[joke] English jokes (fwd)

[Phan Anh Son <Phan@PGSM.HU>]

Working methods

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are
 the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give
 them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has
 to catch it.

 The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
 They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
 extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

 The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
 killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no
 apologies.  The rabbit had it coming.

 The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
 bear.  The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'
------
FBI hard at work

"Just in case you think the FBI is not on the job, I have received a
true
intercept (and this is not made up...it is not Saturday Night Live) that
the FBI made of itself while conducting an investigation in San Diego.
It
was sent to me by a friend of mine who used to be with
counterintelligence
in Washington. It is called "The FBI Pizza Call." FBI agents conducted a
raid of a San Diego psychiatric hospital that was under investigation
for
medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical
records, the dozens of agents worked up quite an appetite. The agent in
charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor to order a
quick
dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
FBI
because they were taping the hospital."

Agent: "Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of
soda."
Pizza Man: "And where would you like them delivered?"
Agent: "We're over at the psychiatric hospital."
Pizza Man: "To the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's right. I'm an FBI agent."
Pizza Man: "You're an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's correct. Just about everybody here is."
Pizza Man: "And you're at the psychiatric hospital?"
Agent: "That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front
doors.
        We have them locked. You will have to go around the back to the
        service entrance to deliver the pizzas."
Pizza Man: "And you say you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. How soon can you have them here?"
Pizza Man: "And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?"
Agent: "That's right. We've been here all day, and we're starving."
Pizza Man: "How are you going to pay for all of this?"
Agent: "I have my checkbook right here."
Pizza Man: "And you're all FBI agents?"
Agent: "That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to
        bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?
We
        have the front doors locked."
Pizza Man: "I don't think so."

-------

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT:   Glass empty.

ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION:  Retire to ladies room, practice in mirror.


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT:   Improper bladder control.

ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.


SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT:   You are being carried out.

ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.

ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.


SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT:   You have fallen forward.

ACTION:  See above.


SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT:   Bar has closed.

ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.


SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION:  Cover mouth.

--------

Subject: executive pay
Fr: Paul Intihar in rec.humor

In case you've ever wondered why ignorance rises with the executive
level, here is a simple explanation that is also a mathematical proof.

First the givens:

   1. Knowledge is Power.

   2. Time is Money.

And, as every engineer knows:

                 Work
    3.   Power = --------
                 Time

By simple substitution we get:

                 Work
   Knowledge = --------
                Money

And, solving for Money, we get:

                   Work
         Money = ---------
                 Knowledge


hence,


           Lim (Money) = Infinity
      Knowledge---->0


Thus, the science of mathematics proves that Money approaches infinity
as Knowledge approaches zero, regardless of how little Work may
actually be done.

This effectively proves that the less you know, the more you make.

You always knew it was true.  Now you know why!


-----

Fun with Cars

AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented


BMW
Be My Wife
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Break My Windows
Brutal Money Waster
Business, Money and Woman


BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer


CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time


DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere


FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix It Again, Tony!


FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
Fault Of R & D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Found On Russian Dump


GM
General Maintenance


GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got a Mechanic Coming?


HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.


HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive . . .


MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along


OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every
day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover
quipment


PROTON
Possibly the Riskiest Option to Travel On-road Nowadays.


SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.


TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto


VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object


VW
Virtually Worthless
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