Nine (2009)

Where do I begin? I scoffed at the people leaving the cinema after only 5 minutes. "Uncultured fools", I thought. Only afterwards did I realise that they were the lucky ones: I lost two hours of my life (and maybe more) being exposed to this utter rubbish.

As a musical, the best parts (and I use the term "best" very loosely here) of this film are when the cast aren't screeching out an unmemorable number. Seriously, you won't remember any of it other than the "Guido! Guido! Guido!" ringing in your ears.

Even having Penelope Cruz's scantily-covered crotch thrust into your face didn't improve things. The rest of the "all star" cast doesn't fair much better: Sophia Loren looks like an extra-terrestrial (no doubt from having one face-stretch too many), Daniel Day-Lewis is forgettable and is upstaged by his car (which, seriously, is the only interesting showpiece in the entire film), Nicole Kidman does practically nothing, Judy Dench is in her typical mother-hen role, and Fergie (who is apparently not the ex-member of the British Royal Family but a member of the Black Eyed Peas) I can't remember seeing. Must have slept through her performance, but presumably it must have been better than the rest since it didn't wake me up with its sheer awfulness.

How this film garnered no less than 5 Golden Globe nominations is a complete mystery. Even the cast members interviewed on Larry King looked bewildered - they must have been as surprised as I would have been if I had seen this mess.

It's rare that I feel the need to write a review. However, in this case I think I need to do so if only to save people from spending their money to watch this tripe. It certainly goes on my list of all-time worst movies that I've ever seen, along with Speed 2, and The Blair Witch Project. Rob Marshall has a lot to answer to for this crime against cinema - and for that matter, humanity.