Bitter. That's how I feel, just bitter. Like biting into a sour lemon. Like getting a test back when you studied for hours and what you see when you get it back is a big fat D at the top of the page. Or a C, even, which makes it worse since you can't argue. Hey, at least you did better than half the class. Bloody hell. I've asserted this before, so bear with me because I'm about to do it all again. I can diagnose it instantly as the Christmas morning syndrome, even though I'm not Christian and never been in a house on Christmas morning that didn't have a mezuzzah on the door.
But it's the same feeling, trust me. The same goddamned feeling. Where you look, and you're surrounded by an orgy of light and food and colors and presents and joy, and you say "I'm not happy." And then you sit and think about starving children in Rwanda or wherever the hell the media has picked to be loser-land of the month, and you force a grin, and pretty soon that grin wriggles its way into your brain and wraps its slimy little tentacles around your neurons and says "Ok, boys. We're fucking happy now, and don't you forget it." And then you're happy. Whee.
But I'm not there yet. There's no grin on *my* face. So fuck this. And don't think I can't deconstruct myself. Boys, I can take myself apart into individual *memes* and slap them back together again. That's what sort of deconstruction I can do. Funny how that word is so close to "destruction," don't you agree? Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Ok, so it's not funny. I don't care.
I've said this all before. And said it better. But, that's not too unusual, is it? I'm all burnt out now, you see. When I deconstruct myself, I see all the empty space on the inside. I try and keep it hidden, most of the time, but it's there. It can't rattle around inside me, which is a blessing. But .. and then.
Oh, and then.
We can all ask for sudden transformation and not receive it. As I've said, I'm not a Christian. So it's strange how Christianity has become synonymous with certain metaphors and modes to such an extent that they can't be used in a non-Christian context. Like personal transformation.
It slips away easily because you can't touch heaven for more than an instant. But the memory of that contact lingers like the sound of a gong. Reverberates, you might say. Anyway .. I'm losing it again, but I did have it for an instant, didn't I? I did feel it, didn't I? I do exist .. don't I?
I'm not sure what I want anymore. Things are changing so fast even without me noticing. And I am changing too, even without me noticing. Even my self is beyond my control. As someone who has trouble driving a car because I can be such a control freak, this is rather .. worrisome. But we'll see what I can do.