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MARRIAGE_SHOCK (fwd)
Forwarded from VOA.
Vinh
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NUMBER=3-27179
TITLE=MARRIAGE SHOCK
BYLINE=ZLATICA HOKE
TELEPHONE=619-0935
DATELINE=WASHINGTON
EDITOR=NANCY SMART
CONTENT=(INSERTS AVAILABLE FROM SOD)
INTRO: NINETY PERCENT OF ALL AMERICAN WOMEN WILL MARRY AT LEAST
ONCE BEFORE THE AGE OF FORTY-NINE. BUT STATISTICS SHOW
THAT MEN THRIVE IN MARRIAGE WHILE MOST WOMEN DON'T. IT
SHOULDN'T COME AS A SURPRISE THEN THAT WIVES ARE
INITIATING TWO THIRDS OF ALL DIVORCES IN THIS COUNTRY.
ZLATICA HOKE REPORTS THAT THE NEW BOOK "MARRIAGE SHOCK"
BLAMES NOT MEN, BUT THE INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE FOR SUCH
A STATE OF AFFAIRS.
TEXT: MOST WOMEN ENTER MARRIAGE EXPECTING TO BE HAPPIER THAN
BEFORE. AFTER ALL, LIVING WITH THE PERSON THEY LOVE
PROMISES THE END OF LONELINESS, SANCTIFIED SEX AND, IN
SOME CASES, FINANCIAL SECURITY. BUT ONCE THEY ENTER
HOLY MATRIMONY, WOMEN OFTEN ASK THEMSELVES IF THIS IS
WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED.
TAPE CUT ONE MONTAGE MARRIED WOMEN :31
"ONE: I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF IT (MARRIAGE) AS A
CONTINUATION OF THE DATING SCENE WITH ONE PERSON FOR THE
REST OF MY LIFE. TWO: I REALLY DIDN'T DEVELOP ANYTHING
OF MYSELF AND I DID LOSE MYSELF IN MY HUSBAND AND MY
CHILDREN. I BECAME KNOWN AS JOHN'S MOTHER OR LEON'S
WIFE, BUT NEVER DOLORES. THREE: I LOOK AT MY MOTHER
AND I SAY, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?' EVERYTHING SHE DOES IS
DESIGNED TO MAKE MY FATHER'S LIFE A LITTLE BIT MORE
CONFORTABLE."
TEXT: AUTHOR DALMA HEYN SPENT THE PAST DECADE STUDYING WOMEN
AND THEIR RELATIONSHIPS. IN HER NEW BOOK "MARRIAGE
SHOCK: THE TRANSFORMATION OF WOMEN INTO WIVES" SHE
EXAMINES WHY SO MANY WOMEN EXPERIENCE A SENSE OF LOSS
AND DISAPPOINTMENT WHEN THEY FIRST GET MARRIED. DALMA
HEYN SAYS JUDGING BY STATISTICS ALONE, WE CAN ASSUME
THAT MARRIAGE IS NOT AN INSTITUTION WHERE WOMEN THRIVE.
SIXTY-FIVE PERCENT OF ALL AMERICAN MARRIAGES END IN
DIVORCE, MOSTLY AFTER JUST A FEW YEARS. AND SHE SAYS
TWO-THIRDS OF ALL DIVORCES ARE INITIATED BY WOMEN.
(BEGIN OPT) IN ADDITION, WOMEN ARE ENDING SECOND
MARRIAGES FASTER THAN FIRST ONES. DALMA HEYN SAYS IF
ANY OTHER INSTITUTION HAD SUCH A HIGH RATE OF
ABANDONMENT BY ONE HALF OF ITS CONSTITUENCY, WE WOULD
SAY SOMETHING IS FUNDAMENTALLY WRONG WITH THAT
INSTITUTION.
TAPE CUT TWO HEYN :23
"IF SIXTY-FIVE PERCENT OF SOLDIERS WERE LEAVING THE
ARMY, WE WOULD INVESTIGATE THE MILITARY. WE WOULD SAY
WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS INSTITUTION THAT'S MAKING THESE
PEOPLE SO UNHAPPY. BUT WHEN WOMEN ARE UNHAPPY IN
MARRIAGE, INSTEAD OF SAYING WHAT CAN WE DO TO MAKE
MARRIAGE MORE BENEFICIAL TO WOMEN, THE WAY IT IS TO MEN
AND CHILDREN, WE SAY, 'OH, BAD WOMEN, BAD, BAD. GET
BACK.'" (END OPT)
TEXT: DALMA HEYN SAYS EVERY STUDY SHE HAS EVER SEEN ON MARRIED
LIFE SHOWS THAT MEN DO WELL IN MARRIAGE AND DON'T DO
WELL OUTSIDE OF IT. MOST MEN REMARRY VERY SOON AFTER A
DIVORCE. WOMEN, ON THE OTHER HAND, ALTHOUGH INITIALLY
MORE OBSESSED ABOUT HAVING TO GET MARRIED, TAKE A LONGER
TIME TO MARRY AGAIN AND OFTEN DON'T RE-MARRY AT ALL.
