Pulse (I) (2006)

Here's another in a long, long line of predictable horror movies aimed at teens.

Like so many tired teen horror films before it, we get a semi-interesting premise that is never given the chance to take off the ground. We get a tried-and-beaten-to-the-ground formula that's becoming nearly a parody of itself. "Pulse" has the laziest of horror film ambitions: an endless series of characters making slow, deliberate walks to some sort of random objective (in this movie, it is usually a computer screen) with the steadily rising score beneath their paces. And then, the orchestra crashes, the sound effects are blasted at dangerously high levels, and something (ghost, corpse, animal, landlady, Dick Cheney, etc.) bursts out at the character. Over and over and over. If the characters aren't doing that, they are setting up an opportunity to do so. Again and again and again. Such payoffs are not payoffs. They are sudden, very loud noises that explode suddenly after rising, slightly-softer noise.

It's tough to tell whether the director is a cookie-cutter hack emulating everything that's been released in the last five years, or if he is just being ordered by the studio to emulate everything that's been released in the last five years. Either way, "Pulse" is a dreary movie with nothing to say and little thrills to share. Mostly, it's a take-off of "The Ring"...we get the always-overcast urban setting. A Naomi Watts look-alike as our lead. A lonely piano hits nearly the same keys as the above-mentioned film. And we get the quick cuts of single scenes. Instead of the mysterious video used in "The Ring", we get equally mysterious images in computer screens. At times, it has the disorienting sensation of watching a film student's class project titled "How To Make Creepy Images Like What Was Used In That Video In The Ring".

Throughout the movie, characters go through the motions as if they've just been locked in a room watching a marathon of awful teen horror films. They laugh, they grieve, they act confused, they act scared, they act concerned, blah, blah, blah.

A plot summary for those interested: an internet virus is rapidly spreading across a college campus. Basically, ghostly images appear on your computer screen, and then at some point in the near future, a ghostly image will sneak up on you and take what appears to be your soul. Thus, you are left very sad to the point of being despondent. After that, you off yourself. Or you just spontaneously combust into ash. Either way.

The better looking of our leads manage to doge the virus, unlike literally the rest of civilization, despite the fact that they are more immersed in the virus than anyone else. Funny how that works. Whether or not they succeed in stopping this ghost virus (if you're the screenwriter there's no need to explain anything beyond "ghost virus" when all you're writing are set-ups for characters to peek slowly into things) is for you to find out. If you choose to find out, God bless you. Please keep in mind that it is a real bitch getting your ticket refunded at the average multiplex.