i tried sniffing coke once , but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose . 
all generalizations are false , including this one . 
sex is like air ; it 's not important unless you are n't getting any . 
eagles may soar , but weasels do n't get sucked into jet engines . 
c program run. c program crash. c programmer quit . 
atheism is a non-prophet organization . 
irs : we 've got what it takes to take what you 've got . 
you 're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you ! 
success always occurs in private and failure in full view . 
oh lord , give me patience , and give it to me now ! 
suicidal twin kills sister by mistake ! 
some drink at the fountain of knowledge. others just gargle . 
for every action there is an equal and opposite criticism . 
ever stop to think , and forget to start again ? 
my hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom . 
a day without sunshine is like , night . 
never do card tricks for the group you play poker with . 
to succeed in politics , it is often necessary to rise above your principles . 
hard work has a future payoff. laziness pays off now . 
borrow money from a pessimist , they do n't expect it back . 
laughing stock : cattle with a sense of humor . 
chocolate : the other major food group . 
multitasking means screwing up several things at once . 
few women admit their age. few men act theirs . 
all men are idiots , and i married their king . 
a flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries . 
a clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer . 
good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment . 
pentiums melt in your pc , not in your hand . 
i would n't be caught dead with a necrophiliac . 
monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life . 
if you get to it and you ca n't do it , well there you jolly well are , are n't you . 
the shortest distance between two points is under construction . 
the more you complain , the longer god makes you live . 
do n't take life too seriously , you wo n't get out alive . 
forget world peace. visualize using your turn signal . 
it may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others . 
i took an iq test and the results were negative . 
if ignorance is bliss , you must be orgasmic . 
if you lend someone $ 20 , and never see that person again ; it was probably worth it . 
i need someone really bad. are you really bad ? 
your gene pool could use a little chlorine . 
your kid may be an honors student , but you 're still an idiot . 
duct tape is like the force , it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together . 
some days you are the bug , some days you are the windshield . 
experience is what you get when you did n't get what you wanted . 
i am not a vegetarian because i love animals. i am a vegetarian because i hate plants . 
my mind is like a steel trap , rusty and illegal in 37 states . 
i get enough exercise just pushing my luck . 
if you think nobody cares if you 're alive , try missing a couple of car payments . 
diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick . 
he who laughs last thinks slowest . 
consciousness : that annoying time between naps . 
assassins do it from behind . 
a closed mouth gathers no foot . 
love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener . 
okay , who put a stop payment on my reality check ? 
i 'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar . 
there 's too much blood in my caffeine system . 
criminal lawyer is a redundancy . 
no one is listening until you make a mistake . 
why is abbreviation such a long word ? 
things are more like they are now than they ever were before . 
corduroy pillows : they 're making headlines ! 
it is as bad as you think , and they are out to get you . 
time is the best teacher ; unfortunately it kills all of its students . 
it 's always darkest before dawn. so if you 're going to steal the neighbor 's newspaper , that 's the time to do it . 
lottery : a tax on people who are bad at math . 
do n't piss me off ! i 'm running out of places to hide the bodies . 
who stopped payment on my reality check ? 
the sooner you fall behind the more time you 'll have to catch up . 
when you do n't know what you are doing , do it neatly . 
the quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket . 
how does teflon stick to the pan ? 
there are 3 kinds of people : those who can count & those who ca n't . 
timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance . 
join the army , meet interesting people , and kill them . 
friends may come and go , but enemies tend to accumulate . 
women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition . 
i 'm writing a book. i 've got the page numbers done . 
if you can read this , i can slam on my brakes and sue you ! 
do n't drink and drive. you might hit a bump and spill your drink . 
i used to have a handle on life , and then it broke . 
if at first you do n't succeed , skydiving is not for you . 
before you criticize someone , you should walk a mile in their shoes. that way , when you criticize them , you 're a mile away and you have their shoes . 
bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks 
never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups . 
how many of you believe in telekinesis ? raise my hand . 
montana : at least our cows are sane ! 
warning : dates in calendar are closer than they appear . 
