<13> [humor] small collection: Programming languages are like men

[nhan@merv.cs.nyu.edu (Ngo Thanh Nhan)]

NYU Linguistic String Project -- Wed Jun 18 14:10:04 EDT 1997

Dear friends,

I have been working on quite a few computer languages, and
all this time, I thought that they have the character of
a man -- i.e. monosyllabic, lack of imagination, strange
grunts, strange noise, lack of the ability of human
communication skills, ... (and furthermore, Pascal is a man).

So, I'm sorry I edit the stuff below, here it is:
    Mrs. <-> Mr.
    herself <-> himself
    madam -> pimp
    Miss -> Mr.
    she <-> he
    her <-> his, him
    girls <-> boys
    women <-> men
    man <-> woman
    WAC <-> MAC
    niece <-> nephew
    daughter <-> son
    (grand)mother <-> (grand)father
    sister <-> brother
    (grand)dad <-> (grand)mom
    lady -> lad

leave *amazon* alone

then the story is more realistic.

Enjoy,
Nhan
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>From listserv@csd.uwm.edu Tue Jun 17 11:51 EDT 1997
Originator: vnsa-l@csd.uwm.edu
From: Phan Anh Son <Phan@pgsm.hu>
To: Multiple recipients of list <vnsa-l@csd.uwm.edu>
Subject: [humour] a small collection

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PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES ARE LIKE MEN

  There are so many programming languages available that it can
  be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick
  the right one for you.  On the other hand most women know what
  kind of man appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for
  many of the popular programming languages that describes what
  kind of men they would be if programming languages were men.

Assembler - A male track star who holds all the world speed
records.  He is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to
embrace.  He can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and
detailed recipe.  He is not beautiful or educated, and speaks
in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC".  He has a fierce and
violent temper that make him the choice of last resort.

FORTRAN - Your grey-haired grandfather.  People make fun of him
just because he is old, but if you take the time to listen, you
can learn from his experiences and his mistakes.  During his
lifetime he has acquired many useful skills in sewing and
cooking (subroutine libraries) That no younger men can match, so
be thankful he is still around.  He has a notoriously bad temper
and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes.  It was
mostly his bad temper that made Grandmom kick him out of the
house and search for another husband.

COBOL - A plump secretary.  He talks far too much, and most of
what he says can be ignored.  He works hard and long hours, but
can't handle really complicated jobs.  He has a short and
unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with him.
He can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland
recipes.

BASIC - The horny divorcee that lives next door.  His specialty
is seducing young boys and it seems he is always readily
available for them.  He teaches them many amazing things, or at
least they seem amazing because it is their first experience.
He is not that young himself, but because he was their first
lover the boys always remember him fondly.  His cooking and
sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the
frolicking that the boys like.  The opinion that adults have of
Mr. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some mothers actually
introduce their own sons to this immoral man!  But generally
the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced
young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Mr.
Pascal.

PL/I - A bordello pimp.  He wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs
and red high heels.  At one time he seemed very attractive, but
now he just seems overweight and tacky.  Tastes change.

C - A lad executive.  An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too
talkative.  Is an good cook if you like spicy food.  Unless you
double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash
his fierce temper.  His son C++ is still quite young and
prone to tantrums, but it seems that he will grow up into a
fine young man of milder temper and more sophisticated
character.

ALGOL 60 - Your mother's wartime sweetheart, petite, well
proportioned, and sweet tempered.  He disappeared mysteriously
during the war, but your mom still talks about his shapely form
and their steamy romance.  She never actually tasted much of his
cooking.

Pascal - A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger
brother.  Like his brother he is petite and attractive, but very
bossy.  He is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no
more than one pot (module).

Modula II - A high-school teacher and Pascal's son.  Very
much like his father, but he has learned to cook with more than
one pot.

ALGOL 68 - Algol 60's nephew.  A high-society man, well
educated and terse.  Few women can fully understand him when he
talks, and his former lovers still discuss his mysterious
personality.  He is very choosy about his romances and won't
take just any woman as her lover.  He hasn't been seen lately,
and rumor has it that he died in a fall from an ivory tower.

LISP - He is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune
with his hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH.  Many women (mostly
college students) who have visited the farmhouse,--
enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins
that take place there.  Others criticize the long cooking times,
and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although
these men seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their
employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for
their efficiency.

APL - A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food.  He can cook
delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of
people at each table.  He doesn't talk much, as that would just
slow his work down.  Few people can understand his recipes,
since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in
mirror writing.

LOGO - A grade-school art teacher.  He is just the kind of
teacher that you wish you had when you were young.  He is
shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist.
He can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course
meals.

LUCID & PROLOG - These clever teenagers show a new kind of
cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of
recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal
(declarative cooking).  Many women are fascinated by this and have
already proposed marriage.  Others complain that the boys work
very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be
just as long as a recipe would be.  It is hard to predict what
these boys will be like when they are fully mature.

ADA - A MAC colonel built like an amazon.  He is always setting
strict rules, but if you follow them, he keeps his temper.  He
is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using
obscure military talk. You got to love him though, because the
army says so.

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