I. Always work 30 years in the future.

• That way no one can prove you wrong before retirement.

II. Always start with a clean slate.

• Why be encumbered by past successes?

III. Remember that publishing papers is the end of research and technology transfer.

• If people don't have time to read your papers, their loss.

IV. Always remember that you are smarter than people in industry.

• You balance research with teaching a few classes, while they only make systems with multi-million-transistor chips.

V. Never give talks in industry.

• They might make you wear a badge.

VI. Never hold industrial affiliates meetings or get feedback from industry on your research agenda.

• Industrial people know little about real computer architecture.

VII. Never allow your students to do internships in industry (or, even worse, take a sabbatical there).

• Industrial people might get to know your students and corrupt them (or corrupt you!).

VIII. Never consult for industry.

• One might spend time on problems people care about.

IX. Protect your intellectual property by not telling industry (or anyone else) what you are doing until patents are filed.

• Lawyers are more fun than your computer architecture colleagues.

X. When meeting industrial people, just ask for money and don't waste time building long-term relationships.

• Relationships are for people in the humanities.

Acknowledgments

Thanks to David Patterson and David Wood for useful comments.

I originally presented this material in Madrid, Spain, at a High-Performance Computer Architecture (HPCA) 2004 panel Bridging the Research Gap between Academia and Industry, organized by Mazin S. Yousif. Online press coverage (misleading and then corrected):

• The Inquirer, 17 February, 2004
• The Inquirer, 20 February, 2004

This document's style and some substance follows from:

1. David Patterson, How to Give a Bad Talk, circa 1983. Included in Mark Hill, Oral Presentation Advice, 1992, revised 1997.
2. Mark Hill and David Wood, Conference Etiquette, 1997.
3. David Patterson, How to Have a Bad Career in Research/Academia, 1998.