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot . 
how do you tell when you run out of invisible ink ? 
never mess up an apology with an excuse . 
honk if you want to see my finger . 
i used to be indecisive. now i 'm not sure . 
smile , it 's the second best thing you can do with your lips . 
i wo n't rise to the occasion , but i 'll slide over to it . 
ever notice how fast windows runs ? neither did i . 
on the other hand , you have different fingers . 
you can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word . 
better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot . 
the problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard . 
jesus loves you , but everyone else thinks you 're an asshole . 
reality is a crutch for people who ca n't handle drugs . 
what happens if you get scared half to death twice ? 
always try to be modest and be proud of it ! 
why do psychics have to ask you for your name ? 
out of my mind. back in five minutes . 
pride is what we have. vanity is what others have . 
what is a free gift ? are n't all gifts free ? 
i used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out . 
get a new car for your spouse ; it 'll be a great trade ! 
the journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire . 
give me ambiguity or give me something else . 
i do n't suffer from insanity. i enjoy every minute of it . 
it is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help . 
never test the depth of the water with both feet . 
support bacteria , they 're the only culture some people have . 
there are two theories to arguing with women. neither one works . 
plan to be spontaneous , tomorrow . 
double your drive space. delete windows ! 
the universe is a figment of its own imagination. there 's no future in time travel . 
the only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes . 
auntie em , hate you , hate kansas , taking the dog. dorothy . 
if barbie is so popular , why do you have to buy her friends ? 
did anyone see my lost carrier ? 
do not walk behind me , for i may not lead. do not walk ahead of me , for i may not follow. do not walk beside me , either. just leave me alone . 
i feel like i 'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe . 
we were born naked , wet and hungry. then things got worse . 
i did n't say it was your fault. i said i was going to blame you . 
do n't be irreplaceable ; if you ca n't be replaced , you ca n't be promoted . 
could you drive any better if i shoved that cell phone up your ass ? 
a bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory . 
for sale : parachute. only used once , never opened , small stain . 
what 's the speed of dark ? 
a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory . 
quantum mechanics : the dreams stuff is made of . 
quickly , i must hurry , for there go my people and i am their leader . 
be nice to your kids. they 'll choose your nursing home . 
you have the right to remain silent. anything you say will be misquoted then used against you . 
the severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it . 
generally speaking , you are n't learning much when your mouth is moving . 
save the whales. collect the whole set 
if at first you do n't succeed , destroy all evidence that you tried . 
if you have n't much education you must use your brain . 
time is what keeps everything from happening at once . 
the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette . 
i poured spot remover on my dog. now he 's gone . 
the bermuda triangle got tired of warm weather. it moved to finland. now santa claus is missing . 
you are depriving some poor village of its idiot . 
beauty is in the eye of the beer holder . 
save your breath. you 'll need it to blow up your date ! 
the hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread . 
beer : it 's not just for breakfast anymore . 
honk if you love peace and quiet . 
give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. teach him how to fish , and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day . 
some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them . 
remember half the people you know are below average . 
always remember you 're unique , just like everyone else . 
anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of . 
i 'm not a complete idiot , some parts are missing ! 
the early bird may get the worm , but the second mouse gets the cheese . 
artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity . 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name . 
puritanism : the haunting fear that someone , somewhere may be happy . 
very funny scotty , now beam down my clothes . 
the colder the x-ray table , the more of your body is required on it . 
why is n't phonetic spelled the way it sounds ? 
wanted : meaningful overnight relationship . 
never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut . 
change is inevitable , except from a vending machine . 
genius does what it must , talent does what it can , and you had best do what you 're told . 
it 's lonely at the top , but you eat better . 
to steal ideas from one person is plagiarism ; to steal from many is research . 
when there 's a will , i want to be in it . 
shin : a device for finding furniture in the dark . 
daddy , why does n't this magnet pick up this floppy disk ? 
error , no keyboard. press f1 to continue . 
wear short sleeves ! support your right to bare arms ! 
we have enough youth , how about a fountain of smart ? 
despite the cost of living , have you noticed how popular it remains ? 
oops. my brain just hit a bad sector . 
never miss a good chance to shut up . 
if you ca n't convince them , confuse them . 
everyone has a photographic memory. some do n't have film . 
i could n't repair your brakes , so i made your horn louder . 
energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery . 
make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot . 
experience is something you do n't get until just after you need it . 
a diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip . 
a conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking . 
learn from your parents ' mistakes : use birth control . 
when everything 's coming your way , you 're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way . 
i just got lost in thought. it was unfamiliar territory . 
if you tell the truth you do n't have to remember anything . 
keep honking. i 'm reloading . 
who is general failure and why is he reading my hard disk ? 
boycott shampoo ! demand the real poo ! 
death is hereditary . 
jack kevorkian for white house physician .