Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008)

It hurts me, physically, to say I disliked Star Wars: The Clone Wars. I may not like to think it, but I have always been a Star Wars fanboy, right from the moment I first lay eyes on Return of the Jedi. I was never a huge fan of the TV series, but it did not seem too bad when I did see it. Apparently, I should have been looking closer.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars as anyone could guess, follows Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi during their stints as "army generals" during the infamous Clone Wars. In the film, Skywalker (voiced by Matt Lanter) is given a Padawan learner, the feisty Ahsoka Tano (voiced by Ashley Eckstein), and given the mission of rescuing Jabba the Hutt's son. He has been kidnapped, and in exchange for his safe return, Jabba will aid the Republic during the war. But obviously, the job will not be that easy.

Saying Star Wars: The Clone Wars mocks the very fabrics of the Star Wars franchise does not even begin to explain how horrendous this movie is. Take just about everything you could have disliked about the new trilogy (and even things you may have from the original trilogy), and it probably will not even come close to the destructive nature George Lucas have brought us with this film (and subsequent new series).

For one thing, it seems that the casual one-liners of the series have been amped up to being used every other sentence. All this new Ahsoka character brings to the table, other than a lightsaber-sized gash through the heart of continuity, are giggling one-liners. She even has a nickname for Skywalker that she proceeds to use every time she is not calling him Master (and for an even more inexplicable reason, he has one for her). And then she has a name for R2-D2 and Jabba's son as well ('Stinky', which seems to be the only name he is ever really referred to as). I realize that Star Wars was never one for being perfect with their dialogue, but save for Jar Jar Binks (who does not make any appearances in the film), I do not think I have ever been more annoyed by any character more than this one. It is like the writers (who surprisingly are not Lucas) did away with anything we have learned about Jedis, and gave us this irritating wise-ass. Sure there was a cuteness to her character, but she loses that after about five minutes of screen time.

Even worse, the Battle Droids just seem to be here for comic relief. I was always under the belief they just spoke their directives. But somehow, someway, they actually talk to each other, and say the most ridiculous things to each other. Oh yeah, they may be funny for a six-year-old, but for anyone else, they are absolutely agonizing. At one point, one says "Shut up!" to another one, and you can almost hear the sound millions of fanboys make when a piece of their childhood has withered away and died. And if neither the Padawan or the Droids do it, then surely Ziro the Hutt (voiced by Corey Burton), Jabba's uncle will. Remember John Waters' friend and muse, Divine? Ziro is nearly the splitting image (albeit, an obese and disgusting slug).

The story is also an issue here. It is just, not strong enough to sustain a film. It does not necessarily feel like a three-part arc of the TV show (although the bizarre opening "crawl" read off by a Saturday morning announcer sure does not help that ideal), but it also does not feel like a completely well thought out film either. Sure, it has the political intrigue about Jabba's son's kidnapping, but this is supposed to be a Clone Wars movie. People come to see the Clone Wars. So why is all the meaty story elements being pumped into a throwaway story about a baby slug the main characters keep referring to as 'Stinky'? It just screams bad story writing, and essentially, makes the film need to stand beside the show, instead of as its own separate movie. I can only hope that it will fit in better there, as opposed to needing to stand beside the theatrical films here.

I will say, for all of its continuity ruining, terrible one-liners, silly storyline, and lack of John Williams themed music (I could not believe it either), there are some very well animated action sequences. In some cases, whether I like to admit it or not, some of the scenes look spot-on with the look of Attack of the Clones or Revenge of the Sith, even to the point of the Battle Droids and Clone Troopers looking nearly perfect to their real life incarnations. Yes, the human characters look a little weird (especially anyone with hair, or a beard), but everything else looks very good, and very close to what they did in the movies. The animation here is not as exquisitely detailed as the likes of a Pixar movie, but it never aims to imitate them. As well, even though the likes of Hayden Christensen and Ewan McGregor are not doing voice work in the film, the voice actors have made a genuine attempt to have their voices sound similar. The result is much more astounding than I could have imagined, and almost made me forget they were not the real thing.

In the end, Star Wars: The Clone Wars is a kids movie, or at least, can be appreciated by children. It has the whiz-bang battles of a Star Wars movie, but the humour and ADD-infused dialogue that they can appreciate from the cartoons they watch on Saturday morning. If you are not a child however, it may just ruin any childhood memory you had of this once legendary series.

2.5/10.