Birdman: Or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance) (2014)

I felt so blah about the movie that I gave it a 5/10 star rating and was going to click away. Then I got to thinking: I heard this film referred to as a masterpiece (which I don't dispute; to some people, it is). I just wish there'd been a review that answered the question: What kind of person likes Birdman?

So if you're on the fence about watching it, maybe this review can help.

Firstly, I love the actors in the film, so I was predisposed to like it. I saw Keaton get his due during the award season and my heart swelled for him...he came across as humble, and grateful, and moved. "I want to watch that film," I said to myself. I missed it in theaters, so I waited for it to come back around.

Secondly, if you love Iñárritu flicks, you should stop reading and just watch the film. I have seen two of his previous films...loved one, hated the other. (Best if I don't get into that here.)

Whether or not you'll like Birdman may depend on what genres you typically favor:

I like fantasy, sci fi, action, adventure, romance, documentaries, pretty much anything that either makes me forget the world's troubles or makes me think, or inspires me...art that touches you, cinematography that makes viewing an experience, dialogue that keeps you glued to the set (or, in the absence of copious dialogue, writing that makes you look up the screenplay writer because man, that was a good premise and it was executed flawlessly).

I rarely choose straight up drama (though some of my favorite movies are dramas). I usually hate dramedies and about 50% of the artsy films I watch (art-house, film noire, you name it), because most of them come across as mere artifice.

And so did Birdman.

This movie had some serious hype:

"Oh cool. This film was shot in a totally different way!

"Oh man...it took two years to write. It MUST be good!"

"Michael Keaton can act! He is great, therefore the film is great!"

None of that jives with me. Yes, Keaton can act. Everyone did their job in this film. But I just didn't care. The writing didn't take me anywhere. I am a huge movie fan and I can't imagine ever not finishing a film once I start watching. But with this one I struggled. It was painfully boring. Going nowhere. Devoid of emotion or true connections. Piles of nothing heaped upon nothing.

I kept pausing and making up little tasks for myself...paint the armoire (not kidding, I actually did paint a chest of drawers), feed the monsters (our pets), do the dishes (ok that last one, I didn't actually do, I just stared at them and sighed and went to finish the movie).

There was one moment, toward the end, that made me tear up, but the rest felt contrived. Trying so hard to be artsy, to be different, to rouse the (yawning) viewer with an unusual angle or a surprise action scene or a long lingering shot of a hallway. All at the expense of story, of giving the viewer an experience in exchange for her 95 minutes.

So let me be the one to say it: The Emperor has no clothes.

At best, Birdman is a great (very true) portrayal of an "all about me" type. The delusional man in your life--father, lover, whoever--that isn't a bad person, but will never change. Trying to talk to him is insane (argh! And yet sometimes you forget, and you try, and you always end up disappointed). Even if he shows signs of progress--teeny tiny ones, now and again--he always goes back to his selfish behavior. He will never be anything more than a martyr/big man. Keaton plays this man amazingly well.