TAPE CUT THREE HEYN :24
"WHAT I WAS SO INTERESTED IN WAS THE JUXTAPOSITION OF
THE REALITY AGAINST THE CULTURAL MYTH THAT SHOWS SINGLE
WOMEN TEARING THEIR HAIR BECAUSE THEY ARE UNMARRIED AND
DESPARATE TO GET INTO MARRIAGE AS IF MARRIAGE WERE THIS
BLISSFUL FEMALE IMAGINE-INSTITUTION INTO WHICH RELUCTANT
BACHELORS ARE, SORT OF, SNAGGED AND LURED AND TRAPPED
WHEN IN FACT, MEN LOVE MARRIAGE. THEY ALWAYS HAVE."
TEXT: DELMA HEYN SAYS STATISTICS ALSO SHOW THAT WIVES ARE THE
MOST DEPRESSED SEGMENT OF THE POPUALTION - WITH A RATE
OF DEPRESSION THREE TIMES HIGHER THAN UNMARRIED WOMEN OR
MARRIED MEN. SHE RELATES THAT TO THE IDEA THAT WOMEN
ARE EXPECTED TO NURTURE THEIR HUSBANDS AND CHILDREN
WHILE NO ONE IN THE FAMILY IS ASSIGNED TO NURTURE THEM.
DALMA HEYN SAYS THE MYTH ABOUT A NURTURING WIFE MAKES
EVEN MODERN WOMEN WHO HAVE A CAREER OUTSIDE HOME FEEL
GUILTY IF THEY ARE NOT AT THE SAME TIME PERFECT WIVES
AND MOTHERS. WHEN HUSBANDS DO SHARE SOME OF THE CHORES,
SHE SAYS THEY ARE USUALLY THANKED FOR THEIR "HELP" AS IF
NONE OF IT WAS THEIR DUTY.
BUT THE AUTHOR OF "MARRIAGE SHOCK" SAYS HER BOOK IS NOT
ABOUT HOW WOMEN THRIVE OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE. SHE SAYS
SHE HERSELF IS HAPPILY MARRIED AND BELIEVES OTHER WOMEN
SHOULD BE ABLE TO LIVE IN A HAPPY MARRIAGE SINCE THIS IS
WHAT MOST OF THEM WANT.
TAPE CUT FOUR HEYN :27
"I AM INTERSTED IN THE FACT THAT MARRIAGE IS AN
INSTITUTION. IT HAS A LIST OF INSTITUTIONAL RULES FOR
WIVES THAT ARE ABOUT SELF-IMPROVEMENT THAT COME TO US
FROM 18TH-CENTURY CONDUCT BOOKS AND THAT ARE ESSENTIALLY
ABOUT WOMEN IMPROVING THEMSELVES TO BECOME BETTER
MORALLY, MORE NURTURING, MORE GIVING, MORE PERFECT
BEINGS FOR MARRIAGE. AND I QUESTION THAT."
TEXT: DALMA HEYN SAYS MANY MARRIAGES FAIL NOT BECAUSE OF THE
PARTNER, OR BECAUSE OF BOREDOM, OR BECAUSE OF
DETERIORATION OVER TIME, BUT BECAUSE COUPLES ARE NOT
AWARE OF THE FORCES THAT COME INTO PLAY IMMEDIATELY
AFTER MARRIAGE. AND THESE FORCES ARE BASED ON SOME OF
THE OLD MYTHS OF WHAT A RESPECTABLE MARRIAGE IS, AND
ESPECIALLY THE ROLE OF THE "GOOD WIFE" IN SUCH A
RESPECTABLE MARRIAGE. SHE SAYS THE FIRST STEP TOWARDS
IMPROVING MARRIAGE IS ACCEPTING THE FACT THAT IT IS AN
INSTITUTION WITH A PROBLEM, ESPECIALLY FOR WOMEN.
BEFORE THEY BECOME A HUSBAND AND WIFE, MOST COUPLES ARE
HAPPY BECAUE THE WOMAN DOES NOT HAVE TO CONFORM WITH THE
STEREOTYPE OF A GOOD AND NURTURING WIFE. DALMA HEYN
SAYS MARRIAGES IN WHICH THE WOMAN IS NOT EXPECTED TO
CHANGE DRASTICALLY HAVE THE BEST CHANCE TO REMAIN HAPPY.
(SIGNED)
(ACTUALITY #1 COURTESY ABC TV)
NEB/ZH/NES
23-Apr-97 4:50 PM EDT (2050 UTC)
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Source: Voice of America
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