is found in biel's character , and not just because of the skimpy outfits , which are also usually wet . she's the only one in the movie that is able to do much with her role , taking the rebelling-against-daddy character to at least a passing grade . when she's on screen , the time flies by . when she's not , you realize that for some ungodly reason this movie is almost two hours long . for a pg-13 teen romance ( despite near-constant sexual innuendo ) , one has to ask warner brothers : what were you thinking ? ? ? for her part , biel has fallen so far from her 7th heaven roots that she has almost become denise richards . hollywood is either about to eat her alive . . . or vice versa . either way , good luck , jessica . as for freddie , if he keeps pumping teen romances out at the rate of two a year , prinze's next " summer catch " is liable to be a venereal disease . plot : two sister witches have to live with a curse placed upon their family , which prevents them from ever enjoying a full life with a lover . the hex invokes the eventual demise of their loved one . when one of their past loves comes back to haunt them , they have to figure a way out of their eternal dilemma . critique : i've been waiting for a good witch movie for a while now , but hold on to your brooms and incantations , cause this puppy is far from being it ! for a film that has the word " magic " in its title , this movie contains very few moments of magic . . . or humor for that matter , drama , suspense , or romance . well actually , there is some manufactured romance within a plot that is so muddled , it never lets you in on whether it's a comedy , a drama , a horror show , or a murder mystery . or maybe it's a romance , eh ? it doesn't really matter , cause the characters in the film are so boring and uninteresting , that you have absolutely no basis on which to care for them , or the film as a whole . if only the filmmakers had spent as much time on the plot as they did the sinfully obvious soundtrack , this film might've had a chance to be more than what it is now . which is an unentertaining , crappy film that uses the witch angle as a diversionary tactic to weave us away from its grab-bag of stupid voice-overs , overdone songs , melodramatic romance , undeveloped story and uneven acting . i only wish that i could make that one hour and forty-five minutes of my life re-appear , but alas , it is lost in the spiritual world of " interesting ideas gone wildly awry " . little known facts about this film and its stars : this film is based on the novel written by alice hoffman . co-screenwriter akiva goldsman also wrote the screenplay for 1997's batman & robin . director griffin dunne is known mainly as an actor in such films as an american werewolf in london and after hours . tri-star ; rated r ( language , sexual situations , violence ) ; 87 minutes director and writer : darren stein cast : rose mcgowan , rebecca gayheart , judy greer , julie benz , chad christ , ethan erickson , carol kane , pam grier , tatyana m . ali . review by : geoff berkshire jawbreaker is the very definition of a " rip-off . " this uninspired teen comedy takes equal parts carrie ( 1976 ) , heathers ( 1989 ) and clueless ( 1995 ) and mixes in all the necessary teen movie clich ? s . along the way writer/director darren stein forgets to give the film a life of its own . the film opens with a voice over from geeky fern mayo ( judy greer ) about the four most popular girls at reagan high : courtney shayne ( rose mcgowan ) who can basically be summed up as satan in heels , julie freeman ( rebecca gayheart ) a good girl with the face of a supermodel , marcie fox ( julie benz ) a dim-witted blonde who demands that people call her " foxy " , and liz purr ( charlotte roldan ) an angel in disguise . liz is everyone's favorite because she's both beautiful and kind . liz is about to turn 17 and , as a prank , courtney convinces the other girls to help her in kidnapping liz on her birthday morning . in order to keep liz from making any noise courtney stuffs a jawbreaker into her mouth before they gag her . they then stuff liz in the trunk of courtney's car but when they open it later , polaroid camera waiting to capture the moment , their lives will never be the same : poor liz has swallowed the jawbreaker and choked to death with it lodged in her throat ( the audience is treated to a few too many graphic looks at liz's dead body ) . courtney , thinking fast , decides to pass the death off as a rape/murder and marcie and a reluctant julie assist her . things get complicated when fern discovers what the three girls are up to . in order to keep her quiet courtney comes up with another plan and transforms geeky fern into " vylette " , hoping that she will also help to replace liz in the minds of the devastated students . up until about this point the film is effective enough . however , an investigation begins into liz's death and the film becomes excessively dull . the recently rediscovered talents of pam grier are thoroughly wasted in the role of detective vera cruz and the film is downright insipid in its treatment of both the characters and the audience during this long middle stretch . courtney's plan to frame a sleazy guy ( marilyn manson , in a brief cameo ) is never believable for a second . meanwhile , the audience is stuck watching a string of random events which fail to develop the characters or add anything of interest to the plot . julie leaves the group and begins a lame romance with aspiring actor zack ( chad christ ) . he apparently gives her the courage to turn on courtney but the way things develop only make julie look stupid . fern's rise to popularity is equally lame . we do get the best scene in the film ( the only one with a spark of originality ) during this section . it's a smart and subversive bit where courtney gets the high school's resident jock stud dane ( ethan erickson ) to demonstrate , using a popsicle , exactly what he would like for her to do to him . it at least provides us with a look at courtney's personality but the way the scene finishes doesn't make any sense . stein is very conscious of the teen movie tradition he is working in and not only freely borrows major plot elements but also includes direct acknowledgment of this with some stunt casting . william katt and p . j . soles ( students in carrie ) are liz's distraught parents , jeff conaway ( from grease ( 1978 ) ) is julie's creepy single dad and carol kane ( the frightened babysitter in when a stranger calls ( 1979 ) ) camps it up as principal miss sherman . at times jawbreaker feels simply like teen cinema's greatest hits but the audience is cheated with watered down interpretations of the best this genre has to offer . the only notable aspect of jawbreaker is the incredibly stylish look . the costume design by vickie brinkford and the production design by jerry fleming are both bright and vivid . they were apparently instructed to work from the color palette of a jawbreaker and the screen is always splashed with bits of vibrant color . director of photography amy vicent , who beautifully lensed eve's bayou ( 1997 ) , does a remarkable job here as well . shot composition and camera movement is consistently impressive . performances are mostly sub-par with mcgowan providing only a few good moments ( compared with her excellent work in the doom generation ( 1995 ) and scream ( 1996 ) ) and gayheart making the biggest impression due to the sweet nature of her character and her obvious beauty . none of the actors look as if they have set foot inside a high school within the last five years with the exception of actress/singer tatyana ali , who has a small role as a cheerleader . the male cast all resemble male models and are credited with names like " auto stud , " " college stud , " and " high school stud #2 . " the soundtrack is decent and imperial teen's catchy " yoo hoo " makes a bigger impression than any other aspect of the film . " with all that education , you should know what happiness is . " starring sylvia chang , teresa hu , hsu ming , li lieh , mao hsueh-wei ; directed by edward yang ; written by yang and wu nien-chen ; cinematography by christopher doyle and chang hui-kung every country has , eventually , its new wave . france had its nouvelle vague , brazil its cinema novo , china its fifth generation , and on and on . some waves just take longer than others , before they wash over us , cleansing us with the balm of discovery . taiwan's new wave came in the 1980s , in the work of directors like hou hsiao-hsien , wan jen , and edward yang ; that day , on the beach--yang's first feature--is central . it created a new language for young taiwanese directors , even if the first attempts to speak that language were hesitant and faltering . later works refined the techniques that yang first explored here , giving taiwan a distinctive international presence . that day itself is long and frustrating , the document of a nation's attempt to find a voice . it does not lack ambition . it anatomizes urban life in modern taiwan , in the manner of antonioni , elaborating the alienation that the westernized white-collar middle-class feel as their lives are shaped by old-fashioned roles--dedicated career men , loyal housewives--that they find unfulfilling . jia-li ( sylvia chang ) is the focus , but the film brings others into its compass--her husband , her brother , friends from her college days--as it charts her discontents . no one is happy . jia-li married her husband , we-lei , at a young age . at the time , her brother had been urged into an arranged marriage , despite his affection for another woman , and so jia-li's marriage seemed , in comparison , a good one : she chose we-lei of her own free will , they loved each other . but it goes wrong . that day dutifully presents all the clich ? s : we-lei becomes absorbed in his career , indulges in an affair with a co-worker ; jia-li feels restless and trapped , bound by a choice she made while young , but which no longer seems wise . the film never redeems these clich ? s by conveying the feel of authentic experience , the intensity of lived pain , and much of it seems trite and belaboured . it unfolds , awkwardly , as a series of flashbacks , told during a luncheon in vienna , where jia-li meets her brother's old flame ( teresa hu ) , now a concert pianist , whom she has not seen since college . both women seem rather sad , and resigned to their sadness . their circumstances ( and those of jia-li's brother and a college friend ) suggest not so much that they have made the wrong choices--married the wrong man , chosen the wrong career path , etc . --but rather that the choices available to them were inadequate . it is not that jia-li married the wrong man ; she didn't . the problem is that she needed to marry at all--and that if she did not marry , she would still be just as unhappy . for a woman in modern taiwan , that day tells us , the cards are stacked , the dice are loaded : she can play the game , but the house always wins . the film's sympathetic feminist implications are presumably the reason it caused such controversy upon its release in taiwan . seen now , it does not seem provocative . indeed , it's hard to imagine anyone having felt passionate enough about the film to generate any controversy : it may be ambitious , it may be innovative , but it is also terribly , terribly dull . and what was new for taiwan was not necessarily new for the rest of us : yang adopts methods established years before by antonioni and others , and his use of those methods is fumbling , uncertain , undisciplined . nor does he bring anything new--other than the locale--to the material . there are moments when that day takes on some of the emotional richness it strives for--in a young couple's first kiss , in the awkward meeting of a woman and her husband's mistress--but they are brief . too often , yang devotes needless time to mundane scenes--grocery shopping , flower-arranging--in which nothing happens , little is said , no emotion imparted . perhaps , if the film were content to focus on such reflective , inward moments , leaving us to guess at thoughts and feelings , it might have been ambiguous , suggestive , insinuating . but jia-li and her disaffected companions do not only brood in silence : they talk about their problems , at length , in detail , redundantly , and eliminate all subtleties . at two hours and forty-five minutes , it all seems exorbitantly long , indulgently long-winded . consider the defining moment for jia-li , the titular day on the beach . the thrust of the whole film explains , easily enough , what we are to think of that moment , what it means when she walks away from a particular situation . even so , the film has not one but two characters explain it for us verbally , in case we may have missed the point . needless time is devoted to expressing what should have remained unexpressed , and that is the problem throughout . the look of the film is as tedious as the drawn-out narrative . it was the first feature shot by christopher doyle--at least , it's his name in the credits--who is now rightly regarded as one of the world's leading cinematographers . in the freewheeling expressionism of his work with directors like chen kaige and wong kar-wai , he seems incapable of fashioning a boring image . you would never know it from watching that day , which , due either to doyle's inexperience or yang's humdrum direction , is almost perverse in its insistence on making the physical environment seem as drab and banal as possible . in scrutinizing the long decay of a marriage , that day manages to capture the ennui of the experience , but none of the damage , none of the heartbreak . the first in a very long list of things wrong with " i still know what you did last summer " is the title . think about it for a second . if the last movie was called " i know what you did last summer " , wouldn't the next movie have to be " i still know what you did two summers ago " ? if anyone working on this movie had an i . q . greater than five would have thought about it logically and said , " hey . . . wait a minute " . but alas , the people behind this film are obviously idiots , so i won't hold them to that . what i will hold them to is the fact that they have a pretty bad movie on their hands , even for a teenage slasher flick . i guess i'm one of the few critics who actually kind of liked the original film ( emphasis on the " kind of " ) . it wasn't great or anything and maybe not even necessarily good , but at least it didn't have me glancing at my watch every minute or so like it's sequel did . there are just so many problems with this movie that it's hard trying to figure out where to start . first of all , i guess , is the setting . the movie offers no rational reason why the film had to take place in the bahamas , other than the fact that the producers wanted a seaside setting . exactly why does the fisherman want to go through all the trouble of faking a radio contest to get julie james ( jennifer love hewitt , one of the only survivors of the first film ) and her new college buddies out to the islands before he hacks them up ? the movie suffers from this kind of logic all the way through . in one scene , julie is in a tanning booth at a deserted gym when the hooked fisherman with the slicker comes in and seals up the booth so the damsel in distress can't get out , no matter how hard she tries . when julie discovers she's going to slowly fry to death , she screams for help and her friends come to her rescue . now , this is all fine and dandy except for one thing ; instead of spending five minutes trying to bust open the booth , why not just turn the freakin' thing off ? in another scene , one of the characters , after having their significant other all but decapitated by the man in the slicker , says to julie , " just don't tell anybody it rained the whole time . " oh yeah , i've just been terrorized by a hook wielding sociopath and had some of my best friends gruesomely slaughtered , but hey , i'll crack jokes anyway . after all , it is in the script . the film's only saving graces are a few well-executed suspense sequences and a really cool cameo by the " re-animator himself , jeffrey combs . he brings some good comic relief and life to an otherwise limp movie . way to go , jeffrey . i have a hunch that the reason this film fizzles while the first one at least kept it's head above water is the recent absence of writer kevin williamson . with " scream " and even it's sequel , he displayed a real talent as a screenwriter . his ear for dialogue and the terrific endings he puts on all his films make him a standout from all the rest of the horror writers , and i think " i still know " has really suffered by not having him on board . the cool atmosphere is still there this time around , but i just didn't like the characters or the writing as much as i did in the first one . even though the movie doesn't have williamson , it still has a hacky ending , trying to do what kevin did with the first two " scream " s by ( some may consider this a spoiler , but if you have seen any horror movies whatsoever , then you should be able to guess the identity of the madman within twenty minutes ) having two killers and , this time , having one of them being a family member to the other . i think someone in the audience put it best when , after the movie had ended with another " the killer is back ! " cliffhanger , he said " who is this time , the grandma ? " all in all , " i still know " tries to be as successful as the first the film was , but really fails in the attempt . i mean , it's okay when slasher movies rip-off each other , but when they start copying themselves . . . " there's nothing new under the sun " is a phrase often used when the speaker actually means " let's find something to copy . " of course there are very few completely original ideas . even earth-shattering concepts are built upon the vast body of human experience . there is , after all , no need to re-invent the wheel time after time . recently it seems that hollywood doesn't feel the need to even re-write the script . my understanding of the word " sequel " is a continuation of the story . the film industry has defined the word to mean reshooting the original with minor changes . have an overwhelming desire to see an inferior version of brian depalma's adaptation of the steven king novel ? this is your dream come true . rachel ( emily bergl ) , a high school outcast , is beginning to notice weird things happening around her . doors slam shut by themselves . glass globes blow up . her mother has severe mental problems and her father is absent . a popular boy unexpectedly asks her out . the in-crowd conspires to embarrass her at a public event . any of this sound familiar ? once the audience catches on that this is the same story as " carrie " , there's little to do but wait for the inevitable ending . the effects are a bit better this time around , but the film doesn't work nearly as well . there are a couple of minor plot differences . rachel lives with foster parents because her mother is institutionalized . the boys at her school are portrayed as even more evil than in the original . they keep score of their scoring with points given for each conquest . and , uh , there must be other story changes but none stand out . one nice touch is the casting of amy irving again as sue snell . over 20 years ago she was the one girl who tried to help carrie . now a high school counselor , she befriends rachel , but her character's potential is squandered . there's too much about sue that doesn't make sense . after the slaughter when carrie kills most of her classmates , sue is driven mad and spends time in the institution that rachel's mother is in . still living in the same small town , the woman with a well-known history of mental problems is hired as a high school counselor ? sue tells rachel that her telekinesis is a genetic disease . this may be the one original idea in the film , but the reasoning behind describing psychic powers as a " disease " is never explained . sue's eventual fate is an admission by director katt shea and writer rafael moreu that they had an interesting character but couldn't figure out what to do with her . blink and you'll miss it . some of the events are filmed in black and white , but the rationale for this is unknown . it doesn't add anything and the choice of scenes appears somewhat random . " the rage " retains some of the trappings of " carrie " without the meaning . in the first film the color red was a motif connected to carrie's onset of powers at the same time she began menstruating . here there's an abundance of red , but for no apparent purpose . the casting of high school jocks and cheerleaders as villains is beginning to wear thin . one might be lead to suspect that most filmmakers were unpopular in school and the history of teenage films is an extended cinematic revenge of the nerds . the biggest mistake the film makes is including clips of the original . seeing sissy spacek on the screen only points to the quality of that film - and the flaws in this one . plot outline - wendy ( samantha press ) , a jazz singer , loves mack ( hugo race ) a criminal and wanna be rock singer who's planning a bank heist . mack is also being tailed by a couple of cops , one an inexperienced rookie ( dominic sweeney ) , the other ( john flaus ) a worn out veteran who frequents wendy's jazz club . they're tailing mack , because he has an audiotape that may show evidence of governmental corruption . meanwhile wendy's sexually awakener , fifteen year old sister ( rebecca elmaloglou ) has moved in with her , and is secretly watching mack and wendy's late night love trysts ? much zaniness ensues the review : main problem first - about 2% of rood rock star to actor conversions in filmdom ever really work . unfortunately , trying to cast hugo race as a violent , sexy criminal falls into the " what the hell where they thinking " category that takes up 98% of the rest . but , hell , it's not as if he's the only problem in this well-intentioned but ultimately below average aussie thriller . leads , race and samantha press are wooden and dull , hampered by some unfortunate attempts at sexy dialogue early on . though they do manage some heat later in their love scenes , helped , no doubt by them keeping their mouths shut . the film suffers every time the story shifts back to these two . which is unfortunately , the other main story isn't any great shakes either . the second part , concerning two cops , political corruption and that elusive tape is incredibly muddled . at many points during the movie i had no idea what was going on , a situation that didn't improve on repeated viewing . there is no doubt that this film's achilles heel is its script . as for the rest of the cast , it's a mixed bag . john flaus , one of australia's most criminally underused actors , is in top form as the withering , alcoholic jazz fan cop , who may or may not have sold out to the highest bidder . although he falters at one point , when the script calls for him to get up on stage and deliver a drunken beat sermon , but believe me , they way it was written , no one could have pulled it off . dominic sweeney is fine , though he seems to be uneasy in front of the lens but he really isn't given a whole lot to do . pre home and away elmaloglou is pretty good as the inquisitive jojo , but her character seems extraneous to the story , well , at least until the final scenes . i must admit , in too deep does have some impressive qualities , not the least of which is it visual element . cinematographers mark gilfedder & peter zakharov have achieved the almost impossible by making melbourne look like a sweat drenched tropic city , which is akin to turning london into san paolo . the bar is an oppressive red , like all of it's patrons are being baked while they drink , outside it hazy orange by day and cool blue by night . if only deborah parson's script could have supported this idea better . having two director's ( colin south & john tatoulis ) doesn't help either , the most glaring example of which is the final retribution/fight scene , where for some reason the camera pulls away from the onscreen action , and more importantly it doesn't pull away to anything else . it just stays static as the fight happens in the distance . it has no reason to it ; it's just bad direction . and , ultimately , that is what sums up in too deep , it's tries to be good , and you want it to work , but , it's just lacking the talent behind it , that it needs to succeed . the scene at the end of 1989's `dead poets society , ' when robin williams' english students stand up on their desk and say , `captain , my captain , ' gets me every time . unfortunately , the court room scene near the end of robin's newest film , `patch adams , ' doesn't have anywhere near the same impact . from the surface `patch adams' looks very promising . it's a story about a not so young man , patch adams ( robin williams ) , who finds meaning in his life through helping sick people . when the film opens , we find patch , depressed and suicidal , checking himself into a mental hospital . in a few scenes , strongly reminiscent of `one flew over the cuckoo's nest , ' he ends up helping the patients through their problems ; and it's here that he finds how much he loves working with people . so he checks himself out of the hospital , and heads straight to medical school . right from the start , patch uses comedy to help make the patient more comfortable . he continuously breaks medical tradition and makes the dean of the school angry . shortly after joining medical school , he meets and falls in love with carin ( monica potter ) . they , along with patch's dork friend , truman ( daniel london ) , start a medical clinic for uninsured people . once the dean catches wind of the clinic , he tells patch he can't graduate and kicks him out of school . patch , like what any true american would do , takes the school to court . it's here where the not so climatic court room battle takes place , over whether or not patch can become a real doctor . i have never seen a movie with some potential just completely blow it . it seems more like a series of short sketches , rather than a full-length movie . considering it runs almost two hours , much too long for such a light film , it could have flowed much smoother . not to mention the fact of how serious the film takes itself , and manages to cover all the cliches of bad melodrama . robin williams saves the film from being abysmal with several comic scenes that elevate the movie to entertaining and worthwhile levels . but those moments are rare and in the end `patch adams' is barely average . the real blonde ( r ) a woman's face , an arm , some pumped-up pectorals , blond hair , a man's sad face , slender legs , a random hand here and there . as the opening credits of tom dicillo's the real blonde unfold , these scattered , fractured glimpses eventually come together to form the image of a bikini brief-clad man on his knees clinging to a nurturing woman , his head concealing her unclothed breasts . if only the rest of this formless , aimless ensemble comedy assembled so coherently . joe ( matthew modine ) is a waiter/struggling actor too proud to take gigs in commercials or soap operas . he's feeling somewhat dissatisfied with his relationship with his live-in love , mary ( catherine keener ) , who holds some subconscious hostility toward the male gender . mary , a makeup artist , regularly works on model sahara ( bridgette wilson ) , who is obsessed with the underlying messages in disney's the little mermaid . the bottle blonde has a turbulent on-again , off-again relationship with bob ( maxwell caulfield ) , a soap actor who yearns for the taste of a real blonde , which he finds in co-star kelly ( daryl hannah ) . as the film unspools , a variety of other characters pass through : fashion photographer blair ( marlo thomas ) ; mary's shrink ( buck henry ) and self-defense instructor ( denis leary ) ; joe's casting agent ( kathleen turner ) and hardass boss ( christopher lloyd ) ; and a mystery woman ( elizabeth berkley ) who keeps on crossing joe's path . where exactly does all this go ? that's a question best posed to writer-director dicillo , who doesn't appear to have the slightest clue himself . his meandering , largely unfunny script and direction are like hopelessly lost drivers , turning into dead-end narrative streets only to reverse course and hit another creative cul-de-sac . and another . and another . at one point bob , frustrated with the soap scripts , complains to the head writer ( jim fyfe ) that his and kelly's characters keep on going in circles , with no hint of development or growth . that is most certainly the case here . joe gets a job and ultimately botches things ; he and mary bicker ; they make up , only to have the pattern repeat itself . unhappy with his bottle blonde , bob gets his real blonde but is unsatisfied ; he returns to the faux and is still unsatisfied . if there is a point to all of this , dicillo dances around it , spending his time on apparent digressions that , as it turns out , aren't digressions at all . the real blonde is not without some amusements . it does have the occasional funny line and situation ; leary , henry , lloyd , steve buscemi , and dave chappelle shine in their small roles ; keener is a likable , refreshingly earthy lead ; berkley's appearance is mercifully brief ( she receives outrageously prominent billing and ad placement for a ten-minute role ) ; and there is the irony of having caulfield play a wildly popular soap star who makes the ratings skyrocket ( last year , the actor was fired from the daytime drama all my children after a scant six months--due to lack of viewer interest ) . but on the whole , the real blonde is a frustrating sit that lives up to the stereotypes of its title--it may be glossy on the surface , but there's nothing going on inside . ( opens february 27 ) " jack frost , " is one of those dumb , corny concoctions that attempts to be a heartwarming family film , but is too muddled in its own cliches and predictability to be the least bit touching . this does not come as a surprise , since the studio that made it is warner brothers , who is on a current streak of one bad film after the other . jack frost ( michael keaton ) is a struggling middle-aged rock musician who loves his wife , gabby ( kelly preston ) , and 11-year-old son , charlie ( joseph cross ) , but doesn't spend nearly enough time with them . when he receives a call from a music label that wants to hear him play , he has to cancel his planned family outing up in the mountains for christmas . halfway there , jack has second thoughts , but on his way back home , is in a car accident and dies . switch forward a year , christmas is approaching once again , and charlie and gabby are still having a difficult time coming to terms with jack's death . when charlie begins to play the harmonica his father gave him the night before he died , the snowman outside the house is taken over by jack's spirit . jack wants to spend some time with his son before the upcoming warm front melts him , but charlie desperately tries to prevent his melting demise . " frosty the snowman , " is a classic cartoon , and the idea of a snowman that is alive works splendidly when animated , but as a live-action film , it doesn't work at all . after a somewhat promising prologue in which the frost family is established , " jack frost , " quickly goes downhill , especially once the snowman comes into play . since jack has been deceased for a whole year , you would think there would be many questions to ask him , such as , " what happens after you die ? " or , " how does it feel to be a snowman ? " but instead , the film focuses on a snowball fight subplot and an inevitably oversentimental climax that could be telegraphed before i even sat down to watch the movie . the performances are respectable enough , but no one deserves to be punished by appearing in a silly film like this . michael keaton at least got off easy , since he disappears after the first twenty minutes , but what exactly does he think he is doing with his career here ? i have always liked kelly preston . she is clearly a talented , charismatic actress , but has never been given a good role in her life , usually having to settle for a one-dimensional supporting character , as in , 1997's , " nothing to lose , " and , " addicted to love . " joseph cross was probably the highlight in the cast , since he believably portrayed a boy suffering the loss of a parent . in one of the only subplots that actually works , due to its wittiness , henry rollins is highly amusing as a hockey coach who becomes terrified and paranoid after seeing the live snowman . this brief hint of cleverness is pushed to the side , however , by the tried-and-true main plot at hand , which is the sappy story of a father and son . since i knew what was going to happen by the time the conclusion came around , i had no choice but to sit there and listen to painfully insipid , cringe-inducing lines of dialogue . some of my favorites was an interaction between the son and father : " you da man , " says charlie . " no , i da snowman , " replies jack . or how about this little zinger , coming from a school bully that miraculously becomes friendly towards charlie and tries to help him out : " snowdad is better than no dad . " do people really get paid in hollywood for writing pieces of trash like this ? the snowman , created by john henson's creature shop , is more believable than the snowman from last year's unintentionally hilarious direct-to-video horror flick , also called , " jack frost , " but it still was difficult to tell if it was a person in a suit or computer effects . either way , it was an awful lot of work to go through , just to come up with a final product as featherbrained as this project . as a seasonal holiday picture , " jack frost , " is pretty much a clunker . a better christmas film from this year is , " i'll be home for christmas . " better yet , my suggestion would be to stay home and watch a quality film , such as , " it's a wonderful life , " " a christmas story , " or , " prancer . " " jack frost , " is an earnest , but severely misguided film , and children , as well as adults , deserve better . i doubt they would want to see a movie about the death of a parent , anyway . some movies require you to turn off your brain in order to watch . then there are movies that require you to accept that everyone * in * the movie has turned off * their * brains . the real mccoy is both . it's charmless , molasses-slow and so full of genuinely stupid people that the film commission of atlanta , where the real mccoy is set , might well consider some sort of ritual suicide for their complicity in this humiliation . the real mccoy opens with bank robber karen mccoy ( kim basinger ) being arrested in the middle of a job . six years later , karen is out on parole and looking to stay straight . she soon bumps into j . t . barker ( val kilmer ) , a hapless would-be thief who idolizes karen . j . t . also has ties to jack schmidt ( terence stamp ) , the man who blew the whistle on karen six years earlier for refusing to work with him . schmidt , who is in cahoots with karen's sleazy parole officer ( gailard sartain ) , again wants karen to help him stage a robbery . this time he has some leverage : karen's kidnapped son . just when she thought she was out , they keep pulling her back * in . * contrivances and sloppy plotting fly off the screen so fast and furiously you have to duck to avoid being hit by them . leading the list is the jack schmidt character , who through unexplained but presumably foul mains is already extremely wealthy when our story begins . there is no reason given why he should need or want to get involved in another crime , let alone why he would actually participate in the break-in . karen's initial encounter with j . t . during a botched convenience store hold-up also strains the limits of credibility . it would have been simple enough to have them somehow entangled at that point , but instead they run into each other the next day because they're leaving their parole officers at exactly the same moment . small world , eh ? then there's the convenient car trouble during an attempted escape , and pet tigers which , through the power of the laws of bad cinema , must inevitably confront someone who has blundered into their cage . however , the buffoon prize goes to the atlanta police , who come off like the keystone kops on a bad day . but the fun doesn't end there in the shambles of a script by william davies and william osborne . there is also the absence of a single , solitary interesting character . karen is earnest and single-minded in her motherly devotion , but lacking any kind of edge which would make her a convincing criminal , and basinger is not a thespian adept at fleshing out flimsy material . schmidt is a flaccid villain , the parole officer is a complete blank , and karen's son and ex-husband might as well be furniture . only kilmer's j . t . is remotely appealing , but his one potentially intriguing quality , his ineptitude , is never developed . in fact , kilmer disappears during the middle of the film , just when his admiration for karen could have made for an interesting sub-plot . i might have been more forgiving if the pacing had been more appropriate to a caper comedy , but the real mccoy goes nowhere fast . various scenes of sneaking and skulking seem to take forever , and some end with no reason evident why they didn't end up on the cutting room floor . even the reasonably clever climactic break-in falls victim to this syndrome , including a scene of one of the thieves drilling open a vault which lasts ( i kid you not ) four minutes . there is no tension in the scene , just tedium . russell mulcahy ( highlander ) is a director with some style , and indeed the real mccoy looks reasonably good , but he completely stumbles in the editing room . there are so many big problems with the real mccoy that i'm tempted to overlook the little ones . like karen disarming one of schmidt's henchmen and throwing his gun into the middle of a park where her son is playing . like a fountain crushed when a van runs into it reappearing in one piece a few moments later . tempted . but i'm pretty good at resisting temptation . you think that these people only exist in the movies , but trust me , they're as real as life . i once talked to a guy who thought the united states government was putting satellites into orbit which could fry an individual person's brain with microwaves . then i sat in a room full of people who believed that the government rigged state elections . i even listened to a man who swore that nicotine was an additive that cigarette companies put in their products for the specific goal of getting people addicted . these people had what are known as " conspiracy theories " - ideas about how unseen forces work to deceive and control the public . a little imagination goes a long way . in richard donner's conspiracy theory , jerry fletcher ( mel gibson ) is a new york city cab driver who seems to have a conspiracy theory about everything . his latest , that nasa is trying to kill the president by causing an earthquake from the space shuttle , might sound outrageous to us , but is all in a day's work for him . he combs the newspaper , looking for tidbits that leave telltale warnings about the goings-on behind the scenes , and from there jerry draws his conclusions . upstanding citizen that he is , he tries to convince alice sutton ( julia roberts ) of the justice department that the president must be warned . lucky gal , alice , who met jerry when he saved her from a couple of muggers and has had to listen to his theories during the six months since . what she doesn't know is that jerry's interest in her is far more than , well , professional . he goes to great lengths to follow her around and watch her in her own apartment . but when some secret government types seem to take an interest in jerry's ideas and his limited-circulation " conspiracy theory " newsletter , he finds himself in danger and in real need of alice's help . one of the problems with conspiracy theory is that it tries to pass itself off as an action-thriller when it seems to have neither a whole lot of action , nor a significant number of thrills . part of this is a result of the film's slow pace . it takes forever to set up the relationship between jerry and alice , and even once that is over with , the rest of the film seems to be a lot of boredom that every once in a while stops to take a break for excitement . at over two hours , this film could have been significantly condensed and had it's running time shortened by twenty minutes to half an hour , but even then , the action scenes would not be able to save the film . instead of truly exciting and engaging set pieces , we're treated to a few of the generic scenes with the requisite " black elements " : black helicopter , men in black action suits and body armor , black vehicles - you know the drill . they come on down with all kinds of neat gadgets and weapons , but for some reason a guy with just a bunch of theories and some chick with no training somehow manage to elude them every time . big deal , we've seen it all before . watching the film , i wished donner had at least tried to use a little imagination , but i was out of luck . now , when i say it took forever to set up the " relationship " between jerry and alice , i completely mean what one person is relative to the other , and not romantic involvement . oh , donner and screenwriter brian helgeland would like you to believe that by the end of the movie , the two main characters will end up falling hopelessly in love with each other , but there seems to be no evidence of that ever occurring . you see , there were more sparks between gibson and danny glover in the lethal weapon movies ( also directed by donner ) than between gibson and roberts in conspiracy theory . the two just don't click , and when you throw in a number of happenings that would cause alice to reject jerry altogether ( like finding out he's been stalking her ) , the subsequent attraction is absolutely forced . the script in general also seems forced , like someone sat helgeland down and forced him to write it , then took it and forced it upon us . dialog is undistinguished and rather unmemorable , to the point that i almost stopped listening . even gibson's usual gift for ad lib couldn't punch up the film sufficiently to raise my interest , although one of jerry's theories about oliver stone was mildly amusing . unfortunately , much of what's discussed in the film is not inherently important to what's going on , but instead filler that starts out with potential , but ends up just being extraneous because it's never followed through . for example , jerry professes that a man found drowned in his swimming pool was actually murdered by the government in a new york subway station . he even goes so far as to explain that the station was flooded at the time due to a water main break ( hence the water in a subway station ) , and that the coroner should check the man's lungs for chlorine . this is convincing enough to alice that she seems to believe him . you know what happens then ? nothing , zip , nada . no follow-up whatsoever , so what's the significance ? okay , here's another one . a couple of well known ( real life ) assassins were found to have possessed copies of the j . d . salinger novel " the catcher in the rye " . jerry also has a bunch of copies . whenever he goes into a bookstore , he has to buy one . leaving out the question of whether or not this makes jerry an assassin , we're never given a reason to believe why this would make him an assassin . not when we find out about his salinger collection , not when he goes to the bookstore , not later on when we get the answer to our first question . the point becomes totally extraneous . oh , did i mention that patrick stewart is in this film ? yeah , he plays this government psychiatrist named dr . jonas who may or may not be a bad guy . that's about it . for all the presence this usually marvelous actor has , he's nearly forgettable in conspiracy theory . you can just lump him in with the supporting players , with the exception of cylk cozart who plays agent lowry of the fbi . this guy was really likable , and i wish he and his character had gotten more screen time . okay , here's my theory . this really started out as a great film , but some of its jokes were actually true ! the government came in and forced donner to make edits for the sake of national security , and this was what was left over . my son and i share a perverse predilection for bad movies . we are amused and entertained by the cheap thrills , the corny dialog , the ludicrous premises and the bad acting . since other family members aspire to higher forms of entertainment , we usually wind up indulging our proclivity together . i can't remember when we disagreed on the relative merits of a clunker until species 2 came along . he was not amused . i on the other hand was able to easily suspend the applicable requirements in the usual manner and declare myself suitably entertained . perhaps the evident skills that were brought to the process of producing a bad product was what prevented him from extracting fun out of mediocrity . i on the other hand appreciated the fact that the producers and director knew exactly what they were doing : insulting my intelligence , and brought adequate movie-making skills to the project a movie does not have to be good to be well made , at least in terms of the craft . the movie could have been better if it were not so brusque . this movie slaps you with conception , pregnancy , delivery and young childhood in consecutive frames , without pausing for infancy . the producers of nescafe have nothing on this alien race in which a woman's womb balloons immediately after the male orgasm , and a few seconds later a young child tears its way out of her abdomen in a sloppy and gory version of an inside-out cesarean . an autopsy scene in which a buzz saw cuts through the cranium was not the kind of indulgence that i condone , to say nothing of the fact that it was scientifically incorrect . in a real autopsy the saw does not cut through the scalp ; it is used only after the skull has been exposed . the opening sequences of exploration of mars were very good . the writers showed excellent skills for ceremonial speech writing but the spontaneous dialogue would qualify for a subtitle : `as bad as it gets' . as the movie progressed i vowed to remember the lines that made me cringe but only one stuck . eve ( natasha henstridge ) was cloned from sil , the original alien sexual predator , but her mating instinct was artificially attenuated , which was all that was needed to turn her into a noble and cooperative prisoner . in a wistful display of resignation and understanding she tells her friend and jailer ( marg helgenberger ) : `i think of all the places that i will never see and all the people that i will never meet . ' it's enough to melt the most callous heart . at another point she protests : `i'm human too , you know . ' she is only half right . peter medak , the director , knows his business . justin lazard as the doomed astronaut does nothing to enhance his hollywood credentials . james cromwell , his father , is perfect in a short role . marg heldenberger , the dna scientist is pleasant and beautiful . natasha is an exquisite ornament . george dzunza knew and delivered what was expected of him as the dumb general that messes things up . michael madsen was there . black buddies do not usually survive in this type of movie but mykelti williamson manages to stay around for the final credits , which is more that we can say for lazard . . it seemed like the perfect concept . what better for the farrelly brothers , famous for writing and directing comedies with offensive subject matter , than to make a movie about a guy with a split personality ? it's exactly the sort of thing the brothers relish : poking fun at something serious ( in this case mental illness ) , throwing all care to the wind to get a laugh . jim carrey's signed on too ? even better . the national alliance for the mentally ill even helped out by levying complaints against the brothers' new film before its opening , claiming it was misrepresenting the condition of split personality , labeling it incorrectly as " schizophrenia , " and so forth . such a protest seemed like just the sort of thing that would , of course , only add more fuel to the farrelly brothers' fire , proving that some people just couldn't take a joke , and that the farrellys would be helping the more enlightened viewers to yet another dose of their brilliantly subversive comedy . yes , it all seemed perfect , but one thing went wrong : their movie isn't funny . it's not for lack of trying . the farrellys utilize in " me , myself & irene " their most high-concept premise ever : carrey plays charlie baileygaites , a man who after being dumped by his wife for a midget limo driver , decides to bury all his aggressive feelings deep down inside and never release them . this , of course , means all his neighbors exploit his entirely too-forgiving nature , making his job as a rhode island state trooper increasingly difficult . soon enough , charlie's repressed aggression manifests itself into a second , independent personality named hank , a deep-voiced , boorish ogre unafraid of taking the assertive actions his predecessor had been unable to muster . this guy isn't above crashing a car through the wall of the barber shop in which he's been insulted , or holding a little girl's head underwater because she refused to stop jump-roping in the street . then things start getting lost in the most complicated plot the farrellys have ever attempted , and the film runs off its tracks . some have suggested that this isn't a problem , because the farrelly brothers' brand of humor doesn't require plot to work . they're wrong , of course : plot was greatly instrumental in building up the kind of rollicking comic energy that infused the farrellys' last effort , 1996's " there's something about mary . " ( 1999's " outside providence " was technically an earlier project . ) the brothers' earlier film wasn't funny merely because it contained outrageous gags ( despite what some newsmagazine articles would have you believe ) , but rather because its most outrageous gags were entirely unexpected . in " mary , " the farrellys managed several times to pull off a neat sleight-of-hand trick : they'd have you thinking the story was going one way , then reveal its real direction in delightfully surprising fashion . " me , myself & irene , " by contrast , seems to have been made by folks who looked at " mary " and saw only the surface grossness , missing all of the subtle machinations that really made it work . having been produced by the same guys who made " mary , " " irene " seems like an even bigger disappointment . the brothers pile on the offensive humor , taking shots at race , midgets , albinos , mental illness , and all manner of bathroom jokes . but they haven't come up with a way to make any of it fresh most of " me , myself & irene " comes off as rote , by-the-numbers , adolescent comedy . the plot , with carrey forced to drive alleged fugitive irene p . waters ( renee zellweger ) , who's in more trouble than anyone knows , back to new york , has an ending that's entirely predictable from the get-go . ( think charlie and irene will fall in love ? yeah , me too . ) the farrellys then introduce scores of different characters , and none of them ever manage to do anything you haven't already expected them to do , no matter how outrageous their actions might be . compared to the curveballs the farrellys are used to throwing , this stuff is almost entirely soft-tossed , presenting an obvious problem : when gross-out humor loses its shock value , it's no longer funny , merely gross . the jokes that do work are milked over and over until their effectiveness runs dry . take , for example , the subplot involving charlie's three black sons ( anthony anderson , mongo brownlee , jerod mixon ) . the incongruity of it all is funny for a while , with three burly black men discussing higher math in ghetto language and white-bread carrey mouthing said language with an entirely too-pleasant smile on his face . but by the end of the film , they're still doing the same schitck it hasn't been elevated to another , funnier level , and it hasn't been dropped either . that's too bad , because it ceases to be amusing about halfway through . " me , myself & irene " reeks of wasted opportunities . there ought to be more focus on how other people react to charlie's new personality , and on how charlie deals with the consequences of hank's actions . this doesn't really happen nearly every supporting character learns about charlie's condition early on , so they don't have any opportunity to be surprised by it . the film throws what looks like a patented farrelly curve in a scene towards the midway point ( involving an albino companion charlie and irene pick up called , appropriately , " whitey " ) , but the script doesn't go anywhere with it , instead leaving the thread twisting in the wind before awkwardly tying it up during the climax . jim carrey is a gifted comedian , both physically and vocally , but he's left with nothing much to do here except contort himself in a manner similar to steve martin in " all of me . " it's a great showcase of flexibility and split-second role-shifting , but none of it is terribly funny . carrey doesn't pull any stunts we don't expect him to pull , and the farrellys' script doesn't give him anything else to pull : the situations in which he must perform the role-shifting aren't set up in any meaningful way . perhaps carrey can take solace in the fact that his supporting actors fare no better . zellweger's irene is not a strong female lead mary in " mary " may have been part adolescent fantasy , but she was also intelligent and strong-willed . irene is nothing in particular , as the film never makes clear whether she's ditzy , clever , or neither . as such , she gives us nothing to latch onto as the only " sane " person in the film . chris cooper is stuck playing exactly one note as a corrupt fbi agent , and his character is entirely too straight-laced for a movie like this . he , like the others , does absolutely nothing unexpected . after viewing the shapeless mess that " me , myself & irene " eventually dissolved into , i was stuck wondering whether or not the farrellys had outsmarted themselves . maybe their kind of comedy can only work for so long until audiences get wise to it and stop being shocked . but i don't believe it -- good filmmakers find ways of surprising their audiences even after people have grown attuned to their style . if the farrellys are indeed good , smart filmmakers ( and i still think they are ) , they'll rebound just fine . even after that happens , though , i'll still consider " me , myself & irene " to be a high-caliber misfire . wesley snipes is a master of selecting bad action roles . murder at 1600 , u . s . marshals , money train , drop zone , boiling point , and the ultimate camp film - passenger 57 . the art of war is another entry in this very ugly and unique category . ultimately , it is little more than a ridiculous action film with a plot as believable as the warren report , ugly violence that would have made peckinpah cringe , and terrible acting by b-list actors like michael biehn and anne archer . oddly , it feels like the undiscovered sequel to another snipes " masterpiece , " rising sun . the movie revolves around the convenient story of a special un operative caught up in a secret murder conspiracy involving a chinese ambassador , the chinese triad brotherhood , a rich chinese businessman ( played by ? that bad guy from rising sun , cary-hiroyuki tagawa ) a chinese un interpreter , and , inexplicably , donald sutherland . the film ends with more confusion than a boatload of chinese immigrants trying to register at ellis island . or should i say the film ends with the most blatant ripoff of both the matrix and all of john woo's hong kong films combined . i am really at a loss to figure out why wesley snipes had the gumption to not only star in this action dud but also act as one of the producers of the film . i usually enjoy snipes' movies - though his dramatic roles better show off his creativity as an actor than the flashiness of his action films . simply , i am amazed by the how inane the script was , filled with terrible cliches and extremely violent action sequences . director christian duguay ( screamers ) has a strange attraction to the viciousness of violent acts -- showing splattering brains , people impaled with broken shards of glass , and lots of gargling and gagging as blood sprays everywhere . it also sickens me to know that oliver stone , one of the greatest directors working today , had his hand in producing this monstrosity . i guess snipes sold stone on the conspiracy angle and stone chose not to read the script , watch the dailies , be involved in casting , or anything else -- or else he'd be filing a court order to remove his name from the credits . it's also seems evident that with the russkies as our new bosom buddies and the middle eastern terrorist angle being beaten to death in the last couple of years that the new international enemies in hollywood are the communist chinese . i'm sure over the next couple of months , even more " chinese conspiracy/martial-arts action flicks " are going to be popping up in your local multiplex . hopefully they won't include wesley snipes . senseless is a prime example of what can happen when you try to push a one-joke concept a bit too far . director penelope spheeris is no stranger to this , having subjected audiences before to such tortures as the beverly hillbillies . marlon wayans stars as darryl witherspoon , a college senior vying for a lucrative job at a prominent brokerage . however , he lacks the advantages of his chief opposition , scott thorpe ( david spade , in the smarmy sort of role he can deliver in his sleep ) : an athletic record , sponsorship by a fraternity , and , most of all , a wealthy family to back him up . in fact , darryl has to work at four jobs simply to make ends meet . but there may be a light at the end of that tunnel . he signs up as a human guinea pig in a neurological experiment run by the university's dr . wheedon ( brad dourif ) . as a result , his senses are magnified tenfold . using his newfound abilities , he sets himself in complete pursuit of the job ( unaware that there may be some disadvantageous side-effects to having super senses ) . naturally , marlon wayans plays this comedy at full throttle , giving jim carrey-ish amounts of physical humor . the problem is , aside from a few genuinely inspired bits , there's not much that's funny here . the film has it's one central gag , and pads out the rest of its length with rather obvious lowbrow humor . there obviously wasn't much thought put into the plot . the entire job selection process is completely ridiculous . i mean , why the emphasis on extra-curricular activities if the entire job is going to come down to a single-elimination quiz anyhow ? and is this the only job being offered to economics majors this semester ? to give it credit , senseless does try to create a secondary joke with darryl's roommate , tim laflour ( matthew lillard ) . apparently , he is supposed to be faddish , but the film never does anything with him , leaving him in a piercing phase throughout the movie . his " intervention " scenes with darryl , however , do provide a rare , and welcome , laugh . and then there's the love interest which is always pathetically tacked onto comedies like this one . in this case , the object of darryl's amor is janice ( tamara taylor ) , a fellow student who won't have anything to do with darryl until he gains his super-senses . needless to say , the romance is completely extraneous , and adds little to the film . this is a film that desperately needed something else . be that a good plot , more jokes ( or simply funnier ones ) , or a strong character or two , anything would have helped senseless get off the ground . as it is , all the manic exuberant mugging in the world can't help marlon wayans get this one off the ground . i came to an epiphany while watching the bachelor , an innocuous-enough-on-the-surface romantic comedy . it's not the sort of film in which one would expect to achieve any moment of clarity , but there it was nonetheless . i sat there watching this marshmallow of a movie unfold when suddenly i realized what is so ridiculously wrong with the entire romantic comedy genre circa 1999 . in a word , it's the same thing that's wrong with so many movies circa 1999 : writing . more to the point , it's the refusal to acknowledge that characterizations matter when you're telling a story about a relationship . the bachelor is merely the latest in a long line of films where we're expected to get dewy-eyed over any pairing of attractive , pleasant people just because they're attractive and pleasant . in this particular case , attractive and pleasant exhibit a is jimmy shannon ( chris o'donnell ) , a single guy who has been watching his friends slowly but surely sucked into marriage . it's a scary notion for jimmy , even though he dearly loves attractive and pleasant exhibit b anne ( renee zellweger ) , his girlfriend of three years . convinced despite his reservations that it's time to " sh * t or get off the pot , " jimmy proposes to anne -- very badly . anne refuses , which leaves jimmy in a very odd position when his eccentric grandfather ( peter ustinov ) dies and leaves a very specific video will . jimmy stands to inhereit $100 million if he is married by 6 : 05 p . m . on his 30th birthday , stays married for 10 years and produces a child . there are only a couple of minor problems : 1 ) jimmy's 30th birthday is the next day ; 2 ) anne is nowhere to be found , meaning jimmy has to find another willing bride from among his many ex-girlfriends . it's a wacky , brewster's millions-esque premise ( acknowledged as such in one of the film's better , more self-aware lines of dialogue ) , the kind where a shallow and materialistic guy learns what really matters . at least that would be the case if jimmy weren't already a world-class altruist . screenwriter steve cohen slides into the story an even more draconian condition in the will : if jimmy doesn't get married , not only will he lose all the money , but the family billiard table buisness will be sold out from under him , costing hudreds of jobs . from the outset , jimmy's motivation isn't cash ; it's the livelihoods of his devoted employees . it's almost embarrassing for his marital misgivings to play a role in the bachelor's plot development . by any human standard , the guy is impossibly selfless . and that's the essence of the gutlessness endemic to films like the bachelor -- the fear of giving the characters flaws to overcome on their way to happiness . there's never any tension between the two star-crossed lovers , because there's no sense that anything remotely significant is at stake . the blandly nice o'donnell couldn't pull off a randy cad if he tried , so the filmmakers don't even let him ; zellweger's anne may have issues with her sickeningly affectionate parents as an impossible standard to live up to , but no one dares make her anything but the woman ( lightly ) wronged . and forget about seeing enough of jimmy and anne together to feel invested in their potential reconciliation . the parade of sit-com set pieces had better be damned funny , since they're all that stands between us and a blissfully sweet foregone conclusion . i'll admit a couple of those set pieces are amusing , including ustinov's rantings about procreation and a restaurant full-to-bursting with men popping questions and champagne corks . far more of them are either tedious or downright ghastly , like the shudder-inducing sight of brooke shields as an icy fortune-hunter or the hideous collection of stereotypes when hundreds of potential brides gather in a church . you're never going to get too many raucous belly laughs from a film like the bachelor , but that's not the real problem . nor is it the real problem that you know exactly the kind of warm-n-fuzzy conclusion it's leading up to . the problem are a beginning and middle that are equally warm-n-fuzzy -- there's no spark , no energy , no humanity . it's an emotional pudding guaranteed not to offend any consumer's digestions . we've reached a point where our proxies for cinematic romantic wish fulfillment don't even have a pulse . the bachelor is love among the mannequins . are you like me ? do you get annoyed seeing people talk on their cellulars in public places , shouting out loud , not giving a ratt's ass about anyone around them , and basically just wallowing in their own self-importance ? well if you are , than you will most likely agree with my rating of this film since it basically features a trio of annoying ladies bickering away on the phone for an hour and a half . . . only to make up and hug in the end . aaaaaaaahhhh . . . plot : three grown-up sisters living their own separate lives , begin to re-establish their communication lines when their dear old dad falls ill . critique : this would be a good movie if it wasn't for the fact that it's got very little to say , features uncaring people sharing annoying phone conversations , is chockfull of bad acting moments and provides less emotional satisfaction than any third-rate after-school special . and i'm being nice ! how junk like this gets made is beyond me , but happy am i that the ephron sisters will finally be dealt a professional blow , considering the regurgitation level of their material had just about reached its limit . the only true emotional moment demonstrated between meg ryan's character and her dad in this film is when he hugs her and swings her around at a christmas tree lot . wow . . . how deep . of course , the same christmas tune that's played in every ephron flick chimes out in the background , while characters continue to build " bonds " among one another by making reference to old , quaint movies or movie stars . stop me . . . i'm gonna cry again ! this film is a mess . the characters are boring and irritating to watch , the plot has something to do with three selfish sisters talking on the phone a whole lot , kind of liking their father ( but not really ) and then finally realizing the error of their ways , while sharing an " emotional " moment about movie stars from the 50s . admittedly , i was not expecting much from a film whose television trailer features meg ryan screaming every two seconds and a big dog rolling its eyes , but even i was surprised at the level of ineptitude when it came to some of the acting efforts put forth in this film . meg did fine as the sister who cries a lot , looking as adorable as ever , but someone please put lisa kudrow inside a permanent home of limited range , cause this woman basically is that very same character that she plays in every single movie/tv show that she's in . enough already ! and diane keaton must've spent more time thinking about her role behind the camera in this one , cause her acting was amateurish at best . neither one convinced in " emotional " scenes . granted , they gave walter matthau the best lines in the film and that's probably where my rating of three points comes from . all in all , this movie is not funny ( unless you're one to chuckle at train wrecks ) , provides zero drama ( unless you consider loud phone conversations moving ) , generates absolutely no emotion ( although i did tear up when meg hugged a coffee machine ) and ends on a perfectly pretentious note ( " oh no , please don't get any flour on my donna karan dress ! ) . ugh . i suggest that all ladies take their husbands/boyfriends to see this movie if they are pissed off at them about something ! that'll teach 'em to mess with you ! oh and incidentally , mrs . joblo also likened this movie to a piece of cow dung flailing in the wind , so there ! then again . . . maybe you'll like it . : ) i have a confession . even though i am a movie junkie-i saw eye of the beholder and yet i still watch movies-i've never seen any of the original godzillas . ( note that godzilla 2000 is not a sequel to the u . s . godzilla released in 1998 ; it's the american release of a 1999 godzilla flick called gojira ni-sen mireniamu . ) so , part of me was excited as i drove to the local multiplex to see godzilla 2000-the latest entry in an almost 50-year old franchise . this was a long-awaited treat . i was expecting a goofy good time , complete with bad dubbing , science fair level sets and a ludicrous plot line . the last thing i expected was for the movie to be so ? boring . i can only imagine what the theatre full of kids i saw this with felt . you do get all of the " so bad they're good " traits so normally associated with the franchise . but you have to sit through a snoozer plot that has the organization of a rorschach blot . it's a deal i wasn't willing to accept . hiroshi kashiwabara and waturu mimura's script crams in way too many details , and in many cases , fails to follow up on them . the maneuver is not only disconcerting , but gives the movie a permanent logy , weighty feel . godzilla starts off destroying power plants and then just stops . was it a whim ? a bold political statement ? i don't know . its foe , an ancient meteor that looks like prudential's logo , doesn't just fight the beast from the far east . no , it's got to have life-saving powers , a plot to erase " the data " from japan , a desire to clone and the ability to become a spaceship and then some kind of tentacled space creature . there's a battle between the head of the godzilla prediction unit ( takehiro murata ) and a slimy government official ( hiroshi abe ) over the handling of godzilla , and personal issues . and then there's the plucky news photographer and blah , blah , blah . it's like watching magnolia all over again-except without the good writing , keen sociological insight and aimee mann songs . what a waste . when the talking and the plot points stop hurtling at you , godzilla 2000 does the job-it's entertaining and goes down easy . the action scenes are cheesy in their grandeur though a little sluggish . the dubbing is nice and awful , with murata sounding like he's in constant need of a cough drop . as for the dialogue , one line summarizes the goofiness factor : " did anyone see that flying rock go by ? " this movie also marked the first time since the three stooges that i've heard the word " imbecile " used in casual conversation . though the summer movie season is drying up and godzilla 2000 has its moments , i wouldn't take kids to see it . they'll probably end up asking more questions than charlie rose . capsule : five friends at a stag party are involved in the accidental killing of a prostitute . the cover-up attempt becomes a monster that eats up the friends , two wives and several innocent bystanders . this was a real audience pleaser at toronto , but it did not do much for me . , low 0 ( -4 to +4 ) - directed by peter berg who acted in the last seduction and copland . - five buddies go on a stag outing to las vegas while cameron diaz works through the logistics of her upcoming wedding to one of them . one of the buddies accidentally kills a prostitute . - several people with no moral compass . they started out with a simple , innocent little cocaine party ( ! ) and by accident look what happened . they have one moral person among them ( daniel stern ) , and one totally amoral person ( christian slater ) . it is more selfish to let the amoral lead , so they do . - this film is strange , but not really funny or biting . black comedy should actually be funny as well as strange . there should be some element of satire . the satire is missing here . i did not find myself laughing here either . what we have is a strange crime tale . - one just does not care what happens to these people . - the same idea of people just getting themselves in deeper and deeper has been done frequently . if this film is popular it is just bringing a familiar plot to a new generation . - it begins like diner ( particularly with daniel stern ) and ends up like an extended horror/crime comic book . - there are several logical holes in script . if a security man goes to investigate a complaint and disappears , wouldn't the guests he was investigating be the first suspects ? someone framed for a crime in the way shown would be judged innocent after minimal forensic detective work . ( i am desperately trying to avoid making this a spoiler . ) - popular and situation ethics get a real slamming . - some acting of grief is hammy and overdone . more yelling than humor . what hath kevin williamson wrought ? while the horror movie revival spurred on by his _scream_ has yielded a few decent entries in the genre--_i_know_what_you_did_last_summer_ , _halloween : _h20_ , and _scream_2_ --it must be noted that williamson himself had a hand in the writing of those films . those williamson-less post-_scream_ efforts , among them _wishmaster_ and the recent _disturbing_behavior_ , have been frightening all right--frighteningly , insultingly _bad_ . add to that list _urban_legend_ , which takes a promising premise and runs it through a predictable meat grinder of idiocy . the influence of williamson on screenwriter silvio horta is clear in two key areas . first , the opening sequence , like that of _scream_ , is an extended set piece detailing the singular murder that gets the proverbial ball rolling . this sequence , in which pendleton college coed michelle mancini ( natasha gregson wagner ) is decapitated while driving , also reveals the other obviously williamson-esque touch : the killer's look . dressed in a large hooded parka , wielding an axe , the killer bears more than a passing resemblance to the _i_know . . . _fisherman , sans the hook . one thing horta does not borrow from williamson , however , is the intriguing premise . students at pendleton are being killed by way of urban legends--those contemporary bits of " mythology " passed from person to person , group to group , year to year that become so embedded in the social consciousness . it hardly matters if they are true or not , such as the tall tale that mikey from the life cereal commercials died from a fatal combination of pop rocks and pepsi ( he didn't ) . michelle , slain by the " killer lurking in the backseat " of lore , is but the first to fall prey to an urban legend come true ; as the body count rises , fellow pendleton student natalie ( alicia witt ) suspects not only a link between the murders , but a personal link to her past as well . the setup shows promise , but the story never takes off , due in large part to horta and the director , the aptly named jamie blanks , who fires round afer round of his namesake in terms of suspense and scares . too many of the would-be shocks are fakeouts reliant on bombastic music cues , and the film's chase scenes are riddled with the cliches that _scream_ tried to subvert , like screaming damsels knowingly running themselves into dead ends when they should--and could--run out the front door . but that is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to cliches ; there's also the climactic villain confession , in which a contrived and way-too-convenient motive is revealed , not to mention the credit card opening up the locked door trick , which is a cliche in any film genre . banks and horta's ( intentional ) attempts at humor are also lame ; the fact that the best gags are lazy , in-jokey references to the other credits of co-stars joshua jackson and rebecca gayheart says a lot about the imagination of their humor . some laughs are also had when the rather predictable identity of the killer is revealed , but i'm not so sure if some of the more hilarious things about it were meant to be so . the filmmakers don't get much help from their onscreen talent . i was far from a fan of bland _i_know . . . _ starlet jennifer love hewitt , but i'd talke her any day ove the dreadfully stiff and uncharismatic witt , whose inept attempts at emoting were often met with laughter ; witt has a pefect foil in her equally pesence-challenged leading man , jared leto . _dawson's_creek_ star jackson mugs his way thorugh a glorified cameo ; gayheart displays all the depth and range of , well , a noxzema spokeswoman ; and robert englund lends the film little more than his freddy krueger pedigree as a folklore professor . granted , the cast is hampered by their material . loretta devine , who has done some fine work in films such as _waiting_to_exhale_ , is saddled with the ridiculous role of a pam grier-worshiping campus security guard . the recently resuscitated horror genre cannot rely on the efforts one man--namely , kevin williamson--to stay alive . if other filmmakers continue to make such shoddy product as _urban_legend_ , the genre looks to once again go the way of screen slashers' many victims . warner brothers has scored another marketing coup . the one-two punch was started in the summer , with the release of batman forever . trailers for ace ventura 2 were bundled with the bat , ensuring that every jim carrey fan in the free world would know about the impending sequel . carrey went on to win raves as the riddler and the ever-wise warner chose halloween as the release date for the video ( $11 . 99 at wal-mart ) ; a mere two weeks before carrey's return in this marketwise , but misfired comedy . ace ventura : when nature calls is a painful reminder of just how grating the rubber-faced comic can be when allowed to perform within an uncontrolled environment . he may have been brilliant under the direction of joel schumacher , in batman forever , but , here , left to his own devices , carrey quickly wears out his welcome . the opening sequence is by far the best--an amusing spoof of cliffhanger , with ace performing a mountain rescue of a stranded raccoon . ( you can guess what happens to mr . paws . hint : it sounds like splat . ) the plot quickly shifts to a temple in the himalayas , and then to not-so-darkest africa , where ace is on the case of a missing white bat . with his hair and limbs both wildly askew , carrey flies through his routine in about thirty minutes . the rest of the film is just more of the same . sure , the plot's linear , and the production values solid , but where is the scripted humor to support carrey's sloppy slathering ? writer and director steve oderkerk provides precious few set-ups . instead , carrey just mugs away , playing for the camera even when most of it isn't funny . the better gags have been shown in the ads , though a bit with ace emerging buck-naked from the backside of a mechanical rhino is something to see . though an arguable improvement over the original , ace ventura : when nature calls is still a snooze for anyone over the age of ten . the script is virtually devoid of wit . tribal mask jokes ? jerry lewis cameos ? forget it . if anything , the inexplicable presence of simon callow ( four weddings and a funeral ) and bob gunton ( the shawshank redemption ) suggests that working with carrey is the classical actor's ultimate challenge . just how long * can * they keep a straight face ? synopsis : wealthy cuban landowner luis ( banderas ) gets more than he bargained for when he sends away for an american bride . not only does his new wife turn out to be the beautiful julia ( jolie ) , she also harbours a secret past of dubious merit . soon , julia has absconded with both luis' fortune and his heart , and as he pursues his wife through the cuban underworld , luis begins to realise that , for him , there is no turning back . review : given the absurdism of its would-be plot , it's unlikely that " original sin " could have been turned into a reputable piece of filmmaking , regardless of writer , director or stars . this is , at its heart , b-movie junk : a lurid melodrama which appeals to neither the brain nor the heart but to the nether regions . that said , " original sin " could at least have become enjoyable junk had the filmmakers embraced its trashiness and indulged in it . instead , cristofer seems to have mistaken this for a serious production , and directs it as such . the result is a vapid , uninteresting morass of obvious crosses and double crosses , as likely to incite a yawn as a thrill . consider the initial sex scene between banderas and jolie : brightly-lit and mostly filmed from above , it looks like an excerpt from an amateur soft porn show . cristofer doesn't even manage to capture the allure of cuba ; instead of portraying his setting as a steamy , sensuous island paradise , it appears bland and lifeless . at least banderas and jolie manage to inspire some interest ; there are hints at times that they want to have more fun with the script , but aren't being given the chance . the same cannot be said of jane , whose billy is nebbish and transparent . also unwise is the jolie framing sequence , which practically gives away the film's denouement . when a pair of films from the same director gets released just three weeks apart , it could mean one of two things : that the recently overworked individual is due for a well-deserved rest , or that either of these movies has been sitting in a studio safe for a while and the timing is merely a coincidence . the latter's the case with john mctiernan and " the thirteenth warrior , " which finally hits theatres a year and counting after its original spring '98 opening - and fast on the heels of mctiernan's " the thomas crown affair " remake , a flick that got good reviews . you don't have to believe superstitions to wager a guess that " thirteenth " won't be so lucky . reportedly shelved following skirmishes between mctiernan and producer michael crichton , whose " eaters of the dead " novel provides " warrior " 's source ( and its initial title ) , this messy melange of culture-clash drama and brutal warfare feels empty and sluggish - sorta like " braveheart " without any of the passion . but the bloodshed certainly remains : there's enough carnage on display here to satisfy those in search of purely visceral thrills , though please note that the admittedly pungent battle sequences containing all this death and dismemberment alternate with talky passages interminable in their dullness . these circa-10th century clashes involve a roving band of cannibalistic creatures capable of decapitating opponents with their bare hands and a dozen norse soldiers out to stop them from terrorizing the viking countryside . the good guys are loud , crude , often unintelligible and - judging from their highly icky hygiene habits -- pretty smelly to boot , which makes them perfect foils for the dignified arab ambassador ( antonio banderas ) who tags along quite reluctantly . they're also so hard to tell apart that it hardly matters when a few of them meet violent demises . you'll wince , you'll groan , you'll grouse , " haven't we seen this guy killed twice before ? " banderas stands confused amidst the chaos , partaking mostly from a distance as savages in darth maul facepaint and draped in the latest animal-skin fashion run amok . he's not the hero - his soulful eyes and lean build don't exactly herald a champion of shwarzenegger proportions - and " the thirteenth warrior " wisely doesn't pretend he is , allowing his foreign and physically imposing co-stars to step into the spotlight when the going gets rough . let the characters interaction sans swords and shields , however , and there's still a struggle - for the audience to follow or even care about the story . it isn't the end until audiences have witnessed a half-baked romance , murky political intrigue , veteran actor omar sharif ( " funny girl " ) dropping by in a cameo role and a climactic " indiana jones and the temple of doom " -esque chase through the villains' underground lair . all this clutter receives stunning visual treatment courtesy of cinematographer peter menzies jr . , but the collaboration between " die hard " -helmer mctiernan and " jurrasic park " -creator crichton should have yielded more than sumptuous sights , graphic action and unintentionally telling moments . heard during " the thirteenth warrior " 's final scene : a dog whimpering . how appropriate . " the red violin " is a cold , sterile feature that leaves you uninvolved and detached . it's a movie that seems almost clinical , as it traces the 300-plus-years history of the legendary musical instrument of the title . opening in the 17th century , the story shows how violin-maker nicolo bussotti created the instrument as a gift for his unborn son . but when tragedy strikes , the violin becomes the personification of its maker's grief . from there the violin comes into the hands of an orphaned child prodigy at an austrian monastery . again , tragedy strikes as the child is struck down at the moment of his triumph . we follow the violin through the centuries as it finds a home in england and in mao's communist china before being discovered by expert charles morritz ( samuel l . jackson ) , who mounts a painstaking investigation to prove its authenticity . the violin becomes morritz's obsession , just as it is for all those who converge on a montreal auction house to bid on it . morritz , however , is the only one who knows the secret of the instrument and can understand and appreciate its creator's intention . " the red violin " could have been a touching , inspirational story , as soaring as a beethoven symphony . however director francois girard fails to make any emotional connection with the viewer . here is a story that could have made use of various camera angles and lighting to heighten its impact . girard , for some unknown reason , uses mostly master shots , keeping his camera - and thus us - at a distance . we get no feel for the miracle that is the violin . it's resonance , its purity of sound are not emphasized enough to make an impression . nor are any of the performances memorable . it's as if girard wanted all his actors to play second fiddle to his violin . " the red violin " promises much , but delivers little . it is dull at times , a bit pretentious and a might murky . the movie's music soars over its story and performers . and that is its only saving grace . there have been merchant-ivory costume dramas with more of a pulse than " the mod squad , " a self-consciously " hip " cinematic rendering of the old tv series still looked upon fondly by so many baby-boomers . well , said " squad " certainly won't be a pleasant viewing experience for them or anybody else , maybe even the teen target audience the movie has been geared towards . a contemporary take on this decidedly '70s show doesn't exactly seem unwarranted , but one wonders if the mold it accumulated while waiting on the shelf didn't transform into a full-blown case of botulism . how curious that the film begins by defining both mod and squad , insisting that the latter is a group of people working together and then contradicting this definition by keeping its titular trio apart for a sizeable chunk of the running time . they are julie , pete and linc , reformed delinquents working undercover for the lapd ( exposition put out of the way so fast that you're likely to be lost from the opening moments on ) , and they are respectively played by claire danes , giovanni ribisi and omar epps , talented actors each deserving of better than this . their plight involves standard cop-corruption stuff , as our would-be protagonists catch wind of an internal cover-up after their superior ( reliable dennis farina , one of the best things here and gone so quickly ) gets killed and framed for drug trafficking . they pout a lot and eventually get cracking to expose this convoluted conspiracy using surveillance tactics that would impress the hardy boys and linda tripp but few others . when you're supposed to be asking , " what's going to happen next ? " , you'll instead entertain thoughts like " who are these people and why should i care ? " or " aren't thrillers supposed to contain thrills ? " not that danes , epps and ribisi don't give it a shot . danes can do the troubled teen thing in her sleep , as evidenced by " my so-called life , " but she's saddled with a mysterious-boyfriend ( josh brolin ) subplot so see-through you begin to seriously question her so-called intelligence . ditto for ribisi's ( " saving private ryan " ) looney loose cannon , though at least he performs with a wild-and-crazy vigor that occasionally demands attention . but epps - poor epps . epps ( " higher learning " ) is so short-changed he's reduced to literally waiting around for a bad guy to chase him . all this sloppiness can be attributed to the screenwriters , one of whom , scott silver , is also the director . they must think that if they dress up their stupid story in such spiffy trappings ( the look of the film is really quite impressive ) , it'll somehow pay off , but this " mod squad " plods anyway . characters are non-existent ; present are just some good-looking young things modeling cool levis and cooler attitudes . plot hardly escapes confusing convention . and the one genre element you'd think would be show up in generous portions - a few nifty explosions , some fights , any kind of action whatsoever - only rarely makes it to this dull gabfest . all those quick to put down last month's inept but serviceable " my favorite martian " update need to take a step back . here's a small-to-big-screen translation that really should've stayed in its former incarnation , " mod " or not . ready to rumble is not a masterpiece in film ; i have a problem even regarding it as a film . it's more of a show , a big commercial for ted turner's world championship wrestling ( wcw ) . the movie is almost entirely about and fully showcases the wrestlers of the wcw like diamond dallas page , goldberg , and sting . the story is very minimal and basic . there are these two guys , gordy ( david arquette ) and sean ( scott caan ) . they are two twenty-something wrestling fans from wyoming . when they go to a live event for the big match up , there favorite wrestler jimmy king ( oliver platt ) is defeated and his career is announced to be over by the mean commissioner titus ( joe pantoliano ) . gordy and sean decide to go on a quest to find jimmy and bring him back to the top and defeat the evil titus' plans . on the way , they meet some people , have some fun , and clean up some port-o-potties . sounds great huh , well it's not . the movie makes many attempts at humor , only a few of them work . the jokes that make you laugh , however , do not outnumber the film's many duds . there is a funny repertoire between arquette and a convenience store cashier played by ahmet zappa . the cashier is very mean to arquette so arquette dreams of ways to get him back . i especially enjoyed one version in which they have a wrestling match and arquette's tag team partner is 'macho man' randy savage . they wrestle between the aisles knocking over cans and getting body slammed on the floor . the other good part of the film is the sexual confrontation between arquette and rose mcgowan . mcgowan plays sasha the head nitro girl , the cheerleaders of the wcw . she becomes attracted to gordy and they have some nice , funny scenes together especially one scene in which arquette calls mcgowan's breasts foreign objects than punches her directly into the face . now what didn't work in this movie ? that would be the rest of it . the flick was filled with stupid potty humor about farts and toilets . the two lead characters work for a port-o-potty cleaning company and when they crash the truck , the excrements spill all over the road . it's not funny ; it's pathetic and brainless . the film is giving homage to how blindly faithful of their wrestlers but not all wrestling fans are that way . i watch it for entertainment and i would think some people would take offense to what is said throughout the movie . the main characters in the film actually get to wrestle , like that would happen to any fan , especially to 2 that stalk a wrestler and sneak him back onto set . also , i wondered how they got into the backstage so easily ; they just walked right in . i like wrestling . i watch it at home and laugh . it's continuously funny and has great characters otherwise i wouldn't watch it . this movie wasn't even funny or fun to watch like the wrestling on tv . the only fun i had in the movie was pointing out the wrestlers i knew . the funny thing was that many of the wcw featured wrestlers like saturn and chris benoit have left wcw for more money but are still featured in the film prominently . the movie was too dim-witted to be funny . it is possibly the most useless and under-developed film ever . a recent film in this genre of fans would be the kiss fan film , detroit rock city . that movie was interesting , well done and continuously funny unlike this film . the acting was good plus the jokes had humor and made you laugh . now that the scream trilogy is over , arquette has nothing else to do so he has to do crap like this and be a spokesman in those dumb 1-800-call-att ads . at least he has a hot wife in courtney cox . he's in the funny parts of the film but there aren't enough to make him look good . the music was bad also feature such overplayed tunes as kid rock's " bawitdaba " and " cowboy " . martin landau has a great cameo as a classic , hard-nosed wrestling trainer named sal that whips the king back into shape to regain his throne . script is important to a film but this piece of crap could have been made with a couple of scribblings on a napkin . a fan of the wrestlers who are featured in the film probably wrote it . at times the movie even tries to show wrestling as real . the wrestlers form alliances , go to people's houses and beat them up . it's utterly ridiculous . the whole film was a wasteful , dumfounding experience . the movie was made to pay homage to the fans , telling them things that made wrestling , not the wrestlers . the wrestlers are making more money to make a movie to thank the fans for begin fans by paying 5 dollars to see a potty-humor movie . the wcw sucks and this movie is just a pathetic two-hour commercial to watch it . if you're going to watch wrestling watch wwf , it's actually entertaining . the wrestling is betters , they're funnier , more diverse , and have better entrance themes . oh and the girls are hotter . is this what movies have become , 2 hour-long commercials that you have to pay to see ? don't waste your money . wyatt earp details thirty-five years in the life of same from around 1865 to 1900 . after seeing the movie speed twice recently , i kept thinking that i was seeing wyatt's life pass before my eyes in real time . this movie was boring , slow , boring , and slow . there were a few scenes that tried to be great scenes that tried too hard and just fell flat . the script happily woman-bashes but also tries to sound like an 80s movie . they cannot have it both ways . " i now pronounce you husband and wife . " sure , they said that in the 1800s . " entrepreneur . " sure . every bit of male-ego-stroking dialogue that wyatt's third wife speaks to him made me sick to listen to it . " oh , the script was written by two men ? " " no kidding ! " the movie is torture to sit through . the scenery is boring . the fades were either awkward or cliche or to self important . can you say poor editing ? everyone looks ugly in this movie . when you shoot people from under their chins , they look like they have double chins . kevin costner has never looked worse . he should sue . he looks like he gained the 43 pounds that dennis quaid lost . dennis quaid is marvelous . if you have to see this movie just for his performance , go into the theatre at the movie's halfway mark . doc holliday ( quaid's character ) shows up at about the 90-minute mark . gene hackman is very good . is he in the credits ? i don't remember seeing his name . mare winningham makes the best of a small role as wyatt's second wife . annabeth gish is good as wyatt's first wife . i though that jamie gertz played wyatt's third wife , but i later heard that her name is joanna going . she looks great but her dialogue sucks . she also seems way to young for costner . costner seems way to old for 90% of this movie . in his first scene he is supposed to be about 19 years old . yeah , right . catherine o'hara and jobeth williams are always good and totally wasted here . this is the worst movie that i have seen in years . the last action hero was better that this . go see maverick if you want to see a western . bullets for dennis quaid's performance only . david schwimmer ( from the television series " friends " ) stars as a sensitive ( and slightly neurotic ) single guy who gets more than he expected from the grieving mother ( barbara hershey ) of a classmate he can't remember . hello mrs . robinson ! though quite cute as a romantic comedy , the pallbearer is paced like a funeral march . the characters act , react , and interact at half-speed , making for one * excruciatingly * long sit . ( and what's with the dreary lighting ? ) co-writer/director matt reeves brings some snap to the story's midsection ; the film briefly comes to life when our hero attempts to resolve his feelings for * another * classmate ( a very appealing gwyneth paltrow ) . by this time , though , most viewers will have either fled or fallen asleep . those tough souls who stay with it can marvel at the sleepy-eyed schwimmer , a hound dog with a head cold , who can go for over an hour without ever changing his expression . " saving silverman " is a good example of a good comedy gone bad . as a love story it is good , however as a comedy it falls flat on it's face . i think throughout the short 90 minutes i laughed a total of seven times . . . and those were just chuckles at the most ! the movie doesn't have the oomph to make it a great movie , and doesn't have the script to make it a funny movie . wayne lefessier ( steven zahn ) , j . d . mcnugent ( jack black ) , and darren silverman ( jason biggs ) have grown up all their lives together , they have been best friends forever and vow to stay close till the end . while in a bar after doing a show with their band , based on their love of neil diamond , darren meets a young woman named judith ( amanda peet ) whom he instantly falls for . wayne and j . d . however think differently and when judith tells darren that he can never see his friends again , it's up to wayne and j . d . to try and begin saving silverman . the performances are topnotch and surprisingly , they are what keep the movie afloat . jason biggs right off the flop " loser " does an ok job playing silverman , but he is stale and flat at times . steve zahn is perfect in the role of wayne lefessier , and even though the movie is about silverman , lefessier is really the main character and the narrator of the movie itself . jack black is well jack black , and he does an all right job as j . d . but he isn't as funny as he has been in the past . amanda peet plays the ultimate bitch as judith , and neil diamond plays neil diamond ( he's better at singing than acting ) . anyway the performances in the film are good , but it's too bad the script isn't . speaking of script , hank nelkan's choppy script is not only badly written , but not funny enough even for an episode of sesame street . the trailer for the movie , as with most movies gives away everything that happens in the movie , especially the funniest parts . somewhere " saving silverman " was meant to be a good movie , and it could have been , but alas in the end it wasn't . dennis dugan's direction is all right , he adds a few directorial touches here and there , nothing special being a simple comedy . " saving silverman " is a perfectly bad movie in more ways than one . it has a great cast , a good director and a sweet story . . . it's just too bad it has a bad script and is all together a bad movie . one of my brother's favorite movies is h . b . halicki's 1974 cult flick " gone is sixty seconds , " one of the best products of the car-chase genre that provided drive-in fare during the 1970's . chase pics had more tire squeals than dialogue , but they had a strong visceral appeal . although it boasts a bigger budget and familiar stars , the remake of " gone in sixty seconds " is relatively weak and dull . randall " memphis " raines ( nicolas cage ) is a retired car thief who runs a go-cart track . he got out of crime so that his younger brother kip ( giovanni ribisi ) would not take up boosting cars . however , kip became a thief anyway , and now he's in big trouble . kip promised to deliver fifty luxury and sports cars to gangster raymond calitri ( christopher eccleston ) by the end of the week . calitri expects memphis to fulfill kip's bargain ; if he doesn't come through , kip dies . memphis gathers his old crew ( angelina jolie , robert duvall , will patton , chi mcbride , and vinnie jones ) , and kip brings his boys ( t . j . cross , william lee scott , scott caan , and james duval ) . as if calitri breathing down their necks wasn't bad enough , the team is pursued by a cop ( delroy lindo ) who's still ticked off that he never busted memphis and by a rival gangster ( rap star master p ) who wants to take over calitri's clients . watching " gone , " i discovered that stealing fifty cars is not any more interesting than stealing one . maybe that's why the first forty-nine are fairly easy , and the thrills are saved for " eleanor , " a 1967 shelby gto , a model that has always eluded memphis . but the big chase doesn't live up to the long wait . i had high hopes for " gone " because it is director dominic sena's second film . " kalifornia , " his 1993 debut , was a brilliant study in the relationship between violence and its audience . in that movie sena took a simple thriller plot ( a couple gives a serial killer a ride ) and successfully endowed it with deeper significance . in " gone " he seems to be aiming for a drama about two brothers who can't communicate with each other , but that goal just doesn't mesh with this plot . " gone " either takes itself too seriously or not seriously enough . it's not light enough to be fun , or mean enough to be intense . this chaser has more dialogue than tire squeals but is none the better for it . the lack of action is a waste of the premise , which should have challenged the filmmakers to create the most spectacular car chases ever . the weak script is a waste of a talented cast . in a " newsweek " interview last year , sean penn blasted his old pal nic cage for making bad movies . much as i like cage , for every good picture he does ( " leaving las vegas , " " bringing out the dead " ) , there are two major stinkers ( " snake eyes , " " con air , " " 8mm , " " city of angels " ) . that ratio is probably better than what a lot of his peers can boast , but cage has real talent . it's a shame to waste it in glitzy , superficial tripe like " gone in 60 seconds . " steve martin is one of the funniest men alive . if you can take that as a true statement , then your disappointment at this film will equal mine . martin can be hilarious , creating some of the best laugh-out-loud experiences that have ever taken place in movie theaters . you won't find any of them here . the old television series that this is based on has its moments of humor and wit . bilko ( and the name isn't an accident ) is the head of an army motor pool group , but his passion is his schemes . every episode involves the sergeant and his men in one or another hair-brained plan to get rich quick while outwitting the officers of the base . " mchale's navy " 's granddaddy . that's the idea behind this movie too , but the difference is that , as far-fetched and usually goofy as the television series was , it was funny . there is not one laugh in the film . the re-make retains the goofiness , but not the entertainment . everything is just too clean . it was obviously made on a hollywood back lot and looks every bit like it . it all looks brand new , even the old beat-up stuff . martin is remarkably small in what should have been a bigger than life role . in the original , phil silvers played the huckster with a heart of gold and more than a touch of sleaziness . martin's bilko is a pale imitation . the only semi-bright spot is phil hartman as bilko's arch-enemy . it's not saying much , considering martin's lackluster character , but hartman leaves him in the dust . have you ever been in an automobile accident where you've miraculously walked away with only a few scratches , yet the car has been obliterated into an unrecognizable , mangled wreck ? well , that has never actually happened to me and i hope that none of us will ever experience this situation . but after watching this inane exercise of a movie , i certainly feel that i've miraculously walked away unscathed after a two-hour ride that mercilessly careens back and forth before finally plummeting into an icy pond . oddly , `eye of the beholder , ' which is a psychological-romance-thriller , starts off promisingly enough when the opening sequence introduces us to a british intelligence agent , called the eye ( ewan mcgregor ) , working in washington dc . in the humorous opening scene , he eyes a top lawyer across the street in his office with his pants down . using an array of high-tech surveillance and communications equipment , he proceeds to transmit pictures of the bared lawyer to pc screens and fax machines in his office . the law firm's employees get a good chuckle . the audience gets a good chuckle . the eye is later given an assignment where he encounters a beautiful woman ( ashley judd ) . there is something compelling about this mysterious woman . despite her glamorous looks , however , we learn that she is a psychopath with a propensity to kill men that get too close to her . after the murders , she sobs while singing the christmas tune `little bluebirds' and laments about being abandoned by her father long ago . after each killing , she puts on a different wig , assumes a new name , and then makes her way to another state . the eye has witnessed all her murderous transgressions . but he does not alert the authorities . he somehow empathizes with her sense of loss . the eye , it turns out , also is haunted by his past . his daughter was taken away from him and he anguishes this loss every day of his life . his tormented psyche creates a ghost-like image of his daughter with which he engages in conversation . she becomes a sort of spectral adviser , and one thing that the ghostly daughter says is that he must help the woman . he now diverts his energies into trying to help her find some kind of salvation . it doesn't matter that he has witnessed all of her murders . and it doesn't matter that the eye is abnormally reticent , hiding his entire life behind computer screens . he follows her to a dozen different locales and shadows her every move to keep her out of trouble . when a crazed druggie ( jason priestley ) attacks her , he shows up for some quick butt kicking . when the police are closing in to arrest her , he provides a distraction so that she can escape . all the while , the woman has no idea who her guardian angel is and the eye stays just out of sight . peculiar . how bad is this movie ? i refer you to my `review quote source' litmus test . just take a look at the full-page ad in the newspaper and see where they are pulling quotes . for this movie , they are from magazines called `flaunt' and `mirabella . ' no doubt , they were impressed with judd's series of catwalks and disguise changes . the major problem with `eye of the beholder' is that the film jerks forward , always unsure of its ultimate destination . if it was a thriller , there was little to keep us entranced . if it was a love story , there was absolutely no emotional pull . completely disjointed in structure , it's only saving grace was its stylish look which reminded me of my favorite car commercial ( the one where the `6' on the tachometer dissolves into a winding road and a passenger rail car dissolves into a small miniature on a child's train set ) . i am also still hopeful that ashley judd will find a serious role to showcase her potential talents . beyond that , the film is hopelessly out-of-control and is in need of seriously better traction and handling . bad . bad . bad . that one word seems to pretty much sums up beyond the valley of the dolls . if that summary isn't enough for you , how about t&a , t&a , t&a ? still haven't got the point ? other than director russ meyer's predilection for casting attractive large breasted women who ultimately expose the afore-mentioned anatomical areas , there is really only one other reason to recommend even taking a look at this movie . that is the fact that it was co-written by famed film critic roger ebert , who also was responsible for the screenplay . after watching this movie you will never be able to sit through another one of his reviews where he gives a movie a thumbs down for bad writing with a straight face . this movie stinks out loud . quite frankly , this movie deserves a . but there are parts of it that are so bad they are almost funny . so i'm giving it a . and maybe that is too generous . right from the opening credits , i knew that i had a class-a bomb on my hands . not only are the way the credits actually shot distracting , but the first scene you see includes a big breasted young woman being chased by a guy in a nazi uniform . i had absolutely no idea why the hell that was happening ( it does get explained later ) and as soon as the first scene is over , we cut to a completely unrelated scene . to be honest , as i sat through this movie mesmerized by just how incredibly awful it was , i actually forgot about the seemingly out of place opening until it popped up again later in the film . with the quality of the writing during the rest of the film , it wouldn't have surprised me if the opening had never been explained . so what is this movie about ? you ask . like it really matters . ok , here goes . this all-girl band headed by kelly macnamara ( dolly reed ) and her friends go to hollywood to try to gain a foothold in the music industry . once there , they do manage to find success ( due as much to their hooters as anything else ? it sure wasn't for their brutally bad singing voices ) , and the movie chronicles how their lives change for the worse as the pressures of fame get to them . everything from big egos , to booze and drugs to free flowing sex sends them on a downward spiral . there are a couple of other idiotic subplots thrown in for good measure , but the fame is the one that pretty much sums up this thing . >from a creative standpoint there is nothing redeeming here . other than the above-mentioned obsession with big knockers that russ meyer seemed to have . the dialogue is so incredibly bad that it literally is funny in parts . mr . ebert has generously thrown in helpings of " hey man " , " dig " and my all time favorite -- " this is my happening , and it freaks me out " . now i ask you , with lines like that how can you go wrong ? ebert had tried to inject as many big words as possible into the dialogue . maybe he thought it would make the movie seem smarter . i don't know , but all the big words in the world wouldn't be able to disguise the bad writing and even worse acting . but the wretched dialogue goes along well with the wretched quality of everything else in this movie . i've seen home movies directed better than meyer managed with this turkey . in fact , there is one scene -- the one in which they are in a van driving to hollywood to make their fortunes -- during which i really had to question if meyer or his editors had just suffered serious head injuries . add to the directing and writing the music in this movie . i almost got up to check my sound system to see if it was broken , there was such a pile of crap emanating from the speakers . then we have the cast . first lets start david gurian who played harris , the manager of the band . this has got to be the goofiest looking guy that has ever set foot in front of a motion picture camera . sadly , his acting doesn't come close to making up for his looks . if you have been following along up to this point , this shouldn't surprise you . meyer's stable of well endowed girls also have the benefit of being fairly attractive to go along with their other assets . dolly reed plays kelly , the leader of the band . and no surprise here , she was cast for her cup size , not her talents . and yes , she does loose the shirt a few times and display her impressive talents . sadly , her ass is almost as large as her chest . hey , it a sexist movie , so i'm writing a sexist review . then we have former playboy playmate cynthia myers in a fairly small role as casey , one of the other band members . this goes along with the rest of the idiotic thinking in the movie . meyer casts a gorgeous playmate with a rack to kill for and who obviously has no acting talent at all , but her nude scenes are the biggest disappointment of all . sure russ , now is the time to get artsy and throw in some well placed shadows . on the up side , she does have a fun lesbo scene . i sound like i'm writing a review in a porn magazine . but hey , i'll admit it ; the only reason that i actually managed to sit through this damn movie was to catch a look at cynthia myers naked . and since that was a huge disappointment , i pretty much wasted two hours of my life on this turkey . the only thing that i can say about this movie is that you should stay away from it . unless of course you want to feel good about yourself by knowing that even a pulitzer prize winning film critic like roger ebert has screwed up at least once in his life too . and if you are thinking of checking it out for the double d's -- you are better off just downloading nude cynthia myers pictures off the internet . this is a movie that should be avoided at all costs . an even better idea might be to require video stores to place a warning on the box of beyond the valley of the dolls -- beware : this movie is extremely hazardous to your common sense . proceed with extreme caution . by-the-numbers : a film which introduces characters , situations , dilemmas and developments that we've seen before in a parade of other films . a film which can easily be guessed out by the end of frame number one . a film which is packed to the cap with predictability , leading to very little tension , excitement , suspense or interest on the part of its paying audience . in short , a clich ? -ridden formula film . welcome to my review of the general's daughter . plot : an undercover army detective and a rape counselor find themselves locked inside an investigation into some bigwig general daughter's rape , torture and murder . they must delve through all of the unspoken army rules and the hush-hushes , to figure out the conspiracy behind the shocking murder . critique : by the numbers ( see above ) . this film is just there . it sits there on the big screen for a couple of hours , floats around , goes away , hopefully never to be heard from again . it is so predictable that even a blind man could see its plot points coming a mile away . it's as suspenseful as a leaf dropping from a tree . it's as action-packed as a canadian curling tournament . get the picture ? i sure did . . . it's too bad that it took my friend and i less than two minutes to figure out the entire plot , and to break down each scene before it was even completed . easy as pie . it's unfortunate because james woods and john travolta actually have one extremely enjoyable scene together near the beginning of the film , but alas , t'was not to be ( that scene alone scored two of my four points allotted . ) woods chews it up in the few scenes that he's in , travolta passes the test , cromwell plays , well , cromwell , and stowe is window dressing with a smile ( mia since 12 monkeys ( 8/10 ) it seems ) . and this predictability isn't reserved only to those who have seen films like courage under fire or a few good men , it runs deep inside every one of us who knows to suspect someone as soon as they see their obvious guilty mug on the big screen . it's like riding a bike . other scenarios which sponge out any tension , suspense or interest from this film include every single character eventually " breaking down " to the investigators without much reason given , a ridiculously placed background relationship between two of the lead characters , as much action as my grandparents bedroom nightly , and a directorial style that can only reward director simon west with a solid nomination for the " best poor man's michael bay doing his best poor man's impression of tony scott " ( add two scenes with sunlight shining through some half-open shades for grit and integrity , and an all-out rainfall for the finale for further chaos , and you're a great director . yawn . yeah , whatever tony . . . i mean , simon . ) and aren't we all sick of hearing about these army " bad boys " and their overdone " code of silence " ? ! enough already ! next subject , please . see it on video if you wanna fall asleep after seeing a much better movie like an officer and a gentleman ( 8 . 5/10 ) . otherwise , save yourself the trouble and go take a crap instead . you'll feel much better afterwards . trust me . little known facts about this film and its stars : ironically , john travolta turned down the lead role in an officer and a gentleman , which eventually went to little dickie gere . ironically on james woods' part , he completed one of his earliest acting roles on tv's " welcome back , kotter " , starring none other than john travolta . actor james woods recently confirmed reports of his " big dick " on howard stern's radio program . unlike rocker tommy lee , woods is also alleged to have an iq of 180 . he apparently scored a perfect 800 on his verbal sats and a 779 on the math section . what a man ! john travolta is married to actress kelly preston , and they have a son named jett ( travolta loves them planes ! ) . word on the street is that the kid was apparently conceived during a weekend at demi moore and bruce willis' home . director simon west's first film was the jerry bruckheimer produced con air ( 6 . 5/10 ) . before that , he directed tv commercials including the budweiser ad with the dancing ants . yippee ! veteran director john frankenheimer ( ronin ( 7 . 5/10 ) , the manchurian candidate ) portrays the character of general sonnenberg in this film . the imdb reports that when senator robert kennedy was shot at the ambassador hotel in los angeles on june 5 , 1968 , it was his good friend john frankenheimer who had personally driven him there that day . clarence williams iii , who plays colonel fowler in this film , is known to some from his role as " linc " in the original " mod squad " tv series . younger folk may remember him as prince's father in purple rain . who knew that in 16 years eddie murphy , who made such a brash , raucous big-screen splash in _48_hrs . _ , would become . . . cuddly . the disconcerting trend begun in this summer's cutesy , largely laugh-free _doctor_dolittle_ continues with this earnest-to-a-fault dramedy . although he is top-billed , here murphy is merely support for jeff goldblum , who plays ricky hayman , the programming director at a home shopping network . sales are way down , and ricky's job hangs by a thread until he meets g ( murphy ) , a mysterious spiritual guru whom a desperate ricky puts on the air . while sales skyrocket and g becomes an overnight sensation , the reinvigorated ricky's greed grows , endangering his budding romance with a goodhearted media research consultant ( kelly preston ) . writer tom schulman has some promising ideas , satirizing home shopping and infomercials and the nature of instant celebrity . but these ideas would have more bite if stephen herek had invested any energy into the direction of the film . the sluggishly paced _holy_man_ is not only slow and overlong ( 113 minutes ) , but an unfunny bore , and murphy can do little to juice up the proceedings ; cleansed of both the attitude _and_ comic sensibility that made him a star ( g is , for the most part , a straight man ) , he is a curiously lifeless presence . goldblum is actually quite good , but it's hard for the audience to sustain much interest in his character and spiritual journey when the director doesn't seem to be much interested , either . " pokemon 3 : the movie " has a lot of bad things in it . first of all it's a plot heavy mess that has bad voice talents , badly written script and fantastic animation . the first film came out the end of 1999 and was a huge hit grossing almost $90 million domestically . a sequel soon followed and even made $45 million . warner has released their third movie based on the immensely popular video game and tv series and its a waste of time and celluloid . this time ash ketchum and his friends are on their way to the johto battles ( which my little brother told me the new spinoff is " pokemon : the johto journeys " so go figure ) anyway he comes in contact with a young girl who's father has disappeared after trying to discover the unown . they are small pokemon with a powerful punch and have great psychic abilities . the unown bring together their psychic abilities and create entei a powerful legendary pokemon who barriers young molly's house and creates every wish she wants . now it's up to ash and his friends to stop this pokemon entei and show him to be a good pokemon rather than a bad one . too bad really that this is a bad movie , surprisingly the first movie was entertaining and somewhat absorbing , the second was a piece of trash and this one is almost in between . it has some good qualities ( animation , message in the end ) but the flaws seem to overpower the goods . i'm still not sure what the big thing is about pokemon , they are ugly little animals who speak their own name for their language ( besides meowth , my personal favorite ) and you don't understand what they are saying . my little brother just thought the movie was amazing , and i kept leaning over and asking him happened , or what pokemon that was . his response was a big lecture of how this is that , and that is this . . . he sure did put me in my place . with the second and third movie being bad , i have a feeling pokemon 4 : the movie might be a total bust as well . " pokemon 3 : the movie " has some redeeming qualities for the kids , and the pokemon fans will dig every minute of this film . for those parents and/or brothers and sisters who have to sit through this . . . bring a pillow . 1 . he doesn't have a hard-to-decipher accent , 2 . he doesn't always speak in a monotone , and 3 . his face doesn't always wear the same impassive expression . in short , the former nfl player turned fox sportscaster turned actor is too good to be bad , but too bad to be good . unfortunately , the same cannot be said of his first star vehicle , firestorm , which is just plain awful . one of the most glaring problems with long ( who made his acting debut in john woo's broken arrow ) is that he's so mediocre that he often blends in with the scenery . as ace firefighter jesse graves , long is supposed to be playing a bigger-than-life action hero -- the kind of he- man who will crash through a flaming door to save a child or parachute into a burning clearing to rescue some stupid campers . unfortunately , despite the best efforts of first-time director dean semler to photograph long using heroic shots that make kevin costner's work in the postman look stark , jesse turns out to be a pretty boring good guy . to put it kindly , this is not a well-written motion picture . firestorm is a collection of howlingly bad lines set against a backdrop of disaster movie clich ? s which , taken together , form something that requires a level of viewer inebriation to be recognized as a plot . the only reason this film is getting one star ( instead of something lower ) is that most of the fire sequences are realistic , and i was fascinated by the meticulous planning that must have been necessary to stage them effectively . we're introduced to our big burly hero one afternoon when he and some colleagues jump into the midst of a forest fire to save a group of people . during this sequence , our big burly hero proves that he's also a sensitive guy by risking his life to save a little girl and her dog ( yes , the dog lives ) from being broiled alive . flash-forward a year . now , our big burly hero is taking over as chief of his smokejumpers association , replacing outgoing honcho wynt perkins ( real actor scott glenn ) . but this day , our big burly hero's first in charge , isn't going to be business-as-usual . a group of nasty escaped criminals have set a wyoming forest alight to aid their flight to freedom . led by randy earl shaye ( william forsythe ) , the sadistic creep who must be killed twice to really die , they pose as canadian firefighters who somehow got lost across the border . along the way , they meet and take hostage the damsel in distress ( suzy amis ) . eventually , our big burly hero is placed in a position where he has to fight the fire , rescue the damsel in distress , defeat the sadistic creep who must be killed twice to really die , and restore order to the galaxy . firestorm's director , dean semler , is a former cinematographer ( he won an academy award for his work on dances with wolves ) , so it's no surprise that the film looks good . unfortunately , that's firestorm's lone asset , and it falters near the end , when computer-generated special effects fill up the screen . these are of about equal quality to what you might observe on a nintendo 64 video game . the action sequences , which include a variety of chases , are occasionally interesting , but never invigorating . everyone , including long , appears to be going through the motions . there isn't a memorable performance to be found from beginning to end , unless you count the forest fire , which generates some heat . as the sadistic creep who must be killed twice to really die , william forsythe lacks panache . he's worse than a generic bad guy ; he's a boring generic bad guy who doesn't have any snappy one-liners to hurl at our big burly hero . my advice to scott glenn ( absolute power ) and suzy amis ( titanic ) is to accidentally forget this film the next time they're making out a resume . there's some small comfort in knowing this early in the year that i already have one entry for my bottom 10 list . ( at least i hope there aren't 10 worse films than this . ) and i know i wasn't the only one who really disliked this movie . as the audience was filing out of the screening , i loitered in the theater lobby to catch a few comments . the general consensus seemed to be that , although the movie sucked , the promotional key ring was cool . the problem is that fox won't be giving out key rings to regular movie-goers , so that nixes any reason to see firestorm . seen at : amc old pasadena 8 , pasadena , ca ( in sdds ) paul verhoeven's last movie , showgirls , had a bad script , bad acting , and a " plot " ( i use the word in its loosest possible sense ) that served only to allow lots of sex and nudity . it stank . starship troopers has a bad script , bad acting , and a " plot " that serves only to allow lots of violence and gore . it stinks . nobody will watch this movie for the plot , but here's a brief synopsis anyway . some friends straight out of high school sign up for the federal reserve ( armed forces ) at a time when evil bugs from the planet klendathu are sending meteors towards earth from the other side of the galaxy . after one slips through the defences and destroys buenos aires ( the home city of the main characters ) , war is declared . this involves sending the grunts , who include johnny rico ( van dien ) and dizzy ( meyer ) , down to the surface of the bugs' planet . much carnage ensues . the troops are withdrawn and sent to another planet to answer a distress call . more carnage ensues . after being rescued , their plans are changed to capture a " brain bug " which is believed to be controlling the aliens' battle plans ( look , i didn't write this , ok ? ) . yet more carnage ensues . get the picture ? interspersed throughout all this are brief " ads " from the federal network , which present the picture of a neo-fascist state , much like in verhoeven's robocop . there are many problems with starship troopers . the plot , where one exists to drive the movie onwards , is silly . harris ( star of tv's doogie howser , md ) is presented with a psychic ability to talk to his ferret early on in the movie , apparently so we will accept his ability to mind-meld with a " brain bug " later on . in addition , the first thirty minutes of the movie ( until the characters sign up for service ) drag on like a bad episode of beverly hills , 90210 . the characters are one-dimensional , so much so , that when dizzy is killed , she says it's ok because she got to sleep with rico . i had hoped that verhoeven's use of a no-name cast would allow him to kill off several of the lead characters to surprise the audience , but such an idea appears to have escaped him . the dialogue is embarassing and isn't helped by the frequently terrible delivery ( i almost burst out laughing when harris delivered his speech about the need to sacrifice a few hundred people for the good of the species ) . finally , the fake " ads " become a nuisance . although they evoke the propaganda of the wwii-era movietone reels ( as presumably they are meant to ) , their complete lack of subtlety blunts their effect . some people will say all of that's irrelevant -- the movie hinges on the battle scenes . so what about those battle scenes ? well , i admit the effects are good -- the bugs move about quite convincingly , especially when they have been deprived of a few of their limbs . and people have their brains blown out , their limbs cut off , and their bodies ripped in two in quite impressive ways . but this is my problem . the entertainment value of the film rests almost entirely on its graphic portrayal of gore , and its continous attempt to gross us out ( starting early on when richards' character vomits on-screen ) . verhoeven appears to be trying to make a movie employing the elements that made a robocop a success , but fails spectacularly . while robocop had a message about the importance of being human , and gave the bad guys some motivation , starship troopers lacks even these simple features . when the brain bug sucks out a character's brain near the end of the film , it's merely an analogy for what the film has done to us . this film is full of graphic violence and is not suitable for children under 16 . often similar to a little boy lost in a park that he had no right venturing into , the call of the oboe ( o toque do oboe ) is a disappointing film that seems to have wandered astray . many elements of the film are solid , and have potential far greater than director claudio macdowell will ever know , but they simply don't convert into a solid work . although a setting is never established , it becomes apparent . the film takes place somewhere in a latin american village in present day . the community is a dull one , where every day is a downhill slide from the last . over time , the people have taken to themselves . the town cinema is closed , no tourist has passed through in years , and the daily funeral processions are accompanied by no one other than the grave digger . so what happens when a " tourist " ( paolo betti ) does arrive one day ? he sends this routine and dull town into mayhem and shock . it is revealed that he is a musician who plays the oboe as a hobby . when he sits down in the park one day to give a solo performance , the entire community gathers around for their first bit of entertainment in countless years . it is from that that the musician meets some of the villagers , and agrees to play at the local cinema in accompaniment to a silent film , thus opening the theatre for the first time in ages . the woman that talks him into this witty task is the cinema owner ( leticia vota ) who also happens to be engaged to the town's police inspector , a figure who soon becomes suspicious of his fiance's involvement with this musician . the rest of the plot closely resembles a freak show gone horribly astray . it features a character who literally rises from his grave , a woman who has a phone conversation with god , and the aforementioned inspector who goes from an intriguing and serious character , to an almost humorous drunk . technically , this film is a nightmare . the music score is poorly edited into the film , so it is often choppy , rough , and abrupt . the lighting is poor at best , which makes it increasingly difficult to focus on many scenes , and the english subtitles are full of misspelled words , and are often absent presumably on the assumption that the audience will be able to understand some simple portuguese and spanish phrases . this translation flaw is best highlighted at the beginning of the film when what seems to be a relevant fight is filled with dialogue , but the subtitles are limited to fewer than 25 words . in addition , the pace of the film seems uneven . it opens with a series of long panoramic shots that alone can test one's patience . the film then moves into a faster pace , that again slows towards the end , as the director seems determined to reach the two hour mark . there was , however , potential for this film . it is a piece exploring the beauty of cinema and music , and the re-unification of people . these are all topics that could easily fill a movie . perhaps , if there were no freak show , and the technical aspects were to improve , there might just be a thing of beauty at the end . most importantly , though , the director would have to patch up the plot and make it flow better so that the two hours aren't such a bore . until then , there seems to be little more hope for this piece , than that boy has by simply crying out " mommy " while he wanders astray in a park . a friend invites you to a movie . this film would evade the explosions and special effects of standard summer fare , and be grounded in reality . the plot is as follows : after a terrifying incident , a mother and her independent daughter separate from the father and move away from the city . they need fresh air to get some perspective , maybe to start over . romance begins to brew , however , as one of the locals , played by an international superstar in rugged clothing , sparks things up , ( especially at a country-western slow dance ) . it stars a rising young starlet , helms a good cast , and is directed by one of the better actor-turned-directors in hollywood . you accept . you jump at the opportunity to see , what you believe to be , _the horse whisperer_ . but , poor moviegoer , you have been conned . alas , you find yourself watching , incredulously , _hope floats_ . oh , woe . your hope has sunk . why was this movie made ? why was it released ? it is a travesty on nearly every level , and has the authority to sink the careers of nearly everyone involved . at the hands of a better script , the film could have been a gem . but it is clueless as to what it is about , and only succeeds in transferring same cluelessness to us poor viewers . _hope floats_ stars sandra bullock as birdy , who , after discovering her husband has been cheating on her with her best friend ( on national television no less ) , takes her daughter and drives back to her home , helmed by a countryish bumpkin eccentric played by gena rowlands , ( she decorates with stuffed wildlife ) . birdy's nephew , travis ( played by _leave it to beaver_'s cameron finley ) , is under her custody , and in one of the film's many failed in-jokes , is always seen wearing a different halloween costume . what is the point of this ? does it make any sense ? is it supposed to be funny ? the point of the film is to show that the family is eccentric , but i was convinced that the grandma should have been locked up for endangering the mental welfare of a child . all of this undercuts the plot , of which there is none . there are only many scenes that are supposed to register emotion . there's the scene where birdy , who used to be the prom queen , is humbled by approaching a peer she once mocked , for a job . there's the scene where birdy dances with her father , in the hospital for alzheimer's . and then there's the sentimental scenes with justin , played by harry connick jr . , who is taking a liking to her again , showing her a beautiful pad that he built from scratch . and during each of these scenes , i was sidetracked by my earlier question . what sort of eccentric grandmother go through such great pains as to provide a dog costume , a kermit costume , a cowboy costume ( with whip ) , and a full furred barney costume for her grandson to wear during dinner ? what sort of warped ramifications would this lead for the rest of his life ? outside of this , there are other sure signs of screenwriters block . when the daughter stands up to the bully at school . when birdy almost loses her job . when the family pulls in a goofy lip-synch to cheer someone up . when someone dies . when the daughter cries , ( no , wails ) in exasperation that her father is not coming back . in a movie like this , you notice the strings being pushed , and you sit there , comatose , hoping it will end . who can survive such a debacle ? i worry for bullock's career , which has been running on auto-pilot for the last few years . she has an attitude , a solid perkiness , and can drive a bus--but she can't handle the emotional scenes , much less hold a southern accent . harry connick , jr . is worse--stick with singing , or get some acting lessons , please ! gena rowlands is the best part of the film . but she's such a good actress , that it staggers the mind that she's weighed down by such lukewarm material here . it would be a severe tragedy if the recurring star of john cassavettes' great films is known for this film . two notes to forest whittaker : ( 1 ) cut the slow-motion sequences . there are twelve times where you undercut your own direction by such a failed trick . have you done so , you could have shaved off ten-minutes of this almost unbearable debacle . ( 2 ) you've had to know something was wrong if your cinematographer's filter makes the candlelight appear like little " x " s . you're not a bad director , but you can't change a terrible script . there's a recurring scene where birdy , working at the neighborhood fotomat , finds the machine go wrong , and image after destroyed , warped , dark image appear . think about it . a succession of destroyed images may have been more entertaining than this movie . any remake of an alfred hitchcock film is at best an uncertain project , as a perfect murder illustrates . frankly , dial m for murder is not one of the master director's greatest efforts , so there is ample room for improvement . unfortunately , instead of updating the script , ironing out some of the faults , and speeding up the pace a little , a perfect murder has inexplicably managed to eliminate almost everything that was worthwhile about dial m for murder , leaving behind the nearly- unwatchable wreckage of a would-be '90s thriller . almost all suspense films are loaded with plot implausibilities . the best thrillers keep viewers involved enough in what's going on so that these flaws in logic don't become apparent until long after the final credits have rolled . unfortunately , in a perfect murder , the faults are often so overt that we become aware of them as they're happening . this is a very bad sign . not only do such occurrences shatter any suspension of disbelief , but they have the astute viewer looking for the next such blunder . of course , in the case of a perfect murder , at least that gives an audience member something to do besides concentrating on the inane plot and the lifeless , cardboard characters . a perfect murder isn't a strict remake of dial m for murder , but it does borrow heavily from frederick knott's play ( which was also the source material for hitchcock's version , as well as a 1981 made-for-tv retelling ) . emily hayes ( gwyneth paltrow ) is the wealthy wife of powerful wall street mover-and-shaker steven hayes ( michael douglas ) . their marriage isn't going well -- emily resents steven's controlling instincts , and , as a form of rebellion , she is having an affair with a penniless painter , david shaw ( viggo mortensen ) . when steven learns of the relationship , he decides to confront david , but his approach isn't that of a typical cuckolded husband . instead of yelling or threatening , steven offers david a proposal that's too good to resist : for $500 , 000 in cash ( $100 , 000 before , the rest after ) , he is to break into steven's new york apartment and kill emily . ( of course , after getting the first payment , david never bothers to ask how he's supposed to get the rest . ) ultimately , i'm not sure which of the three main characters we're supposed to be sympathetic to : the cold-hearted husband , who wants his wife dead so he can get his hands on her fortune ; her mercenary lover , who is willing to do the deed for half-a-million ; or the woman , who is happily carrying on an extramarital affair . not only are these individuals all profoundly dislikable , but they're not interesting . ( it's possible to make a good movie with detestable characters -- see reservoir dogs -- but there has to be something compelling about them , which , in this case , there isn't . ) steven , emily , and david are all lifted directly from the screenwriting 101 text book on stereotypes . the actors in this film are obviously just on hand to get their paychecks . michael douglas is playing the kind of heartless tycoon that he can do in his sleep -- he's gordon gekko with an unfaithful wife . gwyneth paltrow , who was recently delightful and appealing in sliding doors , is simply awful here . she now has the dubious distinction of have starred in two of 1998's worst thrillers ( the other being hush ) . at least viggo mortensen ( g . i . jane ) has a little fun with his part , but then he usually does interesting things even in bad movies . the thin supporting cast includes david suchet , the star of " poirot , " as a police inspector , and sarita choudhury ( kama sutra ) as emily's best friend . a perfect murder is a plodding production that generates almost no suspense from beginning to end . there aren't many twists and turns in the unexpectedly linear script , which makes the ending inevitable almost from the start . it's surprising to see director andrew davis , the man behind the fugitive , involved in this mess , but , like his stars , he too needs to earn a living . it's just that remaking hitchcock , and doing it so badly , hardly seems to be an honorable way to go about getting the dough . steve martin shines but sgt . bilko fails to impress based on the popular 50's sitcom , sgt . bilko follows the string of old-sitcoms-to-movie conversion fever . remember the brady bunch movie or the beverly hillbillies released sometime back ? ( brady bunch was a moderate hit in in the us while hillbillies flopped ) . i do not really know whether the hollywood minds are running out of good ideas or just being plain lazy , but the tv-conversion-movies are hitting our screens like wildfire , sad to say , with mixed success . such movies are mostly targeted at us viewers since they are usually followings of such series over there and the larger the following , the more likely the sitcom will be made into a movie . sgt . bilko ( frankly , i have not seen any its original tv version ) , even with the charm and wild antics of funnymen steve martin and dan akroyd ; failed to entertain . sgt . ernest bilko is the man behind the motor pool ( place of vehicle storage and repair ) of fort baxter . though totally unskilled in the field of work that he is supposed to be in charge of , he has an almost superhuman ability and zeal to sniff out money-making opportunities ; from running a gambling den in the military garage to 4-d pools . though materialistic in mind , bilko's methods has thoughtfully `enriched' the lives of the men of fort baxter , providing them with some form of real recreation within the camp and the people love him for that . colonel hall runs the entire fort and thanks to his inborn `blissfully-confused' state , bilko has managed to hide his operation , though nearly every living person in the fort knows about it . bilko's state of ascent is suddenly under-fire when the pentagon sends major thorn , a tough cookie on army regulations , to check on the progress on the $70 million hovertank project , a new weapon under development within the fort's grounds . to add to his problems , thorn is determined to bring bilko down in retalliation of a major `sabo' done on him by bilko during their younger army days . director jonathan lynn , who directed my cousin vinny ( in which marisa tomei won an oscar for best-supporting actress ) managed to pull sgt . bilko through with suitable pacing and some exceptional moments of laughter , but that is about it . there are really not enough laughter-packed-moments in sgt . bilko to fully entertain the average movie-goer . still , steve martin's sgt . bilko is played with finesse and full-force by the renowned comedian . without him , sgt . bilko would have just fell flat on its face . sgt . bilko did moderately well in the us box office early this year but i doubt it will earn much elsewhere around the world . the current trend in mixed successes in such tv-conversions may be a blessing in disguise , really ; at least it will force hollywood to re-think any of its initial intentions to turn another tv-idea into a movie or at the very least approach those ideas with more creativity . unless you are a fan of the tv-series or love to watch steve martin in action , you can skip this one when deciding which movie to catch in the local theatres . i'm sure there are better ones around . look ! the new version of " psycho " came out and the world didn't end ! i guess gus van sant really isn't the bringer of the apocalypse ! unfortunately , though , that " psycho " didn't end the world as we know is the best thing that can be said for it . van sant's controversial " re-telling " of alfred hitchcock's classic 1960 film has polarized filmgoers everywhere ( even before it premiered . ) without benefit of an actual viewing , many have said that the film will , at best , suck . being an ( almost ) good critic , i waited until i actually saw it to decide that the film , at best , sucked ( and that concludes the use of the word " suck " and , hopefully , the thoughts that i am a brain-dead orangutan . ) director gus van sant took the original hitchcock film and refilmed it , shot-for-shot , using the same , exact script ( with a few minor alterations . ) the inherent challenge was in making the film suspenseful and scary , even though a large group of the audience will know exactly what will happen at the exact time . suspense probably could have been attained if the actors had been able to create something new or different than the original . sadly , that did not occur . it is hard to be overshadowed by vera miles and john gavin ( from the original " psycho ) , but that is what exactly happened to julianne moore and viggo mortensen . in moore's case , the film would have been helped if " the x- files " gillian anderson had been cast instead ; especially since moore goes through the entire film doing a scully impression ! from the cold demeanor and expressions to her rigid way of forming a sentence , moore is scully ! mortensen ( who i liked in " g . i . jane " ) opts to play sam loomis as a cowboy/hick , which would have been nice if he had gone past that starting point . sam has a twang and a cowboy hat , but that's about it . mortensen turns in one of the most uptight performance in recent memory . anne heche , in the janet leigh role , does a few good things in her brief time on screen . at least her marion crane has a little life in her , which can't be said for most of the rest of the cast . the best work , though , comes from vince vaughn , as the demented mama's boy , norman bates . he's not going to make anyone forget anthony perkins , but he is effective both in being naughty and nice . the best part of the film is the dinner scene heche and vaughn , where they simply talk . there is some solid acting there , something that is not carried through the rest of the film . van sant has made a boring film . all the camera tricks that hitchcock so eloquently used in 1960 aren't as eye-catching now . what passed for brilliance then has been copied so many times by so many directors that they don't impress or excite . van sant , in what i assume is a grasp at originality , decided to put some stream-of-consciousness images into a few famous scenes ( was that a lamb in the middle of the road ? ) these images , included with some questionable editing choices , took away from the scenes themselves and caused , at first , bewilderment and , later , laughter . definitely not hitchcock's intention ! at least danny elfman had the good sense to not mess with bernard herrmann's original famous and terrific score . if a film like " psycho " does not frighten , then what's the point . aside from norman , the characters are thinly drawn people who leave no connection with the audience . there are things van sant and company could have done to at least make their recreation interesting . in the end , however , the new " psycho " is a noble attempt , but , alas , a dismal failure . an american werewolf in london is john landis' groundbreaking feature about an american tourist who gets himself bitten by a werewolf in jolly old england . the groundbreaking part of the movie is the special effects . more specifically , the makeup used for the transformation of a man into a werewolf ; and for the ghosts that haunt the main character . even twenty years after its release , that part of the movie is still impressive . although , i would have to say that it really is the only part of the movie that could be considered impressive . the rest of the movie is a run of the mill werewolf flick with some extra gore thrown in for good measure . if it weren't for the cutting edge makeup effects used in the werewolf transformation it is most likely that this is a film that would have gone largely unnoticed when it was released back in 1980 . and with good reason -- the acting isn't great and neither is the writing . well ok , we don't actually expect either of those things to be great in a horror film . but one other important element is lacking here too -- it isn't scary . with no exception , you know what is going to happen before it happens . you don't even need the obligatory scary music to give you a hint . i will give director john landis credit for this being one of the best looking horror films that i have ever seen . but john , it just wasn't scary . i didn't know if this was intended to be some sort of romantic drama and the whole werewolf thing was just thrown in to get people to come to the theater to see it , but it didn't work for me . actually , it was intended as a sort of a spoof on horror films . but the mix of the comedic moments with the melodrama was so bad ; the intended humor was lost on me . it's never a good sign that you don't realize a movie is supposed to be funny until after the movie is long over and you read it in the background material . call me crazy , but you shouldn't have to do research on a movie to enjoy it . i'm not even going to get into the plot of the movie that much , since the title pretty well sums the whole thing up . werewolf bites boy ( david naughton ) . boy ends up in hospital where he is tended to and eventually falls for pretty nurse ( jenny agutter ) and then strange things begin to happen to boy . including , and i must admit this is a very nice touch , visits from his friend who was killed in the same werewolf attack that ended up with him in the hospital . the neat thing here is that his buddy is a rapidly deteriorating corpse . i know it sounds strange , but it actually works . the scenes between david naughton and the dead buddy ( griffin dunne ) are really the best parts of the movie . as i said , probably the only reason that this film was a hit was because of the special effects . while they are still impressive today , they aren't impressive enough , or plentiful enough to warrant watching this film . and since they are more or less the highlight of the film , there are far better choices out there if you want a scary movie to curl up with your sweetheart to watch . actually , the 1998 sequel , an american werewolf in paris , is more entertaining since it doesn't take itself as seriously and actually provides a few more laughs along the way . capsule : annoyingly unentertaining , obvious and paper-thin buddy/cop/drug/sexy-witness movie . presence of director michael bay shows none of the talent he demonstrated in the rock . i've seen this movie already , i said , as i looked at the box art . no , i haven't even seen a trailer for the movie ; i don't even know what it's about , but i can look at the way they're promoting it , and i know i've seen it already . i thought : it's about these two cops . and they're buddies , sort of . they're at each other's throats a lot , but they really do like each other . and everyone else in their department hates them 'cause they're hot-shots . and they have some kind of diametric opposition in their relationship . and one day they're in the middle of cop business as usual when they get mixed up in this plot that involves a really sadistic bad guy with lots of henchmen who can never hit anything with the billions of rounds of ammo they are always carrying . and the bad guy is a drug lord . and there's a witness , and she's this sexy thing who rubs both of them the wrong way . and their supervisor wants their badges for breakfast when they blow up half the town bringing this guy down . i only missed the bit about the badges . the rest i got dead-on . and i hadn't even left the video store yet . the cops in this movie are will smith and martin lawrence , and the bad guy is the immensely underutilized tcheky karyo . smith plays a cop who has a trust fund and is thus not a cop for the money ; martin l . is a family man ( shades of the now-tired lethal weapon dynamic here ) whose wife and he are at total odds . this leads to some strained scenes about lawrence's " not getting any " , and some totally unneccesary bits with him skulking around his own house , thinking his partner is now his wife's " back door man " . not funny ; tiresome . bad boys gets some of its incredibly meager selling points from the presence of will smith and martin lawrence . will smith is a natural , and i'm happy to see him in movies like six degrees . . . and men in black . he's funny and charming without trying to be ; he really does seem to be enjoying himself . martin lawrence is a different story ; he's so uptight and verbally constipated that sitting through his improvised riffs are a trial . movies like this are not about originality . i know this . they are about style and energy and synergy between actors . i know this , too . and yet , while watching bad boys , which its glamorous photography and impossibly exact stunt choreography , i felt fed up . i'd seen con air , which despite being completely implausible , was still great fun , because it tried however feebly to put some new life into the mix . bad boys is a dry run -- and overlong , too , clocking in at just over two hours with a lot more by-play than i felt could be justified . i could write this movie . you could write this movie . many people have . many people will continue to write this movie , over and over again . other people will buy it from them , and make it , and we will pay money to see it . more the fools we all . in a terrifyingly prescient line from his book a scanner darkly , phil k . dick once mused that the mcdonaldburger ( as he called it ) would eventually eclipse money as the token of cultural and financial exchange . one day we will all just sit in our living rooms and sell the same burger back and forth to each other . the same could be said about this movie . i have the sinking feeling we're going to see it again . soon . in the first death wish movie , mild-mannered new york architect paul kersey , played by charles bronson , was avenging the death of his wife . in the second , he was avenging his daughter . in the third , he instigated small war in order to avenge the old friend . fourth movie , on the other hand , begins with kersey doubting the point of his violent crusades and living the quiet life with his girlfriend karen , played by kay lenz . however , since this is death wish movie , we know that sooner or later something bad is going to happen to the people kersey cares for . this time karen's teenage daughter dies of a crack overdose and kersey is forced to return to his old vigilante ways . kersey's new targets , unlike the previous movies , aren't the ordinary street punks but rich , heavily armed and well-connected drug dealers . even such unstoppable killing machine like kersey needs some support , and it comes from the publisher nathan white ( john p . ryan ) , determined to avenge the drug-related death of his own daughter . white's plan is to make kersey kill major players in two rival drug dealing organisations and thus instigate the war between them . the plan begins to take shape , but kersey's actions bring attention of two police detectives - reiner ( george dickerson ) and nozaki ( soon teck-oh ) . fourth ( and , unfortunately , not the final ) installment in the death wish series , will probably remembered as the typical movie of cannon group , production company responsible for some of the worst cinematic trash of the last decade . however , although some critics might argue , death wish 4 : the crackdown represents slight improvement over the death wish 3 . paul kersey , one of the most intriguing ( and potentially controversial ) characters of the 1970s , is still being dumbed down by mediocre script , and charles bronson really doesn't feel the need to put much effort in his acting . however , the hand of a veteran director j . lee thompson seems more capable of michael winner's and the action scenes seem slightly less surreal , although they still look cheap and repetitive and downright boring . there are some attempts for the movie to have a plot between the numerous scenes of violence , and one of such attempts is a potentially interesting plot twist at the end . the script even tries to fake some social conscience ( through criminally underused kay lenz's character ) and predates the war on drugs campaign that would inspire many hollywood products in next few years . there are even some half-hearted attempts of humour - both intentional and unintentional , like in a scene where kersey assassinates mob figures by a wine bottle - but the quality of this movie is still far away from bronson's 1970s classics . ( special note to x-philes : mith pilleggi , the actor who plays ad skinner in the x- files , could be seen in a small role of cannery lab foreman ) . i've never written a review for a movie i haven't watched all the way through , but i had to make an exception with powder . i was about forty-five minutes into this one at a friend's house when he and his brother got into a huge shouting match that would have ended in violence had we not left the house . so i never got to finish the movie and i'm sure as hell not going to pay three more bucks to watch half of a bad movie . but i can at least get a partial review out of it , because i saw enough to know this one wasn't worth finishing in the first place . the movie centers around a freaky teenager who's spent his entire life living in the cellar of his grandparents' house . when grandpa dies ( taking his department store down with him ) , social worker mary steenburgen has to take powder ( first and middle names ? gold bond ) to a state home , where we find out he's a different from the other kids . actually , we find out he's different when we first see him , because he's the most pale individual we've ever seen and moreover he has no body hair whatsoever . when powder is born in the opening minutes of the movie , the father takes one look at him and says " he's not my son . " obviously . all i want to know is where the pillsbury dough boy was nine months ago . so the white-faced freak leaves his neverland ranch for the state home and faces the ridicule of other kids . that is , until they try to haze him during his first cafeteria lunch by making him " wear " his spoon ( " you can either wear it on your nose or up your ass . " decisions , decisions . . . ) and he uses telepathic powers to draw all the silverware in the room into a giant pile in the middle of the table . so if his father is the pillsbury dough boy , his mother must be sissy spacek's carrie character . and you have to factor in two more things from the subsequent scenes , as we find out powder has some sort of super-intelligence ( " your i . q . test went straight off the chart ! " ) and attracts electrical power . this first shows up as powder visits the world of high school ( if he's such a genius already , why would he need a high school education ? ) and sits through a demonstration in jeff goldblum's science class . goldblum plugs in a " jacob's ladder " device that shows current running up two wires and immediately the current flows across the room and into powder's chest . but goldblum just stands there for about thirty seconds watching , instead of just unplugging the damn thing . i guess he was too busy contemplating why he was appearing in his third bad movie in a row ( following hideaway and nine months ) . that's about all i saw before the big fight began and , let me tell you , that was twice as interesting as the movie itself . but like i said , i saw enough to know this would be one of those terrible melodramas about the isolation of people who have superior abilities and how hard it is for those people to assimilate themselves into mainstream civilization . none of these movies ever handle the subject properly , instead introducing the feeble beauty and the beast copout of having a beautiful woman fall in love with the guy's personality , overlooking his personal appearance . i already had the female character picked out ( the girl who was sitting next to him in the back of the room during the electrocution scene ) , but i guess i'll never know for sure what happened . from noraruth@aol . com mon jun 10 15 : 04 : 03 edt 1996 article : 3654 of rec . arts . movies . reviews path : nntphub . cb . att . com ! not-for-mail from : noraruth@aol . com ( andrew hicks ) newsgroups : rec . arts . movies . reviews , rec . arts . sf . reviews subject : review : powder ( 1995 ) followup-to : rec . arts . movies . current-films , rec . arts . sf . movies date : 10 jun 1996 18 : 16 : 03 gmt organization : university of missouri - columbia lines : 70 sender : ecl@mtcts1 . att . com ( evelyn c . leeper ) approved : ecl@mtcts1 . att . com message-id : " > reply-to : noraruth@aol . com ( andrew hicks ) nntp-posting-host : mtcts2 . mt . lucent . com summary : r . a . m . r . #05425 keywords : author=hicks originator : ecl@mtcts2 xref : nntphub . cb . att . com rec . arts . movies . reviews : 3654 rec . arts . sf . reviews : 710 status : ro powder a film review by andrew hicks copyright 1996 andrew hicks / fatboy productions i've never written a review for a movie i haven't watched all the way through , but i had to make an exception with powder . i was about forty-five minutes into this one at a friend's house when he and his brother got into a huge shouting match that would have ended in violence had we not left the house . so i never got to finish the movie and i'm sure as hell not going to pay three more bucks to watch half of a bad movie . but i can at least get a partial review out of it , because i saw enough to know this one wasn't worth finishing in the first place . the movie centers around a freaky teenager who's spent his entire life living in the cellar of his grandparents' house . when grandpa dies ( taking his department store down with him ) , social worker mary steenburgen has to take powder ( first and middle names ? gold bond ) to a state home , where we find out he's a different from the other kids . actually , we find out he's different when we first see him , because he's the most pale individual we've ever seen and moreover he has no body hair whatsoever . when powder is born in the opening minutes of the movie , the father takes one look at him and says " he's not my son . " obviously . all i want to know is where the pillsbury dough boy was nine months ago . so the white-faced freak leaves his neverland ranch for the state home and faces the ridicule of other kids . that is , until they try to haze him during his first cafeteria lunch by making him " wear " his spoon ( " you can either wear it on your nose or up your ass . " decisions , decisions . . . ) and he uses telepathic powers to draw all the silverware in the room into a giant pile in the middle of the table . so if his father is the pillsbury dough boy , his mother must be sissy spacek's carrie character . and you have to factor in two more things from the subsequent scenes , as we find out powder has some sort of super-intelligence ( " your i . q . test went straight off the chart ! " ) and attracts electrical power . this first shows up as powder visits the world of high school ( if he's such a genius already , why would he need a high school education ? ) and sits through a demonstration in jeff goldblum's science class . goldblum plugs in a " jacob's ladder " device that shows current running up two wires and immediately the current flows across the room and into powder's chest . but goldblum just stands there for about thirty seconds watching , instead of just unplugging the damn thing . i guess he was too busy contemplating why he was appearing in his third bad movie in a row ( following hideaway and nine months ) . that's about all i saw before the big fight began and , let me tell you , that was twice as interesting as the movie itself . but like i said , i saw enough to know this would be one of those terrible melodramas about the isolation of people who have superior abilities and how hard it is for those people to assimilate themselves into mainstream civilization . none of these movies ever handle the subject properly , instead introducing the feeble beauty and the beast copout of having a beautiful woman fall in love with the guy's personality , overlooking his personal appearance . i already had the female character picked out ( the girl who was sitting next to him in the back of the room during the electrocution scene ) , but i guess i'll never know for sure what happened . this is the movie that could single-handedly bring " mystery science theater 3000 " out of cancellation . it's one of those movies that's so bad it's absolutely hilarious , due in no small part to its big star , supermodel cindy crawford . if you only remember one thing about fair game , it should be that it singlehandedly proves crawford should stick to the sports illustrated swimsuit issues . if you thought kathy ireland was laughable in alien from l . a . , you'll change your mind when you see fair game . ireland would win handfuls of oscars if this was her only competition . in a real casting coup , crawford plays a super-intelligent lawyer ( in a jogging bra , of course ) . we all know this is a stretch , the only legal opinion crawford has ever put forth being that she favors the death penalty for anyone who wears white after labor day . nonetheless , someone out there thought she'd make a good lawyer , but we're reminded of her true function in the movie when she takes two showers in a period of twenty minutes . and for you horny teenage boys out there , you actually get to see her topless for two seconds in the dark . . . come to think of it , that may have been a body double . cindy crawford isn't black , is she ? like i said , crawford is a lawyer with a bunch of russians after her . billy baldwin ( or is it stephen ? alec ? adam ? kim basinger ? ) is the police detective who has to save her life , time after time , chase after chase , explosion after explosion . there's absolutely nothing original about this movie . it's every cop show of the 70's mixed with every action thriller of the 80's and every technology- exploitation movie of the 90's . three decades of crap all in one place , driven further into the ground by crawford's complete lack of acting talent . and it's all completely predictable . you know the mistakes baldwin and crawford are going to make before they make them , you know when the " sexual tension " will finally end up in them consummating the relationship , you know when the villains will capture crawford so baldwin has to rescue her in the climax and you know the movie's going to suck from the first scene . the plot isn't really explained until the end . all we know is these russians have every detail about crawford in their computer . in the words of one of the villains , " we even know what size pantyhose she wears . " ( yeah , you and every 14-year-old boy in america . ) he goes on to add , " we know more about her than she does . " ( _that_ i find very easy to believe . ) i hope you enjoyed those two sample dialogue quotes , because i wrote down plenty of other bad ones ( " if it weren't for me , you'd still be pulling bananas out of your ass in cuba ! " ) because , you see , fair game is not only a showcase for recycled action cliches and terrible acting , but also some seriously bad dialogue . it all adds up to a really terrible movie that made me laugh in plenty of places i wasn't supposed to and grimace in places i was supposed to laugh . one more thing fair game has against it is some awful comic relief . would you laugh at a scene where crawford tortures a computer nerd with double entendres like " i'm very interested in _hard_ware " and other crap about playing with his joystick ? i wouldn't , but not because i'm a computer nerd . it's just not funny . crawford's only contribution to the information age are a few gif files floating around with her head on a nude traci lords' body . . . or was it jack lord's body ? i'll leave you with the final line of dialogue in the movie . the boat with all the russians has just blown up and baldwin and crawford are floating on a life raft . crawford says woodenly , " that was my client's boat you just blew up . i'm filing a lawsuit against you . you're in big trouble , " or something to that effect , and baldwin replies smugly , " what do i have to do to get out of it ? " they of course begin making out and the credits roll . i'm not going to talk about how stupid the line is or how , if they'd really wanted to go for a bad closing line they would have had baldwin say , " you think i could settle out of court ? " but i will tell you that , if anyone ever suggests you watch fair game with him or her , you quote the final line of the movie to that person : " what do i have to do to get out of it ? " serving america for over 1/50th of a century ! attention moviegoers : you are about to enter a meaning-free zone . should the sound system malfunction during your viewing of 200 cigarettes , do not panic . the film will work just as well as a silent movie . chronicling the meaningless lives of vain , yuppie types , the movie covers the same ground as the wilt stillman films ( last days of disco , barcelona and metropolitan ) but without any of his acerbic wit and the inviting style of his writing . first-time writer shana larsen makes the mistake of creating a couple of dozen characters and not giving any of them any depth . there isn't one of these characters worth caring about . the movie features such a cornucopia of hot young stars that it looks like a celluloid version of " people magazine . " among others , the movie features : ben affleck , casey affleck , david chappelle , janeane garofalo , gaby hoffmann , catherine kellner , courtney love , jay mohr , martha plimpton , christina ricci and paul rudd . and unlike people magazine , the people speak , not that they have anything interesting to say . it's new year's eve in 1981 , and monica ( martha plimpton ) is preparing her big party . structured as a series of relatively unrelated stories about her guests on the way to the party , director risa bramon garcia flits back and forth among her stars . monica's apartment is in " noho , " an area that one of the guests describes as " so cool , all of the poor people live there . " typical of the shallow couples in the movie are kevin ( paul rudd ) and his friend and would-be sexual partner lucy ( courtney love ) . they argue about whether lucy is a slut or not since she sleeps with everyone , except him , of course . she dares him to go immediately to a bathroom stall and have sex with her , which turns out to be neither erotic , funny or successful -- rather like the rest of the story . the movie gets its title from the carton of cigarettes that lucy gives kevin for his new year's eve birthday . " cigarettes are a shield against emotional interaction with other people , " kevin later tells lucy in a snippet of dialog that sounds profound only outside the context of the movie . another character , played by jay mohr , has a problem with his sexual triumphs . every woman he beds falls deeply in love with him by the next morning . when his latest conquest tells him of her affection for him , his response is " i like a lot of people . " as the movie finally draws to a close , the characters awaken from their post-party game of musical beds . some have passed out early from alcohol abuse and remember little , while others actually have some clue as to what happened . the movie itself is so forgettable that by the time you reach your car in the parking lot , all trace of the film will have vanished from your mind , which is probably the best thing that can be said about the movie . 