How to cook rice

In response to concerns that we skirt the controversial issues of our day, we at Brenton's Web Page have decided to feature a variety of opinions on how rice should be cooked. As of right now we don't have enough opinions to fill out the week, so readers are encouraged to send their opinions to rice-survey@brentonswebpage.com so the real author, bdwalker@students.wisc.edu, won't be bothered with them while he invents silly ways to cook rice and phony people to attribute them to.

The editorial board of Brenton's Web Page wishes to express their commitment to impartial reporting on this hot-button issue, and wants to make clear that as far as they are concerned there is no right or wrong way to cook rice. Some people just seem to enjoy breaking their teeth on crunchy undercooked rice grains, or scrubbing burnt rice off of ruined pots.

Date	How rice is done
Sunday June 20, 1999	According to Brenton the key to cooking rice is having rice, water, a pan, and a heat source. Those requirements being satisfied, the proper procedure involves measuring out the correct amount of water 1/4 cup at a time, then putting some random amount of extra water in (the pot), just in case. Once the water is boiling, the rice should be measured out and added 1/4 cup at a time. Then some extra rice should be sprinkled into the pot to take care of that extra water. Before you cover the rice you should give it a stir with the a big spoon. Then you turn the heat down to low and cover the pot. After you cover the pot you should leave it covered. You should know ahead of time how long it's going to take the rice to cook and start a timer. The only acceptable excuses for uncovering the rice before it's done are 1) Rice is boiling over 2) Think rice might not be boiling 3) Being a dumb-ass and not knowing how to cook rice. When the timer indicates that the rice is done you should turn off the stove and possibly move the pot off the hot burner. You usually let the rice sit for about five minutes before uncovering the pot. After about five minutes, uncover the pot and make sure the rice is done. If it's not done right, slap yourself and start over. Rice cooked correctly is neither too dry, nor too wet, and isn't undercooked and crunchy. Furthermore it doesn't smell like burnt rice. If the rice is cooked correctly then it's time to receive a message from the aliens. Use your large spoon to gently fluff the rice. Then dump your huge pot of rice (rice is cooked in huge pots) onto a large plate (don't worry about spilling, just make sure most of it ends up on the plate) and using your hands, bare feet, and a fork sculpt the large rice-mound into a shape resembling a deformed Devil's Tower. The fork should be used to add the jagged sides. This is the message from the aliens. Once you have the message from the aliens you should climb your deformed rice-tower. Place the rice tower on the floor and let it cool a bit while you gather the necessary climbing equipment. To climb the rice tower you will need diving goggles, a snorkel, a decent Frisbee, and flippers for your feet. Put the goggles, flippers, and snorkel on as indicated in their respective instructions. Then move a chair, table, or some other object you can stand on about 3 feet away from the rice. Stand on the table (or chair), hold the Frisbee in one hand and look at the rice tower. Is it about three feet away? ...Good. Jump up off the table and kick your legs out in front of you. Point your toes up and hold the Frisbee under your butt (concave side up (except on Thursdays)). You should plan your jump so that the Frisbee lands right in the center of the rice-tower. (Warning: whether or not you hit the rice tower you're almost certain to permanently injure your back by doing this. If you value your physical well-being, then maybe you're just not cut out to cook rice). Have someone take your picture while you're in mid-air. Get the picture developed. Send me a copy. Enjoy.
Tuesday June 22, 1999	My roommate, Kevin, Doesn't time his rice. He just checks it and stirs it. Of course this is all wrong. First of all, you have to hang around and watch the rice. Second, you have to take off the lid to check it, which is bad. Stirring it doesn't help either. The other day Kevin started telling me that there are certain rules you have to follow regarding when you can check the rice, but he's accomodating. His rice cooking method is wrong and he knows it.
Wednesday June 23, 1999	When I was younger I had a friend named Nick and one time his mom was telling us how making rice was a pain because you had to clean up the microwave afterwards. I guess she would put everything in the microwave and cook it there, but it would always boil over. I asked why she didn't just cook it on the stove and turn the heat a little lower. She answered that the stove was even more of a pain to clean up. I guess that was just her way of cooking rice - adding a bunch of rice and water and letting it boil all over the place until it was done. She may have been kidding, though.

Date

How rice is done

Sunday June 20, 1999

According to Brenton the key to cooking rice is having rice, water, a pan, and a heat source. Those requirements being satisfied, the proper procedure involves measuring out the correct amount of water 1/4 cup at a time, then putting some random amount of extra water in (the pot), just in case. Once the water is boiling, the rice should be measured out and added 1/4 cup at a time. Then some extra rice should be sprinkled into the pot to take care of that extra water. Before you cover the rice you should give it a stir with the a big spoon. Then you turn the heat down to low and cover the pot.

After you cover the pot you should leave it covered. You should know ahead of time how long it's going to take the rice to cook and start a timer. The only acceptable excuses for uncovering the rice before it's done are 1) Rice is boiling over 2) Think rice might not be boiling 3) Being a dumb-ass and not knowing how to cook rice.

When the timer indicates that the rice is done you should turn off the stove and possibly move the pot off the hot burner. You usually let the rice sit for about five minutes before uncovering the pot. After about five minutes, uncover the pot and make sure the rice is done. If it's not done right, slap yourself and start over. Rice cooked correctly is neither too dry, nor too wet, and isn't undercooked and crunchy. Furthermore it doesn't smell like burnt rice.

If the rice is cooked correctly then it's time to receive a message from the aliens. Use your large spoon to gently fluff the rice. Then dump your huge pot of rice (rice is cooked in huge pots) onto a large plate (don't worry about spilling, just make sure most of it ends up on the plate) and using your hands, bare feet, and a fork sculpt the large rice-mound into a shape resembling a deformed Devil's Tower. The fork should be used to add the jagged sides. This is the message from the aliens. Once you have the message from the aliens you should climb your deformed rice-tower.

Place the rice tower on the floor and let it cool a bit while you gather the necessary climbing equipment. To climb the rice tower you will need diving goggles, a snorkel, a decent Frisbee, and flippers for your feet. Put the goggles, flippers, and snorkel on as indicated in their respective instructions. Then move a chair, table, or some other object you can stand on about 3 feet away from the rice. Stand on the table (or chair), hold the Frisbee in one hand and look at the rice tower. Is it about three feet away? ...Good.

Jump up off the table and kick your legs out in front of you. Point your toes up and hold the Frisbee under your butt (concave side up (except on Thursdays)). You should plan your jump so that the Frisbee lands right in the center of the rice-tower. (Warning: whether or not you hit the rice tower you're almost certain to permanently injure your back by doing this. If you value your physical well-being, then maybe you're just not cut out to cook rice). Have someone take your picture while you're in mid-air. Get the picture developed. Send me a copy.

Enjoy.

Tuesday June 22, 1999

My roommate, Kevin, Doesn't time his rice. He just checks it and stirs it. Of course this is all wrong. First of all, you have to hang around and watch the rice. Second, you have to take off the lid to check it, which is bad. Stirring it doesn't help either.

The other day Kevin started telling me that there are certain rules you have to follow regarding when you can check the rice, but he's accomodating. His rice cooking method is wrong and he knows it.

Wednesday June 23, 1999

When I was younger I had a friend named Nick and one time his mom was telling us how making rice was a pain because you had to clean up the microwave afterwards. I guess she would put everything in the microwave and cook it there, but it would always boil over. I asked why she didn't just cook it on the stove and turn the heat a little lower. She answered that the stove was even more of a pain to clean up. I guess that was just her way of cooking rice - adding a bunch of rice and water and letting it boil all over the place until it was done. She may have been kidding, though.