[humour] a small collection

[Phan Anh Son <Phan@PGSM.HU>]

Hi All,

Enjoy the small collection of some delightful articles below:

Cheers, 

Son,
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PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE WOMEN
(by Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of
Waterloo,
Ontario, Canada  N2L 3G1)

  There are so many programming languages available that it can be very
  difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one
for you.
  On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So
here
  is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that
describes
  what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.


Assembler - A female track star who holds all the world speed records.
She
is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace.  She can cook
up
any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe.  She is not
beautiful or
educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC".  She has a
fierce
and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.


FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandmother.  People make fun of her just
because
she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her
experiences and her mistakes.  During her lifetime she has acquired many
useful
skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger
women can
match, so be thankful she is still around.  She has a notoriously bad
temper
and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes.  It was mostly
her
bad temper that made Grandad search for another wife.

COBOL - A plump secretary.  She talks far too much, and most of what she
says
can be ignored.  She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really
complicated jobs.  She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one
really
likes working with her.  She can cook meals for a huge family, but only
knows
bland recipes.

BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door.  Her specialty is
seducing
young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them.  She
teaches
them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is
their
first experience.  She is not that young herself, but because she was
their
first lover the boys always remember her fondly.  Her cooking and sewing
skills
are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys
like.
The opinion that adults have of Mrs.  BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some
fathers
actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman!  But generally
the
more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by
introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

PL/I - A bordello madam.  She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red
high
heels.  At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems
overweight and tacky.  Tastes change.

C - A lady executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative.
Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you double check
everything
you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper.  Her daughter
C++
is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will
grow
up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated
character.

ALGOL 60 - Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned,
and
sweet tempered.  She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your
dad
still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance.  He never
actually
tasted much of her cooking.

Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister.  Like
her
sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy.  She is a good cook
but
only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter.  Very much like
her
mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's niece.  A high-society woman, well educated and
terse.
Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers
still
discuss her mysterious personality.  She is very choosy about her
romances
and won't take just any man as her lover.  She hasn't been seen lately,
and
rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP - She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her
hippie
cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.  Many men (mostly college students) who
have
visited the farmhouse,-- enthusiastically praise the natural food, and
perpetual love-ins that take place there.  Others criticize the long
cooking
times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although
these
women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers
praise
them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  She can cook
delicious
meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table.
She
doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down.  Few people
can
understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are
all
recorded in mirror writing.

LOGO - A grade-school art teacher.  She is just the kind of teacher that
you
wish you had when you were young.  She is shapely and patient, but not
an
interesting conversationalist.  She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks,
but
not full-course meals.

LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking
skill. They
can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a
description of the desired meal (declarative cooking).  Many men are
fascinated
by this and have already proposed marriage.  Others complain that the
girls
work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be
just as
long as a recipe would be.  It is hard to predict what these girls will
be
like when they are fully mature.

ADA - A WAC colonel built like an amazon.  She is always setting strict
rules,
but if you follow them, she keeps her temper.  She is quite talkative,
always
spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You got to
love her
though, because the army says so.


----------------------------------------

Haircuts -- The difference between men and women

Women's version:
 ------------

Woman2:  Oh!   You got a haircut!  That's so cute!

Woman1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror.  I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.  And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.  I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman2:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your neck!  Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are?  If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.

Men's version:
 ----------

Man2:    Haircut?
Man1:    Yeah.

>From Starchild &;)  ....dancing in your horoscope

-------------------------------------------

THE AGE OF CONSENT

A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot
overlooking
a golf course.  He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome
light
on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a magazine
and
a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to
investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked
up,
obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this
magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then
asked,
"And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's
knitting a
sweater."

Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?"
"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

 The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve
minutes
she'll be eighteen."

------------------

Manure of the Mu-mu's

CAPITALISM: Let's sell this cow manure.

LIBERALISM: Let's spread this cow manure around.

CONSERVATISM: Keep your hands off my cow manure.

CLINTONISM: Looks like cow manure. Smells like cow manure. Tastes like
cow
manure. Glad I didn't step in it.

DOLEISM: Bob Dole's stepped in cow manure and Bob Dole knows what to do
with cow manure. Bob Dole in a previous life was cow manure.

FASCISM: Eat cow manure and die.

UTOPIANISM: I love this cow manure.

POSITIVISM: Cow manure doesn't stink.

SEPARATISM: Keep your cow manure away from my cow manure.

ANARCHISM: Let the cow manure hit the fan.

SEXISM: Clean up this cow manure, honey.

FEMINISM: I'm not going to take this cow manure anymore.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: Clean this cow manure up.

CORPORATISM: If we merge our cow manure with your cow manure, we'll be
big
shits.
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