200 cigarettes runs 1 : 40 . it is rated r for profanity , sex and one dope smoking scene and would be acceptable for older teenagers . i have nothing against unabashedly romantic films . when done right , with at least slightly evident restraint , they can be engaging , sweeping , appealing . but it's a hell of a shame when someone botches it as badly as nora ephron botched sleepless in seattle , a hollow , boring romance that should appeal only to the most gullible of viewers ; the ones willing to buy into ephron's whiny views of life and romance . tom hanks and meg ryan , two of hollywood's most likeable stars play sam baldwin and annie reed , repectively . baldwin's wife recently died and he moved to seattle with his son , jonah , seeking to get away from the familiar surroundings which remind him of his late spouse . jonah senses tension and calls a talk radio show to tell the world about their problems . sam seems ready to strangle his son for calling the show , but when he gets on the phone he begins pouring his heart out . ephron has him do this so that annie reed ( meg ryan ) can hear it . annie is a happy woman . she is engaged to walter , an allergy-prone working man and seems to be perfectly content . but after hearing sam the widower on the radio show , she becomes convinced that he is her destiny and is willing to risk her engagement for it . five years after this movie hit theaters , hanks , ryan and ephron would team up again in the far better , although still sub-par romantic comedy you've got mail , which is about people who hate each other in real life falling in love on the internet . at least that movie had a sense of spontaneity . here it seems that the first one hundred minutes exist solely to set up for the last five . the fact that sam and annie will finally meet is so excruciatingly obvious that everything else is perfunctory . sleepless in seattle is full of wonderful performers ; from its two leads to supporting stars like bill pullman and rosie o'donnell . but none of them can save the film from being a bore . its characters are dull and empty , its script isn't funny or particularly charming . the script has a fundamental problem : annie gives up , for little reason , her life with walter to pursue " sleepless in seattle , " whom she has never even seen . it's the kind of life decision that real people don't make , and its a major , unforgivable plausibility sacrifice . in essence , this movie's purpose is to head towards a goal that shouldn't even exist . it's a ten minute short film with ninety-five minutes of filler . if you were to show me sleepless in seattle and i didn't have to review it , you could just call me " asleep in philadelphia . " ? 1999 eugene novikov‰ ; if you've seen the trailers or commercials , it's rather difficult to really figure out what this movie has in store . well , it's hard to tell after watching the movie as well . bruce willis is a resident of the future , and it is a rather bleak future . the world's population had disintigrated into a mere 200 , 000 and is no longer ruled by humans but animals . the reason ? in 1995 , an organization called the army of the 12 monkeys contaminated the world with a pure virus , thus wiping out practically the world's population in a mere month . bruce willis' character is one of the surviving few , but is enslaved by scientists , as are most of last living humans . they barter his freedom by sending him on an assignment and having him do the ultimate task : go into the past , find the leader of the army of the 12 monkeys , and kill him . well , this explanation didn't come easy . although the movie is very thought provoking of us as a people , our future and the evilo in the world , as a story it is very confusing . and dragging . i know a movie isn''t keeping my interest when i fidget in my seat or feel the need to look at my watch only to find that it's only been an hour passed . terry gilliam has a certain style that i realize many appreciate , and i haven't watched his previous work brazil , but this movie felt like it took too long to tell and yet when one realizes the end is near because it is very easy to figure out , you wish it were more complex , and not to mention that the movie is depressing is the only reason why it did invoke emotion from me . house on haunted hill ( 1999 ) starring taye diggs , geoffrey rush , ali larter , famke janssen , peter gallagher , bridgette wilson , max perlich , lisa loeb , james marsters , and chris kattan . directed by william malone , written by dick beebe , " house on haunted hill " initializes itself to the audience with a scene involving zombie-like mental patients attacking and murdering doctors in the goriest ways possible . one doctor is killed instantly after having a pencil rammed completely through his neck . a nurse has her head forced into a barrel of water . these mobs of zombies presented are like those in previous b-horror flicks , with grunting noises and cadaverous movements . except this time , at the end of the millenium , the film is given the power to show exactly how horrific these creatures can be . in past horror films , the actual murder scenes are left out or not shown forcing the viewer to assume their own nasty bloody deaths for the hapless victims . " house on haunted hill " doesn't want their audience to have an imagination , everything is provided for them to watch and squirm , not think . this nonsense violence thrown out of nowhere is unfortunately the most refreshing part about this film . " house on haunted hill " , which is based on the 1958 film of the same title , introduces a handful of characters as quickly as it can , following the opening blood fest . the film has no intention of providing character development or a laudable plot . the aim here is to scare the audience with chilling , unexpected shots of blood , guts , and mayhem . however , the film is neither scary nor unpredictable . the plot involves five people who are dared to spend the night in a haunted house for one million dollars by an amusement park owner ( geoffrey rush ) . each character is a failure in the external world and acknowledges that they would do anything for that money . since the characters are immediately generalized as either greedy or caring , the expectations of who will survive or not is killed five minutes after you meet them . the problem is that every character is not likable . the two who come closest to being civilized are a womanizer ( taye diggs - who should be doing films a lot better than this with all of his talent ) and a businesswoman who accepts being womanized ( ali larter ) . the characters presented are so annoying and pathetic , that it is hard to cheer for them or scream them . the worst character in this film , or maybe in any film released this year , is chris kattan's watson pritchett . he spends the whole film whining about the spooky house in a tone so irritating and inappropriate , that he unintentionally begins to seem more evil than the house itself . waiting for pritchett to die , was a strenuously difficult act to sit through . the most humorous actor of the bunch is geoffrey rush playing steven price ( an homage to victor price who starred in the original ) . playing the rich man who supposedly organized the party , he plays the role perfectly in a twisted way where it is obvious that he is up to something just by the expressions on his face . however , rush is pretty much wasted in a confusing subplot involving a hateful marriage with evelyn price , played by famke janssen . the main problem is that " house on haunted hill " is not scary . to top off that huge disappointment , every actor was wasted and the script was completely ludicrous . if the annoying characters and hilariously bad dialogue were intentionally underdeveloped ( similar to " deep blue sea " ) , the goal for creating a creepy , suspenseful action film was completely missed . fit for a ghoul's night out , fat girl stands cast iron firm with the simplistic , fatuous , built-in excuse that its woman director is baring the harsh sexual realities of adolescent girls . being a boy , i might not understand female behavior and am unequipped to analyze this particular pseudo-feminist coming-of-age story . fair enough . i'll pretend to ignore the mannered posturing and health class 101 " this is a no-no " dialogue when older teenage boy coaxes younger teenage girl to let him fuck her up the ass , speaking variations on " it won't hurt ! " for a scene that seems to last at least ten minutes . this is done almost entirely in an unbroken master shot that suggests unimaginative camerawork more than unblinking voyeurism . they dare you to look away , without possessing the courage of allowing the children to actually sound like children ( they're mouthpieces for writer-director catherine breillat's one-note clinical politics ) . rather than show an even-handed evaluation of the rigors of hormonal change , breillat ( previously responsible for the unwatchable romance ) wants to indulge in her hour of hate . life is pain , highness . get used to it . she'd find keen bedfellows in neil labute and todd solondz , other sultans of misanthropy who lack the balls to be earnest or honest . for children , dealing with trauma and pain is complicated . to bury that in sarcasm and academic theory feels cheap . these would-be auteurs ( more like hauteurs ) haven't earned the right to display suffering because they don't layer it in emotional truth ( as mike leigh does throughout naked and david lynch in several key scenes of blue velvet ) . of course , there i go again comparing her to all these ( better ) male directors . i don't care . gender be damned , she's borderline inept . braced for a knee-jerk reaction from the art house crowd ( mortified shock or compulsory applause will suffice ) , writer-director catherine breillat may well accomplish her mission to get a rise out of people . don't be fooled . this grotesque oversimplification of awkward forays into passion may be quickly forgotten , remembered only as cold , boring , philosophically arid , and incompetently photographed . the hyperviolent climactic sequence proves so extraordinarily misguided that i honestly wondered whether breillat had thrown in an impromptu dream sequence . twelve years old , a bundle of dough with a sour pout , the superb ana ? s reboux plays the titular fat girl with a thousand yard stare and a frumpy insouciance . ( her character is also named ana ? s . ) sitting at the table morosely slurping down a banana split , her presence is grounded and heartbreaking . it's a pity breillat never finds anything for her to do other than get defensive against her evil storybook sister , 15-year old elena ( roxane mesquida ) , for bringing a transitory boyfriend home to their shared room . in this summer cottage , ana ? s has no escape from her position as stoic bedside observer to elena's depressing confusion of cheap sex with romance . the boy in question , a smug italian college kid named fernando ( libero de rienzo ) is a real piece of work , claiming that the experience is a declaration of love while begging for a blowjob . ana ? s doesn't receive any warmth from her largely absent parents , who join elena in making fun of her hefty girth . she finds pleasure in wandering the beach alone , singing songs to herself , and swimming in the pool kissing the metal railing and pretending that it's her paramour . reboux commands the screen , but there's only so much a child actress can do recounting pretentious monologues to herself . if one is inspired to rescue this young performer and place her in a better movie , at least she fares better than the other young talent asked to perform in intense love scenes that might feel justified if they weren't so dramatically misguided . this 83-minute vignette is something of a horror show , but breillat saves her nastiest poison for the very end . on the long ride home punctuated by an uncomfortable silence between family members , gigantic trucks swerve by as the hour grows late . will mommy fall asleep at the wheel ? perhaps . or maybe there's something deadlier around the corner , lying in wait to pounce upon the unsuspecting fat girl . what's more , she might even like it . with the intent of being unfair and unpredictable , placing her heroine in the most diabolical of corners in order to face up to impending adulthood , breillat's extreme flourish of sadistic tawdriness reveals her as a master purveyor of contempt . fat girl is a bitter pill indeed . aka ? ma soeur ! screened at the 2001 new york film festival ( feature coming soon ) . " marie couldn't talk , " paulie , the parrot star of his own movie , tells us about the daughter in his original family . " dad couldn't listen . and mom couldn't cope , so they got rid of me . " paulie , the autobiography of a talking , not merely a mimicking , parrot , has jay mohr in the lead role of the bird - the voice , not the body - and as the minor character of benny , a small-time crook who uses paulie to pull off small scams like stealing twenties from atms . as the parrot , mohr is delightful when director john roberts allows him to cut up . benny , on the other hand , is a character you've seen a thousand times before , and mohr brings nothing new to that role . roberts's deliberately slow pacing of laurie craig's script lends a subtle sweetness to its humor but creates some definite problems . when a kids' movie wants to mosey along , watch out . if the material is not crisp and perfectly composed , beauty can sometimes dissolve into tedium . so it is with paulie . when they let their bird do his stand-up comedy routines , the show hums and the audience roars . too often , however , a sleepy silence ensues among the viewers as they wait for the story to pickup again . tony shalhoub , the smart-mouthed chef from big night , plays misha , a recent russian immigrant to the u . s . he had been a teacher of literature at home , but now he makes his living as a janitor in the animal research lab to which paulie has been taken for study . although misha gets a few nice lines ( " i'm russian . i like long stories . " ) , his somber part seems designed only to elicit our sympathy . besides paulie , the only character worth noting - other than 2 cute small parts played by cheech marin and gina rowlands - is the speech-impaired marie , played in a precious performance by cinematic newcomer , 5-year-old hallie kate eisenberg . naturally enchanting , she gives the picture genuine heart . the bad news is that her part is confined to the first half . the best scenes have the bird dancing and strutting to show off his comedic skills . when marie's family gets a cat , for example , the bird , who hasn't wanted to learn how to fly until then , takes an instant interest in soaring . tricking the cat while insulting him at the same time , paulie calls him a stupid hairball . their rapid physical antics add to the humor of the situation . it's good quality sitcom material but performed by animals . when one of the humans without much of a voice begins to sing , paulie cringes . " i'm a bird , " he explains with his frequently subtle humor . " i have a small brain , and it's about to explode . " the movie contains rich doses of john debney's dreamy music . with heavy use of a solo violin , he keeps reinforcing the film's heart-warming themes . and when paulie finally takes off in flight , the orchestra comes up loud and strong with cymbals clashing . " it's a long story , " says paulie . " it's the only kind he knows , " reflects misha . and the motion picture , which runs the standard length for a kids' movie , still feels too long . the best parts are enthralling , but then there are all of those dead spots in-between . paulie is a movie that never quite lives up to its promise but manages to charm nevertheless . paulie runs 1 : 32 . it is raged pg for a few mild profanities and would be fine for all ages . my son , jeffrey , age 9 , gave the movie * * with his biggest complaint being that there wasn't enough action . he thought paulie was funny , and the actress that played marie was quite good . his friend sam , almost 9 , thought the movie was " awesome , excellent , " and gave it * * * * . he thought paulie was good , but he didn't believe the way marie's speech impediment was acted . well , here's a distasteful , thoroughly amateurish item that , surprisingly , was actually a box-office hit at the time of its release . after just viewing the film for the first time , my primary question is how did anyone with an iq north of 35 enjoy this movie ? it is cheap , idiotic , unfunny , and not nearly as raunchy as i had heard it was . at least some smut would have livened things up a bit . " porky's , " tells the story ( if you can call it that ) of four clueless high school buddies , pee wee ( dan monahan ) , billy ( mark herrier ) , tommy ( wyatt knight ) , and mickey ( roger wilson ) , whom desperately want to get laid . women , for the most part , are a mystery to them ( and in this movie , they are to the audience , as well , since all of them are written and acted as if they are aliens from a different planet ) . their plan is sidetracked , however , when they venture out to a smarmy strip bar named porky's , which they are able to get into using fake id's . after they pay the manager one-hundred bucks for three hookers , they are played a trick on and find themselves being dumped into the swamp below the building . for these four teenage guys , this means war on porky's . " porky's , " ultimately manages to fail on almost every possible level . as a teenage sex-romp , it is not wild or amusing enough . as a comedy , all of the jokes are predictable and fall flat . as a look back at the 1950's , it is something , i suspect , most people from that era would want to bury deep in a grave . and as a revenge movie , it is a crushing bore . one of the most offensive things about , " porky's , " is how jaw-droppingly inaccurate the film is about teenagers . the four main characters are not even attempted to be developed as characters , and we learn very little about them , except that they are horny and would probably feel more comfortable in a preschool . that sure is revealing information . the female characters fare even worse under the inaudacious screenplay and direction by bob clark . the women are all treated as objects or comedy props , rather than real people . for example , the two gym teachers , mrs . balbricker ( nancy parsons ) and honeywell ( kim cattrall ) , only have one purpose , and that is to be made fun of . mrs . balbricker is a gruff , no-holds-barred , overwight woman who will not stand for any foolishness , and , in one particularly embarrassing scene for all involved , honeywell has sex with a coach and barks like a dog . there is no way to tell if parsons or cattrall are servicable actresses ( even though i have the suspicion they are not ) , but one thing is for sure : they are asked to do things in this film that are not at all funny , only humiliating . to prove how out-of-touch this so-called comedy is , compare it to other more serious 80's films about teenagers , and it looks even worse in comaprison . any of the john hughes pictures , such as 1984's " sixteen candles , " or , 1985's " the breakfast club , " put , " porky's , " at an even greater shame . those films actually dealt with serious teen matters , but remained a great deal funnier , thanks to their bright and truthful writing . and heck , if , " porky's , " wanted to be a teenage sex movie , i'd take 1982's " fast times at ridgemont high , " or 1982's " the last american virgin , " over this any day of the week . director bob clark is not a bad director . two years after he made , " porky's , " he directed the nostalgic holiday classic , " a christmas story . " i would forgive him for this misfire , in fact , if it wasn't for the fact that he also wrote the screenplay . just the thought that someone would actually sit down to write such a piece of garbage , and think that it was actually a film worth releasing unto the unsuspecting world , is actually a whole lot funnier than anything in , " porky's . " okay , i just don't know why , but i seem to be getting this diversion to disney-made real-life actors movies . . . as well as real-life acting tim allen movies . i couldn't even make it through " the santa clause , " so why did i even see this ? ( just to make an idle point , i did like " toy story , " but that was good ) also , i have this aversion to bad french farces , and if they remake them into american films . well , this is my excuse : it was prom night , i'm not a prom person , my best friend and i impulsively went to the drive-ins where they were playing " grosse pointe blank " - wouldn't mind seeing it again - but i had to suffer through this first . i agreed to go . ugh . in all fairness , i can say that at least this inane plot wasn't dreamed by an american . it was originally a french film released in america under the pseudonym of " little indian , big city " ( french title - " un indien dans la ville " ) . i stayed away from it like it was limburgher , and according to roger ebert , that was a good idea . but i can only imagine how bad that must be if this is an improvement . the stupid plot concerns a father who just learns he has a son from his current marriage . let me clarify : his wife ( jobeth williams ) left him years ago , and i mean years - around 13 or so - and went to an island in the carribean or something . he goes to her to finally get the divorce papers signed so he can remarry this . . . thing ( played with an emphasis on over-done by lolita davidovitch , who is usually good ) . she tells him he has a son as his boatman goes off . he meets him , he has a weird name ( mimi seku , i think . . . or as the bad joke goes - " mitsubishi " - laugh track cue ) , he knows english , they fish , more bad jokes , pirhanna joke , the kid has a pet spider , he makes a promise to take him to the statue of liberty . . . you know the drill . now this is where the plot complicates ( well , complicates for this one , at least ) : the fish-out-of-water joke switches from tim allen on an island to his island son in new york city . tim is a stock broker and his coffee profits are plunging because his laptop died and he wasn't able to communicate with his assistant or whatever he is - martin short . a russian mob is tossed into the plot somewhere ( how come in every hokey french import , there is a mob ? ! ) tim learns a lesson of life from his son and we discover that cellular phones can operate on an island even though there are no sockets to recharge the batteries . the story is crap , the jokes are hokey and not really funny , and the actors have to struggle to make it interesting . but the material is so fowl that even a rewrite by quentin tarantino couldn't help it . the whole time , i kept thinking that a grown person had to think this up and several more grown people had to do this . at the end of filming , did they all scream out , " we've made a great movie , guys ! " i sure hope not . big question to get from this film : why would someone want to remake what was billed as one of the worst films of all time if they're just going to do it the exact same way ? huh ? my ( for some of the actors' names and a joke or two that made me chuckle , i guess . . . okay , so i really feel bad for it , so i only gave it one star ) " the beach " is a structurally confusing film that i can only describe has having multiple personality disorder . every forty minutes of this two-hour film begins with a new theme , virtually discarding what has been set up in the preceding act . it starts off purposefully as a film about an innocent man seeking new thrills in a dangerous environment . but then in the second act , the mood of the film abruptly changes and it becomes a story about a love triangle on an idyllic island paradise that evokes visions of " blue lagoon " . forty minutes later , the mood changes once more , and it becomes a dumbed down version of " lord of the flies " where an isolated community is discovered , where their moral code touts maintaining a sense of bliss at all costs . by the time it's over , you can only scratch your head and wonder what this film was really meant to be about . the main character of " the beach " is angst-ridden richard ( leonardo dicaprio ) . he travels to the netherworld of bangkok where back alley merchants push their wares upon unsuspecting tourists and scantily clad women brazenly ask if you're looking for a good time . richard's voice-over tells the audience that he has come to this place because he is bored with his life and feels that one way to reinvigorate himself is to let go of the familiar and to enter into a world of the unknown . this seedy environment is just what richard is looking for . he checks into a fleabag hotel where he meets the crazed daffy ( robert carlisle ) . he seems like a raving lunatic , obviously high from heavy drug use and looking as if he is afflicted with some sort of psychosis . though his jagged behavior would distress most of us , richard listens to him as he speaks of a mysterious island that contains the most perfect beach that anyone has ever seen . moreover , the island itself flourishes with enough hemp plants that can make a small city high for life . captivated by the idea , he asks two other hotel guests to join him on his journey . they are worldly etienne and the alluring francoise , who have also come to thailand for reasons similar to richard's . once they finally arrive at this paradise , however , the mood of the story shifts to richard's growing desire for francoise . this particular plot point is weak at best because there is absolutely no question in my mind that francoise will wind up with richard . etienne is about as exciting as fluffy , white sand . it's odd that etienne never sees this coming , but paradise has a way of hiding potential threats just out of view . and once the three stumble across the hidden community ( mood shift imminent ) , more events transpire that depict its hidden dangers . for example , there are marijuana fields close by patrolled by armed guards . and the lagoon in which they swim invites the occasional shark . there are several ideas that are introduced in " the beach " and each one could merit its own feature-length film . there's the man vs . nature angle , the love triangle angle , and the utopia-gone-awry angle . but the film meanders so tremendously that its entire purpose becomes blurred . dicaprio , as a result , has an almost impossible time of trying to embody the different states of mind that he and the film goes through . consequently , the audience has an equally difficult time trying to keep up . the most absurd remake of 1998 ? it's a toss up between gus van sant's psycho and mighty joe young , the new disney picture based on the old rko picture . ( i knew i was in trouble when a polished , computer-generated version of that famous rko logo appeared before the head credits . ) there is no great demand for another giant ape movie-make that ape movie , period . ( witness the quick deaths of buddy , born to be wild and congo . ) and while this latest entry is inoffensive and watchable , it's also an assembly line product through and through , lacking the charm and unpredictability of the jungle serials that partly inspired it . theron is jill young : as a young girl in the wilds of africa , she befriended a baby gorilla after both their mothers were slain by poachers . that baby gorilla ( nicknamed joe ) grows to immense proportions , and adult jill basically bides her time looking after him , playing hide and seek with him and guarding him against poachers . enter conservationist greg ( paxton ) , who convinces jill to move with joe to california , where they can protect him better in a controlled environment . joe is restless at first ; no sooner does he finally settle in to the new place than those nasty poachers show up in l . a . , plotting joe's demise . suffice it to say , the movie could have been called " joe : ape in the city . " theron ( so good in devil's advocate ) and paxton ( so good in the recent a simple plan ) are fine actors , but not fine enough to transcend the material , a paint-by-numbers script from the hack writers of superman iv and mercury rising . the plot arguably borrows more from steven spielberg's the lost world than the 1949 original , with the computer-generated t-rex-i mean , joe-wreaking havoc on the busy streets for an encore ; the storytelling becomes especially lazy during this final third , with jill shouting , " look , joe's headed for the movie theatre ! " followed by a shot of joe scaling mann's chinese theater ; a moment later , jill shouts again something like " look , joe's headed for an amusement park ! " and what do you know , there's joe at the pallisades carnival , scaring the bejesus out of innocent thrillseekers . the seams of last-minute edits to mighty joe young show-unrelated scenes are patched together with quick dissolves . the movie sure feels uneven , regardless : act two is underdeveloped , while a little of joe smashing cars in act three goes a long , long way . underwood ( tremors , speechless ) was perhaps not the director for the job ; even the plentiful , untamed landscape looks dull in his hands . ( capturing the beauty of nature requires more than his point and shoot style . ) i did enjoy certain sequences , especially the demoliton of a black-tie dinner sequence ; and the prologue , however implausible , is touching . ( as a tyke , joe acts just like e . t . ) rick baker's make-up effects and puppetry are outstanding , the real star of the show-yet , for all its technical flawlessness , the creature remains too grumpy and homicidal to love . ( his facial expressions are variations on a scowl . ) to be fair , i saw mighty joe young in a cinema packed with wailing children-it's a wonder i was able to decipher the dialogue . it's certainly not a film for very young kids-intense fighting scenes may scare them , while any time joe's not on camera may bore them to tears . ( note : older boys are more likely to be dazzled by theron's colourful array of tank tops . ) i suspect bland mighty joe young is passable entertainment for a family outing , but they sure don't make ? em like they used to . in 1990 , the surprise success an unheralded little movie called ghost instantly rescued the moribund careers of its trio of above-the-title stars , patrick swayze , demi moore , and whoopi goldberg . eight years later , moore and goldberg's careers aren't exactly thriving , but they have had their share of screen successes since ; the same can't be said of swayze , who has just added yet another turkey to his resume with the aptly named black dog . forget the mortal kombat movies--this trucksploitation flick is the closest the movies has come to video games . good truck driver jack crews ( swayze ) must drive a cargo of illegal firearms from atlanta to new jersey . along the way , jack and his crew of three run into a number of obstacles--such as a highway weigh station , evil truckers , and deadly uzi-firing motorcyclists . every so often , like at the end of a video game " level " or " stage , " the main baddie pops up : red ( meat loaf , fresh from the triumph of spice world ) , who wants to steal the cache of guns . just in case you forget his name or have trouble keeping track of who's driving what , all of red's vehicles , be it a pickup or a big rig , are painted--you guessed it--red . i could go into more of the plot specifics ( such as jack's dream of having a nice home with his family , the past trauma that sent him to prison and cost him his trucking license , the fbi/atf crew tracking the cargo ) , but they are of little importance . all that matters to director kevin hooks and writers william mickelberry and dan vining are the obstacles jack confronts in his drive from point a to point b . but they fail at even this modest goal , for none of the highway chaos , as credibly staged as it is , is terribly interesting , let alone exciting . once you've seen a couple of trucks bang against each other or a big rig explode the first time , you've seen it every time . as dreary as black dog is as an entertainment , the saddest part about the film has nothing to do with what shows up onscreen ; it's that swayze has to reduce himself to such work . while far from the best of actors , he is certainly not horrible , and he is a charismatic presence . i don't know if it's his judgment or the dearth of quality job offers that leads him to involve himself with bombs such as black dog . regardless , if he continues on this career track , could a tv series be far behind ? these days , we are witnessing the deluge of films based on old , cult tv shows . most of the times , the fans of these shows shudder thinking what could hollywood hacks of the present do with the memories of their past . but , some five or six years ago , there weren't that many movies and the trend didn't look that depressing . so , the people who , like the author of this review , grew up watching flintstones , popular 1960s animated series about " modern stone age " family , weren't particularly worried when the word came about live action remake . after all , the producer behind the project was steven spielberg and , if anything else , at least the special effects would be good . the plot revolves about flintstones , family set in fictious stone age " town " of bedrock , whose members enjoy the lifestyle of 1950s middle class america . fred flinstone ( john goodman ) works in the quarry , and one day he helps his best friend and neighbour barney rubble ( rick moranis ) and his wife betty ( rosie o'donnell ) to adopt a baby . to return the favour , barney switches his results of aptitude test with fred , and , based on that , fred gets well-paid job in management . but , of course , this is just a sham - corrupt official cliff vandercave ( kyle maclachlan ) and his sultry secretary sharon stone ( halle berry ) need a scapegoat for their embezzlement scheme . in the meantime , fred's wife wilma ( elizabeth perkins ) must face her mother ( elizabeth taylor ) who can't stand fred . on the superficial level , the flintstones did the excellent job in bringing the animated series to life . computer effects are flawless , and the costumes , settings and other details are authentic for all the fans of the show . unfortunately , problems with this film start with inadequate casting - rick moranis is too thin for the role of barney , while the cartoon betty used to be much skinnier than rosie o'donnell . but the greatest problem of all is plot , or to be precise , the lack of plot . some thirty six screenwriters made sure that the plot of the film is lame , original characters one-dimensional , and many elements of the story , like embezzlement and inter-office politics , totally incomprehensible for the little children , the main targeted audience of this film . result is almost unwatchable mess , occasionally saved mostly by excellent acting ( elizabeth perkins was right on mark as wilma ) and one of the classic example of mortal hollywood disease known as " high concept " . after great hype , movie quickly sank into oblivion and the fans of the show returned to the animated version . all in all , film isn't that bad , but only the hard core fans and nostalgics can find more than guilty pleasure in it . after 1993's " falling down , " i hoped that joel schumacher would mature into a great director . since then he has offered us two so-so adaptations of john grisham novels ( " the client " and " a time to kill " ) and two batman movies that lowered the standards of that franchise . although these disappointments dampened my enthusiasm for schumacher's potential , the publicity for his latest release , " 8mm , " raised new hope . it promised to be something unusual . it wasn't . the plot goes like this : tom welles ( nicolas cage ) is a private eye who is hired by a wealthy woman , allegorically named mrs . christian ( myra carter ) , to investigate an 8mm movie found among her late husband's belongings . the movie appears to be a snuff film in which a teenage girl is raped and murdered by a man in a leather mask ( who reminds me of bane in schumacher's " batman & robin " ) . because murders can be realistically simulated in movies , mrs . christian wants tom to discover if the girl is alive or dead . by combing through missing persons reports , tom finds the girl's name and tracks her to los angeles . with the aid of max california ( joaquin phoenix ) , a video store clerk ( and another symbolic name ) , tom wanders through the underworld of pornography in search of snuff . the plot bears an obvious resemblance to paul schrader's " hardcore , " in which a father goes deeper and deeper into the industries of porn and sex to find his missing daughter . both films are modeled on dante's " the inferno , " of course ; " 8mm " makes that connection overly obvious by casting max as virgil and having him constantly tell tom that they were heading toward a meeting with the devil . " hardcore " is a much more subtle and meaningful film . " 8mm " had a lot of promise . in its better moments it's an examination of violence as entertainment and of the beast within even a nice guy like tom . one moment of the first sort : when we first meet max he's reading truman capote's " in cold blood " underneath the cover of a porn novel . " in cold blood " was the father of the true-crime genre , which is the literary equivalent of snuff films . max promises that we will see examples of the second theme when he tells tom , " dance with the devil and the devil don't change ; the devil changes you . " tom does change-i'll let you discover the specifics for yourself-but not permanently . schumacher and screenwriter andrew kevin walker didn't have the guts to take tom so far down the dark tunnel that he couldn't come back . ( walker's " seven " did a much better job on that theme by refusing to compromise ) . cage tries hard to pull it off , but the script doesn't give him enough to work with . phoenix walks away with the movie-he's smart , charming , and funny . other cast members include " fargo " 's peter stormare camping it up as porn auteur dino velvet and " the sopranos " 's james gandolfini as a soulless porn merchant who pushes tom too far . in the last analysis , since " 8mm " falls short of its pretensions and its promise , its just another private eye story in the raymond chandler/ross macdonald tradition of having the detective uncover the depravity behind the glossy facade of wealth and privilege . however , unlike other predictable fare in the genre-last year's " twilight , " for example- " 8mm " is especially disappointing because it could have been much more than it is . i think of i know what you did last summer as the movie that scream and scream 2 could have been . mind you , though , i mean this in the worst possible way . i know what you did last summer is a typical slasher flic without the smarts of the scream's . as a result , it's even worse than some of your better campy horror pictures ( see nightmare on elm street ) because it thinks it's about thirty times smarter than it is . based on a teen book of the same name and , disappointingly , adapted by scream scribe kevin williamson , i know what you did last summer begins with appropriately angsty modern rock music combined with some startling cinematography of a cliff along the ocean and an angsty sort sitting at the top . the appropriate mood being set ( this is angst-horror for the 90's ) , we cut over to the july 4th parade in a small north carolina town . from there , we see the blond , female protagonist , helen shivers ( woodenly played by sarah michelle geller ) , getting crowned croaker queen as the blond male " hero , " barry cox ( woodenly played by ryan phillipe ) , and matched brunette pair of protagonists , julie james and ray bronson ( woodenly played by party of five's jennifer love hewitt and freddie prinze jr . , respectively ) cheer her on . after getting drunk at a party , going to a beach to wittily discuss urban legend and indulge in some foreshadowing , and having some meaningful sex ( if you believe what the characters say ) , the four run down some guy crossing the windy cliff road at night . his face is mangled so they can't tell who it is , and they come to the decision to dump him in the ocean so as to not ruin any of their future chances for success in the world . cut to one year later . the lives of our protagonists have gone from annoying to bad . main brunette female , the bright one of the bunch , has been plagued with guilt and almost failed out of college . blond female has forfeited her dreams of starring on guiding light , and now works at the family store in town . brunette male is a fisherman , living off the land . blond male has become a complete jerk and quarterback on some college football team . then , predictably , their past comes back to haunt them . it all begins with an irrational murder , followed by some taunting of protagonists by the mysterious killer , bad acting by a good actress ( anne heche ) , an improbable plot , bad acting by the main bad actors , some more killing , concluding in a climactic scene , mostly climactic in the relief at the end of the movie . all the while , the actors and actresses spout off bad lines , and main brunette male does his best keanu reeves imitation . not that the movie was without pleasure . count the illogical plot twists and bad lines for some fun . mostly , though , note the costumes of main females and how trendily unattractive they make the otherwise eye-catching pair look . " nothing more than a high budget masturbation fantasy " showgirls ( nc-17 ) - contains graphic nudity , profanity , sexual situations and violence . some people , however , keep their clothes on . you do not watch porn films for their intellectual values , nor do you write reviews on them . that's why this review will be short . it seems that this film will end up in the porn section when it hits the video stores . there is no story , script , point or acting . only naked bodies , which is exactly the point . here is the so called plot : nomi , the 23-year-old with a dark past as a hooker , has hitchhiked from somewhere back east to perform in a show where a dancer doesn't wear much more than a light coating of powder and a big , fake smile . no one is twisting nomi's arm . no one is holding her grandmother hostage . she wants to do this . and that is what she is doing till the end credits . so what's the problem then ? what's the point ? what's the film about ? is there anyone whose aspirations could inspire less sympathy ? this film can be described in one sentence : obscene level of incompetence , excessive stupidity in the story line , gross negligence of the viewer's intelligence , a prurient interest in the quick buck . believe me , after an hour with these characters , acting and script , you'll start hoping for someone to kill somebody . elizabeth berkley makes a laughable try as the heroine of this film , that is bad even for eszterhas' script . her character is the only one that is at least half written and she could really have done better . her character denies the fact that she is a whore for the industry , selling her body to the hungry eyes of the horny public . " i am not a whore ! i am a dancer " , she screams , but does it in such an over dramatized way that you'll start laughing . in fact the acting in " showgirls " brings terrible to a new and previously unknown level . not one single achievement , besides the conventional cinematography , is worth mentioning . it is a total waste of time and money . there is not a single moment of what you might call intelligence . the dialogue is structured of ancient stereotypes and cliches lined up one after another . its attempt to even imagine to have half a brain results in a catastrophe . " in my films , " writes director paul verhoeven ( 'basic instinct' , 'total recall' ) , " i hold the mirror up to life . " well , excuse me ? his attempt to go behind the scenes of las vegas , and as he put it " show the naked truth " , is simplified and unreal . occasionally , between his collection of mistakes and logical irrationalities , screenwriter joe eszterhas ( the creator of some of the worst screenplays in hollywood history ) inserts some lines of deep morality , that sound something like this : " hey , i see you . i see that you're hiding " - " from what ? " - " from you " . yes , and even the only decent line in this film : " nomi is what las vegas is all about " can't save 'showgirls' from going under . it's a strange phenomena . it's not erotic , because it lacks sensuality . not dramatic , because it lacks the acting . and not intelligent because it lacks a story . it is simply verhoven's bad excuse for making pornography . you want to see naked women ? bare breasts ? full frontals ? it's nothing wrong with that . but in that case i suggest that you rent a porn film in your local video store , and not waste time surviving through eszterhas' pathetic dialogue . b qualities , while it's only a high budget porn-film . one of the 90s' most unwelcome thriller trends returns from the grave : it's the " ___ from hell " movie ! starting in the early nineties , we were subjected to nearly every conceivable combination of relationships-from-hell ! there were boyfriends from hell , friendly neighborhood cops from hell , nannies from hell , and even secretaries from hell . but hush has found an old standby that somehow was forgotten in the rush : the mother-in-law from hell ! ! ! ! ! the mother-in-law in question is martha , played by jessica lange . she has been single-handedly running the family horse farm , kilronan . her son , jackson ( johnathon schaech ) and his girlfriend , helen ( gwyneth paltrow ) , live in new york , and have no intention to move back down south to the rural kilronan . but those intentions are about to change . you see , martha lives by manipulation . she has used it in years past to breed many championship horses . now , she believes she can use it to breed herself a grandson . though at first , helen finds martha charming , soon she is caught in the domineering martha's web of deception . it's hard to understand why nobody ever wises up to martha' schemes . as written , most of the characters in the film must be very slow witted . but then , the film even treats the audience like idiots . it tries to get away with things ( like leaving a critical piece of evidence in a rather unlikely place ) without even batting an eye . then again an audience which accepts characters as shallow as these isn't one that's likely to question details . jessica lange's martha is the only semi-developed character in the film , and she applies her talents to redeem it as much as she can . a character that could have been simply awful is merely groan-worthy . gwyneth paltrow doesn't have much to build upon , as helen's only character trait seems to be " daughter-in-law " . still , she fares better than johnathon schaech , whose character is so nonexistent , he's inexplicably missing for much of the film . still , there have been much worse " ____ from hell " films . even with its paper-thin characters and ludicrous setups , hush manages to create a few thrills in a color-by-numbers fashion . you know what's coming , but occasionally the film will deliver a shock or two . the old formulas are around for a reason , but that doesn't mean they taste fresh . mugshot ( director/writer/cinematographer/editor : matt mahurin ; cast : belinda becker ( stella ) , michael williams ( rumor ) , robert knepper ( joe/chris ) , robert walker ( random ) , willie lassic ( young brother of rumor ) , maxine joiner ( rumor's mother ) ; runtime : 87 ; mortal films ; 1995 ) reviewed by dennis schwartz a bleak indie film about a stolen identity . there's not much more to this visually stylish film than what meets the eye , as it relies on shock to tell its story of a prolonged vicious mugging . it falls into the category of being a pretentious art-house film , leaving a bitter taste in one's mouth as it stereotypes its characters and unintentionally further inflames the racial issues . it tries to make a heavy-handed point about disenfranchised black youths trapped by their environment , with their only way out being crime . but the story is so filled with violence and its nyc setting looks like hell , that it's hard to enjoy this film and to follow what the logic in the story is supposed to mean . the relationship between the black mugger and his white victim is a cloudy one , which the film never determines what it wants to say about it . matt mahurin is virtual one-man crew in putting this film together ( director/writer /cinematographer/editor ) , who is a still photographer in his day job . the film works best as a visually challenging piece , as each shot looks like a photograph carefully telling the story unfolding . a white photographer ( robert knepper ) is mugged by a black gang while he's on a freelance assignment to take a photo shoot of harlem at night . he becomes a victim of amnesia and his head is bloodied as he's left in a deserted harlem building , as the gang leaves him for dead ; but , one of the muggers , rumor ( michael williams ) , comes back and pretends to help him . he's a would-be photographer , who keeps a scrapbook entitled mugshots in the project apartment he shares with his mother and younger brother . keeping his victim in the dark about who he is by calling him joe and not telling him what's happening , he becomes the photographer for a few days . he enters the photographer's stylish greenwich village apartment and steals his expensive camera , and decides to hold the mugging vic for ransom when he finds out he has a black girlfriend , stella ( belinda becker ) . she's the only one in the film who could act . the film is stuck with a clumsy dialogue and an overuse of symbolism , as it ends with nothing more to tell after the shock and the violent situation it created except to beat it into the ground . it could only be commended for how appealing the film looks , as if it's a scrapbook of still photos put together to celebrate a mugging . i can imagine how good krippendorf's tribe must have looked on paper . it does not surprise me in the least that a group of extremely talented actors , led by the great richard dreyfuss and a good director ( todd holland ) , all wanted to make this film . in fact , it is only the expertise by which this excruciatingly bad script has been executed that keeps me from suggesting that you stay as far away from krippendorf's tribe as possible . in retrospect , i can imagine how bad this film could have been . i shudder at the possibilities of awfulness had it starred an actor less able than dreyfuss . dreyfuss plays james krippendorf , an anthropologist who is granted $100 , 000 by his university to find an undiscovered tribe in new guinea . halfway into his two-year expedition , his wife ( apparently ) dies . i say apparently because when or how she dies is never truly established . later , we find out that much of the grant money was spent on big-screen tvs and other such pleasures . so , when krippendorf finds out what happens to professors who do not use their grant money wisely , he decides to construct an elaborate lie . he makes his own tribe , using his three children as actors in a video . he simply makes up certain incredible facts about this tribe ( which he calls the shelmickedmu ) . audiences at krippendorf's lectures are amazed by his findings that the shelmickedmu practice circumcision . and proof that the typical family unit is led by a single father is truly amazing to the anthropological community . like all films like this , the lie becomes more and more complex , and the suspense is generated with us wondering at what point it is all going to fall out from under our hero . dreyfuss is a funny , talented man , and he is funny in this film . he has lots of positive energy and , unlike most comical actors , really manages to play people like this realistically . this film also requires a lot of physical humor that i've never seen dreyfuss perform , and he does a great job . jenna elfman , who plays veronica mecilli , a scientist who wants in on krippendorf's work , is also very funny and appealing here . and the kid actors are great , as well . but we're talking about the script from hell . this is one of those stories that requires such extreme suspension of disbelief that they might as well have established that the story just takes place in an alternate universe where things like this can happen . but the ridiculousness of the story is not really what is so bad about it . all the cliches and the irritating plot devices could have easily been overcome by dreyfuss and crew . no , the script is plagued with so many clueless stereotypes and mean-spirited characters that i was in disbelief as i watched . furthermore , the manor in which all of this material is covered up is truly shameless . take , for instance , the scene in which krippendorf gets veronica drunk so he can tape them having sex . they get all decked out in the tribe getup , complete with paint to darken their skin . krippendorf does this because he needs footage of the mating rituals of his tribe . now , i saw this scene coming from a mile away , but i said to myself , " no , that would be far too tasteless . there's no way they'll do that . . . oh god ! " they did do it . it's there . i was almost more appalled by the fact that this didn't bother the other audience members with whom i saw this film . i found it deplorable . and when krippendorf is forced to admit that he did it , he simply apologizes without the slightest hint of conviction in his voice . the film is filled with scenes like these . they not only insult the audience , but they insult the types of people that the film portrays . it would take some truly professional work to create videos convincing enough to fool an entire community of scientists , yet krippendorf does it easily in an afternoon . and watching dreyfuss stumble over a completely unprepared speech is funny and entertaining , but i think that most members of the on-screen audience would be able to see that he is making everything up as he goes . if i were an anthropologist , this film would insult me immensely . moving right along , the film plays off every stereotype our culture has ever learned regarding african tribes . sure , dreyfuss dressing up like a chief is really funny , and it allows for some entertaining scenes , but the heart of this material is deeply clueless as to the themes and thoughts that it provokes . it is because of dreyfuss as an actor that i was able to watch this film . his character here is not a good subject for a film because he is a shameless liar , and never once does he show any kind of penance for what he does . i suppose it was interesting to see the formula defied in this case , but for the purposes of good taste , i would have expected something . no , this man sets a terrible example for his kids and colleagues , and the writer of the film ( charlie peters ) didn't include a single scene in which krippendorf takes his kids aside and tells them that what he is doing is very bad . in fact , it's his eldest daughter that frequently tells him that he is doing the wrong thing , and he continually shrugs off her warnings . i suppose it's important to admit that this is a funny film . dreyfuss and elfman , and many of the contrived and insulting scenes , add up to a picture that is anything but boring . and if you're less serious than i , you probably will enjoy it . i , however , can't get past these elements . krippendorf's tribe is being marketed as a family comedy , but this is the kind of film that teaches the kids of our society faulty lessons that they shouldn't be learning . with a little more insight into its story and themes , this could have been a good movie . after a marketing windup of striking visuals and the promise of star caliber actors , mission to mars ends up throwing a whiffleball . fiercely unoriginal , director depalma cobbles together a film by borrowing heavily from what has gone before him . there are aliens similar to those in close encounters of the third kind . the stranded astronaut theme is reminiscent of robinson crusoe on mars . the astronauts encounter space flight difficulties that smack of apollo 13 . interior spacecraft visuals are redolent of 2001 : a space odyssey . instead of using these components as a launching pad to create his own movie , de palma stops right there , refusing to infuse the film with anything even remotely resembling cleverness or heart . mission to mars takes it's first wobbly steps at a pre-launch barbeque in which the perfunctory character introductions are done . during these surface scans of the characters , we learn that jim mcconnell ( sinise ) has lost his wife . it's a plot point revisted throughout the film with jackhammer subtlety . the rest of the crew exhibit a bland affability . there is no contentiousness , no friction to add the the dramatic tension of these men and women being confined to close quarters for an extended length of time . maybe depalma was going for the comraderie of the right stuff , but in that movie , the astronauts had embers of personality to warm us through the technical aspects . it's the year 2020 and this is nasa's first manned excursion to the red planet . a crew , led by luke graham ( cheadle ) , arrives on mars and quickly discovers an anomaly , which they investigate with tragic results . graham is able to transmit a garbled distress call back to earth . in response , earth sends a rescue team comprised of mcconnell , woody blake ( robbins ) , wife terri fisher ( nielsen ) and phil ohlmyer ( o'connell ) . obstacles are put in the crew's way and and they matter-of- factly go about solving them . i should say , mcconnell goes about solving them . time and again , mcconnell is presented as some kind of wunderkind , which wouldn't be so bad if the rest of the crew didn't come across as so aggressivelly unremarkable . ( mention should be made of the misogynistic handling of fisher in a situation where the entire crew's mission and life is in mortal danger . on a team of professionals , she is portrayed as an emotion directed weak link . women serve no purpose in the movie other than to serve as a reflection of a male character's personality trait . ) by the time they land on mars and try to solve the mystery of what occurred , mission to mars starts laying on the cliches and stilted dialogue with a heavy brush . there is an adage in film to " show , don't tell . " mission to mars does both . repeatedly . characters obsessively explain the obvious , explain their actions as they are doing them , explain to fellow astronauts facts which should be fundamental knowledge to them . the film's conclusion is momumentally derivative , anti-climatic and unsatisying . as i walked out i wondered who the target audience might be for this film . the best i could come up with is pre-teen age boys , but in this media saturated era , this film's components would have been old hat even for them . i have to think what attracted such talent to this film was the lure of making a good , modern day b-movie . the key to such a venture is a certain depth and sincerity towards the material . i felt no such earnestness . some movies ask you to leave your brain at the door , some movies ask you to believe in the impossible to really have a good time . playing god asks just one simple , eensy , teensy thing so it can fully entertain you , it's accomplished in just four easy to follow steps : crack open your skull , scoop out your brain , squish it under your foot several times and reverse steps two and one . congratulations , you now have all the necessary requirements to fully enjoy a whole lot of nothing . some movies fail at the box office but you manage to see why the producers thought it could have been a good movie , others are simply good ideas that are badly executed . then there's playing god , which enters the esteemed category of movies which seem to have grown from the union of a drunk director , actors satisfied in the knowledge that this horrible flick will have no lasting impact on their careers and a bunch of rip-offs ( or homages as they like to call it ) from other , better movies that end up looking like an unflushed toilet . harsh ? maybe . justified ? hell yes ! this is a movie that is not just satisfied in ripping off other movies but feels the need to remind us of that fact every ten minutes . for example , a gunman bursts into a garden with the two guns in his hands firing away . this does look moderately kool , but the camera lingers on the actor for so long you can almost hear the director yelling : " oooh , look look ! john woo ! two guns blazing ! slooooow motion ! " and if that wasn't enough , you can also hear the script grunting under the effort it must take to try and make every single line of dialogue sound like something deep and meaningful like in a tarantino movie . poor timothy hutton gets to deliver most of the corny lines , you have to admire the effort he puts into it , this guy deserves better . unlike most movies this one does not suffer from " stupid bad guy " syndrome , just to make things a little different this time we get stupid heroes . example : duchovny manages to distract a bad guy by making him go into the bathroom to get some bandages . now the bad guy is , like , stoned , man , so he leaves his shotgun next to our hero . ( term used as loosely as possible ) survival instincts and a good dose of common sense seems to suggest grabbing the shotgun , which our hero does , but only after contemplating it for about thirty seconds . even when he does grab it he seems unsure how to hold it , going so far as to actually wonder if he should place a finger near the trigger . mind you , i've never fired a shotgun in my life but believe you me that the bad guy would be missing most of his vital organs , be he stoned or not . some will argue that our hero does not have a killer instinct , the hell with that ! two fbi guys have just been shot in front me , along with one bad guy and the other looks like he might go ballistic at any second . solution ? boom ! i'll take the time to feel sorry about it later thank you very much . another prime example of the idiot hero syndrome : our boy duchovny needs to reach his girl before something bad happens to her . he knows the head bad guy has her on the tenth floor of a building and that he might be running into a room full of people with itchy trigger fingers . he still has his shotgun , bring it along you say ? no thanks , i'll just ditch it in the back of my car . and the real kicker is this : when he reaches the room and people start shooting at him he has the nerve to look surprised ! while we are on the subject of getting shot , why in hades were those fbi guys sitting with their backs to the door ? i've got no formal training but even i know you never sit with your back to the door . ask mr . wild bill , the first and only time he did not sit with his back to a wall cost him his life . this is the major problem with this movie , any mook could have thought of a hundred ways to make it better . is it so much to ask that hollywood actually put a little common sense into their characters ? for instance : our heroes hide at duchovny's summer home , now the bad guys could come knocking at any moment . ok , this time our hero does get himself a gun and has it at his side most of the time . but see , our hero is a drug addict and guess what ? he chooses now to go clean and suffer through dt . oh sure , he'll be really impressive when the bad guys come calling . going clean is really honorable of him , but i would have waited until i did not need to be conscious or being able to fire a gun . for an enjoyable performance by timothy hutton , plot holes the size of godzilla , getting our intelligence insulted and several " oh come on ! " moments . preposterous religious action film ( produced by the trinity broadcasting network ) about a code hidden within the text of the bible that when deciphered will lead to the end of the world ( nice of those bible authors to put a doomsday code into the most read book ever eh ? ) . michael york plays a millionaire diplomat who breaks the code and sets out to become god on earth and fulfill the doomsday prophecies , while casper van dien ( terribly miscast and giving an awful performance as a result ) plays the atheist motivational speaker who must stop him . michael ironside ( great as always , despite the silly film surrounding him ) plays a fallen priest and right hand man to michael york's character . here's some subtle character development you may have missed pertaining to ironside's character . now despite the fact that we see him murder a man in the opening scene , the filmmakers aren't quite sure if their audience will understand that he is evil . how do they fix that ? make specific efforts to show that his character is the only one in the film who smokes ! there are lots of ominous shots of michael ironside smoking . . . oooooo scary . but even that wasn't enough for the filmmakers apparently , as they later have to infer that ironside's character is gay ! it comes out of nowhere and just makes no sense . my main problem with this film is that , despite the silly story ( which could have been pulled off . . . anything can be made believable if executed correctly ) , the events of the film aren't shown with any sense of urgency or importance . for example , at one point york's character is declared chancellor of the world or something , and we see one brief , cheesy news report about it . the movie keeps telling us that the apocalypse is coming , but it never seems that way . there's no " world reaction " to anything . the omega code is available on dvd from goodtimes home video . it contains the film in the original theatrical aspect ratio of 1 . 85 : 1 , and includes the original theatrical trailer , a documentary on the making of the film , production notes , and cast and crew information . the documentary runs about 25 minutes and is actually surprisingly good ( it looks as though it was made for broadcast on tbn ) , and it does a comprehensive job of interviewing practically everyone in the cast and crew ( with the exception of michael ironside , unfortunately ) . the best thing about it is that whenever crew members are interviewed , they do an excellent job of explaining their profession and exactly what it is they do on a movie set . most documentaries tend to overlook this . doomsday expert hal lindsey is even interviewed ( you'll remember his documentary from the 1970's called the late great planet earth , where lindsey speculated that jimmy carter might actually be the antichrist ) . however , at the very beginning of the documentary the producers of the film managed to get on my bad side . when interviewed they actually have the nerve to say " ever see raiders of the lost ark ? well , our film is like that ! " no it isn't . not by a long shot . [pg-13] " america's sweethearts " has an intriguing premise and a great cast , but it isn't nearly as edgy or funny as it should be . almost all the problems with the project can be traced back to co-script writer billy crystal , who shows the same lack of discipline with the screenplay that he typically displays while co-hosting " comic relief " charity shows with robin williams and whoopi goldberg ( two other paragons of self-indulgence ) . crystal ignores a simple , but crucial , rule : for a screwball comedy to work , the characters must be placed into a rigid social setting , because only in that context will their unorthodox antics be humorous . " america's sweethearts " takes place at a press junket , where decorum must be maintained in front of the reporters . it's a promising set-up , but the screenplay quickly blows off the rules , thus dissipating the tension of the situation . by the end of the film , all the lead performers participate in a huge fight with a room full of journalists looking on , but their outbursts are only mildly amusing because the structure has been destroyed . john cusack and catherine zeta-jones play eddie thomas and gwen harrison , a beloved acting duo whose marriage hit the skids when gwen began seeing hector ( hank azaria ) , a spanish actor with an ego almost as pronounced as his lisp . of the last nine films eddie and gwen made together , six crossed the $100 million mark , but the prospects for their final effort , a space opus titled " time over time , " are far from rosy . while eddie has spent many months in a new age rest clinic fretting over the breakup , gwen's solo films have tanked . to make matter worse , the director of the movie ( christopher walken ) , a " visionary " who purchased the unabomber's cabin and had it moved to his backyard , is withholding the film from the studio , insisting that the first screening be held at the junket . desperate to win over the press , the studio elects to hire lee ( billy crystal ) , a recently fired publicist , to salvage the situation . lee hopes to turn lemons into lemonade by convincing eddie and gwen to pretend to be on the road to reconciliation . he enlists the help of kiki ( julia roberts ) , gwen's sister , personal assistant and whipping girl . what lee doesn't know is that kiki is in love with eddie , a fact that could temper her effectiveness . press junkets are a haven for control freaks . studios fly journalists in from around the world and put them up in a plush hotel , with food and drink always at hand . generally , on the evening of their arrival , writers are bussed to see the featured film , then ferreted straight back to the hotel . the next day , writers go to the studio suites and assemble in groups of five or six for roundtable interviews . every 30 minutes or so , a producer , director , writer or actor is brought into the room for a few minutes of questions , with a publicist hovering in the corner to keep an eye on things . the atmosphere is one of cordial oppression ? writers are free to ask what they want , but understand that if the studio dislikes a question , they may not be invited to future junkets . representatives from tv stations face even more restrictions . they get roughly five minutes to interview each member of the cast and crew , with the studio filming the exchanges . the " reporters " are notorious for tossing softball questions as they suck up to the stars , but to play it safe , the studios stand ready to erase the tapes if anything unpleasant occurs . placing two spoiled actors in a setting where image is everything is inspired , but the screenplay undermines the conceit . the junket is moved from the handsome , but highly confining , four seasons hotel to a plush resort near las vegas . for most of the film , the movie stars run around the sprawling grounds , completely safe from the eyes of the press . when they do deal with journalists , the " it is imperative that you be on your best behavior in front of the reporters " premise is de-clawed . gwen and eddie insult each other while the tv cameras roll , they scream at each other in a restaurant filled with the media and , at the screening of the movie , everyone connected with the film goes nuts , all without any repercussions . lee certainly isn't bothered by any of the infantile outbursts ; in fact , he makes arrangements for footage of even more inappropriate behavior to be delivered to the tabloids . is the studio angry about his handling of the combative actors ? hell no ? they feel lee is a genius for garnering so much publicity for the movie . all of which underscores how billy crystal and co-writer peter tolan screwed up their own premise : the comedy in " america's sweethearts " is based on barely-in-control people trying to contain themselves in the presence of reporters , except that it doesn't matter because any publicity is good publicity . and thus the very set-up for the film implodes , leaving smoke and dust in place of laughter . so what about the cast ? julia roberts , at her best playing the underdog , is utterly charming here , although i could have lived without flashbacks that exist solely as an excuse to show her in a fat suit ( and not a very convincing one , by the way ) . catherine zeta-jones makes a believable brat and john cusack fleshes out his obsessed character enough to make him vaguely sympathetic . by casting himself as the publicist , billy crystal allows himself to do roughly the same thing he does on " comic relief " - stay on the sidelines of the action while tossing off cornball jokes and snarky remarks . in supporting roles , hank azaria wears out his welcome fast with broad gestures and a spanish accent that speedy gonzales would have deemed " too broad . " seth green is amusing as a toadie , stanley tucci is very good as a ruthless studio head and christopher walken plays the eccentric director with suitable flair , though he has little to work with . come to think of it , " little to work with " is the operative phrase for this movie . as a hollywood satire , " america's sweethearts " is toothless . as a romance , it is at best a minor pleasure . such a good cast , such a waste of their efforts . had it not been taken long ago , a better title for the film would have been " much ado about nothing . " do the folks at disney have no common decency ? they have resurrected yet another cartoon and turned it into a live action hodgepodge of expensive special effects , embarrassing writing and kid-friendly slapstick . wasn't mr . magoo enough , people ? obviously not . inspector gadget is not what i would call ideal family entertainment . younger viewers will likely be taken in by the abounding goofiness , but their adult companions may feel a wave of nausea sweeping over them as they attempt to endure this appalling 80-minute exercise in glaring stupidity . the movie is poorly edited , grossly manipulative , and the finished product resembles somewhat of a failed jigsaw puzzle . all the elements are there , but the manner in which director david kellogg pieces them together is laughable and trite . as a huge fan of the 80's animated tv show , the first thing i must express is my anger toward the treatment of the main villain . in the cartoon , dr . claw was a frightening , raspy-voiced presence who remained a total mystery to the viewer . we never saw his face ; he simply sat back in his arm-chair , watching surveillance cameras and gently stroking his loyal cat . as a child , i always imagined what dr . claw would appear as - and this curiosity kept me watching for many years . with the release of the live-action movie , the face of this once intriguing villain has been unrightfully exposed - it's . . . rupert everett ? ! only now , dr . claw is simply known as claw ( `one word , ' he explains , `like madonna' ) . he sports a shiny clamp instead of the steel glove , and seems far less interesting than the animated version . it helps that the dashing everett is enthusiastic , but he overplays the role entirely too far . when all is said and done , this wasn't a very wise move on the part of the screenwriters - the infamous dr . claw has been turned into a wisecracking game show host who makes cheap attempts at being suave and cool . he does still have his cat , though . in the title role , matthew broderick looks lost . the actor , while usually downright charming , doesn't know exactly where to take his character - a fault that again can be blamed on the hapless writers . broderick first plays a friendly , naive security guard named john brown , who dreams of becoming a cop and upholding the law for the good of the people . he has a mad crush on pretty scientist brenda ( joely fisher ) , who has stumbled upon a new wave of technology involving the interaction of human tissue and electronics . but one fateful night , her lab is destroyed and her experiment is stolen by a fiendish millionaire ( everett ) who wants to take over the world . john courageously pursues the limousine from the scene of the crime , but loses the chase when his vehicle bursts into flames . in a full body cast , he is chosen to be the first human prototype for brenda's work ; a revolutionary crime fighting tool with numerous fancy gadgets to dispatch bad guys . and so is born inspector gadget . as bad as this movie is , it does have a certain charm in isolated scenes . broderick actually fares better playing robo gadget , an evil and destructive clone that claw has set loose on the city . and there are about two or three amusing punch lines , the funniest being when robo gadget impersonates a rampaging monster with shadow puppets on a brick wall , and a japanese man flees the scene while screaming , `this is why i left tokyo ! ' alas , the hit ratio of the ongoing gags is about 20 to 1 in favor of not even cracking a slight giggle . there are so many tired plot additions . gadget's talking car ( voiced by d . l . hughley ) is the same type of character as zoot the suit from my favorite martian . both are wisecracking , non-human additions designed to coax laughter from smaller children . well , it just doesn't work ( in fact , zoot functioned marvelously in comparison to this ) . and don't even get me started about the villains . i didn't mind everett's performance , but his bumbling assistants will make every adult cringe with disgust . the characters from the cartoon have been reduced to thankless supporting roles . penny ( michelle trachtenberg ) and brain the dog now have little to do with the action , and chief quimby ( dabney coleman ) has lost considerable appeal in the transition of animation to live action . the special effects are everywhere , but not so annoying they will cause your eyes to peel over . the problem here lies solely in the script . perhaps the next time disney attempts a remake like this , they will invest more in the screenplay than the fancy-schmancy visuals . here is one critic crossing his fingers , anyway . if you haven't plunked down your hard-earned money yet for " wild wild west , " the latest summer holiday offering from will smith , let me say right now that your money will be better spent on a starbuck's frappacino or on a ben & jerry's sundae . these treats are great relief from the summer heat . in contrast , this film made me simmer in disappointment . i can accept the fact that summer movies tend to put more weight into special effects and that good stories and flavorful characters usually take a back seat . this was true of star wars episode i , but at least in that film , the story and the characters were still in the back seat . in this film , they are no where to be found . what remains are hundreds of male extras costumed as gunslingers and foppish aristocrats , lots of female extras who look like can-can dancers , and a clunky , 80-foot tall instrument of destruction that resembles a mechanical tarantula . two men are asked to stop this threat . one is artemus gordon ( kevin kline ) , an inventor who uses his intellect and array of disguises to best his opponents . among his creations are false breasts and the bulletproof vest . the other man is jim west ( will smith ) , who prefers the shoot-first-then-shoot-some-more method of investigating . although their individual talents must be combined to achieve success , their interaction with one another merely seemed like a second rate , two-man vaudevillian act . for example , there is a scene where west , being more debonair than the reserved gordon , notes that the fake breasts should be filled with water rather than buckwheat , which is what it is currently filled with . " now touch my breast , " west says . gordon does so and then softly coos his approval . i found myself groaning at this kind of silliness . the script fails to generate any sense of drama , humor , or fun for that matter . i did enjoy kline's reserved performance , but was surprised at how much latitude they gave to smith . could it be that will smith is just so bankable that he's not even required to act ? it was as if the director was yelling " will smith , do your own thing . . . and action ! " here's an example . in this scene , will smith is about to be hanged by a group of angry white people . he must endear himself to the crowd to escape . the director yells , " will smith , do your own thing . . . and action ! " in another scene , he has to masquerade as a belly dancer in order to save his comrades . " will smith , do your own thing . . . and action ! " worse still , the final battle scene aboard the mechanical tarantula is a horrid mess . there are cogs spinning and pulleys pulling and levers going up and down everywhere you look . there's actually a lot of imagination at work in this film . there are some genuinely clever inventions and gizmos introduced , but all of this imagination is wasted in a film that is visually cluttered and dramatically flat . and that's too bad because if there was more focus on the story rather than will smith just doing his 'thing , ' this film might have been palatable . as it turns out , " wild wild west " is the wild , wild worst and receives my vote for biggest disappointment of the year . synopsis : two con artists find the perfect patsy in harry ( woody harrelson ) - - an inept former journalist who trips and bumps his head into a post , tries to slap a girl and gets poked in the eye , has ill-timed fits of coughing , and fails at everything he does . the story is told from harry's point of view . harry always carries around a shot of whiskey although he swears he doesn't drink . one day harry is approached by the con girl rhea ( elisabeth shue ) , who is similar to harry in that she carries around a cigarette but swears she doesn't smoke . seduced , harry agrees to participate in a money-making scheme involving faking the kidnapping of odette ( chloe sevigny ) , the teenage daughter of a rich man . turns out , it's all part of a needless , very puzzling , extremely elaborate and convoluted scheme ( it involves hiring special impersonators ) by two cons in order to fool harry , a hero who barely has the intellectual capacity of a wooden post . when the 'kidnapped' odette is found dead , the clues point to harry as the kidnapper/murderer , and the police are hot on harry's trail . harry suddenly realizes he has been framed while others have taken the ransom money . can he get out of this mess ? opinion : palmetto is a long , uninteresting film with all the wrong feel . hero harry is an inept bungler who trips up often and consistently overestimates his own intelligence . this farcical kind of character works best in an entertaining naked gun action comedy or dragnet spoof . but palmetto is played like a dark , serious , detective noir drama , and watching harry's bumbling confidence amounts to an irritating distraction . there's a lapse in concentration in the middle of the movie as the camera goes wild on breasts , buttocks , short skirts , colored painted nails , and women's legs . even when the focus is supposedly on harry and his dilema , you can always notice the side of elizabeth shue's breast forming a prominent foreground . towards the end , palmetto re-focuses on plot for the grand finale - - a confusing explanation involving impersonators , with woody harrelson handcuffed and suspended over a tub of acid as he hears the criminals' confession . if you can imagine 'shemp' from the three stooges playing the detective hero of an hbo 'lingerie suspense' thriller , that's how out of synch this movie feels . starring arnold schwarzenegger ; danny devito ; emma thompson & frank langella the only thing that you can say about junior is that it is a disappointment , and a big one at that . junior brings together arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito with director ivan reitman . these are the same men that brought us the very funny twins . so foolish me , i was hoping for something that would at least come close to the level of quality of twins . so much for hopes . schwarzenegger and devito play two scientists ( doctors hesse and arbogast ) who are working on a new drug that will reduce the possibility of miscarriage in pregnancy . unfortunately , due to circumstances beyond their control , they are denied permission to test this new drug on humans , and subsequently lose their funding . still believing that their drug will work , they decide to test it anyway , on hesse . so , dr . hesse ( schwarzenegger ) artificially inseminates himself and begins taking the drug . their theory is that if the drug can prevent a man from miscarrying , surely it will work on a woman . does the thought of arnold schwarzenegger pregnant sound funny or humorous to you ? well , it must have to the producers of junior . admittedly , schwarzenegger has the comedic talent to pull it off . perhaps if it had been done differently it might have actually been funny . but it wasn't , schwarzenegger pregnant is goofy at best . the sight of schwarzenegger running around going through the hormone imbalances that come with pregnancy , and the accompanying emotional swings , is not funny . schwarzenegger comes very close to embarrassing himself with these antics . i kept thinking to myself , with the time arnold wasted making this turkey he could have been making an action picture . better yet , with schwarzenegger , devito and reitman all in the same place at the same time , why didn't they make a sequel to twins ? anything would have been better than this mess . danny devito is wasted in this movie . his part could have been played by any joker they pulled in off the street . ( after seeing the movie , if i was devito , i probably would have wished they had pulled someone in off the street . ) emma thompson is wasted here as well . while thompson is best known for her jane austin adaptations , she is also a fine comedian . too bad she didn't get to use any of that talent here . am i being too hard on this film ? i don't think so . schwarzenegger and devito are two of my favorite actors in film today , and ivan reitman is one of the more talented directors in hollywood . with a supporting cast of emma thompson and frank langella , the filmmakers really have to be trying hard to make a bad film . they certainly managed here . maybe it was well intentioned , but unfortunately this is a movie that never should have been made . if you are tempted to see this film , do yourself a favor and go rent twins , a film that truly takes advantage of arnold schwarzenegger and danny devito's comedic talents . there are scenes in " the big hit " that are so awful , they simply defy description . the movie is infected with the same kind of blunderheaded idiocy and misplaced confidence that made " last action hero " ( 1993 ) such a chore to sit through . presumably , " the big hit " is an action-comedy , a difficult but not impossible genre to pull off . movies of this sort require a fine balance and careful tone , and the comedy is usually meant to work as catharsis for the violence . " lethal weapon 2 " ( 1989 ) is a perfect example of an action thriller that was also very , very funny . unfortunately , in " the big hit , " it seems that comedy is the main motive , and the violence is only intended to punctuate the laughs . unfortunately , there are no laughs . the movie resembles some of the goofy , throwaway ridiculousness of early jackie chan films , but it doesn't benefit from chan's incredible stunts and goofy , charismatic presence . instead , we are left with a lot of digital effects and mark wahlberg , who must have considered himself invincible after his critically-acclaimed performance in last year's " boogie nights . " however , if he wants to maintain a decent career , he had better start selecting his projects more carefully - movies like this are a sure-fire recipe for a long career in the straight-to-video market . wahlberg plays melvin smiley , an amiable guy who also happens to be a professional hitman ( see " grosse pointe blank " for the same character , much better developed ) . the movie wants us to think , " gee how clever and ironic - a guy who can kill without any moral implications , and yet he can't stand for anyone not to like him . " the fact is , melvin is so desperate to keep people from not liking him , that he puts up with both an obnoxious fiancee ( christina applegate , with a horrendous new york accent ) and an abusive girlfriend ( lela rochon ) who is only using him for his money . his constant bending over backwards to please people makes him a complete patsy at best , and a thoroughly unbelievable character at worst . melvin is employed exclusively by a crime boss named paris ( avery brooks ) as part of a team of hitmen , which also includes cisco ( lou diamond phillips ) and crunch ( bokeem woodbine ) . one day , melvin agrees to do some moonlighting with cisco by kidnapping the teenage daughter of a rich japanese mogul named jiro nishi ( sab shimono ) for a million dollar ransom . however , not only has jiro nishi lost all his money producing a big hollywood movie ( inside joke , get it ? ) , but his kidnapped daughter , keiko ( china chow ) , also happens to be paris' goddaughter . so , when paris finds out she's been kidnapped , he takes it personally and becomes determined to find out who did it . not knowing the cisco is actually behind the whole scheme , paris puts him in charge of rooting out the kidnapper . of course cisco blames the whole thing on poor , innocent melvin . along the way , there are several obligatory gunfights , explosions , and car chases , plus a literal cliffhanger inspired by " jurassic park , " and a completely unconvincing romance between melvin and keiko ( who looks like she's barely pushing fifteen ) . what the movie passes off as humor resorts to thoroughly unfunny jokes about overweight jewish mothers , hara-kiri , drinking problems , leaking body bags , and a running gag about how crunch has recently discovered the pleasures of masturbation , and now spends all his time doing hand exercises . not to mention the pimply video store clerk who is always calling melvin and screeching about how he needs to return his copy of " king kong lives , " which is two weeks overdue . this mess of a movie was helmed by che-kirk wong , the latest hong kong director imported by john woo ( " face/off " ) , who also served as executive producer . woo needs to stop acting as a conduit for other directors , and start making more of his own films . wong , who directed such films as " rock'n'roll cop " back in hong kong , is completely tone deaf when it comes to comedy . maybe jokes about vexatious video clerks and vomiting on other people are funny across the ocean , but they're not here , at least in the manner wong handles them . many of the problems can be traced back to the script , which was penned by obvious freshman writer ben ramsey . in addition to his vague characterizations and uninspired action sequences , ramsey's script assaults the audience with his attempts to copy the vulgar , poetic rhythms of tarantino or mamet-style dialogue . what he comes out with is just a lot of annoying blather , most of which spews from the lips of lou diamond phillips ( whose favorite phrase is " it's all love " ) and robin dunne , who plays cisco's stuttering , black-wannabe assistant . the irritation factor of phillips and dunne combined is almost off the scale , which can pretty much describe the film as a whole . well i guess it's that time of the year again . the one time of the year where movie craftors are exonerated from the need to even * try * writing a script that has more dialogue than explosions . it's also the best time for the handful of existing bigtime hollywood mr action heroes to dust off their miniscule vocabularies , pull on their black vests and charge onto our screens tersely expirating what they hope will become memorable catchphrases . in america they call this time " summer " and it happens once every year . and maybe it's the exposure to all that nasty sun that does it , but in the process normally weak , insipid lines like " consider this a divorce , " " hasta la vista , baby , " and " you're the disease . i'm the cure " actually do end up being repeated more often then the phrases from my book of biblical proverbs . this is not entirely a bad thing , of course . what am i talking about ? i'm talking about the summer " blockbusters , " the " action thrillers , " the " this-obviously-cost-a-lot-so-you-know- everyone's-going-to-go " explosions , gas threats , flying saucers , and special effects . in the rash of " my , what big guns you have , but wait ! mine are bigger " movies , there are also the usual boy-meets-fish-and-saves-environment movies ( or whale , whatever ) , and * this * year , the odd crop of " save-the-world-from-aliens-or-environment- threats " offerings . i'm talking about the three batmans , the speeds , the terminators , etc . this year i'm talking about twister , independence day , the arrival , the rock , mission : impossible , and of course , eraser . here in singapore , as our local movie critics like to whine , we seem to get the pick of the crop of " my explosion is more real-looking than yours " movies , but nothing else . mission : impossible opened in our theatres almost as soon as it did in the us . the same goes for eraser , which is unfortunate for arnold schwarzenegger because coming so soon after what time magazine recently called " mission : unavoidable " ( on account of its worldwide mega-advertising blitz ) , eraser seems like a cheaper , less thoughtful imitation . that's saying a lot , because mi the movie was already a cheap , thoughtless imitation of its tv originator of the '60s/'70s . in eraser , arnie is a us federal marshall who relocates trial witnesses whose testimonies place their lives in danger . he does this by destroying all evidence of their present existence and re-situating them with new identities . his new case is lee cullen , played by vanessa williams who , unlike all the other scumbags he's ever relocated , is " an actual , real life honest person . " because she's so good , and has such nice legs , arnold spends the whole movie trying to protect her , and only uses the opening movie sequence to save robert pastorelli from * his * killers . lee obtains evidence that the high-technology weapons company she works for is secretly selling sophisticated , black-market arms to people with foreign accents and stringy hair . of course , as the formula goes , her revealing this information will destroy the system as we know it because heck , there are people in high places who will go down with this , because yes , this is the biggest conspiracy in the history of the world ( that is , america ) since watergate . in protecting lee , arnold is framed by the mentor-turned-evil robert deguerin , nicely played by james caan , and ends up having to prove that he isn't the one killing the programme's witnesses in addition to making sure lee isn't accidentally torpedo-ed to death by the new , green guns his enemies all have . it's around this time that people in the theatre with me starting humming the mission : impossible theme , because arnie's mission includes breaking into a high-security building to run a disk . i guess i should tell you more about the particular gun everyone in this movie is so antsy about . it's an electro-magnetic pulse gun thing which fires aluminium missiles , and which can see through walls . it has some sort of x-ray vision , so its user can target the victim's heart even from great distances . despite this , which i figure is a pretty cool feature in a gun ( though i'm certainly no expert ) , however , arnold , whose own heart is targeted a number of times , * never * goes flying 10 feet backwards with a two-foot missile through his chest like all the others who get shot by this gun . instead he outruns and outsmarts his trackers each time , giving eery and ironic resonance to that terminator line that practically made him famous : " i'll be back . " like everyone else in the theater , i left the movie feeling that the trailers had duped me , because they made me want to watch this movie voluntarily . although there is a * lot * of violence in this movie , not to mention mutilation and some bloody tussles with alligators , i recommend this movie to most over-18s who need some therapeutic mindless action to get over the weirdness of fargo or the hangover effect of leaving las vegas . review's rating system : * wait for the video . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . the rapid-fire formula that worked so well in airplane ! , the " police squad ! " television series , top secret ! , three naked gun films , and two hot shots ! movies has finally reached a desperate dead-end with spy hard . even ezio gregio's the silence of the hams is arguably funnier than this over-extended spy- and action-movie spoof . leslie nielsen stars as secret agent wd-40 , who returns from retirement to battle his old nemesis , general rancor ( a cackling andy griffith ) . the jokes fly in every direction and with hardly a hint of restraint , timing , or tact . most the movie is comprised of recycled airplane and naked gun gags , recreated movie sequences , and soggy star cameos . yeah , maybe we * do * need ray charles driving an l . a . bus bound for a speed bump , but did mr . t , hulk hogan , and dr . joyce brothers also have to appear in the same movie ? leslie nielsen plays it straight with his usual dopey flair . there is something oddly inspiring about the sight of nielsen wearing a nun's habit , even the resulting sister act spoof is silly . as are the bits directly lifted from home alone , pulp fiction , true lies , etc . etc . ( adolescent males might enjoy this mess , tho . the butt shots , breast peeks , penis pokes , flatulence gags , and related innuendo are right up beavis and butthead's alley . ) beyond the hilarious title sequence with " weird " al yankovich performing the theme song , spy hard is barely the stock that it's printed on . my recommendation : duck in while you're waiting for another movie to start . stay long enough to see the camera dart inside of weird al's nostril and then leave . you won't miss a thing . tim burton has now completed his evolution from the brilliant director of macabre stories about outcast individuals yearning for acceptance , and into a studio monkey whose name is used as part of multi-tiered marketing materials for crap movies . and here he hits rock bottom , with planet of the apes . i didn't expect much from this latest " interpretation " of pierre boulle's classic novel planet of the apes . i mean , how could you top the force and impact of the original film , intelligently co-scripted by rod serling ( of twilight zone fame ) combined with the overbearing chuck heston growling and yelling at those " damn dirty apes , " in one of his best roles of his career ? sadly , i sat down to watch burton's version of planet of the apes and within the first 20 minutes , i was checking my watch and my girlfriend ( a big fan of the original film ) started to nod off . this time around , the story plays out like a cross between enemy mine , braveheart , and project x . marky mark wahlberg , who was enjoyable in boogie nights and the corrupter , plays leo davidson , a hot shot u . s . air force pilot . leo and his crew are in search of some mysterious magnetic storms ( no real explanation given in the film ) and leo sends one of his genetically altered " smart " chimps into the storms to collect data . leo and his crew lose communication with the chimp , leo hops in another ship to find the monkey , and then he's thrown through some type of time-space wormhole which crashes lands on the twentieth century fox studio backlot , all mocked up to look like the amazon jungle . leo ends up getting captured by a group of talking apes and is sold to a slave trader named limbo ( paul giamatti ) who in turn sells leo to a chimpanzee named ari ( helena bonham carter ) . the kind ari then helps leo and his fellow humans escape to the mountains to find leo's ship . along the way , monkeys played by tim roth ( overacting his role of a vicious general named thade ) and michael clarke duncan ( who further enhances his career by playing another heavy in a bad action movie ) strive out to hunt down leo and his band of human savages , just like battlefield earth ! in the end , it all culminates into another braveheart rip-off human versus ape battle scene . while rick baker's makeup work is amazing , the script is a pathetic hodgepodge ( courtesy of three writers ) , the acting is horrible , and the " surprise " ending feels like a swing from a ball-peen hammer into the temple . wahlberg does not have the physical or mental presence of a chuck heston to carry the film or any of its action sequences . this remake , or re-interpretation , as tim burton has proclaimed it , is an insult to the intelligence and wit of the original film . the ethical arguments about the equality of species , fascism , and military buildup have been replaced by tremendous amounts of ridiculous dialogue , an unimaginative narrative structure , and a romance between a monkey and a human . even chuck heston's anti-gun tirade ( in the de rigeur cameo ) seems shallow and jokey . but the main element missing from this tim burton film is tim burton . even though his name is plastered across every billboard in america , john badham could have directed this film . even joel schumacher could have directed this film . he probably should have . burton's predominant themes of rejection , isolation , and the search for one's place in the universe , as seen in ed wood , edward scissorshands , and pee-wee's big adventure , are completely absent in this planet . i suppose that's what happen when a great director gets sucked through a wormhole . the premise of this movie is , well , pretty far-fetched . tom berenger plays shale , a mercenary who is temporarily out of work ( those fools at the cia have denied his existence just because he and his buddies botched a job in cuba ) . fortunately , his girl friend ( diane venora ) , a teacher at christopher columbus high school in miami , gets her knee cap broken by a disgruntled student , creating a job opening for shale as a substitute teacher . not telling his girl friend , who might object on pedagogical grounds , he creates a number of fake higher degrees for himself ( from yale , harvard , princeton , et al ) and begins his tenure as a high school teacher . the students ( junkies , drug dealers , gang members , sleazy sluts , ice-pick wielders . . . you get the picture ) don't really take to him right away , so he hits one in the face with a can and breaks a few fingers . this gets their attention to a certain extent , so he tells them the story of the vietnam war : " see , some homeboys from the north tried to muscle in on the turf of the homeboys from the south . " oh yeah , now they can dig it ; the problem is just that nobody ever explained it properly before . but wait ! there are drugs being dealt in the school itself ! and behind the whole scheme , in cahoots with the head gang , the kod ( no , not " cod " , but " knights of destruction " . . . really ! ) , is none other than . . . the upright , ex-cop principal , played by the forgotten ghostbuster , ernie hudson ! so shale does what any good teacher would do . he gets his buddies together , they gather together a bunch of bazookas and other major weapons , explosives , and cool stuff like that , and they have a big showdown against the drug dealers and kod at the high school . ok , so the premise is not just far-fetched , it's downright dumb . if this were a hong kong action comedy , we might just accept it , but it takes itself far too seriously to be truly fun . oh , it has its moments ; how one can truly hate a movie in which huge ( really huge ) amounts of cocaine are delivered in school busses ? and to be fair , it is almost never really boring , as the action is interrupted by only short sequences of actual story . but over all , this is pretty much a made-for-tv movie with more ( and bigger ) explosions and more foul language . in fact , it reminded me of " miami vice " without the production values , babes in skimpy bikinis , and pastels . if you can sneak into the theater without paying , go for it . otherwise , wait for video . the flying inkpot rating system : * wait for the tv2 broadcast . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . chris tucker is one of those guys you immediately get a reaction from -- you either find his helium voice , crazy eyes and jerky mannerisms funny or annoying . i think i fall into the former category ( i'm one of the few who thought his turn in " the fifth element " as a prancing , prince-like deejay was complete inspired lunacy and not the least bit aggravating ) , but his new vehicle " money talks " just doesn't do him service . tucker is good in the movie -- and this is the kind of film that , if people see it , could make him a big star -- but he's also really the only thing good about the movie . in fact , if you see " money talks , " it should shock you beyond recognition that two of " toy story " 's writers penned the sloppy script . tucker's role here is that of franklin hatchett , a petty los angeles con artist whose carwash scams get him dogged by investigative reporter james russell ( charlie sheen ) . after being busted on the job for some illegal business involving counterfeit passports , franklin finds himself on a bus to the county jail and handcuffed to slick international jewel smuggler raymond villard ( gerard ismael ) . but villard's thugs blow up the bus in an attempt to free their leader ( never mind that the explosion could have instead killed him ) , and because he and franklin are joined at the wrist , franklin is allowed to escape as well , but not before overhearing some important information regarding a diamond stash that -- for some reason or another -- is being hidden in a vintage roadster waiting to be auctioned off at an upcoming auto expo . the local media mistakenly puts the prison break-out blame on franklin , which is where james comes back into the picture . he makes a deal to protect franklin if , in turn , franklin gives him an exclusive interview . this means james must present his new " friend " in the stickiest of situations -- a formal dinner party for he and fiancee grace ( heather locklear ) , also attended by her uber-rich parents ( veronica cartwright and nicely game paul sorvino ) . and of course the bad guys track franklin down and try to knock him off , all the while he spars and forms an unlikely bond with james . " this ain't no buddy movie , " claim the print ads . yeah , right . actually , for the better part of , oh , 20 minutes , it appears " money talks " has the momentum to cover entertaining ground , and this is mostly due to the presence of spastic motormouth tucker . this is tucker's first leading role , and if you imagine a slightly lankier , african-american jim carrey with a reliance on wild r-rated raunch rather than pg-13 physical comedy , you have a good idea of the conviction with which he assaults the role . but you realize all too quickly that tucker's overstated liveliness is the only thing " money talks " has going for it . and a lively actor alone does not a successful movie make . it's all too easy to pick out everything wrong with " money talks . " the plot is recycled buddy-buddy comedy-thriller tripe that seemed overused even when " nothing to lose " employed it last month . everything is paint-by-numbers , especially the los angeles coliseum finale , which finds not one , not two , but three separate enemy factions firing at franklin as they pursue him through the bleachers . the villains , as many as there are , are dull . certain story elements are too coincidental . and too much of the film's dramatic agenda is played too straight . a scene where grace confronts james after learning franklin's true identity ( " you brought a killer into my parents' house ! " ) is extremely silly . you get the picture . obviously , i did not have a pleasant experience at " money talks . " but the people around me appeared to be having a rip-roaring good time ( one gentleman several rows behind me chortled with such expressive conviction i began fearing for his health ) . but tucker , at least for me , is a pretty funny guy , and aces the movie's best scene , where franklin passes himself off as vic damone's son at james and grace's engagement bash and toasts the couple with barry white lyrics . tucker's audience -- and he does have one -- will probably like " money talks . " those who he irritates , however , will have a more productive day staying home and scraping the gook out from under their toenails . " soldier " , by director paul anderson , is a film in which any presence of originality is fleeting . the best moments of the film are in the opning scenes where kurt russel's character todd is shown growing up under strict military supervision . brutality through the eyes of the innocent and stripped of it every single day growing up is something that has a lot of emotional potential power behind it , and the opening scenes tap into it a little . then it goes nowhere with that idea . there is perhaps one rather fleeting scene afterwards that deals with the potential trauma of this dehumanization , and the rest of the film is just some of the biggest action movie cliches i've ever seen . the whole idea of the inhuman , soldier-type character gaining some degree of humanity by defending a potential female love interest and family from his evil counterpart out to kill her is done , and it's been done much better . i was able to predict the plot of the _whole_ story , which wouldn't be so bad if other aspect of the film somewhat interesting . between the action sequences , it tries to deal with the aforementioned issues of humanity through the performance of mr . russel in the film and the tiny little window to his soul that is his eyes , since his dialog is extremely limited . his performance in that way isn't all that bad , but certainly is not enough to carry this film . other performances in this film are really not worth much mention at all , and they generally are about as weak as their characters . but enough of this stuff about plot and character , right ? isn't the most important part of an action film , well , the action ? even in this aspect the film is a disappointment . in mortal kombat ( 1995 ) , director paul anderson proved that truly engaging use and choreography of action in a film can override problems with plot and produce something entertaining . however , he fails to repeat that in this film . the combat scenes , particularly the big one at the end , is incredibly unimaginatve . fighting and combat scenes are supposed to bring about thrills in this type of movie , a point which even an otherwise unimpressive film like starship troopers seemed to realize . but instead of reaching for something truly interesting to end the film with , it goes for the old , shoot-em up , one guy vs . an army type of cinema that i thought died with the military action films of the 80s . if the film went with some of the ideas it opened up with the introduction more seriously , it could have been a rather engaging science fiction film . however , it utterly failed to go in any new directions after that , making the film a big disappointment . the first scene of operation condor has jackie chan preparing for a secret mission . he attempts to pop a couple of pieces of chewing gum into his mouth , but misses . after they ricochet off his face , he says , " not a good start . " as it turns out , this line not only gives foreshadowing to the opening sequence , but to the rest of the movie as well . in this , the latest of the jackie chan movies to be released in america after first runs in hong kong , chan plays an international operative codenamed " condor " , and is tasked by the united nations with finding a stash of gold hidden at a secret base by the nazi's during their retreat across the saharan desert during the second world war . for some reason , condor is given his mission at the u . s . embassy in spain . i think this may have been done so that in a chase scene , they could honor the time old tradition of knocking over a fruit cart . watch for it in any chase scene set in a foreign country , most notably in europe . the chase will take itself through a marketplace , and a fruit cart will be overturned . it's almost a guarantee . anyway . . . . condor is given a key which is supposed to unlock a giant vault in which the gold is hidden ; the problem is that the key has insulators integrated into it , which may mean a booby trap might be electronically triggered if the key is used improperly . to help him figure out where the gold is hidden and how to use the key correctly , condor is accompanied by a desert expert ( carol cheng ) and the granddaughter of the captain who was in charge of hiding the gold ( eva cobo ) . there aren't supposed to be any relatives of the nazi captain living in spain , but condor finds the granddaughter by looking her up in the phone book or something . although these two women are supposed to be integral parts of the mission , they prove no help at all except to get in trouble and provide an excuse for chan to jump into his martial arts . in fact , most of the scenes are so ridiculously contrived that it seems everything is just a way to set up a fight . i suppose this isn't so bad , since chan's action is really the best part of the movie , and the only reason you go to see one of his films anyway . if you've never seen a jackie chan movie , don't expect a great plot , but do expect to be entertained by his moves . they are so well choreographed and often so amazing that you wonder if this guy is human . knowing that he does his own stunts , and knowing that this is the real stuff ( no computer-masked bungee cords here ) makes the action sequences all the more exciting . you've got to hand it to a guy who's probably broken every bone in his body for the sake of his art . also of note in this , as in any jackie chan movie , is the humor . as far as i know , none of his films take themselves too seriously , and even the dramatic parts have a certain tongue-in-cheek quality about them . what is almost masterful is the way that humor is even integrated into the fight scenes . unlike a martial arts film such as anything with jean claude van damme , where the fights get you on the visceral level , fight scenes in chan's movies are simply entertaining . you marvel at both his moves and at the way he employs them in such a way to make you laugh . unfortunately , even chan's mastery can't save this film . the plot and characters are so weak that they don't hold the movie together at all , and the acting is terrible . carol cheng has apparently won best actress honors at the hong kong movie awards in the past , but since operation condor is a dubbed movie it kind of takes all bets off . this , combined with an obviously low production value made we want to turn away from the screen until i heard those kicks start flying . cashing in on the success of white men can't jump and the failure of most of their solo vehicles ( including the cowboy way and drop zone ) , wesley snipes and woody harrelson have reteamed , hoping that they can strike up the same success . sadly , if this dismal , cliche ridden and mind-numbingly boring action pic is anything to go by , they haven't got a chance in hell of even coming close . this time out , the duo play foster brothers who are transit cops . following several run-ins with their tyrannical boss ( robert blake ) , who is obsessed with the " money train " --a train which carries all the subway's takings--and will let nothing stop it ( now * there's * an original plot device ) , harrelson's character decides to try and take off with the cash . along the way , both of them fall in love with the same woman--another transit cop who also hates her boss . this leads to the typical sibling rivalry crap that you usually find in a film of this standard ( 'you were always the better brother' etc . etc . etc . ) , and doesn't help to add anything to the film . given a better script , better performers in supporting roles and a shorter running time ( the film almost went for two hours--or did it just feel like it ? ) , this film might ( and i mean * might * ) have turned out okay , but as it is , it is stocked with the worst action film cliches , whose only purpose appears to be to pad the film out to its painfully long running time . robert blake , who plays the evil boss , has got to be the most pathetic bad guy in film history ! he sounds like wayne newton , and appears to think the best way to appear evil is to have your eyes bulging as though they are about to burst out of their sockets ! but this is only one of money train's problems . if you look at the script as if it was an action film , it lacks originality and suspense . but if you try to look at it as if it were a heist film , it is even worse . the final robbery sequence is almost trivialised and the characters definitely ain't butch and sundance . the film isn't all bad though . snipes and harrelson , when they aren't using the dumb cliches that the script gives them , make an agreeable duo , and some of the stunt-work is indeed excellent . but good stunt-work cannot save a bottom-of-the-barrel action movie . if you're a really undemanding action freak , there's a chance you'll like this . but if you're looking for something original , or suspenseful , try somewhere else--i doubt you'll find it here . girl 6 is , in a word , a mess . i was never able to determine what spike lee was trying to accomplish with this film . there was no sense of where the film was going , or any kind of coherent narrative . if there was a point to the film , i missed it . girl 6 , by the way , is the way theresa randle's character is addressed in the phone sex workplace ; all the girls are known by their numbers . the plot , such as it is : theresa randle is a struggling n . y . actress , and eventually takes a job as a phone-sex operator . she begins to lose contact with reality , as her job consumes her . also , she must deal with the advances of her ex-husband ( isiah washington ) . he is an ex- con thief , and she tries to keep him away , while at the same time , it's clear that she still harbors feelings for him . her neighbor , jimmy ( spike lee ) functions as the observer ; mediating between the ex- husband and girl 6 . he also functions as a point of stability , as he watches her become seduced by the lurid world of phone sex . the soundtrack , consisting of songs by prince , was jarring . it kept taking my attention from the film - not altogether a bad thing , i'll grant you , as what was transpiring onscreen wasn't that riveting . for parts of the middle of the film , the music stayed blissfully in the background . in the opening sequence and one scene later in the film , however , the music was particularly loud and distracting . of course , i've never really cared for prince's ( or tafkap if you like ) music . prince fans might love the soundtrack , but it will probably be distracting , even to die-hard fans . of the performances , the only one that stood out was spike lee's buddy character , jimmy . he was excellent as the always-broke neighbor of girl 6 . he should have stuck to acting in this film . there are several sequences that gave me the impression that he'd like to be oliver stone when he grows up . there are scenes shot with different types of film , which are purposely grainy , and reminiscent of some of the scenes in oliver stone's natural born killers . in that film , they worked to propel the narrative . in this film , they just made me more confused . there are some amusing moments , and a few insights into the lives of the women who use their voices to make the phone-sex industry the multi-billion dollar industry that it has become . other than that , though , nothing much happens . there are a few intense moments , as when one caller becomes frightening , but even that is rather lackluster . i'm not the biggest fan of spike lee , though i'd agree that he has done some very good work in the past . in girl 6 , though , he seems to be floundering . he had an interesting idea , a fairly good setup , and seemed to wander aimlessly from there . girl 6 earns a grade of d . back in 1980s , chuck norris used to be synonym for the action films . he couldn't , of course , top the success and fame of big action names like sylvester stallone or arnold schwarzenegger , but sheer quantity of his films guaranteed that he was household name among shoot'em up and beat'em up genre aficionados . that quantity was mostly provided by cannon group , prolific production company that dominated the b-movie market in previous decade by flooding it with cheap , formulaic and , more often than not , unwatchable genre products . the hitman , 1991 action thriller directed by chuck's brother aaron , is one of the last among them . chuck norris here plays seattle cop betrayed , shot and left for dead by his partner ( which shouldn't surprise anyone , considering the fact that the partner is being played by michael parks , specialised for roles of usually very mean characters ) . surviving the shooting , cop is pronounced dead and hired as deep undercover agent . he infiltrates the underworld circles in seattle and becomes their top hitman , using his abilities to start brutal war between three major crime organisations - italians , french canadians and iranians . since it is rather absurd to expect great acting ability from chuck norris , at least not in this kind of movie , the biggest attraction of this film should have been action . well , the action in this film falls flat - it is boring , repetitive and not at all exciting . it is nothing more than monotonous series of scenes that contains violence too brutal even for this type of films . we know very little about norris' character while , on the other hand , gangsters are portrayed with more human dimension . in the end we almost feel sorry for them , since they are shown totally powerless against norris and his unstoppable and bloody crusade . during the film , somebody obviously became aware of that problem , so the screenwriter introduced the subplot dealing with the black boy who gets adopted by norris . that caused another problem - any questions about nature of that relationship had to be quashed with another subplot - this one dealing with lady lawyer who sleeps with the hero and gets killed after fulfilling that screenplay obligation . the photography in this film is dark , setting is depressive and this forgettable piece of 1980s style cinema leaves viewers without any reason to justify the hour and half spent in watching it . as forgetful as some people may be it is doubtful that anyone could forget their wedding , especially three times . but , alas professor brainard somehow manages to accomplish this feat twice before the momentous night that he actually creates flubber . it's amazing that he is able to remember any of the processes he uses to make anything . the whole point here is how could a man be so blatantly forgetful . this is not absent minded this is almost mindless and he is a professor . well , this is the case for about the first half of the movie then things begin to settle into what might truly be considered absent minded . along the way to becoming absent minded from absent of mind the professor stumbles onto flubber . thankfully or there would be no movie or any amusement for the audience . the flubber is supposed to be flying rubber , but it seems to have a life of its own . this is there strictly for the kids . the properties of the flubber provide some antics for the audience when flubber coated golfballs and bowling balls assail two would be thugs . although amusing this is not original what so ever and brings back haunting memories of home alone . the poor professor has to save the university where he teaches at , get his fiancee back , finally stop the plotting of an evil millionaire , and do all this in the funniest way possible . admittedly there are funny moments but the movie is rather shallow and does not compare very well to the original ( the absent minded professor ) . the whole scene with the basketball game was just atrocious and totally unbelievable . the basketball players , stereotypically unqualified for the sport , somehow manage to bounce , fly and dribble their way back to being close to winning ? this just sounds too bad to be true , the least that could have been done was keep semi close to the original movie to give this film a chance . as for innovations and new ideas there is but two good ones in this movie . giving life to the flubber , which is so poorly executed that it's best forgotten , and prof . brainard's flying robot weebo . giving life to the flubber would have worked beautifully if it wasn't for scenes of the sort where you have the flubber dancing around on tables and books for no real reason other than to put in a bit of music and extend the length of the movie . the life of the flubber had brief and rather whimsical moments where it might have been used well , but it wasn't and in the end might have done the movie more harm than good . now , weebo is a totally different story . it's a robot that prof . brainard created but forgot how and gave something of a life too . this is a really original idea , well maybe not , but it is an idea that is well executed and in the end makes the poor robot the most developed and real character in the movie . yes folks the little yellow robot has more emotion and character than the characters . the film lacks the emotional punch to pull the audience in at all . the acting by robin williams ( prof . brainard ) seems to be half hearted for most of the movie and in many cases quite forced . most of the acting in the movie was so convincing as to fool only the part of the audience that had not quite yet reached the age to 12 . people when stood up at the altar , don't usually give third chances . or for that matter talk to the fiancee afterwards , but what can be expected this is a children's movie . flubber , as a movie does little original and is nothing special in any respect . with the best character in the movie being something of a prop i doubt that many people will find it all that great . it does have its amusing moments and it is a good story in the end , but it does not wash up to the original . kids should find this movie amusing and fun and they'll probably enjoy the whole movie . as a movie it's just a kids movie and not the best of ones at that . how do you judge a film that is so bad , but intentionally so ? in spiceworld , the highly popular singing group the spice girls accomplish their major goal : mocking themselves with a purposely cheezy film and having a lot of fun doing it . if that was their goal , they did a fantastic job . so is it fair to give it such a low grade when it wasn't really meant to be much better than this ? honestly , i'd rather see this film before many others i gave higher grades , so does that mean i graded it inaccurately ? truth be known , i don't really think i can answer this question . to understand spiceworld , you have to understand the spice girls . unless you're very * very * young , or fairly older , you probably have at least heard of them . they're a group of five busty british babes who've had #1 hit singles and whose debut album sold millions . they're primarily adored by pre-teen girls who hope someday the contents of their training bras might match those of ginger spice's ( real name : geri haliwell ) wonderbra . all five of the girls have these " spicy " names for which they are better known than their real names . there is the aforementioned ginger spice , as well as sporty spice ( melanie chisholm , or mel c . ) , scary spice ( melanie brown , or mel b . ) , baby spice ( emma bunton ) , and posh spice ( victoria addams ) , and all of them , to some degree or another , resemble their stage names . the spice girls took the world by storm , and spiceworld is actually a good- humored spoof of all that transpired during their quick rise to fame . it's quite nice to see what good sports the girls are ( and not just the one dubbed sporty ) about poking fun at themselves . they don't take themselves too seriously , and that's probably the best thing about them . it's also surprising how natural they seem in front of the camera * acting * , and not just singing and dancing . they're not flawless by any means , but for the most part , they deliver their lines without feeling staged , and , like them or not , we get the sense the five are very at home within their characters ( which seems reasonable since they portray themselves ) . what makes the film bad is that extreme fans of the spice girls won't get enough of their music , while the rest of us don't get enough of a movie . the real point of this is to look at the spice girls for over ninety straight minutes . most of the film is very blas ? , but several parts are downright boring , and then they have those sporadic moments that actually make us laugh out loud ! if you're a big fan of the group , you probably won't get enough of what you want , and if you're not a big fan , you get too much time devoted to nothing more than " look at us " moments . for the right crowd , the " music video " sequences will be the highlights of the film , but for others , they will serve as three-minute lulls in a hectic-but-overall-uneventful storyline . other key actors include richard e . grant as clifford , the spice girls' manager , alan cumming as the film-maker piers cutherton-smyth who attempts to make a documentary of the group , george wendt as martin barnfield , a producer who constantly works on pitching a spice girls movie , and roger moore in a small , self-parodizing role . all provide relatively good performances , keeping in mind once again that this film wasn't meant to be acted seriously . even meat loaf shows up as dennis the bus driver and seems to have fun with it . while this film is continuously compared to the beatles' a hard day's night , i think that is an unjust comparison . it is supposedly the movie studio that first mad the comparison by way of press kits , but i don't think drector bob spiers , nor the spice girls , intended it to be so . i think the studios were just trying to boost hype and interest in the film , and have instead , come off rather pretentious . i don't think this film is trying to be anything more than a fun , satirical look at a group that got so big , a movie seemed the next likely step . and what could've been better than a self-indulged yet self- mocking approach ? probably nothing , and so it is . spiceworld is a movie i thought would be embarrassing to enjoy , but now instead , i find myself wanting to defend a movie i didn't even give a good review . it's bad , but it succeeds in every way it intended . it gives the spice girls a chance to play while allowing all those obsessive fans out there to indulge in every brainless moment . perhaps the group is nothing more than a gimmick . if that's the case , the movie's gimmick is that it * is * such a gimmick ! you might be saying , " a spice girls movie ? come on ! " , but when it comes down to it , i think that's the point . we could paraphrase michelle pfieffer's character in dangerous minds and say that beyond rangoon starts with an " a . " that's fair enough . all movies , like all school children , should be given the benefit of the doubt . the chance to succeed . after all , we like to think that the right combination of talent and effort can do wonders . mountains can be moved , and good movies can be made . yeah right . children fail , as do films . as does director john boorman's latest . the success of beyond rangoon hinges on the believability of patricia arquette ( ed wood , true romance ) as the busty westerner-in-peril wandering about 1988 burma without a passport . though we can stomach the mild plot contrivances that get her there , it's a tougher task to overlook the actress . she's a lightweight . as the first scene ( with narration ! ) demonstrates , she doesn't have * nearly * enough range for the emotions that her character--a mother fleeing the memories of a murdered husband and son--is supposed to show . she may give a stronger performance than , say , keanu reeves in a walk in the clouds , by not by much . beyond rangoon is a very physically appealing film , thanks to the practiced craftsmanship of john boorman ( deliverance , excalibur , hope and glory ) . he keeps the narrative moving , no matter how muddy the story--or the heroine--gets . why he chose arquette remains a mystery , though . maybe he was thinking that the dramatic weight of the story would overcome any casting deficiencies . but even after an hour of half-stated political statements and murky mass killings , we * still * don't know enough of what's happening in this country to feel distressed for the characters or their situations . empty exoticism . the technical credits in beyond rangoon are a curious mix , combining lush jungle photography with bad blue-screen work . also odd is the obvious dubbing . done to make some of the foreign characters sound less foreign ? and , is it my mistake , or do the same extras keep reappearing as different soldiers ? ? doo doo doo doo . [ " twilight zone " theme , or opinion of movie . you be the judge . ] i think that saying that the x-files is one of this summer's most anticipated films is safe . for five years , " the x-files " television show has developed a dedicated fan culture , whose rabid devotion to the series rivals that of " star trek " fans . the premise of both the movie and the television series is two fbi agents who investigate the paranormal ; fox mulder ( david duchovny ) is the avid believer whose quest to find the truth about extraterrestrial life borders on the paranoid , and dana scully ( gillian anderson ) is the scientific skeptic trying to find a rational explanation to mulder's flights of fancy . outlining the plot of the x-files movie is virtually impossible , since to be general would result in confusion , yet to be specific would give too much away . nevertheless , i will try . " the black ooze , " and extraterrestrial , virus-like substance is threatening earth . a " shadow government " is aware of this , but tries to cover-up the alien existence . mulder and scully know " the truth is out there , " and so try to expose both the invasion and the cover-up . there are three central questions i have heard asked about this movie : 1 . will those who don't watch the series be able to understand the movie ? yes . isolated as an individual text , the x-files can stand alone . they have given enough background for anyone , familiar with the show or not , to understand the movie . although some of the secondary characters' histories may confuse the uninitiated , those characters are not essential to the film . this is a major problem : they trot out token secondary characters from the series out for an appearance and then disappear just as quickly . why bring superintendent skinner into the picture in the first place , and then have him sat silently on an fbi internal affairs committee ? why bring in " the lone gunmen , " three computer geek conspiracy theorists , for an even briefer appearance ? these characters are recurrent on the series , and their appearance in the film was met with whoops from the audience ( suggesting their popularity among fans - actually most of the audience could pass for " the lone gunmen " ) . still , then they vanish just as quickly . 2 . the television show never gives us any answers . will the movie actually explain some things ? yes . in the x-files we get a fairly complete history of " the black ooze , " what it is and what it wants . we finally get some understanding of the motivations behind the " shadow government . " there are even some subtle tie-ins with contemporary ufo-ology , including the " greys " and the roswell crash of 1947 . 3 . is the movie any good ? no . the x-files is a dreadful movie and shows some fundamental problems with writer/creator chris carter's talents and the relationship between cinema and television . first off , the screenplay by series creator chris carter is sloppy and cliched . after approximately forty-five minutes ( the length of a television episode minus the commercials ) , the pace drops to a snail's crawl . not long after that point , when carter attempts to answer some questions we have had about the series , we wish he had not . the explanations are so trite and ridiculous that one would have preferred it had carter not explained quite so much . i am willing to suspend my disbelief a fair bit , but the absurdity carter wants me to swallow was just too much . breaking the suspension of disbelief destroys the movie - and listening to other fans leave the cinema , maybe the series too . the explanations are not only absurd , they are tired and unoriginal . the extraterrestrials breed and gestate like those from the alien series , and their craft looks like a leftover set piece from independence day . note that the alien movies , id4 , and the x-files are all from 20thcentury fox - a studio that is beginning to cannibalize itself i think . the x-files is noteworthy for being the only movie based on a television series to be produced while the series was still running . in comparing the movie and television series certain aspects of the respective media emerge . the avoidance of the series to answer the questions it raised annoyed and frustrated many people . however , i rather liked that about the series . television allows you to impose as much , or as little , meaning on a show as you want . it is the proverbial " blank screen " which we project our minds on . meaning on television is open and ambiguous ; it is the nature of the medium . cinema , on the other hand , is the opposite . it projects onto us the filmmakers mind . we can , in some films , fill the textual gaps ourselves , but that almost never happens in an american film . meaning , in cinema , needs to be self-contained and determined . so , when the x-files made that jump from small to big screen , carter needed to take into consideration the differences in the medium as well . he did not . by making explicit , what the television show left implicit , carter reveals the limits of his creativity and skill . when they say that " fans " make a tv show , it is not far from the truth . on television , fan culture must impose its meanings on the text because there is nothing there . how true that is when we see the " explicit " x-files - there is nothing there . the following was printed in the st . john's express , st . john's , newfoundland , canada . all views are the authors , but copyright is held by robinson-blackmore , 1998 .   ; movie review by mikel j . koven   ; i think that saying that the x-files is one of this summer's most anticipated films is safe .   ; for five years , " the x-files " television show has developed a dedicated fan culture , whose rabid devotion to the series rivals that of " star trek " fans .   ; the premise of both the movie and the television series is two fbi agents who investigate the paranormal ; fox mulder ( david duchovny ) is the avid believer whose quest to find the truth about extraterrestrial life borders on the paranoid , and dana scully ( gillian anderson ) is the scientific skeptic trying to find a rational explanation to mulder's flights of fancy .   ; outlining the plot of the x-files movie is virtually impossible , since to be general would result in confusion , yet to be specific would give too much away .   ; nevertheless , i will try .   ; " the black ooze , " and extraterrestrial , virus-like substance is threatening earth .   ; a " shadow government " is aware of this , but tries to cover-up the alien existence .   ; mulder and scully know " the truth is out there , " and so try to expose both the invasion and the cover-up .   ; there are three central questions i have heard asked about this movie :   ; 1 .   ; will those who don't watch the series be able to understand the movie ?   ; yes .   ; isolated as an individual text , the x-files can stand alone .   ; they have given enough background for anyone , familiar with the show or not , to understand the movie .   ; although some of the secondary characters' histories may confuse the uninitiated , those characters are not essential to the film .   ; this is a major problem : they trot out token secondary characters from the series out for an appearance and then disappear just as quickly .   ; why bring superintendent skinner into the picture in the first place , and then have him sat silently on an fbi internal affairs committee ?   ; why bring in " the lone gunmen , " three computer geek conspiracy theorists , for an even briefer appearance ?   ; these characters are recurrent on the series , and their appearance in the film was met with whoops from the audience ( suggesting their popularity among fans - actually most of the audience could pass for " the lone gunmen " ) .   ; still , then they vanish just as quickly .   ; 2 .   ; the television show never gives us any answers .   ; will the movie actually explain some things ?   ; yes .   ; in the x-files we get a fairly complete history of " the black ooze , " what it is and what it wants .   ; we finally get some understanding of the motivations behind the " shadow government . "   ; there are even some subtle tie-ins with contemporary ufo-ology , including the " greys " and the roswell crash of 1947 .   ; 3 .   ; is the movie any good ?   ; no .   ; the x-files is a dreadful movie and shows some fundamental problems with writer/creator chris carter's talents and the relationship between cinema and television .   ; first off , the screenplay by series creator chris carter is sloppy and cliched .   ; after approximately forty-five minutes ( the length of a television episode minus the commercials ) , the pace drops to a snail's crawl .   ; not long after that point , when carter attempts to answer some questions we have had about the series , we wish he had not .   ; the explanations are so trite and ridiculous that one would have preferred it had carter not explained quite so much .   ; i am willing to suspend my disbelief a fair bit , but the absurdity carter wants me to swallow was just too much .   ; breaking the suspension of disbelief destroys the movie - and listening to other fans leave the cinema , maybe the series too .   ; the explanations are not only absurd , they are tired and unoriginal .   ; the extraterrestrials breed and gestate like those from the alien series , and their craft looks like a leftover set piece from independence day .   ; note that the alien movies , id4 , and the x-files are all from 20thcentury fox - a studio that is beginning to cannibalize itself i think .   ; the x-files is noteworthy for being the only movie based on a television series to be produced while the series was still running .   ; in comparing the movie and television series certain aspects of the respective media emerge .   ; the avoidance of the series to answer the questions it raised annoyed and frustrated many people .   ; however , i rather liked that about the series .   ; television allows you to impose as much , or as little , meaning on a show as you want .   ; it is the proverbial " blank screen " which we project our minds on .   ; meaning on television is open and ambiguous ; it is the nature of the medium .   ; cinema , on the other hand , is the opposite .   ; it projects onto us the filmmakers mind .   ; we can , in some films , fill the textual gaps ourselves , but that almost never happens in an american film .   ; meaning , in cinema , needs to be self-contained and determined .   ; so , when the x-files made that jump from small to big screen , carter needed to take into consideration the differences in the medium as well .   ; he did not .   ; by making explicit , what the television show left implicit , carter reveals the limits of his creativity and skill .   ; when they say that " fans " make a tv show , it is not far from the truth .   ; on television , fan culture must impose its meanings on the text because there is nothing there .   ; how true that is when we see the " explicit " x-files - there is nothing there . contrary to popular belief , not every single foregin film released to an american market is a masterpiece . some of them aren't even good . some examples of this principle are the aboslutely dreadful " un indien dans la ville " ( presented as " little indian , big city , " and remade into that crap tim allen flick , " jungle2jungle " ) , and this . what could have been a clever little sex comedy turns into one mess of a french flick . " french twist " ( the " cool " american title , not the real one , which was " gazon maudit , " literally meaning " twisted ground , " or something like that ) deals with a married couple with kids , and the intrusion of a stranger who kinda screws things up for them . loli and alain chabat ( victoria abril and alain chabat ) are not exactly happily married . always on business trips , alain chabat more than once cheats on her , and she eventually finds out . and one day , she meets a butch mechanic , marijo ( the co-writer/director josiane balasko ) , and they two kinda hit it off . so she decides she will get back at alain chabat by doing the obvious : sleeping with marijo . but she soons starts to not only fall in love with marijo , but she's also realizes she's still in love with alain chabat . so , of course , she does the obvious from that : she decides to keep them both . she'll be ( and sleep ) with each of them for 3 days each , then on sunday , she'll rest by herself . after all , she needs it if she's gonna have more sex than sylvia kristel . the film goes on for over an hour and a half , through stupidity after stupidity , moronic twist after moronic twist , and soon there's the little ironic ( ! ! ! ) ending . i know it's a completely different culture , and i'm quite familiar with the french and their cinema , but this is just bad . none of the characters are more intelligent than peter stormare in " fargo " ( a movie where stupid characters were backed up to make a point ) , and any action they do is pretty much just to get a hopeful chuckle from the audience . what's shocking is this was not only one of france's biggest hits , but it was nominated for a lot of cesars ( french equivalent of oscars ) . the writing and directing is really the big problem with it . josiane balasko does a good acting job with her role , but her little sex comedy isn't very humerous , entertaining , or even deep at all . even woody allen's not-very-good " a midsummer night's sex comedy " is intelligent , well-written , and possesses some depth . this is shallow , unfunny , and pretty annoying to watch . the film moves at the pace of a snail , and is damn-near painful to watch . thank god for the fast forward button . the acting , however , isn't bad at all . the actors do the best they can with the bad material , and victoria abril is pretty likable despite the script ( and the fact that she's stupid enough to try to divide herself over two people when she has kids ) . and alain chabat has some funny moments as the neurotic husband . but " french twist " is just pretty lame . it's not overly horrible , and has a couple very , very , very brief moments . but it's just a really crap film , and an example of an ill-advised distribution of a foreign film . i can see a decent sports movie struggling to break free of oliver stone's `any given sunday' . it's an entertaining movie that offers both insight and excitement into the rock-em , sock-em profession of pro football . unfortunately , the director seems to have only one priority on his mind : sprucing up the film with an assortment of fancy camera maneuvers . in altering each frame with quick-flash photography and dizzying , in-your-face editing , stone appears to have completely ignored the matter of plausible character development and football politics . we see glimpses of greatness , but `any given sunday' has its agenda all tangled in technical gobbledy-gook . it grows tiresome and monotonous . yes , stone has pulled a brian depalma . matters of importance are pushed aside right from the get-go . tony d'amato ( al pacino ) , coach of the struggling miami sharks , finds his team stuck in a losing rut . aging quarterback cap rooney ( dennis quaid ) appears to be losing his touch , and d'amato can't seem to ignite any passion in his squad . when cap is injured on the field , and after a patch of unlikely events occur , third-string qb willie beaman ( jamie foxx ) is brought into the game . once in the huddle ( and this becomes an in-game ritual ) , beaman horks all over the field . nerves , you see . eventually though , the ancy youngster wins the game for his teammates , sparking his rise to fame in the football world - the endorsements , the music videos , etc . - and stone straps us in for the jolting ride of behind-the-scenes stress and fury that the business is apparently like . and i believe it . there is some intriguing insight posed , but in the big scheme of things , stone fumbles the ball . the problem with the director's visual approach is this : he uses extravagant editing devices when a more conventional approach would have been appropriate . football is an exciting game to watch , but stone seems to think dizzying the audience with an assault on the senses will only add to the adrenaline rush . i guess he is mistaken . `any given sunday' is a visual kaleidoscope that leaves the audience in a frustrated stupor more frequently than it excites them . many football fans ( including one i attended with ) are liable to be disappointed with the `ultra-stylish' way stone has decided to present the game . in return , a three-star film becomes unfortunately degraded due to the director's tampering . in welcome scenes when the visual pummeling comes to a break , this actually shows decent character development and interaction . for instance , heated returns between d'amato and feisty young owner christina pagniacci ( cameron diaz ) are enjoyable to watch . there is also a solid performance from jamie foxx , who experiments with great success in his first trek into dramatic territory . the stellar supporting cast includes matthew modine , aaron eckhart , lauren holly , ann-margret and charlton heston ( in an extraordinarily brief appearance ) . unfortunately , too many big names are wasted - a typical demise for a film with such a large and experienced cast . pacino makes some interesting progress with his character . you begin to identify with coach d'amato and the morals he is striving for . . . . but i often felt he was just another play thing stone could weave in and out of his editing dynamics . `any given sunday' is a watchable but disappointing sports film in which plot and characters take a back seat to excessive filmmaking technique . and a very distant back seat , at that . this well-conceived but ultra sugary coming-of-age film is not for everyone , and i include myself as one of those who found it too sappy for my digestion . joseph cross ( joshua beal ) is a 10-year-old who is saddened by the recent loss of his grandfather ( loggia ) to bone marrow cancer . loggia is wonderful in relating to the child in such a wholesome manner , it almost saves this film from drowning in syrup . the beals are like a sitcom idyllic family , where everyone is just so nice and affluent , and properly religious without being fanatical . the beals , the father ( denis leary ) and his wife ( dana delany ) , are both successful doctors ; julia stiles plays joshua's older sister , needling her younger brother but also showing that she really cares about him . this is a family seemingly conceived in heaven , but living in south philadelphia , sending their children to a well-run catholic school . joshua , the protagonist and the narrator of this yarn , is a handsome , sweet , intelligent , friendly , and endearing child , who does well in school , relates to the nuns and priests , and talks politely to his well-meaning parents . all this mawkish interplay makes it almost too nauseating to watch . the plot arises when joseph has a problem coping with the death of his beloved grandfather , who promised to be with him forever . his answer is to search for god , pretty heady stuff for a youngster his age to do , but that's just the way it is , sometimes . this search for god takes us nowhere because , as his friend david ( reifsnyder ) says , where can you look for him if he doesn't exist . now , that's a smart kid . but joseph looks for him in the usual places , and what better place than to start in the parochial school he attends . one of his teachers is the kind-hearted sister terry ( rosie o'donnell ) , who wears a philly baseball hat and equates the jesus stories with baseball , making him the clean-up hitter , and in my opinion , if she wasn't a big tv star , would have a vocation as a parochial school teacher , she is that convincing . throughout the film , she is saved from answering any tough ( sic ! ) question about god by the bell , as it rings to end the class . nothing much happens in the search for god , there is no parody of the catholic school ; though a visiting cardinal is found by the boy not to be able to talk to god , but this is gentle stuff , no real criticism or search for god is attempted . what comes next into play is some hollywood hokum , which is designed not to upset anyone , as joseph has a reassuring encounter with a real , live angel , a blond little boy his own age and dressed like him in the catholic school uniform who wears the innocuous smile of a goody-goody . the film ends as this angel ( ! ! ! ) tells him his grandfather is all right . his quest is ended , as apparently angels don't have wings and are approachable ; and god , well , . . . maybe that's for another film down the road . this part of the film was the final straw for me , i couldn't swallow any more goo . as this film flopped commercially , his next one , the sixth sense , pared down the schmaltz and came up smelling like a rose . though if you look through the cleverness of both scripts , this director is loaded with hokum , all he has learned how to do , is hide the hokum better . well , god bless him , if he can do that . this is a nice family picture and there is room for it in hollywood . it's just too bad that it had nothing relevent or even truthful to say about death , children in a parochial elementary school , or for that matter , about god . and that family of his , they're too good for words . yet the film meant well and its benign message had its heart in the right place . for those who want to see something soft , without a bite to it , this is the one . " battlefield earth " is the best comedy of the year . it has to be . the other prospect is just too horrifying to consider . bad movie syndrome struck me again , so after witnessing how much " battlefield earth " has been proclaimed a train wreck in both critical and popular circles , i felt the masochistic urge to see the disaster first-hand . is it as bad as advertised ? oh yes , very much so . the plot is incomprehensible . the acting is atrocious . the special effects are mediocre . the action is dull . the implausibilities are legion . the dialogue is cringe-inducing . the whole package is funny when it wants to be serious and irritating when it wants to be funny . i don't even want to continue reviewing this movie ; i'd like to purge the atrocity from my mind as soon as possible , but you probably want to read my thrashing in all its sarcastic glory , so here it is : the premise is basically a rip-off of " planet of the apes , " only minus the apes and philosophical discussion , and plus a race of evil aliens from the planet psychlo . the year is 3000 , the psychlos have conquered earth , and the human population has been enslaved . only a handful of humans escaped to radiation-rich areas to escape the aliens ; they live out their lives in fear . one man , johnny goodboy ( i know , i know ) tyler ( barry pepper ) , ventures to the outworld and is captured by the psychlos . there he confronts the psychlo head of security : a big , ugly , klingon-looking creature called terl ( john travolta ) . pressed into slavery , johnny vows to lead a revolution and take the planet back . meanwhile , terl is faced with his own problems : he has recently learned that he's stuck living on earth ( which he hates ) for the rest of his career because he pissed off his boss by sleeping with the big man's daughter . he decides to give johnny knowledge of the psychlo language and technology ( this is where the plot gets ridiculous . . . ) so the " man-animal " can lead a mining expedition into places the psychlos can't go . terl then plans to keep the mined gold for himself . of course , his plan doesn't work . so many things wrong with this movie -- where to begin ? how about with travolta , whose hollywood clout brought about this , the cinematic version of scientology guru l . ron hubbard's sci-fi novel ? early previews for " battlefield earth , " with constant shots of a makeup-laden travolta cackling like lex luthor , had me ( and several audience members ) remarking , " what the hell is travolta thinking ? " the movie did nothing to stem such remarks . all that ridiculous cackling he did in the trailers is in full force here : terl cackles after nearly every line , and so does every other psychlo . of course , this makes every scene hilariously overwrought , no more so than when the script clumsily stumbles into political commentary . the psychlos are probably supposed to be some kind of satire of corporate america , but ceos generally don't laugh maniacally after denying pay raises to their employees . ( " you were going to be promoted -- but now you're not ! fwahahahahahahahaha ! ! ! ! ! " ) it's no big surprise terl loses to the humans -- he's an idiot . he breaks every kind of supervillain rule in the book . he underestimates his enemies , assuming he'll win just because he's smarter . ( he uses the word " leverage " like some sort of scientologist mantra . ) not content to go the james bond villain route of explaining his plans to the hero , he hooks him up to a machine that gives him knowledge of all the psychlos' language and technology . ( why this machine is even around in the first place is beyond me . ) he then appears shocked that johnny points a gun at him . no wonder this guy never got his promotion . the plot inconsistencies are too numerous to mention . why do the psychlos build an earth base in which both they and the human slaves must wear little breathing apparatuses to survive ? how come the psychlos are wasting their time mining for gold when the doors of fort knox are wide open ? how in the world did all those fighter jets survive sitting in a hangar for 1 , 000 years ? and how do all these previously brain-dead cavemen learn to fly them so quickly ? there's a whole lot more to scratch one's head about in " battlefield earth . " bring a scorecard to track the plot holes . director roger christian shoots " battlefield earth " in the most distracting way possible , tilting nearly every shot sideways for no discernible reason . all the characters appear to be standing on the walls , and it's awfully difficult to watch a movie when you must tilt your head just to watch ordinary passages of dialogue . the action sequences are atrociously edited , every one turned into an endless slow-motion parade that drains all potential excitement . are these things really so hard to construct ? my respect for supposed " lightweight " action directors has grown by leaps and bounds after witnessing in " battlefield earth " how badly an action sequence can be shot . this movie is an absolute headache . it's not just the shot selection and editing ; the movie , quite frankly , makes no sense . for most of " battlefield earth's " running time , i just didn't know what was happening . it didn't have anything to do with me finding the events stupid or illogical ( though they certainly are ) -- i really had no idea what the hell was going on . when i pieced the plot together later , it didn't look any better . here's how much of a disaster this is : " battlefield earth " is already the worst movie of the year , and it's going to take something really , really inept to top it . the only thing we can take comfort in about the film is that no one will be suckered into joining the church of scientology because of it . in fact , i'd think that hubbard's cult would want to distance themselves from this bomb as fast as possible . that'll teach me to give into bad movie syndrome again . long time buddies and neil diamond tribute band members wayne ( steve zahn , " happy , texas " ) and j . d . ( jack black , " high fidelity " ) watch in horror as third mate darren silverman ( jason biggs , " american pie " ) disappears under the thumb of his new fiance judith , ( amanda peet , " the whole nine yards " ) a controlling psychiatrist . they're doubly troubled when the return of darren's 'one and only love' sandy perkins ( amanda detmer , " final destination " ) returns to their home town but doesn't cause a ripple in darren's devotion to judith . there's only one thing wayne and j . d . can think of doing - they kidnap judith and fake her death in " saving silverman . " written by hank nelken and greg depaul after seeing a friend engaged to the wrong woman , " saving silverman " is directed by 'hit comedy director' dennis dugan of such films as " big daddy , " " brain donors " and " problem child . " it's a dismal , third-rate farrelly brothers rip off that attempts to milk humor from such inspired bits of whimsy as having darren's love interest come from a family of circus freaks and be about to become a nun . gross out gags include a visualization of darren getting butt cheek implants . " saving silverman " is almost saved by stars zahn and black . these two are so comically talented they can take bad material and still deliver the goods . they're in " animal house " mode while the rest of the film trawls along and comes up empty . jason biggs can attribute his entire career to the luck of having been cast in the smash hit " american pie . " peet shows some physical moves but no flair for comedy here while detmer slaps a brave , sweet smile onto her face and soldiers through . r . lee ermey ( " full metal jacket " ) is one note in an embarrassing performance as a psychopathic ex-football coach . neil diamond appears at the film's climax as himself and miraculously enlivens the proceedings by belting out some of his old standards . well if you are up for stellar effects then this is the movie for you . because thats all that there really is . . . . i found that after watching this movie it had many many gaps and flaws in simple logic in the plot . for one thing , a white leading actor who has a black daughter does leave some curiosity . . . . i am not saying that this isn't possible . . but it does leave one to wonder . . . i know i did . another thing is that this movie has sections which are painfully stretched out . . . . and certain scenes are repeated essentially but with slight variations . there was one scene that should have been short . . . but it was horribly stretched and somewhere in the middle of it i found myself thinking . . ok enough already get on with it . there are also times where you have to wonder why things happen the way they do . . . things just magically happen and there is no prelude or anything of the sort . . . another thing that i noticed towards the end was that some characters just vanished without a trace but they were fairly major through most of the beginning . this movie is also very predictable . . . you can almost tell the final story somewhere in the middle and you definitely know what will happen at a given moment . . granted this is hard to omit but here its just blatant it sits there and stares at you . also some of the things that happen are a little too predictable and several cliques are repeated . . . it gets boring at times to tell you the truth . . . even though there is still action going on . another little point i might add is that the main character is supposed to be a quiet chaos mathematician not some shoot them up type of hero . some of the characters are not proper for their roles . the acting is fine but the characters just don't seem to add up . if i was to base my review totally on the plot then i wouldn't rate this movie too highly but that's just the thing this movie isn't just the plot , its the whole package and this package is really well done . the whole movie is really well done and looks really good and if one was to overlook the flaws in the plot and characters then this is really a movie . the special effects are just amazing , you can't tell that the dinosaurs are created it looks like they were there live , in a few instances of course you know its fake but there are other times that you just wouldn't be able to say that the creature wasn't there during filming , extinct or not . another thing is the destruction scenes . . . wow , those were masterpieces . . well some of them were they were well choreographed and along with the dino's make this one of the reasons to see this movie . this movie is fairly long but it is action packed so it should do well in the box office . . unfortunately it will take away from fifth element but alas what can we do . . i may be too cynical for my age but this movie is only worth seeing for the effects and for it few funny moments . . go see it in a matinee if you really must see it its not worth full price if you ask me . one little side note , although my opinion of this movie may not have been the best the way that this movie was marketed and how many theaters it was shown in toronto this opening weekend is nothing short of stupid , there were 10 theater movie theaters that were playing this movie around the clock i think that some people really want money badly . . . . and i think that this type of activity hurts the movie industry let the other movies also have a chance . . . . you know any movie with that much play would succeed even if it was the worst movie ever made . . . . . i thought i'd put this here to deflate the movie hype about this flick . . . its not that bad a movie but its not that great either hope you people realize this . when a film is produced on a shoestring budget by a couple of hardworking filmmakers and when it tells the story of a genuine tragedy , the easy path for a reviewer who hated the movie is to give it a pass . toss out your usual objectivity , ignore how many times you checked your watch while viewing it , forget how unbearable it was to sit through , and find some meaningless way to compliment it . this , of course , will be of no service to your readers , but at least you'll avoid the hate mail from the movie's fans . thus it is with a heavy heart that i review the movie paulina ( not to be confused with the recent movie paulie about a talking parrot ) . directed by vicky funari as a labor of intense love - she spent the last one third of her life on film - the movie blends documentary footage with historic and fanciful recreations to relate the bitterly sad and true story of paulina cruz suarez . paulina was a maid in vicky's household when vicky was young . i got to learn the film's background when i attended a screening in which the two women who made it were present . for those without such context , the reaction to the film may be that it is a parody of a bad indie film . the acting is amateurish , the story is maudlin , and it has all the visual appeal of a bad home movie . grainy and overexposed , the movie , shot on 16mm film and videotape , has little to recommend it . confusingly composed , the movie jumps about jarringly as it tells its story . quite bloody at times , the story , full of horrific images , seems designed to shock and repulse us . why else would you include a scene with a completely nude and bloody 8-year-old paulina ? another scene has a teenage paulina being fondled on a bus by the man sitting next to her . in retaliation , she bites off part of his finger . this covers the both of them in a bucket of blood . the passengers on the bus then view the girl in their minds as everything from saint to sinner . one , for example , sees her as an aztec priestess holding out a large heart that she had just cut from a body . the lugubrious tale has paulina being raped and beaten . certainly she had to endure a miserable life . but that does not guarantee that a movie about her will necessarily being good . i felt trapped in the theater watching it . only the opportunity to talk with the filmmakers afterwards made the movie bearable . paulina runs 1 : 28 . the film is in spanish with english subtitles . it is not rated but would be an r for violence and nudity and would be acceptable for older teenagers . in this year's summer movie preview issue of _entertainment_weekly_ , theresa connelly described her writing-directing debut , _polish_wedding_ , as " a child that did not quite become the child i thought it would . " one wonders what exactly she originally had in mind for this jumbled film , a comedy-drama that appears doomed at its most basic elements . the family at the center of _polish_wedding_ is the pzoniaks , which consists of mother jadzia ( lena olin ) , father bolek ( gabriel byrne ) , sole daughter hala ( claire danes ) and four sons of varying degrees of facelessness . it's a large family , but there's not a sympathetic one in the whole bunch , certainly not in the primary trio . jadzia takes pride in building and maintaining a home and family , but she's kind of a hypocrite since she's carrying on an affair with a businessman rade serbedzija ) . her excuse for her affair is neglect from bolek , who is such a passive wimp that one cannot connect with his sadness and frustration . also , how could he possibly pay so little attention to the saucy , sexy jadzia ? hala is a spoiled , self-centered high school dropout whose reckless sexual experimentation predictably leads to pregnancy . with such an unappealing set of characters , it's no surprise that _polish_wedding_'s plot complications are far from involving . naturally , jadzia and bolek would like hala to marry the young cop , russell schuster ( adam trese ) , who fathered the child , but he refuses to make such a commitment . ho-hum . another complication , involving the decidedly un-virginal hala being selected to crown a statue of the virgin mary , is first played for laughs and then , inexplicably , as a profound statement in the film's climax--which , ironically , is funnier than any of the film's lame attempts at humor , such as a painfully labored slapstick attempt where jadzia leads her sons in a charge to beat up russell . that scene is but one in a number of writing miscues by connelly . the jadzia-bolek conflict is resolved in an overly pat way not unfamiliar to sitcom viewers . the hala-russell conflict isn't resolved in as contrived a manner , but their ultimate resolution will leave viewers wondering if they had missed something . and then there's some atrocious dialogue , which i am sure was not supposed to be as ridiculous as they sound : " look at all these pickles . just looking at them gives me such great sadness . " as misguided as _polish_wedding_ is , the affair is something of a letdown , considering the strong performances by byrne , danes , and especially the fiery olin . they obviously believed in connelly and her material--a faith that audiences will be hard-pressed to share . several days after having seen this movie , i'm still trying to determine what director christopher guest , a man whose sense of humor i usually appreciate , found funny in either the concept or the execution of almost heroes . this is a dreadful motion picture ? a lowbrow example of period piece comedy with terrible production values and an exceptionally poor laughs-to-jokes ratio . there's a kind of desperation in the movie's approach to humor that reveals the film makers' uncertainty about how entertaining the material is ; the manic style betrays itself as a last-ditch attempt to hide the flaws of a failed script . the premise doesn't sound especially amusing to begin with ? almost heroes tells the tale of two explorers , the effeminate leslie edwards ( matthew perry ) and the uncouth bartholomew hunt ( chris farley ) , who are racing lewis and clark on the trip to the american northwest . edwards and hunt are accompanied by the kinds of weirdoes we find in road movies ( albeit of the early-19th century variety ) , including a frenchman named guy fontenot who claims to speak hundreds of languages ( none of which prove to be useful ) , a pretty indian maiden who turns into the obligatory love interest , and a bizarre man who suffers a series of debilitating injuries . along the way , the intrepid explorers encounter bears , bald eagles , aging native american warriors , and a conquistador named hildago ( kevin dunn ) who raves about his beautiful hair . the explorers' trek takes them through forests , across the snow-capped rocky mountains , and over a waterfall . this setup leads to a lot of shouting , a great deal of lunacy , and very few laughs . farley engages in his usual shtick of falling down and bellowing , but , aside from an momentarily diverting confrontation with an eagle , his heart doesn't seem to be in it . matthew perry , one of the stars of tv's friends ( who had some modest success in the romantic comedy , fools rush in ) is badly miscast . as a foil for farley and an antidote to his runaway energy , perry lacks the necessary edge of the proverbial straight man . i'm not a big fan of david spade , and i didn't like tommy boy , but at least he and farley worked well together . as far as the supporting players go , none of them makes more than a fleeting impression . eugene levy is wasted , and kevin dunn is about as interesting here as he is in godzilla . frankly , it's a disappointment to see something this dumb and ugly come from christopher guest , the brilliant comic force behind such films as this is spinal tap , the big picture , and waiting for guffman . although guest gets the costumes right , this nearly-inconsequential success is no substitute for the weak script and unfunny execution . the special effects , such as they are , are execrable . for an example of some really poor blue screen work , look at the scenes where the characters are shooting the rapids ( they're obviously getting buckets of water thrown on them ) and where farley is being carried off by an eagle . even though farley didn't have the most stellar of acting careers , he doesn't deserve the kind of unfortunate epitaph offered by almost heroes . while some of the more outrageous attempts at humor may coax a few guffaws from 12-year old boys , the level of comedy in almost heroes falls far below the level of sophomoric . farley fans who see this film as a way to say goodbye should be commended for their loyalty , since it takes real stamina to stay seated for the full running length of this cinematic torture session . when i was nine , i started buying the coolest toy figures in my local department store . masters of the universe was the pinnacle of what i was after for action figures : they combined science fiction and fantasy , had cool names like mekanek and stinkor and each came with its own little comic book to read . of course , the animated series produced by filmation remains one of the most wildly successful television products in world history . given the tremendous success of the toys and the cartoon ( not to mention its moderately successful spin-off she-ra : princess of power ) , it was inevitable that a production company would put two and two together , come with the result of " trillions " and make a live-action masters movie . let's be blunt : masters of the universe is a very bad movie . the story is painfully dull and mind-numbingly cliched ( hands up who * wouldn't * guess he-man and skeletor take their fight into the real world ) and is acted out by either incredibly untalented actors ( dolph lundgren as he-man for one ) or good actors ( james tolkan , meg foster ) given such awful characters and dialogue that they can't help but seem terrible . it is extremely clear that someone making the movie wanted it to be as good as star wars . we have the alien bounty hunters , the desert skif technology , stormtrooper lookalikes and a musical score so reminiscent of john williams that " deja vu " is too polite a term to use in describing it . " blatant uninspired ripoff " would appear more appropriate . tv fans might want to check out courtney cox ( monica in friends ) and robert duncan mcneill ( lt paris in star trek : voyager ) , very early in their careers and not doing to well in them either . so in the face of such mindless sub-mediocrity , is there anything to make masters of the universe worth watching at all ? yes , there is . one incredible good reason . his name is frank langella . langella has always been one of the underrated actors of hollywood , appearing in countless films over the years . here he plays skeletor , the villain of the piece . dressed in opulent black velvet robes and bearing a skull for a face , he is one part darth vader , one part emperor and two parts grim reaper . given this character , langella falls right into it with style and precision . skeletor is believable , interesting and manages to tread the fine line between being a homage to the past and startlingly original in his own right . masters of the universe . i remember loving it when i was eleven . at twenty one it's difficult to see why . but , as i said , it is blessed with a superlative villain who makes the entire thing worth the tedium of the remainder . besides , this year marks the film's 10th anniversary . watch it with some friends for a good laugh and celebrate . in " gia " , angelina jolie plays the titular character , the first so-called supermodel . and right there you have the biggest hurdle this movie had to overcome ( in my eyes , anyway ) . i just don't see how the life of a model is worthy of a two hour film . despite this , i kept an open mind when i began watching the movie . sadly , though , my fears were realized . it's just not possible to make an interesting , full-length film about a person who spends their days wearing different clothes . the movie follows the rise and fall of gia ( no last name ) , a tumultuous woman who doesn't particularly enjoy the world of fashion . she becomes famous more quickly than she can handle , and finds herself hooked on drugs and on a woman she cannot have . the last hour of the film is just one scene after another of gia getting high , losing a job , and going into rehab . this formula is repeated several times , and i really got tired of it . in general , i tend to dislike movies featuring heavy drug use . no because it offends me or anything like that ; it just bores me . quite frankly , i don't see the appeal , so when a director shows me a point-of-view shot of a junkie , complete with tipsy camera angles and echoing voices , i am left somewhat unimpressed . the first hour of the film , though , was actually quite engaging . we see gia as she is discovered and moves to new york with her boyfriend . these early scenes were interesting . we're shown the fashion world through a newcomers eyes , and it was a perspective i hadn't seen before . the movie begins to go downhill , however , once gia becomes an established model . >from that point , i lost all interest in the movie and was counting the minutes before it would end . it all seemed so excessive . fine , so gia had a drug problem , does this really need to dominate the film ? couldn't the same effect have been had with a five or ten minute montage of scenes featuring gia experimenting with drugs ? or perhaps this film is meant to be a warning to aspiring models not to get into the drug world . quite possibly , although since i have no desire to become a model , this warning is lost on me . as i stated at the beginning of this review , i simply don't see how the life of a model is worthy of a feature-length motion picture . what do they do that warrants a movie ? strut their stuff for thousands of dollars an hour ? i suppose the same could be said about making movies about baseball players , for example , but at least somebody like lou gehrig led an interesting life . gia did not . and by the end of the film , all i knew about gia for sure was that she hated modelling , was bi-sexual , and was heavily into drugs . not exactly a meaningful contribution to society , as far as i'm concerned . talk about beating a dead horse ! when home alone was released in 1990 , it was a breath of fresh air , and the final box office tally indicated how much audiences appreciated a genuinely-funny family film . the unexpectedly high gross guaranteed a sequel , so , two years later , we were subjected to home alone 2 , which might as well have been called clone alone for all of the originality it exhibited . for john hughes , two home alone movies weren't enough ? he began recycling the same kinds of villains and situations in almost every movie he was involved with , including a pathetic box office bomb called baby's day out , last year's live-action 101 dalmatians , and this year's flubber . now , inexplicably , hughes has exhumed not only these worn-out plot elements , but the " home alone " name as well . the result ? 1997's worst sequel ( edging out speed 2 and batman and robin ) , home alone 3 . by changing the characters , hughes ( who wrote and co-produced the film ) , along with his co-conspirator , director raja gosnell , has attempted to inject new life into a series that is way past the point of cardiac arrest . the new kid , alex pruitt , is played by alex d . linz ( one fine day ) , and the only thing he has going for him is terminal cuteness . he's not half as interesting as macaulay culkin once was . the villains , pale copies of joe pesci and daniel stern , are even less engaging than the pair of idiots in flubber . in home alone 3 , there are four of them ( olek krupa , david thornton , lenny von dohlen , and rya kihlstedt ) , but all that means is an opportunity for twice as many pratfalls . this time , the kid isn't left home alone because his parents have gone on a trip . instead , he has developed a bad case of chicken pox , so he can't go to school . his dad ( kevin kilner ) is away on business and his mom ( haviland morris ) has to run errands , so , for the most part , he's all by himself during the day . through a series of coincidences too irritating to relate , a top secret u . s . air force integrated circuit comes into his possession . it's wanted by a gang of four international crooks who intend to break into alex's home to retrieve it . the eight- year old , who is wise beyond his years , booby traps the house with all sorts of rube goldberg-type devices designed to humiliate and incapacitate the villains . the movie's climax takes place during a raging snowstorm ? only none of the falling flakes looks remotely believable . previously , the most counterfeit-looking snow effects i can remember were in star trek iii . these are far worse . in fact , the production values are so shoddy that there are some scenes in the midst of this near-blizzard when a shining sun can be seen . if it's a wonderful life could generate real- looking snow back in the 1940s , why can't home alone 3 , which has a significantly larger budget and '90s technology at its disposal ? there has been an ongoing debate regarding the appropriateness of live-action cartoon violence for young children . home alone 3 will add fuel to the fire . it's one thing to see wyle e . coyote flattened by a 10 ton acme weight , but quite another to watch a running lawn mower fall on lenny von dohlen . adults and even older children will recognize that this is obviously fake and intended to be humorous , but what about five and six-year olds ? the level of violence in home alone 3 is extreme ? many of alex's schemes are nasty enough to kill . but , because this is a " family film , " no one dies , despite being electrocuted , falling thirty feet , and getting smacked on the head by a barbell . not only is home alone 3 unnecessary , but it's offensive . it's an exercise in tediousness , and there isn't a genuine laugh to be found from the beginning to the end ( unless , by some strange quirk of fate , you have missed every 1990s movie associated with john hughes , and thus haven't seen this stuff before ) . i can't imagine anyone with a reasonable attention span being more than momentarily distracted by this pointless adventure . maybe that's why the only ones laughing at the screening i attended were still in their thumb-sucking years . conventional wisdom among collectibles retailers is that children's items begin to dramatically escalate in price about twenty-five or thirty years after the item was made . that's when the kids of that time have jobs , disposable income and a desire to re-visit the awe and wonderment of childhood that has disappeared from their lives . check out the prices of toys from the late sixties and you'll find that yogi bear lunch boxes are demanding big bucks . there's a heavy nostalgia nowadays for the late sixties and early seventies and nowhere is it more apparent than on the big screen . boomers are now mostly in their forties and fifties and have lived in the work-a-day world for a long time . they'd like to re-capture some of that fun they remember from days of yore . hollywood seems more than eager to churn out product to help them . directors are zealous to put their stamp on icons from that time . and for the most part they're messing it up . " mission impossible " , " lost in space " , " godzilla " , " zorro " . none of these successfully capture the originals . none of these are even good films . you can now add " the avengers " to the list . the british television series began in 1961 . super secret agent john steed ( then-patrick macnee ) and his third partner , emma peel ( then-diana rigg ) are the pair that the american audience fell for . surrealistic and witty , the series fit the mood of the times . the leather-clad rigg probably didn't hurt the ratings either . after all it's not a coincidence that you can't pronounce her character's name without " appeal " . now we're in the nineties . steed ( now-ralph fiennes ) and peel ( now-uma thurman ) are battling evil genius sir august de wynter ( sean connery ) who is screwing with england's weather . that's about as much of a plot as we have . there's some footage about a lot of other things that either don't make sense or make even less sense . we get betrayal for some unknown reason . evil clones appear and vanish and have no connection to the film . remarkably ineffective giant flying robot wasps with machine guns in their belly come from nowhere for no good reason . there's a high tech hot air balloon , but i have no idea why anyone's in it . the spy agency is run by a man called " mother " who is in a wheelchair and a woman named " father " who is blind . . . at least in some scenes . there's probably a reason for all of this , but we'll never know it . macnee makes an appearance of sorts . he is the voice for an invisible man whose character goes nowhere in a scene that does nothing . a group of villains sits around a table , all clad in huge pastel-colored teddy bear outfits . at first it's humorous to watch the teddies waddle around , but then it becomes goofy . the movie is a medley of clutter , confusion and wrong decisions around every corner . it feels like major portions of the film are missing . the storyline jumps rather than flows . reportedly the film was re-cut several times . this is one of those times where the whole is less than the sum of the parts especially since some of the parts appear to be missing . there's one good point where peel is running from one room to another in a house designed by escher . other than that , the effects are second-rate . the weather threat is old hat as are the scenes of huge tornadoes . thurman almost makes an adequate emma peel but it doesn't work . she looks good , dresses in all the right fetish outfits but there's no spark . fiennes fares even less well . macnee's steed was a witty man of the world with a sense of humor . fiennes' agent comes across as a dour kid in grown-up clothes who has never been out of his home town . even connery , one of the greatest living actors , doesn't have much of a presence outside of a few fiery scenes . the action scenes are difficult to follow . director jeremiah chechik ( responsible for the atrocious remake of " diabolique " ) somehow manages to put the camera exactly where it shouldn't be . things happen , people move around , but even if , with the utmost effort , you were able to care about any of it , the scenes are bewildering . the primary allure of the original was the interaction between the two leads . witty banter and an underplayed sexual tension were a winning combination . admittedly there are a few humorous sexual puns in the film , but there's no chemistry and the repartee is anything but clever . one of emma peel's first lines of dialog is " rules are made to be broken . " it doesn't get any better . advance word alone should have been enough to scare off anyone . the release date was changed several times . connery refuses to promote the film . there was no screening for critics which may have been a good choice for warner brothers . at least this way , they get something of an audience for the first weekend before the news gets out . admittedly i haven't seen an episode of the television series for a couple of decades . my guess is that it would be severely dated now . no matter how antiquated it might be , there's no doubt that it holds up better than this film is at first viewing . there's no reason to waste any part of the last few days of summer inside watching this movie . no reason at all . the following review encompasses two versions of dune : dune : the theatrical version ( 1984 ) runtime : 137 minutes capsule review : cut down to just over two hours by nervous studio executives , the theatrical version of dune is a spectacular mess and may be incomprehensible to those unfamiliar with the book . the film's visual splendour , mystical beauty and impressive action scenes only partly compensate for gaping holes in the narrative . dune : the extended version ( 1988 ) runtime : 189 minutes capsule review : a bit of a throw-together assembled by mca tv special projects for cable television . it was disowned by director david lynch but it's considerably closer to his original vision by virtue of its improved characterisation and clearer storyline . quality dubs of this version from the out-of-print japanese laserdisc release are available from various dealers on the world wide web . * * * the review * * * released in 1984 and made on a then mammoth budget of $40 million , the film of frank herbert's cult novel dune was eagerly awaited by sci-fi fans . director david lynch ( blue velvet , eraserhead , twin peaks ) was working on his biggest production to date , a mammoth undertaking filmed under trying conditions on location in mexico . the screenplay was lynch's own , chosen after the script submitted by original author herbert was rejected . dune is set in a universe ruled by powerful families overseen by a successive line of emperors . the key to cosmic power is the planet arrakis ( dune ) , a windswept desert planet that's home to giant sandworms and the precious spice melange . the spice is the most valuable commodity in the universe . it extends the life and expands the consciousness of those who consume it . most importantly , it allows the navigators of the spacing guild ( once human but now hideously mutated ) to " fold space " and navigate their spacecraft across mammoth distances instantaneously , enabling interstellar commerce and trade to flourish . lynch's film by necessity excises parts of the book while retaining the story's two main strands . one is the long-standing rivalry between two families , houses atreides and house harkonnen , and their battle for lucrative mining rights on arrakis . the second strand is the emergence of young paul atreides as the reluctant messiah long-awaited by the natives of arrakis , the fremen . the deeply religious fremen want control over their homeworld , and young paul may be the fulfilment of their prophecy that a man would come from the outer worlds and lead them to freedom . unfortunately , this epic story unfolds in a confusing and haphazard manner in the theatrical cut of the film , which runs 30 to 60 minutes shorter than what lynch originally intended . the thinking among universal's oh-so-wise money men was that films over two hours in duration were not popular with audiences at the time and would not do well at the box office . with lynch's initial cut running at closer to three or more hours , the studio demanded that further cuts be made . what a great idea ! why not trim down an already complex film so as to make it almost incomprehensible ? the most glaring consequence of this one-eyed stupidity is a hopelessly jumpy narrative , leaving us with badly underdeveloped characters . thus their personalities are vague , their motivations unclear and , in the case of paul's father duke leto , their demise rather meaningless . the end result is a distinct chill : we can't warm to most of the cast and we don't care much for them . and it hardly helps that the voice-over narration is sparse and that the dune-esque language and terminology sounds like so much gobbledegook to those unfamiliar with the book . dune is also a very serous film . the constant " self-talk " by various characters makes it so serious and self-absorbed at times that you may find it hard not to wince with embarrassment . the overall impression is a world full of people so intense that no one is allowed a joke lest the universe come crashing down around them . humour - or at least a gentle kind of humour as distinct from the harkonnen's mad , sadistic kind - is hard to find . you may balk at the comparison , but as a writer lynch could well have done with some lessons from george lucus' star wars trilogy . the theatrical version is still some way from being a complete disaster , however . it still possesses enough of lynch's stylistic quirks and enough visual invention to sustain the interest of viewers with a taste for imaginative sci-fi . special effects whiz carlo rambaldi's giant sandworms are an awesome sight . both the production design ( anthony masters ) and costume design ( bob ringwood ) are striking and original . and the magnificent score by toto and brian eno is one of the most underrated soundtracks of the last twenty years . with these elements in place and the benefit of freddie francis' lush cinematography , the film is at least a feast for the senses . see it in the widescreen format if you can . and despite all the cuts , several cast members still make a strong impression , most notably kenneth mcmillan as the supremely nasty baron vladimir harkonnen . sian phillips also registers strongly as the reverend mother gaius helen mohiam , leader of the bene gesserit religious order who's secret aim is to manipulate paul's destiny for its own shadowy ends . as paul atreides , the young kyle maclachlan starts off somewhat shakily , but as his character grows in strength so does his performance and he emerges as a credible leader of the fremen crusade . the conclusion ? any assessment of this film must take into account that frank herbert's original novel is a complex piece of work and presents a tough challenge for any filmmaker . david lynch took a brave stab at it and , partly due to forces beyond his control , ended up with an officially released version that fails in several key respects . dune certainly confused and frustrated a lot of people on its release . many chose to stay away altogether , as the film's disastrous box office showing attests . the extended version , however , is a rather different beast . in 1984 lynch stated his intention to release his own special edition " director's cut " of the film on home video , a clear indication of his dissatisfaction with the version that ended up in the theatres . but , alas , he failed to do so , choosing to move on to other projects . in a way , then , it is partly lynch's own fault that what appeared instead was an unauthorised extended version , put together in 1988 by mca tv special projects for airing on cable networks in the usa . stung into action , lynch successfully petitioned the director's guild to take his name off the credits and replace it with " allen smithee " , the standard pseudonym for directors who wish to disown their own work . he also had the screenwriting credit changed to the anonymous " judas booth " . certainly , looking at the results of mca's handiwork there's at least half a dozen instances that , for sheer technical sloppiness , are good enough reasons for the director to object . but these gripes must be considered in light of the improvements that the extended cut of dune offers in several crucial areas . most of the changes involve the restoration or extension of cut scenes and the addition of extra narration , both of which fill many holes in the original version's storyline . paul's relationship with his father and associates is more intimate , with moments of humour and warmth lacking previously . the political skulduggery involving the emperor , the spacing guild , the bene gesserits and the two warring houses is far better explained . paul's initiation into the fremen way of life on arrakis is also fleshed out considerably . and as further background , a new prologue has been added featuring narration and painted stills to give us a brief history of the dune universe . as a piece of storytelling , then , mca tv's version of dune is clearly superior . as a piece of editing , however , it is at times surprisingly inept . the use of painted stills in the new prologue works well enough , but their occasional appearance once the action begins is inappropriate . there's some sloppy cutting , too , and in a few instances shots even appear out of order . and the use of repeated footage to fabricate certain scenes ( eg . ships coming and going , soldiers coming and going ) is at times clearly out-of-context . this is the kind of thing to which lynch objected , and rightly so . it should also be noted that several questionable scenes and shots from the theatrical version were deleted to satisfy the censorship demands of u . s . television . but the most notable omission is a gratuitous piece of nonsense from lynch that wasn't even in herbert's book . the scene features baron harkonnen killing a beautiful young man in front of his slobbering henchmen by pulling out his " heart plug " . its a surreal and disturbing episode that's very lynch-esque but adds nothing to what we already know : the baron is a nasty piece of work . despite its own peculiar flaws , then , the extended version of dune is a generally superior film . all up , it contains 35 minutes of restored footage and approximately another 15 minutes of either altered , fabricated or newly created sequences . unless the idiosyncratic lynch has a sudden change of heart , the " alan smithee " version remains the closest we'll get to what the movie should have been . on repeated viewings , one suspects it is closer than what lynch would be prepared to admit . still , as one of this century's great science-fiction novels , some fans and perhaps the late herbert himself would argue that dune deserved a better fate in its transfer to the screen . with rumours circulating of a new six hour mini-series planned by production company new amsterdam entertainment in 1998 , it is unlikely that we have heard the last of the dune saga . in 1970s , many european intellectuals , especially those on the left political hemisphere , became obsessed with the rise of fascism . which wasn't so hard to expect , because the social turmoil of 1960s and economic decline of 1970s seemed to be the breeding ground for many dangerous ideologies . in such times , when political involvement could be associated with noble passion , many filmmakers tried to warn the present generations of dangers that lurk ahead by giving the look of pre-war europe and circumstances that led to phenomena like fascist italy and nazi germany . of course , there were authors who jumped on the bandwagon for other , less noble reasons . for them , moral depravity of fascism could be explained to the audience by explicitly showing sexual depravity of those era . which , naturally , made some of those films very popular among teen audience . one of such filmmakers was italian director tinto brass , who later made career shooting expensive , stylish soft porn . salon kitty , his 1976 film , is very losely based on the novel by peter nordern , book that deals with bizarre yet true story that took place in the first years of ww2 . in 1939 , walter schellenberg , one of the heads of nazi intelligence service has set up the elite , exclusive brothel in berlin with clientele comprised of top nazi officials and foreign diplomats . none of the customers knew that the girls were all nazi agents , and that all the rooms happened to be bugged . the most bizarre thing is the fact that not even kitty , nominal madame of the brothel , didn't know the real purpose of that enterprise . screenplay by tinto brass , of course , simplifies the story and changes few names . schellenberg is now wallenberg ( helmut berger ) , ambitious nazi official who wants to use the brothel in order to blackmail his way to the top . kitty kellerman ( ingrid thulin ) , apart from being madam , has a second job as a cabaret singer . caught in the net of depravity is sweet , innocent girl margerithe ( theresa ann savoy ) thrown into brothel . there she falls in love with customer hans reiter ( bekim fehmiu ) , disenchanted pilot of luftwaffe . when margerithe discovers that her lover had been executed for defeatist speeches he made in the brothel , she finds out that the place is bugged . she informs the madam of the real situation , and both women decide to confront wallenberg . those who tend to bash benigni for exploiting holocaust as the topic of comedy would probably go bananas watching this film , that uses the darkest pages of european history for cheap sexploitation . but , although salon kitty doesn't happen to be anything more than rather more stylish and expensive soft porn ( although not very successful ; some of supposedly erotic scenes are quite unappealing ) , it does try to have more multidimensional characters and even something resembling dramatic conflict - this time between power-hungry and scruples wallenberg and hedonistic womanhood symbolised by kitty . unfortunately , brass seems to overuse other cinematical references , probably thinking that he could repeat the successful interaction of berger and thulin in luchino visconti's the damned , but the most noticeable and irritating is ingrid thulin's unsuccessful attempt to imitate lisa minelli's musical numbers from cabaret . all in all , salon kitty is failure , although with some very interesting moments . dr dolittle ( 20th century fox ) running time : 1 hour 25 minutes starring eddie murphy directed by betty thomas riding high on the success of the nutty professor ( 1996 ) , murphy returns in this abysmal comedy . he plays doctor john dolittle , who as a child had the ability to understand animals . however , after being 'exorcised' he loses this ability , and we fast forward to see dolittle in a crummy job surrounding by crummy people ( most notably dr mark weller , played by oliver platt . ) however , with a bonk on the head his ability to understand animals returns , and 'comedy' is ready and waiting to happen . except comedy never does happen . doctor dolittle , even with the excellent premise , rarely manages to raise a laugh . poor old murphy looks bored stiff throughout the whole movie , and his performance suffers . the manic murphy we saw in the 80's is gone , his more mature ( and more boring ) twin appears to be getting all the work in the 90's . the voices of the animals , which include albert brooks , chris rock ( the 'new' eddie murphy ) and norm mcdonald as 'lucky' the dog are marginally better , and at least they put enthusiasm in the movie . sadly , most of their lines are pretty dumb . and they're not 'funny' dumb , like dumb & dumber ( 1994 ) , but just boring dumb . the film even succumbs to fart jokes halfway through , in a desperate attempt to raise some laughs . there are a few good jokes in the script , but they are few and far between . if i had to choose a favourite performance , it would probably be albert brooks tiger , who has a certain charm about him . sadly , he's barely in the movie , and rock's really annoying hamster is given far too much screen time . joke wise , we are thankfully , spared the mocking and insulting type of jokes that featured heavily in the nutty professor . the director , betty thomas , has , well , done better films . she bought us private parts ( 1997 ) and the brady bunch movie ( 1995 ) which were , sadly , much better than this . the scenes lack any charm , she just gets the job done . the animals themselves , are reasonable realistic , although most of them are obviously puppets . there's an impressive looking tiger , however , and the lip sync is pretty good . you'd have no problem guessing that most of the close up's are puppets , however , with their jilted movement . i was hoping jim hensons workshop , who created the furry friends , would have done a better job . doctor dolittle , in the end , is a disappointment for everyone involved . murphy has done much better movies ( i . e trading places ) the director has seen better days , and even the creatures aren't that good . the target audience , aged between 7-13 , who are undemanding , will probably like it however , thanks to it's dumbed down humour . everyone else , however , should give doctor dolittle a miss . the general's daughter is a heartless , absurd film , a movie so hopelessly dedicated to its inane plot that it forgets entirely about its own characters . director simon west treats issues like rape and sexual fetish with ham-handed obscenity , creating a film that banks almost entirely on exploitation and offensive pseudo-depth . what's worse is that the movie is haphazardly glued together by two characters who are neither interesting nor sympathetic -- the ridiculous story requires them to do unbelievable things in the interest of reaching a dark conclusion in a sudden rain storm . john travolta finds himself in the middle of the mess , playing warrant officer paul brenner ; brenner is assigned to find the murderer and rape of captain elizabeth campbell ( leslie stefanson ) , daughter of general joe campbell ( james cromwell ) . brenner is teamed up with ex-spouse sarah sunderland ( madeline stowe ) , and they check out all the suspects on the base , including elizabeth's mentor , colonel moore ( james woods ) . soon , it becomes apparent that elizabeth was into kinky sexual stuff , but the question comes down to why -- and , of course , who . ebert's law of the economy of characters can be applied here ; one interesting thing i noted is that not only are all the characters suspects at some point ( including the two protagonists ) , but almost all of them end up directly intertwined with the story . perhaps i should have issued a spoiler alert before mentioning that , but it's painfully obvious from the beginning that everyone in the film is hiding something . on a story level , the general's daughter is ineptly constructed . the film , adapted by christopher bertolini and william goldman from nelson demille's novel ( which was apparently based on a true story ) , plods along to its conclusion , filling in the blanks with stale , unrealistic dialogue and " shocking " plot developments . having not read the novel , it's difficult to determine if these problems are the fault of the adapters or the original author , but i suppose they all are guilty to some degree . scene after scene stumbles with pointless insincerity ; minutes after finding the dead young woman , brenner and sunderland engage in sarcastic dialogue , which includes endless strings of forced lines . ( sunderland actually asks brenner , " why was she killed ? " to which i would have answered , " if i knew , then the movie would already be over . " ) only after we've spent twenty minutes or so with these characters do we learn that they have a sordid history together ; this angle , though apparently present to develop their characters , is never explored . not that it really matters , since the characters consistently do ludicrous things for no other reason than to drive the plot . in one scene , sunderland is attacked by a man in a mask . she sees one of his rings , and she and brenner find the man later that day based on the ring . instead of questioning him like as they would a real suspect , they take him to brenner's houseboat , beat him up , and pour hot coffee in his lap . this scene really pushed me over the edge , not because it's gratuitous and mean-spirited , but because it illustrates the film's complete disregard for the characters and the audience . it was impossible for me to feel anything for these people beyond this scene , mostly because nothing they do comes as a surprise . i realized that these constructs on screen aren't actually characters , but devices present only to serve the story . this would have been bad enough without the west's need to hose his movie down in tasteless images of rape and sexual misconduct . compelling films about sexual crimes don't spend a lot of time on rape flashbacks , and they certainly don't show as much skin and sweat as a typical pornographic picture . these scenes are not the least bit powerful ; on the contrary , they're intended simply to provide the audience with the necessary resentment for the villain , whomever that may turn out to be . in addition , the movie treats sexual fetishes -- and sadomasochism in particular -- as if it's a perversion of everything we know to be pure . this standpoint is certainly allowed , but only in accompaniment with well-developed themes to back it up . as it is , the film forgets that a lot of people have sexual fetishes , and that putting on a pair of handcuffs does not make a person insane . perhaps the only positive elements in the general's daughter are a couple of the performances . james woods has a few terrific scenes , and plays his role with sharp , witty subtlety . i also liked james cromwell , mostly because he comes across as slightly sympathetic despite the obvious intent of west to make him villainous . nonetheless , these performances are undermined entirely by the dreary , obligatory atmosphere and the senseless neglect of characterization . the general's daughter is the worst kind of hollywood film -- it pretends to have a soul , to be of strict moral code , when in fact it has nothing more than a group of cardboard cut-outs force-feeding the audience a toxic landfill of plot contrivances and one-sided moral judgments . disney's " air bud " tells a boy-and-his-dog story with a twist -- the pooch is quite an accomplished basketball player . granted , for a family comedy , it's not a very funny or successful idea to begin with , but it doesn't seem to matter -- " air bud " is surprisingly solemn . save for occasional moments of forced slapstick , the movie wags its tale with a straight face -- not a very enjoyable approach . if " air bud " had realized its own absurdity , then it possibly could have been better . here , we're actually asked to cheer a moment when the dog marches out to save the big game , clad in two pairs of sneakers and even a jersey . its number ? k9 . yeah , whatever . the movie opens as golden retriever buddy ( as himself ) escapes from his current owner , abusive clown-for-hire norm snively ( michael jeter ) . he ends up in fernwell , washington , where mopey new-kid-on-the-block josh ( kevin zegers ) is trying to cope with the move and the recent death of his father . buddy , kevin . kevin , buddy . once the dog proves his on-court prowess , kevin's self-esteem rockets . they both win places in the school's basketball team , with the animal as their mascot . but before they can make it to the finals , snively surfaces to reclaim buddy . everything plays out just as one would think : heavy on predictability , light on an actual story . the movie follows a calculated chain of events -- kevin's gloom fades , snively gets his comeuppance and buddy contracts rabies and must be executed old yeller-style . okay , that last one's a lie , but at least it would have been a quicker send-off than " air bud " 's courtroom climax -- no joke ! there's even a faux-cute musical montage where a reluctant buddy gets cleaned-up to " splish splash . " paint cans are spilled and newspapers are buried , all in the name of formula . the end credits note that " no special visual effects were used in the basketball sequences of this motion picture . " that very well may be true , and although to see a dog sink shots is quite a sight , a movie cannot exist on feat alone . but " air bud " doesn't seem to be interested in anything else . a friend of mine insists he saw buddy a while back on a segment of david letterman's " stupid pet tricks . " i can't think of a more appropriate connection -- this movie is a stupid pet trick . a few months before the release of star wars episode 1 , the phantom menace , 20th century fox decides to release another space film , that is a complete rip off of star wars . what is the point of this ? i do not know , but i wish it hadn't been done , considering wing commander is definitely the year's worst film so far . to attract people to this horrible movie , they attached the full trailer for the phantom menace . wing commander will draw large crowds , because this is the only film where you can find the phantom menace full trailer attached at this time . the trailer for the phantom menace was certainly the best part of the movie experience i had tonight . many people do not know that wing commander is based on a star wars computer game . i found this very interesting , considering this fact almost says that wing commander is a star wars movie . it is nowhere near the level of the star wars films though . freddie prinze jr . stars in the film as christopher blair . wing commander was a huge mistake for freddie . this was definitely his worst performance to date . after january's she's all that , i actually saw a good actor in freddie , but now all those visions have been crushed . ( for now anyway . ) christopher blair is a pilot who is a part of the battle to stop the kilrathi , a group that is trying to destroy the earth . blair's parents also fought in the space battles , and also died there . his parents were pilgrims , so many people disrespect him because of this . blair is under the command of " angel " , played by saffron burrows , and he is friends with another pilot , todd " maniac marshall " , played by matthew lillard . matthew lillard seems to play the same role in every movie , and he does in this one too . his character as stu in 1996's scream ( a+ ) , was a great one , but now , it seems like that same role is being played again , only in a space movie . the three are just a small part of a large group trying to stop the kilrathi before they take over earth . this plot is very flimsy , and doesn't give a whole lot to work with at all . this explains why wing commander drags on , seeming like there is no point to any of the events that are going on . the acting is horrible in wing commander . many lines seem out of place , and are completely meaningless . the acting and dialogue was so terrible , i even found myself laughing at it . the other things which are very bad about wing commander are the special effects and the music . the special effects are very unrealistic . when looking at two ships flying side by side , it is simple to tell they are hanging and a blue screen is behind them . the explosions look very unrealistic as well . a ship will be blown up , but there will only be fire present four about one half of a second . this is very unrealistic . music pretty much accompanies the film the entire time . the music also felt like video game music , and it was very corny and annoying sounding . after we are given the plot , the film repeats itself for another hour , without any plot twists , interesting scenes , or anything important to the film . blair is forced to make jumps over other planets , and he must also fight against the kilrathi aircraft . for the entire length of the movie , it takes place in space . it is truly like you are in a video game , because you are just watching people shoot at each other in ships for a long , extended period of time . it's not much fun to watch at all . if i wanted to watch people shoot at each other in ships , i would go watch star wars at home . at least star wars pays attention to people , myth , feelings , and has some real plot to it . the bottom line- bring on the phantom menace 20th century fox ! bad movies described as " a swift descent into sinful pleasure , decay , and debauchery " are hard to watch . bad 2000's movies that resemble bad 1980s films are even harder to watch . shadow hours falls into the latter category , a mish-mashed train wreck of b-movie actors ( including michael dorn , aka star trek's worf ) , an uninteresting plot , vain attempts at capitalizing on the " underground " scenes of seedy los angeles , and really , really bad directing and horrendous music video-esque ballistic editing that was taught to me in film school right before i decided to drop out . the film revolves around the life of michael holloway ( balthazar getty ) who is trying to restart his life with his one-dimensional wife chloe ( rebecca gayheart ) after a nasty bout of drug and alcohol addictions . michael takes a job of working the graveyard shift at the local gas station and is bombarded by the ugliness and weirdness of the nightlife of l . a . one night , he meets a strange gent named stuart ( mr . buckaroo banzai , peter weller ) . he drives a porsche , smokes french cigarettes , and drones on about life , eventually coaxing mike into exploring the " underbelly " of l . a . together , a tour of punk bars , s&m clubs , and bare-knuckle fights . the film then throws in a murder mystery with a cop played peter greene , acting like he wants to get the chance at a reprisal of his role in the mask 2 . the film then simply dissolves into a cheap rip-off of dante's inferno mixed with an old stephen j . cannell television pilot . the pace of the film is jarring and utterly without focus . other horrors include the endless montages of people pumping gas and the charlie sheen , johnny depp , richard grieco-esque acting of balthazar getty . peter weller clearly knows his career is completely gone and doesn't give two shits about it . and after the cheap exploitation of bondage clubs , dance clubs , and brothels - damn , isn't anyone safe any more from the ugly eye of hollywood ! ? way back in 1984 , a great but crazy director named abel ferrara made his worse film and called it fear city . shadow hours reminds me of an almost perfect sequel . director/writer : isaac eaton producers : peter alevey , andrea mia , shon greenblatt , balthazar getty starring : balthazar getty , peter weller , rebecca gayheart , peter greene , frederic forrest , brad douriff , michael dorn bruce willis needs to stay away from straightforward action pictures . mercury rising adds to a growing list ( including such stinkers as the jackal , last man standing , striking distance and the last boy scout ) of stale actioners he has headlined . and though mercury rising tries to spice things up by throwing an autistic kid in the mix , it is every bit as stale . art jeffries ( bruce willis ) is your typical tormented fbi agent . you know the type , haunted by his job , yet so good at what he does that even physically assaulting another agent merely gets him a slap on the wrist . enter simon ( miko hughes ) , an autistic boy , who , like rain man and all other autistic people , is a savant . he can merely gaze at a super-encrypted message , and , while little computer beeps go off in his head , he can understand what it says . naturally , this talent has brought him to the attention of the federal government . lt . col . nicholas kudrow ( alec baldwin ) , an nsa official bubbling over with evil , has spent countless time and money implementing the newest " unbreakable " code , mercury . however , when two of his underlings ( robert stanton and bodhi pine elfman ) publish a mercury-encrypted message in a puzzle magazine as a final test of its effectiveness , simon cracks the code . naturally , this infuriates kudrow , who sends a terminator-like hitman ( l . l . ginter ) to eliminate the security hazard . and that's where art jeffries comes in . for some reason that's never explained in the film , the fbi is called in to help , and through a series of intricate machinations , art becomes the sole protector of the young autistic boy . in a few unrealistic sequences , he enlists the aid of a stranger , stacey ( kim dickens ) , to help out , but she is given very little to do overall . the central concept behind mercury rising is ludicrous . why bother trying to kill the kid . . . i mean , who would know ? it's not like the kid ( or anyone else for that matter ) knew he was cracking a government super-cypher . and even if he is eliminated , what does that help ? he's already proven that mercury can be broken . there's always the chance that someone else would crack it . . . but i guess without a kid in jeopardy , there's not much of a movie here . for all its faults , the film actually starts relatively well ( once you pass the painfully familiar teaser ) . the film flirts with developing real characters , and a semblance of a plot . . . then mr . terminator the hitman appears and everything begins going downhill . . . quickly . miko hughes does a decent job , for his age , at creating a touching performance . however , don't go to this film looking for any new insights into autism ( not that many people will ) . instead he merely becomes the latest unique partner in a routine buddy-cop movie ( think cop and a half . . . with a twist ! ) willis and baldwin are just overplaying to type . rather than creating a nuanced character , baldwin simply oozes sliminess . and for willis' part , he simply recycles the stock role of the loner cop/fbi agent ( which he has honed in the die hard series ) . as almost an afterthought , about halfway through , the film carelessly gives him a character trait ( an addiction ) , and then drops it in the next scene . but the biggest problem with mercury rising is the screenplay . this film wasn't well thought out at all . the film goes to extraordinary lengths to pad in as many convenient coincidences as possible . the carbon paper scene alone is unworthy of the most gullible audience member . at first the bad scenes just trickle in , but by the gruesomely bad finale they're a veritable flood . the film's few decent moments come in the form of bad jokes ( mainly from the geeks who developed the supercode ) . but they're not nearly enough to make the film worthwhile . mercury rising is a thriller that you're more likely to groan at than cheer . capsule : godawful " comedy " that's amazingly shabby and cut-rate , and rather bereft of laughs . i was having a bad week in my life when i saw austin powers : international man of mystery . i desperately needed something to cheer me up , or at least distract me so i could get a clear head . get some perspective . even dumb movies can do that for me , sometimes . i tried hard not to let my dejection affect my judgment , but i am certain now that austin powers would have also sucked rocks through bamboo shoots on the day i won the lottery . michael myers has taken a character that would barely have supported a five-minute sketch on saturday night live and stretched it to the length of a feature film , padding it out with toilet jokes and the sort of props-strategically-positioned-between-naked-actors-and-camera gags that benny hill got tired of fifteen years ago . the plot , what little there is of it : back in the swinging mod hep sixties ( i don't think i'm doing a disservice to the movie's attempted early look and feel by describing it that way ) , sexy british secret agent austin powers tangled with his nemesis dr . evil . evil launched himself into orbit and cryogenically forze himself to return decades later , when powers was out of the picture . powers also had himself frozen , and he wakes up to find the nineties a very hard time to deal with . the basic gag , that of powers' total inability to cope with the nineties , is not so much exhausted during the course of the movie as never even really dealt with . the bulk of the movie is taken up with dumb jokes of several basic rubrics : james bond gags ( of which this movie has no end , right down to the silly character names ) , inept slapstick , toilet humor , and strategically placed props . . . the movie's amazingly bereft of ideas , come to think of it , with a couple of bright exceptions . one is dr . evil's son -- there is a sidesplitting scene where father and son go to an encounter group , chaired by carrie fisher -- and the other is a throwaway gag where austin mimics various forms of transportation from behind a couch ( it's a visual gag -- hard to describe , and hard to recommend seeing the movie for ) . a lot of sixties kitsch has been resurrected and thrown on the screen for this movie , but it's desperate rather than clever . instead of skewering the whole thing , it's a rather bloodless and unfunny tribute . myers himself is also desperate : he's given an idea to play , not a character . plus , the attempts to make the character work by giving him a relationship with another sexy ( albeit " nineties " ) agent are a waste of time . i wanted to have the movie end with him trying yet again to get it on with her , only to have her deck him one . with a couple of exceptions , the movie misses all of its own best moments . the movie even looks cheesy , and not in a good way : i kept wondering if it had been transferred down from hi-def video or something , so grainy was the film stock in a good many scenes . the whole thing has the air of being done on the cheap . my definition of comedy is simply : did it make me laugh ? the few times that i laughed in austin powers were completely offset by the time i spent cringing and wanting out . the most damning thing i could say about the movie is that wayne and garth would most likely have shoved it into mike tyson's shorts and sent it sailing . battlefield earth is the worst film of 2000 , and i guarantee you that nothing else this year will even come close . in fact , i'll be surprised if i see anything this bad in the next ten years . based on the novel by scientology guru l . ron hubbard , battlefield earth begins and we immediately find out two pieces of key information . it's the year 3000 , and an alien race called the psychlos ( which sounds like a tag team of mexican wrestlers ) conquered our planet in nine minutes . ok , we are all of 10 seconds in and i have a zillion questions racing through my mind . when were we conquered ? the audience is led to believe that this happened about 1 , 000 years earlier , and if that is the case then we're going to get into a whole bunch of problems later ( trust me . . . keep reading ) . also , why don't we get to see earth get conquered ? how the hell do you make a popcorn sci-fi flick and not deliver the goods on the one event that sets up the film ? humans now live as cavemen or slave labor , and for the film's first act we focus on one particular cavemen group outside of denver , colorado . they grunt and groan and babble about monsters . so , when the psychlos conquered earth , were the only humans not captured a herd of newborn babies that crawled their way to safety in the hills ? none of these characters have any knowledge of the planet being conquered ( whenever that was ) . this is definitely not the way to start an action/sci-fi film . one of the humans wanders out into the wilderness and stumbles across what he thinks is a monster , and he begins to fight it . the " monster " turns out to be a dinosaur from an old miniature golf course . he turns around and sees all sorts of other characters from the golf course , with some shrubs growing over them . so , in 1 , 000 years this stupid little golf course has stood the test of time , with only a few weeds growing over it ? anyway , some of the humans are captured by the psychlos led by terl ( john travolta ) a smarmy and opportunistic alien planning on stealing a recently discovered gold deposit . the cavemen ( led by barry pepper ) are forced to do their bidding or whatever , but eventually they gain the upper hand and reclaim the planet , or something . so these cavemen are able to do what earth failed to do 1 , 000 years earlier ? and , we're supposed to believe that earth was conquered in nine minutes by a group of buffoonish aliens who can't even handle a few cavemen ? one of the ways the humans reclaim the planet is by taking control of abandoned air force jets and using them to fight the psychlos . so jets left unattended for 1 , 000 years are still able to fly ? please , if i leave my car unattended for two weeks i have to replace every fluid and hose under the hood . why did the psychlos leave jets around anyway ? shouldn't they have destroyed military installations during their massive nine minute campaign against us ? the psychlos refer to humans as " man animals " but yet dogs are still " dogs " . why aren't they " dog animals " ? the psychlos are after mining earth's precious resources , but for 1 , 000 years are unaware of fort knox ? why do i even care at this point ? i'm a fan of travolta's and i'm glad to see he's back on the a-list in hollywood ( despite the fact that he occasionally puts out crowd pleasing dreck like michael and phenomenon ) . but how did he possibly think this was a good movie ? and how did he think he was giving a good performance here ? he's more than capable of making a menacing villain ( see broken arrow and face/off ) but whenever his character came on screen i couldn't hold back my laughter . now despite the different facial features members of this alien race seem to have , travolta just looks like travolta . all of the other aliens have weird foreheads or other pointy bones on their face , but travolta just has a goatee . also , travolta's acts with a sort of phony upper-class snooty accent and constantly whines about bureaucratic nonsense back on his home world . ooooo , scary villain . as a producer he should know better and as an actor he should definitely know better . you can make a dumb but good sci-fi film ( i love independence day for example ) , but there is absolutely nothing entertaining about battlefield earth . i did everything i possibly could to stay awake during the screening . . . i cleaned my glasses , walked around the theater , made a grocery list , chose my lottery numbers for the week , replayed super bowl xxv in my head ( with commercials ) . . . and still was compelled to scrutinize the insides of my eyelids . by the time we actually reach the year 3000 , people should still be avoiding this film . folks , save your cash . . don't go see it , don't rent it , and don't buy it . you'd be more entertained by taking the money you'd use for this movie and just throwing it into the wind , watching it sail away ( hell , send it to us here at the jacksonville film journal . . . we'll entertain you plenty with that kind of money ) . unless of course you're just captivated by countless slow motion shots of barry pepper running , which is just about all you'll come away with from this movie . that , and a headache . [editor's note : for some reason though , the day after my screening i converted to scientology . i'm not sure why . . . something just made me feel compelled make the choice . ] jet li busted onto the american action movie scene , when he stole the show in 1998's lethal weapon 4 , with his wicked looks , his nasty moves and his undeniable charisma . it only took another two years for mega-producer joel silver to set him up in an all-american movie , primed to take over some of the empty action-hero seats left by alleged coke-head van damme and that pudgy guy named steven seagal . would this film take li past his rival asian action counterparts , namely chow yun-fat and jackie chan ? let's find out . plot : rival chinese and black gangster organizations fall further out of favor from one another , when members of their respective families start turning up dead . that's when badass jet li blasts into the picture to find out who the men were behind his brother's death and to exact some of his own style of revenge . critique : three words : not enough action ! simple enough ? not enough hong kong kickass jet li action to compensate for a horribly predictable screenplay , bad actors , crappy dialogue and oh-so many over-the-top melodramatic moments . and a romance angle ? why , one must ask . . . why ? i love fight scenes and i really dig jet li too , but this little ditty barely contained three memorable action sequences , and jet , well , the poor dude was barely in the movie . and i thought this was supposed to be his big break ? how 'bout giving the slickster some more opportunities to show us his kung-fu fighting chops , slap him in a few more scenes , and give him more chances to practice his acting/english abilities ? what a letdown . even black mask was more entertaining than this glossed up , empty shell of a film . in fact , i am sure that more time was spent gathering the " hits " for the soundtrack of this film , than were on the so-called " screenplay " . i felt like i was watching a soundtrack rather than a movie most of the time . the sad part about the bad script is that it wouldn't matter so much if the film actually had some decent actors spouting out the tacky lines . but no , save lindo and aaliyah , who weren't too shabby , i thought the rest of the cast was picked primarily from their inability to deliver lines convincingly . and what was the deal with the whole nfl franchise deal run by some 15-year old looking guy , acting like he's the overlord of a drug ring ? ! what a mess . then again , i don't want it to seem like i'm complaining solely about the story which was completely foreseeable , since we all go to see these movies for the action anyway , not the story . well , i guess that's what disappointed me the most out of this film . there were a couple of cool fight scenes with li , but simply not enough to satisfy my overall craving . also , as much as i love the way they incorporate wires and special effects in some of their stunts , a couple of the exaggerated fight scenes were simply too obvious a stunt . it should be seamless , fellas , not necessarily against the laws of gravity ! the one cool thing that was original in the movie was the way in which the director showed us some of the inside cracklings of the human body when penetrated by a blow , but that simple creative touch couldn't save the rest of this film's uninteresting plot movements . i'm disappointed for jet li that this film didn't give him the real opportunity to star in a good story with many great action scenes . hopefully , the next time will be a charm for this charismatic actor . for now , i just hope that for his sake , the film's title isn't a premonition of the movie's ultimate fate at the box-office . one night , during a torrential downpour that flooded the streets , we went to see -- what else -- hard rain . " so , are we all going to die ? " the sheriff ( randy quaid ) asks in the story's opening line as he evacuates his flooded town . the answer is pretty much yes , but not nearly soon enough . and to add insult to injury , the supposedly dead , regretfully , often turn out not to be so . populating this bad tv-movie-of-the-week material are a host of talented actors . one can only hope they were rewarded handsomely for acting in this hopelessly muddled picture . besides the obvious hardships of acting most scenes while dog paddling in the water , they will all receive black marks on their records for appearing in this dismal movie . graham yost's script serves up one cliche after another for the actors , who thankfully managed to mumble quite a few of the lines . director mikael salomon's staging is so confusing that you may have trouble figuring out what is happening . the befuddled presentation is exacerbated by peter menzies , jr . 's dark and ugly cinematography . the plot concerns an armored car that gets stuck in the raging water . onboard are guards tom and his uncle charlie . christian slater , who is much better in his tender roles as in untamed heart , plays tom . edward asner drops by briefly to take on the role of the soon to be dead charlie . coming to their " rescue " is a gang headed by jim , played on autopilot by the great actor morgan freeman . he views the loot , three million dollars worth , as his retirement plan . the entire movie is one big watery chase with the sheriff and his posse tracking jim and his gang , who are in turn after tom . along the way , tom picks up a love interest in the person of a crucifix-weapon wielding woman named karen , played in a totally wasted performance by minnie driver . the action sequences are repetitive and without much interest . they do feature lots of explosions and gunfire to keep you awake . christopher young's emotionless score for the film has a single trait , ear-shattering loudness . the plot holes are as big as the ones in the dam that breaks , submerging the town . the characters have an infinite number of bullets and rarely do they have to bother reloading their guns . the weapons and the ammunition spend most of the time under water or being rained on but always fire perfectly . when one of the bad guys drops a gun into the water , it stays in the same place until much later when tom swims to get it , even though the swift water is so strong it is uprooting large trees . counting these improbabilities is one of the more enjoyable ways to spend your time as you wait for the characters to kill each other . the show has a single , but unprintable , good line . betty white plays an incessantly bossy wife , and , when her hen-pecked husband finally told her off , our audience roared with laughter . the show concludes with a sickening set of twists . the best that can be said of the picture is that it is merely stupefyingly awful as opposed to laughably bad . hard rain runs 1 : 37 . it is rated r for violence and would be fine for teenagers . ( the two families behind us shockingly had a half-dozen preschoolers among them . ) it was with a huge lack of something to do that i decided to watch this on good old upn on sunday afternoon , when the only good things on tv are the second-rate movies they show ( some are good : they showed " total recall " before this one ) . if you know me , i think seagal is probably the most boring action star to ever live . and this includes keanu reeves . what do i hate about seagal ? i hate how he uses one facial expression for every single threatening and non-threatening situation ( the squint ) . i hate those scenes in every movie where he goes around , bullying people up , saying stupid lines with a brooklyn accent more fake than burt reynold's hairpiece in " boogie nights . " i despise how he never gets a bruise in any of his fights . i hate how every single plot twist leads to just a melodramatic fight between he and the chief villain . i hate his non-satirical messages ( in the beginning of this one , he slaps on a quote from arthur miller , which has nothing to do with the film , except it's about brooklyn where this film takes place ) . and i hate how he's so narcissistic that he thinks that he can actually fucking sing ( during the end credits , he has a good old hill billy rock tune sung and penned by him ) . sure , the guy's probably a nice guy in person ( i actually found him very non-threatening when he was on letterman not too long ago ) . but the guy makes worse films than reagan did . so what's the plot of this shit-terpiece ? well . . . something about him trying to catch a stupid-ass crook ( william forsythe ) who shot and killed his partner in broad daylight . i couldn't believe how bad this scene was - the guy was conveniently with his family so we get the maximum emotional effect ( ahem ! ) . and forsythe even said some stupid lines to him before he took off . i'm sorry , did anyone ever hear of concealing one's self ? so in comes ex-brooklynite seagal , who dedicates his life to catching this guy . and i just wished he had caught him in the beginning , then ended the film . but noooo , this drags on , as he bullies forsythe's family members ( including a stupid bar-owner , and none other than gina gershon as his other bar-owner sister ) . and forsythe more than once threatens his family . at one point , he actually comes to their house and stalks them like a non-threatening nicholson in " the shining " ( complete with them all hiding in the bathroom , but with an added bonus of one girl conveniently loosing her cool and screaming to give them away ) . seagal paints himself as a lovable person , with a son , and a fiancee . he even shows him hanging with his son , checking up on his homework , and then about to take him out for a bit of " catch , " when he's conveniently called away on assignment . i dunno about you , but playing " catch " with seagal was one of my childhood nightmares . he also shows him as that bad-ass he wants to be , with scenes of him bullying crooks around , and taking out people who are stupid enough to attack him even after he's unarmed a chinese guy swinging bats with a pool cue . serves them right . this film , as some of his do , has an interesting supporting cast of actors who are actually talented , but don't appear to be in this film . i already mentioned gina gershon ( who's pretty horrible in this one ) , as well as william forsythe , who over-acts terribly . i know this guy can act : he was awesome in " raising arizona " as goodman's partner in crime . but he's just awful here . jerry orbach gives the only credible performance in the film as the police chief who checks up on segal after things have gone down . why is he the only one who gives a good performance ? well , because his role is small enough and sporadic enough to not tarnish his credibility . he seems to be in here just to give it a cool " law and order " feeling ( even if it's not a " cool " feeling ) . and in cameos are b-rated erotic-thriller-cinemax-style stars , shannon whirry ( as " terry malloy , " which is more of a bad joke than a clever one ) and athena massey . oh ! and " er " 's julliana margiulles has two scenes . " out for justice " just proves once again that american action films just suck . i know that there's such a good thing as good action - he's called john woo . but if you're in the mood for some good old no-brainer , fun-yet-dumb action , don't bother watching this . it's so stupid that it's boring . vampires starts out almost in the style of a spaghetti western with an attack on a small homestead in new mexico . the house has a nest of vampires and jack crow ( james woods ) is leading a team of vampire hunters in to clean them out . while the initial imagery is a little over-dramatic , it gives way to what is a fairly decent action sequence . that is enough action to last us a while and we could , director john carpenter would let us , get to a story line . but it is not very long and there is not much plot until the next big action scene . then there is only a bit more of plot before the next action scene after that . the plot is kept to a minimum and the interesting ideas in the plot really get the short end . and that is something of a pity because the film , based on the book vampire$ by john steakley , gives us a myth for the origins of vampires and explains why vampires are so intertwined with religious imagery . this could be an interesting departure from the standard vampire film , but carpenter decides to tell us about it rather than to show it . what carpenter saves his serious screen time for a sequence of spectacular fights between hunters and vampires . there is a lot of fighting and lots of gore . anything intriguing is kept to a minimum to so it does not get in the way of pleasing the action film fans . this has not always been carpenter's style . his 1981 version of the thing has action but also challenges the viewer to do a little thinking about the film's central science fictional question . jack crow heads a vampire swat team , cleaning up nests of vampires with high-tech spears and crossbows . in the early part of the film his team is wiped out by a particularly mean vampire valek ( thomas ian griffith ) who has been tipped off to who crow is . now crow team is gone and he is down to himself and his sidekick tony montoya ( daniel baldwin ) . to make matters worse , he does not know the people on his own side , tony and his backers , he can trust . meanwhile jack is sure the vampires are looking for something that must be hidden somewhere here in new mexico . if this is sounding like a very tired police corruption plot with a few obvious substitutions , that's exactly what it is . the same story looks just as well with two partner cops looking for a gang of hood who are themselves looking for a packet of heroin . but carpenter goes against a familiar principle of film : show people , don't tell them . just about everything in the plot other than the fights we are told about in the dialog and not shown . fundamental questions in the plot like where does crow get his funding , why are the vampires in new mexico--what do they want and why do they want it , what is the connection of the vampires and the catholic church , how did crow come to be a vampire hunter and why devote his life to it ? the answers to any of these questions could have been dramatized , but instead are revealed through dialog . now if all this was not bad enough , carpenter misuses the james wood persona . woods plays a particular sort of cool lowlife very well . but carpenter leads off the film by having woods do some sergio-leone- style mythic posturing . while his crew prepares for an attack he stands staring fixedly through shades at the house that will be his target . woods does not work as a larger than life mythic hero . that is not his style and it just does not work very well . there are some simple things that carpenter should be looking for as director that he misses . in one scene we are looking at a motel room with dead people on the floor . one female corpse is on the floor in front of a chair so that there is about an inch of daylight between her and the chair . as the actress breathes the gap widening and narrowing makes it obvious her arm is moving up and down . one also wonders how the existence of vampires is kept secret . these vampires do not maintain a low profile . there are arguably logical flaws in the film . there is some question in my mind whether carpenter has a consistent policy on what effect bullets have on vampires . it would take some rationalization to explain why in some scenes sunlight has a dramatic effect on vampires , yet in a scene toward the end a vampire can walk under a burned roof that lets him be swept by beams of sunlight . i suspect that the book on which this film was based was better thought out . while i might recommend this film to an action audience i would say that what i look for in a vampire film vampires rates a 4 on the 0 to 10 scale and a 0 on the -4 to +4 scale . perhaps i will read the book . when considering david fincher's latest film , " the game " , four words come to mind . " don't believe the hype . " this michael douglas vehicle , from the director of " seven " , isn't nearly as clever or innovatively suspenseful as it would have us believe . the film draws us in with an intriguing concept ( aided no doubt by the riveting trailer ) where a jaded millionaire ( douglas ) is presented with the opportunity to enter into a living fantasy . this isn't simply virtual reality . this is real life with a deadly twist . on his 48th birthday , nicholas van orton ( douglas ) is invited to dinner by his underachieving younger brother , conrad ( sean penn ) . conrad has a special birthday present for his brother . he hands nicholas a gift certificate and tells him to contact a company called consumer recreation services . " they make your life fun , " conrad tells him . nicholas humors his brother , telling him he'll call , but it's clear he has no time for any foolish , " fantasy role-playing , " as he calls it . then , for reasons that are never really made clear , nicholas decides to go to crs and see what they're all about . he ends up spending a whole day going through their screening process , which to me made no sense considering the tight schedule he keeps claiming to have . nevertheless , when it seems nicholas has been rejected as a crs client , the weird things start happening . of course , when we've only covered about 30 minutes of screen time , what else should we expect . douglas has built his modern career around playing powerful , violent and unlikable men being manipulated by unseen hands . one of those films , " basic instinct " , came from the creative minds of writer , joe eszterhas and director , paul verhoeven . the premise of " the game , " is not unlike the concept of another verhoeven film , " total recall . " in that case , the premise was implanting someone else's memories as a way to enhance one's own life through a dream vacation . yet , in both films , the real goal is to create a vicarious bond with the audience . we live the adventure along with the protagonist , reacting to each twist and turn . in theory , the key to the suspense is not being to tell what is real and what isn't . all we can do is hang on until the end of the ride , when the truth is finally revealed . now , for those of you who forgot , let me say this again . " don't believe the hype . " " the game " is not a thrilling roller coaster ride . as a suspense-thriller , it doesn't do much but spin in circles . by the third reel , i was fighting back sleep and checking my watch as i endured the predictable plot . is it any wonder douglas won't be able to resist the charms of a mysterious , potentially life-threatening blonde ( ever heard of glenn close ? no ? well , how about sharon stone ? thought so ) . if anything in this film surprises you at all , i would guess you haven't seen that many films . there is no suspense here . trust me , i looked hard to find some . i had to settle for contrived gimmicks and ridiculously implausible situations . fincher aim's for hitchcock but lands somewhere just north of joe eszterhas . there are those that might say " the game " is not intended to be viewed literally . i would submit that is exactly the way i tried to view the film . the film simply does not have the teeth to bite into any real psychological issues . there is a moment early in the film where van orton , realizing his game has begun , smiles as he walks through the airport trying to figure out who's in on the whole thing . he is charged by his paranoia . he is looking at the world through new eyes . it is the last thought-provoking moment in the film . from there on , the director only wants to stay a step ahead of us . any significant archetype that is set up in the beginning of the film is simply turned into a plot device . at the outset , we're told each " game " is tailored to the individual . ultimately , this " game " is supposed to work like a crucible , trying this obscenely wealthy and emotionally detached aristocrat by fire , proving his soul . yet , as douglas endures his personal gauntlet , we're given very few pieces of the puzzle to illuminate us on who this man really is . i wanted to like this film more than i did . i look at it as just anothergreat idea , poorly realized . i can think of at least two other superior films where watching the film didn't mean we were seeing what was really happening . bryan singer's " the usual suspects " for one , a film that was truly unique in its ability to get you lost in the details before pulling back to show you the full masterpiece on the canvas . also , there is the underrated " jacob's ladder , " with tim robbins , a film that really has to be watched twice before you recognize the significance of all its symbolism . here are two examples of films that don't simply manipulate for manipulations' sake . there are films that use their labyrinth structure to lead us to a meaningful place . one major issue that comes up in " the game " is whether or not the whole " illusion " is just a highly sophisticated con game . well , i can tell you right now , after you've spent your $7 dollars , you may be asking yourself the same thing . weighed down by tired plot lines and spielberg's reliance on formulas , _saving private ryan_ is a mediocre film which nods in the direction of realism before descending into an abyss of cliches . there ought to be a law against steven spielberg making movies about truly serious topics . spielberg's greatest strength as a director is the polished , formulaic way in which every aspect of the film falls carefully into place to make a perfect story . but for a topic of such weight as combat in the second world war ( or the holocaust ) this technique backfires , for it creates coherent , comprehensible and redemptive narratives out of events whose size , complexity and evil are utterly beyond the reach of human ken . in this way spielberg trivializes the awesome evil of the stories he films . _saving private ryan_ tells the story of eight men who have been detailed on a " pr mission " to pull a young man , ryan ( whose three other brothers were just killed in fighting elsewhere ) out of combat on the normandy front just after d-day . ryan is a paratrooper who dropped behind enemy lines the night before the landings and became separated from his fellow soldiers . the search for him takes the eight soldiers across the hellish terrain of world war ii combat in france . there's no denying spielberg came within shouting distance of making a great war movie . the equipment , uniforms and weapons are superbly done . the opening sequence , in which captain miller ( tom hanks ) leads his men onto omaha beach , is quite possibly the closest anyone has come to actually capturing the unendurably savage intensity of modern infantry combat . another pleasing aspect of the film is spielberg's brave depiction of scenes largely unknown to american audiences , such as the shooting of prisoners by allied soldiers , the banality of death in combat , the routine foul-ups in the execution of the war , and the cynicism of the troops . the technical side of the film is peerless , as always . the camera work is magnificent , the pacing perfect , the sets convincing , the directing without flaw . hanks will no doubt be nominated for an oscar for his performance , which was utterly convincing , and the supporting cast was excellent , though ted danson seems a mite out of place as a paratroop colonel . yet the attempt at a realistic depiction of combat falls flat on its face because realism is not something which can be represented by single instances or events . it has to thoroughly permeate the context at every level of the film , or the story fails to convince . throughout the movie spielberg repeatedly showed only single examples of the grotesque wounds produced by modern mechanized devices ( exception : men are shown burning to death with relative frequency ) . for example , we see only one man with guts spilled out on the ground . here and there men lose limbs ; in one scene miller is pulling a man to safety , there's an explosion , and miller looks back to see he is only pulling half a man . but the rest of the corpses are remarkably intact . there are no shoes with only feet in them , no limbs scattered everywhere , no torsos without limbs , no charred corpses , and most importantly , all corpses have heads ( in fairness there are a smattering of wicked head wounds ) . the relentless dehumanization of the war , in which even corpses failed to retain any indentity , is soft-pedaled in the film . ultimately , _saving private ryan_ bows to both hollywood convention and the unwritten rules of wartime photography in its portrayal of wounds and death in war . rather than saying _saving private ryan_ is " realistic , " it would be better to describe it as " having realistic moments . " another aspect of the " hollywoodization " of the war is the lack of realistic dialogue and in particular , the lack of swearing . anyone familiar with the literature on the behavior of the men during the war , such as fussell's superb _wartime : understanding and behavior in the second world war_ ( which has an extensive discussion on swearing ) , knows that the troops swore fluently and without letup . " who is this private ryan that we have to die for him ? " asks one infantrymen in the group of eight . rendered in wartime demotic , that should have been expressed as " who is this little pecker that we have to get our dicks shot off for him ? " or some variant thereof . conversations should have been literally sprinkled with the " f " word , and largely about ( the search for ) food and sex . this is all the more inexplicable because the movie already had an " r " rating due to violence , so swearing could not possibly have been eliminated to make it a family film . however , the most troubling aspect of the film is the spielbergization of the topic . the most intense hell humans have ever created for themselves is not emotionally wrenching enough for steven spielberg . he cannot just cede control to the material ; he has to be bigger than it . as if afraid to let the viewer find their own ( perhaps unsettled and not entirely clear ) emotional foothold in the material , spielberg has to package it in hallmark moments to give the war a meaning and coherence it never had : the opening and closing scenes of ryan and his family in the war cemetary ( reminscent of the closing scene from _schindler's list ) , the saccharine exchange between ryan and his wife at the close ( every bit as bad as schindler's monologue about how his car , tiepin or ring could have saved another jew ) , quotes from abraham lincoln and emerson , captain miller's last words to private ryan , and an unbelievable storyline in which a prisoner whom they free earlier in the movie comes back to kill the captain . that particular subplot is so hokey , so predictable , it nigh on ruins the film . nowhere in the film is there a resolute depiction of the meaninglessness , stupidity and waste which characterized the experience of war to the men who actually fought in combat ( imagine if miller had been killed by friendly fire or collateral damage ) . because of its failure to mine deeply into the terrible realities of world war ii , _saving private ryan_ can only pan for small truths in the shallows . . if you're going to make a two-hour hollywood in-joke , why bother releasing it to the general public ? if you're going to create a film that will appeal primarily to big-name actors and people who know woody allen , then why waste the time of the rest of us peons by playing it in theaters ? while watching celebrity , i realized that allen had only marginal interest in creating a story about real people . what he really wanted to do was continue on his recent kick of conceited self-deprecation . celebrity is yet another film in which allen tells a story about himself , living in a world that he's familiar with , dealing with people like the ones he actually knows . allen recruited poor kenneth branagh to bumble through this picture , in an imitation of allen so perfect that it almost made me like the film more . branagh plays lee simon , a journalist-turned-screenwriter who divorces his wife , robin ( judy davis ) , shacks up with some hot women ( famke janssen , charlize theron , winona ryder ) , and goes about trying to get big stars ( melanie griffith , leonardo dicaprio ) to read his script about an armored car robbery . the usual elements of recent allen films are all here , including the sexual insecurity of the main character , lots of self-loathing women , and a tiring continuum of episodes that are only loosely related to one another . unless you work in the film industry or know woody allen personally , it's not likely that you'll find a whole lot of interest in celebrity . aside from all the in-jokes , the story falls far short of compelling , and the characters are all empty and lifeless . branagh proves once again that he's a superb performer , nailing his imitation of allen flawlessly . the problem is that he's the same character allen always plays , a character who's getting more than a little dull to watch . i mean , come on , how many times have you seen this guy ? -- he hates his work , and he can't be satisfied by any one woman , and , at the end of the movie , nothing has been solved . he brings all of his problems upon himself ( crashing his car because he's receiving fellatio , and other such stunts ) , so it's pretty hard to care about him . in addition , isn't allen capable of creating characters who aren't just like him ? i know he is , but he didn't do it in celebrity . the vacant emotional attachment with the main character is not recaptured in the supporting performances . davis , playing the same woman with low self-esteem that she played in deconstructing harry , has a few touching moments , but ends up the same despicable celebrity-type that fills the rest of the movie . some of the actresses are saved because of their beauty -- theron and ryder , especially -- but they're not likable people . only famke janssen , as a book editor interested in simon's new novel , has any life . the men in the picture don't do much better -- joe mantegna is pretty dull as the man who remarries robin , while dicaprio , as a christian slater/johnny depp-type spoiled young actor , is funny but disengaging . what's really insulting about celebrity is how dull and standard its " themes " are . allen seems to think that he's making an insightful movie about the way " normal " people look at celebrities . the main problem with this is that the character with whom we're supposed to identify , simon , is not a " normal " guy -- he's just as entrenched in the hollywood image as the rest of the characters . the other problem is that the image we get of these celebrities is no more enlightening than the view the media gives us -- none of them register as realistic , interesting characters ; they mostly just function as set pieces for boring dialogue . in addition , allen decides he needs a scene in which the theme is expressed explicitly ( robin , in this scene , says something like , " it's interesting to see the way we all look at the people we celebrate ! " ) . celebrity is arguably allen's biggest misfire to date . it does have a few good scenes -- theron's super-orgasmic model character is kind of funny , and the last scene might have been moving had the rest of the film shown us a character or two . but celebrity is a failure at the core , unless allen's point was to make a self-indulgent movie about himself and his friends . if he wanted to make his audience feel like they were on the outside of a big joke , then he succeeded in that . i , for one , don't enjoy feeling like an outsider . it used to be that not just anyone could become a vampire . usually , you had to be an aristocrat - a count such as dracula or karnstein . to qualify , you'd have to have a modicum of sophistication , so you'd at least look cool - or suave - when biting into some young damsel's throat . but today , in our overly politically correct world , any scuzzy-looking , long-haired , unshaven lout or any spiked-haired harridans can put the bite on you . by the same token , to be a vampire hunter , one had to have some sort of medical training and knowledge of the occult or maybe perhaps be some sort of professional soldier , or at least one who retired with honors . not in these times . all you need are some sharp weapons , some bullets forged from silver and any yahoo can be a buffy - or a blade . without sounding elitist , the fear of vampires has greatly diminished because of this lack of exclusivity . which brings us to blade , the latest in a long line of vampire movies in which , it seems , half the population is putting the bite on the other half . not only are there thousands of vampires , but they seem to move from city to city , pay off police departments and , most importantly , establish their own exclusive after-hours raves in which the highlight is the sprinkler system going off and dousing all the occupants in a blood shower . with all that blood , you wonder why they have to hunt for victims . you also wonder when they get the time to get their clothes dry-cleaned and why no cleaner ever complains about all the bloodstains . blade , which is based on a marvel comic book character , is , like a comic book , all visual . the plot is basically blade repetitiously slashing his way through the vampire army seeking their leader , deacon frost . it's all hokum and nonsense , of course . but the filmmakers play it straight . unfortunately , at least at the advance screening i attended , the audience didn't see it that way and laughed through much of the proceedings . you know a movie is in trouble when the scenes of blood and gore that should elicit screams of fright instead evoke peels of laughter . another tell-tale sign is when the audience seems to be admiring the hero's costume more than the hero . also it seems it's not enough for today's vampire merely to have fangs . he must also be proficient in the martial arts . why a supernatural being , one of the undead , needs such skills is beyond me . ( of course , this concept dates to the 1974 hammer films-run run shaw production of legend of the seven golden vampires , in which dracula is defeated by seven karate-chopping siblings . ) wesley snipes is buff as blade . he growls his lines -the few he has - and spends most of the time glowering - as if he was suffering from indigestion or having second thoughts about starring in and co-producing this turkey . blade is just another example of how the vampire film , a once honorable member of the horror family , has gone downhill . this dud mostly makes you yearn for those quaint old days when christopher lee could be stopped just by dangling a crucifix in his face . today's vampires lack the panache , the style of a bela lugosi or a christopher lee . they are not even worthy enough to carry those great bloodsuckers' capes . they are more farcical than frightful . this whole enterprise is one dull blade that could have used lots of sharpening . hav plenty , as we are told in the beginning and reminded during the film , is a true story . life itself is a series of true stories , but most are not movie material . as scripted , directed , and acted by cinematic newcomer christopher scott cherot , hav plenty limps along at best . its dialog is so stilted - " you know what they say , 'no women ; no cry . ' " - that the actors are content to read the screenplay rather than invest much energy in trying to act it . in the story , lee plenty ( cherot ) is a 28-year-old author and teaching assistant . the movie , which happens mainly over the new year's holiday , consists of a series of incidents in which various single and married women try to kiss lee or take him to bed . since he consistently refuses , caroline gooden ( tammi katherine jones ) figures that he must be gay . eventually he and havilland " hav " savage ( chenoa maxwell ) get together , proving that he wasn't gay after all , just picky . sexy women can sit on his lap and ask him to go to bed with them , but he will not even kiss them . he's a man who knows his mind , which he frequently shares directly with the audience in a series of trite and overly cute monologues . filled with wealthy african-americans , the story is closest in tone to love jones , which was better . hav plenty's story doesn't go anywhere . at the end it subjects us to lee plenty's new film , which is a movie of the movie we've just seen , but with even worse acting . " remember folks that , as outrageous as this all seems , this is a true story . " hav tells the camera , but the problem is that it's not outrageous at all or even the least bit interesting . hav plenty isn't so much a bad film as it is a total waste of the audience's time . hav plenty runs 1 : 32 . it is rated r for profanity and would be fine for most teenagers . it seems that i've stopped enjoying movies that should be fun to watch . take payback , for example , a movie that most people seem to like . however , it's horrible schlock , straight out of hollywood's vast talent for sucking creativity out of movies . it was written and directed by a guy who should have done better ; however , maybe he did do better , after all , 30 percent of the movie isn't his own . mel gibson , that hollywood zombie , decided he didn't like the ending and had another director reshoot it . what a crock . if you sign on to do a movie , then do it the way the script calls for . why film a movie and then look at it later and say , - no , i changed my mind , i don't like the ending . you're fired . let's get someone else to do it . - i suppose honor is dead in hollywood . the end of the film is , of course , hollywoodized . which is to say that it's happy and the guy you root for beats impossible odds to win his prize . in this case , as is most victories in hollywood movies , gibson's prize is a blond and money . i miss originality in film , i really do . i think audiences are so starved for it that they'll flop down a lot of money in hopes that a movie will be original . payback's tagline - get ready to root for the bad guy - promised an original idea , but it was far from the truth . while gibson's character certainly broke the law , he was a character that had honor ( odd that gibson himself seems to have very little of it ) , wouldn't kill in front of children and protects his blond woman . there's nothing bad about him - he's a hollywood character , a person who could never exist in real life . and gibson knows it - he spends his time trying to act like a " bad guy " , and instead comes off as pretentious and arrogant . the story involves gibson being double-crossed by his partner ( who is a real bad guy , which made me wish that we could root for him ) over $70 , 000 . gibson recovers from multiple gunshots , is pissed ( naturally ) , and will do whatever it takes to get the exact amount of money back - no more , no less . he makes a point of it that it's strictly 70 grand . a real bad guy would have made his ex-partner pay 25% interest . this idea is completely stretched out . gibson ends up going after his partner and the chicago mafia that his partner is affiliated with . what i didn't understand - this is the chicago mafia . $70 , 000 is like spare change to them . they'd probably just pay the guy rather than go through the trouble of dealing with him . i think they'd respect a guy going through this much trouble for a simple $70 , 000 . maybe i'm being too hard on the movie . perhaps the filmmakers were just trying to make a simple popcorn movie . i read roger ebert's review and he liked gibson in the role because he is a comic at heart playing a bad guy . that's why we're allowed to root for him . and it's true - gibson walks the movie as if he's smiling at a joke he just heard . but he's wrong here . i wanted a lee marvin or old-time clint eastwood or somebody who wasn't a comic , just an ass kicker . as a side note , i've just checked the internet movie database and discovered that i am the 38th person to post a newsgroup review of payback . after this many reviews , why would anyone want to read this ? really , i don't care . i'm just trying to gain membership into the on-line film critics society by posting as many reviews as i can . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . " quick , robin ! the anti-shark repellant ! " - adam west in the 1966 batman feature film , casually kicking at a pathetic-looking rubber shark attached to his leg i had never thought that an entry in the modern incarnation of the batman feature film would approach this level of campiness , but in many instances batman and robin nears , and at some point even exceeds this standard . this is a disasterously bad film , easily the worst in the series to date , and fairly epitomizes a cinematic definition of the word excessive - it's loud , garish , and obnoxious , with pointless , gratuitous action sequences and set pieces which clutter up the screen with elaborate production design to the point of overkill . batman and robin features the caped crusaders ( george clooney debuting as batman , with chris o'donnell returing as robin ) squaring off against another bevy of chemically-induced villains - the nefarious ice-cold mr . freeze ( arnold schwarzenegger ) , armed with a weapon which freezes everything in its sights , and the slinky poison ivy ( uma thurman ) , who has the ability to blow powerful love dust into the faces of men in order so that they will fall helplessly in love with her ( not that the dust is really necessary to accomplish this result , but whatever ) , and then dispatch them with a poisoned kiss . by ivy's side is the giant steroid monster bane ( jeep swanson ) , a grunting hulk of a beast . the villains' goals are noble ones - freeze steals diamonds to power his climate suit ( in order to keep his body temperature at zero degrees ) , so that he can survive in order to devise a cure for his beloved wife ( vendela ) , dying of a degenerative disease and frozen in suspended animation , and ivy's intent is to restore the dominance of plant life on earth , albeit by destroying all human life . meanwhile , on the homefront , life at wayne manor is thrown into upheaval by the illness of butler alfred pennyworth ( michael gough ) , and the arrival of his niece barbara ( alicia silverstone ) . akiva goldsman's screenplay for the film is ridiculous and laughably bad , with astonishingly terrible dialogue , lame jokes , and an awful by-the-number plot which simply coasts along and fails to generate any genuine excitement . it makes goldsman's screenplay of batman forever , which i thought was dreadful , look positively inspired in comparison . i am still astonished that a cheesy plot device which i'd seen used in - no joke - an episode of gilligan's island somehow make its way into a multimillion dollar blockbuster production . joel schumacher's direction of batman and robin is horrific , with a terrible balance of flashiness over substance . there is a clear conceit towards neon in this film , even moreso than with his previous batman forever , with the revamped batcave helpfully sporting gigantic glowing emblems for the dynamic duo ( just in case , i suppose , if they ever happen to forget that the batcave is the headquarters of batman and robin ) , and with neon prominently figuring in an utterly-pointless fight sequence with bane and a street gang over ivy's chosen new abode . another action sequence which fails to serve any useful point other than to chew up five minutes of screentime involves an incredibly uninvolving late-night motorcycle race with barbara and some gotham goons . mr . schumacher's focus for batman and robin appears to be to make the film as visually striking as possible , to the detriment of the story - there are drastic shifts in the tone of the film between all-out camp and heartfelt drama , with the latter completely unconvincing and ineffective . it is perhaps not the most promising of signs when the group i was with burst out laughing within twenty seconds of the film's opening , even before a single line of dialogue had been uttered . is batman and robin supposed to be campy ? i think it is - it's hard to imagine that the filmmakers could have intended many parts of the film to be taken at all seriously . ( one of my favourites was when bane helpfully grunted " bomb ! " each time he laid down an explosive device in the gotham observatory . ) is it supposed to be as overly campy as it turned out to be ? i somehow doubt it - the subplot involving afred is delivered so solemnly and with such graveness that the impression is made that the film isn't attempting to be the utter farce which it is . arnold schwarzenegger is top-billed in the film as the villainous mr . freeze , and is bland and uninteresting , perhaps the worst thing that a villain can be . mr . schwarzenegger's attempts to be menacing are laughable , and his attempts at conveying pathos are laughable ; frankly , everything he does onscreen is laughable . by the end of the film , i was stifling a chuckle every time he simply appeared onscreen . the bulk of his performance consists of uttering near-unintelligble puns and one-liners featuring every possible permutation of " cool ! " in the least inventive way . george clooney has been given very little to do in batman and robin , being overshadowed by the villains , and consequently he looks rather uncomfortable in the film . his batman is hardly an imposing figure . chris o'donnell is unimpressive in a one-note performance , while alicia silverstone lackadasically fails to make any impression at all . the film's one saving grace ? undoubtably uma thurman's entertaining performance as sexy villainess poison ivy . her work in batman and robin is certainly over-the-top , but in a controlled fashion which works splendidly within the tone of the film . ms . thurman's comic timing is impeccable , and reminds us that it takes skilled performers to make campiness work successfully . ( i'm already starting to positively reassess jim carrey's performance in batman forever . ) her amusing poison ivy is the most entertaining character in the film , and when she's offscreen the film greatly suffers . i figure that if one has to die , being kissed to death by uma thurman isn't a half-bad way to go . while batman and robin was hardly a ride of pulse-pounding excitement , i must admit that i was not bored watching it , although i did glance at my watch repeatedly through the screening - my attention was kept through anticipation of the utterance of yet another terrible pun or one-liner , and by awaiting yet another scene to fall flat . it's been a long time since i've laughed so much at a movie . " at " , of course , is the operative word . everything about this ninth trek movie seems on the cheap , from the roger corman-grade special effects to its highly derivative and ugly ad campaign ( the poster is nearly identical to that of star trek vi : the undiscovered country ) . but piller's not-quite-half-baked screenplay should ultimately claim responsibility for insurrection's failure . i'm about to give the same advice to rick berman and co . as i've given to the financiers of james bond movies : it's time to breathe life into this workhorse by hiring solid genre writers and a real director . ( while we're at it , put that visor back on laforge ! ) for three hundred years , the ba'ku species ( who look just like humans ) have lived on a ringed-planet that might as well be called the fountain of youth . six hundred of them occupy the briar patch , the area affected by metaphasic radition , a positive energy that reverses the aging process in the elderly . but evil ru'afo ( this is probably abraham's last stop before performing " amadeus " at a dinner theatre near you ) , leader of the son'a ( who look just like burn victims after reconstructive surgery ) , wants to relocate the ba'ku and movie his people onto the briar patch in their place , in order to replenish his dying breed . the federation is all for this , but picard feels this is a direct violation of the prime directive : to not interfere with the development of an alien race . ( never mind that the ba'ku didn't exactly evolve-they went wandering in the universe one day and stumbled upon the magic world . ) every time frakes gives an interview lately , he seems to top whatever ludicrous statement he last gave regarding this installment . he has called it a comedy , a thinking man's picture , a throwback to the old series , and , most grievously , he has likened it to a john ford western . ( i presume that's some john ford he went to school with , not the director of the searchers . ) he has also gone on record as saying paramount recut the film from his version . that's no excuse-someone generated this footage . muddy cinematography and sitcom sets are the least of its problems ; star trek : insurrection appears to have been beamed in from the planet plotholia . consider such curiosities . . . picard's love interest , anij ( donna murphy ) , can slow things down by staring at them ( such as a waterfall or falling rocks ) -her scientific explanation for this ? " don't ask . " worf gets a pimple ( he's re-experiencing klingon puberty thanks to the time-defying atmosphere ) , laforge regains his eyesight ( trust me , levar burton's real eyes are scarier than those electronic lenses he wore in first contact ) and troi brags about her firm boobs , but picard remains as bald as an android's butt . most suspiciously , what exactly is the problem with letting this endangered race have a little fun in the sun ? the filmmakers cloud the issue with some nonsense about a family feud of sorts , and they also turn ru'afo into a completely power-mad superfreak , just so the characters will have something to do in the climax . ( and if you've seen return of the jedi , you've seen the ending of this movie . ) didn't picard himself previously disobey the prime directive when he prevented the borg from assimilating millions ? frakes lucked out with first contact , and repeat viewings of that film reveal the seeds of what went wrong in his direction of insurrection : he has no sense of comic timing , and he mines for acting chemistry where none exists . ( take a look at the painful " troi gets drunk " scene in fc and you'll get the general idea of insurrection's unsuccessfully jokey and hollow tone . ) even the worst shatner and co . treks , like the final frontier , maintained a watchability thanks to the effortless , charming comaraderie between kirk , spock , and bones . neither first contact nor insurrection has any idea what to do with crusher ( gates mcfadden , whom i must say maintains a fabulous physique ) , troi , or laforge . and all three next generation films spend too much time on data , who is the franchise's answer to urkel . need a cheap laugh ? have data say something sexual , or start singing , or lift up a four hundred pound boulder as if it's the hunk of styrofoam it really is . here's my proposed title for number 10 : data star data trek : data data data data data . in this movie , data will become preoccupied with learning to blow his nose , while crusher and troi watch silently from 500 yards away and laforge points his sinister gaze at the android in doubly robotic observation . star trek : insurrection had one nice , eerie , silent moment that hints at a better , darker film . i'm not saying all of them should be star trek ii : the wrath of khan , but this one boldly went where no movie should go again . this is one of the worst big-screen film experiences i've had for a while . with this film , plus `showgirls' and `basic instinct' , paul verhoeven has stamped himself as currently one of the worst blockbuster directors . his celebrated film `total recall' was ? i admit ? successfully scripted , but it nonetheless contained directorial flaws . obviously nobody wanted to invest too much money in a production from someone like verhoeven , the result being that much of the special effects in `starship' seemed fake . but not everything bad in the film was the director's fault , even though he was one of the guys who employed the actors . it is surprising that none of the actors received nominations for the razzie awards ( i expected five for the acting categories ) . casserole vanity devoid , dense ribald , dingy miasma , and jackass bushy are in serious need of acting school . no , they have to pass primary school drama classes first . while `total' was written well , `starship' is purely pathetic . all right , it is supposed to be a fast-paced entertainment film , and you're supposed to turn off your intellect ( completely ) and enjoy the action sequences and special effects ( that is , guts and gore ) . as a matter of fact , i found the activity incredibly boring , a complete waste of more than two hours . half of the film was a bad episode of `beverly hills 90210' ( dina meyer was in " beverly hills " ) , while another quarter was simply nothing ( things like presenting irrelevant information in an irritating way on the web ) , and the rest was a display of humans fighting computer-generated images . the battles were all the same ? jumping around , shoot or get stabbed ? and on barren planets that only had giant insects . there weren't even any stunts , which i consider slightly more exciting than pictures running around . i wonder what the insects eat , if there's nothing but them on the planets ? there is so much laughable treatment in this film , and it is frankly not amusing when jokes are intended . this type of story is obviously aimed at 10-year-olds , who can't see it anyway because of the violence and some sexuality . but then , there are always 16-year-olds who have that frame of mind . the pointless plot begins when johnny's ( vanity devoid ) girlfriend carmen ( richards ) decides that she wants to join the troopers to fight the insects who are throwing asteroids at earth . johnny then signs up as a trooper also , after an overacted argument with his parents . but there is another girl , dizzy ( meyer ) , who likes johnny and then there is another boy who likes carmen , which results in a love quadrangle , which isn't better , because it means augmented worse-than-stereotyped soap opera , increased bitchiness , and more bad beverly hills + melrose . and the result of this love quadrangle at the end is also rather stupid . anyway , getting back to the thing you might call plot , johnny is too stupid to be a pilot and has to join the infantry , while his girl and the other dude are in the same league . dizzy comes chasing johnny and joins the infantry also . they then start training , which contains what roger ebert calls ips ( idiot plot syndrome , moments when only an idiot would have made such obvious mistakes ) , then real combat . and guess what ? that's about as complex as it gets . oh , and one of their friends , carl ( neil patrick harris a . k . a . doogie howser m . d . ) , becomes involved in war intelligence , and his abilities at the end are really corny and make me want to spray insecticide on someone for it . he's my fifth nom for a razzie . the troopers fight , fall in love , die , kill , and try to act . naturally , they win , or sort of half-win . of course , in between ( and at the end ) there are soldiers chatting and smiling while carrying grievous wounds caused by bug legs . the bugs also suffer from ips : why would you release hold of your captive before killing it ? isn't it also amazing that earthlings haven't invented better hand-held weapons by then ? the only question that remains is why i gave it one star instead of zero . well , maybe a-quarter ( of a star ) for the originality of the co-sex shower scene and the ( very ) brief moments of suspense , another quarter for copying `zulu' and letting the good guys ( the bugs ) win , and half a star for the sucking-out of the brain of one of those people who call themselves actors ( but there should have been more , the troopers deserved to die ) . phew , what a mess ! for his fifth collaboration with director rich- ard donner ( lethal weapon i-iii , maverick ) , mel gibson plays a motormouth , maybe mentally ill new york city cabbie , jerry , whose wild conspiracy theories are all but ignored by alice ( julia roberts , acting all serious ) , the justice department employee that he has a crush on . she not interested , but another person is : a cia psychiatrist ( patrick stewart ) who promptly kidnaps him . is one of jerry's conjectures correct ? * is * the metal strip in the new $100 bill being used to track your movements ? is oliver stone still alive , because he cut a deal with george bush to spread * dis * information ? is this movie really about * any * of the crazed cabbie's theories ? no , no , and no . as it turns out , there's some other nonsense going on here , involving and revolving around jerry's background . ( hint : pay attention to an early scene where jerry blacks out and flashes back , in quick succession , to images of an interrogation room , hypodermic needles , and ms . roberts herself . ) the * initial * premise is pretty good and is played , for a while , at a delightfully dizzying clip . mel is wider-open that we've ever seen him and , if his character's relationship with roberts' initially strains credibility , their combined star power is blissfully intoxicating . ( the highest wattage of the summer , perhaps ? ) even when the plot contrivances begin to intrude , the two remain a randy dandy screen pair . there's a great scene in jerry's fortress , er , apartment , with alice trying to act casual as her hyperactive host tries to remember the combination to a locked coffee bean container . ( which he stores in another locked con- tainer , his fridge . ) other hilarious moments , of which there are many , include a trio of memorable convention-breakers , where alice ditches a tail , jerry cold-cocks someone , and , later , eludes a foot pursuit , each in a uproariously unexpected fashion . ( that's donner's own ladyhawke playing in the theater , btw . ) let's see , other pleasures include . . . a brilliant title sequence , a jazzy score from carter burwell , and the worth-paying-to-see sight of roberts pumping lead into one bad guy and slamming another's head into a wall . oh , pretty woman ! getting to the latter , however , requires slogging through an increasingly overburdened and ultimately unappealing story . the last hour of conspiracy theory devolves from tolerable to torturous to almost unwatchable . more stuff happens of the stupid shit variety than is worth mentioning here , except , perhaps , for a late sequence that has alice locating jerry in an abandoned wing of a mental hospital by hearing his voice carrying through the air ducts . and here i thought it was wabbit season . good god , who rewrites these movies ? and do they arrive in nondescript black vehicles ? in french , the phrase " film noir " literally means " black film . " webster defines it as " a type of crime film featuring cynical malevolent characters in a sleazy setting and an ominous atmosphere that is conveyed by shadowy photography and foreboding background music . " classic film noir , including such memorable fare as " the big sleep , " the original " cape fear , " and orson welles' striking " a touch of evil , " employed black and white photography to emphasize the long shadows associated with the genre . color came into play with neo-noir films like " chinatown " and " blade runner . " " l . a . confidential , " easily the best film of 1997 , is a wonderful piece of contemporary neo-noir filmmaking . for a textbook example of how to take all the elements of neo-noir and create an absolute mess , there's " palmetto . " based on " just another sucker , " a short story written by british author rene raymond under the pseudonym james hadley chase , " palmetto " shows what happens when a filmmaker puts style ahead of substance . director volker schlondorff ( " tin drum , " the handmaid's tale " ) stated " we weren't even sure for a long time if it was going to be a thriller or a comedy . " it shows . " palmetto " is too preposterous too be taken seriously as a thriller and too ponderous to work as a comedy . the story begins when journalist harry barber ( woody harrelson ) is released from prison . someone turned state's witness and revealed that harry was framed , a " reward " for blowing the lid on corruption in the small florida town of palmetto . bitter and broke , harry plans to hitchhike to miami and start his life over , but ex-girlfriend nina ( gina gershon ) appears to return him to palmetto . while hanging out at a bar , he notices that a beautiful woman has left her purse in a phone booth . harry pockets her cash , only to have the woman reappear and catch him with her money in his pocket . no problem , though . the radiant blonde is rhea malroux ( elisabeth shue , ) the young wife of a very rich older man with heart problems , and she has a proposition for harry . rhea needs " a threatening voice and someone to collect the ransom " for the staged kidnapping of her teenage stepdaughter odette ( chloe sevigny . ) the girls want to bilk a half-million dollar " ransom " from the old man and will happily give harry $50 , 000 for helping with the scam . things go wrong , of course . odette is found dead , leaving harry frantically trying to dispose of the corpse and cover his tracks . in an ironic twist , harry is asked to work for the local d . a . 's office . they need a press liaison to field questions about odette's kidnapping and feel that harry is the perfect man for the job . not a bad set-up for a noir film , if only schlondorff knew how to handle the material , but he never settles on a consistent tone . the actors don't know what to do with their characters either , muddling the proceedings even further . as if that wasn't enough , the story suffers from major problems in logic . woody harrelson is a talented actor with an admirable willingness to take on risky parts , but he's lost here . presented as a crusading journalist who was horribly wronged , it makes no sense that harry would be stupid and dishonest enough to get caught up in this scheme . harrelson clearly doesn't know what to do with harry's character , so he spends most of the film glowering , sweating and generally acting miserable . meanwhile , elisabeth shue gives a goofy performance , behaving like a vamp on nitrous oxide . as the stepdaughter , chloe sevigny lays on so many slurpy quirks that she comes off like juliette lewis jr . despite a number of steamy scenes , there's no chemistry between harrelson and the women . to make matters worse , schlondorff badly dubs in dialogue while the character's lips are running over each others bodies . two particularly bad scenes highlight the film's problems . while driving with a body in his trunk , harry has a minor car wreck and a cop shows up . the officer wants to help change harry's flat tire and asks him to open the trunk . harry's pathetic attempts to keep the trunk closed might have worked if played as comedy , but under schlondorff's grim direction , the scene is just embarrassing . the film's nadir comes when a bad guy prepares to kill harry and nina . we're supposed to be horrified watching our hero dangling over a bathtub filled with acid , but by this point the film has foundered so badly that the scene is merely reminiscent of when jessica and roger rabbit were suspended over a vat of dip . had " palmetto " been played with tongue firmly in cheek , it might have been an entertaining shaggy dog story . but under the harsh direction of schlondorff , the film is just a sluggish paint-by-numbers exercise in neo- noir cluelessness . avoid this nonsense and go see " l . a . confidential " instead . plot : lara croft is british , rich and kicks a lot of ass . she also likes to raid tombs but when the illuminata discover that all nine planets are about to stand in alignment for the first time in 5000 years , and that lara holds the key to time , well , needless to say , they want to nab it from her . oh yeah , lara also likes to sport a lot of tight shirts . . . hummana-hummana-hummana . . . critique : angelina jolie was great in this movie . there were also about three " action scenes " that were pretty cool to look at in this film . uhhhhhm , unfortunately the rest of the movie sucked ! bad dialogue , generic sidekicks and bad guys , a lame mystery , yoda-esque moments with mumbo-jumbo being sprouted about and even some crappy cgi near the end . all in all , this movie wasn't the horror show that some of the early reviews had warned us about , especially since every other scene does feature jolie's torpedoes begging to burst out of her lucky shirts , but it was quite the letdown nonetheless , especially when you consider the major opportunity that the filmmakers had here to create a cool , hip woman hero , based on a popular video game . i don't know , i guess you have to put most of the blame on director simon west , who didn't really tie the whole movie together all that well . the film lacked energy , a consistent pace and well . . . a fun time ! i felt kinda depressed while watching this movie . all that " father " crap was horrible and the dialogue given to poor john voight to recite was just plain embarrassing ( and i'm not even gonna mention his moustache . . . hehehe ) . why have this shite in the movie at all ? ! ? i especially hated the scenes in which some ghost-like figure , friend or child would ramble on about lara croft's father while all the time , i'm not giving one ounce of crap as to what they're talking about . i guess that's called lack of " character development " , right ? that's when a movie builds enough background into the characters on the screen , so that we could actually " get into " it and care about them . i didn't care about anyone in this movie , and was bored during most of its " let's explain why we're doing all this gobbledygook " moments . and even though i thought that jolie kicked some mighty ass ( damn , did she look sexy blasting those guns or what ? ! ? ) , everybody else around her was so goddamn boring ! her butler was a throwaway with no personality , her side-kick was supposed to be funny but just annoyed me every time he said the word " bugger " ( and he says it a lot , trust me ! ) and all of the so-called bad guys just spewed one-dimension ! they had no spark , no energy amongst them , and even though a few of the action scenes in the movie were cool ( see the trailer and you'll know which ones i'm talking about ) , the overall picture was lame and the dialogue and mystical bull-crap just buried it even further . also , for a movie that's supposed to be about all of these exotic locations , i wasn't necessarily impressed by any of its exterior shots , and even less so with its interiors , which all looked like they were shot in the same room . mind you , i won't go as far as to say that it's the " worst movie of the year " ( remember that i actually have to go see freddie prinze jr . movies also ! ) , but it's definitely the worst film that i've seen during this summer movie season ( of course , it's still early and i'm sure there are a few more garbage heaps coming down the pike ) . skip this one altogether and rent any of the indiana jones movies instead . . . trust me , you'll miss the boobs but end your night with some rock-solid porn and it's all good ! where's joblo coming from ? raiders of the lost ark ( 10/10 ) - the mummy ( 8/10 ) - lost in space ( 7/10 ) - the mummy returns ( 6/10 ) - the general's daughter ( 3/10 ) - romancing the stone ( 7/10 ) - wild wild west ( 3/10 ) - mission impossible 2 ( 7/10 ) it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big-budget blockbusters . this year's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world . the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee-zerd , lee-zerd . . . " ) , which doesn't make me optimistic about future summers . godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner-owned cable stations . that this big-budget remake won't rise above its roots is fairly obvious . the credits show us the origin of godzilla . in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard . sounds like an enquirer headline , doesn't it ? the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence . this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ain't a stereotype . . . ) when he discovers the telltale radar blip . people die . cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick . he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin' in the rain . " it's a none-too-subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie . no dice , bueller . from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla's enormous footprint . every disaster movie has to have a know-it-all scientist , and this time broderick is it . as the world's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and wouldn't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) , broderick is invaluable to the government . he immediately dispels vicki lewis' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you can't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members . broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard . " the radiation isn't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes . " i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again . it's vocabulary lightning , you see , activated by words of four syllables or more . meanwhile , we're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick's former love . gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ? poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer . italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she's not ruthless enough : " nice doesn't get you anywhere in this town . it's dog eat dog . " actually , it's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple's core . the filmmakers provide us with a one-note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla . " i think i've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him . you can guess what happens next . similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city . hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please don't tell me that's another parade . " please don't tell me that's the best line you could come up with . mayor ebert is not pleased . played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene . i guess the filmmakers knew they'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and didn't even bother to kiss ass . the problem is , if you're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny . dialogue like , " didn't we agree that we weren't going to have any sweets until after the election ? " followed by , " back off , gene , " just doesn't work for me . other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character's last name and frenchman jean reno's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york . there's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses . as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food . cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection . ( broderick : that's a lot of fish . ) that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them . yep , godzilla's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla . that's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp . godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots . look no further than patillo's betrayal of broderick ( patillo : what have i done , animal ? what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla's nest " sequence in madison square garden . the main difference is , independence day was about the experience . it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters . godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna . yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla . that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie . i heard actor skeet ulrich discussing this film in a couple of interviews , and in both instances , he felt the strange compulsion to compare it a little series of films called lethal weapon . now , i personally remember those films as a ) starring a major motion picture star b ) being funny c ) having great action sequences d ) great chemistry e ) decent character development . hmmm . . . . okay . . . now on to my review of chill factor . plot : a graveyard shift regular working joe and ice cream truck driver fall onto a malicious plan by an ex-army general , to propose a nuclear device to international prospects . when the device suddenly falls into their reluctant laps , they must keep it cool on ice , and rush it over to an army base , before the contraption ticks over 50 degrees fahrenheit , and kills millions of people . critique : " speed on an ice-cream truck " is probably the pitch that was used to sell this one-tone movie to its backers , but unfortunately , the only way that anyone could compare this film to that tension-filled , original two hours of cinema , is in its distinct honor of being the complete opposite of what that film , and the lethal weapon movies , stood for . this film is seasoned in cliches , with plenty of badly written dialogue , over the top acting from cuba gooding jr . , zero chemistry between the two leads , and horribly tacky bad guys , tossed in to complete an overall bad movie recipe . my friend and i enjoyed watching this movie to a certain extent , because some of the lines in it were so bad and obviously " written " , that we just had to crack up . that , and the formula for the film's script which followed the proverbial 1-2- , and you guessed it . . . 3 scenario ! and what about all those catchy , hip names to get us to relate to the characters . . . . " elvis " and " nighshift " , oh what talent lies in the minds of these screenwriters ( and yes , it actually took two guys to come up with this regurgitated drivel ) . it is unfathomable to me as to how actors skeet ulrich and cuba gooding jr . got involved in this one-week-old-blue-cheese-smelling project . did they actually think that it would boost their careers , or did they know that the script sucked , but discounted any fall from grace , knowing full well that the stack of cash in their back pockets would pad their fall ? most probably the latter . have you seen either fled or bulletproof ? well , despite the slight differences in plot , the essentials are basically the same here . you get a black guy and a white guy being chased by a bunch of people , having no choice but to work together to get somewhere , hating each other at first , but over time , learning to respect one another as individuals . yawn . add to that , the fact that our film actually has bad guys who are all dressed in black , drive black cars and black vans , and run around with all kinds of telecommunicative devices sprinkled around their head . not too conspicuous , eh ? call me a party-pooper , but as much as i like a nice cheezy movie as much as the next guy , this film just doesn't even try to do anything original or reasonably entertaining . one cool scene with a boat careening down a mountainside , and another with a nuclear device obliterating everything on an island , do not a fun , buddy-action flick make . show cuba the money , everybody ! : ) little known facts about this film and its stars : this is not a little known fact or anything , but damn , is it just me or does skeet ulrich look an awful lot like great-looking actor johnny depp ? skeet's real-life nicknames include chester , skeeter and mosquito . he stands 6'1 " , was born in north carolina , and got married in 1997 to that sex-kitten actress from clay pigeons ( 7 . 