Fwd: Engineers Explained

[Anh Dang <dang@quickturn.com>]

>Self explanatory note......
>
>Engineers Explained
>People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like
>other people.  This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who
>have to deal with them.  The secret to coping with technology-oriented
>people is to understand their motivations.  This chapter will teach you
>everything you need to know.  I learned their customs and mannerisms by
>observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes,
>but without the hassle of grooming.
>
>Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one.  The
>word "engineer" is greatly overused.  If there's somebody in your life
>who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to
>discern the truth.
>
>ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
>
>You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
>You...
>
>A. Straighten it.
>B. Ignore it.
>C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a
>solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud
>your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
>
>The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
>writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole
>stupid thing on "Marketing."
>
>SOCIAL SKILLS
>
>Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
>
>"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from
>social interaction:
>
>   *Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
>   *Important social contacts
>   *A feeling of connectedness with other humans
>
>In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for
>social interactions:
>
>  *Get it over with as soon as possible.
>  *Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
>  *Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
>
>FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
>
>To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of
>two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will
>need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
>Engineers like to solve problems.  If there are no problems handily
>available, they will create their own problems.  Normal people don't
>understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix
>it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
>features yet.
>
>No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what
>it would take to turn it into a stun gun.  No engineer can take a shower
>without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering
>unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of
>sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
>
>FASHION AND APPEARANCE
>
>Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic
>thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied.  If no
>appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or
>mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of
>clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
>
>LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
>
>Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies.  It's
>a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are
>portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens.  This is
>much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer.
>
>DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
>
>Dating is never easy for engineers.  A normal person will employ various
>indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
>attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above
>function.
>
>Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole.  They are widely
>recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable,
>employed, honest, and handy around the house.  While it's true that many
>normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people
>harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like
>children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their
>virginity.
>
>Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than
>normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties
>to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible
>men in technical professions:
>
>     *  Bill Gates.
>     *  MacGyver.
>     *  Etcetera.
>
>Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain
>that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death.  Longer
>if it's a warm day.
>
>HONESTY
>
>Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human
>relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from
>customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the
>truth.
>
>Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work.  They say things that
>sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected
>to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
>
>     "I won't change anything without asking you first."
>     "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
>     "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
>     "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
>
>FRUGALITY
>
>Engineers are notoriously frugal.  This is not because of cheapness or
>mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a
>problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while
>retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
>
>POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
>
>If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to
>concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else
>in the environment.  This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced
>dead prematurely.  Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started
>checking resumes before processing the bodies.  Anybody with a degree in
>electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped
>up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
>
>RISK
>
>Engineers hate risk.  They try to eliminate it whenever they can.  This
>is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake,
>the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
>
>EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
>
> *   Hindenberg.
> *   Space Shuttle Challenger.
> *   SPANet(tm)
> *   Hubble space telescope.
> *   Apollo 13.
> *   Titanic.
> *   Ford Pinto.
> *   Corvair.
>
>The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
>
>RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
>REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
>
>Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and
>rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.  The best way to avoid
>risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for
>reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
>
>If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer
>will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible
>but it will cost too much."
>
>EGO
>
>Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
>     *   How smart they are.
>     *   How many cool devices they own.
>
>The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that
>the problem is unsolvable.  No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable
>problem until it's solved.  No illness or distraction is sufficient to
>get the engineer off the case.  These types of challenges quickly become
>personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
>
>Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
>(Other times just because they forgot.)  And when they succeed in
>solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than
>sex.
>
>Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that
>somebody has more technical skill.  Normal people sometimes use that
>knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer.  When an
>engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means
>it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at
>the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along
>these lines:  "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.  He knows how to solve
>difficult technical problems."
>
>At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand
>between the engineer and the problem.  The engineer will set upon the
>problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
>
>