The Transformers: The Movie (1986)

I'm biased. There's no two ways about it. They could have gotten two six years olds to draw the cels, a troop of monkeys to write the dialogue and then printed the film upside down and full of static and I'd still have loved it (if anybody out there says 'Didn't they do that anyway?', I'll thump them.) I am one of a dying but suprisingly populous breed: the Tranformers fan, and to me this film is like the Holy grail.

If you think I'm going to get all gooey and teary-eyed then go into nostalgia overload then forget it because I'm not. I say this with a straight face and a critic's eyes: this is a good film. It may be a two hour toy commercial. It may have made zip at the box offce. It may get bad press from idiotic fossils that just aren't prepared to make the effort to tap into the universe the film is set in. But the fact remains that to anybody that's grown up with Transformers, this film is marvelous. Why? Because it does it right! The characters act right. The style is right. It's all done so perfectly that no right minded Transfan could possibly complain. How many Batman fans (and I mean real Batman fans) can honestly say the same thing about their film franchise.

It's easy to get preachy about the violence in a film aimed at kids. It gives the moral majority something to do other than examine each Disney film for subliminal messages. I found it refreshing to actually see this kind of film refuse to pull its punches. It's an action film without tapping into the over-sentimental gushy stuff that usually turns kids off anyway. This is a war. Death and violence are part of it. Will it effect the children that watch it. Maybe, but I don't know which way. I saw first saw the film when I was 7. I saw all of my favourites get blown apart. I saw my absolute, total, complete and utter hero, the person that personified all that was good and noble to me (you know who I mean) get killed saving his friends in an ultimate display of bravery and courage. I cried. My mum cried. I still do. I think that one moment made me more afraid and ashamed of death and destruction than a dozen Private Ryans.

The animation is top notch, there's an amazing soundtrack and the voice talent is good too. Not perfect, but Nimoy's portrayal of Galvatron is incredible. Espicially when you consider that it was probably done as a 'For the money not the art' job. The script isn't bad either. It has a host of sharp, quotable one-liners that would put Bruce Willis to shame ("I've got better things to do tonight than die.") The story is a rip off of Star Wars but what isn't and who cares? It's cool. The animation is superb. I said that earlier but I really do believe that it's better than Disney at some points. Certainly better than the average output at the time. It doesn't compare with today's graphics but it hasn't aged badly at all. The sountrack can sound a little too cheesy at times but the energy and verve of the film is there and it backs up the visuals with ease.

In the end it won't matter. This film won't mean a thing to anybody that doesn't know who Jazz, Bumblebee and Soundwave were to begin with. They won't watch it. They won't like it. And you know what? We don't care. Those of us that can name all five mebers of the Stunticons know better. They gave us what we wanted. And we remain eternally grateful.