5/10 ) , georgina cates . they own a farm together in virginia and seven dogs . skeet has a long scar on his chest from open-heart surgery done when he was 10 to correct a ventricle defect . actor cuba gooding jr . was born in the bronx , new york . in 1984 , he break-danced during the closing ceremonies of the olympic games in los angeles . he stands 5'10 " . actress hudson leick , who plays one of the " bad guys/girls " in his movie , is better known from her role as " callisto " on the popular tv series " xena : princess warrior " . this film reportedly had a budget of $40 million ? ? i'm not exactly sure where all this money went , but it certainly did not register onscreen . interestingly enough , director hugh johnson , who makes his big screen debut with this film , was the cinematographer on the 1996 film white squall and the 1997 demi moore vehicle , g . i . jane ( 6 . 5/10 ) . it is with some sad irony that i screened fright night part 2 on the day that one of it's stars , roddy mcdowall passed away at the age of 70 . mcdowall was one of the most talented and prolific actors in hollywood , having a career that spanned over 60 years and appearing in more than 100 films . fright night part 2 probably will not be counted among his more memorable roles . this is really sad considering how good the first fright night film was . william ragsdale and roddy mcdowall both reprised their roles as the somewhat reluctant vampire killers who seem to be the only ones that realize that vampires walk among us . ( at least in the movies anyway . ) it has been several years since charlie brewster ( ragsdale ) and b-movie actor turned late night horror film host , peter vincent ( mcdowall ) came face to face with a real live vampire who just happened to be charlie's next door neighbor . charlie and peter won that battle , but apparently even vampires have relatives who get pissed if you kill members of their family . apparently charlie's former bloodsucking next door neighbor had a sister who was none too pleased to find out that some kid and an aging actor staked her sibling . so she decides to exact a little bit of revenge . this ends up forcing charlie and peter to battle the forces of darkness yet again . one of the things that made fright night such a success was chris sarandon who played charlie's stylish next door neighbor with a taste for blood . fright night part 2 tries to duplicate that modern style but it falls sort . while they are stylish , the vamps in this film just don't have the personality of the undead in the first film . with the exception of a werewolf who adds some much needed comic relief to a few of the scenes . one bright spot , speaking from a strictly sexist point of view , is traci lin , who plays charlie's very skeptical girlfriend . it's really a shame that her career hasn't been better since she made this film . ragsdale does a fair job in this film , but doesn't give nearly the performance that he did in the original . roddy mcdowall makes the most with what he is given , which unfortunately isn't much which is a shame because his character was a lot of fun in the original movie . i guess i would have to say that the first film was a superior product in every way . the original always left you feeling danger was lurking right around the corner , part 2 had more of the feel of a music video . never a good thing for a horror film . another minus for part 2 was the traditional scenes that leave the audience on the edge of their seats waiting for something to jump out of a shadow where very rare . for that matter , they were almost nonexistent . if i was going to watch a horror film , this would be far from my first choice . the first fright night , on the other hand , would be right up near the top of my list . if i was in the mood for a roddy mcdowall film i'd probably head to the science fiction section of my local video store and rent planet of the apes . either way fright night part 2 would most likely not enter into the equation . sometimes a stellar cast can compensate for a lot of things , and " pushing tin " certainly features some name stars who are going places : billy bob thornton , cate blanchett , angelina jolie , and oh yes john cusack who might not realize it at first , but he's actually the * veteran * among this quartet of fine-looking people . sometimes a terrific cast like this can compensate for a lackluster screen treatment of an idea that has " hip comedy " written all over it , compensate for workmanlike but uninspired direction , compensate for an obnoxious score that would have anyone but the tone deaf screaming for the exits , compensate for clich ? d characterizations , compensate for embarrassing " you have to be joking " situations . etc . in " pushing tin , " thornton , blanchett , jolie , and cusack don't have an earthly . from the opening sequence the film is in big trouble : squiggly , " quirky " credits , fake-looking passenger planes circling new york , and anne dudley's in-your-ear music making us wonder how she ever got that best original score nomination for " the full monty , " let alone won it . but i , for one , wasn't ready to walk just yet . so quickly we descend into a tightly-edited air traffic controllers montage which screams to us in large capital letters these people have a difficult job , yes , what with their frantic , mile-a-minute instructional personas , juggling planes and passenger's lives like some huge , real , mid-air video game . hip , cool , demonic auctioneer nick " the zone " falzone ( cusack ) is the best in the biz . of course . until some hipper , cooler , leather-clad flyboy assist in the guise of russell bell ( thornton ) shows up to challenge falzone's finite air space . boys will be boys and some heavy duty testosterone starts exuding , then the macho one-upmanship begins . it doesn't stop with seeing who can juggle three 747s within a cat's whisker of each other . oh no . there are some broken hoop dreams , some wanna-see-how-fast-i-can-drives , and then the ultimate showdown : was that my wife i saw you with last night ? director mike newell ( " four weddings and a funeral " ) must have read a different draft of this script because the one that's being acted out up there between newark , jfk , and la guardia doesn't have an ounce of subtlety , and newell has made some awfully good-and funny-movies before . the antics of these air traffic controllers will make you cringe . they'll make you frown in disbelief . they'll have you constantly looking at your watch . but wait ! there's still 100 minutes to go ! ! the film's only saving grace is blanchett , whose connie falzone is a spunky , brash , long island housewife who wants to better herself by taking art classes . this is a wonderful accomplishment for the fine actress who has previously played a red-headed australian gambler ( " oscar and lucinda " ) and a tempestuous british monarch ( " elizabeth " ) . but she's not enough to save the picture . thornton looks terrific and performs solidly but his character is a joke . jolie ( as russell's knock 'em dead wife ) isn't bad , but the up-and-coming actress disappoints by allowing herself to be displayed like a plaything . cusack cracks gum , dons shades , and acts hip throughout but , like everything else in the film , his performance is forced . in the last ten minutes or so , for some inexplicable reason , things start coming together and you begin to get a sense of how this film might have been , like the trailer teases . but it's too little too late . a fine cast aside , " pushing tin " is nothing more than an embarrassment . the most depressing thing about the depressingly pedestrian james bond film " the world is not enough " is its final frame : white letters on a black background proclaiming " james bond will return . " oh i certainly hope not . with pierce brosnan in his third and reportedly last go-round as james bond 007 , " the world is not enough " is the best example to date that " 'enough " is enough . in this , the 19th chapter in the seemingly-endless franchise featuring ian fleming's debonair british secret agent who likes his martinis--and his nemeses--shaken not stirred , the sub-inspired screenwriters have chosen to rehash all of the setups , stunts , and sexy encounters of the previous 18 bond flicks rather than coming up with anything the slightest bit original . we've got previously-used speedboat chases , ski chases , and sticky situations aboard nuclear submarines . we've got a couple of hot-to-trot babes without an ounce of acting ability between them . we've got a post-cold war megalomaniac bent on world domination slash destruction ( here played by a skinheaded robert carlyle with mean , lean panache ) . and , as has been the case since 1977's " the spy who loved me , " we've got a plot that has nothing whatsoever to do with anything conceived by mr . fleming . we've also got a main title song by garbage to which , with very little effort , you can fit the lyrics to * both * songs from " tomorrow never dies . " while originality was never the series' strong suit , the films were almost always fun , with at least some thought going into the nonstop stunts . i can't think of one memorable set-piece in the entire--and very dull-- " the world is not enough . " in addition , michael apted ( yes , the respected director of such films as " coal miner's daughter , " " nell , " and the " 28up " documentary series ) takes embarrassing advantage of the full range of bond clich ? s . you get the " talking killer " plot device--you know the scenario : the bad guy has the good guy at his mercy yet waxes poetic just long enough to die of old age . and you get a slew of high-priced assassins who can't hit a barn door at 20 paces : in the film's opening minutes ( of an endless 128 ) , bond chases a sultry sniper along the thames and the leather-clad lovely fails to hit bond's souped-up " fishing boat " with a bazooka when he pulls within a few feet of her . later , she takes off in a hot air balloon with bond dangling from a guy rope beneath her but is still unable to take him out . these reliable absurdities are more frustrating than usual since there are no distractions other than occasional ads for luxury automobiles , vodka , or credit cards . in and among the rampant product placements , brosnan grapples with carlyle , " braveheart " 's sophie marceau ( as former kidnap victim slash heiress elektra king ; she's terrible ) , " wild things " ' denise richards ( as a nuclear physicist lord help me ; she's laughable ) , and judi dench as m . dame judi brings the only shred of dignity to a series that has long since jettisoned its self-respect ( about the time roger moore inherited bond's walther ppk ) . brosnan goes through the motions with the grace and charm you'd expect of the former " remington steele " star , but even he has to be thinking there's more to life than an easy paycheck . he's given plenty of wiseacre asides to deliver , but only one of them-- " i don't know any doctor jokes " --made me chuckle ( although " i thought christmas only comes once a year " is more in keeping with the series' penchant for grown-worthy puns ) . when walt disney pictures announced a live-action feature based on the '60s cartoon series of " mr . magoo , " special interests groups representing the vision-impaired let out a cry of dismay . mr . magoo , they claimed , would be an insult to the men and women they represented . in fact , they were wrong . mr . magoo is not just an insult to the blind and near-blind , it's an insult to every human being who has the misfortune to suffer through this dreadfully unfunny , 90 minute atrocity . it's stating the obvious to remark that disney appears to have run out of original ideas . look at their roster of 1996 and 1997 releases , and you'll see a shocking list of retreads , including 101 dalmatians , george of the jungle , jungle2jungle , that darn cat ! , flubber , and now mr . magoo . the best of these ( george of the jungle ) was mildly entertaining . the worst , mr . magoo , exposes just how painful a bad movie experience can be . the first problem with mr . magoo is the script . despite the collaboration of naked gun scribe pat proft , mr . magoo is comically barren . from beginning to end , there's not a laugh to be found . every attempt at humor -- and there are lots of them -- falls flat with an audible thud . you'd think that out of the dozens of gags jammed into this film , at least a few would work , but that's not the case . i've had more laughs during ingmar bergman pictures . then there's leslie nielsen , who looks , sounds , and acts absolutely nothing like the animated character ( memorably voiced by jim backus ) . in the past , nielsen has proven his comic aptitude with roles in movies like airplane and the naked gun . lately , however , he has been getting lazy , taking parts in the likes of dracula : dead and loving it , spy hard , and mr . magoo . even if nielsen was in top form , it would take an incredible stretch of imagination to see him as magoo ( especially since we're reminded of the original by the short cartoon segments that open and close the film ) , but " top form " is not a phrase i would use to describe his performance here . this is strictly a take-the-money-and- run operation . the story , which , like many disney stories , can be described in one long sentence : magoo is the only witness to the theft of a rare jewel from a museum , and , as he is trying to apprehend the thieves on his own , the police mistake him for the robber . the cops are played by ernie hudson and stephen tobolowsky , who take their lumps early and often . the bad guys are kelly lynch ( who does a lot of martial arts-type kicking ) , nick chinlund , and malcolm mcdowell ( who has the good sense to look embarrassed ) . matt keeslar portrays one of magoo's sidekicks -- his nephew , waldo . the bumbling man's other , more interesting companion is a dog named angus . most of mr . magoo's humor comes in the form of failed slapstick . the cartoon violence level in this film doesn't approach that of home alone 3 or flubber , but it's still pretty acute , with characters getting hit on the head with sledgehammers and knocked off snowy precipices . there's a non-violent bit with magoo preparing a chicken dinner that could have been funny if it was handled better , but , compared to mr . bean's recent , similar misadventure , it doesn't hold up well . then there is the series of lame jokes that result from magoo's near blindness , such as the occasion when he mistakes a wild animal for a baby . i'm willing to cut director stanley tong a little slack . tong , a hong kong film maker trying to break into the hollywood market , has helmed several jackie chan movies , including first strike , rumble in the bronx , and supercop . his chief talent , that of choreographing martial arts fights , is wasted here ( despite some high kicking by kelly lynch ) . like john woo ( hard target ) and ringo lam ( maximum risk ) before him , it appears that tong has been consigned to the purgatory of making a bad movie as his entry into the american mainstream . it is worth noting that , unlike many disney films which hold a perverse appeal for the under-10 crowd while driving parents to distraction , mr . magoo appears to bore viewers of all ages . the screening i attended was wall-to-wall kids , and , for the most part , they didn't seem to be enjoying themselves . when the film was over , i asked one little girl what she thought of it . her pained expression confirmed the adage that a picture can indeed be worth a thousand words . mr . magoo is the kind of movie that should be rejected by any potential viewer , sight unseen . david spade has a snide , sarcastic sense of humor that works perfectly on the tv sitcom just shoot me . it also served as a good showcase for him when he co-starred , opposite the late chris farley , in tommy boy and black sheep . lost and found marks the comedian's first attempt at going solo in a movie , and it also reveals that when spade doesn't have a reliable back-up system , his brand of humor seems more desperate than one may expect . david spade is not the problem with lost and found . he plays dylan ramsey , the sweet main character , to the best of his abilities . the story revolves around dylan's obsessions with his beautiful new neighbour , lila dubois ( sophie marceau , from braveheart ) , and her terrier named jack . dylan believes that the best way to a woman's heart is through her dog . and so he kidnaps jack , planning to stage a fake rescue , in hope to win lila over . there are three good things about lost and found . the first is spade . the second is sophie marceau , a lovely actress who's been planted into the wrong movie . lastly , there's the dog , who is used here in a similar context to puffy from there's something about mary . unfortunately , director jeff pollack finds more humor in putting jack through a cycle in the drier than he does with simply making him look cute . this kind of physical humor is dead . pollack does everything but beat the poor pooch with a baseball bat to get laughs , and this procedure is cheap , unfunny and resoundingly cruel . this is where i start to get fuzzy . also in this unusual blend is ( apparently ) a sweet-natured love story between dylan and lila . given the mean-spirited comedy that the movie is obviously striving for , i found this hard to swallow . and , why does dylan even deserve someone like lila , after kidnapping her precious dog and putting it through such pain ? predictably , lost and found opts for a happy ending , one that feels so sentimental , gooey , and rings so false that it sets off a siren in your head that makes you feel a bit cheated . david spade ( who also co-wrote the movie ) tries hard , so very hard , to make this project amusing . there are some choice scenes that are quite funny , but the movie is only sporadically funny . patrick bruel plays the stock character of rene , the pompous jerk who also wants to win lila over , with his good looks and money . jon lovitz and martin sheen are welcome additions in two tiny supporting roles . despite a few positive attributes , lost and found just doesn't work . if you're searching for an enjoyable romantic-comedy , you could do far better than this obvious , misguided failure that shows a blatant disregard for what it's trying to present . 9 : its pathetic attempt at " improving " on a shakespeare classic . 8 : its just another piece of teen fluff . 7 : kids in high school are not that witty . 6 : the wittiness is not witty enough . 5 : the comedy is not funny . 4 : the acting is poor . 3 : the music . 2 : the poster . 1 : its worse than she's all that ! 10=a classic 9=borderline classic 8=excellent 7=good 6=better than average 5=average 4=disappointing 3=poor 2=awful 1=a crap classic sometimes i wonder just what the censors are thinking . take this film , " naked killer " , among it's ingredients are heavy doses of violence , rape sequences , straight and lesbian sex scenes and what our system calls " coarse language " . but what do those intelligent people at the censorship bureau choose to remove in case someone will get offended ? one word - penis . that's it . in spite of everything else in the movie the one thing that the censors decide is too much is " penis . " . it really restores you're faith in the system , huh ? anyway , that's just a side point . when naked killer was released in the local independent cinemas around melbourne , it was advertised ad nausuem as a hip , cool , controversial thriller . what they forgot to mention was that it isn't very good . the plot involves male cop tinam ( simon yam ) , investigating a series of brutal murders . while getting a haircut he meets and finds himself attracted to a girl named kitty ( chingmy yau ) , who , after extracting revenge on the man who killed her father , falls in with professional killer sister cindy ( svenwara madoka ) . realising kitty has potential , cindy decides to train kitty in several unusual and ridiculous ways and gives her a new identity . however in the course of his investigation tinam ( who believed kitty had disappeared ) , runs into her again , but isn't quite sure if it's her . to complicate matters the actual serial killlers , princess and baby , who a former students of cindy , and have been told to kill their old master and her new student . from then the action ensues . . . all in all , this is not a well done movie . the script is awful , the direction all over the place , the editing is jerky and confusing and the subtitling is surprisingly poor . however the are a few stand alone pieces that do entertain . the shoot out in the car park is almost woo-like in adrenaline . the fight scenes are energetic and i guess it must get a few points for trying something a little different . let me put this way , if you like action - get something else , if you like strong women in movies - get something else , if you have do decide between this and " black cat " for your hong kong female action - don't get either . even for curiosity value it just isn't worth it . let's face it - if ever the was a movie that became popular on it's subject alone , this is it . after seeing blaze and driving miss daisy , i was ready for some mindless fun--oh , maybe something like tango & cash . maybe not ! mindless fun is one thing , but brain-dead slop is another matter altogether . tango & cash has " lowest common denominator " written all over it . the movie stars sylvester stallone and kurt russell as rival undercover cops in l . a . russell plays cash , a reckless slob who dresses in jeans and tee shirts . stallone plays tango , a wealthy investor who works on the force strictly for the thrill of it ; he doesn't need the money . in an effort to change his image , stallone goes for a yuppie , gq look in the film , wearing spectacles and three piece suits . the two detectives reluctantly become partners after they are framed for murder and have to break out of prison to clear their names . tango & cash is unbearably noisy . for starters , there's harold faltermeyer's annoying synthesized score , which gets old after four notes . to make matters worse , the filmmakers seem to think that when it comes to loud explosions and screeching cars , the more the merrier . in fact , the movie begins with not one but two car chases . there's nothing like a good old car chase to introduce the characters in a movie . screenwriter randy feldman's brain must have gone to mush from watching too many cop shows on tv . his shockingly stupid screenplay undermines anything and everything the movie has going for it , such as stallone's efforts to convince you that tango is an intellectual . in a movie with the iq level of an amoeba , even a great actor is going to have trouble looking intelligent--and stallone is no lawrence olivier . it's hard to imagine anyone reading feldman's script and thinking , " i want to be in this movie . " the film's plot doesn't have one original bone in its body , and--again--you have to point your finger at the screenwriting . feldman's story line succumbs to every crime thriller cliche in the book , making tango & cash altogether generic and predictable . they simply could have called it " action movie . " every character , every twist and turn , is stolen from television or from other movies . adding insult to injury , tango & cash is about as believable as a " road runner " cartoon . action movies don't have to be realistic , but they should absorb you enough so that you're not thinking about the lack of realism . the only artistic aspect of tango & cash is the cinematography . there are some spectacular shots , especially during the rainy nighttime prison break in which tango and cash slide to safety on electrical wires . the film's main draw is the chemistry between stallone and russell . unfortunately , their relationship rarely progresses past macho competition as they endlessly bicker about who packs more meat in his pants . the dialogue consists of nothing but one-liners , and consequently the attempts at character development are embarrassing . it's a shame because with a workable screenplay , russell and stallone could have turned tango & cash into a charming " lethal weaponesque " adventure . tango & cash tries to maintain a light tone , and you do laugh about once every five minutes . seeing russell in drag is the movie's funniest moment , but you probably already have seen it in the commercials . furthermore , the light tone does not sit well against the relentlessly brutal violence . machine guns and torture generally don't mix well with comedy . jack palance appears in tango & cash doing what he does best : playing a sleazy , conniving villain . his character , however , is run-of-the-mill , except for his strange obsession with mice . like many movie villains , palance likes to play games . in fact , he sets a ridiculously elaborate trap for tango and cash , a trap which sends the two detectives to prison so they can be beaten and electrocuted by some meanies in the boiler room . you have to wonder why palance doesn't just shoot the detectives in the head ! the story would crumble if any of the characters were to do anything intelligent . teri hatcher plays stallone's sister and russell's love-interest , and she is just as pretty as can be . but regrettably , hatcher's acting is not on par with her exceptional beauty . every time she opens her mouth , you cringe ; corny dialogue and atrocious acting are always a fatal combination . there's really very little , if anything , to recommend in the film . and , more to the point , tango definitely isn't worth a penny of your cash--so don't bother . in " the 13th warrior , " arab poet ahmed ibn fahdlan ( antonio banderas ) finds himself kicked out of baghdad for feeling up the king's old lady . with his translator ( screen legend omar sharif in a small role ) , ahmed heads north to act as ambassador to the northmen ( vikings ) . he finds a group of warriors mourning the loss of their king . a messenger soon arrives from another kingdom requesting assistance . a soothsayer says that thirteen warriors must answer the summons , twelve northmen and one outsider . thus , ahmed becomes the " 13th warrior . " on the trip , ahmed manages to learn the vikings' language by listening to their fireside conversations . a bit far-fetched , it's true , but we have to swallow it if this flick is going to manage a few lines of dialogue amidst the grunting . ahmed , who's called " ibn " by the vikings , forms friendships with herger the joyous ( dennis storh ? i ) and the viking leader buliwyf ( vladimir kulich ) . when they arrive in the other kingdom , the thirteen warriors discover that they're facing an army of supernatural cannibals that live up in the caves . hereafter , most of the movie is battle scenes : the cannibals attack the vikings , the vikings attack the cannibals , the cannibals attack the . . . well , you get the idea . just to add some action , there's also a viking vs . viking duel . other movies insert scenes between the fights ; these scenes are called character development . i suspect that " the 13th warrior " had a better script at one time and that it fell through the cracks because of the tag-team direction . the movie started off in the hands of john mctiernan ( you'll notice a lot of similarities between " warrior " and mctiernan's " predator , " including the chittering jungle sounds ) . somewhere along the line , mctiernan bailed and michael crichton took over . crichton , whose novel " eaters of the dead " is the basis for " warrior , " has directed a small assortment of goofy science-fiction " thrillers " : " westworld , " " coma , " " looker , " " runaway . " their result of their consecutive efforts is a murky and pointless movie . perhaps what " the 13th warrior " needs more than anything else is a villain . the " eaters of the dead " are a faceless mob in blackface . they have no personality , and by the end they don't even seem particularly threatening . the audience has no target toward which to channel its aggression . mctiernan should know about the importance of an interesting villain ; it was his " die hard " that made villains seem fun and attracted big-name stars to the evil roles in action films . " the 13th warrior " suffers from a lack of vision . it wants to be " predator " meets " braveheart " meets " the magnificent seven " meets " dances with wolves . " with so many competing goals , all it can do is echo what it might have been . it might have been a satisfying action film . it might have been a beautifully-rendered medieval epic . it might have been a thought-provoking examination of the meeting of cultures . what a shame it turned out to be nothing in particular . bottom line : if you want to see antonio swing his sword , rent " the mask of zorro . " there isn't much good about this movie . not much i can say about the acting , directing , or writing that would make you consider seeing this movie . so i'll get my one good comment out of the way , at least joel schuemacher ( batman & robin ) didn't direct it or it would be titled " technicolor city " . in fact there is nothing colorful about this movie , its dark and depressingly gloomy right down to the bitter end . the plot has a tendency to be interesting , but all that passes while your laughing at the ridiculous things thrown into what could have been a fascinating movie . the plot is impossible to explain due to how senseless it gets , so i will just touch on the bare minimum . john murdoch ( rufus sewell ) awakes in the bathtub of a cheap hotel , only to find out he has forgotten everything . john must find out who he is before the " strangers " ( a . k . a . mind erasing aliens ) find him and use him for their own evil conspiracy . during the film some interesting points are raised about human individuality , and the existence of inherently evil people . any of these points however are completely " erased " from your mind as you watch the actors stumble through the dreadful script . as i mentioned earlier , nothing but the atmosphere is right in this film . the acting is bland , and since there is virtually no character development no one seems to care . the special effects are low budget and some even hilariously fake , a sign of a true " b-movie " . the direction is poor and there is little continuity , not that you would expect it in a movie switching realities constantly . lastly the script is weak and has no concept of reality , and doesn't deserve to have the word " science " in science-fiction . if i haven't got my point across , i'll say it more plainly : this is a bad movie . lets hope the next movie by alex " i wish i was tim burton " proyas is at least tolerable . " varsity blues " is the best film of 1999 thus far . unfortunately , it is also the first film i have seen from 1999 . it is another one of those small-town sports movies that involves a flawed , but good-heartedfrom 1999 . it is another one of those small-town sports movies that involves a flawed , but good-hearted protagonist ; a rough and meanspirited coach ; and the " big game . " by the end , will the underdog overcome great odds and triumph ? will everyone in the town turn against the coach ? will the team win the climactic game ? do cats bathe themselves regularly ? the so-called " hero " in question is john moxin ( james van der beek ) , a senior at west canaan high school who plays for the varsity football team , but is really just hoping to get a scholarship at brown university so that he can get out of the dead-end town . at least he's got the right idea , since west canaan , texas is portrayed in the film as , frankly , pathetic , with the whole town treating the weekly football games as the second coming . heck , in one scene , the front page of the town's newspaper is proclaiming about the west canaan badgers' big win the night before . when the team's star quarterback is severely injured , tearing the ligaments in his leg , john finds himself taking over as the team's leader , but his few minutes of glory do not last long , as he begins to have problems with his girlfriend ( amy smart ) when she discovers he spent an evening with another girl ( ali larter ) . and after staying out all night with his drinking buddies at a strip joint ( all of the teenagers in the film are portrayed as raging alcoholics ) , the team loses their second-to-last game , putting john at feuds with the coach ( jon voight who , like gary oldman , is overstaying his welcome in the typecasted role as the " bad guy " ) . worse yet , the coach is threatening to ruin john's scholarship chances if the badgers don't win their final game . the plotting of " varsity blues " is as old as the hills , and contains every cliche in the book . admittedly , i was never exactly bored while i was watching it , but i hasten to add that i was rarely ever entertained . throughout , all i could really think of is how virtually the same exact story had been filmed with a great deal more thoughtfulness and maturity in 1983's " all the right moves . " one of the biggest problems i had with the film is how little of interest any of the characters actually were , least of all certainly not john , who , played by van der beek ( of tv's " dawson's creek " ) , is pretty much a bore without any engaging qualities . while i probably shouldn't blame this on van der beek , since the inauspicious and " by-the-numbers " screenplay by w . peter iliff isn't of any help , he is still certainly not in the league of tom cruise in " all the right moves . " the story revolving around john , meanwhile , is extemely thin throughout , particularly for its 104-minute running time , and it alternates between uninspired comic relief ( as in when the students see their sex education teacher working as a stripper at the club ) and heavy-handed melodrama . the romance between john and his girlfriend had the potential to be an adequate subplot , but we also learned very little about her , which is unfortunate since amy smart , whom i don't think i've seen before in past films , is probably the only character written with any sort of intelligence . smart does not allow her character to become the " passive girlfriend , " instead coming off as a young woman with her own ideas and opinions . it's too bad the camera didn't linger on her long enough so we could hear some of those thoughts . the adult characters probably fare the worse of any , since they all must play residents of a dim-witted town that cares about nothing but football . john's relationship with his parents can also be telegraphed far in advance . his father is set on him becoming a football player at a university , but john doesn't want any part of that . his mother stands beside her " big , strong husband " and is a passive female . finally , jon voight plays the stock bully coach character and he does nothing to make the thankless role any more than one-dimensional . saving " varsity blues " from being a total washout are a few amusing sequences , including one set in the sex education class , which did get a laugh out of me . the scenes of playing football were well-shot and thankfully didn't overstay their welcome , as many sports films fall victim to . but leaving the theater , the question i had in my mind was why did this film need to be made ? i seem to be asking this question quite a lot lately , since the same old stories seem to be cranking out of hollywood . do we really need another high-school sports film ? no , we don't , and certainly not one of this low-caliber , which felt like a cut-and-paste job of spare parts from much better , but similar , films . " varsity blues , " no doubt is the first one , however , to include an earnest scene in which one of the characters is only wearing whipped cream on their private parts . for a film touted as exploring relationships and black sexuality , trois is surprisingly tame . despite it's lurid subject matter and it's passing nod to fatal attraction , it moves along with flat , uninspired dialogue as it sets up a surprising climax that tries mightily to overthrow the considerable dead weight of the rest of the film . freshly moved to atlanta , jermaine ( dourdan ) and his wife , jasmine ( moore ) , have the trappings of a perfect life . they have a beautiful house in suburbia . jermaine is a lawyer on the fast track at his firm . jasmine is his supportive wife , who is finishing up her college degree . in an opening montage via a home video of the pair , we see the unremarkable story of their marriage and early marital triumphs . this is a couple that has it all . into this eden slithers the lure of lust . despite his outward appearance , jermaine reveals himself as selfish and covetous of his wife more as a possession than a person . a glimmer of his true nature peeks out during an early sex scene with his wife as he goes about his business , oblivious to jasmine's concerns . we also find that he has been relentlessly asking jasmine to participate in a menage- a-trois , much to jasmine's dismay . as jermaine puts it , " don't you want to be sexually free ? " jermaine shares his desire with co-worker terrence ( smith ) , who obligingly sets jermaine up with a woman who might be interested in just such an encounter . the woman , jade ( palmer ) is a direct counterpoint to jasmine . jade , at one point was a college student , too . unlike jasmine , she found herself pregnant , dropped out of school and now struggles to make ends meet . to further reinforce their differences , it's revealed that jade is involved in a custody battle over her son . inevitably , through liquor and a touch of duplicity on jermaine's part , the forbidden act is consummated . the aftermath of the encounter sidesteps into fatal attraction territory as acts of violence are perpetrated upon jermaine's property with the hint that the violence may escalate . by this point , trois shows itself to be a soap opera without the requisite melodrama : a fatal attraction without the social significance . the exploration of relationships is strictly superficial and stereotypical . jermaine comes off as insincere , sexually driven and selfish . jasmine is bland and subservient . jade comes off a bit sympathetically , but that is negated by her moral bankruptcy . yet another tale of a sexually aggressive " dog " of a man who imposes his will upon his accommodating , innocent mate . the last 10 minutes will undoubtly throw you a curve , but by this point , will you even care ? if the rest of the movie was as dynamic as the ending , perhaps there could have been some freshness to it . as it stands , trois is pretty standard fare . " mission to mars " is one of those annoying movies where , in the middle of the movie , you get the sneaking suspicion that the reason the trailer looks so good is because they showcased all the best parts of the movie : all five minutes of it . " mission " * does * give you payoff ; but when it does come , it's too little , too late . " mission " has some good ideas , but they get lost in the unbearably boring delivery , dime-a-dozen dialogue , and spate of good actors wasted in cardboard-cutout roles . i'm sure the director and writers were very proud of each hallmark moment they came up with , so they stretch each dramatic moment out like silly putty until it loses all its charm . glances don't communicate any deeper emotions just because you draw them out for five hours on end . the film spends an hour on this kind of stuff , building to its climax . a lot of it is a cliched glorification of family relationships , marriage , friendship , unite we stand divided we fall kind of crap . there are some spectacular special effects sequences in this film , and i give it points for trying to stay true to the science i know ( trying is the key word here ) . the sequence with the martian demonstrating their history is oddly beautiful and touching , but as mentioned by then we're so sick of the goddamn thing we want the movie to be over . great design , good intentions , but no cigar . if you're not a die hard sci-fi , fx or jerry o'connell fan ( his character is the only one who has some semblance of character ) , don't waste your eight bucks on this . and what the hell , tim robbins died halfway through the movie , in a stupid way too . that's just unforgiveable . my friend here in film school just made a two minute-long film for one of his classes that includes a staged anal rape scene , done by two guys and shot on the shadow of the incident , with a banana being used as the instrument of penetration . as sick as this all is , watching it is one of the most admittingly hysterical moments i've ever witnessed . sure , it may be in bad taste , but what the hell is bad taste other than something that may be offensive to some but is riotously amusing to the rest ? then there's " caligula . " this film features incest , necrophilia , beastuality , anal rape , homosexual felatio of both sexes , elaborate and lengthy orgies , a greased-up fist forced up a man's rear , wine poured down a man who's had his urinary tracts tied off , a penis chopped off and fed to hungry dogs , etc , etc , etc . this could very well be a respectable film , and if could have been had the following not occurred : a ) the events were graphically shot in clear view ; b ) the tone was not that of trying to shock comically but to , well , show " historical accuracy ; " c ) the film was a 20 million dollar production with lavish sets , a rather impressive cast , and a whopping 2 1/2 hour running time . produced and funded by none other than bob guccione , owner of penthouse magazine , " caligula " comes across as the most hysterical dramatic picture since " plan 9 from outer space " because underneath there's a sense that everything this film is doing is not only accurate and justified , but also brilliantly entertaining . after all , it's not really the fact that this film features the aforementioned disgusting moments , but that it actually believes in them as dramatic weaponry . no film should be discarded because its content , because film is never about what it's about , it's about how it's about ( as the old cliche goes ) . those who bash this film for content are glancing over the biggest and most obvious problem with " caligula , " and that's that it's nothing but overdramaticized bullshit from start to finish , without a second of credibility in its mammoth running time . " caligula " allegedly tells the true story of the evil roman emporer of the same name , a man who was so insanely decadent that his assasination came as a blessing . . . or so i guess , even though almost every single roman emporer was assasinated as well and for much the same reasons . the film opens on the wrong note , of course , with a quote from mark appearing before any image graces the screen , using the over-used passage " what shall it profit a man if he should gain the whole world an dlose his own soul , " depite the fact that the opening scene of the film is of the emporer before he was an emporer , fucking around with his own sister in a field ( i suppose if one has to lose their soul , one has to have a soul in the first place ) . the plot is so incomprehensibly done that all i or anyone else can make out of it is that caligula ( disastrously played by the great malcom mcdowell , a performance that does the opposite that his performance in " a clockwork orange " did ) is next in line for the throne but can't wait for the current emporer , tiberius ( peter o' toole - ditto , only for his performance in " lawrence of arabia " ) , his grandfather , to die . . . so he kills him and ascends to the throne . then he abuses his position , marries a woman ( helen mirren , who retains her dignity as an actor by not exactly acting ) so he doesn't just have to sleep with his sister ( a dreadful teresa ann savoy , there to be pretty , naked , and willing to hop in the sack with mac or anyone he asks her to hop in with ) , abuses his position a little more , a little more , and a little more , and then , i believe , invades england , then is killed off . the filler , instead of recounting his life , is supposed to be , as guccione claims , the ultimate portrait of decadent pagan rome , complete with orgies , vicious deaths , and lots of nudity . but instead of being the historical accurate film it really really wants to be , it instead becomes guccione's twisted masturbatory image of what it could be like . oh , isn't it great that they just loved having sex ? and that they killed people so disgustingly ? and wouldn't it be great if i could make a couple bucks by selling this shit off as accuracy even though it's so blatantly real bad porn that i've completely convinced myself that it's not . i mean , why not just show a roman orgy when i can spend a good ten minutes examining every single facet that makes it up . and it's not just that it's disgusting or vile or whatever adjective you want to use to describe this film - it's that in a film where the entire feel it's going for isn't felt , it's also the sloppiest expensive movie of all time . the sets are lavish , but so blatantly innacurate that i wonder if no historian wanting to have his name on this film explains this . but that doesn't matter since the cinematography is so dark that you wonder if a light meter was used at all , making this not only dark and ugly , but just plain dark . the camera operation is also the worst i've ever seen in my entire life . not only does this film hold the record for the most unnecessary zooms in one single shot ever , but often the camera will lose its subjects and pan around till they find them , then have them out of focus . the editing is so sloppy that some scenes are absolutely impossible to follow . there is no writer to speak of ( what the hell does it mean that it's " adapted from an original screenplay by gore vidal ? " ) , but nevertheless , the dialogue is shit , so laughably bad that i can't in good faith believe that anyone with an iq over 5 could say them with a straight face ( my favorite being the line when caligula inquires the doctor about the health of the dying tiberius : " he could go at any moment , but with care , he could last a year or so . " ) the music in this film is mostly prokofiev and khachaturian ( they use his gorgeous " adagio of spartacus and phrygia , " ad nauseum ) , used in an attempt to give the film some emotion , but instead feels as if it was shipped in from elsewhere . the orgy scenes ( and one infamous lesbo scene between penthouse pets lori wagner and aneeka dilorenzo ) are the result of reshoots by guccione himself , which are so obviously removed from everything else in this film that it only adds to the embrassment ( every five seconds or so , the film cuts to random nudity , as if it was afraid its audience would forget this film is rated " x " ) . john gielgud represents the only voice of sanity , walking around in his brief role as if he was constantly the mantra , " i'm going to kill my agent , i'm going to kill my agent . . . " and so on and so on , for over 2 1/2 hours , making " caligula " about as exciting and enriching as a three hour college lecture class and twice as deliriously annoying . guccione , in his pursuit of historical accuracy has instead made a film that is such a painstaking , arduous task to watch in its entirety that i doubt anyone can sit through an hour of it without irreversible psychological damage . throughout the entire film , the presence of guccione is easily felt , as if he were standing there at the edge of the screen , pretentiously looking down upon us saying " look what i can get away with ! and if you don't like this , then you're a prig , and worse than that , you know nothing about history ! " uh huh . there's a clear difference between historical accuracy and doing something that's artistically good . a film which showed roman decadence as something that was perhaps liberating for some but could not last - that would probably make for a good film . but using historical accuracy as a licence to get away with any kind of disgusting-for-disgustingness'-sake acts is total , total bullshit , and all i can say is that guccione and the makers of this film have lost any kind of touch with either entertainment or eroticism , and have developed a pathetic and sadistic taste for both , judging from this film . there's a film that came out in 1989 called " the cook , the thief , his wife , and her lover , " a magnifcent film by legendary cult director peter greenaway ( also starring helen mirren ) , which deals with graphic sex , heartstopping violence and gore , and even a little cannibalism for good measure . that film not only never patronized its viewers , but also handled them in a way that was shocking , yes , but also , in a bizarre way , entertaining and totally involving . there were real characters there in a real situation , and best of all passion and just the right amount of restraint as not to get off on the fact that it's going to be offensive to many . that film achieved everything it wanted to do , and has since retained a status as one of those cult films that is not only popular but actualy good . and it's everything " caligula " might have been but , alas , wasn't . remember back in the mid 1990s when crime and macabre movies were all the rage ? " pulp fiction " and " fargo " both managed to get oscar nominations for the best picture , and not surprisingly , a slew of rip-offs followed in the years thereafter . that fad seems to be over but here comes christopher mcquarrie writing and directing " the way of the gun " that at first glance looks like another of those wanna-be's but upon closer inspection doesn't look like anything comprehendable . it's a crime story so wrapped up in its own little world it has a claustrophobic atmosphere - a film that won't allow the story much room to expand outside its handful of characters and somehow still manages to turn a simple premise into something so complex its ridiculous . complexity should come as no surprise to anyone who's familiar with mcquarrie , he wrote " the usual suspects , " which has become a cult favorite despite little critical acclaim . that film had a great story and was well directed but had such an elaborate , confusing screenplay it leaves many viewers scratching their heads after repeated viewings . you have to wonder if mcquarrie really had everything mapped out or if he was going for the hollywood idea that " if it's really confusing and about criminals and cops that makes it fascinating . " with " the way of the gun " mcquarrie seems to be capitalizing on the same idea , but this time the story is far less commercial - a shame because maybe that would have helped . the film tells the story of two drifters with no ambition and barely a reason to live but aren't hell-bent on death either ( played by ryan phillipie and benecio del toro ) . they get lucky when they hear about a scheme between a big-shot exec guy and his trophy wife who are going to have a baby through in vitro fertilization . they figure they can kidnap the surrogate mother ( played by juliette lewis ) and get a nice ransom . along the way we continually learn of the shady dealings between the exec , his wife , their hired goons and the " bag man " ( played by james caan - the only actor in the film who looks like he knows what he's doing ) . the exec is some kind of money launderer so he obviously can't call the authorities for help . his goons and the bag man are on the kidnappers' trail and each make different offers to get the mother back . the exec's son is a doctor who also gets pulled into the fray and wants to make sure his patient is all right . meanwhile each of these characters has something hidden up their collective sleeves and the double-crosses , secret love affairs and torrid pasts come as no surprise even though little of it has any relevance at all . mcquarrie doesn't know the meaning of the word simple . he seems to be more interested in showing us how clever he is than making a good movie . everything has to be complicated and confusing , so much so that it's to the point of surrealism . nothing is what it seems in this reality , it's one of those movies where you get dropped right into the middle of the criminal world and are expected to know most of the industry's rules and regulations . every scene with caan's character exemplifies this perfectly - the kidnappers already know who he is and even chat with him , getting into conversations about " the business " and how it works and we're hardly given a clue as to what they're talking about . these characters are probably supposed to be great criminal sketches but they're more like ideas ripped-off from sketches found in david mamet's trash . no one here really acts like a real person , and the story is even further removed from reality . it's like a dream without any appeal . take the opening scene for example ; the phillipe and del toro characters are in a parking lot across the street from a bar or a club counting their money and stuff . they sit on a brand-new mercedes and the car alarm goes off , the owner is waiting in line and yells at them to get away from his car but they don't move . the guy and his loud-mouth , potty-mouth girlfriend and about 20 other people cross the street and gang up on them . you'd think phillipe ? and del toro are ? going to pull out guns and scare them away but they don't , instead phillipe throws one punch and the two get beat down by a mob . there's a lot of things i didn't understand about this scene : first of all the owner of the mercedes isn't some yuppie or old rich snob , he's like a hippie straight out of the 60s . secondly , the two main characters seem to believe that they can actually take on the mob unarmed . lastly , it serves no purpose in the long run because later in the film the two are packing more artillery than a small country's army . if they were suicidal they wouldn't have gone on the kidnapping job in the first place ( and where they get all those guns is never explained either ) . there's a lot more i could pick apart about this film but that would be an exercise in futility . what it all comes down to is that nothing here is what it seems - which would be great if this movie were about pretty much any other story than what it is . absolutely none of the characters are likable or believable . and it's all coated with a thin layer of black comedy which is good for a chuckle here and there but this film is definitely not a flat-out black comedy and its use of such seems like a desperate attempt to kill screen time . with any film you see , whether you like it or not , you can at least understand what the appeal was to it , why someone would want to make it and why someone would want to see it . i can't say either for " the way of the gun , " because it has very little going for it and i can't imagine anyone intelligently defending it . _dirty_work_ has a premise of deliciously mean-spirited potential . mitch weaver ( norm macdonald ) and his lifelong best friend sam mckenna ( artie lange ) are losers in life : they were constantly picked on in school , and now they cannot hold regular jobs . but as the trailer goes , " there is one thing mitch weaver is good at--revenge . " so he and sam parlay their unmatched skill in getting-even schemes into a marketable revenge-for-hire business called dirty work inc . this should be the groundwork for a wonderfully wicked black comedy , but for a film called _dirty_work_ , what ensues is rather clean of spirit . in fact , what makes mitch and sam start up their business is not a giddy desire to give bullies a taste of their own medicine , but rather a more sappy reason : sam's father ( jack warden ) needs a heart transplant , and in order for him to move at the top of the recipient list , his compulsively betting doctor ( chevy chase ) asks the guys for $50 , 000 to pay off his bookie . so for all the scheming that goes on , beneath every underhanded plot is--gasp ! --a heart , which undercuts the inherent nastiness of the premise . not that there isn't a lot of nastiness on display--there is , but of a different sort . there are frequent sexual references , most prominently in the form of prostitutes and sam's impotent father's ongoing lust for them . and for a film rated pg-13 , director bob saget ( yes , that bob saget , of _full_house_ and _america's_funniest_home_videos_ fame ) and writers frank sebastiano , fred wolf , and macdonald himself , stretch the boundaries of good taste rather far--arguably a bit too much so ( was not one , but two separate instances of sodomy between animals really necessary ? ) . but the issue , of course , is not so much of taste as it is humor--as in , is it funny or not ? the answer is a resounding no . it's not that macdonald isn't a funny guy . he was one of the more consistently funny performers on _saturday_night_live_ before his much-talked-about firing , and his dry brand of smartass wit translates well to the big screen ; it also doesn't hurt that he's a natural , likable screen presence . he is able to give some of his lines a nice acid touch , but , for the most part , the oneliners , as written , are flat , and the broad slapstick gags just don't work ( one running gag has him being literally tossed out of buildings--a real riot ) . still , macdonald's few shining moments are just about the only moments the film has . the late chris farley , as hysterical as he ever was , is amusing in a cameo role , but , as a whole , the supporting players are amateurish and seemingly free from any directorial guidance . saget tries to juice up the proceedings with kitschy cameos by gary coleman , adam sandler , and john goodman , but their minimal novelty value cannot prevent _dirty_work_ from sputtering to the end of its brief 81-minute running time . the film closes on a sad note of desperation , an indulgent reel of outtakes from which only those involved in the production would derive any amusement . come to think of it , i cannot imagine anyone but those involved in the production to find much amusement in the entirety of _dirty_work_ . america's favorite homicidal plaything takes a wicked wife in " bride of chucky , " and their unholy matrimony is something old , nothing new . the burning question on the minds of most moviegoers , however , has nothing to do with nuptial specifics or even how the movie stacks up , but rather whether or not the duo gets down and dirty on their blood-soaked honeymoon . the answer is a sick-and-twisted yes - and viewers are treated to a shadowy glimpse of some hot-enough-to-melt-rubber ( or at least singe it ) lovin' . guess they're anatomically correct . chucky ( again voiced by brad dourif ) , of course , is the star of the " child's play " series , a my buddy-type doll possessed by the spirit of a slain serial killer . in " bride , " the plot ( heh ) picks up with his girlfriend tiffany ( jennifer tilly ) resurrecting chucky's remains ( he was blown up at the end of " child's play 3 " ) with the help of a black arts manual called " voodoo for dummies . " silly mortal . before long , she's also been reduced to shin-high figurine status , and the plastic incarnations of these one-time lunatic lovebirds hit the road to scope out some potential new human bodies . the rest of this rocky horror puppet show plays out as tiff and the chuckster stalk a young couple ( nick stabile and katherine heigl ) with conjugal plans of their own , leading them towards a new jersey grave where a magical , soul-transferring amulet allegedly lies in wait . along the way , our murderous barbie and ken go through post-marriage motions similar to any given pair of newlyweds - bicker , argue , kiss and make up . but when they squabble over who's going to do the dishes , watch out . hey , even faux people have got to work through their problems . director ronny yu keeps the mayhem flashy and stages an inventive scene or two , but not even visual flair can make up for the fact that these creepy kewpies are neither scary nor menacing . when one of them charges , it's nothing a good forward punt couldn't take care of . and when a climactic chase scene is needed , one of the dim-bulb protagonists must _pick_chucky_up_ so the demonic toy can force his hostage to run at gunpoint . throw in some silly casualties and a ridiculous ending ( will " son of chucky " be next ? ) and this is a bizarrely bad 89-minutes at the movies . as is the thing to do in post- " scream " slasher cinema , don mancini's screenplay slathers on the in-jokes and genre-parody . but little of the humor succeeds , proving self-reference can be completely worthless when it lacks bite . to be fair , though , most of " bride of chucky " is on auto-pilot , so it's not quite right to single out one misfired aspect of the film . similarly shaky , the acting ranges from screeching camp to boring bland , the effects aren't that special and the story is one big groaner . here's hoping chucky and his entire clan - past , present and future - rest in peace . this is the first film in what would become the most successful series of horror films of all time . a fair warning to those of you who might be inclined to watch this movie for the first appearance of everyone's favorite goalie-mask-wearing homicidal maniac . jason , the guy who single handedly controlled the overpopulation problem around the crystal lake area , doesn't start his quest to find the most interesting household item with which to kill someone until the sequel . while he does have a small role in this film , we the audience have to depend on another blood thirsty maniac to rack up the body count . the plot , like every other friday the 13th movie goes something like this -- crazed killer murders as many unsuspecting teenagers as he/she/it possibly can in the space of a 90 minute movie . the reasons that the afore mentioned unsuspecting teenagers come into contact with the bloodthirsty killer are usually of little importance to the story . but for those of you out there that might actually care about such trivial matters in a movie such as a plot , here are the basics . a bunch of unsuspecting teens get a summer job at a long closed summer camp . they are days away from the arrival of the kids and they are spending their time fixing the place up and making sure it is ready for the kids . sadly , they start being butchered one by one by the bloodthirsty killer . at this point i would usually say something about the quality of acting , directing or maybe something about the high quality of the production . since i'm not going to do that , feel free to assume that if i did , it wouldn't be positive . i will say that this movie looks as if it was made for about a hundred bucks , and that includes the actors' salaries . if you are used to recent horror films like scream , you are in for a bit of a surprise . the only saving grace for friday the 13th is that it was really the first of its kind , with the killer taking real pride in their work . using as many methods of murder as they could . none of this single murder weapon stuff life that unimaginative leatherface in chainsaw massacre , or the creatively stifled imagination of halloween's michael myers who just used brute force or a really big kitchen knife . nope , in the friday the 13th movies , you can always count on the killer taking great pride in his work . one fun fact about this movie is that the cast includes a very young kevin bacon , although after this movie it is a wonder he ever worked again . the main reason to see friday the 13th is if you want to watch all of the series from the beginning . if not , stick with the later films with jason , everyone's favorite hockey fan . friday the 13th is the sort of movie that is fun to sit down and get a couple of scares from , just don't sit down expecting a whole lot . there's a good , and timely , story trapped deep within the excess of murder in the first , a new movie about the abuses of our prison system . with a country wrapped up in feverish debate over the crime issue and the rights of the accused and the incarcerated in jeopardy , this expose would offer something rare to recent american movies--a point of view . but director marc rocco makes it clear from the beginning that pretentious , often nauseating , camera movements and slick , mtv- style lighting and editing are far more important . there's not a moment in the picture where he surrenders technique for pure storytelling . and everything suffers . christian slater and kevin bacon star as defense attorney and alcatraz inmate , respectively . after spending an unprecedented amount of time in an isolated cell for attempting to escape , bacon murders another prisoner and faces trial . his young lawyer ( slater ) is fresh out of law school but determined to " put alcatraz on trial " for the abuses of it warden ( gary oldman ) . the result is the usual courtroom theatrics- imagine a stanley kramer production shot by hyperactive film school students . there's very little to praise here outside of kevin bacon's earnest overacting and the appropriate story . there's a lot of overacting from everyone--you know you're in trouble right away when r . lee ermey ( the drill sergeant in full metal jacket ) is cast as a judge , the center of reason and moderation . slater has never been convincing and certainly isn't here and oldman is on a bad streak of hammy performances . but the worst feeling you get while watching murder in the first is that the man behind the camera could care less about telling a good story . there are long exchanges of dialogue where the camera is not even moving near the characters , let alone with them . how frustrating it must be for actors to work under these conditions . if there's anything that has alway distinguished american films over the rest of the world , it is our ability to tell a good story . have we forgotten ? this is the worst movie i've viewed so far in 98 . the avengers = silly = man dressed in a bowler hat + woman wearing tight leathers > evil scientists dressed in teddy bear suits + greater evil , sir august de wynter wearing kilt . the question is what could have gone wrong with a potentially great idea with big name cast ? the same question was probably asked of last year's stinker batman and robin . i feel the production got a little too smug , the script a little to smart and direction was somehow lost in the chaos of random events that collided together to form a movie . my greatest criticism rests on the fact that there was no chemistry between emma peel and john steed ( thurman and fiennes ) ? something that was a vital element of the 60's tv serial of the same name . the dialogue goes on and on about tea and other finer british perks , but does not allow much room for character development and interaction , except to perhaps grate on the viewer's nerves . one wonders why the dynamic pair bother kissing in the end except for pure english formality . connery as sir august , does not fair better than thurman or fiennes . his dialogue is as erratic as stormy weather , mostly embarrassing and poor quality . if there is a movie you would prefer never to see , i believe the avengers would be a good choice . for one thing , you will not have to witness a product that is far inferior to the three high profile names that is associated with the title . i cannot understand how something so poorly produced could have been released , but i put it down to one of those freak happenings in nature , like lightning you can't see it coming until it hits you . synopsis : big-breasted and dim-witted sculptress britt gets really mad at her grad student boyfriend because he spends too much time on his thought-transference experiments instead of her art showings . elderly , evil scientist everett longstreet switches minds with britt's boy , in the meantime , and goes completely mental . comments : naked souls opens with a naked woman , and the movie makes no illusion that it's a sci-fi vehicle designed to show pamela anderson's , um , talents . if you are really interested in seeing anderson's talents , however , i suggest you skip over this dud and watch the infamous pam and tommy lee honeymoon sex tape , now available on home video . at least with that " movie , " you don't have to go through the painful experience of watching pamela try to pronounce multiple syllable words like " eclectic . " a premise does exist in the movie . basically , while anderson wears skimpy clothes which barely contain her talents , she practices her art -- brilliantly slapping plaster of paris on naked women . her boyfriend , meanwhile , spends 20 hours a day in a morgue trying to view the memories of dead prison inmates because this will " make a difference to humanity . " whatever . the movie fails to explain how these two hooked up . be grateful . after we meet the evil everett longstreet , lots of technobabble and mystical mumbo-jumbo get tossed about , pammy has sex replete with cheesy make-out music , and minds get transferred . never fear , though , pammy uses her sharp mental abilities ( ahem ) to save her boyfriend in the end . unfortunately , no one saves the movie . avoid this would-be sci-fi thriller , unless you're in for a good laugh or two . mr . bean , a bumbling security guard from england is sent to la to help with the grandiose homecoming of a masterpiece american painting . the first two words should have said enough to let you know what occurs during bean's trip to la , but if they didn't look out because you are in for a rather interesting if not odd ride . heck depending on your humor you might end up laughing through the whole flick . either way look out america bean is coming . well , what can really be said about this movie , there is very little discernible plot . that much is not hard to grapple with for it is a slapstick comedy . it achieves that goal rather admirably , but because it is that , the plot is just screaming for help . the whole premise that the movie is based on is to say the least flawed . the movie had its funny moments but there was no real story line other than something that could be thought up on a whim and carried through and in many causes ad-libbed as you went . don't go into this movie expecting and theatrical masterpiece . but if this form of humor floats your boat then you will truly enjoy this movie , even if you don't like slapstick style humor you will end up laughing because something's are just so stupid . the movie goes out and accomplishes what it aims , or so it seems . now when you look at the acting in this movie you have to think about two things , first was there any real acting and how hard is it to act in the slapstick manner . well , there was no real acting in this movie but some of the slapstick wasn't the easiest i am sure . i have to concede that mr . atkinson's acting in this movie is well done . although the role isn't too demanding the slapstick is . i think that the character could have had a bit more dialogue , it would have added quite a bit to the overall effect of the movie . now the rest of the actors in the movie , bad acting and poor casting . i think that the role opposite bean could have been better , just seemed wrong for the movie . a different actor might have done a better job of it but i wont presume that wasn't what was trying to be achieved . one thing that i must say , simply to get if off my chest is that i think transferring a sitcom to tv usually produces rather disastrous results . tv shows should do just that stay on tv , it will probably save some producers from getting ulcers . i can only think of a couple examples of tv going to the big screen effectively , the best known of those would have to be star trek . bean seriously fails to accomplish anything close to what that series gone movie achieved . now another thing that i have to state again is this movie has narrowed its target audience fairly tightly . the form of humor in this movie will not be liked by most people , these people will think like i did that this movie is stupid and pointless . but if you like the tv show you might actually like this movie . but to be on the safe side i am opting to recommend you save your money and not go to see this movie . there are many movies that are truly worth seeing unlike this one . wonderland is a rather sugary romance film that is as subtle as a ton of bricks falling on you . you can see its plot developing from a mile away . you are lured into its benign story of a single 29-year-old girl looking for a soul mate in boston , as that city is depicted as a mini-wonderland for singles . this is a star oriented film , and the star who carries the film is erin ( hope davis ) . that this is a dating film , about singles who for reasons of fate or luck , or whatnot , have not had a successful match and are now putting most of their energy into fulfilling their careers , is nothing new , this type of film has been done often and better many times in contemporary films . the fictionalized documentary unmade beds did it more provocatively and with more of a sense of urgency than this film . the main quirk in the plot here , is that hope's pushy mother ( hollan ) visits her in boston , sees her daughter's live-in relationship with a radical protester ( hoffman ) breakup and decides to put a personal ad in the newspaper for her harvard medical school drop-out daughter , who works as a nurse . this is done without her knowledge . it is cornball sitcom stuff , but , at least , it is handled as best it could be by the actors and director . it is easy to like erin , she is bright , caring , and attractively blonde . it is equally easy to care for the soul mate she keeps missing contact with , the financially strapped , ruggedly handsome , intelligent 35-year-old alan ( alan ) , who no longer wants to work with his father as a plumber but is doing volunteer work at the aquarium and attending college to be a marine biologist . of course , he comes across as being so good ( though , he does kill some fish in the aquarium ) , that it is hard to believe he's for real , or just some cardboard shining knight put into the story to give it an ideal to shoot for . the contrived story revolves around their near misses in meeting each other in such spots as , the subway , at a restaurant , or on the phone . alan's brother answers erin's ad with a few of his pals , as they each try to respond to her ad in a phony way , making a bet that the first who gets to tongue kiss her , that the others witness , will win the bet . this sub-plot was as obnoxious to see take place as it is to hear told . that we have to see erin go through several dates to prove the point how ego sick these guys are , each one more annoying than the other , culminating in the most obnoxious one of all , that brazilian lover ( jose ) , who is about as charming as a snake-oil salesman , who is actually the one she nearly flies away with for a holiday in brazil , was not only incredulous but downright contrary to the rich presentation of her character that was the heart of the story . anyway , as expected , all's well that ends well , for this watchable piece of fluff , that comes over on screen better than it does when relating its story-line . the dialogue was actually not bad , those dating erin or trying to flirt with her seemed to be uttering authentic things they would actually say in their situation . and , oh , by the way , wonderland refers to the stop on the boston metro , it is where greyhound racing takes place . be warned . . brit love story in the offing . effeminate , mild-mannered karl is about to take a beatng from a bunch of ruffians at school as he bathes himself under a shower , his genitals tucked between his legs in the manner of a posing transvestite . he is only just saved by prentice , who appears in all respects barring his protective attitude towards karl to be your average street-wise punk-in-the-making . the ensuing scene ends up with both boys being ridiculed and then unfairly expelled from the school . they do not see each other for another eighteen yeas . in that time , prentice has matured into a somewhat loveable , if brash and bull-heaed goon who screws up his jobs and relationships while gamely clinging onto perennial adolescence via lether jackets , motorcycles and punk rock music . karl , on the other hand , has grown up to become kim , a drabby , insecure woman who works as a verse writer for a greeting card company . chance brings the two together , and love , such as will inevitably blossom in your quirky british romantic comedy , is what this skewed little story is largely about . if at this point you think you're going to get any cheap laughs with that gender-bending theme ( see the birdcage , to wong foo . . . , priscilla queen of the desert ) , you can just go home and brood on your own maladjusted sexuality you low-life deadbeat . kim is a post-operative transsexual , thank you very much . . . a new-born woman for all purposes , with confusions and sensitivities that deserve treatment with a touch of delicacy . personally , give me those cheap laughs any day . i'd rather enjoy obvious camp than endure the shallow exploration of a soft- hearted transsexual love story . different for girls comes up with a promising enough proposition , but does nothing that surpasses the merely workmanlike with it . by refusing to make the audience really uncomfortable with the notion of kim and prentice's relation- ship , or at the very least feel uncomfortable for them ( prentice for example , doesn't seem to give hiself all that much grief when he becomes attracted to kim despite being a fight-picking , beer-drinking , macho kind of guy , and kim , for all her insecurities and fears is always saved any truly disturbing victimisation in the film ) , and instead drawing them into a basically wimpy love story , the film manages to lobotomise itself . lightweight comedy as it's doomed to be , it could've still have hacked it with the requisitive endearing couple . but this doesn't either , since even mrs doubtfire is sexier than steven mackintosh's kim foyle , and as either sex , he's just plainly a simpering wanker nobody should like . prentice does though , and that's never explained . but then rupert graves gives us so heroic performance as prentice , the guy who never grew up ( and if there is a bafta prize for most convincing portrayal of a rabid fan at a buzzcocks' concert , he should win that too ) that i guess there's no reason to explain why he's so screwed up . if oddly enough you grow to like this show , you'll be wanting your happy ending , and the film won't fail you there either . snide underling at kim's office gets her come-uppance . misogynistic police officer who beats up prentice gets his come-uppance . the couple prevail against a disagreeable society and come together in kim's apartment . kim's sister and her impotent sarge-type husband kiss and make up after a tiff ( tv movie sub-plot with incidental juxtaposition ) . and best of all , kim sheds her insecurities and learns how to ride the motorcycle and wear leathers , making prentice ride pilion . awwww . terrific closure . happy ending . but just what is it that's differnt for girls anyway ? if you figure that one out , let me know . the flying inkpot rating system : * wait for the tv2 broadcast . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . a silly film that tries to be a black comedy but plays more like lightweight comedy , with its main asset being a beautiful film location along spain's mountainous coastline . howard pigeon ( jeff goldblum ) is a 40-year-old mineral water salesman who is married for 13 years to a wife constantly nagging him , elizabeth ( mimi rogers ) . after a surprise birthday party for him , where his wife bawls him out for coming late to his surprise party , he confides to his best friend that he can't stand it anymore , and then tells him his plan to kill her while vacationing in the same barcelona hotel where they spent their honeymoon . jeff is going through a severe mid-life crises , worried that he looks older than his age . he incessantly talks to himself , mostly agonizing over his bitter marriage and chastising himself why he went out with elizabeth for a second time , and then why he married her just because she laughed at his jokes and was attractive . he stutters and acts like a man who has lost his confidence . things change on their vacation , as elizabeth makes an effort to be nice while jeff now becomes the grouch . he nervously rehearses his murder plan in the hotel room . by accident the gun goes off and into the pillow where he imagined elizabeth would be sitting . when other hotel guests and staff come to check about the gunshot , he nervously explains that it was the tv . realizing how unworkable his plan is , he places the gun in the shattered pillow and throws it into the ocean while he waits for elizabeth . but elizabeth found his behavior odd during the entire trip , and when after a great deal of effort to get a reservation at the hotel's 5 star restaurant he insists on eating in the room , she decides she had enough of him and checks out without telling him . as a result , he goes to the police to report her missing . while with the police , a telegram comes from his wife saying she left him and is going away because she wants to be alone . his boss and all those he works with are sympathetic to him , and he gets a job promotion . but soon the pillow with the gun is fished out of the water , giving the police cause to arrest him and search his home . there they find letters he has written incriminating him to the murder . the police also find out from the hotel staff about the gunshot heard in his room . in jail , things look bad for him . no one believes him , including his friends and lawyer . his boss fires him and the papers have a field day with the headline story : pigeon : a jailbird . out on bail , he realizes that his only hope is to track down his wife . through a call placed on his credit card , he tracks her down to a mountain resort . once there he learns that she took a hike up the steep mountain and he gets a priest to be his mountain guide after telling him the true story . the film is watchable just for the antics of the jeff goldblum comic performance . he is someone coming apart by the seams , while mimi rogers is his perfect foil . it was mostly pantomine humor , with the comedy charged in the changing facial expressions of the characters and the absurdity of the situation . a very minor farce that might appeal to the sitcom crowd . the film just didn't take its situation seriously and the story had many gaps in it , so it had no chance for black humor to develop . it instead played its set-up of the henpecked husband acting out his fantasy strictly for entertainment value to see how many chuckles it could draw . * * * be warned . . . the following review contains some harsh language * * * the blair witch project . quite possibly the least scariest movie of all time . if you want to see real terror on the big screen go back and watch any scene with jar jar binks in the phantom menace , because this movie is not scary or even remotely creepy . my colleague and friend chuck dowling wrote that if less is more , then the blair witch filmmakers must have thought that nothing is more . and this worked for him . well , i'm sorry , but nothing . . . is nothing ! ! ! ! ! nothing is not more . it's nothiiiiiinggggggggggg ! ! ! ! ! ! . i do not pay 5 dollars to see nothing . " nothing " is free , available all around the world at a location near you . i am absolutely in amazement that some people find this movie scary . i could just discount them and say , " well , i guess they are just pansy chicken shits who are probably scared of their own shadow . " but i have intelligent friends who like this movie and so that doesn't hold water . there must be some other reason . ( then again , maybe my first thought is correct , i think i'll try pointing their shadow out to them one day and test their reaction . ) when i hear people praising this film , i never hear them talking about what makes up about 97% of this movie : three kids bickering with each other about being lost . they only talk about what might make up possibly 3 to 4 minutes of screen time . this being a few very short night scenes where the kids hear some unscary sounds and another where they shout " josh ! ! " over and over . this film should not be called the blair witch project , it should more accurately be called three dumb and pisspoor filmmakers get lost . . . and argue with each other . oh ladies and gentlemen you will be so scared when you hear them shouting " josh ! ! " . and if you thought that was scary , wait till you see a pile of rocks , and then some tinkertoy lincoln logs , oh my dear lord you will be pissing in your pants with fear . oh yeah , and some goo on one of their backpacks . you've never seen terror like this folks , and you don't want to . the chevy chase/goldie hawn comedy foul play is creepier than this film . ( for current films , i highly recommend the sixth sense or a stir of echoes for a creepy filmgoing experience . ) this film is an example of marketing with no substance . the marketing was brilliant , and the whole nation is in awe of just the premise for the film . they want this film to be good . and i think they are reaching and praising the wrong movie because they don't have anything else to praise . that wonderful film that rejuvenates the horror genre may come along , but this is not it . this film could have been so much better . just think , if maybe there had been only 10 minutes of arguing about being lost , and 80 minutes of nighttime stuff . i saw this movie with a girl who was extremely pumped for it . she was sold on this film . and then , at one point during it , she turned to me and asked ' . . . are we supposed to be scared by this ? ' . i've heard one opinion that you " have to use your imagination " to create the fear in this movie . well , i thought that was what the filmmakers were supposed to do . use their imagination and create a good movie . i mean anyone can use their imagination and not pay 5 bucks for it . but even if you like this idea , then what are you imagining ? an entity called the blair witch ? some rednecks fucking with these kids ? are either of these things really scary when you think about it ? ? ? i've heard several people say that this movie makes them recall how scary it can be to be out in the woods and hear something . well sure thats scary in real life , but there are a lot of things that are scary in real life that are not scary in a movie nor even interesting . you could sit in your house and see a snake or a spider and it could be scary , but in a film it wouldn't be . and no , a movie does not need a big budget or cgi special effects to be scary or creepy . actually the less the better ( see the equally awful remake of the haunting ) . but you have to do something . you cant just count on us all having nostalgic memories of how something like this could be scary , if it were real . and by the way , about the shakycam filming in blair witch . aren't these supposed to be " filmmakers " who should know how to point a camera and shoot something without shaking the camera constantly ? i'm not even talking about the couple scenes where they are terrified , that's justified . i'm talking about the other 87 minutes of the movie where they can't seem to shoot anything smoothly at all . minor quibble there . there is a feeling in me that the people that like this movie are suckers . that the filmmakers are just laughing their asses off all the way to the bank . and i think there is a good chance they will see this film again and say to themselves " what was i thinking ? ? " . but , if they don't , then thats fine . if it works for them then that's okay i guess . i just lament that by making this movie a hit , we are going to be subjected to more of the " nothing is more " approach . pretty soon we're going to get some movies like this : just a still shot of a prison jail cell . for 90 minutes . and we'll have to use our imagination and think to ourselves , " my god , wouldn't it be scary to spend life in prison ? ! ! this movie is the scariest movie of all time ! ! ! ! ! " . or , a shot of a coffin , with some funeral directors arguing with each other . " man , do you know how scary it would be to die ? ? ? ! ! ! ! now this is the scariest movie of all time ! ! ! ! " [r] there were four movies that earned jamie lee curtis the title of " scream queen " in the early '80s . two of them were halloween movies , but the other two -- prom night and terror train -- were the uninspired knockoffs that came directly after the success of halloween . the same " god , i'm scared , there's some guy in a mask coming after me " routine she did in john carpenter's classic , jamie lee copies here , with none of the urgency or suspense . terror train takes place on ( where else ? ) a train , charted by some pre-med students finishing their first four years of higher education . most of them won't make it to med school , though , and it's obvious from the foreshadowing done when the conductor complains , " i wish to hell they'd put a radio on that train . " the conductor character probably has the most lines of anyone , even jamie lee . from the beginning , he's talking his head off ( he tells one of his co-workers " think on this -- when's the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station ? " as if it makes any kind of sense ) and it only gets better as he engages himself in an argument about the benefits of railroad over recreational vehicles . of course , the loudmouth conductor is the first person to find a bloody body , which is then gone when he brings a skeptical trainman back to view it . i forgot to mention the prologue . it's a party three years earlier , with the same group of students . two of them play a trick on a geeky frat pledge , promising him he's going to get laid . they send jamie lee up to stand behind the bed and talk to the geek as he comes in , noticing a form on the bed . she says , " kiss me , kenny , " and he kisses the body on the bed , which happens to be a cadaver . ( " oh my god , they killed kenny ! you bastards ! " ) it's a sick trick , and one jamie lee wasn't let in on . she still hasn't forgiven the guy as they board the terror train ( " you asshole , you can't have a good time without hurting somebody ! " ) . the killing starts before the train even leaves the station . since it's new year's , everyone's wearing disguises ( a convenient plot device we've seen before ) , and someone stabs the guy in the groucho mask when no one's looking . at least one of the characters says it's a groucho mask ; when the killer dons it and steps aboard , it looks like gene shalit who , by the way , would make a great killer in a slasher movie . speaking of weird-looking dorks who still persist on the entertainment scene , one of terror train's most famous gimmicks is the appearance of david copperfield " as the magician , " who regails those aboard with illusions set to disco music . then there's his greatest trick -- getting laid with hair that looks like that . for all its attempts at visual style and substance , terror train is more lionel than amtrak , more prom night than halloween , and nothing really worth watching . only die-hard fans of jamie lee curtis and david copperfield ( if he truly has any fans ) should even attempt to watch it . and it makes me wonder if a horror movie set in an rv could be much worse . i mean , when was the last time someone built a shopping mall next to a train station , anyway ? terror train is definitely the cinematic equivalent of a sleeper car . according to hitchcock and various other filmmakers , isolated motels , diners , gas stations and similar establishments in american southwest can be rather dangerous place for weary travellers . at the beginning of eye of the storm , 1991 german- american thriller directed by yuri zeltser , one of such places becomes deadly for their owners who get murdered during the stick up . ten years later their son steven ( played by bradley gregg ) , who was blinded during the incident , still runs motel together with his older brother ray ( played by craig sheffer ) . hardly anything happens there until alcoholic and abusive william gladstone ( played by dennis hopper ) gets stranded there with his attractive wife sandra ( played by lara flynn boyle ) . their unexpected presence creates the chain of the events that would end in bloodshed . yuri zeltser , author of this film , was obviously inspired by hitchcock's psycho , but he chose to add some new and potentially interesting elements to the original plot . instead of norman bates we have two brothers - one of them traumatised physically , another mentally . sexual tension between beautiful female patron and shy motel clerk is heightened with the presence of alcoholic husband . eye of the storm is impressive in visual sense , with photography by karl walter lindenlaub providing a lot of claustrophobic atmosphere . the acting is fine - hopper , gregg and boyle are comfortable with their roles , but sheffer at times overacts his psycho routine . unfortunately , eye of the storm , which was supposed to be intense psychological drama , deteriorates into cheap and predictable slasher flick during melodramatic finale . in the end , this film reminds us that original approach can't prevent filmmakers from wasting too many opportunities . ( special note to the profiler fans : ally walker appears in the beginning of the film in the small role of killer's girlfriend . ) if you've been following william fichtner's career ( and there's absolutely no reason why you should have ) , you might have noticed that he's played some rather similar roles over the years . like sully in " the perfect storm " --tough , gruff , and a little bit scary . or law in " albino alligator " --tough , gruff , and little bit scarier . or colonel william sharp in " armageddon , " or dwayne engelman in " strange days , " or even his brief appearance towards the beginning of " pearl harbor , " as the abusive father of danny--here is an actor who gravitates towards tough , gruff , hard-hitting roles . which is why his performance in " what's the worst that could happen ? " is such a shock , such a delight . in the film , fichtner plays a blonde haired , meticulously dressed , overtly effeminate , dog-loving detective . as alex tardio , fichtner's performance borders on caricature but goes beyond it . it borders on offensive but doesn't really manage it . and it borders on clich ? d stereotype but doesn't quite succumb to that definition either . in a role so diametrically opposed to what the actor has played before we should have seen it coming , fichtner isn't perfect--you can see him struggling a little at times , concentrating a little too hard on the look as he swishes his hand through the air , or nuzzles a coiffed canine up close and personal--but he's pretty damned good , and silly , and without question the best thing in the film . in fact , had it not been for fitchner's sudden and bizarre appearance , and his jarring screen presence thereafter , i would have walked out , for " what's the worst that could happen ? " is mesmerizing in its awfulness , a poorly written , haphazardly edited , and totally unfunny ( yes , it stars martin lawrence and danny devito so how could that be possible ? ) moviegoing experience . fichtner's performance doesn't exactly save the film , and it's not like i'm recommending " what's the worst that could happen ? " solely on the strength of the actor's dramatic turnaround , but his contributions do raise the film's rating from no stars to one-and-a-half . thumbs up to fichtner then , and thumbs down--way , way , down--to everyone else involved in this sorry mess , a movie so dull and pedestrian and nonsensical it doesn't even warrant discussion . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . it's rather easy to start tuning out after about twenty minutes of finn taylor's first feature film , dream with the fishes , when the plodding , tedious opening sequence finally pays off with a potentially provocative setup . any hopeful expectations , however , are soon vanquished as the film settles upon being an uninvolving mismatched-buddy movie which is rarely as funny as it aspires to be nor nearly as affecting as it eventually strives to be in the film's latter half . the film's central characters are terry ( david arquette ) , a depressed , lonely voyeur who claims to be despondent since the death of his wife in an automobile accident , and nick ( brad hunt ) , a carefree young street tough later revealed to be terminally ill . nick lives in the apartment building across from terry , who spies on the trysts between nick and girlfriend liz ( kathryn erbe ) with his trusty set of binoculars , but the two young men first formally meet at the bay bridge where a half-drunk terry precariously teeters upon the edge , unconvincingly vowing suicide . nick casually asks for terry's wristwatch , and eventually cons terry into a trade - the watch for a bottle of pills . of course , terry finds that the pills do not end up having the presumed lethal effects , and he angrily sets out to find nick in order to retrieve his watch . learning of nick's condition ( he only has a handful of weeks left ) , terry's compassion kicks in , and the two eventually come to a distinctly peculiar arrangement - terry will agree to bankroll the dying nick's lifelong fantasies , and nick will fulfill terry's death wish by killing him . this is a promising premise , and mr . taylor's film could have gone any number of ambitious ways from this point , but he instead chooses to capitalise upon the obvious inversion of the characters ( terry is a repessed , mournful character who wants to die , while nick is a free spirit with a joie de vivre who is dying but wants to live ) and takes the easy route out by turning dream with the fishes into a typical lark where the two characters engage in a series of generally dull exploits , and where the straight-laced character learns to enjoy and ppreciate life when hooked up with a quirky character . this is by-the-numbers plotting , buddy movie/road movie redux . however , dream with the fishes is most hampered not by its uninspired storyline , but by the characters which carry the story - it helps in such a film to have at least one of the protagonists be at least somewhat empathetic , if not likeable . unfortunately , that is not the case here , where both of the film's leading characters are thorougly uninteresting and annoying , giving the audience very little to sympathise with their respective plights , and even less reason to want to follow their onscreen exploits . far from a romp , this fatal flaw makes dream with fishes more like a chore to endure than a playful jaunt , and undermines the attempts at emotional resonance in the latter stages of the film as the two men begin to bond . mr . taylor's dialogue sporadically falls flat in dream with the fishes - while attempting to capture a quirky and clever tone , it too often comes across instead as hopelessly contrived ( witness such lines as " you should have asked something more interesting , like 'do you enjoy the pain ? ' - see , that's provocative , leaves room for further questions . " ) the film enjoys a few inspired moments - the urn scene , a session of nude bowling , the policeman joining in on terry and nick's acid trip - but unfortunatetely these instances are few and far between , and for the most part the humour in dream with the fishes registers more as attempts rather than actual successes . this occurs particularly often during the film's opening sequence - as terry is wrestling the bedridden nick for his watch in the hospital , i'm realising that this is * intended * to be funny , although nary a smile crept upon my lips - which is probably due to the obvious fact that it's painfully clear to the audience from the outset that terry is going to be thwarted in his initial suicide attempts , sapping any element of surprise or amusement from nick's scheme of tricking him ; this is not a film which has the wherewithal to kill off its leading star in the opening ten minutes . the entire sequence is , then , clearly an exercise for character exposition , with attempts at humour terribly diminished by utter predictability . among the cast , coming off best is david arquette , the current master in the portrayal of meek , squirming , stammering fresh-faced characters - he would have been terrific as the lead for george huang's swimming with sharks - who gets to apply his adeptness for timidity as terry . mr . taylor ambitiously employs an interesting visual technique , where the portions of the film set in an urban environment have been processed to appear extremely grainy and heavily saturated , as opposed to a bright , crisp look for the smalltown scenes . the charge of dream with the fishes's protagonists being wholly unempathetic is a bit of an odd one coming from me ; i seem to have a predilection for films with unlikeable characters , and indeed , in many cases have i been in the minority , supporting films which have been condemned as interminable due to the difficult , audience-unfriendly nature of their characters . for dream with the fishes , though , i did find myself on the flip side of coin , often hoping that the film would quickly conclude , and that the nick character would just hurry up and die . for his directoral debut , gary oldman chose a highly personal family drama about a violent , alcoholic husband and father , and the various lives he affects . but while the characters , places and events may have special meaning to the writer-director , the audience is left in the dark . the center of this tale is the abusive raymond ( ray winstone ) , and the film focuses on him and the people who orbit around him . he spends his days hanging out with his friends at pubs and girlie bars . then , he returns home to his pregnant wife , valerie ( kathy burke ) and their five-year-old daughter . raymond demonstrates his violent tendencies ( and his paranoid delusions ) early on when he accuses valerie's brother , billy ( charlie creed-miles ) , of stealing . raymond then proceed to beat ( and bite ) him to a bloody wreck . but these are the least of billy's problems . billy is a heroin addict on the downturn , and it doesn't seem that he'll last much longer . billy and valerie's mother , janet ( laila morse ) , is raymond's nemesis . she disapproves of him ( and he of her ) , but is powerless to do anything about it . she merely struggles on , hoping her children will survive their respective torments . if this description seems bleak , i haven't told the half of it . this is not a cheery movie , and most of the time it's downright depressing . while at times it is interesting to watch to see just what makes raymond tick , and why no one ever simply calls the cops on him , in the end , it's not quite worth it . there are too many scenes which randomly dot the picture with little or no purpose . take for example the extended sequence where one of billy's scuzzy friends defends a stray puppy . the film is filled with these " character moments " that never really achieve anything . granted , there are a few genuinely powerful ( and sickening ) moments in the film , but their expression seems to be more of a catharsis for the creator than us . the actors do a fine job , particularly in the central roles . the good thing about an actor turned writer is that oldman knows how to write good scenes , and the actors in nil by mouth have some meat they can tear into . the bad thing about an actor turned director is that there's no one to restrain oldman from making poor choices . a good character drama should mean something to those involved in making the film and the audience . oldman got it about half right . my first exposure to the nightmare on elm street series of films was not this one , but in fact the third installment ( it was the first to gain a national theatrical release ) . i didn't see the first film until much later . so looking back , the original didn't hold a lot of great memories for me , since i didn't think too much of it when i initially saw it . watching it now for a second time confirmed that it's an overrated horror film that ultimately makes no sense whatsoever . you all know the story by now : child murderer freddy krueger ( robert englund ) returns from the grave by haunting the dreams of the children of those who burned him alive years before . this first installment does an adequate job with it's low budget , but there's some absurd dialogue and conceptual problems with the story . plus the movie's ending ( understandably the result of the studio wanting the end of the film to have a " hook " for a sequel ) renders the rest of the film pointless . and does anyone understand what happens to nancy's mother at the end of this film ? don't get me wrong though . . . it's not as if a new generation of horror films have spurned me away from the classics . most horror movies released today are just as inane as this film is . horror is a difficult genre to pull off credibly , and a nightmare on elm street just doesn't cut it . a nightmare on elm street is available on dvd from new line home video . it is available both as a single disc and as part of the nightmare on elm street collection box set . the film is presented in both pan and scan and it's original theatrical aspect ratio of 1 . 78 : 1 ( although on the disc that comes in the box set , only a widescreen transfer is provided ) . the film has been digitally remastered and includes two options for audio : a mono mix and a new dolby digital 5 . 1 mix . also included on the dvd is a full-length audio commentary track with writer/director wes craven , stars john saxon and heather langenkamp , and the film's director of photography . other extras include the " jump to a nightmare " feature ( i'm sure you can figure that one out ) , the usual cast and crew bios ( which are from the film's original press release kit , and notably leave out robert englund and johnny depp ! ) , and the film's original theatrical trailer . some dvd-rom features are also included , but since i don't have dvd-rom capabilities i can't really get into that . the commentary track is entertaining and informative , but nothing spectacular . the first thing of note is that it's the same commentary track that was on the special edition laserdisc from a few years ago . i'm not saying that's a negative thing , just pointing it out . everyone seems enthusiastic about being there , with the possible exception of john saxon , who just doesn't say much at all . most of the time you'll forget he's even there . everyone else talks really quietly though for some reason , as if because they're commenting on a scary movie that they need to stay as quiet as possible . the bonus disc with the boxed set called the nightmare series encyclopedia features about 45 minutes worth of interviews relating to the first film of the series . also included is the original theatrical trailer and two alternate endings to the film . . . however you can only access one easily . the other is hidden in what's called " the labyrinth " , which might possibly be the most annoying feature of a dvd ever created . basically , it's an interactive game of sorts where you wander through different nightmare locations looking at objects which give you access to extra little snippets of footage , interviews , etc . somewhere in the labyrinth is the second alternate ending to the film . finding it though is both a chore and a bore . [r] in 1989 , tim burton took the legendary comic book figure of batman and turned him into a huge box office hit with an atmospheric little film that created an utterly distinct feeling somewhere between film noir and the godfather . was it " deep " ? nope . however it was a perfect entertainment and the audience ate it up . it was natural that roger ebert trashed it writing that it was " without the comic book uplift " of the indiana jones and superman pictures . which was true . if what you were looking for was the tale of a heroic man's escadapes and adventures you were looking in the wrong place . if those films were tom sawyer , then batman was huckleberry finn . some critics ( glenn lovell of the san jose mercury news and peter travers of rolling stone ) realized that it was something special ; mr . lovell gave it * * * 1/2 and wrote that " this is batman as batman should be . " ; mr . travers called it one of the ten best films of the year . the praise was deserved - from start to finish the film was enthralling , exciting , and superb in every respect . there was no doubt that there would be a sequel directed by burton . the result was batman returns which forgets that it wants to be fun within the first five minutes . the villains ( the hideous penguin and seductive catwoman ) take over , and our epectations are always left unfulfilled - when we wanted the penguin to bite off batman's nose he simply gets mad , and when we want catwoman to slither over batman's body she gets pushed off a building . i admire mr . burton for trying to do more then entertain , but the result is a mess . nothing works out as planned - it fails both to entertain and to enlighten . hints are made to the audience that this film could be a blast . alas , these are only hints . there are , don't misunderstand me , several moments of cinematic genuis contained ; catwoman and batman understand eachother perfectly without a word on the subject being said ; christopher lloyd is trapped , by the penguin , within a giant cage ; a small basket is dropped into a large river ; but nothing is drawn together and burton is unable to make the film work on any regular basis . a weak followup , both career and sequel wise , batman returns is sometimes dazzling , but to often dissapointing . and i thought " stigmata " would be the worst religiously-oriented thriller released this year . turns out i was wrong , because while " stigmata " was merely boring and self-important , " end of days " is completely inept on all fronts . it's a silly , incomprehensible , endlessly stupid mess . for a guy like me who grew up watching arnold schwarzenegger at his best , it's extremely disconcerting to see where the big man has ended up . for the first time in recent memory , an arnold action movie ( and " batman & robin " doesn't count ) is no fun at all . " end of days " is a major stinker . the movie opens in vatican city , 1979 . some catholic priests have observed an ancient prophecy , which says that a girl will be born on that night that satan will have targeted for impregnation . if he impregnates her between 11 and midnight on december 31 , 1999 , the world will be destroyed . the pope orders protection of this girl , though some priests believe she ought to be killed . in new york , that very night , a girl is born to fulfill the prophecy . twenty years later , we meet jericho cane ( schwarzenegger ) , a suicidal ex-cop with a drinking problem . now working as a security guard for hire , he is protecting a local businessman ( gabriel byrne ) , who is actually possessed by the devil . an assassination attempt on the businessman by a crazed former priest leads him to the girl satan is after , christine york ( robin tunney ) . recognizing elements of his own murdered daughter in christine ( including ownership of the same music box , apparently ) , jericho swears to protect her against the devil and the faction of priests looking to kill her . there are so many problems with this film it's hard to know where to begin , but how about starting with the concept ? casting arnold in a role like this was a mistake to begin with . schwarzenegger is a persona , not an actor , so putting him in a role that contradicts his usual strong personality is a bad idea . arnold has neither the dramatic range nor the speaking ability to pull off a character tormented by conflicting emotions . in other words , trying to give him dimension was a mistake . harrison ford , mel gibson , or even bruce willis could have played this role ( they've all played noble and flawed heroes ) , but not schwarzenegger . there are several scenes that attempt to establish jericho's character ; one has him contemplating suicide , another crying over the loss of his wife and daughter , and even one in which the devil tries to tempt him into revealing christine's location by offering him his old life back . none of these scenes really work , because arnie isn't up to the task . the filmmakers would have been better off making jericho a strong , confident character ( like the terminator , for example ) , the likes of which schwarzenegger has excelled in before . this one isn't at all believable the way arnold plays him . the supporting cast tries their hardest , and only gabriel byrne makes any impact at all . as the prince of darkness , he's suave and confident . he acts like one would expect the devil to act . the problem is that the script has him doing things that make no sense ( more on that later ) and that undermines him as a powerful villain . byrne out-performs arnold in every scene they have together ( including the aforementioned temptation bit ) , but this is problematic when it causes the audience to start doing the unthinkable : root for the devil . byrne's speech about the bible being " overrated " actually starts to make sense , mainly because arnold's attempts at refuting it ( mostly of the " 'tis not ! " variety ) are feeble at best . the only problem is , arnold has to win , so in the end , nobody really cares . kevin pollack plays jericho's security guard sidekick and tries to liven things up with some comic asides , but like most bad action movie sidekicks , he disappears after about an hour . robin tunney isn't given much to do except look scared . in fact , all of the supporting players are good actors , but none , save for byrne , is given anything interesting to do . performances aside , it would be really hard to enjoy this film no matter who starred in it . this being an action blockbuster , it's no surprise that the worst thing about it is the script , which starts off totally confusing , and when some of it is explained ( and not much of it is ) , it's utterly ridiculous . why is the devil coming on new year's eve , 1999 ? because it's exactly 1000 years after the year of the devil , which isn't 666 , it turns out . some nutty priest accidentally read it upside down , so the real year is 999 , so just add a 1 to the beginning , and you've got 1999 ! if you don't buy this explanation , you're not alone . it's convoluted and silly at the same time . the method by which jericho locates christine york is equally ludicrous ( she's christine , see , and she lives in new york , see . . . ) , and if that weren't bad enough , there's plenty of bothersome stuff in this film that isn't explained at all . why can satan kill everyone he passes on the street , but when it comes to snuffing out one drunk ex-cop , he's powerless ? is he impervious to only one kind of bullet ? how come he can't control jericho or christine ? and how did those gregorian monks deal with time zones in their prophecies ? a clumsy attempt at a joke is made about this , but it's never actually explained . usually , this sort of thing wouldn't matter in a schwarzenegger flick ( i mean , don't get me started on the time paradoxes offered up by the terminator movies ) , but this time the plot inconsistencies stand out even more than usual because the action is rarely exciting . there are several predictable horror film clich ? s present in " end of days , " complete with the old " black cat hiding in a cabinet " bit , not that we ever find out what the cat was doing in there . it gets so formulaic that it's possible for those uninterested in being scared to close their eyes at the precise moment a " boo " will come . their predictions will rarely be wrong . the more grandiose action sequences are utterly charmless , partially because we don't care about these characters ( due to the script's pathetic attempts at characterization and setup ) , and also because they , too , don't make any sense . there's a scene where schwarzenegger gets thrown around a room by a little old lady . it's good for a few chuckles , but not much else . supposedly we're to believe she now has super strength by virtue of being controlled by satan , but the script never sets that up , so the scene is merely silly . none of this is terribly exciting , because all the action sequences are so badly framed that it's often hard to tell why it's happening in the first place , not to mention that they're edited in full-on incomprehensible mtv quick-cut style . most of them had me scratching my head , rather than saying , " wow , cool ! " " end of days " is not only silly and confusing , but it's also distinctly unpleasant to watch . the devil apparently doesn't operate in the more subtle , i'll-convince-people-to-kill-each-other fashion outlined in the bible , but instead enjoys killing people gruesomely in broad daylight . this doesn't only make him an awfully predictable sort , but it also means that not a single scene in " end of days " goes by without unnecessarily graphic violence , or the odd kinky sexual encounter ( yet another bit that had me scratching my head ) . if violence is supposed to be shocking , it's not a good idea to throw so much of it into a movie that the audience goes numb . scenes aren't connected through any reasonable means , so a lot of the time , stuff gets blown up , or people get killed , and i had no idea why . reasons ? to hell with reasons ! let's just blow stuff up ! isn't it cool ? nope , not by a long shot . this film is thoroughly unwatchable . it's dull , interminable , and unrelenting in its stupidity . perhaps arnold needs to make some movies with james cameron to revive his career , because it's not happening with hack peter hyams here . " end of days " might have had camp value , if only it didn't top itself off with an overly pious ending that nobody's going to buy . if the movie is going to be serious , the filmmakers should have come up with a decent script . if it's going to be campy , arnold shouldn't be taking himself so damn seriously ( i didn't actually see him put up on a cross , did i ? ) , and his character shouldn't be such a sad sack . as it stands , " end of days " is just a bad movie , and an awfully gloomy one at that . stephen , please post if appropriate . " mafia ! " - crime isn't a funny business by homer yen ( c ) 1998 on a particular night when i found myself having some free time , i had a chance to either go to sleep early or to see " mafia ! " , a spoof of mafia and crime films such as " the godfather , " " goodfellas " and " casino " . at 84 minutes in length , i thought that i could enjoy a few laughs before getting a good nights sleep . but by my account , i think that my laff-o-meter only registered a few grins , one giggle , and maybe one chortle . i suppose that you could justify your time as homage to the venerable hollywood star , lloyd bridges , who just recently passed away and whose last performance was in this film . " mafia ! " chronicles vincenzo cortino's ( lloyd bridges ) life . separated from his family when he was young , he escapes to america and tries to live an honest life . but as fate would have it , vincenzo grows up to be a powerful and klutzy crime lord . following in his footsteps are his two sons , joey ( billy burke ) and anthony ( jay mohr ) . like all siblings in powerful crime families , they squabble over power , the future of the family , fortune , and women . " mafia ! " is co-written by jim abrahams , who also contributed to some gut-busting funny spoofs such as " airplane " and " the naked gun . " but these previous movies were funny because the jokes seemed more universally understood and there was more of a manic silliness at work . as i write this , i also wonder how many people have actually seen the movies on which this spoof is based . crime movies in general contain a lot of profanity and violence . it's a tough genre to parody . i was kind of hoping that they could somehow spoof the profanity used in all of those crime movies , maybe by having all of the tough crime lords say " please " as they decide which sector to take over , but this opportunity was never explored . there were one or two moments that made me smile such as the scene where vincenzo is dancing with his newly wed daughter-in-law . a gunman shoots him several times . the impact of the bullets cause him to make these wild contortions that force the wedding band to change music styles to keep up with him , from the samba to disco to the macarena . i think that i just gave away the best part of the film . oh well , that just means that you can go to sleep a little earlier . die hard 2 is an altogether unfortunate fiasco , inferior to the original in every respect . place the blame squarely on the shoulders of steven de souza and doug richardson , who wrote the film's pathetic screenplay . every line of dialogue reeks of either smarmy sap or forced humor . the plot is altogether implausible ; the convoluted story line involves a band of terrorists who take over dulles airport and shut down the control tower , leaving a dozen planes stranded in the air waiting to land . the film has zero credibility , and all of the characters come off as cliched , cardboard cut-outs . so much for the script . how about the action ? well , let's put it this way : director renny harlin could learn a few things from john mctiernan , who directed the original , as well as the hunt for red october and predator--all standouts for their hair-raising suspense . by contrast , harlin doesn't have a clue when it comes to choreographing action , and consequently , die hard 2 never picks up steam . die harder is impossible to take seriously even for a minute . in fact , the movie often seems deliberately campy , and it almost reaches the threshold of being so bad it's good . you do laugh , but you laugh at the film , not with it . die hard 2 should have never been cleared for takeoff . i admit it . i thought arnold schwarzenegger had a knack for comedy when he made twins and true lies . watching him in jingle all the way , i wondered why anyone ever thought he could carry such a lame movie targeted at susceptible kids . it was one thing to scare the crap out of kids with the pg-13 kindergarten cop , but parents who let small children see this movie will have to explain themes of violence , alcohol consumption , burglary , racism and child molestation . and you know they'll burst out in tears when arnold punches one of santa's elves . he later decks a reindeer . hey , man , why don't you just kick the easter bunny in the nuts while you're at it ? jingle all the way is formula crap that follows the if someone falls on his ass , it must be funny school of thought . arnold , sinbad and phil hartman crash to the ground more times in this movie than a special olympics hockey team , and the movie dredges up more cliche and less believability with each successive scene . what can you expect from a movie whose entire premise is that two parents can't find a rare toy on christmas eve , and will do anything to get one ? arnold is , of course , one of the parents , a crack salesman who is never there for his son . he races from the office to his son's karate game , only to find out he missed it . and his kid distrusts him because he's never around . ( gee , we haven't seen that in a movie before . ) arnold the absentee father becomes convinced that the only way to buy back his son's affection is to get him a turboman doll , which his wife ( rita wilson , who will never be the breadwinner of the hanks household choosing roles like this ) told him to get weeks ago . so arnold sets out to find a turboman , which turns out to be more rare than the tickle me elmo was when jingle all the way came out . let me back up for a minute here -- arnold's kid is totally obsessed with this turboman character , which is unhealthy beyond belief . watches the show , eats the cereal , sleeps on the freakin' turboman sheets . i'd try to discourage any further obsession myself , lest any kid seeing this movie think it's a wonderful thing to con your dad into racing out to buy you any toy you want . but nooooo , the climax of jingle all the way has arnold dressed up as turboman in a parade , exonerating himself of all wrongdoing in the eyes of wife and son , who don't recognize him until the last minute . this is a sad movie all the way through , but it only gets worse after the opening scenes of arnold and mailman sinbad stampeding through a store , racing off to the mall and hooking up with a santa ( jim belushi ) who runs a bootleg toy factory . most painful to watch is a scene at a radio station , where sinbad holds off the cops with a letter bomb after beating up the deejay ( an embarrassed martin mull ) who said he was giving away a turboman doll . capitalism has produced some pretty evil things ( chia pets ) , but this ode to excess and violent consumerism is one of the most shameful . never mind the subplot with perfect neighbor phil hartman trying to seduce wilson while arnold is off shopping ( " your cookies are incredible " ) , it's the main plot of the movie that sends the message that it's okay to do whatever it takes to get your hands on what you want . maybe that's what christmas is like at the schwarzenegger house , but not at mine . when the haunting arrived in theaters , all i kept hearing about was the overdone special effects and the fact that very often the unseen bumps in the night in a horror film are far scarier than those that you can put a face to courtesy of special effects . while i agree that this remake of the haunting goes a bit overboard in the visual effects department , i don't think that they are completely to blame for this movie's failure . it appears that some people have failed to take into account that the original haunting had the " unseen " terrors , and it was about as scary as a dust bunny . so special effects or not , if the story isn't the least bit scary , you aren't going to end up with a very frightening movie . the thing that interested me most about this movie was the caretaker of this building played by bruce dern . dern is always great , and even though he may have had only about 3 minutes of screen time he was still the most interesting element of the movie . as i sat through the seemingly endless , albeit fairly impressive , special effects , i kept wishing that this movie was about dern's caretaker and not the one dimensional characters that populated the cast . never a good sign when a bit player is the best part of the movie . liam neeson plays a scientist who is conducting experiments on fear . he decides the best way to get results is to trick a group of fairly unstable individuals to spend a few days in a haunted mansion . he tricks them into participating by letting on that he is conducting an experiment on insomnia . and he also fails to mention that the mansion has a reputation for strange goings-on . catherine zeta-jones , lili taylor and owen wilson play his subjects . like the original , taylor's character is the star of the movie . but since she doesn't quite have the marquee power of liam neeson and ms . zeta-jones , their parts did seem to be a big larger than in the original . and let's face it , probably half the people who see this movie will do so because of zeta-jones . i'll admit that i would have never seen this thing if she weren't in it . but the real stars here is the special effects combined with the fairly overdone sets . they take over the movie as the supernatural elements of the house start to interact with our hapless insomnia patients . there really isn't much of a story here . just endless setups so director jan de bont can showcase all the nifty special effects that he got to play with . and the special effects are great . in many cases they are as good as you are likely to see anywhere . in other cases they are overdone and obviously thrown in just for the sake of hitting the " cool shots " quota . at no point in the movie do any of these things ever come close to being scary -- funny , maybe . but not scary . then we have the set . when i first saw the house , i was very impressed with the very cool gothic look about it . but it only took a short tour by the characters around the place to see that the set designers obviously had as much money to burn as the visual effects people did , and decided to take the idiotically overdone route . this included a flooded hallway with books as stepping stones and a mirrored circular room that revolves . what part did these rooms play in the story ? absolutely none . they were just there to take our minds off the fact that there was neither a descent story nor a single scare in the entire movie . then we have the actors . lili taylor has never been one of my favorites . and when the fact that her character is mousy and pathetic is factored in , she comes in around the average or slightly below mark . i have no idea why liam neeson took this role . he basically reminded me of the ringmaster at an out of control circus . his character was in charge of this farce but it quickly got away from him . i have no doubt that liam will want to lock all prints of this movie in a very secure vault along with all copies of darkman . zeta-jones was cast because she is too hot for words . the fact that her character is bi-sexual is just icing on the cake . all catherine has to do in this movie is look good . fortunately that is something she does very well . while she does have a fairly good size part , it is obvious that her only purpose in the movie was as eye-candy . it's too bad someone of her talents wasted them here . any random supermodel pulled out of a fashion show could have easily filled her role . the haunting is the antithesis of another of 1999's horror movies , the blair witch project . the haunting had a seemingly limitless effects budget , while blair witch relies on piles of rocks for its scares . both prove quite nicely that special effects are irrelevant to a horror film . if the story sucks , it's all downhill from there . my advice ? if you are looking for special effects , go rent star wars . if it's scares you want , rent halloween . either way , it's probably in your best interests to skip the haunting . plot : set in the future , a courier has uploaded some data into a " hard drive " that resides in his head , and must now escape the bad guys who are after that very important information . since he overloaded his " hard drive " , he's also racing against the clock before the information seeps into his brain and kills him . critique : incoherent , boring , one-act drivel with no suspense , horribly unbelievable futuristic environment , bad dialogue , career-defining bad acting by keanu reeves and a hilarious ending . it's too bad because the premise of the film was interesting , but unfortunately for my friends and i , this movie turned out to be just as bad as everyone had warned us . it's one of those films that makes you start laughing half-way through , when you realize that most of the actors in it suck , the location shots are filmed in dark " junkyard " type areas which they would like to have us believe to be futuristic ( whatever . . . ) , and all the sets look like . . . . well , sets . there is also absolutely no arc to this story . it basically starts off with keanu uploading info into his brain , and then a bunch of folks chasing him from place to place until a laughable ending puts a stop to the former uneventful proceedings . gibson should stick to writing novels and " x-files " episodes , since his segue into the paranormal tv series was much more entertaining than any of this garbage . some other hilarities of this film include dolph lundgren as some futuristic jesus character whose supposed to kick ass , henry rollins as a pumped-up cyber-doctor or something , and ice-t as some kind of a hobo dude with paint all over his face ( don't ask ) . the ending is the funniest with some robot dolphin and a stupid ghost-lady from inside the computer doing some stuff that no one really cares about by that point . i'm ashamed to say this film was shot in my hometown of montreal , canada , but sadly enough for us all , it was . some of the cyber-travelling special effects were okay ( hence , the 2/10 ) , but overall , it's one of those bad movies that's just funny to watch and cringe at . thankfully for keanu , he redeemed his sci-fi career with 1999's the matrix ( 7 . 5/10 ) . it's too bad that he has yet to redeem his lack of acting talent . little known facts about this film and its stars : as of 1999 , director robert longo never directed another full-feature film . hmmm . . . now isn't that odd ? : ) writer william gibson immigrated from the us to canada in 1968 , after being rejected for the draft . he lived in toronto at first , but since 1972 , has made vancouver his home . his 1984 novel " neuromancer " and its sequels 1986's " count zero " and 1988's " mona lisa overdrive " are generally considered to be the definitive works of the " cyberpunk " science-fiction sub-genre . this film garnered keanu reeves a nomination in the " worst actor " category in the 1996 razzie awards . i am a steven seagal fan . i only say this now because " mufti splenetik " isn't my real name and because i probably need to explain why i went into this film expecting great things . any proud seagal fan worth his beans will tell you that the seagal formula is something you can depend on . seagal films can always be counted on for minimal dialogue , heaps of expendable baddies with extemely crunchable bones ( which we'll always hear when seagal does his limb-twisting thing ) , rarely a female co-lead in sight ( unless it's a real-life model-wife who hasn't worked since weird science ) and , usually the worst possible titles you can imagine . not to mention very straightforward plots , generally all-round bad dialogue and mr implacable leather-face himself in that same black outfit he's been in since nico doing his " my hands are sharp , nimble knives " thing , seagal the stoic , sir petrified ponytail , duke of dull . in the glimmer man , seagal breaks out of this formula : he gets a * sidekick * , attempts to banter , and puts on a new vest . he's also put on quite a lot of weight . small potatoes , you may say , a man should be able to accessorize and banter if he wants to , but damnit , if it ain't broke , why fix it ? ( more on this disappointed person's dashed expectations later ) . as jack cole , seagal is a homicide detective with a questionable past . while he and his partner ( played by keenen ivory wayans ) are investigating a series of ritual killings , cole himself becomes a suspect , especially when a background check run by campbell reveals practically nothing on cole . it turns out that cole is a former trained government assassin ( you just can't trust these homicide detectives ) , someone whom victims used to catch just a glimpse of in the jungle before he pounced on them , and hence , well , you know , that " glimmer man " thing . an increasingly fishy homicide investigation in the present soon leads to the gradual uncovering of a larger , more threatening conspiracy that involves a crooked businessman ( bob gunton ) , cole's former cia boss ( brian cox ) and deals involving chemical weapons . the glimmer man plot is pretty standard stuff , drawing ( as with his other films ) elements from the hotter films of the year ( eg , se7en ) . it's the other changes that disappoint . for example , although there's a fair amount of violence in this movie , there's also the disastrous pairing of seagal with keenen ivory wayans , probably the best known of the wayans tribe ( how many are there , exactly ? ) from television's " in living colour . " wayans plays whiney straightman to seagal's bead-adorned and brocade-draped cole , keeping up his " are you crazy " part of the dialogue with wasted zest . as campbell , wayans confines himself to bemoaning his new partner's eccentric habits , but the chemistry between the two is minimal , and seagal's wooden comebacks make for painful watching . a cook in under seige 2 , seagal is now a buddhist who speaks chinese and wears prayer beads and intricate silk jackets over his normal black ensemble . he chants , refuses to fight unless truly provoked and introduces campbell to powdered deer penis to cure his allergies . again , a benign ( if trite ) plot device except for the fact that these new character traits require seagal to speak more than usual . heck , he has to deliver punchlines and carry a steady conversation with someone other than himself for a large part of the film . is that a lot to ask of the seague ? too much . seagal's best characteristic used to be that he knew his purpose in this already complicated world of movies : to crunchily snap off bad guy appendages , and to do it silently , and alone . not for seagal , the snappy one-liners of arnold and stallone , nor the attempts to show that he can act , much less think . no kindergarten cop , no oscar , just simple , unadulterated deathblows . that's really how it must have started : like-minded fans who knew what they wanted streamed in to watch the seague do his thing , knowing that never in the seagal universe would they ever have to see him do anything else . we trusted him . we got to know him . now , betrayal . i don't know if i can watch another seagal movie without that little niggling doubt that he's going to try to be funny again . i'll try , but it won't be easy . if you haven't watched the glimmer man yet , you might want to wait for the video to come out . it's easier to just fast forward the dialogue parts and linger on the action sequences . after all , if we can't depend on our fantasies , what can we depend on ? the flying inkpot rating system : * wait for the tv2 broadcast . