[Humor] EEC Modifies English (fwd)

[AnHai Doan <anhai@cs.washington.edu>]

In the tradition of Son's earlier post on modifying Vietnamese. :-) Hai.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Mon, 24 Mar 1997 14:22:32 -0400
From: Peter_Donahoe@notes.rbs.org

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the
European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility
study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government
departments.  European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is
unnecessarily difficult.

For example: cough, plough, here, hear, bow, bough, through and thorough.  What
is clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The program would be administered by a committee of top level staff chosen by
the participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee might suggest using "s" instead of
the soft "c".  Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news
with joy.  The hard "c" could then be replased by "k" sinse both letters are
pronounsed alike.  This would not only klear up konfusion in the minds of
klerikal workers, but typewriters and keyboards kould be made with one fewer
letter, a signifikant savings.

In the sekond year, bekause of growing enthusiasm, it will be announsed that the
troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f".  This would make words like
"fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print, as well as many english frases.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.  Governments would
enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to
akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is
disgrasful.  Therfor, we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though
nothing had hapend.

By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
resptiv to steps sush as replasing "th" by "z".  Perhaps zen ze funktion of "w"
kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w".  Finaly, ze unesesary
"o" kuld be dropd from words kontaining "ou".  Ze sam argument vud of kors be
aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer aftr yer, ve vud eventuli hav a veri sensibl riten
stil.  Aftr tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrion vud
find it ezi tu understan esh ozer.  Ze drems of ze E.U. vud finali kum tru.
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