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[jokes] Computer Illiterates at Tech Support
Very funny real stories at the tech report department of AOL (America On
Line, an Internet Service Provider).
Calls to Tech Support
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"A man called in to customer service and said his computer was not
working. After going through the usual list, the customer service rep
asked if the computer was plugged in. The customer said, "Hold on, I'll
go get a flashlight."
The rep said, "Why do you need a flashlight?"
The customer replied, "Because it's dark in here. The power is out."
When told the computer would not work without power, the customer was
outraged and said he was told that he was told that he had purchased a
computer with "backup" (a tape backup archiving system)."
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Tech Support: "Hello, ESM tech support."
Customer: "I've got to stop this before my computer is ruined."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem, Miss?"
Customer: "Wll, I put your demo disk in the slot. And I typed 'A' and
the colon. And then I put down 'PKUNZIP DEMO.ZIP C:' like it says on
the label."
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "And now something inside my computer is exploding!"
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Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and
she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"
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Customer: Now what do I do?
Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?
Customer: It's asking for "Enter Your Last Name."
Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.
Customer: How do you spell that?
My opinion: Anyone this helpless should be shot.
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Here's a story I heard from a friend who works at a PC repair place.
One day a customer walks in with his computer and says his modem isn't
working. After the usual explanation (A low connection speed,) I ask
him what his usual procedure is for hooking up to his ISP. He says that
during connection the modem seems to have trouble so he lifts up the
receiver and makes a *KHSHSSSHH* sound. After me and my coworker stop
from laughing hysterically we explain to him that he is inserting line
noise and connecting at a slower speed.
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"One woman called a customer service number and said she always got a
busy signal when her computer called the modem pool. She kept on
calling , complaining about busy signals. Finally, we decided to clue
her in on an experimental number that pointed to a few new-at-the-time
14.4-Kbps modems. But she insisted, "No, I can't put in that number; I
have to put in my home phone number." No amount of reasoning could get
her to understand that the computer at her home had to call the number
of the modem at her service provider. Last we heard, she remained
unconvinced, calling herself and complaining about the busy signals.
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One night working at technical support, this old lady called and told
me that she received our disk and said that she's afraid of it.
Tech: Well, ma'am there is nothing to be afraid of. It's a disk for
your computer.
Cust: Well, I don't have a computer. The directions say "install and
run". I'm to old to run.
Tech: Ma'am could you please hold? (screams with laughter)
Tech: Ma'am I can insure you that you are OK.
Cust: OK. Should I call the police?
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away.
Cust: Well, there is a silver thing that slides across and it clicks.
What is that?
Tech: It is safe to throw it away. It's for a computer, OK?
Cust: But is this a bomb?
Tech: No, ma'am, just throw it away. Cust: Now?
Tech: Yes, if you like.
Cust: Son, you saved my life! Thank you and have a nice day.
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Tech: Sir, I need you to click ONCE on your America Online icon.
User: Ok...clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka Uh,
'invalid path'.
Tech: Ok, can you click on the icon ONE time for me?
User: clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka..clicka It
still says 'invalid path'.
Tech: Could you PLEASE CLICK ONE TIME, and ONLY ONE TIME on the America
Online icon.
User: Uh, just one time?
Tech: YES.
User: Ok.
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I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call
in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of
trouble convincing the guy that he had a hardware problem:
Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.
Customer: I bet there is some command I can put onto the AUTOEXEC.BAT
that would take care of this.
Service Rep: There is nothing software can do to help you with this
problem.
Customer: I know there is something I can put in... some command ...
maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS
[After a few minutes of going round and round]
Service Rep: Ok, I am not supposed to tell anyone this, but there is a
hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to
edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and
reboot your computer.
[Customer does this]
Customer: It's still smoking.
Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a
patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE .
[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of
this guy, but NO ... he calls back four hours later]
Service Rep: Hello sir, how is your computer?
Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is
incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I
was wondering when I can have that done, and how much it will cost....
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Cust: My program crashes; it has to be your compiler.
Tech: What's the code that's crashing?
Cust: I can't discuss it with you; it's classified.
Tech: Fine. Send us some code that causes the problem, but change it
enough that your not violating any of your security agreements.
Cust: Okay.
Two weeks later, a video tape shows up in the mail. The tape starts off
with the camera pointed in an out of focus computer screen. The picture
wobbles a bit, and a pair of glasses are held in front of the lens. The
customer moves in front of the camera and starts the program, which
promptly crashes. The question is, how do you trouble shoot this?!
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Tech: Okay, sir, to finish opening your account, I will need you to
provide a credit card number.
Cust: All right, hold on. (some rustling around) Okay, do you have it
yet?
Tech: Well, no. You haven't given it to me yet.
Cust: Sure I did, I just stuck it (the card) in this (3.5 inch) slot in
the front of this computer.
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