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . mufti spelenetik is still a steven seagal fan . everybody makes mistakes once in awhile . " the 13th warrior " comes at the end of as summer where we've already experienced man eating sharks ( " deep blue sea " ) , man eating crocodiles ( " lake placid " ) and even a man hunting witch ( " the blair witch project " ) . now , " the 13th warrior " presents a tribe of flesh eating men who believe that they are bears . the story , if that's what you want to call it , follows ahmed ibn fahdlan ( antonio banderas ) an arabian poet who falls in love with his king's wife and is banished from his home land . he then travels to the land of the vikings and becomes an ambassador to them . eventually the vikings are called upon to protect the people of the village who are being hunted by the flesh eating men . thirteen warriors are chosen to go on the mission , and as you guessed it , ahmed is chosen as the thirteenth . he's not a warrior , and at first not well accepted by the vikings , but as the movie advances he'll have to prove himself both on and off the battlefield . that's basically the entire plot . there is also a romantic subplot that has been so badly mishandled and , one assumes , drastically cut that you begin to wonder why the filmmakers didn't just edit out all of the scenes attaining to that part of the story . instead they chose to leave just enough of those scenes in to annoy the viewer . the film is basically non- stop action and when it pauses and tries to develop a story it becomes a laughing stock . the battle scenes , although well choreographed , are not involving and not the least bit exciting . we don't get to know any of the characters and so we don't care who lives and who dies . the film , which wants to be beowolf , comes across more as a failed action-adventure story aspiring to epic proportions but not achieving it on any levels . it was directed by john mctiernan who's , " the thomas crown affair " is also playing in theaters currently . and it's not that mctiernan worked simultaneously on both films but that , " the 13th warrior " was placed on the shelf for so long with the studio just waiting for a time to dump it on audiences . it belongs back on the shelf . when i watch a movie like mike nichols' what planet are you from ? i can't help but feel like everyone is looking at me . it's as if all the audience is gazing at the back of my head in the darkness , eyes shooting daggers , quietly blaming me for the fact that they paid hard-earned money to spend their time watching this . . . this . . . thing . i shift uncomfortably in my seat . i'm reminded of how i feel when i see a pair of second- or third-rate celebrities engaging in a teleprompted " funny " conversation to introduce the next blockbuster award . it's not my fault , i know it's not my fault , but dammit , someone's gotta be embarrassed , because it doesn't look like anyone on the screen is ready to take the blame . i'm about to give you a list of names of people who are gonna make a movie together : garry shandling , annette bening , john goodman , greg kinnear , mike nichols . do any of these names make you instantly shudder ? the answer i would have come up with before today is no , this is quite a list of talented individuals we've got here . granted , john goodman was in the flintstones , and greg kinnear has turned in some less-than-lackluster leading man performances in certified failures like a smile like yours , but even so , they've got proven power as excellent supporting players . garry shandling has two television classics under his belt , his ingenious little it's garry shandling's show and the larry sanders show . and for god's sake , mike nichols directed the graduate , and annette bening is just walking away from american beauty . so explain this . . . this . . . thing . what planet are you from ? purports to be a comedy exploring the relationship between men and women satirizing the whole pop-psychology mars/venus phenomenon . but what this movie winds up being is a collection of unfunny cringe-inducing moments coupled with uninsightful cringe-inducing moments ; the end result is , unsurprisingly , an unfunny , uninsightful , cringe-inducing , thoroughly icky embarrassment . garry shandling plays an alien from a planet populated by technologically advanced but emotionally vacant males ( they reproduce through cloning , of course ) . his leaders put a select group of males through a series of tests designed to determine which one is most fit to fly off to earth , find a female of the species , and impregnate her . they're taught how to pretend that they're listening by nodding and saying " uh-huh , " and how to compliment shoes . imagine my delighted surprise when , oh heavens , all their carefully practiced tactics turn out to fail miserably , producing comedic results ! the lucky winner is fitted with a penis ( since theirs , after generations of disuse have long since shrunk out of existence . . . i will restrain myself from mentioning the implausibility of such a scenario since the population has stopped evolving due to the fact that they're all just clones . . . whoops , too late . ) the penis , when aroused , tends to make a humming noise . the writers , when frequently strapped for ideas , tend to turn to this as a source of " comedy . " it isn't funny the first time . it isn't funny the eighth time . it isn't funny the eighteenth time . if anything , it made me feel vaguely self-conscious . garry meets up with a coworker at a bank played by greg kinnear , who turns out to be a generic , unlikable scumbag . he's meant to fill the part of unfortunate role model for shandling's alien character , but he's so flatly drawn that even the writers quickly give up and toss him aside . kinnear's scumbagginess is demonstrated by the fact that he claims other peoples' work as his own to worm his way into a vice presidents' position and goes to aa meetings to pick up chicks . wow . what a magnificent bastard . nearly every man in the movie , in fact , is played as the same sort of sex-driven slimeball . when kinnear's wife walks into the office , there isn't a single guy who doesn't trip , bump into a wall , or otherwise pratfall as if they'd never seen a woman before . the few guys that aren't particularly slimeballs , such as john goodman's detective character , are simply uncommunicative workaholics . shandling meets up with annette bening , who will inevitably prove to be the love he never knew existed , at one of kinnear's aa meetings . shandling's mission is to have a baby , and when he reveals his desires to her , bening instantly falls for him , and the next day . . . they get married . yup . the next day . cuz ya see , it turns out she wants a baby too ! bening's character perhaps was the most difficult to watch , especially after seeing her come apart at the seams so effectively in american beauty . . . if her character here is supposed to be representing the female of the species as a whole , then woe , i say , to the species . she's unfathomably insecure , and succumbs so easily to all of shandling's lines and lies that it borders on tragic . there's a point where , after thinking she may not be able to bear children , she learns that she is indeed pregnant . when garry comes home after nearly cheating on her , she strolls into the kitchen and sings " high hopes " ( you know , the uplifting ant and the rubber tree plant song ) to deliver the news , and then says to him , " now you can't leave me . " we're supposed to empathize with shandling's discovery of the feeling of " guilt , " but instead i wanted to weep for bening that she was placing her entire life and soul firmly in the lap of a great big nothing . and eventually , shandling falls in love with her . . . for real , i suppose , though i'm not sure exactly what prompted it . what's the message i derive from all this ? men are liars , inherently empty creatures , but if you hang around long enough . . . well , maybe something will click . ha ha . . . ha ? i'm thankful such broad cynicism isn't frequently allowed to run so rampant . let's all join hands and pray that the planet these folks are from is not this one . there's also a subplot involving john goodman as an airline incident investigator that wades in the bog of stupidity . goodman , through a series of astoundingly implausible realizations , puts together the fact that shandling is a being from another world with a magic , vibrating penis . it has all the makings for a subplot of having shandling be discovered , that , thankfully , never comes to the inevitable hackneyed fruition . instead , it just dangles limply on the branch for a while , withers , and falls away . further proof that goodman should just stick to doing coen brothers movies . but let's not dwell on this any longer , i've already wasted plenty of your time and my own . let's move on , forget about what we've seen here , and get on with our lives . and to help us out , let's end things on a happy note . . . congratuations go out to annette bening , winner of this week's " title ! " award , for delivering the awkward line of dialog containing the movie's name . it seems like i'm reviewing cheeseball horror movies on a monthly basis now . scream revitalized a genre the studios are now intent on burying into the ground again-the serial killers in these new slasher movies have nothing on sony and miramax in the " relentless " department . i still know what you did last summer is a terrible film in many respects , but in the wake of the stupefyingly bad urban legend , it's citizen hook . jennifer love-hewitt reprises her role as buxom teenager julie james-who apparently escaped certain doom at the end of the last movie by . . . waking up . she lives in fear of ben willis , the vengeful fisherman-victim of a hit and run by julie and her pals . paranoid and beat , she accepts a free trip to the bahamas from her friend karla ( norwood ) , winner of the local radio station's 4th of july getaway giveaway . bikini-ready julie invites boyfriend ray ( prinze , jr . ) , who-and here's the movie's biggest mystery-turns her down , but changes his mind and plans to surprise her before take-off . until he gets a roadside visit from captain hell-liner himself , that is . unaware of this and feeling shunned , julie goes on vacation , anyway , with karla , karla's boyfriend ( pfeiffer ) , and will ( matthew settle ) , a real boy-next-door type who's sweet on julie . to make a long story short-i can't believe it took a paragraph to describe the set-up for this gratuitous sequel-the trip is a disaster . not only is it storm season , not only is the desk clerk ( the frighteners' jeffrey combs ) a jerk , not only are the few island residents and our heroic vacationers getting picked off by the resourceful willis one-by-one , but the karaoke machine isn't working properly ! ( you think killing is hard ? try reprogramming a laserdisc so that gloria gaynor's " i will survive " now contains the lyric " i still know what you did last summer ! " ) all is not lost-ray is on his way to save the day , and a helpful witch doctor is saying little prayers for julie and co . this picture is really about breasts : two of them . julie , like a good horror heroine , never does up her shirt to the collar , always wears white in the rain , and keeps sexy underwear on in case of a sudden desire to tan . based on the hormonal charge i got out of the movie , i can't imagine what it was doing to the ten year old boy who sat next to me-he gets jennifer love-hewitt , and my generation got heather langenkamp ! lucky bastard . i didn't like i know what you did last summer and i can't say i liked this continuation any more or less . the pacing in both films is languid-how is it that so much time passes with neither murder nor character development ? i still know what you did last summer has a better sense of humour than the first one , though , and at least it explains away willis's random selection of victims . ( i don't think the hotel maid or the stoner dude had the slightest idea what julie did last summer . ) director cannon ( judge dredd ) is a competent filmmaker but not a particularly imaginative one-if there is a part three ( what on earth would they call it ? ) , and the fun denouement suggests there will be , here's my suggestion : hire a filmmaker with flair , someone who can really energize this stillborn series-someone who won't rely on so many shock notes . and let that person run wild with the camera . ( aside : if blandy [sic] must appear in the next one , try to keep the number of times she says " baby " to a minimum . thanks in advance . ) we're back in blade runner territory with this one , conceptual artist robert longo's vision of a william gibson-inspired future where information is the commodity to kill for . front and center is johnny ( keanu reeves ) , a " cyber-courier " who smuggles data via a " wet-wired " implant . he's ready to quit the biz and get a portion of his long-term memory restored , but , first , he has to finish one last , dangerous job . . the pressing problem in johnny mnemonic is that keanu reeves seems to have forgotten how to play an action hero since his stint on speed . he's walking wood in a forest of stiffs that includes henry rollins , ice-t , and dina meyer . ( dolph lundgren's street preacher is in an acting category all its own . : - ) without a believable performance between them , all we can do is sit back and watch the atmosphere , which is pretty good in places . the vr sequences are way cool , but the physical fx--such as miniatures and mattes--leave a lot to be desired . watch out for those bad blue-screens ! we wouldn't mind a minute of johnny mnemonic if the action played better . too bad the debut director isn't very strong in this de- partment . his big finale is a sloppy , silly mess that runs twenty minutes too long , which is way past the time that most of our " wet- wired " processors have already shut down . bottom line : yatf ( yet another tortured future ) . skip it . ok , i admit it--i find camp amusement with the spice girls . yes , the same spice girls of the gimmicky individual " identities , " they of the annoyingly infectious bubblegum pop hooks and cheesy unifying mantra of " girl power . " but not even their guilty pleasure appeal isn't enough to carry their big screen debut , a junky mess which would be more aptly named shite world than spice world . the film begins amusingly enough , with a cheeky 007-esque title sequence in which the british quintet-- " scary " ( melanie brown ) , " baby " ( emma bunton ) , " sporty " ( melanie chisolm ) , " ginger " ( geri halliwell ) , and " posh " ( victoria adams ) --are introduced one by one ( to , much to my surprise , excited and only slightly mocking cheers from the press audience ) as they croon the silky ballad " too much " ( a tune that would sound right at home in an actual james bond film ) . a few minutes and an elton john cameo later comes an introductory tour of the numerous plotlines that run through the film : ( 1 ) the spicy ones go on a european publicity tour leading up to their first live concert at london's royal albert hall ; ( 2 ) a film producer ( george wendt ) and a screenwriter ( mark mckinney ) pitch various film ideas to the girls' manager , clifford ( richard e . grant ) ; ( 3 ) a documentary film crew follows the girls ; ( 4 ) a pregnant " mate " ( naoki mori ) of the group rapidly approaches her due date ; and ( 5 ) a tabloid publisher ( barry humphries ) attempts to destroy the group with the help of a sneaky shutterbug ( richard o'brien ) . capped off by a live rendition of the girls' bouncy hit " say you'll be there , " a wealth of laughs and merriment is sure to follow , right ? wrong . it's all downhill from there as spice world collapses into a series of misfired comedy sketches . i must give the girls credit for their refreshing willingness to make fun of themselves , but writer kim fuller and director bob spiers can barely come up with a funny joke between them , much less a organized framework for all the " wacky " goings-on . spice world jumps from vignette to vignette , subplot to subplot with no direction and little sense , at one minute having the girls meet with aliens ( no joke ) and at another having them stage a daring rescue of two young fans who fall into the water during a boat ride . while a decent joke slips through the cracks here and there--during a " dance bootcamp " scene , the girls sing the lyric " we know how we got this far/strength and courage and a wonderbra " --much of the material is not even funny on the chuckle level . some gags are just plain pointless , such as roger moore's recurring role as the mysterious chief , who dispenses cryptic , metaphor-heavy advice to clifford . the only reason why i can think anyone would find that funny is the fact that moore once played james bond . ha ha . as weak as the script is , i think there's one insurmountable problem with even attempting to make a spice girls movie , and that is the girls themselves . the point is not that they can't act ( and , for the record , they really _can't_ ) but that their individual personas , which works as a gimmick over the span of a four-minute music video , are too thin to survive outside of the truncated , video bite mtv world . posh ( who garnered the most enthusiastic cheers during the introductions ) comes off best by default because her persona ( rich bitch ) most easily translates into character in a film . baby's persona ( young innocent ) , to a lesser extent , also works , but the remaining girls' identities are a little harder to flesh out . there really isn't much to do with sporty besides having her exercise every so often ( which is _exactly_ what fuller and spiers do ) , and , after all , what exactly entails being " ginger " or " scary " ? apparently , just their wardrobes . spice world manages to pick up some steam in the late going following a flashback performance of the spices' signature hit , " wannabe . " the song is as grating as ever , but the energy of the number gives the proceedings a much-needed shot in the arm , setting the stage for a wave of self-referential humor stemmed from the screenwriters' film ideas ( the film almost mirrors robert altman's the player in the way the film snails into itself ) . this section of the film , involving all manner of derring-do involving a speeding bus , is perhaps its most effective , but it also points up how all the other storylines ( the publisher , the documentary crew ) lack a satisfactory payoff . spice world is harmless entertainment suitable for the entire family , and it will please the spice faithful . but this sloppy enterprise surely won't win them any new fans , which is what the group sorely needs to bolster its rapidly waning girl power in the states . once the hype disappears , spice world will likely serve as the the spices' final hurrah in america . sylvester stallone has made some crap films in his lifetime , but this has got to be one of the worst . a totally dull story that thinks it can use various explosions to make it interesting , " the specialist " is about as exciting as an episode of " dragnet , " and about as well acted . even some attempts at film noir mood are destroyed by a sappy script , stupid and unlikable characters , and just plain nothingness . who knew a big explosion could be so boring and anti-climactic ? unless you saw " blown away " . . . " the specliast " of the title is none other than action star sylvester stallone ( in comeback #19 , i think ) , who plays a quiet , hermit-like bomber who was once a bomb expert with the army or something , but who suffered a change of heart when he and his assistant ( james woods , who shows us exactly what over-the-top is , other than another bad sly film ) accidentally killed some innocent people during a job . his credo is killing bad people , not innocents . and that's why he makes big bombs . so anyway , into his life steps the seductive sharon stone , who is basically the girlfriend/moll of the stupid son ( eric roberts ) of a cuban/miami kingpin ( rod steiger , in an indecipherable accent , which is sometimes cuban , sometimes brando , sometimes scottish , etc ) . turns out sharon is actually using her boyfriend so she can kill him , since he killed her parents when she was young . so she calls sly , leaves messages with him , sends him e-mail , etc , about planting a bomb to kill roberts , which sly listens to obsessively , and while he works out naked . yea . also into his life , though again , comes woods , who has been tipped off by stone to catch sly . using the cops , he tries to set up traps , none which really work , so when sly calls him , he goes ballisitic on his ass over the phone , getting so worked up by saying his must-be-improvised speeches that he seems to pop the vein in his head wide open . these are the most exciting scenes in the film , and woods becomes the only ounce of entertainment in the film . the film tries to offer us a moody film noir , except with explosions , but comes up completely snake-eyes . it's just a pretend film noir , making it a big waste of time . and for action buffs , the action scenes are pretty lame , with some really unrealistic-looking special effects ( a penthouse being blown off of a hotel looks like a piece of cardboard falling into a tub ) . then there's the much-discussed sex scene between sly and stone , which are about as mispaired a couple as rachel and ross on " friends . " their sex scene is more nauseating then sexy , because it shows us more of sly than stone . now let's guess who we'd rather see naked , okay ? stone's small but perky breasts , which we've seen more times than harvey keitel's dick , or stallone's veiny ass , which isn't usually shown for a very good reason ? i know i can't really judge it as a flaw of the film , but come on . the worst flaw of the film is this : it's boring . i mean , i was on caffeine when watching it , but my friend fell asleep only to be woken up by james woods ranting . but a good movie does not james woods going nuts make . if you're in for some fun action , rent sly's earlier " demolition man , " which sucks too , but in a much more entertaining fashion . skip this dull film , unless you want to see woods , or make fun of steiger's accent , or see stone's breasts again . `the skulls' is a laughably bad thriller , a teen-orientated doppelganger of `the firm' so blazingly ridiculous that it caused me to drift into a hypnotic stupor . certain moments are so preposterous that i nearly herniated myself in an attempt to stifle laughter . i chuckled incessantly , all the way home . let me share . the skulls is a secret society conceived inside the walls of yale ( designed , i'm sure , to mirror the actual skull & bones from the same college ) . luke mcnamara ( joshua jackson ) , a townie and local varsity rowing championship victor for the third consecutive year , highlights the latest skull scouting report . despite some anxiety and caution from others , luke accepts entry into the organization . soon after , he finds himself surrounded by beautiful women , driving a new car and marveling at the $20 , 000 that somehow surfaced in his bank account . yeah , dude , pretty good deal eh ? but luke soon learns that the membership is somewhat suffocating ; when circumstances become extreme , there is no way he can leave the society - except maybe as a drooling vegetable . the premise , although lacking in originality , certainly offers its share of potential intrigue and suspense . unfortunately , `the skulls' is neither intriguing , nor suspenseful , nor anything else you would associate with fresh or exciting . it's just another abysmal teen prototype that has the soundtrack , the stars . . . . but not the script . `the skulls' is so bad it attains a certain level of entertainment value , with the screenplay , by jon pogue , immediately becoming the basis for a slew of unintentional howlers . first off , upon their initiation into the skulls , each new member has to have a skull branded onto their arm . afterward they are supplied with a wristwatch that conveniently covers up the scar . will they never take this watch off ? and what if they forget it by their bedside ? perhaps their ? secret' society was being a little too conspicuous when they decided to brand new members like cattle on an area of the body that is easily exposed . on top of this , they are each given a rulebook and a key to headquarters . gee , why not member t-shirts ? but my favorite bit is this : the voting committee for the skulls does not bother with individual ? agree' or ? disagree' notions when making collective decisions . they are given official skull paddles . when flipped to one side , they indicate the member agrees with the proposal . facing the opposite way means a disagreement . wouldn't they merely express themselves verbally ? hell no . they have to retrieve the paddles for a proper vote , and maybe afterward they can play ping-pong . i'm still chuckling about these ludicrous details , but the humiliating dialogue is enough to send one into arrest . the cast , meanwhile , combines a pinch of veteran talent with a dash of the `dawson's creek' crowd , and fuses the two together , ensuring that the embarrassment will be a mutually shared union throughout . but not entirely . accomplished actors like craig t . nelson ( as skulls chairman judge litten mandrake ) and william peterson ( as fellow board member senator levritt ) are dealt pathetic villain caricatures , and look suitably embarrassed handling them . and then there's christopher mcdonald , who has the capacity to be a fun , exciting actor . mcdonald's charisma is totally diminished here as he sleepwalks through another perfunctory bad guy role ( yes , pogue makes it a hat-trick ) . i pray it was a `snatch-the-paycheck-and-run' exercise for all these actors . the young troupe of performers involved fair moderately better . let's cut the talented canadian lad joshua jackson some slack for maintaining believability within the confines of his character . paul walker , the strapping quarterback from `varsity blues' , is bland but passable as caleb mandrake - the judge's son . walker preserves a straight face , even when dealt the silliest dialogue in the movie ( `dad , i just killed a guy in the ritual room ! ' ) . some actual spark is generated by leslie bibb , who plays luke's longtime chum chloe , and manages to successfully pull off some convincing dramatics . it really boils down to the actors attempting to puncture the surrounding plastic bubble of absurdity that cages them from minute one . or maybe not minute one , thanks to a decent set-up from director rob cohen , who films early sequences with a sense of atmosphere and style . it makes you wonder why he didn't flee indefinitely from the project , because while enjoyable cheese like `dragonheart' and the moderate stallone thriller `daylight' aren't superior cinema , they belong on the afi top 100 list when compared to this degrading trash . aside from unintentionally humoring the audience , `the skulls' gets little accomplished . the thrills and action are lazy and mechanical . the story is stuffed with ridiculous , formulaic plotting that sheepishly overlooks the cool potential of a secret underground society flick . instead of gaining knowledge about the skulls as an organization , we are thrust into a lame video surveillance conspiracy that has developed barnacles from excessive usage . we've seen it all before , and better . `the skulls' is a feeble little circus of stupidity , so miscalculated that -- while it would serve as a clever pun -- a term like ? boneheaded' seems just too generous . it's difficult to expect much from a director whose greatest accomplishments to date are a handful of " award-winning " tv commercials , as is the case with bubble boy director blair hayes . that said , hayes's feature film debut lives up to expectations , coming off mainly as equal parts offensive and moronic . but occasionally , bubble boy transcends its substandard roots with glimmers of humor and scathing social commentary . those moments of intelligence are delivered mostly by the film's two stars , jake gyllenhall as the immuno-deficient jimmy and swoosie kurtz as his over-protective , hyper religious , reagan-loving mother . gyllenhall's sweet-natured delivery of jimmy's hilariously na ? ve narration serves as the backbone for an otherwise flimsy coming-of-age story : jimmy is a bubble boy , a kid born without immunity who could die if he comes in contact with a single germ -- a plight explored more seriously in the john travolta tv movie boy in the plastic bubble and less so on seinfeld . his mom home-schools jimmy , filling his head with wildly twisted conservative propaganda and anti-sexual messages , until he's befriended by chloe ( marley shelton ) , the beautiful girl next door . jimmy falls in love with chloe , but is afraid that his love will literally kill him , as evidenced in a scene when she drunkenly tries to enter his bubble for a kiss . but when chloe decides to marry her high school boyfriend , jimmy builds a bubble suit and embarks on a hijinks-addled cross-country voyage to stop the wedding by professing his love . the offensive bits have little to do with jimmy's rare handicap ( regardless of what the film's protesters would have you believe ) , but instead center on outrageous racial stereotypes , including a screaming chinese strip club owner and a devout east indian hindi . but even if you find stereotype humor funny , it's hard to muster more than a giggle for these shallow gags . they even manage to bungle some potentially great moments with a group of carnival freaks . but a few of the harsh jabs manage to work , especially in the case of kurtz , who very bluntly shows the dark , hypocritical side of the religious right , and a wacky send-up of a cult called " bright 'n shiny , " led by the inimitable fabio . unfortunately , a few giggles can't make bubble boy the riotous , off-the-wall comedy it so desperately wants to be . honestly , it's a mystery how on earth this movie was ever made , and i'm not just saying that because it's so mediocre . how odd for disney to take a gamble on a film with an unknown director starring virtually unknown actors that doesn't seem to appeal to any particular demographic and has the potential to offend so many . and now that the studio is suffering through a very public protest against the film by the parents of real-life bubble boy david philip vetter , maybe disney's wondering the same thing . hope the opening box office take makes it worthwhile . bats is this year's camp flick . with the world's worst dialogue , cheesiest premise and stupidest editor , this one should be heaven for those who enjoy films humorous in their inanity . as for the rest of us , well . . . i'd say skip it , but looking at the box office figures for this one , it seems as though most of america is following that advice anyway . follow their lead and you'll spare yourself 90 minutes of your life and 8 bucks to boot . i love alfred hitchcock's the birds , almost as much as i love the short story on which it is based . it saddens me even more , then , to see that american treasure ripped off so blatantly by wannabe horror/schlock such as bats . when mysterious bat attacks occur in a small texas town , the authorities call in a batologist ( dina meyer ) to investigate . it turns out that a creepy scientist ( bob gunton ) has genetically enhanced a couple bats that escaped from his lab , making them smarter and more vicious . why has he done this , you ask ? because , you see , it is apparently a scientist's job to make things " a little better , " even if that means the death of all mankind . so the batologist , her wisecracking sidekick and the town sheriff ( lou diamond phillips ) have to kill all the bats and save the world . of course , that can't happen before they wallow in some guamo ( bat shit , for the uninitiated ) , get up close and personal with some truly repulsive flying mammals and survive some of the dumbest situations ever seen in a professionally produced motion picture . consider , for example , a scene where two people are in a bat cave . the bats are all sleeping , but the humans are afraid they might wake up before they can get out . what do they do ? do they get the hell out of there as fast as they can ? nope . they stand there for a while , transfixed by the thousands of bats opening their eyes . what keeps bats from being scary or creepy is the hyperactive editing in most of the attack scenes . we don't even get to see what's going on ; the screen becomes a mush because the cuts are so quick . all we know is that bats are attacking . how they are attacking and what exactly is happening remains a mystery . a little technical proficiency does wonders for horror movies , and bats sure could use some . of course , director louis morneau tries to liven things up with some intentional humor , but it is so conventional it doesn't really go anywhere . most of the ocmic relief comes courtesy of the batologist's wisecracking sidekick ( leon ) , who takes every opportunity to sputter ingenious lines like " i hate bats ! " some of these are so bad that they take on a double quality : they may inspire a smirk by their very nature and a roaring laugh because they are so inept . i hate characters who exist for the sole purpose of spouting lame one-liners . playing such characters does not help actors' careers . still , i suppose that if you're looking for a movie that is " so bad it's good , " you could do worse than bats . it does have a tremendous amount of camp value . i'm not " recommending " the movie because , quite frankly , it sucks , and i know that this might convince some people to go out and see it . more power to them . starring shawnee smith ; donovan leitch ; ricky paull goldin ; kevin dillon & billy beck the blob is the remake of the 1960's classic ( a term that i use very loosely to define the original ) about a really mean glob of goop that takes out anything that gets in its way . now the original version has the virtue of cheesy special effects which give it a kind of nostalgic campy feel . the fact that steve mcqueen was the star of the film doesn't exactly hurt it either . fast forward to the late '80's . steve mcqueen isn't in the remake ( this might have something to do with the fact that he had been pushing up daisies for years ) . nor is there any hollywood heavy hitters in the lead role . that is unless you count matt dillon's brother kevin as a hollywood heavy hitter . the other thing that works against this new blob is that special effects technology has improved dramatically since the original . the only things you need now to have great special effects in a movie are deep pockets . it looks as if the produces of the new blob had a couple of holes in their pockets . the special effects in this movie are cheesy , like the original's . unlike the original , they don't look campy , they just look cheap . one bright spot in the movie from a purely sexist point of view is shawnee smith . she is very attractive and can actually act , which is more than i can say about some of her costars . in terms of plot , a little ball of pink goop falls from the sky . seems this goop was an experiment that was being housed up on a satellite . anyway , the pink stuff has a taste for humans . the more people it absorbs , the bigger it gets . and it isn't the friendliest goop on the block either . anyway , it attacks this little town and it's up to the attractive local teenage population to stop it . not really , but that is how it seems . this version attempts to recapture the camp of the original . as i've already said , this new version of the blob comes off more as cheap , badly acted , and badly written than campy . in the years since this film was made none of the cast have gone on to greatness . although , star shawnee smith had a very tiny role in armageddon . the reason that we have never heard of any of them again is quite simple -- they all stunk out loud . although some of the film's smaller roles are filled with some actors that , while not big stars , are doubtless people that you will recognize from their supporting roles in other movies and tv shows . it also appears that the producers of the blob tried to compensate for the lack of a special effects budget by making the scenes in which the blob makes meals of the townsfolk as gory as possible . sadly , it doesn't work very well . if you want to see a big ball of goop terrorize a town , then i would say that you should skip the remake and rent the original . ( although that isn't so hot either . ) this newest version is seriously lacking in any redeeming qualities . toward the bottom of the '80s action movie barrel lies action jackson , the only movie in hollywood history to show sharon stone and vanity topless within a span of ten minutes . this carl " apollo creed " weathers vehicle features the traditional cop vs . evil establishment crook , and relies on all the '80s trappings , from the token heroin addict who needs a fix to the shouting superior officer . somewhere in between come the explosions and boobs , although there is a curious lack of exploding boobs . weathers is action jackson , a detroit cop known for all sorts of crazy vigilante techniques . speaking of one past criminal apprehension , jackson's superior yells , " you tore his arm off ! " jackson replies , " he had a spare . " jackson has been busted down to a desk job because of past problems with auto manufacturer dellaplane ( craig t . nelson ) and now has to act as department liaison to a dinner honoring nelson . after hearing what jackson thinks of him , stone says , " i take it you're not one of dellaplane's friends . " " not unless they changed the definition , " jackson glowers . and of course it turns out stone is mrs . dellaplane . faux pas , jackson . . . not everything is happy in motown ; people are being killed and dellaplane has evil plans for the awa . it's all up to jackson to stop it , and his only lead lies in vanity ( not his own ) . wherever she left off with prince in terms of exchanging sexual favors for career advancement she picks up in action jackson . she plays the heroin addict and chanteuse in dellaplane's nightclub . after singing one particularly sultry number for him , she saunters over and complains , " i expected a standing ovation . " he responds , " you're getting one , " and it's damn clever because he's sitting down at the time . prince wouldn't even let out an innuendo that lame and he's the king of the horndogs . . . or at least the prince . it's a testament to the '80s that sharon stone is killed off within the first 30 minutes but vanity survives the whole movie . action jackson is another variation on the " unlikely partners " buddy action flick , with jackson lugging junkie vanity around . this leads to some of the worst paired acting of the me decade , and with the dialogue they're given , there's not much room for improvement . my favorite is when vanity , feeling the effects of drug withdrawal , says , " i feel like my teeth are hollow , my gums are made of dry rubber and someone's trying to start a bonfire in the back of my bloody head . " jackson's response is , " i think i felt that way once . they called it love . " you'll understand when i say watch this at your own risk . serving the world for nearly 1/25th of a century ! if anyone had been able in 1983 to forsee a late-night cable show hosted by gilbert gottfried showcasing some of the worst films of the 80's , they'd agree d . c . cab is the quintessential " usa up all nite " movie . it's one of those childish r-rated movies that kids would love but can't see until it's edited for tv . it's also one of those pointless , almost plotless movies with hardly any laughs . and , strike three , it pairs mr . t with gary busey . i heard gilbert say d . c . cab had " an all-star cast , " but i'm still hoping there was some degree of facetiousness in that statement . when third-billing goes to a two-minute appearance by famed flashdancer irene cara " as herself , " you can't say a damn thing about all-star casts . likewise for token appearances by marsha " roz " warfield , paul rodriguez and " politically incorrect " host bill maher , before he was somebody . appearing in d . c . cab pretty much had the opposite effect on everyone else , especially irene " i'm gonna live forever " cara . d . c . cab is an ensemble comedy from joel schumacher ( who would go on to direct batman forever ) about a bunch of misfits who drive cabs . you get the feeling if the police academy cadets had made a different career choice , this would be the result , except here you have such interesting characters as the " token white guy " ( busey ) who wants to get in tight with the blacks now before they take over the world , the token jive talker named tyrone ( charlie barnett ) who wears his hair in rollers and uses the word " honkey " as much as possible , the tough guy with the mohawk and gold chains ( mr . t -- a real stretch for him ) , the aspiring musician waiting for his big break ( maher ) , the mexican gigolo ( rodriguez ) , the woman who actually wants to drive cabs for a living ( warfield ) and the guy who wants to own a cab company for a living ( adam baldwin ) . we've all seen dozens of bad comedies from the 80's . some are fun to watch and some are actually funny . this one is more or less neither . you'd think plenty of comedic sparks would fly from the assemblage of talent ( whatever ) , but d . c . cab more or less falls flat on a continual basis , culminating in the usual contrived hollywood finale as baldwin is kidnapped and the other cabbies have to go to rescue him . it's a shame no one was able to rescue this movie from the depths of stale jokes and unoriginality . d . c . cab has rightly earned its position on " usa up all nite . " written by alex cox , tod davies , terry gilliam and tony grisoni directed by terry gilliam i've always preferred mushrooms to blotter acid . dropping acid is like riding a roller coaster blindfolded ; you have no idea where the peaks and valleys are , no idea when the next terrifying decent will send your stomach into your throat , and no idea how long the ride will last . then there's the hard knot in your gut and the clenched teeth that come with ingesting a strychnine-laced dose . mushrooms , on the other hand , offer the psychedelic equivalent of a leisurely ride on a ferris wheel : a steady , reassuring assent , a short period of thrilling motion and color , and then a smooth landing . acid is for daredevils ; mushrooms are for refined seekers of joy . my point is that in fear and loathing in las vegas , director terry gilliam has made an acid movie , when i wish he would have made a mushroom movie . full of shocking sight gags , aggressive images and grotesque comic performances , the film certainly offers something for those fans of hunter s . thompson's book who want to experience its twisted pharmacological world-view from the inside out . but for those of us who just want to enjoy a well-made film , gilliam has produced a mixed bag . fear and loathing tells the ostensibly true story of how self-professed " gonzo " journalist hunter s . thompson ( johnny depp ) and hispanic activist attorney oscar zeta actosta ( benicio del toro ) , came to las vegas to cover a motorcycle race and found themselves trapped in the middle of a district attorney's convention while ingesting every conceivable drug available to a man of means in 1971 . operating under the pseudonyms of " raoul duke " and " dr . gonzo " , the two men careen into vegas on an acid and mescaline bender , then hole up in a hotel suite to binge on amyl nitrite , cocaine , tequila and a rainbow of multi-colored uppers and downers . they terrorize every one they meet , mostly because every one they meet terrifies them . duke hallucinates giant bats on the way into town , then is attacked by horrifying lizards in the casino lounge . dr . gonzo becomes enamored of a thick-bladed hunting knife and begs duke to throw the tape player into the bathtub with him just as jefferson airplane's " white rabbit " reaches its climax . and these guys don't just trash hotel rooms - they rape them , humiliate them and leave them for dead . that neither of them ends up dead or in jail is testament to blind luck or providence , depending on your point of view . thompson's book , besides being a hilarious read , has stood the test of time as an important historical document . it simultaneously exposed the 60's drug culture for the sham that it was and exposed las vegas as the place where the american dream came to die . pontificate all you want about how the film illustrates thompson's message , but the truth is that , stripped to its bare essentials , what gilliam has wrought is a drug comedy . it's a cheech and chong movie . you're there to watch depp and del toro ingest a lot of chemicals and then laugh at the results : see johnny take drugs , see johnny fall down . there's nothing wrong with this concept , but gilliam tries too hard . this is a frantic movie - all sweaty close-ups , wide-angle lenses , dutch tilts and other-worldly lighting schemes . there are times when gilliam really does put a convincing representation of an acid trip on the screen . but to what end ? much of the dialogue comes verbatim from thompson's book , and there are some priceless comic observations . but you're hard pressed to hear or digest them amidst all the jumbled camera work . this brings us to the performances , which strike me as all wrong . depp plays thompson as groucho marks filtered through george c . scott in patton - a gimmicky performance which works against the biting satire of thompson's dialogue . in between his several puking scenes , del toro fares better as dr . gonzo , but he also mumbles and sputters so many of his lines that their weight is lost . watching these two made me wish that the movie had been made twenty years ago , with dan akroyd and john belushi as the leads - now that would have been something to see . it's interesting to note that alex cox , credited as a co-writer on the screenplay , was originally slated to direct before gilliam took over . as much of a fan as i am of gilliam's work , cox would have been the better choice . sid and nancy , cox's best work , covered essentially the same subject matter , but cox was able to pull back and allow the characters of sid vicious and nancy spungen to carry the film . gilliam commits the compound sin of over-directing his film while being uncertain of his purpose . what kind of movie was he trying to make , anyway ? it doesn't try to be a cautionary tale , and it doesn't work as broad comedy . if he had considered more carefully his purpose , the result would have been a much more interesting film . but i don't want to be too hard on it . there are some truly funny moments , and if you're in a good enough mood you might get a kick out of it . i do , however , recommend watching fear and loathing in las vegas under the influence of your favorite controlled substance - i guarantee it will enhance the effect . the best thing about , " lake placid " is that it's only 80 minutes long and when it's over you're glad that you didn't waste more than an hour and a half of your time . it's nothing more than a bad rip-off of , " jaws " ( and i think that's being kind . ) it was written by david e . kelly ( " ally mcbeal " ) as a horror-comedy but fails at both , miserably . i was never scared and i think that i only laughed once . the crocodile even fails in comparison to the snake in , " anaconda . " the plot begins when a man is eaten in half by the giant crocodile in black lake in maine . that brings the local sheriff ( brendan gleeson ) and a fish-and-game warden ( bill pulman ) to investigate . also , a paleontologist ( bridget fonda ) from new york is sent to look at a tooth and an eccentric millionaire/crocodile lover ( oliver platt ) flies in because he wants to swim beside the beast . soon there is tension between everybody because half the people want to kill the croc and the other half want to save it . there's also an eccentric old lady ( betty white ) who lives by the lake and has a few secrets . as i mentioned before kelley and director steve minor ( h20 ) don't go for a serious approach towards the material but they also don't have anything sly or satirical or witty to say either . the betty white character is completely unfunny and none of the other characters are really that interesting , they're all basically idiots . if they had any brains the croc wouldn't have been that much of a challenge to catch and they wouldn't have put themselves in half of the situations that they did . but then again , if they were smart there wouldn't be a movie . basically , " lake placid " is best undiscovered . that is , unless you're one of those people who have seen the preview a thousand times on tv or in the theaters . i can tell you one thing now : they gave the entire movie away . why someone would want to base an entire movie on one premise and then give that crucial detail away in the trailers is beyond me . however , if they * hadn't * given it away , the film would've still been suprisingly devoid of suspense given its subject matter . obviously , the producers thought they could remake " the deep end of the ocean , " throw in tommy lee jones and a couple of cliches and call it an action drama . " double jeopardy " offers solid acting from ashley judd and tommy lee jones , who got first billing even though he didn't see to be on screen half as much as judd did . it also offers some genuinely funny , clever , or full-of-tension moments ( my favorite : judd waking up in the coffin ) , but none of that can salvage the film from its insanely predictable plot . half the time i'm wondering whether i'm watching one of those overhyped tv miniseries , which always turn out to be less exciting than advertised . judging by the beginning , end , and a huge chunk of the middle , i might have been watching a special hallmark presentation too . the movie's stretching for an almost two hour long film with only 30 minutes worth of material . implausible material , no less . loose interpretation of one of the amendments aside , too many times in the movie i thought , " that is * not * possible * . " that kind of stuff is excusable in popcorn movies , but not one like " double jeopardy " that tries to pass itself off as serious drama . everything seems dragged out , overplayed . when they should've kept us in the dark , they let the cat out of the bag too early . i had an epiphany today . it occurred to me while i was watching " house on haunted hill . " it is as follows : if a trailer makes the film it's advertising look like a trashy , stupid movie , well guess what ? chances are , there * is * truth in advertising . too bad i didn't trust my own instincts when something-or-the-other possessed me to see this movie . i blame it on my sudden craving for a scare and my anticipation of " sleepy hollow . " that and " dogma " started too late in the afternoon for my schedule . an hour of " angel " or " buffy " is scarier than this doozy that tries to be scary and shtick but falls flat on its face . i wish i'd seen it when it was halloween . at least i would have been forgiving . hey , tis the season . the movie was scary ( albeit very confusing , dizzying , and nauseating ) at first , but soon the horror got repetitive and downright laughable because the film obviously wasn't going anywhere . now i truly appreciate films like " scream , " " halloween , " or any old hitchcock film where the scariness stems from situations that are at least somewhat realistic . that's what spooks people out , the fact that it could happen to them or someone they know . there has to be a logical precedent for the situations they want to scare us with . sure , utterly unpredictable is good , too , but that's different from utterly nonsensical . hohh ( house on haunted hill ) , on the other hand . . . well let's just say i about fell off my chair laughing when they oh-so-cleverly revealed that everyone who got invited to the party was related to the psycho doctors who died in the house a couple of decades ago . riiiiight . y'know , that just sends chills down my spine . yeah . just like i wet my pants when they told me the house is evil . ooooooo . hint : blood and guts only work a few times . sooner or later people start to tell themselves that it's just ketchup and props and you've got to come up with something better than that . there were just too many things in this movie that we've all seen before ; from the inevitable " plot developments " of strangers unwittingly trapped together ; strangers turning against each other ; the evil manifesting itself ; the dead coming back for a last scare . each was more predictable than the last . why didn't these fools just stay together in one place anyways ? sheesh . was i grossed out ? yes . did i get spooked a few times ? yes . but why ? i get really disturbed when there is no why . when there weren't random scares that were there for no other reason than for the visual effect ( which wasn't that good either , trust me ) and the scare , the film was filled with drab , laughable dialogue . the characters were incredibly flat and cliched . not to mention downright annoying . you've got a bunch of people going nowhere in their lives ; of course they're dumb enough to go to a party some stranger invited them to provided they win a million dollars if they survive the night . jeez , i thought no one fell for those " you may already be a winner " things anymore . and of course , all three gals are babes . i wonder how on earth the geoffrey rush of " shine " ended up in this movie . keep that up , geoff , and you'll qualify for the next batman venture . the only single person i enjoyed was chris kattan because , well , he just cracks me up . and famke jansen ( sp ? ) because she reminds me of the delectable brosnan . pierce brosnan ( hey , i willingly endured " dante's peak " three times for him : ) . all right , i concede . there were a couple of things i enjoyed . that perverted little amusement park at the beginning . i probably won't ride a rollercoaster for a while . and the machine they used to drive geoffrey's character mad ( see , i don't even remember their names ) . the machine , not that stupid fishtank with naked wimmin in it . i kept waiting and waiting for that inevitable twist at the end of the movie . it wouldn't have redeemed the film , but at least it would have made me feel better . but no , they opted for the beautiful sunrise ending . thank god they didn't add a kiss at the end or i would have puked . god , there is no hope . director andrew davis reworks his fugitive formula and the results are about as exciting as his last film-- the dreadful comedy steal big , steal little-- was funny . keanu " i'd rather play music than play another action hero " reeves is the grad student on the run , who , along with his superfluous sidekick ( rachel weisz ) , has been framed for a sabotaged science experiment that vaporized eight chicago city blocks . ( the mushroom-cloud explosion is a knock-out and easily the best part of the movie . or , as one audience member succinctly summed it up : " whoa . " ) false information implicates their involvement and boy and girl are soon on the run , fleeing over open drawbridges , across icy lakes , and through the corridors of power at a top-secret , underground energy facility . aiding and abetting is the team's shady mentor , played in an excellent-but-so- what performance by morgan freeman . ( brit brian cox is also about , as the behind-the-scenes bad guy . he has some fun fiddling with a southern accent . ) unfunny , overscored , and without a single shred of suspense , chain reaction is * the * summer movie to walk out on . if you make it to the end , a mess of cross-cutting involving another imminent explosion , you'll hear somebody say " i guess it's time to go . " heed that warning . one of the most blatantly obvious signs that often-acclaimed director sidney lumet's " gloria , " a remake of the 1980 john cassavetes film , had absolutely no effect on me occurred when i was driving home from the theatre . suddenly , i realized that since i had stood up from my theatre seat five minutes before , i had not thought once about the film i had just invested nearly two hours of my life in . when a movie is over , aren't we supposed to think about it for a while , and have a conversation about it with the acquaintances we have just watched it with ? i thought so , but , for one , i saw this particular picture by myself , and #2 , even if i had been with someone there wouldn't have been anything to talk about in the first place . to be sure , " gloria " begins with a stirring , rather poignant prologue in which a seven-year-old boy's family is brutally gunned down by mobsters , in search of a disc his father had with incriminating evidence on it . right before the men broke in , of course , his father gave him the disc to escape with . eventually , the boy , named nicky nunez ( jean-luke figueroa ) , is caught by the mobsters , and taken back to their apartment . meanwhile , gloria ( sharon stone ) has just gotten out of prison for a crime she didn't commit and returns to her ex-boyfriend ( jeremy northam ) to recieve the money he promised her for covering up his crime . when he refuses to give it to her , and then hears the group of men talking about killing nicky , she leaves with him in order to save his life , but not before holding the men at gunpoint , stealing all of their money , and forcing them to strip nude . gloria is the type of fast-talking , smart-mouthed new yorker who always seems to get involved with the wrong people , and she never expected to be stuck with a kid , but she has a heart of gold ( don't they always in this type of movie ) and is only trying to protect the boy , whom she quickly begins to form a close bond with . the previous incarnation of " gloria " by cassavetes and starring the luminous gena rowlands , remains unseen by me , but was no doubt superior , even though i can't really imagine how this considerably dull story could be transformed into an entertaining one , regardless of the director or stars . there is no doubt in my mind that director lumet has stuck closely to the original , but the film itself is simply lifeless , with only an occasional laugh popping up here and there so that it isn't completely unbearable to watch . i liked , for example , a very funny climactic sequence where gloria is deciding whether to leave the school she has left the boy at , and keeps turning the car around , then driving a little ways , then slamming on the brakes and turning around again . these bright moments , however , appear long and far between , and the majority of the film deals with the budding relationship between nicky and gloria , which is both painfully predictable and by-the-numbers . throughout , my mind was repeatedly asking the question , " who really cares ? " as gloria , sharon stone has adopted an over-the-top brooklyn accent that honestly doesn't sound realistic at all . in the beginning , in fact , i was amazed at how amateurish stone's performance was , but as the film progressed she got better . although not one of her better turns , stone does have a comic flare that refuses to be ignored . jean-luke figeroa was fine as nicky and a little more natural than the usual child actors who are so precocious they make you want to gag . all other actors who appeared were considerably wasted , none more than cathy moriarty , an entertaining actress in her own right , who is billed fourth and has all of one scene , as gloria's friend whom she turns to for help . sony , the studio that released " gloria , " obviously does not have any faith in the film , and i don't blame them . they declined to screen the picture for critics , which is never a good sign , particularly with the high-profile people involved . although how much money a movie makes does not determine how good it is ( just look at the spectacular " in dreams , " which failed to even make the top 10 last week ) , i have a suspicion " gloria " is going to vanish from theaters faster than " ishtar , " judging from the opening night 7 : 00 p . m . showing i saw it at , where there were about ten to fifteen people present , counting myself . although stone can be an impressive actress ( just watch her in 1995's " casino " or 1996's " last dance " if you don't believe me ) and sidney lumet can be a respectable director , there is no reasoning for why they thought the cliched story of " gloria " was worth remaking or , for that matter , why columbia pictures agreed to finance it when they could have been making a picture that actually looked like it might have an inkling of a chance to be successful . pre-review note : seeing as the only concern of body shots is " sex " , i will be forced to refer to that particular act innumerable times throughout the duration of this review . because of this , i will try to vary word descriptions of " sex " ( meaning if you are offended by pejorative terms , and \ or your name is jerry falwell , you are kindly invited to hit the x up on the left corner of your screen ) , so if there happens to be a word you come across and cannot comprehend , fret not , it's most likely just another way of referring to " sex " . i think we'd all agree that any word used incessantly becomes a bit monotonous so i hope you appreciate my attempt to liven up what could potentially be a very boring review . though not as boring as the movie which makes steve forbes flat tax plan seem as lively as watching a naked mathew mconaughy play the bongos while high on god knows what . body shots is a film so frightened of coitus that scenes of copulation are filmed ominously , in the way you'd normally expect to see a violent attack . it's about people who think about screwing , seek it out , and talk about it . these are things we all do , sometimes . the characters in this film spend every waking moment pondering the simplicities of sexual acts . their lives center around the next sexual encounter , but they seemed depressed . it's as if fucking is all they have to look forward to after a busy workweek . at its core body shots is a message movie , the kind of thing i could picture really progressive church groups showing to middle schoolers in order to turn them off coition . michael cristoffer ( who directed gia , another film that treated bumping uglies as if it where evil ) is a moralist with nothing new to say . his characters don't communicate anything of interest to each other , so cristoffer gives them an opportunity to let out their inner thoughts by speaking directly into the camera . they voice simplistic platitudes like " i like to come " or " sex without love equals violence " . huh ? and yes that is as complex as this movie's observations get . the characters are stupid and shallow , with not one registering as anything more . the plot concerns vapid over sexed twentysomethings on an all night hunt for carnal pleasure , then the after math ( the morning after ) of such events . we meet the characters as they speak directly to us , confiding in us with their idiotic ruminations on intimacy . i would normally go into the characters and the actors who play them , giving you the pros and cons , but for this film i cannot . i'm not trying to be clever or witty , but i honestly hardly remember anything that would set them apart from the others . with the exception of trent ( played by ron livingston as a bargain basement patrick bateman ) , the rest fade into each other-- a patchwork of fake breasts , defined abs , pearly white teeth , and creamy , flawless skin . i vaguely recall brad rowe as the sensitive one , only because his character gets the worst lines ( " sex without love equals violence " ) . in between all the confessionals , cristoffer films everything like a headache commercial , with blurry slo mos and dramatic head turning . the fact that this director at one point won a pulitzer prize completely baffles me . this film is made without one iota of intelligence or insight into the generation that its tag line claims to be defining . if body shots is meant to say that all twentysometyhings are idiotic and f * * k-obsessed , fine , i don't have any problem with a film that tries to persuade me to think a certain way , but cristoffer only gives us one side . additionally that one side isn't even entertaining ; the characters indulge in buggery without an ounce of sexiness . or realism . one sexual encounter takes place outside a club on a chain link fence between the two most sensitive characters . they suddenly have vigorous intercourse with each other for no apparent reason ( other than that they both happen to be standing next to each other ? ? ? alas , if it could only be that easy ? ? ? kidding of course ) , then , not only isn't it erotic , it isn't real . it doesn't feel like an authentic sexual encounter . every f * * k scene in this film ( and there are many ) is treated in the same unsexy manner . body shots makes fornication dirtier than the most scummy porno film . it shows us none of the pleasure that should go along with it , and most of all , it fails to show us why its characters love making it so much if they seem to hate the act of actually doing it . the resulting search for nookie ( and you can take that cookie ? ? ? ) over one night leaves us with several tedious plot lines to follow . the main concern is much ado over a rape that may or may not have occurred . the film shows us two separate versions of the possible rape ( one where it is consensual the other where it is not ) and in both versions the young actress playing the possible victim gets her shirt torn off . this is a topic that could be interestingly explored if done intelligently , and if memory serves me i can't think of one film that has done so , and yes i saw the accused which may be one of the most overrated movies of the 80's next to wall street . unfortunately nobody gives us reason to care , not the writer , the director or the actors nearly all of whom seem to have wandered off the set of a noxious 90210 spin off . paul thomas anderson approached boogie nights in a manner similar to what cristoffer does here , though boogie nights succeeded . it was similarly moralistic , but it gave us two different viewpoints ; it showed us how the lifestyle of porn enticed its characters , and it showed us the possible fall-out of such a decision . the characters in boogie nights were as idiotic as the characters are here , but anderson seemed to care about them . he gave them heart . cristoffer gives them nothing but raging hormones . he preaches to us , by using his characters to preach to us . this is not the way to get any message across . why not just direct a public service announcement on the perils of hittin' skins ? cristofer kind of does that , though without an ounce of insight , and with a helping of leering exploitation . i'm guessing -- and from the available evidence , it's not a great guess -- that burn hollywood burn began life as an insider satire of hollywood excess , stupidity , ego and power-mongering . if so , the film that ended up on the screen ranks as one of the most spectacularly ironic unintentional jokes in film history . it has already been well-documented that the original title , an alan smithee film , became a problem when miserable test screenings forced re-cuts against the will of director arthur hiller , prompting hiller himself to opt for the directors' guild-mandated pseudonym of alan smithee . that left a film satire in the hands of writer joe eszterhas , as humorless a hack as ever put finger to word processor . and you could just smell the disaster brewing . if you're unfortunate enough to sit through burn hollywood burn , you'll still be smelling that disaster long after the lights come up . ostensibly , it's a pseudo-documentary account of a director named alan smithee ( eric idle ) who loses control of a big-budget action film called trio starring sylvester stallone , whoopi goldberg and jackie chan ( all of whom appear as themselves ) . when the only recourse available to him is abandoning the project to be called " an alan smithee film " -- which , of course , it already is -- smithee steals the negative of the film and threatens to destroy it . among the parties interviewed are the film's producer james edmunds ( ryan o'neal ) and studio boss jerry glover ( richard jeni ) , who spend virtually the entire film narrating the story while painfully unfunny things go on around them . it's bad enough that burn hollywood burn has -- literally -- not a single laugh for its entire , blissfully brief 84 minutes . what makes it even worse is eszterhas' insistence upon telling every bad joke not once , but twice or even three times . michael ovitz references , showgirls references , oral sex references , whoopi goldberg/ted danson references -- all show up multiple times with all the subtlety that is eszterhas' stock-in-trade . the reduncancy even manages to turn actively offensive with some frequency , notably with the hilarious use of the word " feminist " as an identifying caption for every single female character in the film . by the time coolio and chuck d show up as black independent film-makers the brothers brothers ( cleverly identified as " bad a-- " and " badder a-- " , among other unprintable things ) , you may be ready to walk out of the theater with your coat over your head to avoid being identified . those documentary captions , for all their leaden obviousness , allow the best insight into what's so hideously wrong with burn hollywood burn . not content to stick any hollywood type with only one jab from his rapier wit , eszterhas fills the screen with bullet points every time a new character appears . the producer is a " liar " who " slept in the white house ; " the media are " maggots " and " leeches " working for publications like " the new york slimes " and " newsleak " ( with the camera zooming in on the altered title to make sure you don't miss the joke ) . it doesn't even matter that eszterhas tags " penile implant " after his own name when he makes a cameo , because it seems like such a desperate attempt to feign self-deprecation . this is a petulant schoolboy's idea of satire -- pictures of hollywood insiders to which eszterhas has taken a pen to draw little moustaches and black out the teeth . the last stomach-churning straw comes when burn hollywood burn closes with out-takes over the closing credits , the kind that show the audience how much fun everyone was having making the film that just sucked an hour and a half of your life away . perhaps it was just a final , desperate attempt by eszterhas to convince himself there was some purpose behind the film , or to convince everyone involved that a few blown lines warranted threatening to blow their whole career . pity everyone involved with this excessive , ego-driven " satire " of excess and ego . it's too bad that only directors can remove their names from noxious material like this . otherwise , you might have seen credits for burn hollywood burn overflowing with alan smithees . " meg ryan is irresistible in the comedy that celebrates sisterhood ! , " screams the television ads for " hanging up , " disastrously written by real-life sisters delia and nora ephron and sloppily directed by diane keaton . make me laugh again ! not only is " hanging up " misadvertised , since the film wholeheartedly focuses on middle sister meg ryan and gives her two co-stars , lisa kudrow and diane keaton , little more than extended cameos , but they don't actually come together until the final ten to fifteen minutes . and we are supposed to believe their strong bond , and smile in the last scene when they rekindle their rocky relationship , despite them being apart for the majority of the running time ? excuse me , again , while i almost bust a gut at that truly delusional notion . eve marks ( meg ryan ) is the middle mozzell sister , still living in the california town where she grew up , and with a husband ( adam arkin ) and pre-teen son ( jesse james ) . her elderly , wisecracking father , lou ( walter matthau , in his brightest performance in years ) has just recently been put into the hospital , in the final stages of what i assume is alzheimer's ( even though the film never enlightens us on exactly what is wrong with him ) . while eve's relationship with her mother ( cloris leachman ) is nearly nonexistent , since she ran out on lou and her children years ago , she has had her fair share of up's and down's with lou , who used to be an alcoholic . her older sister is georgia ( diane keaton ) , an editor for the self-titled magazine , " georgia , " while maddy ( lisa kudrow ) is the youngest , a soap opera actress . interestingly , their professions are given , but we not once ever see them working at their jobs , or , for that matter , learn much of anything about them . maddy , georgia , and eve do not see each other much anymore , their adult lives gradually causing them to drift apart , but they do manage to consistently talk on the phone to one another . and they talk . and talk . and talk . . . in fact , the telephone is the major star of the film , even more so than ryan , as it appears in virtually every scene of this interminable 92-minute catastrophe that feels like its three hours long . if you are able to get through the opening half-hour , in which phones ring so much you feel like jumping through the screen and taking a sledgehammer to them , you will surely survive the rest . the question is , who would want to subject themselves to this resolutely irritating , self-involved pat-on-the-back ? how could a comedy-drama that has the star-power of meg ryan , lisa kudrow , and diane keaton be so very bad in so many different ways ? issues from the past involving the possible jealousy each has had for one of the others is fleetingly brought up , but the film isn't mature enough to deal with such a thing in a thoughtful manner , and since we learn next to nothing about their childhood , it is a lost cause that comes off as nothing more than an afterthought . also , it is expected that the viewer quickly catch on to the tricky dynamic that the three sisters have with one another , but no dynamic metamorphosizes . and when they do reunite in the finale , their whole consanguinity is reduced to a repulsively annoying three-minute scene in which they argue like little children . you can see the impending death coming a mile away , and it conveniently occurs in the next scene , so that the three can quickly come to terms with themselves , and with each other . you think to yourself : " the only thing left for them to do is have a playful food-fight , " and like clockwork , it also occurs by the end credits . meg ryan is a versatile actress ( look no further than 1998's " hurlyburly " or 1994's " when a man loves a woman " ) , despite her various detractors who stubbornly believe all she can do is romantic comedies . with " hanging up , " the only thing she needs to do is completely sever her filmmaking ties with nora ephron , a writer/director/hack who shouldn't be allowed to work in hollywood again after this big-budget , high-profile debacle . even if she knew what she was making was not exactly up to par in the quality department , she nonetheless is very good , and the two scenes that work , flashbacks to christmas 1988 , when she had a heartbreaking run-in with her mother , and to halloween 1993 , when lou crashed her son's birthday party in a drunken stupor , are effective because of the realism ryan brings to the situations . diane keaton , as georgia , is better as an actress than a director here , but that is a wildly feeble compliment . what is more than a little far-fetched is that keaton is distinctly older than ryan and kudrow , although in the very brief glimpses we get at them as children , she is no more than five years ryan's senior . yeah , right . lastly , poor lisa kudrow has been wasted once again in a big-screen venture , after her even more thin role in 1999's " analyze this . " kudrow isn't given enough time to create a full personality with maddy , so it isn't her fault she doesn't register until a few quiet moments sprinkled throughout where she is actually blessed with being given dialogue . if anything , though , kudrow is a real talent , and i anxiously await the next time she is given a role more deserving of her time , as in her brilliantly nuanced , oscar-caliber work in 1998's " the opposite of sex . " if you are a fan of kudrow's ( and who isn't ? ) , do yourself a favor and rent this gem that puts more good use to kudrow in sixty seconds than " hanging up " does in its entirety . as eve's hardworking husband , adam arkin is , predictably , squandered with a role that gives him next to nothing to do , until a subplot reveals itself midway through , only to never be mentioned again . cloris leachman , as with ryan and matthau , makes a small , but noticeable impression with her , albeit , very brief appearance , while edie mcclurg , as a rosy-cheeked woman lou had an affair with in the christmas 1988 flashback , manages one of the few laughs in this otherwise joyless production . nearly all the emotions displayed within " hanging up " are patently manufactured , and despite the movie wanting the viewer to care about the characters , aside from eve , why would you want to when they are all spoiled brats ? if , for some bizarre , " twilight zone " -type of reason , you find yourself in a movie theater showing this film , my suggestion would be to hang up on it before the opening credits are over . saying it is a waste of time is an understatement of epic proportions . under any other circumstances , i would not be discussing the ending of a film to the extent that i will in this particular review . however , in order to fully explain exactly how and why this movie is so awful , a minute dissection of the ending is necessary . even though i will not reveal the details of the last scenes , do proceed at your own risk . the movie opens ( quite poorly , i might add ) as child psychologist malcolm crowe ( bruce willis , looking like he was dragged out of his trailer at the wee hours of the morning to shoot each scene ) and his wife are intruded upon by one of malcolm's past patients . distraught , the suicidal man ( a cameo by new kid on the block donnie wahlberg ) shoots malcolm and then turns the gun on himself . cut to the " next fall " , as we find the good doctor quietly observing his latest case , a trouble young man named cole ( haley joel osment , one of the only child actors in a while i didn't want to bludgeoned over the head with a blunt instrument ) . after about 45 minutes of seemingly unrelated freak occurrences , we learn that cole has " the sixth sense " , the gift of being able to communicate with the dead . and this , as they say , is where the healing begins . the sixth sense and its unexpected popularity is founded upon a twist ending that i knew going into the film ( one of roger ebert's colleges was kind enough to give it away on a recent segment of " siskel and ebert " ) . although i was at first enraged that an established film critic could so callously ruin a film for thousands of patrons , i soon realized that this turn of events could in fact have been a blessing in disguise ; i've always been a sucker for surprise endings ( my favorite movie is the usual suspects ) and rarely dislike a film that sports one . here , since i knew the major plot twist that was coming at the film's conclusion , the possibly of being bamboozled into loving a bad movie solely because of its ending ( something i've fallen victim to in the past ) was eliminated . and indeed , my viewing of the sixth sense did prove to be quite an enlightening experiment . stripped of the element of surprise , the film was put to the task of showing what it really had , instead of simply hiding behind a shocking conclusion . after seeing its true colors , i came to the conclusion that the sixth sense is , despite what the many champions of the movie may say , void of any real power . it's a neat concept , but not one that justifies being made into a feature-length movie . in fact , the sixth sense relies so strongly on its finale that the rest of the film develops as a sort of prelude to the supposedly earth-shattering revelation that is yet to come . and when the final moments do come , it's a huge letdown ; the end makes no sense at all . it stupefied me with the heights of its ineptitude and is completely idiotic on a fundamental and very rare level . i won't go into any details , but suffice to say that , as far as i can tell , it negates to rest of the movie to such an extent that anyone who buys it even for a second must be suffering from a very acute case of attention deficit disorder . now , in all fairness , i cannot say for sure that i would have guessed the ending ( however stupid it may be ) had it not been revealed to me before hand . however , i feel very confident that i , as well as anyone who had seen a few " twilight zone " episodes , would have seen it coming a mile away . the fact that movie-goers nation wide are surprised by the ending still has me stumped . ironically , to fully appreciate the best scene ( that of cole and malcolm attending a little girl's funeral ) , the viewer is required to be aware of a very rare psychological disorder called munchausen syndrome by proxy . i wouldn't have even known about this mental disease if i hadn't , by pure dumb luck , caught " dateline nbc " the other week when they did a feature story on it . despite being blessed with some really amazing cinematography and a brauva performance from osment ( where was this kid when casting calls were going out for the phantom menace ? ) , in the end , the sixth sense is too chalk-full of contradictions and just isn't plausible enough to warrant even a slight recommendation . brian de palma's snake eyes stars nicolas cage's evil twin , who confusingly uses the same stage name as his talented brother . like a foreign tourist who screams his lines in english to ensure that he will be understood , cage yells with the ferocity of a man with a bad case of caffeine overload . de palma , whose last great film , the untouchables , was crafted over a decade ago seems to have lost his magic . in snake eyes , he manages to elicit some of the worst performances possible out of a skilled cast . only gary sinise rises slightly above the hackneyed material . the rest of the actors become caricatures in this by-the-numbers thriller . ryuichi sakamoto's atmospheric and melodramatic music dominates almost every scene . heavy on the long violin notes , its rhythm is punctuated by thunder . ( the script by de palma and lost world's david koepp sets the action during a hurricane in an attempt to pump up the adrenaline level and the noise . only the latter is achieved . ) cage plays rick santoro , a corrupt atlantic city cop who shakes down criminals to get betting money . the movie takes place over a single evening when a world championship fight is being held . with a flashy , bad wardrobe and a gold cell phone , rick is an obnoxious cop who doesn't know when to shut up . spouting cliched and ridiculous dialog , he screams such lines as , " i was made for the sewer , baby ! " actually the line is more apropos for the movie as a whole . sinise plays kevin dunne , a naval officer who is in charge of the security for the secretary of the navy , who has come to watch the fight . but most people in the film are not who they seem to be , and the thin script makes all of them easy to guess . the plot , which is told in endless flashbacks , concerns the assassination of the secretary through a scheme set up by some malevolent businessmen ? that adjective is , of course , redundant in hollywood thrillers . the flashbacks become repetitious with the same scene shown again and again , sometimes from a different perspective and sometimes not . although a brian de palma film requires a certain amount of gratuitous violence , this one is remarkably tame for the man who became famous when he made carrie . the movie's outline has some promise , but the movie itself is leaden . the film takes itself all too seriously . at best , it is a 1940s-style b movie . a little humor would have helped the script some , but a complete rewrite would have been better . and , although i hate to say it , a different director would have been the biggest improvement . snake eyes runs 1 : 39 . it is rated r for violence and would be acceptable for teenagers . a disappointing biography about the homosexual relationship of two famous 19th century french poets . the film managed to remove all the poetry from the poets and instead concentrated on their abrasive personalities . the result is merely an academic exercise , leaving an emotional vacuum that it couldn't build on to show them as the poets they were . on paper , this shouldn't have been so terrible -- it had a talented director in agnieszka holland ( " the secret garden " ) , a proven screenwriter in christopher hampton ( dangerous liaisons ) , and a capable cast . but the film was done in by its inept script , the unappealing way the film was directed , and the miscasting of leonardo dicaprio as rimbaud . i found his performance to be the most risible one in the film , with him acting more like a teenage brat than a young genius , spouting obsenities without giving a hint that a true poet lies behind that facade . he , especially , looked bad because david thewlis as paul verlaine looked so good despite the turgid dialogue that was thrust upon him and how thin a character he was forced to be . but when the two of them were together , it looked like a mismatch . leonardo's rimbaud only made the young poet look petulant and crude , yet we know from rimbaud's poetry , that he must have had something going for him because his poetry was awe inspiring . the film opens in post-revolutionary france in 1871 , the 16-year-old rimbaud has sent the established symbolist poet verlaine a letter with his poems . he accepts verlaine's praises and invitation to be a house guest in his splendid paris home , and rimbaud leaves his sullen farm in rural charleville . once there , rimbaud is disappointed in the bourgeoisie household , has an immediate conflict with verlaine's busty 18-year-old wife mathilde ( romane ) , and finds to his regret that the drunken verlaine loves his rich wife for her body and that he lives off her family's money , even though he has nothing else in common with her . when verlaine states , " poets can learn from one another , " rimbaud replies in a haughty tone , " only if they're bad poets . " he will continue to treat the older poet like dirt for the rest of their relationship . verlaine proves to be weak-willed , beating his wife regularly , and plays just as despicable a character as rimbaud . when mathilde's father kicks rimbaud out of the house , verlaine finds him in a rooming house and the two become lovers . it's a real downer to watch this story unfold into a series of obnoxious behavior patterns on the part of the two poets , which leads them to traveling together and mathilde asking for a divorce . in brussels , verlaine gets arrested for sodomy and spends two years in jail . while rimbaud becomes angered at the literary world and never writes another poem after he becomes 19 . he instead goes to north africa and becomes an adventurer and a gun-runner , and after ten years there , comes home with a tumor on his knee and dies a changed man at the age of 37 . the hopeless relationship between the two is what the picture covers in detail and that was not very satisfying . the film ends on a whimper . . . with verlaine talking with rimbaud's sister about her brother and the poems of his he still possesses , which the sister wants destroyed so as not to embarrass the family or ruin the name of her deceased brother if published . this film was especially annoying because rimbaud's poems are filled with a visionary tenseness that are not even approached in this film , as the film only manages to skim the surface of the lives of these poets and completely ignores the value of their poetry . i have no idea what the filmmaker was trying to say in this film , but whatever it was , it just didn't work . it certainly didn't bring any light into understanding what rimbaud meant to modern poetry and why he earned the reputation as the so-called father of modern poetry . in our time . in our modern world , where the cool rule , it's hard to imagine that shakespeare is becoming 'the man' . and yet - film after film , after film , is based on his everlasting magic . in warner brothers' latest production , shakespeare is kicking ass to a rap beat , while his magic and intelligence slowly fades away . though the producers of the matrix have vaguely based their picture on william shakespeare's 'romeo and juliet' , its title sequence with a frightening rap song and a black limo making its way through the dark streets of new york , is very hard to associate with shakespeare's poetry . the film takes place during a silent war between the two major mafia families in the city - the afro americans against the chinese . the youngest son of a chinese mafia chieftain is found murdered . the afro-americans are immediately suspected , but a peace treaty is signed between the two godfathers . it is at this point that han ( the romeo of the story ) finds out about his brother's death . escaping from a prison in china , he returns to united states to avenge his brother's fate . but before he can restore justice with his kung fu kicks , he falls in love with a mysterious beauty . the only problem is that she is the daughter of his enemy . . there's only a weak echo of shakespeare's talent in this disappointing production . and there are more problems besides its title . of course we don't call it a deformation of a great masterpiece . we call it 'modernization' . it seems that the producers fear that the audience will not respond to lyrics , without any car chases and gun fights . this lack of respect for the audience i find very disturbing . kenneth brannagh has already proven that shakespeare doesn't need to be updated , because his tales are grounded in the basics of life and human nature . and as long as love , hate , honesty and corruption do exist , everyone will understand and embrace shakespeare . i must admit that i found 'rome must die' very confusing . i can forgive andrzej bartkowiak , since it is his first attempt at directing . he manages to create an incredible atmosphere and directs with a firm precision . unfortunately he completely forgot about character- and story developments . his latest picture is therefore visually impressive , but intellectually hollow . the love story between han ( jet li ) and trish ( aalyah ) , and the mafia intrigues are undeveloped and simplified . jet li is one of the most amazing fighters to ever hit the silver screen and aalyah has a magical voice . their achievement save this film from being completely braindead , but they are not actors , and therefore can not act . they are nothing more than two celebrities put together . the other actors , including isaiah washington , russell wong , henry o and dmx all give the standard mediocre performances . delroy lindo is the only one that projects a coherent image of reality . but there's more than acting to worry about . even with li's incredible skills in martial arts , the action scenes ( though technically excellent ) are too long and story updates simply embarrassing . to make a long story short : 'romeo must die' is not intelligent enough to be a thriller , not sensual enough to be a love story and too serious to be a fun action film . it is certain that bartkowiak would be much better off with o this embarrassing and completely unnecessary parallel to 'romeo and juliet' , so the film is completely stuck - not sure of what to be . and in the end it's nothing . there are no performances worthy of notice , no interesting character- or story surprises . so again , the only good thing about it is its technical achievement . this film can boast of great sound , fast paced editing , solid cinematography and some very well coordinated action sequences . the music is another factor that prevents you from leaving the theatre . it is mostly provided by aalyah's enchanting voice and several carefully inserted rap songs by various artists , that create a kind of 'ghetto feel' to it . but when i think back , it's not much i remember from this 'production' . as in almost every summer movie , there are some interesting scenes , but most of the moments that i remember are associated with massive special effects . it is not a film that will get any attention for its artistic qualities , simply because it doesn't have any . for someone who has never read shakespeare , it's another popcorn film . for those of us who has , it's a waste of money , time and brain cells . isn't it the ultimate sign of a movie's cinematic ineptitude when you can't think of much to say about it other than " it sucks " ? one of the first official year 2000 releases , supernova is such a movie . i can't seem to get past one-word adjectives with this one , although " boring , " " stupid " and " absurd " doesn't amount to much of a review . a shame . i would have been able to save myself the chore of desperately trying to elaborate . but c'est la vie . here goes nothing . i'll keep it short . i suppose the first bad omen for supernova came when director walter hill ( 48 hours ) removed his name from the movie , requesting that it be replaced with the pseudonym thomas lee . the film's fate was sealed in many minds when struggling studio mgm declined to screen it for the press , an event usually signifying a studio's lack of confidence in a particular movie . hill's and mgm's actions were prudent . when the captain of medical space vessel nightingale dies in a tragic hyperjump accident , a reformed drug addict who is also the first officer , for some reason ( james spader ) is forced to take command . the ship picks up a distress call from a nearby planet and , on arrival , picks up one survivor from an apparent accident in an abandoned mining colony . one of the crew members ( angela bassett ) knows this passenger , who is played by peter facinelli , and has some bad feelings about it -- and we all know what that means . this intergalactic hitchhiker is carrying some mysterious cargo -- a jellylike substance the purpose of which is unknown , though it seems to bring some form of pleasure to whoever touches it . another one of the crew members experiences this first hand ; after spending a few minutes partially inside this glob of goo , he does some impressive handstand pushups . evidently , touching this enigmatic egg-shaped thingie makes you younger and stronger . how ? why ? the movie never bothers to explain . soon enough though , spader and bassett are running around the ship like mad , being chased by the all-of-a-sudden-superhuman facinelli . to be honest , i don't even remember exactly why . i just remember that i didn't care . supernova's plot suggested some more or less interesting ideas , such as the ball of goo being an intergalactic time bomb , but they are all dropped before they have a chance to develop into anything truly intriguing . in fact , everything is dropped just so the actors can have some fun running around what looks like an elaborate set . well , the effects are good , though there's hardly a studio movie with bad special effects these days so i'm not sure whether that's so remarkable an accomplishment . the performances are hardly worth talking about . i'm not even sure i can call what's here " performances , " though angela bassett sure is good at giving people the finger . james spader is not a bad actor , but he proves to be one of the blandest action stars i've seen in a while , mostly because he isn't given a character with a personality . the action scenes are just as bland , since they're pretty much just rehashes of action elements that weren't particularly entertaining the first time around . and since the action scenes are everything to this movie , it's pretty much dead in the water . and for the life of me , i can't figure out why it's called supernova . " idle hands " is distasteful , crass and derivative . if an original thought found its way into this horror-comedy it would die of loneliness . plus , you have to question the judgment and sensitivity of studio executives who would green light the release of a movie dealing with the slaughter of innocent teen-agers the week after the tragedy in littleton , colo . the movie is insulting to horror film fans and teen-agers . the plot , what little there is , deals with anton ( devon sawa ) , a high-school slacker who's hand goes on a murderous rampage after becoming possessed . along the way the hand kills anton's parents and his two best friends . the friends , also slackers , are so lazy that they return from the dead because the walk into the light was too far for them . that is the level of this's atrocity's humor . the movie treats death as a joke . " idle hands " is gruesome and morbid . the performances are stereotypical and cartoonish . i realize this is supposed to pass for comedy , but recent events have surpassed what is on the screen . it is not the fault of the filmmakers that real life has overtaken reel life . and i can only presume that the writers of " idle hands , " terri hughes and ron milbauer , were trying to make some statement about today's young people and their values in a satiric vein . however , it's hard to laugh at death these days , especially ones involving young people . with the real horrors of the world put before us on television , a stale pastry such as " idle hands " should be held from release for a few weeks or months to give us time to catch our collective breaths . " idle hands " is bad , no matter the circumstances in the world outside . but the context of recent events only heightens its shortcomings . the time is not right for this type of movie . and as far as " idle hands " goes , the time may never be right . this is a movie that shoud be consigned to the trash bin of cinema . a movie about divorce and custody in 1995 seems about as timely as a movie about mood rings . family breakups have been an all too familiar part of the american landscape for nearly thirty years , and countless dramas have told stories of acrimonious court battles in hand-wringing detail . still , i can't recall a comedy about the subject before bye bye love . and after it , i still can't . bye bye love is rarely funny , more often a weak and melodramatic retread of common tv-movie fare . only a few moments which have nothing to do with the film's main premise offer big laughs instead of cliched emotion . bye bye love follows one weekend in the lives of three divorced fathers who get weekend custody of their children . dave ( matthew modine ) , a father of two , is an inveterate womanizer having difficulty staying faithful to his latest girlfriend ; vic ( randy quaid ) is a foul-humored father of three about to go on a rare date ; donny ( paul reiser ) pines for his ex-wife and has trouble relating to his teenage daughter emma ( eliza dushku ) . over the course of the weekend , the three men face various crises , including vic's blind date from hell ( janeane garofolo ) and donny's growing estrangement from emma . the three lead actors form a rather unlikely combo , and the quality of their performances is of widely varying quality . randy quaid is the best of the three , bitter without being irritating , gleefully spiteful without being frightening . his run-ins with is ex-wife ( lindsey crouse ) are a bit over-played , though , and his confrontation with a pompous radio psychologist ( rob reiner ) is gimmicky and implausible . he does get bye bye love's best sub-plot , a hilarious dinner date with a gloriously demented janeane garofolo , and he does a great slow burn . paul reiser really has only one character , his slightly befuddled , uptight nice guy " mad about you " persona , but he does it well . as a personality , he is appealing , but as a character , he becomes pretty boring here . matthew modine , is , quite simply , terrible . this isn't a performance good enough to be called mailed-in ; he even forgot to put a stamp on it . modine lacks any charm in an appallingly under-written role , looks bored most of the time , and gets stuck with a trite little speech about how it's all his father's fault he's such a cad . carolco's executives , whose entire future is resting on modine's bankability for the upcoming cutthroat island , must be sweating buckets right now . bye bye love basically comes off as a very confused movie , because it spends far too much of its time on the new relationships of its main characters instead of on the relationships between the fathers and their kids , making it just another " dating in the 90s " movie . when the movie does deal with the children at all , it is to have one of them scream out an accusation and/or cry , perhaps to be resolved later by a sensitive talk and a hug , perhaps not . even more confusing is a sub-plot featuring the late ed flanders as a widower who goes to work and a mcdonald's and befriends a troubled youth . it is a sad end to flanders' career , getting caught up in a truly annoying over-use of mcdonald's as a location , a plot device and , apparently , a major advertiser . even if bye bye love had decided to spend its time focusing exclusively on the parent-child relationships , it still would have been pretty difficult to pull off , because ultimately there is very little humor one can wring from family break-ups and their effects on children . any way you slice it , it is a bad situation for kids , and the makers of bye bye love mostly go for the heartstrings when dealing with the single parenting issue . it is left to the dads' romantic fumblings to probide what little humor there is , and it isn't enough . there have been comparisons between bye bye love and parenthood , but parenthood was both genuinely funny and genuinely touching . bye bye love is a genuine shame . according to the publicity material , with this movie the directors " hope to restore good old-fashioned bowling to its rightful place in the mainstream of american consciousness . " hmm . you never know , they just might be on to something . what with the rise of geek chic , lounge music and seventies fashion , the ever-contrary kids of the nineties might just latch on to bowling as another terminally unhip bastion of tackyana to claim as their own . but then , i doubt if kingpin will have anything to do with it . it's cheesy all right , but connoisseurs of bad taste will find this film exudes that bland smell of stale jokes rather than the invigorating stink of true kitsch . that's a shame , because , in the first ten minutes or so the film promises to be a lot more . woody harrelson plays the hotshot bowler on the rise , roy munson . the movie opens in the fifties with roy's dad dishing out the reader's digest/gumpian wisdom in scoopfuls , shifting to the 70s for a hilarious spoof of saturday night fever . the sardonic tone of the proceedings is much enhanced by the presence of bill murray , as the delectably slimy big ern mcracken . it's thanks to murray that the first quarter of kingpin seems so good - he gives the wry , derisive edge to this otherwise rather unfocused comedy . mccracken dupes munson into a hustling job , then abandons him to an angry mob who mangle roy's hand . then it's fast forward 17 years later when munson is a fat , balding loser with a prosthetic rubber hand . he's hopeless until he meets ishmael ( randy quaid ) , an amish amateur bowler that munson takes on as protege . so together they set out for the million dollar bowling tournament in reno , picking up pretty hustler claudia ( vanessa angel ) on the way . with the exit of bill murray , the filmmakers seem to have only one direction to go , and that's . . . dumb and dumber . yes , indeed , kingpin is brought to you by those modern proponents of laxative humour , peter and bobby farrelly , the directors of the aforementioned jim carrey vehicle . so , prepare for much slaparound comedy with flying rubber hands , distended nipples , ridiculous hair and bull semen . get set for stock fish-out-of-water situations when city-boy roy puts on a beard and tries to blend in with the amish community , or when suaku straitlaced ishmael takes on smoking , striptease and unchristian neighbour-socking . now , don't get me wrong , there's nothing wrong with cheap humour , and i had my fair share of lavatorial laughs with woody and randy . the trouble is that these jokes aren't bold or funny enough to drive a movie that bumbles along without much sense of direction . it lurches from sports movie to amish-mocking to road-trip to sentimental melodrama , ( pausing for a broadside spoof of indecent proposal , and many shameless plugs for the accompanying pop soundtrack ) , never quite getting it all together . some gags fall flat from a lack of build-up , while there are bits and pieces in the movie that simply don't do anything . why the long , unfunny fight in the car park ? why two of these ? why does that guy wear mascara , or that guy have a glass bowling ball with a rose in it ? the film is full of these half-thought-through ideas that give the impression of any old gaffer , grip or makeup artist throwing in random stuff and saying , " wouldn't that be funny ? " . well , no , actually . the actors don't do the movie much favours either . woody harrelson comes off okay , plausibly acting dumb , smart , cynical or innocent when the implausible script calls for it , but randy quaid is a ceaseless ham , and vanessa angel has no talent ( like schwarzenegger , she seems more convincing playing a computer-creation than a human -- take the tv series weird science . . . please ) . even murray hams it up when he reappears in the movie's climax . all in all , a fairly useless attempt at comedy , and a certified no-hoper at kickstarting the bowling renaissance . we'll have to look to a reinspired john waters , or perhaps somebody from down under ( " strictly bowling " , anyone ? ) for the definitive bowling comedy . the flying inkpot's rating system : * wait for the video . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . starring kiefer sutherland ; reese witherspoon & bokeem woodbine i used to think that the conversation was the worse film i had ever seen . freeway is giving me second thoughts . freeway is a modern retelling of little red riding hood . only in the nineties , little red riding hood is a foul-mouthed juvenile delinquent played by reese witherspoon , and the big bad wolf is a serial killer ( keifer sutherland ) . to top that pathetic premise off -- reese goes to visit granny and you'll never guess who's waiting under the cover's in granny's bed . keifer sutherland is one of hollywoods most talented , yet underrated actors , and reese witherspoon is exceptionally talented and will most likely become a major star . so what are they doing in this movie ? after seeing the end result , undoubtedly they are both asking themselves the same question . you might be asking yourself why this is such a short review . the answer is quite simple -- i dont want to waste any more of my time writing or thinking about this movie than absolutely necessary . i wasted enough of my time just sitting through it . note to keifer : you wonder why you aren't a bigger star in hollywood ? because you keep making movies like this . note to reese : you were great in fear , what happened this time ? note to both : don't worry about it too much , no one saw this movie anyway . bottom line -- i'm still shaking my head . don't waste your time on this turkey . if you want to see a great keifer sutherland movie , go rent flatliners or young guns . reese witherspoon's abundant acting talents are used to their full potential in fear , a great thriller . do yourself a favor and rent one of these movies -- but stay as far away from freeway as you possibly can . synopsis : in " sooner than you think " america , the future of law enforcement resides in blade squad , a ragtag group of culturally diverse rollerblading cops with jetpacks strapped on their backs . a dangerous criminal , however , attempts to destroy blade squad after his brother dies while being chased by them . comments : so , what do an ex-gangbanger turned insubordinate traffic cop , a former prostitute with a substance abuse problem , and a junkie turned dennis rodman wannabe turned cop who crashed four police cruisers all have in common ? why , they're all members of blade squad , an elite new crimefighting unit wearing black uniforms , rollerblades , and jetpacks ! they also carry video cameras so they can communicate with one another a la the marines in james cameron's aliens . yes , it's blade squad , the fox network's wednesday night movie of the week . this " movie , " marking its dubious world premiere today , curiously has a number of guest stars . " how can a movie have guest stars ? " you may ask . well , blade squad is not really a movie so to speak but a 2 hour pilot for a possible tv series packaged as a movie . blade squad is dumb . blade squad is loud . blade squad is obnoxious . blade squad will probably be a ratings hit and spawn a long-lived tv series . why not ? after all , television has given its audience crimefighters with talking cars ( " knight rider " ) , fast helicopters ( " airwolf " ) , and super fast motorcycles ( " street hawk " ) , and viewers have eaten it up in the past . so , why not crimefighters with jet-powered roller blades ? to be honest , as a made-for-tv presentation , blade squad is at least watchable . the film has a relatively large cast of characters , a surprisingly intelligible albeit predictable script , and enough action sequences to keep one half-interested . i'd imagine adolescent males , probably the target audience of this turkey , would get a kick out of it . i tried to keep that in mind when i watched blade squad . i can remember liking " airwolf " and " street hawk " when i was 10 or 11 . and , although this isn't saying much , blade squad is leaps and bounds better than the last fox network movie i had the displeasure of wasting time on : the insipidly awful generation x ( a huge disappointment considering the comic book's terrific two-year beginning ) . but , i digress . despite its limited appeal , blade squad has a lot of kinks to work out if the movie is to become a tv series . one , it suffers from mtv syndrome : a lot of quick shots and weird angles continuously jar the viewer's senses while a near nonstop generic rock soundtrack blares incessantly in the background . oh yeah , dylan's " knockin' on heaven's door " and bowie's " i'm afraid of americans " are used here , in rather poor taste . two , blade squad needs a new crew for the sound . the substandard sound editing irritated me to no end . characters' dialogue , at times , sounded choppy and unintelligible . during one important scene , a song played loudly in the background . when a character spoke , the song's volume dropped but did not disappear . as soon as that character finished speaking , the song's volume immediately returned to its original level until the next character spoke . this sounds trivial , i'm sure , but it distracted me immensely . finally , this is commercial television . foul language is not allowed , typically , on commercial television . thus , don't use foul language in a made-for-tv production because that foul language has to be censored in some manner . in an early scene of the film , for example , the lead good guy and bad guy have a minor confrontation in the streets . when the good guy spouts out a bad word , a driver conveniently honks his car's horn off-screen to muffle the word out . in a " seinfeld " episode , this technique proved funny ; here , it seemed goofy and cut the dramatic tension considerably . perhaps future writers , if a show is spun out of the movie , could take a cue from marvel comics' 2099 series of comics . make up a bunch of new bad words for the future . this way , you don't need a bunch of honking horns or other silly devices to cover up foul language . compared to the usual crap broadcast tv networks have to offer in terms of movies , blade squad is a suitable exercise in camp . when compared to , say , a movie studio film , blade squad has a lot in common with a term which shares its initials : bs . ( review written august 12 , 1998 ) what a contrast ! in the space of two days , i saw shakespeare in love and hurlyburly . i'm not sure you could get two more different movies . while the former was all over the top , telegraphing everything , shoving its philosophy of life down our throats , hurlyburly was the complete opposite , wound so tight and with so much buried in its script , one could spend weeks thinking about it . this is one interesting movie . it's very much in a similar vein to one of my favourite movies of '98 , in the company of men , although not quite so nasty . there's lots of talking and some scary insights into the world of men . hurlyburly doens't contain much plot : we just follow eddie ( sean penn ) around as he tries to make sense of his life and the people around him . his big question is : does it all pertain to him ? and if it does , how is he supposed to feel about it all ? " it " means everything : television , friends , events that happen . i guess it could be summed up more crudely as : what's it all about ? this is not a movie for answers . donna ( anna paquin ) gives some but they're not really satisfying : they just lead to more questions . that's what makes this movie stay on your mind . these are the sorts of questions that occupy our time . even when we push them to the background , however we resolve these questions influences everything we do . the performances are all superb in hurlyburly . i haven't seen sean penn in much before ( in fact , i can't remember seeing him in anything ) , but he is brilliant in this . eddie isn't a likeable character , but sean penn makes him understandable . i don't want to be his friend but i'd like to help him . chazz palminteri is also great as phil , making him an awful person . i'd never want to know phil but still i understand why eddie wants to be his friend . everyone in this film nails their performances , making this world real . it's a nasty world ; it's a sexist world . unlike shakespeare in love which is unfailingly politically correct , hurlyburly is a man's world , seen unapologetically through the eyes of men . i find this fascinating and on two counts , depressing . first , it's depressing that such a world exists . a large part of hurlyburly's success is that it convinces me that such people are real and that this sort of environment exists every day in hollywood ; that there are a large number of men out there who believe women to be completely peripheral to their world , toys , playthings . sure , everyone is background to everyone else but in this world , women are a long way in the background . second , these are the movies that are being made : stories about men's world . where are the stories about women's world ? not the soap operas and the " chick flicks " that are meant to satisfy women , but the real stories that touch on the essence of life like hurlyburly does for men . hurlyburly is based on a stage play and that is evident from the moment the film starts . it's very talkative , intelligent and static . while this can make the film drag a bit , and people sometimes sound like they're quoting textbooks , mostly this is a good thing . not all films have to be filled with special effects and sweeping panoramas . not all films have to underestimate the intelligence of their audience . all it means is that hurlyburly is probably just as effective on video as it is on the large screen . it also means that you have to pay attention . capsule : the running gag pair of characters from all of kevin smith's films gets their own movie . the gags are sporadically funny . it is more than occasionally funny for teens who are fond of scatological humor and anti-gay jokes . the plot is weak and the leads are not a particularly funny comic team . the little inside jokes and digs at other entertainment and particularly at kevin smith films are the best features of the film . sadly for me they were just not funny enough to make the film worth watching . this feels like the high school skit that that the principal would not let the kids do on talent night . ( and it turns out he had very good reasons . ) , low 0 ( -4 to +4 ) a film needs a plot . it needs characters for empathy value . it needs a story and an emotional center . if a film is just a chain of jokes it can only be so good and any entertainment value will succeed or fail based on how funny the jokes are . kevin smith has now made two satisfying films , clerks and chasing amy . with dogma he tried to make a philosophical religious comedy and mixed with a madcap romp . peter cook and dudley moore did that very successfully with their bedazzled . but getting the combination to work is very hard to do right and kevin smith's fecal monsters in dogma were not the way to do it . his remaining two films , mallrats and his new jay and silent bob strike back are aimed squarely at a teenage audience . jay and silent bob strike back is a compendium of gay jokes , penis jokes , flatulence jokes , film pastiches , and in-jokes . how funny the jokes are will be a subjective call . for me , the vast majority of the jokes were just not very funny . there was not enough cleverness or variety . it is funny at most once or twice to accuse someone of being gay . penis jokes work only so many times . showing up as minor characters in every kevin smith film jay and silent bob were a clever pair of human running gags . they were sort of the modern equivalents of naunton wayne and basil radford , the comic duo who showed up satirizing the english middle class in several good british post-war films including dead of night , the lady vanishes , and passport to pimlico . jay and silent bob were originally supposedly typical generation x stoners . as the series wore on they had larger and larger parts . in jay and silent bob strike back they are the leads . jay and silent bob ( played by jason mewes and kevin smith ) are chased away from the front of the convenience store where they were dealing drugs in clerks . this leaves them at loose ends . they are not sure what would be worthwhile to do with their lives when they hear that a comic book with characters visually modeled on them will be adapted into a movie . they decide to devote their lives to wrecking the movie or getting some of that big movie industry cash . so it is off to hollywood to shake down the movie company and having adventures along the way . the film is mostly about their adventures on the road and when they get to hollywood the problem with this comedy team is that neither really pulls his weight to make the film funny . silent bob , being silent , can only contribute to the comedy by reacting with that very expressive face of his . this makes his piece of the comedy even less than a straight man like a dean martin or bud abbott would have . jay has to be the comic . he could carry the load for both if he were extremely inventive . the problem is that he is not sufficiently funny . he is too bland to be the comic half and his lines just do not show any comic flair . so jay and silent bob are a long way from being a successful comic team . their starring roles and the low humor make this a comedy for those young at mind and for people who can laugh at gags they have seen before--sometimes just minutes before . like dogma before it , but definitely not like chasing amy , this film feels more like an amateurish skit than a real movie . certainly neither the plot nor the characters are at all involving . they are excuses for gags , many of which still fall flat . it is dogma without any of the humorous theological content . the film does not offer much to an adult audience . i rate it 4 on the 0 to 10 scale and a low 0 on the -4 to +4 scale . the previews for the movie are pretty good . they show a little plot , all the characters , and the emotional highlights , all spliced together to give a general impression of the script . unfortunately , the full movie adds nothing but 115 minutes . the residents of mystery love hockey . mystery and hockey go together like texas and high school football . the townsfolk love hockey so much that they even acquit a player who's guilty of shooting another man ( yes , that's one of the movie's jokes . ) every saturday , the best players pair off for a game , and the whole town comes to watch . the town's prodigal son charlie ( hank azaria ) wrote an article on the weekly game for sports illustrated . mystery's national fame has the town abuzz . a week later , charlie actually shows up in person , and he brings with him an offer from the nhl . the new york rangers will come to mystery to play the locals . the mysterians see this as both good and bad . on the one hand , they'd love to have the fame and the money of such an exhibition . on the other hand , they don't want to turn up as the butt of leno and letterman jokes . the movie follows a handful of lives that are affected by the proposition . biebe ( russell crowe ) has just been retired from the team and is asked to coach the boys , including his new replacement . he's already resentful , and to top it off charlie has been making eyes at his wife . crowe is not given a lot of room to act in this film , so he's just kind of stuck with constantly brooding . charlie , meanwhile , is resentful of having born in a town where hockey is the only measure of a man's worth . his " gift " of the feature story , and of the new york rangers , was his way of compensating for not being a better skater . he hoped it would earn him some respect and merit , but the townspeople find reasons to continue disliking him . burt reynolds could have been interesting as walter , the judge whose courtroom was befouled by a moronic jury of hockey fans . walter actually has some experience with collegiate hockey , but he actively tries to put it behind him . he wants his son to take the game more seriously , but he wants his community to just get over it . reynolds could have been good , but sloppy writing and/or editing keep walter in the corner , and so reynolds never really gets to pull his performance all together . one character actually was interesting . biebe's wife ( mary mccormack ) , like the judge , understood that there was more to life than hockey . but unlike him she has come to accept the skewed view of the community . she chose the town and her husband with her eyes wide open . her unique insight is verbalized once , and it lasts only a scene before it is gone , but her performance carries the hint of some deeper wisdom . mysterty , alaska follows a handful of other characters , but none are well developed or worth mentioning . the biggest problem with this movie is that there is no real heart to the story , no underlying thing that the movie is really about . instead , roach and screenwriters david e . kelley and sean o'byrne try to cram the entire human condition into this sports comedy . they try to make you laugh and cry , to feel outrage and pride . they present the framing and cadence for jokes , but there's nothing truly funny . they show appropriately staged scenes of sadness , but they give you nothing to be really sad about . as columnist molly ivins would say , it's all hat , no cattle . the perfect opportunity arises for roach to say what this movie is really about . there is a funeral scene , played with appropriate gravity and somber music . it is a chance for the characters to reflect on their lives and decide what's truly important . russell crowe steps forward to speak , about to spell out the movie's metaphor for us . he says that what really matters in life is " community . . . . " then adds " and hockey . " i guess these mysterians really are as shallow as they appear . only mildly bad , mystery , alaska probably deserves 2 stars . i even laughed out loud , genuine laughs in places . but i docked it an extra half star when mike myers , a friend of roach , turned up in a role that didn't suit him . myers is a comic character actor . he puts on masks , becomes an outrageous caricature , and is funny . he's great as austin powers , dr . evil , or any of his scottish characters . nobody else in mysterty , alaska is a comic caricature . all the other people have the feel of dramatic characters in semi-serious roles . for roach to bring in myers for a few cheap laughs shows incredible contempt toward the rest of his cast , toward his audience , and indeed toward the film itself . it's an acknowledgment by the director that the film is not worth taking seriously . a suave , cool , collected , rich , uptight bad guy = cliche . a clumsy criminal oaf to add to the laughs = cliche . a bad guy who owns a wild animal = cliche . a crooked , chauvinistic law enforcer type = cliche . at an intense moment , our main character tries to get away , but the car has trouble starting = cliche . complaining about cliches = cliche . ok , ok . so we always hear about cliches . but if there was ever to be a prime example , the real mccoy is it ! not one uttered word , not one frame of film , not one character in this whole movie isn't a cut and paste example of everything we've ever seen . they might as well use this as a training film : " how to make a bank robbery film in the 90's " . karen mccoy ( kim basinger ) is a bank robber who just got out on parole after a six-year stay at the state prison . she wants to make things right and go straight , especially with the fact that she has a six-year old son out there who doesn't even know she's alive . aware of mccoy's bank robbing expertise , sniveling bad guy jack schmidt ( terence stamp ) uses the same six-year old to coerce mccoy into returning to her past . he wants mccoy to pull off an elaborate heist of 18+ million dollars at the same bank she got caught trying to rob six years earlier , which , by the way , is somehow due to schmidt . and if she refuses ? who knows what he'll do to the kid . ( cue sinister laughter ) this movie is so pathetically pitiful that it's hard to know where to begin . the aforementioned cliches are brutally abundant . i can't stress enough how every single element , whether it be a character , the dialogue , a plot " twist " , etc . , is so damn generic that you'll wonder if * anyone * is working behind the scenes , let alone in front of the camera . basinger is absolutely vacant . and where do they get off trying to make us emotionally attached to her ? here's someone that spent their time robbing banks , and now as she heads onto the street , we're supposed to feel sorry for her . as she confronts her son , who doesn't even know who she is , are we supposed to break into tears ? ? especially when neither basinger nor zach english , who plays the kid , has any depth or emotional-radiance whatsoever . i suppose i should mention val kilmer . yeah , that's right - he's in it ! quite sadly too , seeing as how i can discuss everything about the movie and never mention his name . and he got second billing ! to be fair , i will admit that kilmer had potential in his role as the bumbling criminal wannabe j . t . barker . unfortunately the script doesn't allow much room for improvement , and when his character is used like bookends ( he never shows up in the middle of the film ! ) , we have no time to appreciate what he might have brought to this project . the real mccoy just can't keep it's head above water , and soon , * very * soon , sinks into a cliched mess of movie . the actors are like dummies being moved about by an unenthusiastic puppeteer , and the dialogue , particularly schmidt's trite dialogue , falls like the niagra . this is definitely one to avoid , folks . the real mccoy is anything but ! ironically , one of the themes of 200 cigarettes is that you should try to make the best of every moment in life . unfortunately i will no longer be able to say that i lived every moment of my life to the fullest , because i spent 95 otherwise perfectly good minutes , watching this sad excuse for a movie . actually smoking 200 cigarettes in the same 95 minutes couldn't be any worse for you than it is to watch the movie . not only is it a pathetically bad film overall , but 200 cigarettes actually has no redeeming qualities whatsoever . the plot is scattered , thin and predictable ; the acting is monumentally bad ; and the style of film making resembles a home video . it is december 31 , 1981 and the big party is at monica's ( martha plimpton ) house . but no one has arrived yet . her 8 invited guests and several people that they have picked throughout the evening are wandering the streets of new york city in various groups . some of them know each other through their common bond of having slept with monica , and some are total strangers . but they all are to face their own personal neuroses before night's end . those who are invited are the ones that have the issues . it is up to those who aren't to help them come to terms . first there is eric ( brian mccardie ) who is a former boyfriend of monica's and is just getting over the heartbreak of their relationship terminating prematurely because of his sexual performance , or lack thereof . he is one of the most bland characters , in a film full of dullness , because he is so utterly predictable and stereotypical , a common trait of this poor production . bridget ( nicole parker ) and caitlyn ( angela featherstone ) who are both extremely sensuous young women looking for someone to handle their desires on new year's eve and tag along to the party with them . they stumble across a nameless bartender ( ben affleck ) who is the one truly perfect character in a film of imperfections . he is nether sexually deprived , nor uncertain about his future , as he is in law school . his lack of flaws is both boring , unrealistic and painful to watch . as bridget and caitlyn make passes at him you are neither entertained nor humored by the sub-standard comedy . moving on , there is val ( christina ricci ) and stephie , ( gabby hoffman ) 2 teenage girls with fake identification and very different thoughts . val is monica's cousin and a true fan of the new york scene . on the other hand , stephie is convinced that she is vulnerable to crime when the two venture out of their usual locations in search of the party that they just can't find . paradoxically , it is 2 punks that they meet at a bar ( actually they attempt to flee from their presence , but aren't successful ) who guide them through their fears and force a level of relaxation upon their warped minds . of all the insanely dull and uninteresting couples , only one approaches a level of decency in both acting and plot . wisely , the movie's creators have put heavy emphasis on lucy ( courtney love ) and kevin ( paul rudd ) who are best friends and share the common bond of being dateless . paul has just broken up with long time steady ellie ( janeane garofalo ) and is starting to come to terms with his loss when lucy informs him that ellie had been sleeping around during their relationship . however , the only complexity to these two characters is that they seem to want to be more than friends , and that is reiterated when they attempt sexual intercourse in a bathroom stall on more than one occasion during this strange evening . finally , there are the two worst performances and worst sub-plot of the film . jack ( jay mohr ) and cindy ( kate hudson ) have been going out for a short period of time and jack just learned that he took cindy's virginity the night before . while she attempts to play this down and be her usual self , he is a predictably self loathing male as he attempts to deal with a string of one night stands that includes the recently deflowered cindy . very often , when a film is as putrid as this production , there will at least be a decent quality of film making to reveal an occasional moment of glory . however , this film has neither the quality of cinematography nor the moments of glory to be highlighted . instead , what you get is a collection of rough and inconsistent cuts , bad continuity and inaccuracies . first , and most noticeable is that as the film goes from one subplot to another , there is no apparent order that it follows , and it is also weekened by unnecessarily edgy edits from scene to scene and shot to shot . at other times , objects seem to get up and move and hairstyles and costumes change from shot to shot . there are also at least 4 scenes in a taxi cab that go from start to finish . not in a single one of them does anybody pay the driver . and yet , no matter how miserable this film may be , and no matter how poor the acting is all around , there was a ray of a hope for these many bad plots . perhaps , if the makers had just decided to concentrate on one or two or , perhaps , even three , there might have been the time and opportunity for some character development , or quality acting , or even a decent plot payoff at the end . but it didn't happen that way . the cast of quality name actors was forced into roles that not even one of them could convert into a mediocre performance , and every story line crashed and burned quicker than it takes for the ball to drop at midnight . 1990s would remembered as the era of binary movie events in hollywood - two movies dealing with the same subject , or , to be precise , same " high concept " . in summer 1994 , that " high concept " was " mad bomber action thriller " . in few weeks , " thrillride of the summer " actionfest speed was followed by rather action thriller blown away , so disappointing that most of the people these days associate the title with the 1992 thriller in which nicole eggert did few nude scenes . the movie begins in the prison in northern ireland , where gaerity ( tommy lee jones ) , ira terrorist with the great talent to make lethal explosive devices from almost any material , escapes from prison . he comes to boston , where he accidentally notices jimmy dove ( jeff bridges ) , dedicated bomb disposal expert within boston police . few people except gaerity know the dove's violent past , when he used to be ira terrorist before becoming sick with violence , betraying gaerity and emigrating to america where he changed the name and started using his experience for good purpose . gaerity holds dove personally responsible for his captivity and begins the campaign of bombing terror , directed specifically at dove's colleagues , friends and relatives . dove , who is just going to retire and start family , now must confront the mad bomber . while speed doesn't even try to bother with plot and characters , using them only as an excuse for long and spectacular action scenes , blown away tries to be more conventional and provide the action with some back story . and that is the main reason why it is inferior to speed . badly written plot and badly written characters are sometimes worse than no plot and no characters at all . screenplay by john bateer and john rice , barely touches the complicated issues of northern ireland , using the tragedy only as the cheap backstory for even cheaper drama . the plot is , of course , full of implausibilities . the main one is the fact that movie fails to explain how the single individual , no matter how brilliant he is , can produce thousands of deadly devices and hold entire city at bay . those questions , same as in the case of speed , could be forgotten while the action goes on , but the pauses between action scenes are filled with cliched and predictable situation that should provide some background to the characters . because of them , movie seems a little bit too long , and boring at times . the most annoying element of the film , however , is tommy lee jones in the role of mad bomber . his acting is so over-the-top that potentially fascinating villain turns into pathetic caricature of himself . this role is in painful contrast with the strong performance given by that same actor in fugitive . the film have few bright points , though . some of the action scenes are fine , which should be credited to director stephen hopkins ( predator ii , judgement night ) . and forrest whitaker really shines in minor role of dove's colleague . but , all in all , blown away is a film that was justifiably shadowed by its more famous , yet hardly unforgettable competitor . don't get me wrong -- i tend to appreciate besson's naive , unashamedly romantic worldview , an artsy european sensibility gone thoroughly hollywood . his 1994 leon is exciting and absurdly moving , thanks mainly to the interplay between jean reno and a young natalie portman , and 1997's the fifth element is a goofy paean to love , l-u-v , that's even more of a hoot on repeated viewings . but his joan of arc is a mess , despite some stirring battle scenes and the mostly knockout presence of a close-cropped milla jovovich as the maiden herself . jovovich , besson's own personal muse through the making of his last two films ( though they've since separated ) , is magnetic and energetic enough to play a credible joan ( as long as you believe joan was not just a warrior , but also a fabulous , supermodel-level babe ) . and besson remains a servicable action film director , though not an especially facile one . leading her army against the seemingly impenetrable fortresses of the english , joan's struggle against great odds is undeniably stirring , and besson helps you understand how the french could believe , fervently , that god is on her side . besson's big mistake , i think , is trying to dramatize the interior life of his subject . yes , joan had visions -- but i guarantee that whatever image a sympathetic audience conjures in its collective mind will be more compelling than the blue-eyed christ figure on display in besson's hallucinatory dream sequences . the whole conceit turns into a disaster right about the time dustin hoffman ( billed as " the conscience " ) shows up , spouting platitudes and sending poor milla running around her cell , babbling like ally mcbeal . that's kind of a shame , since she does quite well up to that point , charging into battle with a banshee wail that suggests the eruption of a sublimated bloodthirstiness . that darkly attractive aspect of her character -- that she's as likely a charismatic madwoman as the vessel of the lord -- is more or less betrayed by the final reels , in which the conscience browbeats her over the killing she's overseen and joan starts to look like little more than a very confused young lady who's about to take a fall . as the story winds down , with joan condemned to a horrible death by fire , besson is aiming for tragedy and psychological significance . trouble is , he's chosen a lurid , often jokey tone for the balance of the picture -- including some blithe cgi bloodshed in the battle scenes -- and it's impossible to shake the feeling that this particular vision of the middle ages is , to a great extent , nothing more than a put-on . this glib , pre-fab version of such a great story makes me all the more grateful for dreyer's the passion of joan of arc ( 1928 ) , a film whose dialogue is drawn from the actual transcripts of joan's trial , and which stands as one of the most harrowing experiences in all of cinema . compared to that film , the messenger plays as a crime against history . -------------------------------------------------------------- directed by luc besson written by besson and andrew birkin cinematography by thierry arbogast music by eric serra starring milla jovovich france/usa , 1999 theatrical aspect ratio : 2 . 35 : 1 -------------------------------------------------------------- delicatessen ( directors : marc caro/jean-pierre jeunet ; screenwriters : gilles adrien/marc caro ; cinematographer : darius khondji ; editor : herve schneid ; cast : dominique pinon ( louison ) , marie-laure dougnac ( julie clapet ) , jean-claude dreyfus ( clapet-the butcher ) , karin viard ( mademoiselle plusse ) , ticky holgado ( marcel tapioca ) , anne-marie pisani ( madame tapioca ) , jacques mathou ( roger ) , rufus ( robert kube ) , howard vernon ( frog man ) , edith ker ( granny ) , boban janevski ( young rascal ) , mikael todde ( young rascal ) , chick ortega ( postman ) , silvie laguna ( aurore interligator ) , howard vernon ( frog man ) ; runtime : 96 ; miramax/constellation/ugc/hatchette premiere ; 1991-france ) reviewed by dennis schwartz a black comedy set in the near future in a boarding house run by a depraved butcher . the comedy is played more in comic strip style for entertaining value than for deeper satire , as it features mostly zany sophomoric sight gags and relies heavily on special effects . the world has fallen on hard times and there are food shortages which include no meat , so the butcher serves up meat from human flesh to customers who pay with grain , almost as valued a commodity . that's the big joke in the film and the novelty of that cannibalism idea wears thin mighty fast , as the characters are too absurd and sketched too thinly for us to care about them . this tasteless postapocalyptic french comedy is a first feature for the co-directors marc caro/jean-pierre jeunet . it failed to reach my funny bone and instead left me mostly annoyed at its slight story and its dark projections for the future . an ex-circus clown named louison ( dominique pinon ) , the film's too-good-to-be-true hero , answers an ad for work as a handyman for clapet ( jean-claude dreyfus ) , and the butcher and landlord , offers him room and board in his house . the butcher's clumsy and near-sighted daughter julie ( marie-laure dougnac ) falls in love with the skinny , weird looking clown , and the two make some music together , with her playing the cello and him a saw . they are the innocents , surrounded by a boarding house of misfits suffering from fear and watched over by her overbearing father , who has lured into his tenement the clown , as he has his past innocent victims , so that he can put his cleaver to him and then sell him as meat , which he intends to do as soon as the clown fixes up the tenement . the entire film takes place in the shabby tenement , and the tenants are an odd lot of bizarre malcontents , who do not trust each other . there are two youngsters ( boban janevski & mikael todde ) who do any kind of mischief they can . a frog man ( howard vernon ) who lives with water on the floor so he can raise his frogs and snails that he eats . two brothers ( mathou & kube ) who create little cow-moo novelty toys . a man ( holgado ) who sells a bullshit detector to the butcher for his piece of meat . a slutty woman ( karin viard ) , who lives with the butcher and only wants his meat . the aristocratic woman ( silvie laguna ) who tries numerous times to commit suicide but is too inept to do it right . the tenants are too afraid to come out at night because they know what the butcher is up to , so they are forced to communicate with each other through a pipe that runs through the building ( in one scene they are all in musical harmony to the lovemaking of the butcher and his gal , as their bedsprings squeak ) . there is also a sex-crazed postman ( chick ortega ) , who lusts for the butcher's daughter and carries a gun while delivering the mail . there is also an underdeveloped subplot about a band of incompetent underground veggie fanatics , called trogolodistes , who have been summoned to rescue the clown and steal some grain . the directors overloaded the film with too many eccentrics , as the comedy seemed forced while the surreal look of the film added no dramatic intensity . delicatessen could have some appeal to the cult film crowd who like their meat sliced thin , monty python fans , and those who liked terry gilliam's brazil , a film similar in spirit . it's a shame the execution of this concept falls very short of its premise . the movie is lacking and most unsatisfying . osmosis jones is crude , gross , disgusting , and was directed by the farrelly brothers - the twisted siblings behind there's something about mary , me , myself and irene and a couple of other movies in which the humor is mostly targeted below the belt . not that there's anything wrong with scatology . i bet even cavemen appreciated bathroom humor - such as it was . it's merely that with osmosis jones , the farrellys humor is too juvenile , too predictable . you can almost foresee the puns just by viewing the part of the inner anatomy a sequence is drawn . osmosis jones looks like one of those old health class movies gone psycho . the trouble is , the animation may please the very young , but the jokes may be over their heads , while the teen-age audience may find it too tame for their tastes . adults ? well , let's just say most will find it unappetizing . osmosis jones plays like a 100-minute infomercial for the eat healthy foods lobby . the live action sequences revolve around frank ( bill murray ) , who seems to be the grungiest human being in the universe . he continually looks as if he needs a shave and a shower . frank , much to the consternation of his daughter , is a fast-food addict , eating anything - and everything - that can kill you . he works at a zoo where the animals look cleaner - and presumably smell better - than he does . frank's body is invaded by thrax , a lethal virus , after frank eats a hard-boiled egg that had fallen to the ground . it's not gross enough that frank picks the egg up from the dirt and plops it into his mouth . nope , the farrellys pile it on by first having frank wrestle a chimp for the egg , wresting it from the primate's mouth . like i said , the gross meter tips the scales on this one . after ingesting the egg , the movie begins its animated sequences . here , osmosis jones ( voiced by chris rock ) , a renegade white blood cell is teamed with drix ( voiced by frasier's david hyde pierce ) , a 12-hour , painkiller cold capsule to battle thrax ( smoothly voiced by laurence fishburne ) . basically , what we have is a cliched cop-buddy movie , rife with all the clich ? s of that genre . and this is why osmosis jones doesn't click . it merely falls back on tired , familiar conventions instead of creating new and exciting situations . the jokes and puns are lame : osmosis searches out a snitch , a former flu virus . after pumping him for information , drix tells osmosis , " funny , he doesn't look fluish . " and the jokes don't rise above that level . the live action scenes are no better . frank is such a slob , so unappealing that it is difficult to fathom how he ever married or even sired a child . he's almost a bigger cartoon than the animated characters . osmosis jones is a movie that may be too violent for young children as thrax burns and dissolves blood cells right and left . the animation is rather two-dimensional and flat . it lacks scope and depth . it is an unappealing movie that will leave you scratching your head , and maybe leaning toward a shower after you walk out of the theater . has hollywood run out of interesting characters and plot-driven suspense thrillers that we must spend two hours watching will smith and a gritty gene hackman exchange obtuse dialogue and run around dodging fireballs ? in enemy of the state , that is exactly right . a few parts the net , and a few parts conspiracy theory , enemy is about as exciting as watching smith talk to cgi aliens in 1997's lame brained men in black . will this guy ever get a real role ? he has the bruce willis syndrome . the plot is bascially smith , playing a lawyer , getting into hot water with some high government murderers , who assassinated a powerful political figure earlier in the movie , when a tape of the killing gets into his hands . he inlists the help of an old conspirator ( hackman ) , and , at the end , er . . . you know . enemy was one of the worst films of last year . not only was it sloppy in telling its story and getting its facts straight , the acting was mediocre when it should have been energy driven , and i didn't like how smith always magically out-smarted the badies when all the other extra characters , seeming more intelligent than smith , somehow got run over by a truck . enemy came out around the same time as the superior star trek : insurrection . i know these two films are different in , well , everything , but the fact that enemy outgrossed insurrection just baffels me . somehow , quality can't overshadow quantity . vegas vacation is the fourth film starring chevy chase and beverly d'angelo as the heads of the hapless griswold family . as with the other three films , their two children , rusty and audrey , are played by a revolving series of actors . this time ethan embry and marisol nichols fill the roles . also back , is cousin eddie ( randy quaid ) , the slob relative who seems to bring problems wherever he goes . in vegas vacation clark griswold ( chase ) decides to take the family on vacation to las vegas so that he and wife ellen ( d'angelo ) can renew their wedding vows . it is at this point when comedy is supposed to ensue . apparently the filmmakers thought that putting the griswolds into las vegas would be so funny on its own that they wouldn't bother to write any jokes into the script . at least that's the way it looks when watching this turkey . about half way through vegas vacation i began to have serious doubts as to whether there would actually be a single laugh in the entire film , since there had been none up to that point . by the end of the movie i had actually snickered a couple of times , and i had smiled at a couple of gags . i might add that none of the funny ( and i use the term loosely ) moments came as a result of anything chase , d'angelo or quaid were involved in . they might as well have stayed home for as much as they contributed to this film . the two best things in this movie were ethan embry and marisol nichols as the griswold kids , who manage to have a couple of their own adventures . rusty becomes a vegas high roller , providing most of the film's best moments . every time chase and quaid were involved in a gag , it just made it more and more apparent that they should have stopped this series after the third film . which brings me to the best moment of the film . the griswolds are driving down the highway and holiday road ( the theme from the original vacation ) begins to play . christie brinkley and her red ferrari ( also from the first movie ) drive by . it was a cute moment , but all it really did was remind me just how funny the first film had been , and just how far that this series has fallen . too bad . burnt money is the perfect festival film . it will show once or twice , and then no one , thankfully , will ever have to hear from it again . this film from the seattle international film festival 2001's emerging masters series is easily one of the year's worst . billed as a gay `bonnie and clyde' , this gritty film from director marcelo pi ? eyro has its only highlight in a well-designed title sequence . two gay lovers get involved in a bank robbery that makes a gang leader , whose plan they screwed up , angry . this causes the gang leader to send his boys out to get the gay guys , one of whom may not actually be gay . hiding out in a prostitute's apartment , the two men must fight off police and gang members in a very long showdown for the movie's conclusion . if caught , they risk losing all the money , and their love . as an added emotional bonus , one of the gay men is dying . or something like that . everything that happens is so quick and confusing i was completely lost . clarity isn't exactly this movie's striving virtue , so it was a little hard to pick up . not much could have really happened though . the main events in this long two-hour film are explicit homosexual and heterosexual sex , graphic drug use , extreme violence , and strong language . lots of explicit material is never a bad thing when there's a reason , but there's no purpose to anything in this film . most of the sex and violence scenes come off as silly , while the heavy drug use comes off as ridiculous and depressing . it appears pi ? eyro ( who co-wrote with marcelo figueras , from a novel by ricardo piglia ) purposefully adds more blood and lovemaking for his own amusement . he makes the actors as sweaty and dirty as possible , makes them snort cocaine , gives them guns and condoms , and lets them go . burnt money is pointless . the performances are bad . it tries to thrill and shock , but only causes boredom . god forbid it will ever get a distributor . another disappointing film from this year's so-called emerging masters series . pass on by . claire danes , giovanni ribisi , and omar epps make a likable trio of protagonists , but they're just about the only palatable element of the mod squad , a lame-brained big-screen version of the 70s tv show . the story has all the originality of a block of wood ( well , it would if you could decipher it ) , the characters are all blank slates , and scott silver's perfunctory action sequences are as cliched as they come . by sheer force of talent , the three actors wring marginal enjoyment from the proceedings whenever they're on screen , but the mod squad is just a second-rate action picture with a first-rate cast . the haunting , a film so confusing that it forgets the true meaning of a horror film : to scare us . if you've ever seen a movie , which you probably have considering you are on this website , you should know about all of the trivia they post before a movie . they have things like illustrations and you have to guess the movie or facts about the film . but , the one i always like are the " ; other name" ; joke that try and rename a particular film . for instance , the one playing before the haunting had different titles for the film , small soldiers . they had titles like little infantry and can i get those fatigues in a smaller size ? well , after seeing the haunting , i had a few particular names for it as well . unfortunately , i can only post one of them , otherwise , i'd be getting some pretty angry e-mails from overprotective mothers . that title would be the confusing . ok , that is a pretty bad title , but it fits this film perfectly . it basically serves up no purpose , and combined with dry dialogue and a boring and confusing plot , it completes the formula for a cinematic bomb . liam neeson once again gets wrapped up in a film without any depth , but at least the phantom menace was exciting and had some depth . the haunting is nothing but trash , but unfortunately , will still make a boatload of money . before i rant and rave about how bad this film is , let me point out the few , and i stress the word few , bright spots in this film . first , the house is great- looking . it looks beautiful , but this is also a dark spot . it looks so great that it is hard to be frightened by it . this is something that rears its ugly head at all points of the film . things look so great , that you are looking on in awe instead of being scared straight . haunted house films have to contain one element to even be slightly successful and that is being eerie . the hill house is not eerie . it is beautiful , but not the least bit frightening . ever heard of lili taylor ? before this film i did not , but i am glad that i do now . she gives the only satisfactory performance in the film . despite the dry dialogue and boring/confusing concept , she manages to light up the screen every time she appears , but unfortunately , her co-stars are usually following right behind . owen wilson , who plays luke , is the only other cast member even close to giving an admirable performance , other then taylor . he is basically there for the comic relief , and his character development is poor in all other areas . all of the characters are desperately underdeveloped . wilson had potential as luke , but it seems they just needed him to add a few laughs . liam neeson and catherine zeta-jones suffer from the dialogue and plot and should not have been in this film . their characters must suffer from wicked mood swings because in each scene they turn from ruthless to compassionate to scared to brave and whatnot . they just are not believable and this is the final nail in the haunting's coffin . the plot is terrible . the opening scene of the film is very important , but the director makes it too obvious by getting close-ups of all the things that will play a major role in the end of the film . as i sat through the film , i kept wondering what this film was trying to accomplish . nell , lili taylor's character , goes from the hunted to the savior . it makes no sense and the director gives the audience no reasoning for the ridiculous changes that take place in the film . he forces the viewer to make various assumptions and does not give any in-depth information . for instance , the beginning of the film gives us a sense of why nell is getting involved in the program . but , we get zilch for the other four . plus , two of them get wiped out in the first ten minutes . and the worst part : most horror films have killings . for some reason , they kill off luke at the end of the film . no reason whatsoever , just off with his head , literally . overall , the haunting is the epitome of a bad movie . bad plot , confusing storyline and a waste of good talent . hopefully , liam neeson can rebound and get into a good film and be used to his full potential . hopefully , lili taylor will be recognized for doing such a great job in such a bad film . and hopefully , other horror films , such as the blair witch project and the haunting of hill house , will not be as bad as this one . in 1989 , director edward zwick began his career with the powerful civil war drama , " glory , " but since then , he has made continuous disappointments , to me at least , with 1994's " legends of the fall , " and 1996's " courage under fire . " those two films weren't bad , just not very good , but with zwick's latest film , " the siege , " he has finally made one . " the siege , " is a modern-day action-thriller that focuses on terrorism that is sweeping through new york city . investigating the matter is fbi agents anthony hubbard ( denzel washington ) and frank haddad ( tony shalhoub ) , who are first hit by the ordeal when a city bus explodes with several innocent people on it . later , a bomb goes off in a broadway theater , killing even more . they soon meet cia operative elise kraft ( annette bening ) , who may very well hold the key to the identity of the arab terrorist . there are some movies that simply don't need to be made , and , " the siege " may very well be one of them . oh , sure , zwick thinks he is making a " meaningful " action film , since he has added lots of exposition scenes in which the audience is basically lectured on the horrors of terrorism , but what he really has made is actually no more substantial than , say , " die hard , " which also starred bruce willis . this time , willis is horribly wasted as a general of the u . s . army , who puts a state of martial law over nyc during the climax . whatever points , " the siege , " earnestly tried to make , were obviously lost in the translation from page to screen , or maybe , zwick never really had anything serious to say in the first place . the role of the arab community is offensively stereotypical , just as women were in the recent , " john caprenter's vampires , " by placing them all in the category of " bad guys . " " the siege , " contains three fine actors---washington , bening , and shalhoub---but washington is stuck with a character that contains not an ounce of even remote development . bening has slightly more to do , and has an intriguing character to work with , while shalhoub pretty much steals the show , even though , again , he has no real character . by the climax of , " the siege , " with washington giving a sermon to willis on the so-called " message " of the story , i felt like i had wandered into a sequel to , " on deadly ground , " in which steven seagal gave a 10-minute speech at the end about preserving the environment . " the siege " is constantly heavy-handed , not entertaining or insightful , and just goes to prove that not even the best actors can save a film that lacks a satisfactory screenplay . i guess that if a very wild bachelor party had gone really bad , there would be broken furniture , traces of smack and cocaine on the floor , and a dead prostitute in the bathroom . i guess that if a movie had also gone really bad , there might be the same elements present . coincidence ? poor kyle ( a meek looking jon favreau ) . . . he is about to marry his radiant fiancee , laura ( cameron diaz ) . but before he exchanges his vows , he embarks to las vegas with his friends for one last blowout . but this bachelor party has gone about as bad as it could possibly get . the prostitute has met a horrible , though accidental death , and drugs are everywhere . the five friends agree that there is enough bad evidence here that will send them to jail for a very long time . a surprisingly calm robert boyd ( christian slater ) , who looks like he was groomed to make nefarious decisions , ponders their dilemma for a few minutes before deciding that the best thing to do is to bury the body in the desert where she'll never be found . although they stomach the gruesome deed of getting rid of the body ( which also disturbingly involves dismantling the body using power saws in order to stuff it into suitcases ) , when they return from their trip , guilt and paranoia begins to set in which slowly consumes some of the five friends . one is adam ( daniel stern ) he grows increasingly agitated . whenever people look at his van or whenever a cop glances his way , his blood pressure increases . or that just may be because of his dysfunctional family . another is michael , who was actually responsible for her death . he tries to bury his feelings , but the burden of guilt begins to affect his judgment as well . boyd is the ? doer' of the group . seemingly suffering from a long psychosis , when he feels as if his secret is about to be exposed , he is apt to take extreme measures to cover up his tracks . kyle just hopes that his wedding will live up to laura's demanding expectations . then , there's moore ( leland orser ) who speaks 5 lines and walks around with a puzzled look on his face . the problem with this reprehensible movie is that it wants to be a cruel comedy , but it presents things in a manner that just aren't funny . drugs , mutilation , and killing your own friends isn't something to be laughed at . as a straight psychological drama , i could see how it might have worked , as each one tried to maneuver and overcome the weight of their own guilt in their own sometimes-sick ways . but this movie insults us by assuming that we could simply discard our values for 2 hours . if you do like this movie , i don't think that i want to know you . i did find slater a convincing leader who sways his friends to choose not the right thing but the ? smart play . ' and diaz adds some brightness to this film as a wedding-needing fiancee . but her talents are essentially wasted here . it's obvious that the film maker is trying to strike a certain tone . but the way that he chooses to do it is tasteless . do not make a very bad decision by seeing this film . i had been looking forward to this film since i heard about it early last year , when matthew perry had just signed on . i'm big fan of perry's subtle sense of humor , and in addition , i think chris farley's on-edge , extreme acting was a riot . so naturally , when the trailer for " almost heroes " hit theaters , i almost jumped up and down . a soda in hand , the lights dimming , i was ready to be blown away by farley's final starring role and what was supposed to be matthew perry's big breakthrough . i was ready to be just amazed ; for this to be among farley's best , in spite of david spade's absence . i was ready to be laughing my head off the minute the credits ran . sadly , none of this came to pass . the humor is spotty at best , with good moments and laughable one-liners few and far between . perry and farley have no chemistry ; the role that perry was cast in seems obviously written for spade , for it's his type of humor , and not at all what perry is associated with . and the movie tries to be smart , a subject best left alone when it's a farley flick . the movie is a major dissapointment , with only a few scenes worth a first look , let alone a second . perry delivers not one humorous line the whole movie , and not surprisingly ; the only reason the movie made the top ten grossing list opening week was because it was advertised with farley . and farley's classic humor is widespread , too . almost heroes almost works , but misses the wagon-train by quite a longshot . guys , let's leave the exploring to lewis and clark , huh ? stick to " tommy boy " , and we'll all be " friends " . the original babe gets my vote as the best family film since the princess bride , and it's sequel has been getting rave reviews from most internet critics , both siskel and ebert sighting it more than a month ago as one of the year's finest films . so , naturally , when i entered the screening room that was to be showing the movie and there was nary another viewer to be found , this notion left me puzzled . it is a rare thing for a children's movie to be praised this highly , so wouldn't you think that every parent in the entire city would be flocking with their kids to see this supposedly " magical " piece of work ? a tad bewildered , but pleased to not have to worry about screaming kids and other disruptions that commonly go along with family films , i sat back for 97 minutes and watched intently and with a very open mind , having great expectations for the film . looking back , i should have taken the hint and left right when i entered the theater . believe me ; i wanted to like babe : pig in the city . the plot seemed interesting enough ; after the events that took place in the original , babe the sheep-pig has become a legitimate national phenomenon . but after a fateful encounter with a water well , arthur hogget ( james cromwell , who the movie could have used alot more of ) has been rendered bed-ridden for a number of weeks and the farm begins to go under financially . the only solution that his wife ( magda szubanski , going from delightfully charming to downright annoying ) can come up with is to make an appearance with their new celebrity pet at a national fair ( i think ) and to use the money they earn to pay off the bank ( set aside for the moment the fact that they could get more than enough cash from donations if they just made their case known to the public ) . problem is , the fair is being held in the middle of the dreaded " city " , a completely foreign place to both the pig and his companion . setting the main plot in motion , mrs . hogget and babe travel to the unnamed city and shack up with a sweet lady who just happens to love to help animals , despite the law that you cannot keep them in hotels . it is here that we meet an array of eccentric characters , the most memorable being the family of chimps led by steven wright . here is where the film took a wrong turn . up until this point , i had being having a rather enjoyable experience . the beginning featured some smart writing and funny situations involving the farm animals from the first one and even an inspired moment at the airport where mrs . hogget is accused of smuggling drugs . unfortunately , the story wears thin as we are introduced to a new set of animals that reside at the hotel , none of them being even one-tenth as interesting as the characters from the previous babe . the main topic of discussion surrounding babe : pig in the city is the question of whether or not it is to dark and disturbing for small children , and i believe it is . at one point , a dog is hung from his neck and slowly starts to drown . at other times , we are treated to surrealistic flash-backs to mrs . hogget's full cavity search at the airport . in fact , the overall tone of the movie is rather bleak and depressing . however , that is , as they say , neither here nor there because kids will probably not like the movie anyway . the animal characters and their plights were simply not intriguing enough to sustain my interest for an hour and a half , let alone entertain a child . another problem i found with the film was it's sudden change of pacing and tone near the end of the story . if you're going to make a darker and more sinister sequel , fine . it may not be my cup of tea , but at least it is a noble ambition . but to go from the downbeat feel of the rest of the movie and all of a sudden have slapstick finale with mrs . hogget swinging from wall-to-wall of a ballroom in elastic overalls ? it just didn't feel right and was more painful to watch than it was funny or entertaining , and the same goes for the rest of the movie . to put it bluntly , ed wood would have been proud of this . a totally ridiculous plot is encompassed with bad humor , hokey drama , zero logic and a crap screenplay . also , a beautifully anti-climactic ending . not to say it didn't look intriguing when i saw the previews . so much for truth in advertising . roland emmerich , who's later " independence day " would look like " the 400 blows " compared to this , co-writed and directed this inane sci-fi film which uses the cliche of there being some connection between eqypt and aliens . in a useless opening sequence , men find a stone in 1914 with hieroglyphics on it . it wouldn't be till present day ( '94 ) till they would actually figure it out . they're decipherer ? a slightly-neurotic scientist ( nice twist ) , dr . dan jackson ( james spader , doing his best outside of erotic thrillers and some indy fare ) who's life sucks so much that people walk out of his lectures after the third word . why do they use him to decipher what no one else could ? so there is a hokey ending ! duh ! he figures it out in about a minute . yea . and then they get a suicidal colonel or something , " jack " o'neill ( kurt russel , with his wyat earp locks in the beginning then a flat-top that would make howie long snap into a fetal position ) . why a suicidal colonel ? for the ending ! you'll get the hang of this . they open the stargate , a bunch of them go through it with a bomb to blow it up if they find anything bad . after an overdone special effects thing , they're . . . inside a goddam pyramid . so they went to egypt , right ? wrong . they're on another planet that was filmed in egypt . they discover a cilvilization ruled by ra , the sun god ( the androginous jaye davidson , with a voice modifier to make him sound like barry white with asthma ) , and there are fights , explosions and a kiss between two people . yea . also melodrama , stupidity , hokey scenes and a bizarre language . an anti-climactic ending ends with stupid lines ( " say hello to king tut , asswhole ! " - the quintessential line , lemme tell ya ) and some convenient pesudo-pseudo-pseudo-character development . by the end , you just wanna go home and watch , i don't know , the " outer limits " or something . the script's terrible . the special effects are okay , but nothing great . the story's so weak that it's almost opaque . the whole experience just isn't worth it unless you're so bored that you'd consider watching a " full house " marathon . . . or this . i'd pick this , obviously , but still , it's just not fun at all . and i can't wait for it to premier on mst3k . i wonder if budget is at all a criterion for whether or not a movie can be considered an exploitation flick . take the professional , for example . it boasts extremely glossy cinematography , a couple of recognizable name actors , and a couple of fairly impressive explosions . it's also basically about violence and cheap titilation , and features a central relationship between a middle-aged man and a twelve-year-old girl with a decidedly ambiguous sexual dimension . the professional is all over the map , and its pretensions of being about anything more than its most unpleasant elements simply make it all the more unpleasant . the professional of the title is a new york hit man named leon ( jean reno ) , brutally efficient but also very isolated . one day he is forced to let someone into his life when a girl from his apartment building knocks on his door . her name is matilda ( natalie portman ) , and the rest of her family has just been killed by crooked and very wired d . e . a . agent norman stansfield ( gary oldman ) after matilda's father tried to rip him off . leon reluctantly takes matilda in , then begins to teach her his profession when she says that she wants to avenge the murder of her young brother . the two become closer , which makes them all the more vulnerable when stansfield learns that they know too much , and sets out to eliminate them both . writer/director luc besson has gone this route before with his popular french import la femme nikita , a slick potboiler about a female assassin . there is no question that besson can make a great * looking * film ; with the assistance of cinematographer thierry arbogast , he has created a film chock full of moody close-ups and evocative lighting . but beneath the shiny wrapper , there isn't nearly as much going on as besson would like us to believe . the relationship between leon and matilda never clicks because neither one is given a character to develop . leon is mostly a collection of quirky traits , all intended to show us that for a hired killer , he's really not so bad a guy : he drinks lots of milk , takes meticulous care of a potted plant , and enjoys gene kelly movies . jean reno succeeds at giving leon a haunted and desperate quality , but he never makes an emotional connection to matilda . natalie portman is all wrong for a part that called for a much grittier quality , but she doesn't have too much to work with , either . besson would have been better served spending more time trying to bring his characters to life , and less on feeble attempts at humor which are often embarrassing . a silly game between leon and matilda involving celebrity impersonations is completely out of place , as is a scene where matilda shocks a hotel manager by announcing that leon is her lover ; character is thoroughly sacrificed for a cheap gag . gary oldman's entire part is something of a cheap gag , wild-eyed and way over the top , but at least he is interesting to watch . there isn't a real person to be found anywhere in the professional , which isn't always a problem in an action thriller , except that this one is trying to pass itself off as something more . a more disconcerting problem with the professional is that it plays around with the sexuality of a twelve-year-old in a really distasteful way . there were only two real choices for dealing with that component of leon and matilda's relationship : confront it head on , or ignore it entirely . but besson flirts and teases the audience with the idea that he's going to show them a forbidden love story , while choosing simply to focus his camera on portman's rear end and dress her in skimpy clothing . this is to say nothing of the questionable decision to make it look like quality paternal time when leon is teaching a child to load a 9mm pistol , or the blood which is spilled aplenty . a great deal of the time , the professional is just plain sleazy , and all the soft filters in the world can't disguise that fact . one of these days , i'll make good on my promise never to rent another abel ferrara movie . king of new york and body snatchers notwithstanding ( and bad lieutenant is only fit for a single , emotive viewing ) , his exploitation flicks have fallen into a rut of hoary art-house trappings . it's a perfume-drenched , coke-addled visit to the seedy pornography shop , where beautiful models ( no , hookers -- no , courtesans ) usher you through the silk curtains . ferrara's only consistently smart move has been casting christopher walken over and over again , since walken can make a good movie great and a loathsome movie durable whenever he's onscreen . his 8-minute scene in the addiction is the saving grace of that otherwise abysmal , unwatchable , and pretentious failure . when he starts talking about his vampiric bowel movements , or questions whether lili taylor has ever read naked lunch , there's a much-needed dose of humor in an otherwise terminally unfunny affair . you know those gothic club kids who are too cool to smile and let you know they're actually having fun ? the addiction is that movie . walken , sadly , does not appear in the blackout . the central role of matty , a junkie film star whose lightning paced hollywood life among the beautiful people is inevitably leading to his destruction , is played by matthew modine ( who takes what he can get after cutthroat island ) . much like the protagonists of michelangelo antonioni's terminally bored cultural elite , matty is involved in a bitter pill " relationship " with high fashioned model annie ( at least i think she's a model . ) matty's lady is played by french actress b ? atrice dalle , arrested twice for cocaine possession during filming of the blackout -- not that you needed to know that , but it lends credence to the idea that ferrara's entire oeuvre has been filmed in a fucking blackout . no kidding . requiem for a dream has nothing on the junkie presentations seen in ferrara's movies and his controversial urban lifestyle . matty and annie struggle over her decision to have an abortion without consulting him . no doubt , he was off chasing the dragon . in his despair , matty indulges in a chemical induced weekend of debauchery , tooling around the streets of miami with video filmmaker mickey wayne ( dennis hopper , in full " dirty ol' man " mold smacking models on the ass and telling them to spread their legs . wider ! ) toward the end of the night , they pick up a teenage waitress also named annie ( sarah lassez ) , start shooting a hastily improvised sexual scene , then matty thankfully blacks out . something happened that night which haunts him throughout the rest of the movie , and it's exactly what you think it was . suffice to say , there's some confusion over whether he killed annie one or annie two , or anyone at all . the blackout is typical ferrara : no plot to speak of , plenty of raunch , and horribly vogue images of matthew modine downing a bottle of jack daniels and a beer while wrapping himself in a see-through curtain in his hotel room by the sea , by the sea , by the beautiful sea . cinematographer ken kelsch finds inconsistent glory in alternating gorgeous painterly sunsets with docu-style sleaze ( and we're back to dennis hopper leering at girls in bathing suits . " yeah ! ! ! yeah ! ! ! arrrghhh ! " says mr . hopper . dirty old sod . ) it's compulsive viewing in a tacky sort of way , leading to a ridiculous climax where modine seizes control of his destiny . how's that for cryptic ? never fear -- ferrara finds time for some female full frontal nudity to remind us what he's all about . i can picture it now . " take off yer clothes , kid -- it's essential to depict the inner maelstrom of my central protagonist , and you're his visual id . you're the soul , the heart , the bloodstream of the picture . take it off ! take it all off ! ! ! ha ha ha ! " friggin' vampire . yeah , you , ferrara . a final word about matthew modine : he's actually a fine actor when properly cast , but there's something too squeaky-clean in his demeanor . he's ideally suited for sarcastic men in tightly controlled situations , such as his private joker in full metal jacket or the time-bomb nebbish in short cuts ( who is every bit as superb as julianne moore in that famous scene , though no one seems to notice him ) . [he was in that scene ? -ed . ] here , he's asked to let it all hang out , sporting a three-day stubble and oily bangs . he throws around furniture like stanley kowalski , but it's somehow lacking . modine lacks the feral intensity of brando , entirely miscast in ferrara's flesh fair . better luck next time , matt . someday , you'll be forgiven for cutthroat island , which wasn't really your fault in the first place . maybe atom egoyan will find a place for you somewhere , and all will once again be well in your world . making your first feature film ain't easy . assemble a decent , if not , strong cast , as writer/director robert moresco has done with one eyed king , and you're already ahead of the game . but rehash old plot lines , tired dialogue , and standard clich ? s , and a well-intentioned effort such as this one could jeopardize your chance at a second feature film . how many more movies do we need about a rough neighborhood full of lifelong friends hopelessly turned to crime or worse ? the enormous catalog of such movies might dissuade a filmmaker from making yet another , but here we have it . again . five irish kids in nyc's hell's kitchen make an overemotional pact over some stolen rings on an anonymous rooftop . with teary music . and slow motion . in the film's first scene . the kids grow up to be fairly worthless adults , unable or unwilling to make their way out of the heat of the kitchen . leading the clueless pack is william baldwin as a good-hearted guy who watches out for his buddies and is in tight with local mob head armand assante . i'd like to say that his character gets involved over his head in some sort of blah , blah , blah , but all we seem to get are little tastes of possible plot points . he's concerned about buddy jason gedrick's heroin abuse . he sticks up for jim breuer after he impregnates baldwin's character's sister . he looks into who might be pushing the most moronic-looking counterfeit cash ever made ( a genuinely funny touch ) . but none of this ever really amounts to anything . it seems that moresco's greater concern is to provide that intangible " slice of life " , that flavor of the neighborhood that everyone's been trying to evoke since scorsese's early work . so , we get the drunk guys , hugging and singing together at the local bar , to prove to us that they really love each other . ( do people actually do this ! ? ) we get a lot of tough street talk -- usually mumbled for effect -- and a whole lot of the f-word , whether it sounds like it fits or not . we also get a handful of good actors in small roles that seem to lack purpose . bruno kirby , chazz palminteri , you know , guys you've seen in movies just like this one before . assante is intelligent casting as the man that everyone fears , and baldwin's performance is adequate , but most of the rest of the cast jump into the tough guy persona so thoroughly that it's almost funny . moresco , a theater guy and sometimes tv writer ( including the series falcone ) , obviously labored over this one as anyone might a first child , but the content is probably too personal . as a result , the movie's style is heavy-handed , in need of a considerable amount of toning down . nearly every time an action by the grown up gang recalls something they did as kids , moresco reminds us -- boy does he remind us . with slow dissolves to the earlier scene , running in slow motion , complete with dialogue from the present , just in case we don't comprehend the link to the past . moresco needs to either trust his audience's intelligence , or have more faith in his own presentation rather than beat us over the head with it . his next project should have a little more personal distance , and a lot more subtlety . if he actually gets that chance . reviewed as part of our 2001 boston film festival coverage ( feature story coming soon ) . whenever u . s . government starts meddling into other countries' affairs , under the pretext of supporting human rights or preventing political , religious or ethnic persecution , the other side is ready to use mantra that says " look who's talking ! what have you done to the indians ? " however , even the americans themselves are ready to use that dark chapter of their own national history when it suits their purposes . hollywood is just another example , with its revisionist westerns , made in early 1990s . those movies tried to exploit the emerging wave of political correctness , coinciding with the 500th anniversary of columbus' discovery of america . one of such examples is geronimo : an american legend , 1993 western directed by walter hill , film that deals with one of the last conflicts between american natives and white settlers . the hero of the film is geronimo ( played by wes studi ) , leader of apaches , fierce warrior tribe that used to give hard time to white settlers during the second half of 19th century . when the movie begins , in 1885 , geronimo and his apaches made peace with u . s . government and try to live peacefully in arizona reservation . however , broken promises , injustice and violence against his people would make geronimo restless . with not more 30 or so of his followers , he escapes reservation and begins guerrilla campaign . general crook ( gene hackman ) , commander of u . s . army forces , respects geronimo and knows that even his 5 , 000 force isn't enough to catch geronimo in the great spaces of the american southwest . instead , he turns to people who are more experienced with apaches - lt . charles gatewood ( jason patric ) and indian hunter al sieber ( robert duvall ) . together with young lt . britton davis ( matt damon ) they would begin mission aimed at capturing geronimo . geronimo : an american legend , like many movies made under the shadow of political correctness , try to tell the tale about oppressed minorities , but instead the real subject is the bad conscience of the oppressors . so , the story about geronimo is told from the perspective of his enemies . almost all of them happen to be his greatest admirers and use every opportunity to express how sorry they feel for having to fight him and his people . although such elements of john millius' screenplay do indeed have some basis in history , they harm the story of geronimo . to be honest , walter hill does try to make geronimo the real hero of the film , but the movie segments that deal with the plight of apaches and the uprising are given too little time . instead , they turn out to be nothing more than the back story for rather uninteresting adventure story of gatewood and his band . to make even worse , hill has some real problems with pacing and style , and in the end we have impression that we are watching two films badly edited into one - story about geronimo and story about his pursuers . the movie should have been better if it turned to geronimo's life before and after his last uprising , in many ways more interesting than the story about gatewood . the difference between those segments could be observed through the different quality of acting . wes studi , cherokee actor who was so impressive as magua in the last of the mohicans , was perfect choice for geronimo , not only because he resembles geronimo , but because he induces a lot of passion in his role . contrary to him , we have disinterested actors who sleepwalk through the roles of his white enemies . while this could be expected from someone like jason patric , it is shame when we have veterans like gene hackman or robert duvall . even hill's directing is bellow expectations - battle scenes are too short and , like in many of his late films , force viewers to ask what had happened to the great action director of 1970s . even his old associate , music composer ry cooder , disappoints , with the score that shifts between indian motives and classic . on the other hand , photography by lloyd ahern ii , with the use of red lenses , gives somewhat dreamy atmosphere , ideal for this movie that was supposed to be melancholic epic . all in all , compared with some of the hollywood's examples of political correctness , this film isn't so bad , but we are left with the unpleasant impression that it could have been better . aspiring broadway composer robert ( aaron williams ) secretly carries a torch for his best friend , struggling actor marc ( michael shawn lucas ) . the problem is , marc only has eyes for " perfect 10s , " which the geeky , insecure robert certainly is not . meanwhile , marc's spoiled ( hetero ) female roommate , cynthia ( mara hobel ) , spends her days lying about their apartment and harrassing magazine editor tina brown . writer-director victor mignatti's " very romantic comedy " ( as the ad campaign states ) is supposed to be ( pardon the pun ) a gay ol' romp , but it's hard to have much fun with these annoying , self-absorbed characters and their shallow personal problems : marc and cynthia have sitcom-level domestic " crises " ( such as trying to kill bugs--how hilarious ) ; robert and marc go to acting class ( how riveting ) ; the zaftig cynthia goes on eating binges ( how original ) . but more than anything else , the three whine . constantly . marc whines about his turbulent romance with an apparent " 10 , " david ( hugh panaro ) , the hunky musician from across the way ; robert whines about not being able to find the right guy ; cynthia whines about having to find a job ( horrors ) . the terrible trio whine their way to a happy ending that is wholly undeserved . add in overly broad performances and some laughable lipsynching by panaro , and you're left with one astonishing piece of cinematic damage . " easely one of the worst films of the year . . " with the millenium just around the corner , hollywood is playing with our insecurities concerning the biggest event of this century . this time it is arnold schwartzenegger against the powers of evil . the result is somewhat predictable . i didn't have high hopes about arnold's " much anticipated " return to the big screen . schwarzenegger fans will probably be pleased , action lovers won't be bored , and the catholic league will be angry . everyone else will see 'end of days' for what it is : a deliciously bad motion picture . think of it as hollywood's own y2k bug . did you know that if you turn the three diabolical numbers 666 you'll get 999 , as in 1999 ? yes , you better believe it . . satan is here on earth , working on his latest project -- the end of days . this time it is gabriel burne who gets the privilege to play lucifer and , although not al pacino , he is fun to behold . he coolly strolls through manhattan in the borrowed body of an investment banker , wreaking , as they say , havoc . the way it works is he smirks and something explodes . before the stroke of the new millennium he's got to find and impregnate a certain woman in order to climb out from under a heavenly curse as spelled out in the book of revelations . only schwarzenegger's cop attached to an anti-terrorist unit can stop him . films like this has one serious weakness -- logic . no matter how you twist the " plot " , you'll find it incredibly stupid ( even for a schwartzenegger movie ! ) . the incredible fact is that such directors never learn . after thousands of headless productions , this theme has become one big clich ? . here the devil looks more like a sex addicted maniac that has just got out of a mental institution . he is walking around n . y . , blowing everything up and killing everyone that gets in a 5 meter radius . all he wants is the girl , that is somehow special . but schwartzenegger is more clever than he looks , he has hidden her in a church , where satan dare not enter . so the evil one is forced to seduce the good cop in order to get the valuable information : " you can have your wife and daughter back . . i can give you happiness that you can only dream of . . just give me the address . . " indeed with a script like that , you could make a wonderful parody , but unfortunately the director is taking this subject very seriously , attempting to create a provoking an dramatic thriller . and for you who have awaited arnold swartzenegger's comeback , will not be very satisfied . we've not seen him in a while . that's because he didn't have a worthy opponent . he has battled nuclear terrorists on earth and power mad conspirators on mars . he has taken on alien predators in the darkest reaches of the jungle and morphing cyberkillers that seemingly nothing can stop . so , after all those fights , what's left for arnold schwarzenegger ? how about satan ? in my opinion , he has never quite overcome his first role as the deadly robot in cameron's " terminator " . and that is schwartzenegger's strength -- muscles and no emotions . here he tries to achieve an artistic level , moving towards the oscar . this is called " an adult turn " if successful and " a flop " if unsuccessful . make a wild guess ! his character has lost his wife and daughter and has serious drinking problems . this requires at least some acting skills . regrettably , the only thing convincing about old arnold is his muscles . the rest of the cast are struggling with their so called characters . the movie is otherwise technically impressive , with a solid cinematography and fine lighting . but the movie doesn't serve neither as a serious thriller ( because of its stupidity ) nor as comic entertainment ( because of its serious tone ) . the only real comic relief in this film is when swartzenegger tries to cry . the action sequences are all recycled and the effects are everything but spectacular . so i really have a hard time recommending this film to somebody . unless you are a die-hard schwartzenegger fan , stay away . as for schwarzenegger , he'll be back . these days , people have rather short attention span and hardly anything can satisfy them for the long run . 1970s nostalgia is already wearing off , and now , people are becoming more and more interested in 1980s . few years in the future , early 1990s are going to be regarded as next golden age of nostalgia . however , i doubt that people are going to be very nostalgic about the hollywood products of that period . one of the reason would surely be films like national lampoon's loaded weapon 1 , that , in many ways , symbolise the biggest problem of contemporary american film industry - lack of originality and ideas . being made as some kind of parody on lethal weapon series , this film pairs two l . a . policemen - jack colt ( emilio estevez ) , burn-out alcoholic cop on the edge , and wes luger ( samuel l . jackson ) , by-the-book policeman , days away from retirement . two of them , following the murder of luger's ex- partner , must confront evil general mortars ( william shatner ) , crime lord who is going to flood the market with cocaine stashed in wilderness girl cookies . the authors of this films ( whose director , gene quintano , worked on such projects like third and fourth sequel of police academy ) lacked any original idea before they undertook the projects , and that reflects in the lack plot , characters , and , even original lines . the plot , or what goes for the plot in this movie , is nothing more than a series of gags that make laugh of some popular films made in previous few years ( apart from lethal weapon series , this film " borrows " its female lead from basic instinct ) . the best gags , are , same as with many other similar movies , shown in the trailers . the rest simply doesn't work . only those who used to watch a lot of hollywood products in that period would laugh . others would probably wince at the lameness of humour . some would be entertained by celebrity cameos that pop up every once in a while . but , at the end , spending hour and half in front of this disorganised mess of a movie is simply not worth the effort . the film was sometimes criticised for being the parody of a series that already had strong comic overtones . the authors of lethal weapon returned the favour by using the loaded weapon 1 joke in their fourth sequel . paul verhoeven , the dutch auteur who dragged his violent , sexually aggressive aesthetic into american film , has never been what i'd consider a thoughtful director ( though some of his films , notably starship troopers , have been lauded as artistic achievements ) , but he is the kind of hollywood film maker who's managed to , no matter what the budget , make his films distinctive and even sometimes smuggle stimulating themes into the lavish high concepts on which he toils . starship troopers was essentially a b-monster movie remake of his enthralling dutch war film soldier of orange ( a great film that's nearly impossible to find on video , yet showgirls is everywhere ) , in which he cast a troop of stunningly attractive mannequins ; the square jawed casper van dien and denise richards ( who may actually be 45% silicone ) , in what feels like an american propaganda picture set to monotonous scenes of graphic carnage . it's not a completely successful film , but as a failure it's certainly an interesting ( and mostly entertaining ) one . my favorite verhoeven films were the ones he made before he hit our shores ; spetters , a dark near pornographic coming of age film set within the sub-culture of drag racing and the aforementioned soldier of orange ( haven't yet gotten around to seeing the 4th man or turkish delight ) . i believe his best hollywood film to be robocop , a bleak super-hero satire with a robotic hero that's as touching as schwarzenegger's in t2 . that movie was violent but not in the overdone cartoonish manner of more recent verhoeven pics . its violence seemed to be there for a purpose , namely to create an atmosphere of unpredictable dread , not to simply titillate an attention deprived audience . there's a jaw-dropping scene within the first ten minutes of robocop wherein the lead villain toys with a cop before snuffing him . he tortures the officer by taking glee in his victim's every fearful tic . it's a startling moment of barbaric , maddening violence that effectively sets the tone for the film that could be designated as splatter punk-noir . in hollow man kevin bacon brutally slays a dog because it just won't shut up , he impales a co-worker , drowns another and so on . but why ? his character is introduced as a smug genius , the kind who's always impeccably dressed and races a sports car while generic rock tunes blare from his stereo for the world to hear , sort of like a scheming uber villain from dallas or melrose place , though once the character becomes invisible , this film has him pull a 180 shift into a psychotic movie monster . the kind who just won't die . hollow man's protagonists are the completely bland but beautiful scientist linda ( elizabeth shue , acting as if she were rebecca of sunnybrook farm ) and her lover , a hunk of beef scientist played by josh brolin who's saddled with the film's worst lines ( " i've lost cohesion again ! " ) . they're a typical aaron spelling couple , good-looking but as vacant as george w . bush's republican national convention speech ( i . e . bush referring to clinton ; " ? ? ? so much promise ? ? ? but to what end ? to what end ? " -- this actually got applause ! suddenly warren beatty doesn't look so absurd ) . the rest of the film's characters are all well past thirty , though act like annoying high school party animals insulting one and other with a series of strained one-liners ; is it just me or have labored insults become big budget hollywood's new character developing technique ? ahh , what a cynical time we live in ? ? ? as the picture opens we meet cain ( kevin bacon ) , an egocentric scientist working with the crew of aforementioned irritating scientists on a top secret ( so top secret the government has only provided them with a dilapidated warehouse in which to perform their extensive experimentation's ) project with the goal to make invisibility a possibility ( for what purpose is never hinted at ) . they've performed several experiments on animals and have nearly solved the quandary causing caine , in a twist worthy of the film's 1950's late show origins , to impulsively experiment on himself . caine neglects to let the pentagon in on his plans and somehow gets two of his co-workers to lie for him so the rest of the crew will think the pentagon gave the go ahead . our mad scientist is turned invisible ( after several fx-heavy complications ) , then he inexplicably ( it's hinted that the process of invisibility has made the animals into more savage creatures , but this is never explored , and if that was the case why the hell would anyone be stupid enough to test this out on a human ? ) begins raping , assaulting and murdering anyone he pleases , always with a lame wisecrack ready a la freddy krueger . it grows abundantly clear with each new release that it's verhoeven's films that have become hollow . like the rest , this one is cold , heartless , and full of contempt for humanity , but in addition to all that it lacks any trace of wit , insight and makes no statement other than " audiences will pay for anything these days " . it's an affront to anyone looking for something stimulating on an intellectual level , or even those hoping to spend a saturday night with a fun , thrill-a-minute ride . verhoeven has instead served up an utterly routine mad slasher flick with nobody to root for and no reason to care . the previews make hollow man look like an irresistible flick . how can one not have a good time at a film that utilizes state of the art fx to illustrate an invisible man getting down and dirty with his bad self ? a couple weeks ago , after seeing the trailer , a bunch of friends and i got into a long discussion of how invisible man flicks never go so far as to have the invisible individual indulging in their newfound ability . hollow man looked like the first film to do so and whoa , in a serious manner to boot . but oh yeah , it is directed by paul verhoven not atom egoyan or peter greenway . verhoeven delivers the sleazy " goods " , but not in a watchable or thrillingly disturbing manner , here it just feels icky and uncomfortable . the director keeps his camera trained at his nubile actresses , caressing their breasts with his lens all while faux-psycho music strains in the background . it's plainly obvious that verhoeven isn't exploring voyeurism ( like in the classic peeping tom ) but exploiting it and not even doing that very well . it's funny that with all the technology $90 million can get you verhoven is stuck at trying to figure out how to show a woman's naked breast manipulated by an invisible hand . most vexing is that the invisibility aspect is used simply as gimmick in yet another slasher movie wherein characters do stupid things just so the villain can pop up for more attacks . in fact it's largely irrelevant that bacon is invisible since , by the end , most of his potential victims don infer-red glasses that track his body heat . as in every mad slasher film we get the killers pov ( a scene where he spies on his neighbor while she undresses triggered unpleasant memories of slumber party massacre ) , and lots of scenes where people are unknowingly stalked . the film only provides one moment that i found genuinely creepy . it happens when a lab assistant ( kim dickens , who looks like she stepped out of playboy ) in the middle of a chit chat with an invisible bacon , suddenly pauses . " are you looking at me ? " , she queries , obviously haunted . it's a little moment in a big film with nothing to offer but ground breaking special effects set to a plot that should have run its course by 1982 ( the apex of the mad slasher craze ) . those special effects are so stunning they alone keep this from being as bad as urban legend or i still know what you did last summer . and they're the only reason to check out hollow man , preferably as a mid-week bargain rental . you've been warned . but you probably won't listen , will you ? tis' a pity ? ? ? fact that charles bronson represents one of the most important movie icons of the 1980s represents one of the biggest and almost tragic ironies of that decade . tragedy lies in the fact that the icon status was earned less by quality of his work in movies , but the quantity . most of those movies were produced by cannon group , company led by israeli producers menahem golan and yoram globus . those two men probably thought that they could be the next roger corman , b- movie mentors of future hollywood legends . unfortunately , that didn't happened , and when cannon finally went bankrupt at the end of the decade , behind it stood the huge pile of cinematic garbage , that would require at least few centuries before it reaches the camp appeal . sadly for bronson , that garbage also contained numerous movies in which that capable character actor and action hero of the 1970s tried to raise their worth simply by being the main lead , and lowering his own reputation in process . on the other hand , bronson could take comfort in a fact that those movies were extremely popular , especially among the audience 3 or 4 times younger than bronson himself . one of such movies that seriously marred bronson's reputation is death wish 3 , third sequel in the series which began with death wish in 1974 . in the original movie , bronson played paul kersey , mild-mannered new york architect who turns into deadly street vigilante after his family fell victim to urban violence . that movie was far from masterpiece ; yet , in it the director michael winner was skillfully offering the cinematic remedy for very real disease of growing crime rates of the time ( on the same lines like siegel in dirty harry ) . unfortunately , six years later cannon group got rights to the character of paul kersey and began destroying it by pumping out sequels ; even the presence of its original director didn't stop the rapid decline of the quality . death wish 3 begins when kersey comes to visit an old friend , living in the urban wasteland of east new york , populated by young criminals and people too old or too poor to move out . before the reunion , kersey's friend falls victim to the street gang led by evil fraker ( played by gavan o'herlihy , probably the only noteworthy role in the film ) . kersey decides to avenge his death and slowly prepares for his crusade , while the police inspector shriker ( ed lauter ) , ants to use him as a secret weapon in his losing war against the urban crime . bronson , the main asset in this movie , plays the character who is nothing more than an efficient killing machine . although bronson's charisma does help in overcoming some implausibilities ( single man in his 60s and armed with a single pistol manages to wipe out dozens of opponents with superior firepower ) , the lack of emotions or bronson's own commitment could be seen in a very few lines spoken in a film . the movie authors were somewhat aware of that emotional shallowness , so they added romantic interest for their hero - public defender played by deborah raffin and conveniently terminated in order to give some more motives for kersey's crusade . on the other hand , emotions are much better played by confronting law-abiding , yet ethnically stereotyped citizens with their daily nemesis of street punks - ruthless enough to exercise their reign of terror on the entire city blocks , and stupid enough to be killed in droves by kersey . unfortunately , michael winner doesn't know how to work out the plot , and after torturing the viewers with mostly uninteresting characters and cliched and formulaic situations , ends this movie with a bang . the big showdown at the end - that turns east new york into the sarajevo-like battle zone - is probably the worst part of the movie , because of the poor editing and the cheap sets and props that give away the low budget . in short , this movie could be recommended only to the most fanatical charles bronson fans or for the people who are already desperate for 1980s nostalgia . ( special note for trekkies : marina sirtis , the actress who played counsellor deanna troi in star trek : the next generation could be spotted in a small role of portorican wife ) . overblown remake of the 1963 robert wise film of the same name ( based on shirley jackson's novel " the haunting of hill house " ) stars lili taylor as one of three " lab rats " that participate in a supposed " insomnia " study being initiated by liam neeson . he is actually conducting a study on the causes of fear and why the human mind is still affected by it . he drags the test subjects out to a foreboding mansion where all types of " creepy " cgi effects scare the cast and try the audience's patience . i know this question has been posed before , but why do people keep remaking good movies ? the original was a great psychological horror film . this new version is dull and very decidedly not scary . in fact , i feel it is downright impossible to make a modern day pg-13 horror movie that is scary . unless you find obvious computer generated special effects frightening , then there's nothing in this film that will raise hackles . i nearly fell asleep twice during the film , and probably would have if they guy two rows behind me didn't seem to have such a personal relationship with the characters that he felt he needed to discuss every decision they made with them as the film progressed . it's sad to see such an amazing cast wasted so badly . owen wilson spends most of the film wandering the halls of the house , and the script does no justice to his wonderful comic ability . catherine zeta-jones ( always nice to look at ) is given the woefully underwritten role of a bi-sexual insomniac that gets to run out of her bedroom perplexed every time some strange noise occurs . liam neeson pops in from time to time to talk into his tape recorder and attempt to convince the others that he has as much knowledge about what's going on as the rest of them do . finally , poor lili taylor , the center of the film , gets the brunt of the cgi effects thrown at her while everyone else gets to scream and try to rescue her . apparently , a subplot involving a tryst between zeta-jones and taylor's characters was filmed but removed . that's too bad , because it might have lent some better characterization to the narrative . this is jan de bont's second straight misfire ( speed 2 : cruise control being the first ) . when is he going to learn that bigger is not always necessarily better ? robert wise knew that when he made the original and the makes of the blair witch project also knew that . one should not approach a haunted house movie with a twister mindset . if de bont and screenwriter david self had let our minds fill in the blanks as to what was happening instead of showing us everything , it would have served to make the film terrifying . what our mind fashions on it's own can be a thousand times more frightening than having having it completely led towards everything . apparently , yet another version of this story is being filmed under it's original title . i certainly hope that this newer rendition will not be hurt by the insanity of jan de bont's version and that it will retain the psychological impact that the original release had . [pg-13] " tarzan and the lost city " is one of the most anemic movies to come out in quite a while . not only it is poorly written , badly acted , and generally incompetent in all cinematic areas , it is thoroughly uninspired and insipid . unfortunately , it's not bad in the way great , colossal misfires like " heaven's gate " ( 1980 ) or " ishtar " ( 1987 ) were bad . instead , it literally drips off the screen like a movie nobody wanted to be associated with , which begs the question of why it was made in the first place . with all the good scripts lying around hollywood un-produced , how does needless drek like this make its way to the big screen ? of course , tarzan is one of the most filmed characters in all of motion picture history - he has appeared in over forty films , which have ranged from the very good ( 1984's " greystoke : the legend of tarzan , lord of the apes " ) down to the really bad ( 1981's " tarzan , the ape man " with bo derek ) . most of these films were just cheapie b-movies made in the thirties and forties , starring ex-olympic athletes and a lot of cutsie chimps . therefore , if another tarzan movie is to be made , one might assume that it would have something new to offer - a different angle , an original storyline , anything to set it apart from all the others . " greystoke " added a never-before-seen level of realism to the pulpy tale , and even " tarzan , the ape man " at least had the mis-guided audacity to sexualize the story as a vehicle for bo derek's bare breasts . " tarzan and the lost city , " on the other hand , has absolutely nothing to offer but a bunch of recycled storylines and bad dialogue . the script , by bayard johnson and j . anderson black is about as formulaic and generic as they come . comic books have better plots than this . the movie is so bad , in fact , that it retains that ridiculous tarzan call that was so tirelessly mocked in last summer's comedy " george of the jungle . " didn't the producers think to leave that back in the old weissmuller pictures where it belongs ? the story starts with the legend of tarzan already firmly established : a quick opening narration tells of tarzan ( casper van dien ) being found in the jungle after having been raised by apes , and his return to england where he assumes his greystoke heritage . when the movie starts in 1913 , he is a civilized english gentleman ( without an english accent ) , and he is to marry jane ( jane march ) in less than a week . however , when a wicked archeologist/grave-robber named nigel ravens ( steve waddington ) begins hunting for the fabled lost city of opar , one of africa's last great secrets , the witch doctor of an ancient african tribe summons tarzan back to the jungle . at first , jane refuses to go , pouting about how it will interfere with their wedding ; but after tarzan leaves she changes her mind and tracks him down , therefore assuring lots of lame smooch scenes between her and her ape-man . once the film gets going ( in its own sluggish way ) , it delves into a series of jungle adventures , as tarzan , jane , and the natives attempt the thwart ravens and his crew from discovering the city . most of the so-called adventures are cheesy , predictable , and unexciting , with no pace , tension , or action to speak of . there are sequences stolen from innumerable recent adventure movies , ranging from " raiders of the lost ark " ( 1981 ) to " the goonies " ( 1985 ) . when the movie is running short on action , it includes a few greenpeace-friendly scenes of tarzan freeing caged animals , releasing a baby elephant from a trap , and throwing ivory tusks into the river . the movie is also lacking even a remote hint of reality . for instance , when tarzan - who was raised in the jungle - is bit by a cobra , he doesn't even attempt to suck the venom out like any semi-experienced weekend backpacker would do . instead , he ties a tourniquet around his arm and stumbles off into the jungle with no plan for survival . of course , one can't help but notice how fundamentally misleading the title is . not to ruin the ending or anything , but there is no lost city . there is , however , a lost pyramid , which i suppose is all the resource-strapped fx department could come up with ( the special effects are not worthy of a made-for-tv movie ) . which also brings up the question of why the treasure hunters had to slog through numerous underground caverns to get to the lost pyramid , when it's sitting right out in the middle of an open field ? strictly speaking , " tarzan and the lost city " isn't even bad enough to have camp quality , although casper van dien's laughably stiff performance comes real close . this movie proves what " starship troopers " only hinted at : he cannot act , but he sure looks well-groomed , even in the deepest heart of the african jungle . van dien is much too much of a pretty-boy to be an effective tarzan ; he's a calvin klein model in a loin cloth . i also wondered what the make-up department was thinking when it outfitted him with that awful circa-1983 steve perry haircut . waddington makes a decent villain , although he's like a charmless version of belloq from " raiders of the lost ark . " as jane , the ex-model jane march has little to do but smile and look pretty next to tarzan . she does fire off a gun at the evil treasure hunters a time or two , but whenever a snake comes into the picture , she is reduced to a hysterical mess . however , amidst all this complaining , i do have one piece of good news . " tarzan and the lost city " is so lacking in ideas both new and old , that it is unable to fill even an hour and a half of celluloid . so , we can say this much for it : at least it had the decency to be short . everything in the phantom you have seen many times before and there is nothing new presented here . wincer displays absolutely no skill in setting up an exciting action sequence . billy zane is wooden as the hero . kristy swanson is given very little to do , and does very little with it . treat williams , looking like rhett butler but sounding like mickey mouse , is one of the worst villains i have ever seen in a movie . only catherine zeta jones , as one of williams cohorts turns in a good performance . she has energy and spunk , which the movie needed much more of . oh yeah , the phantom also has a secret identity but this is so poorly played out you won't even care . about the only things i can recommend are a good performance by jones , and some colorful scenery . however , if youre looking for a fun family movie , go watch the underrated flipper . this is not a good movie . a life less ordinary ( r ) while the extremely peculiar a life less ordinary does live up to its title , a more appropriate moniker would be a movie more misguided , for this confused , confusing attempt at romantic comedy is a most disarming disaster from the talented trainspotting team of director danny boyle , producer andrew macdonald , and screenwriter john hodge . at the core of this strange film is a fairly basic--and , yes , ordinary--premise . after robert ( boyle regular ewan mcgregor ) , an aspiring writer of trashy novels , is fired from his janitorial job at the naville corporation , he kidnaps naville's ( ian holm ) spoiled daughter celine ( cameron diaz ) and holds her for ransom . the joke here is that celine is a willing victim--her father threatened to cut her off financially , so she wants revenge--and that she soon becomes not only an accomplice but the brains behind the scheme , teaching the inept robert a thing or two about kidnapping . . . and , ultimately ( didn't we see this one coming ? ) , love . so far , so mediocre . but mediocre is better than dreadful , which this film is , thanks in no small part to the hodge's contextual frame for the romance . it turns out that god is displeased with the divorce and romantic breakup rate on earth , so the chief of heaven's police , gabriel ( dan hedaya ) dispatches two angels , o'reilly ( holly hunter ) and jackson ( delroy lindo ) , to earth to hook up celine and robert--or lose their angel status . this conceit might have worked if the angel dimension played an integral role in the entire picture . but it could have easily been cut without any clear loss to the film ; as it stands , it is simply a waste of time that distracts from the romance at hand . not that there is much of a romance to begin with . try as diaz and mcgregor may , celine and robert are too one-note to become very endearing characters . celine is rich bitch ; robert is a dullard . as such , it is quite hard for the audience to really connect with these two--then again , they never seem to really connect with each other . when celine and robert start to overtly act on their " feelings , " it comes off more like something scripted than anything natural . but i am not exactly sure if boyle and company's point was romance ; honestly , i am not exactly sure what they were trying to accomplish . boyle juices up the visuals with his characteristic razzmatazz , but it remains just that--energy , not energy in service of a story or even acting . the cast seems lost , especially hunter , whose performance is so adrift as to be baffling . and then there are the many eccentricities splattered onto the film : some violent confrontations involving the angels , who are not exactly angelic--in fact , they end up staging their own ransom scheme ; some mystical hokum in the climax ; and a cutesy claymation epilogue . watching much of a life less ordinary is like being trapped in indie hipster hell , stockpiling quirks in the name of cool . instead , the film just gives quirky a bad name . my best guess as to what the filmmakers wanted to accomplish is an atmosphere of warped womantic ( yes , misspelling intended ) whimsy , which comes through in only one scene : an extended musical number where celine and robert sing " beyond the sea " at a karaoke bar . after a verse or two , the couple are magically dolled up in snazzy outfits and hairdos , and engage in a spirited dance routine on the counter . the scene works not only because of its relative simplicity but also because it does not try too hard , just relying on the innate charm of the leads , allowing them to build a romantic rapport . alas , not nearly enough is built , for this moment comes to an abrupt end . i applaud any attempt to bring something fresh and unique to movie houses , but sometimes even cleverness can reach overkill . a life less ordinary certainly delivers something " different , " but by the time the film was over , i was clamoring for a life more ordinary . " i can accept failure . everyone fails at something . but i can't accept not trying . it doesn't matter if you win as long as you give everything in your heart . " --michael jordan how could a g-rated disney film based on meg cabot's novel " the princess diaries " be anything but cute , harmless fun ? easy . take all the cute , harmless fun out of it . and while you're at it make it borrr-ring . that's what director garry marshall , screenwriter gina wendkos and , not to be outdone , producer whitney houston have done with the g-rated disney film " the princess diaries . " you couldn't tell it from the audience though , a braintree , mass . of growing , glowing pre-pubescent girls ( and the odd parental , popcorn perched about their persons ) , who positively cheered when the end credits rolled ( ah the film had struck a lovely nerve with them but not with fuddy-duddy old me ) . well , i might have cheered that the utter tripe was now well and truly over , but that would have been too obvious . too obvious is the least of the problems with marshall's film ( garry made a couple of other " princess " movies-- " pretty woman " and " runaway bride " --but this one's way without julia roberts so maybe * that's * its problem ) . in addition to being predictable as molasses , " the princess diaries " has hardly got a laugh in it ( it's a comedy ) , could bore the pants off an abyssinian for long , long stretches , and is so sloppily edited the principals refer to scenes we haven't even seen yet ( and probably never will except , perhaps , in the dvd edition ) . marshall should take virtually all of the blame here , since he's been at this for some time and should know when a scene or two isn't working . . . and hardly * any * of " the princess diaries " works ( " works , " alas , implies cleverness and there's none of that here either ) . newcomer anne hathaway stars as mia thermopolis , a bright but socially invisible san franciscan teen who learns that her single mom ( a wacky artist played by the likable caroline goodall ) had a bit of a fling with some royal member of some miniscule european country nobody ever heard of ( the filmmakers go out of their way * not * to call it serbia , which is pretty much what all miniscule european countries are called in the movies mark my words ) and now she , mia , is next in line to rule " genovia " ( hence the headphones/tiara combo in the print ads ) . julie andrews , with the luminous factor cranked to 11 , plays mia's grandmother ( aka queen clarisse renaldi ) , who shows up out of the royal blue and lends mia much advice and direction in the eating , talking , and looking like a princess department ( although mia's big makeover simply transforms her from ugly duckling to ugly swan ) . does queen julie lose her dignity for the sake of a good laugh ? not really . consuming a corn dog is about the worst that it gets . also on stereotypical hand are a brainless jock , an evil cheerleader , a dorky-looking best friend ( " welcome to the dollhouse " 's heather matarazzo ) , a sensitive auto mechanic/musician , and marshall mainstay hector elizondo as joe the driver , imparting wit and wisdom from the front seat of mia's chauffeur-driven limousine at every intersection . a non-animated g-rated movie is a rarity these days but the rating here reflects the fact that all the guts , all the good stuff , has been exorcised from the finished product . lame , labored , and lamentable , " the princess diaries " is recommended for eight-and-a-half year olds of the feminine persuasion * only * ; all others would do well to avoid it ( like potholes , the plague , and " the perfect storm " ) . the corruptor is a big silly mess of an action movie , complete with pointless plot turns and gratuitous violence . it's not abhorrent , or even blatantly unlikable , but it doesn't make a shred of sense . and whose idea was it to have the director of glengarry glen ross direct an action film ? james foley knows a lot about characters and acting , and those are the strengths of the corruptor . but the quiet scenes clash with the ludicrous action nonsense , and the result is less like a movie and more like a derailed train . at least we have chow yun-fat in the lead role . chow plays nick chen , a chinatown cop . he's a good cop , as the first few scenes establish , and he's very familiar with chinatown . that's probably why the powers-that-be decide to team him up with a rookie named danny wallace ( mark wahlberg ) . nick and danny begin by stepping on each other's toes , but finally end up liking each other once they both get a chance to save the other one's life . what happens after that is kind of a mystery to me . i'm fairly certain that the villains are all part of the fukienese dragons , led by a young chinese psycho named bobby vu ( byron mann ) . i'm also pretty sure that nick is on the payroll of henry lee ( ric young ) , a gangster dealing in prostitutes and other neat stuff . i'm not quite sure why henry lee decides to employ danny , although this makes for some ridiculous ( albeit unpredictable ) plot twists along the way . there's also an interesting subplot revolving around danny's father ( brian cox ) , but it doesn't have much to do with the main story . one of the problems , as i said , is that the movie doesn't make any sense . i don't blame this entirely on foley , because he's obviously a good director . i'm more inclined to point my finger at robert pucci's script , which doesn't seem to be in tune to the way normal people act . one scene early on had me particularly annoyed : nick confronts his boss because he's angry about his new white partner . he's shouting and pointing his finger and stepping on the furniture , and i was thinking that i would have fired him if he had done that to me . ( in addition , the film takes a bite into race-related issues , and never develops them at all . ) there are a lot of scenes like this one , and none of them are very coherent . there's also a considerable language barrier , given that chow and some of the other actors have thick chinese accents . the plot itself never straightens out . i'm not sure who or what the fukienese dragons are , or why henry lee is associated with them , or what they do as a group . the corruptor is an action movie , and so all these weird plot developments are decorated with loud and violent action sequences . the sequences aren't bad , but they're not new ; how many car chases through chinatown have you seen ? on that note , how many chinatown cop movies have you seen ? one too many , i'd imagine . foley's strength is clearly in characterization , and he does a pretty good job here . the scenes between nick and danny are very good , and i actually got a feel for their characters ; a bond forms between them that holds parts of the film together . chow and wahlberg are both good actors ; chow is a pro , and can do this kind of stuff in his sleep . wahlberg seems less at home in this atmosphere , but he's still fun to watch . i also liked the subplot involving danny's father ; brian cox's performance is powerful , and his character makes a compelling moral compass for danny . but the film ultimately fails , mostly at the hands of insane incoherence and overly-familiar action scenes . a complicated plot can be successful , but the story needs to make sense when it's over . the corruptor never manages to make any sense -- it just keeps spinning out of control until , finally , there's nothing left to hold on to . " return to horror high , " wants to be a couple different types of movies at once . the film tells the story of a low-budget horror movie being filmed at the closed-down crippen high , a school where a group of serial murders took place five years before . but what the cast and crew don't know is that a real killer , maybe the same one that was never apprehended , is going into action again . on one level , " return to horror high " is a slasher movie , and it is at this level that it works the best on . watching the film , which was made in 1987 , i couldn't help but take notice that the killer's costume was almost identital to that of the ghostface in , " scream , " and " scream 2 . " on another level , the film wants to be a slapstick comedy , and there are many hints of this throughout . unfortunately , most of these jokes fall flat . and the last thing the film wants to be is a " behind-the-scenes " look at an exploitation film being made . the only problem is that , while much of it is supposed to be from the movie itself being made , no cameras are shown filming it , thus making it far more confusing than it had to be . and to top it all off , the " twist " ending makes very little to no sense whatsoever , and so we are basically left with feeling as if we wasted our time . there are story developments that are beyond ludicrous , and plot holes you could drive a winnebago through . if you see the film , or have seen it , you'll know what i mean . the premise of " return to horror high , " is admittedly pretty crafty , and i liked the atmosphere of the school , which is where the whole thing takes place . but director froehlich , judging from this movie , is an incompetent director , except for being able to film the seldom suspeneful scene . well , come to think of it , there is only one scene that is actually scary , and it has to do with two actors being locked in a room as the killer tries to break in . but other than that two-minute distraction , " return to horror high , " is certainly no great shake . note : look for george clooney in a supporting role as one of the actors on the film . and strangely enough , he is the first character to get the ax . . . literally . the art of woo attempts to be one of those films like breakfast at tiffany's in which the audience is rooting for some sweet , vulnerable , irresistible woman to work out her problems and to find happiness . the problem is that helen lee who writes and directs seems to have written alessa woo ( played by sook-yin lee ) as neither sweet nor vulnerable and she is quite resistible . alessa is a young woman who happens to be a brilliant art dealer in the toronto art scene . this is some sort of alternate world art scene where people pay tens of thousands of dollars for paintings by talented beginners and dealers in these paintings fly back and forth to places like switzerland . one of the most knowledgeable of the art dealers is alessa . she also happens to be the center of adulation of her friends and every party has suitors camped outside her window . next door to alessa moves struggling genius artist and native american ben crowchild ( adam beach ) . he sees that behind the facade that there is really a sad little girl within alessa who really will not be happy with the rich art collector she is dating . ben gets emotionally involved with alessa . ( as alessa so delicately puts it , " we were bosom buddies , now we're fuck buddies . " ) but alessa will have to decide whether she wants love with ben or wealth with her rich suitor . the real problem with the film seems to be helen lee's inability to decide what she wants to be saying . she undercuts nearly everything she wants us to believe about alessa . alessa is looking for financial security but she makes decisions about large sums of money for her clients . this appears to be a high profile and well-paid job . we are supposed to care about alessa's feelings , but she coldly refuses to visit her own ailing father . alessa cannot be portrayed as sweet and vulnerable if at an art auction she turns into our man flint . this is a charmless romantic comedy that bets everything it has on the appeal of its main character and comes up double-zero . i rate it a 3 on the 0 to 10 scale and a -1 on the -4 to +4 scale . capsule : a science fiction allegory . at the millennium a lethal contagious virus has hit taiwan . officials have cut off water and other services to the center of contagion . life there devolves and degenerates . a man in an apartment has a hole in his floor and with it harasses his downstairs neighbor . a slow but harrowing film to be missed if possible . , low -1 ( -4 to +4 ) - the taiwan virus is ravaging taiwan and the part of the city that is the center of the contagion has been evacuated of anyone who will go . one apartment building still houses people . a woman , formerly an office worker , ( yang kuei-mei ) is tormented by her upstairs neighbor ( lee kang-sheng ) who has a hole cut by a plumber in the floor and is using it as a drain . neighbor runs a small failing grocery store . - to make things more depressing , it is constantly raining hard . - upstairs neighbor vomits through , pours water , etc . a small and almost entirely one-sided war starts . allegory about callousness and selfishness . - woman is living on a pile of rolls of toilet tissue . - incongruous songs added to show downstairs neighbors dreams . these are the songs of popular taiwanese singer grace chang . - apartment is falling apart . wallpaper is separating from walls . plumbing is failing . - boredom shown by long cuts in which nothing happens . a lot of film seems to be used up . - this story might have been done much better as a ten-minute animated film . - stars are considered to be great dramatic actors by one reviewer . - this film seems longer at 95 minutes most two-hour films . seen december 2 , 1997 at 6 : 50 p . m . at the glenwood movieplex cinemas ( oneida , ny ) , theater #3 , by myself for free ( free pass ) . [theater rating : * * * : good seats , sound , and picture] there are many philosophies as to why we are so fascinated with cartoons . they provide a method of total escapism in which anything will work within their context , from the outrageous slapstick of looney tunes to the intensity of japanimation . watching " flubber " really clinched this idea for me , because it's just a live action cartoon that presents itself as a regular comedy . it proves how painfully unfunny all those gags and slapstick would be in reality , and how important it is to actually have a story . the film wastes no time in establishing its lighthearted , cartoony atmosphere . we meet medfield college chemistry professor phillip brainard ( williams ) , the typical , supposedly likable mad scientist . within the first 10 minutes we get at least a half dozen jokes about how forgetful he is . phillip's memory loss seems less like a cartoony gag and more like a real case of alzhiemer's disease - isn't this rather lowbrow comedy ? he starts teaching chemistry after walking in on a nude figure drawing class ( an inappropriate joke for a kids' movie if i ever saw one ) . we learn he has stood his up fiancee , sara ( harden ) , twice at the altar simply because he's forgotten . sara claims to love him , but says if he forgets the wedding again she'll stop loving him ( a sign of childish attitude the film denies it has ) . but even cartoons must have conflicts to resolve , and it's no surprise the major conflicts here are related . christopher mcdonald does and even worse version of his usual villain shtick as wilson croft , a scientist who not only wants to steal phillip's ideas , but his woman too . what's worse is that sara actually seems interested in him ! wilson works for a rival college that wants to buy out medfield , which is going broke , unless phillip can invent something to save the day . one of the first rules of filmmaking is to make sure the title has something to do with the film . the flubber is played for gags after it is introduced , but is all but forgotten about thereafter . it's obvious phillip is going to accidentally invent flubber , a flying rubber compound that yields tremendous energy , and the promotions make the flubber look realistic and funny . unfortunately , the flubber , like all the special effects in this film , looks very fake and unconvincing . flubber also seems to have intelligence and a personality , and by the time it performs a song and dance routine , you give up wondering how life could spontaneously come to an inanimate object . most of the film wanders aimlessly as it relies on the flubber to make for the comedy ( since phillip's absent-mindedness is forgotten about ) and somehow push the story along . but it's clear how weak this premise is from the get-go and the film just gets worse . all the jokes involve people getting hit by fast-moving , flubber-powered objects including : bowling balls ; flying cars that don't fly well ; and a basketball team capable of jumping 100 feet into the air . it's all presented with complete logic , and no one believes flubber exists even when they see it with their own eyes . during the basketball scene , the coach for the rival team actually says , " i think they might be cheating , " to which the referee replies , " there's no rules about jumping too high . " " predictable " doesn't begin to describe the motions the film goes through , especially after the halfway point . and it's not how terribly contrived the plot is , it's the way it's broken down scene-by-scene , with absolutely no transition . not only that , but all the actors here , especially williams , seem bored to tears . i'd say 80 percent of all the scenes were shot with a bluescreen , so it's almost forgivable when you realize they're talking to nothing and interacting with nothing . it's safe to say everything that could be bad about " flubber " is . the only original element the film has is the world's first romance between a machine and a human . but this aspect is quite twisted if you think about it , and , like the rest of the film , you won't . plot : a down-and-out girl moves in with some over-the-top models and falls in love with a goofy-but-loveable guy from across the street . aaaaaaaaah ! then one day , she sees him knock a woman upside the head with a baseball bat . ooooooooh ! she must then join together with her model-friends to find out whether or not this guy is really goofy-but-loveable , or a psycho killer . aaaaaaaaah ! critique : completely idiotic . okay , so maybe i'm being a little too nice . this movie starts off dumb , moves into the ridiculous and eventually graduates to idiocy . there . . . that's more like it ! and how , you may ask ? well , it's simple really . four of the dumbest stereotypical models in the world ( oh my god , i just found out that the actresses playing the parts are models in real life . . . yipes ! ) join monica potter ( in a role which can only be described as an obvious cry for help ) and freddie prinze jr . ( not the actor , but the character better known as freddie prinze jr . ) , in a plot so stupid and far-fetched , that you have to wonder once more , how crap like this gets by the hollywood bigwigs . this thing stinks to high-heaven . it's just plain embarrassing for everyone involved . i even felt my iq dip below its usual low as toilet humor somehow worked its way into this so-called romantic-comedy-action movie ? ugh . what a pile of dung . hey , i'm actually starting to sound a little like harry knowles here , but i guess i could see where his frustration comes from time to time . it's sad really . a movie which actually had quite a few people in my audience laughing at its idiocy , including the over-used " folks hiding in the bathroom while someone else comes in to take a crap and fart " gag . and how about that dumb blonde model who keeps running into things . pure hilarity ! or maybe i'm just too jaded , too much of a critic , not relaxed enough to enjoy this fluff-piece . . . uuuhhmmm . . . naaaaah ! ! this movie sucks the big one . it's chockfull of stupid characters delivering inane dialogue fitting snuggly into a preposterous plot . this is the kind of movie that has one character inserting another character into a car headfirst to the floor only because . . . well , it's supposed to be funny , see ? you see , that person then has their legs swinging in the other person's face as they drive and that distracts the driver , see , and well , that's kinda funny , no ? harumph . . . yeah , well . . . you get the picture ! anyhoo , freddie prinze jr . . . . nuff said . monica potter , a bad career move , but we might forgive you if you keep up the julia roberts bit . the rest of the model girls . . . well , thanks for being there so i had something to look at , but please apologize to the entire modeling community as a whole , for making them all out to be complete imbeciles ! ! so why the three points out of ten , you may ask ? well , it's simple really . one point goes to the russian model girl and that cool accent ( don't ask me why , but it actually turned me on ) . one point goes out to all of the model girls for being in the movie ( nice window decoration . . . natch ! ) . and one last point goes out to the makers of this film , who spared us any long sorted story , and made sure to give us the opportunity of leaving the theatre after only 90 minutes of manufactured garbage , so that we could run out as fast as we can , grab the next person that we see walking down the street and warn them of the devil that is . . . freddie prinze jr . . . i mean , head over heels . you've been warned , good people . ps : didja notice how i didn't even mention rear window once in my entire review ? i didn't want to taint the memory of the classic flick by having it uttered alongside this thing , but then again , i just did mention it , but i guess it doesn't count in the ps section . . . or does it ? ooooh , whatever . . . i have a headache ! ( i think my brain is coming back to life ) where's joblo coming from ? 10 things i hate about you ( 7/10 ) - coyote ugly ( 6 . 5/10 ) - down to you ( 6 . 5/10 ) - save the last dance ( 7/10 ) - she's all that ( 6 . 5/10 ) - the wedding planner ( 4/10 ) - you've got mail ( 5 . 5/10 ) for those interested in the true spirit of moviemaking - or what's left of it in mainstream hollywood - movie which are star vehicles are terrible things . as a rule , the ignore general principles of cinema because they are not made to advance the media but rather to advance the career of a particular actor . an actor might be chosen on the up-and-up , to give him exposure ; or he might be chosen on the way down to hand him a paycheck . generally , though , the actor doesn't matter , and soldier , the latest from the beleaguered warner brothers , exemplifies this : the picture lacks pizazz . the star for the vehicle in this case is kurt russell , otherwise known as the man of thirty words or less . russell plays todd , a human trained from birth in the ways of waging war and becoming emotionally distanced from the carnage he has wrought . the movie lets us see this degenerate process , but by the time the real plot starts , we're into todd's later years . he's about to be replaced by a new breed of soldiers , ones who , instead of being trained * from * birth , are genetically selected * before * birth . the pride of this class - caine 607 ( jason scott lee ) - will be our villain , and you know he's the villain because he has a staring contest with our hero near the movie's start . between the two leads , less than a full typed page of dialogue is spoken , and it's possible to imagine a script which is ninety percent stage direction . director paul anderson , who helmed last year's icy thriller , event horizon , doesn't show any inventiveness here and instead is content to let the actions play out on screen ad nauseam . todd , upon being replaced , is left to die on a garbage planet ; but in order to stretch the running time out , the villains return to the garbage planet on a " routine patrol " and set the stage for the final firefight . events are predictable from the time that the setups are made , and neither anderson nor scriptwriter david peoples attempts to show any creativeness here . the most annoying plot facet is the reason that the whole of the movie comes to be : todd fails to show physical superiority against caine - in fact , not even todd and two of his companions can best the baddie - but near the end of the movie he shows remarkable prowess with automatic weaponry . it's not as though todd undergoes any significant character changes throughout the plot of the story , and so the plot has a very canned feeling about it . the best route through this disaster is to take it lighthearted in spirit , and treat it as a parody of typical action fare , like universal soldier . a strict interpretation , however , reveals an unmistakeable and unforgiveable lack of style , class , or substance ; and by next year , a large percentage of the people who have seen this will have taped it off of network television . director doug ellin's kissing a fool , released earlier this year , is an aptly titled comedy about two plastic couples housed in an artificial story . like a sitcom with jokes so lame that it would be impossible to overlay a laugh track on it , the movie meanders along insulting the viewers' intelligence in almost every frame . the script by james frey and the director is filled with vapid actors who read meaningless lines you've heard before . ( " i'm not wearing any underwear , " the bimbo tells the famous sportscaster , max , in what she assumes will be a sure-fire come-on line . ) max , chicago's biggest playboy , decides to get married after a whirlwind love affair with sam , short for samantha . max and sam possess two irritating personalities , and they hold little chemistry for each other or the audience . max is played without any style by david schwimmer . schwimmer , whose acting talent is playing characters devoid of personality , makes an unlikely lover . his costar , mili avital as sam , is cut from the same cloth , so they can be argued to be a matched pair . after all , people of the same intelligence are naturally drawn to each other , ditto for similar looks , so why shouldn't the personality-challenged be attracted ? the implausible plot has max asking his best friend , jay ( jason lee ) , to hit on sam as a test . jay is supposed to try to get her to sleep with him , but stop short of the actual act . max , being promiscuous by nature , worries that his future bride may have the same need to sleep around as he does . the idea of flirting with the beautiful sam makes jay so sick that he becomes unable to eat or work . neither the script nor the actors make this test believable . " the 64 , 000 question is : how do you know you're with the wrong person so you can avoid wreaking havoc on major parts of your life ? " jay asks in one of the unsuccessful attempts at adding some seriousness to the film . finally , there is the film's attempt at physical comedy . jay's ex-girlfriend natasha ( vanessa angel ) becomes infatuated with jay again once she thinks he is going out with someone else . natasha rips jay's shirt open after pushing him down onto the sofa . as she throws her hair on his bare chest , she demands he pull it . this is supposed to be funny ? most films have some saving grace . some bit part was done especially well or some scene managed to be funny even if the rest of the picture wasn't . kissing a fool , on the other hand , has nothing to recommend it . kissing a fool runs 1 : 45 . it is rated r for profanity and sexuality and would be acceptable for most teenagers . i am continually amazed at movies like this . that some producer would waste an abundance of talent and money on a script as abysmal as this one is mind-boggeling , but it seems to happen a lot nowadays . " wild wild west " is a beautifully filmed , well acted , and well directed piece of garbage ; and its insipid screenplay is completely at fault . in short , this movie is a comedy without laughs . so many jokes fall flat that it borderlines surreal . the high production values keep it from being a total fiasco , but it's still pretty boring . will smith stars as jim west , an old western , r&b variation of the james bond character . west is teamed up with artemus gordon ( kevin kline ) , and they're pretty much polar oppisites : west prefers to solve his problems with an array of bullets , gordon traditionally favors a more pacifistic approach . talk about deeply developed characters . at any rate , this leads to the inevitable conflicts between methodologies , none of which are funny . the year is 1869 . several top scientists have been abducted , and the suspected culprit is a disgruntled former confederate general , bloodbath mcgrath ( ted levine ) . president grant sends west and gordon to investigate . there's evidence that mcgrath is attending some sort of confederate reunion in louisiana . west and gordon show up and learn that mcgrath is actually working for dr . arliss loveless ( kenneth branagh ) , another disgruntled former confederate . as it turns out , loveless plans to use the combined knowledge of the scientests to create the ultimate super weapon , which he will use to conquer the united states . i'd go further with the plot , but there isn't any point . this film's narrative is little more than a jumbled , unfunny mess . i only laughed at a couple of jokes , and then only lightly . there isn't one truly uprorously funny moment in this film , and that's pretty disasterous when you consider that it's primarily a comedy . as i said , the fault is totally that of the script . when you consider their respective roles , will smith and kevil kline do as good as they could have possibly done . the leads could've been played samuel l . jackson and robert de niro and the film still would've been awful . no one , and i mean no one , can make a line like " bye bye , mr . knife guy ! " sound good . still , this film has a lot going for it visually . the set design is fantastic , maybe even oscar worthy . the cinematogrophy by michael ballhaus ( who was also behind camera in martin scorsese's brilliant " goodfellas " ) , is absolutely stunning . he lends the film a much needed exciting , comic bookish look . i won't fault barry sonnenfeld either . he does a fine job of directing the proceedings , but , like the rest of the people involved with the film , there really isn't anything that he can do to correct its one major flaw . despite being beautifully made , " wild wild west " becomes quite boring after the half-way point . the appeal of the visuals ends long before the film does . if " wild wild west " didn't look so good , it would be almost insufferable . as it is , it's somewhat tolerable , but not very entertaining . it hurts to give such a well made movie a score this low , but there isn't anything much worse than an unfunny comedy . this talky , terribly-plotted thriller stars alec baldwin as dave robicheaux , an ex-new orleans cop who gets ensnared in a murder- mystery after a light-plane crashes into the bayou beside his fishing boat . he and his wife annie ( kelly lynch ) rescue a little salvadorian girl ( samantha lagpacan ) from the wreckage and that's when the trouble begins . the other major players include a local drug lord ( eric roberts ) , his scheming wife ( teri hatcher ) , a soused stripper ( mary stuart masterson ) , and a shady dea agent ( vondie curtis hall ) . everyone knows everyone else and it makes for a collective that's curious but never compelling . based on the book by james lee burke , heaven's prisoners is so badly plotted that entire * scenes * seem to be missing . early on , we have no idea of why dave and annie keep the child to themselves . nor how they eluded both the coast guard and the faa . later , dave is reunited with a drug-abuser who appears seemingly clean and sober and without any explanation . huh ? the whole movie is like this , perhaps the result of some unkind cuts that happened during the eighteen months that the film sat on the shelf . whatever the reason , somebody should tell director phil joanou ( final analysis ) to recut this mess . in its present form , heaven's prisoners runs only two hours plus change , but it feels like four . spoiled rich kid kelley morse ( chris klein ) receives a new mercedes for a graduation present . he and his buddies take it for a joyride to a small nearby town , where he proceeds to torment the locals simply because he's rich and they're not . he ends up provoking jasper ( josh hartnett ) into a race and as a result , the local gas station and diner are destroyed when they crash into it . kelley is sentenced to rebuild the diner , and has to live with jasper in a spare room over his family's barn . jasper's girlfriend sam ( leelee sobieski ) soon takes a liking to kelley however , despite the fact that 1 ) it was her family's diner that was destroyed and b ) all kelley does is sit around , sulk , and smart off to the townspeople . but when she sees him sweaty and shirtless , that's apparently all she needs to lose her feelings for jasper ( whose only fault seems to be a perpetual case of hat hair ) . so sobieski soon falls in love with kelley , especially after the day she follows him through the woods and hears him giving his graduation speech ( which he was unable to deliver because he caused the destruction of property and nearly killed dozens of people ) . in the speech , kelley quotes a poem by robert frost , which just so happens to be sam's favorite poem as well . awwwww . soon they're frolicking around in the fields and for some reason waste no time letting people in town ( especially jasper's best friend ) see them together . kelley continues to make an ass of himself in town , especially when he shows up at the town dance , drunk and steaming because sam went with jasper . kelley runs off and decides to leave town . sam catches up to him at the bus station and he asks her to come to boston with him . jasper shows up and tearfully confesses to sam just how much he loves her , and sam , without even breaking stride basically says " see ya ! " and takes off to boston with kelley . here on earth goes in so many wrong directions from the start that by the time its fairly decent ending comes around , its completely worthless . chris klein and leelee sobieski are two of my current favorite young performers , and it's because of their presence that i watched this film in the first place . however , not long into the proceedings i wanted to just reach into the film and strangle them both . i shouldn't have such feelings towards people i like , but their characters are so infuriating that . . . well trust me , you'll feel the same way . even though both of the lead male characters are usually in the wrong , kelley is hands down the more unlikable of the two , simply because his jerkish actions are calculated . he intends to be a jackass each and every time he does it . jasper on the other hand , only reacts to kelley's provocations , and afterwards comes across as being truly sorry for his impulsive actions . but , as in life , nice guys finish last . for the entire film we watch sam fall in love with the guy no one likes while the film's only sympathetic character gets completely crushed . then , a cancer subplot comes into play ( where things get even more infuriating , if you can imagine that ) . what , things weren't depressing enough for you mr . screenwriter ? who greenlit this project ? who " on earth " thought this would entertain anyone ? perhaps if the film had been structured where kelley perhaps felt some remorse after he caused the destruction of property and nearly killed dozens of people . but even after he's destroyed these people's lives he continues to be a snob to them , and ruins one more for good measure . here on earth is available on dvd from fox home entertainment . it contains the film in its original theatrical aspect ratio of 1 . 85 : 1 and is enhanced for 16x9 televisions . extras include jessica simpson's music video for " where you are " , a commercial for the film's soundtrack ( which by the way is the only good thing about the film ) , the original theatrical trailer and five tv spots , trailers for other fox releases ( anna and the king , anywhere but here , the beach , drive me crazy , ever after , romeo + juliet , simply irresistible ) , as well as that new fox promo touting their upcoming dvd releases that i really enjoy . the picture and sound quality on the disc are fine . . . nothing that will challenge anyone's audio/video systems of course . fans of this movie ( if any exist ) should enjoy the dvd release . here on earth is not entertaining nor is it compelling . no joy or entertainment value can be derived from any of the events of the film . it is merely a waste of time , money and talent . some movies' pre-release buzz is so insistent on their high oscar potential that when they're finally released , everyone just goes along with it . thus sometimes , films unworthy of any award sans the razzie become oscar hopefuls and some even score nominations . last year it was the thin red line . this year's " winner " is the hurricane , pure unadulterated tripe that is all of a sudden being received with critical plaudits and votes in the office oscar pool . acclaimed director norman jewison's biopic retreads all the conventions of courtroom movies without any of the fun . and that's supposed to be ok because , see , it's a true story . it's about rubin " hurricane " carter ( denzel washington ) , a legendary african american prizefighted who is unjustly convicted of triple homicide with the help of a ghastly ( racist ! ) detective ( dan hedaya ) who's had it in for the " big-shot " hurricane ever since he arrested him for stabbing a white man with a knife ( in self-defense but who cares , right ? ) when rubin was only ten . he is to serve three life sentences with no possibility of parole . most of the film takes place when he is in his 15th year in prison . to the rescue -- lesra martin ( vicellous reon shannon ) and his team of wanna-be detectives . lesra is an african american teenager taken in by three well-off canadian white people ( hanna , unger , schreiber ) to get an education . lesra and his buddies go to a book sale where lesra picks out his very first book -- " the sixteenth round , " rubin's autobiography . immediately thereafter , schreiber's character tells lesra " sometimes we don't pick the books we read , they pick us . " hmmm . after a few visits to the prison , they become convinced of rubin's innocence and launch their own full-scale investigation even though two juries have convicted him . they meticulously go through all the files and revisit all the old witnesses ( i wonder if any of them might be cranky old women who slam the door in their faces ? ) and in the course of their relentlessy tedious sleuthing uncover obvious evidence confirming the hurricane's innocence that was either ignored or never seeked out during the first two proceedings . of course , we're already told that he's innocent . a movie like this is especially frustrating because we're not being shown everything significant that happened to carter during this period in his life . all too obviously , we're getting the hollywood watered- down version . that would be ok except that the parts we are getting is milked for every single drop of melodrama that the filmmakers could possibly squeeze out of it . it's almost cruel . the melodrama isn't of the entertaining kind either ; it's the hokey , rammed-down-your-throat variety where every emotion is exaggerated to the point of absurdity . witness the villain ferociously grinding his teeth at the final trial or the constant pseudo-saintliness of our four protagonists . the hurricane is your basic courtroom movie except it's a no-frills courtroom movie . it's formula stripped to the bare necessities . you have your wrongly accused black man . you have your melodramatic final courtroom scene . but there's nothing else . you'd expect some sort of involving investigation . but that's not necessary since we're implicitly informed of his innocence . thus the whole middle portion of the movie is reduced to the protagonist brooding . brooding to himself . brooding to other inmates . brooding to lesra . brooding to lesra's canadian friends . brooding in letters . i don't think i'll ever look at brooding the same way again . it wasn't long before i got tired of hearing the hurricane's exceedingly deep meditations on his condition . i wanted something to happen . as for washington's performance in the title role -- i figured i'd have to address it sooner or later considering the amount of attention it's received -- he is top notch , though still boring . how is that possible ? well , he does what jewison wanted him to do perfectly . unfortunately what jewison asked him to do is a load of crap . what a waste of a great performer . speaking of wastes , why the hell did john hannah agree to do this ? he's an extremely talented actor and i love him dearly , but what is he doing here ? to call his character ( along with schreiber's and unger's ) a stick figure would be a gross understatement . all three of them come off as veritable mother theresas , as benevolent as do-gooders come . if they're to play a major part in this movie , why not make them real people , with real feelings and emotions ? look : if you're going to make a formula movie , don't undermine the formula . courtroom dramas can be fun , but this is ridiculous . not only is it trite , it's boring . all feature film directors who cut their teeth on music videos , please raise your hands . thank you for identifying yourselves ; now would you all please go away . your influence has to rank as one of the most annoying trends in filmmaking in the last decade , and it shows no sign of abating any time soon . it isn't just the strobe light quality of your twenty-cuts-per-minute editing , or the numbing over-use of popular music artists on the soundtracks which makes me suspicious of any film advertised " featuring the music of . . . " no , it is a kind of cynicism you have perfected , banking on the idea that no one will care about the lack of a story if you include enough bells and whistles . welcome to the club , scott kalvert . your adaptation of the basketball diaries is loud and one-dimensional , serving only as the vehicle for a performance by leonardo dicaprio that is better in pieces than it is as a whole . dicaprio stars as jim carroll , the new york poet/songwriter/ performer on whose autobiographical writings the film is based . as the film opens , jim is a budding high school basketball star given to petty thievery and getting drunk with buddies mickey ( mark wahlberg ) , pedro ( james madio ) and neutron ( patrick mcgaw ) . one night , jim graduates from inhalants to cocaine , and shortly thereafter to heroin . jim's addiction to the drug starts him on a downhill spiral , as he is kicked off the basketball team by his coach ( bruno kirby ) , kicked out of his home by his mother ( lorraine bracco ) , and drops out of school . along with mickey and pedro , jim becomes a victim of the street , living from fix to fix and sinking lower and lower . the basketball diaries has been bouncing around as a project for years , but the sticking point has always been that jim carroll as a character was too unsympathetic and too much a loner . screenwriter bryan goluboff created the three characters who act as carroll's posse , resulting in a jim carroll who is just as unsympathetic , but now with equally unsympathetic friends . as a film , the basketball diaries may be intended primarily as a cautionary tale , a 100 minute long " just say no " public service announcement , but as drama it is monumentally ineffective because it is impossible to care much about anyone in the movie . jim is sort of a jerk even before he becomes a junkie , but i suppose that his pseudo-sensitive poetry and his devotion to his terminally ill friend are intended to balance that out . perhaps we are expected to see jim as one of those " good kids who falls in with the wrong crowd " that every parent believes his or her troubled child to be ; i saw him simply as part of the bad crowd . without a character who changes in any appreciable way , the basketball diaries rapidly degenerates into a collection of crimes committed by jim and his strung-out cohorts , all choreographed to an oppressively loud soundtrack . director scott kalvert doesn't have many scenes with intrinsic dramatic impact with which to work , so he substitutes silly slow-motion photography , self-consciously funky camera angles and choppy editing . on only one occasion , when a steady pan around a room where jim is trying to detox makes it appear that the walls are closing in , are any of the gimmicks effective . mostly , they just draw attention to how hollow the story is . they also don't allow leonardo dicaprio's performance to be as strong as it could have been . for every impressive moment , like his desperate attempt to get his mother to give him money , there is a scene where kalvert pulls too much of the focus to his own camera theatrics . dicaprio is most effective when he is playing off other actors , particularly a fine sequence featuring ernie hudson as an ex-junkie who tries to help jim straighten out , but kalvert won't let character interaction define this story . he wants to turn dicaprio into a rock star , shooting him in dramatic fashion but denying him the opportunity to do much acting . at isolate moments , the basketball diaries is a fine showcase for dicaprio's talents . far more frequently , it looks like kalvert is trying to imagine what a long form velvet underground video might have looked like . depending on your degree of cinematic acumen , last man standing is either a ) a prohibition-era remake of akira kurosawa's 1961 classic yojimbo ; b ) a prohibition-era remake of sergio leone's 1964 classic a fistful of dollars ; c ) a prohibition-era action drama with a completely original story-line . new line is certainly counting on the fact that there are far more potential viewers in category ( c ) than in the other two combined , much as the recent remakes of diabolique and the vanishing counted on avoiding such comparisons . the fact is that there is yet another way of looking at last man standing , which is as the first film version of the story which nods to the _real_ source material , the dashiell hammett novel _red harvest_ . it also shows that kurosawa and leone knew better what to do with that material than hammett himself . this time around , the man with no name is played by bruce willis , a fellow with a shady history of an undefined nature who rolls into the texas border town of jericho one day on his way to mexico . by all appearances , jericho is well on its way to becoming a ghost town , with the few remaining inhabitants generally belonging to one of two bootlegging operations fighting for control of liquor coming over the border . one is headed by an irishman named doyle ( david patrick kelly ) ; the other is run by chicago-connected italian mobster strozzi ( ned eisenberg ) . calling himself john smith , the man decides that there is money to be made from the conflict , and hires himself out as an enforcer to doyle's side . but smith's allegiance is as uncertain as his name , and he begins to play the two sides against each other while trying to stay one step ahead of both of them . viewers familiar with both previous incarnations of this story will find virtually nothing radically changed from a plotting standpoint , and that alone should make last man standing somewhat more respectable than other recent hollywood remakes-cum-bastardizations . there is the happily ineffectual lawman ( bruce dern ) , the unhappily detained object of one of the bosses' affections ( karina lombard ) , the barkeep who becomes our anti-hero's only friend ( william sanderson ) , suspicious lieutenants ( christopher walken and michael imperioli ) to question the bosses' trust in smith , a brutal beating , and a big fire . director walter hill gives the proceedings his usual injection of steroids , including a pair of guns for willis which have the ability to propel an assailant backward with sufficient thrust to achieve escape velocity , but at least he doesn't try to turn the story into a slasher film or a buddy picture . what he _does_ do is nearly as big a mistake , and that is to provide a running voice-over narration by willis which rings of the standard hard-boiled style of pulp detective fiction . yes , that narration is full of cliches , but those are are not particularly troubling . the problem is that both yojimbo and a fistful of dollars succeeded largely on the inscrutability of their lead characters . they were a mystery , to the other characters in the film and to the audience , their motives never entirely clear even after they have acted , and that quality contributed to their almost mythical status . with john smith's voice chattering on in the background and allowing us into his every thought , he becomes more mundane , just another tough guy trying to stay alive . it feels like a hammett novel , all right , and hill can plead faithfulness to his text for his choice , but it simply doesn't work . the narration allows the man with no name to take us into his confidence , and the man with no name takes _no one_ into his confidence . even if you walk into last man standing as a blank slate , i can't imagine it being much more than a heavily armed minor distraction . willis tones down his macho swagger as the taciturn smith , but there is still a level on which he always seems like he is counting on being tougher than everyone else rather than smarter than everyone else . christopher walken plays doyle's brutal henchman as a slight variation on his gallery of soft-spoken psychos , and there isn't another single character whom makes even the slightest impression . with no compelling antagonist for smith , there is no build-up towards the expected showdown , and when it does come , that showdown is over so quickly you wonder what all the fuss was about . cinematographer lloyd ahern ( who also did the only noteworthy work on hill's 1995 flop wild bill ) creates some nifty sunburned vistas , but his work is only to keep the eye distracted between the spurts of gunfire and the next bit of counter-productive narration . sometimes when someone sees a lackluster remake of a revered original , they'll wonder what all the talk was about . in the case of last man standing , it is those who know the originals who will wonder what all that talking was about . okay , bear with me y'all , cause first off i have to get this off my chest : what the hell is up with that damn crab ? ? ? whew . okay . cause that same clip shown over and over again was beginning to get on my nerves towards the end , as cute as the crab maybe . even i know that you need more footage than * that * . and that wasn't the only thing getting on my nerves . the cutesy gimmicks , saccharine sweet score / soundtrack and the pretty young faces of sarah michelle gellar ( as amanda ) and sean patrick flannery ( as tom ) might have held some appeal during , oh , say the first 10 minutes of the movie . at first the movie moves along at a quick , interesting pace . it is speedily established that something magical is about to happen to amanda when she encounters a totally random fairy godfather type person on the street , whose aforementioned crab follows her everywhere and just * doesn't * die . a ridiculous concept , yes , but at this point i'm willing to accept it because i'm willing to accept that this is how amanda's life is changed , how her powers are received . later on , the movie can't seem to decide whether these powers come from this fairy godfather or from amanda falling in with tom . and this is why the clips of the crab were annoying ; they weren't just repetitive , they were out of place and unnecessary . the plot stumbles along at an uneven speed , sometimes dwelling too long on a particular development ( amanda suddenly becoming a great chef , her falling in love with tom , etc . ) , sometimes moving on too quickly for its own good . some places the plot just doesn't make sense , sometimes it's way too contrived ( the crab bit , for example ) , and sometimes too corny ( peaches emitting dry ice . can't beat that ) . all in all the plot seemed fragmented , unconnected . not romantic at all , and only funny in some places . so , okay , do the magic powers come from the crab ? or the fairy godfather ? she can * float * now too ? and all of a sudden , instead of just making dry ice come out of peaches , she can put her emotions into her food ? tom all of a sudden just accepts amanda's " witchcraft " in the end ? would people really dine in a restaurant that resembles life after death in tupac's video ? what the hell is up with that damn crab ? it is unfortunate , because i liked the basic premise of the movie , until it became too fantastical and tiresome . the film seemed to skirt around a serious theme or at least * a * theme for a while , but towards the end it resolved to show us long flashback clips and 5 minutes of people crying at their tables . the humor was good in some places ( nolan gets the funniest bits , including that incomprehensible , totally random thing with the dolls ) . gellar and flannery are qualified actors , and gellar has a particular charm , but i much prefer her playing the saucy buffy ( or even annette in the upcoming " cruel intentions " ) than this sorry excuse for a character . it's almost funny sometimes to see these two trying so hard to make the dialogue sound better than it is , or trying to make the relationship seem more plausible . the supporting character nolan was a highlight , though he reminded me a bit of kevin in " you've got mail " ( see footnotes ) . and , as always , typical of a chick flick / romantic comedy , there's a seemingly endless romantic soundtrack in the background , cued up at all the right places . this sort of got on the nerves after a while , too . " simply irresistible " is not hard to understand , light , funny in some places , and generally disappointing because it can't draw the line between romance and protracted sap , between humor and tired slapstick . and how could i refrain from making a pun ? . . . " simply irresistible " is all too easy to resist . ( first viewing , 2/6/99 ) * did anyone else think this was a tad bit similar to " you've got mail " ( or " the shop around the corner " ) ? business rivals fall in love . female counterpart's business is in danger of being shut down . female as mother- like figure guiding her . the annoying , hysterical ex-girlfriends . * i _really_ like sarah michelle gellar's wardrobe . i went to blair witch project 2 : book of shadows with the highest of hopes . the original film , released last summer , was genuinely scary and terrifying ; i hoped that this movie would live up to its predecessor . unfortunately , my hopes were soon dashed . as the movie opens , the audience is shown pseudo-documentary clips of burkittsville , maryland residents being interviewed about the sudden tourist influx to their town as a result of the original blair witch project movie . it's a mostly humorous , self-aware poke at the media hype and hysteria surrounding the first film . during this segment , we are introduced to the protagonist , a young man who sells blair witch-related memorabilia from his website . the movie then cuts to a title that informs us that what we are about to see occurred one year previously . we see the same young man that was selling blair witch paraphernalia , but now he is confined in a mental institution the sort of which one only finds in bad horror movies . we see him having some sort of disgusting white goo unconvincingly forced down his nose while a cigarette-smoking doctor luridly leers above him . we see him throwing himself wildly around a padded room ; we see him cowering naked in a shower stall as a fire hose is turned on him . no explanation is provided for why he is in the mental institution ; in fact , these scenes are barely referred to again . i had a sinking feeling during these opening scenes ; generally , a hospital scene that is set with poor lighting , filthy interiors , and evil doctors is a sure sign that you are in the throes of a truly horrible movie . the movie cuts again , this time to the present . the young man , whose name is jeffrey ( played by jeffrey donovan -- as in the first movie , the character names are identical to the actors' names , although this movie admits up front that it is fictional , so there's no reason for the practice this time around ) , is rounding up a group of people that he will be leading into the woods that weekend for the " blair witch hunt , " which is a promotional gimmick he came up with and sells on his website . we meet tristen and steven , a young couple who are writing a book about the blair witch experience . steven is a skeptic , believing the whole thing to be the result of mass hysteria . tristen , on the other hand , believes that there may be some truth to the rumors of supernatural occurrence . she is wan and soft-spoken ; she complains that the radio is playing too loudly . ( she also complains that she feels nauseated ; i knew immediately that the character was pregnant , and my intuition was confirmed a few scenes later when kim psychomagically susses it out . how did i know ? because in bad movies , nauseated women are always pregnant . ) the fourth member of their party is erica , a wiccan with flowing hair and wide eyes who wants to prove that the blair witch was a good witch , not evil . they pick up the fifth and final team member in a cemetery . kim is dressed completely in black , has extreme goth-style makeup on , and occasionally displays seemingly psychic abilities , but otherwise seems to be the most intelligent and reasonable person out of the entire bunch . presumably she wanted to be picked up in the cemetery just for dramatic effect ; it's never explained . the party of five heads off into the woods as promised . they reach the crumbling ruins of the foundation of rustin parr's house and set up camp , complete with extensive video equipment with which to record the night's events . there is a brief encounter with a rival blair witch tour group who had planned to camp at that site as well , but after a few words are exchanged , the rival group huffs off and makes camp elsewhere . the movie veers off at this point to spend many long , long minutes showing the drinking party that ensues after the sun goes down . sexual innuendoes are tossed around , much hard liquor , beer , and pot is consumed , and nothing much else happens . this would be a great point to get up and go to the bathroom if necessary . the next day , the team wakes up and discovers that their camera equipment has been completely trashed , and that steven and tristen's manuscript paper is fluttering down from the sky in shreds , like snow . the videotapes are missing , but thanks to a psychic intuition from kim , they discover the videotapes buried underneath the foundation of the house , " right where the original blair witch tapes were found ! " ooh . spooky . the team goes back to jeffrey's house -- a creepy old civil war-era warehouse in the heart of the woods -- to regroup and review the tapes . they soon discover that the tapes mysteriously skip five hours of the night . wacky hijinks ensue . tristen starts having weird dreams in which she is the blair witch , everybody starts finding these weird rune-like burn marks on their bodies , steven and erica have some highly disturbing mutual hallucinations , and everything pretty much goes to hell in a handbasket . throughout the entire ordeal , jeffrey and the others continue to scrutinize the videotapes , which seem to have some kind of weird images on them at about the point that the time jumps ; eventually tristen wanders in , mutters something about " reverse , " and from this they somehow realize that they have to play the tapes backwards . when they do this , they discover what really happened during the five lost hours . ( one of the things they see on the videotape is footage of themselves burying the videotapes . okay , if the videotapes were being buried , then how were they recording themselves . . . oh , nevermind . ) this movie was awful . simply awful . the characters are broadly-drawn caricatures that are never allowed any depth or development . erica is the nature-loving wiccan . tristen is the weak and sympathetic woman . steven is the overbearing asshole . kim is the antisocial goth girl . old , tired cliches were used to illustrate these caricatures . how do we know tristen is weak and sympathetic ? because she's pregnant ! how do we know kim is an antisocial goth girl ? because she wears a lot of eye makeup ! how do we know the local sheriff is a bad guy ? because he has jagged teeth and talks like he's straight out of " deliverance " ! this is weak storytelling at its worst . rather than taking the time to flesh out the characters and make them truly sympathetic , the writer chose to give each one a few stereotypical characteristics , in an attempt to use some cinematic shorthand and thereby skip straight to the action . it didn't work . on top of being poorly developed , most of the characters were either seriously unlikable or patently stupid . ( " honey , you just had a miscarriage out in the woods and got medical attention at a hospital that looks like it belongs in a bad slasher movie . let's get on a plane home . " " no . i am having these bizarre nightmares and seeing strange visions and i want to find out what's going on . " " ok . " ) frankly , by the end of the movie , i was rooting for the witch . i also felt that there was simply too much blood 'n' gore in this film . the first movie worked by never showing us the horror . the witch was a palpable presence in that movie , but we never saw it ; we never saw anything , in fact . the horror was all off-screen , and thus our imaginations worked overtime to envision what it might possibly be . this is the hallmark of a truly creepy and disturbing horror movie . blair witch 2 dispensed with such niceties and went straight for the gross-out . this was evident from the opening scenes of the mad doctors forcing white goo down jeffrey's throat , and continued throughout the film as the audience is treated to occasional confusing and disorienting footage of what appears to be a ritual massacre of some sort . knives plunge into flesh , bloody fingers trail off into the darkness , and none of it is explained until the very end , when it was too late for me to care . this movie didn't stop with showing us the gore , either ; it went for broke and showed us everything . by the end of the movie , there are no questions remaining about the missing five hours . it is all explained ; in fact , it is all shown on-screen in loving detail . i confess to being someone who prefers horror movies in which you never see the monster , or see only brief glimpses , mere suggestions of what the monster is ; it is not because i find the monster so terrifying , but because i find the absence of the monster to be infinitely more terrifying . i have seen interviews with the director in which he suggested that there is no " monster , " that all of the evil was perpetrated only by the human mind . i found this to be a miserably poor explanation ; if it was in fact the director's intent , then he needs to have some words with the writer , because it was not made clear at all . ( i know a lot of people who like to go to parties and get drunk and stoned out of their minds ; none of them has ever gone on a murderous rampage and then experienced mass hallucinations with a group of other people for the next week or so . and if there was no witch , then what about the vanishing tree ? the snowfall of manuscript paper ? hm ? ) blair witch 2 : book of shadows was a horrible movie . from the poorly-written characters to the implausible story to the plot inconsistencies to the gross-out shots , it was a bad effort through and through . i'm giving this stinker . normally , the worst that i would ever rate a movie would be . but the total waste of time that is blazing saddles is , compounded by the fact that this movie is incredibly offensive , helped me come to the big goose egg . i'm not sure what the hell mel brooks was thinking when he made this thing , or if he was even thinking at all . maybe in mel's little mind a horse being knocked unconscious because of a punch to the face is funny . in mine , it's not . or maybe mel graduated from the spike lee school of filmmaking . because only the self-righteous lee uses the n-word more often in his films than brooks did in this one . at least lee has the smarts to realize that nobody is going to find that term amusing . brooks bandies it about like he figures the audience will be rolling in the aisles every time they hear it . wrong mel ! i would call you a boob mel , but that insults breasts everywhere . this idiotic attempt at a comedy centers on the evil lieutenant governor's ( harvey korman ) attempts to clear out a town so he can buy up the land cheap and sell it to the railroad . he sends his goons to run the townsfolk out . but the town appeals to the governor ( mel brooks in one of many uninspired , and unfunny roles ) to send them a new sheriff to protect them . the governor pawns the task off to korman's character hedley lamarr . ( i can tell you are rolling off your chairs right now just thinking of all the humor in that name . ) lamarr decides to send the town a black sheriff ( gasp ) in the hopes that the town will be so disgusted at the prospect of a black man living among them that they will all just leave . hold on , i've got to stop while these gales of laughter pass . it's just too funny . racism passing as humor -- gosh why didn't anybody ever think of that one before ? oh wait , i think somebody might have -- they are called the kkk . i'm not calling brooks a racist -- but i am calling him an insensitive bastard who wouldn't know what was funny if it hit him over the head . but i digress . anyway , the black sheriff rides into town amid a flurry of townsfolk using the n-word . golly , will the hilarity just never end ? he ends up joining forces with a drunk ( gene wilder ) , who happens to be the former fastest gun in the west . together , they save the day from evil . not one person in this movie gives a decent performance . wilder looks like he is recovering from a head injury for most of the movie , and korman looks embarrassed to be a part of the movie . ok , he really didn't -- but he should have . the films star cleavon little goes along with the black jokes as if they were discussing the time of day . i did not laugh once during this whole sorry experience . i admit to starting to snicker on a couple of occasions . actually , the end started to look as if it was going to have some promise , but alas , it ended up being as crappy as the rest of the movie . i can say with full confidence that blazing saddles has no redeeming qualities whatsoever . mel brooks would be doing the world a favor if he burned every last copy of this film . 2 days in the valley is more or less a pulp fiction knock off . it basically involves how a bunch of quirky characters in the los angeles area end up having their lives become intertwined in some very unusual ways . i'm not going into much greater detail than that , since it would take forever to explain , and quite frankly , i'm not willing to spend any more time on it than the 2 hours that i've already wasted . while it tries very hard to be pulp fiction , 2 days in the valley falls way short . this is quite a condemnation considering the cast includes danny aiello , james spader and jeff daniels . while the story isn't much , and the dialogue and characters rate only marginally better , 2 days in the valley does have a couple of bright spots . james spader's character , while not much better than the rest , is at least fun to watch in a sick sort of way . and we do get to see a nice cat fight between uber babes teri hatcher and charlize theron ( in her first role ) . you know a movie isn't that good when the highlight is a brawl between two women . even if they are both gorgeous . i will give the writers some credit for the fairly clever ways in which they managed to intersect the lives of this group of characters that would have otherwise never interacted . but marveling at that ingenuity is a far cry from actually enjoying the result . while some of the characters and their respective stories are fairly interesting , they inevitably are brought down as they intersect with the other half of the characters that i really cared absolutely nothing about . if i were to put a number on it , only about half of the story and half the characters in this movie were particularly interesting or otherwise enjoyable to watch . this is the sort of movie that only a huge fan of one or more of the cast members should rent , and even then prepare for disappointment . not even charlize theron being naked would get me to sit through this movie again . or at least not all of it anyway . what would inspire someone who cannot write or act to pen and star in a movie ? a better question , what would inspire a studio to produce said movie ? if you have an answer , let me know . foolish , the new movie written by and starring master p is a jaw-droppingly horrible film , one with no redeeming value socially , cinematically or otherwise . comedically it has some potential , but only in its stand-up comedy moments , which i can turn on comedy central for . master p stars as fifty dollah' ( beat that ! ) as a mobster ( i think ) who is trying to start a comedy club/act with his little brother foolish ( eddie griffin ) . but the two of them have to deal with an angry mob boss ( played by andrew dice clay , for the very first time entertaining ) , a stubborn club owner and family problems ( the latter in foolish is a perfect example of roger ebert's " idiot plot , " if everyone here wasn't an idiot , there would be no problem ) so what does foolish have to offer beside a bunch of idiotic character names ? not a hell of a lot . as i have mentioned , master p cannot act or write . he acts like the rapper that he is . the occasional despair that his script requires him to exhibit is excruciatingly forced , as are his warm and fuzzy scenes with his little bro . as for his script -- well , i suppose he delivers what one would expect from a musical artist with no previous screenwriting experience . if you haven't yet figured it out , that is not saying much . co-star eddie griffin ( really the star of the show ) is quite a different story . the fact of the matter is that griffin , whose most significant screen outing to date is probably the mildly successful tv show malcolm and eddie on the fledgling upn network , is an extremely talented comedian , stand-up and otherwise . he has much in common with chris tucker ( rush hour , money talks ) in how quickly and effortlessly his speech flows from his lips . he spouts profanity with impressive dexterity ( to the extent which that can be done ) , and while i hope that does not become his trademark it works in a few scenes in this movie . and indeed , i laughed at a few stand-up scenes here , but from a feature-length movie i expect more . foolish provided me with no reason to care for these characters . every scene which has any potential for dramatic impact is effectively diffused by either a stupid joke ( in a scene where tension escalates between the two brothers , foolish blurts out towards his jewelry-sporting sibling " you lay one hand on me and this cemetary is going to be a gold rush " ) or something even more idiotic such as foolish smashing his own car ( to which i said , a bit too loudly for the occasion " huh ? " ) after getting slightly upset with his wife . believe me when i say that there is nothing in foolish that warrants parting with your hard-earned $8 . you'll get more laughs from watching 30 minutes of comedy central or any virtually any sitcom if you don't have cable . eddie griffin fans may enjoy this derivative ( although offensive ) yarn , but everyone else should stay the hell away . ‰ ; synopsis : a novelist struggling with his latest work buys a weird brain with a protruding eyeball encased in a jar . the brain exerts its evil influence upon the novelist and his secretary , while his wife disapproves . meanwhile , a loan shark in need of a shave tries to leave his profession . comments : why is this movie called possessed by the night ? it's hard to speculate . most of this film takes place during the day , and the only thing possessing anyone is an icky , pulsating , bubbling brain thingie in a jar . in case you haven't picked up on this yet , possessed by the night is a bottom-of-the-barrel " thriller " ( i use the term " thriller " loosely here ) which is really cheap and bad . the plot , which sounds like a cheesy pulp science fiction story from the 1950s , actually serves one purpose : to exploit nude women as often as possible . writing a movie review for a film like this proves oddly challenging . there's really not much to say . the acting is lousy ; although , occasionally , the attempts at acting are so absurd that they garner a chuckle or two from the audience . most humorous is frank sivero , who plays murray , the novelist's agent . he is so horrible in this role that one can't help but be amused . the plot sucks . nearly half the film is devoted to a loser loan shark who wants out of the profession , even though he has only limited relevance to the movie as a whole . the dialogue stinks . a loan shark , for instance , tells another how much he loves bimbos , which is something the audience really doesn't need to know . everything about possessed by the night is second rate , even the film credits . as the names of the not-so-talented film crew scrolled by at the end , joseph scales came up , credited as being " assistsant to foley artist . " someone could have used an editor ! to be honest , the film is basically an excuse to flash frontal nudity and show some sex scenes . playboy playmate shannon tweed , after all , is the star here . i suppose that if one wanted this sort of thing , he would like this movie . why did i give this turkey two stars and not one ? as a bad movie , it is unintentionally funny enough to keep someone passingly interested in the film . if you feel possessed to see possessed by the night , however , i'd recommend you exorcise this impulse and watch something else . okay , okay . maybe i wasn't in the mood to watch a mindless action movie ; i am the same person that liked lethal weapon iii , even while admitting that it wasn't as good as the others . howewer , the latest segal picture didn't look that bad , and since none of my friends would go see a woody allen movie even if i paid them , i went to see it expecting a mild die hard rehash . boy , was i wrong ! in the first half of the movie , we are already assaulted with segal's acting , ( he is not simply wooden ; he is like a wall ) , gratuitous violence , an incredible plot , sexist and even more gratuitous nudity , and bad lines that obviously were meant as jokes . by the end , it is obvious that hundreds of navy men are no match for thirty armed special forces soldiers . not once in the movie did segal appear worried or undecided , which did not do much for increasing the unexistent suspense . of course , in movies like these , there must be a sidekick , and a love interest . in these one we are given a two for one package in the form of a playboy model ( in the movie ) , which only functions as a supposed comic relief ( by the way of extremely stupid unfunny lines ) , and to have watering eyes and look away every time something bad happens in the movie . oh , of course , she appears naked from the waist up , and , of course , segal kisses her at the end after no development of their relationship ; they did not even seem to be interested in each other . i have never seen so little chemistry between two people in a movie . often , the villain saves the movie ; unfortunately , the villains here are cartoonish , stupid and unfunny , unmenacing . how many movies have psycho ex-special forces bad guys ? too many . i was able to predict the action all throughout the movie , including the moment where the sidekick saves the hero from certain death , the scene where the bad guy can kill the hero but proceeds to explain his plan to him , the scene where we are shown the hero's superiors are stupid , the scene where the bad guy loses his gun and has to fight the hero hand to hand , etc . . . simply said , this is movie-making by the numbers , boring , and potentially offensive in going for the lowest common denominator of the audience . my recommendation : if you go see it , bring a watch . you'll be looking at it for most of the movie . my . rent die hard . read a book . stare at the sky . do not waste your time on this worthless piece of celluloid . the real sad thing is that there are a lot of movies out that i would rather have seen ; once again , dragged in by my friends , which by the way , liked the movie halfheartedly . they probably like wrestling too : - ) . in life , eddie murphy and martin lawrence play two young men wrongfully convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison . after about an hour of watching this movie , you begin to realize how their characters feel . fortunately , for audience members there's a chance to escape the nearest exit . this , undoubtedly , is eddie murphy's worst movie and that's an accomplishment . remember the golden child , harlem nights ? compared to life , they look like citizen kane . life is long , predictable , foul-mouthed and only intermittently funny . its 100-minute running time feels like 100 years . robert ramsey and matthew stone's script basically consist of murphy and lawrence referring to everyone around them as " motherf . . . s " or " n . . . . . s . " you lose count how many times both those obnoxious , offensive words are used . and if that all it takes to write a script , than any illiterate jackass can sit at a word processor and compose a movie . but , like life , it will probably stink . to be honest , the screening audience surrounding me in the theater yucked it up . but these were the same people who howled at all the flatulence and fat jokes as well . life is as sophisticated as a belch . it's crude and stereotypical . years ago , movies stereotypically portrayed blacks subservient , second-class people , good for being only maids and servants . for the most part , the lot of blacks and other racial groups have improved . but a new , more insidious stereotype is creeping into movies . in many recent films , through actors such as murphy and chris tuckers , blacks are presented as fast-talking , conniving , scam artists or hip-hop , gun-crazy , sex-crazed youths . both sets of caricatures are demeaning . and the fault does not rest with the actors . they have to eat , too . it is with the people who write the scripts , the studios who green-light the projects and the audiences who accept these portrayals without protest . life's only redeeming virtue is the artistry of makeup legend rick baker who flawlessly ages murphy and lawrence into 90 year olds . otherwise , life is an embarrassment , a blot on the resumes of those associated with it . see it at your own risk . there may not be a critic alive who harbors as much affection for shlock monster movies as i do . i delighted in the sneaky-smart entertainment of ron underwood's big-underground-worm yarn tremors ; i even giggled at last year's critically-savaged big-underwater-snake yarn anaconda . something about these films causes me to lower my inhibitions and return to the saturday afternoons of my youth , spent in the company of ghidrah , the creature from the black lagoon and the blob . deep rising , a big-undersea-serpent yarn , doesn't quite pass the test . sure enough , all the modern monster movie ingredients are in place : a conspicuously multi-ethnic/multi-national collection of bait . . . excuse me , characters ; an isolated location , here a derelict cruise ship in the south china sea ; some comic relief ; a few cgi-enhanced gross-outs ; and at least one big explosion . there are too-cheesy-to-be-accidental elements , like a sleazy shipping magnate ( anthony heald ) who also appears to have a doctorate in marine biology , or a slinky international jewel thief ( famke janssen ) whose white cotton tank top hides a heart of gold . as it happens , deep rising is noteworthy primarily for the mechanical manner in which it spits out all those ingredients . a terrorist crew , led by squinty-eyed mercenary hanover ( wes studi ) and piloted by squinty-eyed boat captain finnegan ( treat williams ) , shows up to loot the cruise ship ; the sea monsters show up to eat the mercenary crew ; a few survivors make it to the closing credits . and up go the lights . it's hard to work up much enthusiasm for this sort of joyless film-making , especially when a monster moview should make you laugh every time it makes you scream . here , the laughs are provided almost entirely by kevin j . o'connor , generally amusing as the crew's fraidy-cat mechanic . writer/director stephen sommers seems most concerned with creating a tone of action-horror menace -- something over-populated with gore-drenched skeletons , something where the gunfire and special effects are taken a bit too seriously . deep rising is missing that one unmistakable cue that we're expected to have a ridiculous good time , not hide our eyes . case it point , comparing deep rising to its recent cousin anaconda . in deep rising , one of the creature's victims is regurgitated back into view , partially digested and still alive . he shrieks in horror at his freakish appearance and pain , in a moment a bit too disturbing to be laughable . in anaconda , we also see a regurgitated victim , partially digested and still alive . he looks at another character . . . and winks . make no mistake , deep rising has anaconda beat all to heck when it comes to technical proficiency and pacing . it's also gloomy , uninspired and not nearly enough fun . i don't ask much of my monster movies , but i do ask that they act like monster movies . you don't have to show me a fantastically impressive , massive beast with tentacles a-flailing . just show me the massive beast burping , and i'll figure you get the point . renee zellweger stars as sonia , a young jewish wife and mother frustrated by the constraints of her hasidic community in brooklyn . her husband ( glenn fitzgerald ) is a religious scholar whose all-in-a-day's-work attitude on sex fails to tame the " fire " she feels within , as so she confesses to the rebbe ( after hearing her fiery confession , the rebbe suddenly gets frisky with his pleasantly surprised wife--and dies the next morning ) . sensing her frustration , her husband's brother ( christopher eccleston ) gives her a job in his jewelry brokering business in exchange for raw , passionless sex that just fans sonia's still-burning flame . on the job , sonia befriends ramon ( allen payne ) , a cool blast of hunky puerto rican water who does his own jewelry designs when not working as a grunt in an upscale jewelry store . can fire-taming be far be that far behind for the ever-smoldering sonia ? just about everything in writer-director boaz yakin's rings false , starting with the improbably cast zellweger , who does an adequate enough acting job but simply looks too waspy for the role . a better fit would have been julianna margulies , who outshines zellweger as sonia's take-no-crap sister-in-law . some of sonia's baby steps toward liberation , such as indulging in a non-kosher egg roll in chinatown , come off as silly . yakin attempts to spice up the proceedings with a touch of magical realism--in the form of the recurring presence of sonia's long-dead brother's ghost--make the story feel even more trite than it already is . " i didn't know what to expect . it's like something you chase for so long , but then you don't know how to react when you get it . i still don't know how to react . " --michael jordan , on winning his first nba championship in 1991 . . . or , my thoughts after meeting him on november 21 , 1997 there're so many things to criticize about i don't know where to start . recommendation : turn off your brain - don't be like me , decreasing the rating everyday because i think about it too much . a comet is about to strike earth , causing a catastrophe similar to the extinction level event ( e . l . e . ) that wiped out the dinosaurs . what follows is the story of a president's bid to think for the good of his people , a rising reporter , the love story of two teenagers ( one of whom discovered the comet ) , and a team of astronauts on the ship `messiah' to save the world . firstly , there is nothing outstandingly inferior about the making of the film ( nor is there anything outstandingly good about it ) , but the plot holes make the film corny and stupid . to be honest , i was more moved by the trailer than the film itself ( which isn't saying much ) . mimi leder's follow-up to `the peacemaker' is equally incompetent , with all the big stars wasted . ( perhaps i'm just annoyed that the release of `the peacemaker' in the us overshadowed a far superior thriller , `the assignment' . ) it is very obvious that the title not only represents the big boom that will result from the collision , but also connotes the heavy impact on human lives . however , the film simply fails on that note . the effects are worn-out , the substandard screenplay limited the acting , and the director continued her sad run in terms of good-film-making credentials . she's still making good money though . t ? a leoni's unfortunate character , the news reporter , is the foundation of the story and of the cast . but the film suffers from too many characters that do not need to be explored . robert duvall's aging astronaut is lifeless , and morgan freeman's president is restricted to , well , a righteous president ( which means he's not interesting at all ) . leoni's character is the only appealing one , and is played with reasonable conviction ( but a rather peculiar showing when reporting for msnbc ) , but was definitely undervalued by the director and screenwriters . warning : spoilers included ( but a lot of it is irrelevant and predictable anyway ) . plot holes , plot holes , plot holes . now , e . l . e . is threatening to exterminate more than 99% of the human race , and they send eight puny little nuclear bombs up there ? where's the logic ? leder could have at least made it plausible with 20 . and then it turns out that only a few percent of the world population actually perish , and those less selfish ones ( the ones that stayed at home ) were the victims . the film was almost mocking them , telling them they had died for nothing . i also fail to see how two teenagers , carrying a baby , would be the first to climb up the mountain/hill , even with a motorbike for a head-start . it's unlikely that the dust will take just two years to settle , but that doesn't really matter . building caves was a strategy mentioned in `dr . strangelove' , which proposed that people lived underground for one hundred or so years . now that is a more practical use for caves . what is the point of living in caves ? there is no , unlike `dr . strangelove' , any radioactivity outside to restrict exposure . how do plants grow ? if humans have the technology to keep plants alive in caves , there's no reason why they can't do it in the open . the president disclosed that other countries have been preparing their own caves . obviously this means that the other countries were informed a long time ago , and you can't be serious to say that nobody leaked the news to the media . in an important mission like that of the `messiah' , for that matter any mission , it is impossible that isn't sufficient fuel for an extra couple of hundred metres , needless to say tens of kilometres . this is not deep impact ? it's a frivolous cheap impact . but even with all that , some overacting , and a 3 . 4 rating , it's still watchable , just don't think about it . okay ? don't let this movie fool you into believing the romantic noirs of william shakespeare . no one will truly understand the heart and soul of this man except through his work , and this movie makes a vain attempt at that . any moves to ? glamorise' his life , which hollywood has an annoying tendency to do , will only subtract from his achievement rather than expound on his greatness . this movie about his life , although well written , puts too much make-up on a man whose life was probably more pork and potatoes , rather than lobster and champagne . oh well , let's fantasise onwards an assume that he was a bit of a flirtatious play-write , who falls in love with a beautiful woman ( gwyneth paltrow ) and from her inspiration , several plays develop - ? romeo and juliet' , and ? the twelfth night' . it is easier for me to believe that he had a wet dream and that's how all his plays develop , but please spare me all of this unnecessary melodrama . but i guess my version probably wouldn't draw a crowd or make a dollar on screen . so is there any justification in romanticising the man shakespeare , when all we need to do is read his work in order to find his soul . i think not . as for the oscars were they deserved by this movie ? i think not . in many aspects ? private ryan' and ? life is beautiful' were far superior movies , but one should never assume that this should be a criteria for winning an oscar , as time and again , for reasons unexplained , an undeserving movie will win the accolade . another sore point is the fact that gwyneth won the best female lead , over a more polished cate , but i guess if you go on enough about your grandfather dying and your nephew being hospitalised - people will start feeling sorry for you . it's a good thing most animated sci-fi movies come from japan , because " titan a . e . " is proof that hollywood doesn't have a clue how to do it . i don't know what this film is supposed to be about . from what i can tell it's about a young man named kale who's one of the last survivors of earth in the early 31st century who unknowingly possesses the key to saving and re-generating what is left of the human race . that's a fine premise for an action-packed sci-fi animated movie , but there's no payoff . the story takes the main characters all over the galaxy in their search for a legendary ship that the evil " dredge " aliens want to destroy for no apparent reason . so in the process we get a lot of spaceship fights , fistfights , blaster fights and more double-crosses than you can shake a stick at . there's so much pointless sci-fi banter it's too much to take . the galaxy here is a total rip-off of the " star wars " universe the creators don't bother filling in the basic details which makes the story confusing , the characters unmotivated and superficial and the plot just plain boring . despite the fantastic animation and special effects , it's just not an interesting movie . in the year 2029 , captain leo davidson ( mark wahlberg , " boogie nights " ) is training 'his' chimp pericles to pilot a pod from the usaf oberon space station . when an electromagnetic storm is encountered and pericles' pod is lost , davidson sets out unauthorized and lands thousands of years in the future on the " planet of the apes . " maybe if 20th century fox had set the proverbial 100 chimps in front of typewriters they would have gotten a better results than this adaptation of the pierre boulle novel by william broyles jr . ( " cast away " ) , and lawrence konner & mark d . rosenthal ( " mighty joe young " ) . director tim burton's unique look and style are nowhere to be found in this silly , pointless remake . davidson no sooner lands than he finds himself being swarmed by savages running in terror , whom he wisely joins . however , he's rounded up with the lot of them by the apes which rule this plant and handed over to slave trader limbo ( paul giamatti , " duets " ) . ari ( helena bonham carter , " fight club " ) , daughter of the illustrious senator sandar ( david warner , " titanic " ) and simian bleeding heart , believes humans should live with apes on equal standing , an unpopular notion . she takes a liking to leo , who she deems 'unusual . ' general thade ( tim roth , " lucky numbers " ) is of the opposite opinion , wishing for declaration of martial law that will allow him to annihilate the race . he's sweet on ari . it's relatively easy to see where this 'new' story is going from the onset , yet its ultimate revelation has gaping logic holes . the much ballyhooed 'surprise' ending is a nonsensical let down . an attempt at a love triangle , conveyed by ari and the human daena ( estella warren , " driven " ) giving each other 'back off' looks over leo , fails because he never develops a relationship with either of them . the lone sex scene is some hilarious foreplay between elder orangutan senator nado ( glenn shadix ) and his trophy wife nova ( burton's squeeze , lisa marie ) . guffaws will also likely greet charlton heston's cameo as thade's father , the one ape harboring a firearm ( ! ) who sputters some very familiar lines before dying . the only real success of the 2001 " planet of the apes " is rick baker's makeup , and even that's an iffy affair . no attempt was made to change the human whiteness of the actors' eyes , a real distraction amidst some otherwise impressive work . roth , warner and michael clarke duncan ( as thade's right hand man attar ) are given the most impressive makeovers . giamatti looks more like a skull than an ape and the female apes are too humanized to be given sexual appeal . tim roth delivers the most impressive acting job by getting the body language right - his nasty chimpanzee character leaps about , most spectacularly when mounting his steed , but even's he's undone by some obvious wire work . bonham carter delivers a goodly range of emotion from behind a stiff prosthetic , but is undone in turn by the silliness of the writing . most of the film has a set bound look which no amount of mist can cover . the ape's city resembles a dank complex of tree houses . the apes' military costumes ( colleen atwood , " sleepy hollow " ) as well as their field tents are reminiscent of eiko ishioka's work on coppola's " dracula . " that oriental flavor is also found in danny elfman's tribal , percussive score . " planet of the apes " was the last blockbuster hope for the summer of 2001 , a dismal movie season that's going to the dogs . writing a screenplay for a thriller is hard . harder than pouring concrete under the texas sun . harder than building a bridge over troubled waters . and incidentally , a whole heck of a lot harder than writing a movie review . thrillers are all variations on a theme . you have a smart , resourceful , and powerful bad guy , who has a goal he has to meet . you have a noble and brave good guy , who has to protect the innocent , kill the bad guy , and not get killed himself in the process . the trick of thriller writing is doing all of this in an interesting and novel manner . this simple formula can lead to classic movies like north by northwest , high noon , or silence of the lambs , or big summer blockbusters like men in black , the fugitive , or air force one , or it can lead to utter dreck like masterminds , event horizon , kull the conqueror . . . . is anyone else getting depressed here ? point is , it's not enough to follow the formula . you've got to throw in something extra , something good and new and better than the last version . something to surprise and move all of us people who buy the tickets and the popcorn and the happy meals . this is a hard thing to do , but it is absolutely necessary in every way . without that something extra -- whether it's a great plot or a well-written screenplay , or great special effects or great locations or great casting or great performances or great big hungry dinosaurs -- the movie fails . that's why the jackal , with all its starpower , with all its budget , with all its hype , gets a big fat f . bruce willis is the bad guy , the jackal , a legendary killer for hire . richard gere is the good guy , a former ira assassin with a vendetta against the jackal . the jackal is trying to kill someone . gere is trying to stop him . will gere be able to stop the assassination in time and kill the jackal ? ( i'll give you three guesses , and the first two don't count . ) there are no surprises awaiting the audience in the jackal , no moment when you say to yourself , " i wonder what happens next ? " the script for the jackal isn't ripped straight from today's headlines . it's ripped off , straight from an episode of millennium . throughout the movie , we learn what the jackal's plans are and how he intends to accomplish them . no surprise . the fun of a movie like this should come from richard gere figuring out what the jackal's plan is and developing a clever plan to foil the bad guy . instead , we get two ( count 'em , two ) scenes where gere is sitting in an fbi conference room somewhere and instantly divines the jackal's plan just as if he's frank black ( or more likely , just as if he's been handed a copy of the script ) . and we never get more than a superficial clue as to why gere has had this flash of insight . it's like gere's character is psychic , but neither he nor the fbi ( or the screenwriters ) seem to know it . and just like in millennium , the bad guy has an overwhelming need to go after the people the good guy cares about , whether or not they are important to what he's trying to do or not . what's more , in the last half of the movie , the jackal , supposedly a super-smart professional terrorist who never makes a mistake , comes down with a major case of the stupids . as for the performances . . . bruce willis manages to get through the whole movie without a wisecrack , which is a major achievement , but not enough reason to see the movie . his disguises are good , but not as good or as interesting as val kilmer's in the saint . richard gere is made to talk the entire movie in an irish accent , which detracts from his otherwise lifeless and dull performance . sidney poitier is probably the most disappointing element in a overwhelmingly disappointing movie -- not that his performance is bad or anything , it's not , but it is sad that hollywood won't use this talented actor in any part other than an fbi agent ( shoot to kill , sneakers ) . writing a good plot and a good screenplay , like i said , is hard , but it can be done . it wasn't done here . it is our job as consumers to reward good screenplays and to denounce bad and uninteresting ones . do not go see this movie . you'll only encourage the producers to make more just like it . instead , stay home and rent day of the jackal , or in the line of fire , or a fire safety video , for crying out loud . anything other than the jackal , which lives up to its name by gnawing the dead bones of other , better movies . all right , all right , we get the point : despite all similarities to the best-selling story , speechless is * not * based on the romance between 1992 presidential campaign rivals james carville and mary matalin . in fact , the script was in development well before 1992 . still , the comparisons are inevitable , until one realizes a critical difference . no , it's not that the speechless twosome are speech writers , not campaign managers ; it's that carville and matalin's story is actually interesting . speechless is a limp , poorly structured would-be romantic comedy . speechless is set during a new mexico senatorial campaign , where kevin vallick ( michael keaton ) and julia mann ( geena davis ) meet and get romantic one night when neither one can sleep . what neither one realizes is that they are on opposite sides of the campaign : kevin is a sit-com writer brought in to punch up the republican candidate's speeches , while julia is the chief speech writer for the democratic candidate . at first each one believes that the other has an ulterior motive for the relationship , but eventually they let down their guard and become closer . but there are plent of obstacles in the way , including julia's stud-reporter fiance ( christopher reeve ) and a series of stunts which continue to prove that all's fair in love and politics . the standard formula for a movie like speechless would have the two principles starting out as antagonists and realizing only at the end that they're crazy about each other . screenwriter robert king completely subverts expectations by throwing kevin and julia into each other's arms in the first fifteen minutes , then developing the antagonism . it's a noble attempt to shake things up , but unfortunately it just doesn't work . part of the fun of watching sparring in a romantic comedy comes from recognizing the chemistry even before the characters do , but in speechless they already know they're attracted to each other , and we're left with waiting for the campaign to end so they'll admit that they love each other already . there is such a herky-jerky feel to the constant bickering and making up that even king's sharp dialogue can't prevent speechless from becoming repetitive after about half an hour . inconsistency is also the defining characteristic of the performances of geena davis and michael keaton , and with those performances most of their scenes together . the problems begin with their initial courtship , which does virtually nothing to establish julia's character and merely establishes that kevin is a wise-ass . davis is radiantly beautiful , and keaton is generally entertaining , but these characters are so plastic that nothing that happens to them seems to matter one bit . in a couple of scenes , like a quiet moment sitting at a fountain , they actually achieve some measure of connection . for the most part , however , they're just actors spouting lines . you keep waiting for a little spark , and it never happens . perhaps most disappointing is that king and director ron underwood completely waste their premise by removing all the punch from speechless's politics . the setting seems perfect for a high- energy battle of the sexes with partisanship thrown into the mix , but that's never the tone that underwood is going for . he wants a warm , fuzzy romance compatible with marc shaiman's flute-and-wind musical score , and the campaign which should have defined the conflict between kevin and julia fades into the background . it might as well have been a story about rival grocers , and every single character is about as uninspired as he or she could possibly be . i was about the only reviewer in the civilized world who seemed to enjoy robert king's previous screenplay , the dana carvey flop clean slate , so i had some hopes for speechless . but while there is wit in the words , this is a script which was probably much better on paper . on screen , it's still paper thin . teenagers have a lot of power in hollywood . every year countless films will be made targeting that audience in particular , and rely on the entire teenage population to turn out on friday and saturday nights , wallets in hand . the formula is very simple , you make a film with a big name young actor or actress with sex appeal . you add a high school environment that features everyone from prom queens to math club nerds , and then a very simple relationship conflict that can be worked out in 90 minutes , the typical teenage attention span . the response is enormous as this part of the population will waste it92s money on almost any = film set in an environment they can relate to , and , most importantly , they don92t care to judge films=92 quality , so any piece of trash will = due . that is just what never been kissed , the latest film from director raja gosnell , is ; trash . josie geller ( drew barrymore ) is the youngest copy editor in the history of the chicago sun times . she has her own personal assistant , unlimited supplies , and her own office . but she is very much dismayed with her position in life . there is nothing she wants more than to be a reporter and go out into the field , where she can play a more active role in the chicago media . so when an assignment is quite literally thrown at her out of nowhere , she jumps at it with elation . constantly smothering josie in the work place is her friend anita ( molly shannon ) and her amicable superior , gus ( john c . reilly ) . the two of them are both stricken with horror upon hearing the news of her first assignment , as they both deem her to be an office worker and not a reporter . however , since this film is aimed at a teenage audience with little patience for character conflict , this otherwise interesting scenario is resolved within two minutes , and josie is headed for the field . obviously , the field assignment involves a high school . specifically , she is to become an undercover reporter at a high school , by enrolling in the senior class and " becoming one of them . " i don92t think that i = need to even begin to explain all the impossibilities of this situation ever occurring , so i won92t . the movie develops into josie trying to find the life that she never led in high school . interwoven flashback scenes show us just how much of a dork she truly was , and she appears to be heading down that road again . fortunately for this lame production , other characters do appear that make some of these high school scenes both humorous and remotely interesting . they include the predictable love stories , between both a student ( jeremy jordan ) and a teacher ( michael vartan ) , to show that josie is really two people in one body . also , her younger brother and opposite , rob ( david arquette ) comes into her new found life and even causes a rare scene that is mildly provocative . the humor found in this film is actually quite amusing . typical for teenage films , it is chalk full of sexual innuendoes and condom humor . one scene in particular features a certain classroom activity involving bananas and latex that is absolutely hysterical . most of the other jokes are straight forward high school humor that anyone who has ever been to high school can appreciate and will enjoy . but those still don92t = recover for the total lack of quality in this movie . following this trend of high school movie rules , comes the general acting . it is even worse than the trend of overplaying a scenario from film to film . in this case , drew barrymore is absolutely painful to watch . she is required to play her character on two levels , having some very black and white transitions . and although some scenes are written to be particular shades of gray , she seems to hold that color throughout all of her screen time . at one point she is alone with an obvious love interest on a ferris wheel , and is expected to him on an adult level , since he is one , her teacher . but she never seems to get out of the gray area , and in doing so she makes a mockery out of his otherwise good performance . following barrymore is the pitiful molly shannon ( saturday night live ) . she seems to be limited to playing an ecstatic character that no one can relate to , and draws the attention of an audience as simply unrealistic . it is these " qualities " that prevent the aforementioned condom scene from being one of the few decent . luckily there is one great performance to emerge out of this otherwise bleak film . david arquette ( scream ) takes home the prize for being able to stand out in an ensemble performance that is absolutely pathetic , and not have his brilliant acting ruined . and as a central character he gets to take on his own mini-plot , which is one of the few well done parts of never been kissed . in a dazzling cherry-on-the-sundae type piece of work , he does an absolutely hilarious tom cruise impression from the 1983 hit , risky business . never been kissed is a mediocre film at best . the predictable plot has become so overplayed in hollywood , that it is sickening to watch time and again , and this film is no exception . the acting is just as bad , but there is the one positive presence of david arquette to add some light . unfortunately , the bottom line is that the movie will be a success , because teenagers will pay to see any trash . walken stars as a mobster who is kidnapped and held for ransom by four bratty rich kids . it seems that a woman has also been kidnapped--she is the sister of one of them ( e . t . 's henry thomas ) and the girlfriend of another ( flannery ) --and the asking price is $2 million , which said snots are unable to cough up alone . they even cut off walken's finger to show they mean business , because they are desperate to save the woman's life . suicide kings is a terrible film . walken aside , there isn't a single appealing cast member . o'fallon creates characters that are functional types without any resonance . in an amusingly unironic scene , walken plays poker with the foursome and describes each of their personalities to a tee--it's as if he was reading the summary sheet for a casting director . the plot is another issue entirely . o'fallon is someone whom i'm betting has seen reservoir dogs and the usual suspects too many times , for not only does his story veer off on bizarre tangents from whence they never return ( do we really need the scene where dennis leary beats up an abusive father with a toaster , which is entirely unrelated to both the story and leary's character , or the numerous anecdotal sequences ? ) , but the central plot itself is a serpentine mess , filled with crosses and double crosses and triple crosses . . . by the fourth big revelation/twist , i had completely tuned out , wondering what on earth attracted these actors to the material . recently a peer , a fellow young filmmaker , informed me that he had an idea for a movie about four guys , the mob , and the fbi . it occurred to me then what's wrong with indies like suicide kings : i suspect o'fallon has never met a mobster , is not a rich man , doesn't deliver endless " clever " monologues to his friends about his favourite types of boots . . . in short , these guys are just riffing on other movies , and in doing that , making the same film over and over and over again . tarantino found his niche and now hundreds of genxers with movie cameras are trying to find tarantino's niche instead of carving their own . -reviewed at the toronto international film festival >from writer and director darren stein comes jawbreaker , the poorly told tale of what can happen when an innocent birthday prank goes wrong . at reagan high , four girls are sitting on top of the world . courtney shane , played by rose mcgowan , holds the title of meanest , most disrespectful soul in the school . everyone hates her , but everyone envies her due to her popularity . courtney is the " leader " of her clique , which also includes julie , played by rebecca gayheart , liz purr , played by charlotte roldan , and marcie , played by julie benz are the other three in the group . it is liz's seventeenth birthday , and julie , courtney , and marcie concur that they will play a seemingly innocent prank on her , but the prank results in the death of liz . just like stupid teens in any teen directed film such as this one , the foursome decide to cover up the death to make it look like a murder committed by someone else . and also just like in other teen directed movies , one of the four don't agree with hiding it , this time that character being julie . and finally , just like in other teen movies , there is a witness outside the group trying to hide the truth . this time that character being fern mayo ( judy greer ) , who is subject to many cracks from courtney's group , as well as the entire school . >from here , jawbreaker turns into a predictable tale of revenge , bad morals , and at least trying to do the right thing . not only is the script weak , on a whole the acting is horrid thanks to a large amount of the main cast . judy greer is undeniably awful as her one dimensional , annoying character , as she overacts every line she has . also on the bad side of acting is julie benz , almost falling to the annoying factor that greer delivers . on the positive side of acting , rose mcgowan performs well here , but doesn't match her wickedly clever performance as " tatum " , in 1996's scream . mcgowan's role is annoying , but this only adds to the film . she is wickedly mean , and even though she a well-written character , you downright hate her . faring even better than mcgowan is rebecca gayheart , who is always exceptionally believable as her roles . when the script feeds her a one or two dimensional character , she turns it into three , always putting strong emotion and power into her roles . gayheart isn't given as much to do here as she was in 1998's urban legend , but you can still get a strong taste of her acting skills in jawbreaker . jawbreaker drifts and mianders different sub plots throughout , hardly throwing anything for the viewer to get absorbed in . we get way off of the topic of the jawbreaker incident , and get into things that don't have anything to do with the actual film . the beginning and ending are strong , it's just the middle that needs a lot of help . during the body of the movie , it is undeniably repetitive , never progressing towards a conclusion . nothing to grab the viewer's interest is around , and the same , extremely annoying song plays over and over again . jawbreaker tries to get off on the same time of humor used in the 1995 film clueless , but falls flat . the few gags that actually work die off quickly and die off with a bang . all in all , a horrible disappointment . the bottom line : the tagline reads , " even the sweetest candies are sour as death inside . " yes , that is too true . no matter how good this film may have looked , it fails to deliver . well there goes another one . sadly this like other movies this year wasn't good . this one being almost as bad as 'the omega code' but not quite . from the opening credits i had a good feeling this would be bad , and well i guess i was right . with bad excuses for acting , a horrible screenplay and straight-out bad direction 'the bachelor' is a terribly unfunny movie that doesn't work on any levels accept that fact that rene zellwegar who does give a good performance . the two cameos by brooke shields and mariah carey are also good with brooke being the best . the movie is troubled from the start because chris o'donnell is hugely miscast and gives one of the worst performances to date . here is the stupid plot : chris o'donnell plays jimmie shelton a man who has just broken up with his girlfriend , he meets anne ( rene zellwegar ) they instantly hit it off and are together for three years . jimmie decides that he wants to bring their relationship a little bit up . he really doesn't realize that anne thinks he wants to marry her ( what he wants i never did catch ) . so he proposes in a really bad way , and she shoots him down and is very mad . he of course tries to apologize but nothing seems to help any . then his grandfather dies and he learns that he has left jimmie 100 million dollars . . . . as long as he marries before the next day at 6 : 05 pm . now jimmie must find anne and try to marry her to get the money and because he loves her , or get married to someone else to get the money itself , leading to an un-funny and predictable ending that leaves a bad taste in our mouths . ok so maybe this could be one of the dumbest , cliched , silliest romantic comedy to date that has no real big laughs . even the supporting roles of artie lange , hal holbrook and ed anser aren't even good . the plot was a good idea , but the script would have to have been written in less than five minutes and by a five year old . the choppy dialogue and bad directing don't help things any . even though chris o'donnell gave an ok performance in the two batman movies , he does not give even a remotely good or funny performance here and i wanted to boo and throw my pop at the screen to get rid of him . rene zelweggar is a different story and gave a charming , sweet and likable performance ( as usual ) and really was the only thing that saved this confused movie from being a total huge washout . her sister played by marley shelton is also good and the two have good chemistry onscreen . brooke shields showed up in a funny little performance as a big-headed mogul who after a while became routine and old . one really can't help but think that we have seen this stuff before . it's not like this is an original idea and in the end , everyone knows what is going to happen due do its cliches and typicalness . 'the bachelor' works on no good levels and in fact doesn't work at all . ed anser and hal holbrook were wasted in terrible roles and mariah carey can not act to save her soul , and this could be the only film of her movie career dispite her terrific music career . chris o'donnell is not as bad an actor as casper van dien but that is not saying a great deal . he seems held back and really doesn't get into his character much and after even the first 30 minutes gets annoying and old . artie lange just to me seems like he is trying to another chris farley and was completely unfunny and un-nerving . why the filmmakers would want to waste such a cast in such a bad movie , with such bad acting and dialogue is a question only they will know . maybe they thought it would become a hit or a critical success , and sometimes i don't agree with other critics on movies , even from the trailers for this film they made it look bad and showed all the mildly funny parts . its based on the 1925 silent film 'seven chances' which i am sure is very better than this mess . even though some may think of this as a good date movie , most who see this will want to pull out thier hair and scream for thier money back . besides being a terrible movie , 'the bachelor' is well a terrible movie . it has nothing worth recommending therefore i really can't recommend this movie . i did not have a good time and i laughed only three times . the running time of the movie is 106 minutes which is wayyyy over time and needs to be shortened at least thirty minutes . parts of it seems to go on forever and parts of seem to not last enough time . being one of the worst movies of the year , we can be sure that i hope they will not make anymore stupid unfunny romantic comedies , and if they do they i give up on filmmakers . my inner flag was at half-mast last year when nick at nite pulled " dragnet " reruns off the air . sure , i'd seen them all at least once , but i could always count on at least a few inadvertent laughs from ultra-serious jack webb when there was nothing else on tv . even though " dragnet " is out of circulation at the moment , we webb anti-fans still have the d . i . , a 50's propaganda piece for the military that is almost as hilarious as the famous " blue boy " episode of " dragnet . " for anyone like me who got laughs out of webb's rapid-fire speeches and straight-faced seriousness , think of the d . i . as what would happen if sgt . joe friday ever enlisted , because he plays exactly the same character here , a no-nonsense old fart who looks with disdain at the younger generation and loves to give long- winded , melodramatic speeches on any topic . in this election year , i'm more convinced than ever that webb and bob dole were separated at birth . the movie opens in characteristic fashion as one recruit after another knocks on webb's office door and enters . he gives each one a different series of cranky criticisms before the credits come up . the " produced and directed by jack webb " card pretty much goes without saying . this is his movie all the way , and after the first twenty minutes of him chewing out his recruits for no reason , i was wondering if there would even be a plot . i certainly would have been entertained by an hour and a half of trademark webb rants , but the d . i . gives us more -- much more . webb's mission is to make a man out of private owens , the local screw-up . the captain gives webb three days to convert owens into marine material or , the captain will " personally cut the lace off his panties and ship him out myself . " ( whether the " lace panties " part refers to webb or owens remains unanswered . ) this , of course , gives webb an excuse to focus all his crotchety energy on making owens' life a living hell . for those of you who haven't been indoctrinated into the pleasures of webb watching , here's a reprint of a typical monologue of his . i can't duplicate his hilarious delivery on paper , but the words should at least partially convey what i'm talking about . . . " now you listen to me , youngster . someday you'll wake up fighting on a beach and you'll pray to god somebody doesn't get killed because of your foolishness . . . i've got a headline for you : every time you make one of those little mistakes of yours , you're gonna turn around and i'll be standing right there . " i couldn't write down all the reprintable dialogue from the d . i . ( nearly all of it belongs in the bad movie hall of fame ) , but i tried to include some of the more noteworthy lines , like one from the scene where webb unwinds from a hard day's work by going to the local bar ( where he orders a tomato juice ) . he meets a woman who , coincidentally , also orders tomato juice but walks away from a typically-stimulating conversation with webb to flirt with his arch-rival , another marine d . i . webb marches over to the table , gets up in her face and says , " just what kind of a dame do you think you are ? " bogart he ain't . the other d . i . gets one of the few memorable non-webb lines when he confesses to the girl , " he's a damn good d . i . . . . i guess i'm just a little jealous . " join the club , we're all jealous of jack webb's way with women , which is showcased even more amusingly in a later scene , as webb finds his way to the woman's place of employment , a lingerie store , and stands around looking incredibly flustered at the negligees on display . " you expect me to talk to you . . . in _here_ ? ! " he exclaims , no doubt intimidated by the barrage of bras . the woman goes off to help a customer , leaving webb to fend for himself once again in this palace of estrogen . a little girl spots him in the store and demands , " what are you doing in here . . . you're a man , aren't you ? " he doesn't reply , but you know he's thinking in his head , " what an odd species of human -- so small . must be one of those children everyone's been talking about . " this poor girl , scarred for life by her early encounter with jack webb , would later swear off the male gender entirely , just one of the many lesbian conversions he's responsible for . the movie doesn't focus too closely on webb's romance , it also continues the owens subplot with probably the most memorable scene in the entire movie , where webb forces his platoon to spend the entire night searching the ground for a flea owens killed during one of their drills . after two privates hatch a scheme to present webb with the wrong dead flea , webb asks owens , " was that flea you killed a male or female ? " owens replies , " a male , sir . " webb yells to the platoon , " this ain't the one ! " that such a scene ( along with the rest of the movie ) was intended to be taken seriously defies comment . but we know it was all presented with the utmost seriousness when a title card at the end thanks the marines not only for their cooperation in the making of the d . i . , but for iwo jima , guadalcanal and every other major battle of the first half of the 20th century . webb held the military in such high esteem that all the soldiers in the movie ( with the exception of owens ) were played by actual marines . someone wanting to parody this movie couldn't do a more comical job than webb did . it makes it all the more ironic ( like raeeyain on your wedding day ) that the man had no sense of humor himself . there's a scene in the movie where the guys are on their break time discussing something and one of them breaks into laughter . webb bursts in the room and shouts , " what did i tell you about laughing ? ! " to which the private replies , " sir , only nine-year-old girls laugh , sir ! " and let me tell you , i was as happy as a nine-year- old girl while watching this movie . frank detorri's ( bill murray ) a single dad who lives on beer and junk food with no apparent understanding of sanitation or hygiene , much to the dismay of his preteen daughter shane ( elena franklin ) . when he uses the '10 second rule' to retrieve a hard boiled egg from a chimp's cage at the zoo and downs it , he introduces a lethal bacteria into his system . inside his skin , the city of frank is in turmoil thanks to the vote-pandering of mayor phlegmming ( voice of william shatner ) , so it's up to one frank pd white blood cell ( voice of chris rock ) to save the day in peter and bobby farrelly's " osmosis jones . " the city of frank is a brightly animated ( animation directed by piet kroon and tom sito ) cellular municipality where osmosis jones is a typical rogue cop looking for another chance . he's inadvertently teamed up with drix ( voice of david hyde pierce , tv's " frasier " ) , a cold capsule with 12 hours worth of painkillers to dispense . this quarrelling duo are about to go on a " fantastic voyage " in order to hunt down thrax ( voice of laurence fishburne ) , the virus intent on shutting down frank . while the animation is certainly colorful to look at , osmosis jones' story is a hackneyed one . the story cries out for puny puns , but we only get occasional sprinklings of wit or bodily humor ( drix graduated phi beta capsule , he departs on a bus headed for bladder ) . neither the hero or villain is particularly interesting ( thrax looks like an animated " predator " ) , although hyde pierce is a delightful sidekick . adults can desperately keep their eyes peeled for small amusements the animators dot along the landscape . meanwhile , back in live action land , bill murray is reduced to nothing more than a walking gross-out joke . there's no particular enjoyment to be found watching him vomit on molly shannon ( she plays shane's teacher , mrs . boyd ) or hoisting his ingrown toenail onto a restaurant table . one must wonder how the climatic flatlining of a child's father will play to the family audience as well . rest assured , the whole enchilada is wrapped up with a fart joke . while far less offensive than the farrelly's last effort " me , myself and irene , " that film at least spiked some comic highs with jim carrey's hijinx . " osmosis jones " will probably be ok for the kids , but the farrellys playing for the family audience is like watching marilyn manson croon a phil collins tune . woof ! too bad that leap of faith was the title of a 1992 comedy starring steve martin and debra winger , because that's what's required to watch this incredulous howler starring bruce willis as--of all things--a psychologist . not since the reagan administration has there been an acting stretch of such magnitude ! alas , mickey rourke , we hardly knew ye . story opens with a campy kick--willis is treating a patient who abruptly steps out of the window to take the best flying leap since charles durning dove in the hudsucker proxy . she goes splat , he goes ugh , and his character spends the rest of the film colorblind . really . the good doctor then moves to sunny l . a . , where he rooms with an old college chum ( scott bakula ) , a therapist who's getting death threats from someone in his monday evening group . buddy bites it in the second reel ( no surprise there ) and willis agrees to take over both the group and the death threats . for his troubles as therapy man , willis gets to share some cut-from-nc17 love scenes with the lover's jane march while dodging nails , cars , and rattlesnakes . why'd it have to be snakes ? color of night is the worst movie of the year . period . forget north , clifford , or , heaven help us , even on deadly ground . here is a movie misfire so audaciously awful that you can't help but wonder how the actors all kept straight faces while filming . for starters , the " group " is a collection of mixed nuts better suited to bob newhart than bruce willis . these are realistic portrayals of the mentally unhealthy ? playing a prissy obsessive/compulsive , cuckoos nest alumni brad dourif , alone , may set the psychology profession back ten years . the plot's a wreck with laughable dialogue , pointless pov shifts , and the one big secret solvable in the first fifteen minutes . director richard rush , who once helmed freebie and the bean , doesn't seem to mind . unfazed by the nincompoop plot and cuckoo characterizations , he overfills the film with enough canny camera shots and zany set-pieces to make the effort almost worth watching . his token freeway chase is ok , but the director has more fun with a vertiginous ending ala ( most recently ) fatal analysis . acting credits are across-the-board awful . willis can be forgiven because he's filming die hard 3 as we speak . but what about ruben blades insulting presence as the cop ? or lesley ann warren's stereotypical sex addict ? or worst offender jane march as a mystery-girl-who's-no-real-mystery ? shudder . bottom line : how they all kept straight faces , i'll never know . there's only one presidential election every four years , but it seems like every few months we get another presidential conspiracy movie painted as _the_ thriller of the year . in 1997 , we've had absolute power , air force one , shadow conspiracy and murder at 1600 . this one is about as lame duck as old gerald ford , trying to bring us a complex plot of cover-up and intrigue but copping out over and over again with rehashes of action flick standbys . here's what happens this time . it's night at the white house . a secretary is having sex with some unidentified guy with a cute butt . the next day she's dead and hotshot detective wesley snipes is called in . how do we know he's a hotshot ? we've seen the traditional action flick opener -- the clever hostage negotiation scene . it's not so clever this time , consisting of snipes disarming a suicidal ex-government employee holding a gun to his head in the middle of the street . snipes is off to the white house , where he finds the secret service head ( the shiny bald head of daniel benzali ) won't cooperate with him at all . in fact , if not for the intervention of national security adviser alan alda , snipes wouldn't have been allowed in the white house at all . alda helps snipes out further , assigning a sexy secret service agent ( diane lane ) to act as his liaison . . . a very dangerous liaison . well , not really , i just wanted to say that . almost immediately , a suspect is found , an eccentric night janitor seen flirting with the deceased on one of the security videos . snipes doesn't buy it , and launches into an independent investigation of his own , one that reveals planted evidence and romantic involvement by the president's son . snipes' partner , an always- wisecracking dennis miller , calls him up every once in awhile with more news and lane , who at first doesn't believe snipes , eventually and predictably comes around , and risks her ass to break into social security storage and break out some classified information . for the first hour or so , murder at 1600 looks like it could be going somewhere interesting . sure , we have to sit through the lame opening sequence and plenty more lame scenes after that , but the whole murder in the white house thing makes for an interesting premise that is never quite delivered upon . snipes and lane don't make for a bad action team , but with nothing to work with , they're just cogs in the bad movie machine . dennis miller might as well not even be in the movie ; they waste his talents more in murder at 1600 than they did in bordello of blood , and that's saying a lot . when you get to the last half-hour , the movie has descended metaphorically and literally into a wet sewer , busting out the old break-into-the-building underground climax . and when they finally reveal who killed the woman and why , you'll wish you never sat through this movie at all . the " 1600 " in the movie's title doesn't represent an address , it represents the number of satisfied customers worldwide . serving the world for nearly 1/25th of a century ! ah , and 1999 was going along so well , too . " she's all that " has the dubious distinction of being the worst movie i've seen so far this year . and quite frankly , i doubt i'll see anything equally bad . ( at least , i * hope * i don't see anything equally bad ) . " she's all that " tells the story of the most popular guy in school ( played by freddie prinze jr . ) who accepts a bet to transform the geekiest girl in school ( rachel leigh cook ) into the most popular . that , right there , is problem #1 . how many times have we seen this storyline ? as cook comments near the end of the film , " it's kind of like " pretty woman " , except without the prostitution " . of course , had the filmmakers attempted to try something new with this material , the well-worn storyline would have been a device to propell the movie forward . as it is , though , " she's all that " relies * completely * on the lame and overused formula to push it ahead . there's not one original or interesting character in the film , either , and if that wasn't bad enough , there's not one good performance featured . the star of the movie , rachel leigh cook , is simply horrible . i usually don't like to get so personal , but in this case , i think it needs to be said . cook wears the same expression throughout the flick and looks to be having as miserable a time as i was . i was never convinced that she was a " nerd " , and her transformation was unconvincing and unnecessary . the movie seems to be saying it's better to be popular than to be who you are . as for freddie prinze jr . , an actor i ordinarily enjoy , he too is quite bad here . he coasts through the film on so-called charm , and never establishes a real character . kieren culkin is here , too , as the brother of cook . and for some indiscernable reason , he's got hearing aids . no explanation is given and they're never brought up . were we supposed to feel * sorry * for him just because he wore hearing aids ? i don't think so . that single element of the film was one of the most offensive things i've seen in a movie in a long time . " she's all that " sucks . that's what it boils down to . it's not entertaining , and it's not even a good time passer . the hour and a half running time goes by slower than a 5 minute hair-removal system informercial . and what's worse , it sends out a bad message to teens . it appears to be telling them , " hey , it doesn't matter if you're happy the way you are . that's unimportant . if you want to * truly * be happy , dress in the latest fashions and act like a bubble-headed moron . " ugh . michael robbins' hardball is quite the cinematic achievement . in about two hours , we get a glancing examination of ghetto life , a funeral with a heartfelt eulogy , speeches about never giving up , a cache of cute kids ( including a fat one with asthma ) , a hard-luck gambler who finds salvation in a good woman and a climactic " big game , " where the underdogs prove to have a bigger bite than anyone ever imagined . all that's needed is a guy getting hit in the nuts and a food fight to have the first film solely based on cinematic clich ? s . i can't wait to see the deleted scenes when it comes out on dvd . obviously , hardball is a strikeout of a movie that never gets the bat anywhere near the ball . it stars keanu reeves as the aforementioned gambler , who seems to owe every bookie in chicago an amount of money that rivals the gross national product of guam . out of solutions , he begs his successful corporate friend ( the always welcome mike mcglone ) to lend him $5 , 000 . instead , mcglone offers reeves the chance to help him coach a youth baseball team from the projects for a nice weekly stipend . reeves , who wants to keep his fingers , accepts the offer , but discovers mcglone is only too happy to let him handle the team entirely . the drowsy-voiced protagonist must teach the sassy inner city kids the baseball basics in a life of absentee parents and merciless gangs . and maybe , just maybe , they'll play in the big championship game . one of the glorious surprises in the screenplay by john gatins ( summer catch ) , adapted from daniel coyle's non-fiction book , is that there aren't any . the movie coasts from heartfelt moment to heartfelt moment like a zombie . that wouldn't be so bad , if the characters had an ounce of subtlety or humanity to them . most of the kids' time is spent yelling at each other , talking in slang and acting surprised . there's little that's naturally amusing about them , as they all seem to know the cameras are rolling . the worst of the lot is a tough-talking younger player ( dewayne warren ) whose sole purpose , as the movie unfolds , is being an emotional pawn , a tactic so utterly despicable i can't find the right words to express myself . the adults also don't fare well . reeves is impressively uninspiring as the down-on-his-luck loser . the character is poorly written , but reeves gives another charisma-free performance . every time he speaks , he sounds like he just got up from a long nap and is gradually waking up . kids are supposed to rally around this guy ? diane lane , who co-stars as reeves' obligatory love interest , remains a glowing screen presence ( see my dog skip for better proof ) . it's too bad that her role here consists of uttering lines like , " these kids trust you , and they don't trust anyone ! " then there's d . b . sweeney as an evil rival coach and john hawkes as reeves' scummy betting buddy and other unoriginal characters you've seen before and hope never to see again . i wanted hardball to be good . robbins' varsity blues was a funny and alternately taut tale of texas high school football that had ali larter smothered in whipped cream and jon voight sneering at everything that moved . i haven't seen robbins' goofy ready to rumble in its entirety , but i am intrigued that " macho man " randy savage and martin landau can exist in the same movie without there being serious worldwide repercussions . robbins obviously needs to go back to his forte -- making sports movies for guys and not cutesy , cuddly pap such as hardball , which also manages to annoy and insult the audience . here's hoping that happens in the immediate future . you know something , christmas is not about presents . it's about over-hyped holiday films with lots of merchandising and product tie-ins . at least that would seem to be the message of " the grinch , " which has been advertised since last christmas and whose logo is currently plastered all over stores . hollywood expects us to ignore this cynical greed as the movie scolds us about losing the true spirit of the season . you know the plot : there's this evil furry green guy called the grinch ( jim carrey ) who lives on a mountain overlooking whoville . down below all the whos are preparing for their whobilation , but the grinch is determined to steal their christmas . the movie is , of course , a live-action version of the beloved children's book , which was previously adapted into a 1966 tv special by looney tunes animator chuck jones . it's rare that a big budget hollywood release is shamed by a thirty-year-old half-hour cartoon , but that's the case when jones' version is compared to ron howard's . the tv grinch hit all the right notes : boris karloff's soft , deep narration ; thurl ravenscroft singing " mr . grinch " ; max the dog weighed down by the gigantic antler tied to his head ; and the grinch's wide , toothless grin . by contrast , the movie hits one sour note after another . first , there are the numerous bad choices that jeffrey price and peter seaman made in padding out the short book into a 105-minute movie . young wide-eyed cindy lou who ( taylor momsen ) is depressed about the misplaced priorities of her parents ( bill irwin and molly shannon ) during the holiday season . she begins to sympathize with the grinch , who turns out to be surprisingly sympathetic . cindy lou discovers that the grinch turned tearfully away from whoville in grammar school when he was publicly humiliated while expressing his love for the prettiest girl in the class , martha may whovier ( played as an adult by christine baranski ) . are we expected to like the grinch , hate the whos , and want him to steal christmas ? the grinch isn't even the villain here ; that role is filled by the corrupt mayor of whoville ( jeffrey tambor ) who was the grinch's rival for martha's affection . not only are the characters needlessly complex , but the once-simple plot becomes so convoluted that the actual theft of christmas seems like an afterthought . the casting choices aren't any better than the screenwriting decisions . jim carrey seems woefully miscast . while his face is so supple that the rubber make-up seems superfluous , carrey brings nothing else to the role . his accent keeps changing ; i assume he was shooting for karloff , but he ends up sounding like a weird slurry of richard nixon , sean connery , and cartman from " south park . " not knowing what else to do during his many scenes alone in the grinch's home , carrey falls back on his stand-up comedy and clowns around ace ventura-style . needless to say , his wise-cracking antics don't quite fit the character of the grinch , who is an embittered loner filled with hate . little taylor momsen brings little to role of cindy lou except big eyes and a cute smile . she would have been fine if cindy lou was limited to her original purpose in the seuss story ( finding " santa " in her living room stealing the tree ) . however , the expanded script makes cindy as important as the grinch , and momsen is not up to the challenge . bottom line : when you're stealing christmas ( movies ) , leave this one behind . in the mid-1980s , following the splendid debut in hugh hudson's greystoke and relative success of first highlander film , it looked like christopher lambert's acting career might go somewhere . but , it wasn't meant to be , which became obvious following highlander ii . in this decade christopher lambert became associated with films with low budgets and even lower quality . very often such films were science fiction , which meant that the fans of that genre learned the hard way what to evade anything starring christopher lambert . whether it was because of real lack of talent , terrible miscasting or simple bad luck isn't important - the end result was almost always horrible . the same can be said for fortress , 1993 science fiction film directed by stuart gordon , director who created cult following with his 1980s horror gorefests like reanimator and from beyond . the movie is set in 2018 . for some undisclosed reason , usa introduced strict population control and couples are barred from having more than one child . jake ( christopher lambert ) and karen brennick ( lori laughlin ) broke that law and are caught by authorities on the border . sentenced to 31 years in prison , they are both thrown into fortress , privately owned correctional facility , equiped with state-of-the-art futuristic technology and run by computer called zed . although equiped with gismos that regulate every aspect of inmates' lives and make any escape impossible , prison authorities often use violence . jake survives many ordeals and earns respect of some inmates which would help him when he begins planing the escape . such escape should become necessity , because the warden poe ( kurtwood smith ) begins showing unhealthy interest in karen . after rather intriguing beginning and some interesting special effects that depict the futuristic settings of prison , this film soon starts sinking into mediocrity . the reason is in the screenplay that quickly degenerates into whole series of prison movie clich ? s and situations that are painfully predictable . by the time brennick begins his escape from fortress , those situations not only begin to look predictable , but utterly implausible too . of course , film never tried to explain why the country that lacks resources to support its present population happens to spend bucketloads of money on ultra-expensive supertechnology with sole intention of keeping alive most useless and dangerous members of the society . the initially interesting plot is done even more wrong by stereotyped characters , played by not too interested or talented actors . lori laughlin , although physically attractive , shows the acting ability of sequoia . kurtwood smith as prison warden is rather uninspired , capable of solid , yet forgettable performance . lambert's performance is also good , but even the bigger talent couldn't help this film , destined to end in oblivion . susan granger's review of " the musketeer " ( universal pictures ) hollywood launches another assault on classic literature with this $50 million adaptation of alexandre dumas's novel that's strong on action but weak on drama , fusing hong kong martial arts with 17th century swordplay . the story chronicles the adventures of the dashing d'artagnan ( justin chambers ) as he leaves his village of gascogne , headed for paris , to join king louis xiii's elite guard , the royal musketeers , and to search for the man who killed his parents 14 years earlier . this puts him in conflict with the formidable febre ( tim roth ) , vicious henchman for conniving cardinal richelieu ( stephen rea ) . the traditional musketeer trio - aramis ( nick moran ) , athos ( jan gregor kremp ) and porthos ( steve speirs ) - don't offer much help so he turns to the feisty francesca ( mena suvari ) , chambermaid to the queen of france ( catherine deneuve ) . scripter gene quintano and director-cinematographer peter hyams are primarily interested in the derring-do , as evidenced by choreographer xin-xin xiong's elaborate - but not original - stunts , including a fast-paced stagecoach chase , a tavern brawl on rolling barrels , high-wire acrobatics with the combatants dangling from ropes , and a ladder-fight sequence . filmed in southern france , the scenery , sets and costumes are spectacular , but the lighting is too dark and editing is filled with choppy , restless mtv'ish cuts . as the swashbuckling d'artagnan , bland calvin klein model justin chambers buckles where he should be swashing , totally lacking on-screen charisma , not to mention acting skill . mena suvari , so impressive in " american beauty , " seems like a contemporary interloper in the royal court . on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " the musketeer " is a cinematic but shallow 3 . " all for one and one for all " ? not this time 'round . note : some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned . at the end of the day , those reflecting upon the debacle that is the avengers would do well to take note that warning clouds loomed on the horizon for the project well before warner bros . made the contentious decision to abandon preview press screenings and scrapped plans for a gala premiere . this highly-anticipated film rendition of the cult television show was originally slotted for an early june opening , where it would have gone head-to-head against the rival studios' heavy hitters ; its eventual demotion to a less potent mid-august opening was an obvious early indication of the studio's lack of confidence with the picture . and with good reason . this is a joyless exercise of a film , held together by a barely coherent plot and lacking any semblance of excitement , thrills or wit . remarkable in its banality and brutally uninvolving , the avengers is a catastrophic mess which immediately invites comparisons to last year's case study in style over substance , joel schumacher's much-loathed batman & robin . ( indeed , both films even feature appalling , ridiculous sequences which find central characters dressed up in fuzzy oversized costumes . ) uma thurman , who takes on the salacious role of the catsuit-clad , karate-chopping emma peel immortalized by diana rigg , was the only bright spot in the aforementioned schumacher disaster , imbuing her poison ivy with a dose of sassiness and sly wit that gave audiences something to smile at amidst the cinematic carnage . unfortunately , the same can't be said here , where she and cohort ralph fiennes ( our new john steed , taking over for patrick macnee ) demonstrate no appreciable chemistry whatsoever , fatally crippling the picture as they volley fizzling repartee back and forth and trade double-entendres with all the enthusiasm of two actors painfully aware that they're on board a sinking ship . at this rate , usually-splendid actor mr . fiennes may never make the transition from arthouse apollo to mainstream leading man -- his tepid turn here will make as much of an inroad as his commendably seedy performance in the regrettably-neglected kathyrn bigelow film strange days . the duo * look * the part -- and admittedly the avengers is , more than most , heavily dependent upon style -- but they're no fun to watch , and i found myself growing increasingly distant and annoyed by the lack of spark between the two cheekily ironic characters as they navigated through the picture's caper-esque plot . when not checking my wristwatch or shifting restlessly in my seat , i began to alleviate the boredom by considering how this all might have played out had the filmmakers chose to go instead with that erstwhile emma as our mrs . peel -- no , not kate beckinsale ( although the notion now intrigues me ) , but gwyneth paltrow , who was originally in the running for the part and can veritably handle a spot-on english accent . if nothing else , it'd at least be highly entertaining for the incongruous sight of the vaguely twiggish young actress kicking butt . the story , such as it is , involves the ever-bemused tandem of steed and peel combating the malevolent sir august de wynter ( sean connery ) , an eccentric aristocrat threatening the safety of the nation with his climate-controlling contraption . ( they also sip a lot of tea . ) overlooking some goofy cloning nonsense and quirky hijinx involving our protagonists' superiors , it sounds far better than it plays , and is rendered almost indecipherable by blatant post-production tinkering ; it's clearly evident that the picture has been cut to shreds . the avengers was never about gripping drama , and our heroes accordingly never take villainous sir august very seriously , but given the lack of cohesion in the plot and the lack of menace conveyed by the buffoonish maniac , it's all decidedly uncompelling . mr . connery , who's onscreen barely long enough to register an impression , approaches the role like a man fulfilling a contractual obligation , simultaneously chewing the scenery while unable to hide his disinterest . at least it all looks good . this is a genuinely handsome production , with fine costume design by anthony powell and crisply shot by roger pratt . in particular , the gleaming production design by stuart craig commands attention , adeptly drawing elements both old and new in order to depict this great britain . there are a handful of striking visual moments in the film , including an attack by a swarm of giant robotic bees and a nice shot of steed and peel finding a way to walk on water , but the film is so unremittingly dull that even these instances fail to stir interest or raise pulse rates . by the time the film's climax had arrived , my interest was not with the sight of steed and sir august slugging it out amidst crashing waves and thundering rain , but with the quickest escape route from the theatre . not coincidentally , the enticing bits of visual bravura were the shots assembled into the movie's remarkable trailer , a savvy piece of work which ironically is infinitely more appealing that the feature film itself ; the first promo which made the rounds in early spring is probably my favourite studio trailer so far this year . it's everything that the avengers is not -- saucy , clever , engaging , and entertaining . a crushing disappointment , the film is one of the worst outings of the year -- too drearily awful to be savoured as gleefully bad , too polished to overlook its deficiencies . there may be upcoming pictures that are even more lifeless than the avengers , but i sure hope not . stallone attempts to 'act' in this cop drama . the film is set in a neighbourhood pratically built by kietal , who's nephew ( played by michael rappaport ) is involved in a car crash and killing of two black youths . keital dosen't really want to get involved in anything , gets rid of rappaport , and stallone and de niro try to work out what the hell is going on . this film should be brilliant . it sounds like a great plot , the actors are first grade , and the supporting cast is good aswell , and stallone is attempting to deliver a good performance . however , it can't hold up . although the acting is fantastic ( even stallone isn't bad ) the directing and story is dull and long winded some scenes go on for too long , with nothing really happening in them . in fact , the only scenes that do work are action scenes , which i suspect stallone was trying to avoid . in this film , serious means dull . the dialogue is warbling , and basically just repeats the same points over and over , no matter who is delivering them . the plot , which has potential , is wasted , again just being cliched after a while . in fact , the only thing that does keep the film going is kietal and de niro , both delivering their usual good performances . however , stallone , although not given much to say , gives a good performance . however , it's not all that bad . as said above , the action scenes are well done . theres also a very good ending , which uses the cinemas sound system well . in fact , the last 10 minutes of this 2 hour film are one of the best endings of 1997 . if only the rest of the film was as good as the ending . cop land , then , turns out not to be a power house film , but a rather dull , and not every exciting film . hugely disappointing , and i can't really recommend it . the first species was a moderately-successful science fiction yarn that diverted audiences with some nifty special effects , a few well- paced action sequences , and frequent views of model-turned-actress natasha henstridge sans clothing . however , it was definitely not a movie that cried out for a sequel . and , considering the quality of species 2 , it's obvious that mgm should have stopped while they were ahead . the only thing that distinguishes species 2 is how awful it is . if you throw away the plot , which is characterized by a blatant disregard for intelligence , logic , coherence , and consistency , species 2 actually has a few things to recommend it to a select audience . of course , that audience is primarily comprised of teenage boys ( who , at least in theory , shouldn't be able to get into an " r " -rated film ) and connoisseurs of bad movies . there's enough blood , gore , simulated sex , and bare flesh in species 2 to prevent it from ever becoming boring . this is a grade z exploitation flick that's ripe for the mystery science theater 3000 treatment . somewhere , someplace , i recall hearing species 2 described as " erotic . " i would love to know who used with that adjective for this movie , because he ( or she ) has a peculiar notion of eroticism . sure , there's a lot of sex and nudity , but it's almost always accompanied by the ripping open of a woman's abdomen as an alien baby claws its way free , splattering blood and gore in all directions . anyone turned on by that is not someone i would care to be sitting next to in a theater . i suppose the main attraction in species 2 is natasha henstridge ( and , to get the obvious question out of the way -- yes , she does remove her top , but only once , and only briefly ) . although the character she played in the original species is dead , government scientists still have the dna , and , out of what can only be described as a suicidal impulse , they decide to create another clone . this creature , dubbed " eve " by its creator , dr . laura baker ( played by marg helgenberger , reprising her role ) , is genetically engineered to be kinder and more docile . meanwhile , man has finally set foot on mars . a team of three , led by patrick ross ( justin lazard ) , has traveled to the red planet , but when they return to earth , they bring something with them . ross has become a half-human/half-alien hybrid , and he's soon mating like crazy , collecting the blood-soaked children that are the result of each sex session . his intention is obviously world domination . standing in his way is that indomitable soldier of fortune from the first film , preston lennox ( michael madsen ) , and one of patrick's fellow astronauts , dennis gamble ( mykelti williamson ) . but when patrick learns about eve , a female of his kind , there's no damping his ardor . i'm not sure what the budget for species 2 was , but a significant portion of it must have gone into paying handsome salaries to several recognizable actors ( as opposed to being diverted into the special effects ) . michael madsen and marg helgenberger , both back for a second round , are clearly on hand to do as little as they can , grab the money , and run . ditto for james cromwell , who plays patrick's father -- " underused " is too kind a word to describe his involvement ( " invisible " would be more like it ) . george dzundza gets to do a little scenery- chewing as an angry-but-inept general . meanwhile , justin lazard's performance as patrick is so flat that he makes natasha henstridge's limited abilities look good by comparison . the only one in the whole production with any energy is mykelti williamson , who is cast in the part of the wisecracking black sidekick . complete with cheesy special effects , bare breasts around every narrative corner , and dialogue capable of producing howls of laughter , species 2 has been dumped into the marketplace without advance screenings for critics . director peter medak , a journeyman film maker with a significant list of mediocre movies on his resume , has added another forgettable title , but at least he appears to have had fun doing it , which is more than can be said of anyone trying to take this film with even a scintilla of seriousness . do i recommend the movie ? absolutely not , but i will admit that species 2 is dopey enough that it didn't try my patience to the degree that some pseudo-intellectual bad movies do . here's hoping there's no species 3 . a number of critics have decided that it's open season on freddie prize jr . , slamming the young actor as an utterly talentless pretty boy on career cruise control in sound-alike , disposable teen fluff like " head over heels , " " boys and girls , " " down to you " and " she's all that . " while the prinze oeuvre is hard to defend , his talent is not . i first saw him in the independent dark comedy " the house of yes , " where he gave a subtle , impressive performance as the younger brother in one of america's freakiest families . prinze has the acting chops ; he just needs to take a few supporting roles in some grown-up movies to show the non-believers that he has what it takes . " summer catch " certainly won't help his case . inoffensive , but utterly generic , the baseball-related romantic comedy does little more than kill time . the story deals with the love affair between tenley ( jessica biel ) , a wealthy cape cod girl and ryan ( prinze ) , a local boy from a working class family who dreams of becoming a big-time baseball star . ryan's preoccupation with his new honey-bunny drives her elitist father ( bruce davison ) crazy and endangers his position as pitcher with a cape cod summer league team . it's a wonder the kid has any time to pitch , as his time is occupied with making out with tenley , fighting with her dad , bonding with his own dad ( fred ward , who deserves better than this ) , fighting with his brother ( jason gedrick ) and carousing at a neighborhood bar with his teammates . the filmmakers desperately want to make a quirky , character-heavy baseball movie like " bull durham , " but haven't got a clue how to get there . and so they glide from one clich ? to the next for 108 minutes . the only bit of originality comes from marc blucas in a minor role as a center-fielder from texas . in an early barroom scene , blucas , best known as demon-fighting riley finn from " buffy the vampire slayer , " hears a young woman compliment a guy on his ass , then turns to teammate matthew lillard and states , " he does have a nice ass . a bubble butt . " when lillard gives him an " are you insane ? " look , blucas calmly says , " it's nothing sexual , " then goes on to evaluate the hind-ends of some other players , including lillard's . speaking of asses , prinze does not bare his in the movie . the actor has a no nudity clause in his contract , so two stunt-butts were employed for a couple of semi-nude shots . blucas , whose character secretly dates a large woman throughout the story , gets another unique moment late in the film . sick of hearing teammates make " fat chick " jokes , he climbs on top of a table and loudly declares his love of amply-sized ladies . while his speech still ends up objectifying women , it remains a nice change of pace in a numbingly ordinary movie . trivial tidbit : " summer catch " marks a scooby doo summit . marc blucas appears in " jay and silent bob strike back " as fred from the scooby doo gang , while freddie prinze jr . plays the same character in the upcoming big budget film version of the old cartoon . everybody in this film's thinking of alicia . no , this is not a documentary on those of us after we first saw the " cryin' " video . this is one of those erotic thrillers , but not like one starring shannon whirry or shannon tweed . first off , there's zero sex , almost no nudity , and it's not as well-plotted as one of those tweed flicks . well , anyway . the " plot . " alicia plays , well , the babysitter , who is taking care of some kids one night while the parents ( j . t . walsh and lee garlington ) go out to a party . the film , trying to be like one of those introspective erotic thrillers , shows every characters' thoughts , except alicia's . the thing is alicia's in most of them in most cases , and the thoughts aren't too kosher . first off , there's her boyfriend ( jeremy london , who gave one of the all-time lousy performances in " mallrats , " and is only a notch better here ) , who's a dorky kid who hangs out with a kind of bully , played by nicky katt from " suburbia " ( who shows he's got that quiet creepiness down pat once again ) . they decide they want to crash her babysitting job , looking for the typical babysitting hanky-panky . somethine like that . the film intercuts between the subplots ( alicia babysitting , nicky and jeremy , the party ) and each characters' thoughts . we get to see jeremy and nicky's dreams of doing a little threeway with alicia , j . t . thinking of coming home to find alicia naked in the bathtub ( she has it all covered up , the little tease ) , and , worst of all , lee garlington dreaming of that hunk , george segal . it even shows them in bed together . yea . i so wanted to see george and lee garlington in bed , though i guess i'm used to george after seeing her and mary tyler moore fooling around in " flirting with disaster . " the ending is some kind of big tragedy thing , but come on . like we care about any of the characters . the only interesting one is alicia , mainly because she's alicia , and we mostly see her in the fantasies . so i guess she's some kind of mystery or something . but she is never explored further . so , basically , this film is just a series of mastabatory images , sometimes featuring a non-nude alicia ( once again , sadly ) , sometimes featuring a scantily-clad george segal ( once again , sadly ) . i watched this on one of those free previews of showtime or cinemax one night , and let me tell you , it is the only way to watch this film . i mean , there's a reason they put these kinds of films on late at night : they're just as good as sleeping pills . and this one is one big fat waste of time , even for an alicia film . star wars : ? episode i -- the phantom menace ( 1999 ) director : george lucas cast : liam neeson , ewan mcgregor , natalie portman , jake lloyd , ian mcdiarmid , samuel l . jackson , oliver ford davies , terence stamp , pernilla august , frank oz , ahmed best , kenny baker , anthony daniels screenplay : george lucas producers : rick mccallum runtime : 131 min . us distribution : 20th century fox rated pg : mild violence , thematic elements copyright 1999 nathaniel r . atcheson a fellow critic once stated his belief that a reviewer should not speak of himself in his own review . i've attempted to obey this rule in recent months , but to do so would be impossible in this case . the fact is , nearly every person who goes to see the phantom menace brings baggage in with them . the original star wars trilogy means so much to so many people . for me , they calibrated my creativity as a child ; they are masterful , original works of art that mix moving stories with what were astonishing special effects at the time ( and they still hold up pretty darn well ) . i am too young to have seen star wars in the theater during its original release , but that doesn't make me any less dedicated to it . on the contrary , the star wars trilogy -- and the empire strikes back in particular -- are three items on a very short list of why i love movies . when i heard that george lucas would be making the first trilogy in the nine-film series , i got exited . when i first saw screenshots from the film , well over a year ago , i embarked on a year-long drool of anticipation . and when the first previews were released last thanksgiving , i was ready to see the film . but then there was the hype , the insane marketing campaign , and lucasfilm's secretive snobbery over the picture . in the last weeks before the picture opened , while multitudes of fans waited outside of theaters and stood in the boiling sun days in advance just to be the first ones in the theater , i was tired of hearing about it . i was tired of seeing cardboard cut-outs of the characters whenever i went to kfc or taco bell . i just wanted to see the movie . reader , do not misunderstand . i did not have an anti-hype reaction . the hype was unavoidable . i understand and accept the hype -- it's just what happens when the prequel to the most widely beloved films of all time get released . five minutes into the phantom menace , i knew there was a problem . " who are these jedi knights ? " i asked . " why are they churning out stale dialogue with machine-gun rapidity ? " " why aren't these characters being developed before their adventures ? " " why is there a special effects shot in nearly every frame of the entire film ? " these were just some of my questions early on . later , i asked , " where's the magic of the first three films ? " and " why am i looking at my watch every fifteen minutes ? ' by the end of the film , i was tired , maddened , and depressed . george lucas has funneled his own wonderful movies into a pointless , mindless , summer blockbuster . the phantom menace is no star wars film . take away the title and the jedi talk and the force , and you're left with what is easily one of the most vacuous special effects movies of all time . it's an embarrassment . i looked desperately for a scene in which a character is explored , or a new theme is examined , or a special effects shot isn't used . there are a few of each , but they're all token attempts . the fact is , george lucas has created what is simultaneously an abysmally bad excuse for a movie and a pretty good showcase for digital effects . this is not what i wanted to see . i didn't want to leave the phantom menace with a headache and a bitter taste in my mouth , but i did . the story centers mostly around qui-gon jinn ( liam neeson , looking lost and confused ) and his apprentice , obi-wan kenobi ( ewan mcgregor , who scarcely has a line in the film ) and their attempts to liberate the people of the planet naboo . naboo is the victim of a bureaucratic war with the trade federation ; their contact on naboo is queen amidala ( natalie portman ) , the teenage ruler who truly cares for her people . after picking up jar jar binks ( a completely cgi character , voiced by ahmed best ) , they head to tatooine , where they meet young anakin skywalker ( jake lloyd ) and his mother ( pernilla august ) . qui-gon knows that the force is strong with young anakin , and so the jedi knights take the boy with them on their journeys . the bad guys are darth maul and darth sidious , neither of whom have enough lines to register as characters . there isn't anything particularly wrong with this story when looking at it in synopsis form . the way lucas has handled it , however , it unsatisfactory . first of all , we don't learn one single thing about qui-gon jinn . not one thing . what was his life like before this film ? well , i imagine he didn't have one . that's why he feels like a plot device . this probably explains why neeson looks so hopeless in the role , and why he's recently retired from film ( i don't blame him , honestly ) . obi-wan , a character i was really looking forward to learning more about , is even less interesting . mcgregor has just a few lines , so anyone hoping to see the engaging young actor in a great performance is urged to look elsewhere . since these two men are the focus of the phantom menace , lucas has served us a big emotional void as the centerpiece of his movie . things start to pick up when our characters reach tatooine ; young anakin is perhaps the only truly fleshed-out character in the film , and lloyd does a thoughtful job with the role . i was also hugely impressed with the sand speeder scene ; rarely is an action sequence so fast and so exciting . and when anakin says goodbye to his mother , i found it moving . also fairly good is portman , and she manages to give a little depth to a character where no depth has been written . jar jar binks is one of the most annoying characters i've ever had to endure , but he's more interesting than most of the humans . as soon as the relatively-brief segment on tatooine is over , it's back to the mind-numbing special effects and depthless action scenes . i've seen many movies that qualify as " special effects extravaganzas , " but the phantom menace is the first one i've seen that had me sick of the special effects fifteen minutes into the movie . the reason is obvious : george lucas has no restraint . i can't say that i didn't find the effects original , because i did -- the final battle between darth maul , obi-wan , and qui-gon is visually exceptional , as is most of the film . but i also found the effects deadening and tiresome . my breaking point was near the end of the picture , as anakin is getting questioned by yoda and the other jedi masters ; in the background , we see hundreds of digital spaceships flying around through a digital sky , and i wanted that to go away . can't we have one stinking scene that isn't bursting at the seems with a special effects shot ? i got so sick of looking at the cgi characters and spaceships and planets and backgrounds that i really just wanted to go outside and look at a physical landscape for a few hours . and then there's the question of magic . what was lost in the sixteen years between the phantom menace and return of the jedi ? i have a feeling that lucas was so focused on how his movie looked that he forgot entirely the way it should feel . john williams' familiar score is no help , nor is lucas' direction . i think it comes right down to characters : there are none here . i longed for the magnetic presence of han , luke , and leia , but i got no such thing . and what about the ridiculous expectations ? mine weren't that high ; i simply wanted a film that showed me the roots of the films that i grew up loving , a story that had a few characters and a few great special effects . instead , i got two hours and fifteen minutes of a lifeless and imaginative computer graphics show . i don't hate the phantom menace as much as i resent it : i'd like to forget that it exists , and yet i can't . it's here to stay . i can only hope that episodes ii and iii have something of substance in them , because if they don't , then lucas will have pulled off the impossible task of destroying his own indestructible series . the lives of older people in the twilight of their years attempting to come to grips with their shared histories and possible futures is a fascinating topic . finding an all-star cast for such a film is a stroke of genius . combining all that with a three-time oscar-winning director ( robert benton of " kramer vs . kramer " ) and creating a decidedly mediocre movie is the stuff of disappointment . in yet another noir mystery set in hollywood -- how many of these have we seen during the past few years ? -- the atmosphere is moody , the actors enjoyable to watch and the story goes nowhere . over-70 harry ross ( paul newman ) is a washed up cop-turned-private eye-turned man friday trying to figure out how to live what remains of his life . he's screwed up things pretty well ( " i had a wife and daughter . now , i'm a drunk ) and is at a crossroads . a couple of years ago , he traveled to mexico to bring back mel ( reese witherspoon ) , the under-age daughter of jack ( gene hackman ) and catherine ( susan sarandon ) ames and now lives with them . the ames are former movie stars , past their prime and the three have become fast friends . one gets the impression that ross is just hanging out waiting for something to wake him up . to fill his time , he does odd jobs for jack and falls in love with catherine . jack is in even worse shape than harry . he's dying of cancer with only a year to live . things do turn more exciting when jack asks harry to drop off a sealed manila envelope for him . instead of the routine errand that ross expects , he walks into a barrage of bullets from the gun of another ex-cop who is , himself , full of bloody holes . this unsettling event gives the former detective a project to throw himself into and launches an investigation that revolves around the mysterious disappearance of catherine's first husband 20 years before . through a series of very complex and convoluted plot devices that involve murder ; blackmail ; guns ; mel's mexico traveling partner and his parole officer ; ross's former cop buddies , ex-lover and would-be sidekick , the tale finally ends up exactly where everyone expects it to . it's a film noir tradition that the story twists and turns down side roads for an unexpected finale , but here the journey meanders towards an ending that no one cares about . the only surprises are exactly whose face fits which role in the scenario . by the time they show you , it doesn't matter . the storyline gets goofier and goofier exemplified in ross's relationship with rubin ( giancarlo esposito ) , a partner wannabe . these scenes are obviously designed to be comic relief , however they are neither . rubin and ross have some past relationship but either it's not explained or i didn't care enough at that point to remember . a running joke about where harry was supposedly shot while in mexico is probably meant to mirror his questions about whether he is still able to perform . it's also not funny , doesn't connect and keeps on showing up long after it has run its course . on the positive side , it's often enjoyable to watch the seasoned actors on the screen . the three leads all have well-deserved academy awards and turn in accomplished , if not extraordinary jobs . newman is a grand actor , but doesn't seem quite suited to the dark film style . he is a bit too clean and understated to come across as desperate and down and out . hackman , also low-key , is believable but lacks sparkle . sarandon comes across well as an sultry older babe although she is one-dimensional . the actors do what they can with lame dialog , but they can't pull the film out of the hole it's dug for itself . james garner who plays ross's old buddy ex-cop raymond hope is always a treat , but even he half-heartedly struggles through lines like " i'm glad they didn't shoot your pecker off . " the best part of the film is the look at old friends , how their relationships change over the years and the difficult choices they must make . the genuinely easy and casual interactions among the actors hint that being on the set was much more interesting than what ended up on the screen the film doesn't run very long before the audience realizes that it's hopeless . the only reason for watching is the actors . it reminds me of disaster movies such as " towering inferno " where the star power is supposed to make everyone ignore the film's problems . in a better world , there would have been second-rate actors in this second-rate movie and the ones here would have been saved for something better . of course , we don't live in that better world , but you could make yours a little nicer by choosing a different movie . martial arts master steven seagal ( not to mention director ! ) has built a career out of playing an allegedly fictitious martial arts superman who never gets hurt in fights , talks in a hushed tone , and squints at any sign of danger . he's also the most consistent individual in hollywood today , since all his movies suck . they basically represent his egotisitical tendencies about his art ( that is , martial art ) . i'm sure the guy's good , and he seems like a nice guy on talk shows , although a tad haughty , but these movies he makes are all the same : a guy who is basically indestructable , is maybe wounded supposedly mortally , then comes back with a vengeance and goes buddha on all the baddies asses ( although i kinda liked " under siege " ) . of course , this one , as a change , has a " message " that is drilled into our mind . . . of course , after he blows up a lot of stuff and kills a bunch of people . so why do i watch his crap ? i usually don't . i will never , and you can hold me to this , i will never pay to see this man's movies , unless , and only unless , he's in a supporting role ( i . e . " executive decision " ) and i'd definitely pay if he dies ( i . e . " executive decision " ) . but this one has a special place in my heart . this doesn't mean it's good or that i even liked it . this was the last movie i watched with my deceased uncle , and we had one hell of a time ripping it apart a la " mystery science theatre 3000 , " and this was a couple years before i had heard of " mystery science theatre 3000 . " in this one , seagal plays a worker for a mining factory set in alaska and run by the greased-up typical shallow villain , this time played by an oscar-winner to give the movie some more clout - michael caine . it seems that caine wants to do something with his oil factory that includes him dumping oil all over inuit land . around the 20-30 minute point , seagal speaks up to him in what seems to be the typical speech to all the vain entrepeneurs ( what with his new " fire down below , " another " message film " ) , and caine has him bumped off . . . or does he ? seagal is rescued by some inuits , and falls in love with one of them , played by joan chen , who can act , hypothetically , but , for some reason , not here . one of caine's cliched henchmen ( played here with a lot of overacting by john c . mcginley ) shoots the cheif of the inuit clan , and chen and seagal go on a voyage to take down the oil factory . . . literally , of course . at one point , seagal gives a wonderfully hysterical speech about how he doesn't have any options but blow stuff up . he even goes as far as to say , " i don't want to kill someone , " and in the same breath , he asks some guy where the arsenal is . i have no problem with violence . i'm a huge john woo fan , but he paints his films with suspense , skill , style , depth , characterization , and just plain cool violence . in the films of seagal , the suspense mainly consists of the baddie attacking him stupidly , and him either wounding or killing them . at some points , they use the cliche of the talking villain , where the villain has the advantage , can shoot seagal , but begins talking by either telling him his big secret plan , or saying a corny line , to which seagal says something hokey back , and has had enough time to devise of a way to do away with them , and does . this would be okay if there were any suspense or if it didn't take itself seriously at all , like in the case of this summer's " con air . " but seagal is serious about his skill , and of course , his message . i wouldn't mind if this was a message film in the way that they present it to you with evidence . but seagal has no idea how to present a film where the message is subtle , not pounded into the viewer's mind . the villain is totally shallow and cartoonish , thus we can't take him and his motives seriously , and while seagal talks about being kind to the environment , he also goes ahead and blows up a square mile of rig , and kills some workers who were just doing his job . then at the end , he spends a good 10 minutes giving a speech , just in case you didn't get the message from the trailers . what seagal doesn't realize is that no one takes his films seriously ( although maybe a couple do ) and any message he has is no only redundant , but doesn't comfortably fit in his film , which is filled to the brim with hokey violence , crap suspense , stupid melodrama , and characters who have about as much emotional depth as a petri dish . as far as seagal and his acting , he's rather boring . he squints , he kills . period . nothing else . oh , yeah , there's corny one-liners ( " i'm gonna reach out and touch someone ! " ) . of course , he's the star , and we're supposed to root for him and all , so he makes all the villains unbelievably stupid and a bunch of jerks . michael caine , who's a great actor , is just supposed to yell and look cold . he does it well , i guess , but this is no " alfie . " of coure , no one was expecting that caliber of performance from him . his big henchman , john c . mcginley is kinda boring as well , but is not horrible . and we even get a small performance from that god of drill sergeants on celluloid , r . lee ermey ( from " full metal jacket " ) as a hired assasin squad leader who gets to say the obligatory speech about how dangerous seagal is , just for the movie trailers and for seagal's ego . and also , look for billy bob thornton as one of ermey's assasins . anyway , to conclude this all , to judge one of seagal's movies is to judge all of them ( except for " under siege " and " executive decision , " though the latter is not really a " seagal movie " ) . they all have this same formula , they all have the same action , same villain , same plot , but this one has that message , which makes it more excrucitating to watch . i mean , if you do rent it , and i don't reccomend you do , make sure you just skip the last 10 minutes . but i have to put it to seagal for creating a film so bad , that the last film i viewed with my uncle was a pleasurable one . my ( extra star for the fun it is to watch and mock ) arye cross and courteney cox star as a pair of bostonians who meet in a bar , go to the movies , fall in love , move in together , etc . review ====== well , if you haven't seen when harry met sally or he said , she said , or if you don't watch love & war on television , you might think this is the most inventive film to come along in ages . however , if you've seen any of these , than you have seen most of this film . this of course doesn't mean its bad . some of it is amusing , but overall , i just had to ask what's the point ? arye cross is the stereotypical single male who falls in love . kevin pollack is the stereotypical female-fearing best friend who make a lot of rather sexist and vulgar jokes , most if which weren't very funny . couteney cox is the stereotypical career-minded woman who falls in love . julie brown is the stereotypical bizarre best friend of said woman . ( notice the frequent use of the word stereotypical . this film uses a lot of formula , the plot is basically known from the opening credits . ) so what is good about the movie ? well as i said there are a few amusing moments . surprisingly , julie brown , who i usually find just plain goofy , was the best thing in the film . also there are several very funny sequences involving analysis of the human mating ritual . gee , this is really short . not much to say about the film really . it is just kind of there . watching it on video might not be a complete waste of time , but i wouldn't recommend hiring a baby sitter or spending a lot of money to see it at the theatre . _soldier_ is hands down one of the worst movies a person could ever have to sit through that doesn't have jean claude van damme in it . i could liken it to the sci-fi cheese that was the hollywood product-of-choice back in the early 80s , but that would be too much of a compliment . if there is a movie theater in hell , this film is playing there 24 hours a day . the story , such that there is , revolves around todd ( kurt russell ) , an automaton of a man who has been raised from birth to be a merciless soldier in a not-too-distant ultra-conservative future ( is there any other kind ? ) after years of desensitization at a military academy full of other boys just like him , todd becomes a ground fighter in a series of wars all over the galaxy . who the enemies in these wars are is never revealed , but the few glimpses of todd in battle show that it doesn't matter , because innocent hostages are wiped out as indifferently as the bad guys . after ten minutes of this nihilistic trash -- yes folks , there's more -- we see todd as a buff , scarred adult , now so accustomed to the carnage that no confrontation at all causes him to break a sweat . there's a new wrinkle , though . todd and his brethren are declared obsolete , and a new batch of soldiers takes their place . after losing a sanctioned battle with _dragon_'s jason scott lee , the seemingly dead todd is dumped by a flying ice-cube tray ( well , that's what is looked like ) on a remote garbage planet . if you predict that todd meets a bunch of outcast settlers on this planet , and that they band together to fight a bunch of bad guys coming to destroy them , you're way ahead of the game . the renegade society on this trash heap is so clich you half-expect tina turner and master blaster to come strolling into frame any minute . it's surprising that _soldier_ is the brain-child of _blade runner_ co-writer david webb peoples . unlike that mind-twisting classic , this film contains just barely enough dialogue to fill about three double-spaced pages . add into the mix the _mortal kombat_'s paul anderson inept direction , and it's easy to see how _soldier_ turned out so bad . and the special effects ! remember the flying steam irons in hardware wars ? gary busey is in this movie . 'nuff said . _soldier_ is proof that hollywood still has plenty of bad ideas sitting in its script vaults . that this sad film made it to the silver screen should encourage plenty of aspiring screenwriters out there that there is hope after all . now if you'll excuse me , i have to go weep for the future . it's a sad state of affairs when the back box blurb is more exciting than the movie contained within it . such is the case for the 1990 paul mayersberg film _the last samurai_ . though the blurb alludes to " a jungle filled with political intrigue , uneasy alliances , and murderous enemies at every turn , " the story of the movie is actually quite simple ( and prosaic ) : a middle-aged japanese businessman named endo ( played by john fujioka ) and his assistant , both of whom have samurai aspirations , travel to africa in search of his ancestor , who went to bring buddhism to africa . he hires the services of down-at-the-heels vietnam veteran pilot johnny congo ( the redoubtable lance henriksen ) and his girlfriend ( arabella holzbog ) , and travels to the camp of an arms-merchant-cum-safari-host- cum-islamic-missionary ( john saxon ) and his wife ( lisa eilbacher ) . they are all kidnapped by an african revolutionary guerilla with witch-doctor aspirations to conceal a pre-arranged arms deal , which subsequently falls through . congo escapes , finds endo's ancestor's sword , and comes back , guns blazing , to free the rest of them , and endo kills the revolutionary with the sword . the end . _the last samurai_ is one of those movies that is neither bad enough nor good enough to be enjoyable . it is merely _there_ . the murky plot is filled with subtexts that are never elaborated , subplots that are never explained , and many scenes that make very little sense at all . the film is shot through with all the tired old " inscrutable japanese samurai " and zen stereotypes that are to be expected from an american movie . it is quite slow-paced , with only a bit of action near the end , and the final duel between endo and the terrorist is quite anticlimactic . most of the acting is fair , with the possible exception of congo's girlfriend . lance henriksen is his usual scene-chewing self , and is one of few possible reasons anyone might conceivably have for seeing this movie . the only other bright spot is the sweeping african scenery . i paid $3 for this film , from the discount rack at best buy , and halfway suspect i overpaid for it . if you are in the mood for samurai , read a clavell novel or watch a kurusawa movie . skip _the last samurai_ unless you are a die-hard henriksen fan . birthdays often cause individuals to access their lives . are we doing what we want to be doing ? what happened to our dreams ? with the new millennium , our collective big birthday , just around the corner , some people are sensing a certain dissatisfaction with their existence . the old standbys of traditional religion and science aren't doing it for many anymore and they're looking for something else . we'll be seeing more and more films with a metaphysical theme over the next few years . ricky hayman ( jeff goldblum ) is having a career crisis . the programming director for the good buy home shopping network , he's going to be fired unless sales increase dramatically . new producer kate newell ( kelly preston ) is supposed to whip things into shape . when the two are fixing a flat , they almost run down new age pilgrim " g " ( murphy ) . g wanders onto the television set and connects with the viewers by telling them that they don't really want all that commercial crap . in some unexplained manner , this causes sales to sour . ricky is saved . the movie tries to be too much at once and fails at it all . it's not an over-the-top comedy or a heart-warming message of humanity . it _is_ a mish-mosh of poorly directed scenes made even worse by insipid dialog . i am willing to put up with preaching from a film , but the messages here are old hat . you should take time to smell the roses . selling your soul for cash is a bad idea . golly . i'm glad i saw the movie . i never would have thought of these . the opportunity to poke fun at the goofy products is mostly missed . when g takes a chainsaw to the set , there's an obvious chance for murphy to be hilarious . it doesn't happen . the bits are so subdued and overly-long that there's only a hint of laughter from the audience . murphy has changed his roles in recent years and not for the better . there are hints of promise in this one . the only time the film picks up even a little is when his shaved-headed character in the long flowing white caftan shows up on screen . the others are horrendous . goldblum has episodes of brilliance in his career , but here he seems to have been replaced with a lifeless pod from his " invasion of the body snatchers " . his relationship with kate makes no sense . they move from antagonism to love somewhere off screen . preston is as uninteresting as she could possibly be . somewhere hidden deep inside of this film is about ten minutes of value . an attempt to satirize stupid television , we get a self-parody instead . m : i-2 , the sequel to mission impossible , is a james bond wannabe film , but it fails to even come close to that film in wit , humor , and entertainment value . it tries to be a spy/romance movie , but without any suspense the film just looks like it's an extended commercial for dudes who think they look cool in throwaway sunglasses . it is a film that prefers techie gadgets to anything human . the coolest thing about this movie , was all the holes it had in its story and the most trite thing about the movie , was the usage of doves throughout as peace symbols . the film plays as if it was a wet fantasy dream about techie violence . except for the choreographed action sequences , the film was dull for three-quarters of its time , filled with too many dead spots in its story to garner concern about its wooden characters or the superficial romance that developed . as for the action scenes , they might look good to those who are converts to violence in their films , but their advertisement for sadistic responses , is nothing short of mindless cartoon violence , which makes it very difficult to sit back and applaud without feeling put off by the gratuitous cruelty seen . m : i-2 opens and closes with fast-paced action scenes , but it is hard to get past the middle part which just drags on in banal dialogue . the film looks as if it had been invaded by a computer virus , at that point . the only thing that kept me awake , was the horrible music composed by hans zimmer that became very loud at any of the film's supposedly momentous action scenes and seemed to make an uninteresting scene even more noticeable in the wrong way . it's a mega-buck film adapted from a popular high-tech gadgetry tv series . but its artistic success is an impossible task to accomplish because it hired the wrong director and actors to star in it , and it failed to produce a story that had any substance . john woo ( " broken arrow " / " face/off " ) is good at doing car chases , choreographed fights with midair flips and kung-fu kicks , slo-mo shots of two guns blazing , and of fire explosions , but he just can't seem to handle dialogue and suspense . the star of the film and co-producer , tom cruise , and his romantic interest , thandie newton , are miscast . cruise is no james bond and looks more like a yuppie than a superhero in his stylish long hair and innocuous smile , as he tries to carry off this macho role , while thandie is not an action-film girl , and seems like a fish- out-of-water in this one . their romance didn't work , not only was it tepid and not sexy , but it wasn't convincing . the film opens with dizzying speed , perhaps with the hope that a befuddled audience is its best bet for success . we will be in three different locations instantaneously : sydney , the american southwest , and seville . first , we are in sydney , australia , where a scientist with a muffled russian accent , dr . nekhorvich ( rade ) , mentions that he created a deadly killer virus called chimera and an antidote for it . he also mentions that every hero needs a worthy villain . which explains the film's mythic theme . . . as we enter the world of comic book myths on good and evil . the one who played the villain , dougray scott , does so in a one-dimensional gruff tone , which did not distinguish him in that role . at least , if the film got the villain part right , it might have had some fun with this nonsense . soon the diabolical scientist is on a plane talking to someone he trusts called dimitri , but then the plane is taken over by terrorists who set it on automatic pilot and crash it into the rocky mountains . before they crash the plane and parachute out of it , the one who was posing as dimitri , turns out to be sean ambrose ( scott ) , a rogue member of the imf , which is a cia-like clone . he steals the package with the antidote , peels off a latex mask , which is a replica of the hero of the story , ethan hunt ( cruise ) , who had posed as dimitri to the scientist before and had thereby gained his trust . sean and his group of terrorists carry out this attack because they plan a virus plague on the world and then to sell the victims the antidote at marked up prices . we already saw the gimmick of peeling masks used in face/off and in the original mission impossible , which as convoluted a plot as that film had , it was still a superior film to this sequel . woo has run this peeling mask routine into the ground , as it is used so often in this film by both sides , so much so , that it blurs any ethical character differences between good guy or villain . it makes it seem as if anyone could be another character , which distorts the reality of the film and makes it impossible for the film to make much sense . next we are in a mountain range in the american southwest , and ethan is on vacation , hanging by his fingertips while climbing and looking cool , when a helicopter with his boss anthony hopkins aboard , delivers via a rocket launcher , a pair of talking sunglasses . hunt learns his next mission is to retrieve the chimera package and he is allowed to pick two regular imf agents to help , billy baird ( john polson ) and luther stickell ( ving rhames ) , with luther running a high-gadget computer , but he also must get a jewel thief named nyah hall ( thandie ) to join his team . he is told , as an incentive to recruit her , all her criminal charges will be dropped . hopkins then signs off with the tag line : this message will self-destruct in five seconds . actually , with the departure of hopkins , it was this disposable film that actually self-destructed at this point . in seville , hunt recruits nyah into the team in the middle of a jewel heist and a subsequent car chase , where he nearly runs her audi sports car over the side of a mountain road . he also falls for her when this was only supposed to be a business deal , and learns that she is valuable because her ex-boyfriend was sean ambrose and that he still wants to f * ck her . the imf team then inject a location tracer chip into her to spot sean so she can go f * ck him , as she leads them to his hide-out in the seaside of australia in which he shares with his sneering villainous cohort , the south african , hugh stamp ( richard roxburgh ) . robert towne , the screenwriter , who contributed to the first " mission , " who is noted for doing " chinatown " -- writes a colorless , pedestrian script , one that fails even to be funny in a camp way . the terrorists , who aim to rule the world , are interested in owning 51 percent in a biotech company and in getting stock options , as they plan to infect sydney with the virus and have their company sell the antidote , insuring that they will make billions on the stock . ethan comes to the rescue of the world and of nyah , with his only conflict being who is more important to save first . ethan does this rescue against all odds , as he finds a way to penetrate a security tight biotech company , fight it out with sean and the other terrorists , and rescue nyah , who injected herself with the virus to hinder sean's getting it , as the only way to transport the virus is through another person or from the vaccine needle . ethan rescues her by doing stunt riding on a motorcycle , using kick-boxing , winning a shootout , throwing a full john wayne supply of grenades at the terrorists , making some more use out of that peeling mask bit , and by being completely fearless and larger than life , while he kick's everyone's ass . if i was only entertained by this . . . i could have lived with it . but this film was so badly made , that it was like watching a highlight film of a basketball game , seeing only the slam-dunks , but with the game itself being excluded from the telecast . in any case , this is a critic-proof film , and will in all probability do well in the box office , as it was made to appeal to all the demographics who find commercial ventures like this one easy to buy into . ex-universal soldier luc has to battle a group of newer-model engineered fighters gone bad . the review jean-claude van damme has a one-liner early on in universal soldier : the return , his latest attempt to remain relevant , that sums up this entire movie ; he says " been there , done that . " no film critic could possibly sum up van damme's recent film choices any better . while other ageing action stars have wisely moved into other film genres ( schwarzenegger makes as many family comedies as he does action films ) , van damme stubbornly persists in sticking with what used to work for him : martial arts and guns . this unwillingness or perhaps inability to move into new genres has caused van damme to enter the straight to video world , with legionnaire never seeing the inside of a multiplex . he joins fellow martial artist/action star steven seagal as they watch their film careers rapidly fizzle away . universal soldier : the return is truly poor . the plot is a complete copy of several action films from this decade , specifically terminator 2 : judgement day and the similarly named soldier . soldier's kurt russell was an older model super-soldier sent off to retirement when circumstances forced him to battle his successors , for the good of a planet ; schwarzenegger's terminator in t2 tried to save john connor from a newer model killing machine , the t-1000 ; and jean-claude , a former universal soldier , has to save the planet from the rampage of a group of , you guessed it , newer model soldiers . considering the poor box office performance of soldier , it's amazing that this project was ever given the go-ahead . luc devereaux ( van damme ) was the sole remaining universal soldier ( or unisol for short ) , until he was returned to a normal , if muscular , human form . in this sequel ( technically the fourth film in the series , following two straight-to-video duds that were ignored here plot-wise ) , luc is now a human trainer/consultant of sorts for the unisol program . working with dylan cotner ( xander berkeley , who interestingly also appeared in t2 ) , the unisol program has engineered a tougher , fiercer fighting force with the help of super-computer seth . unfortunately , upon hearing that the program has been axed by the government , seth takes control of his soldiers , killing everyone in the building except for luc , his partner maggie , his daughter hillary and erin , a reporter trapped inside . the rest of the film involves luc trying to keep them all alive , while beating up a group of near-indestructible soldiers , most notably romeo ( popular wrestler goldberg ) . there are lots of fights , gun battles , lame plot developments and a noticeable lack of plausibility . there are so many clich ? s in this film that it is almost painful to watch . luc gets saddled with the task of saving erin the reporter early on , and in the course of a single night , they go from bickering to falling for each other , to kissing . erin is a pathetically-written character ; people are getting brutally gunned down all around her , and yet , not only does this not seem to frighten her , but she finds time to remind luc that she " isn't leaving without her story " . whatever . other laughable moments include a ) luc going to a strip club to get internet access ( what ? ) and b ) a group of rangers , who after having been given good advice ( luc tells them that their weapons are useless , and shows them a specific gun which should work better ) , choose to go into battle with their useless weapons anyway ( guess who wins the battle ? ) . not one single scene in universal soldier : the return has any originality to it . when fuelled by don davis' loud , driving music score , the film's many fights become almost passable , but mostly are full of the same ol' jean-claude moves . director mic rodgers ( a former stunt co-ordinator ) keeps the action coming at a rapid pace , with only a few token serious moments to be found . his past work is evident in the many moments when characters are thrown through windows , tossed off of buildings or sent flying through the air thanks to an explosion . if only jean-claude weren't getting so old and slow compared to younger martial arts film actors like jet li , rodgers could probably have made a decent action film . to place the blame squarely at van damme's feet , however , is an injustice . i'm not sure that anyone , not even robert deniro or edward norton , could make writers william malone and john fasano's script sound good . one particularly painful scene is when erin asks luc how he is so sure that the aforementioned strip club will have internet access . he cringes , looks down and mutters " uh . . . uhm . . . they all do , i saw it on 60 minutes . eh he he he " the script's and indeed the entire film's only saving grace is goldberg . he chews up every scene he is in , obviously enjoying his role immensely . he even gives the film a few laughs , as he mutters things like " i really don't like that guy " every time he fails to kill luc . sadly , his presence is not enough to turn universal soldier : the return into anything better than a below-average action film that truly deserves to have joined its fellow sequels by going straight-to-video . the plot of big momma's house is martin lawrence in a fat suit and a dress . that's not just the high-concept premise ; it's the fully-realized , all-encompassing plot . such an emphasis is not unheard-of in the world of hollywood summer entertainment . one need merely look back to last summer , when the plot of big daddy was adam sandler being an incompetent surrogate parent . the trap inherent in such an approach is that the high-concept plot idea better be pretty well-realized , or rest on the shoulders of an extremely talented performer , because you can bet there will be nothing else worth a second of your time -- not a developed character , not a provocative theme , not a witty twist . you will get 90-plus minutes of martin lawrence in a fat suit and a dress -- nothing more , nothing less . those who find martin lawrence more than an occasionally amusing screen presence may have a shot at enjoying the one-note dud that is big momma's house . others will simply stare , mouth agape , at its sheer unapologetic laziness . lawrence plays fbi agent malcolm turner , an undercover expert on a stakeout assignment with his partner john ( paul giamatti ) . dangerous convicted bank robber and murderer lester vesco ( terrence howard ) has escaped from prison , and the feds think he's headed for his former girlfriend and presumed-but-never-proved accomplice sherry ( nia long ) . sherry , however , has fled with her son trent ( jascha washington ) , possibly to visit her grandmother hattie mae ( ella mitchell ) , better known as big momma . indeed , sherry appears to be on her way , but big momma is headed out of town without knowing sherry is coming . that leaves master of disguise malcolm to go under very heavy cover as big momma and find out what sherry knows . big momma's house's bloodlines are certainly traceable to mrs . doubtfire -- director raja gosnell edited that film , and the makeup effects were similarly created by greg cannom -- but there's just as strong a whiff of tootsie in the main character's attempt to use his alternate identity to get closer to a woman . unfortunately , big momma's house makes a ridiculous decision neither of those other films made : instead of having the protagonist pose as a completely manufactured character unfamiliar to anyone elses , it places malcolm in the position of playing a friend and family member to several other characters . suspension of disbelief in big momma's house requires you to believe every other person in the film is blind and/or stupid , since no one notices that one big momma looks or sounds absolutely nothing like the other . of course , laughs trumps logic every time , and big momma's house probably still would have worked in spite of its utter disdain for common sense if it had just managed to be funny . and it misses its best possible opportunity for some great farce by ignoring the simple fact that the real big momma is set up as a foul-tempered beast , while malcolm has to be nurturing in order to get the information he wants out of sherry . unfortunately , no one involved appears to have the faintest idea how to deal with the comic gold mine involved in one real person pretending to be another , very different real person , so they fall back on an endless parade of sight gags : malcolm reacting violently to big momma's explosive diarrhea attack ; malcolm-as-momma schooling a pair of cocky teens in basketball ; malcolm trying to avoid detection as various prostheses give way at inopportune moments ; malcolm delivering a baby because big momma is the town midwife ( one of the few sequences that works ) . martin lawrence can be likeable enough at times , but there's no reason to care a whit about his budding romance with sherry because malcolm is never an independently significant character . he's just big momma without the makeup on . i won't waste time commenting on how ineptly the set-up of the escaped convict is employed , since it was clearly a waste of time to the film-makers . there are a few token scenes of lester looming as a threatening figure , but he's ultimately a distraction in a film that's really about its central visual incongruity ( and the accompanying lascivious glances at nia long's posterior ) . i'm never prepared to underestimate how appealing that idea may be to other people -- several million of them apparently found adam sandler as an incompetent surrogate parent appealing -- but i know that when a film-maker tries to throw a concept at me and pretend that it's an entire film , i duck out of the way . the gross implausibility of big momma's house might have been tolerable if it was seasoned with more big , cleverly-constructed laughs . its lack of big laughs might have been tolerable if its characters were at all relevant . big momma's house is ridiculous _and_ not funny . it's just a sad exercise in the jaded presumption that any scene should be considered wacky and hilarious if it involves martin lawrence in a fat suit and a dress . starring william baldwin ; cindy crawford & steven berkoff all right , the first problem that fair game has is the casting of supermodel cindy crawford in the lead role . not that cindy does that bad , it's just that anyone who watches this film knows from moment one that that little bit of casting was not done because of cindy's extraordinary acting skills , but for her extraordinary ability to look drop dead gorgeous in any situation . and in fair game most situations tend to find cindy either soaking wet or very hot and sweaty , but i'm sure that that is just a coincidence , no doubt that these situations were essential to the plot and the fact that cindy looks great wet , well , that's just a happy coincidence . sure . william baldwin isn't a bad actor . unfortunately , he just doesn't demonstrate it at all in this movie . i'm not sure if that's because most of his lines were just so hokey , or if he was trying to make cindy's acting look good . if it was the latter , it worked . cindy does a surprisingly good job here in her first movie . which is not to say that she doesn't have room for improvement . although to be fair to cindy , her lines were kinda cheesy in places . so right about now you are no doubt asking yourself what sort of movie does cindy crawford , arguably the most beautiful woman on the planet , chose for her foray into the world of cinema ? well , i'm glad you asked that question . cindy plays a lawyer who by some convoluted plot twists becomes a target for former elite kgb agents . why woud they target someone as likable as cindy , you ask ? by the end of the movie you won't care . the story is so contrived it isn't funny . anyway after cindy gets blown out of the window of her house , without getting so much as a scratch i might add , she is placed into protective police custody under the watchful eve of william baldwin . who's character , max kilpatric , a police detective , seems to possess the skills of some sort of fighting machine ( my guess is that the writers have seen way too many of steven seagal's early films ) . the point is that the idea of the crawford and baldwin's characters of the run from these killer russians isn't all that bad of an idea , it's just everything around that basic idea which kinda stinks out loud . the supporting cast members are nothing more that over acted stereotypes . if i was baldwin , i'd hope this film disappears . as for crawford , she may indeed have some acting ability . unfortunately , any she does have is obscured by writing that goes beyond bad . this movie was obviously written with cindy in mind , since the writers spend most of their time finding ways to capitalize off of her looks . it's too bad they hadn't spent more time on a half decent plot , since ms . crawford is more than capable of looking just fine all by herself thank you very much . unless you are a huge fan of either baldwin or crawford this is a movie that will only disappoint you . take a look at the following equation . . . . a christmas carol+ghostbusters=scrooged yes , scrooged is the odd mixture of sentiment , comedy and horror you would get if you mixed those two elements toghether . scrooged is alternatively sick , gross , funny , and then sickly soppy . bill murray plays frank cross , a t . v executive with a horrible personality . he's evil to secretary , actors , crew , everyone , except the t . v's station's boss , of course ( played by the late robert mitchum ) however , he is then visited by a very dead exec , who warns cross that he will be visited by three ghosts , past , present and future ( who is called the ghost of yet to come , for some reason ) sure enough , they arrive , show cross how much of a s . o . b he is , and he changes his way . however , throughout this simple plot , we've got to suffer outlandish special effects , poor comedy , and an very , very mean performance from bill murray . frank cross isn't 'funny' mean , he's just mean . he also isn't very good at emotional scenes , and totally destroys the last ten minutes of the film , with an utterly desperate speech saying how great christmas is , and how he has changed . however , the supporting cast are ok , with good performances from mitchum , allen ( who plays his girlfriend ) and john glover ( who plays cross's 'partner' ) the ghost of christmas past isn't that bad either . sadly , though , the audience has to suffer 25 minutes of 'home alone' style violence from the ghost of christmas present , played by carol kane . whoever thought smacking that kane smacking murray in the head with a toaster was funny , should be fired straight away . and the audience also has to suffer bobcat goldthwait ( the guy with the annoying voice in police academy 3 , if i remeber correctly . . . . ) who , thankfully , dosen't say much . the script is horrendous . michael o'donaghue churns out terrible , bad taste jokes ( which i guess is the whole point really ) then changes direction completely to emotional scenes . and he must of been on some drug when he wrote the final ten minutes , which are awful . the special effects look nice , but do nothing for the film . there's some impressive make up effects also . the music is also good , which is scored by danny elfman . but great effects and make up don't make a great film . scrooged is an appaling attempt to inject some christmas spirit into the audience , seeing as the first 1 hour 20 minutes of the film are so depressing anyway , and the last ten minutes had to make up for it with an godawful speech . why didn't cross just look out his exec window , and ask a young boy to buy a goose for him ? overall , then , you'd have a much better christmas if you avoid this film like something that should be avoided ( perhaps a plague ) synopsis : a maniac , crazed by virulent microphage , slaughters more than twenty people , including a street gang and heavily-armed troops , with a small knife . even with a handgun , however , he can't take out the two cops who are after him , despite having shot one of them a total of seven times . comments : the most notable aspect of adrenalin : fear the rush is that it marks a striking career move for natasha henstridge . not only does she manage to keep all her clothes on ( her trademark in earlier films such as species and maximum risk was to strip naked as often as possible ) , but she actually puts on even more clothes as the film progresses . this will probably disappoint many henstridge fans , but i welcome the change because henstridge is an attractive , capable actress who deserves less exploitative roles ( though , i admit , it doesn't show in this mess ) . henstridge , just like every other actor in the film , delivers a wooden performance in this monumental turkey . ( the cast also includes christopher lambert , who has appeared in the highlander and mortal kombat films . ) how on earth this movie got two big-name stars to appear in it is beyond me . adrenalin : fear the rush is set in boston ten years in the future ( 2007 ) . boston has changed dramatically in those ten years . it is now home to a bunch of interred foreigners and policed by cops who drive around in small cars with " policia " printed on their doors . some guy has a really bad virus , and he's killing people because of it . so , the brave good guys ( lambert and henstridge ) go after him . that's it . 76 minutes never seemed so long . this is a drawn-out chase scene through dimly-lit abandoned buildings turned into an entire movie . the plot development is nil ; we learn absolutely nothing about lambert's character and very little about henstridge's character . the dialogue is littered with unnecessary obscenities and concerns mindnumbingly idiotic arguments over who will go down the next dark corridor/tunnel/airduct next and who will carry the flashlight . a subplot does exist involving henstridge's character's illegal attempt to get her son out of boston . in her opening monologue , a monologue which sounds as though henstridge was reading from cue cards , we learn that she has gone to great lengths to secure a fake passport for her son . twenty minutes into the film , i wondered if the movie would have been better if it focused on this plot . in a defining scene of the movie , however , i changed my mind . this fake passport drops to the ground . lambert's cop immediately recognizes it as a fraud from six feet away . must not have been a good fake . this emphasizes another fault with the film . things just defy common sense . lambert's cop , for instance , is shot seven times , yet he is still able to talk and slide about . adrenalin : fear the rush ends in a trite manner that doesn't seem to even fit the mood that the filmmakers were trying for . i found myself rather bored with this film , which will disappoint both sci-fi/horror fans and fans of henstridge and lambert . don't fear the rush . fear the movie . watch something else . post-chasing amy , a slew of love-triangle movies : this month we have kissing a fool , co-starring amy's own lee , and april brings us the object of my affection , which may as well be titled chasing allan , for it is the story of a woman who falls in love with her gay roommate . ( to be absolutely six degrees of kevin bacon about it , that film stars schwimmer's friend jennifer aniston . ) if only kevin smith could write them all . . . schwimmer stars as womanizing chicago sportscaster max , who falls in love with his best friend jay ( lee ) 's book editor samantha ( avital ) a mere twenty-four hours after meeting her . they are soon engaged , and max , because of his own raging libido , grows suspicious of samantha's fidelity . he convinces jay to flirt with samantha during the development of his book , to " test her " . the trouble is , jay might be secretly in love with her . to stretch this flat , sitcom premise to feature length , the plot is framed by a climactic wedding , at which bonnie hunt recounts the triangular tale--the events leading up to the nuptials--to an annoying fat man and his silly girlfriend . hunt has the best comic timing of anyone in the film ; schwimmer can spin bad dialogue into mildly humorous dialogue ; and lee , poor lee , is miscast . so hysterically funny in chasing amy , here he is forced to repress his comic instincts : to swear , to yell , to talk about oral sex . . . the script's idea of a character trait is to stress that jay is a " sensitive man " , and then show him drinking pepto bismol when he's stewing over his girl trouble . as for avital , an israeli actress , she is warm and sweet , but we don't know anything about her character other than that it takes her an incredibly long time to realize the most obvious things . she also too closely resembles the stunningly beautiful kari wuhrer , who plays schwimmer's assistant and personal temptress , turning that particular subplot into an unintentional riff on vertigo . there are a handful , a smattering , of good scenes in kissing a fool . i enjoyed a moment in a comedy club , during which jay gets up and asks " has anyone here ever hated their girlfriend so much you wanted to kill her ? " over and over until he's booted off stage . there are also a few obviously improvised lines that are fresher than anything that's on the page . kissing a fool is never as clever as the thursday night joke-machine friends that spawned schwimmer's movie career , so save yourself eight dollars and watch three episodes of that series back to back . yet another brainless teen flick , this one is about , surprise , drugs and sex . stars katie holmes and sarah polly couldn't look more bored . their characters are cardboard cut-outs of every cliched teenager out there . one thing you need to know is i really hated this movie . everything about it annoyed the hell out of me . the acting , and script , the plot , and ending . the director ( of the fluke hit swingers ) could have very well directed a bunch of no-name actors and had a watchabe film . the " big " stars of go pretty much drown the project of any originality . i felt like i was watching dawson's creek episode 200 . although the film still would have stayed at red despite its cast . the " surprise " ending was sooo predictable . since when is a male character's sudden outing of the closet considered a surprise in hollywood anymore ? ? go is dawson's creek + varsity blues - she's all that = go home and watch something else . set in harlem during the great depression , rival gangster " families " go to war over control of " the numbers " , an illegal gambling lottery . " runners " take bets from potential lottery winners and deliver them to private locations for drawings . the undisputed leader of the harlem numbers is the madame queen ( cicely tyson ) who is challenged by dutch schulz ( tim roth ) , a ruthless hoodlum . by turning against the queen , dutch defies his partner , the infamous lucky luciano ( andy garcia ) , who wishes to respect the queen and keep the peace . the queens' army strengthens when an acquaintance , ellsworth " bumpy " johnson ( lawrence fishburne ) is released from prison and becomes a bodyguard for her . he proves himself worthy in short time as he thwarts an assassination attempt ( on himself and the queen ) , and later takes control of the queens army when she is jailed for tax evasion . bumpy's reign is not as restrained and subdued as the queen and he declares all out war on dutch . bloody gang warfare ensues . bumpy faces many obstacles during his reign . his new army questions his methods . his girlfriend ( vanessa l . williams ) and the queen disagree with his violent solutions . most importantly ( in his eyes ) , dutch has become a more formidable foe than he imagined , and seeks help from lucky luciano to assassinate him . there have been so many movies dealing with organized crime that it must be hard to write an original story dealing with it . this movie is not original at all . in fact , i was angered by how many similarities there was between this film and , arguably , the best gangster movie of all time , the godfather . if you are going to borrow ideas from another movie and not give credit , why not borrow from a lesser known movie ( say , millers crossing ? ) . how could the credited screenwriter chris brancato not give credit to mario puzo himself ? here are just some of the major similarities ( i stopped counting at 10 ) . crooked cop assaults blood relative of the leader . gang extracts revenge on crooked cop . wife ( or girlfriend ) questions her partners' murderous activities and leaves him . high ranking " officer " betrays the leader . blood relative of the leader murdered . war erupting between the " families " . high-ranking officer disapproves of the leader in front of other family members . new leader runs family differently from previous leader . large meeting with all families involved . the setup in this movie is done rather well . i enjoyed the portrayal of the network of " runners " sprinting through the streets collecting bets for the queens lottery . this was the way of life in harlem , and most people involved with the queen did so because it was the only way to support their families and put food on the table . number running was the only way for the harlem population to find work . i also enjoyed the interaction between the angry , violent dutch and the calm , patient lucky . after about the 30-40 minute mark all of the similarities with the godfather start appearing , one after the other ( and in short order ) . it was a huge distraction , and an insult to my intelligence . who was the screenwriter kidding here ? some of the individual performances were well done . andy garcia was very convincing as lucky , unfortunately his screen time is reduced to a supporting role . tim roth effectively plays the cocky villain , much like his roles in " the cook , the thief , his wife and her lover " and " rob roy " . the good performances and convincing setup during the first third of the movie do not make up for the lackluster story that follows . a couple of coincidences is one thing , over a dozen is an insult . directed by bill duke ellsworth bumpy johnson . . . . . . . lawrence fishburne dutch schultz . . . . . . . . . . . . tim roth lucky luciano . . . . . . . . . . andy garcia the queen . . . . . . . . . . . . . cicely tyson francine hughes . . . . . . . . . . vanessa l . williams illinois gordon . . . . . . . . . . chi mcbride written by randy turgeon , january 22 , 1998 at first glance , i thought that the sword and the sorceror had promise . its plotline goes like this : the evil king cromwell , desiring to take over the world , resurrects an evil , ancient sorceror , xusia for power . he attacks the kingdom of eh-dan and kills young prince talon's parents . given a triple-bladed sword ( which can shoot bad guys , like a gun ) by his dying father , talon vows for revenge . eleven years later , when he's established his own army , the mercaneries , he vows to take back his kingdom . along the way , he meets up with alana , whose village is attacked by drunken guards and her brother is kidnapped by cromwell . talon vows to help , and , after a series of minor escapades , eventually ends up rescuing alana's brother ( and several other prisoners ) , only to be captured himself ( in other words , put on a cross to be crucified ! ) . fortunately he frees himself , rescues alana from marrying cromwell , defeats xusia , and then cromwell , all with his triple bladed sword ( during the final battle , the blade breaks , but talon finishes cromwell off by using a hidden dagger in the blade ) . then , everything ends happily . unfortunately , the sword and the sorcerer is not even half as good as it sounds . what would have been a great film is completely destroyed by uneven plot jumping , bad acting , and gruesomely gory , bloody scenes . never once does the story seem to connect together , it just jumps around repeatedly . this problem is extremely noticeable in the opening scene where cromwell resurrects xusia . after telling him that he needs his help , he leads the warlock out into daylight , but then stabs him and sends him careening off a cliff afterwards . wait a minute , didn't the plotline say that he needs the help of xusia in order to invade eh-dan , which he cannot do by military force ? if that is the case , why does he dispose of xusia after resurrecting him ? and why does he manage to take over eh-dan anyway ? these questions are just never - no , never - answered in the film . another example is that one moment we see talon fighting for his life , another moment we see him just about to be crucified during alana's wedding to cromwell ( ! ) , and finally at the end , instead of settling down with alana , he just tells her to " wait " , and then he just rides off ! in addition to the extremely bloody scenes , this uneven plot jumping completely destroys what would have been a great fantasy adventure . even some attempts to make it exciting , a few fire scenes , battle scenes , don't work . it just completely fails altogether miserably . the only good thing about this film is its musical score , contributed by david whittaker , who had an ( extremely ) short music composing career . the score is boomy and adventurous , powerful , and a billion times better than this film is . my suggestion : steer the hell away from this bloody mess and buy the soundtrack album instead ( if you can find it ) . ironically , though , before the film's credits roll , there is a message indicating that a sequel , tales of the ancient empire , would follow . to my relief ( and delight ) , it never got into production , because the sword and the sorcerer laid an egg at the box office , grossing only $39 million . critics were right on in slamming the sword and the sorcerer , all right . leonard maltin rightfully called it " second rate in scripting , and acting " and at-a-glance film reviews called it " a confusing , stupid , unimaginative , unengaging , bloodfilled bore " . i totally agree with these reviews , all right , and i hope that this piece of #$% ! will be forgotten about . there are far better fantasy movies than the sword and the sorcerer . i hope you get a good laugh out of this review , but i am not laughing . in fact , my insults don't even come close to the gruesome sickness that this film gave me throughout its 100 minute running time . this movie stinks ! although it is professionally crafted and there are some decent performances , the plot is so bad it drags the film into the abyss . i knew i was in for trouble when , during the opening establishment shots , we see a detailed close-up of warrant officer paul brenner's ( john travolta ) military identification card and it is the wrong color . this might seem like a minor detail , but anyone who has spent anytime with the military knows that active duty identification cards are green and dependant cards are yellow . and what about the senior military officer whose uniform shirt is so wrinkled he looks like he is a recruit on his first day of training . or what about when brenner tells a suspect that , because he is in the military , he doesn't have the right not to answer his questions even though these rights were central to military law well before the miranda decision . how hard is it to get someone familiar with the military to check these facts ? now details like this could be overlooked if the underlying story held up , but this story is so full of holes it is painful to sit through . for example , at the beginning of the film , paul brenner , an undercover army investigator , gets into a gun and knife battle at his off-post houseboat and winds-up killing an arms dealer he had been investigating . the local police investigating the death are openly hostile to the military and they discover that brenner has been lying to them about the killing . but instead of arresting him , or at least take him into custody for further questioning , they release him . duh ! ultimately , brenner gets assigned to investigate the murder and possible rape of the commanding general's daughter , a young captain also assigned to the post . when brenner finds graphic sex tapes featuring the general's daughter , does he use them to generate a suspect list and begin grilling suspects . no , his instinct is to suppress them because they might be potentially embarrassing . eventually , brenner discovers that this murder is related to a violent gang rape at west point eight years earlier . i won't even go into the totally unbelievable rationale for the army's suppression of this horrendous crime . i will just mention one final flaw . brenner is investigating a crime that occurred in georgia . the rape occurred in west point , which is in new york . he is under a very tight ( and totally implausible ) 36-hour deadline to solve this case . he needs to discuss the rape with a psychiatrist at west point . does he phone the doctor ? no , he travels ( via some unexplained very fast transport ) to new york to question the psychiatrist in person , and then he returns to georgia ( again by the miracle transport ) , without once worrying about the impact any of this will have on his deadline . you have been warned , stay away from this one . " it was not scary . " these are the first words that came to mind after it was over . when a movie is called _vampires_ , " not scary " aren't words that should be associated with it . but that wasn't my only gripe . john carpenter is a name associated with cutting-edge cinema , as in the intense scares of _halloween_ , _the thing_ and _the prince of darkness_ , or the offbeat action of _they live_ and _escape from new york_ . unfortunately , the only thing that is cutting edge about _vampires_ is the level of boredom the movie is able to reach . with an anemic plot and not-quite-kosher special effects , _john carpenter's vampires_ has barely enough substance to slake the thirst of even the least discerning genre fan . the film is at first concerned with a group of roaming vampire slayers , led by james woods , of all people . like some sort of holy a-team ( they even have their own souped-up van ) , the bunch invade and wipe out a nest of vampires in a new mexico shack . their method is amusingly innovative : the blood-suckers are reeled out with harpoons so they can flare up in the sun like matchsticks . to commemorate their victory , the loutish band decorates a motel room with hookers and parties the night away . their celebration is short-lived , however , as a master vampire named valek ambushes and single-handedly destroys most of the team . woods' jack crow and buddy montoya ( daniel baldwin ) escape with their lives , along with a woman named katrina ( sheryl lee ) . although the woman has been bitten , montoya and crow decide to keep katrina for her psychic link to the master vampire . the rest of the movie is concerned with the boys' hunt for valek ( thomas ian griffith ) , a freaky marilyn manson-type who's on a mission that dates back 600 years . along the way they pick up a priest named guiteau ( tim guinee ) , a character who serves pretty much the same purpose as the jittery cpl . upham in _saving private ryan_ . some stuff happens in the middle of the movie , but i can't remember most of it , because i often found a twitching hair in the corner of the frame more interesting than what was happening on screen . _vampires_ finally starts to pick up about 90 minutes into the mix , as crow , guiteau , and montoya assault an abandoned prison-turned vampire nest . only then does the film begin to even resemble a carpenter flick . but it's too little too late . we get the inevitable final confrontation , but it seems tacked on and rather anti-climactic ( come on , we're dealing with _the_ master vampire here ! ) interestingly , last summer's vampire actioner _blade_ was derived from a comic book , and _vampires_ from a novel , yet the latter seems more steeped in campy cheesiness than the former , a more deliberate superhero flick . woods' jack crow spouts glib off-the-cuff one-liners and strolls away from exploding buildings with that oh-so-cool stride . and his motive for killing vampires ? take a wild guess . ( hint : a ______ killed his _____ when he was just a _____ . ) at least _blade_ had decent action and slick stylishness . _vampires_ lacks even cheap thrills to mask its gossamer-thin plot . to make up for this , the movie resorts to other " shocks , " such as its generally condescending attitude towards women ( crow slaps them around for the fun of it ) and an overplayed contempt for religion ( crow teases guiteau incessantly about whether his vow of celibacy has made him prone to " getting woodies . " ) it can be argued that maybe i wanted too much from this movie . if not scary and gory , i wanted tense , relentless , and exhausting . _john carpenter's vampires_ is none of these . i can only recommended it for the hardcore carpenter fan . for the rest of you looking for a good scare , beware : _vampires_ is a film with no teeth . perhaps best remembered as the recently departed news anchor on saturday night live who always started the segment with " . . . this is the fake news , " norm macdonald , at times , could elicit some laughter by blurting out semi-offensive phrases in his raspy voice , coated with a condescending attitude . his shtick was marked by crassness . in this movie , for example , when his girlfriend says that she's kicking him out because he's been fired from 14 different jobs over the last 3 months , he tries to calm the situation by saying , " maybe you'll feel better after we have some dirty sex . " this kind of humor can only go so far , but certainly can't go the distance in a full-length feature . " dirty work " , is nothing more than a sophomoric comedy about two best friends who grow up only physically . emotionally , they've never outgrown their pubescent years , which is somewhat amusingly explored in a beginning flashback . although having no apparent real world skills , the one thing that these two have always been adept at is getting back at people . if the meter maid was unjust in giving you a ticket , then dump a bunch of unpopped kernels of corn onto the engine block and watch the car burst apart . mitch ( norm macdonald ) and sam ( artie lange ) need to come up with $50 , 000 in a period of two weeks so that sam's dad ( jack warden ) can have a heart operation . their idea is to start a revenge-for-hire business where they'll do your dirty work . in the funniest scene ( and possibly the only funny scene ) of the movie , they take advantage of a live television shoot at a nearby used car lot . their presence is established , but when a less-than-honorable real estate developer hires them and then reneges on the payment , the two go to work to exact their sordid brand of revenge . by default , dirty work should treat us to some outrageous revenge plots , but it delivers jerky boys level material . except for the bit at the used car lot ( and possibly another episode that involves frat brothers ) , the dirty work is uninspired and becomes about as funny as a prank phone call . already weak on material , it further spirals itself towards the video store by having jack warden constantly blurt out that he has an unsatisfied libido and needs 'broads' and also includes a very unfunny chevy chase as a bumbling doctor with a gambling addiction . but what's really painfully evident is that norm macdonald has no versatility as an actor . relying on his trademark of speaking into his personal recorder and saying " note to self " ( " note to self : learn to fight , " he says after getting beat up ; " note to self : there's always beer , " he says after hitting rock bottom ; etc . ) , we feel like we're just watching an elongated rehash of his not-so-glorious days on saturday night live . much like the television show , for 90 minutes we get one or two funny bits . the rest of the story is just dead space . summer movies are , by nature , dumb affairs that are usually made for some quick enjoyment and to make money . wild wild west , the latest will smith affair , follows much the same formula , except that it is dumber and less enjoying than most summer movies . will smith plays jim west , a black sheriff with a nice line in sunglasses . he is called by president grant ( kline ) to go on a mission to find out why top government scientists are disappearing . west is paired up with scientist artemus gordon ( kline again ) and the two track the missing scientists to a legless mastermind , named dr . loveless ( branagh , with a zany moustache . ) before i pile on with the many negatives in this sorry affair , i'll give it a chance with the positives . there's a nice credit sequence , the production design by bo welch is pleasing to the eye , and the special effects are decent enough . there's also a pleasant soundtrack . buried deep in the dross are one or two amusing jokes . and salma hayek pops up as the female interest , which is always nice to see . apart from these factors , though , nothing else in wild wild west works . firstly , there's little chemistry between smith and kline , who appears to be in it purely for the money . one would expect zingers passing between the two : none arise . both of them plod through the below standard plot , knowing that there is a pay cheque waiting at the end . not even kenneth branagh provides much entertainment : although he is over the top , the material doesn't present much opportunity for branagh to be truly crazy . therefore , he just comes across as loud as obnoxious . the only enjoyable performance comes from the sexy salma hayek , who is given so little screen time it's embarrassing . she appears to be in the film to merely show off her body , and be ogled at by kline and smith . her character also changes at a whim to fit the mechanics of the script , and there is no sense of realism about the character . the 'humour' in the film is also very off . will smith put a little spin to his daft lines in men in black , here , not even smith could save the humour on display . the script largely boils down to insults that aren't very funny , and one-liners that barely raise a smirk . it's also somewhat racist , although it doesn't intend to be , with one scene with jim west trying to wisecrack his way out of a lynching , and actually says slavery is good to save himself . it's not a funny scene , and the whole thing comes off rather uncomfortably . the film also makes the tragic mistake that a man ( in this case kline ) in a dress is automatically unfunny , it isn't , but the wild wild west makes this joke even more painful to watch through pure ineptness . there's also problems with the plot . jim west and artemus gordon get caught up in all kinds of sticky situations , but the way they get out of them are always unsatisfying , and rely purely on luck , rather than audience pleasing skill . plot elements are introduced into the film , and then thrown away just as quickly . the main piece of the story , a 80 foot mechanical , steam driven spider devised by loveless looks rather impressive , but there's no particular reason why it should be built . why not loveless build a great big tank , instead of an ungainly , fragile piece of machinery that's just begging to be blown up ? director barry sonnenfeld always has a breezy look to them , with some nice camera tricks , but even this is missing from this stilted affair . wild wild west could have benefited from sonnenfelds whacked out style of directing , but not much of it is evident , making this film drag out even more . it's a sad thing when _four_ ( credited ) screenwriters , a talented director and a willing star can't make a film work , and eventually wild wild west collapses under it's sexist , mildly racist , unfunny weight . what were they thinking ? nostalgia for the seventies is bad enough , but do we really need an eighties film ? robbie hart ( adam sandler ) used to want to be a rock and roll star , but in 1985 he's singing at weddings and having a good time . a romantic at heart , he loves weddings and is just about to get married to his high-school sweetie . when she leaves him waiting at the altar , his tune changes to " love stinks " . he meets waitress julia ( drew barrymore ) who is engaged to a junk-bonds salesman and you know that they are going to get together . in fact you know everything that is going to happen during this movie . sandler is somewhat adequate in his leading man role , but there is no spark . barrymore doesn't seem to be able to convey anything other than a pretty face with nothing behind it : beauty but no attitude . both characters are just there . bit parts by steve buscemi and jon lovitz steal the show . the eighties are shoved in our face . references to deloreans , madonna , " dallas " , ivana and donald , burt and loni and " miami vice " get old fast . the filmmakers must have realized that there wasn't much entertainment to the story and thought they could dazzle the audience with humorous period allusions . they're not funny and it doesn't work . with change on all fronts accelerating more and more , nostalgia appears to have a great appeal , but don't you think we could have more than 14 years before we yearn for the past . maybe we can look forward to a film next year waxing nostalgically about el nino . ( michael redman has written this column for over 23 years and he knows that nostalgia is not what it used to be . ) and just when you thought joblo was getting a little soft around the corners , not rating anything lower than your standard " this movie sucks " , along comes this cinematic atrocity and he's forced to take out his secret weapon and spray it with a stench so thick , even the bravest movie-goer would think twice about seeing this waste of time . yes , despite being a third sequel to a successful original movie , the latest highlander doesn't seem to have anything going for it . oh stinky movie , let me count thee ways . . . plot : ( from what i understood ) a really bad highlander dude comes to the present looking to whack out the nice highlander dudes in order to gain their power and become the mightiest immortal . . . or something along those lines . critique : a complete and utter mess . disjointed , incoherent , boring , corny , filled with bad dialogue . . . and that's just the first thirty minutes ! this film doesn't seem to know what to do with itself . it's confusing to anyone who doesn't know the series ( i include myself in that group ) and apparently idiotic to those who do know the series ( i include die-hard highlander fan the arrow in that group ) . the film doesn't explain anything about itself . . . it just goes from one inexplicable situation to another . one moment they're in the present time , the next moment , they're in italy in the 1600s . why ? who knows . what are they talking about ? no idea . flashbacks mixed in with the present , mixed in with a few spontaneously cheesy fight sequences every now and again , and i even remember seeing one flashback scene which went even further into its own flashback scene ! ! hullo . . . ? ! ? confused yet ? i was and i basically stopped giving a crap about anyone in the film when i realized that neither the writer or director was interested in presenting me with any kind of semblance of a story . random swordplay , mad max-like dudes showing up in motorcycles in the 1800s ? or were they in the present at that time ? who knows . . . and to be honest . . . who seriously cares ! this series should have been shot in the head and put out of its own misery a long time ago , but sadly , someone at the studio decided that it still had a little life left in it . please , please . . . for the love of god and all that is holy in the world of movie-making , and mostly out of respect for those who loved the original film , put this series to bed and end it ! even christopher lambert knew enough to play second fiddle to adrian paul in this one . the director also tries to do the best he can with the muddled material , but all he could come up with is plenty of slo-mo action , some fast-motion fight scenes and lots of smoke everywhere . and is there anything spectacular about the sword-play or fight scenes ? nope . and i think we all could have done without all those zooming lambert face close-ups . . . yipes , the man is not aging gracefully , is he ? oh boy , and i haven't even gotten around to the greatest piece of over-acting that i've seen in years . the man who plays kell in this movie , bruce payne , should get a ham trophy for literally chewing up every piece of scenery that he gets near . overacting is not a hobby for this guy . . . it's a living ! he's also very funny , not purposely though . all in all , the movie stinks . nuff said . `bats' is an insulting slap across the face for any dedicated horror movie fan . to pull something like this off , you need to have a sense of wit and style , with a heavy dosage of humor to back up the process if the fright factor ever declines . something like the underground worm thriller `tremors' had just the perfect mixture of these elements , and in return , the film was tremendous fun . with the notable exception of a wisecracking supporting player , `bats' mainly plays it's premise for straight-arrow horror . judging by the ridiculous premise , this was not exactly a wise move . the movie attempts to capture the essence of alfred hitchcock's `the birds' , but fails miserably . done right , it could have been adequately amusing halloween cinema . unfortunately , `bats' is a prime example of a formula movie done terribly , terribly wrong . the only thing amusing about this festering pile of guano is in how intelligible the filmmakers anticipate their core audience to be . i will recite the following paragraph in a manner that will reach the audience of individuals to whom `bats' is aimed toward . those guys in hollywood have made a movie about bats . these bats are not very nice , because they eat a lot of people . boy , are these bats ugly . they are infected with this bogus virus that makes them super-duper smart . they've got big claws and red eyes and they are not very friendly at all . a whole bunch of people in texas get killed , so a sheriff guy and a scientist lady are brought in to kill the bats . they have big guns and other cool things to fight them with , but the bats are pretty smart , so it's sorta hard to do . the bats swoop down and they shoot at them to make they go away for good . but no , `bats' is probably too violent for pre-schoolers . the film , directed by louis morneau , should have ventured straight into video stores . on the small screen , perhaps more fun could have been derived with lower expectations . but sitting through this crapper on the big screen is almost awkward ; although at a few moments it becomes a guilty pleasure , the film is poorly written , poorly acted and executed with glaring ineptitude . even the bats themselves are cheesy , and the attack sequences too rushed and jittery to be properly enjoyed . the sheriff in the story is emmett kimsey ( lou diamond phillips ) , who embodies every pathetic stereotype a small-town authority figure usually portrays ( he chomps on a cigar , struts contentedly in his boots , etc . . . ) . the scientist is dr . sheila casper ( dina meyer ) , who specializes in flying mammals and is classified as `the best in her field' . meyer uses a lot of technical terms designed to make the movie seem more intellectually capable , but everything about dr . casper is recycled beyond recognition . her memories of how she became hooked on the topic of bats sounds suspiciously like oceanographic student matt hooper's tale of how he became infatuated with sharks in `jaws' . everything revolving around `bats' is tired drivel , which desperately requires some directorial style or acting capabilities to spruce it up . the supporting cast could have been constructed out of straw , with voices dubbed in later . in fact , that may have worked out better in the end . take one glance at casper's bat-loathing sidekick jimmy ( leon ) , and you'll have immediate deja vu - he's the exact same humorous buddy caricature from every other movie , constructed specifically for timed comic relief . unfortunately , none of his comic interludes are funny . in the role of deranged mad scientist dr . mccabe , the reliable bob gunton gets cornered with the most hideously idiotic character in the bunch . mccabe `accidentally' released two experimental test subjects , and the virus spread to other bats . the entire town of gallup , texas is under attack from an enormous swarm of the creatures , but gunton appears to be inconspicuously contemplating something else . something like : `when is the damn movie going to be over ? ? i just want my money . ' the bats are ugly , i must say . there's the occasional moment where they look moderately convincing , but mainly , the swarm is represented in cheesy digital imagery . only bits of the bloody action even hint at the campy fun the film could have been , but by the absurdly stupid climax , it's way too late in the game for a decent recovery . characters experiment in slaughtering the bats with gunfire . let's explore the logic there : is this really a very efficient way to decrease the bat population ? ? you could empty an entire clip at the flying winged serpents and not even wound one , and after that there are only 18 , 000 more of them . this kind of behavior represents the regular level of intelligence behind `bats' . the most interesting part of " can't hardly wait " just happens to be not only the most human , but for many of us , the one part that many of us can easily relate to . that is the character of denise ( lauren ambrose ) , the film's sole sarcastic member who mocks everything that goes on in the film , and at one point sits down on a couch and looks totally bored . the film wisely holds over this moment , nicely showing her alienation in the midst of a large high school party . . . almost too nicely . for some members of the audience ( read : me ) , this is basically a mirror of what's going on with them watching this film . we sit there wondering why we've even bothered to see a film about a long high school party we probably never felt the desire to go to in the first place . i would actually highly recommend this film if it satirized all of this . after all , this film is filled with a bunch of pathetic stereotypes much of which i went to high school with . everyone's here : the jock , the homecoming queen , the nerd ( and his dominions of trekkies and x-philes ) , the alienated wannabe writer , the school spirit girl , the pothead ( s ) , the wigger , etc , etc , etc , and weirdly enough this film shows them as superficial , lame , and basically as a bunch of losers . except for denise , who rolls her eyes at everything , and easily becomes the most likable character even before she speaks ( her yearbook entry , something which is done for each main character , quotes oscar wilde - definite pointers there ) . unfortunately , the writers and directors take several major misteps on the way to making this into an admirable and even likable film . the film , as i said , portrays most of its characters as superficial and just totally ignorant to everything . however , instead of sticking with this , perhaps even going a bit further with it , they let this lie , and actually make these characters into our heroes . we follow several of them , all a bunch of moronic stereotypes with only a shread of humanity and realism , and tries to tell boring and overly melodramatic tales about them as if we actually cared and/or identified with them . and if we did , we certainly don't want to revisit that state of being . here's a quick low-down : it's graduation , and we follow a bunch of seniors on the last night , otherwise known as the " american grafitti " or , to a lesser extent , the " dazed and confused " cliche . the formal just followed them as they drove aimlessly ; the latter did a little bit of that and featured a big outdoor keg party . " can't hardly wait " just opts for a big indoor keg party , and a little bit of aimless driving , albeit of the i'm-whining-because-i-can't-get-a-girl-i-want brand . we follow many people around , but mostly we trail preston ( ethan embry , of " that thing you do ! " ) , the alienated writer , who's been pining over the homcoming queen , amanda ( the totally overrated jennifer love hewitt ) , for the entirety of high school because he thinks they shared a moment their freshman year over a freaking pop tart . now that she's broken up with her football player boyfriend , mike ( peter facinelli ) , he decides to go to the party with a note he's written declaring his " love " for her in the hopes he'll build up the guts to give it to her . . . even though he's leaving for a multi-week intensive writing program hosted by none other than kurt vonnegut ( okay : the ingenius vonnegut or some icky noxema spokesperson ? ) . since that plot is incredibly lame and a track record of what goes on with it wouldn't be able to carry a commercial let alone a feature film , and because it's a party , there are some more main characters , such as : william ( charlie korsmo , finally surfacing after " dick tracy " ) , the nerd ( and his dominions ) who has come up with a ridiculous plan to publically sabotage mike , who's humiliated him for years , but gets too caught up in drinking to do it ; kenny ( seth green ) , the wigger , who has decided that this party will be where he will finally get laid ( uh huh ) ; and denise , the only exceptional character , who unfortunately gets stuck in a bathroom ( don't ask ) with kenny where the two characters let down their characters and are allowed to follow the laws of plot cliches from point a to point b with nary a bit of characterization involved after awhile . ugh . the main comparison this film is getting to another film is actually not " american grafitti " or " dazed and confused , " two films that embraced and ultimately made humans out of many of its high schoolers ( not to mention were extremely entertaining ) , but to john hughes films of the 80s , most notably " sixteen candles . " the big difference in the two is that that film managed to not only embrace but even satirize its main characters , and did so equally and in an entertaining fashion . this film forgets to satirize its characters , and ultimately tells a story about a bunch of uninteresting stereotypes . . . and then says that it's all okay . we can't take this film seriously , nor can we take this as fun , so really what good is it ? but i will tell you some things i did like : i liked the direction , except for a couple too-over-the-top features , like way-too-glossy jump cuts ( it's like an oxymoron ) and other obscurities . generally , though , elfont and kaplan do have graceful camera movement , and even manage to capture an altman-esque feel to their film from time to time ( a thing with a note , though , is too hokey to really be admirable ) . i actually did like seth green , for once in about a decade ( when he played a very young woody allen in " radio days " ) - his desintegration of his wigger character was almost believable . . . almost . and , of course , lauren ambrose is wonderful as denise , the one character we could have used some more of , even though it would have changed the entirety of the film . however , the character of denise really doesn't work with the film , when really thought about . she's far too witty and realized ( at least for the first half ) to belong in this film , and whenever she appears , she automatically gives everything a delightfully satirical tone . she's not just the cynic or the intellectual ; she's just a very interesting character who provides entertainment even if it further damages other already damaged characters . she may ruin the film more , but at least when she's on screen we can sit up and think to ourselves " well , at least we'll be entertained . " a couple other things that just don't work : mike's character , who suffers an epiphany throughout the film but in the end acts as though he has forgotten everything : too much the sacrificial lamb for the film in general ; the aimless , bitchy driving by preston to try and get over his inability to shack up with amanda - give me a break ; and perhaps the one thing that just doesn't work at all : jenna eflman's uncredited cameo as an angel - just didn't work , but nice try . basically the worst thing about this film , the real reason i'm giving this such a low rating , is because it refuses to give us any fully realized characters and then insists we follow around complete stereotypes from other movies doing things that are inane and unlike anything we'd do . we don't feel for these characters because for most of us , we aren't stereotypes going through the motions to worn subplots . the acid test for high school movies is : does it at all capture the feel of what it's portraying ? the answer for this film is no . nice try , though . the film may be called mercury rising , but that title doesn't describe the trajectory taken by this motion picture , a routine thriller that combines government cover-ups with a cloying and poorly-motivated buddy story . the " hook " that is supposed to make mercury rising unique is that the young protagonist is autistic . however , aside from giving actor miko hughes a chance to win raves for his performance , this particular aspect of the film comes across as nothing more than a convenient plot device . those expecting to see even a semi-thorough exploration of the condition will be disappointed . mercury rising treats autism with the same degree of efficiency that many action thrillers accord to alcoholism . the script for mercury rising is exceptionally tiresome and hard- to-swallow . i don't know whether the problem is in the original book , simple simon , or in the screenplay adaptation , but this movie easily exceeds the intangible threshold beyond which a suspension of disbelief is no longer possible . once again , certain standby plot elements -- the high-level government conspiracy and the maverick law enforcement agent -- are recycled , and not to good effect . while bruce willis can play the action hero as well as anyone in hollywood , this particular outing leaves him marooned in situations that are characterized by too little tension and too much nonsense . the story begins with a formulaic sequence in which the tough fbi agent with a heart of gold , art jeffries ( bruce willis ) , is confronted with his own failure . unable to resolve a hostage crisis in time , he is forced to observe as two teenagers are shot to death . the event weighs heavily on his conscience and heavy-handedly establishes his motivation for protecting 9-year old simon lynch ( miko hughes ) when he discovers the autistic child hiding in a closet after his parents have been gunned down by the evil hit man who looks like an ex-football player . soon , art and simon are on the run from seemingly everyone -- fleeing for their lives and bonding at the same time , with the evil hit man who looks like an ex-football player always just a step behind them . along the way , they are helped by the best friend who defies orders to help out his buddy ( chi mcbride ) and the supporting female who may or may not become a love interest ( kim dickens ) . why is simon in danger and why were his parents turned into swiss cheese by the evil hit man who looks like an ex-football player ? apparently , the government has spent millions of dollars developing an ultra-secret code called " mercury . " to make sure it can't be cracked , they do the most intuitive thing possible : place a sample of it in a " nerds' puzzle magazine . " of course , no one can solve it -- no one except autistic simon , that is . when he calls the phone number listed in the solution , he gets the nsa . as a result , the cold-hearted , sneering government man ( alec baldwin ) decides that simon has to be eliminated -- for the good of the country , of course . but he hasn't counted on the tough fbi agent with a heart of gold , even though everyone in the audience has . it's hard to get worked up about a routine thriller that doesn't do anything exceptionally well , and does quite a few things rather poorly . for those who are desperate to find elements of this movie to like , mercury rising manages to manufacture tension from time-to-time , but even the most exciting scenes ( such as the one where art and simon are crouched down , avoiding passing trains ) aren't that pulse-pounding . the climactic struggle is a real ho-hum affair which leads to a finale that is painful in its obviousness . overall , director harold becker is constantly struggling ( and failing ) to generate even a moment that isn't derivative or obligatory . bruce willis' star seems to be fading . this is his fourth straight lackluster outing , following last man standing , the fifth element , and the jackal . willis isn't terrible , but this is the kind of role he can sleepwalk through , and often does . alec baldwin , combining elements of his characters from glengarry glenn ross and malice , does some scenery- chewing , but his performance is surprisingly lacking in menace . the film's real star is young miko hughes ( heather langenkamp's son in wes craven's new nightmare ) , who does as good a job as dustin hoffman playing an autistic individual , but is about 50 years younger . mercury rising joins the likes of hard rain , the replacement killers , and u . s . marshals on the heap of pallid 1998 thrillers . for those who like action and adventure in the theater , this has not been a good year . hopefully , the advent of summer will change that . until then , the best choices ( for bruce willis or any other action hero ) are on video . and , if you're determined to see mercury rising , check out the morning sky in early may . " alcohol and drugs = bad . not alcohol and drugs = good . got it ? " just when you though you've seen enough of brave young women dealing with their personal problems on screen , be that insanity or alcoholism , hollywood releases yet another one of those 'deep , emotional stories about finding yourself' . . '28 days' is practically a visualization of the usual 'meaningful' true stories that people are so proudly retelling at aa-meetings . gwennie ( sandra bullock ) is a young woman who drowned her problems in alcohol . for her life was a big party , with no beginning and no end . this behavior has of course estranged her from her only sister and from life itself . her existence is filled with endless parties and comic episodes . such as when she got drunk with boyfriend jasper ( dominic west ) , borrowed her sister's ( elizabeth perkins ) wedding limo and crashed it into someone's house . this time she had to pay with a 28 day stay in court-ordered rehab . here she must realize that the only thing that can save her is her is redemption , willpower and commitment . most important she must realize her place and direction in life and understand that her life is not just a big party . the film itself feels like a rehab program , whining and moaning about things that have been said and written a million times . it is a classic cautionary tale . an echo . a big , fat and expensive clich ? . a shadow of last year's 'girl , interrupted' , which likewise followed in the footsteps of great masterpieces like 'the cuckoo's nest' and 'trainspotting' . director betty thomas has stuffed her film with so many failures and errors , that it is impossible to sum them all up in one review . for some paranoid reason she decided to make her film a drama/comedy . jokes and funny characters almost deliberately delude you from the really important and complex issues : alienation , despair , terror , confusion , loneliness . and what awesome power and strength of character it actually takes to overcome all that and become clean . isn't that what the filmmakers wanted to show in the first place ? even the transition process itself seems like a walk in the park . betty thomas' idea of hell is a cozy , homey place where happy alcoholics and cheerful drug addicts are not allowed to smoke , drink or watch tv after 11 . it is simply too light , simplified and unnecessary sweet to be taken seriously . but the worst thing about it is that it actually thinks that it is saying something of significance . that it actually tries to educate the audience with its extremely predictable and primitive story . " all you need to do is just say no " , says dr . cornell ( steve buscemi ) as if was the revelation of the century . and that's how simple it is ! in fact i would rather watch 'lost in space' once again , than return to '28 days' . as for acting , it's acceptable , but hardly anything else . for sandra bullock it's an opportunity to demonstrate that she is capable of more than 'speed' . she handles her part with a surprising professionalism and ease that certainly saves the film from being a complete flop . dominic west shines as the source of gwenie's devilish temptations , but elizabeth perkins' and steve buscemi's great talents are wasted on unnoticeable and shallow characters . although intellectually 'girl , interrupted' was a greater achievement , '28 days' is superior in its visual aspect . there are some nice flash back sequences and occasionally impressive pacing , but the overall technical aspect of this film is on the ground floor . the most important thing is that we've seen it before and it was a lot better . 'clean and sober' , 'only when i laugh' , 'when a man loves a woman' , 'leaving las vegas' and many other stronger films were made about the same issues . so what's the point ? in other words '28 days' doesn't contribute to the moviemaking business on any level . if you're caught in a snowstorm or bolts of lightning fall from the sky and you're standing in front of the movie theatre , you might as well go in and watch '28 days' . under all other circumstances stay away , because this film equals $8 and 103 minutes lost . capsule : combine one quart of raiders of the lost ark , a dash of a jackie chan movie ( sans jackie ) , two teaspoons of gun- and swordplay , and a dollop of cgi . simmer for 100 minutes . yields : zilch . the phantom is a depressing and tired retread of so many earlier , better movies that after the fifteen-minute mark i started cataloguing them out loud . it's hard to make a good action-adventure movie that doesn't simply recycle its predecessors , and i've seen movies that even at least did the recycling gracefully . the phantom , allegedly based on the long-running comic of the same name , doesn't even bother to be graceful . it's a stupid and incompetent movie in too many ways to list , but i'll try . the film opens up with a " prelude " sequence that looks like it was slashed to ribbons in the editing and then given a heavy voice-over to compensate for whatever got thrown out . we go from there to a jungle sequence that , i swear to god , recycles the truck-chase scene from raiders of the lost ark note-for-note , possibly even shot-for-shot , right down to the moment where indy wrenched open the door and slung one of the drivers out into the brush -- and then goes on to rip off the rope-bridge scene from " sorcerer " as well ! sorcerer , as you may well remember , was a remake of a french movie , the wages of fear , in which a bunch of lowlifes were paid piles of money to drive a truck loaded with nitro through horrible jungle terrain . both versions of that movie were far more interesting than this flick , but i've got my job to do , so back to the salt mines we go . anyway , the cinematic theft doesn't stop there . or at least the lack of inspiration . there isn't a single thing here we haven't seen , and it's not given to us in a way that remotely evokes our interest . we have ( where's my list ? ) a bad girl , a tough good girl , a secret cave hideaway ( which seems inspired more by dr . no than anything else ) , a boardroom meeting that drips with greed and venality , magical artifacts of terrible power , and cary-hiroyuki tagawa wasted in another stupid role where he gets to wear a fu manchu mustache and sneer a lot and generally humiliate himself . what else is there ? the plot is a waste of time . the sets alternate between big but hokey -- and tiny and still hokey . there are lines in the script that are just begging to be mst3ked -- and i'm sure once mike and the 'bots get the cash , they'll stick it on their sked . the only thing in the movie worth noting is billy zane -- he's a good actor , and he tries very hard , even when the script is sending him down one dead alley of a scene after another . all i can say is that i pray this isn't the beginning of the end for him -- although it sure looks like the final nail in the coffin for the comic-book super-hero movie . a new entry in the " revisionist history " genre of filmmaking , dick suggests that two not-too-bright teenage girls are the cause of the uncovering of the nation's biggest presidential scandal . kirsten dunst and michelle williams star betsy and arlene , who while trying to deliver a fan letter from arlene's watergate hotel room , accidentally stumble across g . gordon liddy ( played dead-on by harry shearer ) and the infamous break-in . when they recognize liddy later on during a white house field trip , they are ushered into a conference room , questioned as to what they know , and leave as official presidential dog walkers . the girls manage to unwittingly uncover every bit of the watergate scandal while performing their duties , but have no clue as to what they are getting involved with . when they discover that nixon ( another dead-on performance by dan hedaya , who actually favors nixon slightly , unlike anthony hopkins ) has been abusive to checkers , the presidential dog , thanks to the conversations that he always recorded , they quit and become disillusioned . during a prank phone call the girls make to woodward and bernstein , events are set into motion that eventually lead to the president's resignation . this film starts off promisingly with an aged woodward and bernstein arguing with each other on an obvious larry king-type talk show ( featuring a cameo by french stewart ) about revealing the identity of " deep throat " . from there , we are subjected to bodily function humor and just about every bad " dick " joke one can derive from this type of supposed comedy . at one point , the girls are having to scream over a high school band playing on the steps of the lincoln memorial . the band manages to stop right as dunst screams " you have to stop letting dick run your life ! " much to the horror of everyone standing within earshot . several other variations on this wordplay surface all throughout the film . if this movie had been smarter i would have been less likely to fault it's juvenile bathroom humor , but it's not . the film was apparently made for relatively younger people because every major player in the watergate scandal is introduced and shoved down the audience's throat in the least subtle way possible . i don't recall oliver stone's nixon having to pander to it's audience , but of course that film wasn't a comedy aimed squarely at a 13-20 year-old film going audience . the only redeeming thing about this movie is it's remarkable supporting cast . i wanted to see more of ferrell and mcculloch's woodward and bernstein . those two characters are the sole basis for my rating . i wish they had been given more screen time , but unfortunately , they are only relegated to the final half-hour . their constant bickering and fighting over trying to get the story are a major highlight , especially mcculloch's constant thwarting of ferrell's attempts to gather information from the girls ( who , in the course of the narrative are revealed as deep throat , so named thanks to an ill planned trip to a porno theater by betsy's brother ) . the other members of the cast are excellent in their portrayals of their particular characters , but are given nothing to work with . i'd like to see the same cast portray these characters in a script more suited towards their comedic abilities . as for the two leads , dunst and williams can definitely do better . they come off as what could best be described as romy and michele : the early years in this particular film , a highly dubious distinction at best . stay through the first half of the end credits though , to see an interesting scene involving dunst and williams suggestively sucking on lollipops emblazoned with the title of the movie . an excellent idea marred by poor execution , dick could have been a great movie . less of the juvenile humor and more of the smarter comedy displayed by the woodward and bernstein scenes , could have made this film a wonderful satire of the nixon presidency as seen through the eyes of two naive fifteen year olds . as it stands though , dick offers nothing but what filmmaker kevin smith so accurately defines as " dick and poopie " jokes . and that , to me , does not make a funny movie . [pg-13] words i thought i'd never write : the sequel to urban legend lacks the grace , wit , and power of the original . put the gun to my head , pull the trigger , and put me out of my misery . better yet , put the horror genre out of its misery . when you've finished watching urban legends : final cut , you'll share my same grim point of view thanks to the horrible acting , terrible script , and ridiculous directing which has become all too common today . urban legends : final cut is a smorgasbord of stolen movie ideas ( mainly from the blair witch project and scream ) : fabulous people with perfect teeth and skin , one creepy film school , and a dog eating a freshly removed kidney from one of the movie's hapless victims . urban legends delivers a story about a bunch of film students working on their thesis films to win the coveted " hitchcock award " which guarantees the winner a director deal in hollywood . one female filmmaker ( jennifer morrison , the freaky dead girl from stir of echoes ) writes a fiction script based on a serial killer who kills his victims according to " urban legend " tales . suddenly , her entire crew starts getting bumped off with urban-legendary homicides , but the bodies are always missing and she is often the only witness to the killings . the killer wears a fencing mask and a long black overcoat , looking like a scorned olympian out to avenge his defeat in sydney . why this is scary is never explained . of course , the golden rule of sequels is that there must be least one recurring character for continuity's sake . urban legends has one minor , recurring character from the original who we never cared about anyway ( the security guard , of all people ) . the other central problem is that this character has already seen the urban legend killings once before , but she's utterly clueless about what's going on around her . call it suspension of disbelief . this film is also a prime example of how horror films are now completely dead in the water . the last decent horror film was the blair witch project , and that seemed more like a snuff film than fiction . the stalking killer with crazy motivation has become a tired clich ? , as everyone seems to have forgotten : real horror is not about what is seen but about what is unknown . godzilla is the ultimate culmination of the " who cares about plot " summer movie . a loose remake of the 1954 " classic " japanese monster movie , godzilla , king of the monsters ( which is itself pretty thin in the story department ) , roland emmerich and dean devlin's big-budget lizard-stomps-manhattan disaster flick has been written with the brain dead in mind . the script isn't just " dumbed down , " it's lobotomized . godzilla lives and dies on special effects alone . presumably , the primary target group for this film is teenage boys , the demographic most likely to shell out $7 repeatedly to see the same images of monster-instigated carnage . that's not to say that females and other age groups are immune to the special effects seduction ; they're just not as readily susceptible . this is the third straight movie in a row where emmerich and devlin have demonstrated that a mastery of computer-generated visuals is far more important for making money than the ability to write and direct for actors . stargate was a financial success . independence day was a runaway hit . and , with godzilla already drowning in hype and merchandising tie-ins before it even opens , it's virtually guaranteed at least $100 million . nice numbers for a film that could have been penned by a not-too-precocious grade school kid . godzilla isn't completely without merit , although it is close . there's a certain visceral thrill inherent in watching the giant lizard rip his way through manhattan , but it wears off quickly . frankly , while the special effects are competent , they're not all that stunning . there's nothing new here ; it's jurassic park meets aliens , with a little independence day thrown in for bad measure . maybe it will require george lucas and his new star wars movie to take computer-generated visuals to the next level . godzilla never really pushes the envelope , preferring to remain within a comfort zone . the imagination of monster movies like king kong has been replaced by a crass , formulaic approach which disallows creativity . ( how disturbing is it to know that godzilla has been chosen to close the 51st cannes film festival ? ) worst of all , godzilla isn't even exciting . with the possible exception of a mildly enjoyable car chase near the end , there isn't a sequence in this film that raises the pulse . even the scenes with dozens of aircraft attacking the monster are so devoid of tension and suspense that they are yawn-provoking . independence day may have been dumb , but it was full of " adrenaline moments " capable of getting the audience involved in the action . in this aspect of its production , as in so many others , godzilla is lacking . actually , part of the problem is that we're never sure who we're supposed to be rooting for : the green monster with an attitude or the paper-thin humans trying to stop him . the plot , such as it is , can be summed up rather simply . after sinking a few ships and leaving some footprints on tropical islands , godzilla shows up in the big apple . he does some of the usual tourist things : stops by madison square garden , visits the chrysler building , goes on a walk through central park , and takes the subway . in the process , he knocks over a few buildings and steps on countless cabs , but he never has trouble with traffic jams . on hand to stop him is an elite u . s . army unit , led by a slightly less-arrogant-than-usual military man ( kevin dunn ) and a biologist named nick tatopoulos , who has a theory about godzilla . in his opinion , the big guy is actually a lizard grown to enormous proportions as a result of the radiation given off by french atomic bomb tests in the south pacific . in nick's words , godzilla is " a mutated aberration ? an incipient creature ? the first of its kind . " as luck would have it , nick's old girlfriend , audrey ( maria pitillo ) , is a reporter based at a new york tv station . along with her cameraman friend , animal ( hank azaria ) , she decides to follow nick around as he trails godzilla . then , just when the military has rejected nick's theory about why godzilla is in new york , a member of the french secret service ( jean reno ) recruits him for a special assignment . instead of stomping around tokyo this time , godzilla has chosen new york city . unfortunately , manhattan has been destroyed so many times in recent disaster movies ( independence day , deep impact , armageddon ) that it's becoming boring . the whole tradition of monsters roaming around the city started with king kong , but the big ape was only about 30 feet tall . he could climb the empire state building . at ten times that height , godzilla would be more likely to knock it over . godzilla contains a few lame attempts at humor . there's an ongoing feud between animal and his wife that plays like sit-com material , an unfunny and repetitive gag about how no one can pronounce nick's last name properly , and a rather tame attack on film critics roger ebert and gene siskel . both of the popular personalities have alter egos in the film : " ebert , " the mayor of new york , is played by michael lerner , and " gene " ( lorry goldman ) is his campaign manager . ebert's re-election slogan is , not surprisingly , " thumbs up for new york . " the siskel/ebert stuff is amusing the first time it's used , but , after a while , it grows tiresome . and , although the " characters " don't serve any real purpose , they keep popping up . godzilla is saddled with an unimpressive cast . this is largely because emmerich doesn't want to risk a human performance upstaging his lizard . that's not to say that matthew broderick and jean reno aren't capable of good performances ( both have done their share of solid acting in the past ) , but they aren't a-list names . then again , considering the quality of the writing , even pacino and deniro would have been hard- pressed to shine . maria pitillo ( dear god ) plays the love interest and hank azaria ( great expectations ) is on hand to present what is supposed to be comic relief . ultimately , it doesn't really matter what i ( or any other critic , for that matter ) have to say about the movie . tristar has assumed that godzilla , like all self-proclaimed summer event motion pictures , is pretty much critic-proof . it may also be word-of-mouth-proof . those who want to see the movie will see it no matter what i write or their friends say . so , when i go on record to assert that godzilla is one of the most idiotic blockbuster movies of all time , it's like spitting into the wind . emmerich and devlin are master illusionists , waving their wands and mesmerizing audiences with their smoke and mirrors . it's probably too much to hope that some day , movie-goers will wake up and realize that they've been had . recently one night a young director named baz luhrmann couldn't sleep . he tumbled out of bed and moved over to the television where he watched mtv for an hour . then he moved to his kitchen where he spent the same amount of time eating spoiled food . then he took down a volume of shakespeare's work and read it cover to cover - never really paying attention to the words or plot . and then , as a climax , he took out his video camera and pressed the " on " button . the result ? william shakespeare's romeo + juliet - the worst film ever made and a complete failure . though , to be fair , an interesting complete failure . the idea at the film's core is to make shakespeare appealing to the crowds . this is done by moving the camera around at a rapid rate so that we can't see what is going on . and filming the dialogue in voice over . and shooting leonardo dicaprio like a calvin klein model . and making the frame go still while flashing the character's name at the bottom . and filming long tedious action sequences in slow motion . i mean , man , this is the 90s , dude . however i've seen terrible films that are fun to watch . ( examples are batman and robin and the island of doctor moreau . ) that rule doesn't apply here . this is a film that takes itself seriously . that is it's major fault . another problem was pointed out by my friend , alex ( who was singing songs by leonard bernstein throughout . ) ; the original play is a powerful piece of work because the author remained neutral and didn't take sides . here it's clear that we are supposed to side with romeo . ( just look at the way they film him . ) from the begining he's our hero and this doesn't work . and dicaprio's awful performance doesn't help . luhrmann never decides if he wants to entertain us or enlighten us . the result is a mess . you can feel him striving to be something he isn't . he tries to pull of a mix in which drag queens are filmed from purposefully arty angles . he tries very hard . key word : tries . " oh look , he's filming above water action from below . pretty . what does it represent ? " why do people do ugly things ? i scrambled away from my tv set feeling guilty as if i could never read the play again and keep a straight face . in times of crisis people are driven to desperate measures . of course what constitutes a crisis differs from person to person . what may be a disastrous situation for one , may be seen as a challenge to another . as deepak chopra is known to say , " it's not the ride , it's the rider . " unfortunately clear-thinking is not always the reaction to problems . wall street wheeler dealer steven taylor ( michael douglas ) is a man with troubles . he's sunk his money in illegal financial activities and it's blown up in his face . in a matter of days he will lose it all . his wife emily ( gwyneth paltrow ) is a highly-placed un interpreter and is not happy with her life either . her marriage is cold and unfulfilling . unknown to her , her new lover david shaw ( viggo mortensen ) is not only a painter , but an ex-con with a history of bilking wealthy women of their money . emily is a prime target : she's worth over $100 million . steven's solution to his predicament is to offer david half a million to kill his wife . the artist accepts and the movie is underway . drawing from frederick knott's play and loosely based on hitchcock's dial m for murder , this is all-too typical of summer releases . all style and no substance . and there's really not much style . director andrew davis ( the accomplished witness and best-forgotten other films ) has made exactly the wrong choices at almost every turn . douglas and paltrow have both shown us that they are skillful actors in previous films . mortensen showed promise in the past . here all three are walking uninterestingly through their roles with oddly waxen faces . the only person who shows any sense of life is david suchet as new york detective mohamed karaman . he's only on-screen long enough to make you think that there might be a likable person in the film and then he disappears . the first concern of a suspense film is to create suspense . surprises are important . in this movie the audience keeps waiting for something to happen . and nothing ever does . nearly every event is telegraphed in advance . close-up on this object or that action and it's easy to guess what's going to happen . as the film plods towards its inevitable conclusion you keep expecting a plot twist to make the movie worthwhile . it's a hopeless quest . the story doesn't make much sense . steven's wife is loaded . even with unfriendly relations , you'd think that he could have talked to her about his difficulty rather than deciding to kill her . when he does decide on the dire plan he makes an unreasonable choice . if you were going to hire someone to kill your wife , would your first choice be her lover ? no matter how sleazy he is , i would think there might be a chance that he would turn down the opportunity . why would steven plan the murder as a break-in in their apartment ? why not just take her out as she was walking to david's loft in a bad neighborhood ? while deciding among the numerous summer films , you might do well to skip this one . you'll find more suspense than this movie offers by watching the weather channel . " virus " is a monster movie without a monster . any movie with a hurdle that large to overcome had better be pretty damn good otherwise . sadly , " virus " does not deliver , on any level . the movie opens with the russian space station mir about to transmit something ( we never find out what ) to a big boat with lots of satellites on it . sudddenly , a wave of colorful lightning comes flying through space , and winds up destroying mir and using it to transmit itself to the aforementioned big boat . cut to seven days later , we meet donald sutherland and his band of seafaring vultures . see , they spend all their time sailing around looking for dead-in-the-water ships to rescue , and then collect the reward money . at least , i * think * that's what they do . along with many other things in the film , their reason for being out in the middle of the ocean isn't really explained . so , they stumble upon this big boat with lots of satellites on it , and decide to haul it back to russian waters . the only problem is , the crew starts disappearing one-by-one and turning into borg . yes , borg . complete with the red laser beam in place of an eye . apparently , this alien lifeform can only survive if inside something electrical . so , it creates make-shift machines and uses humans for " spare parts " . blah , blah , blah . i could go on forever describing the ludicrous so-called plot , but i won't . suffice it to say the most original thing about this movie is having donald sutherland play an irish man ( ! ) . everything else in this movie has been taken from other ( better ) movies . for example , many of the machines resemble those found in the little-seen japanese movie , " tetsuo-the iron man " . and the plot is right out of " aliens " . the funny thing is , i was actually expecting to enjoy this movie . i have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies , like last years under-appreciated " deep rising " . but " virus " , as i mentioned earlier , doesn't even have a monster . it just has a big pile of circuits and wires and expects the audience to fear this ridiculous looking contraption . " virus " is the type of movie that really makes you wonder what the screenwriter was thinking about when he wrote it . besides the lame " monster " , it's chock full of dialogue that no real person would ever say , and situations that no real person would ever allow themselves to get into . for example , there is a scene late in the movie in which one of the characters actually attempts to * negotiate * with the alien ! now , i don't know about you , but if i came upon a lifeform that viewed mankind as a virus to be eliminated , i doubt that i would attempt to reason with it . that makes about as much sense as a baby squirrel calmly asking a fierce predator to spare his life . finally , " virus " isn't scary . the least the filmmakers could have done was to make the movie just a little scary . as it is , it's about as frightening as a box of cookies . skip " virus " . if it's a cool monster movie you want , rent the far superior ( and the granddaddy of this genre ) " aliens " . dr . alan grant ( sam neill , " jurassic park " ) is becoming disillusioned . paleontology is no longer the sexy science it once was since the ingen corporation cloned his subject matter . his lectures bring people interested in his adventures on isla nubla rather than his research and funding dollars are drying up . when the kirbys ( william h . macy , " fargo " ; tea leoni , " the family man " ) ask him to be their guide for an anniversary flyover of isla sorna ( the notorious site b of " the lost world " ) he's disdainful , but once they wave their checkbook , he reconsiders . however the kirbys haven't given dr . grant their real agenda in " jurassic park iii . " of course , we , the audience , have been tipped off , given that the film begins by showing us eric ( trevor morgan , " the patriot " ) , a young boy , and ben ( mark harelik , " election " ) going for a paragliding adventure off that same island that goes awry ( and looks like cheesy rear projection ) . grant's established back home with a new right hand man , billy brennan ( alessandro nivola , " love's labour's lost " ) on site at a dig in montana sorely lacking funds . he also pays a visit to old flame dr . ellie sattler ( laura dern , " jurassic park " ) , now married to another with a young son who calls grant 'the dinosaur man' apparently for the sole purpose of dredging her up again for the film's poorly imagined finale . grant takes billy along on the kirbys trip , which is really an illegal gambit to save their son , that young paraglider . the couple aren't millionaires , making grant's check bogus , and they're separated as well ( eric was with amanda's new boyfriend , not that that makes much sense ) , meaning we're in for some gooey family dynamics while waiting for the dino dining . the kirbys hired hands ( and obvious bait ) are a threesome led by mr . udesky ( michael jeter , " the gift " ) . ( didn't anyone consider that casting michael jeter and william h . macy together and not having them be related was a little odd ? ) as directed by joe johnston ( " october sky , " " jumanji " ) ( spielberg only produced this one ) from a risible script by peter buchman and the " election " team of alexander payne & jim taylor , " jurassic park iii " is nothing more than a quickie monster flick with a couple of new dinos ( a spinosauraus , which goes head to head with the t-rex , and pteranodons ) . the plot , as it were , is a series of coincidences combined with extreme leaps of faith and a trifecta of stupid cell phone tricks . the effects are no longer new , and , as shot by television cinematographer shelly johnson , rather murky looking at times . film editing by robert dalva ( " october sky " ) was presumably done by machete , to keep this down to a 90 minute run time . i know of no other reason to explain the ridiculous ending which features the survivors confronting a pack of raptors , then being saved by the most ludicrous of logic jumps within a few minutes . 'original' music by don davis just repeats john williams' original themes . while neill and young morgan attempt to inject some humor and humanity into the proceedings , the rest of the cast are plodding unexceptional . " jurassic park iii " will probably provide some quick entertainment for those who go into it knowing what to expect , the same crowd who maybe liked " the lost world : jurassic park . " barb wire , pamela anderson lee's first foray into films , highlights the fact that her only talent lies in her silicone enhanced assets . being the only notable member of the cast , the camera lingers lustily o n her body at every opportunity , making her character's catch line , " don't call me babe , " sound very ironic indeed . from the very opening of the movie , we are treated to a striptease routine from anderson , ending in her hurling her stiletto smack between the eyes of a lusty male who happened to call her babe . throughout the movie , there is ample footage of enormous breasts and cleavage , if not of anderson's , then at least of the female extras . this alone is enough to retitle the movie babe wire . for a plot , barb wire rehashes the casablanca storyline . it is 2017 , the middle of the second american civil war , and barb wire , a former resistance fighter , runs a joint in steel harbour called hammerhead ( ! ! ) . known for attracting resistance fighters an d characters of all sorts , the bar attracts the attention of the government forces who appear dressed in nazi-style uniforms . in between bashing up helpless males and showing off her trademark breasts , barb wire has to help a former lover and his wife get to the airport on the other side of the town , past the government-controlled areas , and to freedom . even the airport looks like the one in casablanca , except that the plane in the background is a modern , private jet . there are hardly any significant moments in this film , and one gets the impression that it was designed for young teenagers familiar with the dark horse comics version of " barb wire . " if anything , one leaves the film with the confirmation that anderson di d not do her own stunts . who could fight and jump in a skimpy , strapless leather top , and yet keep her breasts from spilling out ? only a stuntwoman . not pamela anderson lee . humanities quest for knowledge never ends . so a team of scientists and film-makers travel to the amazon to search for a legendary indian tribe . the party consists of anthropologist steven cale ( eric stoltz ) and the camera team consisting of terri flores ( jennifer lopez ) , danny rich ( ice cube ) , gary dixon ( owen wilson ) , denise kahlberg ( kari wuhrer ) and warren westridge ( jonathan hyde ) . early on their journey they meet paul sarone ( jon voight ) whose boat is stuck on the shore . they agree to give him a ride to the next village . he claims to know the area well and can be useful locating the native tribe . very soon their friendliness backfires on the group because sarone turns out to be a snake hunter without scruples who only wants to catch a giant anaconda and sell it to a zoo . we don't have to wait too long for the giant snake . she just had a panther hors d'oevre and now is looking for the main course . our heroes paddle around in the amazonas as if it were the pool in their own backyard . no wonder giant animals mistake their splashing for a dinner bell . our anaconda is a polite one and swallows the first victim in one big gulp . enjoy ! so much for the first attempt to catch her . but who would want to catch a giant snake with a fishing pole ? our villain sarone shows his soft side when he stops terri from shooting the snake . too bad that anaconda is just about to strangle another member of the expedition . one by one she goes after the others . eric stoltz is stung by a giant wasp right in the beginning and is mercifully unconcious for the rest of the adventure . the rest of the crew keeps entertaining the viewer although not the way the makers of the movie had planned . however the scenes without the anaconda are rather boring . whenever the leading lady shows up we're in for a laugh . the snake reminds us of a favorite character of a famous animated movie even if she should be an awe-inspiring monster . her attacks always follow the same plan : one last hypnotic look - she's looking at you , kid - then she speedily wraps herself around her victim and starts to gush it down . mostly we don't see the act of devouring . but she looks nice when she wiggles away with her bulging middle part . whoever did the special effects on this movie may have wanted to go to a zoo first and study some real snakes . maybe then the anaconda model would have looked more real . the animatronics are somewhat more believable . but that didn't work for the strangling scenes . don't go see the movie for the f/x . they are everything but up-to-date . the viewer who likes to watch the end credits will see to his/her surprise that a snake expert was a consultant for the team . we may doubt though that he has ever seen the final result of his work . a well known american science magazine is also mentioned in the credits , but i will refrain from naming it here to avoid further damage to its reputation . the majority of viewer will have left the theater as soon as the credits start rolling , anyway . what kind of audience is the target group for this movie ? hard to say . this can't be a serious horror movie , or can it ? see for yourself . absolute power , the new film produced and directed by clint eastwood , attempts to be a thriller set in the world of hypocritical presidents and their murderous political staff . it is about as thrilling as a lecture on the mating habits of the south american grasshopper . one can only wonder how an utterly absurd script like the one written by william goldman could have ever interested eastwood . not only is the plot unbelievable and contrived , but even the writing itself lacks any consistency or intelligence . continually underestimating the audience , the film gives us information we already know or dont even need . details essential to the story are so improbably convenient they are annoying ( like why would two unprepared secret service men carry two night-vision goggles in their car ? ) . oddly enough , the initial setup for absolute power offers interesting possibilities . a masterful jewel-thief ( played by clint eastwood ) witnesses the murder of the wife of a powerful millionaire ( played by e . g . marshall ) . while robbing one of marshalls mansions , he is forced to hide in the bedrooms vault . there , through a two-way mirror , he sees the wife and another man engage in passionate foreplay . their game of love quickly turns into a violent struggle as the man starts beating the woman . in self defense , the woman grabs a letter-opener and stabs the man in the elbow . she raises her arm to stab again when she is fatally shot by two secret service men . the man ? he is the president of the united states of america . where does the film go wrong ? it cannot be the acting . clint eastwood , ed harris and gene hackman as the president give type-cast , but decent performances . the cinematography is sufficient ; wild and erratic during action sequences , dark and mysterious during psychologically suspenseful scenes , and calm and warm during dramatic dialogue . even the music is not as bombastic as it usually tends to be in the thriller/suspense genre . the fault clearly lies in the screenplay , and the screenplay alone . while setting up a story about misuse of power , about the true possessors of that power , and about intrigue and double-crossing , it does not resolve it . not one buildup of suspense is resolved by an exciting climax . rather , the tense situations are left dangling at the end , giving the viewer an uneasy sense of incompleteness . an example of this is a very promising and tense buildup of a scene : in an attempt to arrest clint eastwood , the police have set up a trap at a small restaurant . police officers are everywhere , incognito of course . at the same time , not one but two hit men are preparing to kill clint eastwood when he arrives . all three parties are unaware of each others presence . this scene is tremendously exciting and the audience is wondering how clint eastwood , who might suspect this is a trap , will get himself out of this difficult position . he will probably have a brilliant plan , involving ingenious preparations . however , when he arrives at the trap , both hit men miss ( how convenient ) and in the confusion eastwood simply walks away . the buildup of this scene took about ten minutes . ten minutes of close ups of the hit men loading their weapons intercut with the police preparing for the trap . the scene was resolved in less than 20 seconds . . . parallel to the story line of catching the real killer is a cliche emotional tale about the estranged relationship between father eastwood and his daughter . the daughter blames her father for never being there for her , because he was either in jail or robbing a house somewhere . of course their relationship takes a turn for the better during the adventure and they end up a happy family . again , it is commendable that absolute power tries to deviate from the mainstream suspense film by giving room for a dramatic subplot . however , trying is simply not enough ! the second story line should be subtle , original and preferably unpredictable . . . everything this film is not . how could a screenplay like absolute power ever get the funding to be produced ? how could eastwood , who has successfully produced and directed many outstanding films such as the brilliant unforgiven , ever believe in a project like this one ? i am sad to say that my respect for the actor/director/producer has diminished substantially due to this film . director quentin tarantino once said : " i can make a good movie out of any bad script . " director clint eastwood obviously cannot . ever feel you're spending your whole life on the net ( ouch ! ) , eating , breathing and excreting web sites ? that your most meaningful relationships are being formed on the net ? that you get your best sex on the net ? if first-time director hal salwen could shoot an entire movie of characters typing at their computers , he would . as it is , he settles for characters talking on the phone . denise calls up is a movie for and about the electronic generation , where characters are too caught up with their work and insecurities prefer to live out their relationships and fantasies on the phone . it's a satire - and a sometimes funny one - about how we let handphones , call-waiting and answering machines run our lives . the problem : denise calls up is a movie about an idea . a darn good one , but still an 80 minute-long idea . and despite salwen's attempt at plots and sub-plots , despite some genuinely funny moments , you can predict the movie's outcome within the first fifteen minutes . you get the drift after a series of shots of characters explaining over the phone why they all couldn't make it for a party - nobody is going to be meeting anybody in this film , they would rather be talking on the phone . here's salwen's plot : while all the characters are in a dysfunctional , telefixated limbo , loud quirky stranger denise calls up martin to announce that she is pregnant with his child , courtesy of the sperm he donated to the local bank . as martin progresses from slamming the phone on her to long phone conversations over the baby's name , his friends - and his friends' friends - get involved , courtesy of call-waiting and double-lines . in the tigher and more tantalizing sub-plot , barbara and jerry are set up on a blind date that neither turns up for . both profess to have too complicated schedules to ever meet , but they get it going over the phone . with repeated phone sex comes a glitch ; what if the other person is simply faking it ? denise calls up scores with some inspired moments . mousy barbara metamorphoses into a vamp over her cordless , everyone shares the excitement of denise's delivery through a conference call to her handphone , and barbara's best friend gale is killed in a car accident while taling animatedly into another friend's answering machine . ( as gale's overly-chatty aunt recounts , her cordless was knicked into her ear and lodged in her brain . ) but these moments are not enough to sustain the movie . the pace sags , the dialogue drags and not much acting appears to be required of the telephone-touters . and the ending is literally a non-event as expected , everyone is too chicken to turn up for the party frank throws in gale's memory despite promising over the phone that they will . we get the point . the movie appears to be intent on flogging its terribly-'90s statement until they have it coming out of your ears . pun intended . there's even a on the movie's web site where you can win cellular phones ( as if we haven't had enough of these things already ) . watch the movie only if you find it philosophy compelling enough for a earful . the flying inkpot's rating system : * wait for the video . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . " book " should have remained in shadows book of shadows : blair witch 2 a film review by michael redman copyright 2000 by michael redman certain things in our lives are inevitable . death , sorrow , love , heartbreak , pain , joy . we expect these events . we know they're going to happen and some , we even look forward to . it's part of the human condition . we have also become accustomed to inevitable occurrences in our society . as we near the fall election , several of them are hitting us in the face . politicians exaggerate their own importance . our side is always right ; theirs is always wrong . in the end , voters are usually forced to choose the lesser of two whocares . in hollywood the one indisputable inevitable is that if a film makes big money , there will be a sequel . even if the original story doesn't merit one . even if the first film is complete in itself . even if success is a fluke . " the blair witch project " was made with a budget of $1 . 75 and exploded on the screen , raking in huge profits . the concept was brilliant . the filmmakers created a remarkable buzz that the story might be real . the film itself was even more convincing . the movie _must_ be authentic . why else would such amateurish footage be on the big screen ? the first film caught lightning in a bottle . the sequel proves you can't pour that old lightning into a new bottle . you have to give this effort some credit . it would have been easy to have made the same movie again with a new group of kids . it would have been easy , but of course , it wouldn't have worked . instead " book of shadows " acknowledges the first film as a movie and concentrates on the hysteria following its release . it's a great scheme and possibly the only entertaining way to do a sequel . unfortunately it doesn't work either . five kids spend the night in the woods at the scene of the first film . weird stuff happens and they retreat to an old factory where one of them lives . even weirder stuff happens . some people die , there's blood and knives and none of the characters have a lick of common sense . while supposedly doing serious research , the group sets up a circle of surveillance cameras in the ruins of the old house in the woods and vows to stay alert all night awaiting a visitation . then they proceed to get totally trashed on drugs and alcohol and party down with very loud , very obnoxious heavy metal music . it's a bad plan . the cast shows some early promise . a couple is doing research on a " blair witch " book . the tour guide is a former mental patient turned ebay aficionado . a goth amazon princess adds a bit of comedic relief . the obligatory hot babe is the 2000 spiritual cinematic descendent of the cute hippie chick , the cute rock and roll chick and the cute disco chick : the cute wiccan chick . the first film's unaccomplished actors came across as real people in a real situation because hours and hours of video were shot during days in the woods . this time , these unaccomplished actors just come across as unaccomplished actors . there's not one character you care about when they start shouting for no reason . although what passes for a plot starts out with a solid idea , it's ruined by poor execution . the follow-up to one of the most successful horror films ever is nothing more than a bad slasher movie . they're trapped in an old big weird house . they stupidly separate into various rooms . there are strange noises , they see scary apparitions and people disappear . ever see this movie ? seasoned documentary director joe berlinger should know better . the film features mostly cheap tricks and unnecessary gore . for a storyline filled with surprises , it's oddly predicable . " the blair witch project " was a rare triumph of style over substance . " the book of shadows " is a triumph of tedium over promise . warren beatty , diane keaton , goldie hawn and gary shandling star as a pair of married couples whose complacent lives are about to be shaken up in director peter chelsom's version of the classic romantic , screwball comedy in " town & country . " the drawing room farce of the 30's dealt with sexual innuendo and relied on wit and a great deal of commotion and noise to place the viewer in the thick of the duplicitous romantic action . back then , impossibly wealthy scions of society , with too much free time , would get themselves wrapped up in all sorts of sexual peccadilloes with spouses and lovers , only to have everything come out all right in the end - see " the philadelphia story " for a great farce . " town & country " has the impossibly wealthy protagonists with too much free time - the kind of people that have jobs but never seem to work - and sexual misconduct on several levels . but , there is almost no life to original script by michael laughlin and buck henry and this is " t&c's " downfall . there is , obviously , a great deal of hollywood talent , in front of and behind the camera , involved in " town & country , " but , without a likable or , at least , interesting story to carry through their efforts , it is all for naught . and , that's what we get here - naught . porter stoddard ( beatty ) is a high-powered new york architect with a very good life indeed . his 25-year marriage to ellie ( diane keaton ) appears , on the surface , to be perfect . but , there are cracks just below this pristine surface . his wife is suspicious of his whereabouts , his kids don't need him and his best friends , griffin ( garry shandling ) and mona ( goldie hawn ) , are in the midst of a divorce . porter tries to get control of his life before it is too late , but like a man fighting against quicksand , his struggle just sinks him deeper . at the 90-minute mark of " town & country " i asked myself , " what's the point ? " i wasn't entertained , i laughed three times - over silly little pratfalls - and spent most of the film marking time 'til the end . warren beatty wanders around with his character in a bewildered fog , making problems for himself by thinking with a part of his anatomy other than his head . keaton's ellie is an empty headed flake who can't see the obvious as porter screws around on her . and , as you get to know them , who would want friends like griffin and mona ? the supporting cast is given nothing to do and , sometimes , does harm to the film , given the material they are forced to use . nastassja kinski plays a cellist with whom porter has a fling . the actress , who has , eerily , failed to age over the years , is miscast as the air-headed musician and the character doesn't belong , anyway . jenna elfman is a sweet , but smart , ditz who joins porter and griffin on one of their tacked on misadventures . andie macdowell is absolutely painful to watch as a wealthy heiress ( is there any other kind in this movie ? ) who comes on to porter . the saving grace is a pair of quirky perf's by charlton heston and marian seldes as macdowell's very strange parents . glib rationalization of infidelity , like , " if he doesn't speak english , it doesn't count , " are a staple for the screenplay . the morality of the film seems to be , if you can get away with it , go for it . the cast of characters are mostly people you wouldn't want to know , never mind befriend . the actors do their best , but are hamstrung by the weak material . helmer chelsom , who made the outstanding , offbeat comedy " funny bones , " is mired in the mess of a script and never puts his imprint on " town & country . " the production values are high , as one expects from a big budget hollywood film . but , the opulent sets by caroline hanania , lavish wardrobes by molly maginnis and top-notch photography by william fraker cannot save " town & country . " the film has had a long list of production and distribution problems and it might have been better , for me anyway , if hollywood just said no to this movie . i give it a d . the crown jewel of 1970's irwin allen disaster movies , the poseidon adventure features an all-star cast including gene hackman and ernest borgnine spouting some of the most laughable dramatic dialogue in movie history while trapped on a cruise ship . the story begins on the u . s . s . poseidon's big new year's cruise , where we are introduced to the ensemble of people who will soon be the only passengers left alive . let's see , there's the new age preacher ( hackman ) who advises people to " pray to that part of god within yourself . " there's the ex-cop ( borgnine ) who busted a hooker ( stella stevens ) six times -- then married her . there's the hippie singer ( " there's got to be a morning after . . . " ) who turns to the company of a lonely man ( red buttons ) once her brother is killed . and to round out the group : the elderly couple ( jack albertson and shelley winters ) who live aboard the ship , the beautiful teenage girl and her brother who are sailing alone and adventurous scotsman roddy mcdowall . we get to know these people a little too well in the first thirty minutes of the poseidon adventure , before straight- faced ship captain leslie nielson looks in horror at the giant tidal wave headed right for the ship . everyone's in the giant ballroom at the time , shortly past midnight of the new year , when the ship turns first on its side , then completely upside down . the second- in-command wants everyone to wait in the ballroom until help arrives , but rebel hackman leads his small band of followers on a quest to the top of the ship . in this case , because the ship is overturned , the top is the bottom . or is the bottom the top ? either way , we get to see a lot of bottoms because the two beautiful women in the crew are both conveniently wearing hot pants during the scenes where the camera shoots upwards while they climb up ladders and -- in the ballroom scene -- christmas trees . thus begins an hour or more of hushed trips down long corridors , through burning rooms , etc . while the ship slowly fills with water behind them . it's a race against the clock which is only mildly interesting . the poseidon adventure works more as a bad movie to laugh at , with all the melodrama that comes in-between the non-thrilling action scenes . the one note in borgnine's one-note performance is to be a cranky old man that argues with hackman every step of the way while buttons and the hippie fall in love ( although since there isn't a sex scene , we never find out if his buttons really are red ) and albertson and winters wonder if they'll live to see their grandson's birth . shelley winters provides the most hilarious scene in the movie in a scene toward the end , where water has flooded the next two rooms of the ship and hackman is preparing to dive under with a rope for the rest of them to pull along . winters , who has been the whiny fat woman throughout the movie ( stevens even not-so- affectionately calls her " fatass " in one scene ) , finally finds her purpose . " i was the underwater swimming champ of new york three years running when i was seventeen , " she brags , and before hackman can even ask her how she could be seventeen for three years , she's swimming through the water , her skirt billowing up around her hips , showing off her cellulite ( or do you call it shellulite ? ) ridden thighs . it's not so much funny as innately disgusting , which pretty much sums up the poseidon adventure as a whole . while watching loser , it occurred to me that amy heckerling's true genius as a film-maker is casting . in fast times at ridgemont high , she gave us sean penn's jeff spicoli ; in look who's talking , she turned bruce willis into a wise-cracking baby and provided john travolta with is first career revival ; in clueless , she found a star vehicle for the adorableness that is ( or was ) alicia silverstone . she seems to understand instinctively how to find performers the audience will like in spite of their flaws . unfortunately , she may also be starting to understand that she understands . giving appealing actors an appealing script creates likeable movies . giving appealing actors a script in which their appeal _is_ the movie makes for unexpectedly awful films like loser . naturally , heckerling makes her protagonist an all-around swell guy . paul tannek ( jason biggs ) is a small-town boy who gets a scholarship to nyu , then instantly finds himself an island of compassion and diligence in the cold-hearted big city . paul is the kind of guy who gives up his seat on the subway to an elderly woman ; his roommates adam ( zak orth ) , chris ( tom sadoski ) and noah ( jimmi simpson ) are the kind of guys who blast their music and let their waterbeds leak all over paul . paul is also the kind of guy who adores girls from afar , in this case the lovely dora diamond ( mena suvari ) . dora has problems of her own , including a shortage of funds to pay her tuition and a relationship with a professor , edward alcott ( greg kinnear ) , that's more than slightly one-sided . they're two conscientious kids who love animals and homeless people , so clearly they belong together , even if paul is a loser . i must confess that , for a while , i was suckered in by heckerling's casting . jason biggs is an engaging performer whose unconventional looks make him even easier to embrace ; suvari is a coquette with an undercurrent of intelligence . they're pleasant enough to watch , and heckerling gives us plenty of scenes establishing how nice they are and how nice their respective antagonists aren't . then it gradually becomes clear that there's virtually nothing to loser but scenes of that sort . in theory , loser is a romantic comedy , but there is scarcely a laugh to be found in the entire film ( notable exception : a cameo by a scene-stealing comic actor as a video store clerk ) . instead of taking any time to make the characters' situations funny , heckerling spends 98 minutes making her characters' situations pathetic . she shows none of the ear for quirky dialogue that sparked clueless , nor any of that film's interest in lively plotting ( not surprisingly , since clueless's plot came via jane austen's emma ) . she simply turns the film into a pity party . since loser is a film composed almost entirely of establishing character , you might think that those characters would be interesting , or at least slightly complicated . instead , you have people either so perfect or so unredeemable that there's no reason to watch them . paul isn't just a nice guy , he's flawless ; consequently , he's a central character who does absolutely no growing . his roommates aren't just inconsiderate , they're actively evil-blackmailing professor alcott , drugging women with rohypnol and generally giving humanity a bad name . and professor alcott isn't just manipulative , he turns dora into his house slave . dora's unthinking devotion to alcott is the only whiff of basic human frailty to be found in loser , and even that isn't explored in sufficient detail . there's more ambiguity in the 30-second snippet from alan cumming's broadway performance as the emcee in cabaret then there is in the rest of loser it's one thing to turn supporting characters into comic exaggerations ; it's another to flatten your leads into easily digestible mush . and it would help if those comic exaggerations were somehow . . . i don't know . . . comic . still , i spent much of the film holding out the ridiculous hope that heckerling would somehow salvage loser from its tedium and justify my desire to like paul and dora . that hope dissolved the moment heckerling underscored a sequence of paul in the throes of unrequited love to simon and garfunkel's " scarborough fair/canticle . " instead of giving the sequence a knowing wink-a reference to the graduate , a hint that paul is becoming an overly-sensitive clich-heckerling plays it deadly straight . even in the scenes that scream for a light comic touch and a bit of a poke at her protagonist's foibles , she finds it impossible to stray from the gospel of paul as saint . clueless's cher had her self-absorption and manipulative tendencies to balance her cuteness . in loser , amy heckerling shows a leaden hand with material that demands friskiness ( her one show of wit involves naming paul's dorm " hunt's hall " after erstwhile bowery boy huntz hall ) . her gift with casting proved to be her curse . loser may be a crashing bore , but gee , aren't those two kids swell ? capsule : john the baptist is sent from heaven to see is the world is worth saving . he must find some sign of hope in the people of newfoundland . this is little more than a tv skit in movie form . it is watchable and apparently will be released to theaters in canada , but it is unlikely to be seen on the international market . it is diverting but hardly a serious piece of cinema . , 0 ( -4 to +4 ) minor spoilers in this review . - written and directed by john w . doyle . - john the baptist sent to st . john , newfoundland . gets an invitation to live with a family . that extraordinary hospitality for some reason does not count as a reason for hope . - script has a lot of holes . - friend who adopts john is surprisingly militant and is planning actions to destabilize wall street . - john does look middle eastern , but somehow one expects john the baptist to be more dramatic . - there is a conspiracy in the vatican riding on the result of the visit , though that result seems small compared to the end of the world . - big yucks like seeing a nun give the pope a pedicure and evil pope's aid praying to a mendes goat . - in large part a satire of life in newfoundland taking licks at things like the poor produce . the one good tomato in grocery ( by virtue of a miracle ) " must have fallen off the truck to toronto . " - based on a 20-minute short film . the " disney stick-to-what-you-do-best " rule states that disney's animated features will invariably be sublime but whenever they try their hand at live-action kids' entertainment , they will fail miserably . this goes double for occasions when they try to make a live-action adaptation of a popular cartoon ( remember the 1996 version of 101 dalmations ? i'm still trying to forget ) . that rule proves more dependable than ever with inspector gadget , an insulting , despicable and , worst of all , expensive piece of trash trying to pass itself off as a viable children's film . it will bore anyone over five and should prove unbearable for adults , even at its relatively skinny running time of 80 minutes . it's films like this that make me want to go to my local blockbuster and rent something from the days when brains were more important than budgets and wit compensated for lack of fancy effects . just as matthew broderick began to convince me that there is hope for him as an actor yet , his career takes a nosedive to hell with his " role " as john brown , a depressed security guard with a big heart who hopes that one day he can become a real policemen and help the people around him . he dreams of heroic deeds and the subsequent admiration of his long time crush , dr . brenda bradford ( joely fisher ) . but after a few bizarre coincidences it seems that he has to dream no longer . john breaks every bone in his body while trying to save dr . brenda's father . dr . brenda has been working on a " gadget project , " which would make a half-man half-machine super-policeman to fight crime . feeling indebted to john she decides to save his life by making him the subject , realizing his dream of becoming a policeman . now , when he says " go go gadget [insert name of gizmo here] " he can use all kinds of nifty gadgets to capture crooks , bang up bandits and mangle murderers . in the meantime , the evil claw ( rupert everett ) , the man responsible for the murder of the good doctor's father is building a gadget of his own : a carbon copy of our inspector gadget except evil and john brown's worst nemesis . claw has plans of world domination , which leaves it up to the inspector and his gadget mobile ( voice of d . l . hughley ) to save humanity from his wrath . state of the art effects fly at a mad pace in this $90 million dollar movie and yet director david kelogg never sets up a convincing atmosphere . had they replaced all the fancy gizmos with dollar bills they would have wound up with the same effect . what we see on the screen is like the raw ingredients of a meal : all of the expensive f/x amounts to nothing . part of the charm of the tv series was its sly irreverence which has gone down the toilet in the condescending movie . can kids really admire a hero so goody-two-shoes that he screams " hey ! you ran a stop sign ! " while hanging off the back bumper of a quickly moving vehicle ? i think that today's children will respond better to somebody dashing , someone ultra-cool . they ( probably ) receive enough preaching from their parents and its an insult to their intelligence to assume that they want to go to an action movie to see a father figure kick butt . in addition to the more complex complaints above , there's also the simple stuff : inspector gadget is boring , formulaic and achingly implausible . there's no feeling that the director really cares about his story : more than any other film i've seen this year , this one really feels like it was made on an assembly line . there's a popular commercial ( for sprite , but that's irrelevant ) running in movie theaters before features that spoofs the way major studios deal with projects . it consists of studio suits discussing a fictitious ( thank god ) movie called " death slug " . each executive gleefully presents a different merchandise tie-in ( slug taco ! slug on a stick ! ) . at the end one of them asks " what about the movie ? " another answers : " well , we don't have a script yet , but we can bang one out by friday . " they probably could have replaced " death slug " with inspector gadget . this film contains the sort of logical contradictions and blatantly obvious adherence to formula that could have been eliminated had any attention been payed to the script . it's no coincidence that most good children's entertainment these days comes from animation . animated features take so long to maker that it becomes a labor of love for the filmmakers and they put care and pride into their work . these kinds of films are banged out quicker and a good percentage turn out worthless , sloppy and impersonal . the studios are becoming factories and films their assembled products . ? 1999 eugene novikov‰ ; as the twin surfer dudes , stew and phil deedle , lay bandaged and unconscious in the hospital , phil comes to first and chooses the coolest way to wake his brother . yanking out his iv , he uses it like a water pistol to soak his brother's face . this bit of lame physical humor is typical of disney's meet the deedles , a movie more to be endured that watched . ( i stopped looking at my wife during the screening , since every time i did , she'd start sticking her finger in her throat . and she's right , it is that bad . ) directed without any imagination by steve boyum , whose long background in film is mainly in stunts and in second unit direction , the film limps along at best . boyum attempts to keep the pace moving by staging stunts , stunts and more stunts . amazingly for someone with his background , he seems incapable of finding any fresh ones , and we have a car go off the road five different times -- maybe more . but who's counting ? and then there is the script by james herzfeld , whose only other film , tapeheads from a decade ago , was so awful that it is considered a cult classic . meet the deedles , however , is painfully bad rather than laughably bad . it will probably be in and out of the theaters like a tornado and is in no danger of becoming a classic anything . herzfeld treats us to gratingly abysmal dialog that includes " your geyser's a geezer , " and " i'd like to put a deedle in her haystack . " as the movie opens , the twins , who at one point describe themselves modestly as " a walking kodak moment , " are celebrating their 18th birthday . as they ride a parasail high above the waters of waikiki , a truant officer pursues them on his jet ski . as heirs to the fabulous fortune of the deedle empire , the boys are sent by their father to camp broken spirit at yellowstone to transform the two laid-back beach bums into men . as they arrive in their wetsuits in yellowstone , they've got their surfboards , skateboards , and a hawaiian drink machine the size of an armoire . their camp has gone out of business , but they are mistaken for new park rangers . the rest of the movie has them fighting the park's overpopulation of prairie dogs as well as a deranged ex-ranger , played by dennis hopper , who is out to stop old faithful before its billionth birthday celebration , scheduled for later in the week . hopper , who has made some wonderful movies , carried away being a recent favorite , does have a propensity for choosing some truly odoriferous material . this isn't his worst acting , but meet the deedles is arguably the worst movie he's ever been in . steve van wormer and paul walker , as stew and phil , give lifeless performances . the only actor in the movie with any demonstrable talent is a cute little prairie dog named petey . even the cinematography by david hennings is so prosaic that it manages to make yellowstone look dull . to add insult to injury , hennings is fond of inappropriate close-ups , which only serve to remind us of the inanity of the dialog . put a ten-foot pair of lips on the screen , and you naturally pay extra attention to what is said . although boyum says in the notes that he is proud that his film is appropriate for families , one wonders how many skateboarders will attempt the movie's stunt of lying on your back on a skateboard while negotiating a busy and twisting mountain road . they make it look like so much fun that i'm sure many will try some variation of the stunt . " how could this possibly be worst , " asks phil . just when you suspect it can't , the movie takes a turn further downhill . its low point may have you looking for an airline barf bag . after phil's girlfriend digs up a big mount of moist soil , they suck in a long worm . like the two dog lovers eating spaghetti in lady and the tramp , their lips finally meet in a kiss . as they pull back , their faces are full of the dirt that encased the worm they have just ingested . meet the deedles runs about an hour and a half . it is rated pg for a little bathroom humor and would be acceptable for kids around 6 and up . my son jeffrey and his friend nickolas , both almost 9 , gave the show * * * . they both thought the scenes with petey were among their favorites . nickolas also mentioned the scene in which the circus bear drives a jeep , and jeffrey especially liked the one in which the circus elephant was referred to as dumbo . 'bicentennial man' is a family film without any external motive with the exception of providing the minimum dose of entertainment . chris columbus , the director who gave you " mrs . doubtfire " , plays on sentimental strings and mushy dialogue to make his point . based on the short story by isaac asimov , it is supposed to be a science fiction story about a robot who wants to be human , which as you can imagine is very difficult . starting in a not too distant future the film concentrates on a wealthy family that buys an android to help them with the house and children . soon this robot , called andrew ( robin williams ) shows abilities that makes his owner mr . martin ( sam neill ) very curious . andrew is interested in art and music , he " enjoys " making clocks , which clearly shows that he has genuine emotions . it shows out that because of a small failure in the " electrical circuits " and " positronic brain " andrew has accidentally gained a soul . this makes him unique and his evil creators worried . then mr . martin decides to teach andrew all the things he wasn't programmed to do . soon andrew wants to leave the house in pursuit of freedom , destiny and love . this film can be described as a disney version of blade runner , a film that still shines as the biggest gem in the crown of science fiction . ever since that film , the subject of humanity still stands as one big controversy . what makes us human ? the thoughts ? the emotions ? is it possible to become human ? at what point can we say to a robot " now you are one of us " ? these are very tough questions that require a serious and thurral approach . it is obvious that columbus didn't take them very seriously . when you think about it , this film is not really meditating on the question " when is a robot no longer a machine , but a human being ? " , but tells a story about racial discrimination and lack of understanding . andrew is so complex and emotional from the very beginning that the audience immediately accepts him as a human being , and only the society has troubles with it . in other words , it is as far from reality as from the academy awards . further more , there are other annoying problems . to this day no serious filmmaker has dared to speculate about the future in more than 50 years from now . this has not been done for obvious reasons , because the filmmakers are well aware of the fact that they lack the knowledge and imagination to perform such a difficult task . columbus is the first to have crossed that line . the result is , as you might imagine , primitive , unrealistic and incredibly disappointing effort . the world is simply frozen in time . neither the society , fashion , culture or values have changed over 200 years . mom is still working at the kitchen , doing the dishes . when you think back to the late 17th century and then compare it to the world we live in today , you'll see a slightly bigger difference . i am not saying that everything should change . it is unlikely that the human rights will change , but it's even more unlikely that there will not be any progress in science , technology and fashion . i suppose it's possible to watch this as a some sort of bizarre fairytale , but it's really hard . robin williams is hidden behind c and speaking in a robotic way . as always he does a decent job , as does sam neill . but it doesn't really matter . it is the sentimentality and length that turns this picture into a tiresome experience . pretty much like last year's " meet joe black " , this is a primitive and unresolved story which is presented with a splendor and professionalism that it doesn't deserve . great actors and a talented crew have worked hard to achieve something that will be instantly forgotten . when isaac asimov wrote this story , the future seemed far away and magical . everything seemed possible . now is the future of asimov's time , and we know that it is not as magical and perfect as it seemed a long time ago . for the same reasons that the young generation of today can not be amazed by julius verne's " 20 000 leagues under the sea " , so can't we accept this story as a potential reality . let us hope that next year's " a . i . " will be more rewarding . in the continuation of warner brother's franchise , joel schumacher has successfully killed this cash cow . what makes this film such a grand disappointment is the tremendous line up of talented people involved with the film . avika goldsman's screenplay is such a cluttered mess that there is no suspense built from one scene to another . this coming on the heals of such a marvelously written project as " the client " is such a shock that it gives rise to thoughts that the latter film was a fluke . situations are developed and executed with no thought of reason other that to get the characters from one point to another . this is most glaringly brought to point by the appearance of alicia silverstone's batgirl , who just happens to be alfred's niece . the story of dr . victor freeze is told almost completely in dialogue as an afterthought . while working on a cure for a tragic decease contracted by his wife , dr . freeze is injured during a cryogenic procedure , and becomes a man who can only survive in a sub zero environment . now of course he has become a terrorist intent on turning the world into a frozen planet where only he can live . now the logic of that little sub-plot escapes me . if mr . freeze wanted to find a cure for his wife and bring her back from the brink of death , why would he want to have her live in a world with no warmth . this is indeed a cold hearted man . the development of poison ivy is no less contradictory . she wants to breed a form of plant life that can defend itself like an animal . she joins with mr . freeze in his plan to start a new ice age , destroying all animal life , therefore giving her plant creations no reason to have the defense mechanism she had been trying to breed into them . the characters have no logic . batman of course is no longer the dark knight of the earlier films . now that he has an adoptive son in burt ward / robin , bruce wayne is trying to be a father figure , constantly spouting out homilies about family and relationships , while at the same time not really having any . george clooney tries in vain to keep from rolling his eyes while reciting the dialogue given him . to say that his performance is workman-like is to be generous . his best performances are still on " e . r . " . bruce wayne has the most unromantic evening with his girlfriend ( played by elle macpherson ) , that it brings into question bruce's latent homosexuality . there is no spark and no passion ( as there was for nicole kidman's psychologist in " batman forever " ) between bruce and anyone other than alfred . and even that relationship is very reserved . robin comes off less charismatic that in the last film in the series . now he's just a spoiled kid . in " batman forever " , burt ward wanted to be batman's partner and friend . now , robin is suffering from ego deficiency . robin's attraction for poison ivy is not believable , except for a boy around the age of 15 . his later flirtation with batgirl smacks of incest , even though they are not related in a traditional sense . chris o'donnell , once considered a rising star , successfully burns up on reentry with this performance . his robin needs nothing more than a good spanking . the less said about alicia silverstone's performance the better . this talented young actress reads her lines with all the aplomb of a dubbing actor for a godzilla film . she was cast strictly for her commercial value and she knew it . this brings us to the villains . arnold scharzenegger walks through his part with all the concern of someone waiting for payday . the most rediculous scene is during mr . freeze's imprisonment . the guards are at least a foot taller that arnold and yet fall at his hand in one of the most unbelievable fights scenes caught on film . it's almost as ludicrous as seeing michael jackson as a gang member . umu thurman struts and coos her way through her part , showing a growing discomfort with her sex symbol status . her poison ivy has all the come hither sex appeal of may west in " sextette " ( 1978 ) . the only performances worthy of notice are pat hingle and michael gough . these two seasoned veterans carry their scenes with a dignity sorely lacking from the rest of the film . without going through the intricacies of the plot , there is one question that always comes to mind with this series ( except for the first " batman " ) , and that is how do these super villains manage to hire so many thugs only to abandon them at the final reel . mr . freeze is introduced with a team of hockey playing hoodlums that seem to have stepped out of an old kiss music video . every villain ( even the minor ones ) have to have a look , no one can be an individual with day glow paint on their face or some sort of elaborate costume . with this film , warner brothers has succeeded in retrograding the series back to it's tv incarnation . the only thing missing from the action scenes are the superimposed titles detailing the pows ! , gwaaaa's , and clang's associated with the old series . you almost wonder if william dozier , producer of the tv series is collecting royalties from this film . the special effects ( by john dykstra ) and production design ( by barbara ling ) are the primary stars of this film . and it is a case of extravagance in the pursuit of nothing . every set , from ivy's lair , the batcave , to freeze's hideout is set with enough neon and fiberglass to keep the epa in paperwork for years to come . there is no one realistic set or set piece in the film . everything is set for maximum exposure . the special effects have that strange cartoon look that most rushed cgi effects have . there are homage thrown in by dykstra and his team to gene warren and his work on " the time machine " ( the growing plant scene ) but these scenes are so wroth with glaring color and art that they are almost obscured . joel schumacher has directed the film with no flair . camera angles are poorly chosen rehashing set ups from the old tv series . master shots pepper the action scenes , destroying any flow of kinetic quality they may have had . mr . schumacher is a good director . one just has to look back on the films " the lost boys " , " cousins " ( an underrated film ) and " the client " to know that . but " batman and robin " comes off as a mated made for tv movie . the film has no style of individuality . it is the cinematic equivalent to jell-o , pretty to look at , but empty . it is unfortunate that this film , even with it's surprisingly strong box office has succeeded in doing what warner's thought tim burton would do with the franchise . kill it . joel schumacher's " batman & robin " is loud , colorful , action packed , and ultimately . . boring . stars . long ago , films were constructed of strong dialogue , original characters , memorable plot points , and solid acting . one of the best examples that hollywood now completely ignore these qualities is found in the new film where the heart is . this opus about the power of love and the redemption of family follows the tragic , and i mean tragic , life of novalee nation ( natalie portman ) . hitting the road with her hick , guitar-playing boyfriend in a rusted-out gm , novalee dreams of the blue skies of bakersfield and sipping chocolate milk beneath a plastic umbrella with her unborn baby , due in a month . stopping off at a nearby wal-mart for a quick rest , novalee's boyfriend decides to take off and leaves her there . novalee then decides to secretly hole up in the wal-mart ( because she's not the brightest bulb in the stagelights ) . a wacky librarian ( keith david ) comes to her rescue when she goes into labor one night while she is camped in the outdoors section of the store . then the she moves in with a family , befriends everyone in town -- including ashley judd's character ( who has five kids and still can work part-time as a nurse ) -- fights off religious freaks , survives a tornado , breaks the heart of the wacky librarian that saved her , receives an inheritance , builds a martha stewart-esque house , becomes an award-winning photographer , and manages to always look like she stepped out of a cosmo shoot , all while not once doing anything with her kid . this film is terrible . the directing is awful : it seems director matt williams had an index card with six angles written on it and used every one of them , over and over and over again . we get pathetic and ugly acting by natalie portman , who can do good work . a disjointed pacing of key scenes and a time structure so confusing that it would throw steve prefontaine off . a subplot that actually validates the actions of the boyfriend who abandoned novalee in the wal-mart parking lot . an embarrassing display of emotions by the characters , making the audience ill . taking two great comedic screenwriters , babaloo mandel and lowell ganz , and forcing them to write drama on par with oprah's book club . altogether , it has the feeling of being trapped at home , watching a very bad television mini-series and wishing it to end , only the remote is broken . however , the main problem with the film is that it never answers the most poignant question brought up : where is the heart ? no one ever seems to find it in this piece of junk . stars : armand assante ( mike hammer ) , barbara carrera ( dr . charlotte bennett ) , laurene landon ( velda ) , alan king ( charles kalecki ) , geoffrey lewis ( joe butler ) , paul sorvino ( detective pat chambers ) , judson scott ( charles hendricks ) , barry snider ( romero ) , julia barr ( norma childs ) / mpaa rating : r / review : in the 1982 updating of mickey spillane's 1947 novel " i , the jury , " hard-boiled detective mike hammer is a vietnam vet who drives a shiny bronze trans am , dresses like don johnson in " miami vice " with less pastels , and has sworn off alcohol . however , he still smokes his lucky strikes , detests all forms of authority , and kills at a whim . beyond that , the updated film retains little or no resemblance to the original pulpy page-turner by spillane , probably the most infamous and often reviled of all mystery writers . the movie starts off with a bang : a howler of an opening credits sequence that is a cheap steal from the james bond series , complete with cheesy graphics and an overbearing jazz score by bill conti ( " rocky " ) . after that , the movie and the book begin the same , with the murder of jack williams ( frederick downs ) , a one-armed detective and hammer's best friend . hammer declares that he will seek vengeance for jack's death , and with the help of his devoted secretary , the blond and shapely velda ( laurene landon ) , and the alternately friendly / antagonistic police chief pat chambers ( paul sorvino ) , he is immediately on the killer's trail . here the movie splits completely from the book , and dives into a convoluted and improbable tale of government conspiracy and mind control tactics involving the mafia , the cia , one of hammer's vietnam vet buddies , and a kinky sex clinic . many of the same characters from the book appear in the movie , but they take on slightly different roles . for instance , charles kalecki ( alan king ) , a numbers runner and narcotics dealer in the book , turns into a suave mob boss . and , more importantly , hammer's suspicious love interest , charlotte bennett ( barbara carrera ) , morphs from a run-of-the-mill psychiatrist into the coordinator and founder of the sex clinic . " i , the jury " is one of several cinematic renditions of spillane's books ( including a 1953 version which was made in 3-d ) , but this film differs from those earlier versions in one major way : it includes all of the sex and violence spillane wrote about that could never be given screen treatment due to hollywood's production code . although this takes the 1982 version of " i , the jury " closer to the core of the original subject matter , it is in this aspect that the film received the most criticism , because it took this new license to extremes that many argued surpassed what was in the book . rest assured , the movie not only includes a great deal of nudity , but it is thoroughly violent , especially toward women . it features one woman having her neck slashed , a set of twins forced to strip before being stabbed to death by a psychotic sexual deviant programmed by the cia ( judson scott ) , and another woman shot point-blank in the belly by hammer himself . no one would deny that spillane's writing has a definite misogynistic nature , but the movie seems to take it a step further by giving it such glorious screen treatment ; its constant equation of sex and violence , much of which is played with the intention of being erotic , is quite unsettling . it's no surprise that the movie , like the book , fades to black with a dead woman on the floor . " i , the jury " had a troubled production and was not well-supported by the studio that made it , which is one explanation why it didn't do well in theaters and many people have forgotten that it was ever made . the script was written by larry cohen , who is best known for his creatively cheesy but nonetheless effective monster movies , like " it's alive " ( 1974 ) and its two sequels , " q " ( 1981 ) , and " the stuff " ( 1985 ) . cohen wrote the script thinking he was going to helm the project as well , but he was yanked from the director's chair after only a week's worth of shooting because he was already $100 , 000 over budget . he was quickly replaced by richard t . heffron , who has worked for the last three decades on a handful of undistinguished movies and dozens of television projects . heffron was obviously brought in not for his talent , but because he could make the movie rapidly and efficiently . it shows in the final product . cohen had personal interest in the updated version of hammer , but heffron has none . he shot the movie quickly and clumsily , and although some scenes ring true , most of them are flat , trite , and invariably dull . the movie features numerous car chases , shoot-outs , and stunts , but heffron's background in television is the dominant tone ; despite the graphic violence and full-frontal nudity , " i , the jury , " takes on the air of a made-for-tv quickie , with no real punch or depth . but the problems in " i , the jury " run deeper than the technical . the central fault in this updating is mike hammer , whose character was lost in the shuffle while updating from the fifties to the eighties . because spillane wrote all his hammer mysteries in the first person , hammer's character is central to the tale because all the events are filtered through his persona . we never really get that impression in the movie -- there is no first-person voice-over narration and some scenes don't have hammer in them at all . consequently , a great deal of the texture of spillane's storytelling is lost . the period updating turns out to be a detrimentally bad idea because much of hammer's moral code is thrown to the wind . despite his characterization as a hard-nosed , violent , misogynistic killer , hammer always stuck fervently to his own moral code . the title itself , " i , the jury , " refers to his anti-establishment notion of being his own law . unlike private eyes who seek out the bad guys and then turn them over the police , hammer both pursues the criminal and exacts the punishment . in this way , he can be seen as " above the law , " but he still adheres strictly to her own personal code of conduct , his own morality . the movie forgoes that aspect of his character , and hammer comes off not only as amoral in society's terms , but in any terms , especially his own . if anything , hammer always had his professionalism , but the movie does away with that in the first three minutes by showing him rolling in the sack with the wife of a client who had paid him to find out if that wife was being unfaithful . maybe the scene was intended for laughs , but it only cheapens hammer's character and is , by all accounts , a lousy way to start the movie . the blame for hammer's character can't be laid on assante's shoulders , because despite some unnecessary marlon brandon-like mumbling , he delivers a fine performance . spillane never once described hammer's physical attributes in any of the dozen books in which he appeared , so any actor could conceivably portray him . of course , because of the lack of written description , those who have read spillane's books will have a strong personal notion of what hammer looks like , and therefore almost any screen incarnation will somehow fall short of expectations ( spillane , who played the character himself in 1963's " the girl hunters , " is generally considered the best of the film hammers ) . the rest of actors are most un-noteworthy . with the exceptions of alan king and paul sorvino , everyone who appeared in " i , the jury " were up-and-comers who basically went nowhere . many of them ended up working in television ( like carrera , who had a short stint on " dallas " in the mid-eighties ) , which only adds to the made-for-tv atmosphere of the film . maybe someday , someone will manage to get the right elements together and make an effective film rendition of a spillane book , but this is certainly not it . nostalgia for the 70s continues , as we see a revival of one of the decade's greatest achievements : the marijuana comedy . however half baked doesn't quite run with all its brain cells , and will make you appreciate the questionable talents of cheech and chong all the more . the plot follows the misadventures of four ne'er-do-well stoners . there's the group's unofficial leader , thurgood ( david chappelle ) , scarface ( guillermo diaz ) , brian ( jim breuer ) , and kenny ( harland williams ) . kenny gets into trouble , when , while on a munchie run , feeds his snack foods to a diabetic police horse . when the animal keels over , he finds himself accused of killing a police officer , and facing a $1 , 000 , 000 bail . his friends promise to raise money for a 10% bail bond , but have no idea how . that is , until thurgood stumbles upon a stash of pharmaceutical marijuana being tested at the company where he works as a janitor . soon the three guys are dealing dope to raise funds , while avoiding the cops and rival dealer sampson simpson ( clarence williams iii ) . for a comedy , the film is pretty humorless . not that it doesn't try . . . it's just that the comic setups are obvious and the payoffs nearly all fall flat . the four leads are nearly all playing the same character . only williams stands out ( while still performing on the level of his humor-free comedy rocket man ) , but that is because he's imprisoned throughout most of the film , giving a much needed change of pace ( but mostly swapping one set of obvious gags for another ) . to help out , the film is packed full of cameos . steven wright , tommy chong , janeane garofalo , willie nelson , snoop doggy dogg , and jon stewart all make appearances at one point or another . none of them work , beyond the simple " hey , that's _____ " level . in fact the funniest work in the film comes from chappelle . not as his bland pothead lead , but in his second role , as a pot-obsessed rapper , sir smokealot . granted , it's pretty much a one-joke role , and there aren't a ton of laughs . . . but this film needs every one it can scrape up . to top it off , and in a move contrasting with the tone of the rest of the film , thurgood is given a love interest , mary jane ( rachel true ) . her role is that of the public service announcement : to inform us why doing drugs ( including pot ) is wrong . her character seems fabricated merely as a defense to the " your film promotes the use of drugs " camp . the film would have been better off by sticking with the " rebel " tone it so eagerly tries to claim . yet , in the end , it doesn't really matter . watching the film clean and sober , you are bound to recognize how truly awful it is . i saw this film on christmas day expecting an upbeat comedy . boy was i in for a christmas dissapointment ! after an hour of the movie , i was ready to change rooms-into another theater ! read on to see what i have to say . . . . four rooms : starring : tim roth , jennifer beals , antonio banderas , quentin tarantino , valeria golino , madonna , bruce willis , marisa tomei , alicia witt , lili taylor , and ione skye . possible stars ) " four rooms " was supposed to be one of the biggest hits of the year . key word here : " supposed . " four of the biggest directors in hollywood : quentin tarantino , robert rodriguez , alexander rockwell , and alison anders were all directing one big film with a big and popular cast . i guess it was all just too much because this turned out to be the biggest flop of the year and it could of been great . the plot : it's new years eve and it's a bellboy's first day on the job . he encounters many mysterious and kinky hotel guests as he tries to handle all his own problems . tarantino told his directors this plot , and each of them wrote a script . it turned out each of them had written a dark comedy . anders wrote and directed the tale about a coven of witches ( madonna , valeria golino , alicia witt , and ione skye ) , which was the worst one out of all of them . the second room ( jennifer beals ) was better , but lacking in plot . this room was about a man who accuses every man of sleeping with his wife . the third room ( antonio banderas ) was the best roomm , about two rambunctous kids that trash a hotel suite . the final one ( tarantino , willis ) was about a movie star wanting the bellboy to chop off someone's finger . the movie was just plain trash . there was nothing here that even makes up a quality film . it was not funny , and i didn't hear one laugh in the theater throughout the whole film . tim roth is horrible as the bumbling and mumbling bellboy , and he ruins every joke in the film . the supporting cast loses meaning to the word support and the only mentionable actors/actresses are antonio banderas and jennifer beals . marisa tomei appears in a stupid cameo role . this movie is the worst film of the year and the film could have been great , perhaps like a more upbeat " plaza suite , " but it wasn't . as trashy as it was , some people will call it classic . do you call a man chopping off a finger with madonna's chest showing a classic film ? look for more of ken's kritic korner coming soon ! please check the newsgroups under the movie reviews section for updated reviews . p . s . " four rooms " made number 1 on my top ten worst list of 1995 . anna and the king is at least the fourth film adaptation of margaret landon's fact based novel the king and i , and it's big , expensive and soulless . though good-looking , its lavish sets , fancy costumes and luscious cinematography can do little to compensate for the emotional wasteland that is peter krikes and steve meerson's script . so much money was spent on pretty pictures that they forgot to actually make the movie interesting . this is jodie foster's first movie since the jaw-droppingly brilliant contact came out more than two years ago and it isn't the best choice to show off her acting chops . she's trapped in the stoic role of anna leonowens , the uptight , widowed british schoolteacher who comes to siam ( now thailand ) with her son to instruct the king's ( chow yun-fat ) son in the ways of the west ( because " the ways of england are the ways of the world ) . the king likes her so much he puts her in charge of educating the whole royal family ( 58 kids with 10 more in the way ; impressive , no ? ) . the eldest prince is none too happy about this ( " father , have i offended you in some way ? why do you punish me with imperialist schoolteacher ? ) , but soon gets to know anna and her stern- mother-who-loves-you personality better and comes to like her . meanwhile , siam comes under attack from the neighboring british colony of burma . the king and his close advisors suspect that this is britain's doing which arouses suspicion in siam , putting anna in an uncomfortable position . she is not sure what to make of this and seems to herself suspect british involvement in the crisis but works to diffuse the king's prejudices . he , though self-righteous as ever , can't help but be influenced by the eloquent anna and they slowly , quietly , develop affections for each other . there is a scene in the middle of anna and the king where one of the king's younger daughters dies . it's your classic deathbed scene , with the girl's mournful eyes staring at her father , who tries only semi- successfully to maintain his composure . anna then comes in and cries a bit . the sequence was there for a purpose : to evoke a strong emotional response from the viewer . i'm usually a sucker for such scenes and yet this time , i was just sitting there , my emotions untouched . this remains true through all of the movie which remains emotionally barren . we never develop connections to the characters ; never given a reason to care . this ludicrously long epic was directed by andy tennant , whose last film was ever after , one of my favorites of 1998 . i do not doubt tennant's ability to put together a decent movie , but anna and the king , aside from being psychologically inept is also technologically deficient . the sets and scenery are gorgeous , but the camerawork does nothing to convey its grandeur . even terrence malick managed to do more with flora and fauna in his otherwise abysmal the thin red line than tennant can muster from $75 million worth of props and a shoot in malaysia . we feel like the camera is restricted to its immediate point of view ; there are no wide tracking shots or sweeping zooms to fill us with larger-than-life awe . i liked both foster and yun-fat , who give entertaining if not terribly involving performances in the two lead roles . foster's generally stoic persona serves her well here , as she is playing a reserved , formal and rather underdeveloped character . yun-fat is especially effective , perfectly conveying the king of siam's sangfroid permeated with violent outbursts . what does anna and the king in is its inability to involve the viewer in its characters and situations . the cast is great , the director is talented , and the budget is lavish , but this ill-advised remake of the classic rogers and hammerstein movie is unable to utilize any of those things to form a compelling whole . this is an emotionless costume epic . robin hood : men in tights is another mel-brooks-produced film in the classic tradition of movies like blazing saddles and young frankenstein . mel brooks is well known for his comic look at regular life , his fast paced dialogue and sharp wit . unfortunately , robin hood : men in tights has none of the easy going humor of blazing saddles , none of the fun acting of young frankenstein , is devoid of the charm of spaceballs , and is even lacking the good , solid dialogue of history of the world . it is , in short , one of the worst movies i have seen mel brooks , or anybody else , produce . the plot borrows heavily from the well-received kevin costner movie of last year , robin hood : prince of thieves . this is not surprising in and of itself , and could have been used to great comic effect , mainly by parodying scenes from the orginal movie . mel brooks does not take advantage of this , however , and uses the film to launch several ideas into the air , none of which connect and none of which are explained later on . the movie's scenes could be shuffled around in any order and one would be hard pressed to notice . cary elwes , of princess bride fame , plays robin of loxley , a man who was captured in the crusades , fighting with king richard . he escapes and , joining with a man named achoo ( i am sure you can see the obvious joke ) , fights in england to reclaim his name and the throne for richard , which has been captured by evil prince john , played by funny comic richard lewis . he also tries for the love of maid marian and attempts to overthrow the evil " sheriff of rottingham " . a good adventure plot that is sadly unused . elwes and lewis are both excellent comics , but the dialogue in the movie is simply excruciating . neither actor has any good words to work with , and the lines simply aren't funny , nor believable . perhaps the worst example of this is when the group of merry men encounter a man playing a macaulay culkin clone from the hit movie home alone . this particular scene is so out of place and so badly acted , and followed by so many other scenes of equal miserable ideas , that i really felt like leaving the theatre . much of the audience continued to look at their watches throughout , and some left the theatre . chuckles were few and far between , and they mostly dealt with visual jokes ( such as an old , beaten up horse from " rent-a-wreck " ) then from any dialogue whatsoever . scenes that could have been classics , such as the archery contest , are ruined by poor acting . perhaps the largest problem with the movie is that it is simply offensive . the basic plot , that robin has received a key that will unlock the chastity belt of maid marian , is not witty nor funny . mel brooks as a circumcision-giving rabbi is also offensive to me and others in the audience ( not all jewish , either ) . the movie simply tries to hard trying to be funny and by and large fails . the addition of a blind man who stumbles around , falling off cliffs , walking into ledges and being a general buffoon could have had some humorous potential , but is also made terribly offensive . the only reason to see this movie is the surprise actor at the end who plays king richard . he is well worth waiting for , if you can stand an hour and half of unfunny dialogue , excruciating visual humor , old puns , ancient jokes and bad acting . if you can't , don't even bother watching this miserable film . with his successful books and movies , michael crichton is doing well . with early successes with westworld ( 1973 ) and coma ( 1978 ) , and recent films such as jurassic park ( 1993 ) , his films have been entertaining . however , he seems to taken a wrong turn somewhere with sphere . this $100 million mess by good director barry levison ( disclosure ) is dull , long winded , and a huge disappointment . considering the huge budget , the all star cast , and a story by crichton , sphere is majorly disappointing . the film opens with norman goodman ( hoffman ) , a psychologist who thinks he is visiting an airplane crash to console the survivors . however , when he arrives , he his told by supervisor barnes ( peter coyote ) that he is actually investigating an spacecraft . along with goodman is mathematician harry adams ( jackson ) , biologist beth halperin ( stone ) and ted fielding ( liev schrieber . ) they investigate the spaceship , find a massive sphere inside , meet an alien intelligence called jerry , and basically weird crap happens . unfortunately , something went wrong along the way with sphere . the film starts off entertaining enough , but throughout this very long movie , it just gets sillier and sillier . the film jaunts along from scene to scene , never fully explaining what is going on . the actors and directing don't help , either . hoffman is on autopilot ( and almost seems embarrassed ) throughout the movie , churning out dull lines , and probably wondering what the hell he is doing in this movie . stone is useless , displaying no emotion , and fails to convince the audience that she has any feelings for hoffman . the only person who seems to be having fun in this movie is jackson , who's funny as the mathematician who slowly goes crazy and entering the sphere . but he's hardly in it , and by the end of the film he is just as dull as hoffman and stone . the same goes for peter coyote , who hams it up as the officer , but is then killed off halfway through . the director , barry levinson , who directed the better crichton adaptation disclosure ( 1994 ) messes up with the drama and the action . the drama scenes are , quite frankly , boring , and the action scenes suffer from overkill , with levison throwing the camera all over the place ( much like the godawful speed 2 , 1997 ) the writing doesn't help much , either . although crichton is great with plots , he's terrible with dialogue , and practically every line in sphere is a dud . the speech is too simple , i was hoping it would be a bit more intelligent . practically every line is just stating the obvious . none of it is smart . also , where the hell did the budget go ? the sphere itself is impressive , and there's a few nice special effect shots , but where the $100 million went is anyone's guess . there's a giant squid attack in the picture , but not once does the audience see the squid , even though the film has a massive budget . i assume the picture was trying to build up tension by not showing the squid , and if handled correctly it probably would . but the whole scene is done badly , and i was just hoping we could see the stupid squid . finally , the film has no idea what genre to be . levison can't handle his own plot . it leaps from hokey sci-fi , to horror , and finally the shining/event horizon psychological thriller . and , of course , the film is very much like the abyss ( 1988 ) , although in it's defense , crichton did write sphere before the abyss was released ( and is far superior to this rubbish . ) it's not all that bad though . the plot is all right , there's a few jump scenes ( although nothing very scary ) and there's the occasionally interesting bit . but overall , sphere is a big waste of some fine talent , a lot of money , and a potentially good movie . not really worth seeing . overall rating= review by david wilcock director luis mandoki's last film was the superb , serious 1994 drama " when a man loves a woman , " but his luck has ultimately run out with his latest picture , " message in a bottle , " which is the worst type of romance , a movie that tugs so relentlessly and violently at the heartstrings that it miraculously manages to dry out your eyes rather than tear them up . everything that occurs can be telegraphed way in advance since this same type of story has been done many times before---and much better---so there's an absence of suspense , and the film ultimately moves at such a very , very deliberate pace , as if it is trying to make great , " meaningful " statements and plot developments , that it just becomes a tedious bore to sit through . " message in a bottle " begins with theresa osborne ( robin wright penn ) , a single mother and researcher at the chicago tribune , whom finds a bottle washed up on shore as she is jogging one day . inside the bottle is an anonymous love letter addressed to a mystery woman named catherine , and theresa is so taken aback by its honesty and sweetness that she shows it around at her work and , to her objection , finds that her editor has placed the letter in the newspaper . soon , a heavy research is conducted to find out who wrote the letter based on the type of bottle and a ship logo on the top of the typed message , and after it is traced to a man named garrett blake , theresa finds herself traveling to the outer banks , a boating town in north carolina , to find out the specifics of the message . of course , garrett turns out to be a handsome , rugged man around theresa's age and played by kevin costner . she is immediately charmed by him , but hesitant to unveil the truth of why she is there , and finds that catherine was garrett's late wife who died a few years earlier . do you think you know where this is headed ? most likely you do , and i wouldn't call it giving away anything to say that by the picture's end , the movie has fallen into deep , artificial melodrama that i didn't buy for a second . if there are any positive things to say about " message in a bottle , " it is that the performances by robin wright penn and paul newman , as garrett's stubborn , but loving father , are far above par to be in such a wasteful , " shaggy dog " love story , and that the cinematography by caleb deschanel takes great advantage of the beautiful eastern coast , and paints chicago as an equally alluring city . meanwhile , costner has yet to redeem himself for some of the less-than-stellar films that he has made recently . it seems that with such bad luck , he wouldn't want to make another movie set near water , but here he is again with one of the main , and most ridiculous , centerpieces set on a storm-swept sea . the other actors are all , sadly , wasted , including illeana douglas , an underused actress who seems to always get stuck with the " friend " roles , here playing penn's confidante and co-worker at the tribune . the first half of " message in a bottle " plays like a hum-drum , trite television movie for the lifetime channel , as theresa spends a great deal of time " getting to know " garrett , with dialogue that is not the least bit stimulating or entertaining . usually , i am the type of person to practically salivate over dialogue-laden sequences since the film is no doubt trying to develop the characters and their relationships , but here it all rang with a resounding falseness since the dialogue felt " written , " and not as if people were really " talking . " when the main characters of a film have very little of interest to say to each other , and are not particularly interesting themselves , you know immediately that you are in trouble . i swear that while watching " message in a bottle , " i felt as if i had just read the screenplay in its entirety before arriving at the theater ( heck , in actuality i'm not even familiar to the novel this is based on , by nicholas sparks ) . always one step ahead of the characters , the movie ran so closely and tightly to the constraints of the tried-and-true hollywood melodrama , the film strip often seemed to almost be in danger of tearing . nobody wins prizes for guessing that garrett will eventually find out theresa's secret , and that several obstacles will come within their ways of living happily ever after . this same exact problem occurred in last year's very , very similar ( watch this , and you will realize just how similar i mean ) meg ryan-nicolas cage romantic drama , " city of angels . " although theresa is deeply touched by the " heartfelt " letter that she finds in the bottle , perhaps the filmakers might have been better off finding a message in a bottle of their own , preferably before filming began . it should have read , " memo to screenwriters : use you brain ! " i remember really enjoying this movie when i saw it years ago . i guess my memory really sucks . there is very , very little that is funny in caddyshack . the laughs are few , and far between , and what there are really aren't that great . caddyshack , as the name implies , more or less centers on one young caddy working at an exclusive country club . michael o'keefe plays said caddy . why they cast this unknown , fairly untalented actor in the lead role is completely beyond me . the movie doesn't seem to have a real plot , just a series of scenes that are little more than opportunities for the rest of the cast to mug at the camera . the only real story , if you can call it that , was a subplot involving the mentally disturbed greens keeper , bill murray , who is having his own private little war against a gopher who is ruining the course . most of the marginal laughs come from rodney dangerfield and ted knight mugging and overacting for the camera -- with painfully limited success . bill murray is slightly amusing in places , but fairly wasted . the biggest waste of all is chevy chase , who didn't even crack a smile on my face with his character's lame zen-like approach to golfing . there are a few decent scenes involving the interaction between dangerfield and knight , but they are far too infrequent to carry the movie . i guess that's what you get for basing a story around an unknown kid . i'm not sure what the writers of this thing were thinking of , but i really think it was something far removed from comedy as they were putting pen to paper . nothing about this movie works . it wouldn't have taken a genius to figure out that this thing wasn't going to fly . most of the scenes just couldn't possibly be funny . it's as if the writers where off in their own little brain damaged world . i'm sure scenes involving chevy chase and his oneness with the golf ball were supposed to be funny . in reality , they were painfully embarrassing to watch . there is a scene at the club pool where all the caddies go wild for the " hot babe " of the movie walking by in her bikini . olive oil would have filled out this swimsuit better than this girl . everything about this movie was just completely implausible as far as the comedy was concerned . maybe if you were drunk out of you mind or high off some sort of illegal narcotic this thing might be funny . but for the rest of us , stay the hell away from caddyshack . tommy lee jones chases an innocent victim around america who is trying to prove that she did not kill her spouse . the fugitive ? not quite ? this is the plot for double jeopardy , another fugitive copycat without the action , excitement , and good acting that the original had . there are other slight differences besides one movie being bad and the other good ; this time tommy lee jones plays a parole officer not a us marshall , clever huh ? oh and the fugitive ashley judd was framed by her own husband ( bruce greenwood ) who needed to collect two million dollars in life insurance money not a one armed man . both movies are on video . make the wise choice and pick the fugitive . there are so many flaws in double jeopardy , it is laughable . while serving time in prison , libby parsons ( judd ) discovers that she can never be charged for committing the same crime twice . learning that her husband is still alive , she decides to serve her time in prison , find him , retrieve her son , and kill her husband if necessary . when the strict parole officer travis lehman ( jones ) stands in her way , libby decides to break the rules ( who knows why ? ) and continue her plan , despite the fact that if she gets caught , she's going back to jail . director bruce beresford spends way too much time trying to convince the audience that libby misses her son . every other scene , we are given a shot of libby staring and crying at his picture . in an action movie like this , valuable time wasted on these shots takes away more opportunities for libby to get up and do something . all that is needed in this type of movie is a short scene in which libby tells herself or a friend " i miss my son . " nothing more , nothing less . dr . kimble of the fugitive didn't look at one picture of his dead wife , his primary concern was to save himself . libby at times shows this same determination but not nearly enough . ashley judd and bruce greenwood both are excellent actors but if they continue to do movies like this , they will be typecast for the rest of their careers , kind of like their doomed co-star tommy lee jones . winning an oscar for the fugitive must have convinced jones that audiences will never get tired of his i-do-my-job-whether-they-are-innocent-or-guilty roles . people still pay to see his movies and he makes plenty of money so i guess he was right . though i don't think he will win another oscar again . the ultimate mistake in the script is what eventually becomes of libby parsons . even if she was excused for disobeying her parole officer , the number of other crimes she commits while on the run are too numerous to count . burglary , assault , grand theft auto are some of libby's slipups . the message of the movie is you can break all of the small laws as long as you're innocent of the major crime . hopefully criminals won't use double jeopardy as a reference in court for why they are innocent . that would just be plain stupid . while i am not fond of any writer's use of cheap , easy puns , i am not completely above using them myself when the situation merits it ( witness my review of _pecker_ from a couple of issues ago ) . so here goes : the juvenile , college-set black comedy _dead_man_on_campus_ is dead on arrival . strait-laced med student josh ( tom everett scott , who manages to remain somewhat likable throughout ) 's blemish-free academic record breaks out into fs , thanks to the influence of his ever-partying roommate , cooper ( mark-paul gosselaar ) , who introduces josh to the sex- and booze-filled nights that come with university life . with the threat of losing an academic scholarship ( josh ) and a life cleaning toilets for his dad looming ( cooper ) , what are two good-hearted slackers to do ? easy--look for a loophole , which they find in the form of an unbelievable rule in the school charter that states that if a student's ( or students' ) roommate commits suicide , the surviving student ( s ) shall receive straight as . so instead of studying , josh and cooper attempt to seek out the most depressed student out there , move him into their dorm room , and drive him to suicide before the semester ends . director alan cohn and screenwriters michael traeger and mike white ( working from a story by anthony abrams and adam larson broder ) take their sweet time to build the head of steam that comes with josh and cooper's diabolical plot . until then , the usual boring cliches of college life ( booze , sex , more booze ) fill the time , which is made to feel longer by _saved_by_the_bell_ alumnus gosselaar's sitcom-bred mugging . that said , once cohn and company do build some comic momentum , they mishandle it . the introduction of the manic , psychotic cliff ( lochlyn munro ) , a potential roommate for josh and cooper , brings some demented life to the uninspired proceedings before being hastily written out in favor of two less interesting candidates : paranoid nerd buckley ( randy pearlstein ) and british death rocker matt ( corey page ) . one wishes that cliff would reappear , but , as they say , be careful what you wish for . not surprisingly , he does resurface , and it then becomes clear that this is a character that is best taken in a small dose ; almost immediately , his extended boorish and sociopathic antics loses its novelty . the same can be said about all of _dead_man_on_campus_ . whatever morbid appeal the far-fetched premise has quickly evaporates , and the self-absorbed characters , especially cooper , pretty much grate from the get-go . _dead_man_ doesn't grow tiresome ; it already _is_ once the clever opening titles are through . as it slogs along to a cheesy , happy-for-all-parties conclusion , _dead_man_ lives up to its title and then some--not only does the movie grow even more tired and die , it still insists on going on . . . like a zombie . boy , what a great movie ! ! keanu reeves and morgan freeman acting together , the director of the fugitive ( andrew davis ) back again to give us another thriller , and the beautiful rachel stealing beauty weisz thrown in to boot . how could this not be a blockbuster ? all die-hard keanu reeves fans , read on . ol " much ado about nothing " plays eddie kasalivich , a machinist studying at the university of chicago . to help pay for the rent , he takes on this job making the machinery for a hydrogen project being conducted by the university . by happy coincidence , he also happens to stumble on the solution to the final problem and thus is the only one who knows the key to performing this feat of miracle physics . this project holds great promise : taking hydrogen from water and giving out more energy than is put in . a potential solution to the earth's energy problems without the pollution cost . surely nobody could have any problems with that ? morgan freeman is paul shannon , the project's sponsor . he works for a very powerful organization that disagrees with the paternal project leader as to how quickly technology should be released to the public . he figures the world will disintegrate into anarchy if the results of the project are released too quickly . so he murders the project leader , blows up the project ( great but short scene here , sort of like a mini id4 city-devastation thing ) and tries to simulate the experiment at some other hi-tech hush-hush location . unfortunately , our intrepid machinist and an english physicist ( weisz ) manage to get away and now follows a fugitive-like chase using a not too dissimilar rehash of that movie script . this movie is just dying for a comparison with " the fugitive " . both movies use chicago as the main city and since the place doesn't change much , i guess we can't really blame the setting for the paucity of atmosphere . the trouble here is that where the fugitive had harrison ford and tommy lee jones , chain reaction only has keanu reeves and fred ward . credit to them , but we aren't really given much of a chance to empathise with the characters . where ford was able to work within the confines of the movie to evoke sympathy , eddie kasalivich just doesn9t seem very believeable and reeves' character is never given the time to develop . it might have been a better investment in film to give the characters more depth and spend less time on the chase sequences , which frankly , get quite boring after a while . harrison ford was " the man against the world . " he was alone in a world where he didn't know who to trust and it came across real well . in chain reaction , keanu reeves isn't alone . now that would be fine if the fleeing couple had some chemistry and could really portray some paranoia , vulnerability and confusion . we don't get this . we get him thinking he's still in speed , only now our sandra bullock has an english accent , probably doesn't drive a bus , and hardly contributes anything to the movie . the producers here probably thought , " hey , what if keanu and rachel don't hit it off too well ? let's rope in that morgan to help us out . " well , keanu and rachel didn't hit it off well on the screen , and most unfortunately , morgan freeman doesn't help much either . the only thing we come to really know of paul shannon is that he always has a full load of cigars in his cigar holder . it's not really his fault . once again , andrew davis just doesn't take the time to build his characters . someone must have convinced him that this time round , cinema dollars are best earned by making the movie run like a headless chicken . the flying inkpot rating system : * wait for the tv2 broadcast . * * a little creaky , but still better than staying at home with gotcha ! * * * pretty good , bring a friend . * * * * amazing , potent stuff . * * * * * perfection . see it twice . there are those of us who think of leslie nielsen as the bumbling , hapless straight man from the hysterical " naked gun " films , crack an immediate smile and forgive him of whatever wavering movie spoof he's committed himself to starring in since . the wavering movie spoofs , however , are less forgivable . to be fair , " wrongfully accused , " the send-up in question and nielsen's third parody since the last " gun , " isn't quite as excruciatingly humorless as his " dracula : dead and loving it " or " spy hard , " which is a mighty good thing . nielsen is still in tip-top comedic form , able as ever to deadpan his way through even the most horrible puns , but he really needs a screenplay that plays off his talents instead of relying on them , and he needs one very soon . " wrongfully accused " meshes together the premises of " the fugitive " and " patriot games , " casting its always game star as ryan harrison ( get it ? ) , a master violinist who is drawn into an affair with a married temptress ( kelly le brock ) . she , however , sets harrison up to take the rap for the murder of her husband ( michael york ) - a crime actually committed by a one-armed , one-legged , one-eyed man ( aaron pearl ) . harrison is arrested , found guilty and sentenced to death , but escapes from a prison bus , of course , and then is pursued by a determined u . s . marshal named fergus falls ( richard crenna , unnecessarily riffing off of tommy lee jones' already smirky oscar-winning role ) . there's also a mystery brunette ( melinda mcgraw ) and an assassination subplot involving the u . n . secretary general , but like any of it matters . " wrongfully accused " gets off to an assured start , with an in-concert nielsen , touted " lord of the violin " by bare-chested posters , pulling a jimi hendrix on his musical instrument as hundreds of tuxedo-clad mosh in front of the stage . nice touch . most of the scenes that follow , however , never top the opener . ( hysterical exceptions : the mentos and " baywatch " goofs . ) movie parodies are crammed in at an almost-subliminal rate , but most are empty . when a giant snake lunges onto the screen and snatches a cast member a la " anaconda " or baseball players disappear into a " field of dreams " -esque cornfield , there's really nothing to laugh at . other moments , like an interlude in a fishing shop , are so unfocused that you're not sure what you're supposed to be laughing at . there seem to be more cheap references than frenzied send-ups here , so it's possible that director/writer pat proft , by bombarding the viewer with a careless mixture of the two , guarantees something is sure to stick . and what does stick sticks well , particularly the jabs at genre conventions like stylized flashbacks and hard-boiled dialogue , what those " naked gun " s ( which proft collaborated on ) did great ; these bits are so on-target that they allow you to remember " wrongfully accused " as an almost-halfway-there spoof instead of a lame-brained failure . the movie might have been cursed to begin with , opening fast on the heels of " mafia ! " , from proft colleague jim abrahams , and " baseketball , " from proft colleague david zucker , but it's a strong possibility that nobody is going to be accusing " wrongfully accused " of being nielsen's funniest . please don't mind this windbag letting off a bit of steam . . . i just want to warn all of y'all not to waste your hard-earned $$$ on anaconda . it's not even worth a 99-cent video rental . don't listen to ebert on this one ( he has no clue what he's talking about ! ) btw i accompanied my friend to this one because she was * required * to watch it on assignment ( she reviews movies for a local paper ) . now i'll actually back up my huffing and puffing . here goes : movie : anaconda rydain's bottom line : wait for it to come on usa up all night . even then , i doubt it's worth the price of jolt ( to help you stay up that late ! ) why do i hate anaconda ? let me count the ways . . . first of all , this movie gets way too many snake facts wrong . as an ophiophile ( snake lover ) , i can tell you that a ) anacondas would never reach a length of 40 feet , b ) they're scared of people , c ) cases of snakes eating adult humans are extremely rare because human shoulders are too wide to fit in a snake's mouth , and constrictor snakes don't kill what they can't eat , d ) people can outrun snakes with no trouble , especially heavy ones like anacondas , e ) if an anaconda did eat a human , it would need at least 6 months of sitting on its butt to digest the huge meal , therefore it couldn't run around gobbling up everybody else in the cast , and f ) snakes have no vocal cords , so they can't make funny squealing noises . whew . i was prepared to suspend reality if the movie would have been worth it . unfortunately , anaconda was about as suspenseful and exciting as watching paint peel . my friend and i even successfully predicted who would live at the end . anybody can tell the bad guy is going to die eventually . that was a pity because his character was one of the few reasons my friend and i didn't give up and fall asleep . he was the most likable character in the movie . who wouldn't enjoy somebody who looks like a deranged walt whitman ? anaconda did have its cute moments : arguments between ice cube's character and the british guy , for instance . however , those small flashes of wit were not worth the other hour and twenty-eight minutes of boring schlock . the writers had - and blew - a multitude of opportunities to insert funny lines . i was quite disappointed with a scene where a young guy tells a young lady that the jungle makes him horny . did she retort with a clever , ego-withering comeback ? of course not ! " i'm trying to work ! " gee , that's even dumber than the crap comebacks i come up with . she could have told him to go find a knothole or something . . . ; p but i will admit , there was just one scene where i was surprised at the outcome ( hint : it involves the evil guy and miss crap comebacks ) . as for the plot , i'm still trying to find one . this movie was basically an excuse to get a boatload of people into dangerous territory where they could get snarfed by ridiculous , computer-generated anacondas with the eyes and fangs of vipers and the faster-than-gravity downward acceleration of a harrier jet . ( harrier snake ? ) not to mention instant digestion so they could go snarf countless other victims . the writers tried to throw in some sort of plot twist ( should i call it a plot knot because it made no sense ? ) in which the sick guy's g-friend kisses the evil dude and suddenly everybody hates said evil dude and starts trying to kill him . that was about as clear and understandable as mission : impossible . ( if someone could explain that movie to me , i'd be most grateful ! all the old-guy double agents looked the same ! ! ) i wasn't inspired by the acting , save for the evil dude . i can't blame the actors , though . it's not their fault they had a cruddy script to work with . this concludes rydain's diatribe on a shameless exploitation ( and perpetuation ! ) of public fear of snakes . comments , flames , anyone ? -rydain the atomic cheese , fresh from chernobyl dairies ! this movie is written by the man who is deemed to be " one of the hottest writers in hollywood " . he wrote the groundbreaking screenplay for scream ( 8/10 ) , then added the successful i know what you did last summer ( 7 . 5/10 ) script to his mix , and also created the popular tv series " dawson's creek " . so when he asked to direct his first movie , based on his first ever script written , everyone and their grandma said " sure , go for it ! " . uhhm , my question is . . . did anyone bother reading this stupid script ? ? ? plot : ace student leigh ann watson is mistakenly caught with some cheating papers by the bitchiest teacher in the west , mrs . tingle , and set to lose her scholarship to college . when she and her friends visit the teacher at home in order to explain their side of the story , they end up tying her up , and slowly trying to talk some sense into the hardheaded woman . critique : it's not so much that this is a bad movie , than the fact that it sucks . this movie is chock-full of one-dimensional characters , contains no actual humor that i was able to zone in on , zero tension or thrills , plot holes the size of my big ass , lame pop tunes played to mask nothing going on in the movie , and molly ringwald , vivica a . fox and lesley anne warren tossed away in throwaway roles . i was primed for this film as its interesting premise had me thinking misery ( 8/10 ) and 9 to 5 , but unfortunately for williamson , he went nowhere with the bright foundation , making references to the exorcist and dr . zhivago , which i doubt many in his target market will appreciate . he also forgot about suspense , with all of his characters based on incomprehensible decisions , unbelievable motivations and simply boring us with all of their trite dialogue . sure , katie holmes is cute , and her co-star , marisa coughlan , did a reasonably amusing impression of the exorcist ( worth two points out of my three on ten ) , but how can we forgive the biggest one-dimensional character in any film , holmes' rival in the film , mrs . tingle's complete unprofessionalism being let go by all others around her ( are teachers allowed to behave that way nowadays ? ) and a transparent romance between holmes and some long-haired dude , hired to be the poor man's version of skeet ulrich ( who himself is a poor man's version of johnny depp ! ) . all in all , this movie was laughable for me , provided me with no insight into anything , demonstrated williamson's genuine lack of directorial skills alongside a juvenile script , and provided helen mirren with a great role to chew into , unfortunately forgetting to give her character any believability , humanity or capacity to comprehend . no hip lines , no cheap thrills , just a dull time at the movie theater . if you want to see a funny teenage movie , go see detroit rock city ( 8/10 ) , and thank my drunken , sorry ass in the morning . little known facts about this film and its stars : kevin williamson's father was a fisherman . kevin used his knowledge of fishing hooks and winches when creating the killer in i know what you did last summer ( 7 . 5/10 ) . he is also a huge fan of steven spielberg and coincidentally , so is dawson leery on tv's " dawson's creek " , a show kevin created . he was once an aspiring actor . in fact , he even landed a bit part on tv's " another world " . also , williamson has gone on record to say that an unsupportive english teacher who once told him that he would never amount to anything was the inspiration for mrs . tingle , which is also loosely based on the book " killing mr . griffin " by the writer of i know what you did last summer ( 7 . 5/10 ) , lois duncan . he has also come out and said that he is a gay man . helen mirren was born in london , england under the name ilynea lydia mironoff . she is married to director taylor hackford , whose works include devil's advocate ( 8/10 ) and an officer and a gentleman ( 8 . 5/10 ) . this film was originally titled killing mrs . tingle , but was changed after the columbine high school shooting incident . actress marisa coughlan will star in kevin williamson next tv project called " wasteland " . this is actor barry watson first full feature film . he has played the character of " seth " on tv's " malibu shores " several times . in a typical cinematic high school , the football jocks have sex with the girls and then dump them , but not before the boys' scores are dutifully recorded in their little black books . as the sexual acts take place , the other guys hang out nearby , guzzling beer and grunting like pigs . in the rage : carrie 2 , robert mandel's terminally bland sequel to carrie , there isn't a single original moment . only amy irving returns from carrie , and the talent of the rest of the sequel's cast is impossible to determine given the stupefying mediocrity of rafael moreu's script . as rachel , the horror story's lead , emily bergl gives one of the least scary performances in recent memory , but it isn't exactly her fault . the director asks for little from his actors , which is precisely what he gets . sporadically in this lame and lifeless movie , rachel will cause school lockers and windows to fly open , but generally she just mopes around looking like a victim . her fellow students delight in tormenting her . of course , she will get her revenge in the obligatory ending bloodbath in which she will decapitate and castrate the boys and crush the girls with burning timbers . as the movie marks time until its big finale , it throws in some repugnant scenes , hoping to turn audience's stomachs . rachel's girlfriend commits a horrible and realistic suicide after the boy who made " love " to her the night before spurns her . ( he gets major points in his black book for this , but his buddies say he would have gotten more if he had had sex with her after her death . ) even a helpless puppy is run over , and we see his poor , little body flipping over and over under a truck . the teenagers in the movie are completely blas ? about it all . " doesn't it offend you that some girl offed herself yesterday , " asks one of the few kids with a conscience . " why ? " responds his nonplussed girlfriend . " she wasn't anybody . " remarkably devoid of any energy , especially for a horror flick , the movie makes one yearn for a fast forward button on the theater's armrest . with material this bad , the film's only hope is to go for parody , but it isn't smart enough to realize it . even the mandatory epilogue is as pointless and predictable as the rest of the movie . the rage : carrie 2 runs 1 : 45 . it is rated r for graphic violence , teen alcohol abuse , sex , nudity and profanity and would be acceptable only for older teenagers . man , this was one wierd movie . similar to conspiracy theory in that it couldn't decide which genre it is . the first hour is your standard stock aliens clone , which nicely created an eerie atmosphere about the ship . the last half hour ? this was when the makers blew the script out the airlock and just decided - " screw it , let's just kill everybody " . from then on - forget sci-fi . . . this movie becomes 100% horror . what really dissappointed me about this movie was that it tried to scare you in entirely the wrong way . instead of using clever tricks or trying to build up to a scare - this movie just uses loud noises , sudden camera shifts and short quick bursts of gore . . . . . yawn . . . . everyone's seen it all before and knows when to expect it . the one thing that was done well was the lead up to finding out about what happened to the previous crew . there are skeletons lying around mangled and mashed , but what did this ? then finally after being painfully restored - the new crew views the video . the acting isn't too bad at all . . . . . considering what the actors had to work with anyway , as there is no complex or interesting dialogue to speak of . there was some very nice camerawork in certain sequences though , like when the hull near the bridge of the event horizon is breached and the camera pans back to follow specific objects as they bounce across the deck and are sucked out into space . this movie could have been so much better . it had a good experienced cast who deserved more to work with . there was just nothing new here that any of us haven't seen before in aliens or hellraiser . the king and i , a warner brothers animated , musical feature , recycles the classic story of a woman who challenges the heart of a king , with obvious results . when anna ( miranda richardson ) , a british schoolteacher , travels to saim to educate the king's ( martin vidnovic ) children , she learns that the king is treating his people unfairly , and must say something to the greedy ruler . meanwhile , the king's prime minister ( ian richardson ) , the stereotypical villain , plots to overthrow the king , taking the throne . the last , and most predictable , main subplot deals with the king's son ( allen d . hong ) , and his love for a servant , tuptim ( armi arabe ) , and how he conflicts with his feelings , and the ancient laws of saim . not even the lone strong character of anna can save the unbelievably horrible waste of talent , as the king and i's problems could fill the blank pages of a journal . i will only note the major difficulties , for it would take pages to elaborate on every detail . the screenplay , written by arthur rankin , peter bakalian , jacqeline feather , and david seidler , which is based upon the play written by richard rodgers and oscar hammerstein , has some of the worst dialogue written in a film within recent memory , as every time the obnoxious king would shout , " etc , etc , etc , " i would cringe . literally . speaking of cringing- i did quite a bit of this during the rather short film , which is a classic display of terrible filmmaking . besides the repetitive dialogue from the king , on the whole , the songs seem out of place , and unlike the lyrics , are unmagical . the sole song which is used cleverly is " getting to know you , " which is used as anna shows the children the great outdoors , which they have never been exposed to . unlike disney animated features , the king and i's songs don't add to the film , and are as uneffective as could be . take the following scenario as an example , as the sheer horror of the king and i's music is at its worst . you're being hunted by a dragon ! what do you do ! ? sing a happy song ! martin vidnovic voices the king without effort or emotion- you hear the saying two negatives don't make a positive ? believe it ! with the terrible dialogue that the king has , along with his awful voice track , the king is completely unbelievable , only shows mild signs of any personality , and the only thing that changes in the king is that he says " etc . , etc . , etc . , " more and more as the film progresses . no personality at the beginning of the movie , none at the end . and where does this character's personality change ? hey , i thought anna was supposed to change him ! isn't that the whole plot ? the prime minister's hideous sidekick ( darrell hammond ) brings his share of cringes as well - oh no ! another one of his teeth fell out ! hardy-har-har ! he is supposed to bring laughs for the kidlets , but even at age five i would have cringed while watching him . by the way this review is going , you may think the reasoning for my hate for this film is due to not liking animated films- hence why i hate this movie , because the king and i is a disgrace to animation . animated films , such as 1994's the lion king and 1998's the prince of egypt , are among my favorite movies of all time . the animation team does design their share of well animated settings , so this makes it easier to take my mind off of the annoying king , until i realize that day and night switch back in fourth within seconds . i have not read the play , or seen the oscar winning , 1956 film adaption , but from what i can tell , the screenplay for the 1999 version completely butchers the play , for the king and i is never magical , nor interesting . if it wasn't for miranda richardson , who voices anna with feeling , the king and i could earn the title , " worst movie of the decade . " instead , the king and i will just go down as among the year's worst . the bottom line- avoid this movie at all costs . not even young children , the target audience in this film , will enjoy it . not the slightest bit . synopsis : cro-magnon ayla loses her mother to an earthquake and escapes certain death by a lion . reluctantly rescued by a neanderthal clan who likes to have sex doggy-style , ayla grows up to become a blond , feminist supermodel who challenges the neanderthal patriarchy by throwing rocks and giving birth without a mate . comments : allow me to state for the record that i find daryl hannah an appealing presence in movies . she proved quite charming as the intelligent astronomer in the romantic comedy roxanne and equally creepy as pris in the sci-fi classic blade runner . the clan of the cave bear clearly tries to capitalize on hannah as a selling point : the poster art bears a striking closeup of hannah in tribal paint and the video box prominently features her name in lettering the same size as the title . not even her starring role in this turkey , unfortunately , can save it from being an unbelievable exercise in cheese . it's so uniquely bad ( a film dealing with prehistoric man that actually tries , and miserably fails , to be serious ) that it's oddly fascinating . the ridiculous attempt at drama here leaves the audience somehow transfixed , wanting to see how this dud plays out . the clan of the cave bear is based upon a popular novel by jean m . auel . to this day , the book possesses a loyal cult following . i remember a dear friend of mine had a dog-eared copy of the novel she had read as a child with all the so-called dirty parts blacked out with marker by her grandmother . i have never read this book , but i sure hope it's 10 , 000 times better than its film adaptation . if not , then i'm at a complete loss to explain its popularity . the clan of the cave bear immediately opens with a comically absurd scene . a young ayla , looking much like drew barrymore in e . t . , tramps about in the woods . with her cute little ponytails and fur wrapped about her , the audience's expectations of a convincing portrayal of prehistory are immediately shattered . what follows is a laughably choreographed sequence in which an earthquake swallows up ayla's mother ( a blonde with fur pants . . . er , leggings ) . tearful ayla looks on as the cameraman shakes the camera . . . well , as the earthquake slowly recedes . a hungry lion becomes interested in her for lunch , but the screaming six-year-old manages to outrun the king of the wild and find a safe haven . i won't detail the story any further ; this seems enough to illustrate my point . this movie is really stupid . it never even gives the audience a chance to suspend their disbelief . also , the obvious comparison between the appearance of cro-magnon man in prehistory and the rise of feminism in our century is about as subtle as burning a wonderbra in front of charlton heston . the movie doesn't just suggest this message ; it whacks the message into the audience with a two-by-four . a blond , gorgeous woman challenges the social laws of a bunch of people in gaudy brown wigs . she's of the " new people " ; they're of the " old people " with " the memories . " yep . we get it . we get it . the clan of the cave bear apparently received an academy award nomination for best make-up , which surprises me . the movie depends upon a lot of make-up obviously , but much of it is unconvincing . as stated before , daryl hannah is daryl hannah here ; she looks like she just stepped out of the shower all the time . the rest of the characters have dark make-up of some sort smeared over them to look like dirt . the face-painting that's occasionally seen is perhaps the only notable work here in my mind . this movie also suffers from its new age trappings . maybe the music sounded a lot more fresh or original during 1985 , but now it sounds dated and cliched , like poorly conceived elevator music . add to this the film's faux-mysticism , including spirit animals and dream visions , and a narrator who sounds like a psychic you'd expect to hear on a 1-900 number , and you get a movie that has serious problems being serious . the clan of the cave bear is rated r , though it's probably one of the most inoffensive offensive films i've seen in quite a while . it contains several scenes of sex sans nudity . the violence mostly consists of hunting scenes . the funniest moment of the movie occurs when a neanderthal in love with ayla attempts to rescue her from a ferocious bear . the bear bites his head off and the audience sees it rolling about . although this may sound gratuitous , i'm sure , it's so cheesy that it probably won't bother most people . the clan of the cave bear is a bad movie . however , as i wrote at the beginning of this review , it does have the distinction of originality . typically when i think of bottom-of-the-barrel films dealing with early man , fantasy movies involving dinosaurs ( who did not exist at the same time as man ) and raquel welch come to mind . the clan of the cave bear tries so hard to be serious that , though it's so bad , the audience is still interested by the unique setting and characters of the movie ( which is why i awarded this turkey two stars ) . i have to think that fans of the book would be disappointed with this film version ; however , i'm only basing this observation on the fact that the book is almost invariably better than the movie . i shudder to think that it could be otherwise . . . salaries of hollywood top actors are getting obscenely large these days and many find this to be the main reason for skyrocketing movie budgets . actors who demand such salaries might be greedy , but in some instances they are quite justified , because many films would never be watched or even made without their participation . proof for that can be found even in the realm of low-budget movies , and one fine example is breakaway , 1995 thriller directed by sean dash and starring ( in ) famous figure skater tonya harding . face of tonya harding is most prominently featured on movie's poster , but the main star of the film is terri thompson who plays myra , attractive woman who works as a courier for gangster . one day she decides to retire , but her employers are anything but enthusiastic about that . realising that her life suddenly became worthless , myra starts running for her life , followed by professional assassins . terri thompson being the actual star of the film instead of tonya harding becomes quite understandable after the scenes that feature former figure skater . although tonya harding displays convincing martial arts abilities , her acting leaves much to be desired . on the other hand , her disappointing efforts are hardly out of place in the film that lacks originality , believable characters and situations and actually represents anything that gave b-films a bad name . martin sheen's brother joe estevez , whose character looks like he had entered from another movies' set , is the only bright spot of breakaway . unfortunately , he appears in this film too little too late to prevent viewers from realising why tonya harding's silver screen debut proved to be her last film . movies like six days , seven nights make me mad because talented people like harrison ford , anne heche , and ivan reitman put a lot of hard work in to a script worth about ten cents . ? the script was written by michael browning , and he decided that , instead of thinking up new ideas , he'd rehash a lot of cliches , omit even the slightest bit of character development , and then throw in drug-dealing pirates to provide for a few high-level action sequences and explosions . ? there are good scripts out there that high-profile actors can make ( see the truman show , for instance ) . ? six days , seven nights is simply a waste . let's see . . . we have to get harrison ford and anne heche alone on an island . ? so , how do we do that ? ? well , we'll make her a feisty magazine editor , and we'll make him a crusty old pilot . ? but wait , she has to have a fianc ? e ; that can be david schwimmer . ? but wait , if she has a fianc ? e , how will she and harrison ford crash on the island alone ? ? i know ! ? they'll get to their vacation spot , and then she'll get called back ! ? yessssss ! ? so , they'll crash on the island , and that will be funny for about five minutes . ? shucks . oh , i've got it ! ? we'll throw in a distracting subplot in which her fianc ? e has sex with a really attractive woman who acts like a bimbo , and then he can feel guilty . ? then , when anne heche kisses harrison ford ( they have to kiss , because otherwise nobody will want to see the movie ) , it will be a vindicated action , because her fianc ? e will already have cheated on her ! ? then , for no obvious reason , they'll accidentally run into pirates who try to kill them . ? oh , yes ! ? i feel so good about this story . ? instead of using characterization to propel the events , it will be completely random , and yet totally predictable ! ? imagine that . don't get me wrong -- six days , seven nights is not a boring picture ; ford and heche both do a great job . ? the sparks fly between them , and so most of browning's inane dialogue is drowned out by the actors' sheer force of talent . ? almost every scene between them has energy that the performers bring to the screen , and i found myself laughing pretty hard . ? schwimmer is also funny , and manages to milk all of his scenes for whatever he can get . ? and reitman , who has made some good films , at least tries to make things exciting . ? even though the pirate subplot is profoundly dumb , i was prepared to be pleasantly sidetracked by the action sequences . it's just when i start to think about the story that my contempt for this film surfaces . ? the picture feels like it's been hacked to pieces -- i wouldn't be surprised if five or six inept subplots have been edited out completely . ? the ones that are here are as bad as they come ( i think i let out a very audible groan when they get the first glimpse of the pirate ships ) , and i'd just like to shake the producers by the shoulders and scream , " why did you pick this awful script ! ? " ? the film is outright stupid , but some of the elements are subtly horrifying . ? for instance , take the subplot in which the schwimmer character has sex with the bimbo , and then feels really guilty . ? this is a serious problem in real life , but six days , seven nights reduces any chance of complexity to a weak plot device : ? his actions are what makes it okay for heche to kiss ford . ? in a script that lacks even a glimpse of intelligent subtlety , i find it odd that such a strangely insulting device ended up in the story . this is summer movie season , but that doesn't mean our movies have to be dumb . ? 1998 so far has been one of the worst years in recent memory for summer blockbusters . ? when i was in line for six days , seven nights , i heard the woman in front of me ask for " two tickets to that new harrison ford movie . " ? why didn't she know the name of the film ? ? i suppose she just didn't care . ? what bothers me even more is that the people who make these big-budget pictures don't realize that their films are becoming parodies of themselves . ? good actors should sign to good scripts , and if hollywood insists on making flicks to rake in cash , they least they could do is assume that we'd like to spend our money on a story worth more than ten cents . if anything , " stigmata " should be taken as a warning against releasing similarly-themed films relatively close to one another . of the four supernatural horror flicks released this year , it is clearly the worst . i suppose i should have seen this coming . after all , " blair witch " thoroughly creeped me out , " sixth sense " was mildly spooky , and then " stir of echoes " had its moments , but wasn't anything i'd lose sleep over . clearly , the quality of the horror this summer has slowly been dropping . is it then any surprise that " stigmata " is the dullest , most horribly executed piece of mtv-influenced tripe i have seen in a long while ? no , not really . patricia arquette plays frankie page , a hairdresser from pittsburgh who receives a rosary as a gift from her globe-trotting mother . as it turns out , the rosary belonged to a recently-deceased brazilian priest . the priest's church had been under investigation by father andrew kiernan ( gabriel byrne ) because of the mysterious appearance of a bleeding statue . father kiernan is an investigator who has made a career out of disproving supposed religious signs , but this time he believes there is something to the bleeding statue . his investigation is soon called off , however , when the frankie starts exhibiting signs of the stigmata , in which a person is inflicted with wounds like that of jesus christ . father kiernan is initially skeptical of frankie' s story , considering she's an atheist , but once he witnesses the stigmata attacks himself , he dedicates himself to finding out what is going on . he eventually begins to suspect that his boss , cardinal houseman ( jonathan pryce ) , is concealing something that could bring down the catholic church . as it turns out , the dead priest had been working on the translation of a " fifth gospel " before they were excommunicated . the new rupert wainwright music video . . . i mean film " stigmata " is the sort of film that starts off ok and only gets worse . indeed , it would have been good if it were a music video , because it's only interesting for about five minutes . i'm not sure what wainwright is trying to prove with his endless parade of slow-motion , double-exposure , and extreme close-ups ( whoaaaaaa ! ! ! ! ) , other than the fact that he has the most swelled head of any director in hollywood and , yes , he has been to film school . his camera trickery is interesting for a little while , but eventually , it becomes headache-inducing . what this film needed is a second audio track to be played over the dialogue ( such as it is ) , with wainwright screaming at the audience , " see ? look at what i can do ! i'm an ex-cellent dir-ect-or . " maybe then he'd explain why he decided to start half of his scenes with slow-motion shots of water dripping in reverse , or why he included random superfluous shots as that of an egg frying ( ooh , scary ! ) . if there was some underlying meaning behind all this camera trickery , i didn't see it . just when you thought it was safe to get involved in the story , here comes a double-exposure shot of two patricia arquettes collapsing into bed for no reason whatsoever . arrrrrrrghhhh . . . then again , the superfluous camera trickery wouldn't bother me if " stigmata " had a story or characters that were remotely engaging . though wainwright's vanity certainly doesn't help , he does seem to have been given a nearly unworkable script . where are plot continuity and character development when you need them ? case in point : frankie page is the character that ( i assume ) we are supposed to identify and sympathize with , but we aren't given any back story on her character , or any reason to like her . the extent of her character development seems to be that she is a hard-working hairdresser ( who can somehow afford a cavernous apartment on the top floor of her building ) and she's kind of cute , so let's start the bleeding ! the fact that she's clearly not the brightest bulb in the drawer doesn't help , either . according to frankie page , what is the first thing to do after receiving mysterious wounds on your wrists and back ? go clubbing ! sure , that makes sense . arquette , byrne , and pryce give it the old college try , but their characters are so one-dimensional that they just appear to be sleepwalking . scenes between arquette and byrne that were probably supposed to be sexually charged fall almost embarrassingly flat , because the setup of the romantic subplot is so clumsily handled that it almost reaches the point of becoming laughable . even though frankie page's life is falling apart before her very eyes , she still finds the time to hit on a priest who wanders in to her hair salon . even more curiously , he seems to be interested in her advances . father andrew's religious doubt pops up so suddenly that it seems more silly than dramatic . as for pryce , he may as well wear a curled mustache and cackle , " i'll get you , my pretty , " for all the depth his cardinal houseman is afforded . trust me , i'm not revealing anything by telling you pryce turns out to be a villain . what's worse , after being faced with dull characters and the prospect of having annoying camera tricks and loud music jammed down our throats , we now have to contend with a story that starts off in one direction , veers off in another , then another , and ends up being totally incomprehensible . first of all , the film doesn't even bother to explain what should be very simple plot details . how does frankie get the stigmata merely by touching a rosary ? how come an atheist like her was chosen , since father andrew mentions that only very devout believers have ever received stigmata ? actually , i'm not sure what frankie was posessed by . supposedly , stigmata occurs when one is posessed by the holy spirit , but the film later has her being posessed by the dead priest , and later by some evil spirit ( i think ) . which one is it ? the answer to this question , of course , is very simple : the possessing entity in each scene is determined by whichever effects and flashy camera work mr . wainwright wants to use this time . furthermore , the ending is a ridiculously neat little wrap-up , and the filmmakers compound this problem by ultimately turning the film into a diatribe against the catholic church . if you do any research at all about the gospel of st . thomas , you'll find that it is not being suppressed by the church ( as the film seems to claim ) , but that it is readily available at your local library . there's nothing the catholics need to worry about , though . " stigmata's " religion is so off-base that it can't be confused for anything remotely resembling the real catholic church . if they wanted to portray catholic priests as mobsters , they should have gone all-out and equipped them with sharkskin suits and tommy guns , which would have been far more interesting . i'm not catholic ; in fact , i don 't care much for the catholic church , but its cartoonish misrepresentation in this film should not be considered realistic by any means . it's rare to see a film that fails on as many levels as " stigmata " does . it' s not thought-provoking , though it would like to be , and it is definitely not scary , though it pretends to be . i'm not sure why they tried to pass this off as a horror film , because there is absolutely nothing scary about the story . maybe it's an attempt to cover up the fact that none of the scenes have any dramatic weight whatsoever . the initial shock of seeing arquette covered with blood is dulled by the fact that it happens over , and over , and over . like so many films of the mtv generation , this one suffers from overkill . so much is overdone in " stigmata , " that it eventually has no effect on the audience , leaving us to pick out the film's ( many ) flaws . i'm also still trying to figure out why the quotation they take from the gospel of st . thomas is so earth-shattering . when we finally hear it , the saying sounds like something every five-year-old learns on their first day of sunday school , which means that for all its flash , the whole film is really much ado about nothing . the dog days of summer usually produce one monstrous dog , and " stigmata " is it . john boorman's " zardoz " is a goofy cinematic debacle so fundamentally misconceived and laughably executed that it takes on a bizarre enjoyment quality all its own . not since the rampant bumblings of one edward d . wood jr . has a movie been so silly and so serious at the same time . of course , wood's career can be explained by two things : he had no money and he had no talent . boorman , on the other hand , cannot court such excuses to explain " zardoz " ( or his follow-up film , the equally awful " exorcist ii : the heretic " ) . boorman obviously had a sizable budget , a matinee idol movie star ( sean connery ) in the lead role , and although you wouldn't know it from this film , boorman does indeed have talent . this is the man who made the slick modern masterpiece " deliverance " ( 1972 ) , as well as the autobiographical world war ii drama " hope and glory " ( 1987 ) , the slightly over-conceived arthurian epic " excalibur " ( 1981 ) and the father-son jungle adventure " the emerald forest " ( 1985 ) . his films all show that boorman is never lacking in imagination , but sometimes that comes at the cost of coherence and taste . if boorman is anything , he's ambitious , and when he succeeds , it's in grand fashion . unfortunately , the bigger they are , the harder they fall , and when boorman falls , the resounding impact can be heard for miles around . " zardoz " is meant to takes its place among the grandest of mystical movies , an obsession of boorman's . his screenplay tries to elicit the same mythological connotations of the arthurian legends or even " the wizard of oz , " a book which figures into the movie's plot . but , despite all this reaching , the resulting movie is more unintentionally funny than intentionally enigmatical or compelling . the events take place in the distant year 2293 , but there is little of the typical futuristic movie-ness to be found . in fact , things seems to have moved backwards , with people riding horses , shooting old-style guns , and living in large victorian mansions . it's more middle ages than space age . the world of " zardoz " is divided into two distinct hemispheres : the outlands , where all the poor , pathetic people live , and the vortex , where a select group of wealthy intellectuals live in comfort and everlasting life . these immortals never grow old , they never engage in sexual activity , they possess psychological powers , and they live in a sort of quasi-utopian marxist society where everyone is equal , and everyone contributes equally to the society . however , if one breaks the rules , that person is punished by being aged so many years . if someone breaks the rules enough , he or she is aged to the point of senility , and imprisoned to an eternal existence in a geriatric home with others aged criminals . one of the immortals , arthur frayn ( niall buggy ) , a squirmy man with a mustache and goatee tattooed on his face , is charged with keeping order in the outlands and forcing the residents to farm so the immortals can be fed . like " the wizard of oz , " he adopts a god-like status among the people by flying in to their part of the world in a giant stone carved like a menacing head . ( this flying head is one of the movie's opening images , and it's a dead giveaway of the lunacy to come . ) calling himself zardoz , frayn gathers a bunch of outlanders and makes them into a group called the exterminators , whose purpose is to kill most of the other outlanders so they can't procreate and take up more resources . from inside his giant , stone head , zardoz bellows seriously laugh-inducting statements like , " the gun is good . the penis is evil . " that line alone is worth the movie's cult following . one day , an exterminator named zed ( sean connery ) , sneaks into zardoz's flying stone , pushes frayn out , and goes back to the vortex . once there , the immortals label him a " brutal " and study him like a lab rat , taking great , perverse care in exploring his sexuality , which is a mystery to them . they seem especially interested in his ability to gain an erection , and there is one downright hilarious sequence where a bunch of scantily-clad female scientists show zed erotic footage on a video screen in an attempt to determine what gets him worked up . i say " hilarious " because that is exactly what " zardoz " is . it is obvious that boorman did not intend it to be so ; he made this film with the straightest of faces , although i have a hard time believing that as production moved forward , he didn't get even the slightest inkling of how patently ridiculous it was becoming . just looking at connery is enough to give one the giggles - he spends most of the film running around in a red loin cloth that resembles a diaper , a mane of hair braided halfway down his back , a wyatt earp-style handlebar mustache , and a pair of thigh-high patent leather boots that would look more appropriate on a cheap hollywood hooker . boorman made the film right after the critical and financial success of " deliverance , " which is the only reason i can imagine a studio would green-light this effort . he attracted some rich talent on both sides of the camera , including cinematographer geoffrey unsworth ( " 2001 " ) , whose striking visuals are about the only good thing in " zardoz " besides the inadvertent humor . sean connery had made his last james bond film in 1971 , and perhaps he was looking for a change in pace . he got exactly that in " zardoz , " and it's a wonder it didn't end his career . i'm sure boorman intended for this movie to make some grand statements . is it a treatise about the infallibility of eternal life ? is it a condemnation of those who consider growing old to be a bad thing ? or is it a social statement , something about the inherent negativity of class distinctions and the violence it creates ? karl marx might like it if he were more like timothy leary . come to think of it , maybe boorman made it as an extended lsd trip . people high on illicit substances are the only ones i can imagine enjoying this asinine silliness as anything more than a completely unintentional comedy . the kids in the hall are an acquired taste . it took at least a season of watching their show on hbo before i became a believer . maybe after watching a half dozen kids in the hall movies , they would grow into the big screen . my recommendation is that , unless you are a big fan of the kids , skip the film . as it is , their first--and most likely only--attempt at a full length film lacks the qualities that made their comedy work on tv . a big-budget and glossy production can not make up for a lack of spontaneity that permeates their tv show . the kids go through the motions , but you get the feeling that they arent really having fun doing so . and this makes it more difficult for the audience to enjoy their antics . brain candy is a bunch of skits tied together by the story of a pharmaceutical company that develops a new drug to cure depression . in typical sketch-comedy tradition , each actor plays several roles . doctor cooper ( kevin mcdonald ) and his team create the drug . then , under pressure from don roritor ( mark mckinney ) , founder and president of roritor pharmaceuticals , dr . cooper releases the drug into the marketplace . the ensuing distribution of the new happy pill throughout the populace drives the rest of the film . at about 90 minutes , brain candy still seems long . the best thing about sketch comedy--and the kids are no exception--is the ability to quickly deliver the laughs , then go on to another quick skit . but with the additional set-up necessary in telling a longer , coherent story , the laughs just dont come fast enough . strangely , the show is even more tame than it was when on cable tv . the movie makes several attempts at risqueness--mostly by pointing up the gayness of one of scott thompsons characters--but they seem almost forced ; as if they have to live up to a pg rating . one of the best bits , though , does make use of thompsons naked buttocks ; we see him charging into battle--going to have sex with some guys taking a shower . in the classic of this genre , monty python pulled off this delicate balancing act between plot advancement and punchline delivery for most of the holy grail . the kids , unfortunately , are not up to the task . there are some amusing moments , to be sure , but not enough to make the experience an enjoyable one . there was a time when john carpenter was a great horror director . of course , his best film was 1978's masterpiece , " halloween , " but he also made 1980's " the fog , " and 1987's underrated , " prince of darkness . " heck , he even made a good film in 1995 , with " in the mouth of madness . " but something terribly wrong happened to him in 1992 , with the terrible comedy , " memoirs of an invisible man . " somehow , carpenter has lost his touch , with junk like his failed 1995 remake of , " village of the damned , " to his uninspired 1996 sequel , " escape from l . a . " those movies , however , look like cinematic works of art compared to his latest film , " john carpenter's vampires . " if i was him , i definately wouldn't want to put my own name in the title . it is a sad state of affairs when carpenter can make something as misguided and flatly written and filmed as , " vampires . " the story is simple . jack crow ( james woods ) is a vampire hunter who , along with one of his partners , montoya ( daniel baldwin ) , and a prostitute , katrina ( sheryl lee ) , survives an attack from the master vampire , valek ( thomas ian griffith ) . since katrina was previously bitten by him , crow takes her along because anyone who is bitten by valek becomes telepathically linked to him until they themselves turn into vampires a couple days later , and crow is hoping to find him with the help of her . it seems valek's mission is to steal a black , wooden cross from a roman catholic church that will enable him to become so powerful that sunlight will not destroy him . my question is : how many time have we seen this same story played out ? well , the answer is just about as many times as a better version of the story has been made . " john carpenter's vampires , " sadly enough , is one of the most unscary horror films i've ever seen . in fact , there isn't even one suspenseful moment in the whole 105-minute running time . the non-stop vampire attack sequences are stylelessly filmed , without any interesting camera work , which is usually a trademark of carpenter's . and then we come to the screenplay , which , as far as i can tell , is nearly non-existent . there is no story development , and there isn't even an attempt to flesh out the characters . james woods can be a good actor , but he has nothing to do here but to say a couple of " pseudo " -clever lines of dialogue . daniel baldwin has some potential , but his character comes off as being very dense . and sheryl lee ( faring much better as laura palmer in " twin peaks " ) , like all of the female characters , plays an offensive stereotypical whore . there is not an ounce of intelligence , or excitement in , " john carpenter's vamires , " which is very disheartening coming from an ex-fan of carpenter's . he has said that he turned down directing , " halloween : h20 , " because he couldn't work up any excitement for it . and yet , when asked about a " vampires " sequel , he said he would be happy to do it . i think that's a definite sign that carpenter has finally lost any trace of his lasting talent , not to mention a significant number of iq points . two party guys bob their heads to haddaway's dance hit " what is love ? " while getting themselves into trouble in nightclub after nightclub . it's barely enough to sustain a three-minute _saturday_night_live_ skit , but _snl_ producer lorne michaels , _clueless_ creator amy heckerling , and paramount pictures saw something in the late night television institution's recurring " roxbury guys " sketch that would presumably make a good feature . emphasis on the word " presumably . " _a_night_at_the_roxbury_ takes an already-thin concept and tediously stretches it far beyond the breaking point--and that of viewers' patience levels . the first five minutes or so of _roxbury_ play very much like one of the original " roxbury guys " skits . with " what is love ? " blaring on the soundtrack , the brotherly duo of doug and steve butabi ( chris kattan and will ferrell ) bob their heads , scope out " hotties " at clubs , and then bump a select few with violent pelvic thrusts . there is one crucial difference , however--these guys speak . that little fact has been used as justification for the film's existence , that the butabis' newfound capacity for speech would open up a whole new set of doors for the characters . the doors opened by director john fortenberry and screenwriters steve koren , ferrell , and kattan are new , that's for sure , but they all lead to comic dead ends . there is no story per se , only a loosely structured and linked series of subplots . the brothers literally run into ( or , rather , get run into , as in by car ) richard grieco of _21_jump_street_ fame , and through him they gain entrance into the exclusive roxbury club . there , they meet a hotshot club owner ( chazz palminteri , conspicuously uncredited--can you blame him ? ) , who takes an interest in an idea of theirs . meanwhile , the bros' overbearing father ( dan hedaya ) wants them to stop clubbing . when doug refuses and the dimwitted steve obeys his father , a rift is created between the two . the narrative messiness of _roxbury_ would have been forgivable if all that went on were the slightest bit funny , but virtually none of it is . the assembled press audience mostly sat stonily silent throughout the entire film , with the one big exception being a big laugh near the end . alas , the joke--a rather lazy takeoff on _jerry_maguire_--will only strike a chord with people who have seen that film . granted , a lot of people _have_ seen _jerry_maguire_ , but the fact that the film's best joke is completely dependent on one's familiarity with another film says a lot about _roxbury_'s lack of inspiration . that lack of inspiration can be traced back to the insipid characters themselves . like too many of the skits on the current incarnation of _saturday_night_live_ , " the roxbury guys " is a one-joke sketch that never once suggests that the characters have enough comic life in them to survive outside of the sketch context . after watching one of the " roxbury " skits on snl , this is what you come away with from the characters : they bob their heads to " what is love ? " , bump unsuspecting women , and . . . that's all . after watching _a_night_at_the_roxbury_ , you'll be left with exactly the same .